February 26th, 2015 by 34th Street Magazine

February 26â&#x20AC;&#x201C;March 4, 2015 34st.com

february 26 LOL

2015 3 HIGHBROW pimp yourself out, round up, overheards

BLUEPOODLEFROMTHEEDITOR

Street interviewed Vince Vaughn. It's casual.

4 WORD ON THE STREET privilege

5 EGO

eotw denzel cummings, penn identity crisis

7 MUSIC LOL

LOL

board game, wharton's most talented, Q&A with British Ambient

what drexel thinks of penn

12 FILM

VINCE VAUGHN

cocktails that could be meals

LOL

Photo by Gage Skidmore

10 FEATURE

14 FOOD & DRINK

LOL

P. 12

16 ARTS

controppasto, what we share with ISIS

18 LOWBROW

lowbrow does highbrow, plus martians

20 BACKPAGE humans of VP

Who is the real Madeline Penn? Meet more identity thefts on p. 6

Finding out what other people think of you is weird, at best and. Uncomfortable. You want to know until you actually know. It's like when you're a kid and you want to eat dog food. Then you eat dog food and it tastes like ancient Wheat Thins and you'd do anything to get the tast out of your mouth. That’s what our feature is this week: What Drexel really thinks about us. This week, a pal informed me, “Oh, she kind of hates you.” Well, I always suspected that. I don’t really like this person either, but when you hear that 100% confirmed they hate you, it's different. I wonder: What did I do wrong? Was it because I got pissed at her for her behavior? Is it because I’m loud? Or maybe because I'm socially awkward? What is it about me that pisses people off? It’s funny, because I used to need to know 100% that everyone loved me. I needed to know that I would be welcome at any cafeteria table. But that was high school. I was school president. Now it’s about me. Now I say I don’t care what people think about me. But when I learn that someone hates me, I do care. I care less, but I care. I question myself. I re–evaluate. And then I think about the highly underrated 2006 single “Bossy” by Kelis and Too $hort, my motto. (Yes, for approximately six hours, an iteration of this was spraypainted on my wall.) “You don’t have to like me, but you will respect me.” I’m probably not going to wear uni–frame sunglasses and a latex tankini like Kelis. Or paint my dog blue (RIP my beloved deceased dog, Patriot) but I will listen to that song until I believe it. Follow me on Spotify. Heart$,

Selfie by Madeline Penn

RULE #10 – INVITATIONS ARE FOR PUSSIES. WHATEVER. WEDDING CRASHERS DIDN'T KNOW JACK SHIT. WE'RE INVITING YOU TO OUR WRITERS MEETING TONIGHT @ 6:30PM 4015 'NUT. JUST DON'T BE A STAGE 5 CLINGER ABOUT IT.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Editor Byrne Fahey, Design Editor Corey Fader, Photo Editor Galit Krifcher, Assistant Design Holly Li, Assistant Design Amy Chen, Assistant Photo Conor Cook, Highbrow Elie Sokoloff, Highbrow Katie Hartman, Word on the Street Randi Kramer, Ego Casey Quackenbush, Ego Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink 2

Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Orly Greenberg, Film and TV Clare Lombardo, Features Amanda Suarez, Features Caroline Marques, Music Amanda Silberling, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie, Lowbrow Kimberly Lu, Backpage Mark Paraskevas, Copy Editor Sarah Fox, Copy Editor Pat Goodridge, Copy Editor

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

Giulia Imholte, Social Media Editor Rachel Rubin, Digital Designer Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Editor Alex Cohn, Web Producer Mara Veitch, Web Producer COVER ILLUSTRATION: Amy Chen BACKPAGE DESIGN: Holly Li Contributors: Emily Ulrich, Nick Zaza, Andrew Fixler, Emily True, Noah Klayman, Brandon Slotkin, Vince Vaughn

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "I know it's herpes, guys." ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

over heard PENN at

Let’s face it—your steamy visions of a hot Mexican fling are unrealistic. If you’re single and ready for a Pringle, have no fear. There are ways to heat up your

winter before spring break: Christian Mingle, JDate, Grindr or, for most of us, Tinder. If you’re boring and ugly, there are couple of quick and easy tips for you to maximize your chances for landing that special someone via Tinder before you take off for PV.

1. Take pictures with all of your ugliest friends. Everyone always assumes that you’re the ugliest in a group pic, but you’ll be in the clear when they swipe to your second pic and see you’re not the ugly duckling of your friend group. Set the bar low and impress! Blow their expectations out of the water with your mediocrity! 2. Filter your pasty skin. Nothing says poor, boring and nerdy like a pallid com-

plexion from serving time in Van Prison. Slap a couple of filters on that shit. You just spent last weekend in the South of France and not dropping 84 resumes on PennLink! Instagram magic!

3. Dress to impress. Actually look like you’re not the washed up, twice divorced, 43–year–old father of three—get rid of your Lee’s jeans and baseball hat. If you’ve got nice clothes, make sure people can tell. Pull out your Canada Goose and make sure the tag on the left arm is casually—and completely—noticeable. If you want to be show–y, make sure the H on your Hermes belt is front center. You’ll find that H coming off in no time. Because you're Hot shit. 4. Have a witty bio—or just drop “Penn.” Maybe pretend you’re in Wharton. Even if it’s not witty, you’ll get a solid amount of action because people equate Penn with success. Keep lying to your parents; you totally have a life plan. 5. Have a hot bod and show it off. Nothing is sexier than a casual beach pic during the winter. Always have at least one shirtless or bikini pic on your profile.You’ll be sure to get plenty of messages complimenting on your toned bod—on Tinder and in the bedroom.

THEROUNDUP My lin is awesome. / They know me so well. / We’re the beSDT lin around, and everyone can tell! / They think I’m aDDDorable, so fresh and so PHIne. / I love my lin and I know they’re all mine / We love to hang and chat as a group. / But when it comes to gossip, Highbrow’s got the real scoop. Sometimes it’s okay to double dip. Highbrow hears that one Quaker got extra lucky this weekend. After attending a party with some fraternity brothers, a student took a girl home. Sources tell us that the duo did the dirty, but our virile friend wasn’t quite ready to end the night. He decided to attend another party that same evening and a

different girl caught his eye. The pair split off from the party to have some intimate time of their own. After some good ol’ penetration, the boy confessed he had already slept with a girl that night. Looks like Doublemint gum has it right: Double your pleasure, double your fun! Booze, bitches and books—one of these is not like the others. A little birdy told Highbrow that a group of young ladies were getting rowdy in the basement of VP on Saturday night. The seemingly drunk girls were on a special scavenger hunt and were desperately searching for a football player. Tbh, they were likely causing a scene for no

reason. Next time, Highbrow suggests you try Pottruck. Penn athletes are more the workout hard, play hard type. Another one bites the dust—looks like PanHELLenic has come down hard on yet another sorority. You know who you are. Snaps to Tridelt, SDT, ChiO, etc. for doing you in a safe and loving way. But some of our other, nastier sisters may need to cool down their burning desires. Highbrow wonders: Who will be the next good girls to go bad? We’re looking at you, Amy Gutmann. At Penn, we go hard in the paint. After a paint party, one dirty boy hit up Smokes, where he found a philanthropic friend willing clean him up. The duo went back to her house on Pine, where he proceeded to strip down and shower, leaving his belongings in the

