April 19, 2012 by 34th Street Magazine

April 19, 2012 34st.com

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

april 19

2012

3 HIGHBROW highbrow exclusive, the round–up, superlatives, overheards

former street EIC ego of the week, your year in review

8 FOOD & DRINK beiler bakery review, guide to lancaster, just add this, whoopie pies

11 MUSIC

best of music (so far), neon trees review, defib, chairlift interview

BEST OF PENN

17 FILM

best of philly summer film, think like a man review, van pick of the week

20 ARTS

best of philly summer arts, artist profile, graduation caps

23 SHOUTOUTS and shoutouts by the numbers!

28 BACKPAGE 34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

SHOUTOUTS

5 EGO

13 FEATURE

FROMtheEDITOR

H.A.G.S.

hey day!

BEST OF PENN

that guy ...

I just want to let you know that the issue that’s in your hands right now is a big fucking deal. We’ve got Shoutouts. We’ve got Best of Penn. We’ve got the guy who jumped on stage and raged with FUCKING TIESTO. (That’s not a joke. This is the real fucking deal. We know some people who know some people.) Not to get all sentimental and shit, but in the words of the best Shoutout ever: what a fucking year. I went abroad — I spent a semester 3000 miles away from my parents. I came back, took this job, had more responsibilities than ever before and acted pretty irresponsibly at times. And though I regret missing that plane, and doing terribly on that CLST midterm, I’ve never been

happier in my life. Shoutouts aren’t always so nice. They hurt egos, reputations and feelings. So here’s a Shoutout to my friends. A Shoutout to Street staff, past and present. Shoutout to Countess Dowager Spooky Bussard. I love you all more than I can say. Penn: enjoy this gigantic issue as much as we enjoyed putting it together. And revel in the fact that you go to school with someone like Brandon Bibbs. Have a great fucking summer, everyone. See you next year.

WE THINK YOU'RE GREAT. COME DRINK WITH US. Ben Bernstein Julia Liebergall Michael Scognamiglio Abigail Koffler Mariam Mahbob Olivia Rutigliano Brian Horwich Justin Moore Dan Blas Sam Apfel Kevin Hudson Ben Parry Dorian Mendoza Jake Spinowitz Lin Zheng Isabel Oliveres Chris Quinn Jack Nessman Naemah Philippeaux

Kim Pinsker Sam Gorski Ben Filreis Stella Ying Christian Graham Timothy Corrigan Daldal Fevzi Julie Kozeracki Jerusalem Girmay Meagan Cadet Christina Gunzenhauser Christina Prudencio Alex Marcus Anthony DeCurtis Steph Witt Grace Wang Isaac Kaplan Ben Notkin Jim Santel

Gwendolyn Lewis Amanda Shulman Isabel Freidman Brandon B–I–B–B–S Shelby Rachleff Kendall Haupt Mady Glickman Jess Goodman Nick Stergiopolous Josh Goldman Steph Rice Will Baskin–Gerwitz Lilah Heidenberg Louise Miller David Galperin The 125 The 126 The 127 The 128

CRUSH PARTY • SMOKE'S • 6:30 P.M. • BE THERE 34TH STREET MAGAZINE Elizabeth Horkley, Best. Ever. Joe Pinsker, Best T–Shirts Adrian Franco, Best Dad Hilary Miller, Best Mom Chloe Bower, Best Underground MC Sarah Tse, Best Daria Laura Francis, Funkiest Zeke Sexauer, Best Indian (Male) Paige Rubin, Best Middle School Dance Zacchiaus Mckee, Best Name Faryn Pearl, Best Improviser Patrick Ford–Matz, Best Wannabe J. Crew Model Tucker Johns, Best Grandpa

Nina Wolpow, Best Communista Colette Bloom, Best Bloom Leah Steinberg, Best Subconscious Sam Brodey, Best Hair (Skrillex) Frida Garza, Best Rapper Daniel Felsenthal, Best Hair (Mane) Alex Hosenball, Best "Contributor" Ellie Levitt, Best Artiste Megan Ruben, Best Muse Anthony Khaykin, Best Russian (Male) Sandra Rubinchik, Best Russian (Female) Alexa Nicolas, Best Scot Lauren Reed–Guy, Best Neighbor Ben Lerner, Best Specs Patrick Del Valle, Best Human Bottle Opener

34st.com Online Associate Editors Inna Kofman, Best Dancer Ali Jaffe, Best Shabby Chic Elena Gooray, Best Indian (Female) Katie Giarla, Best Smile Cover Photo: DP Archives Contributors: Olivia Rutigliano, Lin Zheng, Jack Nessman, Robin Bower, Isabel Oliveres, Kim Pinsker, Valerie Remix, Alex Hosenball, Felsenball, Michael Scognamiglio, Jake Spinowitz, Sam Apfel, Amanda Shulman, The Entire Student Body of the University of Pennsylvania

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Elizabeth Horkley, Editor––in–Chief, at horkley@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898–6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898–6581. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "Do you like Spi–RITUALIZED?" "Do you mean SPI–ritualized?" "Did you just say the same thing I did?" ©2012 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a–okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW EXCLUSIVE: I DANCED ONSTAGE WITH TIËSTO

here are certain things that we just don't do. In each moment in our lives there are a million things that we could do, but we never even consider doing the vast majority of them. This is because our subconscious filters out the actions that it deems "unacceptable." What is inhibiting our subconscious mind from offering our conscious selves all the different possibilities are social norms, self consciousness and internalized rules. This Spring Fling I decided to let my mind run with all the possibilities, imagining all creative paths before me. The path that I found most exciting led me right onto Tiesto's stage. For Spring Fling my name is Brandon Bibbs. Brandon Bibbs is not afraid to think outside the box. Thinking outside the boxed–in General Admissions section I found myself slipping down to the Floor section. Then I was at the rail. The security guard met my eyes and I knew he knew that

I was thinking about it. He turned for one second and I was backstage. Walking as nonchalantly as my beating heart would allow, I sauntered up to the three big men guarding the stairs and tried to get past. They put an arm out, I brushed it off and gave them the "I'm–supposed–to–be–here" look. It worked. Funny where a confident attitude can get you. During my 15 seconds of break–dancing onstage I was in a state of pure joy. I loved it. Everyone loved it…with the exception of the law of course. I was smiling, the crowd was cheering and Tiesto was laughing! Our spirits delighted in the harmless, youthful exuberance of the act. I smiled and felt a liberated, hopeful joy that I hadn't felt since my days of protesting in the streets last semester. But then the smiles were smacked off our faces and our gaping mouths took their place. Law enforcement does not exist to guard the joyful expression of our humanity; it exists to guard

THEROUNDUP

over heard PENN at

TEP guy: We’ve got to keep all the doors locked. Otherwise we’re gonna get squatters. Tridelt: I’ve always wanted to be in an overheard. I feel like I’m a prime candidate. Girl 1: Is that jizz on your sweatpants? Girl 2: It might be … Fine! It’s ice cream!

Read the full account of Brandon Bibbs's epic Fling story at 34st.com

Brandon Bibbs's Fling was probably better than yours.

Woman: Do you know where International House is? Student: You mean IHOP? Girl: And then I told him “No glove no love.” Guy: I love that! I’m gonna tweet that shit. Guy on Locust: Cancer pisses me off.

34st.com

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

Do these overheards make our ass look big? Just be honest. Highbrow ate way too many fried Oreos at Fling and now we don’t even fit into our page anymore. Now we’re never going to find a formal date… But we’re not the only ones who went hard this past weekend. Sources tell us one SAE brother got arrested not once, but twice over the course of Fling. “How??” you might be asking, half–horrified/half–impressed. Apparently, one of the times was for throwing a beer bottle over the fence and it hitting a poor old lady in the head. Although, really, it was probably her fault. Doesn't she know not to stand near SAE guys when they're Flinging? Everyone was Flinging in full force, including some girls at the Pi Kapp BBQ. Highbrow hears that when Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" came on, two girls couldn't help but dance … on the roof of a car. Must have been some aggressive dancing, as the girls ended up caving in the roof of the car, smashing one of the windows in the process. When will they learn? It's all fun and games until someone totals a parked car with nothing but their feet. Oh well. One Skulls guy volunteering for FlingSafe angered somebody you definitely don't want to fuck with: the Fisher–Hassenfeld House Dean. Upon seeing another Skulls guy in a Skulls tank, the boy jokingly shouted out, "Nice tank, ya homo" within hearing range of the administrator. She then proceeded to kick him off of FlingSafe, made him pay for his otherwise free ticket to the concert and banned him from Fisher–Hassenfeld for the rest of his college career. You go, girl! Some crazy happenings went down at Theos's Annual Chancellor Day Party, too. One boy got hit in the face with a champagne bottle, losing a tooth and the cops arrived to break up the shindig. Or did they? Turns out, the cops ended up partying with the Flingers, and taking shots. Sources tell us that someone even threw up on one of the cops. Gross. But hey, it was better than Theos's rained–out, tent–covered Flingfest last year. One guy certainly pissed off a lot of people this Fling — or should we say pissed on? He was kicked out of Franklin Field during the concert for peeing in the girls' bathroom, — but wait, that's not all! The boy was also caught by the police the next day for peeing in public in the Quad. Upon running away, midstream, the boy found an empty Quad room and proceeded to finish the job in a poor girl's Nalgene. Yikes, we hope she realized before taking a drink. Maybe he should learn to get better control of his bladder, but hey, we've all been there.

the rules set by the powerful to keep the people in place. With eight strong arms they put me back in my place. Carried offstage and then backstage I was at the mercy of the police: "What the heck were you thinking man, jumping onstage!! Give me your ID!"…"I don't have any ID! Man I just wanna go to bed…can I go?" "Are you a student here?" "Yea…" "Ok, what's your name?" "Brandon… Brandon Bibbs… B–I–B–B–S." The policeman took down my info and then looked at his partner…"I'm just going to walk him out…" The police officer walked by my side but I walked just a bit faster. I jumped into a taxi and felt relieved to be out of their hands. My relief escaped me when I remembered how much the police actually keep American cities under surveillance. In the following few hours I took this threat of state surveillance a bit too overdramatically, but I'll tell you what happened anyways because it might make you laugh.

highbrow ego food & drink music feature film arts lowbrow

HIGHBROW

highbrow ego food & drink music feature film arts lowbrow

BEST OFTHEROUNDUP stories involving bodily fluids

Most Likely to Get Arrested: One Frat’s Run–in with the DEA

stories involving sex THEOS

stories involving alcohol

Theta

Tabard

SDT

OZ AEPi

Kappa Sig

Tri Delt

ZBT

Skulls

2 0

2 mentions each: St. A's, AXO, Alpha Phi, Fiji, Chi O, Pike, ATO, Phi Delt, Castle, ZTA 1 mention: PiLam, Theta Xi, SAE

number of times Highbrow mentioned itself in third person

number of times Highbrow made a terrible pun

number of stories Highbrow made up

Remember when one Locust frat got a pound of pot delivered to their house and the DEA found out? Super smooth, guys.

