October 20—26, 2016 34st.com
leave it
behind DEBUNKING LEAVE OF ABSENCE MYTHS
october 20
LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR
2016
LOL
I’m going to tell you a story. Monday night, I couldn’t fall asleep. I tried my hardest (I listened to music, took a shower), but I still wound up staring at my ceiling until 4:30 a.m. After I fell asleep I slept through all of my alarms. I woke up disoriented and annoyed, but I got up, got dressed and stepped outside of my house....only to be hit with the most obnoxious wave of heat I have ever experienced in my life (this is only a little dramatic). Let me just take a moment to remind everyone that it is OCTOBER. In October we wear pants and scarves and sweaters and boots. We do not wear shorts, we do not wear dresses without tights and we certainly do not sweat on our way to class. Say what you will about East Coast weather, but we have Fall and Spring and they are called SEASONS and they are pleasant and enjoyable and well deserved after the hell that is a Philadelphia summer. This, THIS was not Fall. Still, I really needed to mail a package, so I left the house and dragged my tired self to Campus Copy. After I dropped off my returns I made my
3 HIGHBROW
what your fall accessory says about you, overheards, highbrow
4 WORD ON THE STREET fly away
5 EGO
eotw: Pallavi Wakharkar, who let the dogs out
LOL
LOL
8 TECH
snapchat filters, Q&A with the internet
12 FEATURE
leaves of absence
15 VICE & VIRTUE
kinky sex, explaining greek life to parents
LOL
LOL
18 F&TV
film festival preview, f&tv big shots
20 ARTS
ICA review, Cherry review
22 LOWBROW LOL
Hillary Clinton attends a frat party, quiz: are you a pile of fallen leaves?
34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief Mikaela Gilbert–Lurie, Managing Editor Giulia Imholte, Audience Engagement Director Jeffrey Yang, Design Director Remi Lederman, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Genevieve Glatsky, Features Editor Orly Greenberg, Features Editor Mark Paraskevas, Supplemental Features Editor Dani Blum, Word on the Street Editor Julie Levitan, Word on the Street Editor Genny Hagedorn, Campus Editor Stephanie Barron, Culture Editor Emily Schwartz, Entertainment Editor Jack Cody, Humor Editor Sydney Hard, Music Editor Alix Steerman, Highbrow Beat Jackie Lawyer, Highbrow Beat 2
way down the rest of Walnut, but I couldn’t decide where I wanted to get coffee or where I wanted to do work, and by the time I made it to United By Blue I was sweaty and unhappy and I hated my outfit. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think of doing: I called an Uber and went home. This is a true story. This is also, on the face of it, perhaps one of the sillier things I have done. However, I think there is something to be said for starting over. It is often easier said than done, and calling an Uber and then spending 45 minutes picking out a new outfit may not always be the most practical, but some times even the smallest reset can have a huge impact. It is very easy to get caught up in a routine, and it is much harder to break one. But sometimes all we need is step back, take a deep beath, and put on a white shirt instead of a black one. Let my $5.75 Uber remind you of that.
DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH MORE FREQUENTLY YOU USE THE WORD "SPOOKY" IN OCTOBER THAN IN OTHER MONTHS? MAKES YOU THINK, HUH. COME TO OUR SPOOKY WRITERS' MEETING TONIGHT AT 6:3O PM, 4015 WALNUT. Mike Coyne, Ego Beat Liz Heit, Ego Beat Zoe Albano–Oritt, Music Beat Jamie Gobreski, Music Beat Olivia Fitzpatrick, Music Beat Colin Lodewick, Arts Beat Claris Park, Arts Beat Nick Joyner, Film & TV Beat Dayzia Terry, Film & TV Beat Caroline Harris, Tech Beat Aaron Kim, Tech Beat Haley Weiss, Vice & Virtue Beat Andreas Pavlou, Vice & Virtue Beat Katie Marshall, Lowbrow Beat Andrea Begleiter, Lowbrow Beat Nadia Kim, Design Editor Sofie Praestgaard, Design Editor Zack Greenstein, Design Editor Carissa Zou, Design Editor
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Gloria Yuen, Illustrator Anne Marie Grudem, Illustrator
Staff Photographers: Gian Paul Graziosi, Brinda Ramesh, Julie Chu Cheong
Alex Fisher, Photo Editor Julie Chu Cheong, Photo Editor Brinda Ramesh, Photo Editor Young Lee, Video Editor
Contributors: Natalia Sanchez-Nigolian, Molly Hessel, Claudia Silver, Emily Cieslak Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Brinda Ramesh and Julie Chu Cheong.
Sara Thalheimer, Copy Director Annabelle Williams, Copy Editor Morgan Potts, Copy Editor Kyler McVay, Copy Editor Perren Carillo, Copy Editor
Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at johns@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 898-6585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com
Sofia Price, Social Media Editor Sanika Puranik, Social Media Editor
"I'm trying to tell a story but I can't when you guys are talking about Siamese twins" ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.
Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman, Hannah Noyes, Johanna Matt, Nick Castoria & Amanda Rota
HIGHBROW
WHAT YOUR GO–TO FALL ACCESSORY SAYS ABOUT YOU
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With colder weather comes cooler fashion—or at least, that's what we thought.
Infinity scarf: As a believer in the practices of Buddha, you desire to live life as a free spirit. You take your accessories almost as seriously as you take doing yoga and eating quinoa. Your circle scarf symbolizes rebirth. It’s more than just a scarf, it’s a mindset.
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Fur vest: Real or fake? You decide. But whichever it is, you’re the exact same. PETA might be furious, but if you’re the truest betch, then mink is all that matters. On the other hand, if you’re into the trend but still trying to remain PC, then we’d bet your vest is synthetic. Which is great because you’re saving money and animals, but also horrible because it looks like you bought a bath mat from target and cut holes out for your arms. Nevertheless, you do you.
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Puffy vest: You’re a lovable and outdoorsy hippie who actually gets excited about recycling. However, if your puffy vest is of the Canada Goose variety, you’re stepping into a whole other ball game. Fall in Philadelphia is a pretty mild season; it rarely dips below 45 degrees. This means that you don’t need to wear a vest that is meant for below–zero temperatures, unless you want people to guess at your parents’ net worth.
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Combat boots: You like to look edgy but are actually just really practical. You get to stomp around campus in your faded “army” (aka Steve Madden) boots pretending like you give no fucks but in actuality, your boots are just a comfortable walking shoe roomy enough to hide your fuzzy socks.
