September 24, 2015 by 34th Street Magazine

September 24-30, 2015 34st.com

september 24 LOL

3 HIGHBROW

LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

2015

To Penn, we students are numbers from when we get here until we leave: 9.9% acceptance rate, 32 credits, 3.4 GPA, 10, 406 undergraduates, 96% graduation rate. And, as of this week, 30%—30% of undergraduate women are sexually assaulted by senior year. This is the number that made President Amy Gutmann recognize a human issue. For our university to care, we have to become a number. This week’s feature addresses the pre–Ivy culture of elite boarding schools. As the feature says, in many ways these little mini Penns are better than Penn is at acknowledging that students are humans who need support. Yes, prep schools put a lot of pressure on their students, but they give them the support to survive this pressure. Maybe Penn’s problem is that it doesn’t realize how much pressure it puts on us. It doesn’t realize that the expectation of excellence drives isolation. And no, having CAPS is not enough. Penn, the institution, needs to mandate students' well–being the same way that they implement a Physical World requirement. We need a relationship with Penn—a mutual understanding. If you require us to go to class, to achieve, to OCR, to buy textbooks: You, Penn, are required to support us. Who can we turn to when we need help? I don't want an office; I want a name. To me, Penn, the institution, is a website. And to Penn, I, a human, am a number. I haven’t spoken with my advisor since freshman NSO. I have never met my College contact. You can say that I should be reaching out, but I’m too busy trying to do everything Penn wants me to do. And when I do it, you don’t even say "good job." You turn me into a statistic. Show me your humanity, and I'll show you mine.

do not trust

4 WORD ON THE STREET penn face

5 EGO

penn religious leaders, eotw: erich kessel

LOL

7 ARTS

street art. wrought-iron, snaps

10 FEATURE

from prep school to penn

12 MUSIC LOL

LOL

study jams, if you like, your week in music

14 FILM & TV

your week in film, atonement, emmys

16 FOOD & DRINK

pumpkin everything, autumn eats, no colds

LOL

18 LOWBROW feeling religious

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH OCR TO WORK FOR US. MEETING TONIGHT: 6:30PM @ 4015 'NUT.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Director Byrne Fahey, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Yasmin Meleis, Social Media and Marketing Director Dani Blum, Features Editor Rebecca Heilweil, Features Editor Casey Quackenbush, Culture Editor Orly Greenberg, Word on the Street Editor Caroline Marques, Entertainment Editor Emily Johns, Styles Editor 2

Conor Cook, Highbrow Beat Allie Cohen, Ego Beat Carolyn Grace, Ego Beat Spencer Winson, Lowbrow Beat Caroline Harris, Lowbrow Beat Johanna Matt-Navarro, Music Beat Talia Sterman, Music Beat Emily Hason, Film and TV Beat Brandon Slotkin, Film and TV Beat Steph Barron, Arts Beat Syra Ortiz-Blanes, Arts Beat Elena Modesti, Food + Drink Beat Dina Zaret, Health, Food + Drink Beat

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Galit Krifcher, Design Editor Holly Li, Design Editor Jeffrey Yang, Design Editor

Dina Zaret, Dining Guide Editor Katie Dumke, Photo Editor Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Producer Randi Kramer, Copy Director Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman, Julie Chu Cheong, Dan Maher, Amanda Reid, Pat Goodridge, Julie Levitan Contributers: Nick Joyner, Rachel Erani Staff Photographers: Alex Fisher, Pat Goodridge Staff Designers: Mica Tenenbaum, Nadia Kim, Remi Lederman, Sofie Praestgaard, Natalie Carstens

Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Pat Goodridge, Alex Fisher and Katie Dumke. Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "I think we unmasked something different." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

11 PEOPLE YOU CAN'T TRUST Oh, humanity.

People with pencil pouches.

People who “rock” fashion Tevas. No one rocks fashion Tevas. **Does not apply to Penn Quest leaders or babies. (But stop calling them babies. They’re 18.)

People who hang "Keep Calm and

People who buy sleeveless zip–ups from the Penn Bookstore.

People who buy sleeveless zip–ups from anywhere.

" posters in their dorm rooms.

People who think it’s okay to use quotation marks around “meat items” on a vegan menu. It’s time to call a spade a spade.

People who take their shoes off in the library.

People who eat sushi from Mark's Café. That's not sushi.

People who conduct corporate practice interviews in HubBub. Just why?

who think it's okay to have a frat dog. It's 10. People not okay to have a frat dog.

11.

People who sit on the Benjamin Franklin bench. You should know by now.

THEROUNDUP Holy shit, the Pope is coming. We hope you behave yourself this weekend because his holiness doesn’t tolerate sinners. Ain’t no party like a pizza party. After attending Wharton MBA Out4Biz’s annual White Party, one senior boy found himself locked out of his apartment. Standing in the hallway of Pine Arms with a slice of Allegro pizza in hand, he loudly banged on the apartment door hoping someone inside would wake up and let him in. Unfortunately, he woke up his neighbors instead. One sleepy, grumpy neighbor berated the drunk senior and things got physical—in the heat of the moment, the neighbor punched the senior’s pizza to the ground (Ed. note: Um, the pizza is just a bystander). After an exchange

over heard PENN

of apologies, the neighbor went back into his apartment, and the senior boy, naturally, went back to Allegro to replace his slice of pizza. Thankfully, his roommate let him in the next time he got back to his apartment. On the bright side, he ended his night with some sort of pepperoni. Highbrow loves a good a boozy brunch. One senior girl got nice and shwasty at Owls brunch this weekend. After finishing her drink, she chucked her empty cup towards the Schuylkill seas. However, the security guards found this act to be so threatening to the other mingling party goers that they kicked her out. Apparently “fire in the hole!” isn’t a joke when you’re brunching on a battleship. Later, the girl tried to cook rice in an attempt to soak up some of the booze. Her efforts failed, and she set off the fire alarms in her house. Talk about a sticky (rice) situation.

Girl washing celery, carrots and cucumbers in Fisher Bennett basement women’s bathroom: I'm making salad. Kid in Huntsman Forum: I founded, like, eight non– profits in high school, and Social Impact Consulting didn’t take me? Freshman girl on urgent phone call: Is there a party at Crows? We like Crows. (Ed. note: We think you mean Owls.) Contemplative SWUG: Is it sad that I’ve come to the point with Elite Daily that I have my favorite writers that I follow to see when they post new things? Misunderstood bellydancer: I took pre–workout supplements with vodka one time and I ended up home, naked and hugging a pole.

Carpe diem—seas the day. We hear that one brunch attendee got a little seasick. As the sun shined, beats dropped and bitches brunched, one senior boy drank more than he could handle. The photographer noticed the boy wasn’t looking so good and snapped a photo of the senior (on his personal iPhone) as he puked off the boat’s side. What a nauti–boy! This photo may not end up on Facebook, but this photographer has some seriously good blackmail material. Remember kids: when it comes to drinking, don’t crack under pier pressure.

