WINTER EDITION 2022 Trigger Warning Suicide out & about What is Life after loosing a child HOW TO HANDLE PUBERTY HYGIENE Just who are your friends?child’s
Youth of the Nation will be published every 4 6 weeks, alongside the Child of the Universe online magazines which are also free to our readers. In this edition I am covering the issues of Bullying, Depression & Suicide. Not cheerful subjects I know but I may be able shed some light on the challenges of dealing with your loved ones. As a mother, and the editor of 3 magazines, I am delighted to have the time and means of reaching out and touching the lives of many people. What a privilege to be part of your journey.
ed’s letter Dear Parents and young readers
You may have noticed that our teens and young adults in their twenties, are struggling with life. I would like to encourage all parents to strive to help our youth by addressing the issues they are facing on a daily basis. We will be covering topics like drug use and abuse, drug rehabilitation, teen sexuality unplanned pregnancy, anxiety & depression, suicide, and subjects that need attention… . No one said that having children will be a breeze so we get to the nitty-gritty as much as we can.
Much love Linda Sources of information
I am inviting you to share your stories with us, assist us to bring light and knowledge to our readers, and be a cheerleader to our youth through inspiration & nurturing.
Theme song for our magazine
Except gun blasts, it happened so
Last
Cause
I wish
Unaware,
But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest
But I couldn't hear nothing
Or
Before
and
Lyrics By
Youth of the Nation P.O.D. day of the rest of my life I would've known I didn't kiss my mama that I loved her how much I care thank my pops for all the talks all the wisdom he shared I just did what I always the same routine I skate off to school
Ifastdon't really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class
Everybodycoming was running
Igoodbyedidn'ttell her
Instead of taking a test I took two to the chest
And
Call me blind, but I didn't see it
Everyday,do
He put his life to an end They might remember him then You cross the line and there's no turning back
Told the world how he felt With the sound of a gat
Or maybe for a moment He forgot who he was
I guess that's the way the story goes Will it ever make sense
It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends
situations Just different faces Changed up her pace since her daddy left her Too bad he never told her She deserved much better
Theplacessame
We are, We are, the youth of the nation Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim No matter what you say It don't take away the pain
That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the Don'tliesnobody know why
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be Whateverhuggedit was I know it's because We are, We are, the youth of the nation Little Suzy, she was only twelve She was given the world With every chance to excel Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell She might act kind of proud But no respect for herself She finds love in all the wrong
It's the blind leading the blind
Somebody's got to know There's got to be more to life than There'sthis got to be more to everything I thought exists We are, We are, the youth of the nation
Johnny boy always played the fool He broke all the rules So you would think he was cool He was never really one of the Noguysmatter how hard he tried Often thought of suicide
Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
When and how did society fail our children? When did it happen that a 14 year old left school one day, said good bye to his mates and told them he would see them tomorrow, knowing, he was going home to end his life because the pain he was feeling seemed insurmountable to him? What has society become that this child felt all alone in the world? How did it happen that he felt like he had nobody he could reach out to? How did he feel like this world was such a dark place that his only choice was to leave this world?
For me, this unimaginable tragedy is a stark reminder to show kindness. And if you can't be kind, at least don't be unkind. You never know what the person standing next to you is going through and you could be the reason they need to hold on.
Suicide doesn't take the pain away, it transfers it and in it's path come unanswered questions for an eternity. Make sure your kids know that they can reach out. Make sure they have a "go to" person. Be present in their lives. Love them harder, hold them tight.
Nobody is to blame, yet everyone will blame themselves. How did society become a place too difficult to live in for a teenager?
From the I Love Fourways Group
God bless our children and to each and everyone one of us as we raise our kids in a world that is sometimes going to break us, I send you Reststrength.gently young man. My very deepest, heartfelt condolences to all who knew you, loved you and called you a friend.
Trigger warning - teenage suicide
FACTS ABOUT TEENAGE SUICIDE
Teen Suicide
“We cannot measure the value of life cut short by suicide We cannot calculate the impact a person might have had on the world around them or on the people whose lives they may have touched But through a partnership between survivors, business and community leaders, scientists and dedicated individuals we can vanish this needless tragedy”
Risk factors for suicide among the young include the presence of mental illness especially depression , conduct disorder, alcohol and drug abuse; previous suicide attempts ; and the availability of firearms in the home. In South Africa 60% of people who commit suicide are Thedepressedsuicide rate for children aged 10 14 years old has more than doubled over the last fifteen InyearsSouth Africa the average suicide is 17.2 per 100 000 (8% of all deaths). This relates only to deaths reported by academic hospitals. The real figure is higher “Suicide shouldn’t be a secret”
According to WHO, a suicide occurs every 40 seconds and an attempt is made every 3 seconds In South African, hanging is the most frequently employed method of suicide, followed by shooting, gassing and burning
Previous suicide attempts: Between 20 and 50 percent of people who kill themselves have previously attempted suicide Those who make serious suicide attempts are at much greater risk of actually taking their lives
KNOW THE DANGER SIGNS
While some suicides may occur without any outward warning, most do not. The most effective way to prevent suicide is to learn to recognise the signs of someone at risk, take these signs seriously and know how to respond to them.
