September 25–October 1, 2014 34st.com
september 25 LOL
3 HIGHBROW
LOWBROW
2014
This week I decided to try a new thing. As an OCR gift (likely a condolence gift), I received a small Moleskin notebook. Like, a really small one. Impractically small. But this is the type of notebook they presumably successfully sell in stores, so I challenged myself to come up with a practical use for it. I’ve heard that it can be a good thing to write from time to time—about your feelings, your ideas, your middle school crushes. I kept a diary at sleepaway camp, but for the most part, I’ve just never really been one to write without a purpose. But here I am with this elf ’s journal, so what better time to start? I decided that, at least for the nights when I’m functional enough to remember, I’m going to record one thing that made me happy and one thing I learned that day. So far, most of my happiness has been derived from food, but you have to start somewhere. And I’ve learned that “they” were right—you really do learn something new everyday. Even when I inevitably lose the tiny notebook, I think the lesson will remain: life is good right now. So good that every time I wake up, I can find joy in something and every time I go to sleep, I do it with just a little bit more knowledge. I hope I get to fill all of the pages and I hope that, somewhere out there, an elf isn’t missing his diary too much.
roundup, locust lexicon, word on the street
4 EGO
parks that are not college green, ego of the week
LOL
LOL
LOL
6 MUSIC
album reviews, songs at pottruck, penn inspired lyrics
8 FILM
guide to net neutrality
10 FEATURE
decriminilization of weed
13 FOOD & DRINK
streeeats, fall philly fun, fall food around the world
LOL
LOL
ELVESFROMTHEEDITOR
16 ARTS
THIS WEEK AT WRITERS' MEETING:
orgasm chronicles dispatch, ica opening, la colombe
18 LOWBROW
YOU.
lowbrow tackles all things bougie
20 BACKPAGE
6:30p.m. | 4015 'Nut
weed survey
34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief Patrick Ford-Matz, Managing Editor Abigail Koffler, Digital Director Margot Halpern, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Byrne Fahey, Assistant Design Ling Zhou, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Highbrow Emily Johns, Highbrow Ciara Stein, Ego Nicole Malick, Ego Alyssa Berlin, Food and Drink Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Clare Lombardo, Film and TV 2
Katie Hartman, Film and TV Alexandra Sternlicht, Features Julia Liebergall, Features Marley Coyne, Features Lucy Hovanisyan, Music Mark Paraskevas, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Adam Hersh, Lowbrow Ariela Osuna, Backpage Patrick del Valle, Backpage Sara Thalheimer, Copy Editor Orly Greenberg, Copy Editor
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Giulia Imholte, Senior Web Producer Diane Bayeux, Web Producer Rachel Rubin, Web Producer Cassandra Kyriazis, Web Producer Casey Quackenbush, Social Media Editor COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern COVER PHOTO: Sarah Tse BACKPAGE DESIGN: Ariela Osuna Contributors: Sam Rubenstein, Michelle Kim, Amanda Silberling, Joyce Pan, Ali Greenstein, Pallavi Wakharkar, Siyona Ravi, Adam Oelberg, Dani Blum
Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "Is medical marijuana free?" ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.
HIGHBROW
U ST LE OC
ON XIC N
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In the tradition of SABS, Highbrow defines the acronyms so hip, nobody's saying them. PILF: Professor I’d Like to Fuck Ex: My ARTH 206 professor is such a PILF, but I think he’s married.
HH: Huntsman Hunk Ex: Shit, did you see that HH in our finance recitation? Totally husband material.
AG: Amy Gutmann Ex: Can you take off your peacoat please? You look so AG right now.
GDD: God Damn Dependent Ex: He’s such a GDD. He can’t do anything without his brothers.
JBF: Jewish Best Friend Ex: I’m going to Long Island to spend Yom Kippur with my JBF and her family.
SAJ: See–and–judge Ex: We were SABSing all day yesterday. Let’s go SAJ at Frontera. Who eats Guac at 11a.m.?
WW: Wharton Wannabe Ex: She took Intro to Marketing pass/fail—what a WW.
THEROUNDUP Dear readers: you’re the Rosh Hashanah to our Yom Kippur. The new year brings a new Highbrow, and our gossip will be juicier than your apples and honey. But don’t be a schmuck—unless you want to be in the Round Up. Always be the life of the party—unless you weren’t invited. A group of drunk students stumbled over to City Tap House on Saturday, crashing two wedding receptions. The drinks were flowing, and one lonely boy enjoyed the open bar a little too much. The gin and tonics pushed him over the edge, and he puked on another party–goer’s leg. The drunkard quickly slipped away before anyone else noticed. Word to the wise: don’t show up if you’re going to throw up. Penn’s original Yente has a Jewish update for you: some pre–frosh visited the Orthodox community at Penn this past weekend. Their hosts hoped to give them a taste of Jewish life on campus, but it seems like a few visitors had too much wine at Shabbat. Sources tell us that up to three of the guests were MERTed during their stay. Next time you need someone to hold your yarmulke while puking, just challah at Highbrow. Desperate times call for desperate measures—what would you do to get into Apes’ paint party? One sophomore girl allegedly slept with a brother in order to obtain two wristbands for the annual event. Our friend left satisfied with her new arm candy…until she found out they were fake. Talk about getting fucked over. It seems like our friend could have used her sexual persuasion elsewhere, as Highbrow hears that the paint party’s hired bouncer was a little preoccupied himself. Bored of keeping the party exclusive, he had a local lady friend meet him for a make–out session. The duo proceeded to hook up for the remainder of the evening, and the professional bouncer completely ignored his job. In conclusion: Apes still isn’t exclusive. If you’re blacked out, don’t get locked out. One off–campus house called the police when they thought someone was trying to break down their door. Cop cars and officers rushed to the scene, only to find a drunk swim team member—breaking into his own home. An officer recognized him and asked, “Hey, didn’t I send you to the hospital before?” The swimmer responded, “Yeah, three times! Fuck you!” before slamming the front door. Please carbo–load before a night out, not just swim practice.
over heard PENN at
Asian SDT: If I learn Hebrew does that make me eligible for birthright? Theos boy: So let me get this straight: I’m in the best frat at the best party and academic school in the country...Does that make me the best person in the U.S.? Selfie queen: I want you to mupload so I can look at myself. SWUG: That kid can do lines better than anyone on Beige Block. We l l – m e a n i n g but tragically not self–aware A’s boy: It makes me sad to know that only 1% of people can be in the 1%.