THEROUNDUP This weekend, children of proud Penn parents turned legacy into legendary when they decided to put generations of Penn partying together. In order to let you know what went down this weekend, Highbrow’s here to get unfiltered. While some of you were developing candy crushes on that blonde freshman in Mask and Wig’s production of “Magic Mike and Ike,” others were busy being Razzle(s) dazzled by real strippers. A Chi O Junior (Mint) spent upwards of $700 on three strippers for her 21st birthday bash. If the costumes of the Magic Mike wannabes (policeman, fireman and gynecologist) weren’t enough to make guests snicker(s), a few of the girls volunteered to Lollipop lock and drop it themselves. One of the Chick(let)s had such a good Tootsie Roll that she was able to score a dancer’s digits. He sent her a half naked mirror selfie later in the night, in hopes that it would give her Reese–on to
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Beanies: Your beanie is your security blanket. Without it, who would you be? Or even more concerning, where would you be? Without the beanie, you’d probably still be brushing the rat’s nest of dirty hair from last night’s frat faux pas. But, with the beanie, all your worries will wash away and you’ll have plenty of time to sit in VP and pretend to do work.
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Sunglasses: We want to tell you / that you are the worst person / please take them off, now. Alert: This was written in Haiku so that you can understand, in the simplest of terms, that it’s just not time for these anymore. High sock–High Boot Combo: As someone who’s all about overachieving, you can’t go anywhere without your “trendy” high socks that peek out ever–so–slightly over your already–high boots. It’s like you want people to know you have socks on and that they’re so freaking cute, just like you want them to know how you got the highest score on your last chem exam and it was so freaking hard. We get it, you’re motivated.
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Velvet choker: As arguably the least reasonable accessory in light of the weather, it also says you’re not one who places function over fashion. You’re one hardcore betch. You literally have to plan to wear a shirt, sweater or jacket that doesn’t cover up your choker when we all know you just want to throw on that turtleneck and snuggle up in blankets. You’re the person who always goes without the fracket because if you’re going to put in work to look good, there’s no way you’re going to cover it up—not even at the risk of getting hypothermia.
respond. The Sugar Daddies didn’t stop there though. Clad only in banana hammocks, they had a few more Twix up their sleeves––including moving their Twinkies to the side so that girls could take body shots from in between their legs. Talk about a sweet escape. Even though Neighbors Two: Sorority Rising falls into the category of “sequels that never should have been made,” an off–campus Beta house and their neighbors seem to want to turn the series into a trilogy. What started out as a gentle threat made by the girls next door has turned into an unofficial prank war. The girls started the battle by threatening to call the police on Beta State Day when belligerent Beta brothers started loudly dartying at 8 a.m. without warning them. After a few shouting matches and intoxicated interactions over the past few weeks, the girls woke up to find a dead squirrel and a puddle, resulting from a wandering Beta boy who chose to break the seal right outside their door. Not to be outdone, the lovely ladies waited all day for the deceased rodent to rot and then threw it onto Beta’s porch in
over heard PENN at
Quizzical horndog: Do you think vegans swallow? Like, are they allowed to? Fuzzy feminist: I like how now if I don’t shave my legs for three weeks I can pass it off as social commentary instead of laziness. Radian elevator rider: Castle is just a bunch of really weird Swedish people. Travel guru: The Spirit Airlines flight was much more sceney, but I took Delta because didn't want to risk cancellation. Guy 1: Guess what my religion is. Guy 2: He’s voting for Trump. Guy 3: Evangelical?
the dark of the night as a passive aggressive warning. Speaking of animals, one senior was found monk(eying) around this weekend over e-mail. Things got wild after an e-mail was sent by a Penn Professor to the Hub listserv saying that this senior could solely be contacted by snail mail because she is embarking on a meaningful, month-long vow of silence for a class. The e-mail said it would be impossible to reach her through any other form of communication. But, after only a few days of living the monk life, the SWUG decided it just wasn’t for her. She boldy responded to the e–mail that the Professor sent and basically confused everyone. Once people realized she broke her vow of silence, all hell broke loose. Sources say she took her e–mail extravaganza even further and resurfaced the Freshman 2013 listserv, which everyone thinks should’ve died alongside tall Ugg boots and other 2013 trends. The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact. O C T O B E R 2 0 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
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WORD ON THE STREET
word on the STREET At first glance, the sweat–slicked room where I take spin classes three times a week seems like a club. The music is loud and pulsing; the room is mostly dark except for glowing lights. But look more closely and there are rows of stationary bikes, along with an uplifting instructor whose main goal is to motivate you. This motivation differs from person to person, but it's completely different from the gentle affirmation you get from yoga instructors. Welcome to Flywheel. I'm addicted to these classes. I first discovered Flywheel the summer after my sophomore year. I was living in a sorority house at George Washington University and working on Capitol Hill every day. I was also attempting to battle depression and an eating disorder. Slowly over the course of my sophomore year at Penn, the seasonal depression that has affected me since my early teens led me down a path of self–destruction. I didn’t care about my health or my wellbeing anymore. When friends and family told me how thin I looked, I would attribute it to going gluten–free and adopting a healthier diet. What they didn’t know was that I threw up everything I ate. That I spent my weekends staying up until I saw sun. That I dragged myself to every party and every Sink or Swim. I had my own room and bathroom that year, and I used the privacy to hide my problems. I was alone all the time, and I lost myself. I remember obsessively stepping on my scale and feeling satisfied when I saw the same number I had weighed when I was twelve. I pulled on the romper I was wearing out that night, which I had bought weeks before and was a tad too small. Soon, it was so big it fell off my body. That’s when I realized something was wrong. When I moved to Washington, DC, I was living in a nine–by–nine foot cave, sharing a room for the first time since my ill–fated freshman year experience in the quad. Suddenly, the vomiting I had kept under wraps all year was shoved into the forefront of my
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FLY AWAY
How spin classes saved me.
HANNAH NOYES
Illustration by Anne Marie Grudem
public life. I felt extremely self–conscious about my disorder. I decided I would have to shape up, fast, before people found out about my problem. I was still terrified about gaining weight, though, so I decided I would have to start working out. Let’s be clear: I can count the number of times I’ve been to a gym on one hand. I would always tell people I would rather not eat than work out, and they were jealous as hell of the self–control that I apparently had built up. I thought taking a class would be the best way to introduce myself to exercise. I chose Flywheel because I wanted a trendy, boutique fitness class I could Snapchat. I can see now how shallow I was. I needed to confirm the self–image I had carefully curated—that everything about me was stable and together, and that above all else, I was a Cool Girl. It was these classes—the ones my friends tease me about for being “basic”—that helped me mitigate my depression and recover from my eating disorder. By conquering my fear of working out and
getting into the group mentality of Flywheel, I found myself again. I figured out that I would have to eat something or else I wouldn’t be able to keep stride with the person next to me. I was proud of myself for spinning before work and starting my day early. I passed on the late nights at Sign of the Whale (the Smokes’ of DC) in order to wake up to go to Flywheel at 6 a.m. I had never been able to let go of my thoughts until that summer. Flywheel gave me an hour of my day when I could actually let my mind go blank. Two years later, I’m still hooked on Flywheel. I’ve managed to drag every single one of my friends, parents and my boyfriend to a class or two. I don’t feel the need to defend it to my eye–rolling friends when I show up somewhere late because I forgot to mention I was hitting the 9 a.m. class with Kate, or when I head into my geology lecture still covered in sweat. I don’t need to justify myself when someone makes the inevitable comment about how betchy spin classes are. Flywheel is my therapy. And hey, don't knock it until you try it.
