January 22nd, 2015

January 22–29, 2015

34st.com

january 22

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

2015

LOL

Two nights ago I lay on my floor for five minutes in the dark admiring the glow–in–the–dark stars on my ceiling.

All my friends were out. All I had to do for five minutes was breathe. I was isolated. But unlike being isolated in a Van Pelt carrel or by noise–canceling headphones, I was isolated from myself.

I admit, I was lost. I couldn't figure out the next move and that scared me more than anything.

I needed something to remind myself that there’s something other than action verbs in my resume. Something more than hand=me-down plastic stars. But what I’ve learned is passion doesn’t translate to anything other than passion, an attempt at recognition. As my favorite professor always says, “It’s the art of the try.” And that’s what campus activists do everyday, try to make people feel (p. 10).

Well, we’re all trying. And whatever we’re trying to do–– avoid people on Locust, not do the reading, navigate PennLink––we’re trying to rally people to our stories. That’s why we made the Word on the Street a section (p. 4), because our voices get lost in the distractions of all day, every single day As a Penn student, Street gives you a place for your story.

I find myself and lose myself at Street. I hope you can find yourself here, too.

3 HIGHBROW

roundup, overheards, penn diagram

4 WORD ON THE STREET on getting cut

5 EGO

pdv, food, good grades,

7 MUSIC LOL

LOL

LOL

you semester in jams

10 FEATURE

activism on campus

12 FILM

the duff, tweets from max handelman

14 FOOD & DRINK

biggest bang for your buck

LOL

LOL

16 ARTS

je suis charlie

18 LOWBROW lowbro

20 BACKPAGE rush sucks

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Editor Byrne Fahey, Design Editor Corey Fader, Photo Editor Galit Krifcher, Assistant Design Holly Li, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Highbrow Elie Sokoloff, Highbrow Katie Hartman, Word on the Street Randi Kramer, Ego Casey Quackenbush, Ego Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink 2

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All my love,

bigfrog104.com

SALT. TEQUILA. LIME. HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME. WE'RE GETTING COPABANANAS. FREE SHIT AND DRINK SPECIALS. HELP US CELEBRATE THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE YEAR.

COPA TONIGHT @ 8PM. Julie Levitan, Food and Drink Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Orly Greenberg, Film and TV Clare Lombardo, Features Amanda Suarez, Features Caroline Marques, Music Amanda Silberling, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Lowbrow Kimberly Lu, Backpage Mark Paraskevas, Copy Editor Sarah Fox, Copy Editor Pat Goodridge, Copy Editor

Alyssa Berlin, Marketing Director Giulia Imholte, Social Media Editor Rachel Rubin, Digital Designer Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Editor Lucy Hovanisyan, Web Producer Alex Cohn, Web Producer Mara Veitch, Web Producer COVER ILLUSTRATION: Amy Chen BACKPAGE DESIGN: Holly Li Contributors: Dina Moroz Raquel Banks

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "I don't like this girl. I don't think she's cooler than I am." ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

HIGHBROW'S PENN DIAGRAM

over heard PENN

SUPERB

at

Free GBM Food

Whartonite: I need an interview so I’ve been booty calling the recruiter’s daughter for the past week.

Lyn's Husband

Hai Street Opening

Street Copa Party Tonight

Golf Parties

AXP Strippers

Prebreak hookup

Your Lineage

Rush Values

Clicker Scramble

SDT sister: They made me take off my third Hermès bracelet before skit round.

New Year's Resolutions

Proficient in Microsoft Excel

RELEVANT

American boy at Castle late night: This is a serious international skank fest.

Study Abroad Meeting

Dirty freshman rush: I didn’t have any toilet paper so I had to use my nametag.

DEPLORABLE

THEROUNDUP New year, new Highbrow—watch out baby Quakes, we are no longer on social probation. Your vacation tans will fade as quickly as your New Year's resolutions and Highbrow will be here to document all of your debauchery. Hold on to your bids, freshmen—this spring is going to be a bumpy ride.

Sometimes alcohol doesn’t fully quench your thirst. Before the final round of cuts, one Tabard junior caught a rush having sex in her bed with a freshman boy. Embarrassed and in a haste to leave, she walked back to the quad with only one shoe

Sophomore girl: I sometimes pee a little when I take my pants off.

and sans jacket. The freshman allegedly claimed she was only making out with the boy and Tabard girls yelled at her, “You whore, rush Theta!”

However, video evidence shows Tabards kindly escorting the freshmen out of the house. Looks like Cinderella may have lost her Tabard bid, but we hope she found her glass slipper.

Taylor Swift sings “Welcome to New York”, but it appears one freshman girl has added to her long list of ex–lovers after a date party in the big city. The girl’s boyfriend ended their relationship with two hours left in the ride home and then attempted

to hookup with other biddies. We hope some upperclassmen and vodka consoled the poor soul. It’s safe to say that they are never, ever, ever getting back together.

That date night in New York seems to be one wild night. After returning to Philly, one freshman boy woke up in an off–campus house almost naked and covered in chocolate syrup.

As our shivering friend ran home to the quad early that morning, he made a quick stop at the Fresh Grocer to warm up. However, disgusted employees quickly kicked the sticky boy out. If only he had bought some sprinkles, Highbrow would have licked him clean—what a beautiful chocolate man!

Highbrow hears that one off–cam-

pus pregame got too hot to handle this weekend. One sceney house experienced a little oven fire right before a downtown that evening.

Thankfully, the fire department and Penn police arrived on the scene before the fire could do any damage. Surveying the bountiful bottles of booze, the Penn police were sadly unable to cite any legitimate misconduct. After the police left, we hear the scenesters toasted with shots of Fireball. If you can’t handle the heat, don't read Highbrow.

Any juicy stories from this week? Send your best tips and tales at stories@34st.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

(Photo: Corey Fader)

ON GETTING CUT CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

When you get to Penn, you hear a million things about sorority rush.

One girl says it’s the best thing she ever did, while another didn’t even think about trying it. One girl realized it wasn’t for her and dropped out, while another found her best friends. The one thing you won’t hear is what the girl who got cut has to say. I'm that girl.