Sometimes those contemplating suicide talk as if they are saying goodbye or going away.
What to do if you suspect someone close to you may be contemplating suicide
If you have (or had) four or more of these feelings, and if they last longer than two weeks, you may have depression.
How do you really feel? • I feel guilty; I have no confidence ? • I feel I am a failure or have let my family down ? • I have lost interest in my hobbies. Most of the time I would rather be alone ? • I often feel restless or tired ? • I have trouble concentrating on things like homework or watching TV ? • I have trouble sleeping or I sleep • too much ? • My appetite has increased or decreased ? • I have unrealistic ideas about the great things that I am going to do ? • My thoughts race. I can’t slow my mind down ? • I often think about death. Thoughts about suicide pop into my mind ? • I like very dangerous activities ? • I use drugs and/or alcohol on a regular basis ?
Talking about death or suicide: People who commit suicide often talk about it directly or indirectly. Be alert to such statements as, “My family would be better off without me”
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Depression: Although most depressed people are not suicidal, most suicidal people are depressed. Serious depression can be manifested in obvious sadness, but often it is expressed instead as a loss of pleasure or withdrawal from activities that had once been enjoyable.
Excessive drug and / or alcohol use or Historyabuseofphysical or emotional illness of hopelessness or desperation
Take the initiative to ask what is troubling them
Additional factors that point to an increased risk for suicide in depressed individuals are:
TAKE SERIOUSLY
FOLLOW- UP TREATMENT
SADAG Mental
Take an active role to ensure that the prescribed medication is taken and report any unexpected side effects to a doctor. Continue to offer support after treatment has been initiated Health Akeso Psychiatric Response
Extreme anxiety, agitation or enraged behaviour
If the above options are unavailable call your local emergency numbers.
Remove drugs , razors, scissors or firearms that could be used in a suicide attempt away from the potentially suicidal person
IN A CRISIS
- Feelings
THE SIGNS
All suicide threats and attempts should be taken seriously.
In an acute crisis , take the person to an emergency room or walk in clinic – DO NOT leave the person alone until help is available
Be concerned about depressed persons if at least five of the following symptoms have been present nearly every day for at least two weeks: - depressed mood change in sleeping patterns change in appetite or weight speaking or moving with unusual speed or slowness fatigue or loss of energy feelings of worthlessness , self reproach or guilt thoughts of death or suicide
75% of all suicides give some warning of their intentions to a friend or family member
Unit 24 Hour 0861 435 787
Line 011 234 4837
If your friend or relative is depressed DON’T be afraid to ask whether he/she is considering -suicideDoNOT attempt to argue anyone out of suicide, rather let the person know that you care and understand that they are not alone, that suicidal feelings are temporary, that depression can be treated and that problems can be solved. AVOID the temptation to say, “ You have so much to live for” or that “ suicide will hurt your family”.
BE WILLING TO LISTEN
This
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Knowing how to approach the issue of teen mental health can be difficult. They may not recognise that there’s something wrong, or you may wonder whether the issue is serious enough for you and your young person to get help. The good news is that there are a lot of options for help and support, depending on what your child’s needs are, and what they’re ready for. Getting help early will give your teen the best chance of managing any problems before they become more serious.
Gettinghelpforteenagers can help if: you’re worried about your teen’s mental health, but are not sure if it’s serious enough to get help you want to know how to get advice or support for your teen’s mental health you want to know what kind of mental health support services for teenagers and young people are available.
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• not believing their problem is significant enough to seek help
When to get help for your teenager
• Unfortunately, only around 30% of young people who experience psychological distress actually get the help that they need. This can be due to a number of reasons, including:not recognising or accepting they may have a mental health difficulty
Most mental health difficulties first appear between the ages of 11 to 25, while the brain is going through a process of rapid development. Around 1 in 4 young people have experienced a mental illness by the time they’re 25. It’s important to look out for signs of mental health or emotional problems in your child from an early age and during adolescence. When mental health conditions are treated and managed early, the episode of illness is likely to be less serious and have a shorter duration.