Best Spring Break Story: The Puerto Vallarta Foursome

Things really heated up in PV over Spring Break, where two Thebros and two Thehos got down to some business. Last year’s threesome turned into a foursome. ¡Picante!

Mas Loco: The Case of the Missing Statue

Some dirty dealings went down over Spring Break at the OZ villa too. A Theos boy stole a $15,000 Mayan statue from the boys, who were going to have to pay for it, but he graciously returned it.

Best Pledging Story: Tabard’s Groundhog Day Mix–up

Every February,Tabard girls have to dress up like groundhogs, popping out of the Button and singing every hour on the hour, but this year they fucked up and pulled the stunt a day early, so we got to enjoy it twice. Thanks!

Most Artistic: Theta Manscaping

During the sorority's annual scavenger hunt, one Theta girl sweettalked a Theos boy into shaving a greek letter into a Beta boy’s crotch. Can you guess which letter?

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

Best Recycling of a Party Theme: Theos Woodser

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The Theos Woodser was the party of the century, although we predicted their rave in the forest would be creepy. Too bad they stole the idea from Tridelt…

Editors' Choice: James Franco’s Awkward Emails

When James Franco and one ZTA girl started emailing each other, everyone was jealous. That is, until we actually read the email and they were hella awkward.

Most Bro–tastic: Shirtless Betas on SEPTA

After rocking out at Popped!, a few Betas were denied access to SEPTA because of their attire (or lack thereof). Remember: no shirt, no shoes, no SEPTA, everybody.

Best NSO Throwback: Exclusive Wristband Party

The OZ and Phi Delt super VIP wristband party was a dick move for sure, but it kept out most of the annoying frosh and gave sorority girls a hot pink plastic bracelets to wear as a symbol of how cool they think they are. Cute!

HONORABLE MENTION: BEST OVERHEARD

Devastated dude: "Philly Diner closed for good?! Shoot me in the motherfuckin’ face!"

EGOOF THE WEEK: JESSICA GOODMAN

PennQuest leader and former editor–in–chief of Street, Jessica Goodman, is 13 years–old, obsessed with glitter and never says no. But mainly, she likes glitter. Street: Your last name is Goodman. What’s a better adjective to describe you? JG: I think my friends would say Spaceyman, because they think that I don’t pay attention when they’re talking, because I look around and stuff. I’m not actually that spacey. Street: Do you have any plans for your first summer as a real person? JG: I definitely want to try not to die this first summer without a job or anything. I’ll definitely be hunting in Central Park a lot this summer, for food and water obviously. Street: Fill in the blank. “If I wasn’t afraid, I would ___.” JG: If I wasn’t afraid, I would go streaking on College Green at 1 p.m. Street: How long do you

think you would last in the Hunger Games? JG: I would be the first one out. Street: Do you have any special skills that would help you in survival? JG: I’m really good at putting glitter on. I have this palette of like 30 pots of glitter that all my friends use. My house is full of glitter.

JG: I read a ton of tween books, and love terrible CW shows. They’re so good. How could you not? And because I jump up and down and wear glitter. It all comes back to glitter. My entire life is about glitter. Jess Goodman: The Glitter Story.

Street: What’s your favorite word? JG: In the entire language? "Sequin."

Street: If you could invent a new Street section, what would it be? JG: I guess it would be … like, Midbrow? Yeah, Midbrow. And it would just be a picture of Frida Kahlo’s eyebrow every week.

Street: Who’s your alter ego? JG: Well, I am a 13 year–old girl, but that’s just my real ego. If you ask anybody, they think I’m just a teenage girl, which is awesome. Street: Why?

Street: You find a magic lamp. What are your three wishes? JG: Make everybody that I love at this school come with me wherever I go next year. That’s one. Number two would be to always have Koja with me right

hummus grill make it a feast!

around the block. And three would be to stop having everybody on this campus wear so much neon during Fling. It’s a little much. Street: What’s your spirit animal? JG: Ke$ha, but that’s not a thing… Street: She likes glitter. J G : Ye a h , Ke $ ha is my spirit animal. No, wait! Seals. I love seals. Street: What’s your mantra? JG: Always say yes.

Street: You’re a PennQuest leader. Let's say you’re stranded in the middle of the forest. What would you bring? JG: I would bring an endless supply of Dunkaroos, my Netflix account and — I’m trying to think of all the shit in my room. I’m kind of a hoarder. And a pair of Nike Dunks. Street: If you could give one piece of advice to pre–frosh, what would it be? JG: Don’t be afraid if you’re assigned Hill, and pick up a copy of Street. Obviously.

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make it a success! 34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

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highbrow ego food & drink music feature film arts lowbrow

EGO

includes: falafel, hummus, pita, Moroccan cigars mixed meat, rice, Israeli & cabbage salads

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IN REVIEW

Let Ego help you calculate how much your year sucked/sort of sucked with this easy quiz — keep track of your score as you make your way through it. Hopefully you can add and subtract on a third–grade level. BY PATRICK FORD–MATZ AND FARYN PEARL –6 if you cried when you heard ABP was closing. +6 if you somehow don’t know what ABP stands for. Good for you. +4 if an Occupy protester threw something at you on your way into Huntsman. –8 if you participated in the protest and chose not to shower for weeks. +3 if you even know what the Education Commons is (are?). +5 if you can find it (them?). +5 if you were mentioned in a Penn alert. –2 if you were the culprit. +3 if you raged to Tiësto. +4 if you did it on the bleachers. +7 if you fell on someone. –10 if you dealt with the construction of Locust with a smile and a high head. Why weren’t you miserable like the rest of us? +10 if you had the Philly Diner Meat Lover’s Omelette and lived to tell the tale. T–shirts will be

sold at the front door. –8 if your favorite restaurant was taken in the Great Restaurant Genocide. Gone, but not forgotten. +5 If you remembered that Huntsman ran for GOP. +10 if you’re mysteriously attracted to him. Love you Jon! –3 if you endlessly complained about Geoffrey Canada as a graduation speaker. Didn’t Denzel teach you anything? –15 if you’ve already hooked up with a pre–frosh. –30 if you wrote a Shoutout about it. –3 if you questioned whether Capogiro gelato was truly the best in the world. This is why we can’t have nice things. +5 if you’ve touched Amy Gutmann this year. Never wash that hand. That skin could be worth millions someday. –5 if your frat got/is getting kicked off campus. +16 if it was your fault.

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

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+5 if you’ve taken advantage of the bipolar weather –5 if you’ve tweeted upwards of 10 times about it. #thetrendisover #getoverit +100 if you’re Zack Rosen. –4 if you got your red–and–blue panties in a bunch after the New York Times confused us with Penn State. –15 if you own a “Not Penn State” shirt. BURN IT. +8 if you’ve managed to work a Hunger Games reference into all of your classes this semester. May the odds (of getting laid) be ever in your favor. –4 if you kept your Kony 2012 merchandise even after the movement died. +5 if you plan to refurbish it as an ironic Halloween costume.

Totals:

–113: You’re actually the worst. Do you even go here? –112 to –56: Oof. Either you took this drunk or you really are that lame. Try harder. –56 to –1: You’re probably a freshman. 0: WHOA MAN. Your score added to zero?! You must feel awesome. But let us remind you, your score added to zero. 1 to 55: Your OCR rejections say you’re “earnest and determined, but we don’t think this is the right fit for you.” Better luck on Craigslist.

highbrow ego food & drink music feature film arts lowbrow

+10 if the UA hazed your sorry ass. –15 if they made you cry.

56 to 110: Liar. 111: You’re perfect, but not Zack Rosen. 211: You’re Zack Rosen and you’re perfect. Never change.

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34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

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FILM FOOD&DRINK

BEILER’S GUIDE DO YOUDUTCH: PAY PER A VIEW?

How Penn Students Watch Movies Borrow from Library

Don't Watch Movies Amish Baked Reading Terminal’s Beiler Bakery By isa oliveres 24.6% Film polled youGoods to findfrom out how you are getting your Sunday afternoon In the Northwest corner of Reading Terminal Market, Beiler’s Bakery serves up an assortment of no–fuss, no–muss, unbelievably delicious baked goods that Theaters ANTHONY KHAYKIN movie xes. Here’s what we are madefion–site every morning. Thislearned. is the realBY Pennsylvania Dutch and simplicity reigns. Relax, the Amish don’t count calories and neither should you.

