03.31.2016

March 31–April 6, 2016 34st.com

THE DISCONNECT BETWEEN PENN AND STUDENT VETERANS

march 31

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

2016

LOL

Penn admission decisions come out today, and while I may be far enough removed from high school not to know anyone who applied, it’s still a nice reminder of how far I’ve come.

When I got into Penn, I was so confident I knew who I was. I had a boyfriend that I loved, friends who I tolerated and parents who supported me. I had a job and my license and I knew how to get beer without being carded. And I wore a lot of color.

Over the course of my freshman year at Penn, I broke up with my boyfriend, made friends who I actually wanted to be around and stopped fighting with my dad. I also was rejected from something, felt poor and went to therapy for the first time in my life. And I wore my first all black outfit.

This winter break, I went to dinner with my three best friends from high school. The four of us met in fifth grade and had stayed close ever since, despite attending

3 HIGHBROW

sabs pro tips, overheards, roundup

4 WORD ON THE STREET

if you're reading this in print...

5 EGO

sorority/frat houses, eotw: jane meyer

LOL

LOL

LOL

LOL

LOL

7 TECH

we train, weiss labs

10 FEATURE

penn veterans

12 VICE & VIRTUE

open letter to people who still use too much tongue, juice

15 FILM & TV

bad feminism, kenn kweder

17 ARTS

colored girls museum, uzodinma iweala,

19 LOWBROW LOL

disney

different high schools and making a lot of new friends—until we got to college. These days we hardly talk, and as I sat at that dinner I could definitively say that if we met now we would never be friends.

When we left, my one friend turned to me and said, "It’s funny, we’ve all just become more extreme versions of ourselves." I’ve thought about that a lot in the past couple months, and it resonates a lot with me. I think I always was who I am now, I was just stuck in an environment that wasn’t letting me figure it out. College is great because it lets you do just that (if you don’t believe me, read page 4).

So, to all the high school seniors who will soon become bright–eyed, confused, and—tbh—annoying freshmen next fall, don’t be afraid to let Penn change your life, but remember to maintain a sense of yourself.

**STREET SCAVENGER HUNT** SHOW UP TO OUR WRITER'S MEETING TONIGHT AT 6:30 PM, 4015 'NUT WITH ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ITEMS TO WIN A PRIZE: A SINGLE YOGURT PRETZEL, A THIMBLE, A CAN–DO ATTITUDE, DORA THE EXPLORER'S BACKPACK, THREE HAIRS FROM A WISE AGED TORTOISE, AT LEAST TWO OF DJ KHALED'S KEYS, THE CURE FOR ZIKA, A REALLY SMALL AMOUNT OF ITALIAN ICE, MY FATHER'S READING GLASSES, SPY KIDS 2, JAMES FRANCO, NO FEWER THAN SEVEN WEDNESDAYS, EXPIRED TRISCUITS, A TWO–BIT BAR, A CONFIRMED WITCH, AN UNCONFIRMED WITCH, THE SOCIAL CONSTRUCT THAT IS "TIME," AN ORIGINAL THNEED FROM THE TIME OF THE LORAX'S PUBLICATION, A VERY RARE FIVE LEAF CLOVER AND ONE OF THE PLASTIC SHOT GLASS THINGS FROM SMOKES'.

GOOD LUCK, SEE YOU ALL TONIGHT. LOVE, MIKAELA

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Managing Editor Giulia Imholte, Audience Engagement Director Jeffrey Yang, Design Director Remi Lederman, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Orly Greenberg, Features Editor Mark Paraskevas, Word on the Street Editor Steph Barron, Word on the Street Editor Emily Hason, Campus Editor Julie Levitan, Culture Editor Brandon Slotkin, Entertainment Editor Rachel Rubin, Lowbrow Editor Genny Hagedorn, Highbrow Beat Keara Jenkins, Highbrow Beat Elena Modesti, Ego Beat Genevieve Glatsky, Ego Beat 2

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Melissa Curley, Music Beat Sydney Hard, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beatlet Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beatlet Madison Bell-Rosof, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Nick Joyner, Film and TV Beat Emily Schwartz, Film and TV Beat Zoe Albano-Oritt, Tech Beat Hannah Noyes, Tech Beat Dina Zaret, Vice & Virtue Beat Chloe Shakin, Vice & Virtue Beat Jackie Lawyer, Lowbrow Beat Jack Cody, Lowbrow Beat Nadia Kim, Design Editor Sofie Praestgaard, Design Editor Alex Fisher, Photo Editor Katie Dumke, Photo Editor

Isabel Zapata, Photo Editor Sara Thalheimer, Copy Director Elana Waldstein, Copy Director Sola Park, Copy Editor Chloe Cheng, Copy Editor Blake Brashear, Social Media Editor Rhea Aurora, Social Media Editor Staff Writers: Frank Augello, Caroline Harris, Mike Coyne, Hallie Brookman, Olivia Fitzpatrick, Jillian Karande Staff Photographers: Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, Julie Chu Cheong Contributors: Cassandra Kyriazis, Andrea Begleiter, Ariana McGinn

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Katie Dumke, Isabel Zapata, Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh and Julie Chu Cheong.

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at johns@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585.

To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "Oh my god that's your butt! And it hit me in the head!" ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

PERFECTING THE

ARTOF SABS

over heard PENN at

The quintessential guide on how to "See And Be Seen."

Tip #1: For the SABS rookie, the first thing you need to know is location is everything. If you’re looking for the best place to post up with a squad, try outside of Frontera or College Green. Reserve Capogiro for that job interview so you can flaunt your pre–professionalism to all the plebes on Walnut. If you want a less conspicuous SABS spot (do those even really exist?), the tables across from Phi Delt are your go–to.

Tip #2: The benches outside of Van Pelt belong exclusively to international students smoking cigarettes. If this doesn't apply to you, find another place to SABS. The only exception to this rule is if you have a three–to–one ratio of sceney smokers to disgruntled grad students.

Tip #3: Strike a power pose. Psychology tells us that taking up an obnoxious amount of space with our bodies makes us feel like we’re the shit. Let everyone else know by leaning nonchalantly to one side as you rest your other arm on the back of your chair. For added effect, extend the legs and cross them at the ankles for a pose that screams, "I am the Lord of Locust."

Tip #4: Wear sunglasses. This gives off the illusion that you’re actually paying attention to what your friend has to say when in reality you’re checking out all the people checking you out.

THEROUNDUP Some lucky Quakers spent this weekend hunting for eggs full of candy and chocolate bunnies; Highbrow’s here to assure you that our Easter basket caught all the sweet gossip. The absurdity might come as a shock, like the the strangely flavored jelly beans you accidentally inhaled, but we’re not April fooling you.

While the Christians are away, the Jews will play.

Apparently, a couple of ZBT bros almost Tor–ah Apes kid apart—or so they thought. At Banana Leaf last Thursday, ZBT was getting blackout for their big–little reveals, while some Apes guys and their ladies were pregaming a date night. Things were getting a little heated, however, as some wasted ZBT brothers kept challenging one Apes sopho-

Judgmental girl in Huntsman: That is such a you story.

Guy: Why? Girl: Because you fuck up.

Tip #5: Make everyone around you think you’re having the greatest fucking afternoon of your life. Oh, is that your ex about to walk past you and your crew? Laugh like you’ve never laughed before. Or start to engage your audience with a not–so–regaling tale from last weekend’s outings. It doesn’t matter because your old flame won’t know the difference. He or she only knows that you’re onto bigger and better things, like having a fake picnic on a college green.

Guy in VP: I'm trying to buy a GSR for Theos.

Lost girl on 17th and Walnut Streets: We're almost at the Empire State Building.

Best Boss Ever: I don't care if my employees come to work high.

Tip #6: If you’ve been wanting to up your SABS game, try sunbathing. However, do so at your own risk. Side effects may include sunburn and people thinking you’re a really big douchebag.

Overzealous Polisci Major: The only thing I want to do in this life is not be a communist.

