December 8, 2011 by 34th Street Magazine

December 8, 2011 34st.com

Amy How to be your most photogenic Tips for avoiding dinner party calories The hottest celebrities of 2011

LOWBROW

IF YOU WERE A HOUSEWIFE, WHICH CITY WOULD YOU BE FROM? Keep track of your answers to these questions to find out!

REAL OR FAKE? The Housewives are prolific speakers. Can you tell which of these catchphrases from the opening credits are Real and which are just “poor” misrepresentations? “I didn’t marry rich. I married Bob.” “Opportunity is everywhere. The recession is what you make of it.” “I’m living the American Dream… one mistake at a time.” “I have a taste for luxury, and luxury has a taste for me.”

1. What’s your favorite TV show? a. The OC b. CSI: NY c. Jersey Shore d. State of Georgia e. 90210

MOSTLY As:

Orange County: As the original in the Housewives, you’re as outdated as the Juicy velour tracksuits you wear.

4. What’s something you can’t leave home without? a. Juicy tracksuit b. Satchels of gold c. Family d. Hairpiece e. Chihuahua in tote 5. What song plays when you enter the room? a. “My Humps” — Black Eyed Peas b. “Uptown Girl”— Billy Joel

MOSTLY Bs: New York City: Between

“mean– Tweeting” at your frenemies and shopping on Fifth Avenue, there’s no doubt that you’re in an Empire State of mind.

c. “Breaking Dishes” — Rihanna d. “Respect” — Aretha Franklin e. “Lifestyles of the Rich & the Famous” — Good Charlotte

6. If there were a Real Housewives movie, who would play you? a. Melinda Clarke b. Sarah Jessica Parker c. Edie Falco d. Tyler Perry e. Alicia Silverstone 7. Describe your husband in one word. a. Wealthy b. Wealthy c. Wealthy d. Wealthy e. Dead (but wealthy)

MOSTLY Cs:

MOSTLY Ds:

MOSTLY Es:

Your family is as thick as thieves and you will protect each other until the end.

Southern Belle, you’re never “tardy for the party” and life is all peaches and cream for you.

You’re a regular, strutting in your heels down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, solving the national debt crisis one Fendi at a time.

New Jersey:

Atlanta: As a

Beverly Hills:

“Being your own woman is great, but being your own man is better.” “I don’t keep up with the Joneses, I am the Joneses.” “It may look like I have it all, but I want more.” “Life is a big adventure, and I never know where my chauffer will take me.”

“People make fun of Jersey Girls, but I think they’re just jealous.” “I’m a star, and the world revolves around me.” “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”

True or False: Money can't buy you class. True: Go Away False: Rock On True or False: This whole issue is true. True: Ehhhh

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

2. Which of these lines best captures your outlook on life? a. I am just your typical housewife; I am obsessed with being young. b. I run with a fabulous circle of people. c. If you’re gonna mess with my family, you mess with me. d. If it doesn’t make me money, I don’t do it. e. Here, it’s who you know, and I know everyone.

3. How do you deal with confrontation? a. Attempt to show emotion through the Botox b. Post a rumor on Page Six c. Knock over tables d. Tell it like it is e. Confrontation is for poor people

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

False: Kind of 15

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

12.08.11 Inside: PAGE 10

PAGE 14

3 highbrow

Like a bumper stick on a Bentley. The round–up, word on the street, overheards, dispathes.

And on the third day, Andy Cohen created granite countertops, tinseled hair extensions and foreclosures. SWAK, Tom Colicchio

Vogue. posing tips, ego of the week.

CRUSHES YOU. LET US BUY YOU DRINKS.*

6 FOOD & DRINK

Table manners. dinner party themes, how to not eat, drink of the week.

8 feature 10 music

Stacy's mom has got it going on. House(wife) music, beats on the street, one track mind.

12 film

Ry Ry Riot. Ryan and Mila, how to get a reality show, defibrillator.