But I'm not the only one—about a third of Penn women who rush ultimately get cut. Why won’t they admit it? Because getting cut from rush is embarrassing. It’s 1,200 girls telling you you’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough and not interesting enough to be their sister. I can’t think of a rejection more painful during your first year of college, so when it happened to me, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

My first reaction was disbelief.

I couldn’t believe I’d been one of those girls, one of the third that gets cut. That stat stuck with me from my recruitment orientation. It was likely the first time the PNMs (potential new members) heard this number and probably the last.

4

Welcome to Word on the Street. It's similar to our retired column in Highbrow of the same name, but bigger and better. Word on the Street (or WOTS, for short) features Penn voices. This new section is the place for your stories and opinions. This week, in honor of yesterday’s Bid Day and the five days of rush ape–shit craziness that proceeded it, Word on the Street is taking on sorority recruitment. You’ve seen the Instagrams and cover photos flaunting a newfound sisterhood, but you haven’t heard from the girls who didn't get a bid.

Surely, I couldn’t be the girl who slipped through the cracks.

I watched my best friend get into the sorority she wanted, I watched another friend try to cope with being cut, too, and I watched many acquaintances make statuses about AXO being the way to go or “APhi for me.” I watched in silence, and when asked what had happened to me, where my bid was, I pretended I had dropped. “It just wasn’t for me,” “I didn’t get called back anywhere I liked, so I got out,” “I just got bored.” Any excuse that came to me when asked, I regurgitated.

A week later, I was crying in my dorm room bed, quietly and at night so my roommates didn’t hear me. I cried because I felt more lost that week than I had my first week at Penn. How could identify without those two or three Greek letters? I hadn’t gotten very involved in extracurriculars, and a girl who had been cut from the one activity everyone seemed to do.

It wasn't very dramatic—being told I hadn't been called back to any more houses. I was sitting on my dorm room floor the day

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between Philanthropy Round and Pref when I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. When I picked it up and a woman from the Panhel Offce introduced herself, I braced myself. "Unforunately" is the only word that I really remember her saying, the rest a blur.

"Thanks for letting me know," I uttered before she hung up. I definitely hadn't meant that.

The next morning, I started to reconsider all the groups on campus that I'd been taking for granted.

Now was the time to finally go to those meetings that I'd been ignoring for a semester.

By the end of freshman year, I’d found who I was again. I started writing more and got deeply involved with Colleges Against Cancer. I realized that waiting for rush to tell me who I was and where I belonged wouldn’t have helped me at all.

I kept my friends from first semester and made new friends in my new groups. I started hearing the truth about getting cut from older girls: some people just get forgotten about, some people unfairly pull for

others and some people ultimately just have bad luck with rush.

I’d like to thank the 1,200 girls that didn’t notice me or didn’t think I was cool enough; you gave me the opportunity to figure out who I am.

Getting cut isn’t the end of the world. It sucks; there’s no way around that. You’ll feel rejected, but that feeling won’t last forever.

Someone needs to say that because everyone acts like getting cut isn’t a possibility. It happens, it sucks, and then you get over it.

I joined the new sorority, ADPi, my sophomore year, but my affiliation is now a mere afterthought.

It doesn’t shape my schedule or determine my friends. My affiliation hasn’t dictated what I do or who I am at Penn. For that, I couldn’t be happier.

I’m a writer, a philanthropist, a student—anything I fucking want to be, and no group of girls could have told me that. I’m not saying fuck the Greek system, I’m just saying “who cares?” So what if you get cut? You know who you are. Go be that girl.

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: PATRICK DEL VALLE

When this Whartonite isn’t saving Penn traditions as a member of Class Board, you’ll find him Instagram stalking the shit out of you or doing McNasty things at any and all fast food restaurants

Hometown: Seattle Age: 22 DOB: October 20 Involved in: Class Board, Mortar Board, tangible change Lives on: Pine St Major: OPIM

taco with me when I’m craving Taco Bell and there are people who won’t.

Street: Describe yourself in three words.

PDV: More is more. You know how people say less is more? I say more is more because I’m hungry for everyStreet: Tell me about the most thing, beyond food, obviously. scandalous thing you did over I just want to absorb and winter break. consume as much as I can…

Patrick Del Valle: Oh, my The joke is whenever I’m demost scandalous. I don’t know ciding between two things on if I am the right person to ask a menu, I just get both. for something scandalous, because my ideal winter break Street: What’s the weirdest involves a lot of Netflix, makthing you’ve ever done with ing nests a lot and eating a lot fast food? And what kind? of snacks.

PDV: One is obviously the McNasty. I’ve made the McStreet: What about trolling Nasty. I’ve eaten the McNasty. the internet?

The McNasty is a McDouble PDV: So I love finding the and you put a McChicken weird crap on the internet... inside of it. And then you There’s this YouTube channel eat it. So that is probably that I’ll frequent sometimes the epitome of my culinary called “Mad Cat Lady,” I think. existence.

And it’s [these] really weird at-home animations of cats and Street: If you could have a cat-people. drink with anyone in history, who would it be and why?

Street: You should check out PDV: I would want to get a the Instagram @buttsexcat. drink with someone who I PDV: Butt sex cat? Are there disagree with. Or who I find any spaces in that? controversial…It’d be more interesting to have more of a Street: No. challenging encounter, if you PDV: Butt. Sex. Cat. Oh my will. Andy Warhol. Because god, that sounds amazing. Oh, he’s both those things...but is fuck, so it’s like cat memes. I also such an enigma. love the way that the internet has regurgitated back onto realStreet: What will you be doity…You’re seeing what’s funny ing on this day in 10 years? be defined by what’s on the PDV: I’ll definitely be walking internet and what you wear… my dogs...I’m thinking one Think about how much fashwill be [named] Tofu. I love ion is influenced by Tumblr food names, so Tofu. But I and how you’re starting to see also like Butterscotch because memes on t-shirts. you could call him Butters.

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…

PDV: There are people who will drop everything and get a

Street: When was the last time you masturbated?

PDV: That’s so embarrassing.

I can’t even remember. Like

within the last 24 hours, honestly. No, call it 48. Probably the last 48 hours.

Street: Which RomCom best describes your life?

