10.15.2015

October 1–7, 2015 34st.com

october 13

CHANGEFROMTHEEDITOR

2015

LOL

This is a strange time of the year. Some seniors know what they are doing after graduation, most do not. It’s not jacket weather, but you’re cold if you go to VP wearing only a sweater. The freshmen aren't really fresh anymore.

In my life (read: Street), this is a strange time of the year. Elections for the next Street exec, aka the Daily Pennsylvanian’s 132nd Board, have begun as of yesterday.

The end of my editorship is nigh. That’s exciting and scary. I’m so excited to hand Street over to a capable, creative, passionate successor. I cannot wait to see what the next Editor–in–Chief does with Street. I’m excited to move on to another job and another space that I’m passionate about at Penn in my final semester.

It’s scary for me to see the of end of my time at Street. This publication defines my existence. I decide when I sleep and when I wake up based on this publication. What am I going to do on Wednesday nights if I’m not eating DPizza? Who am I going to email if I have an “Overheard at Penn”? Who is going to listen if I write a letter?

I’m embracing the change in this publication and in my priorities. It makes me so grateful that I've made Street my identity.

Anyway, I’m getting sentimental.

Read on, dear friend, read on.

3 HIGHBROW

who really runs your life, overheards, round up

4 WORD ON THE STREET eating disorder

5 EGO

dispatch: football practice, eotw: kristen kelly

LOL

LOL

LOL

9 MUSIC

this week in music, MS MR

11 FILM & TV

tech films, films translated to penn

13 FEATURE guns

17 FOOD & DRINK

5 ingredients 5 meals

LOL

LOL

LOL

18 HEALTH

eating disorders

19 ARTS

kim kardashian west, peter laberge

25 LOWBROW

very accurate politics

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM WE WANT YOU IN OUR (WRITERS) ROOM LETS SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER FROM NOW 'TIL NEXT SEMESTER 6:30PM TONIGHT @ 4015 'NUT.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Director Byrne Fahey, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Yasmin Meleis, Social Media and Marketing Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Rebecca Heilweil, Features Editor Casey Quackenbush, Culture Editor Orly Greenberg, Word on the Street Editor Caroline Marques, Entertainment Editor Emily Johns, Styles Editor 2

Conor Cook, Highbrow Beat Allie Cohen, Ego Beat Carolyn Grace, Ego Beat Spencer Winson, Lowbrow Beat Caroline Harris, Lowbrow Beat Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beat Emily Hason, Film and TV Beat Brandon Slotkin, Film and TV Beat Steph Barron, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Elena Modesti, Food + Drink Beat Dina Zaret, Health, Food + Drink Beat

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Galit Krifcher, Design Editor Holly Li, Design Editor Jeffrey Yang, Design Editor

Dina Zaret, Dining Guide Editor Katie Dumke, Photo Editor Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Producer Randi Kramer, Copy Director Julie Levitan: Web Producer Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman, Julie Chu Cheong, Dan Maher, Amanda Reid, Pat Goodridge, Contributers: Sydney Schaedel, Elizabeth Heit Staff Photographers: Alex Fisher, Pat Goodridge Staff Designers: Emily Cieslak, Mica Tenenbaum, Nadia Kim, Remi Lederman, Sofie Praestgaard

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Pat Goodridge, Alex Fisher and Katie Dumke.

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "Actually, I just hate the entire state of Nevada." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

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HIGHBROW

WHEN YOU GO TO THE PARTY FOR THE PICS, NOT THE DICKS

over heard PENN at

Did you even go to the date night if you weren't in the photos?

It’s a common misconception that Amy Gutmann is the reigning authority figure at Penn. But according to Highbrow (and who do you trust more than us), the true monarchs within our community cannot be found in the admissions office or in any administrative position for that matter. That dude who you noticed carrying a camera around the party last weekend? Yeah, he’s the one who really runs your life.

Ask yourselves, why do people attend Brunch on the Battleship, for example, when they could spend a lovely Saturday being functional humans? Okay, we know that mimosas are involved, and we respect that. But it’s also worth noting that a percentage of the people who attend these events have motives besides getting drunk on a Saturday. They’re doin’ it for the pics.

Instead of paying attention to where that cute boy on the baseball team went, you were busy locating the photographer to make sure he snapped a pic of you dropping it low on the dance floor. Coincidence that when you noticed a camera nearby, you started twerking? Probs not.

And why, oh why, on a night when you really should be doing your Econ homework are you loading and reloading your newsfeed? It’s because you vaguely remember beckoning the photographer to take yet another pic of you being #fun. Now, you are fearfully waiting for the album to hit Facebook. On one hand, you feel like you were looking pretty fly that night and there’s a sliver of a chance that these new shots spice up your FB profile. The most likely outcome, on the other hand, is that each photo features you employing the good old combination of “drunk eyes” and a “drunk smile.” The classic "Lights on, No one’s home" type of look.

So, with the weekend fast approaching, let’s bring the power back to the people. Avoid the cameraman altogether this weekend or, at the very least, harass him at the beginning of the night while you still have your life together.

Focus on having a dance sesh with your friends or finding that cute boy you spotted earlier, rather than flash photography.

THEROUNDUP “How was your break? Let’s get lunch this week!” Highbrow has a schedule packed with empty lunch plans. Welcome back to campus and pointless small talk, everyone.

The best plans are cancelled ones—at least most of the time. Many seniors travelling to Vegas for fall break booked their trip using JusCollege, a company that helps college students plan group trips together. Things got a little complicated when an OAX senior had to switch her flight in order to make an interview. The girl’s mother cancelled her daughter’s original flight, which was the same reservation number of every senior leaving Philly for Vegas. By cancelling her daughter’s flight, this mother cancelled everyone’s flight to Vegas. At the airport, chaos ensued as more than forty seniors scrambled to re–purchase tickets. JusCollege will pay them back, but the trip became a shit show much sooner than they had anticipated. And after all this, the senior girl didn’t even go on the trip.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. A fam-

ily that plays together, stays together—right? The parents of one A's senior may have had FOMO sending their son to Vegas. Instead of letting their child have all the fun, two parents travelled to Sin City as well. They had a lovely reunion in the city and partied the night away—whatever keeps you young. If mom and dad are buying… count Highbrow in.

In Vegas, it’s all about who you know. Unfortunately, one senior frat boy befriended a casino pit manager instead of the city’s party promoters.

