February 14, 2013

February 14, 2013 34st.com

BLIND DATE 路 AN OPEN LETTER 路 TAXIDERMY

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2013

3 highbrow

open letter to couples, word on the street, the round up, overheards

4 EGO

blind date

18

ego of the week, how to get through valentine's day

6 MUSIC

cheesy love songs decoded, glee club interview, reviews

9 Feature love at penn

CANDY

the vagina dialogues 12 Film

16

perfect horror movie quiz, reviews, why we love to get scared

14 FOOD

FROMtheEDITOR

On Tuesday night, a package arrived for me at our offices. Inside, I found two pairs of Hanky Panky’s, one just a bit pinker than the other.

The gift came sans card, but I knew instantly it was mama-made. Who else would send me underwear for Valentine’s Day? Ten days ago, we sent you a survey about love. We spent a long time reviewing your submissions and to be honest, they made us kind of sad.

Lots of people at Penn are lonely and the ones who aren’t don’t seem to have very high prospects for the others. Maybe there is something about Penn that makes love suck.

OCR's the obvious answer, and flu-induced-isolation is a definite possibility. DRL is another option, as is Natural Light beer. And for

Protestant–pairing, we hear Penn's not exactly ideal.

But maybe it’s how we look at love.

People make a huge to–do about Valentine’s Day and, consequently, about love. The Edible Arrangements get bigger every year and I swear they’ve increased the size of Sweethearts.

I’m not the best person to quantify love, nor can I tell you where to find it, but if I had to offer up a guess, I’d say the following: the best kind of love is very small and sort of silly, kind of like a thong in a cardboard box. Happy Valentines Day!

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february 14

valentine's day for friends, blind date

16 ARTS

fine art of taxidermy, words on love

fine art of taxidermy

18 lowbrow

b rs?

the vagina dialogues, bad valentine's day gifts, the worst valentine's day

love at penn

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

20 backpage

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penn valentines

WRITERS' MEETING 4015 WALNUT 6:30 P.M. 34th Street Magazine Nina Wolpow, Editor–In–Chief Sam Brodey, Managing Editor Alex Hosenball, Online Managing Editor Chloe Bower, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Olivia Fingerhood, Asst. Design Margot Halpern, Asst. Design Zacchiaus McKee, Highbrow Julia Liebergall, Highbrow Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Ego Ben Lerner, Ego Isabel Oliveres, Food & Drink

Abigail Koffler, Food & Drink Ariela Osuna, Music Michelle Ma, Music Alexandra Jaffe, Film Faryn Pearl, Film Patrick Ford-Matz, Features Kiley Bense, Features Megan Ruben, Arts Gina DeCagna, Arts Lizzie Sivitz, Lowbrow Zach Tomasovic, Lowbrow Frida Garza, Back Page Zeke Sexauer, Back Page Lauren Greenberg, Social Media

Allie Bienenstock, Print Copy Madeleine Wattenbarger, Print Copy Marley Coyne, Online Copy Michael Shostek, Online Copy

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Nina Wolpow, Editor–in–Chief, at wolpow@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898– 6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898–6581.

Cover Design: Chloe Bower

Visit our web site: www.34st.com

Contributors: Rosa Escandon, Andrew Scibelli, Alexandra Friedman, Nicole Malick, Rachel Zurier, Alex Sternlicht, Sandra Rubinchik, Vera Kirillov, Suzette Wanninkhof, Jillian DiFilippo, Max Hansen, Jack Nessman, Julie Roland, Marie Nikolova, Johnathan Wilson, Donna Hahn, Dan Maher, Gabe Morales, Caroline Quigley, Cassandra Kyriazis

"Any way you slice it, he's a pesticide" ©2013 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a–okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

AN

Tough Love

By Sam Hill

So there’s this guy. Maybe you met him at a party, made out a little bit before getting his name.

Or maybe he made some “Buffy” reference while in line at Commons that made you go weak in the genitals. And suddenly you’re talking and you feel some real Lindsay Lohan word vomit coming up because, hahaha, did he really just compliment my Jurassic Park t–shirt and, seriously, did he actually laugh at my “Arrested Development” joke and OHMYGOD his smile is so cute and is it hot in here or is it just me? And even though all you wanted was some ramen from the Gourmet Grocer, you have a date on Friday.

And it goes swimmingly. He pays for your Pattaya dinner and only slightly grazes your ass with his hand while walking, like a real gentleman. You talk about classes, about how he’s a senior and what jobs he’s looking for, about how that kid wearing the light blue polo shirt at the next table looks like a total douchebag. So you go out again. And again. And before you know it, a month has passed and you’re really starting to fall for this guy. You put off talking about where this is going, because you know it can’t go anywhere.

You’re a sophomore and he’s a senior. He’ll be gone in four months. He’ll have a real life with

real problems and he’ll be a real person. You’ll just be tying him down. And before this becomes anything real, you decide to end it: to make the smart decision, the practical one. The one that comes with a little pain now, as a trade–off for not being completely devastated come the beginning of a new school year.

You’ve never been in this situation before, where you both want to be together so badly, but you can’t because the timing is completely, dreadfully awful. You’ve dumped and you’ve been dumped. You never just… couldn’t. And in some ways that’s worse. You’ve always been angry, mad, upset at the other person when the relationship ended. Now you’re just mad at yourself. “Did we make the right decision?” you’ll ask yourself.

You’ll tear yourself up, thinking of all the reasons why a doomed four–month relationship would be better than no relationship. You’ll think of bullshit sayings about living in the moment and wish he would show up at your door, soaking wet, and just kiss you. And then your romantic notions will end. Because you’ll realize you made the right decision. You’re smart. You rationalized this. Maybe Buffy and Spike really can’t be together. And that just really fucking sucks.

THEROUNDUP

at

Guy: For a while it was funny, but now I just fucking hate her.

Girl on Locust: Hipster rabbi hit on me again at Hillel.

Tridelt: I haven’t been to a downtown in years... like two weeks.

Sophomore: She’s not fat. She just looks fat standing next to me.

Girl: And that’s when he said, “I can’t live without you. We have to stay together.” And I was like “Ok.”

TO

Dear Couples, I get it. And if I were in your position I would probably be behaving the same way, but I’m not, which is the whole point of this bitter diatribe. The thing is that you probably don’t even realize you’re doing anything, which makes it worse. On this day of all days, I am mad solely at your existence. Which is actually quite an accomplishment.

I know you’re the “Lucky Ones” Lana Del Rey has been telling me so much about, you future “I met my spouse at Penn” button– wearers. But really, is it necessary to flaunt it? To make out with each other outside my classes? To send each other candygrams? To wear those goddamn gloves meant for holding hands right in front of me? Show some respect. While you’re off in Happy Couple Love Fun Time Land, you know how I’m going to be spending my Valentine’s Day? Making sweet, sweet love to my Wawa meatball grinder. It’s a love story, baby, just say yes.

You know how they say there’s Mother’s Day and Father’s Day but no Child’s Day because every day is Child’s Day? That’s how I feel about Valentine’s Day. Every day is a day for couples to be happy, so why do we need an extra day to celebrate it? Where’s the day for resentful, lonely singles? I want a day where I’m encouraged to sit in my pajamas and watch Netflix while eating a dozen Insomnia Cookies by myself. Who’s the patron saint of that?

So, couples, today I invite you to think. Not of your significant others or about the totally awesome dinner you’ll be having tonight or the sex which will likely follow, but of me. And all the other sad, lonely people that will be buying discount chocolate at CVS tomorrow. Maybe then you’ll hold off on shoving your happiness in my face. At least until February 15th.

