04.21.2016 by 34th Street Magazine

April 21-27, 2016 34st.com

INSIDE PENN'S ADDERALL OBSESSION

SHOUTOUTS INSIDE • SHOUTOUTS INSIDE • SHOUTOUTS INSIDE

april 21

PAG E T WO

2016

LOL

So, guess what? This is the last issue of Street for the semester. And, while that may good news for some (looking at you, victims of the RoundUp and presidents of Greek organizations), it’s a little more complicated for me. On the one hand, I have made it through an entire semester doing a job that is incredibly challenging, time consuming and draining. I joke that I made it out alive—I didn’t wind up in therapy and I haven’t lost any friends—but it’s more than that. I did the hard part, I climbed to the top of the hill and I am proud. On the other, I have one less semester left doing a job that is unbelievably rewarding, fun and stimulating. One semester down means one semester to go, and then my time at Street—the thing that has shaped my entire life at Penn—will be over. I’ve been so busy enjoying doing the thing that I love the most at this school that it’s halfway over and I am sad. I hate when things end. I hate it because it means that I have to step away from a situation in which I’ve become comfortable, into one that I am not. I hate it because you can’t go back. I hate it because nothing will ever be the same. I hate when things end, but this isn’t really the end. This is a pause. So I think, for today, I am going to focus on the first hand, rather than the second one. I am proud of myself, of my staff, of my friends, for getting through this semester. To each and every person who has been a part of my life this year: thank you for making this semester at Street—and this year— my best yet. You all are everything to me, and I could not have done it without you.

3 HIGHBROW

overheards, roundup, no mo' fomo

4 WORD ON THE STREET

moving downtown, penn face, courage

5 EGO

eotw: alex sternlicht, big fling spenders, worst of penn

LOL

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

9 TECH

vapes, INTO app, vengo vending machine

13 FEATURE adderall

18 FILM & TV opia, cats

20 ARTS

blank wall

21 LOWBROW shoutouts

25 VICE & VIRTUE

food boy, pineapple jizz experiment, avril 50

HAGS!! -STREET

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Managing Editor Giulia Imholte, Audience Engagement Director Jeffrey Yang, Design Director Remi Lederman, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Orly Greenberg, Features Editor Mark Paraskevas, Word on the Street Editor Steph Barron, Word on the Street Editor Emily Hason, Campus Editor Julie Levitan, Culture Editor Brandon Slotkin, Entertainment Editor Rachel Rubin, Lowbrow Editor Genny Hagedorn, Highbrow Beat Keara Jenkins, Highbrow Beat Elena Modesti, Ego Beat Genevieve Glatsky, Ego Beat 2

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

Melissa Curley, Music Beat Sydney Hard, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beatlet Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beatlet Madison Bell-Rosof, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Nick Joyner, Film and TV Beat Emily Schwartz, Film and TV Beat Zoe Albano-Oritt, Tech Beat Hannah Noyes, Tech Beat Dina Zaret, Vice & Virtue Beat Chloe Shakin, Vice & Virtue Beat Jackie Lawyer, Lowbrow Beat Jack Cody, Lowbrow Beat Nadia Kim, Design Editor Sofie Praestgaard, Design Editor Alex Fisher, Photo Editor Katie Dumke, Photo Editor

Isabel Zapata, Photo Editor Sara Thalheimer, Copy Director Elana Waldstein, Copy Director Sola Park, Copy Editor Chloe Cheng, Copy Editor Blake Brashear, Social Media Editor Rhea Aurora, Social Media Editor Staff Writers: Frank Augello, Caroline Harris, Mike Coyne, Hallie Brookman, Olivia Fitzpatrick, Jillian Karande Staff Photographers: Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, Julie Chu Cheong Contributors: Cassandra Kyriazis, Claire Schmidt

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Katie Dumke, Isabel Zapata, Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh and Julie Chu Cheong. Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at johns@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "Literally all people do is pee." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

NO MO' FOMO

HIGHBROW

over heard PENN at

PSA: Comparison is the thief of joy. Ah, FOMO. The silly, sing–song sound of the word is almost as ridiculous as the fact that it’s a legitimate emotion we feel, like, all the time. Otherwise known as “Fear of Missing Out," FOMO comes in many forms. It's that inexplicable pang of anxiety you experience when your friends are ripping shots in the living room, and you’re trying to bullshit a paper due that night. It’s that feeling of tender heartbreak when you miss one weekend at school, and someone tells you about some epic night he or she had. It’s even when you actually go to Pool Party, Owl's Brunch, etc. but see Facebook pictures later of people who don’t just look like they had fun, but that they fucking killed it. More and more, we fall prey to the idea that we need

to be living our college years to the fullest or else we're just doing it wrong. Oh, and also don't forget to maintain good grades and ample extracurriculars, because we came here to do school too, apparently. But seriously, FOMO seems to be some weird manifestation of constantly comparing ourselves to our peers, and trying to one–up each other on who can ball out the hardest. That explains why we feel compelled to snap two straight minutes of our night for everyone to see. Then we’ll later post an Instagram that screams “Look how much fun I’m having,” but the caption will instead be some perfectly crafted expression of how “casual” it all really was. As much as Highbrow likes to shit on this kind of social media behavior, sometimes

THEROUNDUP Did Fling BLAU (3LAU? Who gives a shit) by for you? Because it did for us. As we all come down from our weekend highs and start to gear up for finals, Highbrow wants to give you one last treat for your VP reprieve. If this semester has taught us anything it’s 1) Don’t kiss and tell, and 2) Definitely don’t piss and tell. But rather than learn from these mistakes, Highbrow’s totally cool with you continuing to make them. The show must go on, right Chance? At the Castle and Oax Magic Gardens downtown, one junior boy looking to take a tinkle decided the bathrooms at the venue were too inconvenient for him. He snuck out from the private section and climbed on the stage, where fire–throwers and women on stilts had been performing. But that was not a rabbit in our fiesty friend’s hat: he let loose his golden showers in the spotlight, attracting the

Motivated Flinger: After making Moscow mules, I've decided to be a professional lime squeezer. As an occupation. Eloquent Professor: Sea ice has 99 problems but sea level rise ain’t one.

Illustration by Gloria Yuen

(very rarely) we do the exact same thing. We in turn feed the FOMO culture that the week before had us asking, “Am I social/fun/or just plain happy enough?” So as the Fling pictures continue to roll in this week, we’d suggest to look beyond the Valencia filters, the openmouthed smiles and glossy eyes and focus on what makes you feel genuinely fulfilled. A night stumbling home post–Allegro can be great,

but only if that's what you want, regardless of the social capital that comes with going out and letting everyone else know. If anything, you'll reminisce over those nights that are unexpected: you surrounded by your favorite people, actually being in the moment instead of stopping to take a photo of it. And those are the ones that not even a drinsta (Drunk Insta. C'mon people.) can fully capture.

attention of some very angry security guards. He pulled it off like a boss, but we’d rather he save his sorcerous tricks for the line at Magic Carpet. Speaking of lines, pool partygoers experienced a lot more waiting in lines than actually doing them. Sources leaked that bathroom lines were so long at the Theos and A’s Pool Party that a number of partiers resorted to peeing in a closet at Bamboo Bar. Too many people followed this model pee–havior, including one Oax freshman who was eventually kicked out of the venue. Refusing to take no for an answer, our clever friend took a lap around the block, changed her hairstyle and wore her clothes inside out, before miraculously making her re–entry into the bar. Props on Bamboo–zling the bitchy bouncers, despite the sketchy hOax that it was. Downtown indiscretions didn’t stop there. In an effort to find her lost phone, one girl attempted to retrace her sloppy steps via her succession of Snapchat stories. After determining that her phone was in the bathroom, she started aggressively banging on the door, and opened it to find someone mid– pee. The bathroom’s current user emerged from

Beloved Reader: You can submit 34th Street shoutouts now, he's gonna read them and weep. Anxious Wharton freshman: This is the first paper I've ever had to write at Penn. I'm terrified. Quad Security Guard inspecting Vitamin D pills: Are these narcotics?

the restroom yelling, before punching the other girl directly in the face. The cheap (Snap)shot easily could’ve escalated into a brawl, but bystanders were able to separate the feuding females before any further damage was done. Ladies, ladies. We get that you were both a little awk–cupied with things. Maybe next time try to roll with the (metaphorical) punches? But at least some people decided to make love and not war. Over Quaker Days, a party was thrown for prospective students in DuBois, where many a sloshed pre–frosh got their first taste of Penn. After likely comparing SAT scores, two partiers snuck off and had sex in a student’s bed, before being walked in on by an unsuspecting senior. Highbrow reports that acceptance rates might be at an all–time low, but pre–frosh libidos appear to be remarkably high. The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

LET'S START TALKING MAKAYLA REYNOLDS

The moment I found out that I was accepted to Penn was unforgettable. I had tears in my eyes as I opened the link to my acceptance letter, thinking of all that was in store for me. I felt as if a backpack filled with all of my struggles was lifted off of my shoulders. Then, two weeks before I arrived on campus, I drove to the bridge closest to my house. I would finally be able to escape the environment that almost tore me apart and work towards brighter days. I had told my mother the good news about my acceptance, and she said, “Why are you going to Penn State, and how are you going to pay for that?” Working three jobs and sleeping in my car to avoid my unstable household would finally come to an end. It was the knowledge that I had Penn as an alternative escape that made me get back in my car and head home. It took six days on campus for me to realize that it’s easier to change where you are physically than it is to change where you are emotionally. Once the excitement of NSO faded, it became apparent that my depression had made the 1,000 mile trip from Florida with me. That said, I managed to have a good freshman year. I made a few close friends and enjoyed school— at least on the surface. Then, in October of my sophomore year, I found myself being taken to the hospital in an attempt to make sure I didn’t cut my life short. The next day, I walked out of HUP to face the world again. “How are you?” a close friend I ran into on Locust asked. I painted a smile on my face and didn’t mention anything about the past 15 hours I had spent in a hospital bed, watching the psychiatrist’s expressions as I answered the dreaded question—“Why do you want to kill yourself?”—a question no one wants to ask or have to answer. It’s hard to explain how flashbacks of my childhood eat me alive. It’s hard to explain how years of watching my only parent

choose alcohol and pills over raising me has stripped me of all of my self–worth. It’s hard to explain the other attempts, thoughts and harmful actions that have almost ended my life, but I realized that I could not fight this battle alone. Later that day, I gathered a group of four friends together and tried to explain what had happened and my ongoing battle with my past. The feeling of guilt on top of the relief of realizing how much support I had from them was painful, but it was still so much better than suffering in silence. Putting my feelings into productive words was a surprisingly effective alternative to the destructive actions I had been taking against myself. One of the most important lessons that I have learned is that you can shape your future, but you cannot change your past. Although I have beaten the statistics—I earned a high school diploma, am working towards achieving a college degree and have recently become the first black female Class Board president at Penn—I have scars that will never fade. My Illustration by Gloria Yuen

"MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, AND IT SHOULDN'T BE HIDDEN."

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

I’m a new representative of an environment that needs to change.

childhood was not favorable, but I wouldn’t trade it for a more stable upbringing. I learned lessons that cannot be taught in a classroom. I have seen sights that I hope to never see again, but they are what drive me to work harder to get through each day. Sometimes that’s all you can do. There is nothing wrong with that, for that alone is incredible. I am so proud of everyone who gets up each day and fights through everything that may seem to eat them alive. I am so proud of everyone who endures any form of emotional pain. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and it shouldn’t be hidden. Because it cannot be beaten alone. Whether it is to a friend, family member or classmate, we must speak out to those who surround us and share our stories. Coming together and building a sense of community in which people don’t have to hide their struggles is how we can stand up effectively against mental illness. This is what I’m working towards creating here at Penn as my year’s Class Board president, but the most important thing we can do is build this community as individuals.