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WORD ON THE STREET

word on the STREET

BEYOND PENN FACE: THERE'S MORE TO MENTAL HEALTH BRANDON SLOTKIN

know one thing for sure: I don't know what Penn Face is supposed to be. I have a hunch about something else: Nobody else really does either.

***

My first therapy session as an adult was weird. I couldn’t sleep the night before, mired in a depression that no amount of Bruce Springsteen songs could shake off. I had stress dreams of my childhood therapy sessions, and those stray memories were all I had to inform me of the session to come. This was nothing like my childhood sessions. This went well. My second therapy session as an adult, though, was tough. My therapist identified a problem: I found ways to distract myself to ignore depression instead of dealing with it. I took up crafts, I made sure to attend every club meeting I could, I took on some extra hours at work—all so that I wouldn’t be idle, alone with my thoughts. That’s the most important thing I would eventually learn in therapy: How to stop distracting myself and to take steps to safely deal with my issues. After the session, I didn’t feel ready to go back to campus, so I ducked into my favorite deli to eat a soup and sandwich and decompress. I eventually headed back, wondering how I was going to explain to friends where I was. Eventually this would become a ritual: Go to therapy, walk across the street for deli, play Jeopardy with the waitress and an assortment of old Jews who wished I was their grandson, tweet a picture of my food, lie about where I had been. It would be months before I felt comfortable telling people about therapy.

***

I came across the term “Penn Face” for the first time in the New York Times over the summer. The paper defines it as, “the practice of acting happy and self–assured even when sad or stressed.” The article asserted that the term is “widely employed,” but a quick Google search showed me that the only real use of Penn Face came from a (probably) poorly attended panel discussion in McClelland. I think it’s fair to say that “Penn Face” only recently became a thing. Yet despite its recent origin, it’s become quite a big thing. In their open letter to Amy

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Gutmann, the Hamlett–Reed Mental Health Initiative suggested that, “a silent majority of students feel isolated, stressed and depressed. With the ‘Penn Face,’ they mask their loneliness and problems.” The UA started a steering committee to “chip away at the ‘Penn Face’ by showing the many different ‘Penn Faces’ and normalizing the sharing of struggle,” quite an ambitious goal for a steering committee. I’m sure there are students here who feel pressure from Penn Face and actually know what they mean when they use it, and I don't want to belittle their struggle. However, all three of the aforementioned institutions define Penn Face differently, and each one focuses on limited solutions. It’s actively harmful that the lynchpin of mental health activism is, essentially, a namecheck for this oversimplified and underdeveloped idea of “stress.” It’s doubly harmful that the suggested solutions for Penn Face all rely on CAPS instead of deeper, cultural fixes, and that the one institution connected to students is parroting this lame idea. We’ve allowed people who don't know what it’s like to be a Penn student to dominate a conversation about the culture surrounding Penn students. Penn Face is a flawed idea because it’s not a Penn idea. Some reporter from the Times came down, profiled one person, referenced a poorly developed concept and it took off. That, in tandem with the Hamlett–Reid group, means that the biggest mental health advocates on campus are not on campus. That’s where things become dangerous. My depression and my anxiety are negatively affected by this shoddy activism. Our collective mental health can’t improve when our voices are being drowned out by reporters' and parents' voices. I’m not sure what cultural changes need to be addressed

Why Penn Face is a destructive term, and how it hurts mental health initiatives on campus.

to fix this, but I am sure that the New York Times, and its shoe–leather reporting, doesn’t have the answer.

***

My last therapy session was soothing. I only saw my therapist three times over the summer. We could both see improvement, and she recommended I become a once–a–month patient. We had gone over mindfulness meditation exercises to prevent me from sinking too far into depression. I started walking around campus wearing what a friend calls “industrial– sized" headphones, and that’s helped with the anxiety. I left Philadelphia at the beginning of August without any sessions scheduled. I’ve kept going to that deli, but I haven’t seen my old therapist since.

"PENN FACE IS A FLAWED IDEA BECAUSE IT’S NOT A PENN IDEA."

ILLUSTRATION BY AMANDA REID

EGO

INTERFAITH IN ACTION: PENN'S RELIGIOUS LEADERS EXERCISE THEIR SPIRITUALITY on olt

Joshua B

lah Mu'

n R as h a Mi

az How a

A Christian minister, Jewish rabbi and Muslim chaplain walk into a triathlon…. It sounds like a punchline, but these three faculty religious leaders teamed up this summer to bike, swim and run to raise money for mental health. We chatted with Chaplain Kameelah Mu'Min Rashad, Rabbi Joshua Bolton and Minister and Chaplin of Religious Life Chaz Howard about religion at Penn, the Pope's significance to all faiths and their dream triathlon teams comprised of religious world leaders.

Kam Street: Are you participating in any of the festivities during the Pope's visit?

Street: What’s the general religiously observant community like at Penn?

Kameelah Mu'Min Rashad: This week is also the Muslim celebration of Eid al–Adha, so I’ll be celebrating that. But I am keeping a close watch on the interfaith dialogue related to the Pope and what he represents. You have someone who is recognized globally as a religious leader who has been very consistent in advocating around social justice issues of poverty, inequality, homelessness and the refugee crisis. That’s a conversation that I’m glad is coming to Philadelphia.

CH: Dynamic. Over a third of the campus population is involved at least once during the year with a religious group. That’s more than our Greek system, that’s larger than athletics. Street: What’s unique about Penn religious students of your group?

CH: There’s a spirit of innovation here that descended from Ben Franklin himself that I think is constantly new. People Chaz Howard: This is a spiritu- employ innovation into the way ally significant moment for the they live their faith, whether it’s city. It doesn’t feel like it with what they’re doing off camall the parking and all the other pus, whether it’s new or cool hoops to jump through, but of programming or whether it’s all the cities in North America engaging different populations, for Philadelphia to be chosen, it’s asking the hard questions. kind of an honor. KMR: Something I’ve seen Joshua Bolton: I did try to par- develop over time is the growth ticipate in the commercial phe- and diversity of the Muslim comnomenon of the Pope. I, along munity. Penn Muslim Student with my wife and another Jewish Association just celebrated its graphic designer in our neigh50th anniversary. Being able to borhood, designed the unofficial reflect on that history coming in tank–top of the papal visit. It’s as a black Muslim woman serving called the PopeTop. I think this in the role of a Chaplain, and is the first time in global history visually for people to see women that three Jews have designed the are capable of serving leadership unofficial tank–top of a papal roles in a religious capacity, that’s visit. something that I’m really proud

of about the MSA at Penn. JB: There’s a common conversation among Penn Jews about being “religious” or “cultural,” but I don’t know exactly what that means. So instead of banging my head against the wall thinking of how we can get them into Penn Hillel, I said, “You know what? It’s not about the building, membership or institutions. It’s about Jewish growth.” So I helped create the Jewish Renaissance Project. This particular brand focuses on empowering Jews on campus to grow Jewishly in the ways that they want.