Sincerely, Bitter Betty

check out the Kappa Sig "Harlem Shake" video online

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day, you little suffragettes! Like most of you, Highbrow’s been ignoring the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s Day and focusing on things that MATTER. Liz Lemon would approve. But don’t you fret, peonies, we had a little free time to scrounge up some gOsSiP. Grab your burning bras, 'cuz we about to get feisty.

One pledge experienced some female empowerment during a scavenger hunt this past weekend when he was asked to perform an unusual task.

Bringing new meaning to the term “treasure chest,” one bodacious womyn allowed the young Greek to eat a Big Mac off her bosom. Of course, no experience is complete without a shower of bacon bits for extra pleasure.

Isn't having control over your own body sexy?

As part of an ever–growing trend of puny white boys thrusting on camera, Kappa Sig has released an “Ivy League” take on what youngsters are calling the Harlem Shake. The video depicts the Squirrels being douchey while one shirtless bro, donning a panda mask, shakes what his momma (W’81) gave him. What unfolds is a Magical Mystery Tour featuring pool sticks, canes and one Mexican wrestler. Will it dethrone the Gangnam Style flashmob as Penn’s best attempt at going viral? Maybe, but one thing’s for sure: it’ll never beat “Penn’s Stepping Up.” We briefly interrupt your Anna Howard Shaw Day for a romantic Penn moment. One brave soul bared his heart in front of Tuesday morning's PSYC 001, when he barged into the classroom and proposed to his One and Only by shouting at her from the back of the room. Much to his dismay, the lucky girl was either not in class or too embarrassed to accept the ring. After an uncomfortable silence, the professor promised to send out the request “on Blackboard.” Here’s hoping she doesn’t check between 7–9 a.m. on Saturdays.

Move over, Magic Mike, there are a few new heartthrobs in town. Highbrow hears that two Penn basketball players were caught with their pants down in the Huntsman forum after offering a strip tease to a group of Chi O pledges. The boys must not be as impressive off the court as they are on, because the cops were called and all involved parties were interrogated.

It really gives new meaning to the term "double team," doesn't it?

over heard PENN

OPEN LETTER

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

wordonthestreet

at 34st.com/highbrow 3

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

egoof the week ISABEL FRIEDMAN

Street: The show’s tomorrow! How has the buildup to the Vagina Monologues been going?

Isabel Friedman: We’re at the end of Vagina Season and this year, we’ve had a lot more events than before. Moregasm, our sex workshop, was a wake–up call that Penn students want to learn about this stuff, since we had to turn away 100 people. But don’t worry, we took minutes.

Street: What’s been the hardest part of producing VagMons?

IF: Once you get vaginas talking, it’s hard to get them to stop.

It’s such a well–oiled machine.

We’re waiting for the climax of the show, you know? During VagMons season, I tend to see vaginas everywhere. I literally have this coat with a fur hood and I put it on and I’m like, “I look like a pussy.”

Street: Vagina vision!

IF: Oh, yeah, I permanently have vagina goggles attached to my head during Vagina Season.

I have a hammock in the spring-

This Sphinx, Tabard, ex–prez of Penn Dems and VagMons producer has an uncontrollable girl crush on the Beyoncé of Politics—Hillary Clinton—and drops the word “vagina” more times than we can count.

time and everyone accuses me of vagina–ing. I guess people see me with vagina goggles too. I live a very vajazzled lifestyle. I think I said vagina like eight times in that sentence. For a while I was known as the Gingrich girl [for asking him a controversial question] and now I’m the vagina girl!

Street: Have you ever worn the vagina costume on Locust?

IF: I have been in the vagina, yes. The costume went missing this semester, so we were in vagina crisis mode and had to think of a plan B, no pun intended.

One lead was from a kid who was a vagina for a costume party.

I texted him to ask to borrow it and he said he got punched in the face and got a bloody nose while wearing it so the costume was… soiled.

Street: VagMons has become huge on campus, especially during February. What kind of reactions have you faced?

IF: Our goal is not to make everyone into rah–rah feminists.

People don’t have to scream “vagina” with us on the walk­—it’s just to re–frame sexual violence awareness in a fresh way. The show makes people uncomfortable, upset, angry, happy, empowered—a whole range of emotions and that’s good.

Street: So you also helped found Penn Political Coalition.

IF: Yes, I guess you could say politics and women are my bread and butter. PoCo was created because we were really sick and tired of people saying Penn students were apathetic and there’s always a lot of talk in politics to reach across the aisle and teach people. Coalition–building is one of the most difficult things to do, but it was a collective idea and all the right people were excited about it.

Street: Would you ever consider becoming a politician yourself?

IF: People ask me why I’m not working in Washington, and I’m like, I probably couldn’t say ‘vagina’ as much as I do.

Life without public displays of vagina is no life at all. Actually, this Ego of the Week will probably ruin my political car e e r, t h a t ’s how much I love Street.

Street: Who’s your alter ego?

IF: The emoji of the woman dancing in a red dress.

She salsas her way to making texts infinitely more awkward and enjoyable. The only problem is that it’s a thankless job, she’s a faceless person and the dude next to

her can’t get away fast enough.

Wait, now that I think about it, that kinda sounds like a metaphor for feminism...

Street: Who’s your fave First Lady?

IF: I have a huge girl crush on Hillary Clinton. There was a photo on Under the Button of Hill on the Ben Franklin bench at Penn and I’m not ashamed to say that was my computer background for months. In my eyes, she’s the Beyoncé of politics.

Street: There are two types of people at Penn...

IF: Those who go to the Vagina Monologues and those who don’t. The latter are dead to me. Seriously, go to the show or you’ll end up on my shit list like Chris Brown, Todd Akin, Newt Gingrich and the morons who cancelled “Freaks and Geeks.”

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215-222-5300 | www.hummusrestaurant.com

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

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WAYS TO DISTRACT FROM YOUR SINGLEHOOD

Defy and deny the fact you’re alone this Valentine’s Day.

Feign agoraphobia and stay at home watching Netflix, but not romantic or horror movies that would inspire cuddling. Good luck finding something without a sappy love line. Oh, cruel virtual world.

Eat a lot of chocolate. Like raid the CVS candy aisle. Except the heart–shaped kind...

Pretend that Valentine’s package from Grammy is really a special someone. Or Skype with your dog.

Treat yourself to the “Valentine Budino TwoPacks” being sold at Verde downtown... who said you shouldn’t just eat 2? It's $15 per pack of 2. Perfect opportunity to indulge in a jar full of dessert, especially when nobody’s watching.

HOW TO REBEL AGAINST HALLMARK HOLIDAYS

Stick it to the man and reject manufactured love.

FAKE DATE! That’s right, take your best platonic friend and go all out at New Delhi or somewhere affordable, because we need not drop all the dollaz on a pseudo–romance.

Regardless, play up your twue wuv for your waitress.

And the Oscar goes to... all the single ladies.

Flyer your floor, hall, or entire building with “Meh, you’re okay” notes. It’ll be just like giving the whole class valentines in elementary school... but without being forced to declare your love for everyone.

Your RA put up V–Day decorations. So cute! NOT. Rip that shit down and BURN IT.

Witness Glee Club Singing Valentines and join in on the harmony. Belt it out purposely off–key, sister.

Moment ruined.

And IIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUU.

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

Stick to the angry TaySwift tunes. At all costs.

Copa has couples’ deals, like nachos for two! They’re for one now. Judge away, waitress.

Boycott Russell Stover.

Your chocolate is blah and so is your pressure to settle down! Boo.

Sleep the entire day away like the single hermit you are. The 15th will be here soon enough.