FLING SPENDAS

EGO

A compilation of different Penn students' spending habits during Fling—having to grease the bouncer three times in one week will definitely getcha. GENEVEIVE GLATSKY AND ELENA MODESTI

CAMI NWOKEDI (C '19)

and spiritually exhausting, and it’s vital to refuel around 1 a.m. in order to keep up with This freshman came in hot to the madness. Here’s what she fling with $300 to her name and recalled spending: managed to end her weekend SAE/Beta Downtown Ticket: with a total of 54 cents. It seems $40.00 that she spent more money on Chance the Rapper Ticket: the inevitable late night food $35.00 runs than on the actual events, Carnival Wristband: $5.00 but who can blame the girl? Alcohol: $25.00 Fling is emotionally, physically Chasers: $15.00

No one thought Fling was going to be cheap, and that proved more than true when Pool Party tickets started being sold for $250+. However, the things people spent their money on had quite an interesting range. Who knew you could spend more than ten dollars during a late night McDonald's run...or should I say rampage. Random representatives from each grade disclosed their spending habits during Fling, some of which are acceptable and some of which might now be regretful.

Cover charges: $30.00 Late night Allegro: $10.00 Late night Wawa: $10.00 McDonalds on Saturday night: $54.00 (Ed. note: what in god's name did you buy...) Notice, there are still 76 dollars unaccounted for. Better luck next time, novice fling–er.

HANNAH VAN DRIE, (C '17)

Hour, a real hidden gem, but those sake mojitos can add up. Copa Margs: $17.00 This junior went a little over Pod Happy Hour: $40.00 $100 this fling, starting her week early with Happy Hours BYO Booze: $25.00 and BYOs galore. She splurged Smokes' Covers: $3.00 early on in the week with Copa Wishbone BYO: $8.00 on Monday and Pod on Tues- Carnival Wristband: $5.00 Tap: $7.00 day and BYOs with friends Late night Zesto: $3.75 on Wednesday and Thursday. She reigned it in for the rest of OJ for Mimosas: $2.50 Boozy Brunch pancake the weekend, instead bouncing around house parties, frats mix: $2.50 and the occasional rooftop. Her biggest expense was Pod Happy

ANDREW WITHERSPOON (C '18)

Spoon is an icon on this campus to say the least, so it’s only appropriate that we inquire what his total damage was during Fling. He disclosed that he "spent a lot of money” but “didn’t purchase any tickets to anything.” The perks of being Spoon are endless. He also claims his spending habits were nothing compared to his friends who were "buying bottles." But still. What exactly was this man of action up to? Camo Vest for Pool Party: $90.00 Drinks at Pool Party and Roxxy Downtowns: $300.00 Bursared Food on Friday: $25.00 Food on Saturday: Nothing because he didn’t eat all day (Ed. note: Someone walk me through this…) Covers: $40.00 Total: $455.00

ACED YOUR FINAL? do a kegstand

FAILED Post finals YOUR FINAL? CALLS FOR A do a kegstand

pre game We’ve got THE BEER FOR your holiday party!

beer springfield distributor

Studying too hard?

2206 Washington Ave, Philadelphia | (215) 546-7301 | we deliver 2206 Washington ave, Philadelphia (215) 546-7301

WE DELIVER Take a break

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

EGO

THE WORST OF PENN Not everything can be the best.

WORST PLACE TO REALIZE YOU DON'T HAVE CASH IN LINE AT METRO It's 12p.m. on Sunday and you've finally made it out of bed with only one thing on your pounding mind: coffee. You've entered the establishment and passed the guy you used to hook up with sitting across from his new girlfriend as well as that group of sorority girls who can't even finish a bagel. You've endured awkwardly standing at the back of the line, dodging people going to the bathroom, the barista delivering coffee and the fridge door. Now there's only one person in front of you and they've already ordered, so it should only be another half hour before you can get your latte. But oh shit. No cash. You're either ordering five coffees, a huge bag of granola, some weird tofu salad, or an $8 coffee that will take 10 years to arrive. Sorry!

WORST CONDITIONS TO WALK OF SHAME IN EXTREME WEATHER IN HEELS It’d be a lot easier to treat leaving Hill at 10a.m. on a Sunday in a body con dress with lipstick smeared on your face if it wasn’t thunder storming, sleeting, raining spaghetti and the possibility of a zombie apocalypse wasn’t looming. So go forth young one, trip and limp in those stilettos you borrowed from your roommate that are a half size too big and keep slipping off your foot and getting stuck in the locust bricks. The Smirnoff ices you downed last night are

nothing compared to the black ice you’re about to slip on stomach first and go sliding upon like a little baby cartoon penguin. Wait wasn’t it sunny and 72 yesterday? Is that an earthquake? Why is it snowing? It’s because Philly weather doesn’t give a shit about you. Not one single tiny turd. Our tip? Go for a barefoot sprint and deal with the frostbite at home. Godspeed, you hobbling mess, godspeed.

WORST PLACE TO GET A SPONTANEOUS BONER IN A MEETING WITH YOUR THESIS ADIVOSOR

CREATIVE • BALANCED • SIMPLE 1608 SOUTH STREET • PHILADELPHIA, PA 215-790-0330 • ENTREEBYOB.COM 6

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

If you were to ask someone who is attracted to men if Matt Levendusky is attractive, they’d probably say yes. But I’m not attracted to men. And as excited as I am to talk about my thesis, congressional politics and high school–level statistics, I wouldn’t say I’m particularly aroused by those things. But it happened anyway. I got a boner in front of my thesis advisor. I needed to stall; it was one of those weird warm winter days where I could wear shorts, and I absolutely could not stand up at that moment. The topic of conversation switched to my going to a Bruce Springsteen concert, which, given my fanaticism, absolutely did not help things. Then we talked about a trip Levendusky took to New York, which meant talking about Hamilton and pizza, which also didn’t help. Eventually, things died down, but I still feel like a bar mitzvah boy at our weekly thesis meeting.

EGO

WORST PLACE TO WAKE UP

PHI DELT

It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. You were gin drunk and just knew that if you didn’t have a sleepover at Barney the Dog’s house you would literally die. Things look different in the cold light of morning. You slept with your contacts in and are wearing a leopard trimmed cocktail dress. Yes you chose this little number post pre–game but still, why do you own it in the first place? Do you escape barefoot or slip back into your stilettos that were already out for blood last night? Where are those heels, anyhow? What time is it? 9:50a.m. Friday morning. “The only way out is through,” you remind yourself as you stare down the front door. Locust Walk looks like a Los Angeles highway and you, the newest Cheetah Girl, make a mad dash through it, saying silent prayers. In the process of getting home, you run into your Spanish partner who you told you were deathly ill, your Econ TA you have a crush on and even the DP guy who you accept a paper from as penance. Don’t try this one at home, kids.

WORST COVEN OF FUCKBOIS POTTRUCK SMOOTHIE BROS They can strike at any time. Sometimes you hear them before you even have a chance to prepare yourself: “I’ll have that with an extra scoop of protein.” You turn around. There are five of them. As expected, they’re all wearing either their frat’s fling tank from ’08 or a LeBron James high school jersey. It seems as if they cycle their wardrobe amongst one another. You eavesdrop a bit. You hear one of them complain about how he “smashed that beat freshman chick last weekend but should’ve just settled for head.” You feel his pain. This species belongs to the breed of bro that pretends to not give a fuck about anything, yet spends a good hour or two agonizing over a caption every time they update their cover photo. One second they say hello to you and ask how your day is going, and before you know it they’re asking for nudes. Don’t fall prey to the biceps. You have been warned.

WORST THING TO LEAVE AT A HOOKUP'S HOUSE YOUR STICKY BOOBS As if the magnificent pieces of anatomy known as "boobs" (or "titties" by people who seldom experience them) were not great enough a source of male confusion on their own, they often come guarded by a treacherous obstacle known as the "bra." It seems a Godsend when, drunk, confused and sweating after formal, he doesn’t have to face the emasculation of the quest for and disarming of a clasp, because your "sticky boobs" fall right off. But then, the morning after, once you’ve quietly snuck out of his room, put your heels on outside the door and stumbled home, you realize you didn’t pick up your sticky boobs from the floor and that, a few hours from now, he will. Sticky boobs are a fashion necessity, but once they entail facing the boy you just fucked and pulling male chest hairs out of the tape (because you know he’s going to try it on) you’d rather just spend the $60 on another pair.

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: ALEX STERNLICHT

Our former fearless leader reflects on the RoundUp, female drag queens and having small boobs. Street: How does it feel being back on Street? Alex Sternlicht: It feels great to be on the other side of this, but I also realize how nerve– wracking this is. Even though I’ve been doing Street forever, I’m still nervous about the Ego interview. Street: Why did you join Street in the first place? AS: I joined Street because I knew Nina Wolpow, who was the Editor–in–Chief before Chloe. Nina was friends with my cousin and when I came to Penn, I met her at A’s date night and she was like, ‘What do you want to do on campus?’ and I was like, ‘I don’t know, I love 34th Street.’ She was like, ‘Really? I’m Ed-

itor–in–Chief; you should come by one of our meetings.’ So then I came by, and I was like, ‘Okay, I want to do Highbrow.’ From there, I started writing gossip, and my life has been changed ever since. Nothing has been the same. Once you start writing the RoundUp, you can never go back. Street: Why do you say that? AS: I was banned from a fraternity my sophomore year. It sort of changed who my friends were. I wrote about a certain frat doing certain illicit activities, and they were unhappy with me, so they told me not to come back. I got some choice texts, and then I was like, ‘You know, I’m gonna fully commit to Street because I like these people.’ Street: Was it worth it? AS: It was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I was talking to my friend about this last night. She said it made me a lot more interesting after I was banned because I was forced to make new friends. Street: What is your response to people’s criticisms of Highbrow? AS: As long as people are reading it, I don’t care. People will read it because they love to hate it. But they love it. Street: What

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

are you most proud of during your time at Street? AS: I made Word on the Street into a new section. I reorganized the staff. And I’m also proud because I taught Corey Fader, who is the current photo director, what a tampon is and what happens when a girl has her period. So I’m pretty proud of that.

notice that you had really small boobs until you wrote about it.’ I’m glad I wrote that piece. It was awkward when my parents found it, but whatever.

Street: Tell me about your senior thesis. AS: I’m writing about drag queens, so I’ve attended over ten hours of drag shows. I’ve been to Atlantic City to get my hair blown out by a drag queen, and I’ve taken lots of photos and become well acquainted with the drag community. I’ve had a drag queen cry into my arms. But I’m writing about women in drag. It’s basically about how people think that drag is very gender–liberating, which it is, but in practice, it’s also still very male–dominated.

Street: What do you love the most about Penn? AS: I love the sushi at Van Pelt. I’ve eaten it every day for the past four years. I’m honestly shocked I’m alive.

Street: So you wrote about women that dress in drag? AS: Yes, women that dress up as women. I think there’s a bit of a drag queen in all of us. In some ways, I think we all have this hyper–sexual hot woman who’s deep down inside of us and given the right venue, that drag queen comes out. It’s about women who are expressing different forms of femininity. Street: Can you talk about the piece you wrote about having small boobs? AS: I’ve had really, really small boobs for my whole life—like, child–sized boobs. And I wrote a piece about that. I actually got really interesting feedback on it. One boy asked me, ‘Did you write about that because you want people to be looking at your shirt the whole time you’re talking?’ Or, ‘I actually didn’t

Street: What advice would you give to your freshman–year self? AS: Burn your Lilly Pulitzer sheets.

Name: Alex Sternlicht Hometown: Newton, MA Major: English, Creative Writing concentration Activities: 34th Street, Vagina Monologues, Friars, OAX INTERVIEW CONDUCTED BY GENEVIEVE GLATSKY Street: There are two types of people at Penn… AS: Those who interrogate me about the RoundUp at Smokes' and those who are not frat boys.

