December 5, 2013 by 34th Street Magazine

DECEMBER 5, 2013 34ST.COM

JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE JOKE ISSUE

december 5 2013

4 EGO

Ego of the week, McFitness, McFlirts

LOL

7 MUSIC

McBeats, Hidden Gem, McDonald's soundtrack

10 FEATURE

Admissions Brochure: McDonald's

12 FILM & TV

B-Roll, TV Review: McDonald's vs Taco Bell, Commercial Review

14 FOOD & DRINK

McDonald's Calorie Infographic, Secret Menu, Drink of the Week

16 ARTS LOL

LOL

Contropposto, Campus Gem, DIY

18 LOWBROW

Blind Date, McDonald's crime report

20 BACKPAGE

Instagram Essay: McDonald's

Street is crushing. Crushing HARD. ON U. THE 128 THE 129 THE 130 PETE HESS ANTHONY DECURTIS FRAN CALLOWAY CVS BRUCE MITCH FOGELSON REBECCA STEIN MARRAKESH EXPRESS THE HOSENLINEAGE GLENN SHRUM AL FILREIS NIKILA DANDAPANI THE KID WHO GOT ARRESTED AT COMMONS W.O.F. THE BUI FAMILY NATALIE WEISS SOLOMON BASS ANNA ROSENFELD MATTHEW GOULD SUSHANT BHARDWA KIMBERLY LU LIZZY WEINGOLD CASEY QUACKENBUSH CONOR COOK

ELIE SOKOLOFF ROSA ESCANDON RACHEL ZURIER MOLLY COLLETT CAROLYN GRACE JORDAN RODNIZKI ABBY GRAHAM ALINA GRABOWSKI JILLIAN DIFILIPPO SOFIA DEMOPOLOUS TRAVIS MAGER MADELINE MCCALLUM JOHNATHAN WILSON YUQI ZHU JACK LAVIOLETTE SYDNEY WERBER MARK PARASKEVAS BETHANY CHRISTY MARY CATE MUSCHETT MICHAEL SCOGNAMIGLIO EMILY GRABLUTZ LUCY HOVANISYAN TONY MEI NOAH SHPAK MICHAEL GU CAROLINE QUIGLEY CAROLINE MARQUES

CAROLINE KEE JAMES SHEPLOCK ISABELLA AUCHUS GABBY ABRAMOWTIZ DAN MAHER CLARE LOMBARDO MARCO HERNDON HALLIE BROOKMAN JORDAN HUGHES KAT MCKAY PAUL DINAPOLI NATHAN WEINBREN DANIEL SIEGEL ANDREW SCIBELLI OLIVIA RUTIGLIANO KATHERINE HARTMAN JUSTIN SHEEN MARIE NIKOLOVA EMILY JOHNS GIULIA IMHOLTE KATIE ANTONNSON MORGAN PEARLMAN ALYSSA BERLI NAOMI SHAVIN BYRNE FAHEY

SMOKEY JOE'S. 6:30 PM 2NITE. DRINKS ON US. 34TH STREET MAGAZINE Nina Wolpow, Editor–in–Chief Sam Brodey, Managing Editor Alex Hosenball, Online Managing Editor Chloe Bower, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor Olivia Fingerhood, Assistant Design Margot Halpern, Assistant Design Zacchiaus McKee, Highbrow Alex Sternlicht, Highbrow Faryn Pearl, Ego Mariam Mahbob, Ego Marley Coyne, Food & Drink 2

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Ryan Zahalka, Food & Drink Michelle Ma, Film & TV Michael Shostek, Film & TV Isabel Oliveres, Features Patrick Ford-Matz, Features Ariela Osuna, Music Cassandra Kyriazis, Music Gina DeCagna, Arts Madeleine Wattenbarger, Arts Zach Tomasavic, Lowbrow Michael Kandel, Lowbrow Gabe Morales, Print Copy Randi Kramer, Print Copy

Emma Soren, Online Copy Emily Marcus, Online Copy Patrick Del Valle, Social Media Editor COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern BACKPAGE DESIGN: Byrne Fahey Contributors: Byrne Fahey, Molly Collett, Casey Quackenbush, Katherine Hartman, Paul Dinapoli, Kat McKay, Justin Sheen

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Nina Wolpow, Editor–in–Chief, at wolpow@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "Mormons invented fry sauce. They don't drink or have sex, so what else are they gonna do?" ©2013 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

OPEN

LETTER

My Dearest, Dirtiest McDonald’s, I’m young, broke, hungry and most likely drunk, so what do I do? I go to you, McDonald’s, my eternally filthy mistress. Nothing is better than your cheap thrills and most tender tenders. And by that, I mean your Dollar Menu. What’s better than the Dollar Menu? World peace? Getting an “A” in an upper level chem class? Food

that isn’t actually made of a mix of Styrofoam and lard? No, none of those things, because the Dollar Menu is the best thing ever. It’s your menu's superstar, for both its many contributions to the world and its MVP (Most Valuable Platter) status. Or, at least, it was. This hamburger season, you introduced the “Dollar Menu and More,” otherwise known as the regular menu at all other fast food restaurants ever. With this, you murdered our love child. “The Dollar Menu and More” has many of the things that were once on the Holy Dollar Menu, but they're lost in a sea of supposed “discounted items” that are no damn different from the rest of the menu. Do you think I’m a dumbass, my sweetly exploitative lover? I see right through you. When googling “Dollar Menu

and More,” the first hit links to your homepage. Instead of linking directly to the “Dollar Menu and More,” clicking only brings me to your entire fucking menu. Everything. I literally cannot access the “Dollar Menu and More” from your website, because— surprise—everything on your menu is a dollar or more. You are drowning in semantics here, McD’s. Let’s take a quick look at some of the items on this so–called value menu. One is a side salad. Yes, a side salad. I feel betrayed. A side salad is not something I want at McDonald’s ever, no matter what price it is. I will not settle for being something on the “side.” Or here’s another one: “soft baked oatmeal raisin cookies.” Like, that’s cool, but they got rid of the apple pie for this shit, and I’m having none of it. Stop whispering sweet nothings into my ear

and bring back my McOrgasmic Dollar Menu. You know why I go to you, McDonald’s? For drunk, unhealthy, gross goodness. All this talk of salads and non–fried foods makes me nervous. Why do you feel the need to go changing on me? I thought what we had was special, so why all the secrets? I thought we were exclusive. This is the last red and yellow straw. I think I’m going to have to move on to less greasy pastures. You’re losing the parts of you that made you, well, you. I will miss all the times we shared and all the tiny dollar–sized fries that I refused to share with anyone else. I committed. Did you?

