11.19.15

November 19-25, 2015 34st.com

november 19

GOODBYEFROMTHEEDITOR

2015

LOL

This is my final letter as Editor–in–Chief. For the past 3.5 years, Street has been my everything. I love this magazine more than I love most of Penn. It gave me the people I call my best friends and EIC the best version of myself. But I need to move on. I love this magazine, but I can't be here anymore.

I don’t know my next job, next semester, next class. But because of Street, I do know that I found my place and my people.

My year as EIC challenged me to be the best at all times. And I haven't been the best at all time. I banned “Canada Goose” from the publication, I educated Corey on the best places to store tampons and I staged a marriage for Marley. But I’ve never slept so little. I cried to my parents more than I did in my four high school years. I’ve never forced myself to manage so many parts of myself. I’ve never felt more anxious. And now, I’ve never felt more proud.

That’s because of the people who make Street a nest. To the 131 Exec, Corey, Marley, Byrne, Ling, Ariela: If I were forced to repopulate the earth, I would do it with you guys. If I'm a backpack, you are my tampons. To the Street staff, I am so impressed with all of you. Thank you for filling my year with amazing content and amazing human contact.

When I came into this position, I said I wanted to “make shit happen.” Street, we made shit happen. In the form of poop jokes and in the legacy we’ve left behind.

I don’t know who I am without Street, but I’m looking forward to finding out.

STREET STREET STREET FUCK,

3 HIGHBROW

people in your yearbook, round up, overheards

4 WORD ON THE STREET aco4prez

5 EGO

steve rybicki, class swap

LOL

LOL

7, 15 MUSIC

DJs, your year in music

11 SUPERLATIVES see–ya seenyas

16 FOOD & DRINK

dining hall superlatives, seniors making the world healthier

LOL

18 ARTS

penn imitates art, mural dedication

20 SHOUTOUTS LOL

fuckin' shoutouts ya bitches

AS PETE(R?) WENTZ ONCE SAID: THNKS FR TH MMRS COME TO OUR (MY) LAST WRITERS MEETING 6:30PM TONIGHT @ 4015 'NUT OUTTIE 3000, NERDS. HAGS. – SAVAGE MARLZ

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ling Zhou, Design Director Byrne Fahey, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Yasmin Meleis, Social Media and Marketing Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Rebecca Heilweil, Features Editor Casey Quackenbush, Culture Editor Orly Greenberg, Word on the Street Editor Caroline Marques, Entertainment Editor Emily Johns, Styles Editor

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Conor Cook, Highbrow Beat Allie Cohen, Ego Beat Carolyn Grace, Ego Beat Spencer Winson, Lowbrow Beat Caroline Harris, Lowbrow Beat Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beat Emily Hason, Film and TV Beat Brandon Slotkin, Film and TV Beat Steph Barron, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Elena Modesti, Food + Drink Beat Dina Zaret, Health, Food + Drink Beat

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Galit Krifcher, Design Editor Holly Li, Design Editor Jeffrey Yang, Design Editor

Katie Dumke, Photo Editor Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Producer Randi Kramer, Copy Director Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman, Julie Chu Cheong, Dan Maher, Amanda Reid, Pat Goodridge, Julie Levitan Staff Photographers: Alex Fisher, Pat Goodridge Staff Designers: Mica Tenenbaum, Nadia Kim, Sofie Praestgaard Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Pat Goodridge, Alex Fisher and Katie Dumke.

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "I can drink soda like SigChi kids can drink beer." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

Highbrow cracked open our high school yearbooks and gushed over all of the signatures! We almost forgot just how popular we were. Here are the types of people you'll definitely find in yours.

Britney has a lot to write—she’s going to need to take your yearbook home for the evening.

She needs to remind you of all your inside jokes, silly nicknames and embarrassing crushes from the year. And the next day, there’s a chance she will forget to bring your yearbook back to school because she’s too focused on getting signatures for her own. Damn it, Britney! This isn’t how BFFs treat each other. I’ve lost a day’s worth of signatures, you selfish bitch!

That girl you a borrowed tampon from that one time? Or the girl whose bed you accidentally wet that night you had your first beer? Or that chick whose calculus tests you totally cheated off? These people aren’t quite your friends, per se, but they totally LYLAS anyway.

THEROUNDUP Raise your goblets—Highbrow is giving a toast to this week’s fowl play. Join our pregame for Dranksgiving and help yourself to our gossip feast.

If you’re feeling yourself, please make sure you’re not in the library. On a quiet Friday night in Fisher Fine Farts, one studious Quaker needed to take a break from his work. Rather than a visit to Facebook or a quick smoke outside à la chic internationals, this boy began to stream porn in the library.

In the horny heat of the moment, he unfortunately forgot to make sure that his headphones were plugged into his laptop. As the porn played, moans echoed throughout the library. The sex sounds continued for a solid 30 seconds before one brave girl got up and tapped him on the shoulder. Realizing this was not a helping hand, the embarrassed boy quickly shut his computer, packed up and left.

at

Delancey Boy 1: What did we do on your 21st?

Delancey Boy 2: You gave me the sickest vinyl ever, and then I yacked on your French press.

Maybe you had a crush on this teacher…or the teacher had a crush on you? Regardless, there’s always a brooding English teacher who is wildly intelligent and insightful. Everyone loves positive affirmation from their teachers, and this is just the way to receive some praise—and it will forever be marked in your yearbook. In five years you’ll look back and think, “Shit, even my teachers loved me.”

Drunk betch: You abandoned us for a lesbian boy.

Anyone who signs your yearbook “HAGS” is a waste of space. “Have a great summer”? More like “Ha, YOU HAG, I never even liked you. Watch me deface your yearbook, xo.” Sometimes, however, there’s an interesting story behind that lame message. What if your lab partner Austin really wrote that generic message? You were totally into his piercing blue eyes and shaggy hair (which at least covered his forehead acne).

Remember: When nobody's watching, masturbate like someone is—not the reverse.

Speaking of poor public conduct, one drunk boy finally recognized McDonald's for the shithole that it is. After a long night of partying, the Quaker found himself in desperate need of a bathroom.

Sources say that, after a few minutes of aimlessly wandering, the plastered party–goer gave up and headed for the corner by the counter, unzipped and started pissing on the floor. 20 seconds later he finished up and left, with McDonald's employees none the wiser. We joke, but really: don't shit piss where you eat.

Over the river and through the woods to Theos party we go! Highbrow hears that this year’s Woodser event didn’t go as they had hoped. Issues first started when sophomore boys brought the wrong speaker cables. Then, one sophomore girl was really craving an elevated surface and tried climbing up the speakers—but ended up ripping out all the cables. With no music playing, party goers resorted

over heard PENN

Spiritual JAP: I plan on being a Buddhist in my retirement, but I need to raise my kids Jewish first.

Guy pointing at frat composites: See, we used to have Asians!

Matter–of–fact dude on Locust: It doesn't matter how many people you have sex with. It matters how many people want to have sex with you.

to congregating around the campfire and waited for hot dogs. Sophomore boys attempted to fix the situation by playing music from a car inside the tent, but the music wasn’t loud enough to reignite the party. Even though these technical difficulties were resolved, the party needed much more than a gas pedal to rev up.

Frat failures don’t stop there. At an Apes rush event this week, brothers planned for some surprise guests to put on a show. The brothers sufficiently liquor lubed up the parties goers in preparation for the strippers, only to be left blue balled. Turns out it was pretty clear that the rushes were underaged.

The dancers could not scar the youngins, refused to perform and soon left the house. We’re sorry this was a literal showstopper.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

PRESENTING MADAM PRESIDENT

I

n 2005 at Walt Whitman Elementary School, a dynasty was born when I was elected president of the school—my long ascent to power was only beginning. I went on to be elected president of my middle school, class president in ninth, tenth and eleventh grade, until finally I solidified my domination of my hometown's political throne as student body president my senior year.