Street: Tell us something we don’t know about Street. Street: What do you miss most AS: How many people have had about being Editor–in–Chief? sex in the Street office. Don’t AS: I miss feeling like I matsit on the couch. It’s covered in ter. People asking me questions semen. that want my opinion and who think that what I say has some Street: If you could have a sort of weight. drink with anyone in history, who would it be? Street: What will you be doing AS: I would have a drink with on this day in ten years? the cast of Rent, because I would AS: I see myself being verified want to ask them: 1) How do on Facebook. they get by not paying rent, and 2) What’s it like breaking Street: What’s your spirit into song when your friends are animal? dying? AS: I think it’s a teacup Pomeranian. Or a pygmy goat. It Street: What’s one question I changes by day. They’re small, forgot to ask you? but at the same time, their AS: I thought you were going to dwarf status brings them a lot ask me about the DP. of power. Even though a teacup Pomeranian can’t walk up stairs, Street: How do you feel about everyone wants to pick it up and the DP? carry it because it’s so adorable. AS: Love the DP. Was on the board of the DP. Miss the DP. Street: What’s the best compli- It’s amazing and important, but ment you’ve ever received? sometimes I just want to hold AS: ‘You look like Russell it in my arms and be like, ‘It’s Brand.’ okay. Things are gonna be okay. The lights will turn on in the Street: If you were going to be morning.’ famous for something, what would it be? Street: How do you feel now AS: I’ve always wanted to be a that your final task as Editor– Snapchat celebrity. Although in–Chief is over? that’s coming along a lot slower AS: God, that’s so sad. than I thought it would.

F E AT U R E

PENN’S ADDERALL OBSESSION | BY MIKAELA GILBERT-LURIE

t makes focusing on tedious assignments much less painful. It allows you to easily pull all–nighters. It lets you party longer and harder. It means you can drink more and black out less. It suppresses your appetite to keep you skinny. And it can be yours for only $12 a pill. "It’s pretty cool. Have you seen the movie Limitless?” Pablo*, a senior in the college, asks. He’s referring to a 2011 movie about a man who takes a fictional pill called NZT–48, which is composed of an untested chemical that

improves focus and mental acuity so intensely that the protagonist quickly and easily becomes a Wall Street tycoon. It sounds like the kind of pill that almost every Penn student would take if given the chance. Of course, NZT–48 has dangerous, even fatal side effects, but that’s not what Pablo’s talking about. He’s talking about the power the pill has to increase concentration and cognitive ability. And Pablo’s talking about it for a reason—he’s comparing the fictional NZT–48 to a very real drug that he happens

to take and sell: Adderall. “It’s actually kind of incredible,” Pablo says. He isn’t the only one who thinks so. A 2014 Pediatric Academics Society study found that 20 percent of Ivy League students abuse stimulants like Adderall to get ahead academically. To many people at Penn, though, that number seems conservative. Estimates on the percentage of students misusing Adderall, from individuals interviewed for this piece, range from 40 to 70 percent. And while their estimates are based on anecdotal evidence, the fact

of the matter is clear: Adderall is, or at least seems to be, everywhere. Sarah*, a junior in Wharton who buys Adderall illegally, talks about stimulant abuse the way one might talk about the weather: with only the slightest hint of interest. “You’ll see it happening in Huntsman and stuff. Especially in the quiet study room. I don’t think anyone cares at this point. Everyone knows that half the people in that room are gonna be on Adderall,” Sarah says. Its prevalence represents something much more com-

plex than the general desire of Penn students to garner a competitive, academic edge. In some ways, a 20 mg tablet of Adderall should be our mascot. It’s an emblem, the perfect expression of our academic and social anxieties, the work–hard, play–hard wonderdrug. And it’s not going away.

*** What is it? Adderall (a mixture of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine), as well as other drugs prescribed to treat

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

F E AT U R E

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) like Ritalin and Concerta, causes a slight euphoric effect in the brain by mimicking the structure of notoriously feel–good neurotransmitters, like dopamine, and binding to dopamine receptors. This is similar to the effect that other stimulants like methamphetamines (meth) or MDMA (ecstasy) have on the brain. Simultaneously, Adderall simulates the effect of norepinephrine (commonly known as adrenaline), which triggers the body’s fight–or–flight response. This is where Adderall’s legendary, focus–inducing effect comes into play. The same way your body needs to be able to zero in on the task at hand when you’re, say, running away from a tiger, your brain on Adderall takes your midterm paper to be a singularly important, life–or–death task. It sets aside external stimuli and forces you to concentrate until the drug is flushed from your system. This kind of hyperfocus is necessary for individuals who have ADHD just to get to an even playing field, but it’s simply a form of cognitive enhancement for those who do not. Medically–assisted cognitive enhancement is what Dr. Anjan Chatterjee, the chair of neurology at Pennsylvania Hospital, calls “cosmetic neurology.” Dr. Chatterjee coined the term in a 2004 paper to describe neurotechnologies, including pharmacological interventions like Adderall, that healthy, “normal” individuals use to enhance their cognitive abilities. “Calling it cosmetic neurology was by analogy to cosmetic surgery, where

the same surgical procedures that were used to reconstruct facial injuries and various facial deformities then started being used in people who didn’t have those kinds of disfigurements and to enhance people’s appearance. It’s the same sort of thing, enhancing people’s cognitive and emotional states when they’re within the range of a normal distribution,” Dr. Chatterjee explains. This kind of enhancement is exactly what most Penn students are looking for when they pop a pill to study for a test or write a paper. Pablo, who acts as a middleman–type Adderall dealer (in that he doesn’t have his own prescription, but he sells someone else’s extra pills), believes that he, alongside the majority of his 40+ person client list, doesn’t actually need the medication. He just likes it. “I just do it because it makes me feel really good, and I know I’m gonna be super productive, and I happen to know that I write better when I’m taking Adderall... For the most part, I would say people think it’s just like, a nice thing,” Pablo says. “An added bonus.”

***

Is It Legal? It’s a nice thing that comes with some risks, though. Adderall is classified as a Schedule

1 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

2 controlled substance by the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA). Schedule 2 drugs are the most addictive substances that simultaneously have a medical purpose (by contrast, Schedule 1 substances are those drugs that have a high risk for abuse and no accepted medical purpose, like heroin or ecstasy). While many people don’t consider Adderall to be particularly risky, the DEA lists it as having the same potential for abuse as drugs like cocaine, OxyContin and morphine—which means that it carries the same legal risks. Despite the reality that selling (or even giving away) prescription Schedule 2 drugs can be prosecuted as a felony, Penn students who sell and buy these drugs seem to have almost no fear of getting caught. One such student is Abel* (C’16), who sells his prescribed Adderall to friends and “small circles” of his friends’ friends. Abel doesn’t really think of himself as a drug dealer. “I don’t know. Drug dealer

F E AT U R E

to me has all these other associations of like, slimy and money laundering and all this shit. And I guess I do that. But I don’t really view myself in the same way as somebody who deals. Like, I definitely don’t think I’m in the category of people who deal, like, heroin and meth

and crack because you’re ruining people’s lives with that stuff,” he says, cracking a smile and adding, “But yeah, I guess I am a drug dealer, by definition of selling drugs to people.” Drug dealer or not, Abel isn’t afraid he’s going to get in trouble for selling. “I’m less and less afraid every day of getting caught. I feel like the police here care more about the image of the school than catching people who are selling

drugs that help people study and get higher grades. We’re almost helping the image of the school. And it’s going to hurt if we get caught and that becomes news.” Similarly, Pablo, who jokingly says he prefers to think of himself as more of a “salesman” than a dealer, also doesn’t worry about getting caught, but for a different reason: He actively tries to avoid finding out what the dangers of prescription drug dealing are. “When I decided that I would sell, I googled the risks, and they were pretty serious so I put it away. I was like, I don’t want to know, I’m just going to be careful,” Pablo said, adding somewhat sheepishly after a pause, ”It’s sort of a federal crime, isn’t it?”

***

Is it Fair?

At the going black–market rate, not everyone can afford Adderall. While the value structure varies slightly from dealer to dealer, the general price for the drug is structured on a scale of 50 cents per milligram, or $10 for a standard, 20 mg, instant release (IR) pill. Prices decrease slightly if you’re buying in bulk or buying extended release (XR) pills, since XR pills don’t work as well for some people, and thus can be harder products for dealers to move. No matter what you’re buying, Adderall comes with a hefty price tag. Joan*, a sophomore in the Engineering school, says that the price of the drug is what keeps her from using it too frequently. “Since they’re so expensive, I don’t use them as much as I wish I did, since I find them wildly helpful…. It’s a luxury when I can because it’s like, I can study. I wish I could take it every day,” Joan says. “I don’t have the money for it. But like, kids here definitely

have the money for it. So the richer you are, the more prevalent it is.” In some ways the Adderall marketplace exemplifies in microcosm the broad class struggles that underscore our social and academic lives at Penn. Adderall might seem like it gives users just a slight edge—after all, it’s a tiny pill—but the advantages it can provide can be the difference between getting an A and a B in a tough class, or a job offer and a rejection letter. Dr. Chatterjee expands on this issue. “The use of this kind of enhancement to try to help people get, whether it’s better grades or something else, is just part and parcel of that ultra competitive, winner–take–all environment, where if some people have a slight advantage, the belief is that it gives you disproportionate rewards.” The ethical concern about using Adderall for cognitive enhancement, then, becomes one of distributive justice: Is it okay for some people to

have a cognitive leg–up over non–Adderall users, simply by nature of their financial circumstances? And, as Dr. Chatterjee explains, it’s possible that many of us are okay with this kind of distributive inequality simply because it has historically worked in our favor. “Fairness is an issue, and that gets back to this distribution, this inequitable distribution [of Adderall]...Most people that are beneficiaries of the unfairness say yes, it’s okay. Just by definition, if you’re at Penn you’re already the beneficiary of some of these unfairnesses,” Dr. Chatterjee notes. Pablo echoes this sentiment, saying, “I took [Adderall] my junior year and got much higher on my SATs. And I’m sure maybe like, two percent of juniors who took the SAT that year took Adderall, or maybe like five percent, but some very small percent. So is it fair that I took it? No, it’s definitely not fair...Probably the people who took Ad-

derall are also the people who got tutored, and are white and went to private school.”

***

Is it Safe? Noelle Melartin, the Director for the Office of Alcohol and Other Drug Program Initiatives, sits beneath a poster that reads, “Prescription Stimulant Abuse Won’t Make You Smarter. You’re Smart Enough Already.” She later gives me the poster to keep. She explains that taking drugs that are prescribed to someone else is inherently dangerous. Doctors write prescriptions only after taking in a patient’s complex web of personal variables, such as her height, weight, pre–existing health conditions and other medications. Melartin’s stance on the issue is firm. “Unless you have had an evaluation by a prescriber, you really can’t make any assumptions about how safe it will be for you as an individual,” she says. Some students who have prescriptions, though, don’t seem to be as confident as Melartin is that a doctor’s involvement is a check on abuse. Abel explains that his doctor readily wrote him a much higher prescription than he thinks is reasonable. “I’m prescribed 60 mg of Adderall a day. I probably take 40 to 60 mg of Adderall

a week. So I am severely over– prescribed, which then means I can turn the rest into profits if I find people to sell to,” Abel says, adding, “I honestly think my heart would physically explode if I took 60 mg of Adderall every single day. I’ve taken 30 mg and felt like that before, so I don’t really know what [my doctor thinks] I do with it.” Pablo agrees. While the friend who gives Pablo his supply of Adderall acquires the drug legally through a prescription, Pablo believes the doctor doesn’t know or care that his patient does not actually need the pills. “I mean, it’s so easy to get a prescription from what I hear,” he says. “So if you have a prescription and don’t need it, it’s an easy way to make a quick $150 on something you don’t need.”

