02.25.2016

February 25–March 2, 2016 34st.com

BEHIND THE SCENE INSIDE THE EXCLUSIVE AND ELUSIVE WORLD OF PENN’S ELITE

february 25

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

2016

LOL

“If someone asked you if you were happy, what would you say?”

The general consensus seems to be that the average college student— or just person in general—would not be able to give a hard yes. People are not objectively happy. Or, more specifically, happiness is too broad or abstract of a concept to apply uniformly to one’s life. Most people I ask seem to always answer the question with, “Yes, but…”

3 HIGHBROW

midterms, overheards, roundup

4 WORD ON THE STREET

If someone asked me if I was happy, I would say yes.

I promise I'm not stupid

It took me a really long time to get to a point where I could say yes without the "but," or even say yes at all. It took a lot of therapy and self–reflection. And here is what I figured out, for me: I am happy because I do what makes me happy and not what other people seem to think should make me happy.

5 EGO

eotw, bachelors/ettes

LOL

LOL

LOL

LOL

LOL

w. street commons, condoms, advice & virtue

10 FEATURE

I think we spend a lot of time judging people at Penn, including ourselves, but the sooner you stop holding yourself accountable to other people’s ideas about you, the better off you will be.

the scene

12 TECH

quartz, michael shephard

14 FILM

a war, professors + oscars

16 ARTS

sonic poetry, ica

18 LOWBROW LOL

That’s the takeaway that I want you to get from this week’s feature: not only that the nature of being sceney doesn’t make you any more or less happy in it of itself, but that if participating in the Scene is what makes you happy then that’s okay, and if abstaining from the Scene is what makes you happy, then that’s okay, too.

7 VICE & VIRTUE

snowbrow

PSA: WE DO NOT HAVE A WRITERS' MEETING TONIGHT (AKA NONE OF STREET HAS PLANS, PLEASE TEXT US TO HANG OUT SO WE DON'T FEEL LONELY.)

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Managing Editor Giulia Imholte, Audience Engagement Director Jeffrey Yang, Design Director Remi Lederman, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Orly Greenberg, Features Editor Mark Paraskevas, Word on the Street Editor Steph Barron, Word on the Street Editor Emily Hason, Campus Editor Julie Levitan, Culture Editor Brandon Slotkin, Entertainment Editor Rachel Rubin, Lowbrow Editor Genny Hagedorn, Highbrow Beat Keara Jenkins, Highbrow Beat Elena Modesti, Ego Beat Genevieve Glatsky, Ego Beat 2

Melissa Curley, Music Beat Sydney Hard, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beatlet Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beatlet Madison Bell-Rosof, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Nick Joyner, Film and TV Beat Emily Schwartz, Film and TV Beat Zoe Albano-Oritt, Tech Beat Hannah Noyes, Tech Beat Dina Zaret, Vice & Virtue Beat Chloe Shakin, Vice & Virtue Beat Jackie Lawyer, Lowbrow Beat Jack Cody, Lowbrow Beat Nadia Kim, Design Editor Sofie Praestgaard, Design Editor

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

Alex Fisher, Photo Editor Katie Dumke, Photo Editor

Isabel Zapata, Photo Editor Sara Thalheimer, Copy Director Elana Waldstein, Copy Director Sola Park, Copy Editor Chloe Cheng, Copy Editor Blake Brashear, Social Media Editor Rhea Aurora, Social Media Editor

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Katie Dumke, Isabel Zapata, Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, and Julie Chu Cheong.

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at johns@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com

Staff Writers: Frank Augello, Caroline Harris, Mike Coyne, Hallie Brookman, Olivia Fitzpatrick, Jillian Karande

"Everyone else in the world should be more like me"–boy who literally started a fire in a frat house

Staff Photographers: Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, Julie Chu Cheong Contributors: Louise Tanski, Harley Geffner, Sean McGeehan

©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE BASED ON

WHERE

YOU CAMP

OUT DURING

MIDTERMS

at

Van Pelt Basement—You’re a Rosenparty regular. You like to SABS and procrastinate by saying hi to all of your acquaintances and whisper–shouting across the tables. You tolerate the smell of gross carpet, and you buy the bad coffee and stale donuts at Mark's Café where the quasi–baristas recognize you.

pencil pouch, takes notes by hand in class and makes study guides. You probably study something humanities related, and you’re organized enough to finish working before midnight. You glare at people who break the silence by unzipping their backpacks, and you’ve probably Instagrammed a photo of how ~collegiate~ your school’s library is. (Ed.Note: No Lippincott—You’re sceney enough to appreciate clean cubicles shame in going there, Instagramming and leaving #fucktests) and desks, there’s adderall around and you probably GrubHub Starbucks Under Commons—You came with half of Pod to Van Pelt. your srat to pretend to get work done, you’re as basic as the black leggings you arrived wearing and you can get work done Huntsman GSR —You’re either a Whartonite or an imposwhile listening to loud music and admiring a fake fireplace. ter who had someone book a GSR for you. You consider Excel a varsity sport, and writing on the whiteboards makes you feel official. Your dinners consist exclusively of Honeygrow stir frys, BioMed—You hide from people and instead enjoy the company of portraits of old scientists petting their lab rats. which you pick at while ranting about how OCR is soooo hard.

Van Pelt, Floors Three through Five—You actually put time into finding an open cubicle where a sad graduate student hasn't already left books for his research paper. Alarmingly, you don’t mind studying in what’s basically a run down warehouse with linoleum floors and fluorescent lights. Somehow you can function without sunlight, and you don’t know what time of day it is. (Ed. Note: How do you live like this...)

Law School Library—You like booths, but don’t want to bother booking one in Weigle Information Commons in advance. You’d rather not run into everyone you know while studying, but you also wouldn’t mind picking up a hot law student to habeas your corpus... *wink* Fisher Fine Arts—You’re the kind of person who carries a

THEROUNDUP With the monsoon–like rain, Highbrow hopes your week has gone swimmingly. Just kidding, we’re drowning in midterms too. It’s a good thing we have all your gossip to keep us afloat. Keep your floaties on, kids— just because you’re holding out for spring break doesn’t mean things won’t get a lil stormy on campus.

Last weekend, Jazz and Grooves hosted a variation on the Great American Challenge (Ed Note: Look it up if you're not familiar!) in a basement on campus. But instead of completing a puzzle at the end, teams had to complete a lap around the ice rink at Drake and Skate.

Those with decent survival instincts steered clear of the ice when they arrived, but one cross–faded guy gave it a shot. He wiped out, injured his ankle and had to be rescued by a worker who came onto the ice in sneakers

Education Commons—You’re either an engineer or an athlete sporting your red and blue apparel in between practices. If you value comfort over productivity, then you’ll take advantage of the bean bag chairs they've provided you to increase relaxation and procrastination (read: napping in public).

Hubbub—You’re the kind of person who can get yourself out of bed at 8 a.m. for a productive morning. You manage to snag a table and an outlet where you can enjoy your overpriced latté.

Your Room—You pretend that you can be productive by sitting down on your bed but really you just fall asleep. You’re probably covered in popcorn and dirty sheets.

to save him. He claims his only regret was the disappointing sound system at Drake and Skate. We guess he didn’t need to go downtown to get, “Groovy, baby.”

Mis–snakes, mis–snakes. We all make ‘em, right? SSSources tell us that one Butcher resident had bought himself a little slithery friend/sidekick and was keeping it hidden in his Quad dorm. All was well until recently, when a group of drunk freshmen boys were playing with the snake and lost it in the quad. Looks like that fake friend lingering from NSO wouldn’t be the only snake in the grass on your hall. Highbrow suspects some freshmen might be having some hiss–y fits until they locate Ware it is.

That wasn’t the only questionable housing situation this weekend. After her date night, one SK lady wooed her TEP date back to her house, only to be sexiled by her roommate. Rather than let their hookup plans be deterred, the desirous duo rented a room at the nearby Sheraton. Looks like our dates were really hot(el) to

over heard PENN Glaringly douchey frat bro on Locust: I have got to stop being so nice. Ya know, to girls that aren't hot and stuff.

Beta blowhard: I told her she was one cheeseburger away from becoming obese.

Srat star at the Palestra: Are we in DRL right now?

Phi pledge at Wawa: Ding, ding, ding. I have a small penis!

Insightful girl walking out of class: At night he drunkenly sent me Drake lyrics so that’s how I knew he was into me.

Frat guy leaving Smokes': Does anyone want to know how much my tab was?

trot, right? Highbrow hears that upon making it to the room, the two ended up passing out before having any intercourse, and then woke up the next morning blackout and very confused. We honestly haven’t seen such a failed attempt of throwing down so much money for sex since our last outing at Smokes’, but we hope their night was still suite.

It wouldn’t hurt a few Quakers to get their minds (and livers) out of the gutter though. During an OAX– Castle function at a bowling alley, a very drunk Castle boy slid on his stomach down the bowling lane on towards the pins. Looks like the manager didn’t want to let it slide. One worker ran down the gutter, grabbed him by the back of his collar and shouted at everyone to get out. Highbrow thought it was three strikes and you’re out, but apparently it only takes one.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

3

WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

I'M A STUDENT–ATHLETE, AND I PROMISE I'M NOT STUPID LOUISE TANKSI

W

alking into my first class of freshman year, I did my best to wash away any affiliation I might have with Penn Athletics. After an early morning rowing practice, I ran back to my room in the Upper Quad to transform my reeking, dirty, post–workout self into a more suitable first–day–of–school self.

In the twenty minutes I had to prepare myself before my 10 a.m. lecture, I switched my athletic identity for my student identity. I showered, brushed and concealed anything that might give me away as a Penn Rower.

The truth is, being recruited to Penn made me feel guilty. Who’s to say that my athletic capabilities should overwrite the academic capabilities of another non–athletic applicant? I justified my Penn acceptance by telling myself that the college process is just a game. High school classmates that graduated before me proved that a 2400 SAT score and a 4.0 GPA were simply not enough to get into a school like Penn. Regardless of how smart you are, admissions is not an even playing field—legacies rely on the names of parents and grandparents, wealthy students bribe their way in and athletes rely on their physicality. Brains don’t guarantee acceptance into a good school, but the reality is that athletic prowess combined with decent academic achievements can. My decision to be recruited to Penn was me playing my straight flush. If an acceptance letter marks the end of the college admittance game, it was fair to say that I’d won.

