September 5, 2013 by 34th Street Magazine

September 5, 2013 34st.com

september 5

Chairs I learned something this summer.

2013

3 highbrow LOL

12 4

The round–up, word on the street, overheards, Facebook posts from the class of 2017

4 EGO

Ego of the Week, new school year resolutions

12 FOOD & dRINK

Food in a mug, how to order drinks, dos and donts of dorm room eats

8 film & TV LOL

Penn summer in film, netflix pick of the week

10 feature LOL

Everything that's new at Penn (hint: it's a lot)

6 MUSIC LOL

Drunk/roll/sober for MIA, freshman playlist, song of the summer debate, Big Sean

14 arts LOL

Fall art festival preview, seashell picture frame DIY, artist profile

Ego of the Week

There are two main schools of sitting: type A and type B. Type A sitting is sitting with a purpose. If you want to get ahead, A is a necessary skill to have — you use it for studying, for surviving morning recitations, for the occasional immobile meal and maybe someday for a 9– to–5. I have been known to score well in this kind of sitting. I would bet that most of you kill it, too. Type B sitting is the kind I really suck at. It also happens to be the better kind. Now that I think about it, it might better be named type A+. It's synonymous with chilling, but it's more than that. Remember the cool kids in the cafeteria growing up? They were type B sitters. Now they’re the ones who’ve internalized every word Will Ferrell’s ever uttered, who never sweat at

FROMtheEDITOR

outdoor tables on Locust, who always get the booths at Smokes. “I don’t need to be like them,” you tell yourself. That’s where you’re wrong. Hindsight is 20/20 and I’m offering you mine. Welcome [back] to Penn. The way to differentiate yourself at this school is not to graduate Cum Laude, though I’m not recommending against it. Be fun and you will stand out. Be the person everyone wants to sit with, the one who keeps it real in conversation and remembers everybody’s name. Pull that off, and you might make it like Marcus Mundy and be our Ego of the Week (pg. 4). I’ve got eight months to go. I’m gunning for the B.

Frosh, Soph, Junior, Senior — We don't care. It's always a good time to write for Street.

17 lowbrow LOL

Freshman superlatives (see if you're in there!)

20 backpage

Come say hi at the first writers' meeting of the semester.

Snapchats from NSO

6:30pm – 4015 Walnut, Second Floor 34th Street Magazine Nina Wolpow, Editor-in-Chief Sam Brodey, Managing Editor Alex Hosenball, Online Managing Editor Chloe Bower, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Olivia Fingerhood, Assistant Design Margot Halpern, Assistant Design Zacchiaus McKee, Highbrow Alex Sternlicht, Highbrow Faryn Pearl, Ego Mariam Mahbob, Ego Marley Coyne, Food and Drink

Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Michelle Ma, Film and TV Michael Shostek, Film and TV Isabel Oliveres, Features Patrick Ford-Matz, Features Ariela Osuna, Music Cassandra Kyriazis, Music Gina DeCagna, Arts Madeleine Wattenbarger, Arts Zach Tomasavic, Lowbrow Michael Kandel, Lowbrow Gabe Morales, Print Copy Emma Soren, Online Copy

Emily Marcus, Online Copy Patrick Del Valle, Social Media Cover design: Chloe bower Contributors: Jessi Yackey, Nihaar Sinha, Olivia Rutigliano, Danny Eisenberg, Ben Lerner

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Nina Wolpow, Editor-– in–Chief, at wolpow@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

Visit our web site: www.34st.com "My last fortune was 'disease,' so..." ©2013 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104,

Remember what it was like to be a freshman? No? Don’t worry, Highbrow here with the best and brightest posts of the 2017 Facebook group to remind you. We hope she says yes, dude. Sam Summer

Does anybody know [Name redacted]? She lost a sock in the Fisher laundry room… even stranger she felt the need to put her name on her sock.

Yu Wang

Hello,

Where can I find double AA batteries?

Josef Robert Hoenzsch Only 12 of you got hospitalized during NSO! I am so proud! That’s half of what we had the year before (And for those of you that were the ones hospitalized, don’t worry about it! You’ll learn from it and at least you were taken care of!)

Mack Bleach

Does anyone know where the amish depot is

Levent Alp

So I would like to do something special tonight. [Name redacted], we know each other for 3 years by now and I would like to tell you something tonight from here, in front of the class of 2017. [Name redacted] I have always loved you and if you give me chance to prove myself, that would be the best birthday gift for me today. We both got into Upenn we are taking the same classes, your room is next to me.. So I believe these are all signs for me. Again, in front of all of the class of 2017, would you go out with me [Name redacted]???

THEROUNDUP

Frosh Brat: Yeah, we’re going to PiKapp at 4000 Pine St. I heard they have alcohol there. Dude 1: Are you going to Made in America? Dude 2: No, I’m going to get milk. Obvious freshman outside of Pike: My dad told me Pike is the best fraternity at Penn. We should go there! High girl: Cool ranch flavored toothpaste, that’s the dream. JAP: Oh my God, my mom just posted the best TBT.