***

Is it a Party Drug? Melartin is not just concerned with the off–label use of Adderall for cognitive enhancement, though. She also worries about it being used as a party drug. “Taking it recreationally can be particularly risky if you’re also drinking at the same time. Any time you’re mixing substances or mixing any kind of drug with alcohol, it’s impacting two different parts of the brain at the same time. It can also have a similar impact as cocaine,” Melartin says. Her fears are echoed by Dr. Chatterjee, who offers a medical basis for the concern about the recreational use of Adderall. “If you’re snorting it, that’s different than it dissolving in your stomach and gradu-

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

F E AT U R E

ally coming in. And so I can imagine that that would have a huge, quick bump in people’s blood pressure, for example, that could predispose even young people to having strokes and brain hemorrhages and things like that,” Dr. Chatterjee notes. And their apprehension isn’t unfounded. Penn students don’t just take Adderall to study: That would only encompass half of our work– hard–play–hard aesthetic. We take it to party as well. That being said, Abel believes that of the subset of students who can afford Adderall, it’s an even smaller subset who are willing to pay to take it to go out. “I think for rich kids it’s less about studying and more about snorting it and partying with it,” Abel says. “Pretty much everyone buys it, at least from me, to study. Most people who are going

to buy something to snort are probably gonna buy coke and just skip the Adderall altogether.” But individuals like Sarah*, poke holes in Abel’s theory. She buys Adderall to study, but she also buys it to party. “I will buy it to snort it, like if there’s an event coming up and I know I’m going to want to use Adderall and I don’t have any left, I’ll buy it,” Sarah says. Joan, by contrast, doesn’t take Adderall to party consistently. She’s tried it before, though, based on her friends’ glowing reviews of Adderall as a party drug. “Somebody mentioned it to me as, ‘It’s the little brother of cocaine,’ which I thought was funny. People say it gets

them more fucked up without having to drink more, and then another person told me it makes them blackout less,” Joan explains. The comparisons of Adderall to cocaine come up exceptionally frequently. Pablo takes Adderall orally whether he’s using it to study or party, because, as he explains, “Snorting stuff kind of geeks me out.” He says, “It’s like baby cocaine...you can just go straight through the whole day and night. It keeps you up longer and you can

There’s a lot of talk about the ethics of unprescribed Adderall and the comparative advantages it offers its users, but maybe the real moral question isn’t about the pills at all. Maybe the drugs are just a side effect of a larger cultural phenomenon, in which we over–emphasize performance at the expense of safety and mental health. Dr. Chatterjee certainly thinks so. “To go right after the use of the drugs, I think, misses the larger point. Because you’re just trying to deal with a symptom of a bigger cultural trend... But then Penn gets stuck in the same thing, because they want to be in the US News and World Report top whatever, right, ten schools, keep drinking and not really so then what's the criteria for get to the point where you’re, that? Penn plays to the test like, stumbling and incoherof getting that. So I think it ent and not functional.” is a very deep and pervasive In the same way that phenomenon,” he says. Adderall helps you push So many of us were under through when you’re study- the misguided impression in ing, it helps pull you tohigh school that getting into gether when you’re drunk, college was the goal. But it partying and wanting to turns out, the rat race never keep going. Abel explains stops. There’s always another Adderall works to steady hurdle to jump or award to him when he’s drunk. compete for or title to earn, “Snorting Adderall is a and for many Penn students, lot like taking it, just faster. that’s where Adderall comes So you don’t have to wait in: It’s simply a means to like, a half hour, but it’s an end, a weapon in the the same thing. You just never–ending arms race for stay awake, and you feel a increased concentration and little bit more focused, and cognition as a way of improvif you’re drunk you feel a ing performance. little less drunk and more College junior Regina*, stable. If you have the spins who has an Adderall prescripand you can’t figure out tion that she uses infrewhat’s going on and you quently, puts it succinctly: “I snort a line you feel a lot, don’t crave [Adderall] when like, clearer.” I’m not on it, like even when I’m feeling stressed or over whelmed or depressed or like feeling like I want to cry, like Is it a culture problem? I’d rather do it, I’d rather just

***

1 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

like cry and deal with it. And in high school I would just take a mental health day. In college, there are no mental health days.” Regina sounds sad as she explains what she means when she says that Adderall is the tool that lets her push through the days when she would otherwise be overwhelmed. She does not revere the drug. She seems resigned as she says softly, “For me, it’s just the sacrifice that I make because I need to get my work done and I need to do well...I see it as I’m taking it for a purpose, and that is, to achieve a goal, to do well in school so that I can succeed in life.”

***

Adderall, for many, has become something like a handrail on the winding path towards success, and even students who have moral or safety concerns about it have come to see it as something like a necessary evil. Sarah is one such student. “I think I don’t need it, and I’m using a drug that I don’t need, and I know that’s wrong. But like, I’m not stopping,” Sarah says. “Studying has become so important to me. Like, doing well, since I started doing well, has been my number one priority, so I don’t think I’ll stop. I think I’d like to stop, but I don’t think I would.” Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie is a junior studying Philosophy in the College. She is the Managing Editor for Street.

FILM & TV

university square

enjoy the best of penn JUST STEPS AWAY IN UNIVERSITY SQUARE! 34th & walnut streets: Adolph biecker salon • auntie anne’s • cvs • dunkin donuts • mad mex • mediterranean cafe • nom nom ramen • piper • quiznos • united by blue 34th & sansom streets: doc magrogan’s oyster house • federal donuts 36th & walnut streets: american apparel • ANN TAYLOR LOFT • BLUE MERCURY • COMPUTER CONNECTION • COSI • HELLO WORLD • PENN BOOKSTORE • PENNE RESTAURANT • PHILADELPHIA RUNNER • POD • URBAN OUTFITTERS 36TH & CHESTNUT streets: o’cHATto japanese cuisine • KIWI frozen YOGURT • WAWA 37TH & SPRUCE streets: BEIJING RESTAURANT • BONDED CLEANERS • penn campus hair skin & nail salon • kitchen GIA • HUBBUB coffee • PHILLY PRETZEL FACTORY / PHILLY IS NUTS • SALAdWORKS • UPS STORE • WAWA 38TH & walnut streets: honeygrow • jOSEPH ANTHONY HAIR SALON • TD BANK • VERIZON WIRELESS 40TH STREET: BEN & JERRY’S • CINEMARK • FRESH GROCER • HARVEST • HIP CITY VEG • LAST WORD BOOK SHOP • METROPOLITAN BAKERY • GREEK LADY • natural shoe • QDOBA MEXICAN GRILL • SAXBY’S COFFEE • SMOKEY JOE’S • U.S. POST OFFICE

shopping

dining

services

FOR A COMPLETE LIST OF RETAILERS, VISIT UCNET.COM/UNIVERSITYSQUARE

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

PENN'S NEWEST FILM CLUB: OPIA FILMS

It’s no secret that Penn undergraduate life is chock–full of student consulting groups and marketing clubs. Flyers on Locust advertise weekly meetings in Huntsman and GSRs are always full of executive board meetings. Students interested in finding more creative work outside their courses often have to look a little harder once they miss the one or two club fairs at the beginning of fall. But, one student group is looking to change that atmosphere and add to Penn’s creative environment: Opia Films. Opia Films is a new film production club on campus that aims to be involved in every step of the filmmaking process, from concept development to final

FILM & TV

How one new film club is changing the filmmaking game.

Amanda’s initial idea with Opia Films was to fill the creative gap she noticed among presentation. The group’s goal is to generate creative, engaging Penn’s student filmmaking community. Penn teaches few techniand high quality content that has the potential to be featured cal classes in terms of concepts like lighting and sound in film at film festivals nationwide. While a range of film clubs exist production, so the club sees part of their role as taking on that on campus, from the comedic Late Night show to the original challenge. By opening up a space for artistic collaboration, Opia web series Classless TV, Opia Films is one of the few with the Films hopes to reach other students who felt that these types of purpose of creating the type of content that wins highly desired opportunities were lacking. With awards. “I have a dream of going help from the Kelly Writers to the Cannes Film Festival and House, the club has been able to make that happen. “I think it’s winning the student slot and gonna make a creative outlet,” sending everyone to France,” said Amanda Prager (C’18), the Amanda said. “I know that other club’s founder. “Is that feasible? people feel that their creative muscles are atrophying. I saw a Probably not within the first void, and I was gonna fill it.” year, but that’s the ultimate Another unique aspect of the dream.” club is its pledge to work with local musicians and businesses. The club plans to partner with student musicians to both include their music in the club’s films, as well as work on projects

EMILY SCHWARTZ

like music and promo videos. As far as businesses go, Opia Films hopes to combine efforts and produce creative films in the style of Dove body image videos or Extra’s gum commercials. “If we can come up with a concept that can raise brand awareness then it also helps us,” Amanda explained. “If we can help the Penn community, then I just see it as a win win.” The group is even distinctive in its pledge to give equal roles to all members, as opposed to the traditional leadership structure that exists within most of Penn’s clubs. The club’s founders wanted to avoid the situation a lot of creative students find themselves in, where they are prevented from doing their own work because they are not in senior or management positions. To solve this problem, the group consists of a number of individuals with unique roles—

Bring your and your

actors, writers and directors, for example—who each contribute something different to the club and contribute equivalent amounts. “What I really don’t like about Penn’s clubs in general is the social hierarchy that comes with being in a creative group here,” said Amanda. “[Opia Films] is much more democratic.” So, next time you’re searching for a creative outlet, don’t hesitate to look towards Penn’s student filmmaking community. If being featured on the front page of Vimeo or directing an Inception–esque film is a goal of yours, Opia Films just might be your chance to make it happen.

and your to

Philly’s best Indian BYO! Mention this ad for 10% off your pickup or delivery order (till 4/30/16) 215-222-7122 Schedule your group’s end-of-semester BYO today! 106. S 40th St | TandoorPhilly.com | Free Delivery! 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

FILM & TV

UN E LIST★BEST BR

WIN

★

D AT

BEST OUTDOOR DINING, BEST CRÊPES, BEST DRAG SHOW www.creperie-beaumonde.com

TO MAKE A RESERVATION CALL: 215-592-0656

MONDAY: NOON – 10PM TUESDAY – FRIDAY: NOON – 11PM SATURDAY 10AM – 11PM SUNDAY 10AM – 10PM

HAPPY HOUR: MONDAY - FRIDAY 5:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

MONDAYS FOR SPECIAL EVENTS TUESDAY–THURSDAY 7:30–1AM FRIDAY & SATURDAY 7:00–2AM SUNDAY 7:30–1AM

CABARET HOURS

6th & BAINBRIDGE STREETS, PHILADELPHIA

CREPERIE HOURS

they’re a force–multiplier.” idle Saturday afternoon. The Much of the film plays on jux- best parts of Keanu come out tapositions such as these, like in the over–the–top almost a race commentary joke ocparody–like sequences of the curring directly before a scene film, such as when they go to of a man being swallowed by a sell drugs to Anna Faris in her python. Peele says that he and Hollywood home. Key address these two warring As the conversation started personae inside them by tryto round up, the burden of ing to push buttons in their preparing a question fell on an comedy, pissing people off and unprepared Drexel undergrad. making them laugh. Even after apologizing that Continuing his monopoly his moobs were sweating, of the roundtable, Peele reMethod Man didn’t believe marked that he was ready to him and demanded, “Lemme make the jump from sketch see ya nipple!” To which the comedy to full–length films. Drexel boy responded “It’s “The biggest difference with like a rap movie up in here,” this one is that you have to and proceeded to pose the sustain a story. You have to question “What’s so gangsta ground it, you have to give it about a cat?” a heart, and so Keanu takes Peele responded logically, us through this journey and I saying “We took the cutest think people laugh and they thing in the world and we put also care about the characters." it in the craziest situation.” Peele brought his love for Method Man opted for a action and violence into the more direct approach, pointfilm, including several blooding to a picture of Keanu the ily comedic shootouts. “It’s cat and replying, “I mean look very action–packed but based at this bitch man. He looks on our favorite type of genre: like Justin fucking Bieber." cool movies.” Citing his love As for the future, Peele is for Liam Neeson movies, he producing a pilot for Tracey remarked, “This movie was Morgan on FX and finishing about taking us and putting us edits on Get Out, the feature into that over the top violent horror movie he directed that world and seeing what the is gonna “push some buttons everyday guy would do. Fish (again) and scare the shit out outta water.” of people.” He says that he While not a particularly and Key will always be doing stylish or interesting story, movies together. Method Man Keanu is great for the genre said, “Nothing. I’m on this it nods at: that specific type movie.” of mediocre action–comedy NICK JOYNER that stoners flock to on an

