02.11.2016

February 11–17, 2016 34st.com

IS LO VE

THE POLITICS OF POLYAMORY

SU

E

game over.

february 11

PAG E T WO

2016

LOL

This is the Love Issue and Valentine’s Day is this weekend so I’m probably supposed to write to you about love. Or sex. But probably mostly love.

Except that I don’t want to write to you about love. I don’t have anything new or remarkable to say about it. I’ve never had a great love story. Yes, I’ve said the words to someone before, but I’m not even sure if I’ve ever been in love at all. And last time someone told me that they loved me I told them that they didn’t.

That was fun.

So I’m not going to write to you about love, be it mine or anybody else’s. Instead I’m going to write to you about being happy. Because, contrary to popular belief, you do not need love or a Valentine to be happy. Maybe all you need are some high tech dildos (p. 15 ), some pornographic mac and cheese (p. 8) or the original rom com (p. 12). Or maybe you need your friends, or your mom or your cat. Or maybe you need your boyfriend because that’s totally fine, too. I don’t care what it is that makes you happy, as long as there’s something that does. And as long as you know that it doesn’t have to be love. Because it probably isn’t, and that’s so okay.

So do the things that make you happy this weekend, and maybe don’t booty call your hookup on Sunday. Just a thought.

3 HIGHBROW

love overheards, v-day plans decoded, overheards, round up

4 WORD ON THE STREET

finding the "I" in love

5 EGO

blind dates, eotw: chantal law

LOL

LOL

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

7 VICE & VIRTUE

open letter to boys who bite, waxing dispatch, food boy

10 FEATURE

With love,

open relationships

12 FILM & TV LOL

LOL

LOL

when harry met sally..., bad movie dates

14 TECH

sex life apps, kink shoppe, nudes on locust

17 ARTS

mural hearts, PMA blurbs as tinder bios

19 LOWBROW LOL

v-day sex tips, find your valentine on tinder, lovebrow's gift guide

MOSES SUPPOSES HIS TOESES ARE ROSES BUT MOSES SUPPOSES ERRONIOUSLY. HELP MOSES FIGURE HIS SHIT OUT TONIGHT AT OUR WRITERS MEETING @ 6:30 P.M., 4015 'NUT.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Conjugal Visit Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, An Old Managing Editot ;) Giulia Imholte, Just Gooey Things Jeffrey Yang, Finding Out What Mono Is Remi Lederman, NME Corey Fader, Pizza Dani Blum, Sizzurp Orly Greenberg, Twirling Her Hair Mark Paraskevas, DP Biz Steph Barron, Turning on Her Light–Up Shoes Emily Hason, Phone Sex With Her Dog Julie Levitan, Writing Erotica Brandon Slotkin, Walking G&T Rachel Rubin, Bloomin' Genny Hagedorn, Playing "Bound 2" on Repeat Keara Jenkins, To Have Boyz Enjoy her Kisses a Lil Too Much Elena Modesti, Gettin' Dirty with Cheese Genevieve Glatsky, Ego Strokin' 2

Melissa Curley, Drunk Watering Her Succulent Sydney Hard, Fucking to Bite Songs Talia Sterman, Israel Johanna Matt-Navarro, Garbanzo beans Madison Bell-Rosof, Geology Syra Ortiz-Blanes, WillCaf Shit Nick Joyner, Touching Himself to MCR Emily Schwartz, Rocking Black, Shining Gold Zoe Albano-Oritt, Yeet Hannah Noyes, Tinder Dina Zaret, Gettin' Down with Mac Chloe Shakin, Bathing in Hot Chocolate Twice a Day for "Religious Reasons" Jackie Lawyer, Dickin' (Before The Egg) Jack Cody, Parting his hair Nadia Kim, Spending Time With Her Ficus, Helen Sofie Praestgaard,Waiting for Chipotle to Text Back

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Alex Fisher, Sending High Res Nudes From NH Katie Dumke, Smoking Weed Isabel Zapata, Pursuing Her Passions

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Katie Dumke, Isabel Zapata, Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, and Julie Chu Cheong.

Sara Thalheimer, Searching for Slovers Elana Waldstein, Being Woke Sola Park, Grammarin' Chloe Cheng, Being Friends with All the Cats Blake Brashear, Covering Herself in Dim Sum Rhea Aurora, Living Her Best Life

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at johns@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

Sweethearts: Frank Augello, Caroline Harris, Mike Coyne, Hallie Brookman, Olivia Fitzpatrick, Jillian Karande

"Wait, how old are you when you're eleven?"

Starbucks Lovers: Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, Julie Chu Cheong Contributors: Steffi Maiman, Gwen Eastaugh, Adelaide Powell, Alessandro Consuelos

www.34st.com

©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

VALENTINE'S DAY: YOUR COUPLE PLANS DECODED

over heard PENN at

Candid statistics professor: A lot of you don't know this about me, but I grew up with cocaine.

A breakdown of students' Valentine's Day plans, one quasi–relationship at a time.

THE "JUST STARTED TALKING" COUPLE Where to find them: At their respective residences commiserating with other single friends.

Takeaway: More often than not, one person is more into their ambiguous, texting tango than the other one is. He or she probably made some sly references about Valentine’s Day the week before, which the other party purposefully chose to ignore. The two will resume contact on Monday and pretend like the day before didn't happen.

THE NETFLIX AND CHILL COUPLE

THE NEW COUPLE Where to find them: A dimly lit hole–in–the–wall restaurant that they settled for after not getting reservations at Serafina/ other moderately–priced establishment students deem “fancy.”

Takeaway: Your relationship is still in the honeymoon phase so you bask in your love and annoy all those cynical singles around you. The only time you’re not exhibiting PDA is when you’re picking a filter for the couple pic you took at Rittenhouse. Oh, to be young and in love and in need of validation.

THE OLD COUPLE

Where to find them: In either one's bed the morning of after one of their bi-weekly bangs. One of them is about to embark on the usual walk of shame route home.

Where to find them: On the couch of select significant other's apartment eating a shittier version of the fried banana fritters recipe they saw on Facebook.

Takeaway: Seeing as your whole relationship is built around sex, it's already understood that you two make no mention of Valentine's Day, nor do you make plans with each other. Later, one of you will be sobbing over a pint of ice cream wondering what your character flaws are that make this person not want to date you. Your fuck buddy will be off somewhere paying you no mind and probably playing FIFA.

Takeaway: While you both may be 21, you act like a jaded and worn 70–year–old couple. You've been together for so long that you mutually opted for a low–key Valentine's Day filled with food and flicks. And wine. Like a lot of wine.

THEROUNDUP Whether you’re painfully single or a star–crossed lover, you can always count on Highbrow to be your Valentine. Consider us your secret admirer, your anonymous source delivering you tidbits of (tough) love every week. Roses are red, violets are blue. Just be thankful that in the Round Up, we never say who.

While you were in NOLA partying with the locals, the real Mardi Gr–Oz festivities were popping off here.

Highbrow hears St. A’s invited their alums back for the boozy bash, which resulted in one very drunk, forty– something grad passing out in a sophomore’s bed.