But after stepping on campus for the first time in the sweltering August heat, I was consumed by my fear of inadequacy. What if I’d gotten so caught up playing the college admissions game that I’d merely played myself?

What if I wasn’t smart enough to compete with Penn students in the classroom?

What if I wasn’t good enough at rowing, the sport I’d learned to love in high school?

I was afraid that my classmates would doubt my academic capabilities if they knew I was an athlete. I was afraid that I wouldn’t reach the potential that I expected of myself. So, I decided to commit to two different Penn identities— student and athlete. During my classes, I’d be one among many other Penn students.

In September, I refused to wear my Penn Athletics clothing to class. I made sure to sit with non–athletes during my lectures, despite the temptation of familiar faces.

During practice, I committed to my team. I did my best to make my boat faster, to outpace everyone else. I needed external verification to validate my place at Penn, whether it came in the form of winning races or acing tests.

By the end of September, I wasn't doing either. I was tired of making vague excuses to my non–athlete friends in class about my mysterious early morning commitments, my constant hunger and my fatigue (which, thankfully, they could identify with). Changing out of my Penn Athletics clothing after every practice started to feel unnecessary.

After all, if the kids I studied with during class were my friends, why did I care so much about

THE TRUTH IS, BEING RECRUITED TO PENN MADE ME FEEL GUILTY.

4

Sweating over my intelligence as an athletic recruit.

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

the possibility that they might label me stupid?

After three weeks of consciously concealing my athletic life, I gave up. When I told my classmates I was on the crew team, I was surprised to find that they did not care—“Oh, really? That’s cool!”—was about all I got.

There’s a reason that we call ourselves student–athletes—neither half of the hyphenation is meant to stand on its own. I’m proud to call myself a member of the Penn Women’s Rowing family, but I’m also infinitely grateful to be able to call myself a Penn student. Neither my identity nor my life is meant to be split up into compartments of sport–related activities and academics. Some of my closest friends at Penn are on the Rowing team, but I would also never give up on the relationships I’ve made through classes and living on an integrated hall.

As for whether I belong at Penn or not, I could not have asked for a better group of empowering people to surround me. Life isn’t always sink or swim—sometimes we all need a friend to help us ride the current. So, my advice to myself, and to you, is to trust that you belong no matter what you wear or who you sit with in class.

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: KENDRA CARSON AND MAHA SUBRAMANIAM As directors of Vagina Monologues this year, Kendra Carson and Maha Subramaniam are here to spread awareness about what the Vagina Monologues is (Read: Not a bunch of angry feminists yelling "cunt" at you).

Street: Is the Vagina Monologues the same every year?

Maha Subramaniam: The monologues are the same every year. One will be added every few years, but you’re supposed to use the same ones. But it’s different every year because of casting and you’d be surprised how a monologue can change just from a different person performing.

Kendra Carson: There are different voices and different blocking, so this year we changed a few things.

Street: What are you trying to make different about Vagina Monologues?

MS: Our exec board is very aware of the shortcomings of this movement. We want to make it more inclusive, not just race–wise or sexuality–wise. In the past few years we’ve been doing better in terms of casting. Just the nature of the name 'Vagina Monologue' makes you need to be aware that not everyone who is involved has a vagina.

We want it to be a place where everyone can identify.

KC: It used to be very much about the show and raising money, and the cast wasn’t as close. We’ve worked hard to make Sunday meetings a time to become closer, and I want to make sure that solidarity comes through in the show.

Street: Can you elaborate on the criticisms that Vagina Monologues receives?

MS: One big thing is that we are a movement facing sexual violence. It’s not exclusive to women. All of our pieces allude to vaginas, but that doesn’t mean you need to have a vagina to be involved. We are trying to make it an inclusive environment, whether you’re trans, a man or a woman.

KC: Our show is vagina–centric, but not all trans woman have a vagina or even want a vagina. And because it’s old and a very second–wave feminism, some of it can get an air of slight misandry.

Street: What was your motivation to get involved?

KC: I saw the show freshman year so I made my way up through the crew and then the Sunday meeting planner my junior year. My feminism picked up speed throughout the years.

I identify as being a survivor so that certainly strengthened my need to be involved.

MS: Since I come from Malaysia, I wondered if I had even heard the word vagina in my home country. So when I came to campus and saw this group, I was like, 'What is happening?' I joined because a friend was in it, but the one thing that really caused me to join was when I was talking to my Muslim friend about coming to a Sunday meeting and she said, 'No, I don’t think I would be welcome because of my religious beliefs.' I didn’t understand what she meant, and at that point I thought it would be so hypocritical of a movement that prides itself on creating a safe space to make people feel unsafe. So one of my goals for being on the board was to create that safe space.

Street: Why do you think guys are so hesitant to come to Vagina Monologues?

MS: People don’t know what exactly the core mission is.

People think it’s an angry feminist shouting at you.

Street: Why is Vagina Monologues necessary on Penn's campus?

MS: I would love for it to not be necessary. And coming to

Penn, I thought [sexual violence] wouldn’t happen here. But it can manifest in so many different ways; it’s not black and white.

It’s crazy the amount of people who are affected by it but no one talks about it because people don’t know it’s happening. The university policies are so shitty against these cases.

KC: It’s needed for so many reasons. It’s an empowering space for women. At the end of the show, we do a call to rise and we ask that anyone who identifies as a survivor to stand up. You see Irvine Auditorium stand up and how pertinent it is on Penn’s campus. You could be sitting next to your friend and could have not known or you could be the person standing and see your other friend standing as well. It’s a really telling moment.

Street: Tell us something we don't know about vaginas.

MS: Basically, the clitoris has twice the amount of nerve endings as the corresponding part in the penis. It’s like 8,000 nerve endings versus 4,000.

KC: Also the clitoris can get an erection. It has a frenulum that causes orgasms. It is so cool.

Vaginas are muscly—they aren’t just a hole. The clitoris wraps around so many other glands in the back, you can actually get an orgasm from anal sex because there is so much

Name: Kendra Carson Hometown: Silver Spring, Maryland Major: Linguistics Minor: Sign Language and Deaf Studies Activities: Penn Dance Company, African American Arts Alliance, Carriage, Onyx

going on behind the actual clitoris.

Street: Do your vaginas have names?

MS: I honestly think I say 'Yasssss' so much so I think I would name mine 'Yasss QUEEN Yaaaaaaas.' With the shorter 'Yas' at the front.

KC: I thought mine was named 'Serafina' but I feel like my vagina's name changes. I don’t know what she’s feeling right now, or what they are feeling right now—I don’t know the pronouns.

MS: I thought it was JJ at first but someone told me that’s a boys name… okay...

Street: What is the most important thing in bed?

MS + KC: Consent!

Street: What would be your dream job?

MS: I wanna be Jon Stewart except I don’t know anything about Malaysian politics and I’m going back home. Basically I want to be a satire political

Name: Maha Subramaniam Hometown: Klang, Malaysia Major: Finance and Management Activities: Head of Penn Fashion Collective, FLCB, Sphinx figure. Or Mindy Kaling.

KC: My dream job would be to write for SNL but I’m not funny enough. Or Carrie Brownstein.

MS: I would also really love a job just carrying pandas.

Street: What advice would you give to your freshman year self?

MS: Don’t buy that hula hoop!

This fucking hula hoop, I was so gung–ho to exercise freshman year so I bought a hula hoop and there was no room to do it in my room.

KC: I would tell myself to not be ashamed about the decisions I make. It’s really easy to get a certain amount of shame about partying or about hooking up with people.

Street: Finish this sentence.

There are two types of people at Penn...

KC: People who believe in binaries and people who don’t.

MS: People who talk about poop and people who don’t.

F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

5

PENN'S MOST

ELIGIBLE

BACHELORS EGO

You were wondering where the good ones were hiding. We're here to help.

TATE

CALEB

WILL

JAMES

JULIAN

this junior will save the world ing my shoe and my wallet.”

How to catch his eye: “Wear one day. Not only that, but This smooth–talking Lothario rumor has it he’s really nice slippers to Rumor.” wants to pursue music but as well. Someone like this also cares about social justice. deserves a home cooked meal Despite that swoon–worthy Caleb Chodosh (C '18) combination, he claims he's This Theos sophomore might and a bottle of red ASAP (hint hint, this is his weakness.) stayed single because "I can't as well have jumped out of a Best Move: "It’s all in the keep my room clean." That's Warby Parker x J.Crew x Thrift smize.

Then I tell her I sketch okay, we like it dirty.

Shop ad. On top of that, he owns and play the ukulele."

Celebrity crush: “Sarah the all of the Roald Dahl books.

Fantasy girl: "Wears flannel McLachlan. The summer after Kinkiness on a scale of 1–10: and loves adventure." my freshman year I served "The Great Quake of 1906."

How to catch his eye: drinks at a pool. Sarah McLachBiggest turn–off: "Ordering "Compliment my beanie." lan came to the hotel and I had a steak above medium–rare… I Oral skills on a scale of a great conversation with her for don’t play that shit."

1–10: "My professors say I’m like half an hour.” fairly verbose."

His badass side: “This sum-

Tate Gale (C '17)

mer I woke up at 6 a.m. on a bench in the East Village miss-

Will Slotznick (C '17)

A lot of people claim that

6

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

don’t like cats.”

Biggest turn–on: “When your hair smells like shampoo.”

How to catch his eye: “Reading in a public place.”

Nick Zaza (C '16)

He's a senior, so hurry the fuck up! This transfer student claims he doesn't have enough friends with GBFs to introduce him to. Plus he sounds "like Rafael Nadal's tennis grunt" in bed, so you'll have that to look forward to.

Best move: “One time the guy in front of me at Starbucks ordered something and then I James Jameson (C' 17) ordered the same thing as he He’s a swimmer. Need we say did because I thought he was more? This mystery man thrives cute. And then I went to go off of St. Ides High Gravity Malt take it and he was like ‘That’s Liquor and will cut you in half if mine’ and I was like ‘Oh my he sees you talking with food in gosh I’m so sorry!' And then your mouth. Honestly, worth it we started talking.” for this blonde hunk whose oral His fantasy guy: “A Penn skills are “nine on an off day.”

