8.29.2017 by 34th Street Magazine

August 30, 2017 34st.com

august 30

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

2017

LOL

3 HIGHBROW

overheards, career services

4 WORD ON THE STREET leave of absence

5 EGO eotw

6 MUSIC

last first day, summer albums we can't get over, beat of the week

8 VICE & VIRTUE

vagina promises, summer fling

LOL

10 FEATURE featy feat

15 F&TV

freshman year in movies, chris nowlan

16 ARTS

back to school gallery guide, fringe fest

18 LOWBROW LOL

NSO questions answered, on time for NSO

Today marks the first day in the history of 34th Street Magazine that the print edition will be offered as a stand alone—not within the pages of a copy of The Daily Pennsylvanian, not nestled and hidden away and difficult to find without significant effort.

Philadelphia arts magazine to a publication that explores Penn culture, art and life. We've dedicated a full page to first–person narrative, giving student voices the space it deserves— not just a column. We cleared out old voices and tones and made way for the new.

It feels a little vulnerable, in a way. Like it or not, Street has always had the cushion of being folded neatly away into a DP paper. Now, we're on our own. Street stands completely by itself. But luckily, it has what it needs to push itself forward.

Of course, there's always places in which we can grow, places we And, of course, please enjoy the very first stand alone issue of Street. can evolve. If you look at anything, I hope you find as much joy in it as anything at all, and see nothing to change, you're not looking hard I do. enough. I want this magazine to grow into every student's staple—where you go to read things that make you engage, learn, and enjoy your peer's words.

So much about Street has changed, not only throughout my first semester as Editor–in–Chief, but throughout the years. We've evolved from a

That's where you (the reader)

THE OLD STREET CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. WHY? OH, 'CAUSE IT'S DEAD. #WEDNESDAY IS THE NEW THURSDAY.

Orly Greenberg, Editor–in–Chief Dani Blum, Managing Editor Chloe Shakin, Audience Engagement Director Teagan Aguirre, Design Director Carissa Zou, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Nick Joyner, Features Editor Julia Bell, Features Editor Angela Huang, Word on the Street Editor Dalton DeStefano, Film & TV Editor Annabelle Williams, Highbrow Editor Haley Weiss, Ego Editor Andreas Pavlou, Vice & Virtue Editor Talia Sterman, Music Editor Colin Lodewick, Arts Editor Claire Schmidt, Lowbrow Editor Catalina Dragoi, Film & TV Beat Michaela Reitano, Film & TV Beat Sabrina Qiao, Ego Beat Maria Riillo, Ego Beat Natalia Sanchez-Nigolian, Ego Beat Lucia Kim, Highbrow Beat 2

comes in. I hope you view Street as a resource. I hope it's where you go for advice, for humor, and for a place to use your voice and share your thoughts. If you see a gap in the narrative, fill it yourself. If Street is missing a voice, lend yours. Come share your words with us—we'd love to hear them.

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Daniel Bulpitt, Highbrow Beat Angela Lin, Highrow Beat Nick Castoria, Highrow Beat Paul Litwin, Music Beat Amy Marcus, Music Beat Aliya Chaudhry, Music Beat Noah Kest, Music Beat Michelle Pereira, Music Beat Jess Sandoval, Music Beat Shoshana Sternstein, Lowbrow Beat Dano Major, Lowbrow Beat Lily Zirlin, Lowbrow Beat Cami Potter, Lowbrow Beat Noa Baker, Vice & Virtue Beat Lily Snider, Vice & Virtue Beat Morgan Potts, Vice & Virtue Beat Julia Messick, Vice & Virtue Beat Jillian Karande, Vice & Virtue Beat Molly Hessel, Vice & Virtue Beat Gina Alm, Arts Beat Sherry Tseng, Arts Beat Linda Lin, Arts Beat Michaela Tinkey, Arts Beat

Staff Writers: EIsabelle Fertel, Caroline Curran, Sophia Carlson, Kiana Cruz, Clare Kearns, McKay Norton, Chen Chen Zhang, Brookie McIlvaine, Steph Barron, Lauren Donato, Frankie Reitmeyer, Jamie Gobreski, Brittany Levy, Jessica Li, Maria Formoso

Colleen Campbell, Copy Editor Kolade Lawal, Copy Editor Megan Jones, Social Media Editor Cole Bauer, Social Media Editor Maya Rosenberg, Social Media Editor Blake Brashear, Social Media Editor

Zack Greenstein, Design Editor Katherine Waltman, Design Editor Gloria Yuen, Illustrator Anne Marie Grudem, Illustrator

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Autumn Powell, and Brinda Ramesh.

Avalon Morell, Photo Editor Autumn Powell, Photo Editor Megan Kyne, Photo Editor Christina Piasecki, Photo Editor Emily Hason, Video Director Daniel Rubin, Video Editor Megan Kyne, Video Editor Lea Eisenstein, Copy Director Sophia Griffith-Gorgati, Copy Editor Nancy Liu, Copy Editor Kimberly Batista, Copy Editor

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Orly Greenberg, Editor–in–Chief, at greenberg@dailypennsylvanian.com. You can also call us at (215) 422-4640. www.34st.com "What's the vagina article about?" ©2017 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Wednesday.

HIGHBROW

HIGHBROW CAREER SERVICES:

RESUMÉ WORKSHOP

The hero we don't deserve.

ANGIE LIN LUCIA KIM

THE ART OF THE RESUMÈ Reading between the lines takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to resumès. Let Highbrow help you wade through the BS. OBJECTIVE Seeking a position as [insert anything here, really]——Seeking a diet of more than just Easy Mac and free Dunkin coffee every time the Eagles win. SKILL SUMMARY • Able to efficiently utilize a variety of social media platforms——I have the Followers app for Instagram (follow for follow; my ratio and aesthetic are both pristine), and my longest Snapchat streak is 312 days and still counting. • Proficient with Word, Excel, and conducting Internet research——I use Word for school essays, and have used Excel a few times for Intro to Biology Labs. Additionally, the Internet is my go–to tool for any question I may have, including “How many days are in September?” • Extensive experience working with children in a variety of settings——I’ve babysat not just one, but three different kids that may or may not have been related to me. They loved me! • Fluent in French——I’ve watched Amélie, like, five times. EDUCATION University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA May 2019 • Bachelor of Arts • Major: Communications——two years was not nearly enough time to figure out my life… so no, Communications is not a useless major, and yes, I am looking for a job in finance. Why do you ask? • Minor: Consumer Psychology——Name–dropping Wharton makes me much more marketable, and it only took a few cutthroat classes! • GPA: 3.0/4.0——I thought I was going to be a chemistry major. Mom, Dad, don’t worry. The good ole GPA is slowly back on the rise after I dropped all my STEM classes. June 2015 WORK EXPERIENCE Resident Advisor Aug 2017 – present Mentors freshmen and handles situations of extreme pressure——Once, a resident got so drunk she peed in the kitchen sink, and I had to clean it up. To be fair, they’ve gotten me back into bed before. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Freelance Graphic Designer Feb 2017 – present • Creates weekly content using Adobe Photoshop for a growing consumer base of 17,000 —— Catch my memes on OUPSCC. Toss me a like if you’re feeling generous. Channel 14 Television Station Marketing Intern May 2016 – Aug 2016 • Streamlined daily project logistics and maintained team efficiency——I mastered my boss’ daily Starbucks order: Venti Soy Quadruple Shot Latte with No Foam. Founder of CalliesCharms January 2014 – ???? • Oversaw sales in e–commerce markets——I tried to sell friendship bracelets on Etsy, but this endeavor was cut short when I got too lazy to ship out the first order. Not sure if my shop is still open. ACTIVITIES • Member, Wharton Retail——In true interdisciplinary spirit, this club combines my two favorite pastimes: clothes and cushioning my activities section. Amy G would be proud. • Admissions Tour Guide Volunteer, Kite and Key——Check out my leadership skills as I lie–talk about how amazing all the dining halls are. Aaand that’s the art of the resumé. You can thank us when you’re rich and famous.