It was a beautiful Tuesday afternoon when I was greeted by security guards outside the new Le Cat Café in North Philly. Two men in suits gestured me into a doorway titled “Keanu’s Crib,” flanked on both sides by six–foot tall posters of the namesake kitten in a do–rag. Method Man of Wu–Tang Clan and Peele, of the iconic comedic duo Key and Peele, were hosting a roundtable amongst snoozing cats in support of their new movie Keanu, hitting Philly theaters on April 29th. The film follows two cousins, played by Key and Peele, as they feign the thug life and join a gang of “Blips” (read: Bloods + Crips) in order to reclaim a kitten that was robbed from them by a gangster named Cheddar (played by Method Man). Phew. Jordan Peele and Alex Rubens, a writer for Community and Key and Peele, both hold writing credits on the film. And the film has been gaining steam ever since its premiere at SXSW last month. Sitting down to a table of stuffed plush kitties and Keanu–printed sugar cookies, Peele and Method Man exuberantly discussed their involvement with the film. “It’s all about duality,” began Peele, describing the simultaneous existence of both an artist and a warrior in his headspace. “You put a kitten in Method Man’s arm and all of a sudden

N G E ★B E S T F I R S T

Method Man loves nipples.

TL OU

A CAT CAFE DEBRIEF WITH METHOD MAN AND PEELE

KITTENS & DRUGS:

Photo by Rob Kopf

Sip away your MALAISE Our new #juiceHUB juices supercharge your day. 100% raw, organic, vegan and cold pressed— in 5 delicious ﬂavors, now at HubBub

3736 Spruce St. | www.hubbubcoffee.com | 215.387.0700 A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

A BLANK WALL:

It was the beginning of fall semester this year, and I was sitting on a bench on the first floor of Huntsman Hall, the one right by the stairs that leads down to the forum. I was in between classes and feeling that anxiousness and dread that overcomes me whenever I’m in Huntsman. It’s an internal monologue full of doubts about lacking direction, where my own purposelessness nags at me until I get frustrated at myself. On this particular afternoon, as I wrestled with these feelings, I looked up at the nine–yard–long wall in front of me. It was painted white and was completely blank. "I feel so soulless," I thought to myself. Could this wall have something to do with it? By giving me nothing to look at, perhaps this blank, white wall was instructing me about how I was supposed to feel in Huntsman, and how I was supposed to interact in the space. I was supposed to talk about meetings and academics, and not about things that sparked joy in me. Even if my friends and I had never explicitly noticed this wall before, it could have been affecting us

this whole time, weaving subconsciously into our dampened conversations. I knew I had to do something about it. The thought of creating public art made me afraid, and this was fear that I had to overcome. I enlisted the help of a friend who was an art enthusiast, and together, we set about making something that would bring a bit of life and energy to the space. We hardly had any money for materials, so we bought a giant piece of paper and used some of my old paints and National Geographic magazines. I liked to think that the pictures showed the far–reaching impact that business has on every aspect of human and natural life on Earth, beyond the barriers of time and culture, or something pretentious like that. But the truth is that this was a total experiment, and my friend and I had no idea what we were doing. We left the finished piece up that Sunday night. But by 9 a.m. on Monday, they had taken it down. When I tried to get the piece back, I was marched into Lee Kramer’s office. Lee cited some rule that

2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

ARTS

A WINDOW INTO AN INSTITUTION

only workers in a certain union in Philadelphia are legally allowed to put up and take down things on walls. I pleaded with him, explaining that the students should have something nice to look at rather than feel directionless and vacant when they walk through Huntsman Hall. But at that point, to the institution, I was a pest to be gotten rid of, rather than a genuine student trying to communicate something that I felt was wrong. Now I sit on the same bench six months later, and it’s almost the end of the school year. After creating this public art project, I was inspired to study organizational design, so that I can help organizations create internal spaces that bring positive cultures and high levels of happiness and wellbeing to the people that walk through them. But I still feel lost and soulless each time I enter Huntsman, and I still have dampened conversations with my friends there. The wall is still completely blank. They never put anything up on it. Not a single thing this entire school year. No ounce of color. No trace of life.

One girl's failed attempt to bring art and life into Huntsman Hall.

Photos by Natasha Doherty

NATASHA DOHERTY

LOWBROW

To everyone: Here they are.

To the guy who booty texted me emojis: I'm an English major. Use your words.

“just to see how far it would get”: You are what is wrong with this school.

To the guy who mixes chicken into his protein shakes: Your biceps aren’t the only disappointing part To the super senior To the sock fetish in my French class guy on Grindr: Thank of your body. who wears you for funding my second semester via Snaptransition To every guy shades: Your chat cash. I've hooked up momentary blindTo Banana Leaf: I've with at Penn: ness upon entering class brings had more epiphanies in Stop fucking me joy every day. your bathroom than in my philosophy class. adding me on To guys with 30+ second To the girls in ADPi LinkedIn. SnapStories: who buy a table at Glad your social media every Owls brunch: To my roommate: Your kitten heels tell us Those phone calls I take presence lasts longer than you do in bed. whenever you walk in you don’t belong here. the room are as fake as To the boy yelling To Hangify: While your your Insta posts. "Who wants to buy orange logo is blinding, Molly?" out of a high I can still see that you're To the slowest just a Facebook Events salad maker ever at rise window: You're in Sweetgreen: Lettuce Wharton, come up with copycat. a better sales pitch. hurry this the fuck up, To Philo: Congrats on please. To the girl sitting in being over 200 years old, but your capes are To the junior in SDT front of me in Econ: who started a rumor Everyone can see your still weird as fuck.

shoutout submissions and they're almost just as bad as your midterm grade. To HipCityVeg: You and my ex boyfriend were only good for one thing: you're good with whips.

I’ve never seen someone try so hard to make other people like them since I reflected on my own life and personality.

To the touchscreens at Honeygrow: Thank you letting me order a salad when the social interaction of Sweetgreen To the Castle Arson- is too much. ist: Sorry for telling you I To my mom: didn't need you for sex, Sorry I'm better I didn't realat hand jobs than ize things would get so getting jobs. heated. To the betches kicking around a soccer ball on College Green in over the knee Stuart Weitzman boots: At least other people try to make their SABsing a little more subtle. To Hillary Clinton:

To the two guys that whipped their dicks out during the middle of carnival and started peeing: I wanted to see dicks this weekend, but not like this. Not like this. To the catcaller who "likes the freckle on

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 1

LOWBROW

my left titty": Your attention to detail is both To the SDT Junior finally dating a ZBT impressive and insultJunior: Thank god ing. you've decided to give in to the stereotype. To the roommate I hate: I didn't have an orgasm, I just wanted to To the girl shopping make you as uncomfort- for vibrators online able as possible. in class: You do you... literally. To the Mask and Wig boy who came To the Ginger in Phi into my room fresh- Delt: I can't decide if man year wearing you have the voice of boxers and Christangel or a prepubescent mas lights: You were boy? lit before it was cool.

To the homeless guy who asked me what I'm majoring in: Penn has rubbed off on you. To my comp lit professor: Baristas at Starbucks spell my name correctly more often than you do. To everyone on campus: Please don't judge my post fling faded flash tat look. My shame is strong enough. To Phi Delt: Your chapter house smells like asparagus, pee and semen. To Theos: We're the house that always calls the cops on you. To the Oz guy who called himself a wizard in bed: With the size of your staff, I would change your nickname.

cool that someone's paying you to bring the 25+ unopened packages sitting in our room back with you to Mother Russia. JW, what exactly are you smuggling? LMK. To the bouncer at Smokes: Does the blowjob I gave you last night not count as a second form of identification? To the people having sex under the button: You know that you've already taken your first exams right?

holic neighbor and that you think 12 Years a Slave is called "10-20 Years a Slave." To my Srat Sissies: you are everywhere to me QUOTH MICHELLE BRANCH lol get it cause there's 200 of us and we have only surface level relationships??? To ZBT + SDT: Thanks for having a relationship workshop at Hillel and writing this joke for me. L'chayim. To Allegro: 24–hour access doesn't make you more popular. Just ask Alpha Phi.

sleeping, get a better catchphrase than "OH GOD." To the Theta freshman who drunkenly wandered the bathroom at Recess shouting at everyone "what sorority are YOU in?": Do less. To the guy who asked if I was making up that my friend had alcohol poisoning just so I could politely leave without hooking up with you: I was.

To the guy I To the boy with a smashed last week: thing for my feet: It was really endearing It doesn't matter if it's when you shouted “I’m To the guy who still "never happened besends me spaces as fore," you obviously have dying, I’m dying, fuck a thing for feet. Embrace To the people in my off, please leave” in your a booty call: Happy two–year anniversary. I it. But please stop licksleep. classes who I ran wanna you so ing my feet. into during Fling: To my ultra–aggresbad. Just because I gave you To the thirsty MBA sive hook up: The six drunk hugs doesn't who introduced himmean I remember your radiator and fridge in my To Banker's Club: room are now broken. Your product tastes self as "being from name. The bed is split in two. like the alcohol–tinged too many places to name": Well, one place There is love juice on smegma that clings to To the THEOSyou're not going is into THEOSTHEOS Twit- the ceilings, floors, door the tip of Satan's unwashed cock. my pants. ter: Please come back. knobs and my loved You're the hero we need, ones. the prenot the hero we deserve. To the boy who texted To frosh overTo my GSWS To the girl who me “wya” at 3a.m. and heard celProfesebrating his kept leaving her then never answered: sor: I "first trip to $10,000 watch in wanted Fresh Grocer" the bathroom: Let's Thanks for prompting during QD: just say I wouldn't wear so badly for you to me to impulsively shave You're adorable. that anymore. ;) prove to Now get out. my entire body. To Crows: Do you play me that To the TEP your music that loud so gender sophomore that people think it's coming studies classes are real, but the most I've To my roommate: If looks like Matt Dafrom Castle? learned this semester is you're going to get eaten mon's ugly brother: out while you think I'm It's not your fault. To Roomie: It's really that you have an alco-

2 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

LOWBROW

To that couple that's always making out in Huntsman: Get a room. Just not a GSR, they're in high demand. To the graduate who drunkenly hit on me during fling: Asking you where the bathroom was wasn’t an invitation to follow; I was trying to spare your feelings not suck dick on a toilet.

studying business at YOU KNOW THE LAW can’t wait to turn the Temple is different than SCHOOL BATHROOMS last page. Wharton, right? HAVE NICE SHOWERS IN THEM? To Wishbone: Don't To the Tridelt in my tell my boyfriend, but HSOC recitation: We To everyone I've you're really the only all know you're a snap ever matched with bone I wish for. bid. on Tinder: You're the reason I wear sunglass- To the guy who es to class. booty called me with To the SigChi guy a bird To the girl who dry fact at To the guy who humped me to the 2a.m.: cheated off of me point of an orgasm: I Weird, but it worked. feel violated.

To the kid in the Hawaiian shirt humping To the girl who told that tree: I wish I flang me that I needed to as hard as you. treat her like a princess as she slapped To the ZTA girl who me in the face mulsucked off a Theos tiple times during pledge at It's A Shit sex: Respect is a two Hole: The fact that you way street. puked on his dick is a metaphor for your life. To the Wig senior who wore only his To everybody: DID thesis onstage: I

on the Econ 002 midterm: I'm sorry I let us down.