14 ARTS

The 126

Val Cohen

Kief Kelly

Lucie Read

The 127

Chloe Corner

Abigail Koffler

Lauren Reed-Guy

The 128

Andie Davidson

Ali Kokot

Tatum Regan

4102 Spruce

Anthony DeCurtis

Alex Koppelman

Shana Rusonis

4043 Locust

Patrick Del Valle

Julie Kozeracki

Vinita Saggurti

The AEPi kid who masturbates in front of his window

Jen Eisenberg

Jenny Lee

Jim Santel

Kaya Ensor

Ben Lerner

David Seidler

Sam Field

Gwen Lewis

Michael Scognamiglio

Patrick Ford-Matz

Julia Liebergall

Zeke Sexauer

Isabel Friedman

Tamar Lisbona

Samantha Sharon

Olivia Gold

Louise Malle

Rebecca Stein

Christian Graham

Jessica Marder

Sarah Tse

Jacqueline Heinrich

Zacchiaus McKee

Manon Vergerio

Wyatt Hilkene

Dorian Mendoza

Rachel Weinberg

Brian Horwich

Jack Nessman

Sydney Werber

Allie Houlihan

Isabel Oliveres

Steph Wit

Thomas Jansen

Emily Orrson

Mr. Wolpow

Liza Johnson

Jason Oscar

Jillian Kaltman

Naeema Phillipeaux

Isaac Kaplan

Aadi Rajeev

Lin Zheng Anyone who ever brought us weed or beer Cultural Elite (KiSseZ)

Julio Albarracin Grace Ambrose

Read my lips — no new collagen. bookstore shopping, diy lips.

Dawn Androphy Eillie Anzilotti

15 LOWBROW

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

FROMTHEEDITOR

4 EGo

I rule this school. Penn's ultimate housewife.

this issue is a joke. like haha funny. a joke.

Samantha Apfel

Housewife Geography! quizzes.

Greg Barber's Mom

16 back page

Lydia Berlacher

Greg Barber's Hamster Ben Bernstein

Dotted lines. play with housewives.

Dan Blas Chloe Bower The Deck Misha Buzinover

*SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! MEET AT THE DP AT 6:30!

then onward to SMOKE'S.

34th Street Magazine Jessica Goodman, Real Housewife of Disneyland Nick Stergiopoulos, Real Househusband of Wall Street Frida Garza, Real Housewife of Tenochtitlan Kendall Haupt, Real Housewife of Boca Raton Joshua Goldman, Real Househusband of the Irish Potato Famine Tucker Johns, Real Househusband of the Universe Paige Rubin, Real Housewife of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter Stephanie Rice, Real Housewife of Tacos Faryn Pearl, Real Housewife of Whoville Leah Steinberg, Real Housewife of Narnia Mady Glickman, Real Housewife of Vaginas Nina Wolpow, Real Housewife of New England

Sam Brodey, Real Househusband of the Warped Tour Jake Spinowitz, Real Househusband of R5 Hilary Miller, Real Housewife of Sammy Ellie Levitt, Real Housewife of Patagonia Megan Ruben, Real Housewife of Lilliput Anthony Khaykin, Real Househusband of the Trans– Siberian Railway Sandra Rubinchik, Real Housewife of Cheerleading Camp Will Baskin–Gerwitz, Real Househusband of EPL Alex Hosenball, Real Househusband of Gotham City Alexandra Jaffe, Real Housewife of 4102 Spruce Adrian Franco, Real Househusband of HGTV UnderTheButton.com

Morgan Finkelstein, Real Housewife of Fiso Michael Arnstein, Real Househusband of Rebel Bingo Ian Bussard, Real Househusband of ZTA Monika Knapp, Real Housewife of Twitter Lora Rosenblum, Real Housewife of Alpha Phiver Sandra Rubinchik, C'mon, she's over there AJ Thomas, Real Househusband of Wharton Cover design: Chloe Bower and hilary miller

Contributors: Chloe Bower, Patrick Del Valle, Liza Johnson, Jillian Kaltman, Ben Lerner, Vinita Saggurti, Michael Scognamiglio, Sarah Tse

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Jessica Goodman, Editor-–in–Chief, at goodman@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. Visit our web site: www.34st.com "KJFDSKLFJDLSKF" ©2011 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

wordonthestreet

HIGHBROW

DISPATCHES: Michaele Salahi Crashes the White House 5:35 p.m.: Hit the salon to get ready. Ask makeup artist what eyeshadow looks best on a telephoto lens, just in case. 6:37 p.m.: Mini crisis. Does red look good on television? Do I need botox? Breathe, Michaele. 6:39 p.m.: Breathing is for losers, grab Xanax. What will my nickname be on the blogosphere? Do housewives blog? Does that count as work? Ugh, revisit this later. 6:43 p.m.: Enter Limo. Make sure sari doesn’t fall down. Sari I’m not sari. 7:15 p.m.: Arrive at White House. Repeat mantra: You belong here, you belong here, you belong here, you belong here. Sing it to the tune of a God Bless America. Still not sari. 7:19 p.m.: Revised Mantra: You are invited. It just got lost in the mail. Repeat this till you start to believe it. Whatever, I need to be famous. 7:30 p.m.: Biden pic!!! Can’t wait to mupload this.