Get BLACKOUT with your other single ladiez and gentz. Send unforgivably bitter texts to your dating friends.

“You guyisss makek me wannA VOMMMM!!!1! lol”

See a flower delivery and steal from the truck. He loves you not if he delivers them himself.

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

EGO PRESENTS:

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

PENN GLEE CLUB We sat down over coffee with Penn Glee Club President Scott Ventre and Business Manager Stephen DiGregoria to talk about Penn Glee Club, its history and its upcoming show "Office Bass," which hits campus this weekend.

By Ariela osuna

Street: Let’s start with a little background information on the oldest performing arts group at Penn.

SV: The Glee Club was founded in 1862, which makes this its 151st season. It’s been growing and shrinking in size and becoming a very integral part of the University and the culture of the University.

The Glee Club for a long time has been welcoming students at Convocation and when they become seniors, sending them off at Commencement. It’s sort of become a tradition.

Street: What are some of the traditions important to the club?

SV: [Tradition] is one of the things the Glee Club is based on. We have three pillars we’ve been building on. The three pillars are performance, brotherhood and tradition. Performance is the self–explanatory one. We strive for musical excellence in terms of our vocal quality and our sound but also in other aspects of our performance, whether it’s dancing or acting or staging—or whatever it may be. Then there’s brotherhood. In many ways, Glee Club is very fraternal.

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

Street: Is the Penn Glee Club essentially an all– male group?

SV: The group actually does have female members but they don’t perform as singers. The Glee Club in its entire existence has never really accepted female singers and not because we do not like females.

There’s something very special about the male choral sound. Men singing with one another has a specific sound, a timbre of voice quality, that’s different from what you’d get with a coed choir or with an all-female choir. We like the male choral sound so we maintain that sound. However, we do have a full band, the PGCB, our Penn Glee Club Band, which consists of male and female members.

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Street: How did the Penn Glee Club coin the term “musical ambassadors” of the University?

SV: That term has been thrown around for many years. We travel all around the country and all around the world every year in addition to going to semi–local places. Every year in the spring we go on a big tour. We usually go back–and–forth every year. We do domestic and international. We put on big concerts for the people in the community.

Street: What kind of music do you do sing and perform?

SD: We’re a very musically diverse choir. We don’t just perform old choral repertoire that no one’s really heard of. In our show coming up, we’re doing two pieces from Disney, “Colors of the Wind” and “Go the Distance." We do barbershop pieces, we do

contemporary pieces, we do classical choral pieces.

We spread the entire gamut of musical spectrum.

We’ve done everything.

Street: What would be a contemporary song in the Glee Club repertoire?

SV: Lady Gaga. We’re singing “Edge of Glory” for our upcoming show. One of our subgroups in our Glee Club is doing “Bills, Bills, Bills” by Destiny’s Child.

Street: How would you describe the kind of show you put on?

SD: Since 1971, we’ve been putting on these original Broadway–style musical comedies. They’re all jukebox musicals. We don’t arrange our own music for the show. We take songs that already exist and we adapt them to the show.

Office Bass: a Corporate Musical Times: 8PM on Friday 2/15, 1PM and 8PM on Saturday 2/16 Location: Zellerbach Theatre in Annenberg Center Ticket price: $20 for non-Penn card holders, $12 for Penn card holders. Group price of 8 tickets for $10 each on the Walk.

Street: How does this Glee Club compare to the TV show, "Glee?"

SV: So, essentially the way we differ from the show Glee—they’re coed, they’re high school. But it’s also the style they like to do. They do music in the acapella style. They make the sound of the instruments similar to what acapella groups here do—a lot of jimbos, cymbals, simulate the sound.

We hardly ever do that. We sing acapella music.

What that means is music that just doesn’t have any instruments, just choral music that is just voices singing in harmony, no instrument sounds with our voices no beatboxing or whatever.

SD: When we were choosing our theme we were definitely inspired by the Occupy Movement. We were certainly not uninspired by the Wharton School. [laughs] SV: We were able to keep it down to only one Wharton joke in the script. It was hard to do!

Street: Tell us about your upcoming show, "Office Bass." Can Penn students expect a musical satire on Wharton and the business world?

SV: Definitely a musical satire on the business world and corporate life. The drama between departments, the drama between interns, the people that are already working there, the corruption that you often see in business. It’s all there—everything from what it’s like to be an intern to sting operations and conspiracies. It’s hilarious.

Street: What’s one of the most memorable aspects of the show?

SV: This is a tradition. The show ends with what we call the 11 o’clock number. The curtain comes down and then we have a coda to the show, which is an end bit. It’s something we’ve always done. It’s our big tap finale. We dress in ties and tails, the whole club. We all tap dance. It’s phenomenal.

SD: So if you can imagine 40 guys tap dancing on one stage, that’s essentially the end of our show.

STREET IS HAVING A FICTION CONTEST. Deadline is TONIGHT at MIDNIGHT. Give us your best. We might put you on the cover. (submit at 34st.com)

Choosing a favorite Mariah Carey song is a doozy (after all, she’s been around since before Britney and has a repertoire to match), but mine would have to be the 1996 winner “Always Be My Baby.” Maybe it has to do with that instantly identifiable opening guitar strum, but “Always Be My Baby” is one of those songs that everyone can recognize, but not everyone can name. Nevertheless, it’s a true Mariah classic—embodying the pop diva in all her '90s glory—complete with easily caricatured vocal runs, humorously long words like “inevitably” and “indefinitely,” a requisite middle–of–song key change and a chorus that demands a sing–along. It’s also just a great, tried–and–true love song, one that’s worth sharing with that special someone this Valentine’s Day. — Michelle Ma

FOALS—"HOLY FIRE” Four minutes into Foals’ new album, “Holy Fire,” the instrumental build–up of pounding drums and plunging guitar strings in “Prelude” establishes an atmospheric vibe that strongly resembles their previous hit, “Spanish Sahara.” The resemblance ends as soon as “Inhaler” begins. Riveting electric guitars strings ease into Yannis Philippakis’s raspy vocals. Soon enough, the song’s prowess builds up to a roaring “and I can’t get enough... SPACE!” Following such a powerful song that perfectly embodies internalized self–conflict, “My Number” opens up with deceptively funk–rock instrumentals. About Grade: B– a minute in, the song takes shape as a catchy, chorus–driven Sounds best when: Pulling pop song. “My Number” is most similar to the repetitive an all-nighter at VP choruses found throughout their previous studio production, 99-cent download: "Inhaler" “Total Life Forever." While “Holy Fire” fails to surpass the band’s previous success, its varied track list is definitely worth the listen.

can u always b our bb? happy v-day.

@34st

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

MARIAH CAREY—"ALWAYS BE MY BABY"

plegauilty sure s

— Ariela Osuna

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013 7

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

CHEESY LOVE SONGS DECODED We take apart the world’s corniest love songs, line by line.

By cassandra Kyriazis and caroline quigley

Song

“You’re havin’ my baby / what a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me” ...Not only is this line terribly cheesy, but as Finn’s rendition on Glee taught us, while this song has intended sincerity it still comes off really weird.

It’s a tie between “baby” and “love.”

Awesome.

Husband to impregnated wife, boyfriend to impregnated girlfriend, friend to friend with a weird sense of humor?

You don't like kids.

The single that jump– started the career of Wisconsin–bred Bon Iver is a cheesy lament about lost love. Released in 2008, "Skinny Love" was featured on Grey’s Anatomy, Chuck and Vampire Diaries before dominating the indie rock world for most of 2011 and the earlier part of 2012.