PDV: Like, Liz Lemon’s eating habits kind of describe my life.

That is fucked up. I would vigorously pursue, without harming, the child for the candy. And I would forcefully retrieve the candy at almost any cost. And then I would go up to the child’s parent and really let them know what I thought of their child and how poorly they’ve been raising it and make sure that the child was reprimanded. Because one, not only is thievery a horrible thing that plagues this society, but two, stealing candy is just fucked up!

And mean!

Street: What was your first AIM screenname?

PDV: It was PhattyPaddy600.

That was a really interesting time of my life—wow. AIM is such a funny thing to be nostalgic for. Like now the things that were on the internet are Street: What’s the number one “our childhood.” thing on your Penn bucket list?

PDV: I would love to get on the Street: What should PDV roof of college hall. And I want to stand for?

PDV: PDV should stand for... try every chicken finger on campus.

Pretty Damn Vivacious? That’s I think I’ve almost done that. a more than apt summary of Street: How would you feel my person. about posing nude for this Street: What do you love and photo?

PDV: I think that the FCC hate most about Penn? would just lose their shit.

PDV: I love how much people care about things here.

Everyone here has a thing that they just dedicate a lot of themselves to. What I don’t like about Penn is the way that certain people are imageconscious. And we’re just very obsessed with rankings here.

Street: Going off of that, what do you care most about at Penn?

PDV: I’m part of Class Board and I really buy into this old sense of Ivy League tradition that we have here. We have so much history here and it’s cool to be part of that. So I love working with the Class Board to make these big traditions come to life.

Street: If a child stole your candy what would you do?

Be honest.

PDV: OMG. First of all, be so angry. Because obviously candy is a sacred thing to me.

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EGO

40th ST

SANSOM ST

125

NEW YEAR, NEW PLACES Along with those abroad juniors appearing back on campus, here are some (slightly more) exciting additions HAI STREET KITCHEN

Rated as one of the ten hottest new restaurants in Philadelphia by Zagat, Hai Street Kitchen & Co. just opened its second location this weekend in University City. The Japanese restaurant offers its famous Japanese burritos, an "American version of sushi,” says regional manager, Patrick Hughes. He hopes the form of the burrito, paired with proteins, vegetables and Asian flavors, will make sushi more accessible to those who may be wary of it. With four more locations slated to open this year in Philly, the eatery’s tactics must be working.

ZESTO'S Watch out, Allegro—there’s a new pizzeria in town. Zesto Pizza and Grill may be small and quaint, but the slices are huge. And get this— the friendly staff even kept your drunk munchies in mind. They’re now open until 3am on Fridays and Saturdays. While the menu includes your standard selection of salads, pastas and sandwiches, don’t overlook the staple cheese slice. Bigger, cheesier and doughier, the hand–tossed, Neapolitan pizza, topped with their signature margarita sauce and cooked in a stone fire oven, is all you need.

JAKE'S SANDWICH BOARD

122

Finally you don’t have to haul ass all the way downtown to Pat’s or Geno’s for a good cheesesteak; Jake’s Sandwich Board just opened its second location here. It’s hard not to salivate while skimming its array of subs, from brisket to pork to turkey, all slow–roasted overnight.

Gary Dorfman, the co–founder of Jake’s, let us in on a little secret: Starting next week, they’ll be open until 3am, so hopefully you’ll always have something to keep you company on those lonely nights.

HOW TO:

SCHEME YOUR WAY TO AN UP-GRADE

There’s nothing worse than waking up to a CITsender email in your inbox while on break. Penn InTouch is lagging and you’re trying to anticipate how much of a blow your Orgo grade will be to your GPA. Have no fear. Ego is here

Course: EAS-203: Engineering Ethics

C

How to Up–Grade: Make small, squeamish male TA uncomfortable by referencing your lady troubles on the day of the exam.

Course: MATH-170: Ideas in Mathematics

B-

How to Up–Grade: Hunt down TA with their preferred cup of coffee (that you saw him drinking this one time on Facebook. You’re his stalker, not his firne friend).

Course: BEPP-208: Housing Markets

D+ this class, cry.

How to Up–Grade: If you have any tears left from

Course: RELS-259: Ultimate Meanings

A

How to Up–Grade: There are no wrong answers in this class.

Course: RELS-370: Corpse as Material Culture in the Study of Religion

B

How to Up–Grade: Promise to die and donate your body to the class in exchange for an A-.

Course: COMM-125: Communication Behavior

C

How to Up–Grade: Straight up drop out of Penn.

This is not the place for you.

Look smart.

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NOW OPEN

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MUSIC

This week, Music decided to bring you the best of the best to fill your “busy” calendars this semester.

Here's our sneak peek of the must–see concerts, coolest venues and everything else you need to get done before finals

WINTER BREAK EDITION

BEATS STREET ON THE

Penn students share what songs were playing while SABSing in da club, skiing down a Colorado mountainside or avoiding family over winter break

H

Telegraph Ave ("Oakland" By Lloyd)– Childish Gambino Gabrielle Patterson, senior, College Blank Space – Taylor Sw Chase Staub, grad student, SAS Recognize – Drake Leticia Salazar, freshman, College Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin Aaron Pardik, sophomore, College Manila–Hotdog Michelle Abigan, freshman, College

Feeling Myself – Nicki Minaj Deena Char, freshman, Wharton Just a Lil Bit – 50 Cent Noah Onoff, sophomore, College Firework – Katy Perry Kaan Pinar, junior, College/SEAS Paradise – Coldplay Esther Park, freshman, College Walkin’ on Sunshine – Katrina & the Waves Clarissa Liu, freshman, SEAS

$$$ GRANTS AVAILABLE FOR YOUR GROUP $$$

The Trustees’ Council of Penn Women (TCPW) is pleased to announce its 2015-2016 Grants Program and encourages members of the University community to apply.

Grants ranging between $1,000-$5,000 will be available to individuals or organizations which promote: • women’s issues • the quality of undergraduate and graduate life for women • the advancement of women • the physical, emotional and psychological well-being of women Favorable consideration will be given to projects that: • affect a broad segment of the University population • foster a greater awareness of women’s issues • provide seed money for pilot programs that have the potential to become ongoing self-supporting programs To apply, visit the TCPW website at www.alumni.upenn.edu/tcpwgrants and download the application from the TCPW Grant web page. Applications must be submitted no later than February 13, 2015.