Potential album title: “Biden’ our time on the way to fame.” God, Michaele, you are the wittiest. Is “Mi¢haele” a trendy way to spell my name? 7:36 p.m.: Catch a glimpse of Michelle Obama. We’ll probably be BFFs once I’m famous if she’s not too jealous of me. Fab. 7:50 p.m.: This chicken is rubbery. Good. Eating is for the nonfamous. Ew, my husband is eating. I hope I don’t get the smell of food on me. 8:02 p.m.: Is the secret service guy looking at me? No, Mi¢haele, you just look amazing (and famous). Everyone is probably looking at you. Or maybe the president. No, definitely you. 9:05 p.m.: Champagne is getting to you. Time to call it a night. Put on a fierce face as you exit (great for the opening montage). Snap a selfie in the limo home for the blog. Gotta keep it real for your fans. 10:15 p.m.: Sleep and dream of Mi¢haele Salahi in lights.

THEROUNDUP

Atlanta Nene: I'm a size ten. I could be a size eight if I wanted to, but I'm effin' hungry. New York Kelly: Your blood type is pinot grigio. New Jersey Teresa: Would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley? I don't think so. Beverly Hills Kim: You're a slut pig! Orange County Vicki: Anyone who says money doesn't matter must be poor. D.C. Michaele's Husband: An invitation to the White House is a really a formality. You do not need the actual invitation to get into the White House.

By Missy Winthrop–Taylor

s any true housewife knows, husbands are an essential part of maintaining the super fab, luxurious lifestyle that goes along with the title of being a real housewife. I mean, I’m obviously not going to be working, and my Louboutins, Pradas and Guccis aren’t going to buy themselves… There are just so many things to think about! When I have babies, who’s going to fund their premiere designer wardrobe, fully equipped with a diamond studded pacifier and Louis Vuitton diaper bag? Who will support my Harry Winston jewelry habit? And, who’s going to fly in my $8,000 anti–aging cream from Africa?! I’d rather die than have wrinkles. There’s only one answer: my husband. The best kind of husband is the one who’s about to die and leave you all his money. Naturally, no housewife would ever would ever admit that, since her life insurance company would have a field day, but we all know it’s true. A housewife should take pride in knowing that she can bat her eyelashes, seal the deal and get a nice hefty reward out of it all in about six months. His kids will be mad for a hot minute, but they’ll get over it as quickly as you got over him and moved on with the hot gardener from next door. Post–funeral, this housewife is in her prime; she’s filthy rich, young, single and didn’t have to lift a finger to do it. Cheers to you, babe. The other option is to settle. While he may not be suffering from a terminal illness or be super hot, this kind of husb is loaded, moderately attractive… oh yeah, and loaded! He’ll make you look really good by comparison in every photo, and he'll worship the ground you walk on. He’ll likely be weirdly metrosexual and like to take you shopping, but that won’t bother you because now you have another mani–pedi partner! Yay! And finally, there’s the husband that you’re actually in love with— go figure. Even though his bank account won’t compare to your dead ex–husband’s, at least he won’t have to take a double dose of Viagra and will actually be attractive. Major plus. You guys also will have kids… together, and they'll def be the cutest, least fucked up kind. The housewife lovey–dovey couple of the year is obvs Beverly Hills’ Kyle and Mauricio. His accent? I die. Keep your eyes on him, Kyle! You really can't trust the others… So future housewives, listen up, do whatever it takes to find your money! Did I say money? Oops… I mean man! So, go on Millionaire Matchmaker, hold auditions, sign up for J–date. But make sure to check the books with his accountants before making it official. We don’t want any frauds here. You can never be too skinny or too rich, so get out there, limit yourself to one grape a day and find your Mr. Moneybags!