wordonthestreet
THE WARMTH OF PRIVILEGE BY ADAM HERSCH
I have, over the course of the last few years at Penn, occasionally left my jacket behind at a party. It’s a huge pain in the ass. I can only imagine this problem is worse for people who frequent frat parties in nice clothing, so I sympathize with the motive behind the Frackit—a coat specifically for wearing out to frats—marketed and designed by two Penn students. The idea is that the Frackit is resilient, labeled and relatively inexpensive, so it’s hard to ruin or lose and less of a burden if tragedy does indeed strike. It’s a nice idea, so it’s a shame that the Frackit is less of a new product and more of a demonstration of some of the worst parts of Penn culture. Let’s start with the name—Frackit, which is short for “frat jacket.” Careful readers may note that jacket is spelled with an “e,” while Frackit is spelled with an “i.” Assuming the entrepreneurs behind the Frackit know this too, the name is clearly meant to sound like fuck it. The implication is that losing your Frackit wouldn’t be a big deal, because it retails for only $45. Given the rest of its marketing (the Urban Dictionary entry that the founders obviously wrote is especially fun), and the fact that all Frackits look exactly the same except for a tiny label, it’s pretty clear that the Frackit is meant to be lost. We’re supposed to think of it in the same way as a plastic water bottle; it’s fine if you want to hold onto it for future use, but that’s hardly the point. That is, to say the least, a fiscally irresponsible attitude to have towards a $45 article of clothing. It’s the attitude that says that as long as you can afford to waste something, there’s no reason to bother trying to preserve it, or in other words, the attitude of someone with more money than sense. That would be fine—parting fools from their money is pretty much the whole point of the fashion industry—except that this attitude is found all over the place at Penn, and it excludes people who don’t have the financial means to, say, throw away clothing. Which is, of course, the whole point. Everything about the Frackit—the explicit attempt to become a “frat brand,” the photos of undergrad “models” holding cups of alcohol, the launch party at Tap House—is meant to signal exclusivity. People aren’t buying Frackits because they want a durable, fashionable jacket at an affordable price. They can get that almost anywhere. People buy Frackits because they’ve got money and the right friends and they want you to know that their Thursday plans are better than yours. The Daily Pennsylvanian article on the Frackit notes that the founders turned to “family and friends for financial assistance” in starting the company. Of course they did. This is a product designed for people whose families can fund their startups and who genuinely can’t imagine life being any other way. The rest of us, presumably, can frack off. S E P T E M B E R 2 5 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
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EGO
IN SEARCH OF A BETTER
The grass is always greener (and the parks better) on the other side of the River. Schuylkill River Park
College Green
Where is it?: The center of campus, duh. Surroundings: 270˚of collegiate splendor, 90˚ of Van Pelt. People–watching: Stressed students, smoke breaks, maybe even a professor. Landmark: The Button. Nearest Food Option: Mark’s Cafe (avoid the sushi past 8p.m.). Final verdict: If you’re looking for a 10– minute filler between classes, this is obviously your best choice. But when midterms become overwhelming and you dread being anywhere near Van Pelt, you won’t get much R&R here.
Where is it?: 26th St. between Spruce and Walnut (just over the bridge). Surroundings: Skyline views of the city and trains passing through 30th Street Station. Landmark: The Schuylkill River. People–watching: Frisbee tossers, afternoon snoozers, skateboarders and bikers. Most importantly, the dog park is delightful. Nearest Food Option: World Cafe Live. While at night, it's a vibrant music venue, during the day it serves a delicious variety of burgers, seafood and quick bites. Final Verdict: The benches along the river provide an ideal spot to relax with friends. The park glows at sunset, so bring your significant other (or your platonically–significant BFF) and you’re guaranteed a romantic movie moment. Even when the weather outside gets frightfully cold, take a scenic detour through the park on your way to the Ice Skating Rink.
Washington Square
Where is it?: 6th and Walnut streets Surroundings: Independence National Historical Park, the St. James skyscraper and Independence Hall, where both the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution were adopted. Landmark: The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier: a statue of George Washington keeps vigil for the thousands of unknown Revolutionary War soldiers said to be buried in the square itself. People–watching: Hordes of tourists walking around with cameras hanging from their necks, and cute couples pushing babies around in strollers. Look out for the tortured artists as well— they can be seen perched on park benches, furiously sketching tree branches. Nearest Food Option: Head to Talula’s Daily (208 W. Washington Square) for delicious, wholesome, local food like chicken croquettes or spinach pie. Talula’s also has an extensive coffee bar with pastries and various freshly–squeezed juices. Final verdict: If you’re looking for a beautiful, calm park with lots of frolicking puppies, laughing children and some greenery—or if you’re just tired of SABSing around campus—visit Washington Square. Be sure to check out the clone of Philly’s only Moon Tree—its seed traveled to the moon and back.
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Dilworth Park
Where is it?: 15th and Market streets Surroundings: Skyscrapers and a steady rush of traffic, in the very center of Center City. Center–ception. Landmark: City Hall—the park sits at the base of the 100+ year old structure. People–watching: Young kids giggling and running through the water spouts, and people of all ages lounging at the colorful table and chair sets. Nearest Food Option: Rosa Blanca, the Garces restaurant, has a cafe outpost on–site at Dilworth offering Cuban sandwiches and salads and a variety of coffee options Final Verdict: When Dilworth is fully completed, it will be a unique urban park space. However, while it’s still under construction (the lawn is “coming soon”), it seems best suited for a pause during a busy day downtown. Your best bet? Check out their events info and go for a movie screening, a DJ performance or the upcoming Octoberfest to make your visit worth the trip. PALLAVI WAKHARKAR & SARAH FOX
EGO
EGOOF THE WEEK: SARAH LINDSTEDT
This Tri–Delta–Mortar–Boarder is beyond musically gifted: when she’s not singing with Penny Loafers or strumming chords on her guitar, she gets rhythmic in the Penn Samba drum ensemble. Fun fact—she once went a month without showering. Street: Tell us about Penny Loafers. Where do you perform? Sarah Lindstedt: We are a co– ed indie/pop/rock a cappella group…We’ve sung at Hard Rock Cafe and we do First Fridays downtown in Old City. We sang at Citi Field Mets Stadium, which was super cool... We do one big show at the end of each semester. Street: Where do you perform at First Fridays? SL: Honestly, it’s guerrilla style. We’ll go down to First Friday and we’ll find an empty street corner. One time we found this really weird alley that had really good acoustics and just started singing and people started crowding around. Street: You sing on your own too, right? SL: I sing and I write music... Before it gets cold, I want to go down to Rittenhouse and just play there for fun.