To the Owls boys who fuck hookers: The phrase in English is 'fuck bitches get money' not 'get money to fuck bitches.'

the trash: But you're literally the trashiest person I know. To my roommate who always sings "Trap Queen": You're from Connecticut. The only pies you're cooking are pecan. To the boy who peed in the Phi Psi shower during a rush event: Stay golden.

To Owls' thinly veiled drug addictions: Every day we who asked me to sit stray further from God’s on his face: Why was light. the next thing that came out of your mouth, "Can I To Ibiza: You may have make you dinner?" an app called FOMO, but I don't have FOMO for To the SDT girl datTo my roommate any of your parties. ing a Temple student: You're aware that who never takes out

Shoutouts by the numbers

Penn's acceptance rate

Top Greek Mentions

total submissions

SDT

Top Word Mentions

Phi Psi

ZBT

Closeted Street The DP

Girl

Oax Owls

Fuck

Boy

Pool Party

Theos 8

9% 1311

shoutouts' acceptance rate

Wharton

TEP

Mask and Wig

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 3

WORST LOWBROW

THE

OF SHOUTOUTS Does not understand concept of Shoutouts:

Shoutout to Malia for being the coolest, raddest, best big in the whole world ily To Danny Shulman - I have a question Penis

We are not a missed connections site: Emma: That NSO kiss made me swoon. I thought the DP love notes would change things, but obviously not. Pls let us rekindle our romance. To my APES almost thing: I wish we weren't over To my long distance boyfriend: Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

How do you still not get it?

Fifty Shades of Plagiarism: To the guy who makes girls "sign a contract" before sex: stick to getting your girls from Drexel.

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re worried about you:

What are you even talking about:

To cocaine and viagra: thanks for being the two best friends a guy could ask for.

To HarryPotter: Thanks for letting me bite you. I'm very sorry that my affection hurts so bad. Also, you're hot<3

To my roommate: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

To me: although u r just lil pupper and do the silly u is smart. At least u didn't pay $200 to go to fucking bamboo bar

to my mom: I'm an alcoholic. Congrats.

Leave us alone: To the 34th street staffer who submitted a story about herself...just why? To 34th Street Dining Guide: why are you reviewing restaurants if you don't eat? To 34st street: just because you say fuck a lot doesn't mean you can write (Ed. note: Fuck you.)

Humblebrags:

To my favorite android: beep boop bobble boop Lizard people unite! the dark forces arise in us!

Leaves us with more questions than answers: To the boy who asked me when the last time I got porked was: Picture it. Sicily. 1912 To my former NSO bestie who secretly put oil in all of my toiletries: your diary is more entertaining than Jerry Springer. Sidenote, I used your bath towel whenever we ran out of toilet paper.

To every guy that expresses disbelief at my major: Yes, I can study something complicated and look like this. Now fuck off.

To the freshman boy in theos that looks like a linguine: i'll have you al dente

To the senior in OAX who is actively trying to hook up with everyone I have: Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but how does it feel to be everybodyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s second choice?

To the Trump-supporting gay in College Republicans: you are as ridiculous as the pelican in your Grindr profile

To the FOUR Theos boys that all tried to hook up with me at the exact same time at Itza: Is that your definition of brotherhood?

To the Mask and Wig freshman who did mild hand stuff with a llama: ddid you ask her how Yzma was?

2 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

VICE & VIRTUE

CELEBRATING 32 YEARS OF

AVRIL 50

Spend five minutes in Avril 50 and you'll see why its owner, John Shahidi, describes it as an oasis. In this eclectic store on 34th and Sansom Streets—part coffee shop, part bookstore—opera music and cigars abound. Posters, wrapping paper and cards line the walls. There are tidy rows of any kind of tea you could possibly want. Walk around and you'll see the prettiest postcards, most delicious chocolates and most expansive collection of magazines. John is a sweet man with thick–framed glasses and a poetic way of speaking. He founded Avril 50 when he was working towards his masters in political science at Penn. Ever since, he has traveled widely, collecting souvenirs and bringing back the best to Avril 50. "Experience first," he says. "I look for things, different things. If I know something's right, I'll order it. Otherwise, I won't." Everything John does,

he does with intention—a philosophy that has characterized Avril 50's 32 years of existence. Avril 50's striking design is the product of this curious and independent individual. So is its signature brew of coffee, which John spent four years perfecting. He won't shy away from admitting, "Everybody loves it." As a coffee devotee, I can safely say those four years were worth it. Avril 50's coffee is the best on campus. The iced coffee comes with coffee cubes in it to maximize flavor and eliminate dilution. The chocolate–covered espresso beans are the ideal combination of sweetness, savoriness and crunchiness. The German chocolates are incredible, while the hot coffee would impress the toughest of critics. John has thought through every last detail. He perfects what he loves, and he loves Avril 50. Many Philadelphia stores are forgettable venues for

Penn may have changed, but the oldest store on Sansom hasn't. satisfying caffeine cravings, but Avril 50 provides a distinct experience. Catch a whiff of fresh coffee and salted caramels as you pick out postcards. Read The Iowa Review, Cosmopolitan or Playboy (depending on your literary preferences) as you sip that famous signature brew. Hear about generations of Quakers from the man who has experienced so much. "This was what was here at the beginning, from the beginning," John says, his tone the tone of a proud parent. "And [Avril 50]'s still like that, and it's still one of a kind. No campus has this except Penn. Even San Francisco doesn't have it. New York doesn't have it. Not this. This is an oasis. It takes Penn students out of everywhere. It puts them in a relaxing spot. They can come relax, calm down, then go out and face the world."

CAROLINE HARRIS

serving Philadelphia

for over

years!

City’s Most Popular Indian Buffet

Lunch Buffet $9.95 Dinner Buffet Welcome Welcome $12.95

CLASS OF OF CLASS For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 * Closed Mondays*

15% off Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp.

2016

For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 with this ad until 5/16/16 For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941

4004 Chestnut Street or Order Online @ newdelhiweb.com Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp.

FRANK AUGELLO For Fast Fast Delivery Delivery Call Call 215-386-1941 215-386-1941 For

HAPPY HOUR Monday-Friday 5-8 pm Dollar off select drafts $5 Heineken Tuesday $3 Lager/Miller Lite all day Thursday QUIZZO 10 pm - 12 am $3 Lager

Fabulous 4 Bedroom Apartment at

225 S. 42nd Street

2 bathrooms, laundry in building, backyard & a beautiful front porch! www.apartmentsatpenn.com

215.222.0222

At Penn, At Home.

A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 5

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

FILM FILM FILM

34 3434

ST STST

DISPATCH: TT T

VICE & VIRTUE

DOES

DO DO DOYOU YOU YOUPAY PAY PAYPER PER PERVIEW? VIEW? VIEW? PINEAPPLE

How How Penn Penn Penn Students Students Students Watch Watch Watch Movies Movies Movies MAKEHow TASTE

SEMEN BETTER?

Film Film Film polled polled polled you you you totofitond fifind nd out out out how how how you you you are are are getting getting getting your your your Sunday Sunday Sunday afternoon afternoon afternoon ANTHONY BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN KHAYKIN movie movie movie fixes. fi fixes. xes. Here’s Here’s what what what we we we learned. learned. learned. nificant difference in taste! The the morning, butBY byBY theANTHONY evening, KHAYKIN It’s an age oldHere’s question. After