Guy walking out of Wawa: I bought an extra pack of cigarettes for networking. Sorority girl in Rodin study booth: When did slavery start? Also, when did it end? Girl who probably writes for The Walk: C is for Chanel bag. My parents literally get me a Chanel bag every time I get a C. You don’t need knowledge for fashion— it’s just all about who you know. Asian: Chinese New Year might be the only night of the year I get to hang out with non–Jews.

girl's room—who subsequently locked him out of her room and PTFO'ed. Our wet friend banged on her door, but finally gave up and migrated down the hall to another housemate's bed, who was also asleep. The drunk boy attempted to play some Chamillionaire music, but luckily no one saw him ridin’ dirty. The freshly showered student finally realized that he would not be getting his belongings back that evening, so he ran two blocks to Pine Arms in nothing but a stolen towel—no clothes, no shoes, no phone, no memory. Hey, at least he was clean. The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E

WORD ON THE STREET

Life Inside of the PRIVILEGE BUBBLE

was prepared for a culture shock when I first came to Penn. I was warned the East Coast would be different than my Bay Area hometown: The weather would suck. The people wouldn’t be friendly. Everyone would be wearing salmon–colored shorts. I’d be turned off by the students from “old money” families with elite, institutionalist heritage coursing through their veins. I knew Penn would be a different culture. I didn’t realize it would be a bubble. Upon my arrival two years ago, I was shocked by the blatant, nonchalant displays of wealth. During move–in day, I watched a kid struggle to carry his flat screen TV. He then introduced me to the woman he’d hired to clean his room. I figured this was an isolated incident. Obviously, wealthy, entitled kids had to be freshmen somewhere. I just didn’t realize that somewhere meant Penn and the ostentatious display of excess was not isolated at all. At so few other places would it be normal to walk down the street and see hordes of Moncler coats or to attend a school churning out Wall Street wannabes. From my friends who name–drop celebrity neighbors, to the girl who told me her de–stressing habit is getting weekly massages downtown, to people discussing how Rumor is too ratchet to be worth an Uber ride, displays of wealth and the associated privilege seem to be all around us. But the obvious wealth of some doesn’t mean the rest of us are guilt– free by comparison. Look around any classroom, coffee shop or library; all you’ll see are MacBooks and iPhones. We love Restaurant Week, which really isn’t a bargain when you factor in tax, tip and taxi rides. We complain about Huntsman shutting down its escalators at 11pm. We lament the stress of OCR, forgetting that most other college students go to the recruiters 4

EMILY TRUE and not the other way around. I’m no exception. I complain about first world problems as often as anyone else—don’t ask me how I feel about searching for an outlet in HubBub. I’m just as guilty of ignoring my own privilege as anybody else. I justify going to the second BYO in a weekend because I don’t spend enough time with friends. I GrubHub to Huntsman because I "can’t waste study time." But I fear I could easily turn into the kind of person I can’t stand: out–of–touch, oblivious and naive. Because I’m part of the bubble, it bothers me when, as a community, we ignore its existence. It’s crazy that the vast majority of my friends didn’t factor in finances when applying to study abroad or consider the costs of joining a sorority before rush. Or, perhaps, they did, and decided to keep their financial situation to themselves. There’s a part of Penn that revolves around “keeping up with the Joneses,” either through your spring break plans, summer internship, social scene or Greek affiliation. Yet we forget to talk about the important stuff, that disparities exist and uneven playing ground. We obviously have privilege, whether that’s through attending an elite institution or through whatever perks our individual backgrounds may give us. But for the most part, we recognize it. I don’t think we’re aware of its impact as much we should be. Some students might actually live “the lifestyle of the rich and famous.” But most don’t, and it’s hard to remember that when all we seem to talk about are PV versus Cancun and the line at Sweetgreen. It’s easy to get rolled up in Penn–style bubble wrap, but we owe ourselves some self–awareness. It's less protection and may leave us feeling vulnerable, but it's definitely for the better.

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

This week, Word on the Street asked Penn students about privilege at Penn. Most students wouldn't discuss the topic, even fewer would allow their name next to their quote. But that's the thing about the conversations that make us uncomfortable—they're often the most important. Here’s what a few students had to say.

What Penn Students Really Think of Privilege “Unfortunately, I think privilege defines your experience at Penn. As a member of the Greek community, I am grateful for the friendships it has given me. However, when I look at my lifestyle at Penn, I can’t imagine living it without the level of privilege that I currently enjoy because of my parents.” —Female, CAS '17 “I think that there are definitely discrepancies in the wealth that different students have. Although the University has made improvements over the past couple of years, there’s still a lot to be done.”—Male, CAS '17 “Too many children have too much money that they don’t understand isn’t particularly theirs, which they feel like they have to spend endlessly, but they don’t have any idea what it’s like to work.”—Female, SEAS '18 “What am I supposed to say? I feel that everyone that I’m friends with feels very entitled, but they shouldn’t. And I’m gonna go volunteer now. See you later.”—Female, CAS '18 “I think a lot of people come from very privileged backgrounds, which makes a lot of people on a different playing field right from the start, which makes it hard for those with maybe not as much money to keep up with the others.” —Male, CAS '18 “Way too many Canada Gooses.” —Female, CAS '18 Additional reporting by Noah Klayman and Andrew Fixler

ILLUSTRATION BY AMY CHEN

word on the STREET

EGO

SYNON-NAMES: MONIKER MIX-UPS Name: Rebecca M. Stein (left) School: College Economics Professor Did you know someone else on campus had your exact name? Yes! Two in fact. How does it make you feel? Generic? Have you ever experienced a clerical error mixing you two up? I sometimes send myself emails with links to things I want to read later. When Becca sent me an email the first time, it lay in my inbox for a couple of days: I thought I was just ignoring myself. I didn’t realize this was from my student. Would you ever use this to your advantage? Or have you? Shoot—we should have traded places on the Econ 001 final. I would have taken the exam and she would have been in charge of grading 700 papers. It would have been Pareto Optimal. (Ed. note: This has something to do with profit gain. Street should probably take Dr. Stein’s class.)