xoxo, Highbrow Career Services

over heard PENN at

Medium dabbling in networking: Dude, I cold called Steve Jobs. Snapchat master: Should I just use the dog filter to show him I'm super easy? Hydrated betch: I keep four Perriers in my bag at all times. Washed up frat star: God is dead, and frats have killed him.

OMG IT'S OCR SZN. FILL DAT RESUME: JOIN STREET. INFO SESS 9/5, 9/6, 9/7 HUNTS 365, 5 PM. BYO JOE BIDEN.

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WOTS

word on the STREET

I LOST CONTROL AND TOOK A LEAVE OF ABSENCE

hen I first called CAPS last May, I didn’t know that I had an eating disorder, much less understand the extent to which recovering from it would shape the next year of my life. Things came to a head in the middle of a Tuesday night last December. I sat slouched against the concrete walls of Harnwell’s East stairwell on the phone with my mom, paralyzed by indecision. I couldn’t get healthier at Penn, and I couldn’t continue at Penn until I was healthier. It only took one sentence to confirm what I already knew: “I think you should come home.” I bet that, like me, many of you have a plan. It might be painstakingly laid out on a spreadsheet, or it might simply be an idea of where you want to be in a year or five. It involves being “successful,” meaning that you’re great at your job, loved by all, and doing everything effortlessly. When I decided to take a leave of absence, I was afraid to disrupt my plan and to lose the sense of control it gave me. I was even more scared to admit – to my peers, my family, and myself – that I was struggling. My struggles at Penn were defined equally by my experiences before I arrived on campus and what I experienced once I was here. The mindsets that had fed my eating disorder— perfectionism, ambition, need for control—ran much deeper. Before college, I gained control by planning for the future. I convinced myself that by following a defined path to a defined point, I’d finally find happiness. Throughout high school, the defined point was Penn. I believed it was the place where my life would really begin. I had been excited to be in an environment of driven and passionate people; “pre-professional” didn’t scare me off, because that was how I saw myself. And then all of a sudden I was here, living this future I’d so meticulously planned. I didn’t feel happy at all – I felt betrayed. I thought Penn had let me down. While I had expected to be around driven people, I found a competitive culture that extended far beyond the classroom. I found a culture that prioritized getting

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ELISE REYNOLDS

a good job over following a passion, or at least couldn’t distinguish between the two. I tried my best to compete, changing who I was in an attempt to belong. As I became someone I wasn’t, I was left with a crippling social anxiety: if I didn’t like me, how could anyone else? I now realize that in many ways, Penn is exactly

what I expected it to be. But I'm not who I expected me to be. Over the course of my freshman year, I started to get a feeling that I was headed for a future that I’d once written about in a college essay but no longer particularly wanted. I felt stuck on a treadmill going a little too fast. Everyone around me seemed to know what they were doing, and I needed to keep up. Questioning my future plans for the first time, I felt out of control. So I coped in the only way I knew: by making myself smaller. My eating disorder really started in earnest the day that I bought a scale. Before I knew it, weight had replaced grades as the most important number in my life. Caught up in the obsession,

Taking time off to recover from an eating disorder

I initially couldn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t see that weighing myself several times a day wasn’t normal. After several months, I sought help. Therapy was useful, but addressing my eating disorder made it hard to go about my life as a student, and the physical nature of the mental illness made it harder still. One day near Thanksgiving, my therapist suggested that I needed treatment – treatment that I couldn’t get while still a student. Initially, I continued to maintain that I would be okay. I was reluctant to let go of the image of perfection that I had cultivated my whole life. I thought I didn’t really need time off. I could make it through the next five semesters. The suggestion that I needed more help intensified what I was already experiencing, and taking time off went from a possibility to a necessity. A week later, after that night in the Harnwell stairs, I applied to take a leave of absence. On leave, I’ve made great strides toward recovering my physical and mental health, but I’ve also come out with a more fluid understanding of my future. For the first time, I’m okay not knowing what I’m doing when I graduate or what I’m having for dinner, and coming back to Penn with that mentality will serve me well. I know that it’ll be difficult to balance the demands of being a student with the continuing demands of recovery. But I also know that I’m returning with a healthier body, a strong support system, and a better understanding of myself. In many ways, Penn will never be the perfect place for me, but I’m committed to finding ways to make it work — to engage with people and experiences because they fulfill me, not because they’ll look good on a resume or in an Instagram post. Your version of taking time probably won’t look the same. It might be taking a semester to work or to chill at home. It might be taking a weekend away from campus with friends. It might be taking those few empty hours between classes to go for a walk in Clark Park. Whatever it is, I hope you find it. We can take our time.

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: CONNOR AUGUSTINE Think you're exhausted already this semester? You haven't heard about Connor's NSO.