After popping a molly (and, we assume, sweating), this boy had a little too much fun on the casino floor. The pit manager found him passed out at a slot machine and put him in a holding cell for the night. The next morning, however, he was released in time to meet up with his friends at the hotel’s breakfast buffet. Highbrow hears he was rejected from the majority of parties, but he seemed to keep busy and always had a slice of pizza in hand. It’s all fun and games until someone gets knocked up, down or out.

Enough with the EDM jokes—just drop them, okay? We might have fallen in love with the DJ. Highbrow hears one chick in Vegas got up close and personal with world–renowned DJ, Steve Aoki. Seniors partied at Hakkasan during

Girl on Locust: I hate girls that be like I'm Persian…. Bitch, you from Iran.

CURF rep: You haven't researched at Penn until you've tried psychedelics. All great discoveries require experimentation.

Girl to her roommate: I pulled down my romper, but I didn't pull down my underwear, and then I just started peeing.

Gay alum: I’m considering doing acid this autumn with a few trusted colleagues.

Boy on phone with his father: I'm thinking about buying a cat.

What? Yes, a live one. You think I'm going to order a dead cat?

Aoki’s performance, which always includes an attendee getting caked in the face. Aoki selected a fellow Quaker from the crowd and caked a TriDelt senior (Ed. note: It’s literally a cake; there is absolutely no sexual innuendo here.). Maybe the frosting blurred her vision, but the girl thought Armin Van Buuren was performing the entire time. Sometimes you really can have your cake and eat it, too.

If you’re looking for a Fountain of Youth, don’t go to Vegas. While seniors partied at Vegas club Tao one evening, a group of girls noticed that kids from Emory had left half of a bottle of Grey Goose at their table. Naturally, the girls took the bottle and finished it, but that last bit of booze might have pushed one girl over the edge. At the Venetian Hotel, an OAX senior felt a little pukey and yacked in the hotel’s fountain. In a desperate attempt to freshen up, she rinsed her mouth with the fountain’s water—the same water she had vomited in. Liquor, rinse, repeat. Remember: You can’t wash away your sins.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

THE ORDER OF DISORDER

I

first learned how to make myself throw up during my junior year of high school. I can’t remember what triggered my curiosity, but while trolling the internet at home, I somehow landed on a pro–bulimia blog. The site compiled advice on how to achieve the skeletal bodies depicted in its collages of concave chests and sunken eyes. Even three years later, those tips are hard to forget.

Carbs and soft foods are the easiest to throw up, but still take a sip of water every five minutes—it eases the purge.

Never kneel over the toilet—stand up straight and slightly bend your back forward. Gravity is your friend.

Do it under 30 minutes after eating or don’t even bother.

Eat Doritos before you start your meal. That way you’ll know you’ve thrown everything up when you see orange.

And so I tried it. I chugged half a liter of Poland Spring water, walked upstairs to my bathroom, and stuck my finger down my throat, just how I had read it was done. I had eaten dinner over an hour before that, so nothing came up but hot water.

My weight was never the issue. My metabolism

Illustration: Amanda Reid 6

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ANONYMOUS works faster than I can consume a wedge of brie. I’ve played on team sports since I was a child, and the scale has never exceeded 115 pounds.

Stress was the issue. As the pressure to get into a good college rose, so too did my need for a way out.

One winter evening, I quickly ate two spicy tuna rolls. I needed to study for a US history quiz, but the discomfort of my full stomach distracted me. So I grabbed my toothbrush and razor and went to the bathroom. If anyone were to ask why my hair wasn’t wet when I came out, I’d tell them I was just shaving my legs.

I turned the shower on—cold, so I’d waste less energy—and reinforced the lock with the doorstop, just in case. I bent over the toilet with my toothbrush down my throat. Like a teenage girl learning to masturbate, I poked for a while, confused as to why nothing was happening.

And then I burped. The gas smelled like wasabi. I burped again and felt my gut churning. Another one, and the food trampolined up my esophagus. Globs of food slowly but painfully plopped into the toilet.

It looked like pink attic foam had melted in the basin. I would later perfect my burp–and–body–lurch technique so that it stopped being painful and started being therapeutic.

Vomiting remained my release for three years—not every meal, not every week, not even every month. The urge just came in sporadic bouts depending on my stress. It was my tyrannical way of combatting the anarchy around me.

My delight.

My dirty little Learn about secret.

I never eating disorder considered resources on myself as p. 18. having had an eating dis-

How my need for control got me into bulimia­­—and how it got me out.

order. It wasn’t that. It was a stress disorder. “Eating disorder” implies that you don’t have control over it. I did. I had complete control. That was the point.

Life became even more uncontrollable when I started my freshman year at Penn. So I became more controlling. I loved every second of my wild social life, but I was drowning in my own freedom. At least three times per week, I woke up to a desk littered with empty vodka bottles and crinkled Wawa wrappers. I went to maybe one–third of my lectures and I had completely forgotten why I was at Penn in the first place.

But then I found the bathroom in the basement of the Quad. Now the drinking and drunk munchies didn’t matter. At the end of the night, I could just step into my time machine, and at the push of a button—that punching bag dangling in my throat— it was as if it never happened. I could wake up with great memories but no hangover or regrets and still be in Van Pelt by 9am.

I never received professional help for this because I handled it on my own. I never wanted it anyway.

Last year, I came home drunk, alone and upset, and stepped into my time machine. As tears and food flooded into the toilet, water splashed back onto my face. I kept gagging myself with my right hand, coated in a thick orange film. I didn’t bother washing it until I saw the blood.

There wasn’t much at all—maybe a drop or two on the surface of the semi–digested food—but enough to realize that I was rupturing my esophagus. Enough to realize I was weakening my heart, damaging my brain, and corroding my gums. I was done cleaning the toilet bowl so my housemates wouldn’t notice.

I was done scooping vomit out of the toilet when I clogged it and disposing of it elsewhere. I was done degrading myself. I was done harming myself.

I don’t worry about finding the nearest bathroom after dinner anymore. The thought crosses my mind every once in a while, but only for a moment until I think about my heart. Realizing my solution was actually a problem hurts, but only until I remember that I conquered bulimia. For most, professional help is the most effective and necessary treatment, and I highly endorse that. But for me, alone is how I had to handle it. Control was how I got myself into it, and control was how I had to get out.

The only thing I worry about now is getting food stuck in the spaces where my gums used to be.

DISPATCH: PENN FOOTBALL

EGO

Two on-campus locations:

Street does football! As in, we went and watched. It was exhausting.

