October 27, 2011 by 34th Street Magazine

October 27, 2011 34st.com

o n e m a g

Penn students battle the daily grind with joysticks

INTERVIEW WITH ELIZABETH OLSEN • COLDPLAY'S RETURN • COFFEE GUIDE

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

10.27.11 Inside: PAGE 10

PAGE 5

3 highbrow

Searching for Algernon. penn addiction, overheard at penn, toasts and roasts, word on the street.

4 EGo

Slutty hidden in bunny. halloween vs. parents weekend, egos of the week Rachel abeles & HARRY heyer.

6 FOOD & DRINK

You can sleep when you're dead. rival bros interview, coffee terms, drink of the week.

8 FEATURE

We still play N64. video games!!!

10 MUSIC

Hot or Coldplay. puntal/contrapuntal: coldplay, mylo xyloto review, one track mind, guest mixtape.

12 FILM

Group–think. in defense of movies, martha Marcy May Marlene Review, Elizabeth olsen interview, deja vu.

14 ARTS

Learn how to use a tampon. DIY halloween wreath, artist profile, photo contest.

NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER 2 A.M. 'CEPT US.

FROMTHEEDITOR

alloween makes people uncomfortable. Some can’t handle all the costumes, all the candy, all the frat parties named with terrible rhymes. But others get into it. Like really into it. Especially at Penn. For some reason Halloweekend becomes a Fling–like extravaganza… with fewer clothes and even less dignity. The party starts on Wednesday and ends on Tuesday. It’s quite the spectacle, one we all try to take advantage of in one way or another. A few of my friends live in a house on Beige Block with a large second floor porch, overlooking 41st Street. Perfect for people watching. This comes in handy at times like NSO, Fling and of course Halloween. From our mini tower in the sky, we heckle unknowing party–goers. It’s even better to perch up there starting at 9 a.m. the morning(s) after. Halloween walks of shame are not urban legends; they're one of the best sources of entertainment. This probably sounds terrible, that I’ve spent years scouting out the best way to poke fun at people just trying to enjoy a holiday.

Well it comes from a place of love. I love Halloween. I love dressing up (preferably in something covered entirely in sequins). I love candy. I love frat par — okay you got me there; I don’t love frat parties with punny names. But everything else rocks. It’s a time to admire your peers’ creativity. Sophomore year our female ego of the week (page 4) was Picasso’s blue period. She taped blue tampons to her body. Come on. That’s awesome. And yes, it’s a time to laugh at girls trotting home in cat ears and stilettos at 9 a.m., with furry tails between their legs. So if you hate Halloween (attention, page 3), look at your choices. Look at your lives. And if you see a rowdy bunch on a green porch pointing at your ridiculous costume: suck it up. You probably deserve it. Tis the witching hour,

Trojan just sent us a laundry hamper full of condoms. and other reasons to come chill with us…

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

15 LOWBROW

Furrowed brows. lowbrow does highbrow.

STREET Writers' Meeting *6:30 p.m. TONIGHT 4015 Walnut St.

16 back page Street view. dining guide map.

34th Street Magazine Jessica Goodman, Editor–in–Chief Nick Stergiopoulos, Managing Editor Frida Garza, Design Editor Kendall Haupt, Online Managing Editor Joshua Goldman, Feature Tucker Johns, Feature Paige Rubin, Highbrow Stephanie Rice, A Little Less Highbrow Faryn Pearl, Ego Leah Steinberg, Ego Mady Glickman, Food & Drink Nina Wolpow, Food & Drink

Sam Brodey, Music Jake Spinowitz, Music Hilary Miller, Film Shelby Rachleff, Film Ellie Levitt, Arts Megan Ruben, Arts Anthony Khaykin, Lowbrow Sandra Rubinchik, Lowbrow Will Baskin–Gerwitz, Back Page Alex Hosenball, Copy Alexandra Jaffe, Copy Adrian Franco, Photo

UnderTheButton.com

Morgan Finkelstein, Managing Editor Michael Arnstein, Associate Editor Ian Bussard, Associate Editor Monika Knapp, Associate Editor Lora Rosenblum, Associate Editor Sandra Rubinchik, Associate Editor AJ Thomas, Associate Editor Cover Design: frida garza

Contributors: Julio Cesar Albarracin, Roya Butler, Michael Buzinover, Valerie Cohen, Patrick Del Valle, Patrick Ford–Matz, Jacqueline Heinrich, Brian Horwich, Ben Lerner, Gwen Lewis, Dorian Mendoza, Emily Orrson, Julie Roland, Noah Sanders, Ajai Vishwanath, James Praul Walton, Lucy Wolf, Callie Woods

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Jessica Goodman, Editor-–in–Chief, at goodman@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. Visit our web site: www.34st.com "I'm Googling hand job right now and it is not pretty." ©2011 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

wordonthestreet

HIGHBROW

MY PENN ADDICTION:

KEEP THE CANDY

PENN DIRECTORY

I’m not a stalker. Let’s get that clear right off the bat. But believe me when I say I could contact you in five seconds if I tried. I’m here to reveal the best kept secret of Penn’s website: the Directory. Booooring, you’re thinking. Phone number, email address, major… whoop–dee–doo. How wrong you are, my ignorant friend. Try it. You know you want to. The website entices you to “Find a Person.” Don’t mind if I do. All you need is someone’s firstie or lastie to get started. And once you start it’s hard to stop — don’t say I didn’t warn you. Take the brooding junior guy in my history recitation who I judged for wearing a purple scarf to class every week. A quick search on the Directory showed me we had chemistry I couldn’t deny. His middle initial is C — my middle initial is C. And our phone numbers both end with 62. We are so totally meant to be.

Forget about hiding an embarrassing name behind a mainstream nickname like Al. The Directory never lies. Don’t worry Algernon, your secret’s safe with me. And you know that senior on the soccer team who everyone says is so hot? Sure, I’ve never spoken to him, or even been in the same room as him for that matter. But his phone number may or may not be in my contacts, courtesy of my beloved Directory. If you’re calling me “creepy” or “stalker” right now, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it. But that’s unfair name–calling if you ask me. I won’t apologize for taking advantage of the treasures Penn’s website has to offer. So, next time you get a call from a “wrong number,” don’t be so sure it’s really a wrong number. Maybe it’s me, or that girl in your Econ class who eats her hair and always seems to be staring at you, or that guy who wears sunglasses every day in class. Thanks to Penn Directory, you’ll never know. Stalk you later!

TOASTS&ROASTS With Halloween this weekend, the bar is raised pretty high for what’s considered fun. A big thumbs down to the parties that sound super sucky. Zete and Sigma Chi both had 1% parties this past weekend. Get it? It's funny because Zete is the one percent but they dressed up like the 99! Totally got us. One Sig Chi brother sporting a suit and a Wall Street douche attitude even got punched in the face by a Philly local after he was denied entry. So, have you all gotten this theme out of your systems now? The sooner the better. In other bizarre theme party news, one Chi O social chair emailed the other sorority social chairs asking if anyone knew of a local barn for their next date party. Yeehaw. Howdy. Insert cow joke here. Moo. Oh, and ZBT's having a "Rave in a Grave?" No comment. But a general PSA to all frats: your party name doesn't have to rhyme. Seriously.

ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS. xoxo, the real HB

Betch on the phone: I know you’re upset about the break– up, but let’s not talk about it. Think about shoes. Bye. Boy at Penn football game: What are Penn’s colors again? Girl who lost her phone: My mom’s secretary is gonna shoot me in the asshole. Guy DFMOing with a girl: Fuck… I really wanna add you on Facebook right now. One paramedic to another: Just don’t make the mistake I did. Don’t put catnip on your balls.

he primary elements of Halloween are: costumes, spookiness, candy and contact with strangers. Candy is okay. Costumes are disturbing. Spookiness is scary and so are strangers. That’s why I don’t like Halloween. I didn’t like it as a child, either. I’ve never even taken Economics, but I know that candy is cheap. I knew this at around age five, when I saw the price of candy and compared it to the price of other things. But during Halloween, there is no item more costly than precious, precious candy. Children are self– employed, working the street to gather resources for their candy funds. For four hours of work, I made $6.32 of sugar, no tips. That’s a lot of work for some low–priced nausea. I hated costumes then, too. I have a hazy memory of being dressed up as Princess Leia, complete with cinnabons of hair at each ear. Get it? I’m Leah and she’s Leia? She spells it wrong but pronounces it right. I remember explaining the whole name coincidence to strangers on stoops and then just feeling really confused and depressed because it was too much for my five –year–old self to handle. But then I was also nauseated. The trauma runs deep. As a young adult that hates Halloween in a pro–Halloween society, I’ve come to learn that I don’t have many choices. Probably, I will hibernate. Sitting in a nest of savory snacks and internet, I’ll be dressed as myself. (Not “as myself.” That’s never funny.) But because Halloweekend is a long weekend, and my granary is limited, I’m going to have to venture outside. Inevitably, I’ll be amongst the Halloweeners. They’ll be dressed in less dignity than clothing. I believe people should wear whatever they want and not look for excuses. I want to wear jeans and “a cute top” at all times and am not looking for excuses. The thing is, dressing slutty is fine. Sticking animal appendages to your rear isn’t. Eventually, one of them will come up to me, syllables aslur, and say, “Whad’re you dressed as?” I will turn to this intoxicated individual and sigh, “Nothing.” He or she will invade my personal space and say, “Oh, I get it, you’re dressed as yourself.” To avoid this encounter, I could dress up as something. But what? Seriously. What should I dress up as? My first thought is always something high–concept. Wait. Woah. What if I dressed as a concept for Halloween? Do you see where this ends up? Next thing I know I’m wearing a purple dress and some origami on my head and spending the whole night explaining how it has to do with Freud and stuff. I wish I could like Halloween. I like to have fun. Or at least, I think I like to have fun. Why is fun so hard?

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

Highbrow hates people who break the law, but we love it when they get what they deserve. Toasts to the swift hand of justice. Hey, ho, klepto! We hear a sophomore girl got caught this week for stealing massive amounts of stuff from her off–campus housemates. From bracelets to purses to clothes, this chick has been hoarding expensive designer items she took from friends since last year, but she finally got caught and was forced to pack up and move out. Peace out, crazy. We'll see your stealing and raise you breaking and entering. Two liquored–up St. A's guys snuck into an SDT junior's house this past weekend and helped themselves to a late night snack from her kitchen. They chose tomatoes and milk of all things. Ew. But props to the tiny blonde who wasted no time in kicking them down the stairs.

over heard PENN

BY LEAH STEINBERG

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

EGO

egoof the week: Rachel abeles & harry heyer

This week’s co–Egos, Penn’s top Greeks, arrived with paddles and fratty glasses in tow. Rachel Abeles and Harry Heyer are both Friars and presidents of the PanHellenic Council and InterFraternity Council, respectively. They asked not to be photographed paddling one another. Street: What’s the best part about being Greek? Harry Heyer: Well, if you’re Greek then, you know, you automatically get all the perks of being an international student, on top of having eight vowels in your last name. Y’know… it’s a joke… “Greek.”

Adrian Franco

Street: We got it. HH: Honestly, it’s about meeting people and — yes, parties, but there’s a lot more to it. A lot of cool events all year long and kinda expanding your horizons. Rachel Abeles: Yeah, and I don’t think you can find a better sense of community elsewhere on campus, except in Greek life.

Street: What’s your presidential managing style? HH: Utter dominance. Across the board. Calling the shots. RA: Yeah, Harry’s a one–man team. HH: That’s not true — my exec board would kill me if I said that. I’m not a one–man team. They contribute, but I do call the shots. RA: I’m the opposite. I like the horizontal board team. I’m all about teamwork. Street: What is your favorite place at Penn? HH: My favorite place at Penn is the McDonald's, because you just don’t know what’s going to happen. Some of the best 10–minute interactions that I’ve had have been at that establishment, and I hope to God that they don’t close it. Ever.

hummus grill 34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

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Street: What’s the best free item you’ve ever received at Penn? HH: Oh, I know right away. I got a free Bible off of Locust Walk because it was Free Bible Day. I was walking past this guy, and I was thinking to myself, “I’m not not going to take a free Bible.” RA: I’ve never been that lucky. I always feel like I’m the one

giving out the free swag: these t–shirts, these sunglasses. I think I’m a donor. Street: If someone was to dress as you for Halloween, what would they wear? HH: I’ve recently found that I have a love for work boots and cowboy hats. I have a cowboy hat now, and I throw it on whenever I want to be rugged. RA: If my roommates were going to dress up as me, they would probably wear a whole lot of leather… a whole lot of fur… and some vests… and pink. I know, it sounds crazy, but that would be me in a Halloween costume: a little bit of goth and a little bit of crazy. HH: Sounds like a little bit of goth and a whole lot of crazy.

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RA: I, for similar reasons, think that my favorite place at Penn is the walk on Walnut between 40th and 39th Streets, because you never know what you’ll get heckled for. Today we were holding Greek Week shirts and there was a woman there who asked for a shirt, so we gave her one. Now there’s going to be a homeless lady out there rocking one of these great shirts.

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PHILLY’S BEST

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

FAMILY HALLOWEEKEND

Seniors, stop by during This year, the scariest thing about Halloween might be its overlap with Parents’ Weekend. These multitaskingWalnust tips Walk on

WINGS!

should help you out — and make you feel only somewhat morally corrupted.

Ditch your parents

Your parents want to tag along and, you know, meet your friends and stuff. Ditch those parents and sneak into the Quad (or another dorm) with your PennCard. Without you, they’ll have nowhere to go but away. Rip up the Parent Passes for good measure. Guilt–O–Meter: MEDIUM. They didn’t really want to see you anyway.