DEAR FRESHMEAT... By Miss Cassandra

Street, like our distant cousin the Daily Pennsylvanian, would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to Penn. For those of you who don’t know, I’m Miss Cassandra and I will be your weekly source of advice for anything you may need to navigate through your time here. I might be a bitch, but I’m your bitch. It's time to purge your minds of the DP's letter — I'm here now and I won't share the spotlight. DRL? Football games? Score cards? Sure, if these things interest you then by all means go ahead and toss your toast–loving hearts out, but these quintessentially freshman activities are not the be all and end all of your frosh experience. The point of college is to do whatever the fuck makes you happy, but please stop posting in the Penn 2017 group. You want to SWUG Life it up already and go out every weeknight with your fake ID? Be my guest. You want to spend every Friday in your dorm watching Netflix? You do you. You want to spend your nights waiting to be mentioned on Penn Compliments? You’ll need more friends. Although, I will give each of you this advice: try everything once, especially attending a toga party. The great thing about Penn is that there’s an opportunity for all of you little wierdos. I don’t care what you do. Just do something. But don’t be one of those freshmen that waits outside Commons for it to open. Nobody wants to be that person. I can identify one extracurricular you want to be involved in, though. You want to have sex. Well, you’ve come to the right place. You know I love sex. Not only are you thirsting for knowledge at this fine institution, but you’re also thirsting for some late–night loving. One of the great things about Penn is that you get to play adult for a few years before you actually have to be an adult. Get weird on your Twin XL bed with your equally inexperienced peers. Congrats. But please, I know you’ve heard it from your school nurse, your mom, and “16 and Pregnant,” but I am now telling you to always be safe and always be respectful, you fucks. No one wants to be that betch breastfeeding in econ class. And Penn does not fuck around with non–consent. STIs aside, my advice to you is to take a chance and go outside your comfort zone (read: position); one time, that’s all I’m asking. If you don’t like it, you wasted a night you could have spent doing something else. Like getting wasted. But if you do, you’ve opened up a whole new world of possibilities and friendships. Don’t be that senior wheeling a rolling backpack down Locust wondering how you spent four years in a Van Pelt carrel. Put yourself out there. You’re in for the ride of your lives.

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

Welcome, welcome, one and all, to Penn’s premier and only glance into the scandalous lives of West Philly’s elite. For newbies, The Round Up will both give your life meaning and strike fear into your heart every week. Check back for all the juicy campus gossip, but watch out, you don’t want your Friday night escapades to end up here. You may have had one too many during NSO, but we can guarantee you didn’t do anything as sloppy as one convicted freshman. In all the years Highbrow has Rounded Up freshies embarrassing themselves, nothing has spoken to us so completely as the guy who got arrested at Commons at 7:30, directly before Convocation. No other details are available at this time, but we’d like to take this moment to thank you, random drunk Commons freshman, for redefining Round–Up–worthy content. We salute you and hope your pregame was worth it. The nicest boys on campus are already taking a beating. At one of their first ragers, a group of frosh lacrosse players (cue the lax pinnies and mid– calf socks), got a bit too rowdy after what, we’re assuming, was no more than three beers, prompting the K Sig brothers to kick them out. Banned from re–entry, one lax bro took matters into his own hands and broke a beer bottle over a Kappa Sig brother’s head. Instead of fighting back, the frat bro did what any good Penn gentleman would do... threatened to start a lawsuit. No mention on where it’s going yet, but whatevs, the settlement money won’t be able to buy Kappa Sig a better pledge class anyway. In a stunning display of social decline, rivaling that of only Macaulay Culkin and Amanda Bynes, OWLS failed to recognize that the only people who still purchase OWLS Brunch tickets are under 21. Turning away a majority of the 600 people expected, those denied entrance were prevented from enjoying the company of their four person pledge class on a waterlogged raft this past weekend. As if it weren’t embarrassing enough, an OWLS banger was shut down this NSO... after half an hour. The 25 party guests were very disappointed. Don’t worry, it can only go up from here, maybe they’ll have a five person pledge class this semester.

over heard PENN

wordonthestreet

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FACEBOOK POSTS:

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ego of the weeK: MARCUS MUNDY

Marcus Mundy is so well-known, it’s absurd. Besides being the face of the Penn Alcohol Module, he’s involved in the Glee Club, Queer People of Color, As 1 Global, and Carriage Senior Society and he’s about to create his own country: Techtar. Street: You’re considered one of the friendliest people on campus. Why? Marcus Mundy: My attitude towards life is to just embrace it with an open arm. Everyone I come into contact with, I try and remember their name, a few things about them, so that I can get a sense of who they are, and how we can relate, and I try and focus on that. I genuinely want to be friends with people. I guess that becomes infectious and people want to be friendly around me too. Street: Do you ever have people come up to you because of the Alcohol Module? MM: All the time. It’s the worst when I’m out during NSO or Spring Fling, I always have tons of freshmen say, “Oh my god, it’s you, the guy from the video! Like, sorry!” People apologize to me in the elevators when they’re drunk. It’s kind of absurd.

Street: You should just wear dark sunglasses to avoid being noticed. MM: I wore dark sunglasses yesterday and immediately three freshmen came up to me. I think I’m more recognizable when I’m incognito, I guess? I tend to hide in plain sight. Street: What’s your spirit animal? MM: A panda, or Beyoncé.

Street: What makes you most “glee-ful”? MM: Glee Club for me is a brotherhood. We do everything together, we spend hours of time together, we go on hour–long bus rides...I guess, having a community makes me gleeful. It makes me happy that I can go to a place like Penn—where there are ten thousand undergrads—and be able to navigate it really well. Street: What does your Penn Card look like? MM: It’s my third one. I keep breaking them because I

don’t know my own strength. The first one I crumbled around a doorknob — it was in my hand and I grabbed the doorknob and it crumbled. The second one? [laughs] I was swiping and it pretty much just snapped in half. And the third one, the top came off so I just had the barcode, and that would slide through, and the dining hall ladies would hate me. Street: Do you still have the same picture as freshman year? MM: Yeah, I’m wearing a white shirt against a white background. I’m a floating head! It’s kinda absurd. Street: If you could create your own country, what would it be called and what would it be like? MM: I’ve thought about this. This isn’t the first time this has been brought up! It would be called Tehctar. It’s the word “ratchet” backwards. It’s a tropical island where it’s pretty much always a Major Lazer concert, always

EDM, music everywhere, and people are always twerking all the time. It’s our national anthem — the twerk. It’s a place of intellectual stimulation and no, like, bias. No privilege complexes, no cycles of oppression. It’s an open, level playing field, but everyone’s ratchet at the same time. Intellectually ratchet.

have to fit into some mold; you don’t have to be this “business person” or take on 30 internships every summer. You can do that, but you can also just relax and have a good time and not stress yourself out.