So it was no surprise that when my high school yearbook's superlative season rolled around senior year, my tenure as president would garner another win as "Most Likely to be President of the

ALLIE COHEN United States." I mean, my nickname was "Aco4Prez" for God's sake (people really called me that).

I won awards. I got into Penn. I gave a speech at graduation. In high school, I was special. In high school, I was superlative.

But that's the funny thing about coming to Penn. I came here, and my specialness wasn't distinguished. It was far from special. Within the first few days of NSO, I met six other former high school presidents. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me until then that every high school in America also had a student body president. And a bunch of those student body presidents were now freshman at Penn.

My former distinction suddenly seemed less than impressive, my identity drowned in a sea of peers whose accomplishments rivaled mine—a sea of former published scientists, Olympic athletes, Intel scholars and, apparently, even former American Idol contestants.

However, in my first few weeks of Penn—though I could already feel the waves of my newfound relative–averageness sloshing at my feet—I still had the spirit and confidence of a girl whose head was still far above water. I went out for everything that piqued my interest, and by senior year I have assembled a pretty nice list of things I'm passionate about: class board, Penny Loafers, OAX, Street. Longer than my resume, however, is the list of things from which I've been rejected. And that list is long. The bar is simply higher here, and despite my 6'0" stature, sometimes I can't reach it.

A friend of mine once told me that she admired the fact that no matter how many

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times I've been rejected, nothing could stop me from going for the next thing.

While I appreciate her sentiment, I also think she pointed out my most destructive personality trait. She doesn't know how many nights I've spent crying on the phone with my mom feeling rejected, embarrassed, not good enough for Penn. My insatiable desire to be the most impressive version of myself has led to many accomplishments, but after a particularly brutal round of rejections last year (and ten tubs of Ben and Jerry's), I couldn't help but wonder at what point I'll stop trying to prove myself, and just be proud of myself.

Being superlative was certainly an honor, but it was by no means a guarantee of inevitable and overwhelming success. I may no longer be superlative, but I needed to learn that just because there isn't someone handing me a trophy or medal for everything I achieve, it doesn't mean my success isn't legitimate. Most of the time, there isn't going to be the right institution or formalized recognition to celebrate the things that make you special.

My reign over all presidential titles may have ended after my high school superlative, but I can pride myself in other areas.

So while I might not win "Most Likely to be President of the United States" at the end of the year, I know I've mastered other domains. "Most Likely to Do What She Loves"? I've got that down. And "Most Likely to be the First to Suggest Leaving Smokes' for Allegro." I'd definitely win that.

"I couldn't help but wonder at what point I'll stop trying to prove myself, and just be proud of myself. "

Illustration by: Sofie Praestgaard 4

My regime as high–school president—and my rude awakening at Penn.

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

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34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

talk with the girls next to me. Suddenly, I realized that the chatter started to die down. At this point, I finally checked out the packet. I saw a bunch of complex words, some of which I vaguely recognized from high school biology. This was a midterm…oops.

CREATIVE • BALANCED • SIMPLE 1608 SOUTH STREET • PHILADELPHIA, PA 215-790-0330 • ENTREEBYOB.COM

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EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: STEVE RYBICKI Street took a walk down memory Street with this week's Ego, Steve Rybicki. Read on to find out if "Scooba Steve" sat at the jock or the nerd table in the high school cafeteria and how he hasn't changed since.

Street: Which high school cliché is most you: Quarterback dating the head cheerleader, nerd stuck in a locker or rebel who throws a party when his parents are out of town?

Steve Rybicki: "Quarterback dating the head cheerleader"… except I played soccer at all– guys school that didn't have any cheerleaders….

Street: If your high school had superlatives, which would you get?

SR: Student Who Pulled the Most All–Nighters. I had, and still have, the most absurd sleep schedule.

Street: What's your go–to study break during an all nighter?

SR: The Amazing Race. Anytime I’m studying and need a break, I flip on Amazing Race and watch the newest episode. I’m also a huge music buff. I’ve been playing drums since I was little, I taught myself piano and

remember, I just was never able to smell. Even at a young age when guys would joke around Street: What’s on your senior about farts or poop, I'd joke bucket list? along with them, but I never SR: Go on a crazy spring break had any idea what they were Street: What table would you trip. I’ve always gone home talking about. Then when I got or stayed on campus during older and started cooking for have sat at in the cafeteria spring breaks, so it’s time to do myself after school, my parents from Mean Girls?

SR: If the varsity jocks formed something fun. I also want to would come in the house and explore Philly more. be able to tell what it was that a strategic alliance with the Asian nerds and then made a I cooked. I would freak out lunch table, that's probably Street: Can you tell us the because I never told them what meaning behind your nickI cooked. It's a blessing and where I sat. name “Scooba Steve”? a curse. Obviously there are Street: What’s your favorite SR: Scooba Steve was a nickthings that I want to smell, name that I got through club like a nice meal or a perfume show or movie with a high school setting? soccer my freshman year. My or something outside. But if SR: Boy Meets World. Favorite first time out with the team someone farts, it doesn’t phase show growing up, hands down. we all drank a ton, and I don’t me at all. really remember most of the Street: What is the weirdest Street: Where would you defi- night. I went to practice the nitely be spotted as an alum next morning and everyone thing you’ve experienced as a was calling me Scooba. I didn’t PennQuest leader? during Homecoming? really understand it, but it kind SR: This year on the trail, my SR: The crepe place in Houston. My friend and I are always of stuck. group and my friend Dimitri’s Street: We’ve heard you don’t group crossed paths. Dimitri there either doing work or hanging out with Chris, the have a sense of smell…fact or and I had made a pact when guy who runs it. He gives us fiction? we were freshman that if we a ton of food. My favorite is SR: Fact. Ever since I can were both leaders, we would do a tandem poop our senior year. We'd both basically squat, hold each other’s hands, look into each other’s eyes and poop. Not only did we make sure that we did it, but we got a lot of our freshman to do it also. We called it “the two group poop,” and we had twenty people total poop in a circle together.

So freaking weird, but very PennQuest.

I love to sing, so working at Platt because I can scoot in the rehearsal rooms and play a little music (Ed. note: Did someone say triple threat, or...*tugs collar*).

bacon and egg with a ton of vegetables. Every time.

Major: Bioengineer Minors: Math, Biophysics Hometown: Randolph, NJ Activities: Senior Captain and President of Men's Club Soccer, Hex, SAE, Platt Student Performing Arts House Student Assistant, Sleep and Chronobiology Lab at HUP: Research Assistant & EEG Technician, PennQuest Pre– Orientation Program Group Leader and Head Coordinator.

three,” and after three we make a dolphin noise. When we see each other on Locust, we make the dolphin call to each other.

Street: What advice would you give to your freshman year self?

SR: I would say not to lower my expectations for myself. I came from a competitive high school and assumed that coming to an Ivy league school would be tough, so I think I lowered my expectations for myself.

Sophomore year, I raised my expectations and did much better. I would give the advice to always try your best at everything.

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Street: Does the men’s club soccer team have any special rituals?

SR: We call ourselves "The Dolphinos."

Before we start a game we say, “Dolphinos on

This article has been edited and condensed

MUSIC

BEST INDIE ALBUM MOST CATCHY: This year in music had it all: The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between.

TALIA STERMAN

MOST LIKELY TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY Dopamine by BØRNS. It’s Garrett Borns’ spin on indie pop, bursting with danceable beats, singalong lyrics and musical happiness. So give it a listen, because it will definitely bring you a little electric love.

The catchiest songs of all are the ones you least expect.