Name: Rebecca F. Stein (right) School: College '15 Did you know someone else on campus had your exact name? Yes, I found out when I registered for Intro to Microeconomics before freshman year. How does it make you feel? I do feel really unaccomplished when I Google myself. I’m gonna need to really make it in life if I want to improve my search engine optimization. Dr. Stein has set the bar high for me. Have you ever experienced a clerical error mixing you two up? I was once invited to speak at Wharton, and I had to kindly decline. I’ve been sucked up to via email to an extent I can’t even describe, by both people I don’t know and friends of mine. I was also given the privilege of being a course designer for Intro to Microeconomics on Canvas. Would you ever use this to your advantage? Or have you? I’ve always been too nervous not to correct people when I get emails for the professor. I’m not so well–versed in identity theft laws, but I generally like to stay on the safe side.

Name: Jeremy T. Cohen School: College '17 Did you know someone else on campus had your exact name? On more than one occasion, someone will see me write my full name and look at me with surprise: “YOU’RE Jeremy Cohen?” My best response so far: “I’m *a* Jeremy Cohen. We are many.” How does it make you feel? I think he might be more beautiful than I am, but I’m okay with that. My pale skin versus his beautiful tan Mediterranean offering. (Yeah, so, maybe I’ve been shown picName: Madeline C. Penn (left) School: College '17 How does it make you feel? Honestly,annoyed sometimes when people mix us up. But I like it when we’re together and take Maddie Penn pics and make ourselves an entity. When we pass each other on Locust and we have this cute banter where we go: “Hi Maddie Penn! Hi Maddie Penn! Bye Maddie Penn! Bye Maddie Penn!” Have you ever experienced a clerical error mixing you two up? Many people told me that they voted for me for class president last year even though I never ran. Many people were also shocked to find out that I sing when a capella tryouts were taking place last year.

Ego brought you Doppelgängers and now we present Synon-names: people with the same identities on Penn Directory, but are totally different in person. Beware next time you email Rebecca Stein begging for an "A."

tures of other Jeremy up on Facebook. A number of times.) Have you ever experienced a clerical error mixing you two up? He was almost paid (instead of me) for my grading job in Wharton’s Stat department last semester. Would you ever use this to your advantage? Or have you? I don’t think we look nearly enough alike for one of us to pull off being the other. Even so... since he is a year older, if he happens to have an old driver’s license…

Name: Madeline G. Penn (right) School: College & Wharton '17 Have you ever experienced a clerical error mixing you two up? First semester freshman year I was signed up for zero classes. I tried enrolling in Chem 101 and the professor responded that I was enrolled in Italian at the time, and thus, could not enrolled. I get a lot of my doctors appointments cancelled in the city (Ed. note: they’re both from NYC). My mom particularly loves telling the story of when she showed up to my preschool way back when to find my teacher informing her that I was picked up by staff at the 92nd street Y for my gymnastics class, which the other Maddie Penn was enrolled in. I also once received a drunk call from a mutual friend we have from NYC trying to have a heart–to–heart about his love life. I’m not particularly good friends with him.

Name: Jeremy M. Cohen (standing) School: Wharton '16 Did you know someone else on campus had your exact name? I didn’t until I un–spammed this email! How does it make you feel? There can only be one. Sorry, other Jeremy Cohen. Have you ever experienced a clerical error mixing you two up? Not that I know of, but I hope other Jeremy Cohen is looking out for my GPA. Would you ever use this to your advantage? Or have you? Of course, I’m thinking something along the lines of The Parent Trap.

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PHOTO BY: JOSEPH PIPER

AMANDA SILBERLING

Q&A WITH 2:54 BRITISH AMBIENT DUO TO HYPNOTIZE JOHNNY BRENDA'S

Sisters Colette and Hannah Thurlow's gloomy and mysterious rock brought them all the way from London to the States as 2:54. Check them out on Sunday and appreciate their relocation. Street: You two are originally from London. How does playing in America compare to playing in the UK? Colette Thurlow: We love to play. Just being out on the road with the new album feels so good. Touring America is entrenched in myth for UK bands. The US audiences are incredible, really energized and supportive. You can't ask for more than a crowd that wants to make the night as special as you do. Street: Your sound seems to defy genres at times. What influences your sound? Hannah Thurlow: That's a great thing to hear. We're interested in creating atmospheres and textures, depth as well as direct structure. CT: We're influenced by each other—the terrain we find ourselves in. Writing can be a very cathartic process. Street: What are your hopes for this tour? CT: With every tour, your hope as a band is to play technically and emotionally great shows. When you come to a city to play, you're coming to, hopefully, create something special and memorable with that particular set of people at that particular point in time. That's the beauty of live music, the potential for connection and creating something beautiful, immersive and indelible. Street: What's the craziest thing that's happened during one of your shows? HT: We've had exploding amps, electrocutions, power outages, dancing stage invaders. We're prepared for anything. Street: We're a college–based publication—tell our readers why they should journey off-campus to check out 2:54! CT: You should journey off the beaten track as much as you can in this life. That's where the good stuff lives. Be brave! Come to the rock show! This interview has been condensed and edited.

Check out 2:54 on Sunday, March 1 at Johnny Brenda's.

YOUR WEEK IN MUSIC

MUSIC

What with midterms and Beck winning a Grammy, seems like ain’t nobody got time for this shit. Good thing Music did it for you.

WHAT TO SEE:

• Misterwives sold out Union Transfer tonight. With up– and–coming openers like BØRNS and Handsome Ghost, the show’s bound to be a good one. If you can't snag tix, read on, you jilted indie lover. • Go see The Dodos at Johnny Brenda’s tonight (Thursday). The gig has huge potential, considering the vivid new album the band released last month. As an added bonus, there's a big possibility of '08 throwbacks. Tickets still on sale, all ages, kiddies.

WHAT TO LISTEN TO:

• Imagine Dragons dropped their new album Smoke + Mirrors last Tuesday. General consensus is that they sound pretty much the same. Maybe it’s one of those “why–fix– what’s–not–broken” sort of things. We’ll let you decide. • José Gonzalez released his first solo album since 2007 last week. Consider it the musical equivalent of extra fluff in your comforter and let José warm up those cold, lonely nights. Check out "Let it Carry You."

WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR:

• Arcade Fire’s Will Butler will be writing a song per day for a week (started on 2/23) based on newspaper headlines from The Guardian. Each track will premiere on the paper’s website. • Sufjan Stevens released a new single “No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross” from his upcoming album Carrie & Lowell, revealing a return to his lo–fi roots. COLE SPEIDEL

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MUSIC

START

You did it! Now stop listening to music and call your mother.