Awards will be announced in the Spring of 2015 and funds will be distributed in July/August 2015 for projects in the 2015-2016 academic year.

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MUSIC

Devon O'Connor Devon O’Connor (W '17) is cooler than you could ever hope to be. And it’s not just because she knows how to breakdance. When she's not studying in Huntsman, Devon drops her last name and becomes singer–songwriter Devon. She recently released her debut album "Love and Haight" and spent last summer touring across the country with The Nearly Deads and Rivers Monroe Street: First, we have to ask the obvious question – what’s it like being an artist in Wharton?

Devon O'Connor: It always catches people off guard.

When my friends realize I’m in Wharton, they’re always very confused. Being an artist in Wharton is actually awesome, because when you tell professors what you’re doing, they’re really eager to help you tailor your education towards what you actually want to be doing in life. They’re actually excited that you’re not doing the normal Wharton path.

Right now, I’m in the process of trying to make my own individualized concentration

with a focus in music business. It’s awesome.

Street: How has your Wharton background helped you so far in your music career?

DO: When I meet with my record label, they’re really excited about the fact that I’m a business student. They’re a lot more willing to work with me. They don’t just see me as the artist. They see me as a partner.

Street: How did you start FLAM (For Lyricists And Musicians)?

DO: When I came to Penn, I wanted to join the song–writing club, so I asked Jessica

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[Lowenthal] at the Kelly Writers House how I could join and she said that there wasn’t one, but that I could start one.

So that’s how I got paired up with her and she was super helpful with helping me start FLAM. I love that I get to meet all of Penn’s musicians.

There are a lot of us here on campus, but we are each under the assumption that there are no other Penn musicians.

So we all perform secretly with our friends, but we never realize that there are more of us. We have our first recording session in the new Wexler Studio at the Kelly Writers House in a few weeks.

coming on the tour with her acoustic guitar. The reason I got on the tour was because I agreed to sell merch for them and they let me be the opening act. It was weird at first because they were like, 'We want to do music full-time with our lives,' but they didn’t realize that’s also what I want and that I’m going to Penn to help [myself ] with that. But we ended up getting along really well after that.

Street: What was the process of recording your album?

DO: I have a studio set up in my basement, so I recorded all of the acoustic guitar there. I even cut vocals there. I wrote and produced all my songs, and then I took it to MorningStar studios, where I worked with Glenn Barratt, six-time

Grammy-nominated engineer and mixer. Jef Lee Johnson played bass and lead guitar on all my songs. He’s crazy talented. He passed away shortly after recording my album, actually. And I play one of his guitars live now. He’s amazing.

Street: If your music were a location at Penn, where would it be?

DO: It would probably be that field that no one knows what it’s called. It’s on 40th, like right across from Qdoba, with the weird benches. The weird benches represent the gospel choir… You know, just this white girl at Wharton producing this funk, alternative, soul record. It’s a field, a free-spirit, just running around, chilling.

Street: How did you decide to start performing and writing your own music?

DO: I’ve been singing, songwriting and playing guitar and piano all my life. Somewhere in high school, I hit a point where I realized that music is a career and I can do that if I want...I realized that I love music too much to not do it full-time.

Street: What was it like going from being a student at Penn to being on a tour over the summer?

DO: Well, the other people on the tour didn’t know what to think of me. I was coming on by myself, living on the bus with one of the other bands and all they knew was that there’s this little Penn girl

Want to see Devon in action? Catch her at the 2nd State Lounge on Jan. 21, or Tin Angel on Feb. 20.

34TH STREET

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F E AT U R E

F E AT U R E

ACTING OUT

Penn activists rally around national and local causes

O

n Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the campus group Students Organizing for Unity and Liberation (SOUL) and its supporters met at 40th and Locust streets to march towards the School District of Philadelphia building, joining thousands for the Historic MLK DARE March. They chanted the symbolic rallying cry of the Ferguson protests, “Hands up, don’t shoot,” as they marched through campus and around City Hall.

Symbols define many causes, including those addressed by Penn’s activist groups.

These groups must traverse the complexities of the social and political issues they confront. Eye–catching and provocative, symbols ranging from slogans to statistics allow Penn’s activists to engage their peers. Still, symbols must not be exempt from scrutiny, for any aspect of a movement unchecked is as counterproductive to its supporters as it is to those it hopes to persuade. And on a college campus, persuasion is hard to quantify.

S

OUL co–founder and College junior Gina Dukes believes that the “Hands up, don’t shoot” gesture is powerful, despite the grand jury decision not to indict Darren Wilson.

“Even if Mike Brown himself didn’t have his hands up…it’s still symbolic of the position black people and brown people face in this country when they face police who come at them with this violence,” she said. “There’s nothing we can do. We’re immediately shot first. No questions asked.”

According to Gina, SOUL’s goals include “economic empowerment, political development, further radicalizing students on Penn’s campus and being an outlet for people who want to have these conversations.” The group’s protest movement has not been short–lived. Last October, before the grand jury verdict on November 24th, the group

1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 2 , 2 01 5

began Ferguson Fridays—weekly events to keep the spotlight on Ferguson. One Friday, they staged a four–hour–long die–in, during which four students laid on red cloth by the Benjamin Franklin statue near College Hall.

While four people participated in this longer die–in, hundreds showed up to the group’s four–and–a–half–minute long die–ins, held after the grand jury verdict was announced.

In a post on SOUL’s Facebook page, Gina and SOUL co–founder and College senior Breanna Moore wrote, “We have nothing to lose but our chains,” evoking a violent symbol of slavery. The full quote, which appears in the caption to SOUL’s profile picture, is attributed to Assata Shakur, as Gina confirmed. Shakur, a member of the Black Panther Party convicted of murdering a New Jersey state trooper in 1977. After escaping from prison and seeking asylum in Cuba, she made it onto the FBI’s list of Most Wanted Terrorists in 2013. SOUL’s Facebook caption describes her as a “revolutionary sistah.”