Borrow Borrow Borrow from from from Library Library Library

24.6% 24.6% 24.6%

Don't Don't Don't Watch Watch Watch Movies Movies Movies

Theaters Theaters Theaters Day 14: I have an exam tofor the past week now. Free Free Free Streaming Streaming Streaming Day 27: Wow. Second day of past few days have been kinda but instead of studying, no noticeable change in taste. I weyou givinghough another to thethe hough hough weblowjob we all weall know allknow know the thewatch watch watch Hugo Hugo Hugo in in theaters. intheaters. theaters. And And And wewe you you guess guess guess then then then that that that Penn Penn Penn stustustu- morrow, 47.7% 47.7% 47.7% 16.9% 16.9% 16.9% three cupsPaid aka aOnline whole pineapwishy–washy asprefer to whether the since blowjobs are myIvy vice, guy I Internet was seeingis(but dating) Paid Paid Online Online Services Services Services Internet Internet isfor isnot forfor porn porn pornfitguess fithis tfithis t this mold mold mold of of overworked ofoverworked overworked Ivy Ivydents dents dents would would would prefer prefer to to get toget their get their their I’m eating pineapple and giving/ pineapple a online difference orfree patience really is awell, virtue. and having it end in anQ), unpalat(thanks (thanks (thanks Avenue Avenue Avenue Q), Q), thethe theLeague League League students students students well, well, with with with only only onlyRomCom RomCom RomCom fimade xfionline xfixonline with with with free free receiving blowjobs. Needless to ple, and holy fuck, my stomach hurts. Patrick and I are both so ifstreaming itstreaming was just the placebo effect. Day 3: so get used to streaming able loadis of mythe mouth, bedroom bedroom bedroom no isisjizz no longer noin longer longer the the only only onlyabout about about 17% 17% 17% ofI could of Penn ofPenn Penn undergrads undergrads undergrads websites websites websites likelike like SideReel SideReel SideReel say, my parents’ tuition dollars 9.2% 9.2% 9.2% no- well acquainted with each other’s Iand used the pineapple emoji in this blowjobs–every–day kinda I found myself thinking of this area area area being being being ceded ceded ceded to to digital todigital digital territerriterri-watching watching watching movies movies movies at the atatthe Rave theRave Rave ev-evev-and and Ch131 Ch131 Ch131 rather rather rather than than than paypay pay foraforfor are HARD at work. Finally Still not much of a taste services text toprovided Patrick today because question aevery lot. And I with wasn’t the erything. tory. tory. tory. ForFor For every every girl girl with girlwith daddy’s daddy’s daddy’s ery semester. erysemester. semester. services services provided provided byby Netfl by Netfl Netfl ix and ixixit’s and and ticed a change in taste, though! penises by now that we are very Sweeter and less salty. efficient in our data collection. platonic and relevant. though. only one. “Why does yourson taste AmEx, AmEx, AmEx, window window window browsing browsing browsing onon change ButBut But how how how about about about thethe other theother other ste-steste-Redbox? Redbox? Redbox? 1.5% 1.5% 1.5% Day 29: While looking at Day 11: I’m literally waiting Daythe 4:the This day will goall down soFifth much better than mine?” Fifth Fifth Avenue Avenue Avenue hashas been hasbeen been replaced replaced replacedreotype, reotype, reotype, one the one one that that that says says says all colallcolcol- While While While 75% 75% 75% of of us ofus watch uswatch watch movmovmov- Day 16: First day of two our nearly–complete spreadline at the grocery store with Patrick (not his real name)And had in history asare the first time Ifree got with with with online online online shopping. shopping. shopping. And Andlege lege lege students students students are poor? are poor? poor? The The The free freeiesinies online, ies online, online, nearly nearly nearly 50% 50% 50% paypay pay forforfor cups. That’s a lot. I made the FYEs FYEs FYEs everywhere everywhere have have virtuvirtuvirtumovement of of information of information information madeit.ten it.Iit.hear I Ihear hear Horrible Horrible Horrible Bosses Bosses Bosses — —a—a a rookie mistake of eating all inthe sheet, I tell Patrick it’s time for pineapples in my cart trying amovement text saying, “Yo, I needmade tomade suck asked. Ieverywhere mentioned Ihave eat a lot of movement Why Why Why dododo you you you gogogo toittothe tothe movies? movies? movies? allyally ally been been been rendered rendered rendered useless (pun (pun (punpossible possible possible byby the by interweb theinterweb interweb makes makes makesnew new release release release onon iTunes oniTunes iTunes —— is— hysisishyssitting, and now my tongue me to go to bed, and he says tonew look as normal as possible. Ihys- one3.1% your dick.” Ithe answered, “Haha pineapple, and souseless weuseless formulated 3.1% 3.1% 6.3% 6.3% 6.3% intended) intended) intended) with with with the the the existence existence existence of of of terical, terical, terical, but but is but is is Other Other Other and hops into my “Me too!” feels tingly/numb. According same.” I considered adding an feel like a math word problem. an experiment to test if that Whose Whose Whose recommendations recommendations recommendations do do you doIyou take? youtake? thethe multifarious themultifarious multifarious iTunes iTunes iTunes store. store. it it worth itworth worth thethe the to Google, this is due to a plant bed. never stayed over “Iftake? I buy ten pineapples and emoji, but we’re not dating, so had anything to do with it.store. As It'sIt's aHe’s It's way a way ato way hang to to hang hang outout with out with friends with friends friends 25% 25% 25% 50 50 50 Things Things Things areare no areno different nodifferent different here here didn’t. 1.5the 1.5 1.5 salads salads salads at atat protease 47.7% 47.7% 47.7% before because we’re not dating. giveOther half of them to guy I’m enzyme called bromea perfectionist engineer, I here didn’t Other Other It'sIt's a It's good a good a good study study study break break break 40.6% 40.6% 40.6% at at Penn, atPenn, Penn, where where where thethe Rave Rave Rave gets gets Sweetgreen Sweetgreen Sweetgreen lain that’s found in pineapple. Why am I so excited? Why is my blowing on the reg, how many Day 6: 40% We40% upped fuck around when itthe came togets 40% our 40 40 40 A Friend A Friend A Friend It makes It makes It makes youyou feel you feel relaxed feel relaxed relaxed andand happy and happy nearly nearly nearly half half half theathe the traffi traffi traffi c scientific, for c cforfor thethe the pineapple intake to one cup. would would Day 17: Starting to get real heart beating so fast? Why ishappy he do I have left?” it it it would making this highly Cinema Cinema Cinema Studies Studies Studies 25% 25% 25% midnight midnight midnight screenings screenings screenings of of blockof blockblockhave have have cost cost cost if if if Required Required Required for for Class for Class Class 30 30 30 sick and tired of pineapple. holding my hand? Are we still plan is to increase by ½ Day 13: Patrick suggested month–long endeavor. I’m talk- Our Major Major Major 26.2% 26.2% 26.2% 25% 25% 25% 25% 25% 25% buster buster buster hitshits hits likelike like Twilight Twilight Twilight as Hulu asasHulu Hulu cup every five days. This means adding had I Ihad had seen seen seen it it it I mean, I already proved my Professor Professor Professor or TAor or TA TA Ijuice not dating? Is he asking himself pineapple to our ing spreadsheets, measurements, 20 20 20 does does does the the the day day day after after after the the the newest newest newest in in in theaters? theaters? theaters? Street Street Street hypothesis that pineapple does any of these questions? and I eventually three cups/day by the end of the regimen, data collection, the whole nine episode episode episode of of 30 of30Rock 30inches Rock Rock airs. airs. This This This month. Ramen Ramen Ramen noonoo- positively affect semen flavor, 10 10 10 Day 30: The last day of the obliged after explaining tonoothis yards (or seven inairs. our *Students *Students *Students surveyed surveyed surveyed were were were allowed allowed allowed to choose to choose to more choose more moredles makes makes makes sense. sense. sense. We We We Penn Penn Penn students students students dles dles aren’t aren’t aren’t es es seven es seven seven movies, movies, movies, more more more or or less, or less, less, experiment. Safe to say that but like I’ll keep going for the non–engineer the concept of Day 8: Seriously considercase). Here’s how it—and we— thanthan onethan option. oneone option. option. 0 0 0 areare are tootoo too busy busy busy procrastinating procrastinating procrastinating ing that that that bad, bad, bad, I I Ievery every every semester. semester. semester. Simple Simple Simple arithmearithmearithme-pineapple does indeed make jizz BJs. He applying for a NIH or NSF experimental variability. went down: onon Penn onPenn Penn InTouch InTouch InTouch and and and designdesigndesign- grant for this experiment because laughed and kissedguess. guess. guess. proves tic proves proves that that that it’sit’s $40 it’s$40 $40 cheaper cheaper cheapertaste better after about a week Day 20: Taste has been pretty me. Oh gosh, tictic inging ing funny funny funny lacrosse lacrosse lacrosse pinnies pinnies pinnies for for for entertainment entertainment entertainment accessible accessible accessible and and and The The The average average average Penn Penn Penn student student student to to watch to watch watch said said said movies movies movies on on Netfl on Netfl Netfl ix ixixor so of consistent consumpconsistent for the past few days why did he do that? We’re not this is expensive! I’m sure my Day 1: First day of Operathethe the clubs clubs clubs we’re we’re we’re involved involved involved in in to in to to inexpensive inexpensive inexpensive to to anyone to anyone anyone with with with an an an (who (who (who is anything is is anything anything but but but average, average, average, if if if than than than at at the at the the Rave, Rave, Rave, and and and an an addian addiaddi-tion. While texting Patrick that tion Pineapple Jizz! We each ate grant proposal would be unique. dating. Just blowing on the reg, now. Could there be a threshold leave leave leave the the comfort the comfort comfort of of our of our our beds beds beds to to to AirPennNet AirPennNet AirPennNet account. account. account. Wouldn’t Wouldn’t Wouldn’t you you you ask ask Amy ask Amy Amy Gutmann) Gutmann) Gutmann) watchwatchwatchtional tional tional $20 $20 $20 less less less on on iTunes on iTunes iTunes (cost (cost over which eating more pine- (costevening, he says, “That was Day 9: Finally noticing a sig- right? ½ cup of pineapple chunks in of of popcorn ofpopcorn popcorn and and and Mike Mike Mike and and and Ikes Ikes Ikes apple has no effect on my jizz? fun haha but I need a break.” notnot not included included included in inthese inthese these calculacalculacalculaDay 25: Both of us have A break from what? Pineapple? tions). tions). tions). The The The lowlow low cost cost cost of of watchofwatchwatchbeen consistently ejaculating jizz Blowjobs? (As if!) Me? So like all inging seven ingseven seven movies movies movies onon iTunes oniTunes iTunes forforfor >>>> >> Total Total Total amount amount amount of ofofthis that not only tastes better but good scientific experiments, lessless less than than than 3030 bucks 30bucks bucks is worth isisworth worth thethe the money money money spent spent in in movie in movie movie straight up tastes like pineapple one left mespent with more questions many many many conveniences conveniences conveniences that that that online online online theaters* theaters* theaters* Penn byPenn Penn than answers. byby paid paid paid services services services afford afford afford us:us: not us:not not be-bebestudents students students each each each semester semester semester inging ing interrupted interrupted interrupted bybyby incessant incessant incessant buffering buffering buffering and and and commercials, commercials, commercials, thethe the immunity immunity immunity to to computer tocomputer computer viruses viruses viruses and and and most most most importantly, importantly, importantly, notnot not havhavhavinging ing to towait towait wait 545454 minutes minutes minutes after after after >> Total Total Total amount amount amount of ofof watching watching watching 7272 minutes 72minutes minutes of of a of movie a amovie movie >>>> money money money spent spent spent watching watching watching onon Megavideo. onMegavideo. Megavideo. online, online, if all if ifall people allpeople people who who who Not Not Not to to mention, tomention, mention, it’sit’s ait’ssmall a asmall small online, paid paid forfor online foronline online services services services price price price to to pay topay pay when when when you you you look look look at atat paid Dine-In, Dine-In, Dine-In, Catering Catering Catering &&Delivery &Delivery Delivery used used iTunes* iTunes* iTunes* thethe big thebig picture bigpicture picture —— the —the combined thecombined combined used savings savings savings of of the ofthe the 47.7% 47.7% 47.7% of of Penn ofPenn Penn Happy Happy Happy Hour: Hour: Hour: Mon-Fri Mon-Fri Mon-Fri 5-7 5-7 5-7 students students students who who who paypay for payfor their fortheir their online online online services services services rather rather rather than than than going going going to to the tothe the Lunch Lunch Lunch Special: Special: Special: Mon-Fri Mon-Fri Mon-Fri $8.95 $8.95 $8.95 movie movie movie theater theater theater is somewhere isissomewhere somewhere be-bebetween tween tween $196,136 $196,136 $196,136 and and and $295,344, $295,344, $295,344, >>>> >> Total Total Total amount amount amount of ofof Early Early Early Bird: Bird: Bird: Sun-Thur Sun-Thur Sun-Thur $10.95 $10.95 $10.95 depending depending depending onon whether onwhether whether they they they useuse use money money money spent spent spent watching watching watching Netfl Netfl Netfl ix ix orixor iTunes, oriTunes, iTunes, respectively. respectively. respectively. online, online, online, if all if ifall people allpeople people who who who Moral Moral Moral of of the ofthe story thestory story is: is: we is:we won't wewon't won't paid paid paid forfor online foronline online services services services judge judge judge if you if ifyou you justjust just stay stay stay in in bed. inbed. bed. used used used Netflix* Netflix* Netflix*

BY BY BYTHE THE THE NUMBERS NUMBERS NUMBERS

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

$153,701 $153,701 $153,701

$196,136 $196,136 $196,136

$295,344 $295,344 $295,344

• 215.387.8533 • •215.387.8533 PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com 215.387.8533 • University • •University 4006 4006 4006 Chestnut Chestnut Chestnut Street Street Street University City City City

8 88 2 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

*A*A*A simple simple simple random random random sample sample sample of of 100 of100 100 Penn Penn Penn undergrads undergrads undergrads were were were surveyed surveyed surveyed to to collect tocollect collect data data data about about about their their their film film fiviewing lmviewing viewing habits. habits. habits.

*$12.50/ticket *$12.50/ticket *$12.50/ticket at the atatthe Rave theRave Rave *$3.99 *$3.99 *$3.99 to rent totorent arent movie a amovie movie on on iTunes oniTunes iTunes *$7.99/month *$7.99/month *$7.99/month on on Netflix onNetflix Netflix

FOOD BOY

VICE & VIRTUE

SHRIMP TACOS WITH PINEAPPLE SALSA Every day is Taco Tuesday!

Endings tend to suck, especially when good things come to an end. I always try to view life through rosé–colored glasses, though, so I usually find the silver lining in moving on from positive phases or aspects of my life. However, with my time as Food Boy here at Street coming to a close, I’ve yet to find that silver lining. It’s been such a fun and fulfilling experience coming up with and trying out new recipes every week and befriending the wonderful people on staff. So for my last recipe, I decided on some easy and dope tacos for a few reasons. First, these tacos are light, tangy and great for the summer months ahead of us. Second, they’re perfect to share with friends and as Street staff already knows, I get as much enjoyment over sharing the food I make with others as I do making it. Finally, as the name suggests, this recipe calls for pineapple, a symbol of welcome and hospitality in many cultures. (Pineapple also has some certain other added benefits, as you’ll learn elsewhere in this issue). So instead of saying goodbye with this recipe, I’m welcoming the future. With these tacos, my future is looking pretty sweet and spicy!

INGREDIENTS: • • • • • • • • •

(serves 2; $4.24/serving)

¾ lb of shrimp, peeled and deveined ($6.49/lb at FroGro) 1 cup of pineapple, chopped ($1.99/lb at FroGro) 1 15–oz can of black beans ($0.88/can at FroGro) 1 medium tomato, chopped ($1.49/lb at FroGro) ½ of a red onion, chopped ($1.49/lb at FroGro) 1 jalapeno, chopped ($0.10 each at FroGro) 1 lime ($0.66 each at FroGro) Mini corn or flour tortillas ($1.79/pack at FroGro) Salt and pepper

PROCEDURE: 1. Finely chop the pineapple, tomato, onion and jalapeno. Remove the seeds and ribs (the white parts inside) to turn down the spiciness. Drain and rinse the black beans. 2. In a bowl, mix all the salsa ingredients together with the juice of half the lime. Add some salt and pepper to taste, and set aside. 3. Heat a pan over medium heat with a bit of olive oil. 4. Pinch off the shrimp tails and season the shrimp with salt and pepper. Cook for around 5 minutes until pink. 5. Wipe out the pan, turn the heat down to low, and heat up the tortillas in the pan for around 30 seconds per side. 6. Assemble the tacos by adding the shrimp and the salsa on top. Serve immediately with lime wedges on the side.