THEROUNDUP Ah, don’t you just love the smell of Big Macs in the morning? McDonald’s is more than just the place for your drunken McNugget binge—it’s also a hotbed for all of the seediest Penn gossip. Listen up, McLovers, cause Highbrow’s ready to take you from the deep fryer straight into the belly of the beast. You go to McDonald’s to get your after–party drunchies fix, but little did you know that the party continues after you head out with your McFlurry. You may have thought twerking was only for your mirror and the Whisper dance floor, but one old lady brought the fiesta over to our favorite 40th and ’Nut late night. Apparently, this elderly betch has a thing for twerking in front of the cash register. Don’t worry, granny, nuggets make us go wild too. We only wish Ronald would accept booty–bumping instead of Benjamins. But who needs to pay for their own food when you have chivalrous frat boys to buy it for you? Highbrow hears one AXO girl did just that. The hungry sister found a generous Castle benefactor to fund her late night cravings in a rare show of douchanthropy. But it didn’t stop there. The boy also comped a Big Mac on the same bill for a nearby homeless dude. Who said that chivalry was dead? When asked for whom exactly he was paying, the Castle bro responded, “I’m with these two” pointing to the street urchin and AXO. Guess you can’t say no to an AXO or a hobo. But not everyone is so charitable. Sources tell Highbrow that one exhibitionist Oz boy was merely trying to enjoy a simple meal with his friend in McDonald’s blissful atmosphere. Maybe it was because he wasn’t wearing a shirt, or maybe it was his drunken gaze, but a few fellows found his presence intolerable. Naturally, a fight ensued in which he repeatedly insulted them by calling them

fat, to which they responded by making faces at him. Glad we graduated from the fourth grade… maybe next time they should order a Happy Meal. Not even the delicious, delicious flavor of straight grease could mitigate the disgust one girl felt after blacking in to realize she’d popped her vegetarian cherry. For 15 years, a morsel of meat had never passed her lips. Until one fateful McNight. The now ex–veg woke up to photographic evidence of her scarfing down a McDouble. We’re not even sure if anything at Mickey D’s actually qualifies as meat. If she was craving protein, Miss Cassandra knows a few meatless avenues worth pursuing. Miley Cyrus once prophesized, “everyone in line in the bathroom, tryna get a line in the bathroom.” A few alpine skiiers obviously took Ms. Montana a little too literally at our most McLoved eatery. Supposedly, they indulged in a classic campus pasttime: doing lines of cocaine in the McDonald’s bathroom with a terminally ill elderly woman. We all know you could buy a Coke to get into the bathroom, but we didn’t know you could also buy coke to get into the bathroom. We hope they at least supersized it. In our favorite McDonald’s story of the year, Highbrow’s bringing back a ghost of Round Ups past. Let us refresh your memory: one meat queen was spotted getting a Big Mac devoured off her McTits. As if that wasn’t steamy enough, the lucky diner followed his feast up by sprinkling bacon bits atop her cleavage. We’re seeing some big possibilities here. "Fifty McShades of Grey?" Or maybe "One Night Under the Golden Arches?" Who needs porn when you have McDouble D’s? That’s all bitches. This may be the last Round Up of the semester, but we’re always judging you. You can find us at McDonald’s. Suck our McDicks.

Please McLove me again, Your Dollar Menu Darling

over heard PENN at

McD’s patron: If I died and went to heaven… I would still be here. Drunk girl: Why do they say “eat healthy”? Shouldn’t it be “eat healthily”? Dude coming out of the bathroom: I just went to the bathroom so much. Guy on the phone on Locust: Should I jerk off and then go to McDonald’s or go to McDonald’s and then jerk off? Frat bro: Girls are like McNuggets; you can’t have just one, but if you have too many you’ll probably get sick.

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HIGHBROW

DISPATCH: 50 MCNUGGET CHALLENGE 50 Nuggets. 30 Minutes. Let’s Do This. 5:33 p.m.: Walk to McDonald’s. Is it sad this isn’t my first time here today? 5:34 p.m.: “You want 50?” Did I fucking stutter, bitch? 5:35 p.m.: No, I only want Sweet ‘n Sour sauce. I don’t trifle with Honey Mustard. Oh, and a large Coke. 5:40 p.m.: Sit down at a booth and lay out all the sauces and nuggets. Preparation is half the work. 5:41 p.m.: “Are you really going to eat all these right here?” I’m sure as hell going to try. 5:42 p.m.: Start the timer, here we go. First ten in four minutes, this is a piece of cake. 5:46 p.m.: Reach 14 before I even need to take a sip of my drink. I got this.

5:47 p.m.: I could have probably found someone on Craigslist who’s into watching people eat a lot of food. I could have profited from this. Eh, too late. 5:50 p.m.: Slow down around 21. I lied; preparation is not half the work. Chewing is half the work. Chewing is all the work. 5:59 p.m.: Perpetual dry mouth sets in at number 25. Half of the Coke is gone. 6:03 p.m.: Spit number 28 into the bag. There’s no turning back now. I’ve made a huge mistake. 6:05 p.m.: Open stares from the lady with kids next to me. Stay in school little ones, this could be you in 15 years. 6:08 p.m.: Gag on number 33. Why did I choose this life? Nobody deserves this.

6:09 p.m.: Realize I only have three minutes left. Start double fisting. 6:10 p.m.: Time as a concept has been erased. Everything is gone. There is only nugget. 6:11 p.m.: Number 36 goes into the bag too, half– chewed. Holding back the vomit. 6:12 p.m.: Tap out at 38. I’m going to die here. This is how I die. 6:15 p.m.: Throw up. 6:15 p.m.: Actually. 6:16 p.m.: I’d say this was a new low point in my life, but it’s not the first time I’ve thrown up at McDonald’s. Although it's the first time sober. 6:18 p.m.: Walk home. Feel disgusting. Take a shower. At least I have 12 nuggets left for later.

How can I spice up my sex life? If there’s one question that Miss Cassandra gets over and over, it’s this one. Well, you horny little bastards, this week Cassie is taking a page out of Cosmo and delivering the kink. Here you go, ducklings: • •

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Try spicing it up by having sex where you could easily get caught, like a McDonald’s bathroom. The risk makes the reward all that much sweeter. Sexy role–play is always something that can get you hot and bothered when your love life has been lacking. I suggest starting with some of the standards: Cop and Robber, Sexy Nurse and Dying Cancer Patient, Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar. The possibilities are endless. When giving oral, don’t be afraid to use teeth. Men love teeth. If you can growl like a mad dog, it will make him go especially crazy. Tear it open like a ketchup packet. That’s not fear in his eyes, ladies, he's just intimidated by how sexy you are. Sauces, oh god yes, sauces. Literally no human can resist a good sauce in bed. Drizzle it on anything, and it tastes so, so good coming off. And there are so many choices: spicy buffalo, creamy ranch, chipotle barbeque. One for every day of the week. Sex breakfast. Sexfast. Just as he’s about to cum, make him shoot his icing on some McDonald’s pancakes. Don’t knock it till you try it. Delicious. Just fuck in the middle of McDonald’s.