“Come on skinny love what happened here / We suckled on the hope in light brassieres.” Not only is this nonsensical because, like most Bon Iver lyrics, it’s kind of unintelligible, but his attempt at talking about a couple trying to hold onto hope for their relationship just gets overshadowed by the silliness of the word “brassiere.”

“I tell my love to wreck it all / Cut out all the ropes and let it fall.” A super angsty reference to the power of this guy’s love incites all those feelings of indie cheesiness.

“My” because for two verses he was too lazy to write real lyrics and decided to just say “my” a whole bunch of times.

An ex reflecting on a now–broken relationship.

You just had a rough break up with someone on the thinner side.

This single, released in 2012, has some of the most ridiculous lines about love you'll ever hear. These silly expressions are exactly what we should expect from a seventeen–year–old boy spewing love advice and using the word “swaggie.”

Despite the outlandishness of the lyrics and JBiebs himself, Beliebers made this song a huge commercial success.

“Imma make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow." Unless the snow has the same effect on you as light does on Edward Cullen, this just does not happen. JBiebs should have consulted Rihanna about things that shine brightly before producing this word vomit.

“Chillin' by the fire while we eatin’ fondue."

So cheesy—literally.

Bieber didn’t have to think very hard about a song title.

Awkward tweenage girl unhealthily obsessing over JBiebs.

There are teenage girls around you. This song may provoke extreme reactions such as shouting, crying or even fainting.

Congrats, Calvin, on winning the Grammy Award for Best Short Form Music Video with “We Found Love!” Unfortunately, we don’t think this song will make the cut. Most people ignore the lyrics to this song and play it at parties to inspire aggressive dancing… we recommend it stay that way. Ignorance is bliss?

“You took my heart and you held it in your mouth." Excuse you?

As the first line of the song, this at least captures people’s attention.

“Cause I've swallowed every single word/ And every whisper, every sigh/ Eats away this heart of mine." #desperate.

“Nothing."

Synonymous with “zero,” which reminds us of the number of hours dedicated to writing these repetitive lyrics.

Someone who has been enslaved by love.

Dear enslaved lover, you have a problem… please seek help ASAP.

You’ve been hurt by someone you love and are trying to compensate by being overly happy. The desperate lyrics and overly enthusiastic beat will blow your cover.

GAG METER

GAG METER

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

"Boyfriend"– Justin Bieber

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GAG METER

"Sweet Nothing"– Calvin Harris

4

GAG METER

Don't Listen If

“The need inside you / I see it showin’”... in the form of a baby? Sexual desire takes the fetal position? Okay, Paul.

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Type of Love

Cheesiest Part

The 1974 hit that put Canadian pop singer Paul Anka "You're Having My (not Rory and Lorelai’s dog) Baby"–Paul Anka back on the map. Not only is the song full of incredibly lame lines, but the premise is really weird: a love song about the celebration of an unplanned pregnancy.

"Skinny Love"– Bon Iver

Most Repeated Word

Most Nonsensical Line

Info

It’s going to be the best time of your life:

We were freshmen when your father said he could spend the rest of his life with me until death or incarceration do us part. Beneath those Locust lights, I knew he was the one.

So will go the bedtime stories of the future wearers of “I met my spouse at Penn!” buttons. While setting holographic alarm clocks and tucking 1000 thread–count sheets below the chins of their privately educated children, Proud Penn Spouses will tell their tales of Walnut Street wooing and courting by the compass. And the fantasy will persist for another generation.

What they’ll leave out is the ugly side of the fairy tale. The wild and heartbreaking stories of Baptist church sex and V–cards accidentally swiped.

The 95% of seniors resigned to graduating alone. The relationships with expiration dates, the bitter single WASPs and 4 a.m. handjobs in the bushes outside McNeil. The suffocating invisibility of being alone, the first dates at Chili’s and the raging DFMO addicts don’t make for such a happy ending.

What they do make for is the college experience, in all of its twisted glory. Street asked you to tell us about your love lives and tell you did. We hope you achieved some level of catharsis between writing us soul–crushing, hundred–word mini-essays about that one guy that ruined your life and that story of the time a girl abroad made you bleed (sorry). We compiled your answers and close to 300 of you responded. You had some really interesting (read: bizarre, poignant, tragic) things to say.

Future spouse–button–wearers, shield your virgin eyes.

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

design by chloe bower INTRODUCTION BY PATRICK FORD–MATZ

*Ed note: all components in this introduction are based off of data collected in the following survey.

"No. I apparently don’t release the pheromones that Penn guys like..."

Female, Sophomore "Yes.. He was the first guy I’ve ever kissed. When he broke up with me I couldn’t move or breathe for months. I guess that’s what love feels like." Male, Junior "No, most girls at Penn are like day-old coffee: stale and not hot."

Male, Sophomore "No, who the hell are you going to love here?" Female, Junior

"I’ve found guys enjoy trying to maximize profits across the board rather than watching just one investment grow."

Female, Sophomore

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

"Yeah, my TA wouldn’t have an affair with me :( "Female, Junior "This girl in SDT found out that I wasn’t Jewish and stopped hooking up with me." Male, Sophomore

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"All I could say is: Honestly, I could spend an eternity with this girl, and she would continue to surprise me in every way." Male, Freshman

"Until death or incarceration do us part. I am NOT a ride or die chick."

Female, Senior "For 8 more days. Then I will end my relationship with my girlfriend to start a new one with the lady whom I fell in love with instantly." Male, Freshman

"Currently on a break with carbs." Male, Freshman

"Stalking." Male, Senior "You know that phrase “living pay-check to pay-check”...?

That’s my relationship status (and of course I mean that as a metaphor for getting some, not that I’m a prostitute)." Female, Freshman "Single. I’m thinking of buying two cats: lonesome and solitude." Female, Sophomore

Describe Penn’s dating culture in one sentence.

"Sloppy, grimy fluid exchange." Female, Junior "Difficult for WASPs." Female, Senior "Too many gays. Not enough time." Male, Junior "DFMO (PRONOUNCED DIF-MO)" Female, Sophomore "Everyone is scared." Female, Sophomore "You’re either in a serious relationship and everyone hates you, or you’re not and you hate yourself." Female, Sophomore "Kind of hard with OCR." Male, Junior "Brief interviews with hideous men." Female, Junior "Are you Jewish?" Female, Freshman

Do you have a romance-related message for anyone at Penn?

"NOTICE ME." Female, Sophomore

"To my girlfriend: I want you to be the woman I want to marry, but you aren’t... not yet."

Male, Sophomore "To the guy who used carrot sticks as bait to bring me back to his room during NSO Freshman year: I giggle inside every time I see you." Female, Junior "Dear girl, we were never friends, but we know each other.

Your boyfriend has been cheating on you with me and probably other girls. I was enjoying the sex when I thought you weren’t seriously dating, but now that I know, I’m on your team. We are both better than him." Female, Junior "To the only guy who could look sexy while driving old ladies in a golf cart, happy 6 months and here’s to many more." Female, Senior

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

"No. It’s hard out here for a pimp. (More specifically, Penn’s dating culture fosters a belief that you will always be alone until you aren’t.)" Male, Sophomore "No. I just don’t think girls here are picking up what I’m putting down. I’m also a guy and decidedly not from Miami, Manhattan or Southern California." Male, Junior

"Stairwell of the National Women’s Republican Club in NYC." Male, Senior "Full on intercourse in Rittenhouse Square. TOP THAT." Male, Junior "In a field on a hunting reserve. There was periodic gunfire around us the whole time." Female, Sophomore

"GSR 343." Male Senior "A guy tried to take me on a first date to the food court next to CVS. Derp derp derp."