Med student or a CHOP resiHis type: "She has to be dent. Definitely a doctor." adventurous, social and know how to relax (Netflix)" Mark Bai (C '16) "How to catch his eye: "A As a member of Apes, it's smile from across the bar makes pretty damn clear that this kid me feel some type of way." is a homie. But we'll let you

Julian Mickelson (E '17)

CREATIVE • BALANCED • SIMPLE 1608 SOUTH STREET • PHILADELPHIA, PA 215-790-0330 • ENTREEBYOB.COM

NICK

If youre ready to turn down a native Californian who surfs, you simply can’t be trusted.

And if you aren’t ready to turn it down, your beach romance movie fantasies can finally come true.

Biggest turn–off: “If they

MARK

LOUIS

and warm and affectionate.”

Most awe-inducing moment: “I hooked up with this girl and then I ran into her and her friend at a party. She was trying to go home with me but I was very into her friend. And her friend happened to also know Chinese. I told her in Chinese ‘I’m not interested in your friend but I’m interested in you.’ She said ‘I like you too’ in Chinese back to me. She helped her friend get home and then she came back to my house.”

Oral skills, on a scale of 1 to 10: “11. I know what I’m good at.”

Louis Markham (C/W' 15)

He's a British super senior majoring in Physics and Finance.

We're pretty much talking dirty to you right now. His beverage of choice is the sweet milk at the end of the cereal bowl. If that doesn't show a sensitive side I don't know what does.

How he’s stayed single: “Crippling insecurities and a profound fear of women.”

Best move: “Awkwardly decide if you're up for the ride standing on a dance floor and waiting for someone to notice after reading his responses.

This man is not holding back. my existence.”

His bad-ass side: “I used Which could come in handy to try and bully men that are once the fire starts to burn...

His fantasy girl: “I have a list of more attractive than me. But it 25 or 30 things now. Very detailed would never work because they and they’re all about personality. I were more attractive than me.” want an effortlessly cool laid-back How he sounds in bed: “A cross between a flute and parstoner girl who’s also very smart ticularly joyous seahorse.”

& BACHELORETTES EGO

KAT Kat Sicat (C '17)

SESANA

FIORELA

the ball in my court.”

Her badass side: “I’ve been in the Round Up like three times. One time, I sat on a glass bottle at Rumor and had to go to the ER. I got my ears pierced in the crowd at Kid Cudi at Coachella 2012.”

How she sounds in bed: “Like a well–rounded album.

There’s ups and downs.”

How to catch her eye: “Number one thing I look for in a guy is PEP, which is Potential Earning Power. So he doesn’t have to have everything going for him now, but if he has the potential.”

Good luck keeping up with Kat Sicat. In addition to dancing for City Step, Strictly Funk and Penn Dance, she took a semester off to play rugby for the Philippines' national team. No wonder she was voted 'Most Intimidating' in high school.

Best move: “The last guy I dated said that I gave him ‘the face’ when we first met. But I have no idea what that was.”

Her ideal date: “One time, I went ATVing on this old volcano. I went on a trapeze–ing date. Like a three–hour lesson.”

How to catch her eye: "If a guy doesn’t have a good beard, he better have a good jawline." Fiorella Medina (C '18) Chokers are back, and if Fiorella isn't a perfect example Sesana Allen (C '18) of this statement, then I'm This girl is truly the eighth wonder of the world. She can wrong. This bilingual babe is be found either on an elevated a sophomore in Theta and is currently "single and ready to surface at Recess, FACing mingle. Like any true homie, (Frontera and Chill, do you live under a rock?) or heckling she loves cold beers on the beach and good music. Stay people on Locust. So “Sess mysterious, Medina. up” and follow this TriDelt Her badass side: "I'm really sophomore on Instagram @ good at basketball and volleyyungsesana: She will love you ball, but even better at FIFA. forever.

Best move: “When I’m talk- I’m a hidden gamer."

How to catch her eye: "A ing to someone in the middle of a conversation, I’ll be like, sexy but smooth stare."

Her best move: "Don't need ‘Where do I know you from any moves." again? What’s your name?’

And then they get caught off guard. And then they’re Caroline Miller (C '16) stressed out. And then it Unfortunately, if you aren't makes me less stressed. It puts

CAROLINE a cross between Ryan Gosling and George Clooney you're going to have a hard time impressing Caroline Miller.

But maybe if someone tall, dark and dimpled takes her out for a few bottles of wine she'll woo you with tales of tending chickens on her childhood farm. Or at least show you her Shakira impression.

How she's stayed single: "I can offer myself much more than others can offer me."

How she sounds in bed: "Like Shakira. 'Le do, lo le, lo le'."

Oral skills, on a scale of 1 to 10: "I brush my teeth at least two times a day."

SIERRA

KATIE

She can be seen prancing down Locust in an adorable running outfit or getting weird on the dance floor at any frat party. That is, when she doesn’t have an interview in New York for something.

Regardless, she’ll ROEck your world.

Her fantasy guy: "Matt Damon circa Good Will Hunting era."

Her most awe–inducing moment: "There are two types: awe–some and awe–kward. My life is more the latter."

Her pride and joy: "My stupPUNdous puns."

Sierra Levin (N '16)

When asked what her badass side was, Sierra asked It’s a damn shame we can’t back, “Is there another side?” clone people yet, because its Woo her with a whiskey coke even more of a damn shame or a Pinot Grigio; it’s truly that only one Katie Roe exists the simple things in life, isn’t on this earth. Lucky for us she it? If you dress up as Chanchose Penn and is extremely ning Tatum, you get extra available (unsure as to why). points. (Ed note: Good luck

Katie Roe (C '17)

SOPHIA

boys…)

How she sounds in bed: "Soft and sweet like the whispers of Aphrodite."

Oral skills on a scale of 1–10: "I can make a clover and a taco with my tongue, so I’d say my oral skills are a 10."

Sophia Tareen (C '17)

This singing stunner is as eloquent as she is cultured (she just studied abroad in Istanbul). If you can't beat her on the dance floor, you'll have to woo her during class with your insightful comments about the readings that you totally did.

How she’s stayed single: “I’m just too elusive.”

How to catch her eye: “I like if he can outwit me or change my opinion about something.”

Her pride and joy: “My moves shine on the dance floor.”

Violinist Giora Schmidt with Pianist Michal Schmidt Will perform music by Ludwig van Beethoven: THREE SONATAS Sonata no. 7 in C minor Sonata no. 5 in F major “Spring” Sonata no. 9 in A major “Kreutzer”

Saturday, February 27th 2016 | 8:00 PM | Old Christ Church: 2nd and Market St., Philadelphia www.neighborhood-house.com/view-our-events#all | For more info, call: 610-574-5020 F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

7

WHAT THE HELL IS LAGOM TECH

HANNAH NOYES

"It doesn't actually do anything, it's just cool."

When Street heard that Wharton junior Michael Shephard was developing a “computer techy thing,” naturally, Tech was sent to find out more. We sat down with Shephard and had him explain to us what the hell Lagom is and why we should be using it.

“Basically, we are working with this very simple homepage, and every day, you get a different design, and it's supposed to be very mellow, cleansing, cathartic almost. I think that Penn students are just so…anxious and Type–A and running around all the

time and opening up all these tabs on their browsers. This is supposed to be a reminder to take a deep breath and chill out," he explained.

This homepage is super minimalistic, and gives you the bare essentials: date, time and the weather. Shephard explained that he used to have Facebook as his homepage and that he was constantly scrolling and began to hate it.

When he changed it to one of his favorite websites, Tech Crunch, he started to despise it as well because he was seeing it so often. Lagom is just a

HAVE YOUR next

FIESTA

little bit more basic than your average sorority girl, in the best way possible.

Lagom [lá–gohm] is a Swedish word that doesn’t have a direct translation, but Shephard loosely describes it as not too much and not too little—moderation, if you will.

The Swedish psyche served as an inspiration for the design of the homepage.“We’re very much about the ethos,” says Shephard.

Shephard describes himself as a “business–vision–marketing manager.” He connects the engineer and the designer.

His designer is Rob Levine (C '17). Levine and Shephard met through their fraternity, Theos, freshman year. Levine is a talented designer who does a lot of freelance work and created the user experience.

Vivek Panyam (E '16) is the developer of the bunch.

“We never did this to make

money or anything; it was a passion project. This was a product me and Rob both wanted, to make this product by ourselves. We may as well release it to the world,” explained Shephard.

The homepage has been in beta for the past few months, but it was finally launched yesterday.

All three of the guys were in different locations during development: Shephard was abroad in Singapore, Levine was abroad in Sweden and Panyam was in Philadelphia.

“It was this crazy shit show of development, with the

time changes and everything,” Shephard said.

Throughout our interview, Shephard continued to stress that he and Levine aren’t doing this for profit. Working with a shoestring budget, they truly just wanted to make themselves something to put as their homepage. While he understands the entire world won’t use their product, they want to make it as good as possible for the people who do use it.

“People either like it or don’t; my job is to convince people to give it a shot.”

Street’s verdict: We’re already straight chillin' on Lagom.io.

with us!

Authentic Mexican food BYO Tequila Free Marg Mix Thurs-Sun! Great for Private Parties

Las Cazuelas Restaurant www.lascazuelas.net (215) 351-9144 426 W Girard Ave

Photos courtesy of Cody Min 8

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

TECH

APP OF THE WEEK:

QUARTZ

This news app helps you stay lazy—and informed—all at the same time.

Every once in a while, I try to do things that make me feel like an adult. I take the trash out, I trek to Fresh Grocer to buy food for my room and I go all the way to the basement of the quad to do my laundry.

And sometimes, I even try to read the news. Nothing makes me feel like a real person more than learning about what the fuck is going on in China, staying up to date with the presidential race or what the price of oil is nowadays. Still though, I kind of suck at it.