Street: When did you learn to play the guitar? SL: I’ve been playing music since I was four or five. I started
with the piano, then went to cello, clarinet...I played that for about seven years and in middle school one day, I came home and my mom had bought me a guitar for no reason. Street: What did you do this summer? SL: Meredith Stiehm, a Penn alum, is one of the executive producers and writers at Homeland, and she offered up this internship through Real Arts. I was kind of her assistant intern...so I was doing writers’ and production assistants’ work. Meredith also took me under her wing and I got to sit in the editing room. Street: Did you get to ride in a golf cart? SL: Yes! That is integral to the experience of working on a studio lot. Street: Give us a cheesy pick– up line. SL: The one that always makes me laugh is from How I Met Your Mother. Marshall gets super drunk and he’s slurring his words and he says, “Did you fall from heaven because have sex with me.” Street: There are two types of people at Penn... S L : Those who take the Smoke’s pretzel shot, and those who don’t know what they’re missing. Street: We don’t know what that is. *shame* Enlighten us. SL: It is the most delicious shot that Smoke’s has to offer that’s not on their menu. Street: What is it? SL: I...don’t know. It’s gotta be some sort of chocolate liqueur or something. It’s a mix of something! And then you get salt, and do the salt–licking thing, and take the shot
and it tastes like a liquidated, alcoholic, chocolate covered pretzel. Street: What would your superpower be? SL: To fly. I have so many vivid flying dreams...so vivid that, if humans had the ability to fly, I think I would know how to do it...The first five minutes after I wake up from the flying dreams I am convinced that I can do it. The come down is the worst. Street: Describe yourself in three words. SL: This is always my tagline for any social media presence: writer, baker, music maker. Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history who would it be and what would you drink? SL: I would love to share a beer with my grandma. She’s from Germany, she passed away a
couple of years ago...she and I were thick as thieves. Street: Who is your current celebrity crush? SL: Bradley Cooper speaking French. Street: When does he do that? SL: In French TV interviews. He is fluent! And it is so sexy. Google that. YouTube that. It will become your new celebrity crush. Oh, but then a girl crush? Cara Delevingne. She is bomb. Street: What’s your favorite drunk food? SL: Wawa meatball subs. With provolone and spinach and basil and a little bit of oil and a little bit of vinegar. Street: What’s the best thing you’ve ever found in a thrift store? SL: I should know this, I worked in a thrift shop...Oh, a wedding dress! Like a full–
blown wedding dress, veil, everything. And, I watched multiple people try it on. Street: What was the first concert you ever went to? SL: John Mayer during his Continuum tour. Ben Folds opened. I remember I was holding my mom’s hand and we were squeezing it whenever he would do something that was really sexy. Just like, “Oh my gosh.” Street: If you had a time machine where and when would you go? SL: I’d want to do New York in the ‘20s, like the whole Great Gatsby era...What’s the thing that character Jordan says in the Great Gatsby? “I love big parties, they’re so intimate.” I’d want to go to those intimate, large parties.
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MUSIC
t Here’s a peek of what your friends listen to as they exercise.
ALBUM REVIEWS
"THIS IS ALL YOURS" ALT-J
1) “Sweet Dreams” —Eurythmix Christian Delagarza, Class of ‘17 The song literally repeats the chorus for over a minute. I guess lifting really is a “sweet dream” for him. 2) “Enchanted”—Taylor Swift Shy Dan, Class of ‘18 He said it randomly popped up on shuffle. I’m calling bullshit. Although I prefer saving my T. Swizzle for after a break up, it’s totally fine if you’re connecting emotionally while playing ball. 3) “Yellow Brick Road”—Morgan Frazier Dylan Phillips, Class of ‘16 Yet another one who blamed it on a shuffling playlist. Lifting to a country love song basically shitting on boys really gets the juices flowing, huh? Invite me to the gun show later, please. 4) “Classical Italian” Darkhan Aitmaganbetov, Class of ‘15 It was so classical and so Italian, I couldn’t even understand the name or artist. But you do you, okay? 5) “Mirrors”—Justin Timberlake Jonathon Lao, Class of ‘17 Oh yes, JT totally makes me feel things. Too bad he was “on a water break.” I’m not sure if he was even working out, because no one ever looks that put together after sweating. JOYCE PAN
Philadelphia Magazine Best Boutique 2014 37 N.Third Street · Philadelphia, PA 19106 · 267-671-0737 vagabondboutique.com
Two years after “An Awesome Wave,” alt-J's back with a sophomore album, a slightly disjointed compilation of beautiful, experimental tracks. The beef of “This is All Yours”— sandwiched between three “Nara” songs that capitalize on the band’s raw instrumentals and unsettling sound—is dominated by the three previously released singles: “Every Other Freckle,” “Left Hand Free” and “Hunger of the Pine.” The black sheep of the family is “Garden of England,” which sounds like it was pulled from a Jane Austen book–to–film adaptation. Despite this, it demonstrates the diversity of sound alt–J creates, something that can still be said for their whole repertoire. GIULIA IMHOLTE
“FROZEN THRONE” GROUNDISLAVA
Groundislava’s third album, “Frozen Throne,” attempts to drag you into a magical cyber world. With songs like “The Descent,” “October Acid” and “A Way Out,” one feels trapped inside a childhood video game. This grows repetitive as an excess of synths tend to overpower the tracks. Rare Times (the electronic duo) creates an even cheesier feel through ambiguous, nonsensical lyrics like “is that really you standing before me, can we tie to reality” in “Feel The Heat” that drowns out Groundislava and sounds strikingly similar to bad Mike Posner love–pop. “Frozen Throne” brings you back to your childhood, but you realize there’s a reason why you don’t play those old games anymore: they sucked. The album, however, is the most cohesive body of work he’s made, and “Terminate Uplink” is one of the few tracks worth listening to. MICHELLE KIM
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Grade: B+ Download: “Warm Foothills” Best When: LING001 makes you want to decode lyrics that no one can understand.
Grade: C– Download: “Terminate Uplink” Sounds Best When: Getting pumped for your Dance Dance Revolution tournament at the arcade next to Copa.
MUSIC
Tired of hearing “Turn Down For What” every Saturday night? We’ve got you covered. Here are some vaguely Penn–related songs to give your next throwdown some Quaker spirit. Hurrah, hurrah, Pennsylvania (Note: We cannot confirm that these songs will be effective at parties). 1. “All are not huntsmen who can blow the huntsman’s horn.” (“Squonk” by Genesis)
If you floorcest in the Huntsman Residential Program in King’s Court, then I guess you might “blow the huntsman’s horn.”
2. “For the quadrangle sang to the sun/ And the grace of our feeling.” (“First Episode at Hienton” by Elton John) Remember when you moved into the Quad and Instagrammed Memorial Tower to make all your friends back home jealous?
3. “I hate the Quad/Don’t wanna learn nothing/I want to be a slob.” (“Cool To Hate” by The Offspring) … and then there’s the night before your first midterm.