I have a really big problem, Miss Cassandra; I can’t eat McDonald’s chicken McNuggets without orgasming. I love to eat them but want to eat them in public without scaring people. Help me! Sweetie, you don’t have a problem. It’s everyone else that has the problem. Honestly, I’m worried that other people aren’t having orgasms while eating chicken McNuggets. Have they tasted them? Have they savored their sweet, sweet chicken–y core encrusted with a crispy deep–fried exterior? My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it. And it’s not just the plaque clogging my arteries. You see, Miss Cassandra is a big proponent of doing what makes you feel good, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone. You eat those chicken McNuggets, girl, and you eat them proudly. Go for it—indulge in multiple sauces, as many as you want (as long as you’re being safe). Get yours. Anyone staring is just jealous.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR MISS CASSANDRA? EMAIL IT TO HIGHBROW@34ST.COM OR SUBMIT ANONYMOUSLY USING OUR TUMBLR, ASKMISSCASS.TUMBLR.COM/ASK.

EGO

EGOO OF THE WEEK: JAMESON DIGBY

Jameson Digby is the man behind your 3 a.m. hunger cravings. As manager of our local McDonald’s, he oversees the daily routines of the entire establishment, making sure you get those fries just the way you like them. And yes, statistics show that you probably ordered fries.

Street: How long have you worked at McDonald’s? Jameson Digby: I’ve worked at McDonald’s off and on for a total of seven years. Street: What has your experience been like as store manager? JD: My experience at 40th and Walnut has been a challenging and rewarding one. For the most part it’s

been a very fun, interactive and interesting experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything right now. Street: What is your favorite item on the menu? JD: The new sweet chili wrap because it’s nontraditional, a healthy choice and it’s also delicious. Street: And what’s the most popular item? JD: The fries. They account for 70% of McDonald’s sales. Street: What do you think distinguishes this McDonald’s from other McDonald’s in the area?

JD: The fact that we are located within the center of a culturally diverse neighborhood surrounded by several different universities, hospitals, corporations and privately owned businesses. It makes our restaurant more accustomed to serving and catering to all types of different types of people from all walks of life. Street: What’s been your most memorable experience on the job? JD: There are too many to just pinpoint one. Working at McDonald’s, I’m provided

THE GUIDE YOU NEVER KNEW YOU NEEDED

the opportunity to meet and service many different people every day. My greatest joy is just being able to put a smile on a person’s face for a job well done, and because they appreciate our product. Street: If you could give a Happy Meal to one person, who would it be and why? JD: It would be to a child who has never been to McDonald’s. Maybe that child will become a regular guest as he or she grows up. Street: What’s the key to successfully running a restaurant at Penn?

JD: I believe the key to success is doing my best to provide our guests with a service that I would want for myself. College students are always on the go. Most students want their meals quick, hot and fresh from an establishment that’s clean and friendly. Those are things I also expect when I walk into a McDonald’s. Street: Fill in the blank: There are two kinds of people who go to McDonald’s… JD: The hungry and the loyal.

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Let Ronald McDonald be the wingman beneath your wings. Order these items, and soon your crush will be begging for your Quarter Pounder. FRIES

MCFLURRY

A large fry is the classic romance food: it's big enough to share, and if you get an extra long one you can totally “Lady and the Tramp” it. Plus, the ungodly amount of salt in each batch will just make you extra thirsty for love.

Spill the McFlurry on yourself and start your very own wet t–shirt contest. Only one contestant enters, but you’ll both win. And also smell like milk for the next 24–48 hours.

CHICKEN MCNUGGETS

KID’S MEAL

McNuggets come in four different shapes: “Bone,” “Bell,” “Ball” and “Boot.” The last one, when turned on its side, kinda looks like a malformed heart. Use this to your advantage. Make sure the last nug is a “boot,” so when your McCrush grabs it, you can say “Oh, man, you took my heart.” It’s a good metaphor to drop before they devour it.

These pre–packaged pint sized meals may not satiate your hunger for actual food, but they can certainly satiate your hunger for love. Better yet, each of these babies comes with an instant gift for that special someone. Hope he likes Polly Pockets.

PREMIUM CHICKEN CLUB SANDWICH At $5.19, the Premium Chicken Club is the single most expensive item on the McDonald’s menu—and the most impressive. Throw in a large soda and fries for $2 extra, and ba da ba ba baa: they’re lovin’ you.

Great Deals for

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$3 off

a purchase of $15 or more

$5 off

a purchase of $20 or more

$10 off

a purchase of $30 or more Cannot be combined with other offers. Minimum purchase before tax and gratuity. Dine in only.

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EGO

MCFEEL THE MCBURN

Look, it’s an objective fact that McDonald’s is best at at 3 a.m. Yet—hold on to your socks, ’cause this is going to blow your mind—everything at McDonald's contains calories. As we enter winter break swimsuit season, looking svelte and sexy should be one of everyone’s top priorities. So, Ego’s concocted some fairly inconspicuous exercises that’ll help you keep your figure—all while you wait in line.

BUTTOCK PINCHES Areas targeted: Butt, duh Where You’ll Need to Go: Anywhere and everywhere. It's discreet. Unless you fart. Calories burned: 5-10

PUSHDOWNS Areas Targeted: Triceps, Forearms Where You’ll Need to Go: Ketchup dispensers Calories Burned: 20–35

STANDING CALF RAISES Areas targeted: Calves, Thighs Where You’ll Need to Go: That lattice wall thing Calories burned: 15-25

1. Stand upright with your legs in a neutral position (feet roughly shoulder–width apart), with a slight inclination towards the dispenser. 2. Place upper arm directly next to body, with your palm squarely on the dispenser’s top. 3. Push down on dispenser until forearm is completely perpendicular with the floor. 4. Slowly bring arm back to starting position. 5. Complete four sets of 25 reps. Note: Bring a disposable container or otherwise appropriate tupperware to collect released condiments. Return condiments to register when sets are completed.

1. Grasp that strange lattice wall for support and balance. 2. Slowly raise yourself on your tiptoes, stretching your calf muscles. 3. Lower yourself back down to the flats of your feet, stretching slightly backwards onto your heels. 4. Complete five sets of 12 reps.

1. While standing on the balls of your feet, clench your buttocks together tightly for three seconds. 2. Slowly release and go back to the flats of your feet. 3. Complete four sets of 15 reps.

SQUATS Areas Targeted: Thighs, Butt Where You’ll Need to Go: To an empty booth—the ones by the Happy Meal display work well Calories Burned: 35–55 1. Stand with your feet shoulder– width apart, facing away from the booth.