Street: What inspired you three to run a triathlon together?

KMR: Leading up to it, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I think we all felt our faith is not something we want to engage with only through the texts or through conversation. We wanted to shed light on mental health but also wanted to do it in a fun way. Our team name was ‘Divine Perspiration.’

Street: If you could assemble a world religious leader triathlon team, who would be on it with the pope?

CH: My A–Team would probably be Desmond Tutu, Dalai Lama and Pope Francis. I’m not sure they’d finish, but it’s certainly a holy team. KMR: Pope, Bishop Vashti Murphy McKenzie, who is Bishop of the African Methodist Episcopal Church and the first woman elected to that position in the denominations history and Dr. Ingrid Mattson, founder of the Islamic Chaplaincy Program at Hartford Seminary and the first woman president of the Islamic Society of North America.

JB: After many seasons of hard times vis–à–vis relations in the world between religious groups, we just thought we needed to make an expression of shared space and values. In some ways, Street: If you could ask the Pope one ques- this was provoked by the state tion, what would it be? of mental wellness tragedies and challenges that our community CH: If it were just me and him, faced and the sense that our This interview has been edited I would want to ask him about traditions offer a shared territory and condensed. around the value of self–care. his personal journey. If it was a public question, I’d ask what he thought a person of faith’s relationship should be to guns. KMR: If you could go back in time 1400 years and ask Prophet Muhammad any question about Islam. What would that question be? JB: What is a proper regiment of foot–kissing for a religious leader in the 21st century? How many feet do you need to kiss a year? I’d want to know what types of feet, who they belong to, what the proper intentionality should be, mystical orientations of the mind in the time and moment of. I’d ask for a whole run–down on the proper foot–kissing technology. S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

EGO

EGOOF THE WEEK: ERICH KESSEL

Chair of Lambda Alliance and a pop culture guru, this Ego knows a thing or two about advocacy, art history and Madonna. But what are his thoughts on Smokes' pizza? Street: If you are what you eat, what are you? Erich Kessel: I'm certainly a lemon, since I love lemon– scented foods and beverages. Lemon is strong and distinctive but not intrusive. Street: Pick your favorite lemon: Lemon meringue pie, “Lemonade” by Sophie, Liz Lemon from “30 Rock” or Lemon Grove, California. EK: The song “Lemonade” is pretty amazing. Street: What is the most bizarre art exhibit you’ve ever seen? EK: In middle school I saw an exhibit about Pompeii. There were all these encased bodies in ash. That was a very bizarre exhibit that I don’t hope to see again. It was a little too intense for me. I haven’t seen a lot of really weird shows lately, though. Contemporary art is just inherently weird. Street: If you could have a

Night at the Museum experience where all the paintings came to life, which museum would you pick? EK: I would definitely choose The Whitney. It’s in Chelsea, near the Meatpacking District. The paintings are contemporary American, and they’re all very lightweight. The building is also amazing. The architecture has these very open floors, but these balconies that look out over the city. It’s a very innovative design for a museum. Street: Do you have a favorite pop culture icon? EK: Madonna. I think she is rebellious in a messy way. In a way that provokes people but is also very destructive. There’s something very interesting about that. My favorite pop culture icon of the present moment is Beyoncé. I think she is sort of rebellious and was inspired by Madonna in some sense, but she’s different in that everything she does is very

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calculated and very thought out. Beyoncé embodies power, and her music is so creative, which is an underappreciated part of her. I also love Serena and Venus Williams. Street: If Beyoncé and Madonna had a falling out (à la Katy and Taylor), who would you side with? EK: If Beyoncé and Madonna had a falling out, it would probably be Madonna’s fault, and it would probably be for a stupid reason. Given those two possibilities, I’d have to root for Beyoncé.

EK: We’ve worked with the LGBT Center to ensure that students who have family difficulty can secure financial aid with SFS so that their financial situation is protected no matter what happens at home, which is important for queer students. Recently, Lambda has advocated for preferred names, which has allowed gender non–conforming students to use the name they’re comfortable with on official documents. We’ve also had a consistent presence in providing sensitivity training for fraternities and sororities on campus, and we’re currently working on coordinating something with the multicultural Greek organizations.

Street: Do you have a favorite Williams sister? EK: I have the older sibling bias, but I do love the way both of them play. I can’t choose between them. Street: If you could have a drink with anyone (living or Street: What are your goals dead), who would it be? as Lambda Alliance Chair for EK: I want to know what the semester? Hillary Clinton is thinking EK: The goals thus far are to right now. I’m not even sure encourage community develI like her that much. I’m not opment and involvement. One that jazzed about her politics. of the things we’re thinking I just want to know how of doing is [holding] summits someone in that position around issues where people thinks about their future can discuss their opinions on and the possibility of being matters that are important president, the Republican to them. We also want more candidates and the possibility social events to showcase all the of Joe Biden entering the race. diversity in the groups under Her mind is probably racing Lambda’s umbrella. There are every second of the day. We’d many of them, from religious probably talk this out over a groups to Wharton–related glass of red wine. groups to identity groups like Queer People of Color or Queer and Asian. There’s definitely a breadth of different groups that are represented under our umbrella, so we want to showcase that somehow. Street: What are some of the ways that Lambda has positively affected students in the past?

Street: What’s better, Blarney karaoke or Smokes’ pizza? EK: Smokes' pizza because it's an unheralded treasure, and probably the best pizza on campus.