Blame your roommate

Decoy costume

Mom’s going to This technique requires some advanced preparation: start trash– want to see what you’re talking your roommate to your family for several days preceding wearing out to your Parents’ Weekend. Describe in detail his or her messiness, drug “Spooky Halloween addiction, alcoholism, sexploits and petty crime so that any and Mixer,” and she proball Halloween debauchery can be immediately blamed on your ably won’t be too psyched roommate. Live in a single? Penn squirrels are rowdy for a reason: about your “Female Firethey’re the perfect scapegoats. Guilt–O–Meter: HIGH. Blatant lies and throwing a fighter Whose Clothes • 2003 2004 •Entirely 2005 • 2006 • 2007 • 2008 • 2009 • 201 semi–friend under the bus? Not so classy. 1999 • 2000 • 2001 • 2002 Have Been•Almost Burned Off” get–up. Costume on the bottom, then Shoot for brunchesHappy withHour Mom7 and Days a week - 7 then coat. fake 5 costume, Dad 11 a.m. or later ideal fake costume All 2002 Drafts $3.00 The Chances are, they’ll want to have both breakfast and seccomplements and accentuEVERY SATURDAY Belgian Drafts $5.00 ond breakfast with you, at 8 and 9 a.m. respectively, Sunday ates your actual costume. 9 pm - 1:30 am morning. Tell them you’ve got a study group. Parents love Or just have your parents study groups. Also, may we suggest bringing your trick– think you’re going in a suit of or–treat bag from the previous night, in case your upset armor every night. Guilt–O–Meter: MEDIUM. If you’re stomach has a trick of its own in store. Guilt–O–Meter: LOW. They’re the ones with the good with Facebook privacy settings, they’ll empty schedules. never know.

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Saturday October 29th 9 pm - 2 am Are your family dinner plans conflicting with that Halloween pregame your friend planned? At dinner with your parents, slip a little Banker’s into that Diet Coke you ordered. In fact, slip a little something into everyone’s drinks — in no time Mom will be flirting with the waiter and Dad will start looking more than drowsy. They won’t even bat an eye when you slip out of the restaurant in the lingerie that constitutes your “costume.” Guilt–O–Meter: DEPENDS. If your parents were planning on drinking at all, they’ll just be shocked at how drunk they were. If they weren’t, it might be illegal.

Pretend you have a life Time to hide your lack of a social life: Mom lets you have a glass of wine at the obligatory dinner out. “It is Halloween weekend, after all! You kids go have fun,” your Dad says. Thank them for their social generosity, and commence your actual plan: watching Hocus Pocus on Megavideo alone in your bed. Guilt–O–Meter: LOW. It’s less guilt–inducing than it is embarrassing.

Wear your best costume and bring your scariest voice -- you could win a prize!

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

Get your parents drunk

1116 Walnut St • www.moriartyspub.com • 215.627.7676 5

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

FOOD&DRINK

PHILLY’S COFFEE DONS Whoever said a little competition isn’t healthy hadn’t talked to the guys behind Rival Bros. A few days after the launch of their new coffee truck at Love Park (16th St. and JFK Blvd.), we checked in with Jon and Damien — separately — to find out how mixing business and friendship align in the City of Brotherly Love.

JONATHON ADAMS

DAMIEN PILEGGI

Street: What did you think when you first met? Damien Pileggi: Jon moved away in 5th grade, and I started in 6th grade, so I ended up taking his spot in his group of friends. When he finally moved back for good in 10th grade, he was in an enviable position of being the cool, new kid with an already established fan base. It took some time before we warmed up to each other, but eventually he became one of my closest friends.

Jon Adams: Sixth grade. I had moved away and just came back to Philly for a wedding. My first thought was, “Who is this kid that took MY spot?!” Haha. Seriously though…

Street: Who was cooler in high school? DP: Jon. And don’t believe him for a second if he says otherwise.

JA: No doubt, I was. Dame was rocking denim dress shirts and Looney Tunes ties.

Street: Did you ever think you’d start a business together? DP: Yes. We have many beer–stained bar napkins with our plans.

JA: We drew restaurant renderings on napkins at a bar in our early 20s. We always knew that something was bound to happen.

Street: When did you start drinking coffee? DP: Well, diner coffee 24/7 in the mid '90s may not count, so it would be ‘98–'99, when I started visiting the La Colombe cafe on a daily basis.

JA: I’ve been drinking coffee as long as I can remember.

Street: When it comes to beans, who’s the bigger snob? DP: Jon. I joke with him that he’s more into the romance of it all.

JA: Damien is. He knows everything.

Street: You’re stuck on an island and you can only bring one thing with you — your Rival Bro or coffee. What do you do? 34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

DP: Jon.

Street: What would your counterpart say?

DP: Damien.

JA: Damien would bring himself. And Steve Miller Band Greatest Hits.

Street: What’s your coffee order?

DP: Double macchiato.

Street: What’s your Rival Bro’s?

DP: Espresso short.

JA: Macchiato in the morning if I am at a cafe. Otherwise, Chemex, and I always drink coffee black. JA: Dame likes cappuccino.

Street: What’s more important — the rival or the bro? DP: Bro for sure.

JA: I would bring Damien because his jokes are always great.

JA: The bro. Even when we fight, we end up hugging it out.

Haven’t slept in days? Neither have we. But that’s what coffee’s for, and when it comes to bottomless cups, University City’s chock full of places to fill up. Here’s our guide to coffee near campus and how to get the most from your jolt. You want: to make it out of your Stat lecture and into your favorite GSR before the M&T kid kicks you out. Go for: ABP — the few choices and self– service at Au Bon Pain will have you nose deep in your problem set in no time.

You want: a brisk walk west, fresh faces, vegan treats and hefty handouts for environmental reform. Go for: Green Line Cafe (4239 Baltimore Ave.) — this self– proclaimed “neighborhood stop for coffee, conversation and culture” offers sustainable drinks and grub. Got body piercings and/or dreds? You’ll be in good company, we promise.

You

want: to go abroad, and getting vommed on at Zete's last party doesn’t count. Go for: Capogiro — with arrogant baristas and an array of gelato to match a similarly diverse beverage menu, Capo’s almost as cool as Fall break in Rome.

You want: to bang

You want: to study.

Matt Damon every time you watch the Departed. Go for: Dunkin’ Donuts — for Bostonians, survival and Dunkin D’s are one in the same. Like things straight–up? You’ll appreciate the joe at this Beantown outcrop.

Seriously, it’s midterm season. Go for: Saxby’s — spacious and usually relatively quiet, Saxby’s is formulaic enough to get ‘er done, but doesn’t shirk on options. Their FroYo’s pretty dece, too.

You want: to sip slowly in the company Chekhov play — vintage, obviously. Go for: Metropolitan Bakery — just under the offices of the DP, this dimly lit bakery and cafe is the perfect spot to fake–read your way into Penn’s literati.

You want: true serendiptious romance. Or at least to avoid last weekend’s sticky situation — he/she is a Saxby’s devotee — while you put the finishing touches on your paper. Go for: Lovers and Madmen — they have plenty of outlets, good stiff chairs to prevent you from falling asleep, a shortage of Penn kids and a surplus of faces we bet you’ve never seen before.

Drink of the Week:

CAFE BRU–LUCIE

Inspired by the boozy and caffeinated at Louisina’s Oak Alley Plantation.