Street: What’s your secret talent? MM: I acquire languages really rapidly. And I can do a split. There’s a picture of me in Glee Club in the DP, dead center, in a split. Street: There are two types of people at Penn… MM: The people you know and the people you don’t. Street: As a tour guide, what’s one thing you wish you could tell incoming freshmen? MM: You don’t

serving 34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

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by faryn pearl and mariam mahbob

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

DRUNK/ROLL/SOBER: MADE IN AMERICA Self-explanatory.

Drunk

Budweiser sure knows how to corner a market. The goal for MIA was to be drunk enough not to notice my sweatiness or foot pain but to still remember and enjoy the music. That said, I was successful, albeit at a high cost. After losing my friend who snuck in our tequila, I regretfully shelled out for $11 drinks as my pregame buzz faded. Beer was refreshing yet got warm quickly, so I embraced the Straw-Ber-Rita (a very confusing drink concept). In my hazy opinion, the performances were great, but making it the whole 10 hours was tough and I was sober by the time Beyoncé ended. The cost of staying drunk (plus the ticket price) wasn’t quite worth it. The bright side: crab fries are my new favorite drunchies.

Rolling

I lick my pinkie and dip it into the tiny plastic bag in the inner pocket of my high waisted shorts as soon as we are surrounded by a big crowd. The bitter taste is intolerable and I quickly reach for a piece of gum. Soon enough, my body starts moving without me even realizing it. I’m tapping my foot as Porter Robinson’s “Language” is blasting through the speakers. My jaw is clenching and yet I’m floating with happiness. Elated. Everything is happening so quickly and OMG THE LIGHTS ARE BEAUTIFUL. Round two is deadmau5. Like a fiveyear-old, I skip around Benjamin Franklin Parkway and run in circles. I literally cannot stop moving. I close my eyes as “Ghosts N Stuff” is playing. Peaking, I can’t stop dancing. The colors can be seen from the back of my head and I am elated. Last dip and we run off to Beyoncé. I’m floating on a cloud. Beyoncé is beautiful. Her hair is perfect. Her makeup is perfect. Her wardrobe is perfect. Her rendition of “Baby Boy” is perfect. This could not get any better.

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

FIRST STREET

WRITERS' MEETING. Drunk/roll/sober it. We'll join you.

6:30pm — 4015 Walnut, 2nd Floor

Sober

Oh GodI am so very sober at a concert festival right now, and all I can see is butt cheeks. Why. OH YEAH, I need the stamina to stand for six hours so I can get prime Beyonce standing space. Let’s do this. A$AP Rocky, I don’t really care for you or your tardiness. Flavor Flav is in Public Enemy? Probably should have known that. Oh God, now he’s trying to preach. Tooooo sober for this. Possibly getting a little crowded as Imagine Dragons comes out. AND KILLS IT. Despite the lead singer’s confusing white boy mohawk/mullet/rattail. Phoenix can only make this night better and sweet baby Jesus so much bass all over my body. The final stretch arrives; my heels are burning as my throat silently cries out for water and this giant sweaty man next to me invades my personal space. Only three rows of people separate me from the gate as it’s finally time for the Queen: Beyonce. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod she’s com-—PERFECTION BLACKOUT.

“Hall of Fame” — Big Sean BY CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS

Big Sean has managed to pull off one of the most graceful avoidances of a sophomore slump in a long time. The rapper, known for hits like "Dance (A$$)" and "My Last," has consistently found his strong suit in smart collaborations with everyone from Kanye to John Legend. He continues in that vein with "Hall of Fame," welcoming guests such as Nas, Miguel, Nicki Minaj, and Common. The result is a collection of rap songs accessible to the masses. This album shows us

that while Big Sean may not be Kendrick Lamar spitting fire on "Control," "Control" IS his song. Grade: B+ Download: First Chain (feat. Nas and Kid Cudi) Sounds Best When: Pregaming (actually, though)

Every summer, only one jam reigns supreme. We defend Summer 2013's megahits — cast your vote (if you're not sick of them already). by CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS & ARIELA OSUNA

An Argument for “Blurred Lines”: Is it promoting rape culture? Demeaning to women in general? Too funky for anyone to care? WHAT RHYMES WITH HUG ME? These are all questions that have plagued listeners of Robin Thicke’s smash hit “Blurred Lines.” But here’s the thing about “Blurred Lines”: everybody’s listening through the controversy. Despite the countless contestations citing the blatant sexism and “rapey” vibe given off by the jam, nobody seems to be able to stop listening to this funky and infectious tune. Maybe it’s because every time Thicke claims that “you know you want it,” he also condemns that guy who tried to “domesticate ya,” and that might make it okay. Or maybe it’s because while everyone liked it when “Get Lucky” brought the groove, everyone loved it when “Blurred Lines” brought the funk. The bottom line is that summer songs are meant to make everybody want to get up and dance, to make everyone feel way sexier than they actually are, and “Blurred Lines” does exactly that. It was absolutely the song of the summer. That being said, could we maybe give it a break from the radio?

An Argument for “Get Lucky”: Even though the charts were packed with pop hits by ex– Disney stars, “Get Lucky” was the one radio–abused song this summer that was too good to ever get annoying. Crafted by the French electronic duo Daft Punk and featuring Pharell Williams' smooth vocals, “Get Lucky” combined the perfect amount of ‘70s disco and contemporary pop melodies to make #summer2k13 a groovy one. This dance party song has a fast–paced electronic beat reminiscent of a modern–day Chic song. The song’s grooviness is clearest in its optimistic and summer–appropriate lyrics. Pharell belts out at the beginning of the chorus, “So let's raise the bar and our cups to the stars.” Not only did this song take over radio all summer, but it's also been the subject of many Facebook statuses and profile picture captions. Between the silky beats and upbeat, youthful lyrics, it’s a song that’s hard not to like. Like it or not, "Get Lucky" should be around for a while —the anticipation that built up to Daft Punk’s first album 13 years will keep it popular throughout the fall and spring semesters.