Name: Erich Kessel Hometown: Charlotte, NC Major: History of Art Minor: French Activities: Chair of the Lambda Alliance, Penn Humanities Forum Steering Committee, ICA Student Advisory Board, History of Art Student Advisory Board, Sphinx Senior Society Guilty Pleasure: Sea salt, chocolate and cherry cookies from Metropolitan Bakery

ARTS

FALL INTO (A LACK OF) STREET ART

What does it mean to be into art? Does it mean that you spend your weekends in the Barnes Foundation or at the Rodin Museum, that you wander around Northern Liberties peeking into the small independent galleries of up–and–coming artists? Or does it mean that you take art history and fine arts courses and have a refined knowledge of the subject? What’s more, what does being into art look like, how does it translate into how you interact with the world? If Friday’s event at the Philadelphia Museum of Art is any indicator, being into art is more of a social concept, with little to do with art itself at all. In today’s world, the idea of what is and is not art is so broad and intangible that being “into art” is often more about the social functions that it facilitates, and museums and other organizations have very noticeably and aptly been capitalizing on this. The MoMA’s PS1 Saturday parties in New York, First Fridays in Philadelphia and Fall into Street Art at the PMA are all events that organize around the idea of art and culture, but which really use the art itself as a backdrop for social interactions, an excuse to party in a more interesting, respectable way. I mean, let’s be real: How many people that attend these parties in galleries actually pause to appreciate the art in the rooms in which they are tossing back cocktails and craft beers? We see more of the art in the background of our friends’ Instagrams than we do with our own eyes when we are there. Friday’s event at the PMA was advertised as “inspired by the city’s vibrant street art and held in the Museum’s hidden tunnel,” and while these things were certainly true, the fact that the event

What the PMA’s event lacked in artwork, it made up for in its ability to bring people together.

was to take place at the PMA suggested that there would be some actual art involved. This assumption proved to be incorrect, however, as the entire party took place within the tunnel, with no opportunity to wander into any of the museum’s extensive galleries. The only works of art on display were the few pieces being auctioned off, but these were arranged at the entrance and easily overlooked by anyone bee–lining for the open bar. While the event lacked art, it was certainly a good party. The open bar was comprehensive, and the drink selection was wide. The food provided by Farm Truck was tasty, the venue was intimate but not packed and the music was fun. The event was thoroughly enjoyable, even in the absence of the art that we felt had been promised. What was most notable about Friday’s event was not art, but rather art’s ability to bring people together in a new way. You could be a cynic and say that events like these are ruining the integrity of the art world, that the attendees are posers pretending to be cultured as an excuse to get drunk. But really, when we consider the state of the art world and museums today, functions like these are astoundingly innovative. They are a way of reviving a dying interest group, of making art more tangible and accessible to the general population, a way of sparking interest in those who would otherwise not set foot in a gallery. Fall into Street Art may have fallen flat as an event about art, but it was a resounding success as an event about the museum and about the people who came. EMILY JOHNS

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ARTS

The key is in the details. Walking through The Barnes Foundation, it’s hard to look beyond the impressionist and post–impressionist masterpieces and quite easy to miss the details that sparked the idea for this year’s temporary exhibit, Strength and Splendor: Wrought Iron from the Musée Le Secq des Tournelles, Rouen. If you keep an eye out for the details, you’ll observe a variety of quirky objects—locks, bolts, nuts, spoons, forks and the like—scattered among gaggles of Degas’ ballerinas and Renoir’s landscapes. Strength and Splendor draws inspiration from the space between the masterpieces in the permanent collection and achieves the broader purpose of reminding us that the ordinary can become monumental if we keep an open mind. Strength and Splendor: Wrought Iron from the Musée Le Secq des Tournelles, Rouen, opened to the public last Friday, September 18. It

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emphasizes the extraordinary beauty in these commonplace items located around the museum and in our daily lives. The collection presents approximately 150 wrought iron objects from the medieval times to the early 20th century—such as jewelry, escutcheons, locks, plaques, keys, signs, strongboxes and tools—which complement the 887 pieces that find their place among the museum's permanent collection. Though iron is considered to be a coarse and inelegant metal, the collection demonstrates to us the opposite—in its jewelry, we perceived incredible beauty and fragility—yet, we were also impressed by its utility in the variety of iron contraptions people used in their daily lives. Iron's versatility, we concluded, is boundless—as is its artistic potential. The works at the Barnes were unlike any we had studied in art history courses. Our studies, though comprehensive, can lead to prejudice against

seemingly "lowbrow" forms of art. Though we walked in expecting to see rusty medieval locks, impressive due to their age, we found artistic value in both the pieces and the display—and walked out with a new appreciation for the craft and craftsmen of yesteryear. The beauty of the Strength and Splendor collection lies in its anonymity and ordinariness Though the majority of the items are commonplace, the craftsmanship and labor that went into them certainly aren't. Each piece was carefully crafted and, in both form and function, makes you reexamine your own notion of beauty.

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F E AT U R E

“

t was basically like going to college as a fourteen–year–old," said Sam Ax, a Wharton sophomore. The fall before his first year of high school, Sam opted for the “clean–cut” look on the 2,300 mile flight from Phoenix to Boston. Button–down shirt, trim sweater, khakis: He had perfected the dress code for the three boarding school interviews. Soon after, he found a home at Phillips Andover Academy, an elite boarding school consistently lauded by Forbes, Business Insider and other publications as the “best high school in America.” Andover’s campus drapes suburban Massachusetts in spires, cream–colored columns and rows of grey stone steps. A walk through campus features red–brick halls and arched glass windows. Above a circle of bushes stands a curved, steel statue—an artistic representation of the school’s motto, loosely translated to “The end hangs upon the beginning,” but known to students, Sam said, as “the catboner statue.” “We would often get made fun of [for] it by the public school kids. Kids from Andover High would drive by us on Main Street and yell, ‘Catboner!’” “It was pretty funny,” he said. “But sometimes they threw stuff at us. I’m sure they thought we were pretentious nerds or something like that.” But in the year he attended Andover before opting to finish high school closer to home, Sam’s friends spent more time watching Sports Center in the hall lounge and playing pranks than comparing grades. Still, Andover funnels a third of each graduating class students to the Ivies, according to Forbes. This year alone, the school graduated fifteen future Quakers, making Penn the most popular college for Andover’s 2015 class. Andover and other top–rated New England prep schools form a clear pipeline to Penn. But these institutions also function as microcosms of the elite colleges they feed and, in many cases, do a better job at addressing the problems that plague our own campus.

Many students are the one graduate, or 1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5

maybe one of two, from their high school to attend Penn. Maybe the first to attend an elite university in years. But despite Penn’s insistence that there's no one path to Ivy League admission, top–performing prep schools continue to invest massive amounts of money and resources toward streaming their students to top colleges. While the Admissions Office, which did not respond to inquiry, states that there’s no formula for getting into Penn, the numbers show otherwise. Over the past four years, the Trinity School in New York has sent more than 38 out of roughly 530 students to Penn. The Collegiate School, also in New York, has matriculated nineteen students at Penn since 2011, despite a class size of roughly 50 students per year. This past year alone, the St. Paul’s School in New Hampshire sent eight out of about 130 students to Penn. And this list is not exhaustive. According to Shamus Rahman Khan, a sociology professor at Columbia, a privileged, well–off educational elite develops. He comments, “College professors, looking at our classrooms, know this sad truth quite well.” A year at Andover costs almost as much as a year at Penn. Though nearly half the student body receives financial aid, tuition, room and board cost a cool $50,300. Connecticut’s Rosemary Choate Hall, which has produced eighteen Penn students over the past five years, charges $54,450. Of course, many of these schools maintain extensive financial aid and scholarship programs, including regional scholarships to increase the diversity among peers. The Dalton School, which, in the last four years, has sent 27 students to Penn, has a tuition of almost $40,000. Meanwhile approximately $8.6 million is allocated to need–based scholarship funds for 20% of Dalton’s student body every year. According to Cat Cleveland, a 2014 Penn graduate, her high school friends received better financial aid from Andover than from their undergraduate schools.