2 cloves 1 cinnamon stick 4 tsp. sugar

1 piece orange rind

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

A CAFE FOR EVERY MOOD

1 cup brandy

THE COFFEE TRANSLATOR: BARISTA TO ENGLISH How to sound coffee–cool your next time at the counter. By ANDIE DAVIDSON

4 cups hot coffee

A good ol’ cup–o–Joe doesn’t quite cut it anymore. From Dunkin D’s to that Italian place where all the cool kids go, coffee shops these days offer every combination of milk, water, bean and fancy jargon you can think of. So here’s our crash course in “javanese” (a mix of Italian, French and caffeine) to help you navigate the coffee shops like a pro and avoid the sneer of that snooty barista — like seriously, what is her problem?

Latte: The latte is the quintes-

aficionados, espresso is a highly–concentrated coffee made by shooting water at high speed through finely ground coffee. It comes in a tiny cup but is packed with an intense burst of rich flavor. Despite common misconception, high quality espresso won’t taste bitter.

sential foofy coffee drink — a shot of espresso combined with steamed milk.

Double: A double is simply a shot of espresso times two.

Americano: As its name suggests, americano was meant for Americans who crave big gulps over dainty sips. It’s simply espresso with hot water added, amounting approximately to the strength of regular drip coffee.

Cappuccino: The cappuccino is often confused with the latte. The two drinks are very similar. Both are a mix of espresso and frothed milk, but a cappuccino has less milk.

Cafe au lait: The cafe au lait is a conspicuous character — known as cafe au lait in France, caffe misto in Italy and cafe con leche in Spain, this drink is equal parts brewed coffee and steamed milk. Espresso con panna: If straight espresso is a bit much, espresso con

panna offers a slightly softened option: espresso with a dollop of sweet whipped cream.

Espresso macchiato: Macchiato, or “marked,” espresso is a shot of espresso with a light topping of steamed milk. Espresso lungo: Lungo means "long" in Italian, a name fitting for this less intense espresso made by passing more water through the ground coffee. Cafe mocha: Chocolate. Need I say more? A true mocha is made with chocolate syrup lining the bottom of the cup, topped with espresso and steamed milk.

Grand Mariner Place a skillet over medium heat. Heat cloves, cinnamon stick, orange, brandy and sugar, stirring until blended. Using a long match, set fire to the mixture, carefully. This will allow the liquor to burn off. Meanwhile, put a small amount of Grand Mariner in the bottom of each mug. Then, stir coffee into the heated mixture, pour into mugs and serve immediately.

— Lucie Read

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

Espresso: A favorite of coffee

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

There were days when the stereotype about the socially and hygiene– challenged gamer held true. Today, this generalization seems outdated, thanks to video gaming’s successful march into the mainstream. The video game — especially to younger generations — has become a prominent component of culture, sometimes mentioned in the

same breath as music, film or art. And to the enormous community of gamers worldwide, gaming is a vital part of day– to–day life. Anders is no different. He maintains a heavy engineering courseload and is a member of a fraternity, and if you saw him walking around campus, you’d probably never peg him as a dedicated gamer. “Dedicated” might not be a strong enough word to describe Anders’ relationship with StarCraft. He’s played StarCraft since high school, but became much more serious about it with the release of StarCraft II in 2010. He was a Beta tester — one of the select few chosen to help test a game before its release date. He’s as familiar as one could be with the intricacies of StarCraft’s gorgeous game world and its setting: a mas-

Judging by StarCraft’s sales figures, the total obliteration of foes doesn’t just appeal to a paltry few. The game sold over three million copies in its first month alone and over five million total. It’s widely played in America, but as Anders half–jokingly says, “It’s sort of the national sport of Korea.” In South Korea, StarCraft matches between top players are streamed on multiple cable channels, usually with hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake. Korean players so dominate the sport that in competitive circles Americans refer to themselves as “foreigners” — the StarCraft nomenclature for a non–Korean player. For those college–age “foreigners” without aspirations of the Korean big leagues, the Collegiate Star League (CSL) is more than sufficient.

“The most common reaction I get from people is like, ‘Oh, I lost a friend to StarCraft — they started playing and I don’t see them at all anymore. sive intergalactic conflict set in the 26th century. The game revolves around waging war, so each player is at the command of his own virtual army. It’s commonly classified as a real–time strategy game (“RTS”), a specific game genre that emphasizes rapid strategic decision–making. Anders describes it as “similar to chess, but much quicker" — it’s not turn– based like other strategy games, which means that it’s “basically one of the fastest games out there.” These qualities make StarCraft ideal for player–versus– player competition, where players connect online and pit their armies against one another. The point: “To completely destroy your opponent.”

The scope and sheer size of the CSL is nothing short of staggering. This is no handful of random schools grouped together haphazardly — it’s the NCAA of gaming. It boasts 240 member schools, broken up into four conferences (East, Central, North and West) which are in turn broken up into several divisions with names like “Andromeda,” “Executor” and “Leviathan.” The CSL, to a greater degree than the NCAA, represents the diverse spectrum of higher education institutions in North America. Just about any type of school you can think of is represented, from Harvard to Berklee College of Music to Mercer County Community College in New Jersey. The Penn CSL squad is made up of 18 players, all male, who are recruited

via word of mouth. During any given match, no more than five players can compete. Those matches — head–to– head competitions between college teams — occur every Sunday, and usually last no more than an hour and a half. Sometimes they’re as short as 30 minutes, if the foe is really bad or exceptionally good (the latter tends to be the case). Penn is in the “Aleph Division,” where the team dukes it out against traditional Ivy foes such as Brown, Columbia and Dartmouth as well as more unfamiliar competitors like the University of Tennessee and the University of Central Florida. Anders makes it clear that competition is incredibly stiff. Some players on the most elite teams, like division powerhouse NYU, may have experience competing with professionals in Korea — giving them intimidating, almost mythic reputations. At season’s end, when the playoffs begin, Anders tells me that competition between these types of squads can be incredible to watch. What’s at stake in the championship rounds? Not thousands of dollars or shiny trophies, but “bragging rights,” Anders tells me flatly. “That’s it.”