… don't panic when writing seminar isn't actually that fucking easy to: “Lovers’ Carvings” by Bibio

(Photo: Iriefm.com)

...have sex under The Button: "Buttons" by Pussycat Dolls … hit up Pottruck: “Lost You” by Zeds Dead ...soothe a hangover: “Heartbeats” by Jose Gonzalez

… be excited about your newfound romance: “St. Patrick” by Pvris

...haul ass to DRL to: "Bam Bam" by Sister Nancy

… actively signal a booty call to: “Weekend” by Mocki

Missing your favorite childhood board game? Head over to the Start key to begin your Music Monopoly (Musicopoly?) adventure. Listen to the song and then move to the next square. Now you finally know what to jam out to when you’re walking around campus, avoiding past hookups, cramming for last–minute midterms or working out (read: pretending to workout). Lucky you!

… check your Canvas grades: “Teardrops on My Guitar” by Taylor Swift You're in VP? Poor you. Go back 4 squares (and check out Backpage in the meantime).

.. walk up to your hookup's house: “Do I Wanna Know” by Arctic Monkeys Lead singer, Alex Turner, is effing hot. Advance 3 squares.

… remember that D's get degrees: "Your Hand in Mine" by Explosions in the Sky

… be emotional about graduating: “Youth” by Foxes (the Adventure Club remix) (Photo: Consequenceofsound.com)

… wipe away tears when they don't text you back: “Crown of Love” by Arcade Fire

… live the raver life you never wanted to have: “Crimewave” by Crystal Castles

… workout to: “Work This Body” by Walk the Moon

… have a Quad dorm party: “Fireworks” by Animal Collective (Ed. note: LOL)

… pick up your spirits during midterms: “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World

… wake and bake to: “You & I” by Crystal Fighters

Love Jimmy Eat World. So One Tree Hill. Advance 3 squares.

… come off your Adderall after not failing a midterm to: “Little Games” by The Colourist

… celebrate your new sorority lineage: “Clique” by Kanye West feat. Jay–Z and Big Sean

… ignore the last person you hooked up with to: “Reflections” by Misterwives

… straight up chill to: “Amor Fati" by Washed Out

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F E AT U R E

WHAT DREXEL SAYS BEHIND Penn's Back We asked Drexel students to compare Drexel and Penn. REPORTING BY CLARE LOMBARDO AND AMANDA SUAREZ

“

DREXEL STUDENTS are smokin' hot here for the co–op sometimes too focused on industry instead of carving their own road

mostly male

ambitious

PENN STUDENTS ARE hardworking

trying a lot harder than everyone at Drexel

homogeneous

privileged

partying more than they did in high school

Preppy—so many salmon shorts and boat shoes. They sometimes seem to think that they are smarter than they actually are (Looking at you, Wharton kids).

slow walkers who take up the entire sidewalk

MES O C T A H T D R O THE FIRST W PENN F O K N I H T I EN TO MIND WH

y v I parties

e l t o p i h C

pretentious

d e t a r r e v o

DREX

EL IS

"I remember one time I was working and my boss had called Drexel "Penn's ugly cousin."" – Miranda, junior

"I work at the Greek Lady. [Penn students] are way more comfortable." – Jesse, sophomore

Special thanks to Drexel's student newspaper, The Triangle, and Humans of Drexel University

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When was the last time you walked down Chestnut, passed 34th and watched the signs turn from red and blue to blue and yellow? Was it for a burger at Shake Shack or stuffed Challah french toast at Sabrina’s? Maybe you bypassed it all and headed to 30th Street Station ve "I love Penn. I ha or Center City. Penn and Drexel may be just blocks a few friends from apart, but given our limited interaction with the go high school who school, you’d never know that. there. Penn is...I So how does the other half of University City live? don't know how to This week, Street hit their campus to do some fidescribe it. It's de digging. We collected and edited over 140 surnitely different" vey responses and spent some time on the hman – Samantha, fres streets of Drexel interviewing anyone who ns, interactio would talk to us. Now you know "I've had in some y ll ia c e esp what Drexel actually thinks ts, where restauran about you. ents have

LESS

(Photos by Amanda Suarez.)

THAN

HAN __ T

re _

mo EL IS

DREX

___

PENN

• • • • • •

school–spirited square footage formal well–known of a namedropping school fake

• full of normal middle class students • practical • fast–paced • based in reality • low–key

Penn stud ng arm tro tried to s ." their way e–junior – Jack, pr

PENN AS A SCHOOL IS closed off

a cultivator of white collar criminals

historic

too prestigious for what it is

beautiful

respected

DREXEL AS A SCHOOL IS slowly making a like Penn, but more chill name for the nation's oldest up–and–coming university itself a landgrab disguised as an academic institution

fast–paced

penn and drexel are both

too expensive merging in the future

full of geeky kids—maybe less so at Penn

located in University City mixed bag Philly schools

”

F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

VINCE VAUGHN

FILM & TV

acting. “I approached life backwards,” he remarked in his DILF monotone, unmistakable even over video chat. “I didn’t think of how I could make a living. I just kept investigating my passion and kept working at it." Not everyone is lucky enough to have a life plan at age 18. (We're at Penn because we don't have a plan.) So what advice does Vaughn have for "someone in college who doesn’t have any idea what Photo courtesy of Cross Culture Marketing: 20th Century Fox Film Corporation they want to do?" Street video chatted with our favorite Wedding Crasher and found out he's like a “Don’t let other peoples’ fortune cookie: full of wisdom and useful for navigating foreign lands. wants or results dictate your lives" (according to IMDB), We know Vince Vaughn showed us how to land an process. The main thing is that crashes weddings, grabs life internship. Besides putting a the trio must endure a sex you land on something you face to his favorite journalists, convention, language barriers by the balls and breaks up feel good about," advised the with Jennifer Aniston. But the main point of this Google and James Marsden. small business owner/Google Hangout was to promote his But in the Google Hanguntil yesterday, Tuesday, intern/Loki in the TV version soon–to–be–released comedy, out, the actor said that the 2:30pm EST in the Street of Hercules. "You don’t have to Unfinished Business. real Vince Vaughn never put office, we did not know that commit to something today money first. In the film, Vaughn gets Mr. Vaughn participates in and then follow that choice In fact, Vince Vaughn knew Google hangouts with college fired by his femme fatale boss for 15 years. You’re going to and consequently starts a busi- that he wanted to be Vince journalists. change your goals [and] your Vaughn by the time he was Thank you for chatting with ness with Dave Franco and interest.” a high school senior. And so, us, Vince. We love you even Tom Wilkinson. To land the For Vince, that change is "most important deal of their he skipped college to pursue more than we did when you happening as we communicate

