February 12th, 2015—The Love Issue

February 12 - 18, 2015 34st.com

HOTTEST PROFESSORS!

Which campus cutie do you study?

WEDDING LOCATIONS

Get married in Pottruck!

The REAL BRIDES of Penn

the

3 FOODS

that taste better when licked

Most eligible

BACHELORS

BLIND DATE • BOYFRIEND SWAP • SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR HOOKUP

february 12

VALENTINEFROMTHEEDITOR

2015

I lived for Valentine's Day. Everyone had to give everyone a Valentine. Each one of my Valentines--XX or XX were the best.

Accompanied by personal notes and Hershey's white chocolate kisses. When XX crush wrote his name on the From: Line. I swooned. I saved all my Valentine's day cards. I had a cabinet dedicated to my V-day cards.

I don't remember Valentine's Day past the 5th grade. 5th grade was the last year I had a Valentine. Isn't every day Valentine's Day when you're in it?

Once upon a time, I was your valentine. That time was 4th grade homeroom at the Buckingham Browne and Nichols Lower School. That was when I lived for Valentine’s Day. And I’d like to think that my classmates who received my Hershey’s Cookie ‘n Cream kisses, personal notes and Power Puff Girl Valentines.

In return, I’d get a Valentine from everyone in the class. The boys I had crushes on mostly scrawled their first name on the “from” line of a Power Rangers Valentine.

That’s when Valentine’s Day became a burden. That’s when I stopped remembering Valentine’s Day. This is the closest thing I can give you since my 5th grade valentines. Sorry Street doesn't come with lollipops.

3 HIGHBROW

round up, overheards, hottest profs

4 WORD ON THE STREET pants on fire

5 EGO

EOTW, boyfriend swap, 36 questions (revised), shades of grey

8 MUSIC

musical hook up stories, artist crushes, your week in music

11 FEATURE weddings

14 FILM

DIY movie date, lromance movie drinking games, things to watch intstead of 50 shades

16 FOOD & DRINK

blind date, drink of the week, foods you shoudl lick

18 ARTS

heart art, art of the pick up

ATTN: FRENCH TOAST CRUNCH CEREAL IS BACK AT YOUR FAVORITE GROCERY STORE AT THE CORNER OF 40TH & 'NUT. ALSO AT THE CORNER OF 4OTH & 'NUT? 34TH STREET. CONFUSING, WE KNOW.

20 LOWBROW lovebrow

23 BACKPAGE

bachelors of penn

COME TO OUR WRITERS MEETING, AND WE'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. 6:30 @ 4015.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Editor Byrne Fahey, Design Editor Corey Fader, Photo Editor Galit Krifcher, Assistant Design Holly Li, Assistant Design Amy Chen, Assistant Photo Conor Cook, Highbrow Elie Sokoloff, Highbrow Katie Hartman, Word on the Street Randi Kramer, Ego Casey Quackenbush, Ego 2

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Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Julie Levitan, Food and Drink Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Orly Greenberg, Film and TV Clare Lombardo, Features Amanda Suarez, Features Caroline Marques, Music Amanda Silberling, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Lowbrow Kimberly Lu, Backpage Mark Paraskevas, Copy Editor Sarah Fox, Copy Editor

Pat Goodridge, Copy Editor Alyssa Berlin, Marketing Director Giulia Imholte, Social Media Editor Rachel Rubin, Digital Designer Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Editor Lucy Hovanisyan, Web Producer Alex Cohn, Web Producer Mara Veitch, Web Producer COVER PHOTO: Corey Fader COVER DESIGN: Byrne Fahey FEATURE DESIGN: Ling Zhou BACKPAGE DESIGN: Galit Krifcher

Contributors:

Spencer Winston, Paola Gamarra, Ana Geoana, Zach Fox, Raquel Banks, Paige Parsons, Talia Sterman, Cole Speidel, Annie Nelson, Harley Geffner, Connor Boyle, Matt Strahan, Austin Du, Joanna Glum Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

"IT'S IN FUCK THIS SHIT REGULAR." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

HOTTEST PROFESSORS AT PENN

Is it getting hotter at Penn or is it just all these steamy professors? Highbrow has been going sans– Moncler this winter thanks to our piping–hot course load. This Valentine’s Day, we present you with a list of Penn’s finest. A+ Angela Duckworth— Tukufu Zuberi— Psychology Sociology and AfriHighbrow is super psyched to cana Studies tell you about Ms. Duckworth because we’re positive you’re gonna love her. This former Crimson professor is now a Penn–celeb who proves that hot and a Harvard education aren’t mutually exclusive.

Highbrow is crazy for this sexy professor. Zuberi is a sociologist, filmmaker, social critic, educator and writer—he even has his own Wikipedia page.

Damn, Africa(na Studies)!

Gizem Saka— Economics

Thomas Cavanna— International Relations

Studying econ may monopolize her time, but this steamy professor is in elastic demand. Not only is Ms. Saka a great teacher, but she’s also a painter. Talk about a Renaissance woman!

Can we paint you like one of your French girls?

Matthew Hayes— Nursing

Have you been sick this winter?

Mr. Hayes is here to nurse you back to health. This cutie is conducting research about nutrition and body weight regulation at Penn’s Nursing School.

We hear he has great bedside manner. And we ain't talkin' about his medical skills.

SDT JAP: I like to think my room smells like Chanel.

Swaggy sophomore: Last night I walked into Apes feeling like Diddy.

Curious young gentleman: What caste are you?

This Mr. Universe lookalike is an International Relations teacher at Penn. For you lucky students who are in his Senior Thesis Seminar, we hear that Cavanna speaks a little French.

Voulez–vous coucher avec Highbrow?

Upper East Sider: OMG. I'm not getting a job. I'm going to be poor. AND I'll have to switch to the Upper West Side.

Emily Falk— Communications

TriDelt freshman 1: I was hooking up with this boy last night...

TriDelt freshman 2: Oh, TriDelt loves Oz. TriDelt freshman 1: No, he was in A’s.

TriDelt freshman 2: Oh, TriDelt LOVES A’s.

Are you falking serious? Falk’s winsome smile makes us tingle.

This Ph.D. may study neuroscience and communications but our brain is on overload just by looking at her.

THEROUNDUP Highbrow is here to make more of a fuss than that drunk Tap House kid. While you’re sharing dinner with your special someone in a dimly–lit Italian restaurant surrounded by other awkward couples, Highbrow will be relaxing in a bed full of puppies. Check yourself: Who’s really going to have a better Valentine’s Day? Love is truly in the air. And by love, we mean gossip. Watch your back, because Cupid’s not the only one targeting you this weekend.

Speaking of watching your back, remember to look both ways before crossing the street. This weekend,

one freshman wandered into Center City after a few too many drinks.

While strolling through downtown Philly, our Penn city slicker was involved in a minor vehicular accident. We are happy to report that there were no serious injuries, but the poor soul was left with some serious scratches. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Highbrow suggests you lawyer up, baby boo.

That shit cray—ain’t it Jay? One visitor was shocked to find a male stranger in her temporary bed during a weekend stay at Penn. Apparently another member of the house

had a steamy hookup, and the guy was so intoxicated that he couldn’t find his way back to the correct bedroom. Instead, he decided to crash in what he believed to be an empty room. Not so much. The naked man was immediately woken up and questioned. Struggling to find his missing apparel, the nude fellow borrowed from the Quaker’s wardrobe and was sent home barefoot. Let's hope the cold doesn't bother him, anyway.

Some people say drinking impairs your judgment. Those people have probably been to Harvest Happy Hour. A group of inebri-

ated students dined at Harvest this past weekend and one boy dared his friend to eat a laminated menu as a joke. He proceeded to chew and swallow the menu. We wonder how the plastic feels when it exits your body. Highbrow usually swallows, but in this case we say, SPIT!

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

PANTS ON FIRE

H

BYRNE FAHEY

ow many people have you slept with?