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BODY PULL–UP Areas Targeted: Pectorals, Triceps and Abs Where You’ll Need to Go: The high seats by the counter Calories Burned: 55-70

2. Bend through your knees and lower your body into a sitting position. Keep your chest upright and push through your heels, not your toes. 3. Let butt lightly tap seat. 4. Slowly return to a standing position. 5. Complete three sets of 12 reps.

1. Sit in one of the high seats, grasping firmly onto the armrests. 2. Tightening your core, lift yourself up from your sitting position, until your body is off the chair. Keep elbows tight and underneath your shoulders. 3. Slowly return to starting position.

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THE REAL 40TH AND WALNUT SOUNDTRACK

MUSIC

HIDDEN GEM

We’ve discovered McD’s best kept secret. “I’m Lovin’ It” —Justin Timberlake

Because who’s even really listening to that soundtrack we detail for you on the next page?

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FRYERS Clank clank clank. After a couple of minutes, the frying pans begin making symphonies at McDonalds. An all–but–guaranteed sound during a McD’s visit. THAT GOD–AWFUL BEEPING SOUND Straight outta Hell, that god damn beeping sound infiltrates your brain and rattles your skull as you await your fries. Studies show it may cause cancer, insanity and infertility. SCREAMING CHILDREN Listen, mommy, I can handle 10 McNuggets, and you better know I’m gonna scream about it to the whole restaurant if you refuse to see things my way. LOUD CHEWER We understand that you are eager to consume your Bacon McDouble, but if you can’t keep your mouth closed while you chew, kindly order your food to–go and GET THE FUCK OUT THE RESTAURANT.

Sounds best when: You’re feeling some sexual prowess as you enter the red–and–yellow playground on 40th and Walnut streets.

McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” jingle is basically synonymous with Big Macs and McFlurrys, but few McD’s patrons know the history of the mantra. Justin Timberlake released “I’m Lovin’ It” under the radar in 2003, and it somehow remains one of his least known songs. As with most of Timberlake’s music, the original single is comprised of a catchy melody and seductive lyrics (“Girl go on and shake your booty”). In true R&B fashion, Timberlake’s symphonic whispering carries sexual undertones. The song is just as mesmerizing as “Rock Your Body” or “LoveStoned,” but it differs in that its success isn’t measured by iTunes downloads. The chorus of the

song, with its “parapapapa” (Ed. note: In the original it has a p) reprise, was adopted for McDonald’s signature “I’m lovin’ it” advertising campaign. JT was compensated with a cool $6 million for the song’s rights. Although, following the 2004 Janet Jackson nipple scandal, McDonald’s immediately distanced Timberlake from the jingle to maintain their family–friendly image. The tune is now nothing short of a worldwide marketing phenomenon. The chorus is taken out of its bed–rocking context, but still contains all the seduction of a McNugget whispering, “I know that you wanna get down” in your ear. ARIELA OSUNA

PENN STUDENT DISCUSSING INTERNSHIP OPTIONS IN LINE It’s still fall semester you say? Oh, Penn Student Discussing Internship Options knows that, but that doesn’t mean he/she isn’t going to continue to list all the cool places his parents’ friends will let him/her work while waiting in line to order his/her McFlurry. CONFUSED CUSTOMER Sorry, what are the different numbers of nuggets I can get? Does the price for the dollar menu include tax? And does that come with fries? Do I have to get a fountain drink, though? What if I got a coffee with that instead? What do you mean breakfast isn’t served after 10:30? It’s 10:33! I WANT A MCGRIDDLE. DRUNK PENN STUDENT Maybe it’s the drunk kid who spilled the coke on the next table, or the confused freshman crying about losing her hall at FIJI or just the blackout vegan society member wondering if it’s okay to eat the fries that touched the nuggets. The Drunk Penn Student comes in many different forms, but what they all have in common is a permanent status at 40th and Walnut streets.

D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 01 3 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

MUSIC

BEATS AT MCD’S

Over a period of 30 minutes, the following tracks were played at McDonald’s on 40th and Walnut streets. The cashier revealed that these lovely tunes were courtesy of “some satellite radio station.” (Tweet @34st if you have a guess—we sure don't) Allow us to break down what we heard.

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“My Girl”—The Temptations Little known fact: This was originally a love song written about Big Macs. Just kidding, but it’s inarguably the highlight of the 40th and Walnut soundtrack sample we’re hearing.

“It Takes Two”—Marvin Gaye & Kim Weston Fucking classic, McDonald’s. Killing it with this one. We may or may not have been dancing and miming the duet going on here. Okay, so maybe we weren’t, but seriously, this song rocks our socks off and if it doesn’t rock yours off as well, then McDonald’s doesn’t want you anyway.

“The Heart of the Matter”—India.Arie R&B singer India.Arie whines—er, sings—about relationships and stuff. Bottom line: It’s a real downer of an R&B song. Where we’re looking for “blah blah take your clothes off,” we get “blah blah doesn’t love me anymore.” Pass.

“Days That Are Over”—Sondre Lerche Deeper confusion settles in as a song off of Norwegian singer–songwriter Sondre Lerche’s second album comes on. Lerche is one of those artists whose entire discography Pitchfork has reviewed, but this particular single falls strictly into the unadventurous indie pop category, and, hot damn, this must be a weird satellite radio station.

“Hello Stranger”—Queen Latifah Suprise! Queen Latifah apparently dropped two jazz standards albums between 2004 and 2007. “Hello Stranger” is a Barbara Lewis cover that came out on the first of these CDs. More importantly, though, as this song comes on at 40th and Walnut streets, a number of patrons proceed to sing along in unison. Still weird, but also completely awesome.

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“Follow that Sound”—Sharon Little Philly–born Sharon Little is signed to CBS records, and her tunes show up all over random episodes of CBS staples like “The Good Wife” and “NCIS.” “Follow That Sound” is just some typical poppy R&B. We’re indifferent towards it. I mean, my Mighty Wings will taste good with almost any soundtrack, right?

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“That’s Life”—Peter Grant Peter Grant is an jazzy–pop– singing Brit who only has 6,000 likes on Facebook. This song isn’t even on Youtube. But maybe that’s because it just sounds like knockoff Sinatra. And we might love it for that reason.

“Selfish One”—Jackie Ross More of a classic Motown feel, lesser known, but nonetheless still good. She’s kind of a one–hit wonder with “Selfish One,” but we don’t hate it.

“This Heart of Mine”—Jason Castro And now we’ve delved into some weird territory with American Idol Season who–gives–a–shit contestant Jason Castro. All we’ve got to say about this song is that it’s almost as stupid as this guy’s dreadlocks.

“A Million Years”—David Gray This is a bonus track off of a David Gray album that is universally regarded as totally mediocre. As such, it’s extra (like bonus, GET IT?) mediocre.