Get help early for your teen
Mental health conditions are generally episodic, which means that your child will likely experience periods of being unwell in between stretches of time where they seem to be doing better. Learning to spot the signs that your teen is feeling unwell early will mean that you’ll have the best chance of managing their wellbeing and getting them the support that they need.
Knowing when to get help for your child can be difficult. At times, the signs of mental health problems can be similar to the ‘ups and downs’ of being a teenager. It’s not always easy to tell the difference between ‘normal’ teenager behaviour and when there might be something else going on.
• not believing that anything or anyone can help
• being unwilling to talk about their problem because of the stigma attached to mental illness
Mental health difficulties will surface differently for everyone. As a parent, you have an important perspective you’ve spent years with your child getting to know their patterns of behaviours and emotions. You’re well placed to spot when your child’s own ‘normal’ has changed, or if they’re acting differently to usual. Remember to trust your instincts. If you think there might be something wrong, it’s best to chat with your teen and raise your concerns.
• environmental factors like cost, distance, inflexible opening hours and long wait times • close adults and friends not noticing or recognising the signs and symptoms and therefore not supporting the young person to seek advice.
• take it seriously and actively listen to what they are telling you
There are many different types of teenage mental health help and one way is not necessarily better than another. Different approaches will work for your child differently. Sometimes it’s a combination of approaches that works best.
• take a curious approach and be open to hearing their point of view. You might start the conversation saying, ‘I’ve noticed that you seem really down recently, how are you going?’
• be positive in approaching the situation and support them to take a first step
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• be your child’s greatest advocate in getting the right help for them
Even if your teenager doesn’t open up at first, you’ll have shown that you’re concerned and are there for them. When they’re ready, they’ll know that they can come to you. Once you and your child have acknowledged there may be a mental health difficulty going on, it's time to look at support options.
The first thing to do is to have a conversation with your child and find out more about what’s going on. Things to remember when having a supportive conversation:
Not everyone who experiences distress or goes through a tough time has a mental health problem. Sometimes, your teen might be experiencing distress due to a life event, such as loss of a loved one, difficulties at school or changes at home.
• be optimistic that you will get through this together
If your teen is going through a tough time, and is finding the way they are feeling isn't improving even with the support of family and friends, then speaking to someone can be helpful, even if what they are experiencing isn’t a mental health issue. What to do next for your teen
PARENTS YOU NEED TO WATCH YOUR KIDS FOR SIGNS OF DEPRESSION WHICH COULD LEAD TO SUICIDE KIDS AS YOUNG AS 7YRS OLD ARE KILLING THEMSELVES CONTACT SADAG ON 0800 456 789 – OPEN 24 HRSCLICKCLICK
Many parents find that their kids share the most while riding in the car, nonchalantly talking in front of a TV show, or at bedtime. I would ask about her mood, friendships and worries. If you don’t get anywhere yet your intuition tells you there is more, reach out to a trusted adult friend or family member or a school counselor to find out if she is upset about something or facing depression or anxiety. Other signs of these disorders include change in affect, appetite, sleep, energy, academic functioning, interests.
My Daughter Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with Family
To determine if this is more than her attempt to separate and form her own identity, first try a conversation about how she has been feeling.
Letter of from a concerned mother
Our family has been a very active outdoorsy family over the years and both our kids have been gung ho about it, but this year our 12 year old daughter suddenly screeched to a halt. She no longer wants to be involved in anything with the rest of the family she would rather hide away in her room. She used to be the first one off the high dive and now she doesn’t even want to go swimming. What happened? I have asked about doing family things that she wants to do and her reply is basically, “I don’t know” or “Nothing.” We realize that she may be entering a teen phase, but does anyone know how to navigate it and is there another side? Our son, who is two years older, never went through this, so it is baffling.
When a Teen Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with Family
While it’s a common trend among young teens to withdraw from prior activities, you do want to make sure there is not more to it in your daughter’s case.
Once you have moved past the concerning possibilities, I advise the following. Remember this is a normal aspect of a teen’s development, even though, as you have seen in your own family, not every teen goes through this phase
2. Decide What is Negotiable and What is Not
It’s also good to explain: “We understand you want more time to your self now that you are older, and we will give you a pass when we can, but we will let you know when it’s not okay to opt out.”
Next, prioritize events and communicate your priorities in advance For example:
Lastly, don’t push a singular activity, as you might create more resistance to it. Find activities that your teen enjoys and join in. What I see most often in young teens is that they behave as though they want less attention from their parents. Nonetheless I advise parents to still be around as much as possible, because the teen still needs you there at a distance, and on demand.