Tip #7: Need a new spot to try? We suggest any bench on Locust. Intimidate the masses even more by opting for a locale that breaks the SABS wall and places you right where the action is. Snag a table and an outlet where you can enjoy your overpriced latté.

Girl Setting Back Feminism Several Hundred Years: I need a boyfriend so he can do my taxes.

more to a fight outside the restaurant. The showdown almost took place later that night, when ZBT resumed harassing the sophomore and other off– campus brothers, this time with a fair amount of pushing and shoving involved. This definitely not being the first time Banana Leaf has had to put down a riot, the situation was mediated by a manager who forced the rowdy boys out. Thank God things didn’t go any more downHill(el).

The trend of frat guys becoming overly hype over nothing continued. After a UPennAlert announced police activity at Huntsman Hall last Tuesday night, students scrambled to uncover the incident behind the warning. Highbrow hears that one imaginative Quaker started a rumor that the police were responding to a Theos kid doing cocaine somewhere in the building. This rumor has since been disproven, but it reportedly stirred up a frenzy in The Underground. When the rumor got back to the brothers, scores of Theos boys started

calling each other frantically to find out who the culprit was. Frankly, we can’t deny the complete plausibility of this coke hoax, but we appreciate the fake blow–by–blow.

Huntsman wasn’t the only place that was on high alert this past week. Three bathroom bandits were spotted going inside various multi–stall bathrooms in the Quad to unscrew toilet seats. A tipster tells us that one of the bandits would guard the bathrooms and advise potential restroom users to go somewhere else, explaining that a friend inside wasn’t feeling well. Meanwhile, the “sick” accomplice was busy doing the dirty deed. So far, the potty pirates have racked up eight toilets seats and it certainly doesn’t seem like they’re stalling. While the bandits continue to plot, residents better learn how to squat.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

IF YOU'RE READING THIS (IN PRINT), IT'S TOO LATE

E

very Penn student remembers the moment he or she got in. I was on an annual spring break biking trip with my school in Nantucket, in the top floor of a bed and breakfast that was way too fancy for the Queens hooligans it was housing for a week (like the cast of Entourage without the whole “fame and success” thing). I locked myself in my room for some peace and quiet, and as the results came in, I would relay them to my chorus of friends outside the door, who would return to me an emphatic “1, 2, 3…FUCK HARVARD!” Rinse and repeat for Yale, Dartmouth and Princeton.

When the Penn page loaded, complete with the music, I was excited for all of five seconds. Then it hit me that I was really, actually leaving the only place I’d ever known. I went to a small, K–12 school for eleven years and graduated with a class of 26. To put that in perspective, the intro biology class that I took during the required two–week “I’m pre–med!” stage of my freshman fall was three times the size of my entire high school. I never had to worry about making first impressions, because I made all of them as a talkative six–year–old Yu–Gi–Oh! master with Harry Potter glasses and a CD player filled with my dad’s old Clash and Ramones records.

Once the first–semester luster of free alcohol and forgettable DFMOs—for both parties—wore off and the second–semester

Illustration by Nadia Kim 4

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You already know what I do.

MARK PARASKEVAS

confusion of shallow rush conversations and somewhat forced Greek friendships came and went, I realized I had no idea who Mark the Penn student was. I had stopped rocking heat from my beloved sneaker collection and bought a pair of boat shoes. I wanted "to go into consulting” even though I still couldn’t tell you to this day what the hell a consultant is. I stopped skateboarding, which was one of my favorite things to do back home, because I thought carrying a board with me would make me look like a kid. I got an ear piercing (okay, that was kinda cool). I was smack in the middle of my quarter­–life crisis.

During the fall of my sophomore year, I started seeing a therapist at CAPS. While talking things out helped a little, my real therapy came when I got forwarded an email from the circulation manager asking for someone to fill in for a day handing out the DP on the Compass. Making $15 sounded like a pretty nice way to spend the awkward hour and a half between my 9 a.m. psych lecture and my next class, so I went for it. I was surprised by how fun it was, so I took the time slot weekly for the rest of the semester and ended up taking on even more hours in the spring.

Now, Monday through Thursday from 9:30 to 11 a.m. is my Zen time. Penn as a whole takes itself way too seriously, and I let it rub off on me. The platform allows me to be the goofy, fun–loving Mark I was back in high

school. I get the chance to blast the music I want (for the most part) and see my friends every morning, along with some minor acquaintances and former hook–ups who probably get tired of saying hi to me every single time (the feeling’s mutual but hey, I’m getting paid). I interact with a ridiculous cast of characters on a daily basis, from flyering vegans to gregarious homeless people to helicopter parents asking me for directions to a specific computer science professor’s office to introduce him to their nine–year–old son. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Being the guy on the Compass every morning has become a large part of my Penn identity. Pretty much every new person I meet says I “look familiar” because I’ve harassed them with a paper in their face the past. Girls match with me on Tinder and call me the “DP guy” (Ed. note: let’s get a new nickname).

That confidence boost gets swept away the second a cute girl asks me why “the taller one” (Max, the circulation manager/heartthrob) isn’t working that day, but I digress. I find joy in entertaining the zombies who walk down Locust every morning. With all the discussion we’ve had around mental health on campus in my time here, I think we all owe it to the Penn community to try to make it a better place.

Even if you don’t take the paper from me, if I made you laugh or smile, I did my job.

“You’re the only person who makes this job look fun,” one friend laughingly said to me the other day. I think that’s the best compliment anyone’s given me at Penn. No matter how disconnected I feel sometimes at this school, every day I’m being myself in the middle of campus. And that’s the message I hope my story conveys to you—not everything you do at Penn has to look nice on a resume. I might not ever be a professional paper–hander–outer (I’ll keep checking PennLink) but I’ve learned more about myself handing out the paper than I ever have in another position on campus.

Whether you’re an incoming freshman excited about the future or a disillusioned sophomore or junior questioning what they’re doing here—find something you actually love doing, for your own sake and not for anyone else’s.

And take the DP every morning.

EGO

THE DEFINTIVE MATRIX OF LIVING IN A SORORITY OR FRATERNITY HOUSE ​Members of different on and off campus fraternities and sororities gave details on what actually goes on behind the chapter house walls. Overarching theme? Penn has a mouse problem.

GOOD

“Always someone who's going out but also always someone who's staying in” “Sunday's we watch multiple movies back to back” “I spend more time in my Oax onesie than I do out of it” “We hang on our roof as soon as it gets warm out and same with the back yard” “When I drunk cry I can post in the GroupMe for someone to come comfort me” “I literally wake up at 1:56 p.m. for my 2:00 p.m. Steiny D class.”

CLEAN

THE STREET OFFICE IS A LOT LIKE A FRAT HOUSE, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF SMELLING LIKE BEER AND VOMIT IT SMELLS LIKE SWEETGREEN AND THE TEARS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN IN THE ROUNDUP TOO MANY TIMES. SOUND LIKE YOUR STYLE? COME TO OUR WRITER'S MEETING TONIGHT AT 6:30 PM. 4015 'NUT.

DIRTY

BAD

“Well I had four mugs at the beginning of semester I now have negative mugs.”

“The guy I hook up with’s bathroom is cleaner than mine and he shares it with ten other guys.”

“I can't have sex in my bed because it's too squeaky.”

“The girl above me likes to do jumping jacks at 4 am.”

“The alarm goes off every time you leave the house” “The fire alarm has gone off three times in the past week.”

“There was a lit piece of toast on fire and fire alarm went off.”

“It’s pretty shitty when your roof caves in.”

“I never having to buy bodywash or toothpaste.”

“Only having to shower twice a month is a perk.”

“Ending pledging is like taking a shit you've been holding in for a long time.”

“Someone who shall not be named had sex in the shower next to me. I wasn't keen.”

"I frequently wake up to the sound of water trickling as roommates drunkenly use the stairwell as a bathroom."

"I frequently wake up to the sound of water trickling as roommates drunkenly use the stairwell as a bathroom."