Back on campus after winter break, Gina explained her interpretation of Shakur’s quote. “Because our humanity is already at stake, because our people are already being killed, we have nothing to lose but all the chains that hold us back as far as oppression and racism,” she said. “The only thing we have left to gain is our freedom.”

But some symbols protesters use have drawn criticism. Those skeptical of the symbols point to the fog of the eyewitness accounts surrounding Brown’s last moments as well as contradictory physical evidence— powder burns, DNA, bullet trajectory, blood evidence and shell casings—they argue that these factors undermine a protest movement or ideology based on the case in Ferguson.

Calvin Whitaker, a funeral director who picked up and transported Brown’s body, explained in an interview with a Missouri FOX affiliate that the body was on the ground for so long because he was told by police to remain in his car until the crowd and gunshots disseminated and he could proceed.

On December 13th, the organization Although the burden of reality rests on the covered the LOVE statue on campus with shoulders of the activists, protest organizover 100 of these responses. It was uners stand by the “die–in” symbol. “The act missable to the thousands of students who of lying down like that is not new,” College walked through College Green that day. “We senior and former UMOJA co–chair Denzel wanted it to be a central Cummings said. place where people “I think it’s really “It’s an issue when could come to read the important to unpeople don’t know why responses, especially if derstand that these they couldn’t partake in actions stem from they’re laying down; the event,” UMC Chair the wide variety of some are just and Wharton junior police brutality that happens, not just bandwagon followers.” Tanya Jain said.

UMC’s photo these two cases.” campaign also began While UMOJA, an umbrella organization that unites students in response to the Ferguson case, and, acof the African Diaspora, does not organize its cording to Tanya, aimed to enlighten Penn’s students on “why it’s important that we value own protests, it supports SOUL’s protests in everyone the same.” “any way [it] can,” said Denzel.

Tanya believes activism should create a The organization is one of five groups on general awareness of a particular issue. “A lot the 5B, which aims to represent minority of these protests that are going on cater to groups on campus. Unlike SOUL, the 5B focuses largely on campus policies, including people who are really gung–ho about the ismental health, faculty diversity and financial sue, while there are people who have no idea what’s even going on,” she said. “It’s an issue aid for low–income and first–generation when people don’t know why they’re laying students. While groups with symbols or down; some are just bandwagon followers.” catchphrases are easily identifiable on camAfter considering evidence that challenges pus, the Penn community engages with the 5B’s efforts in less visible ways—with general Brown’s role as an example of a broader narrative, Tanya conceded. “Even if you don’t body meetings, speaker events and cultural use Michael Brown, there are so many other celebrations. instances of people that were faced with police brutality. Who was that guy who was choked?” she said, wondering about Eric Garner’s case. n Tuesday December 8th, over 200 But, she said she “wouldn’t make a case students headed to Houston Hall to participate in the United Minority Council’s if the evidence is still shaky. It defeats the whole purpose because then people just try #WhyBlackLivesMatter photo campaign. to attack [our] symbol.”

The campaign didn’t revolve around the

O

“Hands up, don’t shoot” gesture or include a die–in protest, as SOUL’s have. Instead, each student wrote a reason why black lives matter and posed for a photograph with his or her response, written in black marker on a white sheet of paper. “Because indifference is ignorance,” one read. Another: “Because equality shouldn’t just be a slogan.”

“W

e use our institutional citizenship here at Penn to hold our own huge, powerful institution accountable,” said Chloe Sigal, Student Labor Action Project (SLAP) organizer and College senior.

For Chloe, holding Penn accountable

By Dina Moroz means demanding that it pay PILOTs—pay- mental issues. In previous years, Divest Penn ments in lieu of taxes, or voluntary taxes paid and Penn Community for a Sustainable Endowment pushed for divestment, but never by nonprofit organizations to the city. succeeded, for various reasons, including a SLAP is a movement for “economic lack of direction. Fossil Free Penn demands, justice.” In past years, the group successfully again, that Penn divest from fossil fuels. spearheaded the “Justice on the Menu” and In October, almost 30 students headed to “End Deathtraps” campaigns. Their hallmark this year, PILOTs, has gained attention the Inn at Penn, chanting, “Penn Trustees, citywide, partially due to the group’s sit–in at divest, please,” outside their meeting. But their efforts have yet to translate into meanPresident Amy Gutmann’s holiday party in ingful policy change.

December.

“How are we going to divest from fossil Today, Penn and Columbia are the only fuels if we can’t even divest from tobacco?” universities in the Ivy League that don’t College sophomore and coordinator for Fospay PILOTs, an ongoing campaign that sil Free Penn Gavi Reiter said in an interview began in the seventies in the United States. on campus in January.

SLAP demands Penn pay 0.1 percent of While critics doubt the economic prosits annual operating budget, or 6.6 million pects for renewable energy, Gavi believes dollars a year, to the city. This money would an economic incentive will emerge in the be allocated just as any other property tax revenue, with 55 percent going to the School long–term, though unapparent now. “It’s important for Penn to set a District of Philadelphia. Still, the role “We use our insti- precedent that these energy sources are very dirty and of 6.6 million dollars tutional citizenship that’s not where the future of revenue in a city with an 81–million here at Penn to hold should be heading. So we should be an example and dollar budget deficit our own huge, care about the future of our remains unknown.

SLAP organizer powerful institution students and everyone else,” she said. and College senior accountable.”

Gavi’s advocacy work is Adrian Rios said that just one example of students Penn’s current comvoicing dissatisfaction with munity involvement the status quo. “I love that we’re students is not enough. “When you’re a nonprofit and we can use our voices,” she said. that celebrates how much money you have, that’s questioning your nonprofit status,” Adrian added. “What kind of nonprofit holds 10 billion dollars in endowment?

That’s unheard of.” rom College Hall to City Hall, Penn’s

I

n September, on the bus back from the People’s Climate March in New York City, five Penn students channeled their momentum from the day, creating Fossil Free Penn.

The group, now in its third iteration, joins Penn’s many activist groups tackling environ-

F

activist groups use their voices to advocate for causes they deem worthwhile.