37th & Spruce Perelman Center (3400 Civic Center Blvd.)

3:35pm: Enter Franklin Field ten minutes early and see football players already on the field. Do I have the wrong practice time?

3:37pm: Look up, reevaluate size of football players. They are smaller than I expect football players to look. Maybe because they're so far away. My depth perception is off. I put on my glasses and walk to the bleachers.

3:45pm: What I assume is the Sprint Football team changes into a new formation. I assume that they're leaving. They don't leave. Has the entire varsity football team stood me up?

3:52pm: "Two Tickets to Paradise" comes on blasting from a speaker on the field. Everyone starts running in one direction. I assume this is some sort of end–of–practice ritual. Yep. They're all moving their legs like they're synchronized swimming. But they're on a football field. They look so graceful.

3:54pm: Someone yells something. They all grunt back in tandem. Aw. Now they're like a manly choir.

3:58pm: Men's track team runs by. Such sweat–glistened gazelles.

all-natural, locallysourced foods

free-range and hormone-free meats

italian panini

3:59pm: Coach blows whistle fifteen times in a row. I'm grateful I'm not hungover.

4:03pm: An athletics staff member comes over. Explains I've been watching the varsity team the whole time. The "end of practice" ritual I thought I was watching was warm–ups. Oops.

4:07pm: He explains football to me. He tells me there are big people on both sides and that instead of calling them "big people," I can call them "linebackers." I observe him questioning my authority and ability to write an article about football. I don't blame him.

4:18pm: Wonder if my cute freshman hall mate is still on the team.

4:21pm: Macklemore's "Can't Hold Us" is blasting on the field.

Why the hell is nobody dancing?

4:22pm: Number 88 removes his helmet to reveal a gorgeous mane of brown curly hair, which he then sweeps into the most beautiful man bun I've ever seen.

4:26pm: I wonder if the team's personal DJ takes requests?

Read the rest at 34st.com

4:27pm: One of the coaches says something about wanting to rip off the other team’s shoulders. What happened to Quakers being pacifists??

HAPPY HOUR is best enjoyed on an outdoor patio

with good wine, really good BEER,

and even better

FRIENDS. Dominate in Quizo, Eat delicious apps

And be merry

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EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: KRISTEN KELLY

This year's Philomathean moderator and Philly native would love to chat with you about Hufflepuff or racial identity over a cup a tea, but you have to follow her on Instagram first.

Street: What is the most interesting event you've attended with the Philomathean Society?

Kristen Kelly: We have this big event each year called the Annual Oration, and we bring in a prominent public intellectual. The spring of my freshman year, Philo had Richard Dawkins come talk about his latest book he had published. Afterwards, Philo had a private dinner with him. I sat next to him, and he pulled out his iPhone and showed a video of a dancing lemur. Later, he told us about the weird things he’s signed for people, like someone’s Bible or someone’s breasts.

I believe he said “I’m not a breast man.”

Street: If you are what you eat, what are you?

KK: Probably an egg tart.

It's a Cantonese dessert; I ate them occasionally when I was growing up but became addicted to them over the summer. I think I must have eaten at least a hundred?

Maybe more.

everyone’s a little bit bumbling at times.

Street: We heard students apply to Philo in pretty bizarre ways. What is the most creative submission Philo has received?

KK: We have our own archive, and in that are some past submissions. There’s one 30–year–old pretzel that someone made in the shape of a “phi,” which is kept in a tiny box and is very well preserved. During my time in Philo, one of the weirder things we received are really peculiar photo essays, like artful nudes or a step–by–step process of making dinner. No one’s ever submitted something like taxidermy, though.

One limitation we have is that submissions can’t be alive or formerly alive.

Street: What was your first AIM screen name?

KK: Lunalovegood101, after the Harry Potter character, obviously. I even had a pair of radish earrings that I wore to the midnight releases of the books…. I was a big fan.

Street: Who are some notable Penn Philo alumni?

KK: Something I always like to bring up is that two Philos created the first full English translation of the Rosetta Stone. Since then, we’ve had members who’ve become authors or get involved in Philadelphia–area politics, but nothing quite as big in pop culture. We did reject Ezra Pound, which is something I think we really regret, but maybe he had really bad poetry at the time.

Street: Which Hogwarts house do you think you’d be sorted into?

KK: Definitely Hufflepuff.

There’s something really nice about Hufflepuff. In the Hogwarts song Helga Hufflepuff says, “And I’ll teach the lot and treat them all the same." It feels very sweet, and it would be a fun, inclusive, warm environment, even if

Street: What’s the deal with that gigantic stuffed bird that all the Oracle kids carry?

KK: His is name is Ori Cool.

He came from a Dave and Buster's; one of the original classes had a social event there, and they pooled their tickets together to buy this seven–foot–tall ostrich. Now, the new classes have to bring

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Ori around and get as many pictures with him as they can.

It’s fun, because in running around campus trying to find who has Ori, you kinda have to learn people’s names and find out what they do.

Street: What was your special day with Ori like?

KK: I had the disadvantage of it being a super rainy day. So instead of finding other people, I set up a dating profile for Ori on OkCupid.

It was fun! I got some seductive poses of him around Philo, and I made an artful composition with plastic lawn flamingos to go with his profile caption, “Single and ready to fla-mingle.” The first day, there were 50 new messages in my inbox!

Street: What do you find unique about the Asian Pacific American Leadership Initiative (APALI)?

KK: The Pan–Asian American Community House (PAACH) has three programs that it runs, PEER Mentoring program, APALI and Aspire. They’re all geared towards identity exploration looking at Asian American identity, especially on Penn’s campus and how that relates to a broader pan–ethnic identity.

Street: What is one of the more profound things someone has said to you in APALI sessions about identity?

KK: I’m very interested in multiracial identity. Growing up in a multicultural household, I didn’t necessarily think I could identify as Asian American. Coming to Penn, I was glad to get involved with PAACH as it was this Pan–Asian identity group

that I hadn’t had a chance to seek out in the past. I think there were a couple conversations I had with my own APALI facilitator who was also half–Asian, and we talked about this idea that maybe your heritage can be a bit confusing, but you’re not confused. There is a niceness to the balance of different cultural identities.

Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be?

KK: Probably Vincent Van Gogh. I love Van Gogh. I had a huge crush on him. I wrote my entire Common App essay about why I loved art museums because it was like speed–dating, but I was always coming home to me and Vincent.

Street: Kill, Fuck, Marry— Amy Gutmann, the Quaker mascot, Kweder.