They start out innocent, suck you in and throw you away only wanting more. Enter "Multi–Love" by Unknown

Mortal Orchestra: Lo–fi rock with psychedelic flair and a killer hook that won’t leave your head any time in the foreseeable future.

Carrie & Lowell by Sufjan Stevens. Sufjan takes you on a very personal, heart–wrenching journey through this album framed by his late mother, Carrie. In typical Sufjan fashion, it’ll make you feel real feelings.

And you’re gonna love it.

BEST RAP ALBUM To Pimp a Butterfly by Kendrick Lamar. Kendrick Lamar takes the crown with songs like "King Kunta," "Alright" and "The Blacker the Berry." In short, this album is Kendrick dropping the hottest beats of 2015 while taking a stand against the racism America faces today. And with it, he might have just won the rap game.

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BIGGEST SUCCESS In Colour by Jamie xx.

No shocker here. The most anticipated solo project was teased, then hyped, then over–hyped and yet Jamie Smith still managed to

exceed expectations. There’s a little bit of everything in here, from electronic, to rap, to indie pop. And it all comes together to make something magical.

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MUSIC

MOST OVERRATED

BEST MUSIC VIDEO

Currents by Tame Impala.

Granted, this album is actually awesome. And you should definitely have this on repeat, maybe even until the end of time. But the amount of attention it garnered is borderline obsessive. The critics will always like what they like, no surprise there. So we’re just gonna sit back, put on some "Eventually" and let it happen.

"Hotline Bling" by Drake.

Drake does one thing really well here, but it’s not his dancing in a monochromatic room.

It’s the fact that he purposely crafted this to be the most meme–ified/imitated/parodied video ever since "Friday" by Rebecca Black. That’s one way to try and break the internet.

But to land a number one on Billboard, you’ll have to do better.

MOST LIKELY TO GIVE ZERO FUCKS: Kurt Vile. 35. Married.

Father of two. b’lieve I’m goin down makes us believe even more what we already know: That Kurt Vile is the chillest rocker there is. KV just *gets* it, with observant lyrics and low–key humor on every track about the game called life. If that doesn’t convince you, I mean…look at his hair. I'd be into a life like this.

MOST OVERPLAYED "Uptown Funk" by Bruno Mars & Mark Ronson. We’ve played and replayed and replayed and loved every second of it. But once a song becomes

Steak, Chicken, Shrimp & Grilled Vegetables

BIGGEST SURPRISE This would have been a tie between If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late and 25 (but Drake’s surprise mixtape inspired one too many unoriginal fling tanks…). We’re giving this one to Adele. There were speculations for far too long, but thanks to a surprise X–Factor commercial reveal and a record–breaking single, it’s finally happening. "Hello" from the other side, Adele. It’s so good to have you back.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT Return to the Moon, EL VY. What started out as a power couple with the promising title track slowly faded into a mashup of Matt Berninger’s (The National) melancholy and Brent Knopf ’s (Menomena/ Ramona Falls) pop beats. We’re already over it though, because The National are coming back for album number five.

PERSON YOU SHOULD WANT TO BE the token choice for more than one Passover–themed cover, it’s time to let it go.

Tequila-Fired Fajita Night

everyone’s thinking. Her highly–anticipated first full album, Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit (Alternate title: Every Penn Kid, Ever), captures the monotony, the mundane and the sheer irony of existence as we know it. Life’s a lot better as Courtney Barnett.

Courtney Barnett. This Aussie indie rocker is making a kick–ass music career by just actually saying what

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24 HOURS IN HELLEGRO BRANDON SLOTKIN

“What if we sent someone to spend 24 hours in Allegro?” Asked some terrible person.

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” The words were out of my mouth before I could grab them back. Fuck.

Over the next couple of days, I convinced myself that spending 24 hours in Allegro would be a great idea for a couple of reasons: 1. Who’s really at Allegro between 4am and 9am?

2. Who else can say they’ve spent 24 hours in Allegro?

I get there at 11am on Saturday, Nov. 14. I encourage friends to come and visit.

Peter Jeffrey (W ’16) strolls in at 11:45am and orders breakfast food: two eggs over medium with bacon, fries and toast. He loves it. “You might see me getting this at 12:10am,” he says as he leaves.

Key Discovery Number One: Allegro has breakfast.

My second visitor, Linnea Cederberg (Huntsman '16), has the same question. “So you’re going to pull an all–nighter, in Allegro, for fun?” she asks. In my notes, a version of me responds, “YES, WHAT DON’T PEOPLE GET ABOUT THIS?” I still don’t get it.

Key Discovery Number Two: I don’t really know why I’m doing this.

I try to buy a six–pack at noon, but the cashier informs me that I can’t buy a six–pack in Allegro and then drink it inside of Allegro. This is nonsensical. I could, presumably, buy single bottles and drink those, but that’s not cost–effective. I do what seems to make the most sense at the time: I blast Facebook and listservs with requests for booze.

A friend offers me the choice between tequila and whiskey, which means she’s actively trying to kill me. She brings me half of a water bottle of Maker’s Mark.

Another friend brings me a thermos full of Malibu, which is a nice gesture, but doesn't do the trick.

And yet another friend brings me a water bottle half–full of warm beer from a flat keg, because he thinks very little of me.

I sent a friend back to my house to bring me my remaining Tanqueray. I make it through most of the night drinking gin and Cokes (I’m aware these

aren’t a real thing, but Allegro does not have tonic water): Gin to pass the time, Coke to keep me awake.

But the best/worst thing I put in my mouth during this experience­—and that includes Allegro wings—is a concoction referred to as “The Floridian.” My roommate Erik Glen (M&T '16) brings me a water bottle of this at 3:34pm. He slams it down on my table. “There you go, Slotkin.”

He attempts to take the cap off, but when he twists it, physics takes hold and the cap flies across the room. The look of surprise on Glen’s face is as if I just told him that his mother quit her job to become a carny: Well how the fuck did that happen?

He takes a generous swig for someone who was already plastered from a boozy brunch.

I take a sip and nearly gag. “What the fuck is that?” This drink is “65–percent vodka and 35– percent Pepsi.” Glen is adamant that Coke is not the mixer here. “It’s Pepsi, goddammit.”

I spent 24 hours in Allegro. This is what I learned.

versation and asks, "Are you satisfied with reality?

If you could change reality, would you?" Probably.

Peter comes back with a friend who is, for some reason, incredibly impressed with this endeavor of mine. A squad of my housemates show up, and they gamely fill up a thermos with my gin and bring it back to me.

My two housemates, Glen and Andrew Altman (C '17), come in hot, with a veritable two–liter of Floridian.

When it gets too hot in the dining room, we move outside. As I begin a swig of the drink,

Key Discovery Number Three: The best way to do this is drunk.

I keep going.

My friends from the Parlimentary Debate Team, Jesse Berliner–Sachs (C ’19) and Emily Rush (C ’19), arrive. Jesse is stone– cold sober; Emily is very much not. serving Jesse wants to check up on me before Philadelphia running off to catch up with some for over friends. Emily is shouting at her tablemates, "Do you know who I am? Do you know, like, the context of me?" years!

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Andrew farts, and I start laughing uncontrollably, to the point where Floridian starts coming out of my nose. I spit it out to avoid choking on it, right onto the window of a booth where a couple is dining. Sorry.

It's 4:46am and Andrew leaves, but Glen and I go back inside and ask the last table of people what they’re still doing here. They’re honest: “We’re just a bunch of single people Tindering and Bumbling and Hingeing, trying to find something."

At 5:10am, Glen goes home, and I finally have a minute to myself.

I think, damn, that’s the best I’ve felt in a long time.

Key Discovery Number Four: That was fun.