4. “And Benjamin Franklin/Your girlfriend is into them gangstas/And me being a gangsta/I get into your girlfriend.” (“The Other Side” by Lil Wayne) We’re personally offended. You mess with Ben’s girl, you mess with us. Take note, SPEC: we know who we don’t want at Fling this year.
5. “Do you even know what a Wawa is, girl? Do you even know what a Wawa is?” (“Pennsylvania” by Bloodhound Gang) High school students on overnight visits trying to crash your party? Bloodhound Gang has got you covered.
6. “At the Copa, Copacabana/The hottest spot north of Havana.” (“Copacabana (At The Copa)” by Barry Manilow) Well, University City certainly is north of Havana (Don’t lie, you knew this was coming).
7. “I go to Penn, you think Penn State’s wilder/Take you to Van Pelt, you become Van Wilder.” (“UPenn Girls” by Hoodie Allen) Finally, an alum with a bit more swag than Elon Musk. Why aren’t we blasting this down Locust? This is an anthem. Hurrah for the red and the blue.
AMANDA SILBERLING
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A WAWA IS, GIRL? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A WAWA IS?
This and more important questions answered at (the brand spankin' new) 34ST.COM. S E P T E M B E R 2 5 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
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FILM & TV
'
F&TV breaks down the trendiest issue in the whole World Wide Web.
KATHERINE HARTMAN
Net Neutrality: A definition Net Neutrality is the concept that all internet data has to be treated equally by service providers, no matter who created it or what it is. This principle is one of the key reasons that internet startups can seriously compete—and be successful (think Facebook back in the Myspace days).
So, why is this controversial? In the last year, the Federal Communications Commission’s (FCC) been faced with a proposal that essentially ends net neutrality. It suggests a multi–tiered system, in which certain sites and companies can pay internet providers for priority treatment and entrance into the new “fast lane.” If you're wondering why the FCC is bothering to consider the change in the first place, you should know it is legally obligated to. Verizon sued the government, and then the court basically told the FCC that it has to figure this shit out.
Have I heard about this before? Well, if you’re really into telecommunications law, then you’ve definitely read about this one in section 706 of the Telecommunications Act of 1996. If your nerdiness takes its form elsewhere, then you might’ve heard about net neutrality over the past few months, since there’s been a huge debate about it going on since April. Most likely, you saw John Oliver’s hilarious and impressively fact–checked clip explaining net neutrality from his HBO show “Last Week Tonight.”
Team Net Neutrality A diverse cast of characters has rallied together in support of net neutrality. Most internet giants (Netflix, Facebook, Amazon, Google, etc.) have joined the usual freedom hippie activists, throwing up their support for the rule that essentially birthed them. Basically this team is like, why can’t everyone just metaphorically drive together? Why fix what isn’t broken? Why is the internet always compared to a highway?
Team Two–Speed Highway Not surprisingly, the people who think the two–speed highway system is super great (okay, they don’t call it the two–speed highway for real) provide your internet: the cable companies. So basically, just Time Warner Cable, Comcast, Cox, Verizon and AT&T. Net neutrality is the only thing holding them back from charging websites massive fees for premium speeds or really any service at all. Get rid of net neutrality, and why wouldn’t the cable guys charge for the high–speed service? What about those people who can’t pay? Why not slow down their speeds just enough to convince them to pay up?
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Is this political? Isn’t everything political? According to the Center for Responsible Politics, Comcast has spent almost 19 million dollars in lobbying for their cause in the last year. So, cable companies use money to lobby, and they employ people as professional lobbyists. One of these people is Tom Wheeler—well, one of those people was Tom Wheeler. That was before Obama picked him to be the chair of the FCC last May. If you’re in the mood to get angry about this, you should know that 30 other countries pay less for internet than us. Estonia is one of those countries.
FILM & TV
And, yes, people are actually protesting… Two Wednesdays ago (9/10) was a big day for internet activism, and not just online. This is yet another example that people fucking love combining their rights of freedom of assembly and freedom of speech (or maybe it's just a sign that people have way too much time on their hands). About 50 activists gathered outside the Comcast headquarters in Center City in support of net neutrality and in opposition of Comcast’s potential merger with Time Warner Cable (talk about putting hotels on the blue spaces). Rallies also went down in NYC and Chicago. Online, Wednesday was dubbed “Internet Slowdown Day,” during which tons of websites, including big names like Kickstarter, Reddit, WordPress and our personal favorite Netflix, put animated loading signs all over their sites with information about the current threat to net neutrality.
And more importantly, what does this have to do with me? Net neutrality affects everything you do online. Yes, even your porn–watching. So unless loading wheels and slow downloading speeds really turn you on, getting rid of net neutrality will somehow negatively impact your time online. If you happen to have dreams of your own internet startup, maybe it’s time to sell your soul and do some OCR instead. If you have dreams of inheriting Daddy’s cable company fortune or becoming the next Tom Wheeler, then maybe getting rid of net neutrality would actually help you in the future. And if you fit into neither of those categories, you’re a normal person who might have to waste a little more time or money to surf the interweb.
Now what? The FCC was taking comments from the peanut gallery until last Monday (9/15). Three million people wrote or called in. It’s hard to guess what will happen, but the commission needs to decide by the end of 2014. For now, we recommend cherishing how quickly you can hit that “next episode play” button and have your wish granted—the fairy godmother of the internet might be dead pretty soon.
STAY ON CAMPUS What does this have to do with Film and TV? Well, first of all, the lovely companies that control your internet also control your TV, if you have one. And for those of you who haven’t seen a TV since you lived at home this summer, net neutrality affects your TV consumption even more. Maybe you saw the aforementioned fake loading wheels on Netflix last Wednesday. Yeah, they’re pissed—and not alone. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu and especially your favorite illegal sites are all going to suffer if net neutrality isn’t protected. If you think Hulu’s current partnerships with cable companies are annoying, things are about to get a whole lot worse. And one of four things will happen if this anti–net neutrality proposal goes through: 1) You will spend many an hour looking at the rainbow spinning wheel of death (ain’t nobody got time for that). 2) You’ll have to pay or pay more for the streaming services you already use ($8.99 per month never sounded so cheap). 3) You’ll give up and buy a TV and cable like people in the Middle Ages (and support the companies that put you in this situation to begin with). 4) You’ll stop watching all your favorite TV shows and just read the online recaps at 34st.com (just kidding...we can't afford cable either).