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

Hello, darlings! Katrina Von Humboldt here! Listen, I know you crazy kids think you're having a fabulous time at Penn, but back when I was at school here we really knew how to party. When we weren't studying for our COMM finals in the Von Humboldt study lounge (you know the one on the thirteenth floor of Van Pelt), we split our time between the Hall and Smokey Joe's, and did more than our fair share of dancing to Kweder… is he still there? Of course he is! Listen, babes. My sorority sisters and I really knew how to live it up back in those days. What's that you ask? Oh, I can't say what sorority I was in, but let's just say they always let ME B ME, if you know what I mean. ;) This one time just as the weather started to warm up again, my gal pal, Jen Eisenberg, and I were "painting our nails" at the Bio Pond and got the silliest case of the giggles, ya know? Anyway, I went skinny dipping (the pond was much cleaner in those days) and crazy old Jen wandered into Wawa and ate, oh I don't know, like 7000 Tastykakes AND a cheddar–stuffed pretzel. She regretted that one later — barely fit into her formal dress, the poor dear. She still found herself a well–off Wharton boy after a few trips to the gym, so don't you worry about her! The nose job certainly didn't hurt either… Okay, kids, I know you don't want to hear an old lady like me gabbing about her sex life, but you've got me going and I just can't help myself! The date was February 16, 1981; the time was 1:37 a.m., and I was still a virgin, but not for long! Ever the princess, it's all too appropriate that I did the deed for the first time at the Castle. Can't you just picture it? He was 6'2", built like an real man, and from a very good family, of course. I don't want to give too much away, but he comes from a long line of British nobility. He was the IV, no less! I still rememer… dark chocolate egyptian cotton, 1200 count (and not a thread less!) Ralph Lauren sheets and a coordinated cashmere throw. Shh, don't tell my husband… or my boyfriend… or the pool boy! They'd be so jealous. Oh dear, I think I've had one too many Merlots. I should stop talking before I say something unladylike. Ta ta, lovebugs! xoxo, Katrina

over heard PENN

MY HUBBY, MY FAVE ACCESSORY

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

EGO

POSING PROTIPS A picture says a thousand words. Have yours all be compliments.

Give a fierce animal face. Duck face may accentuate your cheekbones, but the whole animal kingdom has something to offer. For example, show off those luscious lips with a seductive chipmunk mouth.

Smize like there’s no tomorrow. If you don’t know what that means, what a pity. It means smiling with your eyes. Actual smiling is too wrinkly.

Black is slimming. And more is more.

Find your best angle: The acuter the cuter. Hide. If it can’t be seen, it must be skinny.

If All Else Fails: Photoshop until you’re photohot. Remember: traditional anatomy is so 20th century.

What are you lookin' at Patti Stanger? Street goes VOGUE

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For Franklin and Landolakes, it was love at first sight. Then, it was marriage at first month. Now the Quad’s only married freshmen couple spend their time throwing parties for Penn’s elite in their 4th floor Riepe walkup, designing designer designer shoes, and dyeing their pet dog, President Bush. Street: How did you decide to get married? LP: It just made sense for us. We are two souls. FW: Go on. LP: Oh, that’s all. Street: How did your parents feel about your marriage? LP: Because I am legally an adult, I do not have parents. FW: I’m her parents now. LP: What? Street: What was the best wedding gift you got? FW: Wait, did my RA ever give us a gift? LP: No. FW: Lord. Street: What did you learn from your wedding? LP: Note to self, keep ex–cons and assholes off your guestlist. Street: Who is your alter ego? FW: A failure. LP: Jessica. She's dowdy.

Street: What does your Penn card look like? LP: Luscious luxurious little lamb meat. Or a vivacious veal. FW: It looks fine — LP: Actually beef. He looks horrible, he has like eight chins. Right, hun? Like maybe nine, even. Isn’t he fat? I’ve always thought he was fat.

Street: What is your motto? FW: Be the person you always thought you said you wanted to be when you weren’t that person right before you said the motto. LP: Live like you’re dying. Like someone is killing you right now with a sword and you’re bleeding out like in Grey’s Anatomy. Like that.

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STURDY TABLES

Street: You just failed a very important final. What do you do? FW: Well, it’s a very complicated process. First, I’d talk to my lawyer. Then, I’d consult with my professor’s lawyer. Then, I’d meet classmates’ lawyers. Then — LP: This happened to me once. I flipped a table on him. Street: Sorry, I’ve never heard that expression. LP: That wasn’t an expression. Street: What are you majoring in? FW: Finance, with a concentration in Money. LP: Animals.