How many people have you really slept with?

When in doubt, beef up your sex life. Or so seems to be the rule at Penn. A friend once bragged to me that he’d had sex with a pair of roommates, and only one of them knew about the other. He glanced at me after, expecting to either be lauded or topped by my own scandalous feat.

I was appropriately intimidated and spent the next five minutes racking my brain for something just as promiscuous. How could I sensationalize a very vanilla sexual history? There’s nothing porn–worthy about a bed, missionary position, and monogamy.

I briefly faltered, wondering which was worse: Lying to upgrade my sex life or telling the truth and coming off inexperienced and boring? As it turns out, those roommates were the only people my friend had slept with, bringing him to a total of two times ever having sex. When I found out the truth, I felt a wave of relief, a surge of embarrassment for him for lying, and most importantly, anger at myself for thinking that numbers even mattered in the first place.

Yet, by leaving out details, he had left me feeling sexually inadequate.

I’m not the only one. Lately, every icebreaking game of 'Never Have I Ever' that I sit through turns into a bragging session for the most risqué party goers, while others wait it out, silent and embarrassed. Every Sunday morning, I overhear students nonchalantly summarizing the weekend’s escapades, likely sprucing up the details.

A few weeks ago, my brunch pal giggled over bacon about the drunken sex she’d had the previous night, even boasting that he’d walked her home after. Later that day, she confided to another friend that they hadn't actually had sex.

As it turns out, her partner also was “sooo drunk” and suffered a debilitating case of whiskey dick.

The 4am walk home was not so much an attempt at chivalry as it was an effort to end the night as quickly as possible. I understood why my friend lied at brunch, but I wish she hadn’t felt the need to.

That same weekend, I texted my guy friend asking how his night was. “She slept over ;)” he responded, about a girl he’d been wooing for weeks.

I congratulated him without much thought.

Recently, he clarified that she had in fact just slept over—as in she fell asleep in his bed after a very PG evening. I don’t know who felt more awkward 4

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Valentine’s Day is just two days away. This week, Word on the Street is taking on Penn’s sex culture, which has a lot less to do with what you did last night and a lot more to do with what you said you did.

about my assumption.

No matter how low–key you say sex is for you, it’s still a big deal for some people. Spicing up your sex life doesn’t seem different from overplaying any other detail of your honestly mundane weekend. But this kind of bragging contributes to a harmful culture of sexual insecurity. Maybe you haven’t done it with more people than you can count. Maybe you haven’t done it in a plane, train or car. Maybe you haven’t done it sober. Maybe you haven’t done it at all. Maybe—no, definitely—you shouldn’t be ashamed of that.

It’s easy to bend the truth a little in our sex– obsessed, college lives. This is Penn—I don’t need to tell you that we’re competitive. But when we toss around numbers and places and crazy things we’ve tried (or say we've tried), just to one–up each other, we leave out the gritty details and haunting emotions. We brag about the good times and hide away the bad—pregnancy scares and STDs, broken hearts and broken virginities.

By playing up our sex lives, we downplay the act of sex itself.

Our lives can feel like an incessant competition.

Who did better on the final? Who’s taking more classes? Who drank more last weekend? Who has more likes on their profile picture? Who got a real–life job?

Of course, many of these supposed competitions have dubious value. But of all things, sex shouldn't be a competition. There are no deadlines for having it, no resumé to list past sexual experiences and (hopefully) no jobs earned. There is no way to measure who’s “winning” at sex.

Maybe it’s the guy who has drunkenly stroked, banged and scored every weekend night since NSO. Or maybe it’s the girl who’s waiting for the right partner, happily living life without a bad night on record.

Sex is a big deal. Even when we acknowledge the potentially terrifying consequences of a broken condom or an untreated infection, we often disregard the pure vulnerability of being ass–naked in front of another person. Whether it’s your first time or your five–hundredth, that’s scary.

So let’s treat sex with the reverence it deserves.

It should be safe, healthy and consensual. It shouldn’t be an expectation. It doesn’t need to be public and it doesn’t need to be bragged about.

This is not your LinkedIn profile; this is your life.

If you really have had sex under the Button, in the stacks or on a frat house pool table, props to you. Please divulge how you ended up in that situation. But to the rest of you, stop bragging.

ILLUSTRATION BY AMY CHEN

EGO

BOYFRIEND SWAP

ABC brought you Wife Swap, but in honor of Valentine's Day, Ego is bringing you the less shitty, equally as unrealistic, Boyfriend Swap. Both of the Ego editors put their professional and romantic relationships on the line, all for the sake of "journalism" (read: Distrito margaritas).

RANDI

CASEY

When we came up with boyfriend swap, I thought it was hilarious—some co–editor bonding, many margaritas and not–so–secretly manipulating our boyfriends. But when Evan and Casey sat down for their date at 8:15, and I still had half an hour before I met Sam, I got nervous. Do I put makeup on? Do I dress up?

This was the weirdest situation. But because the date was totally no pressure, Sam and I got dive right into the big stuff. Sam and I aren’t about to go running off into the sunset, but at least we can plan some adventurous double dates. Maybe the aquarium next?

I went into this date with the full intention of stealing Randi’s boyfriend. As I pregamed alone, she gave me some conversation pointers: “Tell him you heard he’s an NJB.” (Ed. note: that's Nice Jewish Boy for the WASPs among us.) I had no idea what that meant, but based on his negative reaction when I brought it up, Randi was obviously trying to sabotage me. The more I tried to drink away my embarrassment, the more fish tacos ended up in my lap. Then double shots of tequila from Randi and Sam arrived with the message, “Dont fuck with us.” Game over.

EVAN KORN Why did you agree to this?

How did you feel going into this?

Best part of the meal?

Because Randi asked me to. I’m super whipped.

I was excited, a little bit anxious. Excited particularly for free food and margaritas. I live for free food.

Sending shots to Sam and Randi for their “first anniversary.”

SAM GERSON If Christ sacrificed himself for humanity, I'd certainly do so for Street. More importantly, my girlfriend asked me to, and you never bite the hand that feeds…

Kind of how the guys who killed Bin Laden felt: the mission could have been a rousing success or an utter failure.

Realizing that the DP was about to subsidize my drinking problem. (Ed. note: This didn't happen. Lol no.)

Worst?

The unnecessary judgemental look the waiter gave me when I kept ordering margaritas.

Realizing that the frozen margarita machine still had more to give, but I didn’t.

Tell me one thing you liked about your date.

I can now add "went on a date with a Tabard girl" to my LinkedIn profile.

She liked to eat! It sounds trivial, but sharing food with another person is the most unifying act on this planet, besides of course....

Tell me one thing you disliked about your date.

Will you leave your significant other for your date?

I got nothing. She was great!

No plans to at the moment.

That she wears glasses. I mean come on Randi, are your eyes even trying?

If Randi dyes her hair blonde, takes up skiing and can avoid Casey’s unfailing ability to flail some part of her body and somehow cause me pain, then sign me up!

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855-205-0500 | universityrealtyapartments.com F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

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EGO

EGOSOF THE WEEK: ALEXIS RICHARDS & DAWN ANDROPHY

This is the Love Issue. Ego loves our vaginas. So we sat down with the co–producers of The Vagina Monologues to talk about all things vag.

Name: Alexis Richards Hometown: Morristown, NJ Age: 21 Activities: Co–Producer of The Vagina Monologues, President of Penn Fashion Collective, Finance and Fundraising Chair of ASAP (Abuse and Sexual Assault Prevention), Former Co–Editor–in–Chief of Her Campus UPenn, AXO Major: Communications, Minor: Consumer Psychology

Name: Dawn Androphy Hometown: St. Louis Age: 21 Activities: Vagina Monologues CoProducer, Lambda Alliance (Former Chair for 2 years), PENNacle Pre–Orientation Leader, Carriage Senior Society Major: American History

Street: Can you tell us something that we don’t know about VagMons?