F E AT U R E

40th Street Philadelphia

A restaurant in motion, McDonald’s is ever more dynamic, diverse, affordable, far–reaching and forward looking. Founded by Ronald McDonald to push the frontiers of saltiness, fattiness and sweetness to benefit society, McDonald’s provides—in one restaurant—a liberal fast food foundation across multiple flavor profiles with an opportunity for a practical, value–oriented eating experience. This intellectually flexible and cross–cultural menu is accessible to worthy patrons of all backgrounds who are inspired to create a more saturated–fat–friendly world. We may be the oldest McDonald’s in West Philadelphia, but we feel like we’re just getting started.

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F E AT U R E

Bathrooms

In this urban environment, McDonald's realizes that security is key. Our key–access–only bathrooms are regularly cleaned and quite the student life hotspots at night!

F E AT U R E

CAMPUS MAP

Providing quality entertainment is important to us. Located conveniently in the corner of the store, our brand–new flat–screen TV is always on to supplement your experience.

Student Testimonials

ashamed to admit “ I'mI visitnotMcD's from time

to time and I don't expect fine dining. But this place is bad even by the chain's standards. Also, it smells like poo. There, I said it.

- Katy O.

”

certain enjoyable oddi“ Despite ties - the Coltrane jazz over the

loudspeakers, for instance - this McDonald's location is certainly subpar. As one reviewer stated, it may be in need of a mulligan, or at the very least, an upgrade.

- Clint W.

”

milkshake machine nev“ The er works and it takes forever

I'm giving it four stars be“cause it's never let me down;

I've always stumbled out feeling the same way I felt when I stumbled in: disoriented, drunk off my ass, and, most importantly, HAPPY.

- Sophie U.

”

to get your food. In addition, the restaurant is very dirty and you typically have to pay extra for many condiments (like honey mustard).

- Chris S.

”

Three Menus

Ketchup

Ketchup is an essential component to the McDonald's experience. We're equipped with two, state–of–the–art ketchup dispensers that rarely run out!

11 Burgers 13 Sandwiches 4 Amounts of McNuggets 4 Types of McFlurry 4 Types of Seating

Booth

A key aspect of the McDonald's experience is engaging in meaningful conversations with friends over some McDoubles—often in our clean, comfortable booths!

Terrace

Fall and spring at McDonald's are perfect for sitting outside and enjoying your meal. Our spacious tiled terrace is so lovely, you'll want to eat standing to enjoy the view of scenic Walnut Street! 1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 01 3

Clubs and Mactivities

QuadraMcs SAC Snack Wrap Simply Chicken There's a world of activities SSCCS (Southern Style Crispy at McDonald's. Chicken Sandwich) SPEC (Sad People Eating Big Maccers, Big Maccers Cheeseburgers) Burgers without Borders West Philly (Mighty) Wingers Hillel-o-Fish Without Baguette Off the Bun Women’s Ice Coffee Penn DhaMca College Renuglicans Penn McRibbon Dancing McDonald's Vegan Society Macs & Wig At McDonald’s, you can Penn DeMcrats explore! Take a course or Penn (No)Appetit three in these mouth–waPenn EDM (Every Day Mctering fields of study.* Donalds) Penn McFurGlee Club PennQuestionable Ingredients Mc-roeconomics Molecular Fryology PRISM (Programs in Serving Lack of Health and Societies McNuggets) Golden Architecture

Majors

Environmental Degradation Studies Macthematics History of Arches Filet-O-sophy French (Fry) Studies Earth Fryance Frynance Fishtory (McBites) Engfish (McBites) Cinemac Studies McMuffine Arts The HuntsMac Program VageLovin It Program M&T Program in McGriddles Technology *It is possible to McDouble major.

The Sector Requirements

While you can taste whatever you like during your time at McDonald’s, you can’t leave these doors without satisfying the sector requirements. On the menu: Arts & Fries History & Tradition of McDonald’s Unnatural World Living A Shorter Lifespan World Quantitative Dollar Menu Analysis Cross-Cultural Menu Analysis Happy Meal Analysis in the US

Facts & Figures Distinctions - 2 out of 5 stars on Yelp! Class Size - McDonald’s legal capacity is 105 persons. McFaculty to Student Ratio - Before 11 p.m.: 1:5 - After 11 p.m.: 1:35 Undergraduate Costs - Tuition is, on average, $6.12 per visit. Costs may rise after 11pm. After McDonald's - 98% of students go to bed.

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FILM & TV

The Programming

The Set-Up

TELEVISION SHOWDOWN: MCDONALD’S VS. TACO BELL McDonald's

Taco Bell

The 24–inch Westinghouse TV is only visible from about four seats (strategically nailed into the floor), and the subtitles are only visible from about two. Nevertheless, even when the signal fails (which happens frequently), these seats still offer VIP access to that additional four–piece McNuggets you know you want. 2:00 a.m.: “SportsCenter” I’m drunk. I don’t eat McDonald’s. What’s with all these college football highlights? I stopped caring after Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn/Charlie Weiss days. As I stuff my face, I realize my “exercise” for the day consisted solely of walking to and from class. That’s all. Thanks for making me feel worthless, Florida State. 11:30 a.m.: “Bethenny” If you’re ever in the mood for a little self–loathing, go to McDonald’s hungover at noon to catch up on some serious Micky D–List daytime talk: Bethenny Frankel’s new talk show (yes, as in “Real Housewives of NYC” Bethenny). She must have honed her hosting chops between brawling with Jill Zarin and sipping Skinnygirl Margaritas. At least there’s some solid irony to enjoy, as Bethenny has probably never been within 10 feet of a Big Mac.

Within the sketchy, dimly lit food court at 34th and Walnut that happens to contain a Taco Bell, you’ll encounter three large flatscreen HD TVs mounted on the left–hand wall. Yes, we said three. Yes, we said HD. Welcome to the lap of luxury. Before 5:00 p.m.: “The Weather Channel" While I'm glad Taco Bell Express has three TVs, somehow three different Weather Channels aren’t quite as riveting as the aforementioned Micky D–List talk shows. At least Bethenny provides a decent amount of comic relief.

12:00 p.m.: “Judge Judy” Her Honor is giving diet advice. In McDonald’s. The irony continues to be bountiful. Her producers substantiate these nutritional nuggets with some photos of Judy getting nudie in a bikini on the beach with her husband. Needless to say, I put down my McNugget. I could probably use some self–help, considering I just willfully sat in McDonald’s for an hour watching a 24–inch Westinghouse TV.

5:00 p.m.: Local News Just saw a few Penn students on the news at 30th Street Station. I would make fun of you guys, but I’m also eating alone in a Taco Bell while you’re going home for Thanksgiving. Strangers from Locust, consider yourselves spared. (Ed. Note: For now.)