Most of the time, when I try to read the news, it takes so long to sift through all of the bullshit that by the time I find something I'm actually interested in, I'm out of time

or already bored. Other times, different newspapers have so many sections that I have no idea what pages to open (and by that, I mean click on).

Lucky for me though, Quartz cuts out all this bullshit and gets right to the point, which is exactly why it should be your new way of following the news.

How it works: Quartz is an interactive, easy and fast way of getting the world's latest news. Using Quartz is like texting a computer to give you news.

As soon as you open the app, Quartz will send you a headline that links to articles from various news sites, in an iMes-

sage kind of style. You can respond to the headline by sending one of the two messages at the bottom of the screen. One message basically means “tell me more”—though the actual message could be phrased as a follow–up question or a few related emojis, and the other always says “anything else?”

(Ed. note: Read that in Bon Qui Qui's voice.)

Send the first message if you’re interested in the headline and it will send you more articles about that topic. If you couldn't give a shit, just click “anything else?” and it will send you a different headline. Within 5–10 minutes of using Quartz, you instantly and easily get the news from around the world.

The one caveat that I didn't realize going in was that Quartz focuses more on economic news, rather than social issues.

So while a Whartonite might be into every post, your average English major might end up hitting "anything else?" over and over, until they give up and just read the Skimm.

The biggest bonus, though, is that with the iMessage style, Quartz makes it look like you’re texting. So next time you're in one of those awkward situations where you need to pretend to text, just open Quartz and catch up on the news instead.

AARON KIM

BRAND NEW

WELCOME BACK! 30 Draft Beers Penn Singers Penn Glee Club Penn Band Delta Upsilon Penn Rugby

Phi Kappa Psi Phi Sigma Sigma Theta Tau Order of Omega Penn Soccer

&

180 Bottled Beers Happy Hour 7 Days a week 5 - 7 HOUR AllHAPPY 20oz Drafts $3.00 7 DAYS A WEEK, 5-7PM | Drafts $3.00 and $5.00 Belgian Drafts $5.00

KARAOKE KARAOKE NIGHT NIGHT EVERY SATURDAY - 1:30 EVERY SATURDAY,99PM PM–1:30 AM AM

Furnished Student Apartments!

Enjoy a furnished apartment featuring granite kitchens with all appliances, custom private bathrooms, hardwood floors, Flat Screen TVs in family rooms, alarm systems, front door monitors, fire sprinkler systems, a Fitness Center & Study Room! Free shuttle service to and from campus!

45th & Walnut

Free Wi-Fi to all tenants Our newest building ready Summer 2016.

3BR, 3BTH furnished apartments.

Fitness center & free personal trainer on site, study room, free laundry & shuttle service.

Starting at $1,800

Starting early Fall

PHILLY’S BEST WINGS!

PHILLY’S BEST WINGS!

Voted Philly’s byCitysearch Citysearch Voted Philly’sBest Best by Bring in ad & get 20% off food 1116 WalnutStreet Street | 215.627.7676 215.627.7676 1116 Walnut www.MoriartysPub.com www.moriartyspub.com

Limited Availability. Call today!

855-205-0500 | universityrealtyapartments.com F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

9

F E AT U R E

F E AT U R E

BEHIND THE SCENE:

INSIDE THE EXCLUSIVE AND ELUSIVE WORLD OF PENN’S ELITE

It's not hard to go downtown for a night.

Leave the pregame at Harvest just after 11 p.m. Pay $5 for an Uber to the club. Pay $20 to get in the door. Pay $9 for a mediocre gin and tonic. Watch five handles of Belvedere cross the room with sparklers taped to them.

They’re being delivered to the Scene.

The Scene is a ubiquitous concept at Penn that lacks a definition. It is identified by a series of traits that allow us to point to someone else––“Oh, he’s Sceney, but I’m certainly not,”––that keeps the Scene in a perpetual state of otherness, and thus, undefined.

But what’s behind the Scene?

What even is it?

Part of it is an attitude, a certain defiance of knowing that regardless of where you are or what you’re doing, you can enter a certain space and belong. There’s a camaraderie that comes with that demeanor and links members of the Scene together. However, what separates members of the Scene from any other group is their reluctance to admit their involvement in it. This reluctance stems from something simple: The Scene is easy to judge. But it’s much more useful to try and understand the Scene––and to understand, you must immerse yourself. There’s more to the Scene than knowing the Sceney.

As Michelle*, a New York prep schooler who’s now in a sorority, puts it, “I think if you have to define the Scene in a sentence, you just don’t know what it is.”

***

The Genesis of The Scene The Scene is a birthright, handed down from parents to children in the form of wealth and access to prestigious institutions. Michelle cites New York specifically as the origin point of the Scene. “It’s the epitome of New York City Upper East Side privilege.”

The Scene, though, can hail from anywhere. When I ask Donald* (a board member of a Sceney frat who hails from the Main Line) where the Scene emanates from, he cracks a grin and turns around in his seat at United By Blue. “If I could just pull down my map,” he says, pointing to an imaginary map on the wall behind him, “I would point to New York, LA and all of Europe.

It’s Horace Mann, Harvard– Westlake and any school in the Northeast that has ‘St.’ in front of it.”

The international Scene searches for similarity amongst like kinds. Ahmed, a wealthy international student, thinks he was initially invited

1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

into the Scene because he has an “international perspective. They see a kid from Egypt and think, 'This kid can probably hang, he’s probably very wealthy, he’s probably similarly interested,’ which, in my case, I hopelessly was not [similarly interested].” Ahmed went to one Castle event and a few Theos parties before he decided to stop rushing altogether.

Usually, though, the Scene is well aware of its members before they even set foot on campus. Their parents are connected through networks established at schools like Penn or at the firms that recruit here, and access to these networks is passed down to their children.

Their children become acquainted with each other through participation in the same extracurricular activities.

“You’ve got all these kids who went to the same Hebrew school or camp, or do a volunteer thing with their moms at the same soup kitchen,” Michelle explains. She mentions participation in service trips to Fiji as an example.

The Scene attends a specific kind of school, and attendees of these schools tend to know each other. As an alumna of Trinity School, a prominent New York private school, Katie Hartman (C '17), a former Street staffer, was exposed to the Scene back in high school. “I had a lot of interaction with kids

from other prep schools in a way that I might not have had if I lived in the suburbs.

My social circle in high school was not just people enrolled in my high school,” Katie notes.

Once the children of the Scene are ready to matriculate to college, their parents use their established networks to make sure their children are connected with each other.

Michelle tells me of cocktail parties organized by overzealous New York City mothers for Penn Early Decision admits to meet each other.

Before Regular Decision kids

"

Knowledge that would take most students weeks to catch up on is taught to the Scene before they get to campus.

Donald thinks that the Scene is a self–perpetuating cycle, or in his words, “a self– fulfilling prophecy, that these kids from Eton [an English boarding school] are almost destined to be Sceney.” He continues, “When they come to Penn, when a fraternity like Castle or Theos, or for A’s, Haverford, they say, well, we’re gonna invite you to these events because… you’re from this high school. Then they become [the Scene].”

Emma*, who attended a prestigious all–girls school in New York, also acknowledges the extent to which Greek and pseudo–Greek organizations fuel the Scene at Penn.

“It’s influenced by sororities and frats for sure. Mostly frats are what create the events that you have to go to in order to be considered Sceney because it’s about like where you go and what you do.”

Michelle thinks this happens because it’s easier to maintain existing social networks than to branch out and redefine your social circle.

“There are some people who are Sceney by default... they get here... and they don’t really know how to branch out, because why would you when

If you have to define the scene in a sentence, you just don't know what it is.

know they’ve been admitted, the Scene has formed a friend group.

***

Transition to Penn Once the track carries the Scene to Penn, the Scene takes advantage of established networks for connections and insider knowledge. “I think the way it translates once you get here is like, 'I knew.' I knew what Tabard was before I ever fucking stepped foot on this campus. I knew what Oz and Theos and Apes were.

I didn’t get here and have a learning curve,” Michelle says.

all your friends go here?”

Michelle asks.

It is, technically, possible to join the Scene later in life.

“You’ll always have the kids who have enough, for boys, charisma, and for girls, attractiveness, who will get in on it.

But the kids who are the power players are the ones with the most money,” Michelle explains. Connections once on campus can help. “I know people who don’t come from New York or Los Angeles or a foreign country but lived with someone who is like that,” Michelle continues. “You get sucked in, and you quickly learn how to act.”

***

The Sceney Lifestyle Once elite status is solidified, the Sceney lifestyle sets in. Michelle says that her friends who went to exclusive all–girls New York prep schools, “[knew] promoters by the time they were 16.”

Access to clubs and bars is not a problem for the young and wealthy. At 16, Michelle had procured a fake ID and began experiencing New York nightlife. “I was 16 and going to bars and getting hit on by 25–year–old men,” she recalls.

Within the Scene, “Game recognize game,” Michelle asserts. There are certain signals, like clothing, language, access to technology and vacation destinations that indicate Sceniness. And the easiest way to recognize game, it seems,

is through social media.

If you’re in the Scene, you’re not just expected to live the good life, but show off the good life on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. “They all have around 1400 followers, they only follow half of that and it’s a flat number, it’s not a private Instagram,” Michelle notes. “People want to be seen,” she elaborates. “But once they’re seen enough, they want to be remembered.”

The Scene is, “more than anything, S–E–E–N,” Donald agrees.

Donald sees the “one– upsmanship” in the Scene as detrimental. “It’s like everyone’s competing. There’s an Instagram of her riding with the top down in a Ferrari and that got 160 likes, so here I am with a glass of champagne in a Lambo and that got 350 likes. There’s got to be a lot of psychological consequences of just constantly being peppered with all of this media.”

Michelle was out at a club in the Meatpacking District, which she described as full of “graduates of the Scene,” when she had a revelation: Nothing at the club was stimulating. “Are you happy?” she wanted to ask the club attendees. “Do you sit down and talk about interesting

things? Is this music that moves you, or is it like not knowing about it will make you feel like a total fucking loser.”

Those in the Scene can feel as if their normal social behaviors are belittled by stereotypes of the Scene held by those outside of it.