THE QUINTESSENTIAL FRESHMAN PLAYLIST

Sometimes being a freshman can get rough, so here’s a playlist to smooth the way.

Trek to DRL (Unless you live in Hill, in which case WHATEVER GUYS): “Go the Distance” by Michael Bolton (from the "Hercules" soundtrack) If Hercules can do it, you can do it (probably... maybe... some days).

Crawling in the window at Smokes: “Dangerous” by Kardinal Offishall feat. Akon That frosh is so danger, that frosh is so dangerous. What do you have to lose?

Trying to find an outlet at the Starbucks under Commons: “Need You Now” by Cut Copy At least you’ll have this electric ballad to comfort you as you survive the dearth of electrical outlets. When you approach 1% battery, you’ll start to wonder if the outlets are just an urban legend.

Starting your Writing Sem homework: “Hate (I Really Don’t Like You)” by the Plain White T’s Honestly, the Plain White T’s are just being kind when they claim that hate may be too strong of a word to use. It’ll be over in a semester, we promise.

Being smothered by all the other freshmen at your first 34th Street and/or DP meeting: “Breathe (2 AM)” by Anna Nalick Let Anna Nalick’s dreamy voice calm you down as fellow Class of 2017ers wheeze down your neck. Whether you’re coming in with a deep passion for journalism or you’re just a casual “Daily Show” viewer, you are going to end up uncomfortably close to another individual who also thought to check out this GBM. Just breathe, guys.

Avoiding the compass on Locust: “Under Pressure” by Queen The opening bass guitar riffs will match your footsteps as you circumvent the dreaded Compass. No pressure, though, you’ll just fail all your midterms.

The drunken Wawa stop: “Where Have You Been” by Rihanna Rihanna’s bold voice blasts in your ears as you stand over the order touch screen. The place where everyone ends up, freshman or not, Wawa. Whether your savior is mac ‘n’ cheese, the chicken strip sandwich, or any variety of hoagie/sub/ quesadilla, the first bite will have absolutely have you thinking “Where have you been all my li-i-i-i-i-ife?”

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

Getting a latte at Williams Cafe: “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons Imagine Dragons is the perfect wake up call, with sweeping melodies and encouraging lyrics about beginning, your latte will taste that much sweeter.

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SONG OF THE SUMMER?

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013 8

PENN SUMMER IN FILM AND T.V. Plenty of Penn students toil away their summers in New York and D.C. — here are a few scene–stealers who headed out West to make their marks in the entertainment industry. “I worked at Nickelodeon Animation Studios this summer, and it was everything my 7–12–year–old self hoped it would be. Specifically, I was the production intern on “The Fairly OddParents,” a show that, yes, is still on after a whopping 13 years. Although they still managed to give me the usual intern grunt work (hello, scanner, my old friend…), as a “Nicktern” I was working alongside and befriending multiple–Emmy–winning artists, was able to sit in on recording sessions and writers’ meetings, and was even given classes on things like production and storyboarding by show directors and series creators alike. I even got to show (and sell!) my own artwork in the official Nickelodeon gallery after lots of help from the shows’ art department. It was incredible to work on a show I truly loved as a kid. The only thing that would’ve made it better? Slime.” — Faryn Pearl, College ‘14, Production Intern at “Fairly Odd Parents”, 34th Street Ego Editor

"The only thing that would've made it better? Slime."

"It was awesome to be working on the forefront of the digital content movement..."

“This summer, I worked at WIGS, a YouTube channel that makes scripted, highly produced dramas all with female leads. I spent most of my time working on post–production for the Paloma and Susanna series. It was awesome to be working on the forefront of the digital content movement, and the exposure to established Hollywood directors and producers like Jon Avnet and Rodrigo Garcia was invaluable. I also spent three weeks working as a production assistant on an indie feature called ‘Counting for Thunder,’ a film about a southerner who leaves his job as a Hollywood assistant to go back to Alabama and spend time with his dying mother. It was amazing to learn first–hand how professional crews operate, and the opportunity to contribute to the project was very exciting.” — Nihaar Sinha, Wharton ’14, Post–Production and Development Intern at WIGS

“While in L.A. this summer, my thesis research became a low–budget, pseudo–noir detective movie. I spent a lot of time in museums, libraries and archives digging up information, as well as rendezvousing with several (secret) contacts in odd locations to track down certain famous missing artifacts. The first case involves Alice Brady’s 1937 Best Supporting Actress Award (which she won for ‘In Old Chicago’), which was allegedly stolen onstage during the ceremony when an unknown man accepted the award for the bedridden winner and, reportedly, vanished with it forever. The next concerns a 1952 home invasion that resulted in the burglarization of Vivian Leigh’s 1951 Best Actress Award for ‘A Streetcar Named Desire.’ The final case concerns Hattie McDaniel’s 1939 Best Supporting Actress Award for ‘Gone With the Wind,’ which went missing from its display at Howard University during the civil rights protests in the 1960s. In short, my research trip made me feel like the dogged, unlikely protagonist of a heist movie, and I managed to uncover some amazing information that I’m not yet at liberty to disclose." — Olivia Rutigliano, College ‘14, Thesis Research on stolen Academy Awards for the Undergraduate Humanities Forum

"One of the really big perks of the internship was that it was a chance for me to get a lot of my own writing done..."

"...my research trip made me feel like the dogged, unlikely protagonist of a heist movie..."