The A’s brother repeatedly tried to wake the stranger but to no avail. In his few moments of semi–consciousness, the married man attempted to text his wife back, who was allegedly blowing up his phone, but ended up forgetting his pass–code and locking himself out of his device instead. Remember kids, old habits die hard, but there should be limits on reliving your glory dAys.

Speaking of unwanted guests, one off–campus house was victim of breaking and entering this past weekend.

An inebriated intruder found his way into a house of SDT girls and ransacked their kitchen before wandering drunkenly around the house. Once one girl realized the man wasn’t simply a very confused hookup of her roommates, she promptly called the police. What did the rando have to say for himself? He was simply looking for his “homies” in the basement. When the cops arrived, they found the suspect loitering around the corner, arrested him and confiscated the girls' Grape Nuts as evidence. Our con man may have robbed the girls of their snacks, but it’s safe to say he didn’t totally steal the show.

Here’s to a weekend of broken doors and broken floors. During a party at Kappa Sig, two SK girls were dancing on top of a couch when they lost their balance and fell into what Highbrows hears was a pre– existing hole in the frat’s floor (I mean we knew frat houses were shitty, but this seems like a real (col)lapse in judgment). The drunken duo, unfazed by their scene of public clumsiness, regained their position on the elevated surface and Kapp–ed off the night with more

Frat $tar (who doesn't know what Ash Wednesday is): I keep seeing all these girls with black Ts on their head, is that a Tabard thing?

Orthodox Jew at Gourmet Grocer: Thank Hashem! They have what I wanted.

Perseverant girl in College Hall: I've been hit by a bus, tear gassed and mugged three times.

Undercover Indian Prince: I once dropped 14,000 rupees on a shot of tequila in Mumbai.

Thats like $250, but I did it anyway because I was so drunk.

dancing. Despite the fall, we hope their egos weren't too bruised.

Talk about necessary repairs. At the same party, another SK pair tried to seal a Kappa Sig bathroom shut with duct tape and panty liners. Highbrow isn’t totally sure what sparked the inception of this pad idea, but next time we suggest using a more ris(K) form of adhesive.

But seriously, what the shell? At a Phi and Chi–O BYO at Ken’s, one dePhi–ant pledge had his heart set on stealing a lobster from one of the restaurant’s tanks.

After a close claw with the owner, the guy swiped the lobster and proceeded to paint the town red. We hear the lobster made an appearance at the SDT bid night party before eventually ending the night at Hill. Unsure how to dispose of their aquatic acquaintance, the pledges decided to toss it off the 5th floor of the dorm.

We’re sad to report the little guy won’t live to sea another day.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

WOTS LOVE WEEK:

FINDING THE "I " IN LOVE FRANK AUGELLO

It took me all of seventh grade to figure out how I felt about Darren. He was effortlessly charming and one of the most popular kids in the grade. I was popular to a degree, but my associations with the cool crowd were mostly vestiges of closer friendships from elementary school, which faded through the years. I initially admired Darren in a way that seemed like envy; I wanted to be him. Or so I thought.

Before long, the feelings evolved into wanting to spend more time with him, in a completely platonic, early–teenage way. Then I realized I wanted to kiss him. Cue the stomach–dropping thought of, “Oh shit, I’m gay.” Darren was the first boy I had a crush on, and the first in a developing pattern of completely unattainable crushes.

My coming out process wasn’t what I'd hoped for, but it wasn’t a disaster, either. I didn’t get kicked out of the house or disowned when I told my religious parents, but there was also none of the satisfaction I imagine other parents feel after finally being told. The tears shed that day weren’t out of pride or happiness or love, but out of mourning for the son my parents thought they had. That was two years ago, and contrary to that ubiquitous and somewhat infuriating phrase surrounding the LGBT community, it hasn’t gotten better. I used to think that in order for my parents to come around and start accepting my sexuality, I needed to bring home a guy that they liked and who they could see really cared about me. Easier said than done.

I've tried, and consistently failed, to forge serious relationships. The common denominator with all of the guys I've had feelings for was their complete unattainability. They were either in relationships, emotionally unavailable, clearly not interested in me or any combination thereof. It wasn’t until earlier this academic year after I started attending weekly therapy sessions at CAPS that I realized why I was so attracted to guys with whom I had no chance. Throughout

last semester, my therapist and I were able to uncover some insightful truths. First, being gay in a heteronormative world is no doubt difficult, and the hardest part for me is how gay men are often emasculated by the rest of society. While Penn is extremely gay–friendly, there is still the occasional overheard “no homo” or use of the word “gay” as a synonym for lame or feminine. To compensate, I asserted my masculinity in other ways, namely suppressing my feelings for being too feminine or irrational. Over time, I started to adopt these negative feelings about myself, rendering me acutely susceptible to putting too much credence in the thoughts of others. A prime example of this is how I lost my virginity when I knew I wasn’t ready because I no longer wanted to have other people know I was a virgin. I let others’ perceptions of me dictate my actions because I didn’t feel enough self–worth to act how I wanted. Finally, I was always hung up on unattainable guys because the inevitable rejection was familiar and strangely comfortable due to how I constantly rejected my own needs.

Putting my faith in guys I could never be with was the easy way out; I wouldn’t have to confront my suppressed feelings or low self–esteem because those relationships were going nowhere.

When more available guys expressed interest in me, I’d push them away because I was afraid of combatting the years of damage, both self–inflicted and not, to my self–esteem.

Once I pinpointed the root of the problem, I started to battle my demons. In order to move past these stubbornly ingrained self–esteem is-

THE COMMON DENOMINATOR OF ALL THE GUYS I WENT FOR WAS THEIR COMPLETE UNATTAINIABILITY.

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Realizing why I didn't love myself helped me learn how to do so.

sues, I had to show myself the patience, compassion and understanding that are so imperative for successful relationships. It isn’t easy, this burgeoning relationship with myself, but once I stopped dismissing my feelings as not masculine enough, I was no longer a victim to them. Because I was beginning to abandon the self–doubt and negative energy by simply being kinder to myself, I was more equipped to start listening to my own voice and satisfy my own needs over those of others. I learned that the most important relationship in life is the one I have with myself. If I can’t make myself happy, how can I expect anyone else to? How can I show someone true and unequivocal empathy and affection if I can’t show it to myself?

I always imagined spending Valentine’s Day making sure the guy I’m with knows how much he’s loved. I’d make his favorite food for dinner.

I’d go over how his week’s been, highlighting the good and finding silver linings in the bad.

I’d tell him that to me, he’s perfect and that I’m so proud of him for trying his hardest to be a better person every day and for facing life with a smile despite all he’s been through. This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to do all that for the guy I love the most: myself.

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: CHANTAL LOW

She may be engaged, but she still wants to go to date nights, so someone man up and ask this former Israeli soldier to your formal.

Street: How did you and your fiancé meet?

Chantal Low: Random story.

A family friend sat next to his parents on an airplane and decided it would be a good idea to set us up. Actually our first date was at Saxby's before it got a facelift. I don’t know at what point on a plane people decide they should set up people. I didn't meet him until he was at Penn because he was in a singing group on campus so he came up for a reunion.

Street: How old are you?