Street: I didn’t know that was open to students. FW: Neither did she. Street: What makes you two stand out on campus? FW: Other than that we’re so dashingly attractive? LP: I sing! FW: She’s a superstar. A real auto–tune goddess. LG: Buy my single! It’s called "Hurrah for the Red and White Wine!" Get it? FW: Everyone gets it.

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Street: There are two types of people at Penn... LG: Us and them. FW: No, say something funny. LP: I don’t know what to say. (burps dog) FW: Goddammit, say something funny. They want you to be funny.

What was the best thing you’ve done at Penn so far? LP: Oh my god, Amy Gutmann’s Halloween party at her mansion was just fabulous! I dressed up as a chihuahua and he was my dog walker!

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each

Won't flip when you do.

Street: What’s your guilty pleasure? FW: Sometimes I like to wake up early in the morning — say, around 4 am, when the only sounds are the trees breathing and the pitter–patter of dew drops falling on the freshly– mowed blades of grass. Then, I walk back and forth on Locust. Back and forth. Back and forth. For a moment, I am able to forget everything: the classes, my wife, seventh grade. For a moment, I am content. LP: Frozen fish sticks! I know! I am mentally ill! Put me away!

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34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

Class

Street: If you had a super power, what would it be? LP: Narcolepsy. What about you, babe? FW: To reset my life. LP: Oh.

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

EGOOF THE WEEK: FRANKLIN WHARTON III & LANDOLAKES PATEL

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

FOOD&DRINK

Fake it ‘til You Make it How to not to eat at your next dinner party. Take advantage of pre–dinner small talk to mention you’ve contracted a stomach bug. Wanna make it better? Suggest it might be food poisoning from the cheeseburger you so casually consumed at lunch. When appetizers are served, take a few bites, chat some more and then take an extended bathroom break. Use the time away from the table to peruse bathroom shelves and cabinets for prescription drugs, laxatives or her husband’s performance enhancers. We can almost guarantee that when you return, the maid will have cleared what was left on your plate. Yes, there are that many drugs.

Lean over to compliment your neighbor’s new boob job. In the process, use your own boobs to knock over your wine glass and flood your plate. Use food as ammunition for your inevitable mid–dinner fight. Tossing what’s on your plate will increase drama and decrease calories. If all else fails, flip the entire table. Goodbye dinner, hello bikini. As a last resort, take the easy route out and don’t hold back on that seventh martini. Not only will you lose your inhibitions, you’ll throw up everything you ate, too. You didn't make the drinks, it's not your fault.

USE YOUR PARTY THEME TO YOUR SOCIAL ADVANTAGE Botox on the Rocks: You and your husband can host a Botox party for the other couples on 34th Street. Invite your go–to botox doctor, inject each other’s foreheads, pause your aging process and serve drinks on the rocks with straws so that you don’t have to move your face post–treatment.

Drink

of the Week:

1 shot of female aggression

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

Grillin' Girls: Invite the girls over to grill and grill them on what they actually did at your daughter’s Sweet 16 party.

1 shot of pressure to get enough camera time

Ex–mas Party: Get back at your enemy by inviting her ex–husband over. Stir up the drama along with some strong eggnog and spiked cider.

Masquerade Ball: Masquerade your horrific personality by doing something nice for others! Raise money for the charity of your choice.

Independence Party: Celebrate your divorce!* *Sheree Whitfield actually did this.

1 shot of dysfunctional familial relationships

1 ½ cups of general poor–taste Pour into shaker. Shake for as long as it takes you to say, “I love my sugar daddy!” Serve in a insecurity–rimmed glass.

To be a good host:

To be a good guest: Tell your host whether you’re attending. More importantly, tell her if you’ll be eating solid foods today.

Invite clearly. Disinvite more clearly.

Be a willing participant. Always help stir the pot — take that as you will.

Plan well. Is this a cocktail party or social sabotage masquerading as a cocktail party? The distinction is vital. Keep your guests feeling welcome. When it becomes appropriate to reveal intimate details of their personal lives, timing is key.

Remain calm. Stress equals wrinkles. Be flexible and gracious. Always offer second seventh cocktails. In terms of the first part, everyone from here to Mozambique with access to Google knows you’re flexible. Be appreciative. Smile and thank your guests for any gifts they might bring; remember to save gift receipts.

3 6

Be on time. Inappropriately early is the new fashionably late. Offer to help when you can. Extra hands on the table tip it faster.