Street: You must have been super busy last week during NSO. What have your NSOs been like since you joined the Transfer Student Organization? Connor Augustine: It’s kind of a combination between being the overseer of the TSO (Transfer Student Organization) and dealing with specific incoming transfers. Every year we get about 150 new transfer students entering as sophomores and juniors, and

when you come in as a transfer you are immediately welcomed by this amazing infrastructure of support. I didn't realize until after my sophomore NSO that my orientation was completely designed and implemented by other transfer students and people who just really care about helping them integrate. I thought that there were all these adults behind the scenes making everything happen, and that’s certainly true to a certain extent, but it’s actually pretty disconnected from the administration. I honestly love transfer NSO. It’s great every year to meet people who are collectively in love with Penn, but have so many different back-

NAME: CONNOR AUGUSTINE HOMETOWN: PHILADELPHIA, PA MAJOR: POLITICAL SCIENCE ACTIVITIES: TRANSFER STUDENT ORGANIZATION, PENN EDUCATION SOCIETY, PENN SID, PENN RECORD

grounds. They’re coming from all walks of life and different universities, and they’ve already had a year or two under their belt, so it’s kind of an amazing rush of fresh air to just hear them speak about why they came to Penn, why they decided to persevere and make it here. It's different than the freshman experience for sure. The second part of my role is to help out NSO coordinators — basically just driving around in golf carts. Last year I was actually the photographer for NSO, so all week I was running around, mostly just following Amy G. Street: Besides the work the TSO does, is there anything Penn students should be doing to make transfers feel more comfortable here? CA: Just give a fuck about transfers, and value them for their external viewpoint. These people aren't freshmen — they have a year of college under their belt. They're coming from universities that are probably doing things a bit differently, if not entirely differently, and that's going to completely change the perspective that they have here. Some people choose to drop the identifier of “transfer” after they’re here for a little bit, and others want to hold onto it and associate with the larger body of transfers, but either way it can really be amazing to hear how people are doing things differently at other universities. I think that across the board at Penn, no matter what club or leadership position you’re in, embracing that viewpoint is so precious. It's refreshing.

BY HALEY WEISS

CA: To be completely honest, I didn't really think about Penn while I was at Drexel. I came here because I was more or less unsatisfied with the breadth of Drexel’s offerings in liberal arts and political science. I was doing some community outreach working within schools there every week, as was mandated by Drexel, and I just kind of started to look towards Penn. I was fascinated by the Netter Center. And then we found out that because my mom is a nurse at HUP, she was contractually eligible to receive a tuition. The second we read that tiny detail in her contract I was like, “To hell with it, I might as well apply.” So I just put my head down and got to grind that entire year, and it paid off.

near and dear to my heart. If you walk down Fairmount Avenue you can get all the way from the art museum to the Divine Lorraine Hotel, which is a pretty bustling place now. I used to go exploring in it when it was still dilapidated. The Italian Market is also incredible. And I do hear people talk about going to the Italian Market, but instead of it being the point of a trip downtown people need to start using it just as a jumping off point! That neighborhood is so culturally abundant, filled with so many different subcultures of so many different eastern Asian groups. There are all these little pockets where you can find ridiculously amazing fermented fishes and whatnot. Go and explore. Street: Anything I didn’t ask you that you want to talk about? CA: I’m a chef! I realized this summer that the city was kind of draining for me having been here my whole life, so I worked as a chef for about two months at a restaurant in South Jersey. It was probably the most dysfunctional work environment ever as far as nonchalant… unsavory people. But I loved it. I was just thriving there, doing my own thing, bonding with my sister. I love to cook - I will cook for literally anyone on campus if they provide some ingredients.

Street: Care to weigh in on the Penn vs. Drexel tension? CA: I mean, I think there's some difference between the two schools, but it's honestly kind of arbitrary. Both schools are so insular. I think that people come to University City in general and rely on it to produce all of their cultural engagement, which really limits their views to this little environment. And University City is definitely a booming place now, but I always encourage all of my transfer babies to go past the river! I tell them, "That's your first step to becoming enlightened." And then, once you get past the river, Street: Yum. Can we publicize don't settle for Rittenhouse or that? Spruce Street. Just because you see CA: Absolutely. it all over Instagram doesn't mean it's the only hot spot!

Street: As a Philly native, what are some places in the city you think more people should visit Street: You have an especially or explore during their time interesting viewpoint, having here? transferred from Drexel. Why’d CA: I grew up in Fairmount, so you make the switch? the art museum area is definitely A U G U S T 3 0 , 2 017 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

MUSIC

MY LAST FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:

SONGS FROM THE START OF EVERY SCHOOL YEAR MICHELLE PEREIRA

Six songs that have defined my Penn experience.

SOPHOMORE YEAR August is a hectic month. Ever since I can remember August has meant back to school shopping, pre–season volleyball, and of course the start of a new and exciting school year. Yet, this chaotic yearly routine seems to be drawing to a close for me. It dawned on me that this will be my last first day of school for probably ever (unless I go to law school or grad school, but let’s face it, it’s just not the same). As sentimental seniors are wont to do, I’ve been reflecting on my time at Penn, and the songs that have defined my Penn experience. For me, there’s something so visceral and so nostalgic about hearing a song that’s closely related to a specific time or memory. Here are six that remind me of each of my fall semesters.

FRESHMAN YEAR “RIPTIDE” BY VANCE JOY I first heard “Riptide” as a second semester senior in high school. I remember being spooked by Vance Joy’s eery music video, and not quite understanding why the song was so popular. Once I came to Penn and was thrown into the bedlam of failed exams, botched practices, and friends that didn’t quite replace my friends from home, the ghostly lyrics took on a new meaning for me. “BLACK WIDOW” BY IGGY AZALEA “Black Widow” was the first song I danced to in college. I vividly remember screaming “Gonna love you like a black widow baby,” with my teammates and being in awe of Iggy’s general badass–ery. It was an NSO classic.

“HIT THE QUAN” BY ILOVEMEMPHIS "Hit the Quan" was not just a song, but a sensation. It was also the first song I learned all of the dance moves to; my team choreographed it, and we all “hit the quan” together in the locker room before games. “Hit the Quan” has a special place in my heart—as I awkwardly “got down low and swung my arms” surrounded by the rest of my team, I remember feeling as if I had finally found my people, and was a part of something special. “HELLO” BY ADELE I’m a closet Adele fan. For me, “Hello,” perfectly captured that feeling of isolation, of distance, and of course regret–tinged questions of “What if?” I had an incredible freshman year at Penn, but I wasn’t quite sure if I was ready to let go of home quiet yet. Being back with all of my high school friends over the summer made me understand Adele’s raw delivery of the line, “Hello from the outside.”

JUNIOR YEAR “THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME FOR” BY CALVIN HARRIS Ever since hearing the futuristic, robotic synth of “This Is the Industry” in 2007, Calvin Harris has been a musician who captured my interest. Flash forward nine years later to the smash hit of “This Is What You Came For.” What’s better than Calvin Harris? Calvin Harris and Rihanna. “CLOSER” BY THE CHAINSMOKERS “Closer” was an instant classic. I don’t think I went to a pre–game or a party that fall without hearing this song. It was everywhere. Beyond being popular, though, “Closer” was a song that made me realize that youth only lasts so long (dramatic, I know). It was a brutal wake–up that I was more than halfway through college.