Female, Senior "Chaperoned bowling." Female, Freshman "Commons slop" Male, Freshman

"You don’t feel disgusting af-

ter you cum." Male, Senior

"A blowie in the back of the cab if he pays for dinner." Male, Junior "I think you accidentally typed a question mark at the end of a declarative statement."

Female, Sophomore

Worst hook-up at Penn?

"Probably not. I’m ambitious and self-centered like most Penn kids. I’d like to but I’m not going to cry my eyes out over it." Female, Junior "I am totally getting married and having all of the Babies.

I want to be married and Pregnant by 2015." Female, Junior "Yes, but not until I’m like 34, and hopefully not to someone over 24." Male, Senior "YEAAAAAAAAAH. But only if I get to wear a suit too."

Female, Junior "Yes. Oh yes. It suits my political ambitions." Male, Sophomore "Yes. I’m Indian. I don’t really have any other option." Female, Freshman

"Ha. You can’t eat at the buffet if you’re handcuffed to your own dinner table." Female, Freshman

"Yes. To a gold-digging whore who only marries me for my money." Male, Sophomore "Yes because I want to take my kids to little league." Male, Freshman

"He tried to substitute lube with conditioner. Shit burns and tastes awful" Female, Senior "I only hook up with hot and talented people." Male, Junior "I have had so many boys come in 30 seconds I cannot even begin to tell you. It’s happened maybe 40% of the time with new boys." Female, Senior "Atlantis stripper and the free cheesesteak. More like greatest shakedown." Male, Senior "Hooked penis" Female, Sophomore "'Calm down if I was going to rape you I would have done it already' ...I hope that speaks for itself." Female, Senior "I don’t remember the majority." Female, Junior "This was abroad, but she had really sharp nails and was ‘down there.’ There was blood involved..." Female, Junior

Biggest romantic regret at Penn?

"I took a boy’s v-card without realizing it.

He really regretted it afterwards and I still feel a bit guilty about it." Female, Junior "Not having sex with a girl (yet)." Female "Hooking up with my crush and then accidentally texting him instead of my best friend that his penis is average." Female, Sophomore "I’ve always wanted to have an orgy in Huntsman while wearing a power tie and a Freddy Kreuger mask. The fun kind of orgy, not the weird kind." Male, Junior "That one time freshman year when I accidentally slept with a suspected Nazi."

Female, Junior "Being too ‘busy’ to give it a shot" Female, Sophomore

Most romantic gesture at Penn?

"Asked my girl out under the lights on the walk, on a knee." Male, Freshman "He wanted to hook up again in the morning, sober." Female, Freshman "My boyfriend brought me flowers when I had to go to the hospital because I got a leaf in my eye." Female, Sophomore

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

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"Definitely. If I’m paying 50K a year to attend Penn, I’m not leaving without a Wharton MRS. Degree." Female, Freshman

"I had one of the best orgasms of my life in the bathroom in Harnwell’s rooftop lounge." Female, Senior "M&T office. Free printing AND a blowjob?" Male, Senior "On the back porch of a Baptist Church in the back woods of a hick town in the farmlands surrounding Scranton, Pennsylvania." Male, Junior

"I thought we were networking..."Female, Freshman

"Sharing the last bite of Chicken Tikka Masala." Female, Sophomore "Love is losing logic." Female, Sophomore "Love is sober shower sex." Female, Senior "Buying my girlfriend fiber pills for Valentine’s day." Male, Senior

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF GETTING MARRIED?

"Movie theater during 'The Spongebob Movie.'" Female, Junior "Let’s just say the Ben Franklin bench isn’t as bad as it sounds." Male, Freshman

"No, I need a strong man solid in his relationship with Jesus who is ready to commit himself to loving the Lord and me."

Female, Senior "I don’t think my parents will let me graduate until I come home with my own pair of matzo balls." Female, Freshman

Define love in one sentence.

"Grindr." Male, Senior

SEE THE REST ONLINE AT 34ST.COM

Weirdest place you ever hooked up?

"Outside of McNeil - a handjob in the bushes @ 4AM on a spring night freshman year."

Female, Senior

Weirdest first date?

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If taken, how long do you think it will last?

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

SAFE HAVEN

By MAX HANSEN

Grade: C Metacritic: N/A Rating and run time: PG-13, 115 min.

See if you liked: "Dear John" The newest Nicholas Sparks movie, “Safe Haven,” is part of a proud legacy of romantic melodrama that includes “A Walk to Remember” and “The Notebook.” But “Safe Haven” doesn’t live up to its predecessors: this time, Sparks gives us a total dud. The emotional climax, the big reason we see Sparks' movies, is premature and spoils the promising buildup.

The rest of the movie is a largely unsuccessful attempt to jerk a few tears with a story that went limp long ago. Sparks pulls no punches in trying to make us feel something for the tragic lovers—there are scenes of visceral domestic violence and cheesy sex, and one character turns out to be a ghost. Despite its best efforts, “Safe Haven” falls flat. If you’re looking for the next “Notebook,” look elsewhere.

SIDE EFFECTS

WHY WE LOVE TO GET SCARED

By JACK NESSMAN

Grade: B Metacritic: 74% Rating and run time: R, 106 min.

See if you liked: "The Uninvited"

Steven Soderbergh’s “Side Effects” proves that it’s a terrible idea to try to wake a sleepwalker, especially when she has a knife. Rooney Mara plays Emily, a depressed young woman who apparently commits murder while on a new medication. The problem with “Side Effects” is that while it’s posed as a psychological thriller, there is never any real sense of mystery. Worse, the stakes are never high enough for us to care. Mara eventually delivers an intriguing and complex performance, though she seems inexplicably exhausted in the early scenes, while Catherine Zeta–Jones’ shady pshychologist is instantly betrayed by her devilishly arched eyebrows. Grinning with gotcha moments and moving at a surprisingly relaxed pace, “Side Effects” is a good, but flawed, movie.

If you paid attention in your PSYC001 lecture like we did, then you’ll know that there’s a strong correlation between the physiological responses for fear and love. A lot of the physical symptoms of fear—sweating, faster heart rate, increased respiration—are the same symptoms that you experience with sexual arousal. It’s not the fear that turns you on, it’s that your body misinterprets your physical reaction as one of sexual stimulation. In fact, the Schachter–Singer theory tested this idea by making one group of men walk across a wobbly suspension bridge and the other walk across a safe, stable bridge. To simplify the results: after, men who went across the scary bridge were more sexually aroused. In addition, horror movies provide an emotional catharsis that is often associated with pleasure. So there you have it—science that explains why curling up with your special someone to watch “Silence of the Lambs” can be so damn arousing.

— Alexandra Jaffe

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

Reason #8 to

12

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START HERE: Are you watching this alone or with a significant other?

Nope, it’s just me, myself, and I!

With a special someone. We've been together since...

SAFE HAVEN (2013) Poor little lamb. Enjoy a traditional Nicholas Sparks chick flick (out right now) as you drown yourself in buttery popcorn and tears.

This is our first date. Fingers crossed.

Freshman year NSO sweethearts!

How long have you known each other?

We met on Tinder.

Is the spark still alive?

I've been watching him for months. But we just "met" yesterday.

NO.

Aw yeah. What's the wildest spot you've gotten it on?

MISERY (1990) Where are you going for your date?

We're taking in the view from the sky lounge of the Pyramid Club.

Hey creepy person, why not get some inspiration from the the queen of the fangirls herself, Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates)? From drugging her beloved to breaking his ankles with a sledgehammer, Annie’s got this romance thing in the bag.

Relive the classic tale of beauty and the beast, only in this case the beauty is a twentysomething blonde bombshell and the beast is a freakishly giant gorilla who is the ruler of an uncharted island of monsters.