Free Streaming Remember: houghthey’re we allonly knowopen the Wednesday–Saturday. watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stu47.7% 16.9% Paid Online Services Internet is for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free The about Sticky bedroom is no longer the only 17%Bun: of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel What’s classic: Straight the oven to your The Deep 9.2% Fried Delight area being ceded to digital terri- watching movies at the from Rave evand Ch131 rather than pay for mouth, these cinnamon spiced rolls are still What’s classic: Apple Fritter –– the crisp tory. For every girl with daddy’s ery semester. services provided by Netflix and when you buy one. Rich, sweet dough first bite 1.5% transforms and unpacks flavor AmEx, window browsing onwarmBut how about the other ste- Redbox? is topped a dark cinnamon–sugar glaze, as it melts in your mouth. Large chunks of Fifth Avenue has been replaced reotype,with the one that says all colWhile 75% of us watch movmaking for a stickiness that doesn’t dissapoint. spiced apple are nestled in a light and fluffy with online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for ($1.95) batter, in a perfectly sweet glaze. FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a Why do you goalltodipped the movies? Change–up: Nut Sticky Bun –– same as the clas($1.55) ally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hys3.1% sic but topped with raw, chopped walnuts. The nuts Change–up: There6.3% isn’t one. Stick with the original. intended) with the existence of terical, but is Other add texture and tart flavor which balance the sweetness of the Whose recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the It's a way to hang out with friends bun. ($1.95) 25% 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other It's a good study break 40.6% at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% 40 A Friend It makes you feel relaxed and happy nearly half the traffic for the it would The Whoopie Pie: Cinema Studies 25% midnight screenings of blockhave cost if Required for Class 30 26.2% What’s classic: Two rich,Major dark 25% CD–sized 25% buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA Wild card? Try the sour cream donut. chocolate cookies are the bread of this 20 does the day after the newest in theaters? Street sandwich. The filling: nothing but The sweetness of the dough is conepisode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were whipped cream and as legit as the stuff allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t es seven movies, trasted more or by less,the unexpected tangy kick than one option. from the can. ($2.50) 0 of the sour are too busy procrastinating that bad, I every semester. Simple arithme- cream glaze on this cakey Change–up: Ditch the cocoa for airy, on Penn InTouch and designguess. tic proves thatround. it’s $40($0.75) cheaper pumpkin–gingerbread cookies — an unexpecting funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible and The average Penn student to watch said movies on Netflix ed twist on this schoolyard classic. ($2.50) the clubs we’re involved in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if than at the Rave, and an addiJOSEPH HAIR SALON_4 X 5 (cost 4/4/12 5:13 PM Page 1 leave the comfort of our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch- ANTHONY tional $20 less on iTunes of popcorn and Mike and Ikes JOSEPH ANTHONY HAIR SALON_4 X 5 4/4/12 5:13 PM Page 1 not included in these calculations). The low cost of watching seven movies on iTunes for >> Total amount of JOSEPH ANTHONY HAIR the SALON_4 X 5 4/4/12 5:13 PM Page 1 less than 30 bucks is worth money spent in movie many conveniences that online theaters* by Penn paid services afford us: not bestudents each semester ing interrupted by incessant buffering and commercials, the immunity to computer viruses and most importantly, not having to wait 54 minutes after >> Total amount of watching 72 minutes of a movie money spent watching on Megavideo. online, if all people who Not to mention, it’s a small paid for online services price to pay when you look at Dine-In, Catering & Delivery used iTunes* the big picture — the combined savings of the 47.7% of Penn Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 students who pay for their online services rather than going to the Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 movie theater is somewhere between $196,136 and $295,344, >> Total amount of Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95 depending on whether they use money spent watching Netflix or iTunes, respectively. online, if all people who Moral of the story is: we won't paid for online services judge if you just stay in bed. used Netflix*

BY THE NUMBERS

34TH STREET STREET Magazine Magazine December April 19, 2012 34TH 1, 2011

$153,701

$196,136

$295,344

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By TUCKER JOHNS

Sure, you can sample Pennsylvania Dutch cuisine at Reading Terminal Market, but for a more immersive experience, head 55 miles west to Lancaster, a city of 60,000 people located in the heart of Pennsylvania Dutch country. Here’s an itinerary we put together for a delicious, action–packed day in Lancaster. How to Get There: If you have a car, the trip is easy and usually takes around an hour and a half. If you’re carless, though, the easiest way to travel is by train. The Keystone line runs multiple times per day from 30th Street Station to Lancaster, and the 70–minute ride costs only $15 each way. Breakfast: If you get there in time for breakfast, try Rachel’s Café & Creperie, located just a short walk from the train station. The breakfast crepes ($6–8) are all delicious, especially with a side of chive hash browns ($1), and don’t leave without getting your caffeine boost from a nutella mocha.

Catch the rest of the culinary tour online at 34st.com!

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34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

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Eat Your Way Through Lancaster

highbrow ego food & drink music feature film arts lowbrow

WHOOPIE PIE

History has it that Pennsylvania Dutch women would bake these treats for their husbands and children and plant them in their lunch pails. So thrilled by the sight of these little filled chocolate cakes, the lucky recipients would shout, “Whoopie!” Apparently, the name stuck. Give them a try. By AMANDA SHULMAN STEPS: 1. Preheat the oven to 400°. 2. Combine flour, salt, cocoa powder, baking soda and baking powder in a medium bowl. 3. Using an electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy (about three minutes). 4. Add the eggs one at a time, and beat well after each addition. 5. Gradually mix in buttermilk until the mixture is well combined. 6. Slowly add the dry ingredients. Mix until thick and batter is smooth. 7. Using an ice cream scooper, scoop the batter into two–inch balls onto a greased cookie sheets. Make sure to evenly space them, about two inches apart, as they will grow. Bake for 12 minutes. 8. Remove from oven and cool the cookies either by putting them on a baking rack or into the fridge.

Recipe (adapted from Annie’s Eats), yields about 24 pies (48 cookies) Ingredients for the cookies: • 3 1/2 cups all–purpose flour • 1 tsp. salt • 1 1/2 cups unsweetened cocoa powder • 1 tbsp. baking soda • 1 tsp. baking powder • 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature *MAKE SURE OF THIS* • 2 cups sugar • 2 large eggs • 2 cups buttermilk

NOW FOR THE FILLING: 9. In a bowl, beat the butter, powdered sugar, fluff and vanilla. Start on a low speed and slowly increase until the mixture is thick, creamy and well combined. ASSEMBLY: 10. Take a ziplock bag and fill it with frosting. Cut a hole in the corner of the bag. 11. Make sure the cookies are completely cooled. Then, match them up by size. Pipe a dollop of frosting onto the flat side of one cookie and then sandwich it with its matching counterpart.

For filling: • 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature • 2 cups powdered sugar • 16 oz. marshmallow fluff • 2 tsp. vanilla extract

12. ENJOY!

Look online for this week's Just Add This!

What you need: • 2 mixing bowls • Electric mixer • Cookie sheet • Plastic bag • Measuring cup

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

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ALBUM REVIEWS THE PICTURE SHOW – NEON TREES

If you’re listening to Neon Trees’ The Picture Show this summer, you’re probably being forced to drive your little sister and her friends to soccer practice in a minivan, and she’s just reached over your shoulder to ask, “Can you play track three again?” and you grind your teeth as you cue the radio single, while in the back they incant “Louder! Louder!” like a demon choir or a yapping Cerberus, and, as the suburban landscape passes you by, you repeatedly ask yourself why you didn’t take that internship in Bosnia and leave the U.S. for a good while. — Michael Scognamiglio

MUSICAL CHAIRS We sat down with Chairlift and chatted about Australia and backstage raves. Here's an excerpt.

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“Animal”— Neon Trees (2010)

Fling weekend was hard for me. Between the student bands covering 2010 hits in the Lower Quad and revisiting my freshman dorm in the Nipple, I was flooded with the sights and sounds of a freshman year past. One particularly evocative sound was Neon Trees’ “Animal” — when I DEFIBRILLATOR heard it on Friday, I remembered the sheer number of impromptu dance parties it inspired, and subsequently burst into tears. Okay, I didn’t do that. But something about “Animal” still does strike at my core. This mediocre, cookie–cutter, just–indie–enough pop song — which should be, in all respects, completely forgettable — is anything but. The catchy guitar line gets you from the opening bars. The chorus, a mix of aching “oh–ohs," makes it easy to rock out and sing along. And the ineffable hook materializes effortlessly with each listen: “what are you waiting for?” But it’s even simpler than that. “Animal” is so great because it brings about that pesky feeling and annoying popular reference to “feeling infinite." Whether that’s age–appropriate for a 20 year–old (it’s not) is of no interest to me. As long as those five words ring true, I will be forever dancing to “Animal” in the foyer of my freshman hall. — Frida Garza

concerts WASHED OUT

BASSNECTAR

CHAIRLIFT

When: Tonight Where: Union Transfer How much: $15 Why: You’re ready to take a definitive stance on the “chillwave” debate. You love it. And you’re going. We’ll see you there.

When: Tomorrow Where: Liacouras Center How much: $28–$45 Why: Couldn’t make it to Ultra? Didn’t satisfy your jonesing for electronica with Tiësto? Head out to Temple’s Liacouras Center to bass yourself clean.

When: 4/22 Where: Johnny Brenda’s How much: $13–$14 Why: Because you love “Bruises” way more than you’re willing to admit. Oh, and their new album definitively rocks.

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MUSIC

This is an advertisement for a research study.

Are you an 18-29 year old woman who has tanned indoors? If so, you may be eligible to participate in Project BRITE!

BY FRIDA GARZA AND SAM BRODEY

You’ll find me doing some really stupid, strange dance moves backstage. Then 30 minutes after the show, we’re usually hanging out with friends who have come to the show. And I love eating — as soon as we get off–stage, even if I’m not that hungry. When you go up on stage you give a lot of energy, so when I’m off, it’s like take take take and I’ll eat just about anything. So if someone put, like, a poisoned burrito in front of me after a show, I’d eat it without question. Actually, speaking of dancing, we’ve been having these mini–raves backstage — turning up the music, turning the lights off. It’s been getting intense.

The purpose of the study is to learn more about indoor tanners and the psychological and biological factors that may or may not be related to indoor tanning. These activities will take place during 2-3 in-person sessions totaling approximately 4.5 hours. By completing the entire study, participants will be compensated with $100, plus parking/transportation, and a small gift (e.g., sunless tanner, coupon for sunscreen).

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

Street: We’re curious — what do you guys do 30 minutes before a show and 30 minutes after a show? Caroline Polachek: Well, I’m always running late or behind, or backstage thinking “crap, what am I going to wear?” Patrick is usually extremely relaxed and playing hip–hop loudly in the dressing room. And we’re all drinking whiskey. We’re usually talking about the set list and I find that, before going on stage, doing dance warm–ups is more valuable than vocal warm–ups. I like thinking about hand and leg movements. Dancing a little bit in the green room makes me more mentally prepared.