EGO
EGOOF THE WEEK: PALLAVI WAKHARKAR
If you've ever been shitty to this week's Ego, she may or may not have already written about it and shared with others. complicit in all these systems of rejection, not feeling like you’re good enough. But I think as somebody who was rejected from the group that I have come to lead, rejection is something that we face all the time. As a senior right now, I’m getting rejected from jobs literally on the daily. I think it’s really important to not think of rejection as something that’s the end–all be–all but just kind of a notification from the world that this wasn’t the right path for you. We’re rejected every single day and people don’t really talk about it, especially [during] this time of year. A lot of things are going on, especially OCR–[there is] a lot of job interviews and you only really Street: How did you get involved hear about people’s successes. in Excelano? PW: So I’ve always been writStreet: What would you say is ing. Ever since I was a little kid, your dream job? I would write these weird little PW: I think my dream job would stories and I’d keep them in folders be to just live in a city somewhere labeled confidential. I’d do that and write books. And the sad all the time and I would draw thing is it’s not necessarily too pictures of characters that had just feasible, at least at first. I think elaborate stories that I would make for now I’d be really happy just up. So I knew about Excelano breaking into something… I’m actually before I got into Penn. not too sure what I want to do. I thought they were so cool. I I think a lot of people say things watched all [of] their YouTube like, 'I don’t know what I’m doing videos. But I actually auditioned but it’s totally fine.' For me, I wish freshman fall and I didn’t make that’s how I was, but it’s not. I wish it at first. I think that was really I knew what I was doing. I’m okay important to me because it gave with admitting that. me a chance to kind of figure out what I really wanted to do at Penn. Street: You help build sets and I wondered if it was a good fit for pretty much everything for me and I decided to try out one Bloomers. Have you learned more time and see what happened. your way around all the power And I got it, and it’s been just an tools? amazing community of people PW: Yeah, I have. That’s been who really support each other. something that’s been really empowering, is just learning how Street: Do you have any advice to use power tools like saws and for people who are scared to try drills. It’s something that women and get into performing arts or aren’t really taught to do. And so have been rejected? it feels good to make things with PW: I think that’s the really unfor- your hands. tunate part about a lot of clubs at Penn, is that they’re just inherently Street: When you're performexclusive. We join them, and we ing a pre–written piece for want to be in them, yet we’re VagMons, how do you get into Street: What have you learned from stepping into performing arts? What has been formative about it? Pallavi Wakharkar: I definitely think what’s been formative are the communities I’ve gained from being a part of performing arts. It’s really a tight–knit community, no matter what group you’re in. And no matter what role you play, you’re still important. So through Excelano, I’m a performer. But through Bloomers, I’m behind the scenes doing tech. And so I think it’s pretty cool to be able to do both of those things and see both the different sides of performing arts… Performing arts isn’t easy.
performing and connecting with it? PW: So last year I performed a really important piece called “My Vagina Was My Village,” and it’s about how rape and sexual assault were used as systematic tools of war during the Bosnia conflict or the Bosnian Civil War. That’s a piece I could really connect to personally and I kind of was able to put myself in that emotional state and, while I couldn't relate to everything I was performing, I felt it, deeply, and so I think that’s a really interesting thing about performing. For me it’s kind of putting yourself in a certain mental space. Street: What’s your writing process like? PW: In terms of my personal writing process, I keep a journal which I write in quite frequently. I usually write when I’m feeling something deeply, like when I’m really sad or anxious or stressed. It really helps me to put it on a page
and seeing words on a page [makes] whatever it is [bothering me] a lot smaller. Street: There are two types of people at Penn... PW: [P]eople who make time and people who don’t, and oftentimes I am both of those people. But I really try to be somebody who makes time for others, and that’s really important at a place like Penn.
Name: Pallavi Wakharkar Hometown: Phoenix, Arizona Major: English and Political Science Activities: Excelano, Bloomers, Alternative Spring Break, VagMons, Sphinx, Oracle Sisters, Friars, Kinoki someone else. That’s definitely something I do, if you’ve hurt my feelings or generally been shitty to me, I probably wrote about it and shared it with others.
Street: What would you be infamous for? PW: I think I could be infamous for writing a book or a poem directly about
INTERVIEW CONDUCTED BY MIKE COYNE AND LIZ HEIT
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EGO
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? (STREET DID) Please refrain from attempting to steal the animals you read about below. We know, it’s hard. You’ve seen them from afar, or maybe you’ve even gotten to spend some quality time with one of them (consider yourself lucky), but regardless, you know who they are. That’s right, we’re talking frat dogs. Read on to meet some of Penn’s fluffiest, friendliest, and most joy-inducing creatures and learn about their fav treats, places to SABS, and the behavior that could find them in The RoundUp one of these days…
INDIE
Age (Dog Years): 20 Affiliation: Phi Delt Indie in three words: Timid, Loyal, Loving Favorite Treat: Hamburger Favorite Place on Campus: Her owner’s room. Bad Behavior: She refuses to pick up on any of the Swedish her owner is trying to teach her. He figured the sounds would be easier for her to pick up than English, but it isn't sticking, unfortunately.
TEDDY
Age (Dog Years): 19 Affiliation: Kappa Sig Teddy in three words: Stubborn, Stunning, Sweet Favorite Treat: Iams dog treats Favorite Place on Campus: Penn Park Bad Behavior: Teddy ran down the first child he ever saw, playing a game of chase with an unwilling participant, read: A terrified little girl who ran off Locust and into Phi Delt to try to escape. Teddy, of course, thought they were just having fun.
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BRUNO
Age (Dog Years): 40 Affiliation: Sig Ep Bruno in three words: Popular, Feisty, Spirited Favorite Treat: Bacon Bits Favorite Place on Campus: Locust Walk Bad Behavior: Bruno gets riled up and sprints around the house… and sometimes he poops on the stairs.
TECH
Q&A WITH THE INTERNET ON THE ELECTION
America may be doomed but at least the online community is thriving.
The 2016 presidential election is becoming the first internet election. First came Trump Yourself—Clinton's app for pasting Trump quotes onto people's profile pictures. Then came Twitter battles, viral memes mocking the election, live streams and gifs. Penn students voiced their political beliefs through Snapchat stories and Facebook statuses. Trump and Clinton took to Twitter like no presidential candidates ever before—and so did the voting population. In the spirit of all this, Street decided to type the candidates' names into google to see what the most helpful suggested searches were. This is what we found:
Helpful for answering the question: What are some of the major questions you have about the 2016 presidential candidates? The Internet: Is Hillary Clinton a reptilian? Is Hillary Clinton a robot? Are reptilians running the US government? Is Donald Trump dead? Is Donald Trump a democrat? Is Donald Trump a priest? Did Bernie Sanders die? Helpful for answering the question: What information will inform your vote in the upcoming election? TI: Hillary Clinton— Reptilian Shape Shifting Video Clip (Aliens are Real). Funny cats, brilliant cats— Brilliant cat attacks Donald Trump image. Buzzfeed: You're 18% Trump! Buzzfeed: A ranking of the hottest US Presidents.