Celebrate Valentine’s day with one of film’s favorite foodies: Hannibal the Cannibal (Anthony Hopkins). And maybe you can follow up those fava beans by putting lotion on each other’s skin. Kinky!

SIXTH SENSE (1999) Little Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment) doesn’t have any problem communicating with his loved ones. Learn to really connect with one another by enjoying this M. Night Shyamalan masterpiece from back when he wasn’t a hack.

He's busy with work and never has time to play.

THE SHINING (1980) Like your S.O., Jack Nicholson needs to learn how to manage his personal life and his career. So he takes his wife and son to a charming, historic hotel where they can all get closer. As the son grows up and explores the grounds, Jack and his wife can rekindle their passion. He also makes lots of progress on the book he is writing, so it's a win–win for all parties!

SAW (2004) What's the problem?

The "Saw" films are all about appreciating life and appreciating each other.

Besides, nothing says “I love you” like being forced to save the one you love from a pit of hypodermic needles.

A shower in the Quad. Don’t worry, we wore flip-flops!

PSYCHO (1960) "Psycho" is known for its super hot shower scene. The plot is pure romance, too: a woman looking to get away for the weekend finds a nice hotel where she meets a bashful and kind young man who can barely hide his attraction for her.

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)

She never listens to me.

An abandoned warehouse on 50th and Baltimore.

I have a table reserved for us at Sweetgreen.

KING KONG (1933)

highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow

quiz: Which horror movie is perfect for your valentine's day?

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highbrow & drink film feature highbrow ego ego food music film feature food &music drink arts arts lowbrow lowbrow

I LOVE YOU, FRIEND(S) FILM 34

ST

In the U.S., Valentine's Day is all about love, romance and gag–inducing frilly pink hearts—but around the world, February 14 is also a time to celebrate that other kind of love: friendship. Here at Street, we digyou that sohow grabyou your and treat yourselves to a Filmreally polled to fiidea, nd out areBFFs getting your Sunday afternoon fun night out.

Pro tip: candlelit Italian are full of couples.

BY restaurants ANTHONY KHAYKIN movie fixes.

Here’s what we learned.

Kirillov Get more houghcreative. we all knowBy theVera watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stu-

DO YOU PAY PER VIEW?

T

Interneta lazy is for bunch… porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their If you’re (thanks Avenue League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free Try: Ethiopian fare in Q), WestthePhilly bedroom is no aboutspicy 17%and of Penn undergrads streaming websites SideReel If you’re in thelonger mood the for only something exotic, but don’t want to walk morelike than a few area being digital terri-Ethiopian watching movies at the Rave ev- City. and Ch131 rather than includpay for blocks, tryceded one oftothe several restaurants in University All of the dishes, tory.many For every girl withoptions, daddy’sareery semester. services provided Netflix and ing vegetarian served on a large platter, with nothing but injeraby(spongy flat AmEx, towindow But how about the for other ste- extra Redbox? bread) scoop itbrowsing up. Orderonyour dishes family–style some bonding and get dirty, too.

Fifth Avenue hasEthio been Café replaced that says all colof uson watch Local favorites (225 reotype, S. 45th the St.)one and Abyssinia (229 S.While 45th 75% St.) are the movsame with online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for block!

FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a allyyour been rendered useless (puna lot possible the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hysIf group has ofbypicky eaters… intended) with the(4420 existence of St.) terical, but is Try: Manakeesh Walnut Whosespecializes recommendations do you take? flatbread with the multifarious iTunes store. restaurant it worth the This family–owned Lebanese in a wood oven–fired a variety 50 and spinach and cheese.47.7% arethat no include differentspicy here shrimp 1.5 saladsfor at of Things toppings Enjoy some delicious baklava Other at Penn,orwhere thedoor Rave Sweetgreen dessert, go next to gets the conveniently–located smoothie bar for some fresh–squeezed juice 40% 40 A Friend nearly half yogurt. the traffi c foryour the time dining with your friends here and enjoy it Eastern would and frozen Take the Middle Cinema Studies midnightand screenings of complete block- with have cost if 30 Moroccan–style lanterns hanging interior ambience, from the ceiling.

Major 26.2% 25% 25% buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA 20 does the day after the in theaters?

If you want to newest get far, far away from the Penn Street love–fest… episode of 30 Rock airs.(915 ThisArch St.) Ramen nooTry: E Mei Restaurant 10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more makes sense.

We Penn dles aren’t Gather together eight students or nine of your friends and head down to Chinatown: make sure to rethan one option.

0 are too that bad, serve one busy of theprocrastinating traditional round tables with a rotating center, designed for family–style shar-I on Penn andindesigning.

E MeiInTouch specializes hot dishes cooked with red chili–oil, perfect for spicing upguess. your night. ing funny pinnies forbowl entertainment and yourThe average Penn Just be surelacrosse to order a large of white riceaccessible to share with group—these spicystudent dishes the clubs we’refaint involved in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if aren’t for the of heart. leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch-

Head, shoulders, knees How Penn Students Watch Movies and toes...

Borrow from Library

24.6%

Don't Watch Movies Theaters

47.7%

Free Streaming

16.9%

Paid Online Services

9.2% 1.5%

Why do you go to the movies?

3.1% 25% 25%

6.3%

Other It's a way to hang out with friends

40.6%

It's a good study break It makes you feel relaxed and happy

...take your food to Required for Class places it's never been this valentine's day

es seven movies, more or less, every semester. Simple arithmetic proves that it’s $40 cheaper to watch said movies on Netflix than at the Rave, and an additional $20 less on iTunes (cost of popcorn and Mike and Ikes not included in these calculations). The low cost of watching seven movies on iTunes for >> Total amount of less than 30 bucks is worth the money spent in movie many conveniences that online theaters* by Penn paid services afford us: not bestudents each semester ing interrupted by incessant buffering and commercials, the immunity to computer viruses and most importantly, not having to wait 54 minutes after >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie money spent watching on Megavideo. online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small paid for online services price to pay when you look at used iTunes* the big picture — the combined savings of the 47.7% of Penn students who pay for their online services rather than going to the movie theater is somewhere between $196,136 and $295,344, >> Total amount of depending on whether they use money spent watching Netflix or iTunes, respectively. online, if all people who Moral the story is:·we won't PApaid 37 of N. Third Street Philadelphia, 19106 · for· 267-671-0737 online services vagabondboutique.com · judge if you just stay· in bed. used Netflix*

BY THE NUMBERS

$153,701

34TH STREET STREET Magazine 1, 2011 34TH Magazine December February 14, 2013

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*A simple random sample of 100 Penn undergrads were surveyed to collect data about their film viewing habits.

*$12.50/ticket at the Rave *$3.99 to rent a movie on iTunes *$7.99/month on Netflix

F&D decided to play cupid, Street style. In lieu of heart–shaped balloons and chocolate covered strawberries, we sent Gary Kafer and Stephen Masso to dinner at The Corner to check out its laidback vibe, enhanced comfort food, and one another.

The Daters: Stephen Masso (left), a sophomore in Engineering from Queens, New York. He spends his days studying systems engineering and working at Philly AIDS thrift. By night, he wears his sweet thrift store duds to explore Philly’s party scene with his best friends. He likes DIY T-shirts, Crystal Castles and getting lost.

Gary Kafer (right) is a junior in the College hailing from southern Virginia with a double major in Visual Studies and Cinema Studies. He’s the head music writer for Penn’s student radio station, WQHS, and a barista at Williams Cafe. He likes goat cheese, performance art and Bjork.