THREE SIX NINE, DAMN DAMN FINE, TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, GET LOW, GET LOW, GET LOW GET LOW GET LOW TO THE WINDOOOOW TO THE WAL(NUT), TO THE WAL(NUT) AW STREET STREET MOTHAFUCKA, AW STREET STREET GODDAMN READ MORE OF OUR BEAUTIFUL WORDS: 34ST.COM 6

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SUMMER ALBUMS

MUSIC

WE STILL CAN'T GET OVER

MELODRAMA — LORDE

A stunning follow–up to her 2013 debut, Lorde’s Melodrama reaches a level of sophistication that would be impressive from a veteran in the music industry, let alone a 20–year–old with just one album under her belt. Bleachers’ Jack Antonoff contributes his producing genius to create a dynamic album that thrives off of electro– beats, Lorde’s signature complex–yet–relatable lyrical style and even some heavy guitars thrown in there for good measure. Melodrama is anything other than what the title suggests—it’s real and raw and relatable. Lorde bares pieces of her soul in “Writer In The Dark” and “Liability” exposing the pain we all feel from heartbreak and handling insecurities. She explores the common complexities of navigating the relationships we form while drunk in “Sober.” In potentially even topping Pure Heroine, Lorde has proven to us that she is not to be underestimated, and Melodrama is certainly worth the four years we waited for it. Highlights: The Louvre, Homemade Dynamite

SOMETHING TO TELL YOU — HAIM

HAIM resurfaced this summer, and we are very, very grateful they did. The way–too–highly–anticipated sophomore effort from arguably the coolest family in the music industry exceeded expectations in soundtracking what you might recognize

as your current relationship status—the thrill, the love, the loss, the heartbreak, the confidence—through what they’re calling "spacious pop–rock" (read: electric guitar, breathy vocals, punchy beats). Highlights: Little of Your Love, Right Now, Walking Away

DAMN. — KENDRICK LAMAR

With his fourth studio release Kendrick proves why he is one of the best—if not the best—rappers and artists in the game. In 55 minutes, Lamar tells you his life’s story and destiny, spinning lyrical webs of past, present, and future. In a departure from the uplifting air of his last project To Pimp a Butterfly, DAMN. goes back to the roots of rap in a showcase of killer lines and electrifying beats. The album is as

diverse as it is complex, filled with both radio bangers (“HUMBLE.,” “LOYALTY.”) and furious rhymes reminiscent of the mid–90’s (“DNA.,” “LUST.,” etc.). Appearances from industry icons —U2 and Rihanna are featured on tracks “XXX.” and “LOYALTY.” With it’s

uniquely brilliant combination of critical acclaim and personal expression, DAMN. raised the bar not only for Kendrick but for what a rap artist and a rap album should be.

Back to School S a l e September 8 - 10 Everything in the store is 10-60% off

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VICE & VIRTUE

PROMISES TO MAKE TO YOUR VAGINA

Some people will tell you that resolutions are meant for a specific season; they are to be done in the middle of the winter, at the beginning of the each new calendar year. However, myself and your vagina would beg to differ. Although New Year’s Resolutions have their place, resolutions are best made when your schedule is about to solidify and your focus is about to shift (Read: the beginning of the school year). Now is an ideal time to get your priorities set, especially in regards to your sexual health. It’s not always easy to know where to start with this kind of journey, so Street has compiled a list of five start–of–year promises that you should make to your vagina to get you started. These are simple to achieve and beneficial to say the least. Feel free to commit to any and all of the upcoming five—your vagina will thank you.

1. PROTECT HER FROM STDS. How you decide to do this is up to you; we highly recommend using condoms regularly unless you’re 100% sure that your partner is 100% clean (it's also just safe practice). According to CDC data, people aged 15–24 are accountable for half

gotta monitor what’s going on down there. An annual STD test is cheap (between $10 and $30) and easily administered by SHS. Plus, they’ll even put the charge under a fake name 2. KEEP TABS ON HER to keep your parents from askHEALTH STATUS. ing questions about the small In order to know how well bill. Time to commit yourself resolution #1 is going, you’ve to getting “cold medicine” evof all STD infections each year. Now everybody take some rubbers. (Ed. note: this applies just as strongly to all you men and your penises.)

WELCOME BACK!

It’s not too early to start looking for housing for next year! Call us today. We’d love to help you find a great place!

www.apartmentsatpenn.com 215.222.0222

At Penn, At Home. 8

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ery so often this year. Start with a preliminary test to see that everything is settled after your steamy summer fling, and promise to keep up the practice. Your vagina and your future partners will thank you. (Ed. note: see ed. note #1.) 3. GET TO KNOW HER. Vaginas are complex beings, and if you ever expect anyone else to figure yours out, you’re going to have to do it first. There’s nothing shameful or inherently dirty about female masturbation or figuring out what you like, no matter how much our society tries to tell you there is. It is a healthy and integral part of the female sexual experience, just as much as it is for males. Ignore the haters and do your thing. Find out what works for you.

Worthwhile resolutions for the new school year LILY SNIDER

a bit; make sure she’s all good. Take a quick bathroom break and get a minute to yourself to evaluate the situation. One simple pee break post–sex prevents most UTIs. You and your vaginal health are worth one simple pee break.

5. DECIDE ON WHAT BIRTH CONTROL YOU’LL USE FOR HER, IF ANY AT ALL. You’ve just gotten your semester schedule, so you know what time might be best for you to regularly take your pill of choice. Or, if you’ve been thinking about some other method for a while now, take advantage of a semi–light workload in early fall and schedule an appointment to get your IUD or other comparable device. If you don’t want to use invasive methods, start now with tracking your 4. CHECK IN WITH HER cycle so you can estimate your IMMEDIATELY POST- levels of fertility and plan acSEX. cordingly. Nowadays, there’s She’s just gone through quite even an app for that.