ON UNFINISHED BUSINESS, GOOGLE HANGOUTS AND FINDING HIS SPARKLE

College Houses presents the

like [he] could do comedies.” Vince shuns the non-believers. “Once I did Old School, I went on a longer run of doing mainly comedies.” Balancing life as actual Vince Vaugh, Vince Vaughn in Unifinished Business and Vince Vaughn on "True Blood" isn't an identity crisis.“I feel really excited to get on a different tone…It’s fun to mix it up," he smiles, commenting on life as three different Vince Vaughns. Vince addresses his different roles with the slogan, “Dying is easy; comedy is hard.” When “you have to make people laugh, you have to do something harder than what you do in drama," he notes. And so, for Vince, “dramas are less intimidating than approaching a comedy.” So he’s made people cry on the small screen, while making them pee their pants at The Rave and hung out with college journalists, what else does Vince Vaughn want to accomplish?

2015

PENN STUDENT

Photo courtesy of Cross Culture Marketing: 20th Century Fox Film Corporation

SCREENING SCHEDULE Tuesday, March 31

Wednesday, April 1

Thursday, April 2

Du Bois College House

Harrison College House

Gregory College House

8 PM • Multipurpose Room (first floor)

8 PM • Heyer Sky Lounge

8 PM • Cinema Lounge (in Van Pelt)

Student filmmakers: Submit your work by March 27

Films can be no longer than 8 minutes. All genres of films will be accepted to the competition. All entries must be submitted in DVD readable format. Each individual or team can submit no more than one entry. All entries must have been made in the 2014-15 year. See all submission guidelines and learn how to submit your film at:

www.collegehouses.upenn.edu/filmfest 2/26/15 1 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

across the magic of Google Hangouts. While working on Unfinished Business, he also worked on "True Detective", pulling the Hannah Montana/ Miley Cyrus card: gravitating between criminal Frank Semyon on TV and Daniel Trunkman on the big screeen. But even though we mostly know Vaughn as a Fred Clausesque comedy actor, "True Blood" marks a return to his dramatic roots. When Vaughn originally auditioned for Old School, haters (read: the studio) “didn’t want [him] because they didn’t feel

He wants to “find the sparkle.” But he has no idea where that sparkle lives. “I’ve never had much of a plan.” He comments before ending the video chat. “I just listen to myself…have the best experience, grow from it, find the material and people that excite [me].” And with that, Vince Vaughn finishes his unfinished business.

ALEXANDRA STERNLICHT

TOP 10: IF YOU HANG OUT HERE, WATCH THIS Studying sucks. Procrastinate with one of these thematically appropriate movies at your locale of choice.

HAydeN HALL Watch Jumanji. Repress the nightmares you had after watching it when you were six. After you watch Jumanji, Hayden Hall (the environmental studies building to the uninitiated) will retraumatize you with its plants and rock displays that remind you of that kid's terrifying monkey face.

HUNTSMAN Watch Lost. Seriously, think about it. The characters on Lost are exactly like those who frequent Huntsman: always speaking very rapidly, arguing about something and never really telling you the truth. Not to mention how intellectually lost or physically lost you feel in Huntsman. Too many floors and not enough windows, guys. Shut it down.

WILLIAMS Watch Jane the Virgin. This adapted telenovela on the CW features people speaking Spanish and is the closest to language immersion you’ll get without actually having to listen to, you know, learn.

DRL Watch 2 Broke Girls. Fun Fact: creator Whitney Cummings is a Penn alum. You can convince people that you’re not actually intellectually superior. It’ll make you seem more approachable!

HILLEL Watch Prince of Egypt. What better movie to emotnally prepare yourself for Passover? (Ed. note: No time like the present.) Get yourself a wrap, complete with unleavened bread and watch Moses slay the animated musical game.

VAN PELT

Watch The Shining. Not to be a downer, but you’ve got to prepare yourself for the mental breakdown you’re clearly about to have. All work and no play makes an average Penn student.

ROOFTOP LOUNGES Watch Vertigo. You’ll garner a considerable appreciation for the room length glass windows after seeing the kind of anxiety standing on unenclosed roofs cause these Hitchcock characters.

POTTRUCK Watch Bigger Stronger Faster. Look, no one’s saying those guys who are always in the second floor weight room do steroids. That’s not fair. But I mean, if they were to have a friend who did, they might want to watch Bigger Stronger Faster, a documentary about anabolic steroids. For their friend.

RITTENHOUSe

Watch Taxi Driver. If you spend that much time greek lady in Rittenhouse, you’re Watch My Big Fat probably not one Greek Wedding. to SEPTA there. We're hoping This one the sequel, seems selfexplanato- Uber, will be ry. Opa! out soon.

FILM & TV

YOUR WEEK IN WHAT YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED FOR: • Bernie, a biopic about a strange man who killed his older lover for her money, starring Matthew McConaughey at the beginning of his McConnaisance. Gregory College House @ 8pm on Thursday, Feb 26. • On Friday, February 27 @ 8pm, Harnwell College House will be showing The Intouchables, a French comedy–drama about the budding relationship between a wealthy quadriplegic and his ex–con caretaker. • Jack Black–voiced animated comedy Kung Fu Panda airs @ 8pm on Saturday, February 28 at Gregory College House. The 2008 film is a modern day kids' classic.

FILM

WHAT TO CATCH ON TV: • Well, technically it's Netflix, but all of Season 3 of House of Cards starts streaming at 3am on Friday, February 27. • The Last Man on Earth, starring SNL alum Will Forte, is a new buzzed–about comedy premiering on Fox on Sunday, March 1 @ 9pm. The show also stars January Jones and Daily Show alum Kristen Schaal, which must mean that Forte isn't the actual last man on Earth. Plot twist!

INS

WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT:

• The Oscars. JK Simmons told everyone to call their parents, Patricia Arquette made a rallying call for equal pay and Alejandro Iñárritu was the real winner as he won for Best Director and Birdman took home the Best Picture prize. We have a feeling Richard Linklater might take a while to recover from all of Boyhood's snubs. •Strange goings–on at the box office: Fifty Shades of Grey has surpassed $400 million globally. Kingsman: The Secret Service has beat all Bond and Bourne movies internationally as the highest–grossing R–rated export. And two best picture nominees, American Sniper and The Theory of Everything have both grossed $100 million worldwide.