“These kids come here and think, ‘How do I become special? How do I become not just another [New York prep school] girl that goes to Penn and is in Theta, or TriDelt or Tabard? How do I become different?’” Michelle concludes, “You either need to hardcore defy it, or run with it.”

*** The Sceney Identity The Scene is just that: a label. It is an identifier, but by no means is it an identity.

In Donald’s mind, the Scene’s goals are the exact same as every other Penn student’s.

“Everyone’s trying to succeed socially, they want to all be getting a job, or they just want to do well academically.”

In this sense, as in most, they’re no different than anyone else.

Everyone I talked to in the Scene couldn't define it, but everyone with distance from it could. Those in the Scene see if for the nuanced social group that it is, while those who are not, don't. It’s easy to pass judgement on something that you’re not a part of, and the farther you away one is from the Scene, the easier it is to identify.

Emma’s still not totally comfortable being identified as Sceney. “I wouldn’t love that description because I don’t think that’s how I would define myself. I don’t want to be a part of the Scene because it feels almost cliché, trying too hard to strive to be in the Scene and always be in the best places. But it’s definitely not something you want to be excluded from either, because then you’ll miss out on some fun things that you actually do want to do.”

The label is not something anyone wants to have attached to them. As Emma explained, “It makes you seem like you care about

superficial things, and you only like to go to these places because they’re considered Sceney.” Katie acknowledges the hurtfulness of the word: She thinks it can be especially prejudicial—especially from certain people.

***

It’s easy to go to a downtown for a night, but if you haven’t been before, you’re not quite going to fit in.

It’s Thursday, and Recess is emptying. As a fraternity brother furiously yelled at the DJ to cut the music and the crowd starts to trickle out, a friend drunkenly strolls up, and as she waits for her friend to catch up, she whispers, “I fucking hate being here, and you can quote me on that.” *NOTE: Names have been changed for anonymity.

Brandon Slotkin is a senior in the College studying Politics, Philosophy and Economics. He is the Entertainment Editor for Street.

F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

VICE & VIRTUE

A WRAP UP ON WRAPPING IT UP So that you don't need to linger in CVS like an awkward teenager.

Did it hold up? Yes. Final thoughts: "We laughed the whole time."

This condom can be the Halloween costume your penis never had—it makes it look like a light saber.

3. 576 SENSATIONS The claim: "Every 576 Sensations™ condom features almost 600 individual pleasure intensifiers that work together to excite and stimulate like no other condom."

First impression: Looks like normal condom, but feels like braille.

How it felt during sex: "It felt like there was sand

Join us for brunch at

4. ZERO THIN The Claim: "ZERO condoms are 25% thinner than ONE's standard condoms, so you can feel closer to your partner than ever before.

ONE has also added some extra room at the base and tip for maximum comfort, and a secure fit in the middle so you can push your sexual

THE

Every Saturday & Sunday from 11am - 3pm

where no sand has gone before." Translation: Dick felt like it was covered in sandpaper.

Did it hold up? Yes. Final thoughts: "Never again. Things are irritated."

EC O

S

$3 Bloody Marys & Mimosas from 11am - 1pm 4000 Spruce Street • (215) 382-1330 1 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

limits with confidence. This condom is so advanced, you'll barely know it's there!"

First impression: It did seem thinner than a normal condom, but the size ratio was off. Unless our tester was just well–endowed.

How it felt during sex: Better than a normal condom.

Did it hold up? Yes. Final thoughts: Felt the most natural since it's so thin, but our male tester still felt a little cramped.

ER

2. GLOWING PLEASURES The claim: "Expose to light for 30 seconds for up to half an hour of glowing fun. Glowing Pleasures™ are made using non–toxic phosphorous pigment layered between thin layers of latex."

(Ed. note: Only whip this one out if your partner will be fine to take a 30–second break from the foreplay and stare at your condom while it gains its bioluminescence.)

First impression: "Definitely glows in the dark."

How it felt during sex: "Kind of weird. Every time he went in and out you would see it glow."

EN T

1. FLAVOR WAVES The claim: Six unique flavors for a variety of delicious experiences: Chocolate Strawberry, Island Punch, Fresh Mint, Bubblegum, Mint Chocolate and Banana Split. Our testers tried out Chocolate Strawberry.

First impression: "Bright red and smells great. Tasted like cherry though." False advertising!

How it felt during sex: "Great because of all of the ~extra lubrication~."

Did it hold up? Yes. Final thoughts: "Pleasant and fun, and didn't leave any sugary residue. Definitely would give it another go."

ND MILE C

TH RIFT STORE

Clothing, appliances, books, furniture, household items, and more!

Monday–Saturday 10AM–8PM

214 South 45th Street (Between Locust & Walnut) 215.662.1663

To donate, call 215.662.1663

www.TheSecondMileCenter.com

MOREGASM VICE & VIRTUE

Every year the UPenn V–Day Campaign hosts a representative to give from the popular New York City sex shop, Babeland (word has it Beyoncé and Jay–Z shop there). The Babeland ambassador dishes out sex–positive, female–friendly advice for getting it on. This year we at Street sent three reporters to learn about G–spots, frenulums and everything in between, because fuck binaries.

Drunk

My night started minutes before the event when I realized that I had not a drop of alcohol in my apartment. Luckily, I managed to find a flask in a box in the corner of my room, unopened since last summer. Good thing whiskey doesn’t go bad. I took a swig and stuck in my pocket. The night was off to a good start.

I walked into the event, where a lively woman was telling us to use ‘I’ statements when voicing our preferences. She advised us to make a list of sex acts that we would say yes, no and maybe to. She included a story about a girl that pulled up a Google Doc of her list in bed. I wondered how a guy would react if I brought that up. “Hold on a sec, this is great, I just want you to look at this one thing.”

I can’t say that my intoxication level really affected my perception of the event. Given my tendency to go on drunken feminist rants, it honestly felt all too natural. The woman was blithely straightforward and clearly adept at talking about topics that would otherwise have been awkward. She didn’t say anything that I didn’t already know, but it was probably helpful for those who aren’t quite as avid a Googler as I am. Although to be fair, I did not know that you could reach the G–spot through the butt. You won that one, Babeland.

That being said, I think the most important takeaway was not any specific information, but getting people more using the dialogue necessary for sexual communication. Hearing a woman assert, “What guy doesn’t want to know how to fuck you better?” helps break the culture of sexual passivity among women.

Where I saw the most room for improvement was in the attendance. I noticed a total of three men in the room, and my experience as a hetero–woman has led me to conclude that straight men are the ones that most needed to hear this talk. Is it too much to ask for a Key and Peele–style cunnilingus intervention? Why do I doubt that most guys have ever spent an afternoon scouring Cosmopolitan magazine for tips on how to give head? It was a great event, and I think empowering women to recognize

If your Friday–night hookup pulls out a Google Doc during sex, you'll know why.

their own needs is the first step. But for the love of pussy, straight men, get your asses to a Moregasm event.

Drunk rant over.

High

There’s nothing like an hour of sex–positive conversation to remind me of how terrible all of my formal, public school sex–education has been. Throughout the entire event, I keep entering a strange meditative state filled with disgruntled thoughts about ~society~ only focusing on cis–male pleasure when it comes to sex. I’m realizing that even when intoxicated, I take no off–days when it comes to thinking angry thoughts about the heteropatriarchy. Just as well.

The event itself is fun and engaging. The Babeland sales rep is an upbeat, pleasant woman who is utterly comfortable with rattling off synonyms for genitals while explaining the function of a particular sex toy or act. Even though I know it’s part of her job, I’m still impressed. I privately wonder if there’ll ever be a day I’ll be cool with saying “cock” without feeling like I’m in a cheesy porno.

The rep touches on a wide range of maneuvers to get the biggest bang for your buck. One suggestion: If you’re in cowgirl (or “cow–person,” the term she said we should be using so it's not so gendered) position, arch your hips forward. Good things will come. I try to focus on her other recommendations but accidentally zone in and out during inopportune moments. There are three separate points where I tune back in, confused to to see her holding a giant model of a vagina. I’m not really following what’s going on, but I think I support it.

Overall, Moregasm wasn’t full of mind–blowing sex revelations, but it also wasn’t meant to be. It was an hour of fun and funny dialogue which empowered everyone to take greater control of what they want for themselves in the bedroom.

At the end of the day, Moregasm is there to remind everyone of this: everyone who wants good sex should be having good sex.

Wake up America.

Sober

Today, I learned, that, holy shit, people get creative when it comes to sex. Also, sex toys have really creative names (Succulent Blossom). Seriously. I didn't even understand how some of these sex toys were supposed to work. That is, until Leah,

our friendly next–door Babeland representative explained them to us.

Anyway, I came to the event because of a conversation I had with my mother (of course, besides loving the V–Day Movement). She told me that she didn't understand why VagMons would throw an event at which a sex shop brand ambassador would sell sex toys. Though I didn't admit it, I knew the reason deep down why; it was the reason why I couldn’t admit it in the first place. Women’s sexuality is crazy repressed. I couldn’t tell my mom: "Hey, vibrators are empowering for women in a society where we are supposed to be prudes on the streets and freaks in the sheets."

It’s important to have these conversations because women aren’t always in charge of their own pleasure—whether with themselves, or with a partner.

Props to the V–day Movement for making it such a front and center dialogue. Having vibrators, dildos and miscellanea (if they are for you and you feel comfortable with them) is important, because, well, you learn what you want and what you don’t want.

You become the captain of your boat, and you learn how to rock the shit out of it. You don’t depend on anyone else to do it. You shouldn't depend on anyone else! Though sex, of course, is a two way street. But it's also important for you to know how to have sex with yourself so that you know exactly what you want, as well as what you feel comfortable with giving.

Thus, besides talking about female masturbation, Leah drove home a really important point throughout her conference: Conversations about pleasure with your sexual partners are also important. No matter what sex toy you’re using with them (or aren’t), your partners need to be on the same page as you. Be open about your pleasure and your preferences.

F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

VICE & VIRTUE

TWO GIRLS WALK INTO A BAR...