CL: I’m 22. I took a gap year to be a soldier in the Israeli army.

Street: What made you want to volunteer?

CL: Well, I always had a knack for Israeli politics and the Middle East and I figured there was no other way to learn about it than firsthand.

Street: What part of the army were you in?

CL: So I was a Commander of Foreign Relations to Jordan.

Street: What was the training like?

CL: I did the regular basic training that all girls have to do.

I passed the test so I didn’t have to do the intensive language immersion program. But after that I was denied access to get into this program. But they granted me permission to be on the base and I cleaned toilets and did busy work for two months to fight my way to be able to do this force and then to go on and work as a commander that worked firsthand with our Jordanian counterparts.

Street: Was it a hard transition from the army to Penn?

CL: It was totally different. I landed the weekend of NSO freshman year and I didn’t have

anything together. You learn a lot about yourself because you have to remember that you’re in a uniform and you have to find ways to have your individuality show. Then you come here and you can wake up whenever you want and eat whatever you want.

Street: So how do you think having a long distance boyfriend changed your Penn experience?

CL: Well I have had other long distance relationships throughout my time at Penn, so this wasn’t my first. I always wanted a boyfriend at Penn but it didn’t work out for me (Ed note: What is wrong with boys?). I think it would have been a lot of fun to be on campus and study together and go on date nights instead of planning when we would see each other next. But I also think it gave me a chance to focus on my studies and be with my friends.

Street: How did he propose to you?

CL: I don’t want to bore you with that story. Basically he surprised my over break, and I really had no idea. So he came to Israel and it was great. He sang, he has a really good voice. And there were flower petals. The rest of it is a blur. All I know is I came back to Penn and was like “Oh my god this is crazy.”

Street: Has being engaged changed your experience at Penn?

CL: I think the better question is: “How does it feel to be engaged when you’re in a sorority?” Because I literally had to convince everyone that it was not a shotgun wedding.

That’s what everyone’s initial response was. But my friends were really cute, they’ve been

so nice and supportive. At first I was worried because I didn’t really know anybody else in the same position. But I worry that things will be worse than they actually are, and they end up being totally fine.

Street: Has being engaged changed anything for you socially?

CL: My friends talk about it and think about it more than I do. It's not like I'm seeing him any more or any less than I was before. My friends keep reminding me, “When are you doing this,” and, “When are you doing that,” and then I’ll remember that that’s something I actually have to do.

Street: Was it weird being in a long distance relationship when there is such a strong hookup culture at Penn?

CL: I think as a bystander when you're seeing this whole hookup culture and you see this girl just got engaged it can be a little confusing. I was always a little more mature coming from army and coming from a modern Orthodox Jewish family, so it wasn't really part of my culture.

But I still like to go out and have fun, it's not like I'm above it. I think people would assume that I would judge them for what they do, but not at all.

Street: So you never felt like you were missing out?

CL: Definitely not missing out. The only thing I really feel like I'm missing out on now is I feel like I'm not going to get invited to date nights anymore. No one's going to invite someone who's engaged to date nights. I'm really sad about it.

people would be standoffish, but my friends have totally embraced it.

Street: Do you think it’s hard to be in a relationship in general at Penn?

CL: Yeah, I mean I don’t know what message I sent to people that made them not want to date me. You look at your guy friends and they are awesome, so I don’t know what the deal is. I think a lot of people are so focused on the here and now and not on the future.

Street: What's the best date you've ever been on?

CL: Once we went to a kosher vineyard at Stanford. We got two bottles of wine, we drank one that day. And then after the proposal he actually brought out the second bottle of wine a year later.

Street: What is your biggest guilty pleasure?

CL: Watching Real Housewives.

I also eat chocolate three times a day.

Street: What was your first AIM name: CL: Chocoariella8910 Street: In all, how has wedding planning been?

CL: I want to write a how–to book: How To Be in College and Be Engaged For Dummies, because it doesn’t exist. When I went to the wedding dress store they asked me what shade I wanted and I said black. But my friends said I couldn’t do that. But at the end of the day a wedding is just one day.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Name: Chantal Hometown: Manhattan Major: Nursing Minor: Health Care Management Activities: Community Champions, TriDelt, Nightingales, PIPAC, CHOP Relationship Status: Engaged

Street: If you were going to be famous for one thing, what would it be?

CL: My puns. I’m a huge pun person. My Instagram is LowMainttenance. Or the fact that I get an udon noodle salad with no noodles and extra chicken at HipCityVeg every other day.

Street: How do other people react to your upbringing?

CL: One would think that F E B R U A R Y 1 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

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THREE BLIND DATES EGO

*

JO: Distrito.

Street: The food?

JO: The food was really good.

JH: It was good. I don't remember the name of my dish.

It was a nice vegetarian option.

We had chips and guac to start with, which was great.

Street: The conversation?

JO: I was expecting it to be awkward, and there were little awkward moments but overall it was fine. Good conversation.

JH: It was good. Pretty basic getting to know one another type things.

In the romantic life of young adults, blind dates are considered especially heinous. At Street, we set up an elite squad of three couples. These are their stories.

*the third one is on 34st.com

DATE #1: JULIAN OVIEDO & JOHN HOLMES Street: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

Julian Oviedo: Tall is a big thing. One of my big things is humor. They have to have that. For me humor is maybe more important than for other people.

John Holmes: Someone who

is cool and not lame. Someone who first thinks I'm funny and second is also funny.

Street: First impressions?

JO: I looked him up before.

I didn't know him personally but I've seen him on campus.

I thought he was cute and nice.

JH: Well via Facebook I would say impressed that his profile picture and my cover photo have similar aesthetics. So that was a good first impression.

And in person he was super nice. In between those there was the first text impression. I suggested we go ice–skating, and he was like, "Oh, I don't ice skate." Which was a pretty big red flag, to be honest. Because nobody ice skates, you just go and you do it, unless you're like a figure skater. You just learn it

and figure it out. So it was good and then ehh but then he made up for it.

Street: The place?

Street: Would you go out again?

JH: I would say if it's ice–skating, definitely. Otherwise probably still yes.

DATE #2 MAX SLOSBURG AND LUCY HACKNEY Street: First impressions?

Lucy Hackney: He was standing across from me. I was sitting because I had been there for a while doing homework. So then he texted me, 'Hey, I’m here.' So then I was like, 'Shit.' Do I look up? Do I look around?

Max Slosburg: So I stalked her on Facebook first. Not like actually stalked, but like typed in ‘Lucy’ to see who it could be and see who I had mutual friends with. So I figured out who it was going to be just so when I got there we weren’t just standing around not interacting. So I got there and I didn’t realize it was her. So I texted her when I got there. I was like, 'Hey, I’m here.' She was like, 'Me too.'

And then we made eye contact.

I don’t know if I’d say love at first sight, but pretty close.

Street: The place?

LH: HubBub. Street: The service?

MS: It took a while to get my chai latte. I’d say I was waiting upwards of four minutes.

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Street: The food?

LH: I had a bagel. It was delicious. Great bagel.

MS: After we realized it was 6:30 p.m. at this point, we were like, 'Oh, it’s dinner time.' So we went to the halal cart across from HubBub. Street: The conversation?