VICE & VIRTUE

HOW TO GET OVER A SUMMER FLING IN THREE SIMPLE STEPS Helpful advice from your local serial dater Summer’s over, and gone are the days of internship–levels of DGAF, pool parties, the shitty–but–also–kinda–nostalgia– evoking waitressing job, and of course, your summer fling. Letting go of summer doesn't always suck: replacing beach days with study days, work friends with school friends, and late nights for more late nights (but early mornings) are all routine seasonal changes. But deleting your summer fling from memory may be a little harder. They keep running around in your brain and making it hard to enjoy your new singleness every *single* night of your first week back. While your summer fling may have been great, it’s time to get over it and move on with your new, exciting life at Penn. Here are Street’s three pieces of advice to get over your summer fling as quickly as possible, and get back into the game on campus. ACCEPT IT'S TOTALLY OVER. I REPEAT. OVER. Did he go to another sexy Ivy and speak in sonnets by the poolside? Romantic. Did he already graduate and flirt with you over slides in the research lab? Hot. But it doesn't matter. Because do you know what’s not hot? Spending your first months of school taking long road trips in the middle of

NOA BAKER

midterm week to see bae for two hours and have mediocre sex in a random college dorm room without any real plan for a sustainable relationship. Summer flings are short and temporary. It isn’t coming back, and it might not get any better; let it go on a sweet note. GET OUT! Why have you been inside for a week? Really though, moping is your worst enemy right now. Remember that we already accepted (in step 1, keep up) that your summer fling is over. Totally. Over. So why are you wasting precious time looking at weird selfies you took together at the beach that one time? Keep busy: pick up a hobby (like knitting!), go to a party, have brunch. You can't move on if you aren't having more fun without them. DOWNLOAD TINDER Swipe!! This is self explanatory. You need a new bae, if only to distract yourself for a few weeks before realizing that you are a powerful and independent human being. It's important to remind yourself that they were NOT the only hot/sexy/smart/ funny dude/chick out there. The beginning of the semester is a perfect time to pick up a new cutie—so get out there and do your thang.

EVERYBODY, ROCK YOUR BODY. BACK STREET'S BACK, ALRIGHT. (IT'S A PUN ON BACKSTREET BOYS. LIKE, "BACKSTREET'S BACK," BUT ALSO, STREET REALLY IS BACK. PRETTY GOOD WORD PLAY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. SOLID.)

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History, Mystery, and Intrigue:

Penn's Hidden Gems

If you were too busy daydreaming on your Penn tour to remember the fact that the Quad was built in 1492 or the name of William Henry Harrison’s frat, we’ve created our own map of Penn landmarks every incoming student should know. These are the places and spaces your campus tour guide didn’t show you, your college guidance counselor didn’t advertise to you, and not even College Confidential could have turned you onto.

CATACOMBS

(3700 Spruce St)

The rumors are true: there are tunnels under the Quad. Yup. These are the places of freshman lore, of late night smoking and dusty pregaming. Most freshmen living in the Quad hear whispers of the place from upperclassmen, and many older Penn alums can attest to their nocturnal visits there. The Catacombs run the length of the the dorms, from Lower Quad Gate to upper Quad Gate, and are accessible from a boiler room under Bishop White or the garbage room ladder at Upper Quad Gate. The majority of the steam tunnel runs parallel to Spruce, though smaller arteries allow travel

underneath the Quad’s courtyards, including a walkway that connects to the McClelland dining hall. Though mainly used for storage, the pest–ridden crawl space has several small rooms with enough space to sit down, where graffiti, burned joints, and discarded alcohol bottles provide evidence of prior student visitation. The Catacombs may be one of the few “secret spots” on campus, but are undoubtedly worth visiting for new residents in the Quad, as are the less–traveled corridors underneath the Upper Quad courtyard and the abandoned dorm spaces underneath the Baby Quad and Speakman hall.

LEA LIBRARY

(3420 Walnut St)

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We know you’ve seen pics of it on Instagram and wondered where exactly on campus this gem is located. The Lea Library is a library within a library in the Kislak Center on the 6th floor of Van Pelt, encapsulated in gorgeous wood paneling, and complete with an elegant fireplace, second story catwalk, grandfather clock and all. It’s unrivaled in beauty by anything else in VP, and not even the lighting in the sixth floor bathrooms can touch this antique beauty. The library previously resided in Charles Lea’s 2000 Walnut St. rowhouse, where a Saxby’s currently stands. His manuscripts and were donated to Penn and were housed in a special wing of Fisher Fine Arts, before they were transferred to VP after its building. Lea’s library was reconstructed in its entirety—walls, collections, and everything. Though some classes have the privilege of meeting in the storied library, most students must request a tour or ask to look at manuscripts in the collection. Much of the library is devoted to Lea’s interest in the Inquisition and Church history; however, there there are also selections on witchcraft and demonology, all available for your research viewing or pleasure.

NICK JOYNER JULIA BELL

Simple and self-explanatory, the luscious rooftop of the nanotech building is the best lunch spot on campus. The building looks like something straight out of 2001: A Space BIDDLE LAW Odyssey, but its top floor is a LIBRARY different story. As part of a (3400 Chestnut St) project by local landscape architect Roofmeadow, the roof Sure, it’s no secret, but it's is planted with local grasses, certainly underrated—and a trees, and blooming perennial beautiful study space for law flowers. Benches and tables and non–law students alike. provide seating in this urban Located on Sansom right across oasis, which is accessible from Avril 50, it’s a stone’s during class hours with your throw from King’s Court and PennCard and during other a nice change of scenery when times by friendly researchers VP is overstuffed. Anyone who will open the door if you can get into the space, except look pitiful enough. during finals season. This overlooked spot has numerous carrels and enough long study tables to make Elle Woods cry. If it was open later than midnight, it would be a true PHILOMATHEAN five–star cramming spot.

HALLS

(College Hall)

SINGH CENTER FOR NANOTECHNOLOGY GREENROOF (3205 Walnut St)

High up above College Green on the fourth floor of College Hall are the Philomathean Halls, the residence of the Philomathean Society, the university’s oldest and first student group. The Halls were built specifically for the membership during College Hall’s construction in 1872, and contain an art gallery, meeting room, and library, all trimmed with intricate wood detailing and enough rare books, candelabras, and antique oddities to make your head spin. The striking views of College Green and Center City ain’t nothing to scoff at either. Though the

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space is locked and reserved for member use, the society hosts a number of open events to invite the general public into the space, including biweekly Friday night meetings.

“ARTHUR ROSS GALLERY” (220 S. 34th St)

DR. WILLIAM PEPPER STATUE

Although it has the distinction of being the only place on campus where unzipping your (3400 Spruce St) backpack is a crime against silence, the Fisher Fine Arts Library is more than just a quiet study spot. It contains the Arthur Ross Did you know Dr. Pepper Gallery, a free went to Penn? And that he was gallery that has been a Penn Provost? This school has open to the public since 1983. such distinguished alumni! The ARG occasionally features student work, but displays a wide range of artists, like Japanese print–makers, Lakota

weavers, and Soviet propagandists. Even though the docents are Penn students, most Quakers don’t know the gallery is tucked away on the side of the entrance Fisher.

THE PENN MUSEUM CAFÉ (3260 Spruce St)

to tempt even non–Anthropology majors to go to the museum. Although getting there is more of a hike than Hub Bub, it’s one of the most underrated study spots on campus. The café has a student–discounted lunch that actually tastes good (a feat—we know). The glass walls of the café provide a view of the museum gardens, which offer a lush backdrop to drinking three cups of the café’s coffee and weeping onto your keyboard.