OUTS

As Heidi Klum put it: In Film and TV, one day you're in and the next you're out. At least, we're pretty sure that's the quote. Either way, here's what's what. IN: Better Call Saul. There’s a new lovable, morally corrupt man in town, and he comes in the form of Walter White’s shady lawyer Saul Goodman. Episodes are updated every Tuesday on Netflix. OUT: Re–watching old Breaking Bad episodes to relive the glory days. It’s okay to let go. IN: History pieces. From The Imitation Game to Selma, movies centered around historical events owned this year’s awards season. OUT: War movies. Sorry, Bradley Cooper. You and your enormous facial hair were fantastic in American Sniper. But we’d take watching Benedict Cumberbatch doing math over your moral and emotional decline any day. No offense. IN: Getting excited for Mad Men’s final season. Yes, it’s currently February. Yes, it premieres in April. No, it’s not too early. It’s never too early for Jon Hamm. OUT: Still not watching Mad Men. The show that made AMC relevant again boasts six seasons on Netflix. It’s time to finally hop on board and get caught up before the new season premieres. (Ed. note: What are midterms?) 13

FOOD & DRINK

COCKTAILS THAT COULD BE MEALS WHITE RUSSIAN AT VINTAGE WINE BAR & BISTRO Where? Vintage Wine Bar & Bistro, 129 South 13th Street How much? $9.00 How many? 438 calories Get it when… You’re on a first date and all you plan to order is alcohol…I mean, um, dessert.

(Photo: Tarascobar.pl)

Where? Stratus Lounge, 433 Chestnut Street How much? $12.00 How many? 328 calories Get it when… You want to crash a wedding party and realize the food is only for the invited. Go figure.

(Photo: Emily Ulrich)

MANDARIN MARTINI AT STRATUS

BOILER MAKER AT XIX

3736 Spruce Street Hours Mon - fri: 7am - 7pm Sat - Sun: 8am - 7pm hubbubcoffee.com

Where? XIX Bar, 200 South Broad Street How much? $13.00 How many? 386 calories Get it when… You arrive at last call, only to find the kitchen closed an hour ago. (Photo: Emily Ulrich)

DISTRITO FROZEN MARGARITA

#drinkHubBubdowork

(Photo: Jennifer M. Wood, Distrito.com)

Where? Disrito, 3945 Chestnut Street How much? $10.00 How many? 675 calories Get it when… You’ve had your fill of listening to the person sitting next to you.

SPIKED HOT CHOCOLATE

(Photo: Wikimedia.commons.org) 1 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

Where? The off–campus sorority house How much? It depends. Do you know a sister? How many? around 500 calories Get it when… The snow day has officially been called. (Ed. note: Still waiting patiently on that one.)

FOOD & DRINK

Even with the average meal ringing in at about 300–600 calories, we didn't have to look hard to find drink options with enough calories to replace your dinner.

WHITE CHOCOLATE AND LEMON NAPOLEON

BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY...

Who are you kidding? Of course you’re also gonna get dessert. Try Vintage's white chocolate and lemon curd Napoleon. The chocolate will match your drink's decadence, while the acid from the lemon curd will keep you from getting bored with the chocolate–y sweetness. How many? 294 calories Get it when... The date sucks and you'd rather have a threesome with your drink and dessert.

(Photo: Gildedfork.com)

MEXICAN SHRIMP CEVICHE

BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY...

Even if your light tropical drink leaves you feeling almost healthy, you'll probably end up munching on more tortilla chips than marinated shrimp once the vodka hits. Indulge. How many? 150 calories (not including chips) Get it when... You find yourself drinking fancy shit at an "Asian fusion lounge," and all you really want is a fucking taco. (Photo: Stratus Rooftop Lounge)

ANYTHING FROM APPLEBEE’S BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY...

XIX’s kitchen closes early, but the Applebee’s across the street is open until 2am. Everything there tastes the same, so we won't recommend anything specific. Go with your (drunk) gut.

beer is always a

How many? Around a million calories. You're young; you'll be fine. Get it when... You want everyone to know a life without self– respect is actually pretty fucking fun. (Photo: Twitter.com/applebees)

BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY...

You might think nibbling on chips and guac is the best move to counteract the 675 liquid calories sliding down your throat. Wrong. When you're drunk you can’t pace the golden chips–to–guac ratio. We recommend Distrito's Huarache De Hongos instead. It's tasty and somewhat satisfying. Plus, you’ll never sound cooler saying "mushroom flatbread."

(Photo: Twitter.com/wishbonephilly)

BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY...

HUARACHE DE HONGOS

WISHBONE CHICKEN

slam dunk. We’ve got your march madness beer! springfield beer distributor

(Photo: Yelp User, Liz C.)

How many? 290 calories Get it when... You (wrongfully) decide you're too classy for the nachos.

Zesto is too small and McDonald’s is too loud for your type of drunk. On the bright side, there’s no way you’ll fuck up more than the guy that shattered the chicken counter last week.

How many? Not too bad if you didn’t also get mac and chee…oh you did. In that case, a fuckton. Get it when... You woke up that same morning surrounded by empty Wishbone containers and swore you'd never do it again.

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F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

ARTS

As the film rolled three

shock–value, Western hemisphere scary movie. It had a weeks ago in Aleppo, Syria, villain. It had heroes. It had a new kind of horror movie a grotesque killing. The real was starting to unfold. In a horror, though, was in the number of ways, it wasn’t difcontext. What was projected ferent from any other cheap, on the screen for a public

1 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

viewing was Muadh al–Kasasbeth’s execution, played in front of a group of 11 to 14 year old boys. “Propaganda in media and film tends in one of two directions,” explains Tim Corrigan, a Penn English and cinema studies professor.“One kind of propaganda is used to mobilize people through narratives of heroes…The other kind of propaganda isn’t so much about mobilizing as much as it is about terrifying.” The latter is the one we’re familiar with when it comes to ISIS. It’s a form of propaganda that foregoes narrative in favor of spectacle. “These videos are not meant to make ISIS attractive. They’re meant to make their enemies and foes terrified of what they’re capable of doing.” What you probably don't know is that there are also some ISIS propaganda videos that easily fit the former category, too. ISIS also produces videos that show members rebuilding the community and helping out in hospitals. But in a way, the execution video does the same thing; ISIS members exterminate Westerners—the proverbial villains in their narrative. The videos of community building and slaughering alike entice young recruits with heroics. Think about going to the movies. For two hours of escapism, you sit in front of one monolithic screen with no history, no outside thoughts. You’re no longer