LH: It was great. We were there for like two hours, which was nice.

MS: So it started out just basic NSO conversation type stuff.

We talked about her fascination with the world ‘lit’. And then my similar fascination with the word ‘bonkers’. And the difference between the two words.

That took a while. We talked about our mutual friends, we talked about why we were there, we talked about our plans for the future, how many kids we wanted. We had marriage plans.

This was real.

Street: Would you go out again?

LH: Sure. Wouldn’t say no.

MS: In a heartbeat.

Street: Anything we forgot to ask?

MS: One thing we talked about was how the ‘blind date’ situation isn’t something that someone would encounter at our age. Just because you wouldn’t go on a date with someone that you d o n’t know at all. But it was fun to meet someo n e new, in this case, make a new friend.

But it’s interesting because in a few years this is what a lot of dates will be like.

VICE & VIRTUE

DISPATCH: V&V V–day V–prep 4:48 I get in the Uber. Paul, my driver, asks, "European Wax Center?

What's that? Never heard of it." "Like eyebrow waxes and stuff," I respond offhandedly. "Oh I gotcha, so you getting an eyebrow wax?" "...Yep...!"

BIKINI WAX

I took a break after class to go against millennia of finely tuned human evolution and get the hair waxed off of my vagina, since for some reason looking pre–pubescent is in right now. I recorded the experience so others can make informed decisions and/or get a glimpse into the fun and flirty life of the modern female.

5:09 It's my second wax in a row, so I'm hoping it won't hurt as much as the first one. She spreads the hot wax on my bikini line and I'm officially committed. She promises it'll be easier since I recently had one.The wax has cooled and she rips it off. "See it doesn't hurt as much does it?" I grimace and she laughs, "okay so still a bit." Yeah, just a bit.

5:02 As we get further down Chestnut, I can feel myself getting jumpy and butterflies are fluttering in stomach.

5:12 It's definitely going better than last time. She tells me to breathe as she pulls the hair out of my vag in the more sensitive spots, so it's almost like a new extreme yoga.

5:14 We've been chatting, having a great convo while she continues to layer hot wax on different sections of my lady parts. Her sister is pregnant! Rip. But neither her nor I want to have kids for a while. Rip. I tell her about the Uber driver. Rip.

5:04 I walk in and give my name, "Okay you're all checked in."

5:17 Just the finishing touches now! I barely notice the last few tweezes because at this point I'm hovering somewhere between numb and on fire. "Okay now hold your knees to your chest. Oh wait no it's just a full." "Yeah I'm gonna pass on the butt strip today, hopefully nobody's seeing my asshole in the near future."

5:05 Jess calls my name and I follow her back to the second door on the right.

5:18 I walk out and pay, with a good tip for the nice girl who just stared into my crotch more than anyone should ever have to.

There's a girl in the lobby I recognize and make eye contact with. I assume she goes to Penn, but have absolutely no idea who she is or how I know her. We smile and wave in solidarity with a hint of mild shame. It was an honest acknowledgement that yes, we both, like women of the yore and generations to come, have hair down there. Even Beyoncé.

5:07 You know how in the doctor's office they leave and give you a sheet to cover yourself with so there's some semblance of privacy?

Yeah none of that here. I walk in, take off my pants and thong, and apologize for my ugly socks in an attempt to make casual conversation.

"It's laundry day."

Illustration by Nadia Kim

FOOD BOY: CARMELIZED BANANAS

Get your daily dose of potASSium.

If you’re looking to swipe that V–card on V–Day or just need a little aid to get laid, Street has you covered (in sweat and/or whipped cream). (Dick)–Picture this: you’re out in Center City on a date with that hottie you may or may not have DFMOed with at Smokes’ last week. You two already spent about five weeks of your budget, and the dessert items will blow another week’s worth. With this recipe, you can titty–llatingly suggest going back to your place for a lil (or big) somethin' sweet. Good for saving money and getting that hottie back to your crib. Also, need I point out this dessert's suggestive shape?

Don't know about you—or your date—but we certainly can't wait to get these glistening bananas in our mouths.

Check out the full recipe at www.34st.com

FRANK AUGELLO

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WE’RE BRINGING SEXY MAC VICE & VIRTUE

Fifty Shades Meets Seven Cheeses Krystal and Angel hurried down 33rd Street towards Arch Street, excited yet fearful for what was about to come. They were by no means inexperienced in this realm, but they knew they were walking into uncharted territory. The glistening pink truck began to appear above the horizon. As it grew closer, it signaled the imminent loss of innocence they were

DINA ZARET & ELENA MODESTI

Angel: It’s so warm, comforting and soft inside me.

Krystal: I want that salty creaminess all over my face and in my mouth.

The first time couldn’t be more perfect. They felt no pain. No regrets. Just love. After licking up the remains of the first round, they were feeling more ad-

mac.

Angel: It’s so spicy and hot—I can feel it running down my throat.

destined to experience together.

Everyone remembers their first threesome. For some, it’s drunk post prom in the basement of the popular girl’s house with your crush and your crush’s crush.

For others, it’s drunk post graffiti in the basement of castle with two Europeans and one huge cultural barrier. Today was Krystal and Angel’s time. They may have been sober, but they were basically drunk off of the harmonic discord of the seven cheeses wafting away from the pink truck.

The anticipation had built up, both girls were almost sweating from excitement. They wanted to ease their way into the menage a trois, so they began with the classic seven cheese Mac dusted with parmesan panko crunch. This golden mound of perfection made them feel safe, even without protection. They knew there was more to cum, but every taste was mind–blowing. They couldn’t control themselves Krystal: Fuck, Angel.

8

venturous and both agreed they could go at least three more times.

Next up was Spinach Artichoke Mac with the familiar panko crusting that had led them to the promise land the first time through. It looked small at first, but it was a perfect fit. When it entered, their bodies felt warm and tingly.

Krystal: I want to call my mom and tell her.

Angel: *Starts singing* “I Just Had Mac” at the top of her lungs They closed their eyes the whole time, just allowing the third party to do its job.

This creamy spinach chunky artichoke dip made them addicts. Krystal and Angel wiped each other’s mouths, cleaned themselves up and were thirsting for more before they knew it. They could last all night.

To spice things up, they made moves on Jalapeño Pesto next.

Krystal: Oh my god. I love a foreign

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The girls mouths couldn’t quite fit it all in at once, and the three of them passionately fell onto the table together.

But no Mac was spared. Krystal and Angel were quick to swallow every last “nood.” It was a hot mess. They may have finished fast, but it was still life–altering. The quickie awakened the final bit of untapped hunger.

Barbecue Chicken entered the scene to finish them off right. The female orgasm was being redefined. Mac Mart may not ask for your number, but they’d still never leave you unsatisfied.

Krystal: Mmmm I love meat.

Angel: I'm so full, but I’m dreaming of the next time.

This BBQ chick came at them fast and hard, but this wasn’t their first rodeo. The BBQ kept them safe, even though they were still out of their comfort zone. Both wondered how they had ever lived without it. They were Mac sluts and they were proud. Slut–shaming was officially a thing of their past.