KK: Wait, who’s Kweder?

Street: Kenn Kweder?! The guy who plays at Smokes' on Tuesdays?

KK: I’ve never actually had the proper Smokes' experience yet. I’ve eaten their pizza, but besides that….

Street: That’s it. We're giving you an assignment — you have to have a Smokes' Tuesday. But now that you know who Kweder is, answer the KFM question.

KK: I’d probably marry Amy G. There’s something really attractive about a woman in charge. I don’t know if it’s fair to pass judgment on Kenn right now. He’s probably a decent guy. I don’t think I could say I would fuck the mascot, but I also haven’t ever seen Kenn; I guess it’s a tossup. I’ll leave that to a coin flip.

Hometown: Philadelphia, PA Major: Urban Studies, English Minor: Asian American Studies Activities: Moderator of Philomathean Society, Asian Pacific American Leadership Initiative, PEER Mentoring Program, Chair of Asian American Studies Undergraduate Advisory Board, Minister of Impact for Oracle Senior Honor Society Guilty Pleasure: Definitely tea. I am an impulse tea buyer. This year I'm just trying to drink through all of what I've collected, so I think that I'm averaging three cups a day. I've read some papers about the health benefits of green tea—stress reduction, long life, etc. At the rate I'm going, I think that I'll probably achieve immortality by winter break.

Street: There are two types of people at Penn….

KK: People who follow my instagram, and people who are #irrelevant to my ~*~social media persona~*~.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

MUSIC

YOUR WEEK IN MUSIC: AN AVRIL LAVIGNE CONSPIRACY And some cool DJs to spice up your life

WHAT TO LISTEN TO: New Orleans rapper Pell just released single “Queso,” a funky flow with plenty of bongo and cowbell sprinkled in. This single is the second dropped so far from his upcoming album LIMBO, set to come out Nov. 6.

Reggae–pop duo R. City dropped their latest album What Dreams Are Made Of this past Friday. Full of bright sound and a feel–

good attitude, this album is irresistibly catchy.

Philly–native Alex G is back with his latest release Beach Music. While not venturing into any radical new territory, the album is a beautiful and refined continuation of his previous style, and a spot–on soundtrack for the coming crisp fall days.

JOHANNA MATT–NAVARO

WHAT TO SEE: Skip one of the thousand downtowns happening tonight and swing by The Dolphin Tavern for some deep house and psychedelic vibes at indie–techno disco party Ancient Puzzle Arts, featuring DJs Alex Burkat, Diamond Girl and Andrew Devlon.

Check out Disclosure at The Fillmore, where they'll be playing both this Monday, Oct. 19 and Tuesday, Oct. 20. You have two chances to see

them––don't disappoint.

Let loose at Union Transfer this Wednesday, Oct. 21, to see BØRNS; because their glam–pop energy will bring you out of post–fall–break depression, because homework is definitely not the move on a Wednesday (or any day, if we’re being honest) and because the Ø in their name is so The Scene.

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT:

Brazilian website AvrilEstaMorta. blogspot.com surfaced last week claiming our beloved “Sk8er Boi”–singing superstar Avril Lavigne died over a decade ago and was replaced by a hired look–alike that continued releasing music in her stead. Faced with this staggering revelation, we have but one obvious question for AvrilEstaMorta: Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith, had a representative send Donald Trump a cease– and–desist letter ordering Trump to stop using Aerosmith’s “Dream On” in campaign rallies.

This isn’t Trump’s first time getting into trouble for unauthorized use of songs––he received similar blowback from artists Neil Young and R.E.M. earlier this year. All is fair in love, war and politics, except for violating music copyrights.

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MUSIC

LEATHER, VASSAR AND JAMS: A NIGHT WITH MS MR MS MR is not your typical male/female pop duo.

We would know, we interviewed them.

There are a lot of things you need to know about MS MR, if you don't know about them already. First off, Lizzy Plapinger (MS) brings an almost soulful tone as a vocalist, unlike the often nasal–dominated world of female–led pop. She lets her

voice take the forefront, rejecting the indie trend of muttering softly behind much louder instrumentals. Not only does her MR counterpart—Max Hershenow—bring keyboard to the ensemble, but also his experience in modern dance, which he

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studied at Vassar where the two musicians met. Both of them perform rather than just “play,” spinning away from the mic and keyboard intermittently to add in short, seemingly spontaneous dance routines, at least this is what I found to be true at their recent concert in Philly at Union Transfer.

So much of the magic of MS MR is in the visual, which doesn't take away from their music, but rather enhances it.

As is the case with their publicity shots, Lizzy and Max usually sport daring, fashion–forward outfits onstage. During the show last Saturday, Max wore a splatter–paint patterned t–shirt and Lizzy donned a skin–tight, pants–length black halter jumpsuit with large sequins

adorning the top, a black leather belt and chunky–heeled leather boots. The pair admits to thrift shopping with pride in every city they stop in. “We adore fashion, adore shopping, adore vintage shopping. We’re both artistic people, very visceral shoppers,” said Lizzy. For Max, his passion for fashion developed quite young. “I did go through a phase as a five–year–old where I only wore a single strap leopard print onesie,” he said.

Since MS MR's debut album Secondhand Rapture, they have been compared to the likes of Florence and the Machine and Lana Del Rey, but have plenty to offer of their own. Their newest album, which dropped this July, How Does It Feel has probably already captured your attention

with songs such as "Reckless" and "Criminals."

The pair has been gaining popularity at a fairly rapid rate recently, but in some countries more so than others. “For whatever reason our music is extremely successful in Australia, so whenever we go there we feel like Beyoncé,” said Lizzy. Whatever MS MR is doing right now is certainly working, but the pair doesn’t discount shaking things up with genre in the future. Max describes their current work as “bombastic alternative pop,” but also said that, in general, “we don’t feel like we put our music in a box.” “The door is always open,” added Lizzy.

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F E AT U R E

“I don’t feel the need to carry a gun to class,” he says, two weeks before he’s scheduled to head back to the range. “I’m not big on the whole personal protection argument. I have more respect for hunting and sportsmanship….

I think the data is pretty clear that you don’t actually become safer for personal protection.”

This Penn junior supports gun–control legislation and identifies as a Democrat. Still, the student asks to be anonymous. He doesn’t want to be “the gun guy” on campus.