"The dead cockroach in the kitchen nobody has noticed for two days is a serious problem."

“There was a mouse in my bed when I came home from winter break.”

"I can't sleep at night because all I can hear is mice scurrying on the floor and in the walls and I imagine all the family dynamics and the shelter."

“I frequently use the toilet paper roll as toilet paper.”

“A frat boy once entered our house and peed on the floor of my room thinking it was the bathroom.”

“A frat boy peed and threw up in my room.”

ELENA MODESTI

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5

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: JANE MEYER

According to the president of the Undergraduate Assembly there are two types of people at Penn: "Those who read my emails and those who don’t."

Street: What led you to get involved in the UA? Jane Meyer: My freshman fall I ran for Class Board. I ran for VP Internal and I lost that election. So I got really involved in Penn Dems and the election and a little bit of Jewish life, but by the end of the year I realized I still had an interest in being in student government. And by that time I had a better understanding of what all six branches did, and I realized that my interests and my talents and my passions allied so much better with the UA. Street: What is the difference

between the UA and Class Board?

JM: The UA is in charge of funding, services and advocacy on behalf of the student body.

Whereas Class Board is in charge of events and traditions and class bonding. The UA is 'not in the events business' they say a lot.

Street: What has been your biggest success during your time as President?

JM: This was something that actually started a little bit before I was elected, but it’s what I’m most proud of during my time on the UA. The PAVE program, Penn Anti–Violence Educators,

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I came up with that acronym, and so that was something that came out of collaboration between the UA, ASAP and MARS and Jess Mertz who is the Director of Sexual Assault Prevention Education. It’s something I’m so proud to have been a part of and I think it’s going to make a very positive impact going forward.

Street: Tell me about your involvement with the other groups.

JM: I would say the one issue or broad topic that I’m most passionate about is encouraging women to pursue leadership and to be more involved in the political realm. That’s why I got involved in the Women’s Political League.

Even in Penn Dems, that’s something that I was really passionate about, getting involved and helping create the Femme Dems branch of Penn Dems. I think a lot of the time at Penn, and I’ve experienced this, politics can feel like a bit of an old boys club. I thought that was kind of a myth until I got here and was shut out of certain conversations and was underestimated because I was a woman. So when I was able to assume leadership roles in my different organizations I have tried my best to go above and beyond to make sure there are welcoming spaces for everyone.

Street: If you were going to be famous for something what would it be for?

JM: My kettle corn. I love making kettle corn on the stove. A lot of people don’t realize

that kettle corn is not necessarily supposed to be made in the microwave.

Street: There are two types of people at Penn…

JM: Those who read my emails and those who don’t.

Street: What’s your spirit animal?

JM: A lioness. I’m very protective of my organizations or people I’m close to. Fierce when I need to be. Also Hillary Clinton. I’m obsessed with her.

Street: Who was your first celebrity crush?

JM: Nick Jonas. Because I have Type 1 diabetes and that’s how I got involved with politics to begin with. He has diabetes too, so if nothing else, even if his music wasn’t good, even if people thought he wasn’t cool enough for them, Nick Jonas had Type 1 Diabetes and was an advocate for it and so I always used that to defend him. ‘He has diabetes!’ like it’s a redeeming quality or something.

Street: How did having Type 1 diabetes influence your desire to go into politics?

JM: I was diagnosed when I was five.

One way they could potentially find a cure for it is stem cell research.

That’s a po-

Name: Jane Meyer Hometown: Cold Spring Harbor, NY Major: Political Science Activities: Undergraduate Assembly, Penn Democrats, Sphinx, Jewish Renaissance Project, Women’s Political League, Penn in Washington, Sigma Kappa, Pennacle INTERVIEW CONDUCTED

BY GENEVIEVE GLATSKY liticized issue because of embryonic stem cells. I knew that come fourth grade all I understood truly was that Democrats supported stem cell research and expanding funding for it, Republicans wanted to place restrictions on it. In my mind President Bush didn’t want to cure my disease, and Senator Kerry did. I was fired up. Since then I’ve continued to have an interest in politics and government.

Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history who would it be?

JM: Gloria Steinem is a kick– ass woman.

Street: What’s one question we forgot to ask you?

JM: What group did I wish I was a part of. And I would say two of my roommates right now, Reilly and Emma are on exec of Bloomers, the all–female comedy group. And Reilly’s the head writer. I’m always convinced I come up with the newest, funniest sketch idea and I always remind her and she always shoots me down. It hurts a little inside.

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TECH

WEISS LABS INCUBATOR TAKES OFF

Guthrie Gintzler discusses Weiss Labs Incubator and its role in the Penn and business community.

On the second floor of Levine Hall, an engineering building on 33rd and Walnut, there is an incubator.

“So we’re not talking about an incubator for chickens,” laughed Weiss Labs Incubator co–founder, senior Guthrie Gintzler (M&T ’16), “An incubator is a place where a bunch of start–ups can come together and grow their ideas.”

The vibe was casual on Thursday afternoon as representatives from seven student– run teams rolled around on colored chairs, intermingled with other tables and waited for the presentation to begin.

The afternoon’s speakers were from Robin Hood Ventures, a venture capital firm with a focus on Philadelphia start– ups. The topic was presenting

a killer pitch. All groups got an opportunity to pitch after the talk. The youngest team boasted three Wharton freshman, while other teams were pursuing their MBAs. Gintzler, who spends 10–30 hours at Weiss Labs a week, said, “There was no Weiss Labs six months ago.”

While the senior pursuing a dual Wharton Engineering degree had enough to fill his senior spring, he noticed that there was a major need for start–up support at Penn, particularly within Weiss Tech House, which was launched in 2003.

“It’s a way to get these companies together, get them to understand where they are in their business, in the perspective of something outside their

app, outside of their computer, outside of everything they’ve been focusing on,” he explained. Direct financial support is not an element of the incubator.

“Kind of the biggest problem at Penn is that we give our students money and they never learn what are the most important skills, which is selling your business. You have to learn how to sell your business to people beyond Penn,” he said.

That being said, Gintzler pointed out that teams get, “feedback from other people on other teams, mentorship resources, space, coffee, everything that [they] need to make [their] venture succeed.”

For the seven start–ups in the spring class of Weiss Labs Incubator, boasting “a lower

acceptance rate than Harvard,” Gintzler explained, “we don’t need to provide our companies money because we provide them with all the resources they need to go out and raise it for themselves.”

One of the start–ups, Slice Capital, has been nominated for an award in Inc. Magazine, while Patos Shoes has grown so quickly, founder Fernando Rojo (W '18) plans to take next semester off to focus on the brand.

While the acceptance rate and spring class may seem intimidating, Gintzler promised that, “the online application is really simple,” and encouraged new start–ups to apply for the summer and fall classes.

As for Pittsburgh–native Gintzler, he won’t be leaving

Philadelphia for long. Beginning his graduate studies at Penn in the fall where he'll obtain a masters in robotics, he was happy to announce, “I’m definitely not done [though].

You can’t just have a baby and expect the baby to swim the next day,” he laughed, “It’s going to be really good that I’ll be here next year so I can act as a booie.”

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WETRAIN: THE UBER OF PERSONAL TRAINING TECH

This app brings a personal trainer to you with the click of a button.

I used to be 200 pounds, but much heavier than I am today.

I was just shocked, living in New York all of the fitness options are extremely expensive, in particular personal training.

It adds up really quickly. And then I met my cofounder, Zach. He was coming from the personal trainer side, and I didn’t realize, the trainers actually get very little of it [the money spent on personal training]. Everyone can afford our sessions at under 30 bucks, and hopefully we can bring a service that was previously Street: Can you explain the conception behind your app? reserved for just the affluent.

What do Penn Students, a former professional soccer player and your 86–year old grandpa have in common?

They all use WeTrain.

Jonathan Sockol, an ’09 grad and a second year MBA student at Penn, created WeTrain last fall. WeTrain recently received a grant from Dorm Room Fund in mid– March, and also have partnered with Uber and Special Olympics. Street interviewed Jon to find out more about the app.