Dawn Androphy: There’s a real community that we try to build. A lot of girls come to every single Sunday meeting, and they’re just as much part of our movement as a girl who has one of largest monologues in the show.

AR: Those who can get it and those who can’t.

DA: Those who wear the vagina suit and those who wish they could.

Street: Can you tell us something that we don’t know about vaginas?

DA: That's Alexis’ thing.

Alexis Richards: I love vaginas. I’m all about them.

Did you know that there are like 2–4 times the amount of nerve endings in the clitoris than there are in the penis?

How awesome is that? (Ed. note: We checked, the clitoris has at least 8,000 and the penis only 4,000. Awesome, indeed.)

Street: If your house is on fire, what item of clothing would you save from your closet?

AR: Oh my god, that is an awfully hard question.

DA: The obvious answer is all of our Vagina Monologues sweatshirts!

AR: I’ll be honest, it’s probably my white fur coat. It’s really important to me. It was my first foray into absurd coat–dom. It’s this big scraggly white thing and it’s not real fur—it couldn’t be real fur. We call it the beast.

Street: Speaking of, does your vagina have a name?

AR: She’s multi-faceted. So some days her name could be Agnes, but other days, she’s Consuela. She changes. Sometimes she’s hiding. Today, though, she’s happy.

Street: What’s your vagina’s name today?

AR: It’s Princess Conseula Bananahammock, only because, you know, Phoebe from Friends? Today, in particular, I’m feeling a little crazy.

Street: Fill in the blank, there are two kinds of people at Penn…

6

Street: Describe yourself in three words.

AR: Women’s Center naps.

DA: Opinionated, diligent, caring.

Street: What’s the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to you in bed?

AR: This wasn’t weird, but this person clearly watched too much porn because he was just like, 'Come for me, baby.' And I was like, 'Nothing about that is sexy.' I will come when I am good and ready.

Street: Is your muffin buttered?

DA: What?

AR: I actually had a buttered muffin for breakfast today!

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Does that count?

DA: There’s like two things about that question that I just don’t understand. The first is: What body part is the muffin supposed to represent? Because that doesn’t make sense.

And then buttering doesn’t seem like a very sexy act.

Street: Tell us about your ideal Valentine’s Day. AR: There’s actually a tattoo convention in Philly next weekend that I would die to go to. And then I would like to take myself on a date. I’m really great at dating myself— there’s always Italian food, wine and cake involved.

DA: I’m going to New York to visit one of my close friends who graduated. We’re going to spend the whole weekend together and be like a heteronormal couple for the night.

Street: Can you give us some sex advice?

AR: My sex advice would be to not take it too seriously.

Funny things happen, bodies make noise, bodies excrete things—don’t sweat that stuff.

Sweat. You should just sweat.

Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and why?

DA: Gloria Stein and Angela Davis, which, I think, is a really typical feminist answer.

AR: I would "taste a liquor never brewed" with Emily Dickinson. That’s one of my

favorite poems by her.

Street: Can you tell us about your first kiss?

DA: Mine’s so funny. I was 13. I was at Jewish summer camp. We were around the campfire. The rabbi had just finished telling a story. Someone was playing “Wonderwall” on the acoustic guitar, and I kissed this real cute boy from cabin 14.

AR: I think I missed out because I didn’t go to summer camp. I’m not Jewish. I tried really hard to be Jewish one time, but that’s a different story.

Street: That’s the next story.

AR: So, after my sophomore year of high school, I went to a Krinsky camp—this is actually the betchiest thing ever— so everyone there was Jewish, and I felt very left out. This kid there named Evan, he was like, 'What are you doing here? You’re not Jewish.' And I was like, 'You don’t know, I could be Jewish.' And he was like, 'what?'

So it became this whole thing where my friends said my name was Alexis Richards– Rosenberg. And I changed my Facebook name to Alexis Richard–Rosenberg.

DA: No! I didn’t know it went that far. And now you’re at Penn.

AR: And now I’m here.

Street: Reverse kill, fuck,marry. You can’t say Hitler.

AR: Today, I want to marry my lovely waitress at the Jersey Shore diner. She’s really great on

the coffee refills. Alright, who would I kill...

DA: The patriarchy!

AR: Can I kill the patriarchy?! Just the patriarchy in its entirety.

Street: Sure. And who would you fuck?

AR: This one’s boring, but right now I’m super into Chris Hemsworth and I want to fuck him, a lot.

DA: In lieu of violence against women, I’m gonna give some side eye to Katy Perry. I found her half–time show to be horrid. And I don’t think she’s very talented. Then I would marry Carrie Brownstein. And then I would fuck Jennifer Lawrence.

This interview has been condensed and edited.

EGO

36 QUESTIONS THAT LEAD TO LOVE (OR PROBABLY HATE) Last month, The New York Times published “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love”—a list of questions that are supposed to make two people fall in love by jumping straight into the deep shit. But let's be honest, learning about someone's "hopes and dreams" is kind of meh. We present you with 36 questions you might actually care about when finding love, or at least finding out how sceney you are.

1. What's your name?

2. Oh, what summer camp did you go to?

3. Do you know (insert name of human and repeat until Jewish geography is exhausted)?

4. Did you go to private or public school?

5. How many bar mitzvahs have you been to?

6. Are you involved in Greek life?

7. Did you and/or mommy and daddy buy your bid?

8. If you were a member of the opposite sex, which sorority/fraternity would you be in? Or would you go GDI? 9. Are you that person who makes out at the bar at Smokes?

10. How long is long enough? (Ed. note: interpret as you will.)

11. Do you like Kweder?

12. Sober?

13. Have you ever been MERT–ed?

14. How many debit/credit/PennCards have you lost in the past year?

15. Qdoba or Chipotle?

Smokes’ or Blarney?

Huntsman or Van Pelt?

16. Do you know where the Taco Bell is on campus? (Ed. note: This is crucial.)

17. Do you own a Canada Goose? What about a Frackit?

18. Define the word “sceney.”

19. Rank your partner on the sceney scale (1 being least sceney).

20. Would you describe your self as pre–professional? To other people?

21. Do you already have a job after graduation?

22. How about a spouse?

23. Do you know where the Kelly Writers House is?

24. Have you peed on the Ben Franklin statue?

25. Have you had sex under the Button?

26. Do you want to? Right now?

27. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever Bursared?

28. Have you been in the Round Up? Explain.

29. Do you know Kate from Adolf Biecker?

30. Butt stuff?

31. How uncomfortable are you right now?

32. Are you scared to walk directly across the compass?

33. If you could say one anonymous thing to a flyer–er on Locust, what would it be?

34. How many times have you used SEPTA, if ever?

35. Where’s your favorite place to poop on campus?

36. So, should we go buy our “I Met My Spouse at Penn” buttons at the bookstore now?

Top 10 Reasons to Take Your Valentine to See 50 Shades Of Grey ZACHARY FOX

Still scrambling for Valentine’s Day ideas for your special someone?

Here’s 50 (minus 40) reasons why you should look no further than Fifty Shades of Grey.

1) Nothing says bonding like bondage.

2) After seeing Christian Grey in action, you will seem like way less of a control freak.

tainly reinspire you to go to the gym.

Maybe.

3) She will stop giving you shit for not going to see any of the Twilight movies with her.

7) You can finally get that movie theatre hand job you dreamed about in 9th grade.

4) You will finally have a good conversation starter to bring up “butt stuff.”

Or play 36 Questions (see left).

8) You’ll understand why chains and whips excite Rihanna so much.

5) Christian Grey’s mommy issues will make yours seem tame in comparison.

9) Get some inspiration for new bedroom techniques. If you bring a blindfold into the mix, she’ll go wild thinking you’re Grey.

6) Christian Grey’s bod will cer-

10) Your date options are limited, and so are your moves. Let's be honest, This is more for you than it is for her.