“I know it may not be your favorite thing, but going to your brother’s play is non negotiable. My college roommate is coming for lunch this weekend and she’d love to see you, but it’s optional. Let me know if you want to join us.”
In order to increase participation, first, I would include your child in planning For example, “We are going to go on a hike next weekend, is there a day or time that you prefer?” I recommend this because often times parents have to learn that their child will begin to make her own plans and needs more notice about family activities. Also, you are showing respect and increasing the likelihood she will join in.
“We’re going to Grandma’s Sunday, and we need you to come ”
3. Look for Activities Your Teen Will Enjoy
1. Give Advanced Notice
Wendy Moyal, M.D., is a child and adolescent psychiatrist with the Child Mind Institute.
Source of article – with gratitude to:
by Claire Coleman
Selfish, controlling, paranoid – and they’ll drain the life out of you
You’d probably describe the majority of your friends as kind and supportive people who make you feel happy. But if you’re anything like the rest of us, you’ll also have a few you might call friends, but actually make you feel quite the opposite. You can’t necessarily spell out why, but somehow you always come away from their company feeling anxious, paranoid or as if you’ve given a lot of yourself and they’ve given nothing in return. You feel as if you’ve been bled dry. Why? Because your friend is an emotional vampire.
That’s the name that Albert J. Bernstein, the clinical psychologist, gives to people who appear bright, talented or charismatic on the surface, but who, once they’ve won you over, drain your emotional energy.
In an exclusive adaptation from his new book, we show you how to spot four types of emotional vampire, and how to defend yourself against them.
HOW THEY LURE YOU IN:
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM:
CONTROL FREAK VAMPIRES
Control freaks can be loyal friends. If they’ve promised you something, you can be sure they’ll deliver. Their attention to detail can be irritating, but it’s frequently something that will save you time and money. HOW THEY DRAIN YOU: They’re perfectionists with a clear moral code and expect other people to behave in the same way if you don’t, their disappointment is apparent. Though they’d never intentionally hurt anyone, anything that threatens their sense of being in charge will prompt what can be a hurtful reaction. You might think you’ve been thoughtful by picking a restaurant for dinner, but the control freak will make you feel as if you’ve picked the wrong one and taken over, purely because she didn’t have the chance to research all the options first.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM: Quick to take offense, and with the ability to hold a grudge for an inordinate amount of time, the paranoid vampire can make a mountain out of even the smallest molehill. Things never just happen to them, in their eyes they’ve always been picked on. With the paranoid, everything is personal and nothing is taken at face value. Tell them you like their dress and they’ll read that as you don’t like their shoes. HOW THEY LURE YOU IN: While they can be suspicious of almost everything, paranoids are fiercely protective of their family and of one or two close friends. Their penchant for saying to people’s faces what the rest of us would only say behind their backs can be uncomfortable, but it’s actually quite refreshing sometimes.
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF
For all their flaws, the world would fall apart without control freaks they’re the ones who get things done, so in a lot of ways it’s easier to let them get on with it. Accept that you will never do things as well as they would have, but always tell them when they’ve upset you. Because they see things in black and white, if you can tell them why you’re hurt, and explain how to avoid the same situation in the future, they can learn from this.
This type of vampire is always immaculately dressed and ridiculously organized. There’s no such thing as a simple decision with them; the positives and negatives of every option have to be weighed up and analyzed, but once the decision is made, it’s made, and there’s no changing their mind.
HOW THEY DRAIN YOU: Paranoids abide by concrete rules they believe everyone else should live by, too Their eyes are peeled for any evidence of transgressions, and they’ll usually find it.
PARANOID VAMPIRES
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF: If you have anything to hide at all, a paranoid will find it. The only way you can protect yourself is by being scrupulously honest with them even the tiniest of white lies will prove their theory that you’ve been deceiving them all along.
PARTY VAMPIRES
HOW THEY LURE YOU IN: They’re charming, good company and fun. They are who you’d like to be if you didn’t have responsibilities or a conscience They say the things you think, but would never dare say, and have an aura of cool that makes you feel special if you’re picked to spend time with them.
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF: Enjoy the good times, but don’t expect anything more. Don’t get drawn into doing anything you feel uncomfortable doing, and for goodness sake, hide your wallet
HOW THEY DRAIN YOU: They’re only there for the good times. You might think you’ve got plans together, but if a more exciting prospect comes along, you’ll be ditched
While a party vampire will get the evening started, don’t expect her to help clear up or foot the bill. They can be financially irresponsible, goad you into doing things you didn’t really want to do, and their child like approach to life means they don’t want to hear about your problems if you’re not in the mood for socializing, you’re of no interest.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM: They are always the ones who want to drink more, stay up later and go that step further than everyone else. They’re impulsive, happy go lucky types who have no qualms about lying to get what they want.