HANNAH NOYES

scheduled in request or on demand.

Street: On demand?

JS: Yeah! They can bring all the equipment that you’ll need for the workout, but at the bare minimum they’re able to put you through a workout that uses no weights. We tell people, if you can make a snow angel in your apartment, we can train you. 40% of our sessions are in people’s living rooms. Think like, an insanity style workout. If you have an apartment gym, we can use weights, but we’re always Street: So, can you kind of JS: The goal is to create the thinking of creative ways to walk us through the app?

Uber of personal training, work you out. and the coolest part is the the All of these trainers are sessions are all under 30 bucks. JS: Of course! You download nationally certified, top tier So it grew out of the idea of… the app in the iTunes store, and they earn 30% more than you’re greeted they would at the gym. I can with a couple guarantee that you’re going to of screens get the best, most motivated so we know trainer when they show up and what to do you’re going to get an incredwhen we train ible burn. you. Very basic details. Street: What’s your typical When you cliental? want to train, what you JS: It’s crazy, we have no want to focus typical user: it’s a full specon, how long trum. We’re not group fitness, you want but your own personal trainer, to train and and we’re under $30. We have where you people who are 86 and have are. And as dementia, who need to train at soon as you home because they can’t go to do that, you the gym. We have former pro enter in some soccer players from Europe. quick medical I’m a huge nerd and I’m the info that the first one to admit it, but the trainers need world of Warcraft type of in order to people, like me, who could best serve never really go into the gym you. You just and this is their first fitness/ hit request, training experience. You get to and we do do what is tough on your own, sessions doing it safely and getting the

results that you want to achieve Equity Program where trainers can be partners and participate Street: How do you recruit in the upside of the company, trainers? we now have people coming to us.

JS: We go through a lot of the national certification programs, to see people who have recently Don’t believe us? Tech tried or are about to graduate. We out the workouts for ourselves have trainers who are students, and had a personal trainer trainers who are veterans [from come to us. Or you can see his partner’s army/navy confor yourself— TRY A FREE nections]. It was really tough TRAINING SESH USING at first, but now that we have OUR CODE AND SUFFER established our brand name, AS MUCH AS WE DID: and announced our Sweat FREE34 M A R C H 31 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

9

TECH

DISPATCH: WE TRAIN

The first (and last) time I went to the gym was freshman year, when I was in love with a rower and he decided we were going to hit Fox Fitness center together. I went on the elliptical for about 20 (okay, 10) minutes while he did his thang on the ERG machine, and decided that was the end of my gym career, minus my Flywheel cult obsession. However, I was given the opportunity to try

WeTrain, the Uber of personal training as I had been told.

The 30–minute workout itself is targeted more towards calories burned with high interval training, as the 60– minute session apparently has more rest time built in as well as more coaching. The trainers themselves were very non–intimidating, and offered tips for getting the best workout as well as encouragement. I

decided to do this the Monday after Easter #blessup.

4:20 p.m.: I text my friend who has agreed to be a part of this experiment that I'm on my way. We’ve agreed to meet at the Street office because we can apparently do this workout in a tiny space—"the size of a snow angel"to be precise.

4:24 p.m.: I realize that I have screwed up before I have even started working out, and have given the trainers coming to meet us the wrong address.

I frantically text photographer, trainers and anyone who I think can solve this problem that Street is in fact, not located on 4051 Walnut.

We tried it, but you probably should, too.

4:31 p.m.: My friend remarks we are off to a great start, now that the trainers are late.

4:33 p.m.: See WeTrain walking towards us. Two extremely muscular guys in dweeby WeTrain shirts. Again, there are two of them. Was banking on it not being as hard with a one–on–two scenario.

4:35 p.m.: Pleasantries exchanged, and we decide to do this shiz on high rise field so more people can pay witness to our suffering and will provide better light for our pictures.

Plus, it’s nice outside.

4:37 p.m.: Trainers question us on our fitness goals, history, how old we are, etc. I am a gym novice, and tell them so.

4:40 p.m.: With little notice, we are doing some sort of toe touch thing to the bench, and alternating with a tricep dip. I may have made the name of that up. I have never been more ashamed of my weak arms while I see various athletes walking by and get eyeballed by a group of West Philly natives.

4:43 p.m.: Wow these guys are super encouraging.

4:45 p.m.: Short break, and the two WeTrainers check our heartbeats/pulse/whatever. I am apparently 60% something.

My friend is 70% something.

Is this good or bad? I shall

never know.

4:46 p.m.: We have moved onto the grass to do some planks/toe touches. I still hate my life. Sucking in because I have seen someone I know and the photographer is snapping away. Hope my butt looks good in these lulus…

4:46 p.m.: There is an intense wind blowing while we are planking, and I remark how it is adding some extra calorie burn. The trainers don't laugh.

4:50 p.m.: We have moved onto wall climbers on a park bench. I ask what will happen if I fall on my face. Trainer says that is impossible. My sprained ankle and broken rib beg to differ.

4:53 p.m.: After mountain climbers, we are doing squats.

I am taught that I have, in fact, been doing squats wrong my entire life. Shit.

4:54 p.m.: Learning how to do a squat. Thinking about bend and snap. This is impossible.

5:05 p.m.: OMG IT'S OVER. Final Thoughts: I prefer the club music and anonymity of my Flywheel class, but I’m a try–anything– once kinda gal. Immediately after we were finished, I found myself craving more planks and mountain climbers (is it working out if you’re not super sweaty?). For $17 for a half an hour, and $25 for a full hour (which you can split with a friend!!) I could definitely see myself adding this maybe once a week. While I will probably go back to Flywheel tomorrow morning, I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a relatively inexpensive personal training session, which you can then apply on your own at Pottruck after a few sessions.

HANNAH NOYES 1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E M A R C H 31 , 2 016

M A R C H 31 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

F E AT U R E

LONE SOLDIER THE DISCONNECT BETWEEN PENN AND STUDENT VETERANS Erik Morinaga (C’16) stands out in the Penn Bookstore Starbucks. A sticker with the Marines motto—Semper Fi , Latin for “always faithful”—envelops the back of his laptop. The back of his shirt lists names of fallen Marines. He sits ramrod–straight in a wooden chair that seems a little too small for him—another leftover habit from the Marines, he says, like the compulsive need to exercise or his meticulous study schedule. His voice stays quiet throughout our conversation, while he discusses beheadings and weapons swaddled in burqas, the right way to oil an AK–47, the man his team killed who died with a light smile frozen on his face.

“I kind of believe that when you die, you have a moment,” Erik says. “You leave your last thoughts on your face. With this guy...he believed in what he was fighting for, and he had the balls to go fight for

Erik Morinaga (C’16)

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it. So I respect him.”

He pauses.

For Erik and other veterans on campus, higher education is more than a launchpad for future success or a LinkedIn tagline: it’s a step in adapting from soldier to civilian. At Penn, the transition isn’t seamless. The story of veterans at Penn is one of awkward questions, rushed interactions, the sense that you don’t belong and the incredible fact that the bombs and bunkers and bullets are all behind you. Penn doesn’t know how to handle the military, because unless you were there—unless you sacrificed and served—you just can’t understand.

He sighs, “In the army, we used to say, America isn’t at war.

America’s at the mall.”

Evan Saltzman (C’16), who served in the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) from 2011 to 2013, knew he wanted to join the military in high school. The process for an American to apply to the IDF features different steps than the process for Israeli natives; Evan spent a month meeting with government agencies, proving that he was Jewish and that he was fit to serve. But throughout the process—and his service as a paratrooper—he remained confident in his decision to volunteer for the military. Both his grandparents were

by DANI BLUM

Evan Saltzman (C’16) World War II veterans, Zionism is important to him, and, he says, “I figured I just needed to go and do it.”

“If I started my life, I would find reasons why I shouldn’t [join the IDF]. And there’s no better time than the present.”

Evan is open about his service.