you—you’re Luke Skywalker or Batman. You’re a hero. For recruits watching ISIS execution videos, the illusion of being a hero doesn’t end after watching the movie. They go one step further and become the heroes they just watched. “What a recruit sees in the execution videos is power—a capacity to go beyond any limits and never balk at anything that’s going to stop the cause” explains Corrigan. What makes the execution videos uneasy to watch, besides grotesque violence, is the familiar enchantment with the art of filmmaking and a universal longing to be heroes. It’s this same sense of longing and voyeuristic fantasy that caused such a polarizing debate over the recent film American Sniper, where, as Corrigan points out, the protagonist “becomes a hero primarily for his capacity to ruthlessly kill. And ruthlessly kill people that Westerners don’t think are worthy of living.” So what makes the on– screen violence in an ISIS execution video and an American–made film so different? Corrigan notes, “A lot of people in their outrage and horror about these execution videos wouldn’t have the same outrage and horror when they watch a fictional film or documentary that perpetrates some sort of similar kind of violence—but in the name of patriotism.” The tipping point becomes whether the ideologies of film

and viewer agree. Of course, not many people are moved to violence through movies. (Although there's an entire school of thought that relates violence and video games.) But when you go into a film that shares your ideals, you can find fascination, pride and identification within the violence. In this way, ISIS execution video and violent Hollywood films like American Sniper are markedly similar. It’ not just violence in film that perpetuates ideology. As Corrigan explains, “Any sort of media representation is going to be structured around an ideological point of view. It’s going to represent certain positions on gender, on family, on history, on nation.” It’s too far to say that all media is propaganda, but subtle pushes of ideology is in the media every day. Simply put, a single film or piece of media—or even several— won’t tell the story from all sides. Fox News published the same unedited execution video on their website in order to perpuate American terror and hatred of ISIS. The same footage, framed differently, told a dramatically different story. There are horror movies made every day in ISIS. They’re made of blood, violence, pride and fear. But is it too far to say that American media outlets and filmmakers do the same thing? JUSTIN SHEEN

ARTS

We are more than our vaginas. It's about time The Vagina Monologues updated its views on sex, sexuality and what it means to be a woman. I don’t love The Vagina Monologues. It’s a loaded statement that invites the multitudes of vagina warriors on our campus to fight and convince me otherwise. When Eve Ensler first published The Vagina Monologues, in 1996, the collection of monologues was scandalous and revolutionary. The monologues sparked a dialogue about the cultural taboo of speaking out about vaginas. Since it's inception, VagMons has become a preeminent platform for women to examine sexism and sexuality. The VagMons movement has changed hundreds of thousands of women’s lives and raised millions of dollars to stop violence against women. It would be unspeakable to undermine these incredible accomplishments and contributions. My qualm is that the monologues themselves are now outdated. Most of the monologues are written from a middle– class, straight, white woman’s perspective. As a result, the play fails to show the wide range of experiences of womanhood. Ensler conducted over 300 interviews and tried to capture the perspectives of many women, but these interviews are filtered through Ensler’s voice. In VagMons, women of color and non–Western women play only a small part in a supposedly universal, but particularly white and Western, representation of

female sexuality. In countries like Korea and the Netherlands, culturally appropriate adaptations of the play have been written to combat the inherently Western (specifically, American) material that they find culturally irrelevant and degrading. At Penn, our extremely diverse cast and crew may seem to offset these concerns, but the original script still creates problems. For example, “My Vagina Was My Village” graphically describes the rape and torture of a Bosnian woman. Rather than destabilizing stereotypes about the female experience in the “Third World”, the monologue strengthens the narrative of poor, ethnic victims. In addition, the monologues also fail to include the trans community. Despite its one (optional) monologue about a transgendered woman, the play perpetuates the idea that the vagina is what makes a woman. What about the women who do not have vaginas? Or men who do have vaginas? Or people who identify differently altogether? The play suggests that those without vaginas cannot identify as women and that those with vaginas have no choice but to do so. As a result, VagMons fails to encompass not only transgender and genderqueer identities, but celibate, abstinent, bisexual and disabled individuals. Every year, V–Day has a “spotlight campaign”

TAKING A STANCE ON THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

which highlights a particular group of women who are experiencing violence, with the intent of raising awareness and funds around and toward their specific issue. Over the past decade, attention has been called to the women of Afghanistan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Iraq. I fear that those who hear these stories without ever being introduced to that region’s broader cultural fabric won't hear the perspectives of the women who actually live there. On one point, Ensler and I agree: the world has changed dramatically in the twenty years since The Vagina Monologues debuted. In fact, Ensler believes that

new voices should be writing new plays if they wish to have a Vagina Monologues– esque work to reflect these growing concerns over her original script. In support of the general cause, you’ll find me in the audience at Penn’s annual production of The Vagina Monologues. But maybe in time, we can move away from this specific play and perform a new work that will give voice to the strains found in Ensler’s aging play. I believe Ensler would celebrate the feminist movement—and her legacy— continuing with a new generation filled with diverse hardships, pleasures and perspectives. LING ZHOU

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F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

I LO DEN W TIT HI BR Y GH O W CR BR D IS OW OE IS: S

LOWBROW

LOWBROW'S GUIDE TO It’s not easy getting to the top. But Lowbrow has the inside scoop on how to fake it until you make it!

Some people will tell you to always dress in black, but you want to peacock! How about a cape? Or a brightly colored vest so cars can see you at night? We heard that groutfits are coming back into style. But why stop at just groutfits? Make it a poutfit (all purple)! Or a bloutfit (all blue or all blubber—you decide)!

Everyone’s going to forget the girl who didn’t break her ass. Break your ass! Slip and fall! MERT yourself! Make a scene! No one will ever forget that. Hey, it might even get you into Highbrow, you lucky little duckling.

BRAND NEW Student Apartments! Enjoy granite kitchens with all appliances, custom private bathrooms, hardwood floors, Flat Screen TVs in family rooms, alarm systems, front door monitors, fire sprinkler systems.

FREE SHUTTLE SERVICE for all tenants to and from campus every 45 minutes! 38th & Spring Garden: 3BR, 3BTH – starting at $1,895.00 38th & Hamilton: 3BR, 3BTH – starting at $2,000.00 38th & Hamilton: 3BR, 2BTH – starting at $1,950.00

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Limited Availability. Call today! 855-205-0500 | universityrealtyapartments.com 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

Find a S.O. You don’t need to go parties. You can just stay in and watch old episodes of Yu–Gi–Oh! That's what boyfriends are for. Love means never having to put on pants or go outside.

Is it happening in the Rodin Rooftop Lounge? No? You’re not going. Where's the free Qdoba, guys?

Make yourself more interesting, even if you have to stretch the truth. Tell everyone that your family is a clan of Syrian rebels. They don’t know that you’re from Chicago. Find a small scar on your body. Explain that you had a run–in with a Samurai warrior back in ‘Nam. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to make sense.