They’re incapable of forgiving and forgetting if you once told them in passing that your husband cheated on his first girlfriend, they’ll always believe he’s a serial adulterer and will look for anything that confirms this. They’re also jaw-droppingly honest, so never ask for their opinion unless you’re prepared for the brutal truth
If they’re not talking about themselves, they’re probably not going to be interested in the Theconversation.onlywayyou’re of interest to them is if you can massage their ego, make them look good or help them achieve their next goal. They might feign empathy when they want something, which is why they make great politicians But they lack genuine warmth
HOW THEY DRAIN YOU:
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM:
HOW THEY LURE YOU IN: They try hard to impress, so you can easily think you’re important to them. They can be incredibly charismatic. Some of the most successful people in the world are me, me, me vampires. They genuinely are talented individuals and it’s easy to admire them from afar. It’s not until we’re close up that we realize how inconsiderate they really are.
ME, ME VAMPIRES
ME,
While they’re undoubtedly very successful people, the me, me, me vampire not only knows this, but is at great pains to make sure you know this, too. Within minutes of meeting them, you’ll be all too aware of their achievements and probably of where they live and knowing the right people is very important to them.
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF: If you want anything from them, strike a bargain where they get something, but only when they’ve done what you want. Their self-interest is the only thing that motivates them.
My Journey with Vincent I vaguely heard my phone beep a message in the night. I think it was around 04h30. I reckoned that it was Vincent and his wife, Christy, getting home as I had asked them to text me when they got in. So I went back into a peaceful sleep without reading the message. When I woke the next morning, I saw that it was a ‘please call me’ from Christy. Vincent had not arrived home after they left the club which they had gone to after my daughter’s birthday party. They had travelled in separate cars and Vincent took his own route but never got home. Candida’s 30th birthday party was a themed ‘Down the Rabbit Hole’, everyone dressed up and all the guys went as Mad Hatters. Very soon Candida and I started phoning around to try find Vincent. We checked hospitals, police stations and eventually tried the morgues, which were closed on a Sunday. I was supposed to be going off to do my 67 minutes for Mandela Day it fell on a Sunday that year, 2011, same as it does this year 2022, but that very quickly went out the window. I popped a few messages on Facebook to the effect that Vincent is MIA, and asked if anyone had perhaps allowed Vincent to cool off on their couches. His friends started to phone and the worry increased. This date was Sunday, 17 July 2011 and it is indelible in my mind. My brother was also on his phone trying to locate Vincent through all his connections. It seemed everyone was on the hunt for him. I secretly hoped that Vincent was just having ‘a moment’ and would pitch up shortly No one on Facebook knew where he was either By now the whole family was together, since we had organised a braai at the house to further celebrate Candida’s birthday. Her family from Cape Town were visiting with us. As I sat there phoning around, and looking at the preparations going on in the lapa next to the pool, I just knew something was very wrong. The thought crossed my mind that if something had happened to Vincent, then at least the whole family would be together for strength
Vincent was the heart and soul of my life, always up to some mischief and terrifying me by living on the edge. His flame burned so hot, but it burned for such a short time.
Is There Life After Losing a Child?
By Linda Navon
Around midday I popped over to the Spar to get some supplies for the braai, and standing there in the store I suddenly felt like throwing up, and left without buying anything. I went back to my partner’s restaurant and whilst sitting there I received a call from the daughter of a friend who the SAPS had contacted Apparently their address was registered in his ID book as he used to live with them at one point in his life Megan wasn’t making much sesnse on the phone, just something about the police calling and someone passing. It took her what felt like 20 years to find the cop’s number for me. I then handed the phone to the restaurant chef to speak to the cop in his own language, and as I watched him trying to spell the word ‘Hillbrow’, my world turned dark, and all hell broke loose The first call I had to make thereafter was to Vincent’s father, who was totally oblivious that his son was missing I had put off calling him for a while still. He had not been with us at the party the night before I remember sitting on the grass on the pavement in front of the restuarant and calling Eddy, and to this day I will never forget the shock and pain that came over the line. I went into ‘zombie mode’ and tried to get the girls to quieten down as the restaurant patrons were all watching these proceedings. My next call was to my brother Robert, who I had to tell that we had found Vincent… in the morgue. All I wanted then was my brother, who shot through to Joburg in a flash. The next few hours were a blur of all the family guys going through to Hillbrow and insisting on confirming that it was indeed my son lying on that cold slab. No one says NO to my brother They returned with the few belonging that Vincent had on him, minus his shoes and some jewellery yow, you would think that people would not steal from the dead! Candida and Vincent on stage at Cool Running with their band called Child of Ash
(THIS IS THE LAST PHOTO TAKEN OF VINCENT AND I TOGETHER – JUST HOURS BEFORE HIS ACCIDENT)
Someone called the family doctor for sedatives and my daughter in law at that point said that she should not take anything as she suspected that she was pregnant. PREGNANT!