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veryone smokes and everyone knows that everyone smokes,” says a Penn sophomore and Philly native over breakfast at Metro. Whatever you want to call it—marijuana, weed, pot, dope, MJ, ganj—Penn students are doing it. In a 2014 Street survey of over 650 students, 39% of respondents admitted to smoking regularly. For the past four years, possession of up to an ounce of marijuana has been considered a criminal offense in Philly, punishable with a fine of up to $500, a record of the arrest and the possibility of 30 days in jail. For everyone concerned, there’s good news. Starting October 20th, decriminalization will make the possession of up to one ounce of marijuana subject to a $25 ticket— with no arrest or criminal record. Sounds dank, right?
wo summers ago, Amanda*, a junior from Philadelphia, ventured out to the Jersey Shore with some of her friends for a break from summer classes. After a day out in the sun, they rolled a joint and smoked in the car. A bike cop approached the parked vehicle and quickly guessed they were getting high. On top of that, Amanda had an eighth of an ounce of pot in her purse. Her friend in the backseat had a quarter. Amanda and her friend were handcuffed and brought to a police station where their mugshots were taken.
Amanda recalls, “I was freaking out that this was going to be on my permanent record—that I was never going to be able to get a job, that my life was over.” Amanda was put on conditional dispatch—a year of probation—during
which she could be randomly drug tested at any time. She looks down and confides, “It would’ve ruined my life if I fucked up.” Amanda is an exception. Penn students rarely go to prison; leaves of absence aren't to be spent behind bars. But outside of the Penn bubble, marijuana–related arrests happen all the time—and a stint in jail is a very real possibility. The stakes on campus are markedly lower. The 16% of students who cop to smoking everyday will see the effects of decriminalization play out in a very different way than other Philadelphia smokers. Sophia*, a senior in the College and regular smoker, sits cross–legged on her couch in her off–campus house. She says, “I don’t remember a time when I would be out [and] dealers were not around. That doesn’t happen. There’s a web that just supplies, and supplies, and it is perfect.” This network isn’t made up of stereotypically menacing meth– addicts who dropped out of high school. These pot dealers are students you see at Smoke’s or who lived in your freshman hall. Sophia’s roommate, a senior named Alan*, plops down on the couch. Fresh from Pottruck, he jumps into the conversation: “I’ve also never had a sketchy experience getting weed here. I’ve never felt uncomfortable. At home, you have to drive somewhere and you don’t know who it is [you’re meeting]. Whereas here, it’s people you trust.” With decriminalization, that might not be the case anymore. rofessor Emily Owens, who teaches in Penn's Criminology department, argues that decriminalization could bring more police scrutiny to the supply side of the illegal marijuana market. “One of the goals of decriminalization is to allow police to shift their resources to crimes we consider more of a social harm.” She pauses. “One of which [is] selling marijuana illegally.” According to Professor Owens’ argument, police officers will now begin to focus less on the consumers. Now pot smokers have a lower threshold to pay for the product. Dealers, on the other hand, “have a higher cost of doing business,” she concludes. “In theory, they’re going to de-
F E AT U R E
mand higher prices for their good.” Right now, marijuana on campus has a standardized market price—retailing for about $50 for an eighth of an ounce (3.5 grams) and $100 for a quarter (7 grams). If Owens is correct, these prices will get higher as Penn does the same after October 20th. But income's not the reason that many campus drug dealers got into the business. Lauren*, a senior at Penn, started selling her surplus weed to her friends to save herself some money. She explains, “The average person only buys an eighth [of an ounce] at a time. But then again, I’m not the average person and would like more than that. And it’s smarter to buy in bulk because you get it cheaper.” Furthermore, some dealers know they can be the most convenient option. Sam*, a pot dealer from California, says, "I live near the center of campus. People call me like, 'Hey, I’m by Huntsman right now coming out of class, are you home?’” According to pot smokers interviewed, the majority of on–campus dealers get their supply from California, vacuum–sealed and shipped by USPS or FedEx to their doorstep. More cautious dealers venture out to South Philly to pick up the package. But Sophia didn’t get her weed from Lauren or Sam. Instead, she outsourced. Her old dealer—not a student— would knock on her door at the Radian. “[He was] the best,” she laughs. “He had a punch card so you would get the tenth one for free.” What happened to him? “He’s in jail,” she responds.
nother weed dealer on campus, who refused an interview, explicitly stated that “decriminalization will not have an effect on the business or on those who smoke.” Taking the opposite opinion, a Wharton professor, who chose to remain anonymous, reiterating that decriminalization will increase casual smokers’ demand for weed, because they will face fewer legal repercussions.
With casual smokers wanting more pot, students need better education on healthy drug use. Perhaps that conversation on safe smoking should follow the safe sex approach: people are going to do it anyways. Teach them how to protect themselves. There must be a middle ground between abstinence and ignorance, between the blatant condemnation of drug use and its vehement promotion. In light of decriminalization, Penn and its students could take the opportunity to reprioritize and reevaluate the school’s attitude towards weed.
As a result of decriminalization, support for weed use will likely increase even more. Unsurprisingly, it’s already hard to find weed opposition on campus. If anything, people seem to be indifferent. In Street's anonymous survey, only 7% of respondents said they were against marijuana use. Amanda says that’s not necessarily the case. “It’s a spectrum,” she explains. “There are definitely some people who do experiment with other drugs. Some of them do hard, scary drugs and don’t smoke weed at all.” But, of course, there are some people who do start with weed and then trade up.
When someone wants to try a harder drug, like cocaine or prescription meds, the first person they'll ask is probably their weed dealer. No one knows this better than Lauren. "When I was selling, people would text to ask me for other drugs,” the former dealer notes. “They had no other reason to believe that I sold [hard drugs] beyond the fact that I sold a little bit of weed." Professor Owens knows that buying weed informs other behavior, but not the behavior of addiction. She comments: "The true gateway effect of marijuana is that you learn how to use illegal markets.”
hile decriminalization is a reality, legalization is still a pipe–dream. But medical marijuana is on its way to retail spaces in Center City. On Monday, the Republican–controlled Pennsylvania state Senate voted 43–7 in favor of a bill titled the Compassionate Use of Medical Cannabis Act, championed by Democratic state senator Daylin Leach. Calling from his Harrisburg office, Senator Leach notes that according to the act, age will not bar patients with a demonstrated medical need from receiving a medical marijuana license. When asked if people would abuse medical marijuana, Senator Leach responds, “You always have the possibility. Those are possibilities with any medicine." For some students interviewed, the option of purchasing marijuana at a legal and local dispensary is much more attractive than acquiring it illegally. Convenience will cease to be a selling point for on–campus dealers. According to Amiyr Jackson, the president of Penn Democrats, legalization would be ideal if weed was then sold in dispensaries below market price, thus cutting out illegal dealers—our peers and larger–scale dealers alike. He explains, “You start putting all those people out of business.” With that slice of the black market out of the picture, maybe, we change the conversation to one about harder drugs. Ariela Osuna is a junior studying architecture and urban real estate and development from Tijuana, Mexico. She is the current Backpage Editor and former Music Editor for 34th Street Magazine. *Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of students.