It’s hard work to even keep up with such cutthroat competition. StarCraft’s highly competitive nature means that it has “a relatively steep learning curve, and it doesn’t plateau, because everyone is always getting better.” As a result, Anders devotes five to ten hours per week practicing the game itself, and five or six hours more doing his “homework.” “There’s a lot more than just the game,” he tells me: there are streams (videos of past matches) to watch, strategies to read up on and forum discussions to participate in. “It’s not easy to get into the mindset required to play at the highest level,” he adds. For him, it’s “kinda like work”

— mentally stressful and demanding. When talking about StarCraft, he sounds like an athlete talking seriously about his sport. “You can play lightly for fun,” he tells me with certainty, “but you’re going to lose if you don’t play it hard.” When asked about others’ feelings toward his gaming habits, he tells me, “The most common reaction I get from people is like, ‘Oh, I lost a friend to StarCraft — they started playing and I don’t see them at all anymore,’” he adds with a laugh. Not all games are compatible for competitive play in a league like the CSL; however, players of these games are no less serious about gaming. Tyler Brown, a College and Engineering Junior, is one of those gamers. When he isn’t busy fulfilling his duties as a dual–degree student and as Vice President of Penn Gamers Club, Tyler is an avid player of massively multiplayer online role–playing games, or MMORPGs (MMOs if you want to be as shorthand as possible). These types of games, Tyler explains, are very popular among the members of Penn Gamers Club. While the club meets mainly to play high–intensity board games like Settlers of Catan (with sessions sometimes lasting upwards of 10 hours), a great number play computer games on their own time. For Tyler, the game of choice is RuneScape. Introduced in 2001, RuneScape is one of the oldest, most popular MMOs of all time, and surely in the vanguard of that genre’s meteoric rise to popularity in the last decade. Like other titles in the genre, it offers a massive game world where players explore, fight and interact with each other. As a player, you can cooperate with other players by banding together in a “clan,” or you can fight against others in combat. Ultimately, there is no singular “goal” in RuneScape — an appealing quality

of the game is its nearly endless array of options — but players generally focus on improving their skills (which helps them “level up”) and obtaining armor and weapons (“gear” or “loot”) for their character. It’s an engaging experience that can often become highly addictive. Without a doubt, Tyler is serious about his gameplay: he’s played RuneScape pretty consistently for about eight

“My life revolved around World of Warcraft. years and averages “about 15–20 hours of play in a good week, maybe seven or ten when I’m busier.” His character, named “Nuvonic,” has attained the elite level of 131 (out of a rare but possible 138) and leads a clan called “Instinct.” He tells me, “There’s some truth to MMOs having an addictive nature,” admitting that he’s “kind of addicted to playing the game.” But, he adds, “There’s never been a time I felt I had to play.” The famous South Park episode, "Make Love, Not Warcraft," about World of Warcraft helped to popularize the stereotype of basement–dwelling, acne–scarred and bedpan–dependent MMO nerds. As a veteran of these types of games, Tyler naturally takes issue with that. He finds the popular stereotype of MMO players to be “ironic, more than anything else.” When pressed on that, he explains, “Everyone has a friend who plays video games, so I don’t think anyone actually believes that stereotype.” At the same time, Tyler feels that while people who play popular games like Halo or Call of Duty are completely

accepted, “people who play less popular games, like MMOs that aren’t World of Warcraft, have some stigma attached to them.” He explains that it may “stem from competitiveness, as MMO gamers are more competitive than any other gamers, really.” Strangely enough, Tyler notes that the most significant stigma attached to players comes from within the gaming community, not from outside of it. Within the RuneScape community, he explains that “higher level players look down on lower levels for being ‘noobs’ and lower levels look at higher levels and go, ‘Wow, they must have no life.’” Tyler wraps up with an extremely common saying among players: “There’s nothing people who play RuneScape hate more than people who play RuneScape.” Despite all of that, he continues to play proudly, and has generally only good things to say about his gaming experience. Clearly, his many years of gameplay have made him a very successful player: out of the eight million or so RuneScape players worldwide, he ranks in the top 20,000. He has strong relationships with his clanmates, many of whom he has played alongside for upwards of four or five years. To him, “They’re as much my friends as people I know in real life. It’s been a significant part of my life. I’m not sure what it’d be like if I wasn’t playing.” Wharton sophomore Max Kieff shares Tyler’s MMO expertise: he played World of Warcraft, the most popular MMO in history, on a “semi–professional level” for four years. From the day it came out in November 2004, he says, “my life revolved around World of Warcraft.” At the height of his gaming, he managed to log an average of six hours a day, adding that “an 18–hour day was not unheard of.” All of that practice certainly did him good: he was very well known on his realm (the server communities the WoW

world is made up of) as one of the most difficult players to defeat in player–versus–player combat. “I could have gone pro, for sure,” he says. A player whom he identifies as second to him in server rankings went to a Major League Gaming tournament and won $100,000. Max doesn’t play anymore; unlike Tyler, he eventually got bored with WoW, but he has fond memories of the game, despite some existing social stigma: “I tell everyone,” he says with a laugh, “it’s a funny thing to bring up.” He tells me that the worst thing he ever heard was something like, “Holy shit, you’re such a nerd,” quickly adding that “you have to embrace it if you’re going to be a hardcore WoW player.” If anything, the negativity was worst between players. “I was a total elitist,” Max says. “In the game, being a noob is the worst thing you can be.” The most important thing to remember about WoW, he tells me, is that “it’s totally immersive. Other people aren’t just other players — they’re your friends and your enemies.” Back in Anders’ room, things don’t go exactly how the Penn CSL squad wants them to. Anders is defeated in the first round. However, in a stunner, Penn team member Nico Mihalich pulls out an upset victory in the second round against an elite “masters’ league” player — eliciting many a “FUCK YA” and “DUUUDE!!” from the Penn side, with a subdued “gg” from the NYU side. The elation at pulling off just one victory against the #13 team in the league lasts through the match, but unfortunately, their luck doesn’t. Penn loses the next two rounds and then loses the match overall, 3–1. Anders’ first post–game move, naturally, is making sure he’s saved the streams from the match so he can study the footage later. For now, though, it’s off to Van Pelt. He has an exam to study for.

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

very Sunday, just before 4 p.m., about seven guys get ready to compete. During the week, they spend hours training, strategizing and watching film, all in preparation for the ensuing action. Each has his own pre– game routine. For Anders Miltner, Engineering junior, the moments before four o’clock mean sitting down cross–legged on the floor in the middle of his room, computer and mouse balancing precariously on two chairs, with a perfect view of the flat–screen TV that serves as his computer display. He settles into his spot a little more, logs in and checks for his team. They’re all logged in too, excited and ready to play. The order for the match is set — Anders is slated to play first. He checks in with the captain of the opposing college’s team and exchanges the requisite niceties. His foot taps with anticipatory energy. It’s game time. The timer on the screen counts down, and when it reaches zero, the loading screen gives way to a magnificently detailed virtual world. In a fraction of a second, he lets fly a hurricane of clicks and keystrokes, christening the match in earnest. It’s Anders, representing Penn, versus “auraCow,” representing NYU. It’s week five of competition in the Collegiate Star League, and the game is StarCraft II. To millions of gamers around the world — and the two locked in virtual battle right now — this is the greatest computer game ever made.

By SAM BRODEY

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aE league of their own

Penn's competitive gamers balance school and StarCraft.

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

MUSIC

Hot And Coldplay

This week’s release of Coldplay’s fifth studio album is sure to renew the debate surrounding this polarizing band. If you’re a die–hard fan or a die–hard hater, look here for some ammunition for your future Coldplay arguments. If you’re undecided, read on as our two dueling debaters attempt to convince you.