For more information or to be screened for eligibility, please contact the study coordinator at project.brite@fccc.edu or 215-222-3200 ext 169.

www.drexel.edu, www.upenn.edu, or www.foxchase.org 11

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BEST OF MUSIC, SO FAR By Frida Garza and Sam Brodey

Best Heartwarming Moment: Adele at the VMAs Best Tear–jerking Moment: Adele at the VMAs Only a performance from the ineffable Adele could win both of these categories. Her stunning rendition of “Someone Like You” — an inescapable song that we’ve all heard a zillion times in line at CVS — is inspiring in how emotionally debilitating it is. It wrecks you. Watching it feels like your heart is simultaneously swelling and breaking and nothing is right but everything is OKAY because, holy shit. Someone somewhere had the foresight to bless that girl with mad pipes and the world is a better, more tearful place for it.

Best Concert on Campus: Tiësto

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

Some were skeptical, but all of those who were there last Friday at Franklin Field (floor or stands) will tell you: it was a hell of a show. Hundreds of us raged, reveling in the impressive set graphics, well–chosen remixes and boundless energy of the set. It was a classic Penn moment — hope you remembered it.

Front–runners for Best Album of 2012: Visions — Grimes Reign of Terror — Sleigh Bells Something — Chairlift Port of Morrow — The Shins Tramp — Sharon Van Etten

Best secrets we didn’t let you in on: 12 issues weren’t enough. Here are some musical gems (and general life advice) we wish we could have shared with you this semester. • Bringing a six–pack to First Unitarian for a show • Taking SEPTA to Union Transfer — make it BYO • Dance remixes of “Someone That I Used to Know” • Bluegrass music at Fiume on Thursdays • Bobby in the Lobby at Smokes • Raging to LCD Soundsystem • ANTWON • Best of Cousin Skeeter on YouTube

Best Mash–Up We Heard at Fling: Tyga’s “Rack City” x The Jackson 5’s “I Want You Back” If you know what song this is, you should email music@34st.com immediately. We’ve searched high and low on YouTube to no avail. But this mash–up is out there, we promise. And it’s awesome.

Best “Well, this is awkward” Moment: Lana Del Rey’s quick descent from fame Remember her? Street does. Lana Del Rey appeared no fewer than five times in the magazine this semester. What was it about the brunette bombshell that fixated listeners? Let’s review: “Videos Games” blew up in the summer of 2011, launching Lana into a worldwide tour and a record deal. As her songs leaked into the blogosphere, critics labeled Lana as “inauthentic.” The masses divided: you were either vehemently pro– or anti–Lana and there was no switching sides. The world quivered in anticipation of her debut album to definitively conclude the debate. But Born to Die proved to be just that: dead on arrival and completely mediocre. Fans got bored and haters stood validated. The world grew quiet in its disappointment. In a week’s time, no one cared enough to even write scathing blog posts about her SNL performance. Lana’s infamy quickly fizzled out and now the biggest buzz about her is the rumor she’s dating Axl Rose (wut?).

Best Jam Semester: Maybe”

of the “Call Me

Does everyone love it? No. Are there plenty of reasons to love it? Between the catchy lyrics, sweet flourishes and yes, that brilliant, brilliant chorus, we’d give an emphatic yes. Whether you like it or not, you'd have to be quite the scrooge to not appreciate the pure joy this song brought to campus on St. Patty's Day and during Fling.

Best Campus Chipotle

eclectic Playlist:

Walk into Chipotle and you’ll be greeted by obscure 90s rap. Dig into your burrito as you dig a jazz cover of a Radiohead hit. Clear your table while you groove to some Jamaican dub. Quite simply, no place on campus can boast a playlist as diverse and quality as Chipotle. Now that’s tasty.

Best Low–Key Music Store: Penn Bookstore Kids, piracy is bad and you should really pay for your music. We know it’s a dying trend. But if you’re looking for a good place to buy CDs, the music section of the Penn Bookstore is nostalgia heaven. Their selection of CDs is pretty decent and we hear they have sweet BOGO deals. Plus, you can bursar that shit (and that’s almost like downloading for free, right?).

Best Tweet from Tyler the Creator: “Not All Youth Is Like Them Little Fuckers On Disney Channel And Listen To The Positive Pop Shit, Most Are Fucking And Doing Drugs, Dude.”

Best Music Website You Might Not Know About:

PrettyMuchAmazing.com Tired of Pitchfork’s hipster sass? PrettyMuchAmazing. com gives you indie music in layman’s terms and without the heap pretentiousness. With tens of new posts every day (and awesome video footage of Coachella in the past week), PMA presents a new way to get your BNM.

um for his random, unrelated comments that pop up about once every 10 minutes. “How many of you are applying to med school? Only half of half of half of you will actually go.” His heavily accented snippets about campus life make even the parts of the cell interesting: “The smooth ER is involved in the degradation of alcohol. I’m sure you were all working your smooth ERs very hard this weekend.” And his insights into the animal kingdom are fascinating: “Monkeys. I do not like monkeys. Or giraffes.” Oh, Fevzi, we wish we knew how to quit you. Keep the pearls of wisdom coming, in 140 characters or less.

Penn squirrels have got it pretty good any way you slice it. Lots of abandoned food, trees to climb and plenty of fellow squirrels to chase — plus there’s that guy on College Green who gets them to jump off his leg in exchange for breadcrumbs. Still, in the hierarchy of squirreldom, the Quad squirrels are on a whole ’nother level. They’re brave, they’re rotund and they make scarily good eye–contact. Whether they’re lying in wait in trash cans, making off with McClelland leftovers, staring you down showdown–style across the baby quad or taking advantage of windows conveniently left open over Fall Break, Quad squirrels

clearly know how to live it up. Whereas your average garbage–munching squirrel may be easily deterred by a window screen, the Quad squirrels’ boldness knows no bounds. A window screen is no match for a hungry squirrel once he catches a whiff of your stash of Froot Loops — just ask any Quad resident fortunate enough to have had their room ransacked by a pack of squirrels. And once they develop a taste for freshman cuisine, expect regular visits from your favorite furry floormates.

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

It’s 5 o’clock. Felipe Calderon called — he wants to know why you’re not at Copa, and so do we. Don’t go to Tap House. The food sucks and no one will see you when you’re stuck up on a roof. 40th and Spruce is like Penn’s Times Square and late afternoon is rush hour. Get there early and get an outdoor table, even if you have to fight off someone way frattier than you are. Drink specials run from 5–7 Monday–Thursday and 4–7 on Friday. Cocktails are $3, domestic pints are $2.50 and $2 for Yeungling Lite and Tecate. But Happy Hour’s not only about deals, it’s about getting silly while the sun’s still shining. To do it right, go for a marg, and it better be Classic. Spring for a double and you’ll be back in PV.

We all have them; those required classes that make you wish, just once, that all of college has been a dream and you’re actually still in kindergarten, learning colors and shapes. But every so often, like finding that extra French fry at the bottom of a McDonald’s bag, there’s something that makes those classes just a little bit better. A funny professor can make a class go from boring to bitchin’ in no time. Enter Fevzi Daldal, Biology 101 professor. Mustachioed and endearing, Daldal quickly wins over the hearts of his students with his quick wit and “size matters” jokes (which are never–ending). Twitter would make the perfect medi-

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Every spring, we ask you, the students of Penn, to take place in the illustrious and democratic Street tradition known as “Best of Penn.” Each week, you hear what we have to say about everything from food to film to everyday happenings on campus. But this week, we asked you to flex your democratic muscles and voice your own opinions. It is in keeping with this tradition each year that you get to tell us what you think is the absolute best (and worst) that Penn has to offer. In the past, this has allowed us to figure out where to excrete while being discreet (it was Van Pelt) or where to shop if you’re ok with potentially getting caught in a DEA drug bust (Last Word Bookshop). This year is no exception. Without further ado, here are this year’s campus superlatives, from the absolute worst course requirement (we’ll give you three guesses who won that category) to the most depressing place on campus (this one is harder to guess). Thank you all for your votes and we hope you make the best of your summer!

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It happens every semester: you finalize your dream schedule and take it to Campus Copy for lamination, only to realize that awkward half–hour gap in the middle of your two afternoon classes. “It’s okay,” you tell yourself, “I’ll get lunch or do something productive.” This is a lie. Every week (or twice a week, if you’re really bad at registration), your 30–minute break will roll around and without fail, you will be overcome with a feeling of complete uselessness. It’s 4:00, so no, you don’t want to eat lunch. And let’s be real, you can’t get anything done in half an hour. So, what do you do? You take out your phone, and right as you hit send on that “ugh what do I do with this half hour? So annoying…” text

to your roommate, one of your besties walks up. Before she can even finish asking you what you’re up to, you’re already whining about how hard it is to kill half an hour. After she rolls her eyes and ditches you for her well–timed class, you decide to call a truce and ask your mom what to do with this torturous time block. She asks why you don’t just go to the library, which is clearly unacceptable. Just as you hang up with your second cousin, after insisting that this awkward break is so much worse than her flu, you look at the time and realize it’s finally time for class. Also, you’ve spent the past 30 minutes complaining to literally everyone you know. Great job, now everyone thinks you’re annoying. Same time next week?

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Picture this: it's the fall semester of your freshman year, the day that you received the first A– of your life. As you clench your Econ midterm in your fist, you quietly rue the day that you accidentally walked over the Compass. Is an A– failing? Your eyes dart across the lecture hall, looking for the nearest exit. You bolt, feeling wounded and tearful. Where do you go? Huntsman? Too depressing. Van Pelt? Too crowded. Insomnia? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN. There is only one place. You head to the Button. Beneath the shelter of this giant metal thing, you can wail and go largely undetected by your peers. Seriously, does anyone ever look down there? No. The only way anyone would see you is if they were sitting on the benches directly across from the Button. This may seem like a glaring flaw in the Button’s grand design, but think about it: those people will feel SO violated and uncomfortable by your crying that they will have no choice but to leave. So go ahead, curl up under the Button and bawl your eyes out. You’ll be so busy sobbing that you won’t even notice the smell of urine and ejaculate.