What’s interesting is how anonymous you can be in Allegro. This is an extremely visible exercise.

I stay in the same booth the entire time, with my laptop and an assortment of water bottles on my table and my backpack on the bench next to me. I am near the window; you can walk by outside and see me Twittering or browsing Longreads. I have notes about various times employees and students side–eye me: • 11:11am: Some betch judges the shit out of me for sitting in Allegro with a laptop. Honestly, I deserve it.

• 1:20pm: Theos guys give me weird looks. Idk what to say about that. Maybe I should get some 'za.

• 6:01pm: I think the cashier lady recognizes me. She gives me a Coke for free. Little does

she know, I’M USING IT TO DRINK WHISKEY. • 7:35pm: Big dinner time rush, to the point where it’s taken about a half hour to get the TV changed to the Oklahoma game. When I asked to change the channel, the cashier gave me a DIRTY look.

• 6:59am: Girl walks by and judges me. Have fun with your workout, boo.

• 7:10am: Manager finally displays a healthy concern for my wellbeing and asks what I’m doing.

I’m only really noticeable, as far as I can tell, when the restaurant is kind of empty. As it fills up, as people start planning their nights or going through play–by–play recaps of whatever antics just occurred, I’m invisible.

There’s something beautiful about that anonymity, a space in which you can ignore all of the baggage that comes with being your social self and just sit down down and eat. There’s nothing else like it on this campus.

Over by the soda fountain is the most infamous dude on campus, the kid who allegedly tried to burn down Castle; I don’t notice him until someone points him out to me, and even then, he’s just standing inconspicuously in the corner, waiting for his food.

Adults trickle in and out throughout the night.

I block two of them from getting to a table when a Street writer uses me in an attempted recreation of The Last Supper. I’m Jesus, obviously. I’m a brown–skinned Jew.

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The early morning brings extreme loneliness. Some cops leave at 5:42am, and I’m by myself for the first time in nineteen hours. It’s dark outside. It’s very hot. The manager switches the TV to NFL Network, presumably to torture me.

I’m bloated and feel awful. I’ve had three slices of pizza and ten wings over the last nineteen hours and no physical activity to burn off those calories. They, like me, are just sitting there. I’ve drank three cups of Coke, which is a lot of caffeine and soda for someone who normally avoids both. I feel like I have to burp. I can’t burp. I could really use an Alka–Seltzer.

As the sun is just starting to turn the sky purple, I sit there and think hard about what my life at Penn has been like. Who are my friends here and what do I enjoy doing? More morbid: If I were to die in this restaurant alone at 6:36 in the morning,

who would come to my funeral? Who would speak? Who would care?

I’m a writer for Street. That much is self–evidently true. But that’s new. I’m a brother in a fraternity that I feel increasingly disconnected with, both on an interpersonal level and a cultural level.

I don’t like talking about that. I’m a member of the Parliamentary Debate Team, but never really got the officer positions I wanted there. I work at the Annenberg Public Policy Center. I tutor some other PPE majors in game theory. I’m working on a thesis.

I guess that’s it?

I still don’t quite know why I did this.

Key Discovery Number Six: Allegro is a place for contemplation.

S U P E R L AT I V E S

You wrote in nominations. You campaigned aggressively. You cast over 5,000 votes. You held your breath. The wait is over: meet the chosen members of the class of 2016.

Most Likely to Show Up Late to Graduation: Gabriel Duemichen

Even with 200 voicemails, fifteen alarms and multiple iCal reminders, Gabe Duemichen is rarely on time. But don't mistake tardiness for laziness. This Miami–native engineer is taking the tech–world by storm with his new app, FOMO! Based on his reputation for arriving past fashionably late to parties or coding for an assignment due weeks ago, we’ll have to wait and see if he’ll make it on time to receive his diploma. Let’s just hope Amy Gutmann is willing to wait too. (Ed. note: He was too late to make it into his hall pic below.)

Most likely to be the next Zuckerberg: Matt Schulman

Best Dressed: Ali Miller

The closest Matt came to meeting Mark Zuckerberg was this past summer when the social network god emailed the M&T senior after he was hit by a car while biking to his internship at Facebook. With his job at the company set to start in 2017, Matt is looking to set off with a backpack and laptop after graduation to travel the world. He’ll code whenever he needs the money to fund his mountain climbing adventures in the Himalayas or Jeep trips around Australia.

Until then, he’s flexing his entrepreneurial muscles with Timeturn, his enterprise scheduling app.

There are those whose wardrobes you will always admire from afar—those who treat Locust Walk more like a runway than a road. These rare, inhuman few always look put together, no matter how late they were up the night before. Ali is one of those people—the girl always looks flawless. Whether she’s rocking her over–the– knee boots or sunglasses from a brand you wish you knew, this fashionista is always on trend and never fails to dress to impress.

Closest Freshman Hall: Hill Fourth Floor Purple You know how Penn says that Hill is “fun” and has a “great community?" And you know how that’s definitely bullshit? Well, according to the members of the fourth floor purple suite, being a Quad reject isn’t total social suicide. Maybe misery loves company, or maybe Hill isn’t actually the worst (Ed. note: It is.), but this freshman hall is tighter than the quarters they were forced to share their freshman year (except Eric Kaplan who left for the Quad mid–year). In fact, two couples met on the hall and are still dating— talk about finding love in a hopeless place.

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S U P E R L AT I V E S

Most Likely to Want a Superlative: Gabby Abramowitz Well, she did it. She's been campaigning for this honor since freshman year: All of those days she was late to class because she HAD to stop and catch up with every person she ever met during NSO, all of those clever re–creations of her Dad's old fling and Hey Day photos that got her 600+ likes…. It was all building up to something. She had a superlative in her sights and now, by God, she's done it! Congratulations, Gabby!

Most likely to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated: Noel Ostrosky Noel might be tall, hot and American, but she is in no way your girl next door. Maybe you met her when she was pounding whiskey–cokes downtown or casually modeling.

The worst part about her? A heart of gold to accompany those long legs and cocky smile. During the school year, she's known to give talks about health and the environment. During the summer, she's already become a big party–planner mogul in LA. If this doesn't make you totally hate her, she makes friends easily and casually spends Tuesdays discussing philosophy til 6am.

Most Likely to be the MVP of the GOP: Tiffany Trump Although this young, Cali–raised Trump has been quietly holing herself in the Biomed Library for the past three and a half years, Street is in the know that this ambitious Theta senior has been visiting law schools. And let’s be real, in between Carson’s intellectual schizophrenia and Fiorina’s trademark sneer, MVP of the GOP ain’t gonna be stiff competition for her.

So if her Dad’s soaring numbers say anything, this likely First Daughter will be keeping Pennsylvania in her address repertoire post–graduation. Her pre–Penn chart–topper “Like a bird” might need a Nashville re–jig, but we bank that she’ll revv up her Mom’s southern drawl and poll right through.

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S U P E R L AT I V E S

Most likely to have a Penn building named after her: Naomi Biden Her grandfather might have spoken at Penn in 2013, but this international relations major’s classmates think Naomi will make a much more permanent contribution to campus. The only question—what kind of building? A shrine to her fellow Mortar Boards? A new house for her future Tabard sisters? A deluxe phone–charging station in Huntsman? We’ll have to wait and see what’s next for Naomi.

(Ed note: Naomi didn't answer our calls for a photo, so here is the only photo of her available on Creative Commons.)

Most likely to make out with you at Smokes': Humayra Kabir

Roses are red, violets are blue, down to DFMO? She is too. If there’s one person you’ll run into on your lap around Smokes’, she's Humayra Kabir.