“I worked for David Stern (one of the writers behind the cartoon 'Free Birds' that’s premiering later this year) and Stuart Gibbs (an Edgar–nominated children’s book author). I mostly helped them do research and proofreading. Additionally, I wrote coverage, ran errands and even worked on a couple sets. One of the really big perks about the internship was that it was a chance for me to get a lot of my own writing done, which was great, since it’s rare to get a couple professional writers who are willing to read your work and give you feedback. It was also just really convenient to be in Los Angeles and to get around the city, since I’m planning on moving out there after I graduate.” — Danny Eisenberg, College ’14, RealArts @ Penn Intern for David Stern and Stuart Gibbs

of the week “ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK” By BEN LERNER

prison, this show paints a fascinating portrayal of the ladies of Litchfield––and the in–jail scenes are way more interesting than Piper’s fiancée’s whining. Piper is the lead but by no means the crux of the series; her sometimes-annoying deer– in–the–headlights conventionality is a “home base” from which other different, more engaging characters can blossom. And they do. The show’s brilliance lies in the phenomenal supporting cast, including such standouts as no–nonsense ex–druggie Nikki, hilarious queen of one-liners Taystee, Poussey (Samira Wiley, accent a droite), transgender in-house hairdresser Sophia (real–life male–to–female trans actress Laverne Cox) and Yoga Jones. You may end up missing a class or two from your addiction to “Orange,” which also smartly employs flashbacks explaining the individual inmates’ criminal histories, helping highlight the show’s sharp writing and stellar acting. Amidst the many devastating moments behind bars, it’s a joy to see the (admittedly racially segregated) girls sometimes laugh and have fun. You’ll almost want to join them! Or maybe not… Regardless, it’s a guarantee you won’t want your sentence at Litchfield to be over when you reach the climactic season finale––oddly quickly after you started binge-watching. Grade: A

CELEBRATE 5 YEARS IN UNIVERSITY CITY

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34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

It’s been called “Oz” with chicks. Or the 2013 erotic answer to “The L Word.” And it’s been the subject of too many adulating BuzzFeed posts. But it’s really so much more: it’s singular, it’s addictive and it’s spectacular. “Orange is the New Black” is the new everything. So if it wasn’t already the Netflix pick of your summer, it best be the pick of your week. Created by Jenji Kohan of “Weeds” and based on a real– life memoir, this Netflix original series follows Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling, versatile boothang of Zac Efron in “The Lucky One” and Ben Affleck in “Argo”). A stereotypical privileged yuppie, things are looking up for the Smith grad whose line of artisan bath soaps was just picked up by Barney’s (!). Except the show opens with her turtleneck–loving journalist fiancée (Jason Biggs, what’s up?) dropping Piper off for a yearlong stay… at LITCHFIELD FEDERAL PRISON, thanks to her scandalous past as a drug mule (it was one time!) for sexy lesbian lover Alex Vause (the incomparably eyebrowed now–brunette Laura Prepon of “That 70s Show”). Thus “Orange” is born, and Piper dons the titular jumpsuit and becomes subjected to such classic prison motifs as cavity searches and embarrassing “fresh meat” lunchroom blunders. It’s all fun and games, but “OITNB” moves beyond clichés by really showing life inside the facility. While many movies cart off the villain to

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instant watch

DEAR SPEC

“We will work this year to refine artist selection so that all members of the Penn community feel welcome at the event. SPEC prides itself on being an inclusive and transparent group, and as always, students are encouraged to join any of the SPEC committees by simply showing up at a committee meeting.”

Thanks to the 21st Century, the Penn Bookstore now boasts its own faux–Apple store. The CD and DVD section on the second floor (yeah…that existed) has been replaced by tall wooden tables, a sleek design, and the smiling faces of Genuis–bar rejects. IMPORTANT: The PennCard Center is now on the 2nd floor too!

Bye–bye Blackboard!

Seniors can rejoice that their last year won’t be tainted by Blackboard’s fugly homepage and incomprehensible discussion boards (like they were going to check them anyway?). Canvas, the sleek learning management system already used by Wharton, GSE and the Law School, has been adopted by all 12 schools this fall. If a few of your tech–weary profs are still clinging to BB, fear not: everyone will be using Canvas come spring. Isa Oliveres and Patrick Ford-Matz are Features editors for 34th Street Magazine.

m re

POLICe WATCH:

Rain Room pics

cks

backpa Canvas

uts

We’re all aware that Penn is, like, the trend capital of the world. Things that are fly and underground in the real world become ubiquitous and terrible on campus faster than you can intentionally shatter your snorefest of an immaculate iPhone screen. Watch out for these hazards, er, trends this semester.

irc ha

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

Trend alert

The Not–Apple Store

Then: “Enforcement isn’t the main priority—safety is.” Penn Police Captain Gerald Leddy on illicit Fling activities. (April 15, 2011) Now: “We have a great relationship with the University and the University of Pennsylvania Police Department…They have basically given us an open door policy for the campus. We are more than welcome to come enforce the alcohol laws at any point.” Dan Steele, District Commander of the Bureau of Liquor Enforcement. (August 28, 2013)

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

We’re sure your Amy Gutmann Google Alert already broke the news, but in case you missed it, The Gut’s salary just rose by 43% to a whopping $2.09 million, which is basically infinite money. Needless to say, she took the news fabulously and can be seen radiating pure solar energy from her office on the daily.

ore

Who? Eve Troutt Powell What? New SAS Dean for Grad Students When? Effective July 1st, 2013 Why (you should care)? This professor of history and Africana studies is the first faculty member of an ethnic or racial minority to be appointed to a top position in academic leadership at Penn. While the University administration won’t say what motivated this long–overdue move, we have a feeling it may have had something to do with a guest column by Senior Africana Studies Faculty members published in the DP in January of this year, which eloquently criticized Amy Gutmann’s failure to appoint “a person of color to the position of dean during her long tenure at Penn.”