The Pros – By Gwedolyn Lewis

oldplay is made up of four musicians who excel at their unique roles in the band and combine to form a warm blend of music. Guy Berryman is on bass. Will Champion commandeers the drums. Jonny Buckland strums the guitar. And Chris Martin, with a voice that soars into high notes and kneels back down to soothing and gritty, all in the same song, is the vocalist. In 2000, Coldplay “came along and wrote a song for you… and it was called Yellow.” With “Yellow,” they began appealing to listeners worldwide and have been for over 10 successful years. With 20 Grammy Award nominations and seven wins, Coldplay obviously has qualities that attract a large and powerful audience. Could it be the lyrics that are relatable to both

men and women? Could it be the seamless melodies that accompany those lyrics? Or, maybe, the undertone of their British sound bursting through otherwise universal music? Even better, it is a combination of

the three. Chris Martin gives a voice to lyrics that are honest, reflective and filled with emotion. Their songs can tell the story of the guy who “used to rule the world” in “Viva La Vida” or

capture the heart and soul in a ballad about love. Coldplay has the lyrical talent to articulate artful and personal narratives. Behind the words is a sound. This sound involves everything from Martin’s accent emerging through the pronunciation of certain words to the assembly of instruments that complement the lyrics. They incorporate a little pop and draw from musical influences which, according to Martin, include Jeff Buckley and The Beatles. Although they originated in London, Coldplay does not limit its musical repertoire to songs that are for a British audience. It is the ability to vibe to a popular Coldplay song no matter who you are and no matter where you live that sets Coldplay apart from their competition.

The Cons – By Emily Orrson

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

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U PENN DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN

ix years ago, a team of Australian basketball players came to Baltimore to play a string of high school tournaments. They had the accents. They had sideswept blond hair. I was a sophomore, and my family hosted two of them. I’ll admit shamelessly — I was smitten. One of them was a musician; I was entranced. His name was Lachlan; I was enamored. He was going to teach me a song, and I swooned. Lachlan sat down and taught me the chords to Coldplay’s “The Scientist.” And there, the magic ends. Coldplay has been unleashing a barrage of watered down rock since 1996. Characterized by a mundane midtempo and repetitive riffing, Coldplay songs swell and swell, but never develop. Instead, listeners are flooded with a sound oscillating slowly between dripping guitars and spacey vocals. Coldplay’s music has no current. If you were to pour it into box, it would brim placidly, and remain contentedly stagnant. Most crippling, I think, is Coldplay’s lyrical indulgence of emotion: “Are you lost or incomplete… can’t find your missing piece?” Take the song titles: “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall”

or “Hurts like Heartbreak.” Repetition, too, is drowning Coldplay: when the lead guitar unabashedly repeats the vocal line in “Talk.” When sixteenth note strikings of each chord fill two minutes of “Fix You.” Coldplay is hard to hate. They support Amnesty International. They turned down multi–million dollar contracts from Gatorade, Diet Coke and Gap, refusing to link their songs with products. Chris Martin is known for wearing a ‘make trade fair’ bracelet. And if that isn’t enough, 10% of the band’s profits go to charity. True — Coldplay’s politics are decidedly appealing. So was the 16–year–old Australian who introduced me to them. But these things cannot compensate for their hollow predictability, lyrical simpering and dampened musicality. Coldplay, if ever a pleasure, will always be a guilty one.

aturation often brings with it deeper contemplations, more difficulties and multi–layered change. So it goes with Surfer Blood’s new EP, Tarot Classics, particularly the strong opening track “I’m Not Ready.” Mixing a heavy dose of acoustic and electric guitar, as well as a characteristically psychadelic edge, the track shows that Surfer Blood has continued to develop beyond the initially profound notions they began with on Astro Coast. “I’m Not Ready” reeks melodically of the first album, though perhaps with a slightly harder pop edge. Lyrically, the band has shifted gears into examining the human condition, a move first made on the track “Catholic Pagans.” While less surreal than previous efforts, “Ready” showcases Surfer Blood’s musical proficiency, building very gradually to a refrain hidden within the song — “And I’m not ready to look the other way/Take a look under the microscope man/Try and ignore the disarray.” Of course, this track and its EP should be viewed as an exploration and extension of the band. By no means does “Ready” depart drastically from Astro Coast. Rather, it comes as both a breath of fresh air and a reminder that some bands can grow up without growing apart. — Alex Hosenball

Mylo Xyloto (pronounced my–lo zy–letoe), is the band’s first release since 2008’s Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends, which enjoyed tremendous commercial success. Their third album, X&Y, claimed the same honor in 2005, moving 8.3 million copies globally. With multiple Grammys and album sales of around $50 million to their name, Coldplay has become one of the biggest bands of the past decade. That being said, recent interviews indicate some uncertainty from the group. “We got to a very low place on the last record where we felt not very popular,” lead singer Chris Martin told the Sun tabloid. “But it was refreshing as it made us start from scratch — a clean slate.” When questioned about competition in the industry, Martin expressed trepidation over Coldplay’s continuing ability to main-

College sophomore Dorian Mendoza is host of “Blue Not Gray” on WQHS, which airs Tuesdays from 10 p.m.–12 a.m.

Sounds Like: A great band on the decline 99–Cent Download:

“Paradise”

Good For: Coldplay

loyalists

tain an edge. If they mean to compete with younger top acts, they need to re– inject more raw emotion into their music. In response to press inquiries about the title, Martin has insisted that “it doesn’t have any meaning.” This statement says a lot about the character of the album as a whole. Lacking the strong chorus and profound songwriting of earlier albums, the lion’s share of this album’s lyrics is annoyingly repetitive and overly simplistic. However, the two slow, acoustic songs, "U.F.O." and "Us Against the World," allow for a heartfelt vulnerability to shine

through, which is the signature of Coldplay’s emotional music in previous albums. These make me want to love the album, but again, I fear that longtime Coldplay fans will simply find it to be too comparatively shallow on the whole. The songs seem to channel Bob Dylan, while forgetting the beauty of depth in lyrics and sound. Much of the album seems like a forced

detour from the familiar, especially with the duet of Rihanna and Chris Martin on “Princess of China.” Perhaps it can be said that the only flaw of this album is trying too hard, which will certainly be felt by carefully attuned and loyal Coldplay fans. Yet, overall, these efforts will be appreciated, and with the catchy collection of album tracks, it is sure to go multi–platinum.

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

Guest Mixtape

Mylo Xyloto

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One Track Mind: Mylo Xy–Oh–No Coldplay loses emotional depth on fifth studio album. By Roya butler Surfer Blood’s oldplay’s fifth “I’m Not Ready” coldplay studio album,

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011 12

ty res l i u g su a ple HOCUS

FILM

IN DEFENSE OF MOVIES

POCUS

You won't just find an Almost Famous poster on my wall. BY SHELBY RACHLEFF

few weeks ago, two girls were standing in line at Einstein’s and chatting. “I’d totally join Street,” one said, “but I feel like it’s just, like, a million people being obsessed with movies. I’m sorry, films.” As college students, we’ve got enough on our plates — classes, clubs, struggling to snatch a job before Thanksgiving. It’s a lot to ask that we be well–versed in German cinema during the Weimar Republic, too. Where did this notion come from that, in order to be considered a film lover or well–respected intellectual of any sort, one must be partial to the foreign and indie genres? Since when did this pretentious connotation of “film” arise?