In the realm of urban getaways, Philadelphia can leave something to be desired. While New Yorkers have 800–odd acres of pristine green parkland at their fingertips, Philadelphians in the mood for a romantic stroll have to get a little more creative. Fortunately, we took care of the creative thinking for you. Two words: Schuylkill Trail. Sure, it may not have the cachet of a Golden Gate Park or a Boston Common, but it does have some grass. And some water. And some highly questionable aromas, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Plus those interesting odors emanating from river dearest could provide a great conversation starter next time you suggest a romantic amble to your gentleman or lady–friend of choice. Sights along the way include the Philadelphia Art Museum, Boathouse Row and the healthy population of pigeons that dwells along the shores of the mighty Schuylk. If you’re feeling really fancy, you can pack a picnic and eat it in front of all the people exercising. Perhaps the greatest perk of the Schuylkill Trail is the prime people–watching opportunities. No activity brings people together more than making fun of roller bladers. Trust us.

and stressful, but for some reason, every Tom, Dick and Harry up in this bitch is always having a crisis. First things first: bathroom stalls are not soundproof. We all hear everything you’re saying, and frankly, it’s positively riveting. Second of all, WHY would you want to have this conversation in public? I personally would not want everyone within earshot to know that the condom broke, or that, no, that funny smell hasn’t gone away, or that she vomited all over you and you had sex with her anyway because you were that desperate. It’s like every time you walk into one of these bathrooms, someone is having a phone interview for the Maury Show. Didn’t your parents teach you that there are some things that should remain behind closed, private doors? Seriously, go home before you call your therapist to analyze your dream from last night, or at least book yourself a GSR.

Let’s face it; nobody is good at winter. It seems like every day from December through February you leave the house only to realize you forgot your gloves and your jacket’s zipper broke and your sweater is too thin and, oh yeah, it’s sleeting. It should be no secret to anyone at this point that Philly winter is beyond miserable. It’s frigid and windy and you feel like you would almost sleep with the guy driving your cab from 41st to DRL just to feel a warm body next to you. So what’s the next best thing? That mysterious smoking vent under the 38th street bridge, OF COURSE. Hear us out. We know that it may seem sort of gross to walk through that mysterious cloud of unidentified vapor. But honestly, when that warm steam envelops you and restores the feeling in your fingertips, do you really care? Sure, when you’re walking with your friends, you avoid the vent just like everyone else for fear that they might judge you. But, in the loneliness and solitude of a solo winter commute, there is no shame in rerouting your walk just to linger for an extra second on that warm, inviting vent. But seriously, what the fuck is coming out of that vent?

Oh, writing seminar: the crowning jewel of the Penn curriculum. When we arrived at Penn we were given conflicting advice, from “take the writing seminar immediately” to “put it off until senior year," and “All writing seminars are the same” to “take ‘The Burbs’ or you’re fucked.” Regardless of what route you took, within the first second of the first class one thing was abundantly clear: WRITING SEMINAR FUCKING SUCKS. Your professor just spelled “necessary” wrong and types up all his notes in the textbox of a blank PowerPoint. Everyone in your class is a pre–med Physics major getting their MBA in financial computer science. When you say you’re an English major, you will be greeted by 15 confused stares. You can protest all you want: doesn’t matter if you were editor of your school newspaper, doesn’t matter if you are a published author. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were a Penn student, he would have to take a writing seminar, and you know what? He would almost definitely get a B. Why? Oh, because writing is not about creativity, flowery language or innovation. Successful writing is about a preset number of sentences, each no longer than one line, in a very specific structure that you will never use in another context for the rest of your life. The content of your essays are irrelevant. In conclusion, writing seminar literally blows monkey chunks. How’s that for the Practice of Writing, Valerie Ross?

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

What is it about bathrooms that make everyone at this school think that they are invisible to the human eye and ear? In Van Pelt, the unpleasant sounds of bodily functions reverberate under the doors and echo in the reading rooms. In the Quad, sororstitutes coordinate their shower times so that they might “catch up,” which is girl for “let’s try to one–up each other’s drunken idiocy and then gossip.” But by far the greatest offenders in this category are the Huntsman bathrooms. Maybe it's that the atmosphere in Huntsman is so high–stakes

Ah, Sunday morning. You wake up at 11, hungover, slip into sweatpants and slouch over to the truck on 38th and Spruce. You see that smiling, familiar face — Mr. Bui — and manage to stammer out, “Hangover Special, please.” You chug your blue Gatorade like it’s ambrosia infused with Advil. Mr. Bui doesn’t judge. You grab your sandwich, bring it back to your lair and relish that first bite, the glorious mix of fried egg, bacon, sausage, cheese and sauce. Oh, the sauce. No one knows exactly what’s in it. Sure, we have an idea: its pinkish hue, richness and spiciness suggest some mix of Sriracha sauce and mayonnaise. But there’s something else there. Some say vinegar, some say ketchup, some say something else — a secret ingredient, perhaps. We’ll never quite know for sure. What we do know, though, is that this sublime sauce is far and away tops on campus. Of course, Hemo’s has Hemo sauce and, make no mistake — it’s good. But it doesn’t have the sheer power of Bui’s humble creation, which raises a regular food truck breakfast sandwich from pedestrian to awe–inspiring. So this Sunday morning, give Mr. Bui a big smile back, and ask for an extra cup of sauce on the side for a quarter more. You didn’t hear it from us.

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Ask any professional people–watcher and they will tell you that there are three key things to the art of observation: location, location and gelato. Capogiro, it just so happens, offers all these benefits. Nestled in the 39th block of Walnut, the store is beside Jimmy John’s, the Radian, CVS, and below Tap House — think about how many people visit any or all of those places in one day. At least, like, 10 or something. And you can watch them all, through the floor–to–ceiling windows that span the length of the gelateria. Just pop a squat at any of Capo’s tables and revel in the panoramic view. It’s like the Grand Canyon, but slightly creepier. But don’t worry — the great thing about Capo is that no one will ever suspect that you’re ogling every passerby. You’re just a Penn student looking for a place to study. You got tests! You got books to read! Even when you’re not studying, put some gelato or coffee in front of you and no one will know. Whether you want to watch sandwich runs, preemptive walks of shame or just general commuting, Capo is the place for you (you creepy creepster creep, you).

highbrow ego food & drink music feature film arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012 16

On the bottom floor of Penn Tower, that mysterious building next to the Penn Museum, sits an underappreciated purveyor of toasted sandwich bliss, Potbelly. If you’ve never been before (and judging by the crowd of lab coat–clad doctors and middle– aged folk, that would be most of you), then here’s some advice: be alert. You’ll probably have to wait about five minutes in line, during which time you can consider the (in)significance of the assorted knickknacks on the walls and decide whether or not you really want potato salad. When you get to the front of the line, though, you better have your game face on. The sandwich maker will look at you silently and expectantly, at which point you better have your order ready. “Italian or wheat?” “Cheese?” "Regular or Big?" Once you’ve tackled these questions, you have a minute to recover as your meat and cheese toast, but the real challenge, the topping selection, lies ahead. Word to the wise: never skip the hot peppers. Other than that, your choice. Seconds after you say “mayo,” your sandwich will be wrapped and in hand, and after paying (typically less than $5), all you have left to do is devour your creation. Oh wait, did we mention the extensive dessert and milkshake menu? This is what you’re missing out on, and consider this your final tip.

It may mean little when A–Gutt refers to it as “Penn’s urban oasis,” but Penn Park may really be a diamond in the rough. When the University underwent a multi–million dollar renovation, we knew the finished product would revolutionize our campus. Right? Or would it be a haven for athletes and a one–time hangout spot for freshmen wanting giveaways on Opening Day? Sounds a bit truer. Either way, there’s no denying that Penn Park has brought a lot more green to Penn as it ranges from Franklin Field to the Schuylkill River. So if you’re stuck here solo during Fall Break, Thanksgiving or (gasp!) Spring Break, ex-

There’s no denying that Penn has gottahava Wawa. While non–Pennsylvanians can’t quite grasp why we frequent such a seemingly classless establishment, students — overwhelmingly Quad–dwellers — swear by its food. (Its upbeat soundtrack, which employees and customers often jam along too, won a “Best of Penn” last year.) Waiting in a long line with large numbers of peers gives way to a drunken love affair with your hoagie, which eventually translates into sober journeys late on weekday nights. It’s a widespread phenomenon. It makes sense — Wawa often receives such glowing reviews as “it’s fine and it’s open.” Students all have their preferences, from quesadillas to

milkshakes, but did you know the jolly servers with hairnets on their beards can serve you mashed potatoes that rival grandma’s? That’s right: forget Thanksgiving or even Boston Market. Wawa’s underappreciated delicacy satisfies indulgent students in a way that only comfort food can. The potatoes can even come in fun, KFC–esque bowls with corn and chicken fingers! Wawa’s mashed potatoes may not be the most popular choice as of now, but their starchy deliciousness is sure to satisfy the mouths of the stressed and the munchied alike. So next time you’re tapping those tacky–but–useful touch–screens, regardless of your B.A.C., skip the hoagie and go mashed.

Picture it: you’ve been in Van Pelt for three days straight. You’re starving, but you don’t have the time to invest in walking, and inevitably socializing, to anywhere outside of a one–block radius. Plus, the odor your sweatpants are emitting has sort of destroyed your faith in humanity. As you emerge into the fresh air, you wander confusedly in the twilight towards Walnut. You black out for a second and next thing you know, you’re sitting at a table alone with a tray of food. There’s a Quizno’s sub, three Taco Bell tacos, an A&W root beer and a froyo from Mediterranean Cafe. It takes you about a

minute to run through all five stages of grief, finally arriving at acceptance as you dig in. As you somberly look around the room, it becomes abundantly clear that everyone else is also at a table for one, sampling similar fare. The overweight man at the next table to you is crying quietly into his slice of pizza. The vaguely familiar goth chick across the room is staring at her cell phone, waiting for a call that will never come. All of a sudden, you realize something startling: this is where happiness goes to die. Literally, what the fuck are you doing with your life?

plore the little–known acres on campus’s eastern side. Tan like you’re on as glamorous a trip as your friends, who darted off to Cancun, or maybe even dabble in athletics. Same goes for those who stay in Philly over the summer. Have a picnic that is not just a theoretical idea inspired by a romantic come d y ! When Penn is quieter t h a n usual, chilling in your normal spots can be anything from eerie to depressing. Choose Penn Park instead, because there’s got to be a reason Amy G. name–drops it as her pride and joy in every speech.