They raise their arms, they lie down and they sit–in. They carry with pride the slogans and signs that represent their causes—each with its own critics and backstories.

Dina Moroz is a senior from Philadelphia majoring in English.

J A N U A R Y 2 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

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FILM & TV

REVIEW­—"THE DUFF"

This Mae Whitman teen comedy is as funny as it is truthful about social hierarchies in high school (presumably youthful) audience that high school is only temporary, but being comfortable with who you are lasts forever. (Ed. Note: Barf.)

It is, however, more technologically up–to–date.

Texts flash across the screen, students watch an embarrassing viral video of Bianca on their phones, and the words “Tumblr,” “Pinterest” and “Vine” make it into the script.

There’s a clear pandering to a "The DUFF" (Designated Ugly Fat Friend, that is) is more or less typical high school comedy. However, protagonists Mae Whitman breaks the mold by looking like someone you actually could have seen in homeroom every day. Whitman, who plays title character Bianca Piper, is short, (very slightly) chubby and kind of plain looking.

Because of her average appearance, Bianca is considered the DUFF of her friend group.

The movie is quick to reconcile that DUFF isn't a literal term as much as a figurative term.

This idea is a smart commentary on the way adolescents relate. If you like someone, you don't just tell them, you ask their friend that you don't have a crush about their feelings. That friend's the DUFF, and Bianca isn't happy to learn that's she's the go–to.

Cue Bianca’s journey of finding herself, which involves “unfriending” her hotter BFFs and trading chemistry tutoring for studying “reverse DUFF” advice from her football hunk neighbor, Wesley Rush. Cue comic attempts to woo her guitar–strumming crush, Toby

Tucker.

The narrative involves a predictable romance and truly charming turns from Whitman and his counterpart Robbie Amell, who plays Wesley.

Whitman proves her talent for physical comedy in a number of laugh–inducing fantasy scenes.

Supporting roles from the infallible Allison Janney, Ken Jeong and Romany Malco provide extra laughs in the already funny film.

The movie equally poignant as an Easy A or Mean Girls-type. The film teaches its

PENN ALUM TWEETS: MAX HANDELMAN

A recurring feature bringing you 140 characters or less of wisdom from Penn alums in the entertainment industry Max Handelman @maxhandelman Jan 15

I hope all the professional Oscar nominee guessers are successful with their guesses.

Max Handelman is an accomplished Hollywood producer with credits on films like "Pitch Perfect". More importantly, he’s Mr. Elizabeth Banks and an APES (formerly AEPi) alum. This week, Film & TV trolled his Twitter account for some thoughts about the film industry. We wonder how Effie Trinket feels about all that sass...

younger demographic. And that works.In combination with its Plain Jane protagonist, the film makes "The DUFF" a fairly novel film. It’s not a perfect movie, but neither is the heroine. Nonetheless, Whitman will win your heart. And Amell’s impressive pecs will win over another part of you.

CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

DUFFs on Campus

Grade: B +

Van Pelt: The Biddle Law Library and Fisher Fine Arts are hotter, and boy, do they know it. Yet Van Pelt, as the approachable one, still fills up every finals season.

Qdoba: Making Honest Tom's and Chipotle look gourmet.

Dean DeTurck: We're wondering how many times a day he gets asked about how Amy G is doing.

See If You Like: Easy A, John Tucker Must Die

The DUFF hits theaters on Friday, February 20

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FOOD & DRINK

Street didn't study abroad, but we still appreciate a bit of international flavor.

FAVORITE FOODS FROM ABROAD People always come back a little fatter, here's why.

Name: Abby Graham (Junior, College) | City: Buenos Aires Favorite homecooked meal: Choripan

“It’s just chorizo (sausage) plus pan (bread, usually crusty like a baguette or marraqueta).

It’s so good.”

Come to our launch party tonight, and we'll go south of the border. If you know what we mean.

Favorite meal when eating out in Buenos Aires: Asado barbecue “Asado is just barbecue but EVERY part of the cow is used. Like, damn, the first time we got it there was one piece that was odd-textured and white-ish…turns out it was just pure fat!”

Name: Ingred Prince (Junior, Nursing) | City: Seoul

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Favorite home cooked meal: Ssambap wraps with galbi

“Korean dishes are based on the seasons and time of day. For the summer, I love eating ssambap wraps (a dish of meat and rice wrapped in lettuce) with galbi (Korean barbecue). The lettuce is surprisingly refreshing and complements the slightly sweet seasoning of the galbi. For harsh icy winters, I love spicy soups that heat up the chest area like kimchijjigae or Gamjatang.”

Favorite meal when eating out in Seoul: Ddeokbokki

“For those late nights clubbing in Gangnam or Hongdae, a quick stop at a food truck serving ddeokbokki (a soft, spicy rice and fish cake) and blood sausages makes the night complete.”

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Name: Becky Sokolow (Senior, College) | City: Barcelona Favorite home-cooked meal: Pretty much anything over rice

“Sometimes I would sautée chicken in soy sauce and eat it with rice—pretty simple. Or I would make rice with some Spanish meat, tomatoes, cheese and guac if I could find any.”

Favorite meal when eating out in Barcelona: Pan con tomate

“Spain has a lot of tomatoes, potatoes, seafood, ham and cheese, so I typically had plenty of dishes with those ingredients when I ate out.”

Spicy Sabzi (2cents/calorie)

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Hashbrowns (0.75 cents/calorie)

Farmer's Market Sandwich (2.16 cents/calorie)

Crispy Shroom Roll (1.23 cents/ calorie)

Harvest Bowl (1.36 cents/calorie)

Tuna Salad Slim (0.54 cents/calorie)

Crunchburger (1.24 cents/calorie)

Chicken burrito (0.65 cents/calorie)

Cents per calorie

Veg Meat 0

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4 Bedrooms Central Heat Washer/Dryer on site Pets Allowed McDonald's McChicken Jake's Farmers Market

The Biggest Bang for Your Buck

A side–by–side comparison of the cheapest meat and vegetarian options at all your favorite 40th and Walnut street restaurants, by price per calorie*

$

Chipotle's Sofritas Burrito

Jake's Skinny Turkey

McChicken (0.31 cents/calorie)

Skinny Turkey (2 cents/calorie)

Chili Citrus Pork Roll (1.59 cents/calorie)

2

FOOD & DRINK

SPACIOUS

HOUSE

AVAILABLE!