Two days later we confirmed that there was indeed a little light at the end of a very long tunnel The idea that a part of my son was going to be born, kept me from either taking my own life or going totally insane People deal with tragedies in mysterious ways, some don’t want to know too much, while I am the type of person who wanted every last detail. I remember the chaotic feelings and emotional denials. How could this happen? What happened, when did it happen?
Since Vincent was the 2nd car to hit the overturned vehicle on a dark stretch of the highway, we were able to ascertain that he died at 4.17am. Chatting to my sister a little later in the night, she told us that her then 3 year old had sat up at that exact time, vomited over the edge of her bed, and gone back to sleep She is a very tuned in little girl what you may refer to as a Crystal child with psychic abilities The bottom fell out of my world and the next few years dragged by in a blur. It was so surreal, like a concrete tube had descended around me and I was emotionally unavailable. Don’t get me wrong, I cried buckets of tears in my more lucid moments, but I generally wandered through life for the next few months, until my grand daughter was born. ‘They’ say that when a person is in a dire situation you either fall into FIGHT or FLIGHT. I did neither, and only later learnt that there is the FREEZE reaction as well. One counselor I consulted with told me that my Soul is broken and she couldn’t work with me…. I still wonder about that statement, as I have never felt like a ‘complete’ person again. If this article seems a bit jumbled it’s because I am reading and editing this interview that was done by Hilda de la Rosa in our 13th edition. This is the first time I am reading it, so I am adding details as I go along. I am ready to share my story now.
Vincent’s funeral was large There were so many people. Eddy, his father, was in charge of who carried Vincent into the church and out again there were men from both sides of the family. I was told later that I didn’t cry during the funeral, just carried on with the motions. I had sunk below the surface of human feelings. I was not even in a position to think what impact this would have on Vincent’s sister, Candida. I knew she was suffering as much as I was, but it seemed that my heart was just too full of sadness to be able to offer her any real comfort. Candida and Vincent had enjoyed a very close relationship and he often turned to her when he was in trouble. They played in a band together and moved in the same circle of friends She is missing Vincent more than we know. She is a strong power girl, someone we all go to when we need advice or just to laugh. She is especially missing her almost daily interactions with her brother.
On the Monday after the funeral, I went back to work. Actually I did not go to work at all. My body just showed up there. I was numb. I could not process that the world just kept on turning and life just seemed to be continuing at its own relentless pace. There seemed to be no tomorrows for me There was only pain, sadness and a hollow feeling inside me that nothing could fill I don’t remember all the people who called or visited to pay their respects, but I do recall thanking them and saying that there are just ‘no words’ but the gestures were appreciated Eleven years later…There are still no words. No words that could comfort, or alleviate what I am feeling. I have a massive emptiness inside of me a big void. This was Vincent’s corner in the garden, the quiet space where we all added something to decorate the space. My little nieces hung their necklaces on the tree. It was a peaceful retreat, especially at night, alight with lanterns and candles.
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Vincent had taught himself to play the guitar at a very young age. He was good at it and become an accomplished and versatile guitarist He taught himself to play by ear. This was his passion his music and his collection of guitars and CD’s
Candida has the Studio guitar, Christy has an electric guitar and the amp, and one and his dear friends, Ryan, has one, which he had framed and is hanging on his wall at home –forever reminding him of our Vincent. His friends loved his casual attitude and the fact that he was always available is someone was in trouble
At some point I had the overwhelming need to find out what Vincent was listening to on his last journey on this planet. Everyone around me thought I had gone crazy Leighton, my partner, took me to the car Vincent’s had been driving. There was so much broken glass I just remember all the glass shattered, like my life. I found a lone beer glass. The only piece of glass that was unbroken. I took a part of the steering wheel home. I thought that perhaps this was the part that had impacted Vincent’s chest when he crashed. The first time I went to see the car at the pound I was alone, and I wanted to sit in the seat where he had died. Crazy but not crazy… whatever! We used a crowbar to pry the radio out of the dashboard and once it was out I retrieved a CD the last music that my beloved son heard. I found two of Vincent’s teeth, Christy’s ring and other bits and pieces. I was gathering the last pieces of my son’s life, including his entire CD collection, most of which has now been shared by us three women in his life. I have kept the clothes that Vincent wore on his last journey his shorts, the long pants and the army socks. I still sleep in them, especially in July, so you can all guess what I will be wearing on the night of the 16th of July… Vincent's army socks!