We don't claim to be beer aficionados by any means, and we won’t pretend our beer experiences didn’t begin with 40s of Hurricanes at high school basement parties. But when we realized there’s more out there than just Natty, we decided to take a stab at the sexist stereotype that beer is a boy’s drink. We made our way over to William Street Common to try out their new, shockingly affordable drink menu (all beers and cocktails are $3). Here’s what we tried, as per the bartender’s recommendations, and our inexperienced reactions.

Street taste–tests William Street Common’s new $3 drink special.

AUTOCRAT COFFEE MILK STOUT – 5.3%

Narragansett Tastes like boozy, foamy espresso. Coffee flavor is strong and bitter on the first sip, but then the flavor gets more subtle. It won’t wake you up like a vodka–Red Bull, but still reminds us of the caffeine we’re so severely addicted to.

WITSUN ALE – 6.2% Arcadia Though not a cider, the Witsun Ale tastes alarmingly similar to apple juice. We mean that in the best way. It’s light and refreshing, not too sweet but perfectly tangy.

BABY GOT HOPS IPA – 7.1% Manayunk Brewing Company Truly a no fluff beer. If you want a good beer with no frills that isn’t messing around, get this.

As the name would suggest, this beer is full, round and hoppy.

PUMPKIN ALE – 4.8% Susquehanna Less pumpkin, more butterscotch. It was sweet in the aftertaste, and honestly belongs in The Three Broomsticks (if you don’t get that reference, bye). If you want to try a dessert–y beer to share with some friends, this might be the one.

HOLIDAY CHEER – 5.4% Shiner Bock The bartender described it as “pecans and peaches, like, you know, Christmas in Texas.” We nodded and pretended like we knew exactly what she meant, even though we had no idea.

The second we tried it though, it all made sense. Not light in color, but light in taste, the beer was cheery and brightened up our night. Though our novice palates might not have picked out those pecan and peach notes on our own, we definitely found them and couldn’t have phrased it better.

HOUSE SANGRIA – apple cider + rye whiskey + port wine Bonus: the bartender told us we had to try the sangria, and since all the cocktails are also $3, we had no reason to say no (not that we really would’ve anyways). The boozy apple cider brought us back to drinking away our sorrows this time last semester, when the pre–Thanksgiving break blues were getting us down. We really wanted to drink it next to a fire while wrapped in a blanket. But the cozy, wooden interior of William Street Common was a fine alternative.

DINA ZARET AND JULIE LEVITAN

1 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

FILM & TV

PROFESSORS DISH ON THEIR FAVORITE TV SHOWS, MOVIES AND 2016 OSCAR PICKS Caroline Connolly

Gail Shister

All–time favorite movies: 1. The Bridges of Madison County: "Beautiful and poignant. Just watch it, I promise it's worth it. I thought it was going to be lame too, but you'll be hard–pressed to not ugly–cry."

2. The Graduate: "Dustin Hoffman trapped in the life of an adult, sometimes involving scuba gear. He's so awkward and impulsive, yet women love him? Must be the cawwr."

All–time favorite movies: 1. Godfather: "A flawless masterwork."

2. Godfather II: "See above."

3. Streetcar Named Desire: "Brilliant cast; extraordinary writing. I've probably seen it 50 times."

Associate Director of Undergraduate Studies in the Psychology Department

All–time favorite TV shows: 1. Breaking Bad: "Whoever wrote articles about this on your site did a stellar job."

2. The Wire: "I still manage to make references to this in PSYC001."

3. 30 Rock: "Tina Fey at her best."

Favorite on–air TV shows: 1. Girls: "Observant and clever. How many self–involved people can you fit

We asked because you didn't.

Cultural Studies and Criticism Professor in the Critical Writing Program

All–time favorite TV shows: 1. Sopranos: "Nothing like it, before or since. A masterpiece."

2. West Wing: "Aaron Sorkin at his finest. A president you could trust." in one tv show? Apparently very many!"

2. Peaky Blinders: "Cillian Murphy is a disturbingly violent criminal, but you still root for him. It must be because he's so dreamy."

Oscar picks: "Apparently Spotlight is going to take it all, but I haven't seen it!"

Favorite on–air TV shows: 1. Law & Order: SVU: "An addiction, I admit it. What are you going to do, arrest me?"

2. Orange is the New Black: "Sisterhood behind bars. Who knew?"

Oscars Picks: 1. Best Picture: Brooklyn

YOUR OSCARS DRINKING GAME

2. Best Director: The Revenant 3. Best Actor: Michael Fassbender for Steve Jobs 4. Best Actress: Charlotte Rampling for 45 Years 5. Best Supporting Actor: Sylvester Stallone for Creed 6. Best Supporting Actress: Kate Winslet for Steve Jobs

Finish your drink if Leo actually wins.

The 88th Annual Academy Awards is the biggest event of the year in Hollywood. Because the hottest stars and lucky attendees won’t be drinking or eating as they sit in the Dolby Theater, here’s a way to do the drinking for them.

Take a sip: When Chris Rock notes this is his second time hosting the Oscars.

He’s back, and even though the Time dubbed him in 2005 as one of the worst award show hots, it looks like the Academy is giving him a second chance.

Take a sip: When Chris notes the lack of diversity in the Oscar pool.

After the #OscarsSoWhite controversy and pressure on him to bail, the comedian can use his opening monologue as a time to address (the lack of) diversity in Hollywood…

He’s calling it the "White BET Awards". In 2005, he became the first African American to host the Oscar. Take a sip when he mentions this too.

Take a sip: Every time the camera cuts to Leonardo

DiCaprio looking thirsty for the Oscar.

He’s brought home the Globe and several other recognitions for his leading role in The Revenant. This will be his fifth Oscar nomination, and many think he is finally going to get it.

Finish your drink if he does.

Take a sip: When Election 2016 is mentioned.

With Donald Trump taking the lead in the Republican Primaries and Hillary and Sanders battling it out in the Democratic Party, this election is going to be one for the books. Tina Fey is presenting, and as she is known for her Sarah Palin impression, take a sip if she reenacts Palin’s endorsement for Trump too.

Take a sip: When winner of Best Actress in Leading Role mention women’s rights.

When Taylor Swift took home Best Album of the Year at the Grammy’s two weeks ago, she found a way to weave in a message of female empowerment.

As sexism is a hot topic in Hollywood right now, don’t be surprised if you hear mentions of feminism and women’s rights more than once…in fact, take a sip anytime it comes up.

Take a sip: If someone slams Kanye.

TSwift didn’t just mention women’s rights, she dissed Kanye West, too. Take a sip when their feud is brought up.

Take a sip: Every time The Revenant wins an Oscar.

The Revenant leads the Oscar pool with a total of twelve noms. Word is that it’s going to take home Best Picture

alongside many of its other nominations (#TeamLeo).

Take a sip: Every time someone thanks God. Yes, taking home the respected Oscar can feel like a blessing. After years of hard work, it’s finally paid off. Baruch Hashem.

Take a sip: Every time someone cries while giving his or her speech.

Yes, it is an emotional undertaking. Winners are filled and overcome with joy…let the tears flow.

Take a sip: If you’re moved (emotionally or physically) by Lady Gaga’s performance.

She killed it at the Grammy’s, and she’s up for Best Original Song, “Til It Happens to You,” from The Hunting Ground. Knowing Gaga, it will

be a performance to remember.

Take a sip: If Straight Outta Compton gets a shout out getting nominated.

Straight Outta Compton got snubbed without a single nomination for the Golden Globes, which added fuel to the lack of diversity in Hollywood. For the Oscars, it managed to grab a nomination for Best Original Screenplay.

HALLIE BROOKMAN

F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

FILM & TV

THE MAKING OF "A WAR": AN INTERVIEW WITH DIRECTOR TOBIAS LINDHOLM The Danish director talks about his Oscar–nominated film.

As the Academy Awards approach, everyone's paying attention to A War, one of the Best Picture nominees and the official submission from Denmark. Tobias Lindholm, the movie's director, took my phone call to discuss his third feature film. The two–hour drama follows the protagonist, Claus Pedersen, through his stationing in Afghanistan and subsequent return to Denmark, where he is tried for misconduct during war.

Woven through the film are scenes of his wife and children at home, as his wife grows tired and anxious sleeping in bed alone, and their children grow difficult and petulant.

“It was important to not only show the explosion but the result of the explosion.

And that result echoes all the way back to Denmark in this story,” explains Lindholm, as

he describes the way humanity is often veiled in combat films.

This foreign focus on a war that America was engaged in helps to bring new meaning to our own occupation and its effects at home. There’s an American tendency to shroud the secondary repercussions of war in heroism and depicted brutality, which is an approach that characterizes movies like Saving Private Ryan and American Sniper. Without engaging the emotional and political messages of these two films, both remarkably fail to explore the costs of war on the home front (save for the tiny prologue and epilogue in Saving Private Ryan). And as it seems, this focus on the formal action and processes of war has become the present standard.

Expanding on the way that

Come and get all your hotpot / 火锅

春节快乐!

Asia Supermarket | 143 N 11th St 1 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

this emphasis affects how films are shot, Lindholm explains, “In some war films, the camera can see it all and never gets shot.

By placing the camera out there in the crossfire, and not being scared of it, we admit to the audience that this is not dangerous and it’s all fake.” This type of shooting films the explosions and firefights from several different points of view, never establishing a perspective for the audience. This centers attention on the violence and brutality playing out on screen, which is an effect different from what Lindholm hoped to achieve with the camerawork in A War. “Putting the cinematographer just behind the soldiers and forcing him to duck when the bullets start flying helps the audience to realize that this is a dangerous place to be. I want to give the audience an emotional connection to what it has been like serving down there [in Afghanistan] instead of being fascinated by the cinematography of war.”

In focusing his movie on the civilian consequences of war, Lindholm also strove to make it apolitical. “I felt that we needed to show in a human way, not a political way, the echoes of war. It’s not just in Afghanistan, it’s back

in our home countries,” he notes. “I’m not a soldier. I’m a proud father of three kids and have a great wife and when I leave to do films I miss them.

Even though my life is not in danger I feel the negative results of me not being there.

Multiply that times 500 and it might feel like what it is to have your spouse go to war.”