Don’t overindulge. Three bites is two bites too many. Thank the host twice. Especially for the chunk of hair that she ripped from your scalp.

Dine-In, Catering & Delivery Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95

WE'RE GONNA FIND YOU.

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

PARTY PATROL

12 9

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From Emily Post to Housewives

PattayaRestaurant.com • 215.387.8533 4006 Chestnut Street • University City 7

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

Our Kind of Housewife

With their bad behavior snagging most headlines, the Housewives from coast to coast are in dire need of a role model. These women need someone who understands their glamorous lifestyle and jetsetting ways, but who spends her time doing more than attending midday cocktail parties and lingerie shopping sprees. Luckily, there’s someone right here at Penn who can teach these ladies a thing or two: our president, Amy Gutmann. She runs this school, and she’s got it all.

House

Who needs a 10,000 sq. ft. suburban McMansion when you can have Amy’s Walnut Street abode? Although we haven't seen much of it besides the first floor and surprisingly spacious backyard, we can assume it's just as elegantly appointed, making this the perfect home base for Penn's leading lady. Does she even live here? Who cares.

"I have to say that my favorite [food] is sushi from Sushi Do at Houston Market."

Fans

Parties

Sure, we all poke a little fun at our esteemed prez, but we've got nothing but love for Amy. And judging by the praise she gets wherever she goes, we don't think we're alone. Need further proof? Check out UndertheButton.com's Chasing Amy series.

Valentine's Day, Commencement or Finals, Amy's never heard of an occasion that she can't turn into a party, usually tented in her backyard. Halloween, though, is always her shining moment, and she never fails to put together a costume that puts every freshman "Where's Waldo" to shame. Exhibit A — The Mad Hatter.

Friends

Book

Books on cooking and etiquette? Amy's way past that, having published tomes on law and democracy, among other decidedly un– housewife friendly topics.

Gracing the pages of In Touch? As if. Amy is used to hanging with the political and educational A–list wherever she goes. From serving on President Obama's Bioethics Commission to chilling with Arianna Huffington at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland, she's a true jetsetter. And all those illustrious commencement speakers, from Denzel to Jon Huntsman Jr. [Ed note: Look at all the fun they're having in this pic!], got some quality face–time with the leading lady.

Humanitarian Efforts

Amy kind of wrote the book on this. No really, she co–authored a book called Work and Welfare. Aside from that, we feel her save–the–world presence on the reg, without actually seeing her… ever. From making Philadelphia and Penn "greener," to increasing Penn's educational presence around the world and joining up with students combatting racism in a silent protest on college green, Amy is ubiquitous.

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

–Street, March 17, 2011

You won't find any cleavage or inappropriate hemlines here. Amy's style is clean and conservative, heavy on monochromatic pantsuits and demure footwear. Sometimes, though, even Amy will take a fashion risk. We'll let our readers decide if it pays off.

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

"I rule this school." –Amy Gutmann,

Wardrobe

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

BEATS ON THE STREET

SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR CATFIGHT

Ramona S.

Gretchen R.

Danielle S.

Lady Goodwin

" I only listen to Taylor Swift because it makes me feel happy even if I haven’t taken my Prozac."

" I’m listening to “Stacy’s Mom” because it makes me feel hot. Rawwwwr!"

"I used to really like Black Eyed Peas, but I haven’t been able to hear much since I accidentally injected my ear with botox. Worth it!"

"Come hither, horse– drawn buggy! To the Mozart concerto posthaste!"

ONE TRACK MIND: “Bump It,” Michaele Salahi

Times have been rough for Real Housewife of D.C. and White House party crasher Michaele Salahi. As a member of the only installment of the franchise not renewed for a second season, Salahi’s desperation to suck the teat of modest relevancy has taken her to Miami for her inaugural performance of “Bump It” to the poor saps unfortunate enough to be NBC’s studio audience that day. Salahi kicks off with poignant self–reflection, “Like I’m so hot, and like, you’re so not”. The well’s run dry.