Helpful for answering the question: What are the top voting issues in the 2016 election? TI: Donald Trump's actual hand size, Hillary Clinton's pantsuit rainbow, The Reptilian Elite, cult stuff, the price of an Armani suit, Melania Trump's "pussy–bow" blouse, hot photos of young Tim Kaine. Helpful for answering the question: What are the most important issues in American politics? TI: What do the scary clowns want? Can I write in Mickey Mouse for president? Is Melania Trump a regulation hottie? Why can't America be more like Canada? Should the Philadelphia Zoo name its new baby gorilla Harambe? (Ed. note: I personally voted for "Harambetter.")
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Illustration by Sofie Praestgaard
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TECH
WHAT YOUR FAVORITE SNAPCHAT FILTER SAYS ABOUT YOU Answer: a lot.
ANDREAS PAVLOU
Snapchat has, in recent years, become one of the primary social media platforms by which we stalk our past hookups, potential hookups and people we wish we could hook up with but are too scared to speak to. At any given moment, you can click on a story and see what someone was doing and how long ago they were doing it. Brb, running to Smokes', bae–who–doesn't–know–they–are–bae has a pitcher. But did you know that a person's favorite filter can provide insight into their personality and relationships even more scientific than their horoscope? THE DOG As an avid user of the dog filter, you’re innocent and well–loved, but a tad basic. A little broken inside but you're willing to pull it together for the snap. Based on Snapchat it seems like all you do is eat at restaurants and ride around in the passenger seat singing along to rap music. Soulmate: Flower Crown Best friend: Golden Wreath THE FLOWER CROWN Flower crown lovers take
self obsession to a new level. You always think you look good and you want everyone to know (hence a story that is over one minute). You’re definitely the messy friend of the group. Soulmate: Dog Filter Best Friend: Sad Face THE FACE SWAP Face swap users are hard to understand. The sheer creepiness of the filter leads us to believe that you’re probably drunk in which case we're
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impressed by your intoxicated phone skills, but you're also kind of quirky when sober. You probably get really political on Facebook and then talk
about how being active on social media is dumb. Soulmate: Sad Face Best Friend: Face Warp THE SAD FACE You wear leggings and sweatshirts to class every day. You never bother taking your hair out of its ponytail or your glasses off for a photo. You are definitely snapping about how hungry you are and how boring your lecture is. Honestly, this can't reasonably be called a filter—it's a window to your sad, sad soul. Soulmate: Dog Filter Best Friend: Makeup Filter THE MAKE–UP You are the person the dog filter barks at for being basic. You're super vain but also quite lazy. You definitely have a boyfriend you can't stand and love complaining that nobody ever invites you out.
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Soulmate: Dog Filter (because, as stated above, you can't stand each other) Best Friend: Sad Face
THE GOLDEN WREATH You're fun–loving and cute. You have an alternative taste in music, but secretly love listening to '90s pop hits. And you're really flaky. Soulmate: The Filter–Filter Best Friend: Face Swap THE FILTER–FILTER You probably take yourself a little too seriously and wear cocktail dresses to kick–backs. You think that Selena Gomez is a good singer, and you never Venmo charge anyone for Ubers. What are you even doing on Snapchat? Take your filtered ass back to Instagram where it belongs. Soulmate: Face Swap Best Friend: Golden Wreath THE FACE WARP You operate on the philosophy that if it's not funny, it shouldn't go on social media. But let's be real here, you think you're funnier than you really are. Also, you're definitely into kinky stuff in bed. Soulmate: Flower Crown Best Friend: Face Swap
TECH
THE QUESTION THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASKED IN THE DEBATE LAST NIGHT: IT COSTS ALMOST TWICE AS MUCH TO MINT PENNIES AND NICKLES AS THE COINS ARE WORTH. TAXPAYERS LOST MORE THAN $100 MILLION JUST THROUGH MAKING COINS LAST YEAR. WHY ARE WE STILL MINTING PENNIES? THIS ISN'T A JOKE THIS IS A REAL POLITICAL ISSUE. I WANT ANSWERS.
T H G I N Y A D N O M
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F E AT U R E
t is August 11, 2013, and Madeline McCallum (C ‘17) is celebrating her 18th birthday from a hospital in North Carolina. Nine months earlier in November 2012, Madeline was severely underweight. Struggling with an eating disorder that and lasted all throughout high school, Madeline was in a dark spiral, depressed and anxious. In the middle of the night that November, Madeline called her parents, packed her bags and caught the next flight back to her home in South Carolina. Shortly after, Madeline found herself in a hospital in a treatment facility for eating disorders. Before her second semester at Penn even began, Madeline was officially on a leave of absence. Madeline’s journey and ultimate decision to take a leave of absence from Penn is not all that unusual. While many students take leaves for mental health reasons like Madeline, others find they need an academic break, and others do so to pursue unique opportunities. Yet despite these wide–ranging experiences, the prevailing attitude towards leaves of absence among Penn students is one of misinformed stigma. Why are we so reluctant to normalize leaves of absence, and what does this reluctance reveal about our student body? "
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t’s hard for a lot of people to wrap their head around, to think of college as different than the archetypal structure we have where it’s four years, bang, bang, bang. I had to realize that that’s maybe not going to work for me, and that’s going to be fine,” explains Madeline. Madeline is not the only student who didn’t find the standard four–year timeline conducive to a successful college experience. Penn has several processes in place to help students who are thinking of taking a leave or otherwise facing educational difficulties to ultimately take that step. Typically, that process begins with Academic Advising. “Rarely does it begin with a student coming in and asking about taking a leave. Often it is a student coming in and presenting some kind of complication, problem, confusion that’s going on,” tells Dr. Janet Tighe, Director of Academic Advising in the College. Oftentimes, students’ obstacles can be solved by trying solutions like withdrawing from a course, changing a grading system or rearranging a schedule. If a student is still struggling with his or her academic or personal challenges despite new supports put in place, advisors may suggest that the student consider a leave. This was the case for Nick Moncy (C ‘17), a student who chose to address his academic challenges by taking a leave of absence after his junior year. Nick’s academic troubles began as a sophomore when he built a rigorous class schedule and tried to balance it with a loaded plate of extracurricular activities. Though he failed two classes that sophomore year and was placed on academic probation, Nick again filled up his schedule as
F E AT U R E