Candida is a singer and Vincent used to play lead guitar in her band called ‘Child of Ash’ After he died I took his Ovation guitar, which I had watched and listened to him playing for many, many hours, days and years. It stands in my bedroom along with his ashes to this day.
The shirt he died in was full of blood, and after trying to wash it out it was so faded that we dried it, and one evening we all sat around the fire and burned his shirt. Passing bits around the fire and wishing Vincent all the best We have a very non conservative family to say the least, we were never brought up with any religious guidance, but we all believe in a Higher Power and that when you die, you are not really gone. The bloody water from his shirt was ceremonially poured on the ground in a special place in the garden. That became Vincent’s corner a quiet space that we could all go to and feel a little closer to him. We decorated the area with flowers, beads from the kids, glitter on the ground and many little precious things. Most of us went there everyday It was just outside my bedroom so I felt some comfort, plus I had collected his ashes and they are still always close by.
After Carmen’s birth, it was time for re evaluation. What would I do with my life? What could I do to honour my journey and the life of my son? I knew that I could never again work for someone else I needed to dance to the rhythm of my own drum. I took stock of what I knew and wondered how I could use that knowledge to create a business for myself. Child of the Universe was conceived. I was planning on studying to be a Montessori teacher so I combined my own interest in Montessori with my skills in digital marketing, advertising sales, and taught myself the rest.
Christy spent most of her pregnancy with her parents in Mozambique, but returned to South Africa to get ready for the birth. So many people had rallied around to help her prepare for the arrival of her and Vincent’s baby. She was pretty much set up with everything before Carmen Ché duly arrived – a little early –in a hurry, just like her daddy. I was in the theatre for the birth and what an honour that was to cut the cord and hand Vincent’s daughter to her Mommy. This was definitely one of the most overwhelming moments of my life and I am thankful that I was blessed with the opportunity to be there when my son’s daughter came into this world. I will never ever forget that feeling a feeling of hope and connection Unforgettable it was
Child of the Universe is dedicated to the memory of Vincent and our real CEO is little Carmen Ché, who has been featured on many covers over the years. She motivates me to be the best I can possibly be and to produce a magazine that will inspire and encourage the teachers at Montessori and the Montessori moms and dads
A magazine that will make a difference in people’s lives. A magazine that supports living a conscious, healthy lifestyle and this includes integrity on all levels. Being associated with Montessori South Africa has certainly opened some doors for Child of the Universe. I published the first edition in September 2012.
Vincent had been a Montessori student and I witnessed how the “Montessorians’ brought out the best in him. When he was going through a tough time in ‘normal’ school, who wanted to put him on drugs so that he could be manageable in the class I basically told them to f off and put him into the Montessori Academy in Pretoria, with Glen in charge… that woman was one of the biggest blessings in my son’s life He learnt to trust in himself again and found his self esteem I liked their philosophy and approached the then CEO, Sharon Caldwell, to find out if the Montessori Association of SA (SAMA) had an official Montessori magazine. She loved the idea and immediately gave me her full co operation and support. The name was inspired by a song by Barkley James Harvest Child of the Universe, which you can listen to on YouTube.
Vincent lived on the edge He was always game for an adventure and didn’t want to miss out on anything He liked people and they were drawn to him in return. His whole life was lived to the maximum He was fearless Trouble seemed to find him, even when he was laughing in its face. Flames that burn so hot never seem to burn for very long... He did some silly things. My future is connected to Carmen’s, and that is how it should be. I want to be available to both Christy and Carmen, to help where I can financially and be a part of Carmen’s childhood years Christy has been to hell and back, she is young and still has the guts to fight for what she wants I have 3 girls in my life all Cj’s: Candida Julia, Christy Jardim and of course Carmen Jardim. Together we will pull through, its not always easy but we are a family. We have had some very rough times though somehow manage to keep our relationships intact. Christy was by now dating one of my son’s friends, who loves both the girls very much. They had a son together and he calls me Nana Carmen is a well adjusted, highly intelligent and captivating child. When she was younger than 3 she used to tell us that her Daddy used to talk to her in her sleep. She told us things about Vincent that she could not possibly have known, other than directly from him. She passed us a few messages from him from time to time. Now that she is growing up, that psychic connection seems to have faded. She is loved by so many people, lacks for nothing and has travelled more than most people my age! She loves to act and dance and manages to pull of pranks with a straight face her sense of humour comes from all sides of our combined families For many years I lived in anxiety, with this constant feeling that there was a large boulder in my chest – and I do need to re assure others who have lost loved ones, that time certainly helps you put things into perspective Somehow we learn to live without our precious lost ones. I know that Vincent is around, we have all experienced definite signs, and it’s comforting to know that he is watching over us. He is here, just not in the physical sense. I do believe in a higher power and I know that Vincent’s spirit is always near. I know he is safe and happy where he is now, and that we will meet again.