I’m a firm believer that one can be both a film festival junkie and a lover of all things Apatow. So let me come out and say it — I can quote Old School nearly verbatim. I’ve seen Sex Drive five times. “Movies” are not something to be disregarded. That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate film — call me for a 10 a.m. double feature of Waltz with Bashir and Revanche any time. But on those days when I’ve just finished two midterms and can’t handle any more history, a good ‘ole shoot ‘em up movie is significantly more comforting. There are those films that transcend traditional comedy borders — it’s perfectly acceptable to admit that you’ve got Bill Murray’s speech from

(1993)

Caddyshack memorized, or that Animal House is in your top three (wearing Bluto’s “College” shirt was even hip for a while). With time, each of those has achieved a cult– like following.

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Is it just time that has bridged the gap between gross–out humor and hipster approval? Or is there something truly superior about the comedies of the 70s? These days, movies like Wedding Crashers and The Hangover have received plenty of critical acclaim. Some contend that they even reveal more about the human condition than a two and a half hour brooding period piece (we’re looking at you, Blue Valentine). Perhaps it comes down to the issue of art — indies are the impression oeuvres, Apatow is the comic book shop next door. But what about action and shoot ‘em up films? Tarantino, for example, treads the line between mainstream and cult appreciation. Pulp Fiction posters plaster a good half of the walls of the quad, but cinephiles can cite Resevoir Dogs as a game–changing classic. I can’t provide the answers. I’d just like to believe that I can have my Jason Statham fix and my Almodovar fix, too. In the end, it’s about balance. Next time you see a member of the Philomathean Society, casually namedrop Will Ferrel. I dare you.

t’s 1 p.m. in mid–October and you’re surfing channels instead of going to class. You stumble upon the Disney Channel and vaguely recognize a few characters from your youth. 90 minutes later, as the credits roll, you can’t help but wonder, “Why was that movie almost good?” Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and a pre–Carrie Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker star in Hocus Pocus as the Sanderson Sisters, three witches who were (temporarily) executed in the Salem Witch Trials. Flash forward to the mid– 90s. It’s Halloween night and teen virgin Max (who never did anything noteworthy again) thinks the Sanderson legend is “hocus pocus.” An innocent candle lighting brings about the three scariest hags imaginable — Bette, Kathy and SJP. With the help of an immortal talking black cat who was once the brother of a Sanderson victim, Max, his sister and his love interest fight the witches and all their sassy vengeance. The movie is ridiculous and painfully '90s, but is somehow suspenseful, nostalgic and Halloween–y enough for the campiness to be enjoyable. And if it’s too much for you to handle before last call, at least relish in the overt sexuality of the virgin candle lighting and in Bette Midler (spoiler alert!) turning to stone and crumbling. Wait, didn’t that happen in real life? —Ben Lern

From the Olsen cult to the Sundance cult. BY NICK STERGIOPOULOS

till riding a wave of buzz that began nine months ago at Sundance, Martha Marcy May Marlene is finally out of the festival circuit and playing in theaters nationwide. Sundance has a penchant for finding new talent, and indeed Elizabeth Olsen and first–time director Sean Durkin display a remarkable maturity in their craft that is hardly novice. Olsen plays the titular Martha, who runs away from an abusive cult in upstate New York. She takes refuge at her sister’s lake house, but has very little recollection of her past, just incomplete and fragmented memories. As she struggles to adapt to a more “normal” lifestyle, she slips into a debilitating paranoia — is the cult leader (Hawkes) trying to find her? As the title suggests, the film is about fractured identity, following Martha’s attempt to piece together her life. There are frequent flashbacks to her time with the cult, but the word ‘flashback’ isn’t quite fitting. For Martha, the past collapses into the present, leading to disorientation and tension.

D L O T AS PENN: BY

HORROR MOVIES

With Halloween right around the corner, Street decided to catch up with some of Penn’s campus leaders about their favorite spooky films.

MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE Directed by: Sean Durkin Starring: Elizabeth Olsen, John Hawkes Rated R, 101 min.

Because the flashbacks are shot similarly to the present action, we, like Martha, are never quite sure where we are in time and space. Durkin wisely avoids cheap thrills throughout, and instead creates an atmosphere of escalating dread and suspense, reflecting Martha’s paranoia. Elizabeth Olsen deserves every bit of praise she’s received

for her performance. In nearly every shot, she is able to convey a range of emotions just through her beautifully expressive face. From wide–eyed naivete to embarrassment to debilitating dread, Olsen makes Martha extremely believable and sympathetic. The film doesn’t demonize the cult, though it of course condemns its violence and misogyny. Rather, MMMM examines what it means to fit in to any group at all, thus broadening the definition of “cult.” Our family is sort of like a “cult," as is our group of friends. Thus, in negotiating her place in society, Martha is like all of us, and we easily identity with her struggles.

“

y favorite horror film by far is Brian De Palma's adaptation of Stephen King’s Carrie. The number of bad remakes alone prove the awesomeness of this film. It doesn’t matter how terrible The Rage: Carrie 2 is. What matters is that these directors saw enough greatness in Carrie to ruin it. And if it weren’t for Carrie, Jan wouldn’t have been a psychopath in the '90s gem that is The Brady Bunch Movie. And I doubt Superbad would’ve had that period blood scene, either. —Lauren Yates, Excelano Project Director

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THE 4M CLUB

“

efinitely The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t scared of dancing transvestites, a man– made hunk or Meatloaf on a motorcycle. But Susan Sarandon in her underwear? Terrifying. —Megan Lacey, Bloomers Chairwoman

THE THIRD WHEEL es o h S thing o l s C k Boo

Street: What convinced you that Lizzie was the right choice? Sean Durkin: I just had a feeling that she was. We saw a lot of people, and I knew she was the best. Her read was the best. I thought that she was a very vibrant person — she’s the complete opposite of Martha. And I thought if we had that underneath Martha’s hard shell that would come through some way in her eyes. I think she has a depth and intelligence working underneath this calm person. Street: When did you know you wanted to act? Elizabeth Olsen: I was in love with Frank Sinatra and all I wanted was to be a Frank Sinatra girl in a musical. I started doing kids musicals when I was eight years old and I started taking dancing and singing classes and ballet. I was training to be Frank Sinatra’s wife. And then I found out he won an Academy Award for lifetime achievement, and I saw him old for the first time. That was the first time I ever experienced heartbreak. But I knew that was what I wanted to do.

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34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

Street sat down with Martha Marcy May Marlene director Sean Durkin and actress Elizabeth Olsen. Turns out, Lizzie isn’t just Mary–Kate and Ashley’s little sister anymore. By NICK STERGIOPOULOS

s 13

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

ARTS

DIY: Halloween Decor

Still recovering from that post–midterm freak–out? Throwing a Halloween party? Unfortunately, the terrifying state of your living room does not count 1. Cut out a donut shape from a cardboard cereal box as holiday decor, but Arts has you covered. For under and glue sticks to it, relatively close together. $10, this easy–to–make stick wreath can spice up your party… and cover up that dubious stain on your wall. By Megan Ruben and

2. Spray paint the wreath black. (Don’t do this indoors!)

Ellie Levitt

Materials: • Sticks • Cereal box • Ribbon • Spray paint ($7.50) • Plastic spiders ($1.50) 3. Glue on plastic spiders.