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S E P T E M B E R 2 5 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1
F E AT U R E
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FOOD & DRINK
WELCOME TO FALL PHILLY IN FALL: EDIBLE EVENTS Put down that pumpkin spice latte and pick up your Google cal. 1. Franklin Square Pumpkin Patch
6th and Race streets For one day only, Franklin Square becomes home to a pumpkin patch. Starting at noon on October 18th, pumpkins are up for a–picking for only three hours (but we’ll take what we can get). After shooing the elementary schoolers away from your prized pumpkin, take a three hour nap or lunch at SquareBurger (200 N 6th Street) and get back out there for a round of Spooky Mini Golf at 6 p.m.
ticket–only brunch begins at 10 a.m. and then from 12 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. the event is open to ev eryone. For $47, you have access to an unlimited amount of the 90 different pumpkin beers, cocktails and food from the outdoor food station. Six and a half hours, 90 beers? Challenge accepted.
5. Midtown Village Fall Festival
13th And Chestnut streets All of the midtown restaurants you feasted at this Restaurant Week will be serving food TOGETHER at this festival on October 4th. Live entertainment, shopping and local beer make this festival a must for everyone not hangry at temple on Yom Kippur. ALI GREENSTEIN
2. Linvilla Orchards
137 W Knowlton Rd, Media PA Despite being a long(ish) ways away from campus, Linvilla Orchards is definitely worth the trek. Every day, the orchard’s website lists the crops available for picking, often offering over 10 different produce varieties. The orchard is open daily from 8 a.m. to dusk. In addition to fruit and vegetable picking, there are hayrides, a pumpkin patch, a farmers market and a bakery.
BEER AND FOOTBALL:
3. Spruce Street Harbor Park until September 28th
Spruce Street Harbor Park offers the perfect romantic fall destination. Due to popular demand, the park is remaining open an extra week following Fall Fest. This pop–up park is decked out with hammocks, lily pad gardens, a fire pit, food and drink stalls and more until September 28th. It’s the perfect place to eat your heart out decked in cozy fall sweaters with a date or a friend.
4. Institute Bar Pumpkin Beer Festival
12th and Green streets Who knew Philly was home to the biggest pumpkin beer festival in the world? The Institute Bar is holding its 6th Annual Charlie Brown Pumpkin Beer Festival on October 4th. An exclusive
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FOOD & DRINK
FALL FOODS AROUND THE WORLD A trip around the world to look at fall cuisine.
Iran
The food: Pomegranate seeds The significance: In ancient Persian culture, pomegranate was the symbol of fertility. These days, pomegranate is still cultivated in Iran. Since its peak season is October to February, it is traditionally integrated in a variety of Persian dishes during fall. Recipe: Khoresht Fesenjan A sweet, flavorful (albeit unattractive) stew served over crispy Persian rice with chicken, lamb or, atypically, tofu. Where to get pomegranate in Philly: Try Trader Joe’s, farmers’ markets (such as Clark Park or Rittenhouse) or Iovine Brothers at Reading Terminal Market. Where to get Persian cuisine in Philly: Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly, since there isn’t a large Persian community in Philly), Iranian restaurants are few and far between. Without trekking to the suburbs, you can try Persian–esque food at Middle Eastern restaurants like Ariana (134 Chestnut St, Old City) or the Afghani Kabul (106 Chestnut St, Old City) for similar meats, dishes and spices.
Scotland
The food: Parsnips The significance: The early fall is when root vegetables begin to grow in abundance in Scotland. Parsnips are especially versatile and important because they serve as a hearty base for late–fall or winter comfort dishes. Recipe: Curried Parsnip Soup A warm, comforting soup with some spicy Indian flavors thrown in for extra depth. Where to get parsnips in Philly: This vegetable should be available in most farmers' markets in the upcoming weeks, when most supermarkets begin to carry it as well. Where to get Scottish cuisine in Philly: Philadelphia happens to have a large number of Scottish pubs and bars in the area. St. Declan’s Well is just a few blocks off campus right before the Walnut Street Bridge. If you’re looking for more upscale “pub style” food try The Dandelion in Center City (124 S 18th Street)
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France
The Food: Pears The significance: Apples and pears are the staple fruits that begin popping up around France in the fall. The French find eating seasonally very important and constantly change their menus to reflect what produce they can find locally. Recipe: Pear Tarte Tatin This traditional french dessert is made with sliced pears that are dipped in sugar and caramelized before being baked upside–down on pastry dough. Where to get pears in Philly: Thankfully for Americans, this delicious fruit is readily available in most farmers' markets and supermarkets around the country. Where to get French cuisine in Philly: There are plenty of restaurants that specialize in french bistro cuisine. La Creperie Cafe (1722 Samson St) serves up delicious french desserts including Tarte Tatin, and there is always Parc (227 S 18th St) if you are looking for a traditional french culinary experience.
FOOD & DRINK
Serbia
The food: Red peppers and eggplant The significance: Red peppers and eggplant are two of many members of the nightshade family traditionally grown in the Serbian countryside. The peak harvest for both is in the early fall; much of Serbian fall and winter cuisine is built around using and preserving these plentiful vegetables. Recipe: Ajvar Ajvar is a Serbian fall staple that incorporates roasted red peppers, eggplant, garlic, olive oil and vinegar into a smoky–savory spread. It's equally delicious slapped on a hunk of bread or coupled with roasted meat and fried cheese. Where in Philly to get red peppers and eggplants: Quality, locally grown red peppers and eggplants fill produce stalls at almost every farmers' market in Philly this time of year. For the lazy, roasted red pepper and eggplant spreads similar to Ajvar are common at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Where in Philly to Get Serbian Cuisine: Jovan’s Place at 2327 East York Street in the Kensington neighborhood serves authentic Serbian cuisine with portions that would make Joey Chestnut blush. The Balkan Express at 2237 Grays Ferry Avenue, just a few blocks from the Schuylkill River Park, also offers a number of traditional Serbian dishes.
Georgia (USA)
The Food: Wild Game The Significance: Here at Penn, squirrels are more likely to stalk us for food than the other way around, but elsewhere in the country, the beginning of fall signals the start of hunting season. All kinds of critters are up for grabs—even squirrels. The recipe: Brunswick Stew The spirit of Brunswick stew is that there is really no single way to cook it up. You will always find the essentials: tomatoes and corn, along with a mix of other vegetables. After that, there are really no rules, especially when it comes to the meat. Though usually served with pork, chicken or beef, all kinds of game can end up in there, including squirrel, rabbit and even possum. Where can find wild game in Philly: Leave some Lucky Charms on your windowsill and let them come to you. Or go to D’Angelo Bros. in the Italian Market for anything from rabbit to kangaroo. Where in Philly to get Brunswick stew: If you aren’t feeling very culinary and are looking to find some of this hearty stew right here in Philly, you won’t even have to leave Penn’s campus. Baby Blues BBQ serves Brunswick stew that they claim to be "straight from Georgia.” Squirrel chunks probably not included.