Prep school kids pay a high price, but in

F E AT U R E

many cases, receive a better quality of student services than they find at Penn. Students at these schools are no strangers to stress. The academic competition present at many of these institutions, combined with the intense pressure and expectation to receive admission from an elite college, fosters a strangely social approach to the college process. And while many students believe Penn will constitute the toughest years of their lives, prep school graduates sometimes find a easier time in Philadelphia. Cat remembers a busy high school schedule during her time at Andover. She explains, “I had much more on my plate at Andover than at Penn. There’s this primary understanding that you need to work really hard to get into college.” She adds that living together at a boarding school increased her sense of community. Together, students could “all commiserate.” Joy Wang, a sophomore in Engineering who transferred to Andover before her third year of high school from her local school in China, was also used to the pace of a rapid–fire schedule. Class from 8am until 3pm. A free period. Quick lunch. 3pm to 5pm, mandatory sports practice. 6pm to 8pm, music rehearsal. Then students could finally begin studying. What she wasn’t used to was Penn's student body competing for a limited numbers of advisors. “The thing with Andover is when you’re stressed, teachers are more available for you. When I came to Andover as a new, international student, I struggled with English a lot. My English teacher would be like, ‘Come to conference hours, come talk to me,’ and we’d talk through it. When it was stressful, I’d talk to her. I felt a lot more personally connected.” And, at Andover, mental health facilities share a space with physical medical care, to lessen stigma and increase student access to psychiatric care. Students also have local hospital and in–town services. A few weeks ago, Joy tried to schedule an appointment with her pre–major advisor at Penn. Her advisor’s scheduling assistant said September was a hectic month. She could maybe come sometime in October. “Penn is more of you being on your own,” she said.

It’s possible that the high rate of elite university matriculation from these high schools is a product of their own selectivity. Many of these schools have lower acceptance rates than Ivies. Andover, in its most recent data, boasted an acceptance ratio of around 14%; Deerfield Academy accepts roughly 13%. This year, Cornell accepted 18% of applicants. The clear link between selective secondary schools and elite college admissions inspired the Steppingstone Foundation, a non–profit organization aimed at preparing underprivileged Boston youth for competitive high school admissions. Students are frequently placed at schools like Phillips Exeter, Andover, St. Paul’s, Deerfield and the Milton Academy. And students don’t only flow one way. While Penn students will often justify the university’s high tuition by the quality of education, some of the nation’s top boarding schools get well– paid Ivy–League–educated graduate students delivered straight to their campuses. Since 2012, nine of the nation’s top boarding schools have participated in the UPenn Fellows program, coordinated by the St. Paul’s School, which places Penn graduate students at institutions like Lawrenceville, Milton, Hotchkiss and Deerfield in a coordinated teaching program. In an email, St. Paul’s Faculty Dean Michael E. Spencer wrote, “The School offers competitive salaries and a generous benefits package including retirement plan, medical insurance, dental insurance, life insurance and long term disability.” Of a faculty of 228 students, Phillips Exeter’s teachers boast 112 masters and 45 doctorates, in addition to other extensive graduate work, often from the nation’s highest–ranking institutions. These numbers are similar to other top prep schools. If top teaching professionals are available in their high school education, it’s unclear if Penn offers anything truly new for these students.

“The media portrayed St. Paul’s so negatively,” Wharton sophomore Colby Schofield said. “They were taking it out on the school.” The trial of almost–Harvard bound St. Paul’s student Owen Labrie, followed by graduate and now–Wharton student Hopper Hillegrass’ charge of simple assault and domestic violence, landed the school on the New York Times front page. Colby watched, horrified, while headline after headline condemned her alma mater. The school Colby knew seemed like a parallel universe. “I wouldn’t change a thing about it,” she said. “I loved St. Paul’s, all my friends loved St. Paul’s and we cherished our experience there." The school “very much simulated a college campus,” she said. The wooded New Hampshire campus served as a self–secluded environment, with 100% of students boarding in the dorms. And, like a college campus, St. Paul’s tackled many of the issues that catalyze dialogues at Penn. “We did have a lot of mental health concerns,” Colby said. “It was such a strenuous time for any student.” Classes at St. Paul’s met six days a week. Students studied until dawn, fulfilled athletic requirements, lived with their days planned out. Students strained to get into top colleges, working themselves into frenzies worrying about whether or not they’d win acceptance. In the New Hampshire winter, campus grew cold and isolating—which was great for building strong communities, Colby said, “but there was definitely a lot of mental stress.” “A majority of my girlfriends went to see a therapist,” said Colby. “Which didn’t mean much to me at the time. It seemed very casual, but I’d say 90% of them went. Me and my closest friend were the only ones I knew who didn’t go. It was part of the daily routine.” Colby’s not sure if her guy friends went to therapy—“It was a different dynamic,” she said.

At Penn, she said, “I’ve never heard of anyone going to CAPS.” The intensity of St. Paul’s was a fact of life. “You kind of signed up for it,” Colby said. “It’s something you want to do, something you’re passionate about…. It’s kind of geared towards college, but that’s kind of the whole point.”

On the website of Phillips Exeter, visitors are invited to watch a contemporary, documentary–style video feature on the college admissions process. An Associate Director of Admissions comments, “Phillips Exeter tries very hard to nurture relationships with our colleagues across the desk.” College admissions staff routinely visit their school’s campus. The video features a diverse set of students and counselors, impressing the importance of balance and guidance in the admissions process. Light music plays in the background. A young woman sits in an exposed, blackbox theater under lights—speaking about her strong school pride. A school official smiles and emphasizes the autonomy and discovery; the process, as marketed, is about introspection and academic curiosity. Ultimately, the high school’s strategy is one of self–description. The video, posted on Vimeo, is captioned, “The journey is as important as the destination.” It’s about “gratitude”; it is an honor to “play a small role in the experience of Exeter alumni.” But, despite her light voice and sweet tone, an associate director speaks more realistically than her peers. “This is the big leagues.”

Dani Blum is a sophomore in the College studying English and Political Science. Rebecca Heilweil is a sophomore in the College studying History and Journalism. They are current Features Editors for 34th Street Magazine. S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

MUSIC

STREET'S STUDY JAMS

What to listen to at Penn's hottest study destinations: It’s time to be productive because ~midterms~.