First Impressions The Restaurant: SM: Right off the bat, you can tell that The Corner attracts an indie type with a classy taste. You know, the whole dimly lit, exposed lightbulb situation, dark wood benches and these dope candle holders fashioned out of bike gears.

GK: The uniqueness of The Corner stems from the fact that everything seems to be made of wood. Like everything. I kind of felt like I was in a bougie wooden lodge for foodies and lumberjacks...

I think I saw moose antlers too. It was rustic, but cozy.

Perfect spot for a date or any other special occasion.

The Service:

The Food: SM: I was happy to see that they offered some of my favorite comfort foods with a bit more oomph. I mean, you can’t go wrong sharing some fried pickles ($3), spicy tuna tartare ($14) and salmon perogies ($12) to start off the night and then moving to a fancy–shmancy truffle grilled cheese ($17).

GK: The food was fantastic—everything you’d want from a place that advertises itself as “American cuisine,” but with some surprising

The Sweet Stuff: SM: We shared an awesome dessert called The Elvis which was a pound cake a la mode on top of peanut butter spread, topped off with chocolate ice cream and, of course, peanut and bacon brittle.

GK: Yeah, I don’t think I need to elaborate on that.

102 S. 13th St. (215) 735-7500

Don't Miss: "The Elvis" dessert. $$$$

Would you do it again?

SM: Definitely, the food was great.

GK: Yeah, the restaurant had plenty to offer: I checked out the menu online and their brunch looks very enticing. They have foie gras doughnuts... I want to eat that.

We didn’t mean the restaurant…

SM: I would definitely chill with Gary again. I think a concert is more our element, though.

GK: It was great getting to know Stephen. He has a cool style and personality, so I’d definitely like to hang out with him in the future.

The Convo: SM: My conversation with Gary was just as comfortable as the food. We found out we’re similar in many ways: we’re both a bit hard to figure out ethnically (we’re both Latino and Italian), we both have favorite colors that receive questionable responses and we both love to cook. He’s a really creative guy with a fine appreciation for film. Plus, he likes circles.

There’s nothing not to like about him.

GK: Stephen’s a very easy– going and fun guy. We actually knew each other somewhat peripherally before the date, so it wasn’t difficult at all to ease into conversation.

We actually have quite a bit in common, so it was nice to be able to chat about our shared interests, instead of the usual small talk centered around Penn and academics.

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

SM: The service was pretty great, we were checked up on frequently and drinks were refilled instantly, which I was happy about.

GK: Very friendly and attentive. The staff seemed delighted to have us there, which made the whole experience very relaxing.

twists. I spotted fried pickles in the ‘bar snacks’ section, so I obviously had to try those too, and no, that’s not weird at all. For the main course I had the smoked duck breast, which was cooked perfectly, but I wish there was some sort of vegetable side dish to compliment the meat.

the corner

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BLIND DATE: VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION

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highbrow ego music film feature food & drink arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013 16

THE FINE ART OF TAXIDERMY How does one become a taxidermy artist? AMC’s new unscripted reality show, “Immortalized,” will attempt to answer this question for viewers. Each episode portrays the artistic and technical complexities of taxidermy when one of four expert “immortalizers” faces off against a novice “challenger” in an effort to win over a panel of judges with stuffed creations.

Beth Beverly’s interest in rogue taxidermy was sparked about twelve years ago, when she was living in a loft in Old City. Beverly recalls that while roaming around Philadelphia, she would find dead birds on the sidewalk and would be “too upset at the thought of them going to waste and rotting on the sidewalk” to leave them. She started to discretely pick them up with plastic bags, “the same way you would pick up dog poo,” and tuck them in her purse. Soon after, she bought a book on taxidermy, got to work stuffing her first bird, and hasn’t

Taxidermy artist Beth Beverly gives us an inside look on her unconventional choice of medium. Check out her new reality show “Immortalized” on AMC. By jillian di filippo

stopped since.

But Beverly’s interest in art made from natural materials goes back much further than 12 years. Even as a child, she frequently incorporated feathers and animal fibers into the barrettes and earrings she crafted in her bedroom.

Her interest led her to study jewelry–making at the Tyler School of Art in Philadelphia, although she says if she could go back and do it over, she would have just gone to trade school. “I just wanted to do what I wanted to” Beverly recalls. “I’m really bad in situations where people are telling me what to do… and there’s a lot of that in college.”

After college, Beverly held what she describes as “an array of bizarre jobs,” including window dresser, party promoter and cruise ship warrantee technician.

The flexible hours they permitted gave her free time to actively participate in the “artsy bubble” that Beverly claims to have lived in her whole life. So when she

first got into taxidermy, her friends and family didn’t even “[bat] an eye.” Beverly laughs and concedes, “I’ve always done weird stuff.”

Now she has a studio in Kensington that’s full of weird stuff—scraps of fur, gems, sawdust (for stuffing), feathers and various metals.

Beverly values the growing “artists’ community” in Kensington, as well as the refreshing “juxtaposition” that Philly natives and their more “hard–ass” mannerisms add to the local art scene. She particularly likes that they’re “not afraid to criticize you and engage in healthy debate.”

At the moment, there is a seven–foot snake sitting in an “enormous” freezer in Beverly’s studio. It belongs to one of her clients and is not an unusual occurrence, as a small percentage of Beverly’s business is preserving owners’ beloved pets.

Beverly entered a dog in the Carnivorous Nights (a rogue taxidermy competition in Brooklyn) in 2010 and won. “Elke,” a glam-

orously–styled white rat terrier, caught the attention of AMC producers, who at the time were in the beginning stages of developing “Immortalized.”

In addition to pets, Beverly transforms chickens (often given to her by friends who own a farm in upstate New York), whole pheasants and ducks from a trusted local butcher into elegantly dramatic art. She is passionate about using the entire animal whenever possible. Once, she entered a hat into a show that “was basically a duck perched on [her] head.” Someone asked her if she had really killed the duck, to which she replied, “yes, I did, and it was delicious!” Beverly wants her work to convey the message that “if you’re going to eat something, maybe you should make something out of it too.”

Beverly focuses on creating wearable pieces, and finds it “rewarding to be looked at,” while donning her work. But she doesn’t wear her art to the

supermarket or to walk the dog—Beverly knows that “there is a time and place for everything.” She rarely misses a chance to wear her art to special events, such as Mercedes Benz Fashion Week, where her hat titled “The Bobby” (given its name for its British police hat style) was featured in fashion designer Cesar Galindo’s Fall 2013 collection this past Friday.

While it may seem that “Immortalized” is turning Beverly’s alternative, avant– garde art into more mainstream pop culture, she is at peace with the limelight.

“Taxidermy work is messy.

There’s enough to keep me grounded,” Beverly states confidently. She hopes that the show will “shatter” some of the misconceptions that still cloud the craft of taxidermy. And at the end of the day, Beverly explains, she’s still “living in a tiny row home in South Philly” and “riding [her] bike to [her] studio,” just like she has been all along.

Get some V–Day inspiration from these classic romantics. We've got you covered, Beethoven to Ben.

{

5 CREATIVE GENIUSES' POETIC WORDS ON LOVE

By GINA DECAGNA

Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

Beethoven (1770-1827)

Picasso, who claimed “women are machines for suffering,” was notorious for carrying on affairs with hundreds of the ladies he encountered.

Although he only had two wives, there were seven women very important in Picasso’s life, each of whom has her own Picasso portrait. Two of these women were suicidal and two went mad. When the guy writes poetry about being incomplete without his passionate love by saying “Your hair is my forest of ecstasy,” you might understand why.