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thedp.com/shots

Shots is a directory of freelance photographers that aims to introduce members of the Penn community to current or past photographers of the Daily Pennsylvanian. We want to make it simple for you to match your photography needs with experienced Photograpers.

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MUSIC

THIS ISN'T YOUR AVERAGE MARVIN GAYE: WEIRDEST MUSICAL HOOKUP Although "Let's Get it On" is always apropos, Penn students aren't exactly picky—or sexy—when it comes to choosing sexual soundtrack. This week, Music presents your best musical hookup songs and stories.

1. "I heard "Royals" by Lorde for the first time when I was giving someone a handjob.

He turned on the song mid– handjob, and I stroked to the beat. Every time I hear "Royals," I think about that moment."­­ 2. "At a frat party, a Taylor Swift song came on. Everyone started dancing, but I'm a musical elitist, so I just sort of stood there awkwardly. A guy came up to me and made a joke about how I didn't like Taylor Swift. We ended up going upstairs and rolling a joint. One thing led to

another from there. It was fun at the time, but once I sobered up, I decided that we are never, ever, ever getting back together."

3. "After about 45 minutes of hooking up with some guy, I realized that I really liked the song he had playing, so I say, "This is a great song, what is this?" and he proceeds to tell me that it's "Big Poppa" and that it had literally been on repeat since we started hooking up."

4. "A friend of mine had neighbors freshman year who

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

BEER IS AWESOME. happy valentine’s day from springfield beer distributor 22nd & Washington

8

we deliver!

215-546-7301

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5

enjoyed having really loud sex while screaming in Korean.

This was obviously very annoying to my friend, especially since it was at all hours of the day and night. So he and his roommate started playing "Jingle Bells" really loudly every time it happened, hoping to operantly condition the guy to start feelin' some type of way when hearing Christmas carols. Apparently the loud sex stopped towards the end of the semester—just in time for the Christmas holidays."

5. "Three words (and no, not the ones you're thinking of ): "Let it Go." 6. "I once had sex with this guy while he played Aloe Blacc's "The Man." It wasn't a weird song to have sex to, but the entire time it was happening, when Aloe was all like, "Yeah, you can tell everybody," I just kept thinking, "Thanks, but I definitely won't."

7. "I hooked up with someone during a Real Friends show at the TLA [Theatre of Living Arts]. Ironically enough, they were playing "I've Given Up On You" when it happened."

8. "I put on the album The Only Place by Best Coast at a small party. This tan, blonde guy, who spent his days on the beach lifeguarding and surfing on a sponsorship revealed himself as a diehard fan of the band. As we talked about our favorite songs in a room smokey from the copious amounts of weed consumed that night, the room cleared out around us.

Here I was, making out with this guy who embodied Cali-

ILLUSTRATION BY AMY CHEN

fornia to an album worshipping California. It was as if every whiny, awesome teenage theme ever sang out in a Best Coast song materialized on this kid’s couch."

9. "Benny Benassi was playing a live outdoor set at a music festival. I was on molly for the first time. I was marveling in the lights and colors, and as I got a little swept up in the song “Satisfaction," I ended up in the embrace of a shirtless fratstar I never would’ve talked to sober. We made out within the hoards of sweaty, moving people and I felt as though he was there for me in the same way as the images on the screen: entertainment. I guess I got my satisfaction. Then I quickly ran off to the next set to never see him again."

10. "The first time I had sex

was to "Pimp Juice" by Nelly."

11. "When I was 15, I was making out with this guy. We were on his bed listening to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and when the song got to the point where it was like, "Bismilah, no! We will not let him go."

He got overly into the music and bit my lip so hard that I started seriously bleeding all over his face. Also: he didn't notice until I pushed him off and my mouth was like covered in blood."

12. "SAE or Castle or some grimy frat basement was playing some low–key alternative shit or something, but then Katy Perry came on. I went berserk. I was so hyped. I downed a handle, inched over to this rando, and went for it.

I don't know what came over me. All I know is I kissed a girl, and I liked it."

MUSIC

4

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YOUR WEEK IN MUSIC Valentine's Day may be coming up, but this week is just another week, because music is always our Valentine. Call us—we're single.

WHAT TO SEE:

1 3

MUSICAL DREAM DATES

It's a fact: musicians are hotter than regular people. And we've got some ear boners.

1

Missy Higgins. That accent. That voice. That hair. Jesus. She was living proof girls didn't have cooties. "Warm Whispers" forever, Missy, you Australian goddess.

COLE SPEIDEL

2

I was absolutely infatuated with Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy for the better part of the last ten years. I don't know whether it was the painstakingly emotional lyrics or the straightened, dyed–black hair and guyliner. Either way, I was totally convinced I was going to marry him someday—which is a little weird because he's almost twenty years older than me. Eventually, I decided that I didn't want Ashlee Simpson's seconds and moved on to more suitable celebrity suitors.

RAQUEL BANKS

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4

• Get rich or die tryin' with the legend himself when 50 Cent comes to Electric Factory tomorrow (Friday). We expect you to go all out, and most importantly, give us a full report about his upcoming sixth album, Street King Immortal.

• If you're not feeling like getting down with 50 Cent, Jazz & Grooves is putting on a show at the Rotunda on Friday, featuring Goldlink, Rome Fortune, Kari Faux, and Liberal Arts. And ou only have to go down to 40th and Walnut. If you're looking for some great music this weekend, you have no excuse to miss this.

WHAT TO LISTEN TO:

• Remember Modest Mouse? Well, some of us have been waiting eight years for a new album. The highly anticipated tracks won't come out until March, but you can listen to an entirely new song"The Best Room," now. If this isn't the ultimate #tbt, then we don't know what is.

• St. Vincent just won a Grammy for her self–titled album, and we think the Grammys got it right. Kanye maybe( okay, probably) wouldn't agree, but we think you should get on Spotify right now and check out St. Vincent.

It’s highly likely I’m the only one to appreciate Luke Pritchard’s performance in the "Forgive & Forget" music video. He exhibits hilarious dancing that definitely doesn’t suit that British accent, and yet he still manages to be undeniably adorable. We’d be the perfect match. If only he looked more like Ryan Reynolds/Adam Henrique/Bradley WHAT TO KNOW: Cooper. Whatever. I’d just make him sing every song from Inside In / Inside Out and • Maybe we were born in the wrong Konk. Then "Rosie" from Junk of the Heart. That should do the trick. Did I mention he’s generation, but our eighties fan British? inside of us just kicked in. Van TALIA STERMAN Halen—yes, the Van Halen—is releasing their first live album, Confession: In "Fire and the Thud" by Arctic Monkeys, when Alex Turner sings, based on a concert in Tokyo. 'Ev"Everything I touched told me it would be better shared with you," a part of me dies erybody wants some,' indeed. inside. He can write, he can sing, he can play guitar, and he's British—how does it get any better than Alex Turner? When I was a high school sophomore my friend and I • The Guardian posted an excerpt waited outside their show during a tropical depression until almost 2a.m. hoping to from Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth's meet the slick–haired stud. After a few hours, he came out from backstage, only to join memoir, Girl In A Band. Who needs a beautiful blonde in a stretch limo. In my head, I could almost hear him sing, "Baby, I to do reading for class when you can read was made to break your heart." about kicking ass?

AMANDA SILBERLING

F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

9

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vary. Returned checks, along with the state’s maximum allowable returned check fee, may be electronically presented to your bank. ©2013 Dominos IP Holder LLC. Domino’s®, Domino’s Pizza® and the modular logo are trademarks of Domino’s IP Holder LLC. ©2013 The Coca-Cola Company, all rights reserved. “Coca-Cola” is a registered trademark of The Coca-Cola Company. “Coca-Cola” “Coke”, the contour bottle design and the dynamic ribbon design are trademarks of the Coca-Cola company. All rights reserved. ©2013 The Coca Cola company, all rights reserved. “Coca-Cola” is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola company.