#STREEEATS Because everything’s better with pumpkin…
PUMPKIN BLONDIES Ingredients: 1/2 cup butter, melted 1 egg 3/4 cup pumpkin puree 1 cup brown sugar 1 tablespoon vanilla 2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice 1 teaspoon cinnamon 1 1/4 cup flour 1/4 cup chocolate chips Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Melt butter in microwaveable bowl. Combine egg, pumpkin puree, brown sugar, vanilla and spices with butter and whisk until fully incorporated. Add flour and combine. Finish off by mixing in chocolate chips and pour mixture into a 8x8 inch pan. Smooth out the top and sprinkle on a few more chocolate chips. Bake for 30–35 minutes, or until fully set. Cut up and be the new favorite among your friends.
Contributors: Nicole Malick & Sam Rubenstien
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SO YOU THINK YOU WANNA BE A JOURNALIST? Here’s what you missed at the Kelly Writers House Careers in Journalism and New Media Conference:
DANI BLUM
Stephen Fried, Moderator Why you should be impressed: Fried was the Managing Editor for Street before working for Philadelphia magazine, where he served for two years as Editor–in–Chief, and wrote for national publications including Vanity Fair, GQ and Rolling Stone. He is also the two– time winner of the National Magazine Award. Fried now writes non–fiction books and teaches at Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. Best quote: “Every era has said that it’s all over. It’s not over...It’s a selective field, it will always be a selective field. Anyone who tells you it’s all over is wrong.”
Melody Kramer Why you should be impressed: After writing a column for the DP and working for the Punchbowl, Kramer won a fellowship at NPR. She now works there as an editor and digital strategist. Best quote: “It’s okay not to get a job in journalism right away...There’s no right way to do this. There’s no wrong way to do this.”
DISPATCH:
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Sabrina Rubin Erdely Why you should be impressed: After serving as the Managing Editor for Street, Sabrina started working for Philadelphia magazine right after graduation. Her work has appeared in SELF, GQ, The New Yorker, Mother Jones, Glamour and Men’s Health, among others. She currently contributes to Rolling Stone. Best quote: “I worked a year for free. I was waiting tables. My overnight success story wasn’t glamorous at all.”
7:15 p.m.: Enter into tiny art gallery. We help ourselves to some English Breakfast tea. 7:32 p.m.: There are 20 people in the audience, only two spots left. No choice but front and center. 7:33 p.m.: Shit. We’re committed. 7:35 p.m.: We’re definitely the youngest here. 7:36 p.m.: Program includes a $50 off coupon for “Orgasmic Meditation (OM) Workshop.” What did we sign up for? 7:37 p.m.: Pull out pens to keep tally of people who came just to say they came. Looks like it’s just us. 7:39 p.m.: Six middle–aged people, dressed for their high school prom, take a seat on stage. 7:40 p.m.: One of the performers is a small, middle–aged blonde woman with a shrill voice. She won’t stop shivering in her seat. Her anxiety is giving me anxiety. 7:42 p.m.: Act 1: Desire begins 7:43 p.m.: First man begins to vent explicit sexual frustrations. 7:46 p.m.: He’s yelling about
Maria Popova Why you should be impressed: Maria runs the Brainpickings, a site that fuzes her insight on “forgotten books” with lessons on how to live a meaningful life. She started Brainpickings as a junior at Penn, when she wrote a newsletter that she sent to seven friends. She now has seven million readers a month. Best quote: “A good writer’s job is not to know, but to wonder.”
pussy now. 7:53 p.m.: I think we’re supposed to be turned on? 7:54 p.m.: Women on stage begin to moan.
juxtaposition with her frank discussion of her “quivering clitoris”. 8:25 p.m.: Homegirl in the violet prom dress is still moaning.
7:57 p.m.: Act II: OM 7:58 p.m.: Woman in violet prom dress opens with scene: Synchrony. Expresses her need to synchronize her body with another man’s penis. 8:00 p.m.: Proceeds to moan. 8:02 p.m.: Still moaning. Louder. 8:08 p.m.: Draws a chorus of moans from the back. They’re having it. We’re not.
8:27 p.m.: Act IV: Connection 8:27:30 p.m.: More like lack thereof. 8:31 p.m.: Attempt to get into this foiled by eye contact with old man. 8:34 p.m.: Direct quote: “Perfect matches: Romeo and Juliet, peanut butter and jelly, my mouth and your pussy”. 8:35 p.m.: Wait, what? 8:42 p.m.: Performers take a bow, for the well–deserved round of applause. 8:45 p.m.: Host offers to stay back and answer questions about upcoming Orgasm Meditation Workshops in the Philadelphia area. We bolt out the door. 8:45:02 p.m.: Young hipster couple sitting next to us follow suit.
8:12 p.m.: Act III: Beast 8:21 p.m.: Two scenes in and figured it out. Beast = penis. 8:22 p.m.: Trying to sit as still as possible. Can they detect our discomfort through our complete avoidance of eye contact? 8:23 p.m.: Small shivering blonde—the only one as nervous and out of place as us— quivers as she goes into explicit detail of her vagina. Conclusion: 8:24 p.m.: Her Ann Taylor We’re never having sex again. sweater and thick–rimmed glasses present an interesting SIYONA RAVI & ADAM OELBERG
ICA FALL EXHIBITIONS Fall is tiptoeing its way into our world, and so is the ICA.
ARTS
Read the rest of this article @34st.com
DIANE BAYEUX
Last Friday, the ICA had its grand opening reception to celebrate the fall exhibitions of Nicole Eisenman, Moyra Davey, Alex Da Corte, Jayson Musson and Ridykeulous, attracting a distinctive crowd of wanderers to revel in all its patterns, plaids and dark materials. But whether the crowd was of artists or just people who wanted to SABS as part of the Philadelphia art world, a clear history of all human beings’ whereabouts stood before each and every one of them. The ICA is free and for everyone. Inside, it presents a full spectrum of work, with a terrace aligned with beanies smoking, long coats dangling and people wondering if it’s cool to dance to the beats playing in the background—all battling for the last cup of wine or bottle of beer.