1. STARBUCKS UNDER COMMONS: Stay focused in the hustle–and–bustle while catching the coffeehouse vibes with relaxing indie folk (Read: Starbucks music). Tracks: “1957” by Milo Greene, “All the Pretty Girls” by Kaleo, “Salt Hill, Pt. 1” by Rickard Jäverling

If you study in Huntsma n on the regular then let's be real, it sucks. You're probably too intense for study music. Yo u could try classical but, tbh, your jam is pure silence. Tracks: None. Pure, absolu

te, sweet silence.

Who are you even kiddin g? Between espresso shot six and seven, your tenth cigarette and yet another conversat ion with an acquaintance, you can't be saved. You need some cla ssic music videos that will keep you distracted and awake.

For all of the hipsters in the house: You want chill, ambient indie that you won't get busted for. Listen through alt–J’s "This Tracks: "S&M" by Rihann Is All Yours" or M83’s best album, Hurry a, "Runaway (U & I)" by Galantis, "A naconda" by Nicki Minaj Up, We’re Dreaming. Tracks: “Wait” by M83, “Warm Foothills” by alt–J, “17” by Youth Lagoon

TALIA STERMAN 1 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5

IF YOU LIKE THAT, LISTEN TO THIS Six hot new recommendations based on your current music tastes. Photo: Chance the Rapper

If you like Warpaint but want to be even more #alternative, then try out indie pop artist Youth Lagoon: Set to drop their newest album, Savage Hill Ballrooms, tomorrow, Youth Lagoon has tweaked their 2011 dreamy softness to include stronger percussion accents and an increase in tempo, while still keeping the reflective quality that made them such a hit. If you vibe with Chance the Rapper’s catchy sound, then check out rap artist Kyle: Kyle (formerly known as K.i.D.) emerged in recent years with a noticeably laid–back attitude and a willingness to experiment with different synth sounds to accent his smooth flow. His lyrics contain a standard balance of bragging and self–deprecation, but his musical boldness, apparent in the original and impressive sound of his tracks, makes him stand out in an important way. Smyle, his newest album, drops Oct. 2. If you’re trying to cope with Cyberbully Mom Club’s hiatus, then try another Philly–native musician, Alex G: Characterized by the classic bedroom artist lo–fi sound, Alex G's music has appealingly earnest lyrics and carefully constructed melodies. His newest album, Beach Music, comes out on Oct. 9. If you miss LCD Sound System’s 2005-2007 vibe, then check out artist !!!. (Yes, this band’s name is literally just three exclamation points. Because nothing is more underground than a name that

literally cannot be pronounced): This band has kept a strong mix of dance–punk and pop in its repertoire as its grown through the years, often making bold production decisions and experimenting with different electronic and funk sounds. Their newest album, As If, will be released Oct. 18. If you’re looking for a lighter, more upbeat version of The Decemberists, then check out EL VY: EL VY, a side project formed by Menonmena’s Brent Knopf and The National’s Matt Berninger, combines Knopf’s creative melodic constructions and Berningers often–serious lyrics. Together, they create a smooth and low–key catchy sound in the tracks dropped in preparation for their album release. The album, Return to the Moon, comes out on Oct. 30. If you dig The Morning Benders but wish they went a little harder/ were more high energy, then check out Born Ruffians: This Canadian indie rock band first hit the scene in 2006 with their distinctly punk–y release of “This Sentence Will Ruin/Save Your Life.” They have since been polished down into a mixture of strummy, folksy and upbeat tunes, toning down some of the cacophonous angst that they started off with. Their upcoming album, RUFF, is set to drop on Oct. 2. JOHANNA MATTNAVARRO

MUSIC

Photo: Disclosure

YOUR WEEK IN

MUSIC

Block out your Thursday, Friday and Wednesday nights. You don't want to miss this. RACHEL ERANI release date. Ocean’s failure to update the public is increasing speculation that the album's Tomorrow night, at the release will be cancelled. Let’s Festival Pier at Penn’s Landing, not let our support be shaken kick it to some alt–J, aka the by this devastating possibility. indie alternative band whose And Frank: Just know, we’ve artistry inspired lots of online been thinkin' 'bout you (oooh talk regarding his fun YouTube na na na). video. Tomorrow is the official This Wednesday, Sept. 30, release date for Disclosure’s Wavves is performing with upcoming album, Caracal, openers Twin Peaks (Last year’s which features vocals from Fling Quad performers, thanks Sam Smith and Lorde. The to SPEC Jazz and Grooves) and music videos for the album’s Steep Leans at TLA. singles follow a dystopian For Penn’s hipsters, hippies plotline about a young woman and music majors: Next Thurs- being chased by the police, and day’s shows include CHVRCH- they are available on YouTube. ES at the Electric Factory, The British duo will be in Hall & Oats at TLA and West Philadelphia on Oct. 19 and Philadelphia Orchestra at The Underground Arts.

WHAT TO SEE:

20, and we expect everyone to be there.

WHAT TO LISTEN TO: Now that the Drake vs. Meek beef has blown over (well, kinda), the hype surrounding Drake and Future’s collaborative mixtape is taking the hip–hop world by storm. The mixtape, titled What A Time To Be Alive, was released this past Sunday. Ryan Adams released his Taylor Swift cover album of 1989 on Monday, leaving us wondering whether he’s got a long list of ex–lovers or, perhaps, a lot of Starbucks lovers.

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT: Earlier this year, Canadian indie–punk band Viet Cong had one of their shows cancelled because of their “offensive” band name. This past Sunday, the band announced that they would be changing their name after many conversations with members of the Vietnamese community, stating, “…our band name is not our cause, and we are not going to fight for it.” We’ve been impatiently waiting for Frank Ocean’s second full–length album (the followup to Channel Orange) since months before the original July S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

YOUR WEEK IN FILM & TV

FILM & TV

Viola Davis meets Game of Thrones meets Sundance hits. What else would you need?

WHAT TO GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED FOR:

WHAT TO BRING UP IN FILM CLASS:

Smuggle in your favorite snacks/alcohol to the Ritz 5 tonight to see two of Sundance's most celebrated films before they leave theaters. The End of the Tour and The Diary of a Teenage Girl are a delightfully pretentious pairing. And who doesn't love sexual awakening and David Foster Wallace (and also, Jesse Eisenberg)? Moonrise Kingdom: Dust off your binoculars and boy scout uniforms, your favorite Wes Anderson flick is playing at 8pm on Wednesday, Sept. 30 in the Gregory lounge. Sure, it's slightly overrated, but it's related to a recent gentrification debate in Brooklyn involving yarn graffiti.