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

Calling all Philadelphians with access to a camera, phone or computer — yeah, we talkin’ to you.

Tomorrow marks the second annual Philly Photo Day, an opportunity for anyone to take a picture within city limits and then submit it to be displayed in a week–long exhibit at the Philadelphia Photo Arts Center (1400 N. American St.) You have until Oct. 31 to upload your work to philaphotoarts.org, so get snap–silly and contribute to a unique time capsule of the city through the eyes of its diverse community.

4. Hang up with a ribbon and bask in crafty glory.

ARTISTPROFILE: Alex Goree

Check out an extended interview and images of Alex Goree’s most recent work on her ARTIST PROFILE at 34st.com

How to Use a Tampon

LOWBROW

wordonthestreet

As children raised by Wiccan parents who celebrated Samhain in lieu of Halloween for the first 18 October 31sts of our lives, we at Lowbrow want to make up for lost time and salvage any remnants of a proper childhood while we still can. That’s why this year we decided to dress up like our cool, better–looking cousin, Highbrow… only sluttier.

Everybody Hates Handjobs Even if your partner is ambidextrous and has double–jointed fingers, or promises to add you on Facebook in the morning, a handjob is never the right answer. Let’s be real: you don’t want to spend the next 4 1/2 minutes asking him if he wants it harder, better, faster, stronger. And she knows her way downtown better than any Theta on a Thursday, so just leave it to the pro. After all, we all know ingesting a shot of protein will do you more good in the morning than waking up with carpal tunnel. Fast forward past the first 40 minutes of sweaty, titillating DFMO — now is no time to start talking. The sound of dry fingers rubbing your partner’s goods is so deafening that even dirty talk seems like an OK idea. But one person always

Kudos to the Theta Tau senior caught having sex with a robot in the Engineering Quad. We guess robots are people (R2D)too? To whoever scheduled Parents’ Weekend during Halloween, you’re great at your job. We can’t wait to see all the slutty Von Trapp families walking around. We salute you, malnourished vegan, who chat–and–cut a record six people in the Magic Carpet line to get your coveted veggie burger last Friday. Your method is so cutthroat — we’re surprised you don’t like red meat.

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gets into it more than the other, and it’s a total mood–killer when he asks you to dress up in his mother’s pearls and tell him that you're proud of him. Thankfully, with some good ol’ oral, cock’s got her tongue and cat’s got his. Ladies, haven’t you seen enough Disney movies to know that every fairy tale ends with a happy ending (read: a blowjob from Mulan in a seedy massage parlor in Chinatown)? Maybe one of the dwarfs wouldn’t be so grumpy if Snow White would have blown his mind instead of just toying with his gems. And gentlemen, we all know you need a roadmap and can’t bear the thought of asking for directions, but she can’t bear another night of futile treasure hunting. G marks the spot, Captain Hook.

Roasts to the folks who didn’t get the memo; you almost made fetch happen… but then you didn’t. One Kings Court freshman finally separated himself from the herd, securing a fake ID and an entrance to Smoke’s. Things got awkward when he knew no one there. Next time, say hi to us! Shame on the Wharton junior who found out yesterday that sushi at Houston is not actually free. Similarly, we shake our heads at the “big–boned” sophomore who just realized that Pottruck is not a new food cart on campus selling edibles. In other news, it’s Halloween at Penn. Where’s Waldo? Everywhere.

over heard PENN at

Girl 1: Wait, what were you saying before? Girl 2: I forget.

Student: My PennCard won’t swipe. Van Pelt Security Guard: Turn the card around. Student: Oh, thanks.

your treat!

Boy: When is the Street meeting? Street: Tonight at 6:30. Boy: OK cool. @34st

34TH STREET Magazine October 27, 2011

“Highbrow” here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Penn’s elite. Toasts to the people who took the road less traveled this week; it has made all the difference.

By RAIGE PUBIN

et’s face it, we’ve all been there. Your boyfriend dumped you for that bitch Stephanie whose hair isn’t even that nice; Daddy refused to pay for your trip to Cancun; Mother introduced you to another one of her “work friends”; that saladista at Sweetgreen didn’t put your dressing on the side after you specifically asked him twice; and your score fell below the curve on your first Math 104 midterm. In other words, we’ve all had rough weeks. In spite of these debilitating setbacks, I took a proactive and positive, shall we say, handle on my life. At first, I did it just to let off some steam. I did it once and thought that I’d stop there, but I soon realized that it was the perfect fix after a hectic day at Penn. It relaxed me and provided a 10–minute escape from work. Besides, I wasn’t hooked; I knew I could stop whenever I wanted. I did it occasionally, usually just once a week: when somebody took my laundry out of the machine before it was done, when some Philadelphia outreach program was flyering extra obnoxiously on Locust or when some jerk told me I was PMSing while I was PMSing. But soon, it became an addiction. I pursued this new recreation with ferocious eagerness and bloodlust. I’d do it not only when I was feeling stressed or needed a boost of self–esteem, but almost every night for no particular reason at all. I hid my guilty secret in the BioPond, got high off the thrill it gave me and, soon enough, Stephanie rotted into a distant memory. I suspected that I could still quit, but I no longer wanted to. I lived for the exhilarating rush it gave me. And really, what’s the point? For the first time I actually have a real–life, one–of–a– kind Halloween costume that I didn’t have to scramble together in one night: axe murderer. Wait, what did you think I was talking about?

TRUE LIFE

TOASTS&ROASTS

Killer Addiction

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a.kitchen 135 S. 18th St. WALN

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Burger.org 534 S. 4th St.

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King Tut 401 S. 13th St.

Dmitri's 2227 Pine St.

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Friday Saturday Sunday 261 S. 21st St.

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Day By Day 2101 Sansom St.

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Rotisseur 108 S. 21st St.

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Our Fall 2011 Dining Guide came out yesterday, with 21 new and notable restaurants, BYOs and food trucks in Philadelphia for you to try out. If you didn't pick up The DP, it's also online in PDF form at 34st.com. Looking for where we think you should goR Afor C E your next meal out? Check out the locations of some of our favorite reviewed restaurants around the city. S T R E E T

Monsu 901 Christian St.

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Las Bugambilias 148 South St.

(Pssst, didn't read the Dining Guide? Here's a recap.) “Even this picky eater took her delicious breast and wing combo in hand and cleaned the bone entirely.” Rotisseur

“The combination of the salty, rich choucroute with the seared scallops was unusual in the best sense.” a.kitchen

“The meal… left me in such good spirits that the sheer memory will mask the taste of Commons for at least a week.” Monsu

“Her daughter, growing up at the restaurant, learned how to bake a mean pastry somewhere along the way.” Day By Day

"The meat was tender and juicy… just pushing the borderline of flavor–overload.” Burger.org