Angel: I’m honestly so glad I waited for the right moment. This couldn’t have been more perfect.

Krystal: It didn’t even hurt. I’m happy we did it with something we loved.

Angel: I finished, did you?

Krystal: Yeah, three times.

VICE & VIRTUE

AN OPEN LETTER TO BOYS WHO BITE Something to chew on...

DEAR NIBBLERS, NIPPERS AND ALL THOSE WHO BITE, One morning my sophomore year I woke up with a bruise on my boob. A large, unsightly blob, right there on my left tit. My initial reaction?

Well...this is concerning...

Let’s set the scene. I was hooking up with a boy after some mixer… I think… All I know is that he was dressed in something culturally appropriated #PCculture. Midway through our hook up, he bites my neck. Hmm... Seconds later, he bit my boob. Uh, okay, ouch?!

This is something I’ve experienced a few times now, the tendency to resort to teeth rather than lips as a mode of contact with my skin. Perhaps it’s a personal preference, but I think teeth should be constrained to a certain perimeter. There’s a time and place for a little love bite, sure, but dead center on my chest certainly isn’t one of them. Sue me.

This time, it was like all out war between teeth and body.

But did I say anything? No. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. I let him nip away, while the only things I bit back were my words.

Why did I refuse to correct this boy? In hindsight, I know I should have told him, for his own benefit and for future girls. But for some reason any complaint in the bedroom has become a taboo topic, at least between the people actually doing it. I talk about it all the time—maybe too much— with my friends, but we need to talk about it more with each other. That, my good people, is the purpose of this open letter.

Now, this is just my perspective. It’s happened to everyone, boy or girl. I’ve asked a lot of my friends about this.

Many of them really like it.

In fact, they love it. I mean, if you guys have talked about it, don’t let me stop you. Go for it. All bets are off. Prouda you.

If, like me, you find this hard to talk about, here are

SPEAKING OF TEETH, WHO THINKS THE TOOTH FAIRY IS BETTER THAN CUPID? CUPID DOESN'T LEAVE MONEY UNDER YOUR PILLOW. FUCK YOU, CUPID. #TOOTHFAIRYFORPRES2K16.

some guidelines.

GENERAL RULES OF THE BITING GAMES: 1. Stay away from biting boobs, that should be a given.

In my case, apparently not.

2. Less is more. In terms of teeth, that is.

3. Hickeys are a no. What the fuck are you, 11?

4. Start small, work your way up.

5. MOST IMPORTANTLY, TALK ABOUT IT. Seriously,

Illustration by Nadia Kim

so much shit happens and the worse thing you can do is NOT tell someone whether or not you like it. So please, for the sake of your soft, tender flesh and the biter's future hook ups, if it hurts, say something.

And those are my thoughts on the issue. I condone biting, just maybe reserved to the upper–fourth of my body.

PLEASE. I beg.

HERE ARE SOME SONGS, TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD: BITE: Troye Sivan Another One Bites the Dust: Queen Bite Down: Bastille Boundaries: Droptek Champion Nibble: Mr. Scurff Don’t: Ed Sheeran

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9

F E AT U R E

F E AT U R E

THINK BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS HARD? TRY BEING IN TWO AT ONCE.

by SYRA ORTIZ–BLANES

S

tacy and Robert are in love. She’s a sophomore in the College studying English; her boyfriend, Robert, goes to a nearby liberal arts college. They write poetry together, compose music together and they thrift shop around Philly together.

They’re a perfectly normal couple.

So are Robert and his other girlfriend, Alina. Stacy and Robert are in an open relationship—Alina is Robert’s second girlfriend.

Hookup culture. It’s a tired cliché, thrown around to describe Penn’s collective sex life. It epitomizes the Smokes’ DFMOs, late–night texts, the dating–app frenzy. We speak with a collective jargon: you’re together, you’re hooking up, you’re not hooking up, you’re a “thing.” There’s no space in mainstream conversations for alternative forms of relationships. Instead, the dialogue seems to center around the black and white spectrum of casual encounters and serious monogamous commitments—in reality, many relationships fall into a spectrum of grayscale choices. It’s never a monochromatic scheme.

Open relationships take many forms, but they all share one common denominator: two or more parties consent to being in a non–monogamous relationship. Essentially, either party is allowed to have physical or romantic relationships (or both) with other partners.

“Relationships take different forms and they’re as valid as people want them to be,” Stacy explains. And despite their validity, open relationships still seem to carry a certain stigma,

an ambiguous nature that confuses most.

Jason, a senior studying PPE, sits calmly at HubBub. He talks almost resignedly, retrospectively reminiscing on his open relationship. He notes that, “I wouldn’t tell people because others in my freshman hall were either hooking up or in serious relationships. There were so many ‘weird’ factors in my relationship—she was a senior in high school and a year younger. On top of that, we weren’t exclusive.”

Jason and his girlfriend’s relationship status played a large role in his silence. “It would’ve been too much [to explain].” Jason’s hesitance to disclose details about himself and his girlfriend demonstrates the paradoxical nature of open relationships: they carry a stigma in popular discourse, but require a deeper emotional commitment than a casual hook up dynamic.

P

enn students choose to have open relationships for various reasons, but the end goal is typically the same: to maintain an intimate, romantic relationship with one person, while still keeping physical options open. For Ricky, a sophomore in a long distance, on–and–off open relationship with a high school senior, open relationships aren’t about the need to have more sex.

“I don’t think that anyone is in an open relationship solely because they want to hook up with other people,” he says. “They are in open relationships because they want to maintain close and romantically involved with their significant others.”

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An open relationship doesn’t exist up with others, but I did it almost to solely as an excuse to be physical with compensate for the fact that he did not other people—sometimes, it’s simply want to commit.”

And while Stacy transitioned into the best way to keep a relationship an open relationship at her boyfriend’s alive.

Stacy’s relationship started off as behest, others jump in willingly. Most casual, since Robert had just come of the students interviewed entered an out of a long–term, monogamous re- open relationship to stay with their lationship. The couple met on Tinder, high school partners without missing although they knew about each other out on Penn’s hookup scene.

James, a sophomore studying Maththrough mutual friends, and hit it off ematical after RobEconomert visited OPEN RELATIONSHIPS ics, hadn’t her at Penn. considShortly afCARRY A STIGMA IN POPUered the ter, he met LAR DISCOURSE, BUT REpossibility Alina—his other girlQUIRE A DEEPER EMOTIONAL of being in an open friend, who COMMITMENT THAN A CAre l a t i o n had experiSUAL HOOK UP. ship until ence with he arrived non–monogamous relationships—and another to Penn. He dated his girlfriend exmale partner. It was then that he talked clusively throughout his senior year of high school, but when he graduto Stacy about polyamory.

“It was definitely hard,” she says. “I ated and she had another year of high read up about polyamory to become school left, the couple had “a long conmore informed. Overall it worked well versation about what we wanted.”

“People really like having no– because I didn’t know the other girl, but that also made it more challeng- strings–attached relationships, and ing.” Another challenge was that Rob- that’s a really common thing at Penn, ert’s other girlfriend went to the same any college campus, really;" it’s a staple college as he did, and so the pair spent of the “full college experience—which I wanted to have.” more time together.