ROMAN COLUMNS

(220 S. 34th If you haven’t been to the Penn Museum since the NSO St) toga party, you’re missing out Penn is one of the oldest on their café. The Pepper Mill universities in the country, but Café on the second floor of the there are things on campus that Penn Museum is good enough predate even Benny Franks. For example, 2,000–year–old Roman columns decorate the En-

gineering Quad and are used as benches by students. The columns were a gift from King Hussein of Jordan to Philadelphia in 1976, and they have languished in the Quad ever since. There is no sign indicating the columns’ age or significance, or any immediate plans to remove them to a safer location. Until then, enjoy your lunch on a stone as old as the Gregorian calendar.

LIGHTBOX FILM CENTER (3701 Chestnut St)

Penn has had an independent film house in our midst since 1979, and it’s been painfully underappreciated. Housed in the International House, most students are only familiar with the build-

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ing for the abroad advising it provides. But up a floor inside the housing residence, Lightbox Film Center has continued to host film festivals, screen movies, and invite industry luminaries to speak. The unassuming little theater shows multiple titles weekly, usually in some sort of thematic series or retrospective. It has both 16mm and 35mm film projectors, and enough events to make a film buff cry.

back of the Quad, but it isn’t visible from the footpath and freshmen discovering it for the first time will wonder how they never noticed the picnic table or clouds of wafting smoke.

The riots were triggered over the years by events such as beating Princeton in football, a highly anticipated but disappointing comet, excitement over panty raids, rebellion against hazing, an unrelated act of arson, “balmy spring weather,” and the Academy Awards.

ing, playing instruments, singing, waving flags, and giving speeches about the U.S. government. In 1996, she committed suicide by dousing herself with gasoline and lighting herself on fire in front of the “Peace Symbol” sculpture to draw attention to her causes.

PEACE SYMBOL

DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN BUILDING

MCCLELLAND HALL IN THE QUAD (3700 Spruce St)

In 1966, students hung an effigy of the dean over the entrance to McClelland hall.

(3400 Locust Walk)

THE BIOPOND

(433 S. University Ave.) The BioPond is part of the oldest green space on Penn’s campus, but students don’t revere it for its history. The BioPond is a place to escape the hustle and bustle of the Quad and imagine that this is what it would be like to go to Williams, right? By day, the BioPond is the site of Biology class research projects and thwarted turtle euthanization, but by night it transforms into recess for freshmen. The BioPond is only a few paces from the

The reason for the protest? The dean had refused to extend women’s visiting hours in men’s dormitories. When students tried to expand their demonstration, campus police sealed the exit the Quad. About a hundred students tried to escape by climbing over a fence, which collapsed and injured a freshman. The protest was part of the recurring Rowbottom riots, a discontinued Penn tradition.

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The “Peace Symbol” sculpture might be unnoticed by someone scurrying to class. It isn’t as central as The Button or as vivid as The Tampons, but it’s more storied than both. “Peace Symbol” was originally erected by sculptor Robert Engman and eight Penn students in 1969 to protest American aggression in Vietnam. At first, it was a site of protests against the Vietnam War, and the University’s reluctance to condemn it. After the war ended, activism at the “Peace Symbol” was reignited by the death of Kathy Change. The Philadelphia activist and artist on College Green for nearly 20 years, danc-

folk of West Philadelphia to store and protect their furs and fineries during the summertime, when they would elope to their estival homes. It went through several stages of ownership before Penn nearly 40 years ago, and has since been registered in the National Register of Historic places, protecting it from significant remodeling and destruction.

(4015 Walnut St)

We promise this isn’t a self promotion. The Daily Pennsylvanian shares its building at 4015 Walnut with Metropolitan Bakery, Slought Gallery, and the less-publicized fivefloor University Archives and Record Center, in a piece of real estate rife with ritzy history. The tall columned Grecian facade matches exactly zero of the surrounding architecture, complete with stained glass and glazed terra cotta that makes it look like an overwrought bank that a villain in a superhero movie would rob. It was in fact a bank at one point, but was not built for that purpose. Atlas Storage Warehouse Company built the space in the 1920s, to serve as a storage space for the rich

NICK JOYNER AND JULIA BELL BOTH ARE JUNIORS AND ARE THE FEATURE EDITORS OF 34TH STREET

university square

kick off the fall semester JUST STEPS AWAY IN UNIVERSITY SQUARE! ADOLF BIECKER STUDIO • ANN TAYLOR LOFT • AT&T • BLUEMERCURY • BEIJING RESTAURANT • BEN AND JERRY’S • BLARNEY STONE • BONDED CLEANERS • BRYSI • CAMPUS HAIR, SKIN & NAIL SALON • CAVANAUGH’S TAVERN • CINEMARK THEATER • CITIZENS BANK • COMPUTER CONNECTION • COSI • CVS • DUNKIN DONUTS • EYEGLASS ENCOUNTERS • FEDERAL DONUTS • GREEK LADY • HELLO WORLD • HIP CITY VEG • HONEYGROW • HOUSE OF OUR OWN • INN AT PENN • JOSEPH ANTHONY HAIR SALON • KITCHEN GIA • KIWI YOGURT • LAST WORD BOOKSTORE • MODERN EYE • METROPOLITAN BAKERY • NATURAL SHOE • NEW DECK TAVERN • O’CHATTO • PENN BOOK CENTER • PENN BOOKSTORE • PHILADELPHIA RUNNER • PHILLY PRETZEL FACTORY /PHILLY IS NUTS! • PIPER BOUTIQUE • POD RESTAURANT • QDOBA • SAXBY’S COFFEE • SMOKEY JOE’S • TD BANK • UNITED BY BLUE • URBAN OUTFITTERS • U.S. POST OFFICE • UPS STORE • VERIZON • WAWA

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FILM AND TV

MY FRESHMAN YEAR IN MOVIES BEHIND & BETWEEN SCENES CATALINA DRAGOI

1. September – Parties: Dazed and Confused (1993)

I find myself running up and down a street that isn’t sufficiently lit, surrounded by a large group of people. A few of them are from my hall, and seem pretty cool; the others—well, I’m kind of struggling to remember their names, or any other distinguishing features. One girl asks if we know where we’re going. Rebecca says Alex (her distant cousin’s even–more– distant friend) just texted her that his frat is “totally lit right now.” Before I get a chance to ask where it is, I’m witnessing a keg stand. People are drinking, laughing, shouting, throwing up or making out. I can’t help but think that all but one fall into one of three categories: the dazed, the confused, and the overly confident. I hear one guy say, “look at all the fresh meat!” There’s Woody.