He speaks for groups like Friends of the Israel Defense Forces and Hillel’s Penn Israel Public Affairs Committee; he talks about his experiences in synagogues. When he talks about his time in the IDF with Penn students, they’re “pretty respectful,” he says.

“But I’ve gotten my fair share of—I wouldn’t say stupid questions, but you get disrespectful questions.”

Students ask how many people he’s killed. How much blood he’s seen.

He shakes his head. “It’s just like, that’s none of your business.”

There is no proper template for these interactions. Students, not through any fault of their own, sim-

ply don’t know what Evan can and cannot discuss.

What he will talk about are the hundred–mile marches with fifty pounds thrust on his back. The closet–sized underground barracks, the smell of 130 degree Israeli summers. He talks about the friends from the military he messages every week, if not every day.

He talks about how he misses it.

“It was great, going from what I did to freedom. Just getting your life back...But as more time passes, you start to miss the army, because you start to forget the things you hated so much, you, like, remember everything that was good about it.”

He smiles. “We loved what we were doing, I loved what we were doing. We’re the IDF, we’re protecting the Jewish people, we’re protecting Israel...We were suffering a lot—I mean, really, a lot—but we were happy doing it.”

F E AT U R E

Wake up at 5:00 a.m. The snooze button is not an option.

Start morning exercises by 5:30 a.m.—launch into your run, workouts.

Breakfast at 7:00 a.m. Always.

Classes or training start by 9:00 a.m. and continue until a brief lunch.

Then more classes, technical training with weapons or physical training, thrusting your body past what you thought were limits.

Brandon Chong (C, W ‘16) still knows the schedule for teenagers in the Singaporean army. Every able– bodied man in Singapore must serve in the army for two years after high school; since Singapore is currently at peace, that service typically takes the form of meticulously–scheduled, monotonous training.

Brandon’s schedule was more flexible than the average Singaporean soldier’s. He played water polo for the Singapore national team and could duck out for evening practices.

Even so, after two years in the army, Brandon wasn’t sure he could adjust to college life.

“It took me a while to get used to,” he says. “Not only because I was older, but because I hadn’t been in a proper classroom in years...My brain

was in a completely different zone.”

There was also the obstacle of telling people about his service, which usually came up in conversations about why he was slightly older than his peers. Penn students didn’t understand how to talk about the military—and when service itself is so tough to talk about for veterans, the divide between the two widens.

“I get questions like, have you killed anyone? How was the shooting?...In Singapore, it’s peaceful, we are not in an active war. I haven’t had to go to actual combat because of that,” He smiles. “I would say there aren’t that many interesting stories for me to tell that people are looking for.”

“I always dreamed of being in college in the US.” Yigal Meitar, a twenty–four–year–old sophomore says. Originally born in New York, Yigal grew up in Israel and knew that he would have to serve in the IDF after high school. He wanted his next step to be an American school.

“You hear about fraternities, the drinking games—in Israel, college is not fun.” So Yigal opted for a school with a work–hard, play– hard reputation. But when he came to Penn and started to enter the social scene he’d always pictured, friends introduced him to new people as “the guy who served in the IDF.” Some people commented “wow” and moved on. A few asked if he’d killed anyone with his bare hands. Many students wanted to know about combat and life on the battlefront. For Yigal, who worked in the IDF’s intelligence base (“The most protected place in Israel,” he says), the questions betrayed a shared misconception about life in the military.

“They’re sure that everyone [from the military] is a killing machine,” he says. “People assume that a) you’re in the Yigal Meitar (C'18)

military, so you hate the other side, and b) that you’ve killed people, and that’s not the case at all. They just attribute these things to you.”

“We’re just normal college–aged teenagers trying to make sense of life, too,” he says. “It’s literally an eighteen–year–old given a gun, told to protect his country.”

Erik makes his bed everyday. He folds the corners carefully, blue sheets smoothed beneath a coal– black blanket in his Sansom West apartment. Erik won’t leave his room unless his bed has zero wrinkles. Otherwise he feels “like a lazy piece of shit.” He pictures his commanders from the Marines narrowing their eyes, tucking down their chins.

“Just that look,” he says.

“They give you that look, and you know.”

Erik, a senior in the Liberal and Professional Studies program, joined the Marine Corps in 2005, six months after he graduated high school. He signed up to be part of the infantry division; within a year, he was in Haditha, Iraq, patrolling the city streets for twelve hours at a time. He was caught in a firefight in his first two weeks in Iraq. Five years later, a bullet pierced his jaw during combat. But he knew what he was signing up for.

“I’ve wanted to be a soldier since seventh, eighth grade,” Erik says.

“At some point in my life, I had to think about what I wanted to do, and I thought, okay, who are the best people in history? And I thought, you’ve got the Gandhis and the Jesuses, who do good and expect nothing back and are selfless, but I know I can’t do that, I’m not that nice and compassionate. But I do want to be good. And I thought, who’s number two? Warriors.”

To Erik, Penn is a pipeline back to service. He wanted the prestige of

Brandon Chong (C, W ‘16) a top school to bolster his application to another military position.

A Political Science major with a concentration in International Relations, he’s taken courses on military strategy and foreign policy, alongside students who know nothing about his background. When his service comes up in conversation—often to answer why, at twenty–nine, he’s a decade older than the students crammed next to him in Stiteler— Penn students “don’t tend to ask much questions.” Some thank him for his service. Most just ignore the topic, move on. “People here don’t know how to handle it,” he says.

“I realized I have more in common with the guys I’m fighting against than the people in America,” he says.

Dani Blum is a sophomore in the College studying English and Political Science. She a features editor for Street,

M A R C H 31 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

SEX GETS A LITTLE MORE SATISFYING VICE & VIRTUE

Admit it, you've always wanted to eat ice cream in bed.

Do you ever argue with your friends about which is better, food or sex? Do you ever wake up for a little morning nookie—but find yourself torn between sex and breakfast? And, honestly, do you ever just wish you could make sweet, sweet love to your favorite culinary delight? Well, Street's all about making dreams come true. So, in honor of our Spring Dining Guide, we asked several couples to take gastronomy to the bedroom.

COCONUT OIL The Plan: "No plan really.

My room was freezing so we decided to get the oil hot, which, in retrospect, was a very bad idea because it burned him when I first poured some on him." Sometimes lukewarm can be a good thing.

Feelings Before: "The warm oil smelled like a tropical paradise and made us both a little hungry, not gonna lie."

Feelings During: "The coconut oil can be used for lots of things and was smoother and less thick than traditional lube.

Things started smelling like mounds candy bars so we both got a little excited and decided to incorporate some chocolate

sauce in there."

Feelings After: "We were both very, very, very pleasantly surprised.

There were a couple of mishaps, though–I can't stress the 'very slippery' factor enough 'cause a little friction is required to keep things in place." (Ed. Note: She's an engineer.)

Did it enhance your experience? "Not not doing this again."

Final Verdict: "Best moisturizer ever. I am so soft now." His

SUSHI DINNER

words: "This is better than lube, and lube is definitely not just for sex."

Insider Tips: "Definitely put a towel or big blanket on your bed, since things get messy.

Also, this oil is very hard to get off, so make sure your shower is big and you're not going to be squished and hitting each other trying to scrub it off."

The Food: Spicy tuna roll, shrimp tempura roll, shrimp shumai, edamame, miso soup.

The Plan: "We wanted to work with different dishes to get some different shapes and textures involved."

Feelings Before: "Felt a little anxious, a lot excited."

Feelings During: "Miso soup is a bit messy but too delicious not to exploit. Dumplings and rolls were fun and easy, but beware of spicy mayo. Who knew edamame beans could

serve as a unit of measurement?" (Ed. Note: We won't ask.)

Feelings After: "Holy shit.

Also I need a shower."

Did it enhance your experience? "Fuck yes, what's next?"

Final Verdict: "Dope but not for people who don't know each other very well." We suppose that could turn out a bit fishy.

Insider Tips: Get the sushi rolls "inside out" because the rice "gets stuck."