1:30 p.m.: “Divorce Court” Nothing spices up and/or solidifies a relationship like going on a trip to semi–scripted midday divorce court. Unfortunately, two other McDonald’s customers were also feeling the lovin’. They interrupt my viewing experience with a passionate makeout sesh in front of the screen. If only life imitated art.

5:15 p.m.: Local News From what I could infer from the subtitles designed for ants, someone robbed a Wawa in a “Scream” mask. Is it bad that I find that funny? I can’t bear this any longer. I might have to go “Live Más” at Chipotle.

8:53 p.m.: "Rudolph the Red–Nosed Reindeer"/"CNN News"/"Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." I wonder what reindeer tastes like. Do reindeer even exist? Are they just deer that work for Santa? A ground reindeer taco would be so festive; Taco Bell should get on that. In other news, stuff is going on in the world, and I’m watching TV in a food–court Taco Bell. 9:24 p.m.: “NCIS:LA”/”CNN News”/”Dancing With the Stars” Have I been living under a rock to not know that “Dancing with the Stars” is still a thing? Which forgotten third rate celebrity is gonna win this time around? I’m hoping it’s that random Hobbit from “Lord of the Rings.” I may actually stay until they close just to watch "NCIS." Then, when I get home, I’m gonna binge watch every previous episode on Netflix so I don’t have to do any homework Now that sounds like a plan.

The Verdict

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In terms of number of television sets and screen resolution, Taco Bell obviously wins. However, everybody’s favorite fast food joint takes the proverbial cake on the content–selection front. Somewhere within the vast and mysterious veins that fuel the McDonald’s empire, a team of behavioral scientists have worked tirelessly day and night to answer the age–old question: “What do we want to watch while inhaling a piece of ‘meat’ stuck between two buns?” The answer, it seems, is television shows that depict the people on the lowest end of the totem pole. Besides you, McD's eater. You suck, too.

FILM & TV

B–ROLL: A TOY STORY There was a time when people didn’t avoid trans fat, when “Super Size Me” wasn’t even an idea in Morgan Spurlock’s head and when my parents would do anything to shut me up. And during that time, I was a Happy Meal girl. If you ever had a childhood, you know: The Happy Meal is all about the toy. A Polly Pocket and McDonald’s collaboration in 1998 produced a blonde, plastic doll that was my dearest companion for three months straight. I like to think I’ve grown up since my toddler years, but if there’s one thing that’s stayed the same, it’s that I love—and always will love—free shit. Right now, at the 40th Street McDonald’s, there are two toy options. The first is a plastic football player and requisite football, promoting Nicktoons’ “NFL Rush Zone.” The other is a Build–A– Bear Workshop “mini–friend,” a tiny

REVIEW:

stuffed animal that comes with a coupon for $10 off in–store. So, why am I, a grown–ass college student, still fascinated by these toys? Obviously, I love that they’re free with purchase (though some people re–sell them: the Eagles Rush Zone character is currently going for up to $8.99 on Ebay, and the complete set of eight mini–friends will run you $21.95). But it’s the business element that really intrigues me. So much better than your average sweatshop–grown tchotchke, they’re also a genius marketing ploy. Because of these toys, Nickelodeon doesn’t need to bother finding other advertising for the new season of “NFL Rush Zone: Guardians Unleashed,” and Build–A–Bear doesn’t need a crazy Black Friday sale to get you into their stores. Every kid eats Happy Meals. If you toy them, they will come. It’s not all about the biz, however.

Promising that “sipping a McCafé drink is like taking a mini–vacation from your day,” McDonald’s latest “coffee” ad flaunts a winter wonderland popping out of a white chocolate mocha frappe, complete with a snow–crusted gondola gliding straight out of the cup. With just one sip, the promotion promises that the frappe will take you away to an exotic dreamscape—at least for a moment. Think wardrobe–to–Narnia style. Only this time, it’s finals week and the wardrobe to Narnia is actually a sugar–ridden frappe that looks like whipped cream atop muddy water. Almost without realizing it, you opened the wardrobe on 40th Street and find yourself sitting in a dark and grimy Mickey D’s. But hey, at least you’re here—picking which booth looks the least beaten–up so you can sit down and treat yo’self to that McCafé delight. Turns out, it’s actually somewhat calming. Maybe the ad was right. Maybe this frappe and the yellow and red building on the edge of campus that houses it is a “mini–vacation from your day,” and the journey to get there's a kind of pilgrimage to a safe haven. You’re going to need a miracle to pass that orgo final tomorrow, but for the moment, that doesn’t matter. Right now you’re enjoying what the ad promised you: a small, frappy “Miracle on 40th Street.” JUSTIN SHEEN

These toys are representative of a much larger cultural phenomenon: transmedia. TV shows don’t just exist in your living room, and a store is no longer just an alcove at your local mall. They’ve infiltrated every corner of media and, through the power of interactivity, have become so much more. The NFL has a website that goes along with their show—a frenetic, technicolor “online football community for kids” featuring games, half–baked animations and probably a pedophile or two. Build– A–Bear has BearVille, an entire virtual world designed to siphon money out of parents’ pockets via microtransactions. It’s a TV show or it’s a store, but it’s also an online “community,” a printable activity page, a message board, a blog post, a YouTube video and, of course, a Happy Meal toy. I wonder what those toddler years would have been like if Polly had existed outside of my pocket, if I had

been able to play with her online and connect with other kids doing the same, all while finding out about the many friends and clothes I could buy her. Chances are, I would’ve decided to ditch the free shit and turn my attention to all the extra stuff my parents could find and fund. The Happy Meal has existed since 1979, but the simple idea one small– time St. Louis advertiser had is becoming more brilliant and less simple with each new toy. While the toys at the 40th Street McDonald’s might not be the best Penn dorm room decor, the strategy behind them will certainly appeal to any Quaker interested in advertising, marketing and transmedia consumerism. For every smile they put on a kid’s (or a college student’s) face, they also drop a whole lot of money in someone’s pocket. And in the end, everybody’s lovin’ it. KATHERINE HARTMAN

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FOOD & DRINK

MCDONALD'S CALORIE EQUIVALENCIES We did the math so you don’t have to.

KEY =2 beers (standard 12 oz can of Budweiser beer, about 145cal)

Big Breakfast = 2 hours of complaining (Burns 67cal/hr)

PENN SECURITY

= 2 hours standing guard in the cold (Burns 75cal/hr for standing + about 45cal/hr for thermoregulation)

= 3,000 pelvic thrusts

= 3 hours reading 34st

= = =

(Burns 75 cal/hr: brain information processing + eye muscle movement + holding the magazine)

= =

(Burns 0.075cal/thrust)

M&M McFlurry

No problem, we’ve got you covered. From chocolate covered pretzels to baked cookies, and popcorn to caramel apples— we’ve got the most delicious gift trays, towers and baskets for your holiday needs!

Did you forget to buy someone a holiday gift?