Netflix’s first feature film, Beasts of No Nation, caused considerable Oscar buzz last week in Toronto. Written and directed by Cary Joji Fukunaga (half of the juggernaut that was True Detective season one), the movie has Hollywood scared shitless about the powerful role that streaming services are taking up in independent production. Enjoying a limited release this coming Friday, Stonewall has us talking about the power of a film to whitewash history and rewrite public events. Taking a break from making awful sci–fi films, Roland Emmerich directed this feel–good movie about a white man who started the Stonewall Riots. At least watch the trailer and roll your eyes. New roles have just been confirmed for the sixth season of Game of Thrones. Max von Sydow, James Faulkner and

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Samantha Spiro are all headed to Westeros when the show returns in April, probably to get murdered unexpectedly right after you develop an attachment to them.

WHAT TO STREAM: Tonight, two of TV's most live–tweeted and best–lead–actressed series make their season premieres. Watch Shonda Rhimes' Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder backto–back on ABC tonight. Even if you miss them, you're bound to see spoilers somewhere on social media. Plus, Viola Davis! That's right, your favorite socially–conscious film of 2014 that was abandoned during awards season is now available for streaming on Netflix. For God’s sake, make sure your white friends see Dear White People. CAROLINE MARQUES

S ST STR STRE STREE STREEA STREEAT STREEA STREE STRE STR ST S DINING GUIDE SEPT. 30

FILM & TV

Munchies had me like…

When your song comes on at the late–night

"What do you mean, 'You just sold your last cookie,' Magic Carpet!?"

AWARDS SEASON: When that freshman you hate shows up to the pregame

Rolling into date night with a set–up way out of your league

YOUR VERY PERSONAL

EMMYS RECAP

Amy x3 (Schumer. Pohler. Gutmann.)

I just love pizza, that's all

Sh*t, I overdid the theme

In the Rumor bathroom like…

"Can't a guy take a hint?"

EMILY HASON

"But bae, we don't need to prove to people we like each other. Put the camera away." S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

FOOD & DRINK

HOW TO TURN ALL YOUR FOOD PUMPKIN

Magic like this isn't just for Cinderella and carriages

Since we’re all college students on a budget, paying the extra bucks for socially-mandated seasonal pumpkin treats isn’t always in the cards. Luckily, a jar of pumpkin puree for $2 will last you a while and can fall–ify any dish your heart desires. Plus, it’s actually healthy, so guilt–free all around. Just make sure you get the actual pumpkin puree instead of pie mix, or it’ll end up crazy sweet.

PASTA

OATMEAL While making oatmeal on the stove (the best way to make oats), substitute a heaping spoonful or two of the pumpkin puree for some water. Make sure you top with toasted pecans for the true breakfast pie experience.

Mix the pumpkin with butter on low heat and serve over linguini to feel like a chef at Parc.

FISH Next time you’re feeling like a chef, put a thin layer of the pumpkin over a nice light fish (our favorite is arctic char). Finely chop some pecans and drizzle a little honey on top to finish.

CURRY

PANCAKES DIY Sabrina’s and add some pumpkin to your ingredients… or Trader Joe’s buttermilk pancake mix. We don’t judge.

To really get adventurous, mix pumpkin with a bit of the curry sauce you’ve bought and put it on chicken or shrimp. To be a true explorer, make your own with ginger, curry powder, coconut milk and whatever other spices you can find.

TBH we’re not fully domestic yet, and the only cookies we know how to make from scratch are the two–bananas–plus–one–cup–of–oats cookies, but, of course, pumpkin makes those better too. Don’t forget the chocolate chips. Eat 'em hot out of the oven and they’ll rival Magic Carpet’s.

HEALTH

IT'S TAKING OVER Here are a few things that should have never attempted a "pumpkin spice" flavor (or scent). 1. Pumpkin Spice M&Ms 2. Pumpkin Spice scented tampons (They exist. You can't make this up.)

3. Pumpkin Spice chicken sausage 4. Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses 5. Pumpkin Spice Chobani yogurt

DINA ZARET & ELENA MODESTI

HOW TO SURVIVE THE COMMON COLD It’s barely fall, and we’re already ill.

It’s a cruel twist of fate when it’s not even sweater weather yet and the plague has descended upon us. Even if you’re not sick, you probably know someone who is. Since we all know Student Health Services will misdiagnose your cold as an STD, save yourself the walk and read Street’s survival guide instead. 1. Skip the DayQuil. Take Mucinex + Sudafed + Tylenol instead to get the highest dose of active ingredients.

honey. WilCaf will give you the best of both worlds with their Marrakesh Mint Green tea.

8. Stock up on chicken noodle soup; it really is magical. If you’re on campus and in need, Kitchen Gia has a great one.

2. Enough stocking up on paper towels from the bathroom in between classes. When even Huntsman's paper towels aren't nice enough, you know it's not the move. Treat yourself. Buy the tissues plus lotion. Red noses aren’t cute.

5. Go to CVS, taste test all the Halls and Ricola cough drops and rank them. When the guy asks if you have your Extra Care Card, turn the table around and ask him for his professional opinion. To menthol or not to menthol?

3. If you do get a red nose, invest in some Aquaphor or Eucerin to help heal the skin. It's too early to look like Rudolph.

6. Cough into your elbow. People who cough into their hands are foul, selfish creatures who should to be exiled to DRL.

9. Swap Pottruck for a solid Netflix lineup. Last time I was sick, I told the doctor I still had to do orgo and she heard "workout" instead. She had the facial reaction I'd expect to see if I told her I really wanted to try meth, although, tbh, not sure which is worse. Watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and drink (tea) every time you recognize where it is. Chug if it's at Penn.

4. Drink tea!!! Green tea is great in the morning since it has caffeine, but mint and chamomile will soothe your throat later on, especially if you add some

7. Purell and wash your hands 24/7. You don’t want to be the patient zero of the Quad, do you?

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10. Sleep. It’s really the best thing you can do to help your body heal itself. I promise, you’re not missing anything at that '80s workout mixer or hall dinner. DINA ZARET

FOOD & DRINK

And we' re not talking about Sweetgreen's seasonal salad. Fall is finally here, which means it's time to say goodbye to your heirloom tomatoes and mint watermelon salads. With open arms, welcome home the spiced–apple– pumpkin frenzy that you know awaits. We rounded up the places nearby with fall specials, so you should probably just forget about ever fitting into that sexy cop costume. (Ed. note: Not that we ever really planned on wearing it.)