TIPS AND TRICKS:

To save some time, use pre–cooked shrimp. Throw them in the pan for a minute or two just to heat them through. I personally have an extremely low tolerance for spicy food, but for a spicier salsa, leave the seeds and ribs of the jalapeno in. Also, if you actually like cilantro, chop some up and toss it into the salsa. Based on how stuffed you make your tacos, you will probably have salsa left over. Keep it in the fridge covered with plastic wrap or up to a week and enjoy with some chips. Finally, scale this recipe up and invite your homies over for a cheaper Taco Tuesday. There is no better way to bond with friends than while eating tacos together!

Thanks for voting us Best Happy Hour on Campus Join us for Happy Hour Monday-Thursday 5pm - 7pm and Friday 4pm - 7pm $3 & $4 draft beers, $3 well cocktails $6 nachos, $6 chicken and veggie quesadillas Winner

4000 Spruce Street • (215) 382-1330 A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 7

VICE & VIRTUE

ORDER ONLINE

EAT IN, TAKE OUT, & FAST DELIVERY

Use coupon code PENN10 to receive 10% off your first online order!

HAND-TOSSED,STONE FIRED PIZZAS ARE JUST THE BEGINNING.

125 S 40th Street

Winner 2 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

(at Walnut, across from Fresh Grocer)

(267) 292-2255 SUN-THURS 11AM - 10PM FRI & SAT 11AM - 1AM

TECH

DO YOU EVEN VAPE, BRO?

Come vape with me.

ZOE ALBANO–ORITT

Happy 4/21, guys, gals and friends of all shapes and sizes. It's only the second most depressing day of the year—after December 26. Though yesterday is long, long gone, we here at Street still wanted to be festive and provide you with a guide to the high–tech newish way to smoke weed: VAPES. Though people who vape are extremely easy/fun to make fun of, it's a growing way of life, and we must learn to accept it. Soon, every man, woman and child will have a vape (okay well hopefully not children but it sounded good ya know?); this is what I hope to accomplish with this article. I found and reviewed two of the more common styles of portable vapes, and this is what I learned. It should be noted that these vapes only work with dry materials, and NOT wax, oil or concentrates.

MAGIC FLIGHT LAUNCH BOX BEFORE VAPING:

to it, and the basic, standard model runs you $119. All in The MFLB is a very small wooden box that works inter- all, very cute and portable, and estingly, and unlike almost any you can have one forever with other vape on the market. The that sweeeeet lifetime warranty. box part is only the oven, and in order to actually vape, you AFTER VAPING: have to insert either a metal, The first thing I noticed rechargeable MFLB battery about the MFLB that I liked or a standard AA battery. The was the taste; it tasted like battery life isn't great, but the burnt popcorn, and the vapor batteries are easy to recharge that I breathed out smelled the and come with caps for when same too, leaving no smell of they're not in use. It comes weed. It was also smoother on with a lifetime warranty, in my throat than regular smokcase anything at all happens

ing, which I appreciated. I first started noticing the effects after a few hits. The high was a little bit different than a regular high; I mostly felt it in my head as opposed to my whole body. In fact, it just made me kind of sleepy. It was similar enough to produce the same fun effects of getting high, but just different enough for me to notice the differences. I would recommend it for anyone who's trying to get high on the sly or anyone who needs a lil help sleeping at night.

G PEN ELITE the power button again to let it know to start to heat up, and you're ready to hit it (only metaphorically. You still need to let (It should be noted that this is not a G Pen the pen heat Elite. It's just a G Pen that looks kinda cool.) up, silly!). In order to change BEFORE VAPING: out the ~material~ inside, you The G Pen Elite is much pop open the mouth piece by sleeker than the MFLB. It's pulling it to one side, then you black plastic and about four can use a small brush to clean inches long. There are no extra out all the vaped up shit inside parts; you turn it on by press- before reloading. The G Pen ing the power button on the Elite can hit any temperature side. Then you adjust the tem- from 200 to 428˚ F. The G Pen perature with either of the two Elite, however, will cost just a buttons on the side, hold down tad more than the MFLB at a

slightly hefty $169.95. Now on to the vaping!

AFTER VAPING:

The G Pen Elite seemed harder to pull than the MFLB. Then again, I might just be a fucking pussy. The effects seemed to be pretty much the same as the MFLB, which was kind of disappointing for this review TBH. If anything, it seemed to not work as well for me as the MFLB. So there you have it, folks. All vapes are pretty much the same and if you pay anything more than you have to, you're kind of just throwing away your money.

FUN FACT: IF YOU CUT UP YOUR LECTURE NOTES AND PUT THEM IN YOUR VAPE AND VAPE THEM YOU HAVE A 90% CHANCE OF SCORING AT LEAST 300% BETTER ON YOUR FINAL. (IDK WE'RE HIGH.) A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

TECH

INTO:

Low prices Quick service Always reliable!

Stop by today! RIGHT NEXT TO CAMPUS: 3944 Chestnut St www.thecomputerfixer.com | 215-387-5900 1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

THE STORY Into is an app that allows you to share the top five things you’re digging at the moment. The app was created by Dylan Petro, a class of 2015 grad, who is currently a grad student studying Computer Science, and Adrian Diaz, a 2011 Wharton MBA currently getting his masters in CIS. Dylan and Adrien met last year, as they were in the same program. Jeffery Silver (C'16), who knew Dylan through his fraternity and wanted to expand the app to Android, joined the team in April 2015. "Something as simple as the best french toast you’ve ever had…that’s what Into is all about. It's about that moment where you discover something that you’re excited about, and being able to share that moment on an app that is dedicated to that purpose. And the cool thing is, through this sharing of knowledge,” explained Diaz. The app soft launched about six months ago. The guys created the app as a sort of uncluttered feed to see what their friends were into. They created it as something they personally wanted and jokingly remarked that if the app doesn’t pick up, at least they’ll know what each other is doing for the rest of their lives. WHY SHOULD YOU DOWNLOAD INTO? Yeah, we have a bunch of other useless apps that we’ve downloaded once and never looked at again (looking at you, Yo). However, if you want to support some Penn kids who created something that has potential to become super useful, Into is the app for you. The app is still being developed and constantly evolving and changing as the

FOR CURATING YOUR OBSESSIONS

founders get user feedback. For example, they are currently working on a discover function, to recommend new “Intos.” Into is less persistent than the constant feed you get from Facebook, and has more staying power than a simple tweet that you would send on Twitter, which would disappear in your feed. Each Into is pretty meaningful—we were reminded of Myspace’s top eight type selectivity. WHO YOU’RE INTO If you’re like Street, you’re finding the coolest artists, the newest brunch spots or the best speakeasies in Philly. Into gives you an outlet to express this, without being obnoxious as hell on Facebook—which btw, is so last year. The creators also made an effort to put a “link" button all over the app so you can stop pretending to know who the hell that indie band your friend has been talking about. By adding the button, the guess–work is taken out of the picture; clicking the link will take you straight to the website of whatever your friends are into. There is a function to also bookmark or recommend Intos. THE DL Into takes the clutter and noise surrounded by popular social media, such as Facebook and Twitter. Don’t worry about scrolling through the sixth cat video of the day on your feed from your crazy aunt—Into removed all the bullshit, to give you what you want to see. The creators stress the need to follow different people, but once you have your base of followers, you'll basically get a curated feed of what your friends are into.

As a sharer, you’re participating in an exchange of knowledge, whether it's with a stranger or your best friend. Famous last words: you only get five choices. Choose wisely, my friends.

HANNAH NOYES

VENGO: There’s no getting around the fact that nearly everyone is lazy nowadays. People have automatic car trunks because apparently even closing your own trunk is too fucking difficult. Whether we like it or not, we live in a day in age where convenience trumps all. As a result, everyone looks for the easiest way to buy what he or she needs. Whether it’s using Instacart to deliver alcohol to your door (Ed. Note: RIP the days of Instacart alc, though) or getting pledges to deliver you food, it's clear that the less time and moving something requires, the better it becomes. Nobody wants to wait a long time or walk unnecessarily far just to pick up something as simple and generic as laundry detergent. Luckily for us, Penn has just

TECH

SOME FANCY ASS VENDING MACHINES

teamed up with Vengo and has vending machines. The commade all of our lives just a little pany takes your standard, ugly easier. and bulky vending machines and make them much smaller, What is Vengo and how sleeker and sexier. With only a does it work? 21.5–inch screen display, the Vengo vending machines can Vengo is a startup that be mounted onto walls nearly made it onto the big stage by anywhere. In fact, Penn has becoming successful on the famous ABC TV series Shark Tank. While the name makes it sound like it might be a funky new Mexican restaurant to replace our meager options on campus, Vengo actually just makes

The new vending machines in Commons and McClelland are cool...but, like, still just vending machines. installed a machine underneath Commons and another in the basement of McClelland in the Quad. Vengo claims that what makes their machines so great are how versatile and speedy they are to use. Vengo’s website shows that the average interaction with the machine is only 33 seconds long. And each machine is like a tiny convenience store. When I went to try out the machine in McClelland, the options were iPhone chargers, Android chargers, portable chargers, laundry detergent, headphones, condoms and bags of chips. One of the coolest things about the machines

is that they are all equipped with sensors that detect if you do not receive your item or if your item gets stuck. If this happens, you are instantly and automatically refunded. This finally gets rid of the most classic vending machine experience when your fucking bag of chips gets stuck in those metal rings. As convenient and innovative as this machine is, the only caveat is that the machines do not accept cash. But like, this is the 21st century, no one uses cash anymore anyway.

AARON KIM

BRAND NEW Furnished Student Apartments!

Celebrate your

GRADUATION WITH US! Brunch 11am-5pm Dinner 5pm-10pm

Call 215.222.1657 to make a reservation Specials from our Chef

Private Dining Options

Margaritas & Sangria

A Toast to your Graduate

Enjoy a furnished apartment featuring granite kitchens with all appliances, custom private bathrooms, hardwood floors, Flat Screen TVs in family rooms, alarm systems, front door monitors, fire sprinkler systems, a Fitness Center & Study Room! Free shuttle service to and from campus!

45th & Walnut

Free Wi-Fi to all tenants Our newest building ready Summer 2016. 3BR, 3BTH furnished apartments. Fitness center & free personal trainer on site, study room, free laundry & shuttle service.

Starting at $1,800

For assistance with large groups and private reservations, reach out to pa.events@garcesgroup.com

3945 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, PA 19104 (215) 222-1657 • philadelphia.distritorestaurant.com DistritoPHL

Limited Availability. Call today! 855-205-0500 | universityrealtyapartments.com A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

YOU

TECH

LIVE

HERE

L I M I T E D

AR IN A R

AVA I L A B L E

Ground Floor Restaurants and Retail including Chipotle, CVS, and many more

FOR OFF CAMPUS HOUSING ND

R N A

BEST OF PENN WINNER 2

PUS HOUSING

S T I L L

Adjacent to University of Pennsylvania

2016

T OF WINNER

S P A C E S

Fully Furnished including Washer/Dryer, Cable, and High-speed Internet 4 0 7. 7 3 0 . 9 4 0 0

P R E M I E R

S T U D E N T

A P A R T M E N T S

R ADIANAPARTMENTS.COM 1 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 1 , 2 016

F O R

FA L L