= Big Mac

= =

= 10 piece Chicken McNuggets 15% discount for Penn Students!

= Call or visit our website for more information and to place your orders!

215-988-9992 | scoopdeville.com

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Large Sweet Tea

= =

FOOD & DRINK

MCDONALD'S SECRET MENU

$1.99

Street ordered from the McDonald’s Secret Menu a la Buzzfeed. Here’s what we got:

$4.99

McCrepe

What is it? A yogurt parfait scooped over an order of hotcakes. Employee reaction: “Can’t you just do that yourself?” Available at 40th and Walnut? Yes, but they enforce a strict DIY policy. How does it taste: It ain’t from Paris, but it ain’t bad.

$1.39

McGrilled Cheese

What is it? A grilled cheese Employee reaction: “You want just, like, bread and cheese?” “Yes.” “On a bagel?” “No, on one of the hamburgur buns.” “You want cheese on a bun?” “Yes.” “Just cheese?” “Yes.” “On a bun?” “Yes.” “Okay…” Available at 40th and Walnut? They gave us a bagel with cheese. How does it taste: Like a bagel and cheese. We would have preferred a bun.

3 4

McFlurry Madness

McGang Bang

What is it? A McFlurry with a pie blended into it. Employee reaction: “Small or regular?” Available at 40th and Walnut? Kind of… we ordered one, and they gave us a McFlurry sans pie. So, no. How does it taste: Damn good, even without the flaky pieces of a Micky D’s better– than–Thanksgiving apple pie.

$????

What is it? The McChicken sandwich wedged between the two beef patties of a Big Mac. Also, potentially a myth. Employee reaction: Confused but slightly threatening stare. Available at 40th and Walnut? As of yet, the 40th and Walnut staff are unaware of this secret menu item and might have been mildly offended when we tried ordering it. How does it taste: Like disappointment.

DRINK OF THE WEEK: Medium Diet Coke This diet–friendly reinvention of the classic virgin rum and Coke is surprisingly easy to prepare. Add $1.83 to your McDonald’s cashier’s hand, ask for a medium diet Coke and let sit for about 28 seconds, until the diet Coke appears. Carefully peel off paper and insert one end of the straw into the cup. Apply negative pressure with your mouth to the other end, and enjoy.

Ingredients: $1.83 paper– wrapped straw

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ARTS

: MCFRIENDSHIP BRACELETS

Bond with your late–night burger pals by making these trendy accessories. Place glue on the side of the paper you don’t want to see and carefully wrap it along a straw. Tuck and cut where necessary, until the paper is securely glued to the straw.

YOU’LL NEED McDonald’s packaging drinking straw rubber band glue scissors

Cut out a long strip of paper from the colorful graphic print on a McDonald’s bag or wrapping.

Cut the straw into smaller cylinders. These are your beads.

Cut the rubber band, and string the beads on it.

Tie the rubber band back into a knot and place on your friend’s wrist with love.

ARCHITECTURAL (RE)ASSESSMENT: MCDONALD’S TERRACE What could be the pinnacle of outdoor fast food feasting is nothing more than that stupid McDonald’s terrace you’ve probably never looked at. There’s a lot more going on than you think.

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“There’s no getting around it: the terrace is a failure.”

Read it at 34st.com!

ARTS

S U P CAM S GEM

40TH AND WALNUT BY MCDONALD’S This underappreciated installation features an innovative mixed–media collage of linoleum, stale fries and service with a smile.

S U P CAM S GEM

In his popular “McDonald’s” series, conceptual artist and circus performer Ronald McDonald has created a vibrant visual vocabulary that’s as relevant today as it was when his first piece opened up in 1940. Through the decades, Ronald’s pieces have spread like wildfire across America, interacting with visitors in ways that leave their bellies filled with contentment and saturated fats. We’ve been fortunate to have one of his more recent pieces so close to our hearts (and frats): Ronald’s very own “McDonald’s: 40th and Walnut.” In “McDonald’s: 40th and Walnut,” Ronald addresses the subject of contemporary American society through the lens of an indisputable national emblem: the hamburger and fries served in a semi– greaseproof cardboard box and paper bag. Dominat-

ing the theme are highly saturated reds and yellows paired with muted brown pastels inside. The décor seems suitable to an American audience with severe ADHD. The space is framed by the neon–lit ceiling of an office building and an arabesque terracotta–tiled floor. Abstract artworks reminiscent of cornfields hang next to pin–ups of the “dollar menu” centerfolds. Ronald’s use of multimedia is integral to the impact of “McDonald’s: 40th and Walnut.” The visual experience of this interactive work is supplemented by a variety of sounds and smells which serve to fully immerse the viewer. Upon entering, we are immediately greeted by the scent of convenience. Muzak filters through the restaurant as if all the customers are collectively holding for a phone call we know will never go through. There’s also a sense of anonymity among viewers of “McDonald’s: 40th and Walnut”

that can make it feel like an airport—although we all know it’s a destination. Ronald’s most audacious juxtaposition is between the viewers attracted at midday and midnight. Indifferent West Philadelphians pack the house for lunch as, later, inebriated students stumble in with midnight munchies. In this sense, “McDonald’s: 40th and Walnut” unites two disparate demographics. It is a diagnosis of societal division, but, possibly, also a remedy. Ronald isn’t unlike other conceptual artists in how many viewers fail to recognize this installation as a work of art. They only see it for its functional practicality. Like Duchamp’s urinal, viewers like to pee in it for free at 2 a.m. By the Duchamp’s standards, it’s a good piece of art, and we can see that Penn students are certainly lovin’ it. MOLLY COLLETT

CONTRAPPOSTO: TAKING A STANCE ON MCDONALD’S WALL Like any reputable community eatery, the 40th Street McDonald’s has its share of kindly decorative flourishes: the quaint community gathering place, a terrace; the entertainment, a television; and the art, a series of digital prints lining the brightly tiled walls. The seven pieces —digital photographs printed on plastic, roughly 16” by 16” — heavily feature the photographic technique of bokeh. You probably remember bokeh from your Windows 2001 default desktop wallpapers: points of light are blurred or intentionally unfocused. Others are simply light paintings, created by either moving the camera or using a long exposure to capture bright objects in motion—like writing your name with a glowstick. The effect? It’s that first–time–using–a–digital–camera look, overprocessed and perennially underwhelming. Some of the canvases resemble snakeskin

patterns; some evoke streaming headlights of speeding cars. You could spend all night distinguishing images in the patterns (you probably wouldn’t be the first). All things considered, these images are like a crude joke from someone who just doesn’t get abstraction. It’s an effort from that kid in your art history course who insists he can simulate a Pollock or Rothko. Sorry, buddy: non– figurative blurs do not an enigmatic masterpiece make. Sourced from the same purveyor of stock canvases that supplies dentists’ offices and hotel lobbies, the art is there to be there. You aren’t really supposed to look at it, whether in admiration or critique. They aren’t even canvases— they’re plastic representations of canvases. They’re meant to take up space, to appease some subconscious tickle or satisfy our expectation for a certain normalcy.