What SPEC had to say about this year's fall concert headliner... they're up and coming, undeniably current and have a genre defying sound.

lem

What caused such an outrageously early start date? Blame it on the bigwigs in Harrisburg: in 2008 the Pennsylvania Department of Education set new regulations requiring a minimum of 42 instructional hours per semester to give a course college credit. Penn courses were clocking in a lazy 36 hours of class in the fall. Since our alma matter is up for reaccreditation review this year, it was basically “Start earlier or we´ll shut the party down.” On the brightside, class hasn’t started this early since 1974 so maybe it’s an omen for a new generation of “I found my spouse at Penn” button–wearers.

Amy Gutmann’s pay rises 43% to $2.09 M

Historic Moment Alert!

School Starts in August

ber

Novem

ADMINISTRATIVE

Con: Why mess with perfection? Do you know how many nights of drunken practice it took students to master your layout, Wawa? Where is the milkshake machine hiding? That big round thing in the middle full of hard–boiled eggs and carrot sticks is an accident waiting to happen, not to mention the lack of Flaming Hot Cheetos. And there’s a bathroom now…

Penn dogs can sniff out ovarian cancer. Puppies really are the answer for everything. Penn Vet’s been training dogs to sniff out a specific odor associated with the development of ovarian cancer in women. It might not be a cure, but it’s enough to give scientists around the world paws. Penngineering robot can go up and down stairs, has weird insect legs, is crazy. So apparently robots have historically had a lot of trouble with stairs. Not anymore. Penn’s hexapod robot has six crazy ski slope legs that allows it to climb, roll/run, and do flips on command. It also comes equipped with adorable googly eyes, and it may take over the world. Seriously, YouTube this thing ASAP. AIDS can cure cancer (it's a little more complicated than that). Turning misery into miracles, Penn researchers have begun using the HIV virus to modify human T–Cells into superhero “serial killer cells” capable of destroying tumors in cancer patients like 7–year–old Emma Whitehead. Having failed all chemo, Emma’s now in remission thanks to the mind-bending treatment. AIDS vs. Cancer: Everybody wins.

Surprise! This summer, Campus Pride yet again rated Penn as one of the nation’s top gay–friendly schools. Gay–friendly? Of course. But friendly gays? We’ll get back to you on that one.

Pro: Wawa is now laid out with an intuitive chronological progression: pastries and coffee are waiting right as you enter, and you’re invited to glide around the room to the deli (with everyone’s favorite touch–screen ordering system), then grab a drink and some ice cream for dessert before reaching the register. And there’s a bathroom now! (It's in the back by the soda fountain. They have to buzz you in.)

penn science

cl e

Joining the ranks of Oracle, Onyx, and Cipactli, Penn’s newest minority senior society, Carriage, enters its first full academic year this semester. Targeting gays and allies, Carriage is the same old braggy mess you’ve come to love/hate/ obsess–over–getting–into, now with glitter™.

Hey guys. We know you’re some of the hardest working people around, but even lobbed rolls of toilet paper can’t make up for what was a disheartening slip in Fling headliner quality last year. Shoutout to Janelle, but Girl Talk left us more turned off than turned up. We’re expecting great things this year. XO, The Student Body.

ic e

gayz

Bow–Chicka–Wawa

Stephen Colbert mocks how ridiculous the story is on his show (though he fails to give Penn a shoutout).

campus facelift

“We didn’t go to Harvard. We went to Wharton. And we saw you coming a mile away.”

TV producer/writer and Wharton alum Aaron Korsh's show “Suits" drops the W–bomb, straight from the lips of a badass(hole) I–banker:

Writing Prof. Kenny Goldsmith is a guest on "The Colbert Report": He rocks a pink suit and talks about his latest weird book.

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

IN THE MEDIA

Kate Taylor says girls at Penn have sex. Groundbreaking. She also misspells DFMO and therefore loses all journalistic credibility.

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

WELCOME BACK, NOW HERE'S WHAT'S DIFFERENT.

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013 12

MUGS, MICROWAVES, AND MEAL PLANS

Every dining hall on campus has a seldom–used but ever–present gem of a microwave hidden within it. Turn that dining hall frown upside down and BYOM: Bring Your Own Mug. By Jessi Yackey

Muffins

Mac N' Cheese

Desserts

First, fill your mug a little over half way with waffle batter. • For a maple raisin muffin, thoroughly stir one large spoonful of maple syrup into the waffle batter, along with two spoonfuls of raisins and a dash of cinnamon. Microwave for about 90 seconds. Not decadent enough for you? Adding some mixed nuts in there should do the trick. Sprinkling sugar from the coffee and tea section on top can also help satisfy a sweet tooth. •If sweets in the morning aren’t your cup of tea, make a savory breakfast muffin by mixing in bacon, ham or sausage (or all three!) along with cheese, veggies and a dash of Tabasco into the waffle batter. This muffin will take a little longer than the others to cook, so try somewhere between 90 to 120 seconds depending upon how many goodies you manage pack in there.

• One of the most disappointing things a college student can come across is poorly made mac n' cheese. Rather than popping a Kraft bowl into the microwave for the umpteenth time this week, make some seriously cheesy macaroni instead. Grab some of the cold pasta salad from the salad bar and collect at least 2–3 slices of cheese from the deli section. The veggies in the pasta salad add a great pop of flavor if you’re open to spicing up this kid’s classic. Take the slices of cheese and tear them into smaller portions before placing both the pasta salad and shredded cheese into your mug. Add somewhere between 1–3 spoonfuls of milk depending upon how thick or thin you like your mac n’ cheese. Pop this bad boy into the microwave for 90 seconds or until the cheese has melted. Stir everything very thoroughly and sprinkle some breadcrumbs on top. Now you’ve got yourself quite the mug of mac!