215-557-0940 401 N. 21st St. • Philadelphia, PA

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OPEN: SUN - THURS 10AM - 1AM FRI & SAT 10AM - 3AM 1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5

F E AT U R E

BETWEEN CLASSES AND CLUBS, PENN STUDENTS PUT A RING ON IT. Shosh Ollech, an Engineering senior, puts fish in the oven while her husband, Yaron Ollech, sweeps the floor of their Pine St. apartment. It’s like any other off–campus apartment complete with the smell of onions cooking, Phish posters on the walls, hookah and pipes on one shelf. But one thing stands out on the mantel: a framed photo. It’s Shosh and Yaron’s wedding picture.

Most Penn kids will spend the next 5–10 years hooking up and figuring themselves out.

The closest they'll come to thinking about marriage will be while binge watching TLC. Getting engaged young is rare for this generation, but rare doesn’t mean weird. For brides at Penn, first comes love, then comes graduation. (continued on next page)

BY ROSA ESCANDON F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

F E AT U R E

“I can’t imagine getting married.”

Daniela Mendez, a senior in the College, has heard this sentiment almost everyday since she got engaged to her long–time boyfriend, 2013 Wharton grad Franco Aguayo. “You start to realize there’s this prevalent notion of what life in your twenties should look like,” she said. “Here I am saying that I am engaged, and many [people] immediately reflect it on themselves and on what they would do.”

While her afternoon class might be interrupted with an occasional email from her wedding planner, Daniela's life at Penn will never take a back seat—even when questions about exposed brick at a venue arise. “I used to wonder how people can get so stressed about just planning a party, but it’s not just a party.It’s not stress over what color napkins to choose,” she explained, “It’s

having to reconcile your opinion with your parents’ and his parents’ and your bridal party’s.”

Daniela is engaged, but she isn’t ditching her life for the veil. While her fiance lives in New Jersey, she’s still on campus, taking classes to finish her Psych major and going to Feb Club events with friends.

The image of the young bride in college seems like an artifact from the 1950s. Girl falls in love and then dropout to be the perfect housewife. Or so the story used to go. Brides at Penn are sticking around to finish their education, but that’s only part of their campus experience.

Joana Abaroa, a College senior, barely has time to make her dream Pinterest boards. From managing being Strictly Funk president, to finishing her criminology degree in three years, to serving as a liaison to the Mormon community of Philadelphia, Joanna

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F E AT U R E

has always been busy. Now, she’s added 'wedding planning' to her to–do list. Before winter break, Joanna got engaged to her long time boyfriend, Blake Ellison, a Class of 2014 Wharton graduate. While most Penn seniors were polishing their resumes over winter break, Joanna was also picking out a venue, a florist and a wedding dress.

There are two kind of seniors at Penn. While some run between meetings and shows and parties, others take a step back. While Joanna is staying hyper involved, Shosh is choosing to hang out at home with her friends and her husband. “I wasn’t going to go to frat parties because, what was I gonna do there?” Shosh said, remembering her return to Penn last semester after her wedding in Israel. “I’m not doing Feb Club stuff. I’m kind of over it.”

But being at Penn isn’t only about the social life. Every student has to figure out how they’re paying for school. For College senior Yuki Graviett Knapp, getting married posed a risk: she might’ve been considered an “independent” by the financial aid office, and therefore ineligible for Penn’s no–loan policy. But the office kept grant money in her aid package, which allowed her to stay a “dependent” of her parents until graduation.

Yuki married Richard Knapp, a Class of 2013 Wharton grad, the summer after her freshman year.

Yuki spent her sophomore year commuting to Penn daily from her home with Richard in New York City. While she loved being with her husband during the week, the commute was “exhausting” and “a nightmare.”

For her final year at Penn, Yuki’s living in Philly during the week and going back to NYC on the weekends. After being away for so long, Yuki fell back into Penn life and friendships. “I have better friendships,” she explained, “because I take the time to hang out

with people [now].”

Erica Ligenza, a junior in Wharton, got the “most likes on a prof pic ever” after she uploaded a photo of her fiance, Jamie, proposing next to the button this past January. While the two aren’t marrying until after her graduation, Erica already knows her future is in Philadelphia, where Jamie lives and works. “Friends say, ‘Your life is so together,’” Erica explained. “I think it is just a result of having to plan things in advance."

People say marriage is a compromise, but for couples at Penn, making compromises and compromising one’s future are different things.

Daniela came to Penn with ambitions: she aimed to graduate pre–med and move back home to Northern New Jersey. While she wasn’t anticipating getting engaged her senior year, doing so hasn’t derailed her plans.

Like many seniors, she hopes to find a job in New York. Her fiance, Franco, already lives in New Jersey. She sees medical school in her future, but said, “Going all out and going to med school might not happen right away. If we want to have kids in 3–4 years. I can go to med school, but it may have to wait for another 6–8 years.”

And if it’s not New York for Penn students, it’s probably Israel.

Following graduation, Shosh is applying for jobs there, where the couple married last year. They plan to move back for Yaron to start his college education, which he delayed to serve in the Israeli Defense Force. Shosh joked, “I make fun of him all the time because he hasn’t taken [the] SAT.” She said of her own education at Penn, “I don’t think it would have been fair to either of us if I didn’t come back to school. We

have to be realistic about things and our future.”

Just days before leaving for college, Erica told her mom, “I am not going to have a boyfriend.” She’d heard about Penn’s so–called hookup culture and didn’t see herself as a part of it. Her alternative, however, certainly wasn’t marriage. She assumed she’d just be dateless and “focus on her studies.”

The Counterparts singer isn’t the only bride who never imagined getting married in college. Shosh remembered, “If you had asked me sophomore year: 'What are the odds of you coming back from abroad married?' I would have said zero percent,” she recalled.

“But you can’t plan for these things, or when it will be right or what you will feel.”

While getting married young is more common in the Mormon faith, Yuki and Joanna, both Mormons, didn’t think it’d happen here.

The summer after her freshman year, Joanna took classes at Brigham Young University in Utah.

While at BYU, surrounded by other Mormons, she thought, if there “[were] tons of Mormon guys I could be dating, why was I staying with this guy?”

That fall, back at Penn, they stayed up reading each other’s journal entries and realized they’d both considered marriage. It was then that Joanna knew Blake was the one. They were on the same page.

He, however, took a little longer.

Joanna explained, “He thought he would get married in his late twenties after dating a girl for a long time.” He wasn’t alone in his hesitation. Joanna’s mother thought her daughter was crazy for getting married so young and “needed to graduate and focus on school.”

Despite her mothe's doubts, Joanna will be graduating. In fact, she will be graduating a year early. “It’s to get married,” she said.

“When you find the right person, why delay it?” Joanna asked.

On Valentine’s Day, Penn’s single population will finish their Ben & Jerry’s just as the rom–com they’re watching culminates in a big wedding and heads directly to the credits. On the big screen, marriage is the end. But Daniela’s love story isn’t ending this year.

"I am going to be married at 22.

That’s freaking young! I can’t expect when we are 82 that he is going to be exactly the same person that he was in college,” she said. “I understand that [Franco] is going to change in 1000 ways.”

For other Penn students, the first step toward success might be a job, an internship or something far more trivial. For these young couples, marriage is step one.

“I think we are all kidding ourselves if we don't think about what our wedding is going to be like some day, ” Erica half–joked.

For these Penn brides, marriage is natural. Marriage makes sense.

Daniela explained, “Peers tell you, ‘I can’t believe this is happening. You are so crazy.’ Adults say, 'Know what you are getting yourself into. Marriage is hard, hard work.' And you are like, 'Wow, I heard.'"

Their personal choice is just that: personal. They aren’t looking for advice, they’re looking for understanding. As Yuki said, “We aren’t in a separate category. We are Penn students, too.”