I’LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU Ever generic, Think Like a Man plays everything but “hard to get” Think Like a Man calls itself a romantic comedy, but it’s more like an endless infomercial that interrupts regularly– scheduled programming to tell you things you already know. The movie details the exploits of four dysfunctional guys who chase four girls, and how those girls coincidentally learn to understand male behavior and breed better beaus through Steve Harvey’s real–life book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Unfortunately, the movie becomes a two–hour advertisement for Harvey’s dating manual and a demonstration of romantic CPR — repetitively, lifelessly showing how to resuscitate an inanimate relationship. There are some funny moments, but much like its moral — in order to experience romance, you should play psychological dress–up — this meddlesome film is too comfortable pretending to be other things. – Olivia Rutigliano

A FILM FESTIVAL for MUSIC FANS

VAN PICK OF THE WEEK

ROMEO + JULIET

In which we find our lovers on the Verona Shore

With the recent re–release of Titanic in 3D, it seemed high time to take a look at another one of Leo DiCaprio’s teen–heartthrob vehicles to see if the 90s classic aged better than he has. William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, directed by Baz Luhrmann, moves the famous tale from Verona to a modern city, circa 1996. Luhrmann directs with a flourish characteristic of many music videos, and it’s not hard to imagine this film’s intended audience, a generation reared by MTV, that's bombarded by salacious tabloid headlines and high–speed marketing. Luhrmann all but buries his story with such ploys, prompting the question — why would anyone mix such serious fare with the ultimate in popcorn entertainment? Language is the only element of the Shakespeare original held sacred in this update, and it definitely feels the strain of the update. But the tricks occasionally pay off, investing the story with a fervor that is somewhat lacking in the staid 1968 version. After all, this is a film about two teenagers who go nuts for each other. Its loud, frenetic vibe feels oddly suited to the material. The film ultimately succeeds on the strength of its two leads, who fight through the clutter to locate the soul of this tragedy. – Sam Apfel

Showcasing contemporary rockumentaries, musician biopics, and movies defined by great soundtracks.

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FILM

20 FILMS 4 DAYS

Most Screenings on Penn Campus at the Annenberg Center for Performing Arts!

Thursday, April 26

WORLD CAFE LIVE: 9:00

Friday, April 27

Saturday, April 28

BIG EASY EXPRESS

GIRL WALK // ALL DAY

Follows EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC ZEROS, OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW, and MUMFORD & SONS train trek from Oakland to New Orleans for their 2011 tour.

Live dance party and film screening featuring this feature length music video for GIRL TALK’S latest album. Sponsored by Philebrity.com.

THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

TLA: MIDNIGHT

Featuring a live interactive shadow cast from theater troupe TRANSYLVANIAN NIPPLE PRODUCTIONS.

Sunday, April 29

ANNENBERG, ZELLERBACH: 7:30 PM

UNDER AFRICAN SKIES Chronicles PAUL SIMON’S return to South Africa to perform a concert celebrating the 25th Anniversary of Graceland.

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

ANNENBERG, ZELLERBACH: 8:00

Pay Just $8 Per Screening With Student ID!

FILM LIST AND TICKETS AT XPN.ORG

In Philly over the summer? Just stopping by? Either way, here are a few events to consider hitting up (and one to avoid). By DANIEL FELSENTHAL AND ALEX HOSENBALL Best way to be your own Indiana Jones: Resurrect Dead: The Mystery of the Toynbee Tiles

July 11 7:30 p.m. 401 S. Broad St The Philadelphia Film Society is a fairly reliable cultural aggregator, and though being a member has its benefits (free sneak previews of Pirates: Band of Misfits!), many of its events are also open to the public. On July 11, the PFS will screen two films at the Gershman YMCA, artist/fiction–writer/filmmaker Miranda July’s latest, The Future, and her husband Mike Mills’s enthusiastically–received Beginners. Both were released in the last couple of years and (as the program's title implies) were made by directors who ventured from the visual arts into movie–making. The fact that July and Mills are married is, well, incidental, but the screening itself forms part of a monthly series celebrating the confluence of film and other art forms. Tickets are free for students.

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Email jcalvello@review.com to reserve your seat now or visit us at 3451 Chestnut Street! 18

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34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

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0 300 7 8 Tel: (215) 226 5) 3387-3000 3 1 7 2 ((215) 387-3226 38 00 Tel: (215) 387-32 Tel:(215) (215) 387-3000 Fax: 387-3200 pm :30 m 15) -10 2 ( am 1:30p 1 : 1 (215) 387-3226 1 r � 1am- :30pm ax Mon-Thur Hours: � hu11am-10:30pm F n-T � 1 on - 10 o Fri & Sat� � 11am-11:30pm at� M o Fax: & S 387-3200 rs: (215) 12-n10:30pm i r ouSun� � � F 12noon

April 27 6:00–9:30 p.m. Gallery309 309 Cherry St. The Toynbee Tiles are a remarkable phenomenon, particularly within Philadelphia. The tiles are usually found embedded in streets and on the pavement, and they're often inscribed with a bizarre reference to resurrecting the dead on the planet Jupiter. Though the origin of the tiles remains a modern mystery, filmmaker Jon Foy set out to unravel their story in his 2011 documentary, Resurrect Dead: The Mystery of the Toynbee Tiles. Foy focuses on the research of Justin Duerr, a Philadelphia native, musician and visual artist who has searched for an explanation of the Toynbee Tiles for years. The cast and crew of the film are heading to Gallery309 later this month for a screening and discussion, though tickets are limited. Prior to the show, you can also check out Stranger Things Have Never Happened, Duerr’s installation in the gallery. Resurrect Dead was a hit on the festival circuit, and a film that touches so close to home should have you on the lookout for these strange tiles next time you’re wandering about town.

Best way to appreciate what’s going on in film right now: The Future and Beginners: The Artist as Filmmaker

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THE BEST OF PHILLY’S SUMMER FILM SCENE

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May 11 7:00 p.m. 3701 Chestnut St Still on campus in mid–May? Because the International House is showing something you definitely haven’t seen before, art snob. “Secret Cinema Blind Date” celebrates 35mm film — the toast of every cinema purist — which will be discontinued as a format for new movies in 2013. Having recently obtained a 35mm projector, I– House will play all of the reels they’ve collected throughout the years, none of which they’ve ever seen. The nature of these mystery clips is eclectic: trailers, short films, company videos and more. What binds them all is I–House’s supposed knack for collection, but you can be the judge of that. Tickets are $8 for students and the screening will take place in the Ibrahim Theater.

Worst way to appreciate your city: The Awfully Nice Tour of Rocky

We have to go right now, but we'll be back real soon. We promise. See you in the summer. And online at…

34st.com

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Best way to be surprised by movies again: Secret Cinema Blind Date: 35mm Archival Surprises

Rocky helped define Sylvester Stallone’s career, but it also added a certain (further) rough–and–tumble flavor to our dear Philadelphia, city of the underdog. This summer, make the movie a reality with the Awfully Nice Tour of Rocky and Rocky Balboa’s filming locales, from the Italian Market to the PMA steps. Wait, on second thought, don’t. While the concept itself is a fantastic idea, Awfully Nice Tours is charging over a $100 per person (discounts on group rates!) for this adventure, something you could easily organize yourself. Ditch the grotesque commercialization on this one and just take yourself on your own montage — run up the PMA steps, browse the Italian Market, jog along the Schuylkill, digest the American dream at Pat’s and explore City Hall. For a full list of walkable locations, just watch Rocky. Or Google it. But don’t surrender yourself to this exploitative drek; live Rocky with some friends, not strangers and tour guides.

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012 19

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ARTS

BEST OF

PHILLY

Staying in Philly this summer? From circus workshops and the Barnes Foundation to beer, beer and more beer, we’re giving you a to–do list that is guaranteed to keep you on your toes. BY LIN ZHENG 1. Barnes Foundation

2025 Benjamin Franklin Pkwy. Opening Weekend: May 26–28 Reserve your tickets online at www.barnesfoundation.org

Philadelphia’s main cultural concourse, Benjamin Franklin Parkway, is about to get even more awesome. Even if you’ve visited the original Barnes in Merion, this new building and urban location will guarantee a unique viewing experience that is fitting of the quality of this fantastic collection of works. With an abundance of Cezannes, Matisses and Picassos, the Barnes collection captures a transitional period in the history of art that paved the way to a future of what can only be called artistic bad–assery.

2. Philly Circus

Philadelphia School of Circus Arts 5900A Greene St. Intro to Aerials Workshop Sundays, 5:45–7 p.m. Register online at www.phillycircus.com $25 per session

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

Feeling flexible? Be bold and try out a muscle–toning activity that Pottruck doesn’t offer: aerials and circus workshops. You’ll probably start out by swinging around on ropes and silks, but by summer’s end, you’ll be performing graceful arabesques like a pro. And if you really want to live out your Cirque du Soleil fantasies, then let yourself be swept off your feet as you soar through the air on the flying trapeze.

3. Art for the Cash Poor Crane Arts Building 1400 N. American St. June 9–10, 12–6 p.m.

We know, you’re all mourning the fact that you can’t afford to squander your tuition money on your dream contemporary art collection. Well worry not, because InLiquid will be hosting their annual art bazaar, Art for the Cash Poor, on June 9 and 10. Not only will you get to mingle with a crowd of talented artists and marvel at their array of wares that range from paintings to fashionable jewelry, but you’ll also get to sample some new flavors from food trucks and jazzy tunes by local music groups.

4. Figure Drawing Workshop

Cambridge Street Studios 1524 Cambridge St. June 11–15, 10 a.m.–4:30 p.m. (with a half hour break for lunches) Register online at www.cambridgestudios.com

Tired of doodling unimpressive stick figures? Nurture your inner Leonardo and discover your pencil’s true potential by signing up for figure drawing, or, if you’re a little more advanced, figure painting, at Cambridge Street Studios. Hone your observational abilities and learn how to accurately depict the proportions of the body. If you’re a pre–med, this is a perfect opportunity to explore your awareness of human anatomy and all its underlying muscular and skeletal structure.