The aim was not necessarily to moralize Denmark’s military presence in Afghanistan, but rather to open a Danish dialogue about the wounds that this political decision may have opened. “I’m a Dane and with the films I do I always aim for a Danish mark.

For me it was important to show the Danish people and the consequences of the political decision of sending soldiers to war.” As the first war that the country has fought since World War II, this war has important generational significance for the people of his country. “I wanted to place the main character in the role that Denmark is in right now and we are caught

in our own backyard and we need to sit down and figure out what we’ve been part of.”

Drawing inspiration from films like Restrepo, The Hurt Locker, The Deer Hunter and Paths of Glory, Lindholm wanted to make an intentionally morally ambiguous picture for maximum audience introspection. “I wanted the audience to feel torn, to feel separated. We have democracy and what can we allow and what can we accept, and you have to take your punishment.

Hopefully that has reminded the average news viewer on his couch that it’s really easy to be judgmental and to think twice before you know what to do in certain situation.”

As students who were growing up during the American occupation of Afghanistan, and who have spent our later years flooded with its criticisms, it's refreshing to see such an emotive portrait of a country just as invested in the struggle as the United States is.

NICK JOYNER

ARTS

THE BLACK SHOW

AT THE ICA

The first thing you see as you enter the ground floor gallery of the Institute of Contemporary Art is a black tarp mounted on a white wall. Welcome to Rodney McMillian’s “The Black Show.”

The hole in the middle of the tarp is reminiscent of a fresh wound, filled with shiny black paint. Cracks emanate from it, implying that it will expand, swallowing the tarp and perhaps eventually the whole room.

Turn around, and three– dimensional black lungs bulge out towards you from a black frame. One is partially deflated.

The gallery is full of art of different mediums, all with only one obvious thing in common: the color black.

A television screen, suspended in the air, shows a room completely devoid of light except for that shining on a mask and pair of hands.

The person wearing the mask seems to be threatening to advance toward the viewer, a terrifying premonition that, in the five minutes I stood there, never came to fruition.

Another television screen shows black people dancing. A curtain cuts into the space, decorated with what looks like something Jackson Pollack might paint if asked to depict a forest. The most prominent color on it is black. This curtain creates a new space.

Behind the curtain, there is a speaker, bench and image projected on the wall. It shows an amateur video of a walk towards a run–down house. The person behind

the camera breathes loudly, stumbling around to the point where it makes me kind of nauseated. Eventually, he makes his way through a dirty, unlivable house and places the camera on a steady surface (to my great relief ).

A black man emerges, sits down on a chair and commences reading aloud from a big, dusty book of Winnie the Pooh. He seems to think that there is an audience of children on the floor behind the lens of the camera—he looks downwards and even pauses to show the pictures—but there is only me, the viewer, sitting on a bench in the ICA. The story is about Eeyore, the gloomy donkey, losing his tail, and Winnie the Pooh, the silly old bear, finding it.

The story is nonsensical and profoundly non–nonsensical all at once. Pooh goes to visit wise old Owl, based on the logic that, “If anyone knows anything about anything, it's Owl who knows something about something, or my name's not Winnie the Pooh. Which it is. So there you are.” He arrives and rings the bell with the bell rope, and then asks Owl what he ought to do to find Eeyore’s tail. Owl suggests they “issue a reward,” which he has to say a few times as Pooh claims that Owl “sneezed just as you were going to tell me.” After a long argument about whether or not the word “issue” is a sneeze, Owl shows Pooh his brand new bell rope—the same one that Pooh rang in order to enter the house. It reminds Pooh of something, but he can’t think what. Then he remembers that it belongs

Not quite what you would expect.

STEPH BARRON

to his friend Eeyore and that it must be returned because he is fond of it.

“Fond of it?” Owl asks.

“Attached to it,” says Pooh, sadly.

Given the title of this exhibit and the current political climate within the art community, I was waiting for a blatant political message to be shoved down my throat—but it never came. Instead, I interpreted from it a juxtaposition. The first two pieces—the black hole in the tarp and the black lungs—seem to imply, quite obviously, human mortality and insignificance. The messy and childlike streaks and blots that cover the curtain imply that chaos and randomness

can go hand– in–hand with such insignificance. These are all big and pretentious ideas, the kind that every art reporter hopes to deduce in an exhibit they’re reviewing. Yet the projection the curtain houses depicts a reading from a book famously enjoyed both by children for its silliness and by adults for its acute wit. It evokes nostalgia in the viewer, which is perhaps the polar opposite to the existential crisis evoked by the pieces on the outside of the curtain.

And so I left having had an experience representative of the human experience. If this was the goal, then I would say the exhibit was a success.

Though I have to say, it did seem rather pointless.

The UPS Store

WE LOVE PENN TOO. PENN STUDENT DISCOUNT: 10% off products & services*. *Except postage & storage.

ALWAYS. 3720 Spruce St. | Philadelphia, PA 19104 | TheUPSStoreLocal.com/2473 F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

ARTS

PRAISE FOR THE PENNSOUND PROJECT If you've ever gone to a Kelly Writers House poetry event, you might not have noticed the staff member on the left of the Arts Café recording the entire experience with a camera and a microphone. Yet, in the contemporary world of poetry, it might be one of the most profound and innovative things that is happening. Right here on campus, nuzzled between windy Locust Bridge and the industrial high–rises, a poetry revolution is on its way. The KWH community's fantastic programming is known for having offerings beyond the old–fashioned ways of your high school English teacher who made you read Ralph Waldo Emerson and the transcendentalist troupe from a dusty paperback book. One of these projects is PennSound, sponsored by the Center for Programs in Contemporary Writing.

Two English faculty members have ensured the preservation and distribution of the words of the poets who come to read at the Writers House. In collaboration with the CPCW, Al Filreis and Charles Bernstein created PennSound in 2005—an online archive that digitizes a diverse collection of voices and ideas to make poetry accessible to not only Penn students, but also the general public. It has gained Penn and the Kelly Writers House international recognition for celebrating a diverse array of poets and for bringing poetry into the digital age.

PennSound is the largest collection of poetry sound files on the internet. As of 2016, the website offers more than 60,000 full length and single–poem recordings. Every library catalogue entry (i.e. recording) is made into an mp3 file, available for public download.

Embedded metadata includes bibliographic information and key facts about the recording, such as the author, title, place and date of the recording, along with

1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016

It's like Spotify, but for poetry.

MADISON BELL–ROSOF & SYRA ORTIZ–BLANES

a copyright. PennSound attracts an estimated 15 million downloads a month, and it has become a tool which many poets preserve their work.

Last Thursday evening, Street witnessed a performance by the two most recent artists to have their work recorded by PennSound. With two laptops and a projector screen, musician Andrew Whiteman and filmmaker Adrienne Amato gave audiences a glimpse into Sonic Poetry—a poetic style that uses a mash–up of voice recordings, music beats and video to create a multi–sensory experience. Whiteman, originally a bass guitar player, realized that with today’s technology, “music starts to come out of your laptop.”

He and Amato began to work together in basements, and said that after 20 years, “it was about time we started a band.” Amato attributed their ease of working together and their harmony to this longtime friendship and collaboration. She explained that this really helped when they are in the process of selecting video and audio for their mashups.

Amato first compiles imagery and videos using a computer program called Module 8, which she then sends to Whiteman. Whiteman then creates a series of beats to play along during the performance. The rest is decided during the performance itself: the music composition is improvised, as is the organization of the images that complement the audio. The final product includes source poems from poets such as Lorenzo Thomas and Anne Waldman—poets who would ordinarily never be read in the same book or class. This result in a social and political commentary through "investigative poetry.”

Whiteman and Amato’s work speaks to the very mission of PennSound: to utilize technology to change the way that poetry is both created and distributed. For example, an image of a train on the projector screen appears in a kaleidoscope effect. Amato says this is because she wants the audience to experience

different ways of perceiving a familiar image, and not take for granted its different angles and possibilities.

In the same way, PennSound presents a different way to experience art. It is a place of "convergence for the reader–listener and the poetic tradition," explains Filreis in a 2006 PennSound podcast.

PennSound also helps poets work on their craft.

Filreis states in the same podcast that it "must also be observed that the new availability of recordings... can remind poets of their influences." He cites as an example of how, upon hearing recordings of the modernist Ezra Pound, a Penn alumnus helped a contemporary poet observe new tendencies in Pound's poetry as well as his own. Additionally, PennSound has great pedagogical value: Professors and teachers all over the world are given the materials to engage in the classroom.

In many occasions, poetry is meant to be heard, yet spoken words are lost forever as soon as they are said. PennSound makes sure that this isn't the case.

Whether you are a lover of poetry or not, this project deserves your attention. It's like Poetry Spotify— except instead of ads, you get literary criticism from some of the brightest literary minds of the 20th and 21st centuries.

HOW DOES IT WORK? Every library catalogue entry is made into an mp3 file, with relevant bibliographical information embedded into each file as metadata. Since at the moment of download, each file will be separated from the original home library, the information on the website itself will not necessarily be retrievable (even if the URL for the catalogue can be embedded into the mp3). The metadata will ensure that the source information is retained, and that the poet's original creation will remain in the context in which first made in.

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

LOWBROW FILM FILM FILM

34 3434

ST STST

BEST WAYS TO COPE WITH THEPAY DO DO DOYOU YOU YOU PAY PAYPER PER PERVIEW? VIEW? VIEW?

How How How P

WINTER WEATHER TT T

Film Film Film polled polled polled you you you totofitond fifind nd out out out how how how you you you are are are getting getting getting your your your Sunday Sunday Sunday afternoon afternoon afternoon BYBY ANTHONY BYANTHONY ANTHONY KHAYKIN KHAYKIN KHAYKIN movie movie movie fixes. fifixes. xes.

Here’s Here’s Here’s what what what wewe we learned. learned. learned.

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

it's cold outside. hough hough hough wewe all weall know allknow know thethe thewatch watch watch Hugo Hugo Hugo inBaby in theaters. intheaters. theaters.