2015-2016 school year

Great Location!

4041 Baltimore Ave

At Penn, At Home | apartmentsatpenn.com | 215.222.0222

J A N U A R Y 2 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

REQUIRED READING

ARTS

This is the one week of semester where you trek to the Penn Book Center (maybe). While you're there, pick up the required reading for classes you won't find on Penn InTouch WRIT-030-300 Food Porn: Aesthetics of Eating Cookbook Book, Annahita Kamali and Floriam Bohm Phaidon’s newest coffee table release is the Playboy of food porn: glossy, high res photos, insightful essays and centrefolds that’ll make you drool. As anyone who has taken an art history writing seminar (not many of you) know, a picture book is *the* Holy Grail of this requirement. Cookbook Book is all lush photography with a block of text every 50 pages. Enjoy rhetorically outlining in two minutes and then laughing maniacally in the faces of everyone reading about reading.

PHIL-203-105 Confucius to Karl Marx: A History of Moral Philosophy through Eccentric Facial Hair The Gigantic Beard that Was Evil, Stephen Collins Had Dr. Seuss been a philosopher, he probably would have written The Gigantic Beard that Was Evil.

This graphic novel tells the story of a conformist utopia that is shattered by one man’s wild beard growth.

It’s a comic book that reads like a philosophical thesis: “What we see here is becauselessness itself.”

SOCI-235-401 The Year of Seeing in Color: American Racial Dialogue in 2014 Who We Be: The Colorization of America, Jeff Chang Last semester the university and nation erupted in a vital dialogue about race, minorities and Christmas cards in contemporary US society. Who We Be tells the history of America’s last three decades through the backgrounds, skin tones and stories of the diverse people living here. Read about the sociology of America’s recent past to better understand its present.

ENVS-420-660 Sustainability From the Shoal Cave to the Sushi Buffet Octopus! The Most Mysterious Creature in the Sea, Katherine Harmon Courage Penn prides itself on weird interdisciplinary mash-ups. Octopus! is exactly that. Part Japanese studies, part natural history, part animal behavior and human anthropology—this book would take care of every single distribution requirement while providing a vital education on a sea creatures made only of arms and a head.

BBB-270-401 This is Your Brain on Drugs Buzzed, Cynthia Kuhn and Wilkie Wilson Buzzed reads like an IKEA manual for substance– induced neurobiological disturbances. It clearly illustrates, step–by–step, how we get fucked up. Read it as a roadmap for the trip to your altered mind state. You might find out, you know, what we actually spend our weekends doing.

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ARTS

DISPATCH: THE ART OF TEXTBOOK SEARCHING Just when you thought textbook searching couldn't get any more extreme

“A First Course in Probability by Sheldon Ross, 9th Edition.” It checks all the boxes of a pain–in–the–ass textbook: 1) It’s required.

2) The one–month–old 9th edition invalidates the 8th editions everyone from last semester’s class is trying to sell. 3) On Campus Express it’s $194.

Enough is enough. I'm finding a reasonably priced textbook, damnit.

January 14, 2:37 p.m.: I call up my Chinese friend to do his best search for a PDF of the textbook on all of the best Chinese piracy sites (e.g. doc88.com) where copyright laws are more lax.

It’s not very legal.

January 15, 7:15 p.m.: There is sadness. Then there is this:

January 15, 7:30 p.m.: Finally, I find a copy “on reserve.”

January 15, 7:31 p.m.: After Googling what “on reserve” means, briefly wonder if it’s possible to loan a textbook out every day.

January 15, 7:45 p.m.: Eventually, I find out that I can request it for free at Interlibrary Loan.

Should take about a week #discoveries.

January 15, 8:00 p.m.: Freedom. Leave VP feeling happy that I managed to get my textbook for free. Wish I could sell organs, blood or sperm to pay for this fucking school.

January 14, 2:40pm: A quote drifts into my head from Joe Biden’s 2014 commencement speech: “[The Chinese] lack what we have...[America] has a legal system that is open and fair.”

Ironically, I’m finding out the opposite.

January 14, 8:00pm: Chinese friend tells me the textbook is MIA. “But I can give you the 8th edition.” I give him a flat–out no. This isn’t a freshman's dream, like getting a 4.0 or finding a spouse at Penn. You can’t just give up at the beginning.

January 15, 11:56am: Open up Facebook. The “Textbook Exchange” group is already buzzing with overeagerness like an early–morning flea market. “Clicker $30"; "Is anyone selling ECON001?”; “If anyone is looking for a summer or fall sublet, I am renting a room for $450 a month!”

January 15, 11:58am: I get a few hits for my textbook and immediately message the merchants.

January 15, 2:00am: A couple turn out to be duds. Finally a hit. “Hey man! selling for $60.” Metaphorical tears of joy.

Great House at 40th & Baltimore Avenue!

January 15, 2:06am: “It’s the 8th edition is that okay?” That’s when the magnitude of the reissue problem dawns on me.

4 Bedrooms. Pet friendly. Available for 2015-2016 School Year.

January 15, 2:09pm: Pennbookbazaar only leads to more sadness. More metaphorical tears, but this time, of sadness.

Call us today. We’d love to help you find a great place.

January 15, 2:10pm: Sulk in my bed.

January 15, 7:00pm: Finally leave my bed to try to get to VP.

www.apartmentsatpenn.com

215.222.0222

At Penn, At Home.

J A N U A R Y 2 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

LOWBROW

DEAR DIARY, LOVE LEONARD Dear Diary: January 18

Sammy called today. I was so excited. He asked if I was coming by the house that night and then said we were having dinner. DINNER. I know, it's so exciting. Sammy is the coolest guy. I will tell you how it goes tomorrow.

Dear Diary: January 18

I am just so excited, I can’t sleep! Sammy wanted me to meet all his friends and they are all so nice. Sammy wasn’t supposed to tell me, but we are hanging out tomorrow too. We're going to a club. I have never been to one before!!!! I hope I can dance well, but I get so nervous. Should I iron my jeans? I just don’t want to look like a jabroni. Sammy is a junior and I'm just a freshman. I bet he's been to tons of clubs.