After a long day of slaving away in a Huntsman GSR, this Whartonite knows how to de–stress and have a good time. Make your way over to Smokes’ tonight and you just might be lucky enough to lay your lips on this SWUG like the two gents pictured (who both made out with her at Smokes').

Most likely to #makeit: Aaron Goldstein

Sexiest mofo: Jeremy Cohen and Britt Gates–Kayyem

Aaron has his future planned out: He’ll keep his job as co–founder and CEO of Fever Smart for a year or three, and then retire. He figures he’ll beat Collin Hill, Fever Smart’s other founder, to retirement by at least five years: “30 is the new 65,” he says dryly. At this point, Aaron spends at least 40 hours a week on his startup, but it’s paying dividends: After winning the 2015 Wharton Business Plan Competition, he got to meet Barbara Corcoran from Shark Tank. He's also extremely tall so he also #madeit over all the other Penn males.

Jeremy is known for his topless photos, resemblance to Novak Djokovic and luscious eyelashes. If you don’t see this SAE hunk in Huntsman, you can catch him getting his Pottruck smoothie card stamped. Jeremy is known for making pancakes on Sunday for his roommates wearing only an apron. Upon request, he will bathe in maple syrup. We hope he pours some syrup on us before he graduates.

Most Likely to Wear Greek Letters After Graduation: Chris Gabos: This OAX–approved BMOC is an Italian Catholic, so everyone already knows that "Chris Gabos" is practically synonymous with "ZBT Apparel."

But as a member of Omega (aka the Greekest Greeks on campus), it’s no wonder he’s proud to rep his letters. You’ve probably seen him in his Omega sweatshirt and ZBT hat, but it might surprise you to know that the hat is his only piece of ZBT apparel. Not to worry—he plans to “diversify his portfolio” of ZBT gear when he enters the “fih– nance” world and meets all those ZBT alums at BlackRock next year.

He already knows that wearing letters in the real world is a clear signal to the public that you used to be the man, so this award is well deserved.

Britt is an OAX hottie who looks great with long or short hair and in whatever outfit she wants. Although Britt "doesn't understand why she won this superlative," she reasons that she "got it from her mama."

In high school, boys only came to Britt's yard for her mom. So how did this visual studies major earn her sexiest mofo status? Well, she runs to stay fit, but really it's "body by grass." Hey Britt, if you ever want to get fit with us, we're down (unless it involves actual running).

Class Clown: Penny Deans It takes a special kind of person to have "being from Canada" not even make the top five reasons why she's funny. If you haven't met Penny, chances are your abs haven't burned with searing pain from laughing too hard at the shenanigans this MGMT100 TA, Benjamin Franklin Scholar and OAX BMOC host gets herself into. Like the time she woke up with a trashcan taped to her ceiling. Don't ask.

Cutest Couple: Myles Wolfe and David Conboy Love can be so near and yet so far. Penn’s cutest couple met when they were both studying abroad in Shanghai during their junior year. As they became friends, this pair bonded over their love of 30 Rock and Myles first asked David out by suggesting they watch the show together sometime. After a successful first date, the rest was history, and they’ve been together ever since. When they’re not traveling the world together, this power couple enjoys quiet weekends at Penn—sleeping in, Netflix, indulgent CVS trips and Chinese takeout. We can’t get over how cute and in love they are.

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S U P E R L AT I V E S

Most likely to retire before age 30: Collin McKinney

Person You Wish You Knew: Kate Moelis:

When asked why he deserved this award, Collin responded: "Thirty? I plan to retired before 25.” Collin never does anything while doing everything.

How will Collin make his fortune? Maybe apps, or maybe he’ll start renting out his house to James Bond villains. Whenever he does retire, we have a few ideas post-retirement ideas for him. We suspect that Collin will move to Monte Carlo to pursue Russian oligarchy and linen shirts. Or maybe Collin will join a Turkish basketball league due to his freakish height. Or maybe Collin will be a facial hair consultant. Whatever he does, we look forward to enjoying vicariously as we live as corporate slaves.

Despite transferring from Lehigh sophomore year, Kate—KateMo to her closest friends—is one of the most seen people on campus. She’s always up for any adventure: from visiting the Philadelphia Zoo on the weekends to running on the Schuylkill to hitting Union Transfer on a Wednesday for an Odesza concert. And she can even count Kenn Kweder among her close, personal friends.

Whether she’s escorting her grandparents around a frat party, heely–ing down Locust or participating in the Urban Nutrition Initiative, she’s always bringing some excitement to any situation. She’s simply the beSDT.

Best House: The 2

Most likely to have been voted “Most Likely to Succeed”: Jane Meyer

What do you get when you mix SAE "daddies" (Ed. note: They requested to be called daddies…alright boys.), SDT ladies and a location in the heart of the scene and a block from Smokes’? "The 2," West Philly's premiere location for challah bread and spilled Natty. With their open door policy, delicious kitchen, chefs that rival Stephen Starr and music playlists that would put Rumor to shame, this house—with some members who’ve lived together since freshmen year—is always ready with a pre– or post–game turn up. Make sure to ask for a cup of Vitamin T when you stop by, and never feel bad about being too loud for the juniors on the third floor.

Regardless of how often Campus Apartments fails to fix the heat, just know it's always hot up in The 2.

Most likely to post an inflammatory Facebook status: Roderick Cook

Rod is a master of throwing #shade where #shade is due. Whether advocating trans rights, bringing down the patriarchy or speaking out on pressing social problems, Rod is there to school you like it’s their job.

Insightful and often funny, they say the things you wish you had the guts to tell your mildly creepy uncle who brings up politics at Thanksgiving dinner.

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Biggest freshman facebook friender: Sara–Paige Silvestro You've all seen her name. You all know what her profile picture was four years ago. If you haven't met this bubbly CityStep queen and Urban Studies major by now, you're missing out.

There's a reason she basically won friendliest person on campus: She'll go out of her way to do something nice for anyone, has all the qualities of a Jewish grandmother (minus the guilting, plus some cannolis) and she always has a smile on her face.

Turns out Jane was actually voted "Most Likely to be the Next Bill Gates" and "Most Likely to be the President of the United States" in high school…so we weren't too far off. When Jane isn't leading the student body as President of the Undergraduate Assembly, she's interning for the White House while simultaneously preparing it for the next administration…. #ReadyforHillary? Try #ReadyForJane!

MUSIC

BEHIND THE DECK WITH PENN DJs Meet the DJs curating the music you embarrassingly danced to last (and every) weekend. a musician and I would perform for his band during breaks.

NATE SENA (WHARTON '18)

Street: What advice would you give to someone trying to put together some songs for a party?

NS: Coordinate your music to be most up– tempo at the height of the party. Shuffle rarely works best unless all the songs are of similar energy.

Street: How did you start DJing?

Nate Sena: I bought a DJ controller from Guitar Center and practiced Street: Song or genre in my garage. My dad is you'll never be down

to play?

NS: “In the Arms of an Angel,” by Sarah McLachlan.

Street: Favorite experience DJing?

NS: I DJed a Navy Seal Party for the first and second anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s Assassination in San Diego. It was sponsored by Trojan and pretty cool.

Street: Describe your DJ style in three words.

NS: Diverse, uptempo, dance-y.

SIMON BENIGERI (SAS '15) Street: How did you start DJing?

Simon Benigeri: I started DJing second semester freshman year.

I bought some cheap

plastic decks, started practicing around my room and got really into it. I guess what kept me going was always looking to find new music, starting to hear these new artists and seeing what they had. There’s an endless list of good music out there.

Street: What advice would you give to someone putting together music for a party?

SB: Don’t come up with

NAZIH BASSAT (SEAS '18) you give to someone trying to Street: Describe your DJing Street: How did you start DJing?

Nazih Bassat: I started producing music over the summer and realized that it could be cool to DJ as well.