And And And weweweyou you you guess guess guess then then then that that that Penn Penn Penn stustustu47.7% 47.7 47 Internet Internet Internet is isfor is forfor porn porn pornfit fithis tfithis t this mold mold mold of of overworked ofoverworked overworked IvyIvy Ivydents dents dents would would would prefer prefer prefer to to get toget their gettheir their (thanks (thanks (thanks Avenue Avenue Avenue Q),Q), Q), thethe theLeague League League students students students well, well, well, with with with only only onlyRomCom RomCom RomCom fixfionline xfixonline online with with with freefree free Only hang out with Buy the newest Wear the streaming skin you shed bedroom bedroom bedroom is no isisno longer nolonger longer thethe the only only onlyabout about about 17% 17% 17% of of Penn ofPenn Penn undergrads undergrads undergrads streaming streaming websites websites websites like like like SideReel SideReel SideReel area area area being being being ceded ceded ceded to to digital todigital digital territerriterri-watching watching watching movies movies movies at the atatthe Rave theRave Rave evevev-and and and Ch131 Ch131 Ch131 rather rather rather than than than paypay pay forforfor your warm friends Canada Goose earlier this year tory. tory. tory.

For For For every every every girl girl with girl with with daddy’s daddy’s daddy’s ery ery semester. ery semester. semester. services services services provided provided provided by by Netfl by Netfl Netfl ix and ix ixand and Sure, your cold friends are always there Look stylish while fending You’re in college now.

You shed your skin.

No need AmEx, AmEx, AmEx, window window window browsing browsing browsing on on on But But But how how how about about about the the other the other other stestesteRedbox?

Redbox?

Redbox? for you, but they’re off–limits the off mother nature’s icy toone bethat embarrassed. that sexy Fifth Fifth Fifth Avenue Avenue Avenue has been hasbeen been replaced replaced replaced reotype, reotype, reotype, thethe one theone that that says says says all all colallcolcol-Wear While While While 75% 75% 75% ofexoskeleton of usofus watch uswatch watch movmovmovmonths ofhas December through March. wrath! This new coat catchproudly; moulting is so in right now. with with with online online online shopping. shopping. shopping.

And And And lege lege lege students students students are are poor? are poor? poor?

The The The free free free ies ies online, ies online, online, nearly nearly nearly 50% 50% 50% pay pay pay for forfor es on fire when temperaBring your toothFYEs FYEs FYEs everywhere everywhere everywhere have have have virtuvirtuvirtumovement movement movement of of information of information information made made made it. it.

I it. hear I I hear hear Horrible Horrible Horrible Bosses Bosses Bosses — — a — a a Why Why Why dod tures dip below 45 degrees.

Book amakes GSR ally ally ally been been been rendered rendered rendered useless useless useless (pun (pun (pun possible possible possible by by the by the interweb the interweb interweb makes makes new new new release release release on on iTunes on iTunes iTunes — — is — hysis is hyshys3.1% 3.1% 3.1% The best part? It only costs paste with you We’re pretty sure they have fireplaces interical, those. intended) intended) intended) with with with the the the existence existence existence of of of terical, terical, but but is but is is $9,999.99 (plus tax)!

Whose Whose recommendations recommendations recommendations do do you doyou take? youtake? take? thethe multifarious themultifarious multifarious iTunes iTunes iTunes store. store. store. Whose it it worth itworth worth thethe the everywhere 25% 25% 25% 50 50 50 Things Things Things are are no are no different no different different here here here 1.5 1.5 1.5 salads salads salads at at at 47.7% 47.7% 47.7% Pick up a nasty Other Other Other Little–known fact: the chemicals in at atPenn, atPenn, Penn, where where where thethe the Rave Rave Rave gets gets gets Sweetgreen Sweetgreen Sweetgreen 40% 40% 40% toothpaste insulate it better than any 40 40 40 A Friend A Friend A Friend nearly nearly nearly half half half thethe the traffi traffi traffi c for c cforfor thethe the it it it would would would cigarette habit other substance in the world.

Always keep Cinema Cinema Cinema Studies Studies Studies 25% 25% 25 midnight midnight midnight screenings screenings screenings of of blockof blockblockhave have have cost cost cost if if if 30 30 30 Major Major Major It may be frigid outside, but smoking a pack a day 26.2% 26.2% 25% 25% 25% 25% 25% 25% your favorite brand handy for when you need 26.2% buster buster buster hits hits hits like like like Twilight Twilight Twilight as Hulu as as Hulu Hulu I had I I had had seen seen seen it it it Professor Professor Professor or TAor or TA TA will keep those lungs nice and toasty! College is a a warm snack tothe freshen up your breath. does does does the the dayday day after after after thethe the newest newest newest 20 20 20 in inin theaters? theaters? theaters?

Street Street Street time for experimenting, so why not kill two birds episode episode episode of of 30 of 30 Rock 30 Rock Rock airs. airs. airs.

This This This Ramen Ramen Ramen noonoonoo10 10 10 *Students *Students *Students surveyed surveyed surveyed werewere were with one stone and stay warm too? allowed allowed allowed to choose to choose to more choose more moredles makes makes makes sense. sense. sense.

WeWe We Penn Penn Penn students students students dles dles aren’t aren’t aren’t es es seven esseven seven mov m thanthan onethan option. oneone option. option.

Hug arethe first person you are are tootoo too busy busy busy procrastinating procrastinating procrastinating 0 0 0 that that that bad, bad, bad, I I Ievery every every semester semes sem on Penn onPenn Penn InTouch InTouch InTouch and and and designdesigndesignguess. guess. guess. tictic proves ticproves proves that Get a hoverboard see on when you go outside ing ing ing funny funny funny lacrosse lacrosse lacrosse pinnies pinnies pinnies for for for entertainment entertainment entertainment accessible accessible accessible and and and The The The average average average Penn Penn Penn student student student to to watch to watch watch said sas They catch on fire nowadays (Ed. note: Just like the Hold onto him/her as long as you can. Do not let the the the clubs clubs clubs we’re we’re we’re involved involved involved in in to in to to inexpensive inexpensive inexpensive to to anyone to anyone anyone with with with an an an (who (who (who is anything is is anything anything but but but average, average, average, if if if than than than at at the at the th R coats!) No wonder they’re so popular. go. leave leave leave thethe comfort thecomfort comfort of of our ofour our beds beds beds to totoAirPennNet AirPennNet AirPennNet account. account. account.

Wouldn’t Wouldn’t Wouldn’tyou you you askask Amy askAmy Amy Gutmann) Gutmann) Gutmann) watchwatchwatch-tional tional tional $20 $20 $20 les of of popcorn ofpopcorn popcor an notnot not included includ inclu LOWBROW IS AS FAKE AS THE ATTENtions). tions). tions).

The The Th lo ing ing seven ing seven seven mov m TION DEFICIT DISORDER YOU CLAIMED lessless less than than than 3030 b TO HAVE TO GET YOUR ADDERAL SCRIP. many many many conven conv con paid paid paid services service servi inging ing interrupt interru inter buffering buffering buffering and a immunity immunity immunity to and and and most most most imp im inging ing to towait towai w watching watching watching 7272 m onon Megavideo onMegavid Megav Not Not Not to to me tom price price price to to pay topapw Dine-In, Dine-In, Dine-In, Catering Catering Catering &&Delivery &Delivery Delivery thethe big thebig picture bigpict pic savings savings savings of of the of Happy Happy Happy Hour: Hour: Hour: Mon-Fri Mon-Fri Mon-Fri 5-7 5-7 5-7 students students students who wh wp there’s like a 50% chance you’ll blackout services services services rather rath ra Lunch Lunch Lunch Special: Special: Special: Mon-Fri Mon-Fri Mon-Fri $8.95 $8.95 $8.95 movie movie movie theater thea the tween tween tween $196,1 $196 $19 Early Early Early Bird: Bird: Bird: Sun-Thur Sun-Thur Sun-Thur $10.95 $10.95 $10.95 depending depending dependin on (but we’re cool with that) Netfl Netfl Netfl ix ix orixor iT or Moral Moral Moral of of the ofth judge judge judge if you if ifyou yo ju $20 to enter • Show PennCard & Pay in Cash for 8% off BIG Parties up to 300 people • no corking fee • Room rentals available

215-467-1005

www.phillyiztaccihuatl.com

• 215.387.8533 • •215.387.8533 PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com 215.387.8533 • University • •University 4006 4006 4006 Chestnut Chestnut Chestnut Street Street Street University City City City

8 88 F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

*A*A*A simple simp sim of of 100 of100 100 Penn Pen P surveyed surveyed surveyed to to c their their their film film fivie lmv

LOWBROW

Snowbrow's

SNOW CONSUMPTION COLOR KEY Sometimes you just don't know, you know?

ORANGE

GREEN

This is either a highly dangerous fungus that is fatal with even the smallest amount of skin contact, or you are wearing tinted sunglasses/goggles. If you take them off and the snow is still orange then you’re either at risk for death or your eyes haven’t adjusted yet.

This snow has been touched by aliens. Don’t eat it unless you want your children to end up with seven limbs. That being said, if you’ve ever consumed Twinkies, their shelf life kind of makes you wonder if you’re at risk for this outcome anyway, so you may as well take your chances and see if you end up with some cool superpower. Let us know how it goes!

RAINBOW

You have either stumbled across a unicorn footprint or some kid dropped his snow cone. Either way you should eat it. Unicorn footprints have magical properties that solve all your problems, lead to peace on earth and make everyone in the world instantly happy, and snow cones are delicious–– you really can’t go wrong here.

RED

If this is blood, you just stumbled onto a crime scene. Do not consume the snow, as it is evidence and investigators will make you throw it up––it’s true, we saw it on a CSI episode once and CSI is law. Just sit tight and try not to disturb the rest of the crime scene. If it’s paint, well, paint has high levels of things you shouldn’t consume, but we say go for it anyway. Live a little.

YELLOW

This is pee you idiot, hasn’t anyone ever told you not to eat yellow snow?

RED & BLACK Don’t fear, you’ve merely stumbled upon the work of a Les Mis enthusiast. Chances are they were feeling symbolic and turned to Eddie Redmayne and friends to solve their problems, but needed a visual representation. However, if you use the above key, this means that blood, spray paint or both were involved so it’s in your best interest not to eat it.

Illustration by Sophie Praesgaard 2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 5 , 2 016