On Oct. 4, the Penn’s Department of Public Safety (DPS) announced an unspecified threat to a University “near Philadelphia.” Only hours before, four high school students were arrested in California for plotting to “kill as many people as possible,” caught in the process of acquiring weapons.

Days earlier, Oregon’s Umpqua Community College lost nine lives. The New York Times reported that the Oregon shooter’s mother regularly visited gun ranges, kept several weapons at the house and had been aware of her son’s Asperger's syndrome.

ABC reported that in 2015 alone, there have been 47 school shootings. At this time last year,

the number was 50.

Yet few students own guns. According to a 2002 Journal of American College Health study, one of the few that exist, 4.3% of students kept a working firearm at college.

Almost half of these students cited protection as their primary reason for owning a gun. Still, most colleges and universities ban weapons on campus.

At any time, there can be up to 118 University–sanctioned firearms at Penn, all semi–automatic weapons carried by University police.

But for students, guns are prohibited—a rule that has consistently gone unchallenged in recent years, according to DPS. School policy states: “University faculty, students, staff, whether working or not and visitors and members of the University community, may not possess or use air rifles, pistols, firearms, weapons, ammunition, gunpowder, fireworks, explosives, gasoline and other dangerous articles and substances in University buildings or on University property.”

A few Penn students have been caught with weapons on campus, though never in a violent context. In the past two decades, DPS estimates

there have only been two or three cases. According to DPS, gun violence usually involves individuals unaffiliated with the University.

In 2006, Mari Oish, who was a sophomore in Engineering at the time, was shot in a robbery near 38th and Walnut streets. Years later, she began speaking at freshman orientations to share her experience with other students.

Nationwide, University policy cannot regulate student activity off campus. A dwindling but significant number of students still shoot, whether at ranges in Philadelphia or at home.

For many at Penn, recreational shooting culture, which can mean anything from outdoor hunting to shooting more powerful weapons in a closed, indoor range, is inherently linked to this gun violence. For others, the realms are completely separate.

Student’s don’t agree on what it means to shoot a gun.

As a private entity, the University is relatively free to regulate the presence of weapons on its own property. Still, the Pennsylvania State Constitution states that “the people have a right to bear arms for the defence of themselves and the state.”

O C T O B E R 1 5 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

F E AT U R E

No law specifically bans college students from legally owning guns or pursuing a concealed carry license. If a student lives off campus, that individual can keep a gun in his or her house.

While most recreational shooters at Penn do not own a firearm, it’s not illegal.

*** In 1927, Betty Funston, a talented sharpshooter, founded and captained the University’s first Women’s Rifle Team.

To practice for competitions, the women would meet at Franklin Field; later, they also began to use an indoor range in the arena’s north arcade.

Yet 1967 was the final time The Daily Pennsylvanian reported on a female rifle shooter, according to the Penn Current. By 1955, the University Archives took over what was left of the Old Shooting Gallery, and the University began to lose trace

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of the organization’s presence on campus.

There are still women on campus who know how to shoot. Olivia Webb, now a junior studying Health and Societies, says she started shooting when she was ten. At age twelve, she took a hunting safety course so she could receive a license. Learning to shoot was a family activity, a way to spend time with her father and grandfather.

“Learning how to shoot can be empowering,” she adds. “I think it’s important for girls to learn certain skills even if they’re typically considered masculine.” Olivia hopes she’ll never have to use a firearm for self–defense, but she believes “it’s important to know how.”

DPS says there’s no way for students to appeal or apply for an exception to the on–campus firearms ban, even for personal safety. But in the past, University policy barring student’s carrying guns have been challenged, even in the Ivy League.

Last year, Dartmouth student Taylor Woolrich made headlines campaigning for on–campus concealed carry. School policy, like those of many universities, does not allow firearms on school property. Woolrich, who was stalked across the country from her home state of

California, believed having a gun would make her safer. Taylor visited law enforcement officials, who encouraged her to purchase, and learn how to use, a weapon.

“It’s a terrible thing to be told you have to kill someone,” she said.

Despite multiple attempts to be given an exemption to the campus handguns ban, Dartmouth refused.

Now, some women see concealed carry as the potential solution to a pervasive rape culture, though many, including the national president of sexual assault prevention group One–In–Four, worry that this argument misunderstands how sexual assault occurs.

F E AT U R E

*** On Penn’s campus, the debate over gun control, recreational shooting and their social contexts is messy. Few studies analyze gun ownership and gun violence, especially among young people. Some debate whether “firearm incidents” include student suicides. According to the Harvard School of Public Health, more people kill themselves with a firearm than are murdered by one.

Some argue that violence is exacerbated by increased gun ownership; others believe that gun ownership is a form of self–defense and is incentivized by growing violence.

"There is a direct and significant link between recreational gun culture and gun violence to the extent that American society prioritizes inconveniencing gun users as little as possible," says Sean Foley, a senior in the College and President of Penn Democrats. “Those opposed to gun safety regulations argue that new protective procedures would only inconvenience responsible citizens while doing nothing to prevent gun violence; criminals, anti–gun safety opponents insist, would break the laws anyway.

This sentiment is as illogical as it is unacceptable. We should prioritize the safety of our communities over the convenience of recreational gun users.”

College Republicans President Will Cas-

sidy, believes that there is a stronger link between mental illness, gang affiliation and gun violence. “Coming from a state—Louisiana—with both a high murder rate and high gun ownership rates, there's a stark divide between recreational hunters and shooters and those who perpetrate the vast majority of gun violence.” He personally favors an assault weapons ban and requiring background checks for online and gun show firearm purchases. “None of these changes tangibly affect recreational gun use.”

And between the political extremes, there is no unanimous opinion.

Dan Kurland is Project Leader of Where's the Love Philadelphia, the gun violence project within PENN ENGAGE, a student think–tank “researching and alleviating socio–economic issues affecting the Philadelphia community.” He believes that change must be directed at the “systematic causes of gun violence at their roots.” For Kurland, gun violence, mental health, socioeconomic disadvantage and education policy intersect.

“I would love to know if recreational shooting is connected to gun violence,” he says.

*** The University still maintains records of the earliest gun club, originally called The Gun Club, on Penn’s campus, which hint at fun and gossip. Founded in 1883, the group was known for more than its shooting and included a diverse cast of characters. One knew “his ability to shatter not only the stem of a wine glass, but even finger–bowls and tumblers at still greater distances.” Some were members of the Dental School. At one point, there was even a rifle range in the basement of Hutchinson Gym, but it closed decades ago.