5. Philly Beer Week

June 1–10 Go to www.phillybeerweek.org to look up daily events and buy tickets in advance

In search of a new watering hole? Quench your summer thirst and celebrate Philadelphia’s claim to fame as one of the most diverse drinking cities in America during Philly Beer Week. The 10 days of festivities will enlighten your taste buds, introducing you to restaurants, taverns and breweries that only the cool kids go to. Let the boozin’ and shmoozin’ begin. Happy Almost Summer!

In the flurry of graduation excitement, maybe you forgot that renting graduation attire was even an option. Never fear — there are plenty of grown–up ways to reuse that little cardboard hat.

Sarah Meyohas

A bowl for hors d’oeuvres at your fancy yuppie “get–togethers”

An impromtu vase in your new unfurnished apartment.

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DIY: POST–GRAD

Check out an extended interview and images of Sarah Meyohas's photographs on her Artist Profile at 34st.com!

A bulletin board to remember all those great times at Penn

First base in your office softball tournament

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

A mousepad, because real people have desktops

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

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wearing black on Locust: From one curvy woman to another slightly curvier woman, black is indeed slimming…but it doesn’t work miracles. To the guy who lived in Speakman three years ago that I promised I’d have sex with under the Button my senior year: How’s next Thursday at midnight?

To my little: You are one HUP trip away from being their Foursquare mayor.

To the Indian ultimate frisbee player: Next time, I’ll let you score in both endzones.

To the football player I brought back to Quad: Looks like you caught more than just touchdowns this year.

To the chubby kid who masturbates in the Huntsman bathroom stalls: “Vigorous wiping” is only plausible for the first 10 seconds.

To the central staircase in College Hall: Thank you and 3rd floor classes for getting my ass into shape. To the girl I always see

To SPEC: You think you’re a Mr. Know–It–All, but all we wanted was A Moment Like This. Why didn’t you invite Miss Independent for Fling?

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

To our roommate who had sex on the kitchen table: There are some things you just don’t send out on the house textserv.

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To my friend who blacked out over Spring Break and screamed about her Grandma Roda: Jamaica will always remember how “she kept those ghetto kids in check.”

seat: Why you always To Theos seniors: wanna fall when I pee? Why do you all look squished? To my roommates: For the love of my jeans, To Micah: You’re a please stop baking! strong, black woman and you don’t need no To the Zeta junior who man. has been embezzling rent money all year: To whomever reserved That’s Nor–way to treat the 4th floor VP caryour friends. rel stacked with books about cinematography To the white girl in The and sex: What exactly Inspiration: Your on– do you wanna do when stage lap dance forced you grow up? me to cover mine. To Off The Beat: Your To the ladies in the concerts are becoming Pottruck bathrooms: more like Top 40 karaJust because you have oke with my family — your headphones on some music, but mostly dosn’t mean I can’t hear just a lot of awkward your pooing grunts. screaming. To the AEPi geniuses: To the bro next door Congrats on tHe Ex- who didn’t stop masTo Liz cellent gpAs. all the turbating despite our L.: Are you moThers will bE pRoud Shoutout last semester: still in TriDelt? of their jappy kidS! Thank you. Love, To our super lame To my Turkish Spruce housemate: It’s douchebag of a roomTo the gays who took over Shoutouts last se- getting hard to pretend mate: No wonder they we like you. mester: Seriously? You won’t let you asshalready have New York oles into the European and LA. WHAT MORE To the GA who flirted Union. with me after trying DO YOU To my roomWANT?! mate who I To the sometimes To the Penn Political TriDelt who fantasize talked to me Review managing editor about: Don’t for 15 minworry, it’s who thought she'd get utes about not weird… tanning at the dreams away with being a bitch Rush: You are all about to me during Rush: Do know I’m killing you. black, right? you get as many readers To the girl as Shoutouts? Love, Your To whomevwho sits er made up next to me favorite Lowbrow editor the language in my 9 requirement: a.m. class The only on Fridays: thing I am ever going to bust me for smok- Please stay away from to remember how to say ing pot: You may have open flames! You smell in Chinese is, “More smelled my weed, but combustible! dumplings!” you’ll never get to my To my paranoid roombush. To anonymous sources mate: Yes, I do hoard all in 34th Street features: To loud breathers: If the forks. We know exactly who you can’t quiet down, you are. maybe you weren’t To the girl in the elevator who I embarrassed meant to do it at all. To my Rodin toilet into admitting that she

highbrow ego food & drink music feature film arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012 24

looked familiar because she used to sleep with my roommate: I’m so sorry. I’m the reason why elevators should be uncomfortably quiet.

To the Russian girl see my face anywhere? low suite in Hill: Nine fireworks. I brought back from people committing hallTo my dick: Great job Smoke’s: Hooking up To the brothers at cest is nine too many. TEP: Sorry about steallast night. with you was like Coming your bong. But it’s To Highbrow: Either [Ed. Note: Peter?] munism. It made sense in good hands. Speakdiversify your material in theory, but in practice it was a fucking di- ing of hands…WHOA! or stop kidding your- To the people who live To my roommate who saster. self and just change the tied a plastic bag to her name of your section to below me: You blast the same song desk for vomit while To my Math 170 every day writing a paper the day teacher who alfor under after my 21st birthday: ways “forgets two minTo the boy who screamed at me outside You are a true friend. his calculator”: utes. Are That, sir, is why To my friend who YOU are in Math you afraid of McDonald's because I wouldn't sleep found me passed out 170. of people in his bed, vomiting on hearing with him: Thanks for embarrassing me his bathroom floor af- To the guy who you poop? in front of my favorite dining establishter getting kicked out told me “I am To the of a date party: Thanks gonna fuck the ment on campus. I literally can't take girls who for tucking me in, bro. shit out of you”: you anywhere. stand on You didn’t. I’m To the PiKapp who still constipated. the treaddecided to live in a mill while TriDelt house because To the girl in my texting: SorTabard/Theos Di- ry, but exercising he wasn’t frat frat frat: PSYC class who blows To my roommate: "The your That’s still not going to her nose into her sports FUCK YOU DUDE! gest." thumbs does not constiget you laid laid laid. bra: Do you secretly YOU ATE MY LAST To Professor Childers: tute a workout. stuff? FUCKING COOKIE. You are Winston To the AXO who made MY MOM MADE Churchill with a South- To our friend who music with Cazette: To Allegro’s: Thanks THOSE FOR ME, AS- ern twang and an infi- doesn't have enough House music doesn’t for not judging us when SHOLE! to go formal, nitely better sweater col- points mean bringing the DJ we order delivery. Love, but already asked her back to your house. Delancey Street. To my roommate: Sorry lection. date: Do more, then do about that. I just found the MERT Chief: less. To the guy who tried To my roommate: Sor- that cookie. I overreact- To I've considered getting To whom it may conbooty calling me via ry I ate all of your chick- ed. We're good. extra hammered just to cern: I'm sorry for bitFacebook Message at 3 en tikka while you were have you MERT me. ing you on St. Patty's a.m.: Did you “friend” having sex. But it was all To Penn Admissions: Feel free someone else when I ig- the spice I was going to Can you please start gloves off. to take the Day for not wearing nored you or spend the get this Fling. recruiting a few more green. Also, wear green night “poking” yourself? WASPs? Love, the Shik- To Zete: Your lack of a next time. To AXO: Don’t you find sas of Penn (all eight of petting zoo this year at To the ogre in AEPi: it slightly embarrassing us) the ZTA girls bitchFling further confirmed To You only have one layer that there’s a thread on ing their formal decline in rele- datesabout and it’s douchebag. your listserve with 30 To the SPEC Direc- your in Rodin: Have emails debating Grant tor who stole my box- vance. you, like, heard of this To the senior who Mellon’s haircut? ing helmet: You ruined To Penn: Cocaine is new downtown? It's looks like a mini–Taymy Fling Saturday, but not nor has ever been called Pottruck. lor Swift: Why can’t To the Beta Abercrom- probably saved my life. kosher. you seeeeeeeee, you be- bie model: Is refusing To anyone who might long with me. to cut your hair an act of To my roommate who To that "waspy" ZBT be shouting me out: defiance or do you just always leaves the door senior: The only thing Here's a preemptive To the FroGro employ- not read Shoutouts? open: I am going to kill than having a fuck you. ees who watched me [Ed. Note: Your haircut you…unless somebody worse Theos complex is having To the Lantern memeat a raw pizza in the needs a haircut.] beats me to it. an AEPi one, too. middle of the store at 2 ber whose pledge name a.m.: This is what a dry To my boyfriend: It To the girl I haven't To the future APES: is "Rack City Bitch": spell looks like. concerns me that every been able to stand since There’s already two off– Even your keg costume time I try to watch a Sex freshman year: 28 more campus frats for short couldn't hide those jugs. To the girl who got and the City episode, days. Jews with more ego than To my boyfriend of rejected from SDT, you complain to me that What’s your mar- 3+ years who graduPanhel, Omega, Friars, you’ve already seen it. To my friend who got looks. ket? Seniors for the Penn hit by a car: We all ated but (let's be real) Fund and everything To whoever cleaned up know it was parked, To the AEPi haters: is still reading 34th else: It’s you, not them. Franklin Field after Ti- dumbass. We can't hear you over Street every Thursday: esto: Did you happen to I love you to the Oort To the 2nd floor yel- our house music and

ride: Thanks for the photo. It's my background. To Bui's: Hemo says your sauce is just made of salad dressing and soy sauce. To the pretentious wannabe hipster in my English class: Why don't you stop talking and write a literary analysis on the fact that you wore a sweater vest as a muscle tee? To the girl who keeps posting Arrested Development quotes on her friend's wall: Please stop ruining the things I love.