a junior with challenging courses. It eventually became too much to handle. He had started skipping class and sleeping excessively when his advisor strongly recommended that he take a leave. “I guess part of it is everyone around you is working super hard,” admits Nick. “I felt compelled to do everything.” Once Nick and his support at Academic Advising agreed that a leave of absence would be the best course of action, Nick took the next steps. “As far as process, it’s pretty straightforward,” Dr. Tighe explains. “I can’t think of a time when the committee did not approve a leave.” While on leave, Nick went home to Miami to finish his junior year courses. He picked up a job at a Forever 21, worked on his art, taught himself how to code and interned at Miami’s Institute of Contemporary Art. But despite the myriad opportunities Nick pursued in his time away from Penn and the extensive skills he gained, Penn students are still reluctant to accept any alternative to the traditional trajectory of college. “There’s more to life than college. College is not the end–all to everything...I realized that not only am I capable of getting through the rest of Penn and making something of myself, but I also learned when to ask for help and use my resources,” explained Nick. cademic Advising, though, is not the only place where students turn to start the leave–taking process. Counseling and Psychology Services (CAPS) frequently encounters students considering a leave not for academic reasons like Nick, but for mental health ones like Madeline. In a given year, CAPS sees 450 to 470 students take a leave of absence for mental health reasons. Approximately 5% of students take a leave of absence in each graduating class. “What happens is someone in the community becomes aware that a student could benefit from a leave of absence. A lot of times that involves CAPS when it has something to do with some sort of psychological distress,” explains Dr. Bill Alexander, director of CAPS. Although leaves of absence must be officially granted by each student’s individual college, CAPS can help recognize when students may need to approach their college to get the formal steps moving. It can communicate with students or their clinicians while they are on leave, tracking progress. CAPS can even help find treatment or suggest clinicians in students’ home cities or in Philadelphia. hough often still kept under the radar by the general Penn community, some students students request a leave of absence for reasons other than academic difficulty or mental
health—often to capitalize on a passion outside of Penn. “Some students are taking a leave, and this is where the conversation may come in, which is, ‘I want to take a leave, I want to do something which I know is going to take up a lot of my time and I don’t think I can do that as well as go to class and do as well as I want to,’” Dr. Tighe shares. Dr. Tighe recalls a student, for example, whose family underwent severe damage from Hurricane Sandy and wanted to go home to help. Common cases for taking a leave are students who work on political campaigns, continuing a summer internship, or attempting a business venture like working on a startup. Other students choose to spend their time off traveling. Tyler Altenhofen (E ‘17) was one such student who took a year off from school when his freshman year ended to see the world. During what Tyler considers his “gap year,” he spent nine months traveling, hitting Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Australia, New Zealand and different countries in Europe. “I’m so glad I did it. I didn’t know what I was doing, I was undeclared, I was taking random classes,” Tyler said. ‘So when I got back I focused a little more.” enn often faces criticism for making the process of taking a leave unnecessarily difficult—perhaps due to a lack of dialogue on campus about leaves. “We rarely even hear leave of absence talked about, so I think when we do, it’s like in the instances of after something horrible happens,” Madeline admits. “I wish that as a freshman coming in I had known those [options] to begin with.” Despite the perception that taking a leave is a process riddled with obstacles, Tyler is emblematic of the majority of Penn students who have actually taken leaves and found this not to be the case. “It was so incredibly easy,” Tyler said. “I said I wanted to travel, and they were like, ‘Alright, cool...tell us when you want to come back.”’ Rumors have swirled nationally for years about universities pressuring students with mental health issues to take leaves of absence out of fear of liability or the reputation of being labeled a “suicide school.” The Harvard Crimson reported several students—as well as medical and legal experts—supporting this notion. Articles in 2014 in the New Yorker and Newsweek documented similar sentiments at Princeton, UC Santa Barbara and Sarah Lawrence. However, campus administrators dispute these rumors and affirm the university’s commitment to students’ wellbeing. Even Dr. Alexander is aware of the negative perceptions Penn students have towards taking a leave, often viewing it as a punishment or an otherwise adverse outcome instead of a productive, worthwhile step. “The biggest problem in past years has been letting students know that leaves are very helpful sometimes to your academic career,” Dr. Alexander explains. “If you’re going to struggle through with some anxiety or depression… really you can just take a semester away and you’ll be much better off. Letting students know that this is not some kind of punitive thing, but that it’s actually going to help you in the long run.” “Look at how many wonderful, hardworking, committed, dedicated people exist on this campus to help people work through trouble,” Dr. Tighe notes. “I mean everyone from
Counseling and Psychological Services, to the school advising offices, to cultural centers. These aren’t people who are trying to get rid of students. They just aren’t.” hile the process of requesting a leave may be easy, that’s not to say all parts of students’ leave experiences always go so smoothly. Many find the decision to take time off to be a complicated one, in part because of Penn’s financial policies surrounding leaves. Penn’s policy states that a student can get 100 percent of tuition refunded if he or she requests to take a leave within the first two weeks of class. If a student requests a leave in the third or fourth week of class, he or she can get a 50 percent refund. After the fourth week of class, students cannot get tuition refunded. Penn also asks that all students reapply for their aid packages, scholarships and grants. This presents barriers to students who fear they may end up paying for semesters that don’t get completed, in essence paying for an extra semester of college. Other schools’ policies are less restrictive. The Daily Pennsylvanian podcast reported that Cornell University has eight different windows of time in which a student is eligible for a refund, instead of just two. Financial burdens, though, aren’t the only downside to taking a leave of absence. Several students found the transition back to school difficult. “I think no one knew how to respond to it, so they didn’t,” Madeline said. “No one asked me where I went…I came back and would see those people and see that for the rest of my three years, and just would be reminded, I guess, of that awkwardness stage. That was hard.” “Just because you press pause or took time off,” continues Madeline, “doesn't mean that you're less capable...that is something that I still struggle with.” Yet, obstacles facing leaves aside, nearly all students who chose to take a leave do not regret doing so. Despite his challenges, like many students Nick is ultimately glad he took the step to take time off. “I think the sacrifice of missing out on things and being displaced for a while is really tough, but it is worth it,” he said. “You definitely don’t have to rush through Penn.” or many students, taking a leave at Penn can be the choice that saves their college experience, that opens up their point of view. For this reason, it’s not only a choice that more students should consider, but a conversation that should be more openly and widely discussed. “I openly lied about me taking a leave until a year and a half ago, which is crazy,” Madeline reflected. “That really speaks to the stigma of it all.” Still, Madeline doesn’t regret her leave. “Taking time off and removing yourself doesn’t mean you’re any ‘less than’ or not able to handle it,” Madeline continues. “Take all of the time that you need. Penn gives it to you.” Emily Schwartz is a sophomore in the College. She is the Entertainment Editor for Street.
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VICE & VIRTUE
KINKS, CONSENT AND COMMUNICATION STEPHANIE BARRON
Slut–shaming is out, kink–shaming is in.