ICE CREAM SUNDAE Celebrate your

GRADUATION WITH US! Brunch 11am-5pm Dinner 5pm-10pm

Call 215.222.1657 to make a reservation Specials from our Chef

Private Dining Options

Margaritas & Sangria

A Toast to your Graduate

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3945 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, PA 19104 (215) 222-1657 • philadelphia.distritorestaurant.com DistritoPHL

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The Food: Talenti gelato (Ed. Note: You're going to want the good stuff if it's going on your naked body), whipped cream, chocolate sauce The Plan: "To conduct this experience in the bathroom to avoid a huge mess."

Feelings Before: "A little scared but also excited about the idea of combining dessert with sex, two of my favorite activities."

Sounds like a sweet combination Feelings During: "My dick is completely covered in syrup and is cold. It looks like a painting canvas."

Feelings After: "For the chocolate lovers out there, great way to incentivize your girl to give you a BJ." Did it enhance your experience? "We were both very into it and would love to do it again."

Final Verdict: "It can't get much better than this. Only if you can jump in the shower right after, though."

Insider Tips: "Don't use all of the items at once. Use the chocolate syrup and whipped cream after the ice cream, since they're messier."

VICE & VIRTUE

AN OPEN LETTER TO PEOPLE WHO STILL USE TOO MUCH TONGUE Something to chew on...

TO THE EDWARD SCISSOR–TONGUES OF OUR GENERATION, Ah, you say. Another bitchy rant. Yes, it gives me great pleasure that I have been given an outlet to express my opinions.

Have you ever heard of washing machine syndrome? I hadn't neither. Until last weekend, when I heard, “It was like making out with a washing machine.” That is a direct quote from a friend, recounting a late–night rendez–vous with a gal. Take a second to think about the concept. Like, really consider what that term would entail.

Soak? Rinse? Spin? Um...EW. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

We've all had those nights....

we’ve all been victims to the crime. The perpetrator decides your mouth and face needs cleaning. You're mouth feels just a little more chapped than it usually does in the morning. I guess it’s just preference...but me? I HATE TONGUE. Seriously, I cannot express how much I despise saliva. So sa–leave–a me alone, tongue master flash.

Now, let me give you an adequate description of the situation I am speaking of.

Whilst engaging in sexual contact with another being, your counterpart proceeds to use his or her tongue and the rest of his or mouth to *quite impressively* cover your entire face with, well, spit.

I would have said “kissing juice” but that honestly got super weird really fast and I

need to check myself.

Okay.

You think you know what you're doing but no, you know nothing Jon Snog.

What is a kiss? French kiss, first—or second—base, snogging, hook up…. All dirty dirty things you do with your mouth. The washing machine kiss, however, leaves me sticky gross and the wrong type of wet. I don’t care what your friends said in middle school.

There will be no alphabet spelling in my mouth. Or rather, on my face. Nope, no, no. no.

Best of luck with the rinse cycle my friends, Chapstick McQueen

IMPORTANT: WHY DOES TONGUE HAVE SO MANY EXTRANEOUS LETTERS IN IT? LIKE, WHY IS IT NOT SPELLED TUNG? M A R C H 31 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

VICE & VIRTUE

PRESS ON: ONE DAY ON A JUICE CLEANSE

CHLOE SHAKIN

From the girl who has an emotional attachment to cheese.

Juice cleanse: two words I never imagined would be in my personal vocabulary. I always thought juice cleanses were unhealthy (and expensive) shortcuts to temporary weight loss. So you can imagine my dismay when I found myself staring at the assortment of overpriced, jelly bean–colored cold–pressed juices at Sip–n–Glo Juicery in Rittenhouse. I really like food; I get anxiety if it's been too long since my last meal. I literally pack a lunchbox for my Tuesday evening seminar every week. But after eating my body weight in quesadillas over spring break and taking too much medication for an ulcer and Strep throat, my body needed some real TLC, something that went beyond just another hot yoga class. So I reluctantly coughed up $50 for the six juices included in a one–day cleanse. Here's how my day went: 12:00 a.m.: Reluctantly stop rapidly consuming everything in my kitchen. My reasoning is: eat everything in sight because I'll be only drinking liquids tomorrow.

Pretty rational, if you ask me.

7:00 a.m.–8:30 a.m.: Repeatedly hit snooze and already violate Sip–n–Glo's suggestion to "awaken my digestive system" with a cup of hot lemon water.

8:37 a.m.: Remember that I signed up for a barre class (light exercise is condoned on the cleanse, as long as the juices are re–ordered). Make a to–go–cup of hot green tea and hop in a cab downtown.

10:47 a.m.: En route back to my house with my first juice of the day: a replacement for the vanilla chia pump–up that came in the package (I realized it had almond milk, which I'm allergic to, so the nice dude at Sip–n–Glo replicated the

drink (almond milk, vanilla protein, cinnamon, chia seeds) but substituted coconut water for almond milk. It's delicious, refreshing and–I cannot believe I'm saying this–honestly filling.

I need to savor this one.

11:40 a.m.: I leave for my four classes armed with a giant bag filled with bottles of water, a lunchbox full of juice and healthy snacks (cashews: s/o for being the only nut I'm not allergic to) in case I throw in the towel.

12:15 p.m.: I make it to my mind–numbingly boring Geology lecture. Stomach starting to rumble.

12:23 p.m: The pamphlet orders one glass of water to be consumed per juice. Really really really need to pee.

12:30 p.m.: Time for my second juice of day, the Green Beast: cucumber, apple, spin-

there’s like a 50% chance you’ll blackout

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1 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E M A R C H 31 , 2 016

ach, kale, celery, lemon and ginger. It tastes nice.

1:32 p.m.: Still working on the Green Beast. Feeling a little nauseous, especially after running to get to class on time.

2:36 p.m.: Next up is a bright orange juice called the Radiant Glo: carrot, orange, peach hibiscus tea, pineapple, turmeric and lemon. I want to mix this with tequila and lay on a beach.

2:38 p.m.: This juice has a slight carrot aftertaste. Kind of okay with it, maybe will substitute Malibu for the aforementioned tequila to mask it. V serious about beach plan.

4:01 p.m.: Talking about animal slaughterhouses and looking at graphic images of animal carcasses in class briefly quiets my growling stomach.

4:33 p.m.: I made it through four–and–a–half hours of class without coffee! I’m kind of hungry but don’t feel too weak. My mental clarity isn’t too bad, either.

Feeling on top of the world.

4:35 p.m.: Three juices down, three to go. I crack open número cuatro, the One Love: cucumber, apple, pineapple, spinach and ginger. Good, but by the end of it I kind of had enough of the ginger flavor (strongest ginger yet).

8:43 p.m.: Juice number five was the scariest–looking of the bunch: Pineapple–Goji Lemon– Aid (pineapple, lemon, Goji, water and charcoal. Yes. Actually charcoal. The drink was blacker than night). It tasted like tart lemonade with a hint of Manischewitz. The charcoal made my mouth and nose black and no one told me, which was unfortunate but also typical.

9:00 p.m.: Clean Green is the last (wo) man standing: cucumber, kale, dandelion greens, swiss chard, parsley and chlorophyll.

9:01 p.m.: Very glad they decided to list this shit last or else I would have called it quits long ago. This tastes like the earth in the worst way possible.

9:37 p.m.: I'm hungry and a little tired. Satisfied, though, not starving. My stomach has ceased its cries. I feel good. I could easily eat now but I’m also okay.

To summarize: Despite some moments of hunger and resentment for the liquid form of matter, this juice cleanse definitely served its purpose.

My fatigue, prolonged stomachaches and sluggishness were pretty much gone the next day.

I did return to eating cheese almost immediately, though.

Everything in moderation!

If you're considering a juice cleanse: •

Do some research to avoid the whole running– downtown–to–exchange– juices–because–you–realize–you're–allergic–to–one

•

• •

•

scenario I got myself into.