Child of the Universe has continued to grow, and we now have 4 online magazines. My daughter has joined me in the business and between us we pull together our monthly magazines. We encourage and inspire people to be better parents and be happier healthier, and more earth-conscious.
I am now beginning to learn to cope again. It has been eleven years since Vincent’s untimely death. I am learning to ‘eat this elephant in little bites’, and also to be gentle with myself. The hardest thing to cope with is that he’s never gonna walk through that door again with that big, naughty grin on his face and asking for petrol money as usual. That boy had me wrapped tightly around his little finger!
There is life after losing a child, just a different life.
Linda
There is life after losing a loved one, I have come to terms with it and am focusing on looking forward, while still cherishing all the memories of Vincent After all, I have had the pleasure of sharing my life with Vincent twice, once as my baby brother, and then as my son. He clearly had not completed his journey on this earth with me. This train of thought may completely freak you out, but I will save it for another day. This month my son would have been 37 years old, and it feels like just that other day that I was chasing him around to change his poo bum!
Cherish your children, that’s all I can say.
Through all of this loss and pain I learnt TRUST & FAITH. Trust that our Creator knows what He is doing and faith that everything happens at exactly the right time However awful it may be We talk to Carmen about her Dada often and she knows her daddy is in heaven. We share our special moments with her and show her pictures and videos of her dad. When she was around 2 years old, she pointed to a car that looked exactly like Vincent’s and said, “Daddy’s car”. We don't really know where she got that from. We don’t question it. What gives me a sense of equilibrium is knowing that I have a mission. I have a great deal I still have to achieve. Making Child of the Universe a magical magazine is one of them. I also know that this magazine can be produced anywhere in the world, and I plan on travelling and helping other people I have a path that I am meant to follow, and I am going to go where I am needed I am completely self sufficient and self supporting and can work from anywhere in the world My dreams are now becoming my reality. My advice to parents who are going through this pain is to try to avoid taking any medication to “help you cope” All this does is defer or mask the pain and makes you dependent I have been through it all, the medical profession loves to use you as a guinea pig and I have now had enough… on to natural remedies and support. Take your time. Get over this at your own pace. There is no one who can explain to you how long this should take. And there is no particular order that you need to follow. Mourning the death of a child is the most difficult thing to face. Be kind and gentle to yourself. And if you need help there is so much available out there reach out and find someone you would like to work things through with. Call us, we can recommend a whole whack of people as well as discuss the various healing modalities.
Blessings
In a nutshell, I lived through years of self destructive behaviour months ago I gave up looking at the world through copious bottles of red wine. My family have encircled me and my daughter has molly coddled me throughout her own grief My ex husband (not Vincent’s father) is always here for me This year I know I am healing, I am achieving things that I had no interest in doing in the past, and I am learning to live in gratitude I am living in the NOW! I am trusting the process of my journey though it is one that I would never wish on anyone else. You should never have to outlive your children.
Steve Newman
Support Steve by attending his gigs. Funds are being raised to assist this very gentle musician for a surgical procedure he needs. This wonderful artist, who has given so much of his time to entertaining the people of our country over many many years, needs our support. Steve, you going to rock this one! THURSDAY 8 SEPTEMBER 2022 - BAXTER THEATRE, CAPE TOWN Line Up: Steve Newman Trio *Hilton Schilder *Mark Fransman *Lu Dlamini, *Prime Circle *Wendy Oldfield *Robin Auld *Radio Kalahari Orkes *The Bottomless Coffee Band *Jacques Moolman and *Albert Frost 1st & 2nd OCTOBER 2022 – WOMAD FESTIVAL, WATERFRONT, CAPE TOWN Follow Steve on Facebook for more gig details as they become available
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