Now, the history is relatively forgotten, though the Outdoors Club has become a surrogate outlet for those who seek structured shooting opportunities. Previously,

the group has organized trips to outdoor ranges, which provides a significantly different experience from indoor sites. Popular activities include clay pigeon shooting, skeet shooting and sporting clays.

Last year, the group held two trips, which each drew at least fifteen people.

Though none for this semester have beens scheduled as of yet, the club’s publicity manager says it’s seen “a fair amount of interest and will most likely be leading a few later this fall. “ According to Athletic Communications Director Michael Mahoney, Penn doesn’t seem to have ever sponsored a varsity rifle program and doesn’t recruit students for shooting. There hasn’t been enough interest, he says, to warrant creating a varsity team.

While the NCAA hosts a rifle championship, no other Ivy League school has a varsity rifle team. The University has also not officially organized any recreational trips.

Penn’s most recent iteration of a recreational shooting social club fell apart in 2013. The group was mostly comprised of seniors, and none of the involved freshman continued to keep the group together.

Now, most students who shoot travel in smaller, casual groups or alone. Some don’t even see what local ranges have to offer and wait until they’re back home to practice.

In the past, the libertarian community at Penn has also sponsored trips to ranges.

Yet Korey Gall, who heads Penn for Liberty, says there are no plans for the organization to coordinate a recreational shooting trip. “Is there space for recreational shooting within the libertarian community at Penn?” he asks. “Absolutely, there just doesn't seem to be as strong of an interest in it as there has been.”

*** Getting to a gun range from Penn is not difficult. Across town at Percy Street is The GUN RANGE, a small, off–the–beaten path building painted white, one of the

few places in Philadelphia where one can recreationally shoot. “We are a liberal Northeastern college campus,” one student comments. “A lot of people have never been exposed to gun.”

It’s important to remember that many student recreational shooters don’t own a firearm and simply choose to rent from the range they visit. For THE GUN RANGE, this number is about ninety percent.

Upon entering, visitors are asked to fill out forms and provide ID, standard practice required by federal law. When a newcomer enters the range, a staffer quickly stops and offers a training session to the beginner, which goes over shooting technique and safety.

There are two women in the entire store.

One is a member of law enforcement, as indicated by her ID, and is wearing a Green Bay Packers shirt. Another is older and likely on a date.

Behind the main counter, where only employees are permitted, are large, black weapons with large magazine capacities. A beginning college student, however, is more likely to rent a simple pistol. For an hour– long session and safety training, he’ll spend about $90.

A visitor is offered a diverse set of paper targets with various images, no more large poster–sized sheets, available for practice.

The simplest are “Bullseye” and “Five Dots.” Another is “’80s Gangster Man.” The less creative can choose the simple “Orange Guy” or “Skeleton.” The most haunting option, perhaps, is “Date Night,”

which portrays a ominous cloaked figure in a red mask with a rope and butcher knife.

A nearby cabinet is covered with stickers.

One proclaims: “God Bless Our Troops.

Specially Our Snipers.” Another is rainbow colored and reads "HONK FOR GAY RIGHTS." Inside the actual range, a separate area sealed by protective glass and sound–insulation, houses thirteen firing lanes. Bullet casings line the floor—they come in colors, bronze and silver, shining on the dark black ground. Employees, young men with scruffy beards and black t–shirts, quickly sweep the debris away and gossip about Straight Out of Compton. Most of the shooters are older males, white. In 2002, 5.3% of white college students had a gun, compared to only 1.6% of black students.

On the Monday following the DPS warning, and a few weeks after his trip to the range, the anonymous junior sits in an off–campus house, eating freshly–baked brownies at his desk. While working on an assignment, his eyes furrow, thinking about the week before.

“I know having a gun is probably not going to help me, and I’m probably not going to be able to shoot this guy. But still, it’s that feeling of having agency in your surroundings,” he says. “I can understand that feeling.”

Rebecca Heilweil is a sophomore studying History and Journalism. She is a features editor for 34th Street Magazine.

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FILM & TV

Instead of Steve Jobs, here are five better tech movies to watch.

On Wednesday, Oct. 14, SPEC showed an early screening of Danny Boyle's new movie, Steve Jobs, at the Cinemark (formerly known as The Rave, RIP). I couldn't watch the movie before my deadline for this article, but let me be a troll for a minute. Aaron Sorkin, the guy who wrote Steve Jobs, is not good at what he does. Sorkin does one thing that I always find annoying: All of his works are the story of A Good (White) Man Just Trying To Do Decent Things. The West Wing (which is not a good television show, sorry), The Social Network (look at how complicated Mark Zuckerberg is!), and especially The Newsroom (everybody listen to Sensible–White–Man Jeff Daniels preach about politics) are all the same thing in different contexts, and Steve Jobs will probably be more of the same. Anyway, here are five actually good movies about the internet and technology that you should watch instead of Steve Jobs.

Matthew Broderick plays David Lightman, a computer nerd who hacks into a government supercomputer and accidentally starts a war game simulation. The problem is that the government thinks the simulation is an actual attack by the Soviets.

The plot is very engaging and has an important moral at the end, even if it's very heavy–handed. Make sure to watch the incredibly underrated Ally Sheedy play Jennifer Mack, who does a tremendous amount with a very poorly–written damsel–in– distress female role.

Here's another trollish opinion: Her was actually the best movie of 2013. In a comeback role, Joaquin Phoenix plays Theodore Twombly, who falls in love with the operating system on his phone, Samantha. There's a lot going on here, touching on today's sentiment of dependence on phones and detachment from real human connections. This is all emphasized by climactic scenes in which Twombly discusses his divorce with his ex–wife, played by a phenomenal Rooney Mara, and discusses the future of his relationship with Samantha, voiced by Scarlett Johannson. Really take in Johannson's performance—she's just voice acting here, and she's damn good at it.

I am an absolute sucker for Nora Ephron, and this is her third best film (behind When Harry Met Sally... and Julie & Julia, obviously), but the only one with a heavy tech aspect. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan play Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly who enter an AOL chatroom (remember those?) and begin a flirtatious, anonymous relationship despite being real–life business rivals. Dave Chappelle and Jean Stapleton are along to play sidekicks, which is always fun. The whole thing is perfectly predictable and very pleasant (and is the opposite of Her, if that's more your speed).