You can admit it: sometime it’s hard to find that perfect song to get you in the mood to unleash cooped–up housewife fury on that bitch archenemy of yours. Check out our recommendations for those tracks that are just right for tearing out extensions, ripping out fake nails and breaking noses so hard you’d think a plastic surgeon did it. “Gucci Gucci” – Kreayshawn “Eye of the Tiger” – Survivor “Lose Control” – Missy Elliot feat. Ciara and Fatman Scoop “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” – Fishbone "Crown On The Ground" – Sleigh Bells

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

"Get Stupid" – Mac Dre

"Devil In a New Dress" – Kanye West feat. Rick Ross "Fist Full Of Steel" – Rage Against The Machine

37 N. Third Street · Philadelphia, PA 19106 · 267-671-0737 · · vagabondboutique.com ·

RAWR

Since we all know that every housewife has a secret musical talent just waiting to come out, Street encourages you to put a ring on it, get knocked up and then release a kick-ass auto-tuned single. Here’s our guide to your competition.

Song

"On Display"

"Tardy for the Party"

Melissa Gorgo Kim Zolciak

"Money Can't "Chic C'est la Vie" Buy You Class"

"Fly Above"

Luann de Lesseps

Kandi Burruss

"And the primary mistake, texting on a date, if you make a lady wait she'll take a pass"

"Life is but a dream, when every day your living in is featured on TV"

"If people jealous cause you live yo life, then go and throw your hands up in the sky"

Basically, don't be late, because I'm already here looking hot.

Money can't buy you class, and elegance is learned. I have both.

My life is so fabulous I can only sing about it in [bad] French.

I'm the only housewife with a viable music career/modicum of talent.

Something that A cow dying over Musical would be remixed a surprisingly menopause. at a Theos party. danceable beat.

A drag queen doing spoken word over a vaguely Euro–beat.

A Destiny's Child b–side. She's got a Grammy for a reason.

Best Listened To When

In da (strip) club.

Waiting for your Downing a bottle very own Big of merlot. Alone. Poppa to meet you at Whisper.

Chilling by the pool with caviar and Clicquot, probably at a Sandals resort.

You're fed up with another untalented housewife releasing a single.

Overall Rating

Not even recording this in her home studio could help this overcooked mess.

OK, the vocals are rough, but the beat is enough to earn it a spot on Pottruck spinning playlists.

At least Luann has a better grasp on her limits here, but seriously, this is talking over a half–baked beat.

It won't hit #1 anytime soon, but at least she can sing.

Choice Lyric

Message

Sounds Like

I'm hot and I'm not going anywhere (sorry I'm not sorry, Teresa).

The lyrics are shockingly delusional, and the "singing" is cringeworthy.

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

"I'll be feeling good by 9 after my third glass of wine"

"I can feel the weight of the world pushing down on me"

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'HOUSE' MUSIC

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FILM

2011’S HOTTEST CELEBRITIES DEFIBRILLATOR

THE STEPFORD WIVES (2004)

RYAN GOSLING

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

He first captured our hearts making out with Rachel McAdams in the rain in 2004’s The Notebook, but 2011 made RyRy a bona fide superstar. From his brooding smolders to infectious twinkling eyes, America fell crazy, stupid in love with Gosling. This former Mickey Mouseketeer was a romantic lead in Crazy, Stupid, Love. opposite Emma Stone, headlined an indie thriller in Drive and co–starred with Clooney in political drama The Ides of March. His on–screen abs didn’t hurt, either.

MILA KUNIS

Gone are the days when the sultry star hid behind animation as Meg on Family Guy. Mila Kunis took 2011 by storm as she worked Hollywood as Natalie Portman’s wild and sexy counterpart in Black Swan and blew NP’s No String Attached out of the water by seducing Justin Timberlake in summer rom–com Friends with Benefits. Her career shows no signs of slowing, as Kunis is currently filming Oz: The Great and Powerful opposite James Franco. Plus, she’s newly single and escaped the Soviet Union as a child — how exotic.

Meryl Street

imagine the possibilities.

Everyone has a role model. I have a whole town of them. When I’m feeling off my game, I turn to The Stepford Wives for a little dose of the three S’s: style, secrets and suburbia. When an uptight busybody with a tragic haircut (Nicole Kidman) gets fired from her job, her husband (Matthew Broderick) suggests they pick up and move from Manhattan to Stepford, Connecticut for a little change of pace. The housewives of Stepford are everything that Joanna isn’t — well–groomed, friendly and feminine. At first, Joanna feels out of place because of her bad hair and her monochrome wardrobe, but she quickly learns to embrace Stepford culture. She dyes her hair blonde and gets some new clothes that are way more flattering to her skin tone. There’s this one scene where she shows up at the grocery store for the first time with her new look and totally stops everyone in their tracks because she looks so amazing. I always get really emotional at that part. Then there’s this weird robot thing that happens, but I never really pay attention to that stuff, since by that point I’m usually knee–deep in hair curlers trying to copy Nicole Kidman’s voluminous blonde ‘do. It really does wonders to soften her harsh bone structure. The Stepford Wives is a really inspiring story about believing in yourself and knowing that you can be hot if you just put in a little effort. Joanna also learns a lot about the importance of family and being a good wife, even if Matthew Broderick is way too short for her. —Camille Grammer

Following these easy steps are sure to secure you a spot on Bravo primetime.