• Chocolate lovers, take heed! Mixing two spoonfuls of chocolate syrup into a mug half full of waffle batter makes for a scrumptious chocolate cake. Try taking this cake to the next level by mixing in chocolate chips, mixed nuts, sprinkles or anything of the like. This cake will take at least 90 seconds to cook, and possibly more depending on how many toppings you can mix in! • If you’re missing the great outdoors and want a taste of a campfire favorite, try adding marshmallows and graham cracker crumbs for a s’mores–inspired treat. • If cake–like desserts are a bit too heavy for you, try slicing up an apple and seasoning it with cinnamon and a sweetener of your choice from the coffee section. Toss this along with raisins, craisins and granola before microwaving for three minutes or until soft. These baked apples are the closest you’ll get to your grandma’s apple pie anywhere on campus— especially with ice cream on top.

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By Marley Coyne

Bar Speak

Approach the bar knowing what you want.

Lean into the bar and have cash or a card ready.

Have patience. Screaming “Hey, bartender!” is more likely to get you served a watered-down drink with a splash of spit than it is to get you decent service.

4 5

Tall: the same amount of alcohol served with more chaser in a bigger glass

Back: a non–alcoholic chaser,

For mixed drinks, order alcohol first then chasers. It’s a vodka cranberry, not a cranberry vodka. For beer, call out a name. Nothing screams my ID is as real as McLovin’s like saying “umm, I don’t know, do you guys have, like, Natty Lite?” You want a Rolling Rock? Say so. Confidence is key.

usually to accompany a shot

• If you’re not sure what kind of beer you like, give the bartender specifics for what you do and don’t like (i.e. heaviness, alcohol content, bitterness). Warning: light and dark are colors, not descriptors. Be more specific.

• Unless you specify the brand of alcohol you want, you’ll be getting bottom shelf liquor. Don’t order a whiskey sour and expect Crown Royal. • Memorize: salt, tequila, lime.

mixer

On the rocks: with ice Double: twice the liquor

Sour: mixed with lemon

or lime, sugar and spirits of choice

Tip your bartender! In the words of Smokes bartender Jack Smith, tipping should be “a beautiful symbiotic relationship where [the customers] give money and I make their drinks better.” Win win.

Tips from the Pros

Neat: alcohol sans ice and

• Be concise. Bartenders are a busy breed, so don’t waste their time.

• Don’t order your drink then leave. It’s a bar, not a game of “Where’s Waldo?”

• If you want a strong drink, ask for a double or tip really well. Telling the bartender “make it good” won’t get you anywhere.

• Go easy on your bartender. If it’s a busy night, don’t order a dirty girl scout, mojito, or other drinks that are difficult to make.

• “Please” and “thank you” aren’t just for your parents.

• If you ask the bartender to surprise you, prepare to be surprised… very surprised.

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

STREET’S GUIDE TO ORDERING DRINKS AT A BAR WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A FRESHMAN

DO’S AND DON’TS OF DORM ROOM EATS By Ryan Zahalka DO

Eat cereal out of a solo cup when you run out of clean bowls. They’re watertight and good at controlling portions, so maybe your freshman fifteen won’t be all Lucky Charms.

Hoard various fruits and some orange juice from the dining hall to make a fruit salad. If it’s refrigerated properly, you can stop relying on GummyVites for balanced meals.

Attempt to make grilled cheese sandwiches with a clothes iron and some aluminum foil. Take a picture and send it to your mom, dad, aunties, uncles, etc. with a desperate/pitiful caption of your choice. Dance in the ensuing rain of care packages and extra food money.

Keep some top–shelf peanut/almond/cashew butter around at all times. Your roommate’s stash of granola bars just got a lot more appetizing.

Experiment with your microwave further than just popping a couple bowls of Orville Redenbacher’s best. The internet (and this issue) are full of creative options that probably don’t suck.

DON'T

Try anything else food–related with a clothes iron. Warming a toaster strudel — bad idea. Cooking any meat — terrible idea. Frying an egg — your lack of common sense is only outpaced by the number of times you were dropped on the head.

Be a slob and leave crumbs/ butter smears/greasy fingerprints. Unless of course you want your already tight double to become a lot more crowded.

DON'T Eat it straight from the box. You might think you can down a pound of Cheerios in one go, but all you’ll end up with is a cardboard box left soggy with spilt milk and tears of shame.

DON'T Try to “spice it up” by pouring in that half handle of Banker’s rum you stole. Bananas, grapes and oranges soggy with crap alcohol won’t mask the taste of ass, and all those vitamins, minerals and antioxidants won’t do much good splattered on the floor.

DON'T Cook bacon with your microwave. The heavy, greasy smell will linger in your sardine–can –sized double for weeks. Even if that’s actually an improvement on its current smell, you’re sure to give your vegan and vegetarian neighbors an aneurism.

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

FALL ARTS PREVIEW

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013 14

Start marking your calendars: autumn in Philly is flourishing with art of all kinds, from theater to sculpture, openings to closings.

Opening of Barbara Chase-Riboud: The Malcolm X Steles

Sept. 14

Known for nurturing the experimental and the bizarre, the annual Philly FringeArts festival’s avant–garde performances guarantee an out– of–the–ordinary arts outing. Choose to see international, world-renowned artists through the FringeArts section of the festival, or hit up Neighborhood Fringe in sections of Philadelphia like Old City and South Philly to check out local artists. The complete listing of performances online, at livearts-fringe.org, can help your narrow your choices.

Philadelphia Museum of Art ($14 General Admission) Chase-Riboud’s commanding sculptures combine fabric and bronze to create massive armor–like figures. This particular exhibition features pieces in homage to Malcolm X, accompanied by drawings from the artist’s process. Find yourself dwarfed and inspired by the huge abstract structures.