“She was so far away and I was so For Maria, a junior in Wharton, her open relationship sprung from a far away,” he says. “We decided that stream of hookups. They cared about we would try to be open in the efforts each other, but her boyfriend wasn’t to make our long distance relationship fully ready to commit. She details her work. In the end, it did.” His girlfriend relationship matter of factly, wryly is now a freshman at Penn. They’re noting that, “it definitely manifested now exclusive.

Similarly, Ricky, a sophomore as a result of lack of commitment from the guy I was seeing.” Maria explains studying PPE, had dated his girlfriend that Penn’s casual hookup culture led exclusively before they decided to open her to, “[justify] his ambiguity with their relationship when he arrived to my ‘need for sexual liberation.’ In ret- Penn as a freshman. He had wanted rospect, I probably didn’t want to hook to maintain their relationship, but he

"

also desired “the college experience.”

But while James told the other girls he hooked up with that he was in a relationship, Ricky kept that secret.

“It would have been weird,” he says. Besides, “I didn’t hook up with them more than a few times...it was just casual.”

O

pen relationships, unlike the constant search for casual sex, allow people to be emotionally and physically fulfilled.

However, that doesn’t mean they come without strains.

“Hooking up with other people can create a huge rift,” Ricky says.

“Being with other people can create emotional distance if you do not put

as much effort and communication as you should in the relationship.”

Jason’s trust vanished when he found a post about booty calls on his girlfriend’s Tumblr and realized that she was hooking up with other guys. Though he had known they were open, they had just spent an entire summer together back home, and she was now an hour away. It seemed, in his eyes, that the reason to be in an open relationship did not exist anymore.

Open relationships are often seen as superficial, based on the need for many sexual partners, rather than a strong emotional basis. But relationships aren’t limited to just monogamy, they can exist in many different forms—sometimes, they can exist with many different partners. Some of these relationships worked, and

others didn’t. In the end, they were, however, just that: relationships. *All names have been changed to protect anonymity.

Syra Ortiz–Blanes is a junior in the College studying History. She is an Arts Beat for Street.

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MOVIE DATES

SUCK

Like that time your dad walked in on you getting fingered to Finding Nemo.

FILM & TV

We’ve all been there. Sitting in the movie theater with your seventh–grade girlfriend with the arm bar down between your seats, watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World in silence. Complete silence. No one remembers their movie dates fondly. And we millennials, with our streaming and pirating, have only made it worse, adding the awkward opportunity to sit next to each other and try to pick out the ideal movie to not actually watch. From friskiness in the movie theater to glorious third–wheeling, we talked to the freshmen still very close to the horrors of high school to hear about their worst movie dates.

NICK JOYNER

THE PAINFULLY RELATABLE: Benner Rawley (C ’19) “I took this girl out to the movies in high school to see Grown Ups 2. Her interest in seeing that movie should have been a warning sign.

Unsurprisingly, we were the only two people in the theater. As I prepared to make my move, I put my arm around the back of her chair.

In that moment she reclined, trapping my arm. I let out a gasp of pain that went unnoticed. Several minutes went by with my arm in that posi-

Steak, Chicken, Shrimp & Grilled Vegetables

tion, then she turned to me and told me she had to go.

She got up and left, and I was left alone in that theater nursing my arm.”

Belle Carlson (C ’19): “The first date with my freshman–year boyfriend was a double date with his best friend. We had plans but no transportation, so the four of us piled into my mum's car to drive down. On the way down the hill, my boyfriend’s friend’s girlfriend’s parents

THE ROMANTIC: called and we listened to them yell at each other so my mum had to drive her home.

But my boyfriend's friend still wanted to see the movie, so she dropped the three of us off at the movie theatre. After, my boyfriend wanted to make out so we went to our high school's football field and his friend sat and waited for us in the bleachers.”

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Ha Tran (C’ 19) "I went to the movie theaters with a guy I was dating last year. We thought we were alone in the theater so we got a little handsy, but the guy

working the projector yelled at us to stop. We left."

Guess love isn’t dead after all.

Responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.

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FILM & TV

LOSING YOUR

"WHEN HARRY MET SALLY"

VIRGINITY

Three Street staffers react to the classic romantic comedy.

When Valentine’s Day rolls around each year, a slew of love–related movies make their way back onto TV and onto people’s “What to Watch” lists. Among these is When Harry Met Sally, a 1989 romantic comedy starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. The film is known to be a classic, as well as one of the first (and best) romantic comedies. We asked three Street writers who have never seen the movie to watch it and give us their thoughts on the characters’ contemplation of whether men and women can ever truly just be friends. Based on their responses, it seems that (at Penn, at least) the answer is usually no.

EMILY SCHWARTZ

GENNY HAGEDORN: “IT’S IMPERFECT BECAUSE WE ARE” Admittedly, I had a few tears streaming down my face when the credits started rolling. Harry’s declaration of love at the end of the movie is iconic, and I could tell that many rom–coms since have tried to recreate those, “I love you for inexplicable little reasons” type of scenes. And as cliché as it may seem, it really works. Maybe it feels more genuine because the two were friends for over a decade, or maybe it's because Billy Crystal’s character is ex-

actly that fast–talking, slightly neurotic guy who delivers the lines effortlessly.

Bottom line, I walked away with a mad case of the feels.

I thought the screenplay was really smart and brought up a lot of good discussions about love, dating and sex.

I feel like I have many of those same conversations with friends of mine.

Despite the cynicism underlying a lot of Harry and Sally’s conversations, I think the main message of the movie is

that love still cuts through all the fears and caveats that society feeds us about marriage and relationships. When it’s love, you can’t fight it, you can’t rationalize it. It’s imperfect because we are.

Reflecting on When Harry Met Sally has suddenly given me the urge to read some Shakespearean sonnets and write a love letter for the DP Valentine’s Day issue. If that isn’t a testament to how much I loved this movie, then I don’t know what is.

STEPH BARRON: “IDEALS ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE” The central question of When Harry Met Sally is whether or not it is possible to sustain a friendship between a man and woman, because, presumably, sexual tensions will eventually get in the way. We live within a microcosm of the world that Harry and Sally inhabit because Penn is far more gendered than

the rest of modern society. As a freshman, I was quickly indoctrinated with the premise that my social life in college would revolve around hookup culture, whether or not I chose to participate in the hookups themselves. I learned that, with few exceptions, the way to be socially relevant or even active was to join

either a Greek organization or a sports team, both of which are segregated by gender. As a result, socializing within these institutions often comes with romantic or at least sexual implications, and socializing outside of them is just plain difficult to do. Before college, there were a number of people who I considered close friends, and, despite the fact that I attended an all–girls school for nine years, only two of them were girls. At Penn, while I certainly know boys I might refer to as my “friends,” and while I would never admit this to them, I can’t say that I have many that have lasted beyond freshman year and remained totally platonic.

It seems as if, at Penn, these two ideals of a friendship between a man and a woman are mutually exclusive.