Join a club! We’re not talking about Rumor. We’re talking about Penn Backgammon Association.

Do you love gossip? We love gossip. Because we're Highbrow. We heard Emma Watson is dating Prince Harry! Just kidding. This is not actually Higbrow. This is Lowbrow. It is all fake. Emma's way too good for Prince Harry.

I LO DEN W TIT HI BR Y GH O W CR BR D IS OW OE IS: S

LOWBROW

LOWBROW'S GUIDE TO It’s not easy getting to the top. But Lowbrow has the inside scoop on how to fake it until you make it!

All are FURNISHED, and have a FITNESS CENTER & STUDY ROOM!

Limited Availability. Call today! 855-205-0500 | universityrealtyapartments.com 1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

Find a S.O. You don’t need to go parties. You can just stay in and watch old episodes of Yu–Gi–Oh! That's what boyfriends are for. Love means never having to put on pants or go outside.

Is it happening in the Rodin Rooftop Lounge? No? You’re not going. Where's the free Qdoba, guys?

Join a club! We’re not talking about Rumor. We’re talking about Penn Backgammon Association.

LOWBROW

DISPATCH:

over heard PENN at

It was another Saturday night. Until it wasn’t. 9:40pm: Just hanging with my girls, drinking Smirnoff Ice.

There is no fate worse than this. Except for maybe...

10:00pm: So, this mixer sucks.

11:30pm: MARTIANS. I sneak into Skeeter’s room. I'm behind the radiator. There are bodies everywhere. I see now that they came to Earth to steal pancreases to power their ship. I don’t technically need a pancreas. But now it’s personal.

10:01pm: Is the floor is shaking? What happened to the lights? Is this an earthquake? West Philly is so scary. 10:15pm: All is quiet, too quiet. 10:16pm: They tore off the fucking roof! OH MY GOD are those their FACES?! I can’t unsee those faces. If those are even faces... 10:20pm: “Take me to your leader, beep boop beep.” But Amy Gutmann is in New York this weekend! 10:30pm: They’ve got Lilly! They said they’d come in peace. There is no peace. Only darkness.

Sceney bitch: I’m done with this life of excess. I’m going to become a monk. Sophomore musical theater boy: If Marcus fucks up this tap number one more time, I will slice his throat open. I’ve done it before, so help me God.

12:00pm: If I’m going down, the martians are going with me. I’m going to set this house on motherfuckin' fire. Good thing this is a mixer—there’s so much cheap vodka. This is gonna go down like a damn inferno. Hasta la vista, baby!

11:00pm: *Whispers.* I am in the second floor bathroom. The tub is cold against my skin. Why did I wear booty shorts? Fuck this Dukes of Hazzard–themed mixer. OMG the tub is so gross. Why is it orange?

THE Welcome back bitches. But this isn’t the dog park anymore. This week Highbrow got a little too drunk (also the oxycotin didn’t help). Now Lowbrow’s writing the (G)Round Up. Buckle the fuck down while we lay some gossip on you. #bark We know how you guys like puns, so dogs.... umm, dogs. We heard that Jeff forgot to bring a pen to Psych100, so he had to write with a sharpie instead. Sounds like permanent disaster to us. He could have asked someone for a Penn, but everyone uses a computer in that class.

We sent Madame Clarice, our resident telepath, around campus to get the real scoop on what people are thinking.

Pretty girl in Metro: I hope no one finds out I’m a lizard–person. Athlete: I'm tired from these early morning practices. AXO in Van Pelt: Hamster is a weird word. Hamp–ster. Ham–ster.

ROUNDUP

Like, everyone is on Facebook. Scandal. Enough about classes; lets party! Two freshman girls went to a frat party and maybe drank a little too much. One reportedly said “I think I’m gonna vomit,” but didn’t actually vomit. It's important to count your drinks. Don't have over 1 drink an hour. Have fun, but be safe. Lowbrow is sick to our stomachs just thinking about over–indulging. Speaking of drunk, sources tell us that some boys decided to go a little drunk to a SAC–funded event even though alcohol was expressly prohib-

ited. Luckily, the frat boys were so impressed by the talent at the Glee show that they respectfully decided to not heckle for the sake of their good friends. Lowbrow’s a respectful level of drunk just thinking about it A girl slipped on the ice today walking to class. I guess you could say it was a slippery situation. Our sources say that a boy in SAE helped her up and said, “Are you okay? That looked like it hurt.” She thought he was cute, but she was embarrassed. She said, "it's fine." Bruised butts and bruised egos aside, the pair never spoke again.

Lowbrow has never been to a party. This was harder than we thought. #bark The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. But this isn't even the actual Round Up, so you can pretty much assume that none of these tips are real. And if any of them were real we wouldn't have verified them because we're fucking Lowbrow and we do what we want.

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B AC K PAG E

“The dating scene is definitely better during exams. Tips? Cuter boys come in around midterms and finals, because then it’s not just the nerds, like me, here.” —Allison Bachner, CAS ‘16

“The coolest thing about studying religious studies is that you get to ask the big questions, like ‘Why are we here?’ Or ‘What is the meaning of life?’ Questions that every other major never really ever addresses.” Rachel Dinh, College ‘17

“The dating scene here? Um, there are a lot of APES guys here.“ —Seema Patel, CAS ‘16

“The only thing inspiring me at this point are the dirty carpets and the smell of feet.“ —Sufyan Dabbous, W ‘18

“My dream job is to work for the English Premier League. I’m going to get a piece of paper that says "Wharton" on it. So I think that should help. I’m studying here instead of Huntsman because the environment is too asshole–y.” —Andrew “Zero” Witherspoon, W ‘18 “I’m a mechanical engineering major. My partner and I made a laser– cut press–fit racecar. Press– fit means that there are no adhesives used, so everything is cut to a thousandth of an inch so that the parts fit together perfectly. I’m running into some issues right now because the axels won’t turn.” —Ros Shinkle E ‘18

YOUR COZY HOME FOR MIDTERM HELL. ALSO: APPARENTLY THERE'S A DATING SCENE THERE? Photos: Amy Chen

“I am most grateful for the fact that Mark’s is open “After midnight, the weirdest people come in. There’s a man in Mark’s until 3 and Axis is open with literally piles of books and paper and there’s a guy who looks like the 24/7.” grandpa from Up who strolls around. There’s a man with one leg that chills here, too.” —Keren Murillo, CAS '16 —Alexy Abelanet, CAS ‘15 2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 6 , 2 01 5

“The dating scene down here isn’t great. Probably because talking out loud is really frowned upon.” (Ed. note: Jeez, I can take a hint.) —Amarsingh Gawande, CAS ‘18