Director Miranda July is a darling of the indie–intellectual scene, and this is probably her best movie. As a fair warning, this is a hard movie to understand the first time, but it's interesting to think about. There isn't a plot so much as three different subplots: one about the fledgling relationship between cab driver Christine (July) and Richard (John Hawkes); one about a chatroom run by Peter (Miles Thompson) and Robby (Brandon Ratcliff), six– and fourteen–year–old boys; and one about Heather (Natasha Slayton) and Rebecca (Najarra Townsend), two teenagers who develop an oddly sexual relationship with their neighbor Andrew (Brad William Henke). It's bizarre and a little bit surreal and all comes together in the end with commentary on internet culture.

We all know what The Matrix is.

It's a bit of pop philosophy, a bit of Plato's Cave, a bit of literature and a heaping dose of existential sci–fi doom and gloom. Also, some martial arts. I once heard this movie described as the kind of thing that you could think about for the rest of your life and still not fully understand, which is probably true. But that's also why you enjoy a movie like this.

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FILM & TV

FILMS IRL–PENN STYLE Neighbors When a young family (Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne) settles into their new home, Psi Beta moves in next door, and the couple tries to befriend the guys to look “cool.” They'll try to party with them, until they call the cops "anonymously" and an all–out war breaks out between the neighbors.

The Internship When two typical middle–aged men (Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson) find that they have potential to be something greater than salesmen, they figure out a way to get the highly coveted Google internship in Silicon Valley.

Beige Block All you have to do is go next door, across the block or even into your own backyard and you’re set for the evening. It’s convenience at it’s finest, except when you’re trying to fall asleep. Whether it’s a mixer or an open party, your one hope is that it doesn’t get shut down by the cops.

OCR From info sessions, to coffee chats, to interviews, OCR is a tough time as students compete for internships or full–time jobs at top companies ranging from finance, consulting, start–ups and many others. It becomes an extracurricular activity the first six weeks of the fall and spring semester.

The Graduate After Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) graduates college, he’s back at home trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life.

Pretend you're in X movie at Y campus destination #cinematic Graduation While many either sign over the summer or get their jobs during the year, students still may not be sure if this is exactly what they want to do with their lives. It becomes: Start with the first job, and see where it takes you! And, who knows, by the time we’re in our late twenties, we may be back getting our graduate degrees here too.

Social Network Harvard undergrad Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) is placed on academic probation after hacking various databases while creating FaceMash.com. He then, along with his friend Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield), comes up with the idea of creating a social networking website called thefacebook.com, which would become known as the website we all use today…Facebook.com

PennApps PennApps is known as “The College Hackathon.”

One weekend of nonstop hacking, and it will probably breed the next Mark Zuckerberg too.

(Ed. note: Or go on Facebook.)

Fling Spring Fling. Penn’s biggest party of the year, and it’s not just one night… it’s a long weekend. Many say fling really starts Wednesday and festivities range from Thursday’s downtown, darties, carnival, pool party and school sanctioned activities and performances in the Quad, so by Friday night many don’t even end up making it out to the concert SPEC spends much of the year planning and organizing. People spend the night recovering, so when Saturday rolls around, we’re reenergized to fling and get flung.

Project X When the opportunity strikes, three high school seniors try to make their mark by throwing an unforgettable party. It begins with a small birthday but when word gets out, news spreads like wildfire. Chaos ensues and the night makes for an unforgettable evening.

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Getting into Penn It’s senior year of high school and all we want is to get that big fat envelope (or, rather, email) giving us the security that we are going to college. Whether you went ED or Regular Decision to Penn, the Social Ivy would become your home for the next four years.

Hunger Games When all twelve districts gather together for the Capitol of Panem’s annual Hunger Games competition, two citizens from each district are chosen, and they fight to the death until only one victor remains.

Wharton SABRE, a game simulation all Marketing101 students partake in, is a competition within your recitation. Rounds range from making money, losing money or even going into the negatives with your loss. Your team becomes a district, and as the rounds continue, you are driven to win and get the best grade too. (OMG REAL LIFE.)

HALLIE BROOKMAN

Mon

Accepted Bartleby (Justin Long) didn’t get into any of the colleges he applied to, so instead, he and his friends created one: South Harmon Institute of Technology (aka SHIT), where “Acceptance is just a click away.”

ARTS

ARTS

PETER LABERGE PUBLISHED TWO BOOKS AND STARTED A LITERARY MAGAZINE. HBU? Meet the poet who would kill Shakespeare (if he had to).

This week, Street met up with Peter LaBerge, a junior from Greenwich, Connecticut who is studying English with a concentration in Creative Writing and a minor in Consumer Psych. Peter is a published poet, student entrepreneur and the founder/Editor–in–Chief of The Adroit Journal, a literary magazine which has received over 28– thousand submissions since its conception in 2011. Peter has also received a variety of awards and fellowships for his creative writing and recently published his first anthology, Poets on Growth (Math Paper Press), as well as his first chapbook, Hook (Sibling Rivalry Press). Here are his thoughts on poetry, basketball and everything in between.

Street: Tell us about yourself and about how you began writing poetry.

Peter LeBerge: I was fifteen, a freshman in high school, and honestly at a pretty low point in life. I was frustrated, and I felt like I had all of this energy to devote to something, but nothing I cared enough about. I went through brief affairs with French language (don’t ask me about this, because I don’t remember any of it now), probability and statistics and a colossal seven–year affair with classical piano before writing even entered my mind.

I did all of the things I thought I should traditionally enjoy as a teenage boy. I played basketball and tried to hang out exclusively with the kind of guys who understood football and girls and little else—I was caught between conflicting selves, and I wasn’t very good at managing either of them.

At the end of my freshman year, my high school’s literary magazine published a poem of mine. For the first time, I felt in my element, like I had something worth sharing with the world.

Street: Did you face a lot of rejection from publications starting out?

PL: Short answer: Heck yes. Long answer: Heck yes, and I still do.

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When I was sixteen and submitting to top–tier adult literary magazines, I was mostly collecting rejections. I trusted that one day, a magazine would look at my work and appreciate it enough to give it the time of day. Everyone has a different idea of what poetry is and what good poetry is, and the sooner you realize that, the better.

Street: You also started your own literary magazine. How did that come about?

PL: In November 2010, I founded The Adroit Journal, an online quarterly publication featuring poetry, prose and art from established and emerging writers.

As soon as I began sophomore year of high school, I immediately joined the staff of the campus literary magazine. I loved it, and by November 2010, I was sure that this was the miracle passion I had so desperately awaited.

Before I came to Penn, the journal was in print and had a dreadfully low readership (about forty people, if that).