Rosa Escandon is a senior majoring in criminology and history from Oakland, California. She is the current Lowbrow editor for 34th Street Magazine.

Joanna & Blake

Daniela & Franco

Yuki & Richard

Erica & Jamie

Shosh & Yaron

Met: At a Penn Preview day when Joanna was visiting campus.

Engaged: Last spring, after Blake graduated.

A little more: When Blake was abroad, the couple Facebook chatted mostly about her joining Kite and Key, of which he was a member. He likes to say they "online dated.” Joanna disagrees.

Met: A friend introduced the two quickly on Locust, but the pair got close at a conference hosted by one of Penn’s Christian groups.

They started hanging out the following winter break in New Jersey.

Engaged: In September 2014, but they talked about if for a while beforehand, so their parents were less than shocked.

A little more: He was a senior when they met, and she thought that he wasn't looking for a relationship at all—surprise!

Met: At Penn Preview Weekend, though Yuki was dating someone else the summer before she came to Penn.

Engaged: In her words: “I thought we’d just be friends, but it moved pretty quickly.”

A little more: She calls it love at first sight.

Met: At a Penn Summer Program before Erica’s freshman year. He was her Graduate Advisor, but the two waited to date until after the program.

Engaged: In front of the Button. She’s since forgotten how she responded. Friend tells her that she said, “absolutely.”

A little more: Their first date was in front of McClelland. They had a cupcake tasting.

Met: At summer camp when they were 10 and 11. They’ve been friends ever since.

Engaged: Yaron set up an elaborate scavenger hunt all over Israel during Shosh’s year abroad. It all started in Haifa, and ended with a “yes” over dinner at a friend's house.

A little more: Shosh loves the ring Yaron picked out, but he thinks she’s lying.

F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

FILM

HOW TO:

ROMANTICALLY SCREEN A MOVIE ON CAMPUS LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY: EASY

Forgot to make a reservation at Penne for your special someone? We've got a Valentine's Day challenge for you that's way better than undercooked pasta.

VAN PELT 4TH FLOOR — Ormandy Music and Media Center There’s a better way to stay up all night in the library.

1. Book a room online. Simply go online and pick a time and one of any five rooms equipped with everything you need to view your romantic movie. Perks include a 37” flat-panel widescreen monitor and VHS player for those throwback vibes.

2. Go to the library. Arguably the most difficult step.

3. Hang a left and another left out of the elevator on the fourth floor. Head away from the books and towards the media.

4. Find your room. Library assistants will be there to help. Pro tip: They aren’t your college house RA, so BYO condoms.

5. Put it in. The DVD (or VHS tape), that is. At least, at first.

Recommended Viewing: Any romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant, though Music and Lyrics is apropos. You’re here for the room, not the movie.

LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY: INTERMEDIATE

DOMUS

Get some (culture)

1. Find someone who lives in Domus. Remember that one girl in your sorority who hosts all those wine and cheese nights? Time to send her a "haiii girl" text. Or that mysterious European guy who smells like too much cologne? A flirtatious "whatcha up to?" Snapchat should suffice.

2. Have them rent the screening room. Just contact the front desk and reserve for any time before midnight. (Pro tip: Make friends with the front desk and they’ll let you stay past the time limit).

3. Enjoy your private movie theatre. Emphasis on private.

Recommended viewing: Blue Is The Warmest Color, Lust Caution, or anything equal parts subtitles and sex.

LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY: PROFESSIONAL

COLLEGE HALL 4TH FLOOR Doing it Amy Gutmann–style.

1. Gain after–hours access to the building. This is the trickiest part, as the building won’t let you swipe in after a certain hour, but we’ve got a handy guide with options. You can always: * Hide. Simply find your way into College Hall during daytime hours and stick out a few hours until the building closes. Bring your S.O.— nothing says romance like a little clandestine foreplay in one of the bathroom stalls. * Find a Philo. College Hall is home to Penn’s one and only intellectual society, whose members have after–hours access to the building. Befriending one of these enigmas can grant you unlimited access to the building. * Elevator in the middle of College Hall. Perfect for getting “stuck.” Great for couples who are looking to spice things up and don't mind cliches.

2. Find a screening room! We recommend going to the highest (fourth) floor. Those rooms tucked away to the right of the elevator are particularly cozy. Once you get off the elevator (and ahem, get off) find the bathrooms and make a left; you’ll find a wealth of rooms for your viewing pleasure.

3. Lock the door and snuggle up, if you're into that sort of thing.

Recommended viewing: Last Tango in Paris and blast the volume. If you happen to get caught, simply say you’re a Philo immersing yourself in the world of "art house cinema blend."

Pro tip: Bring some blankets and a few pillows to make the best use of the floor space without risk of rug–burn.

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ONE DAY DRINKING GAME

Listen, there’s no shame in drinking alone on Valentine’s Day. In fact, Street encourages it (and might ask to join you).

To help out the cause, we scoured Netflix, found the sappiest rom–com and created a liver–demolishing drinking game.

For your enjoyment, we selected One Day, an Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess disaster that spans the tumultuous relationship of two British lovers. (Ed note: Valentine’s Day is still no excuse to say ‘lovers’.) The pair, Emma and Dexter, meet in college, so snuggle up with your favorite drink and pray your collegiate "romance" is nothing like this.

Sulk responsibly.

3 ALTERNATIVES TO FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

All of the Friday & Saturday showings of Fifty Shades of Grey at the Rave are sold out. But never fear: These films are available to stream on Netflix and will make you just as—if not more—uncomfortable.

1. Evil Dead II

This cult classic is a quintessential horror comedy. A group of six friends spend a weekend in a cabin and unlock a zombie curse while going through old videos in the basement. The slapstick gore that ensues is kitschier than anything in Christian Greys's "Red Room of Pain." More than anything, though, it’s best known for one of the female characters’ sex scenes with a tree. See? You're totally hooked. And maybe a little turned on?

2. Antichrist

If you’re looking for real sexual sadomasochism, Antichrist is more intense than Twilight fan– fiction could ever be. The thriller is spearheaded by Lars von Trier—as in the guy who made that Shia LaBeouf sex movie, Nymphomaniac. The plot centers around a couple whose baby dies while they’re too busy having shower sex to notice. Their coping mechanism is to hide out in (yet another) cabin in the woods. While secluded, they have increasingly violent sex; there are scissors involved in a way that scissors should never be used. Be warned: this film is not for those who can’t handle a little twisted BDSM.

3. Horns

Daniel Radcliffe continues to try and shed his Harry Potter persona in this dark comedy about a guy who is accused of raping and murdering his girlfriend. In a plot twist, the title of the film couldn't have possibly forshadowed, he grows a pair of supernatural horns on his head.

The horns allow him to coax the truth out of people and figure out who actually killed his girlfriend.The story is peppered with religious satire and provides characters with actual emotional depth, unlike the virginal Anastasia Steele.

CREATIVE • BALANCED • SIMPLE 1608 SOUTH STREET • PHILADELPHIA, PA 215-790-0330 • ENTREEBYOB.COM F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

FOOD AND DRINK

TWO BLIND DATERS REVIEW CUBA LIBRE (AND EACH OTHER) We set up two freshman, Alex Bendix and Michael Katzovitz, on a blind date at Old City's Cuba Libre.

Alex Bendix is a freshman from Connecticut in the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business.

Michael Katzovitz is a freshman from New York in the College studying Biology.

Give us a fun fact: MK: Maybe I can do [Alex's]?! He lived in Peru!

AB: She was in France for a month and did research on muscular dystrophy.

MK: Oh yeah, that makes me sound way more interesting.

AB: Yeah, fucking nerd.

Fun food fact: AB: In Peru, I ate guinea pig. I was really sick at the time, I had a parasite. And my host family served me this really nice guinea pig, and obviously, it’s really potent so I couldn’t eat any of it. But I also felt rude if I didn’t eat any, so...

MK: Okay, I’m afraid of fennel. I hate it. I hate everything about it.