Street: What advice would

with high hopes. Still hoping—follow me on Soundcloud!

MATT KREPS (SAS '18)

Street: What advice would you give to someone trying to put together some songs for a party?

MK: Play any genre too much or too little and people will come bitching, so definitely learn how to politely tell people to shut the fuck up.

put together some songs for a party?

NB: It really depends on the type of party that is going on.

Analyze the theme of the party and the type of people coming, then try to sit down and come up with a general genre of songs to play.

out of control. When we finally shut it down, the laptop we used probably had a higher BAC than most of the people there.

Street: Describe your dj style in three words.

MK: Go one deeper.

Street: Where would we find you DJing?

Street: How did you start MK: The heavyweight rowDJing? ing training room, ground Matt Kreps: Early in high floor of Van Pelt, Ramen Bar school my brother force–fed bathroom or over the campus Street: Favorite experiencing me very hard and obscure DJing? emergency loudspeakers (alEDM on a daily basis. After MK: Going back to back to ways looking for that aux). about six months of pounding my head against the wall, back with my friends Richard and Torin at late nights. One I embraced it and started to enjoy it. I finally hit the decks of the more recent ones got JOHANNA MATT–NAVARO

style in three words.

NB: Different vibe works.

Street: Where would we find you DJing?

NB: Mostly in the basement of 4k11 Pine Street when Castle throws late nights.

a pre–set list of songs to play. You have to know your music very well, give yourself room to take people someplace else and have a good ear so you can mix them together at the right moment. Whatever you do should help with the flow of your mix to build a groove or atmosphere.

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FOOD & DRINK

DINING HALL SUPERLATIVES 1920 COMMONS:

Most likely to leave with three cups of marshmallows and lots of regrets.

What does your dining hall say about you? You are what you eat…#judgingyou.

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Best place to spontaneously become a cracklin’ oat bran.

Most likely to stress eat a cinnamon roll one Sunday and then proceed to get one every time you enter VP (They'll warm them up.

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Most likely to get sick after impulsively buying the seaweed salad.

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Best place to go if you're considering entering the cult if veganism. But seriously, there are always so many vegans there.

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Most likely to swoon over the mochas (and the baristas). I’ve tried them all, so don’t question me.

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Most likely to get yelled at for getting two sides instead of a side and an entrée….

Most likely to see the kid you hooked up with last weekend at the table next to you.

H E A LT H

IN CELEBRATION OF DOING

SOMETHING BESIDES

FINANCE DINA ZARET

There are more ways to change the world than entering functions into Excel spreadsheets.

Another entrepreneur drops out to pursue her new app where you write what kind of food you're in the mood for and it matches you with other people on campus who also want to eat that food (okay, I'd probably download that), and she makes it on the front page of the DP. I think we're all a little sick of celebrating these accomplishments, so for our yearbook issue we focused on some smarty–pants seniors working to make the world a better and healthier place to live. Long hours in the lab or volunteering should be just as newsworthy, and today we're acknowledging that.

Ariel Shaulson

Dan Kraft

This girl's in chemical engineering and Wharton and still manages to find time to save the world. But yes, Netflix, we do want to continue watching, thank you. "I never thought I would be traveling to Guatemala during the summer to build latrines, but Penn Engineers Without Borders let me do just that. We travel to developing communities to implement sustainable engineering projects such as water systems and latrines and help teach sanitation to these communities. On campus we go to local schools to teach science and develop our own engineering designs. The club has given back to communities around the world."

Dan works in Saar Gill’s lab on chimeric antigen receptor T cells, or CART. If you’re like me and thought a chimera was something from Harry Potter, here’s some info: “We take immune cells out of the patient, infect the cells with a virus that allows them to produce a protein that recognizes the tumor and reintroduce them back into the patient. Then, using this new 'chimeric' protein, they are able to recognize the cancerous cells as 'non–self' and they kill the cancer.”

These interviews have been condensed, for the full responses see 34st.com

Perry Goffner While many Health and Societies majors get sucked into the dark realm of consulting, Perry’s actually tryna make a change in this world: “I’m interested in the intersection of healthcare with ethics, law and policy. This past summer, I worked for the Presidential Commission for the Study of Bioethical Issues—an advisory panel of the nation’s leaders in medicine, science, ethics, religion, law and engineering (Ed. Note: Amy Gutmann runs this!). I conducted research for upcoming reports, helped prepare morning press briefings and worked on a project to analyze the impact of international bioethics institutions. As a student– researcher I conduct independent research in which I try to figure out if doctors at the turn of the twentieth century had the kind of political influence that Ben Carson seems to have.”

Devon Hitt Devon spent her summers working in the division of neuropathology at Johns Hopkins, which, it turns out, is more relevant to your Sunday afternoons than you’d think: “It’s essentially a division that researches diseases that affect your brain. I worked on a research study that tried to figure out why only some people develop a certain kind of brain disorder after experiencing multiple concussions. Our findings showed that certain genes make people (but actually mice, because those were our test subjects) predisposed to these disorders. I found the research really interesting but also particularly relevant given the player lawsuit being filed against the NFL for withholding information about the danger of concussions.”

Tara Lorimer Tara does research in the trendy up–and–coming field of epigenetics (think about identical twins with the same DNA but also have differences): “Basically, it turns out that the central dogma of biology (DNA —> RNA —> protein) is a bit of an oversimplification—protein expression is actually affected and modified by external factors, not just your genome. Better understanding these epigenetic modifications has important implications for the development of drug targets in cancers and viral infections, and also gives an insight into the whole nature versus nurture debate. Right now I’m working on quantifying the rate of acetylation on non–histone proteins." (Ed. note: Don’t worry, I took biochem and barely understood that.)

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Chris Gajewski Along with lab–bench research like every other pre–med, Chris is also out there inspiring kids to find their passion for medicine: "The Cardiology Pipeline program is a great way to give Penn students a chance to actually make a difference or be a leader in a local West Philadelphia high school. Volunteers get to learn about cardiology from current Penn Med students and then work as a teacher to educate high school juniors.

The program takes place from the end of September to mid–November, with an option to continue working in the spring and is a great way for anyone interested in medicine or education to get hands–on experience."

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ARTS

Or does art imitate Penn? Let us know.

Bartender Edouard Manet (1882)

We recreated some of the most iconic period pieces. It's like your yearbook portrait if it were to stand the test of time—equally awkward and even more staged.

A Bar at Smokes' / A Bar at the Folies–Bergère Both sinking and swimming.

Jose Toro ('18)

Edvard Munch (1893) The Scream / The Scream How many jobs have you applied to on PennLink so far? It’s ok, we’re also screaming.

Breanna Porter ('18) Titian (1538)

The Venus of Bankers / The Venus of Urbino

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Alexander Mintz ('18) & Marielle Miller ('18) Grant Wood (1930)

Wharton Gothic/American Gothic

Venus also drank out of plastic bottles.

A riveting social commentary on the controversial Starbucks cup.

ARTS

A CLASS TRIP OUTSIDE OF THE PENN BUBBLE The "Mural Arts" class' opening of "Building Brotherhood" was about more than just the art.

I walked just a few feet past the restaurant I BYOed at this weekend to get to the location of my "class trip."

Just beyond what many would call the Penn bubble, my "Mural Arts" class met at 4008 Chestnut for the dedication of a brand new mural, "Building Brotherhood: Engaging Males of Color."

The piece is the Mural Arts and the City’s Department of Behavioral Health and Intellectual disAbility Services' response to President Obama’s nationwide challenge to different cities to improve the odds of success for boys and men of color.

I rounded the corner and the mural came into sight: Brilliant colors and intricate overlays of images, words and symbols overwhelmed my senses and stirred my emotions.