As patrons of McDonald’s, do we really deserve more? McDonald’s isn’t in the business of supporting local artists, fostering a love for culture or creating an enriching, holistic dining experience. We appreciate McDonald’s for its staunch uniformity. Our cheeseburger tastes the same as it did when we were eight years old in a different city. It tastes the same to everyone. It’s reliable, accessible and unassuming. We don’t want to confront our mortality or our sublimity as we wait to order a last–minute lunch. We want consistency, and we get it. So while we love the idea of our cheapest eateries housing hidden gems, folks, you get what you pay for. In this case, we get our art like our Dollar Menu french fries: bland, overprocessed and laden with superficial flourishes; wall art in the age of mass–production. MADELEINE WATTENBARGER

(corner of 36th and Haverford Ave) Grace Church is a multi-ethnic community of rich and poor, undergrads and PhDs, blue-collars and no-collars, Americans and internationals, all united by the good message of Jesus.

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LOWBROW

BEHIND THE GOLDEN ARCHES: CRIME AT PENN

Todd Henry Walker is nervous. We are sitting in his dormitory, room 245 of Gregory College House, 3909 Spruce Street, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 19104. He speaks calmly and deliberately, but he fidgets nervously. He is uncomfortable. He has secrets. Todd Henry Walker witnessed a quinquagintuple

homicide outside of the 40th and Walnut McDonald’s last week. So far, he has only told close friends and family what happened—and even then he hasn’t told the full story. “I am at a loss,” Todd Henry Walker, an engineering senior, says. Todd Henry Walker crosses his legs and asks me a ques-

tion. It’s the same one he’s been asking all day. He wants my assurances that this interview will be completely anymous. He fears for his life. “Should I be talking to you?” he asks, voice quivering. He starts to cry. “I’ve seen too much. You don’t know what they’ll do to me.” Todd Henry Walker is cooperating as a witness with the Philadelphia police’s murder investigation even though he has been violently threatened against doing so by the perpetrator and the perpetrator’s associates on three occasions. I tell him that he is a senior who lives in Gregory, that he is already completely anonymous, invisible to the naked eye.

We’ve moved! Springfield Beer Distributor

Still, I promise not to divulge any identifying details about Todd Henry Walker. I put a hand on his thigh. “I promise,” I say. Relaxed, Todd Henry Walker and I make small talk before discussing the quinquagintuple homicide. I point out that his phone number, (973) 217–3333, is unusual because it is not a Philadelphia area code. He tells me this is because his family actually lives at 42320 Mountain Avenue, Springfield, New Jersey, 07081. His dad, Dr. James Terry Walker; mother, Mrs. Lynn Ashcroft Walker; and younger sister, Madison Deirdre Walker, all live at that address and it would be devastating to

Todd should harm befall any of them. I make a joke that Ashcroft is a strange middle name. Todd Henry Walker weakly musters a laugh— something he hasn’t done in too long—and explains that Ashcroft is actually his mother’s maiden name, and she legally changed her middle name from Janice to Ashcroft shortly after getting married. Eventually, Todd Henry Walker opens up. “It was horrible, what I saw,” he says. “It’s not safe there.” At press time, Todd Henry Walker is at the southwest corner of Walnut and 36th streets. His social security number is 987–65–4320.

CONTRAPASTA: Fries with that?

Now open at

22nd and Washington Avenue just 7 minutes from campus! Sometimes I get asked if I want fries with my order at the 40th Street McDonald’s. I do not.

Phone: (215) 546-7301

We Deliver 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 01 3

Get the full scoop at 34st.com.

LOWBROW

LET’S DO BRUNCH: BLIND DATE EDITION Tired of the same old dating options, freshman Largo Fry asked Lowbrow to set him up with someone fresh and exciting for a blind brunch date to 40th and Walnut. In the spirit of McChristmas, we chose the Hamburglar. For the record, he smells like gutters and spit.

Here’s what happened: A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE DATERS

Largo Fry: I’m a freshman in the College, studying art history and economics. I like reading at the BioPond and calling my mom between classes. The Hamburglar: I’m The Hamburglar.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

LF: He had this huge —like, really huge — smile on his face and wrapped me up in a big bear hug right away. He smelled a little funny, but seemed nice enough. TH: I took what I needed, as I am wont to do. Hamburglar!!! AWAY!!!

SECONDS?

LF: I would definitely go again. He came on a little strong at times and I could only understand like, 40% of the words that came out of his oddly shaped mouth, but he paid so that was nice. TH: (Ed. note: The Hamburglar darted away into the misty morning, yelling, “I’m the hamburglar! I’m the hamburglar!! KNYACH! KNYACH!” His whereabouts are unknown.)

FRESHMAN FUCK–UP JUDY MCLLWAIN: FUCKIN’ UP AND “LOVIN’ IT” Freshman Fuck–up Judy McIlwain has a new “leash” on life. “Watch how many I can fit in my mouth,” she says to us—unprovoked—in a context that does not make sense. That is, until you realize she has chained herself to the 40th Street McDonald’s terrace, just trying to see how many blades of grass she can put into her mouth. She is grazing. “I like the ones that get stuck in the bricks,” she says,

flipping her lips up and showing her teeth. “They don’t even notice me out here.” “Not true at all,” says one McDonald’s employee. “Is that what she said? She scared the shit out of me a few nights ago. Last night we had to exit through the secret back entrance that’s at every McDonald’s. Oh no, I’ve said too much.” At press time, a small child tried to feed Judy a McNugget. Judy bit the child. What a fuck–up.

REPORT: HIPCITYVEG ADMITS WRONGDOING, HOPES TO REOPEN AS 40TH STREET MCDONALD’S HipCityVeg tried, they really did. But starting on January 15th, they will reopen as an identical copy of the 40th Street McDonald’s. “What a business model they’ve got over there,” said the cucumber–shaped manager Tom. “Really great stuff!” “Have you seen their menu? I mean, holy cow! Literally! Very literal!” said a heavyset, cauliflower–shaped woman they call Bea. “I can’t believe we didn’t see this before! People really love McDonald’s! Who knew?! I’m really excited for the future menu!” said a pale, femme man working behind the counter. When asked if HipCityVeg would be returning with their original, vegan menu, Tom the manager laughed. “Absolutely not. We’re coming back with all the trans–fat. All of it. ALL OF IT,” he said, shoving a burger and fries into a Mason jar. “Help me will ya?” he exasperatedly yelled through the loud din of the vegetable people. At press time, HipCityVeg was buying burgers from McDonald’s and making a “healthy” (Ba Dum Tss) profit. The Hamburglar remains at large.

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