2. October – The Professor: Les Amours Imaginaires (2010)

It’s almost 9 p.m. and I’m on my way to a makeshift theater on 34th and Walnut when I hear my phone buzzing. It’s an email from my Philosophy professor saying that tonight’s Dolan screening is canceled. I turn around, happy that I get to re–watch one of my favorite films while lying in my (not exactly comfortable) Quad bed. The next day in class, we discuss some relevant scenes, and I get a bit too passionate. I don’t even know where the three hours go, but after class I feel like I want to go out for a smoke. The professor sees me and joins me. We talk about traveling, books and movies. He asks me if I’m considering a major in Cinema Studies, but I tell him that I’m happier with PPE. He looks like he’s ready to leave, but not before reminding me that I could always double–major if I wanted to. I’m starting to believe I want to.

3. November – Date: Lost in Translation (2003)

We’ve been walking around for hours. He has fantastic taste in music, and is kind of shy in a sweet way. I’m far from being bored—in fact, I think this is one of the most interesting conversations I’ve had since I’ve been here—but I’m starting to get cold since it’s 3 a.m. and late fall. He gives me his jacket, then he asks what my favorite movie is. I tell him that this is like asking a mother to pick one of her children over the others. He laughs, and he suggests going back to his place to watch Lost in Translation. I remember I don’t particularly like that one, but I agree anyway. For the first time, I believe I might enjoy it. But it’s late and I’m feeling comfortable in his arms, so I fall asleep. The next morning, he suggests he

helps me with my Nietzsche paper, but I refuse. Instead, I hurry back home and finally watch Lost in Translation. I see him across a crowded room at a party a few days later. He looks back and smiles. We don’t talk to each other.

4. December – Homesickness: Solaris (1972)

The VP basement turns into the pits of despair after 3 a.m. I’m trying to study for my dreadful Econ final, but I can’t focus. Graphs seem to morph into each other, and with every second I feel like I’m getting farther and farther from the B I’m hoping for. I realize that I’m being anything but productive, so I decide to get some sleep. On my way back to the Quad, a feeling of longing hits me. Even if I tried to describe to someone, I wouldn’t know how to—as far as I know, there are no English words for “dor." The truth is I want to go home—not to my room or the all– too–familiar friends’ suite in NCH, but to the home that’s anything but within reach. Out of the blue, I remember watching Solaris with my father, and I think this is how Kelvin must have felt being so far away from Earth. I fall asleep with the number fourteen on my mind: I’ve got fourteen days and a fourteen–hour flight before I get to use my own words.

5. May – Gratitude: La Grande Bellezza (2013)

This night might be a cliché: the sky is free of clouds, so you can clearly see the stars, and our campus smells like freshly mown grass. It’s a bit windy, but it’s warm enough to go out for a stroll. Exams are over. All of my friends are back at their homes, so I’m walking around by myself. Not that I wanted any company—I’m going to make this night more of a cliché by taking some time to reflect. This was it, I think. This was my freshman year, even though I don’t know where it went. Was it everything I thought it would be? I honestly can’t tell. I don’t know if I had any expectations to begin with. If I did, I don’t remember. What I know for sure is that right now I feel like the Jep Gambardella of University City—if University City was Rome and Jep Gambardella was a somewhat confused nineteen–year–old girl. At least we have one thing in common: we both learned that there is beauty in life itself—ups and downs don’t matter as long as, in the end, you feel grateful. And I do feel grateful—for being here, for my friends, for all of the beautiful moments that are now memories, and for the not–so–beautiful ones that have turned into valuable lessons. But most of all, I am thankful for myself: for carrying myself through the bad times and for learning how to appreciate the good ones. Perhaps my greatest resolution for sophomore year is to be less of a cliché—but until that happens, I’ll just enjoy my last night here. A U G U S T 3 0 , 2 017 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

STREET'S GUIDE TO

ARTS

THE PHILLY FRINGE FEST Every September, the Fringe Festival transforms Philadelphia into a hub of experimental performances. Organized by FringeArts, a contemporary performing arts center on the Delaware River Waterfront, the festival showcases dance, theatre and experimental performance. Here's what Street's looking forward to:

1. Hello Blackout What’s It About: Set before, during and after the Big Bang, a celestial family adjusts to the changes rocking their (and everyone else’s) universe. Part comedy and part horror story, the Kissimmee’s family drama presents lessons in how to deal with the unpredictability of life itself. Choreographed to a score by composer Bob Rainey, the show features live music from a talented string quintet in addition to the five person cast. Why You Should Go: Student tickets are only $15 (half the price of adult tickets), and the cast and director studied modern day philosophers' methods of predicting the future. That's certainly more effort than you put into studying for your Social Contract class. Sept 5th–17th

The Proscenium Theatre at The Drake 8:00 PM (9:00 the 13th–15th)

2. Ghost Rings What’s It About: Structured as a live concert and lead by singers Erin Markey and Kristen Sleh, this show blends magical realism and a feminist narrative to explore personal relationships. Both a drama and a musical experience, the show charts the course of its leads’ many romantic relationships through their adolescent and young adult years. Why You Should Go: The theatre company putting on the show, Half Straddle, won an Obie award (Off Broadway Theatre Award) for its last two productions "In the Pony Palace" and "Football." Sept 8th and 9th Painted Bride Art Center 8:00 PM 3. Megapolis Audio Festival What’s It About: A series of daytime and nighttime events by radio producers, musicians, documentarians and other audio professionals that push the boundaries of art and sound. Events include Radio Atlas, an expose of English subtitled foreign doc-

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The most relevant guide to Philly’s nearly month long festival of insane indie theatre.

umentaries, Blevin Blectrum with Radio Wonderland’s ode to FM radio and multimedia performance art and Xiu Xiu with Mia Zabelka, a musical collective whose show blends minimalism, post punk and folk.

Nathalie Du Pasquier: BIG OBJECTS NOT ALWAYS SILENT, when you make the trip.

Why You Should Go: Xiu Xiu and Mia Zabelka are playing at Johnny Brenda’s September 17th, which gives you and your squad an excuse for a Fishtown Bar Crawl.

5. Two–Man, One–Man What’s It About: A three–man show about two one–man shows. Arnold, a highbrow artist, and Miles, a goofy comedian, both find their respective shows scheduled for the same night resulting in a battle for the spotlight. With a runtime of just under an hour, this indie comedy hopes to teach its audience about the intersections between art and friendship.