Marry rich. Who gets married for love anymore, right? Find the next billionaire and put a ring on it. Then make sure everyone knows you don’t need a man to be in the spotlight.

Remember that being catty is always the way up. Being polite to those below you is simply a waste of time. And when it comes to dealing with “friends,” a good glass of wine to the face never hurt anyone.

Get a Surrogate, and a Nanny. Unless you have the genes of Natalie Portman, say hello to chunky cellulite thighs and throw away those Comme des Garcons jeans. No one expects you to be one of those crafty DIY mothers. Without a nanny, you can say goodbye to Rodeo–Drive–and–me time. Don’t even think you can chase your sextuplets in Louboutin heels.

Wear only next season’s fashions. If it’s already in ready–to–wear, it’s already out. Just make sure everything fits your young perky body just right — hip–hugging and cleavage bearing! Don’t hide your most expensive reworked assets.

Explore your many talents. Reality TV is the gateway to your singing/acting/modeling/dancing dreams! Daddy always told you how beautiful and talented you were, and the rest of the world should know too.

N -e

BRING IT BACK.

Never admit fault. Whether or not she heard you tell her husband about her affair, you have no idea what she is talking about: "Sorry" is not in the vocabulary of a classy woman. Besides, she forgot you are in your vegan phase right now and served lamb as the main course at the last dinner party. She had it coming.

Leave any of it off tape. Live by the mantra: there is no such thing as bad publicity. Every aspect of your life is entertainment gold; no shame.

Leave Your Stylist at Home. If you’re styling yourself after age 16 you aren’t worth a second glance.

Be discouraged by critics. They’re just jealous. If Paris Hilton can have a #1 download on iTunes, so can you!

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

PEN n o i t tra

Agree to a prenup. In the highly likely event that the fairy tale doesn’t have a happy ending, you don’t want to end up with just a slice of the wedding cake… you want the whole damn thing. Besides, it’s his fault, isn’t it?

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OW H S Y T I L A RE N W O R OU Y G N I R SECU

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ARTS

DIY: Real Housewife Lips

Sure, botox removed years from that wrinkly old face of yours, but when it comes to facial expressions, versatility is key. What’s a girl to do? These quick cut out lips will do the trick, useful for many a Real Housewife occasion. Just snip, paste and enjoy being the talk of your haughty gated community.

It's about to be a what?

A fake smile for your frenemies!

Girl fight.

Seduce your man…

Illustrations by Faryn Pearl

BURSAR ME DIAMONDS

Not feeling as extraordinary as Teresa or Kim? One trip to the Penn bookstore and you can bursar your way to a zebra–striped housewife heaven. Despite what the Countess says, Street knows that (fake) money can buy you class.

Yoga pants $44.98.

With perfectly toned legs, a housewife doesn’t have to worry about alarmingly unflattering prints.

Rhinestone shirt $49.98. These rhinestones highlight any housewife’s favorite asset.

Steam iron $28.98.

34TH STREET Magazine December 8, 2011

We hear these can make your clothes look even more expensive than they really are.

Get the new minivan.

iPads for Dummies $24.99.

You don’t actually have to learn how to use it — you just have to look like you do on camera!

Tennis balls $6.98.

Any housewife must to be prepared to show off her aggression and agility in a rousing tennis match. BYOB.

Martha Stewart Cookbook $24.99.

It doesn't matter if you're a good mother, as long as you can make a mean batch of precious cakelets.

Play with the Love watching all 67.5 Real Housewives franchises? Always wanted to have an endless cycle of drunken shenanigans, maxed out credit cards and shouting matches bordering on a domestic abuse charge with absolutely no repercussions? Ever dreamt of being–for–real–a Real Housewife? Well, we really can't help you there at all. But if you cut along the lines and squint a little, you just might be able to pretend.