Once I got here, I met with the good people of the Kelly Writers House, and they encouraged me to consider bringing the journal’s quality content online.

The current issue, released last month, saw about 45–thousand impressions in its first three weeks online. In retrospect, I totally had no idea what running a literary publication actually entailed. It takes an enormous amount of persistence, resilience and drive to produce something that the world has never seen before.

Street: It seems like you've come a long way since establishing your magazine––what has been the biggest obstacle thus far?

PL: I would say the biggest obstacle is definitely being a student. Any room for teenage voices in the industry is often confined to the online blogosphere or literary and publishing resources that are specifically created for teens.

The founding and development of The Adroit Journal goes directly against all of this, so naturally, a lot of the journal’s early days felt like swimming upstream. Whether intentional or not, there was a clear disconnect between the classroom and the professional literary world.

I think The Adroit Journal has risen to its current level because of the combined force of all the frustration and energy from the world’s talented young writers. I’m thrilled that the journal’s presence has been able to open doors for many of its young contributors, staff readers and summer mentorship students.

In 2014, a college student’s story featured in the journal was recognized in "The Best American Nonrequired Reading," while an essay by an eighteen–year–old was included in "The Best of the Net." In 2015, an Adroit poem by a college freshman was included in "Best New Poets 2015," after the youngest poet to date (Talin Tahajian, at the age of eighteen) was included while serving as a Poetry Editor for the journal in 2014.

The reality is, we (as teenage writers sitting at “the big kids table”)

feel like a minority more times than not. We are a minority, of sorts. We all just strive to be taken seriously, so I’m very grateful for any boundaries the journal and its network can push.

Street: Returning to your initial response: How is basketball like poetry?

PL: Well, in a lot of ways, it actually isn’t. Poetry is probably the least inherently competitive activity in society today—it's all about collaboration, communication and connection. Basketball came to represent everything that I thought I needed to understand and enjoy throughout middle school and the early stages of high school.

Poetry made me feel all of the ways basketball should have made me feel. Poetry made me realize that for all those years of scuffed knees and free throws, I was trying to live and thrive in this teeny tiny, socially–constructed, "masculine" box. Some boys and men enjoy basketball. Some boys and men are good at basketball. That’s great.

I happen to not be one of them.

That’s also great.

Street: Favorite contemporary poets. Go. PL: I’m going to list eight. YOLO. These are poets whose work I adore to pieces. So many people think that poetry can be boiled down to this one tired unit on the same four sonnets, the same poem by Robert Frost or (if we’re lucky) the same poem or two by a mainstream contemporary poet like Mary Oliver.

No, people! There is a poem/ poet for everyone, and there is some obligation as a human being to find it and to experience human connection at its most visceral and unapologetic.

I should also add that my favorite poets are often the poets I’ve most recently read. But, for now, let these flawless poets guide you: Terrance

Hayes, Mary Ruefle, Bruce Snider, Tarfia Faizullah, Carl Phillips, Frank Bidart, Natasha Trethewey and Ocean Vuong.

Street: Lightning round! Fuck, Marry, Kill: Shakespeare, Neruda, Edgar Allan Poe. PL: Honestly, this is the easiest question so far. If I had to, I would probably fuck Neruda. I would kill Shakespeare, because I literally #can'teven with sonnets, but then I might regret it, because a) I like his plays, b) I feel like there’s a (very) small chance that one day I could see the sonnet light and c) I feel like killing Shakespeare would probably be a career ender. And I would obviously marry Edgar Allan Poe as a means of fulfilling my dream of being a miserable artiste.

Honestly, I’m not quick enough on my feet to think of a cliche every time I want to say something. On the flip side, I feel like singing my poems would lead to an arrest, probably for public indecency. Like, my poems would definitely need to get a room, and I don’t think I could think I could psychologically handle that.

Street: And finally, Hillary Clinton or Hilary Duff?

PL: Easy. Hillary Clinton on a vespa in Rome.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Street: Would you rather talk in cliches for the rest of your life or have to sing all of your poems?

PL: This is a harder one, because I feel I’m screwed either way.

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THINGS THAT WOULD BE WORSE THAN TRUMP Donald Trump is leading the Republican polls (maybe?), BECOMING PRESIDENT and it appears he may actually become President. In a suLOWBROW

There aren't many, but here are a few—if you can believe it.

Global zombie infestation Bioterrorism (e.g., bubonic plague) The national anthem is changed to "Party in the USA" Kim Kardashian as the first lady… ..Which means Kanye as Mr. Prez… ..And North West as the symbol of our nation Justin Bieber as the voice of our generation Canada is added as a 51st state Vengeful polar bears roaming the cities, mauling random pedestrians and fulfilling their vendetta against humankind… ..Which means Trump would deport the polar bears The sun exploding Mass human extinction

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per legitimate interview this past week, he announced that all he does is win. "To me, it's all about winning. I'm going to win. DJ Khaled's 'All I Do Is Win'? Literally my lifestyle," Trump said.

But here at Lowbrow, we like to think positively. Sure, President Donald Trump would probably deport anyone he doesn't like. He would seize "the classy parts" of the world for the US of A. He would accuse every woman of being butt–ugly and/or trying to sleep with him. He would say a bunch of stupid shit to make the rest of the world hate him. And the White House would be repainted to match the spicy–Dorito color of his complexion. But is President Trump the worst thing that could happen to 'Murica? NO.

LOWBROW

WHERE TO GO AFTER BABY PARTS: THE NEXT MOVE FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD IN A LISTICLE

Obviously, the baby murdering torture mill that is known as Planned Parenthood is just in it for the moola. They want the ca$h, and they'll do anything for it.

What's next for the infant harvesters? Lowbrow investigates ten other things Planned Parenthood could sell next to fund their evil clinics.

1. Autism–causing vaccines made from the tears of teens.

5. David Beckham H&M socks as contraception.

2. Kindle for fires, made entirely out of important paperwork.

6. Copies of Taylor Swift’s 1989, also as contraception.

3. Homemade baked goods in the largest, nationwide bake sale.

7. Homemade babies in the largest nationwide baby sale.

4. Eyeballs for spooky Halloween parties harvested from random passersby.

8. Wigs made from the patients' hair after it falls out from stress.

LOWBROW IS AS FAKE AS HILLARY'S SMOOTH FOREHEAD. AND DONALD TRUMP'S HAIR.

9. Elephants. (Ed. note: These appeared in the room after these women were no longer provided services.)

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