Sept 16th-17th Various Locations 4. Speech/Acts What’s It About: This exhibition explores experimental black poetry and how the cultural constructs of language have shaped the black American experience. Speech/ Acts seeks to allow audience participation, challenge social realities and illuminate slippages between speech and noise. The exhibition distributes individual catalogues of works by Fred Moten and Harryette Mullens as well as an essay by the curator. Why You Should Go: Admission is free for all and the ICA is only a short walk from your classes at 36th and Sansom. Be sure to see the ICA’s other opening exhibition,

Sept 13th–Dec 23rd Institute of Contemporary Art, Philadelphia

Why You Should Go: The cast and production staff is all current Penn students or alums. Produced by Becca Lambright (C'19) and starring alums Ben Behrend (C'16) and Patrick Romano (C'16), this show is rife with familiar faces. Several other Penn students are involved in the cast and crew of this show. Sept 19th, 20th and 22nd The Playground at the Adrienne 8:00 and 11:00 PM MICHAELA TINKEY

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

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34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

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Wouldn’t Wouldn’t Wouldn’tyou you you askask Amy askAmy Amy Gutmann) Gutmann) Gutmann) watchwatchwatch-tional tional tional $20 $20 $20 les of of popcorn ofpopcorn popcor an Work from three New York–based artists aims to shatter the notnot not included includ inclu confines of language and identity through self–disclosure. tions). tions). tions). The The Th lo The exhibition will include performance, video, photography, inging seven ingseven seven mov m sculpture, and drawing with no boundaries. Go see this if lessless less than than than 3030 b you’re interested in sipping the alleged “great soup of being in many many many conven conv con which we actually live.” paid paid paid services service servi inging ing interrupt interru inter Aug 11–Sept 23 buffering buffering buffering and a FJORD Gallery immunity immunity immunity to and and and most most most imp im 1400 N. American St., #105 inging ing to towait towai w Philadelphia, PA 19122 watching watching watching 7272 m onon Megavideo onMegavid Megav Not Not Not to to me tom price price price to to pay topapw 3. ALCHEMY, TYPOLOGY, ENTROPY Dine-In, Dine-In, Dine-In, Catering Catering Catering &&Delivery &Delivery Delivery thethe big thebig picture bigpict pic savings savings savings of of the of Featuring work from: Adam Lovitz, Peter Allen Hoffmann Happy Happy Happy Hour: Hour: Hour: Mon-Fri Mon-Fri Mon-Fri 5-7 5-7 5-7 students students students who wh wp and Alexis Granwell. services services services rather rath ra Lunch Lunch Lunch Special: Special: Special: Mon-Fri Mon-Fri Mon-Fri $8.95 $8.95 $8.95 movie movie movie theater thea the Three Philly artists, three mini solo shows, three distinct coltween tween tween $196,1 $196 $19 lections of work. Abstraction, bodies, urban landscapes, geEarly Early Early Bird: Bird: Bird: Sun-Thur Sun-Thur Sun-Thur $10.95 $10.95 $10.95 depending depending dependin on ometry, time, decay. Very cool stuff. Don’t miss the chance to Netfl Netfl Netfl ix ix or ix or iT or see Alexis Granwell’s biomorphic sculptures (Penn MFA ‘07) Moral Moral Moral of of the of th in perfect disarray. judge judge judge if you if ifyou yo ju Fleisher/Ollman Gallery 1216 Arch Street, 5A Philadelphia, PA 19107

• 215.387.8533 • •215.387.8533 PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com PattayaRestaurant.com 215.387.8533 • University • •University 4006 4006 4006 Chestnut Chestnut Chestnut Street Street Street University City City City

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LOWBROW

ALL YOUR NSO QUESTIONS,

ANSWERED Will there be ice breakers?

One of the main goals of NSO is to get to know your peers. The most natural way for 18–year–olds to really get to know each other is through deep, honest conversation, usually led by an older and wiser student who tells himself that he remembers what it was like to be in your position, but really has blacked out all memory of that difficult part of his life...so yes, there will be meaningless ice breakers. How can I seem the most interesting to my new peers? Please keep in mind that here at Penn, we like to keep things interesting. While it might help to have answers to “two truths and a lie” memorized, expect more creative prompts, such as “two truths and several lies used to mislead your classmates,” and “what is your deepest, darkest, most shameful secret that you’d never tell anyone but must tell this circle of strangers?” Should I panic if I didn’t read the book for Penn Reading Project? Yes. While in the past you might have seemed totally cool for pretending not to have time for something like this, here your overachieving peers will laugh with genuine confusion when you tell them you’re

SHOSHANA STERNSTEIN

not prepared for the mandatory conversation on the book. Extensive outlines on the themes of the book are not mandatory, though highly encouraged.

I thought I knew where I was going but now I'm turned around. Where am i?

Can I bring my parents to the events?

You're on Locust. Phi Delt is that way.

To help students better acclimate to college life, many of the events at NSO are for students only. The Welcome BBQs and dessert receptions are simply not suitable for parents. However, parents are strongly encouraged to look through the fliers slid underneath the doors of their children’s dorms, and to accompany their children to these events, for they are the most suited towards parents.

Whenever I ask upperclassmen about NSO, they just say “NSO is the best week of your life.” Should I be repeating this even if I haven’t actually experienced NSO yet?

I've noticed a lot of social media posts of freshman sitting on their dorm beds. Should I do that, too? This is probably a good idea in order to fit in and complete the facade of perfection we have all yet to shake. So yes. What should I bring to NSO? Non–white sneakers, enough enthusiasm to get you to the first darty of each day, and water to stay hydrated. Optional: your Penn Reading Project book, to use as shelter from the inevitable darty rain.

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BEHIND EVERY PROJECT IS A

You are highly encouraged to repeat this exact sentence, or any variation on it, whether or not you believe it, whenever it seems fit, for the rest of your life.

LOWBROW

STUDY FINDS NSO IS ONLY THING PENN STUDENTS ARE ON TIME FOR

A team of psychology researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine have just published the results of their latest study. The findings? Compared to dozens of activities, events, and responsibilities, NSO was the only thing most Penn undergraduate students were on time for. “Even though it astounds me personally that every year thousands of students willingly cut their summer vacation short by a week to attend NSO, many won't say the results were shocking,” said one of the scientists. The study compared NSO to items like paper deadlines, 11:00 a.m. classes, family obligations, and job interviews, among others. “The same student who has never arrived less than 15 minutes late to a 1:00 p.m. lecture will come to campus three days before

Study finds NSO is only thing Penn students are on time for ANDREA BEGLEITER

NSO starts to prepare,” the study reports.

In anecdotal conversations, Penn students largely confirmed the findings. “There is literally nothing on this earth that could make me miss even one second of NSO,” one rising senior told us. "Last year I flew back early from my brother’s destination wedding to get here. Two years ago, my pastor went into cardiac arrest on August 25th and died. Where do you think I was? At NSO.” A fellow rising senior added, “NSO is really the only part of the fall semester I show up for.” Though NSO topped the list of things Penn students did in a timely manner, one event was in clear second place: pregaming for fling.

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