KEARA JENKINS: “PLATONIC STAGE SEEMED LONG” I loved this movie. It was definitely one of those great, classic movies where one leaves wondering, “How come I’ve never seen this before?”

Both Harry and Sally are likeable but quirky, weird in a way that makes them more human and relatable. I also enjoyed watching a great movie that I hadn’t seen before, because it oddly gave me a hope that there are more good movies out there than just the mediocre ones I find on Netflix. The line, “men and women can’t be friends” and its recurring theme throughout the movie makes When Harry Met Sally interesting, relatable and applicable to most people who have ever been friends with the opposite sex or been confused by that friendship. On the other hand, my roommate later pointed out to me that the “men and women can’t be friends” line is a reason why she dislikes the movie. She feels that the movie focuses on how men and women can’t be platonic. I’m not sure if that can be attributed to When Harry Met Sally, but she does make an interesting point.

While I really enjoyed the movie, the timespan of the platonic stage of Harry and Sally’s friendship seemed unrealistically long. Twelve years, really? I would reason that in under 12 years, Sally would have cried or some other situation would have occurred leading a pair of straight, opposite sex best friends to hook up.

F E B R U A R Y 1 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

FEEDING YOUR

TECH

MOJO UPGRADE

SEXUAL

Run out of fun ideas in the bedroom? It’s okay. Street still loves you, and Mojo Upgrade is here to cure your sexual stagnation using an interactive quiz to match up you and your partner’s sexual fantasies. Use this if you’re looking for something new to try that both you and your partner are into...or if you want to be acutely aware of things you did not know were sexual fetishes (bengay and knives, anyone?).

APP(ETITE) A selection of apps and websites to get your juices flowing.

MIKE COYNE

HOT TRUTH OR DARE

PLEASURE MACHINE

Remember when truth or dare used to get weirdly sexual? No? Just my friends? Well now, it’s blatantly sexual! Hot Truth or Dare presents you with suggestive questions or dares with different categories geared toward close couples, wild parties or ~very~ comfortable friendships. You might have to spend a few dollars to unlock every set of questions, but don’t you want to get sexy?

Too young to play the slots (like, the gambling kind)? Pleasure Machine is the same premise, but instead of triple sevens you’ll get a body part, an action and a number of seconds to perform said action on said body part. There’s the slight chance you’ll get a strange combination (fingers, kiss passionately, 80 seconds), but it’s more likely you’ll discover some novel pleasure spots.

That, or you'll discover you really like to kiss fingers passionately.

KINDU

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Did you already exhaust your Mojo Upgrade list? Damn, player. In that case, try Kindu. Similar to Mojo Upgrade, Kindu asks you to respond yes, no or maybe to a variety of bedroom suggestions, from role–playing scenarios to specific acts, and matches your responses with those of your partners. Different from Mojo Upgrade, you can also suggest things you want to try to your partner. Go on now, have some fun.

LICK THIS This app is basically exactly what the title sounds like. Lick This will whip that lazy tongue into shape just in time for V–Day by prompting you to complete a series of “tongue exercises" on a touch–screen device. Lick This might make you think twice about the cleanliness of your phone screen, but lick now and ask questions later, your partner will thank you.

KINK SHOPPE TECH

STREET GOES TO

Street has been looking to spice up our love lives, so the Tech sex–tion brainstormed, and we were curious—what’s up with those high–tech sex toys? Could one toy connected to your phone go where no other toy (or dick) has gone before?

On Sunday, we attempted to shake off our hangovers and headed down to 2nd and Market Streets in search of some new-age please. Greek Lady cheese fries in hand, we hopped out of the uber at Penn's Landing and wandered into Kink Shoppe, whose absentminded saleswoman had seemingling forgotten to flip the CLOSED sign to open.

The store was extremely well organized. Dildos and vibrators lined the walls, while the middle of the store was devoted to a large black structure with a ring attached to it (Ed. Note: we still don't know what this was for). On the back walls, there was a large assortment of whips, ropes and bondage gear.

But we weren't here for BDSM. We had heard of

vibrators that connected to apps before, but we weren’t really sure how they would work at all. We made a beeline for a friendly–looking saleswoman, and she eagerly introduced us to a couple of awesome, albeit pricey, options.

First up was We–Vibe.

We–Vibe has been making seriously cool sex toys for the last couple of years, but the We­–Vibe 4 Plus is easily the most popular. Designed to be worn during sex, this dual stimulation vibe can be used under clothes and for both same–sex or hetero couples. The We–Vibe 4 Plus stays in place really well, and is designed to be used with lube. The app is super user– friendly, and makes it easy to control the dual motors, adjusting vibration settings for intensity and frequency.

The coolest feature can be utilized by long­­–distance couples. The app pairs with a phone and has a feature to connect with your partner.

Thanks to We–Vibe 4 Plus, your boyfriend who goes to Dartmouth can control your

~vibes~ during Skype sex (Ed. Note: good, we needed Skype sex to be more weird than it already is).

We were also curious about the Minna Kegel Trainer vibrator. What are kegels, you may ask, and more importantly, am I doing them right?? The Minna takes the guesswork out of the entire thing. By inserting the air filled vibrator inside of you, you can track the strength of how hard your pelvic floor muscles are squeezing. The app is connected via Bluetooth, and has games that you can play with a set amount of time you’ll be squeezing. You can track your progress and show history. The only downfall of the app, lamented the saleswoman, was that you can’t compare your kegel stats online with friends, à la Fitbit.

The third app–enabled vibrator we looked at was called Blue Motion. This vibrator is designed to be worn with a pair of panties that come with itd evice also has a very cool voice responsive mode; speak into the vibrator

and your voice will be translated into vibration. Pro tip: the device works with any underwear. Don't fall for the miniature pair that comes included.

In case the instructions are too complicated for you or you really just want to maximize your device, Kink Shoppe also offers classes.

We researched the sex toys everyone's been buzzing about.

The board in the back of the store offered classes titled Picking Up the Ropes: An Intro to Rope Bondage, and From Harness to Hog Tie: Intermediate Rope Bondage with Sir Brian. Oh, did we mention there's a hefty student discount? See you there ;)

HANNAH NOYES

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TECH

TROLLING FOR NUDES ON LOCUST We got down and dirty with Penn's sexting population.

HAVE YOU EVER SEXTED?

Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and sadly, some people here at Penn won't be with their loved ones to celebrate the day. Thankfully, in the year 2016, it's easier than ever to send off a quick sexy text to whoever you want to set the mood. We decided to interview members of the Penn community to get some tips find out just where we stand on sexting. Here are some of our favorite answers. Like what you see? Check out the video on www.34st.com.

WHAT'S YOUR DEFINITION OF SEXTING?

- No. - Where is this going...

- Uh...pass. Just kidding! Maybe once or twice.

- No. - Yes. - When the mood strikes.

- Yeah, I sext. Quite often. A few times a day.

- I don't sext. There are plenty of bodies in Hill.

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- Nudes, or descriptive messages.

- I think I'd draw sexting at, like, you'd have to send a picture—an explicit picture of yourself...I draw a difference between sexting and like, an erotic message.

- There's a difference between the two in terms of creativity. But you can be creative with the picture, too.