Atmosphere: MK: It was nice. We liked the fans!

AB: Ooooh, yeah! They looked like plantains. It was awesome. I looked at them for a minute and a half.

The food: AB: We had pork belly, honey–glazed...

MK: With salt! Actually I wrote it down, she made a point to say, “with salt”. I was like, “What?” It tasted great, actually he ate it, but I didn’t. I’m vegetarian.

AB: So why did you say you wanted that?

MK: I’ve been judged so often for being vegetarian, I was just like, “Yeah, sure.” But the tortilla chips were great!

Service: MK: We both have attention spans of goldfish, so every time Their Tinder Bios: our server spoke, we had no idea what she said. We just sat there AB: My ideal Tinder bio: 45–year– like, “Wait, what did she just say?” old guy looking for love.

AB: Did you pay attention? ‘Cause I didn’t. She spent five minMK: I don’t have a Tinder, but utes describing the food, and I was just like, 'Uhhh...”' my Instagram bio is just, "Yeah, it’s a boy’s name."

The Conversation: First impressions: MK: Twenty minutes before the date I was in my room looking MK: His text to me was in the mirror and was just like, “Well, can’t change my personallike, 'I’m in a top hat and ity now. It is what it is.” suit.' I was like, 'Fuck, AB: She started getting really excited talking about her research I’m underdressed. Then in medicine and stuff like that, and then she was just like, “I’m after a minute I realized, being a nerd—I’m so sorry.”

“Top hat? He’s just fuck- MK: Before we ate he said, “Do you want me to serve you?” and ing with me.” Then I I was like, “No, you be the guinea pig.” was thinking, “This is AB: Last thing she said was: “Yeah, I’m a big food pusher, I gonna be fun. He’s always make sure my little brother is full. If he’s hungry, it’s the funny.” I liked that. worst thing in the world. If guys are hungry, it’s the worst thing AB: I like to hug in the world.” people when I greet them, so I hugged her and she wasn’t weird Seconds? about it. So I took that MK: Uh, duh. No, like I actually would. I would get the mojias a good sign. tos...if I were 21.

MK: Oh, and also AB: I felt like I was in Havana, Cuba. I’ve never been to Ha[Alex] opened the cab vana, Cuba, but I felt like I was there. door for me. He was very gentleman–ly.

I’m not used to man- We meant the date... ners.

AB: This is my official answer: “Michael. Was. A. Fun. And. AB: I had to narrate Also. Nice. Person. Yes. I. Would.” In monotone, though. that as I was doing it, be- MK: I would. Someone was forced to interact with me. It was cause I felt that if I didn’t nice. then it would be really weird, like I had a pole up my ass, or something.

Cuba Libre 10 South 2nd Street, Philadelphia, PA 19106 (215) 627-0666, www.cubalibrerestaurant.com

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highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

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ICE CREAM:

Chocolate is sensual. No shit. Unfortunately, truffles are the epitome of “a moment on the lips.” But Nutella is both versatile and sexy. Licking Nutella will draw out the pleasurable moment and prolong the release of dopamine.

GUACAMOLE:

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

Licking is a perfectly good way to eat guacamole.

Anyone who’s ever had more guac than chips knows it.

Avocados are packed with vitamin E, which can help stimulate and regulate sexual energy levels for couples. If you’re having Mexican food for Valentine’s Day dinner, make sure you order a heaping bowl of guac to go. And if you want to be a tease, look deep in your lover’s eyes and whisper “guac is extra.” Yum.

EXCEPTION: POPSICLES

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According to scientists with nothing better to do, ice cream tastes best when it’s warmed up to room temperature. A thin coat of ice cream on your tongue warms up faster and more evenly than a fat spoonful. If anyone complains about you erotically licking your gelato at Capo, just tell them you’re “maximizing flavor.”

NUTELLA:

How How How P

Even though you’ll look like an uncivilized fuck, biting instead of licking your popsicle will make it taste better.

Biting lets you enjoy those fruit–filled popsicles without awkwardly licking the fruit pieces, and the quicker you eat the popsicle, the less chance it’ll melt in your hand. Plus, the blunt end of a bitten popsicle is great for kinky nipple play.

• 215.387.8533 • •215.387.8533 PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com 215.387.8533 • University • •University 4006 4006 4006 Chestnut Chestnut Chestnut Street Street Street University City City City

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ARTS

BDSM, TEDDY BEARS AND BACON VAGINAS: THE ART OF THE HEART

This week, Arts hung out with Penn's fine artists to see what got their hearts beating. Inspired by everything from a mom to an ex to a burrito, these six student artists painted a diverse portrait of the meaning of love.

"OPPOSITIONAL" Emily Lipson, junior in Visual Studies "Falling in love is like being pulled in a direction, tangent to or in contradiction with the path you are supposed to be on. To me, love is never an 'all in' thing. There is always something pulling you opposite of how you feel—there exists a tension between the negative and the positive. I envision it here as two different directions, and it's just a matter of which one wins out."

"UNTITLED" Terrill Warrenberg, junior studying fine arts "This came from a sext my roommate sent her boyfriend over the summer."

"SUNLOVE" Bryn Torres Friedenberg, freshman in the College "This reminds me of past love: watching the sunset on a beach in Ohio with my ex."

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"THE BREAKFAST LADY"

Melis Onerli, sophomore studying fine arts "The human body is beautiful, and it makes people very uncomfortable. I want people to feel uncomfortable when they look at my work.

Love is about leaving your comfort zone, pushing your boundaries."

ARTS

"ORIGIN" "STUFFED" Keenan Jackson Bennet, MFA student at Penn Design "I see it as a glamorous BDSM suspension orb occupied by a stuffed bear: double stuff."

Riya Chandiramani, junior studying communications

"EXTRA GUAC"

Riley Nelson, freshman in the College "Inspiration struck when I sat down with my burrito...I just knew what I needed to paint next. I'll probably spend Valentine's Day at Chipotle."

"The idea behind this piece was support from those who love you. I was thinking about my parents, this was just a way to show my gratitude."

love is sharing snacks and ignoring their sleepfarts this is a haiku

WANT MORE ART AND LOVE? 34ST.COM.

ART OF THE PICK–UP

The sexiest art form is also the hardest to master. In honor of Valentine’s Day, Arts went to the home of Penn's pick–up artists (read: Smokes') to see what worked, what fell flat and what the fuck. Van Gogh cut off his ear and gave it to a prostitute in a declaration love; here's how you all did it instead.

From the lame: • “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a sweet potato.”

• “I have Ben and Jerry’s and Finding Nemo in my room.”

• “Is that a phone behind your back? Cause that booty is calling me.”

• “The word of the day is legs.

Wanna help me spread the word?”

To the creative: “A guy at Smokes came up to me, put his hand on my face and said, ‘Shhhhh, be verrrrrry quiet. I’m hunting wabbits’ and then bit my shoulder. The problem was he was so attractive we ended up hooking up anyways.”

To the most self–aware: “The douchiest [frat] guy ever offered to pay for my taxi to and from the chapter house from Smokes. And to further implore me, he said, ‘Also, my room is definitely the biggest in the house, and if you’re wondering why, it’s because I used to be the president.’"

To the most direct: “Basically, a guy came up to [this girl], smacked her ass and asked, ‘Who’s a naughty girl?’ by way of pick up line.'"

To what we’re using the next time we’re at Smokes: “Do you have pet insurance?”

“No.” “Ah, pets are just like human beings, they deserve insurance too. Also, too bad you don’t have it, because your pussy is getting smashed tonight.” (Ed. note: yikes.)

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LOWBROW

LOVEBROW There's no better place to document your impending nuptials than the hallowed halls of learning where you spent four years eating Wawa mac & cheese and blacking out.

So many people say “I met my spouse at Penn.� And where did you spend most of your undergraduate career? In the fucking library. Celebrate your love with books. Double points if you can kick someone out of your carrell for your photoshoot.