Common shame–worthy kinks are spanking, choking and the employment of handcuffs. But this category includes basically anything different from the missionary position with purely logistical talking, moderate levels of
wanting to inflict said abuse. And gossip flies through group chats faster than clothes to the floor when it turns out that you share a fetish for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. When prefaced with the word “sexual,” many words and concepts become suddenly wrought with controversy and taboos. (Sexual) preference. (Sexual) encounter. (Sexual) experimentation. It’s easy to let this word distract us from what we're really talking about, eye contact and the lights off. If which is, even when it comes you act on your kinks with comto kinks, just preferences—like munication, you risk being called my preference for spicy food, “a freak in bed" with "daddy coconut–scented shampoo and issues." You risk being accused flannel weather (I know right, of trivializing consent. Women TMI). We're talking about enThis issue might seem trivial risk accusations of inviting abuse counters and experimentation, all at first. You might be wondering to themselves and their gender, of which, in this case, just happen why I am advocating for my right while men risk accusations of to be sexual. (and your right) to be kinky while not actually disclosing whether or not that is a right I choose to act on. Well, sorry to disappoint, but as interesting as that topic might be, it's not the one I'm addressing right now. I'm talking about the larger problem in our culture of which kink–shaming is a symptom: A widespread Happy Hour 5-7 PM misunderstanding of the necessity of communication with regards to sex. Margarita $5 Pineapple, Lime and Given this reality, it’s underWatermelon Margaritas M O N DAY standable that some people fear $5 Wings All Day that accepting kinks—particularly ones that involve some type of domination—is a slippery slope all Day to accepting rape culture. But communication is already essential T U E S DAY $2.50 Tacos in any sexual encounter—how $2 Tecates else are you supposed to get that required affirmative “yes”? As with All day the sex act itself, consent before $2 Tecates and communication throughout S U N DAY $5 Margaritas & Wings are essential. And, while you’re $6 Sangria & churros at it, you might as well say what $7 Wine & veggie nachos you want—you just might get it. I wonder if the fear of all things 3 9 4 5 C H E S T N U T S T R E E T, P H I L A D E L P H I A , PA 1 9 1 0 4 kinky is really fear of communica215.222.1657 tion: Our culture’s lack of it and / DISTRITOPHL DISTRITORESTAURANT.COM
I often get called a freak for this thing I like to do in bed. And, to be fair, it is quite out there. It’s weird, and some people think it’s unhealthy or even dangerous. But I can’t help it—my aversion to leaving my apartment unnecessarily and to sweet tastes results in a desire to sit alone in my room watching Gilmore Girls while drinking straight Smirnoff from a mug before every night out. I know, it’s bizarre. But I ask that you accept my choices, and me as a person, anyway. And I highly recommend experimenting with this pregame method if you feel comfortable. I want to talk about a prevalent and toxic element of our culture: kink–shaming. The act of shaming someone for a particular thing they like to do sexually.
’
Everyday
Taco
Funday
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Illustration by Sofie Praestgaard
our responsibility to make it. And obviously, just as you expect your partner to respect you for sharing your desired activity, you need to respect their decision to engage or not to engage in said activity. This should be the only risk associated with disclosing your kinks to your partner—a response of, “Uh, no, I’m not into the idea of you using a strap–on a dildo with Kevin Bone’s face on it to whack donuts out of my hand as I try to eat them. That does not turn me on. But I will not devalue or disrespect you or your body because of this kink.” Is that too much to ask for? The bottom line is, there's nothing wrong with kinky sex, just like there’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex, as long as both happen only with explicit consent. We need to stop talking so much about our between–the–sheets experiences with other people and start talking more with the people we actually share them with. In the words of The Rolling Stones, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you communicate and proceed only with affirmative consent you might find you get what you need.”
VICE & VIRTUE
TEACHING PARENTS ABOUT GREEK LIFE What you need to know, and what you actually need to know. MOLLY HESSEL
For the sake of journalism and a good laugh, I decided to attend the Family Weekend event titled: "FRATERNITY AND SORORITY LIFE: What you should know about the experience at Penn." I expected to hear paranoid freshmen moms asks what a “Tabard” is and if their sons were really going to have to smash a Rolex to get into a frat. Spoiler alert: Unfortunately, neither of these questions were asked. As a member of Greek Life myself, I thought I would just hear all the stereotypes and myths that I had to explain to my own parents when I told them I wanted to join a sorority. Never did I expect to actually learn something.
HERE ARE SOME QUICK FACTS ABOUT GREEK LIFE AT PENN THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE NOT KNOWN:
1
At registered events, Greek organizations are required to have a certain amount of food available. This is because Penn students can't be trusted not to drink more than their meals can soak up. And it explains the random tins of pasta and bags of chips that no one eats or even questions at chapter house parties.
2
The bartenders that frats hire are required to pour only single– shot drinks. Now you know why your drink is always weak AF. You're welcome.
3
Only four girls out of over 600 were released from the sorority recruitment process last year. In other words, only four were cut from every single sorority—what this statistic doesn't show is the number of girls who dropped out of rush voluntarily. We were convinced that "T the P" meant "Tolerate the Process," but maybe Megan Gaffney, every sorority girl’s favorite Phi Mu, was right to insist that we "Trust the Process." (Ed. note: The Panhellenic Council really couldn't squeeze just four more girls in?)
4
Students in Greek life are happier with their job and life after college than students who aren’t. Not sure how they could possibly have measured this, but I'm open to the idea of a career in investment banking being bearable, so I accept this conclusion.
5
Phi Sigma Sigma was a sorority at Penn from 1926 to 1933 and 1948 to 2010. And it might be coming back for round three.
Illustration by Sofie Praestgaard
While not confirmed, Penn mentioned that former sororities will be invited to come back before a new sorority would
be allowed to start a chapter. Is Penn making a push to go more Greek?
AND HERE ARE SOME FACTS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN INCLUDED:
1
According to a study done in 2009, 86 percent of men who live in frat house residents engaged in binge drinking, compared to 45 percent of men that are unaffiliated. I don’t think this is what the representative meant when he said that guys who live in the chapter house are “training to be leaders.”
2
In addition to the hefty fees, you also might have to pay for promotional shirts, retreats and, of course, something to wear to your themed mixer. Am I embarrassed that I’ve bought a hawaiian shirt for the sole purpose of a party? No. Should I be? Yes.
or more. It doesn't include food that anyone actually eats and it doesn't include the alcohol. Which also costs money. Ugh.
4
People involved in Greek life can recognize the uppercase of every greek
letter. I don’t think this counts as speaking a second language, but my resume doesn't have to know that.
5
Every "New Member Educator" is, at least to some degree, a sadist. The sadism ranges from forcing biddies to spend their Friday nights bonding by going around the circle complimenting one another (barf), to giving slave tasks often to be performed in ridiculous costumes Not to mention the (lol), to politely requesting that the social pressure to be able pledges drink a gallon of milk or to freely spend money handle of Bankers and run to the on BYOs, downtowns and date Philadelphia Museum of Art (barf nights. A typical BYO costs $20 again, but, like, actually this time).