The species of Woody Allen–wannabes settles for Nicole Eisenman and her vision of the human being. It’s abstract. It’s absurd. It adds animal forms to facial features and distorts body parts. She spins her view on social dinners and gatherings, bringing an anthropological ensemble of modern times. Others will find comfort in the “Ridykeulous” series, a collection of emotionally–charged correspondences criticizing the art world. Feminists will appreciate its stance on what it is to be a female artist. The collection includes a painting of a Juliette Lewis–looking woman with a male sex organ emanating from the picture, perhaps hinting at the idea that it requires “balls” to be a woman in this world.
Other artists, like Morya Davey, used their art to recognize the power of modern digital media. She defies the influence of media in our lives in order to teach us how to focus on the fragments in our lives. The passenger next to us in the subway. The cigarette butts sitting on the floor from smokes we shared earlier. The unfinished books we leave on our bed in the morning. She reminds us to slow down. On the same floor “Easternsports” plays a four–channel soap opera supposedly representing the visual aspect of a depthless Tumblr and a surface–level Twitter conversation. The channels showcase the absurdity on both forms of media with an account named “Sex With Grape-
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE: THE LA COLOMBE RENOVATION
Earlier this week, the period of darkness and chronic fatigue marked by La Colombe’s month long renovation–related closure ended. The Rittenhouse Square coffee shop and Philly institution reopened its doors to deprived caffeine junkies—Street included—revealing the shop’s entirely overhauled interior design concept. Can you spot the differences?
Caj Bohemian vibes Funny–bad local art on the walls Orange walls that look like the product of a half–finished paint job attempted by five–year–olds Character
fruit,” occasionally tweeting “Say Yes” to mentions of grapefruit and splashed juice. We are humans, drinking, captivated, complaining, daydreaming, learning, dancing, desiring. Openings are an opportunity to observe and find comfort in the overwhelming movement of it all, both in the works and people present. Last Friday was about ecstasy and entertainment, individualism and contemplation, introspection and overlooking, no matter which stereotypical category we belonge to. It’s all in one place for the same purpose: linking us together. Getting out of the institute took me two hours; I was enthralled with it all and leaving it would allow it to vanish. That is, until the next event.
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LOWBROW
HOW TO TURN YOUR PLEEB DOMUS ROOM INTO SOMETHING ACTUALLY FUCKING LIVEABLE Step 1:
Step 2:
Redo your bathroom tiles—the place you pee is not complete until it's got Grecian floor tiles.
Hire your own security. Yeah there is a front desk, but there’s no one guarding your actual door. It’s kind of like your own personal bouncer for the nonstop party which is Domus.
Step 3: The pool closes right when school starts, but if you kick out your roommate and install your own indoor pool in his room then you can wear your man speedo all year long. Also the public pool is undoubtably for peasants. Step 5: Get a second Domus apartment to store clothes and golf clubs in, so the apartment you actually live in doesn’t look cluttered.
THIS WEEK: Lowbrow hates on all things bouge. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to get to an info session.
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Step 4: Get rid of the kitchen. It’s not like you’re ever gonna cook anything. That seems like the personal chef ’s job, or maybe just order your food online because it is 2014.
Step 6: Google “famous art.” Now that you know everything about good art, start your personal collection. Think: in 40 years you can donate your apartment, just like the Barnes. But they won’t need to move your collection downtown, because let’s be real, Domus is nicer than Center City.
...to the joining in marriage of Mister Charles Vandenheuvel Moneypants III and Miss Rachel Goldstein. The happy couple met at the University of Pennsylvania, as apparently 50% of assholes do. Mr. Moneypants III was taken by Ms. Goldstein's grace and beauty when he spied her dancing on an elevated surface at a popular Philadelphia nightclub. Rumor has it that the two will be honeymooning on the island of Mykonos, which Mr. Moneypants II recently acquired as part of his purchase of the sovereign nation of Greece. The Goldsteins kvelled to Forbes magazine that he got a great deal on it. Ms. Goldstein will be resplendent in a gown fashioned from albino tiger fur designed by Donald Trump as part of his new line, Look Super Good And Classy On Your Wedding Day. This truly is a love–conquers–all story; Ms. Goldstein, reached for comment, noted, “He’s not Jewish, but it’s a mitzvah to marry up.”
LOWBROW
THINGS YOU CAN EASILY THROW AWAY
A lifestyle guide for the average Penn peasant.
When you're wealthy, anything can be disposable. Here are the things you should be throwing away this season. As an integral part of the feudalist system, you are bound to your lord, and to the land itself. Leaving your fields, barn or study carrel will result in death most certain.
Rags and tattered clothes are the vestments best suiting your life here. Therefore avoid all fine linens, delicate bodices and articles of luxury. No sweatpant, however unwashed, is too low for you.
Specifically, go get water from the well three miles hence, and bring back to the chapter house posthaste.
Indeed, should you violate any of the laws of the realm or disobey any order, you shall most surely hang by the neck until death.
Dreams are surely omens from the world beyond. Most assuredly, Our Lord hath blessed with the gift of vision. That’s probably why you had that sex dream about your TA.
It is your duty to find a match most suitable to your station in life, and bear stout children with good hands. Forsake any hope of being invited to the Castle. Instead, do as your mother did, and make haste to the Blarney Stone.
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TV: It’s just so hard to schlep from place to place, even if it is a flat screen.
2.
Underwear: No, we aren’t talking about dippers, think high–end lingerie. Or just leave it under the bed of that one random guy like you always do. Pots and Pans: Hate doing dishes? Don’t. Cocaine: No, seriously bro. We’ve been concerned for a while, we just haven’t been able to tell you. Your Diploma: Your Cinema Studies degree didn’t get you that job at Goldman anyways (we all know it was your dad). Bank Accounts: If you forget your PIN, just open a new one. Houses: Hate dealing with land lords? Just buy a house. Then you can just burn it down when you’re done living there.
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Authentic Italian Cuisine at Reasonable Prices
15% off with Fixed Price Sunday-Thursday
1701 Spruce St. - Philadelphia, PA 19103 - www.lafontanadellacitta.com S E P T E M B E R 2 5 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9
B AC K PAG E
It would seem that ivy isn't the only greenery that Penn students are familiar with...
How often do you consume marijuana? 23.3%
once a week
15.2%
15.6% 15.6%
once a month
28.4%
every day
Among athlete respondents
38.2%
19.2%
not regularly
Among all respondents
26.7%
Among finance major respondents
never
1/8 oz
The most common amount of weed purchased according to respondents
1/8 oz
Prudest class:
2016
highest proportion of weed virgins highest proportion of those "against it"
Highest class:
2015
highest proportion of daily smokers highest proportion of those who "love it" 2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 5 , 2 01 4
3.7% 18
12.8%
15.8%
20.1%
23.1%
19
20
21
22