In class we’ve learned about the two major principles of public art: The process of creating it and how the art itself engages its space. Artists Willis Humphrey and Keir Jonston are more than just designers or painters. They are storytellers, weaving together the narratives courageously shared by hundreds of men of color in Philadelphia.

During the design process, they make this into one col-

laborative piece of art. The mural is striking, but it's in the process of creation itself and in the collective expression of shared triumphs and tragedies that the artistic value lies and a community is constructed.

A piece of public art does not exist independently of the space it inhabits. The mural’s proximity to Penn’s campus confronts Penn students with a visual manifestation of the struggles men of color in the greater Philadelphia community face. “I think this mural is a call to action for Penn students that our city is made up of a lot of people, many of whom do not look like us, and their voice deserves to be heard.

A mural like this is about changing systems,” says Jane Golden, Executive Director of the Mural Arts program and Penn professor in the Fine Arts department.

Building Brotherhood demonstrates how Philadelphia embraces art as a driving force to change these systems in which men and boys of color face issues gaining access to education, jobs and behavioral health services due to stereotypes and stigma. As Arthur Evans, Commissioner of the Philadelphia’s Department of Behavioral Health and Intel-

lectual disAbility Service said in his speech, “Many of the issues we deal with require us to have conversations and engage with the community, and we have found no more powerful way to do that than through art.”

As I stood, steps away from my favorite GrubHub locations and go–to dry cleaner, I felt both miles away and rooted in my location, mesmerized and stirred by the beauty I found on a class trip to Chestnut Street.

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N O V E M B E R 1 9 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

SHOUTOUTS

cute or I have caffeine goggles, but either way I love you.

To the cute guy who lives a few floors above me: I don't even care that you hooked up with my sister.

To everyone who went abroad this semester: I can't wait to see how much weight you've gained from all the local cuisine you Snapstoried.

To everyone: Here they are.

To the Theos boy that likes to lick my butthole: Is this also how you clean your Audi rims?

To the boy I was hooking up with: We've had sex three times but I STILL can't recognize your face in VP, and I don't know who that's more embarrassTo uncircumsised Europeans: I wish only ing for. one of your heads wore scarves.

To the boy in Zete who asked me not To the kid with the to tell anyone he salami in my French was bad in bed: I class: Put that away, it told. is the morning.

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To the guy who dumped me on Locust in the middle of a Mask & Wig protest: The protest lasted longer than you ever did.

To the Castle arsonist: Next time can you please burn a building that my classes are in.

To the guy I made eye contact with while picking my nose in Fisher: Don't worry; I got it.

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To the girl who eats straight out of a frosting can in the Huntsman Forum: You are doing life right.

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2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 1 9 , 2 01 5

To the 24–year–old who introduced me to bondage: You're still on campus; who's really tied down here?

To the grey hair I just found: Thanks for reminding me we're all just slowly creeping towards death.

To Hummus: Your free pickles and olives are my cocaine.

To the boy who lit the fire in the Castle closet: Thanks for helping us all understand there was no one hiding in there. I guess this ends our game of European or gay?

To my NSO BEST FRIENDS EVER!!: I can't fucking stand you. To kale: You taste horI watch your snap stories rible. out of courtesy.

To the apes sophomore who sent an To the guy who apology email to my came to visit me sorority listserv: ΣΔΤ while studying a dick. abroad: 4,000 miles

wasn't enough distance for you to get the mesTo the girl who punched a guy in his sage? crotch with boxing To SigEp: I will fuck as gloves on Hallowmany of you as I need een: You've got balls. to in order to steal your dog.

To the judgmental nurses in SHS: Do To the WilCaf barisyou really need to know how much I drink and ta on Wednesday how often I fuck to figure mornings: I can't tell out I have a sinus infecif I actually think you're tion?

To the bathroom on the 6th floor of VP: Thanks for creating the most welcoming and ideal pooping environment.

To my closeted roommate: It's alright, it's okay, we all know you fucked a guy the other day.

SHOUTOUTS

To the Cornell guy I made out with at Oktoberfest: Does puking in your mouth count if I don't remember it?

To the blonde Tridelt senior who puked in my shoe: You puked in my shoe.

To that basic bitch on 2nd floor Riepe: Tuesday at 2pm is a bad time to get crossfaded.

(Ed. note: We disagree.)

To the guy at the DP who told me we should have sex over FB chat: What are you waiting for?

To my roommate: Thank you for letting me hook up with a complete stranger in your bed because I was too blackout to find mine. Way to take one for the team.

To the boy I awkwardly made eye contact with on 6th floor VP: I was just zoning out, not judging you for doing coke off the table.

To the girls on campus that rock black and shine gold: Glad you thot theta :).

To that girl complaining about how stressful OCR is: I know the closest you've been to an info session is the omelette line at Bridge. Calm down.

To the guy who hangs out in his first–floor room on Chancellor naked with the shades open: I see you.

To the non–sensical Tridelt in my creative writing class: Your name is a hashtag in my group chat

To my stoner hookTo SAE: You were cute up from last semester's PoliSci class: until you started trying harder than will.i.am at I stopped booty texting when I found out you any concert, ever. were libertarian.

To my professor: To the boy whose When you slip on your foreskin I bit: Sorry, I Crocs every morning, does the impending day thought that was part of foreplay. of sheer comfort ever overwhelm you?

To the boy who did To the one they call a line of coke off of my penis: You unforneedledick: Yeah, I lied about stopping after tunately look like a coke you graduated. Also, you whore. have a needledick.

To the freshman girl To the Wharton kid I made out with: I'm 100% homosexual. who calls the rest of the recitation "my To my Uber drivers: colleagues": Your Thanks for driving me to colleagues think you DRL every Tuesday and should do less.

Thursday.

To the guy obsessed with LL Bean: You are To the sorority bitches in my comm my role model. class: Take off your stack of Cartier braceTo the seemingly middle aged woman lets when you type, it's so FUCKING LOUD. in my comm class: Stop bottom shaming me through your pointed To that boy who wears all Lulu to questions. the gym: Stop talking about it! You're hot To the Chipotle door: One day, you will though. (Ed note: Sorry, I’ll keep it on the DL next open on my first try. time).

To the gay boy who complained about a To Theos boys who guy's dick being too wear "joggers": You small: News flash, you don't look trendy, you also have a micropenis. look like you took a fucking dump in your pants.

To all the closeted senior guys: College is the time to experiment, and I am here for you.

To the bitch who cut in front of me in line at Mark's Cafe: I would've told you about the toilet paper stuck to your shoe, but it seemed like justice.

To the Swedes of Penn: Why aren't you To last night's hotter? You're supposed DFMO: What gives you to be hotter. the right to sit next to me in Frontera?

To seniors who think they're impres- To the boy in Theos sive for graduating who said we should a semester early: talk again soon: Does Congratulations on suf- venmo charging you for fering through the living half of my Plan B count? world sector earlier than you had to.

To the abroad boyfriend who I told all To Kate the waxer my home friends at Adolf Biecker and actually existed: You Andy Laundry: You have three weeks to should write the Round save me from being a Up considering you know liar. more campus gossip than highbrow can ever To the bitch who ate hope to know. (Ed. note: my cereal: That was Staff applications are dog food. coming out soon.)

To the girls with Shoutout to no abroad blogs: Drinkshave November: For ing a beer in a pub giving NJBs the chance doesn’t make you culto feel like men for 30 tured, only fat. glorious days.

To the sociology To the Asian guy professor with the who cried freshman great body: If you year about only get- didn't wear tight pants ting BJs: I hope you've every morning, I wouldn't found better ways to be at your 10am. cope.

To Wayne Gretzky: To my roommates You said I miss 100% of who started sleepthe shots I don't take, ing together this and now I'm an alcoyear: You're redefining holic. the meaning of sisterhood.