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FILM & TV
PREVEIW OF We're pretty excited.
PHILADELPHIA FILM FESTIVAL
Film festival season is starting to ramp up, with Philly’s own cinematic celebration flourishing in its 25th year of existence. Hosted by the Philadelphia Film Society, the people behind the Roxy and Prince theaters, the Philadelphia Film Festival is bringing 3,542 films to theaters all over the city from October 20–30. And to up the ante, filmmaking dignitaries like Todd Haynes and Robert Zemeckis and actors of the likes of Susan Sarandon, Kerry Washington and more will be in attendance. An Opening Night Celebration at AKA Washington Square will kick off the shindig to raise money for PFS’ year–round education and community initiatives, culminating in the presentation of the inaugural Lumiere Award to
M. Night Shyamalan. The festival offerings span everything from movies from the vault like Krzysztof Kieślowski’s masterpiece Dekalog to culinary videos to pictures from talent in the Greater Philadelphia area. There’s "New French Films" for the Francophiles, "Graveyard Shift" films for the late nights and a "Sight and Soundtrack" category for the more musically inclined. In the way of more typical festival themes, PFF’s "Centerpieces," "Spotlights" and "Masters of Cinema" sections are bringing the talents with name recognition. And there are more than a few titles to keep an eye out for.
25
NICK JOYNER
Jackie I don't quite understand why Americans love the Kennedys so much, but Pablo Larraín’s newest biopic is sure to satisfy this national unconscious fascination. Told through the eyes of Jackie Kennedy (played by Natalie Portman), the film uses an interview with her in LIFE Magazine as the backbone to examine her account of events on November 22 in Dealey Plaza. The end product is a portrait of her loss, weaving together her silent grief and the national mourning that it unfolded against with rare intimacy. Moonlight Moonlight follows a black man quasi–Boyhood style, covering three momentous periods in his life and identity formation. Set in Miami against the backdrop of the war on drugs, the film sees a young boy, Chiron, looking for a father figure to lend him guidance in the absence of a caring home life. The movie picks up again with an adolescent Chiron coming to terms with homosexuality and seeking connection and understanding. Concluding the triptych, Moonlight sends an adult Chiron back home for some soul–searching, in what has been described one of the rawest explorations of manhood in recentmemory. O.J.:Made in America Yes, ESPN’s already screened it into oblivion and your parents have the entirety of the five–part documentary saved to their DVRs. But if you haven’t seen it already in all of its 467– minute glory, the Philadelphia Film Festival is offering you the viewing experience of a lifetime. The masterpiece documentary will be screened in entirety for festival goers, with a 30–minute intermission between Parts 2 and 3 and a 60–minute break between Parts 4 and 5 to refresh your weary eyes. O.J. is a pan– optical view of the American football hero, covering his entire life from childhood to his second arrest. It offers a portrait of his combative relationship with blackness and jealousy issues, interviewing literally everyone that had a part in the trial. Especially for those of us brought up hearing our parent’s judgments of the case, this mammoth of a nonfictional film offers the opportunity to be brought up to breakneck speed on the watershed moment in American history. Paterson Jim Jarmusch’s latest offering allows a portrait of small–town, blue collar America that seeks to neither patronize nor ridicule. Paterson follows the eponymous protagonist played by Adam Driver, a New Jersey bus driver inspired by the poetry of daily conversation. He’s in a loving relationship, has a stable home life and enjoys his life with genuity. The result is an exercise in restraint that relies on the mundane for drama that’s so uncommon nowadays.
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FILM & TV
FROM HUNTSMAN TO HOLLYWOOD:
CAROLINE PITOFSKY Getting to know your fellow campus film enthusiasts.
Ever wonder how to get involved in the media and entertainment industry? Not sure where to start looking? Street sat down with the Undergraduate Media & Entertainment Club (UME) President, Caroline Pitofsky (C '17), to talk about getting into the industry, her experience with the entertainment community at Penn and the movies that everyone should see at least once. DAYZIA TERRY Street: Can you talk a bit about the club and what your role includes? Caroline Pitofsky: I’m the president of UME and we have a bunch of different committees on the board. We have a film festival every year, which is geared towards highlighting student work and bringing in films from other festivals––just to promote students' art. A lot of the events that we have with Media and Entertainment week and our member events are geared towards exposing Penn students to professionals in media and entertainment because it’s not always so obvious how to actually get into that industry because there’s no OCR process just by the nature of it.
Street: DC or Marvel? CP: Marvel.
Street: What do you think of the film and entertainment culture at Penn? What do you like and what would you change? CP: I think once you find the people who are interested in media and entertainment, it is a great group—and a pretty substantial group of people. I think that you definitely need to seek it out for yourself by joining a club or looking into groups, like say UTV if you wanted to get into the creative side, because it’s definitely not something that is very clear where to find those people or that community. But I don’t know, it just happens to be a smaller subset of people at this school.
Street: One movie that you think everyone needs to watch? CP: Hmmm… something that everyone should have seen…I’ll say Little Miss Sunshine. It was like kind of Indie, but also had some mainstream success.
Street: Favorite movie? CP: I always say Catch Me If You Can because Tom Hanks… and then Bridesmaids!
CAll John
Street: Favorite genre? CP: As of now I think I would say dramedy, like Orange is the New Black. Dark comedy, maybe. Street: One pop culture conspiracy theory you’d love to get to the bottom of? CP: I want to know the whole story between Kanye and Taylor. Like parts of it have been exposed, but I want, like, an unbiased, whole story. Street: Someone in the industry who inspires you? CP: Stacy Schneider. She’s the chairman of FOX and she went to Penn.
Street: Any advice for those looking to get involved with the film and TV industry? CP: Definitely go to as many meetings as you can for either a UME or a UTV club meeting just so that, even if you don’t end up being interested in that specific club, you’ll find the people that want to be in the business or view it as a passion at least. And your greatest resource is the alumni. They’re really helpful if you can reach them, and it’s kind of a mystery of how to get opportunities without someone to vouch for you.
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ARTS
LINDSEY ROSIN'S NEW NOVEL IS FOR EVERYONE Teenage sex pacts have never been more interesting or nuanced.