Poems to Read: “Does She Know I am There? I Doubt” and “My Love Has Withered Away” Lesson Learned: Stay away from depressed, obsessive creeps.

Though this musical genius did not actually compose poetry, he wrote about fifteen love letters to a certain woman named Josephine. He carried on romantic exchanges with some other women throughout his life, though he never tied the knot. They were women beyond his common social class, so he was rejected due to societal custom, though they may have reciprocated his love. In his most famous letter whose recipient is not distinguished, Beethoven wrote with musical, poetic repetition: “what tearful longings for you—you—you—my life—my all—farewell.”

Look Up: “Good morning, on July 7” Lesson Learned: Make sure your “Immortal Beloved” is someone you can actually be with.

Michelangelo (1475-1564) You may only know this Renaissance man for his impeccable sculptures and paintings, but he was also quite the love poet. Writing over three hundred sonnets in his lifetime, Michelangelo, like Shakespeare, composed several sonnets for a specially admired young man. Michelangelo additionally held a soft spot for a poetess named Vittoria Colonna, with whom he exchanged intimate letters for 10 years. She was the spiritual muse of much of his work, in which he yearned for the ideal and unattainable woman. Poor, poor, Michelangelo.

Poems to Read: “Celestial Love” and “To Vittoria Colonna” Lesson Learned: Set realistic standards in your love life if you want any lovin’ at all.

Check out 34st.com for direct links to the poetry!

Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) We all know the founder of our university had one wild love life (with many bastard children as by–products), but he was able to share his wisdom on women just as well as his wisdom on establishing a republican democracy. For one thing, Franklin claimed that a single man is “an incomplete animal.” For another, Franklin warns you not to rush into marriage, which grows tiresomely boring, in case a fair Venus mystically appears and gives you a call.

Poems to Read: “Fair Venus Calls” and “Wedlock” Lesson Learned: Explore all your options. Spice up your life.

William Blake (1757-1827) This poet–painter–printmaker fell in love with his wife when she pitied him for having been rejected by another woman. Blake was a predecessor of the 20th century “free love” movement, arguing against marriage without love and against chastity as a virtue. Blake has several about those sappy feelings of being connected with your heart's other half. Otherwise, remember, “If a thing loves, it is infinite.”

Poems to Read: “Love and Harmony” and “The Garden of Love” Lesson Learned: Love is a beautiful thing that everyone ought to have.

Love Penn? Tell accepted students why!

The Office of Admissions is seeking volunteers to assist with Penn Preview Days Learn more and sign up at http://goo.gl/NheC3

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

WE WANT YOU!

Check out an interview and videos of Strictly Funk member Tanya Thanawalla online @34st.com.

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THE ARTFUL ROMANTIC

P.S. We have free swag!

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The Vagina Dialogues Two vaginas are just waiting for the bus together.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Sorry I’m not the best conversationalist. I’m used to delivering monologues.

BAD VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS Chocolate is the ultimate aphrodisiac: melt it and lick it off your partner's body or feed it to each other romantically. You can never go wrong with chocolate! Right? Wrong! The following are chocolate no–nos this V–Day.

HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU:

1. Try to get it sent in a Penn alert.

2. Carve it into a tree (NOT A BONSAI TREE).

3. Softly with Marvin Gaye/Barry White mashup playing in the background.

4. Te amo.

5. T’estimo.

6. J’taime.

7.

8. Or literally any other languages that your partner SPEAKS.

HOW NOT TO SAY I LOVE YOU:

1. Do not say “I do not love everyone but you.”

2. Do not put it on a cookie, a cake, a hamburger or a pizza. Or the Jumbotron.

3. Do not put it in this font: I love you.

4. Do not whisper it on a windy day.

5. Do not make it the end of an elaborate scavenger hunt.

6. Do not have it tattooed on your lover’s body while they’re sleeping.

7. Do not read it from your hand.

8. Do not send it in a reply all to a listserv.

9. Do not write it in blood. Any kind of blood.

10. Make sure you do not say “I love you” in the same breath as any word that stars with “c–” and ends in “unt.”

HOW TO REACT TO SOMEONE SAYING HE/SHE LOVES YOU:

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

1. Say: “I love you too”...duh.

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This chocolate snail.

This chocolate snake.

This chocolate skull.

This chocolate Jesus.

This realistic choco- This chocolate rendition of your ex. late human heart.

This chocolate Moses.

This chocolate Mohammad.

HOW NOT TO REACT TO SOMEONE SAYING HE/SHE LOVES YOU

1. “Hold on, what did you say? I was reading 34th Street Magazine.”

2. “Say that again? Sorry, I was distracted by that really attractive person walking by.”

3. “I’m asexual.”

4. “I’m polyamorous.”

5. “I’m in love with a stripper.”

6. “I know you’re a stripper, but I’m in love with that other stripper.”

7. “Get in line.”

8. “Who?” 9. “Me too.”

10. "Wait... what was your name again?"

You were hoping to spend all Valentine's Day in bed, but not like this!

disclaimer: this section is as real as talking vaginas. so like VERY real. except not.

6:59 a.m.

You wake up and your alarm hasn’t gone off yet. The snooze button isn’t working! Oh my God! This is the worst! You go to unplug your alarm and you get a little bit electrocuted, but you’re okay! Just that little buzz that reminds you to be careful!

7:00 a.m.

You step out of bed and you step right onto a skateboard and lose your balance and fall. Now you’re back in bed! You slowly drift back off to sleep.

11:39 a.m.

Oh shit! You’re late! You fell back asleep and your alarm was unplugged. Who unplugs their alarm?!

THE FOLLOWING SECTION IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

A guide to bars and nightclubs on or near Penn’s campus

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THE WORST VALENTINE’S DAY EVER

11:40 a.m.

Well, fuck this, you should just go back to bed.

12:06 p.m.

Okay, time to wake up.

12:07 p.m.

You can do this, put one foot in front of the other and get out of bed.

12:08 p.m.

BONK! Your shelf came loose and it hit you on head.

You see stars. Then you pass out.

4:00p.m.

10 missed calls from your mom. You have a “Happy Valentine’s Day!” text from no one.

5:30 p.m.

You fell asleep again. You know when you sleep so much that you’re too tired to not be asleep? That’s what happened to you.

5:35 p.m.

Valentine's Day is pretty much over—forget about asking that cute girl/boy in your ECON 101 recitation out for a date. You are a total schmuck/schmuckess.

Now it's time to dust off that VHS of "When Harry Met Sally" and go to town on that tub of chunky monkey.

Nestled on historical Sansom Street in University City, Philadelphia since 1986. We offer a vast array of draft beers. Our European draft beer system imported from County Cork, Ireland, gives us reason to boast that we pour the Best Pint in the City! Kitchen open till 1am daily w/half price menu Sun-Thurs.

First Phila. Quizo location ever • Quizo every Mon & Wed at 10pm.

452-472 N. 9th Street • 215-908-2063 starlight-ballroom.com FREE PIZZA NIGHTS every Wednesday night from 9pm-2am. Industrial/house music night

Venue available to book parties!

40th & Spruce • 215-382-1330 • copabanana.com/uni.php Copabanana is THE place to go for margaritas! Half price margaritas Mondays from noon to midnight. Happy Hour Mondays to Fridays from 5-7pm. Open late seven days a week! Philly’s award winning DJ Karaoke Joe is now at the Copabanana from 9:30 on Thursdays!

Stop in for Sunday brunch!

34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

4:01p.m.

Does it even make sense to try and get up at this point? It’s dark. Maybe you should just try again tomorrow...

3408 Sansom Street • 215-386-4600

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34TH STREET Magazine February 14, 2013

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