Make sure you're well– rested: no coffee for 24 hours is debatably more difficult than the whole no solid foods thing EAT if you feel like you need something!

Know your body! Attempting a three–day cleanse is something I knew I was not down for.

Understand why you're doing this. Any resulting weight loss is likely water weight, which will come back on when you resume a normal diet. In my (unprofessional) opinion, a juice cleanse can be used more effectively to flush out toxins if you've been feeling kind of bleh for a while.

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M A R C H 31 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

ADVENTURES OF

FILM AND TV

something. I’m gonna follow through on that.” But what separates Kweder from other famous musicians of his generaRecapping the documentary about tion is his relationship with his Smokes' legendary rock star. fans. His own “st ar quality” was characterized as one that prioritizes a constant running To most Penn students, Kenn by the show’s start for the 3 Kweder is known as the familiar p.m. matinee, the 7 p.m. show dialogue with the crowd.

Kweder’s impact on Philaonly promising bigger crowds. guitar player who performs at delphia was not just apparent Minutes after the documentary Smokes’ every Tuesday night. in the size of the audience, Yet he is as much of a staple of began, the theater started to feel but evident in the story of the like a live Kweder show. Audithe Smokes’ experience as he documentary as well. Described has been of the Philadelphia ence members were laughing, in the film as the “quintescheering at their favorite songs, music scene at large over the sential Philadelphia musician,” applauding as each song came past three–plus decades. Kenn Kweder has been playing at Kweder’s legendary rock star life to an end and singing every bars throughout Philly for the was captured in Adventures of a word.

Throughout the duration of entirety of his career. Though Secret Kidd: The Mass HallucinaSmokes’ is the gig Penn stution of Kenn Kweder, a feature the two–hour film, Kweder’s persona was vividly portrayed. dents know best, Kweder can be length documentary about found playing his guitar at any All of the stereotypes and his life story and influence on of a number of bars four nights clichés that surround the rock Philadelphia music culture. out of each week. Kweder’s star personality are true for The film was presented last older fans view his shows as an Kweder—always drinking, Friday at the International escape from life, where they can always on drugs, always cursHouse on 37th and Chestnut go after work to enjoy a cold ing, always chasing a dream.

Streets, just blocks away from the heart of Penn’s campus. The When asked about his mother’s drink and good music. Interspersed between interviews were failure to break into the music audience alone was telling of business, Kweder replied, “She shots of all of Philadelphia’s Kweder’s relatively large fanneighborhoods set to Kweder sounds like she missed out on base—the theater was packed music.

KENNKWEDER

Even more heartwarming than stories of Kweder’s impact on Philadelphia were stories of his impact on Penn. Though subtle, the film highlighted one of the most interesting aspects of the dynamic between Kweder and Penn: While most Philadelphians view Kweder as a local celebrity just out of reach, Penn students view him as their weekly entertainment and friend, often sharing drinks with him and always standing within arm’s length at his shows.

The documentary included footage of Smokes’ Tuesday nights, with seniors standing close to one another and to Kweder, jumping around and singing with the same intention of letting go that his older fans carry.

Kweder joked in the film about how frequently he parties with Penn students. He mentioned how college kids like to chest bump and bemoaned the experience of doing so with student athletes at the bar. “When an athlete who is four decades younger than you jumps into your back, it hurts,” he laughed.

He even discussed speaking at Wharton and relaying the message that success comes in the form of happiness, not wealth.

Kweder’s reputation is complex—famous to some, friend to others, loved by all. Perhaps his legacy is best described by how he views himself: “I’m like the most unknown guy in the city, but everybody knows me.”

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Let's talk remakes and reboots: A type of endeavor once lauded as everyone's worst nightmare at the movies that has become not–so–terrible.

It turns out that if fan–girling screenwriters actually put their minds to it, remakes and reboots can turn out pretty great (that's you, 21 Jump Street, About Last Night, Evil Dead and Jurassic World).

But lately, Hollywood, facing what can only be described as complete and total shaming about their utter lack of female stories and story runners, thinks they've come up with a foolproof solution to this issue: Take great movies and shows, remake them, but this time, with ladies. Voilá, now old white male Hollywood execs are definitely producing female–centric stories, and their wives will stop criticizing them for making movies whose only female characters are "hot love interest," "female crossing guard" and the occasional "stern female boss."

Except they’re not. Taking stories like Ghostbusters and Ocean's Eleven (one whose female–centric trailer is out and the other whose lady–focused remake is in the works) and just shoving women into originally male roles is not the same as telling female stories.

A female story originates from the uniquely female perspective of a female protagonist that’s necessary to guide a plot to its end.

By comparison, feminist lit clases like "Women Storytellers: Telling it All" isn’t a bunch of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies–style reboots of male–centric books retold with women as the main characters. Literature about women

I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS, BUT I AM AFRAID OF WOMEN’S STORIES BEING IGNORED IN FILM.

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HONORING HERSTORY

ARTS

How The Colored Girls Museum is doing some of the most important, socially revolutionary artwork—one hairbrush and poster at a time.

that are meaningful to their life experiences. Vashti DuBois, a Philadelphia native, established the museum when she saw an urgent need to capture the history and the voices of women of color in the United States.

She decided to transform her home into a pop–up museum to fill the gap between the stories that were being told and Tucked away amongst rows photographs, clocks that work, those who should actually be of houses in a residential area clocks that don't and bed telling them. (She, surprisingly, of Germantown is The Colored sheets. You'll wonder: Have still lives in her house.)

Girls Museum. Walk through I ever been in a museum like DuBois initially collected the front door to find a living this? No, you haven't. items through communities room filled top to bottom with The museum blends art, she had interacted and worked things, things and more things: social commentary, history with. She then had local artoil paintings and posters, vases and revolution. The focus is ists curate different rooms to and wooden statues on tables exclusively on actively collect- transform them into carefully of all sizes, chairs of all colors, ing and preserving the artifacts thorough exhibitions; the launlace doilies on cupboards. The and items of black women; dry room, for example, was bedrooms are filled with old these women submit objects transformed into a shrine to the washerwoman—a deeply powerful and engaging concept for many black women, as many of the members of their family of older generations had

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partaken in this labor. Similarly, the tool shed was transformed to focus on black female factory workers through photography and other inventories. The overall exhibition house should be deemed an exhibition whose purpose is to explicate and illuminate on what it means to be a woman of color in the United States—through the perspective of women of color.

The museum is considered to be groundbreaking because it is one of the first to examine personal objects and artifacts as its sole source of historical, quantifiable evidence. More importantly, however, and in the words of Lisa, a woman who was at the museum when I visited, "The historic house was transformed into a museum to share the artifacts of herstory."

Herstory.

The great thing about The Colored Girls Museum is that it gives a voice to a population

historically oppressed, as the women who have contributed to this museum have actively been silenced for being women, for being black—and at many times, for both reasons.

The museum has collected objects from women across time to create a cohesive collection that provides for both an individual and a collective voice that refuses to be silenced. Its purpose is to create a sanctuary for black girls—a space where people can celebrate and honor the things they believe have shaped them. Just as well, however, it is a space so that people can honor and elevate them.

Black women have been an integral, key part of creating the American nation. An integral part in shaping the very city that we currently live in.

So SEPTA to 4613 Newhall Street, and go honor them too.

SYRA ORTIZ–BLANES

ARTS

TALES OF CONFLICT AND RESILIENCE:

A LUNCH WITH UZODINMA These are stories that should be read and shared. SYRA ORTIZ–BLANES

on the story of Agu, a young boy who is forced to enlist in a soldier troop in a West African country in the midst of civil war. The book is a graphic depiction of the lives of child soldiers and the collective trauma of war on a population. The book is in first person narrative, and the intimacy readers develops with the reader makes it a visceral read. The novel was conceived through Iweala's thesis at Harvard, and it has gone on to become both a bestseller

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Who wrote it? Sadie Jones What is it about?

The story of a British soldier and his wife during 1950s Cyprus during a period war time.