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Last week, Street had the chance to sit down with Lindsey Rosin, a Penn alum and TV writer. Today, we review her debut novel, Cherry. Cherry follows the story of a group of four friends in their last semester of high school who decide to carry out a sex pact, you know, like we all did. And it’s not your average sex pact , where just having sex fulfills the pact. Each girl needs to “firework” (Ed. note: Or as we know it, orgasm.) Layla, the planner of the group, has a boyfriend named Logan who is more than willing to help her with this. But this sophomore named Vanessa that none of the girls, but all of the boys like, is deliberately flirting with Logan. Zoe is the late bloomer, who just got boobs. She really doesn’t think she’ll be able to carry out the sex pact, but we all know that the boobs are definitely going to help. She’s also stuck in a frustrating cute athlete vs. theatre nerd love triangle. Emma, star photographer and yearbook team member, has a weird obsession with people’s lips, and she has a kind of appreciation for Nick, the editor–in–chief of the yearbook, and his lips. Savannah, however, the new girl at school and on staff, also has nice lips. Drama. Alex, the track star, is working to break the school track record before she goes to Stanford. She gets bored of boys quickly, literally mid first makeout session
CLARIS PARK
sometimes. She’s also the only one of the group who’s had sex… or has she? The novel is about so much more than this sex pact and being a teenager, though. “I think what it’s really about is female friendship and the time of your life at the end of high school where everything is such a big deal and so important,” Rosin said. “It’s a lot about feelings.” While the novel was written for teenage girls, it has been getting rave reviews from not only teenagers, but also older women as well. It’s not hard to see why. Rosin manages to capture the panicked and prematurely nostalgic feeling almost exclusive to second semester of senior year and present it in a way that's believable, despite the unusually trite premise of the novel itself. The confusion commonly associated with sex and female sexuality is portrayed honestly. Bullying and the tendency to judge others quickly are put on display as well, while the characters’ responses are portrayed with specificity and nuance. If you’re looking for a quick and immersive novel to read, definitely check out Cherry, even though it’s a young adult novel. It’ll have you laughing and crying and feeling nostalgic all at once, and you’ll be as invested in these girls’ sex lives as you were with yours in high school.
FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT ARTS
MORGAN POTTS
Street's "How to Talk About Art" for dummies. Thirty minutes into your free meal at White Dog courtesy of your aunt’s best friend Carol who happens to be in Philly on business, she mentions how much she loves Degas. You nod politely as she laments the fact that so many people don’t know Degas, and those who do usually only know the ballerina paintings. Three minutes later her soliloquy is over. “And
DO:
Pick one artist that is your favorite. He or she is your go– to. Know the correct pronunciation of his or her name and three of his or her paintings: your favorite (you should actually have an opinion and some background knowledge on this one) and two others that you have minimal knowledge about (you can at least picture it in your head). If you need some suggestions, try Monet, Picasso, Warhol or Rembrandt.
DON’T:
Make your favorite artist an obscure one. It is essential that the person you’re speaking to already knows enough about this artist that they don’t question you in–depth. But don’t pick anything too predictable—choosing The Starry Night as your favorite painting is equivalent to admitting that yes, you did fall asleep in Spanish when Profesora was discussing that lady who did the unibrow self–portrait that you always felt like was giving you the side eye from its place of honor on the wall.
DO:
Use vague adjectives to describe any paintings the art connoisseur brings up. “Tortured” is a particularly good one, because even if the painting they mentioned is a happy scene, oftentimes the artist’s
you, dear? What do you think of Degas?” If you are anything like me, you can’t tell a Degas from a Renoir to save your life. Your mother may or may not have donated a lot of supplies to the art room in grammar school to ensure you would pull an A despite your lackluster artistic abilities. You can’t remember anything from said art classes and remain
life was rather unpleasant. On the off chance that neither of these are relevant, the art connoisseur will definitely look confused and might say something to that effect. Save face by claiming that you meant that you could see how much of himself the artist put into the piece in the brushstrokes. Other great adjectives: thought–provoking, intense, awe–inspiring.
DON’T:
Contradict the person. You don’t want to directly disagree with anything they are saying because they will almost certainly want you to rationalize your viewpoint and you don’t know enough about this topic to intelligently debate it.
DO:
Allow the art connoisseur to carry the conversation. The less you say and the more appreciative nods and smiles you give, the better off you will be. If you have exhausted all your vague adjectives, try to do this for as long as is possible. Worse comes to worst, discreetly pull up a photo of the painting on your phone under the table and start talking about the color scheme.
DON’T:
Let the conversation remain focused on art for a long period of time. Change the
silent whenever it comes up in conversation in a group. But what do you do when you’re talking to the art connoisseur one–on–one? After all, you really need to impress Carol because her sister’s husband is a principal at McKinsey and you need an internship that will make all your friends jealous.
subject as soon as you see the opportunity. Speaking of ballerinas, don’t you have a niece? Does she do ballet? How are your sister and her family? Are they still in New York? I’m hoping to be in New York this summer…
Illustration by Sofie Praestgaard
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Illustration by Gloria Yuen
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With the presidential election just a few weeks away, Americans have to buckle down and figure out who they are going to vote for. The majority of the country is split between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, though a new candidate has risen to national popularity. Aaron Burr, the third Vice President of the United States, is back and running in the 2016 election as a Democratic–Republican. The first to run from his party in decades, Burr is hoping to gain the undecided vote. The main challenge Burr is facing in this election is the frequent mistaking of him for Leslie Odom Jr., the actor who played Aaron Burr in the hit musical Hamilton. At a recent press conference, an audience member shouted across the room, “I thought you were black,” which confused Burr so much he needed to “Take a Break” from his speech. Feeling “Helpless,” he turned to his campaign manager, Lin– Manuel Miranda, for support, who suggested he just try to “Stay Alive” for the rest of the 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E O C T O B E R 2 0 , 2 016
conference. While Clinton has had to deal with her e–mail scandals and Trump has had to deal with being Trump, Burr joins the list of scandals by adding “killed competitor Alexander Hamilton in duel” to this list of hot political gossip. Just after Trump’s video of the Billy Bush interview was leaked, an anonymous source sent a hand– drawn illustration of the duel to the Washington Post. Burr tried to sue the Post, which failed miserably. “It must be nice,” he said, “having the Washington Post on your side.” Burr has also had some advantages in this election due to the pop culture phenomenon he has become. For one thing, his disses for his competitors are practically written for him. On The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Burr was quoted saying he had two words for each of the candidates. For Trump, “Talk less.” For Hillary, “Smile more.” There are high hopes for Burr in this election. We are just waiting for him to “Blow Us All Away.”
LOWBROW
ARE YOU A PILE OF FALLEN LEAVES? The answer might surprise you.
It’s hard to be self–aware. It’s harder to realize that you’re not a human and actually a pile of fallen leaves.
1. Did you fall from a tree?
2. Do you look put together but the slightest disturbance would completely destroy you?
5. Is your favorite song Blowin' in the Wind? 6. Are you capable of feeling emotions?
9. Do you feel crippling loneliness because all of your best friends live in a tree above you? 10. Do you get aroused when you hear a leaf blower?
7. Do you know what year it is? 8. On a Thursday night are you a) laying in a pile on the street b) laying in a pile on the street or c) laying in a pile on the street?
11. Do you ever start to think about your ephemerality then remember you’re a pile of leaves and don’t have thoughts or language? If you were able to answer any of these questions, then you’re probably not a pile of fallen leaves. Better luck next time. Illustrations by Gloria Yuen
3. Are you laying on top of vomit?
4. Have you ever been called an “eyesore,”“gross” or “ile of fallen leaves”??
LOWBROW IS FAKE. KARMA IS REAL.
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