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To every girl who updates her status with music lyrics: Why does it always have to be Death Cab for Cutie whether you're happy or sad? To the woman who works at the juice bar at Pottruck: I could burn 300 calories in the time it takes you to swipe my PennCard. To the overeager self–checkout attendant at the 40th Street CVS: Yes, I have an ExtraCare card. And no, I don't want to buy your nuts, even if they're only $1 today. To the senior in Mask and Wig who put "Foursquare Mayor of DP Dough" on his resume: I bet your Goldman interviewer was really impressed. To the freshman who threw me his Quad keys and walked away when I asked him to unlock a bathroom over Fling: I still have your keys! How can I find you? To the Real Le Anh's: After three years at Penn, I'm still not convinced. To the Theta who continued to fist pump as she was escorted out of the Quad on a stretcher during Fling: Will

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

Cloud and back. To the kid who had a bitch- alone have kept us supplied [Ed. Note: We took ASTR– ing Pringles mustache last all year. 001, too. You guys are stellar!] semester: Why'd you let the To the crazy Asian in Theta fun stop? who lost her tooth twice in To the Theta bitch in my To the girls who left us one semester: Hopefully you STAT class last semester alone in their house with can get someone to permawho spent every lecture access to all of their alco- nently bridge those gaps in writing her own name in hol: Thanks for the Southern your nights. a notebook and looking at Comfort! To the girl I hooked up pictures of herself on FaTo the self–proclaimed with at Tiësto: Your saliva cebook: Forget x bar and go "Launch Pad": Wanna get is out of control. You should back to the G Lounge. astronaughty? seriously see a doctor about To the TriDelt in my engithat…or your nearest Molly To my MKTG–278 profes- dealer. neering class: Th nks for sor: Your tramp stamp brings s ving the curve b by! a whole new meaning to per- To the soccer playsonal branding. er who flashed everyTo the girl who picked up a call from her dad during To the brave A's brother one on St. Patty's day: sex: I thought I was your that got sick on nicotine GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL! daddy… from trying to go smoke– To the kids studying in Van To Omega: You should OR- for–smoke with a Tabard Pelt during Fling: Even the DER yourselves some new pledge: Your face looked as security guards took some time to frolic in the sun while I apparel. The half–zips are green as her outfit. snuck in and peed. getting old. To whoever came to our To our sorority social chair: To Metro: When will you party, changed the channel to Cartoon Network Because you've slept with understand that a customer and then someone in base that pays $7 for a latte stole every fradoes not carry cash? our reternity, not To the junior who put a mote: even Mask To the mice running map of his "jetsetting" on Con& Wig Facebook while abroad: sider wants to around VP and the How have you traveled to so yourself mix with us many places but still never Dead, anymore. Quad: LIVEMAU5. managed to find your way Deadd, This is why out of the closet? and we can't Deadhave nice To the Skulls senior with a dy. things. crooked dick: Don't get too bent out of shape over this To the To peoShoutout. Kappa Sig bro who owns ple who use "casually" in more powder blue argyle inapplicable situations: To the TriDelts who sweaters than my grandma: "ka•zhu•al•ly: adv. not mewouldn't leave their house Oooh, vintage! We love it. thodically or according to during a carbon monoxide [Ed. Note: That is the ugli- plan"…which casually implies leak because, "Um, we like est effing sweater we have ever that you're using it wrong. had a lot of people over for seen.] a rush event": Rush or die To the Theos boy in my Tri–ing? To our sorority "sister" Spanish class: I thought your threatened to deacti- winter sniffles just meant you To the cashier at 7–11 who after not getting put had a cold. But it's four months who I see every morning: vate the floor during Rush: later and warm out. Allergies? I haven't introduced myself on know, sisterhood means To the Theta with the huge yet because I still want you to You keeping your word. call me "Dear." backpack who always slouches: Cheer up, Charlie. (And To the Ozstitute senior To the Wharton kids who sluts: The road to hell is lose your bangs?) constantly remind me that paved with yellow bricks. I'm in the College whenever To the massive ginge from I study in Huntsman: Shut To the Kappa Sig bros: Temple who stole my iPhone up. I don't constantly remind Three handles, one bottle of out of the back of my bra you that you transferred from Goldschlager and a box of during the Chancellor Day Nursing. Franzia later, your late nights party and took it for a joy-

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To the two girls whose bathroom window did not have blinds until To the Asian girl whose halfway through this seroom I woke up in na- mester: You showered us ked in the highrises: I with happiness. was just as surprised as you were. To everyone in my Queer Theory class: I To the guy who jumped love y'all open–minded onstage during the con- bitches! cert: Tiesto must've been all like, "I feel so close to To the freshman girl you right now…" who thought Ohio State's main campus was To the Castle boy who in Maine: Look up "hobounces at Smoke's: mophones." Your power trip is interfering with my underage To my Engineering TA: drinking. I wish you were my problem set so you'd be hard To my freshman year and I'd be doing you on roommate who thought my desk. she could secretly masturbate with an electric To the guy who gave me toothbrush: Bzzzzzz. permission to fuck his girlfriend: We've been To the people who or- doing it without your ganized an "alter egos" blessing for a year. BYO: Sucks that your normal selves suck. To the TEP bro who was unknowingly at a you go to formal with me?

gay pregame chatting up some "very friendly guys": We're sorry you don't have more of those in your fraternity. To MBAs who go to Smoke's: Did you know Kweder when he went here? To the 2 UA Exec members that boned in the UA office before their terms were up: Bill and Monica heartily approve. To the Omega Asian who ravaged our house looking for mixers: We're all out of Pepsi, but we have plenty of coke. To my neighbor on Pine that I can hear having sex: Whether you're yelling "Meow" or "Owww," you are clearly doing something wrong. To the two tiny people in our PV foursome: Ever

To the rower in my poetry class: Who would have To the frosh baseball thought your comments player who asked me to would be such strokes of leave my room so he'd genius? get it in with my roommate: From what I heard, To a certain all–female it's no surprise you used comedy troupe: You to play shortstop. don't have to be a variation on Mask & Wig. In To the kid who sat across fact, you'd be funnier if from me in the VP base- you'd just be Bloomers. ment, flossing his teeth: You missed a spot. To the guy who called me "the ginger on the To Theta: This is our loose" in Shoutouts two Shoutout about your years ago: I'm back, and Fling shirts. I'm coming for YOU! To the girl that looks To Owls: Less saxophone, away when I see her on more DJ Saxobeat. Locust: Just as a reminder of how we know each oth- To the Theta who er — we fucked. Twice. brought her unemployed trust fund boyTo the gassy vent on 34th friend on Spring Break: Street: I hate you. You We had more fun with make my glasses fog up and him on Spring Break than when I wear a dress, I feel we've had with you in four like I'm being violated. years. played Lincoln Logs?

The Rejects Runners–Up To Wawa: Your milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

To the bitch and her minions: FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK. you lost anyways.

To creepy kid in my econ lecture: take the frog helmet off man. seriously. it smells like the swamp from which you came. and another thing: call me love you lots muah

To Tiesto: OMG WHY DIDN’T YOU PLAY LEVELS?!?!

To the Buzz: Hahahahahahahahaha. HEY AEPI! SWEET CHEST HAIR!

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

To Black Vulture: stop eating the rubber off of my windshield wipers!

To Michael: in case you were wondering about the 400 emails you received, it was in fact my handiwork. If you think it was a waste of my time, let me tell you that it took about 2 minutes to accomplish. I sincerely hope you get some additional mental help soon, because your life is about to become a living hell. Enjoy the slores from my floor!! xoxoxoxo<3<3 Dear Axis Pizza: I know that you are secretly Allegros. Pizzagurlllll

To the guy who literally hit on me by smacking me with a baseball bat and claiming me in the name of America: that big yellow bat isn’t going to compensate for the little yellow thing in your pants. To the girl who is rude — literally: I thought you were my friend. You tricked me. Ow. To Olivia: I stalk your Facebook and laugh all the time. To the dude I DFMO on Friday: Hey. I just met you and this is crazy. I'll sign you in and fuck you maybe.

To my boyfriend: meow

To the girl who pissed on my chair while I was sleeping: I would have preferred if you did it in my mouth.

To "The Fratstar": the sex was subpar.

To yo momma: She fat.

To that gorgeous girl I see walking to class everyday: I want to introduce myself to you, and ask you out for a nice date downtown. I’d bring an expensive bottle of wine, and we’d have a really nice meal. We’d talk about our families, you’d bring up your childhood, and I my unresolved father issues. We would both agree how we’ve never felt closer to one another after one single dinner. I walk you to your dorm, and I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off of your smile; that smile that lights up even after my dumb jokes. In the blink of an eye our walk comes to an end, and I’d do anything to extend it. You invite me into your room, and we embrace. Neither of us have ever felt closer, our lips touch and sparks fly. We never want to let go, and then...I prematurely ejaculate. Damnit, nevermind.

To M.E.: sucks to suck, sorry, I'm not sorry.

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Shoutouts Submitted: 707 weird? Shoutouts Accepted: 150 Acceptance Rate: 21% Penn's Admission Rate 2008: 21%

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AEPi Tabard TriDelt &Theos 3

34TH STREET Magazine April 19, 2012

daddy

sophs freshmen

1916

the first Hey Day is celebrated with a "moving–up" ceremony and a series of inter– class competitions, as well as honor society inductions

1937

a procession through campus is integrated into the ceremony

HEY DAY

A HISTORY

1940

Hey Day almost cancelled due to student apathy

1943–46 Hey Day not held because of students fighting in WWII

1967

over 50 demonstrators wear gas masks during Hey Day to protest U's involvement in chemical and biological warfare research

1980s

juniors begin wearing red class t–shirts designed specifically for the event

1990

where do the hats come from?

Prior to Hey Day, the principal Spring celebration was Straw Hat Day. On the second Saturday of May, everyone would a group of students dress up and wear straw hats to the Penn vs. Princeton pour beer over President baseball game. Straw Hat Day was so widely accepted in Hackney, carry him out Philadelphia that no one in the city would wear a straw hat that day. of his office and drop before In 1949, the Friars Senior Honor Society introduced the red– him on the steps of and–blue–banded straw hats into the senior march, which College Hall was later integrated into Hey Day.

what about the canes?

The tradition of marching through campus with a cane most likely originated from a 19th century tradition of presenting juniors with Junior Class Canes — sort of like a class ring, but more impractical.