- Talking about, ya know, like, being dirty over text message...like if you send a wink face back, that's not sexting, but if you're like, 'I wanna FUCK you,' that's sexting, I think.

- When you are trying to sexually arouse someone over text.

- Pictures. Not words. Not huge on dirty talking.

- Dirty talk...always iMessage. Green is not hot. It's a pretty ugly color. I mean, it's not sexual, like, I don't want to fuck nature.

- Dick pic.

- Whatever gets people going through text.

- The occasional dick pic. Something designed to elicit the physical arousal response.

- Anything that has to do with sex, I'd say.

- I think sexting really only starts once the pictures start flowing.

FACE OR NO FACE? - No face. Gotta keep it anonymous. Snapchat has revolutionized the nudes game.

- On Snapchat? No face. For texting? Face.

- No face. What if you run for office?

- I've never sent a picture, but if you made me, I would put in my face.

- I've been with my boyfriend for two years, so at this point I send pictures with my face in it, but if you're gonna sext some random guy or someone you've been hooking up with on and

off, I would say no face.

- No face is kind of dehumanizing. That's the problem with like, the oversexualization of women's bodies. But like at the same time, it's very incriminating.

- No face, obviously.

- No face. You gotta let the dick speak for - itself.

- No face. I might run for president someday.

- No face. Maybe lips.

HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND TO GETTING A RANDOM DICK/TIT PIC? - If it's a Snapchat and it's under five seconds, I'm startled and a little annoyed, but I'm not upset.

- I would probably ignore it, or be like, 'Not the time.'

- I'd probably be going around showing people to embarrass them.

- Random dick pics, I think, are the funniest thing to grace this earth. Like, I really enjoy them because I'm just like, why?

How? - Once my boyfriend asked me for nudes, and I sent him a dick pic that I had received.

- It would be a great day.

- I actually have. Back in the days of when Snapchat was becoming a thing, really creepy guys would put on the iTunes reviews, like, 'Ladies please message me at whatever,' so I added one guy, his name was 'best in the west,' and so I sent him a picture of my roommate's ass, just unsolicited...and then all of a sudden I just started getting dick pics. Like a lot, all from the same guy.

I had to block him.

- I'd probably send my face back, like, 'Who is this?'

ZOE ALBANO–ORITT

THE ONLY

ARTS

VALENTINES YOU WILL EVER NEED

Love is

never having to book

your own

GSR

I love you

more than Theos loves

joggers

I would go to Lyn's at lunch hour for You You make me

Sunset

Blush

VALENTINES ARE NICE, BUT NOTHING SAYS "I LOVE YOU" LIKE HAVING THE OPPORTUNITY TO HIT SOMEONE WITH A LIVE SALMON AND NOT DOING IT.

I'll elevate your Surface ;)

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VALENTINE'S DAY

Wash your Scuba Gear before the Action Yuck! You haven’t cleaned your scuba equipment in a year, but you know you’re gonna need it again for this special day! A visit to the dry cleaners or sanitarium should do the trick.

SEXTIPS LOWBROW

Cosmo's got the inside and out for all you need on your special day.

Talk dirty to him!

Lay your eggs after making love

Replace the Batteries in your lava lamp

Let him know you’re really feeling it with some wild, seductive talk! We suggest screaming sexy phrases in his ear, such as “your life is void of any meaning” and “stop trying, life is all downhill from here.”

You’d be surprised at how many girls do this before their magical night instead of after. For a simple mnemonic device, just remember that the dickin’ comes before the egg!

As all you ladies know, there’s nothing worse than your lava lamp fizzling out while you're shaking sheets with that boy you’ve been flirting with for months. Be prepared and let that light shine during your sexy–time!

HOW TO FIND YOUR VALENTINE ON TINDER Tinderella is waiting for you Adopt a cool, confident moniker One of the only things your potential matches (and hopefully mates) can see is your name.

Use this to your advantage by making your name something that screams confidence and spunk, such as “Fetus Punisher” or “LordofDarkness666.”

Don’t use pictures of yourself Using actual pictures of yourself is a great way to expose yourself to the many predators that lurk about in this uncertain world. Instead, search “Happy Guy/Gal” in Google Images and use some of those pictures.

Follow the formula for the “About You” section List in this order: Your favorite type of poultry, any war of your choice that took place during the 19th century

and your least favorite quality about your dad. Be sure to sprinkle some question marks throughout to convey your mysterious aura. Your number of matches will soar immediately!

Preface your messages with TBT We know you’ve already been doing this, but we wanted to make sure you do it for all of your messages, not just the majority.

Brag about how your AIM screen name had no numbers Make your first message in it memorable They won’t believe you, but Congrats, you’ve followed the previous steps and already it’s true! have some matches! But you’ve Seal the deal only just begun. You want to At this point, you're really wow your new match without sounding too desperate, hitting it off with your soon– so gauge for potential shared to–be Valentine and you have interests and get that chemis- just one final step: the clincher. try going right away by asking, Ask your match if they want to “What’s your favorite form of come over to your place later for shellfish and gorgonzola. If birth control?” they don't respond, just copy and paste the same message Use this pickup line at least in all caps to your other three once “I’m no frog, but I’d like to matches, and you'll be golden.

You've got a magical night lick your flies.” ahead of you.

LOWBROW ISN'T REAL. NEITHER IS A DATING APP SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BUY THEM PIZZA AND TELL THEM THEY'RE PRETTY. BUT HEY, A GIRL CAN DREAM, RIGHT?

Come and get all your hotpot / 火锅

春节快乐!

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LOWBROW

LOVEBROW'S GIFT GUIDE FOR V-DAY Let us define the relationship for you.

Illustrations by Gloria Yuen

For the long distance couple

You’re probably saving money to go and visit each other, so a cheap but thoughtful gift is in your best interest. Lovebrow suggests crafting a doll of yourself out of your shower hair. If you live in a dorm, you already have to collect your hair from the drain, so this is an entirely practical, minimal effort and endearing gift to all.

For the “we’ve been dating for three months, a week, and two days” couple

You’re at that point when you’ve had fun and like spending time with one another but don’t really know how the other person truly feels about you yet. And, they probably don’t fully know either. So this Valentine’s Day, give them the gift of knowledge. Break up with them so they can see how they really felt about you.

For the dude with commitment issues

So Fear Factor was always super successful by having people get over things by facing their fears. This is exactly the method you need to employ. Buy tickets to something a year in advance and mold yourself a copy of his key. If he won’t let you into his life, claw your way to the entrance.

For that one night stand you had last month that gets really nervous around you

Just because you’ve never seen them without drunk goggles on doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a shout out on Valentine’s Day. And nothing says thanks for deciding I was hot enough to be around your genitalia better than a negative pregnancy test at his doorstep.

For the one who’s “abroad”

If your significant other is “abroad” we all know that really means non–existent. But do yourself a favor and order edible arrangements and cake to be delivered to your door. You might feel weird attaching a personalized steamy message, but you’ll thank us when your roommates see a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries that came all the way from “David” in London.

2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 1 1 , 2 016

For the significant other who said they wanted nothing You’re on your own, buddy.