N O V E M B E R 1 9 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 1

SHOUTOUTS

To the British exchange student who dressed up as Dracula for Halloween: I vant to suck your cahck.

To that Phi guy: Thanks for the rose, but I still think you should have told me your sperm was visibly in my hair all night.

To the girl who thought I would ruin her Uber rating by drunkenly yelling at the driver to turn off his sad classical music: Yeah, sorry :/.

To the job application that asked me what my greatest accomplishment was: Does going to the gym last month count?

To my ex with the weird snaky penis: You really know how to slither all over me… my roommate…and my other roommate.

To the long–haired WilCaf man: Hands down hottest sex I've had at Penn. Can I come into your house one more time?

To the JAP who wears both an Apple watch and a Cartier watch: I hope Siri has helped you learn how to read an analog clock.

To the HUP doctor who told me I'm on a bad trajectory in life: I'm sorry that you

ing up in the Quad: To the hot senior The fire was as warm as boy from Hong Kong: Dig deep enough you are. into my hole and we can To the British guy in end up back in China.

Castle I hooked up with last year: Sorry To the Beta senior for not showing you the who now ignores secret to my Christmas me: I'm not sure which is uglier: your personalPuddings. ity or your O–face.

To the cute redhead To the St. A's boy in my chem class: I Sulfur when you Argon. whose clean laundry I once peed on (Seriously though, why do you skip class every while blackout: Sorry, but don't leave your Friday?) hamper of whites next Shoutout to the Ivy to the bathroom at a frat party.

League Snapchat story: For being a betTo the guy at CVS ter matchmaker than on 40th Street who J–Swipe. always asks if I've To the freshman boy To the football play- To all of Pi Lam: "found everything who bragged about er with a cat named PLEASE go to church. alright": I'm buying being in Wharton: tampons and Cheez–Its. Timone: I respect you.

You are not the only perI think I'm good.

To the junior girl son I know in Wharton To the guys in who's a total narcisMARS: I'm shouting sist: I'm glad you have To the hot Swedish To Iztaccihuatl: blonde boy I see in "YES!" so much fun watching Please lift the restrainfirst floor Huntsman yourself dance in the ing order. I'm sorry.

To the WilCaf Baris- mirror when you're out; study lounge multitas: Is it just me, or is must be nice to have ple times a day: Have To the fuq buddy there something brewa dance partner who's my children. And me. I who stole my ing between us? always in sync with you. love you.

Keurig: …Why? To the Theos senior To my housemate To my orgo profesTo the boys on 40th who told me he was whose period blood sor: Congrats! You've and Sansom streets: "worth the chase": I dripped on her fucked me the hardest.

I'm sorry I hid ten galalready went on a run carpet one mornlon–sized Ziploc bags of today. ing: Pollock would have To the guy I hooked tap water all over your applauded your drip up with on my birthhouse. Five found, five To the girl who eats painting. day and the jar of to go, bitches. parfaits ten times a Nutella I ate afterday: Are you cultured To Owls: Your spirit wards: Why did you To the Uber driver enough yet? animal is Antonio from have to finish so quickthat gave me a one ly?

Despicable Me 2. star review: I had a To the guy who five star orgasm in the turned on his fireTo the 132: Your backseat ;). place application optimism is cute. while we were hookTo the bouncer who told me if I didn't want a leak I shouldn't have put To my Phi Delt hook vodka in my crotch: up: I just stayed beYou are a wise man. cause there was a dog.

To Qdoba: You is kind, To the guy I bled you is smart and you is on this summer: I'm better than Chipotle. sorry I bled on you, and I'm even sorrier that I To Renea, the ran into that dude from KCECH security my French class in the worker: Thank you for hallway while naked and always complimenting drunk and bloody. me on my date night outfits. You are sweeter To the SAE sophothan the guys I go out more who is always with. white girl wasted: You licked my ear at a To my bf: I'm sorry for downtown, and I haven't the shitty handjob last washed it since. week.

had to clean up my burrito puke at 6am. But also, fuck you.

2 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 1 9 , 2 01 5

WORST SHOUTOUTS

THE

Ugh, guys.

OF SHOUTOUTS

Weird as shit: I was going down on this chick when I noticed the taste of horse semen. I thought, "Oh grandma, so that's how you died!"

To the graduate who came back for Homecoming and looks like a sexy Jesus: Let's conduct a Communion; I'm more than ready for the body and blood of Christ.

To the hot dude who ate Chinese food in the second floor study lounge of Huntsman: Next time, you're welcome to lick some sweet and

You wrote too much: To that one group of senior girls: You really wowed us with the Frackit, best of luck with your future business endeavors! T God for your thorough social media presences that will allow us to keep up next year when you're ROFLing all over the world!

I feel like I won't be able to find a relationship here because people can't commit because there's so many things going on in their lives. People are so busy and life is too fast paced for a relationship and I feel like I'm never going to be able to find someone to slow down with me and just enjoy college.

sour sauce off of my pussy.

To the lady gang of tall OAX girls with great style: You know who you are. I admire you from afar. Babes. Just babes!

To Hillel: Y u no open past 11?

Shoutout to the Orwellian revivalist and frat bro in United by Blue who suggested, "Let's only talk in newspeak."

To my big: Thanks for letting me puke in your toilet and sleep in your bed even though we have different genders.

To the unspoken darty heroes, pulling trig when most are merely pulling themselves out of bed: Let us forge on, never giving up, never passing out, ignoring every plea from our feeble, bankers–soaked bodies to surrender.

We will be victorious. And when we fall sloppily into the Allegro booth, we will order non–pizza entrees at our leisure.

Because we earned it.

Shoutout to the tall, awkward Asian kid who, half an hour late, trips past an entire row of people to get to a seat in the front and then proceeds to spend the entire lecture (poorly) drawing creatures made of dicks.

Just Stop: To my ex: I hope it rains every day in Seattle. But, like, have fun!!!

To Harvest late night: You can keep the Long Islands. And my dignity.

To everyone on Locust Walk: No. To chestnut praline latte: You are Christmas in a mug.

To shoutout eds: I got nothing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

You're Punning Too Hard: To my Dad: Nobody at Pun likes me because I took all of your jokes.

To my Geology TA: Recitation is more fun now that I've ROCKED YOUR WORLD. Get it? CAUSE ROCKS.

Too many feelings: Shoutout to SDT: I know this is way too genuine and sappy to actually be in 34th Street, but I still felt the need to say that you girls make me proud to be your sister every day.

To my old best friend: I'm sorry you think I broke your heart, but you broke mine too. Thanks for disowning me. Xoxo & grow up.

To the gemini betch that ripped out my soul: Fuq u.

We were really good friends and then we had sex on halloween. I'm worried about you, though, come back into my life!!!

To my current hookup: WHAT ARE WE?? I don't want to bring it up in person, so I was hoping you could lmk via this Shoutout, thanks.

N O V E M B E R 1 9 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 3

SHOUTOUTS

SHOUTOUTS:

To the football guys in 208, 210 and 203: Sorry I egged your houses, but you guys are douches.

To Theos boys who wear "joggers": You don't look trendy, you look like you took a fucking dump in your pants.

To my cleaning lady: Thank you for putting all of my roommate's scattered weed into a plastic baggie and tucking it away with our other herbs and spices. It's the little things.

2 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 1 9 , 2 01 5

To the boy who slurped his arugula: Your salad should never be that heavily tossed and slurping lettuce is criminal.

To that boy in Fiji who doesn't understand why I stopped speaking to him: YOU CAME ON MY FACE.

Shoutout to no shave November: For giving NJBs the chance to feel like men for 30 glorious days.