N G E ★B E S T F I R S T

SMALL WARS

TL OU

Who wrote it? Ru Freeman What is it about? The Herath family moves to Sal Mal Lane in 1979, and from their house on a quiet street they witness the times past, present and future ravaging effects of civil war.

Who wrote it? Karl Marlantes What is it about?

Marlantes, who commanded a Marine rifle platoon, draws upon his own experiences of war to craft a 600– page novel in the traditional of war epics.

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MATTERNHORN: A NOVEL OF THE VIETNAM WAR

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Who wrote it? Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie What is it about? The novel narrates the stories of five characters: two twin sisters, a professor, an English citizen and a houseboy before and during the bid for Biafran Independence from Nigeria.

Who wrote it? Slavenka Drakulić What is it about? The novels is set in 1992 during the climax of the Civil War; it is the experience of a woman and survivor of rape by occupying soldiers who gives birth to an unwanted child in in exile. Through flashbacks, S. bravely reveals the unspeakable horrors of war and its aftermath from abroad.

and a major motion film. More importantly, however, it has become a modern narrative of brutal civil wars, and the effects on conflict on people.

Iweala's appearance at the Kelly Writers House prompted Street to compile 20th and 21st centuries of narratives and novels of conflict and displacement, but most importantly, resilience. These are stories that should be read, and shared.

RT

HALF OF A YELLOW SUN

S. A NOVEL ABOUT THE BALKANS

CREPERIE HOURS

Last Thursday, Uzodinma Iweala, both a doctor and a writer, came to the Kelly Writers House to speak with Penn students interested in his work. The accomplished writer shared his experiences about writing his popular novels (Beast of No Nation, 2005 and Our Kind of People: Thoughts on HIV/AIDS in Nigeria, 2012) and his life experiences—as a doctor, as a human and as a Nigerian–American writer.

His first novel, Beast of No Nations, focuses

Photo by Rob Kopf

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9

LOWBROW

SIGNS YOU WERE RAISED BY DISNEY AND NOT PARENTS Singing is always the answer. Always.

1. You treat animals like therapists.

Whenever life gets you down, you turn to your dog, cat, miniature dragon, tiger or neighborhood squirrel to talk it out. Disney has taught you that animals understand your struggles and can help you make informed decisions about what your next moves should be.

2. Fruit stands manned by older women make you uneasy.

Ever since Snow White bit into that apple, stranger danger alert has been on high for elderly women with fruit. While of course true love’s first kiss will always get you out of a jam, you and your S.O. aren't sure if you're at that level yet and you don't want to take any chances. Trust no one.

3. The concept of kissing a frog is one you frequently entertain.

You know that there is a slight chance that he will turn human and hunky and will be eternally grateful to you for restoring him to his human state. Who wouldn't want someone like Prince Naveen at their disposal?

4. Whenever life gets emotionally charged you feel the urge to sing.

Late to class? Sing it out.

Fail an exam? Sing it out.

Don't get invited to that date night you thought you were going to? Sing it out.

Think your dad is potentially a Greek god? Sing it out.

See, it's very versatile.

5. You've thought of forks as back up hairbrushes for the majority of your life.

It worked when Ariel did it, and her hair has been

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soaking in saltwater her whole life so you know her tangles are legit. Plus it's more fun to ask someone if they have a dinglehopper than if they have a hairbrush.

6. You've toyed with the concept of turning drapery into clothing.

It worked so beautifully in Enchanted that you just know you could do the same. Plus, muted floral patterns are in again, so you'd be hella trendy.

7. You've always been slightly disappointed by how your hair looks.

Whether it's Prince Eric's perfectly coiffed hair, Pocahontas’ beautiful wind blown locks, Ariel’s fresh–out–of– water ginger masterpiece or Flynn Riders epic hair flipping skills, non cartoon hair always seems to fall flat.

8. Being out past midnight makes you nervous AF. You kind of feel like an imposter post midnight, like people will realize you aren't actually that sceney and they know you'd rather be binge watching Grey’s Anatomy than going to the third frat house of the night. Also, the delineation of your makeup is very similar to Cinderella’s post midnight transformation.

9. You refuse to set mouse traps because you know rodents are always on your side.

Whether it be the sweet and British accented mice from the Rescuers, Gus Gus from Cinderella, all the happy creatures from Bambi or Snow White or Meeko the raccoon from Pocahontas, rodents have proven to be the craftiest, most resourceful and altogether best friends you could have.

NOT TO BE A DOWNER, BUT LOWBROW IS ABOUT AS REAL AS YOUR CHANCES OF MARRYING PRINCE CHARMING. OR OF MARRYING A PRINCE IN GENERAL. OR OF MARRYING SOMEONE THAT YOU DIDN'T MEET THROUGH JDATE. BASICALLY LOWBROW ISN'T REAL AT ALL.

LOWBROW

FINANCIALLY STRUGGLING DISNEY PRINCESS SEEKS EMPLOYMENT And you thought the happiest place on earth didn’t have OCR.

Disney princesses have fallen on some hard times. In a post–recession global economy, it’s no longer feasible to spend all day whimsically singing and dancing around 22 bedroom/13–and–a–half bathroom castle in rural France. So some of Disney’s princesses have chosen to heed Rihanna’s advice and interview for jobs so they can “work, work, work, work, work, asdlfjaoadafo, work, work, work, work, work.”

BELLE

then held hostage by a beast was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But once the Stockholm Syndrome kicked in it really wasn’t that bad! I would say that identifying as beautiful AND literate has been my greatest challenge because, I mean, those things just don’t go together.

CINDERELLA Interviewer: So Belle, tell me why you would like to pursue a career in the marketing department at the Walt Disney Corporation.

Belle: I used to go to the market every day when I was a peasant taking care of my kooky papa!

Interviewer: You do know that marketing is not an actual market?

Belle: I know lots of things because I love to read and I have a kooky dad. You might think I’m stupid because I’m so beautiful, but I’m beautiful in a wistfully–gazing–in–the– distance–with–a–book–in– my–hands kind of way and not in a pub wench kind of way you know? I’ve held so many books while loudly complaining about how I think everyone in my town is an ignorant hick.

Interviewer: And have you faced any adversity in your life? How did you overcome those experiences?

Belle: A lot of people assume that being kidnapped and

GODMOTHER didn’t think orthopedic shoes would be appropriate for a party. What’s beauty without pain right?! (starts maniacally laughing).

ANYWAY, if I can seduce a man and be in bed by midnight then I’m sure I’m up for whatever is going on here.

ARIEL

strengths and weaknesses are?

Ariel: Sometimes I don’t think things all the way through.

Like one time I thought it would be a good idea to run away from home, sacrifice my ability to speak and live with a strange man who had recently sustained a pretty serious head injury in a boating accident.

But my strength has got to be my inquisitive spirit! I once used a fork as a comb, just one example of my innovative drive.

Interviewer: That’s great! Do you have any questions for me?

Ariel: What is a fire? And why does it…what’s the word… burn?

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Interviewer: Did you bring your resume with you today?

Cinderella: No, but if my (raises voice) FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS HERE she could probably turn that stapler and a few strands of my hair into a resume (hands interviewer stapler and a few strands of hair).

Interviewer: Are you a team player?

Cinderella: If the team is made up of mice, yes!

Interviewer: The Disney offices are a fast–paced environment, are you up for that kind of lifestyle?

Cinderella: Well my feet have been pretty battered up since running around in glass slippers. Guess my FAIRY

Interviewer: Why do you want to go back to work?

Ariel: After watching a lot of upworthy videos I feel like I owe it to women everywhere to work given that I’ve made young girls think they’re only worth their bodies since 1989.

Interviewer: I see. So would you say you’re passionate about women’s equality in the workplace?

Ariel: I would say I’m more passionate about increasing mermaid awareness. Like just cause we’re not human doesn’t mean we’re not PEOPLE. I was shocked at the absence of merpeople in the modern workplace. Like it’s 2016!

How are we nowhere on this?!

Interviewer: What would you say your biggest

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