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LOWBROW

David Rittenhouse was a classy gentleman–scholar, who knew the power of love, commitment and a strong physics department. This subtle blue lighting will make the yellowish undertones in your skin pop, for a radiant bridal look.

Most brides try to lose 10 pounds before their wedding day, but you can lose 10 pounds on your wedding day with Body Combat Class.

Bursar classes for $15.

a for call d time goo

A lot of people are ditching the caterer for hip food trucks and cakes made out of cupcakes. But you can be ahead of the trends. Why not serve three– bean soup with some vague vegan dish made out of cauliflower?

Nothing says forever like realizing we are mortal. Go to the hospital-- not only is the ambience fantastic but you can always run to the gift shop to buy some last minute flowers.

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LOWBROW

HOW TO LOSE A GOY IN TEN DAYS

So you found out your nice Jewish guy with is actually just a Persian goy? We have your bubbe– approved exit strategy.

DAY

4

Day 4: Speak only as Fran Drescher. Sing only as Barbara Streisand.

DAY

9

Day 9: There are a ton of crazy laws in the Jew Bible that no one follows; use a couple. Don’t mix fabrics in the same piece of clothes or really strict laws about plants.

There are 613 laws, the world is your oyster.

Day 2: Tell him how sexy he would look with those little curl things. Play with his hair every night, it’s hard to keep those curls. (Ed. Note: These are called “Payot,” you shiksa.)

DAY

5

Day 5: Talk about all the kids you will have one day and how you will name all of them Joshua.

DAY

10

Day 10: Notice that he is uncircumcised. He will be gone before you can say late–in–life bris.

EVERYTHING IN LOWBROW IS FAKE. EXCEPT FOR THAT THING ABOUT CASTLE BOYS. THAT'S TOTALLY REAL. 2 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 1 2 , 2 01 5

3

Day 3: Add “owitz” to whatever his last name is. Ellis Island took it away from your family. Why not add it to his?

DAY

6

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Day 1: Go out for cheeseburgers. Tell him about all your dietary restrictions and how he should be supporting you in not bathing calves in their mothers' milk.

2

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DAY

DAY

Day 6: Force him to come crash bar mitzvah parties with you. Dance with the pre–pubescent Jewish boys more than with him.

DAY

7

Day 7: Never text him back, blame it on Shabbas. He won’t know that’s not on a Tuesday.

8

Day 8: End every argument with, “that’s what a Nazi would've said.” It will make literally everyone uncomfortable.

HOT NEW DATING APPS Swipe right, swipe right, swipe hard left

4. OkAmy Do blonde hair and moderately long pencil skirts rev your engines? OkAmy helps you find women who look or smell like AGut.

1. LegaciesMeet.org Only for people whose parents' parents also went to Penn. Your future children will DEFINITELY get in.

2. Fminism The only app that tells you if that cute guy has already hooked up with one of your roommates.

If he has stay away from him, that is like the first rule of feminism. Seriously, Fuck you, Mitch.

3. Chai Tea Latte meets Huckleberry Scone Like Coffee Meets Bagel, trust us the worst dating app ever, but for even more pretentious people than those on Coffee Meets Bagel.

5. URX They say by the time you’re in your twenties you’ve already met the man you’re going to marry. You’ve probably already dated him. You said that you'd never speak to him, but that was 2008. We all said a lot of things. This app helps you rekindle with the man you are going to eventually settle for.

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6. Tinder This is how you meet Castle boys. They’re all on Tinder.

B AC K PAG E

34th Street Presents:

Penn's Most Eligible Bachelors

We tallied up 1,316 votes and found the most eligible bachelors on campus. You've loved them from afar, but now you can get up close and personal. You're welcome.

MARCEL GARON C'15 If you’re not intrigued by this New Orleans native’s fluent French, you might be swayed by his basketball skills.

Notable quotable: “I’m a combination of country class and urban swagger.”

His pantry–dropping move: “I've asked a girl out with a poem.”

His kinkiness, on a scale of 1 to 10: “An 11, but depends on the girl.”

MAX SCHERZER C'15 You can find this four–eyed cutie pouring a shot of tequila in the swanky library of hisWalnut Street frat.

How he’s stayed single: “I’m still on the market because I consider myself a public good.”

His type: “I’m looking for a girl who can keep up with me in margaritas at Copa.”

BARRETT BLOCK W'16 This hipster bachelor likes brains and beauty. If you’re the one, his southern manners will sweep you off your feet— trust us.

His fantasy girl: “Great Quizzo partner. I really love bar trivia. I like a girl who reads books.”

How he sounds in bed: “That’s for me to know, and you to find out.” (Ed. note: I mean, okay.)

His most awe–inducing moment: “I planned a scavenger hunt that ended with the sunset on the beach.”

SAM LUDIN W'15 When this stormy–eyed salsa star isn’t cutting a rug on the dance floor, he’s breaking hearts at the club.

His perfect Valentine: “A good dancer.”

How he's still single: “High standards.”

His biggest turn–off: “[Wearing] sweatpants.”

ANTHONY GEORGIADES W'16

MICHAEL XUFU HUANG C'16 Model, artist, photographer—this bachelor has done it all and he’s looking for a guy who appreciates one hell of a ride.

Drink of choice: "Lychee martini."

If you’re looking for love, or a GrubHub companion, look no further than this notoriously Hot bachelor.

His type: “I like sweet. I like smart. I like girls who bring food over.”

His signature drink: “Three measures of Gordon’s; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet.

Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel.”

His type: “My mom in guy form.”

Ideal date: “A tasting menu dinner at Juni in New York. Followed by exploring art galleries.”

JOE MICIAK C'15

VICTOR DEBENEDETTI C'15

If this comedian’s on–point mustache doesn’t do it for you, you might find yourself falling for his dark sarcasm and dreamy eyes.

His lucky lady: “She has to be goofy.”

His cocktail du jour: "Lemon– lime Gatorade" (Ed. note: Or not.)

His sex noise: “I whisper. I whisper movie quotes.”

This finance whiz is no slouch in the romance department, and his fluency in foreign tongues will have your head spinning.

PATRICK ANDRADE E'18

The mental image of this cutie petting a golden retriever puppy will make you believe in Nicholas Sparks, guaranteed.

Why your mom will love him: “I like dogs and kids.”

Why you will, too: “I made [a girl] dinner—pesto pasta with pine nuts.

We baked brownies together after.”

His ideal Valentine: “I like girls who will argue with me. She has to be engaging."

His bad–ass side: "I'm going to a gun range next week, so that should be good."

His fave rom–com: "Love Actually"

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B AC K PAG E

After tallying up your 1316 votes, we scooped up the most handsome, dashing and charming men at Penn. Find out who’s kinky, who’s silly and who’s naughty. Who knows? You might just find your perfect match. Look inside for more dirt on these gents.

JACKSON PILLUTI C'16 If you like crooked smirks and perfect hair, this Elmo hottie and nature enthusiast will win you over.

How to catch his eye: “Look very good in sweatpants.”

Last time he cried: “When I got my fake taken at Masquerade.”

How he'll warm your cold, unbeating heart: “I’m an optimist.”

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SAM KORUS C'15 Whether he’s making you laugh at Mask and Wig or making you moan with his athletic hands, this Philly native will definitely get a rise out of you.

Most pantry–dropping move: “A midnight sail.”

(Ed. note: He’s very experienced with boats.)

His pride and joy: “My sock collection.”

His drink of choice: "A cold brew."

AYYUB IBRAHIM C'15 This fashionable Insta–famous bachelor @ayyubibrachic has the notoriety of a young Kanye, and we're dying to be his Kim K. His dream Valentine: “I love girls who are into biology and aspire to be doctors.”

His oral skills, on a scale of 1 to 10: “Solid 9. I’m modest.” (Ed. note: Call us if you want some additional practice.)