Pay Up

Elastic Air Project

Asian Arts Initiative, 1219 Vine St. ($25) What do plastic booties, one dollar bills, and a warehouse have in common? They’re all part of the Pig Iron Theater production, where audience members control their own theater–going experiences. With six chances to choose between eight different shows (each costing $1), rules and a buzzer dictating how much time you have to get to your show, this is just as much a game as a it is theater. The use of the plastic booties remains unclear.

Louis Kahn Park, 11th & Pine Streets (Free) Philly’s own Somatic Movers dance group offers a free outdoor performance that promises audience interaction. An experimental group that mixes improvisation with contemporary choregraphy, they encourage viewers to come ready to engage. Put on your best Zumba gear and get ready to join the dancers in their exploration of space.

Sept. 8

Sept. 5-22

Philly Fringe Festival

Sept. 6-22

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

PHILADLEPHIA

“Night after night, strangers hugged me, thanking me for the art I was creating, and they were so overwhelmed by the beauty of the sacred space they had experienced.”

Check out an intreview and videos of multifaceted artist Janelle Mcdermoth @34st.com

Sept. 18

Reception at ICA

(Exhibition on display until December 29) 36th & Sansom Streets (Free) Don’t think only your art–nerd friends will appreciate this show. Jason Rhoades’ captivating environments, stuffed with everything from neon and legos to figurines and power tools, promise to have universal appeal. Visitng the show will score you some major cred as an art insider: before his death in 2006, Rhoades was mainly known in Europe (despite residing in LA), and this will be the first major American exhibition of his works. The Rhoades show will take over the entire ICA, with four different installations on display within the museum.

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Closing of Witness: The Art of Jerry Pinkney

Sept. 22

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Jason Rhoades, Four Roads Opening

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34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

You Paint with EasyCare

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DIY: Seashell Picture Frames You’ve scrubbed the summer sand out of your hair, but that doesn’t mean you have to get rid of your seashells. BY GINA DECAGNA

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

5. a paintbrush 1. sand 6. hot glue gun 2. seashells 7. liquid glue (Elmer’s 3. a wooden picture or another brand) frame 8. frayed string or rope 4. scissors (optional)

Pour liquid glue onto the frame and spread it evenly with a paintbrush.

You need:

Pour sand over the gluey frame so that the entire frame is covered. Let it dry for five minutes.

Continue hot–gluing the shells, and fill in all gaps. Make it symmetrical.

Start arranging the shells on top of the frame. Add hot glue underneath and at the shells’ sides to secure them in place.

5 Optional: Hot–glue some frayed string or rope to the frame’s edges for an added nautical effect.

Place a summer picture in the frame and try not to cry too hard about the fact that the semester just started and you’ve already lost your tan.

Ellen

Itai

By far the easiest “Where’s Waldo” ever created. Call us when you find a large crowd.

Don’t think we don’t see that plastic cup at the bottom of the frame. How gauche. Robert

What are friends for if they can’t drag your limp, lifeless body to a nearby combination prom/birthday party?

Brian

Ladies? Have you caught on to the subliminal messaging?

Jin

Captain Douchebag, reporting for duty.

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

Freshman Superlatives

Justin

Savor that pizza, Justin. Savor it like it’s the last slice of pizza you’ll have until… yeah, yeah… get some tongue on it.

DISCLAIMER:

Fortunes are not.

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

Photos are real.

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

Robert

Zach

Ryan

Nothing can be altered in a crime scene. Not even poses. Don’t you move a muscle.

Come with me to the dark side. *whips cape back and forth*

And the Oscar for best impersonation of a pillar goes to...

James

Ariel

Matthew

“God DAMNIT, JIMMY, you blink before every fucking picture. JUST ONCE I WANT TO HAVE ONE PHOTO FOR THE CHRISTMAS CARD”Mom

They say the doctor dropped me on my head as a baby, as a young adult, and as a fully grown man.

Shashank

Adriana

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

Though upon first look you may think this man has satisfied his need for speed, don’t be fooled. He is going zero in a parking lot.

“Take that, Mom!”

It’s two weeks into freshman year, and she’s already hiding! Sweet pillow fort — we’ll see you at Hey Day.

eric

KEvin

Dave

Burt

RELEASE THE KRACKEN FROM THE SEA!

Look at this juxtaposition. The donut is so big and the man is so small.

Well, this is simply too large. What fun we shall have.

Sometimes, magic happens at the dog park. Sometimes, love is RUFF!

Shun

connor

Mike

Yoann

DRL’s not the only thing you can get lost in.

Everybody hurts.

King for a day, regrettable photo for a lifetime.

Well at least you’re first in something…

Ladies, Please. This beret needs to be returned.

Carrie

John

We all know you’re trying to skirt Six Flags’s $22 photo fee. Nice try, Deb.

SUDOKU MOTHERFUCKERS!

Nathan

Jacquiley

Good photo. You seem nice.

Chirag

Kevin

"Come alone."

“Guys, I really can’t be bothered.”

Amey

Andy

We know it’s not your car now, but give it time—with a little hope and a midlife crisis, it will be yours.

“I know it looks like I’m clinging to the edge of this rock, but I’m actually standing, and rather comfortably to boot.”

34TH STREET Magazine September 5, 2013

In the name of love.

high brow ego music film & tv feature food& drink arts lowbrow

Devon

NSO

Snapchats may go away after 10 seconds, but NSO is forever. Tweet @34st and let us know your favorites.

The "Who Gives a Shit?": Now in blue.

Rub a dub-dub, drinking alone.

Shame? I'll have none of it, please.

My blue period, guys. #help

Dance like no one is watching.

Not every trailer is your trailer.

"I JUST stopped the truck. What?"

More like Mister Hard-on. Nyuk nyuk.

That blonde chick's been up there for awhile.

Everyone with tupperware is an asshole.

"See you fuckers at Hey Day. G-nizzle OUT."