Dear Diary: January 20

So much has happened. Me and Sammy are going to NEW YORK. We are even staying overnight. This is huge. I literally can’t even breathe when thinking about how much fun we're going to have. This is going to be the best weekend ever.

Dear Diary: January 24

Sammy is getting distant. I knew I should've ironed my jeans. WHAT CAN I DO?! I texted Sammy twice yesterday and he never said anything back. I'm losing my mind.

Dear Diary: January 26

My life is darkness. I didn’t get the bid. I’ll never be a brother now. I guess Sammy just wanted 17 other men more than me. Thanks for listening, Diary. Rush is hard.

University City Housing 3418 Sansom Street PHILADELPHIA, PA 19104

walk to penn's and Drexel's Campuses

Hamilton Court One, two, three, four & five

bedroom apartments

Utilities, cable & high-speed internet INCLUDED Furnished Apartments Available

off-CAMPUS

APARTMENTS

Studio through four bedroom apartments close to restaurants, shops, and public transportation

Vintage Character and Unique Layouts Hardwood floors Available

Universitycityhousing.com 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 2 , 2 01 5

Phone: 215-222-2000

TOP TEAR FRATS. LIST EM. GO. Sometimes even bros get sad.

Chi Rho Upsilon: Hasn’t had a party in four years. They had a party once, but no one came and the potato salad got cold.

Sigma Alpha Delta: After taking several gluten–free members, this somber fraternity no longer serves beer.

Sigma Upsilon Xi: During mixers all the girls just talk to Steve.

Steve’s girlfriend left him two months ago and he’s been really depressed lately. Some girls find broken sexy, but Steve isn’t sexy. He’s just broken.

Delta Iota Kappa: Snuggles, the frat dog, has lung cancer (probably from all those cigar nights). They can’t do anything for him. All frat dogs go to heaven, right?

Sigma Tau Delta: During rush there were five Bens. Loved two, hated three. Took the wrong Bens.

Omega Mu Gamma Sometimes it's hard being a bro, especially when your house burned down.

This section is as fake as that girl Skeeter totally got with last night.

Lowbrow's Guide to

LOWBROW

OPEN RUSH MENUS When Your Rush Chair Fucks Up

Phi Epsilon Beta Chipotle (sofritas only, guac is extra), Doritos flavored Mountain Dew

Even when your frat gets in a ton of trouble, you still get to do rush. But wouldn't it just be easier to not take a photo that dehumanizes an entire race? We got you covered

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Before posting any photo, ask yourself, “Is this racist?” You're rocking a gold chain? Fine. You go to a fancy college; your dad probably works somewhere nice. You're pretending to be 2 Chainz? Pushing it… You're dressed up as a prisoner in a chain gang in this mass incarceration state?

It'll go over most people’s heads, but pray that you aren’t insta–friends with someone who took a sociology class at any point.

Okay, so it's def not racist. You may have even checked with your one black friend just to be sure; now it’s super not racist. But is it sexist? Or whatever "misogynist" means…your ex–girlfriend sure calls you that a lot, and it just sounds kind of bad, doesn’t it? Ask, “Would it be cool if some one did whatever you're doing to your grandma? Would she be cool with someone grabbing her ass?" Well, Papaps sure wouldn’t be. G–ma was a nurse in the Korean Police Action. I'm sure she's seen some shit, but you know she probably can’t even fathom the kinds of nasty–ass things you're thinking about.

The G–ma thing didn’t work? It was hard to think about a 70–year–old woman with a dick drawn on her tits, that’s a given. How about you just imagine women as people and equals? Sorry, that's far too hard, this is for frats. Imagine that the girl is your buddy, Skeeter. But instead of Skeeter getting $10,000 for that summer internship at Barclays, he only got about $8,000 and people keep telling him to smile for some reason. It’s like they don’t even know he lost a tooth after doing that keg stand.

Gamma Iota Lambda Wishbone fried giblets Alpha Pi Psi Just raisins Chi Theta Delta Hand beans (we forgot spoons) Tau Alpha Kappa Melon–flavored hookah pens Zeta Mu Phi Shaved ice (flavorless) Iota Lambda Chi Sugar–free, gluten–free Nu Upsilon Goldfish (crackers) Old Upsilon Goldfish (fish)

WONDERFUL

HOUSE

AVAILABLE!

2015-2016 school year 3 Bedrooms Washer/Dryer on site Spacious closets

If you must objectify women, that woman with the song about feminism is not a good choice. Just a note.

115 S. 42nd Street

Pet Friendly Thousands of perverts across the country collectively moaned as their Google search for “blow up doll frat” sent them to a picture of you and your boys. Think of the perverts. They will be you in fifteen–ish years.

Don’t publish anything with words that perverts might be searching. For example: donkey penis, naughty grandma and Kylie Jenner’s hands are all off limits.

At Penn, At Home | apartmentsatpenn.com | 215.222.0222 J A N U A R Y 2 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

B AC K PAG E

AWKWARD

"A rush didn't recognize me at first because I "looked so different with less makeup on." Subtle."

"I was talking to a girl during rush who asked about my broken arm.

Turns out her brother fell on me and broke it. Expect the medical bills."

"A brother offered to help me get a bid if I hooked up with him."

"I once spent the entire time talking to a girl who only knew the word 'yes'. She didn't know any other English phrases."

"One [rush] told me she had a pet iguana and that she hated her roommate because she wanted the lights off by 8:30pm every night for her iguana, but her roommate in Hill wouldn't let her turn the lights off.

Rush Conversations: (Dis)Approved

"I spoke to a guy who was convinced that every virus ever had been made by the government, dating back to the bubonic plague. I asked him if they even had labs then.

He assured me they did."

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"I chatted with a senior in Tridelt about vacation getaway spots. It was fifteen minutes of island name dropping."

"I asked a rush the most impressive thing about him and he told me could eat forty figs in ten minutes. "

Ridiculous

EMBARRASSING

"A freshman enlightened me on what panda porn was and all the reproductive issues of pandas, who apparently need help getting off."