LIL' POP SHOP

SABRINA'S CAFE

LOCAL 44

Just 'cuz the weather's getting chilly doesn't mean you have to give up cool treats. If the Pumpkin S'Mores popsicle doesn't make you tear up a little bit, go back for seconds and get the Apple Cider and thirds to get the Mayan Chocolate ($3 per pop). Where: 265 South 44th Street

SHAKE SHACK

The Shack's rotating custard flavors offer another option in the cool treats category. Starting on Sept. 28, pair your cheeseburger with the Pumpkin Pie custard ($3.50 for a cone, $5.50 for a shake). Where: 3200 Chestnut Street

FEDERAL DONUTS

While their specials menu changes every week, once fall starts you're pretty much guaranteed to find a seasonal dish. This week's is french toast dipped pumpkin apple walnut bread stuffed with scrambled eggs with fontina cheese, grilled kielbasa, sautéed spinach and radicchio finished with a mushroom leek béchamel sauce ($13.5). Done. Where: 227 North 34th Street

WHITE DOG CAFE

This local beer joint offers an end–of–the–season Summer Scrumpy from Big Hill Ciderworks ($8.25 for 22 oz). If you want a more classic fall route, try the Pumpkin Ale from Susquehanna Brewing Company with a smooth, crisp, well–balanced flavor ($2.50 per bottle). For a more full flavored and nutmeg–y option, get the Rosemary's Baby from Two Roads Brewery ($3.25 per bottle). Where: 4333 Spruce Street DINA ZARET & ELENA MODESTI

cihuatl c a t • • Iz 67St. • (215) 4 1005 h t 8 l.com t a u h i S acc 1122 w.phillyizt ww

Penn Special

Never a disappointment, Federal Donut's Pumpkin Spice Latte fancy donut ($2) will melt in your mouth without giving you the artificial, sugary overload that other campus donut vendors are apt to do. If you're a hot/ fresh kinda kid, be sure to check out the Indian Cinnamon donut ($1.25). Where: 1632 Sansom Street

Their hot apple cider mocktail, the Oh, Good Grief! ($4), that comes around every fall is the only acceptable mocktail you can ever order, and you should absolutely order it. Start your meal with the acorn squash ($11) and end it with the warm apple tart with spiced streusel, brown butter ice cream and bourbon sauce ($9). Where: 3420 Sansom Street

Show Penn ID Pay in cash $20 Entry Fee Food + Tip Included 7 Days a Week! holds up to 300

Rowdiest byo

Bring Tequila for free magarita mix!

CRAZY FUN! * Ask us about room rentals! S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

LOWBROW

GUIDELINES TO HAVING AN ATHEIST HOLIDAY PARTY Tired of offending unsuspecting partygoers with your blatant use of religion? Fix that with these helpful guides to throwing the best, religion–free party! 1. No one is allowed to wear: blue, yellow green, red, maroon, white, black or purple. Color is 100% associated with religion.

2. No wine or cheese. Jesus served wine and cheese. Thus, it's a trigger.

3. Spongebob is definitely a metaphor for the exodus from Egypt. Please don’t put it on the television.

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4. Also the television is definitely something made by Satan. Remove it from your home.

Jersey's Papal state of emergency is real. Lowbrow is fake. 5. Wood is a no go. Wood is for wands. Wands are for Wiccans.

6. Joy is a religious concept. No smiling here!

7. Make sure that no one has used Q–tips for a while. If you do, then you can hear god. 9. Also, unfortunately no one can go from boy to man during this party. Bar mitzvahs aren't kosher here!

10. Gin smells like pine. Pine is from pine trees. Pine trees are Christmas trees. Christmas trees are not cool. Thus, no gin, thanks.

8. No talk of your hot yoga addiction. That's a total Buddhist move.

11. No pictures of Mohammed!!!! Wait, that's already not allowed. 12. No carbs allowed. Bread is the body of Christ.

LOWBROW

WHAT TO DO IN PHILLY WHEN THE POPE IS HERE

In case you haven't heard, the Pope is coming to town. The city might be shutting down, but Lowbrow figured out what all the cool kids are doing. The Pope is coming to town, but that doesn't mean he should get to have all the fun. Instead of going into hiding this weekend, take the opportunity to explore the City of Brotherly Love with 1.5 million of your closest friends. Still not sure how to spend all that time? Lowbrow has you covered.

this weekend, go highway– hopping. Take edgy urban walks on all of Philly's major highways. All you'll need is a sturdy pair of walking shoes and your selfie stick of choice. It's a real life version of Frogger! But you win every time. Crowd surfing Papal Mass can be a rock concert if you want it to be. Now's your chance to fulfill your childhood dreams of becoming a rockstar. When the whole crowd lifts their arms in prayer, take a leap of faith

Highway A bunch of highways are closing for the Pope's visit. Where do the highways go? They can't just disappear. Instead of party–hopping

into crowd and hope to God all those days of skipping Bible school pay off. Learn Latin There's nothing quite like learning a dead language. Pull out a dictionary and translate everything into Latin in real time. Before long you'll be functionally bilingual—or at least know a couple phrases to get you through the week. Start by reciting every single Latin word you know.

Harry Potter gave you a solid foundation for this—Draco. Dumbledore. Voldemort. Magna. Summa. Cum Laude. E Pluribus Unum. Carpe Diem.

Quid Pro Quo. Dolores Umbridge. Expecto Patronum. Severus Snape. Avada Kedavra. You're basically fluent already. Start a Cult 1.5 million people = the perfect prospective members of your very own cult. Now is the time, Philly is the place. Turn out stories about your own greatness—like that time you walked on water and ate 4,000 gummy bears in one minute. Before long, you'll have at least a couple followers.

PAY FOR YOUR SINS (VIA VENMO)

You really don’t want to have your sins still around when the Pope comes, but you’re busy. Thank God for Venmo!

C BS CB F V TS J

Chelsea paid the Vatican Laughing when my hookup called his penis “Bruce” Like

Bitchy Subletter paid the Vatican That time I lied about leaving the Like

in the toilet

Comment

Chubby Baby paid the Vatican Giggling when I make my parents cry Like

Comment

-$4.26

-$20.00

-$0.65

Firecrotch paid the Vatican When I said I enjoyed that guy making out with my ear, but it actually sounded like a leprechaun drowning in the ocean -$37.00 Like Comment Versace paid the Vatican Mixing wool and cotton Like

-$15.00

Comment

Taylor Swift paid the Vatican For writing so many thinkpieces about myself Like

Comment

Jesus paid the Vatican Turning too much water into Mary Magdalene Like

Comment

Eve paid the Vatican For letting the get to me. Like

Comment

Post finals CALLS FOR A

pre game

once classes end...

the party starts.

We’ve got THE BEER FOR your holiday party!

-$19.89

and getting MarMag drunk -$47.00

beer springfield distributor

(215) 546-7301 Studying WE DELIVER too hard? WE DELIVER Take a break 2206 Washington Ave, Philadelphia | (215) 546-7301 with us. 2206 Washington ave, Philadelphia

-$79.12

(Ed. note: Sbake like penis. Snake is a metaphor for penis.)

S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

34TH STREET

Dining

Guide

Pick up your copy September 30th in Street.

Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s taco-bout food, baby. 2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 24 , 2 01 5