December 4th, 2014

December 4 - 10, 2014 34st.com

december 4 LOL

3 HIGHBROW

2014

diamonds and demin, an open letter, dear diary

4 EGO

sweet 16 lexicon, eotw: savannah (season 5), cheat sheet

LOL

LOL

LOL

6 MUSIC

set list, omg you need to listen to this: shrek, album review: jojo

casting call, episode guide

10 FEATURE

party planning guide

cake, cake, cake, savings

LOL

I’d ask for your RSVP, but you’re already here.

Hope you enjoy dancing with Nicole Scherzinger and of course, me, the Super Street star. VIPs: you’ll get to drive away in my LamboMV. Oh, and don’t forget to stop by the Tuna Tataki bar.

This is going to be a night we’ll never forget!

8 FILM

13 FOOD & DRINK

LOL

The honor of presence is requested at most decadent, diamond-encrusted, celebrity offspring-filled affair since the birth of North West. Yeah, you’re a big deal, because you’re invited to

DEAR DIARY: STREET HAS A CRUSH. ACTUALLY, WE HAVE A COUPLE. AND WE WANT TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL. JOIN US TONIGHT FOR OUR FINAL MEETING OF THE SEMESTER @ SMOKES 6:30PM. WE'LL SUPPLY THE TEQUILA SHOTS. JUST BRING YOUR SEXY SELVES.

16 ARTS

Edz past and present Ben Lerner Rachel Bass Sam Rubenstein Ilana Nathans Sarah Fox Manola Gonzalez Zoe Stern Courtney Lipson Cami Potter Anthony DeCurtis Pallavi Wakharkar Ava van der Meer Dani Blum Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie

artist profile: type–a mom, diy tiara

18 LOWBROW

inside the production studio

20 BACKPAGE wish list

Joe Miciak Suzette Wanninkhof Sofia Demopolos Allison Elliott Dani Blum Adam Oelberg Joshua O'Sullivan Jeremy Bamidele Syra Ortiz-Blanes Greg Boyek Siyona Ravi Julia Wang Hallie Brookman Daniel Spinelli Rebecca Gever

Danny Siegel Sam Tolbert Samantha Kochman Peishan Huang Diego Figueroa Paul DiNapoli Ali Greenstein Daniel Maher Paul Hendrickson Stephanie Tang Christin Molisani Cami Potter Ashley Sartoris Leonard Eisen Madeline Penn

Michelle Kim Joyce Pan Katrina Murray Harley Geffner Michael Gu Taylor Hosking Ariel Smith Charles Davis Caroline Marques Victoria Meyer Amy Gutmann The husband of Amy Gutmann Tiffany Wang Josephine Kloeckner

Chae Park Sarah Lindstedt Amy Sartoris Sarah DeVaro Alexa Fecca Sarah DeVaro Isaac Silbers Amanda Silberling Bethany Christy Natalie LarkinGilmore

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, One Direction Patrick Ford-Matz, Nerf guns and pogs Abigail Koffler, Kale Margot Halpern, N*SYNC 'n pink Sarah Tse, Booze Cruise on the River Styx Byrne Fahey, Softballs and hard balls Ling Zhou, Pillow pets Conor Cook, VS Fashion Show After Party Emily Johns, Emily's Club Ciara Stein, Corn Nicole Malick, OMG SHOES Alyssa Berlin, Super Sweets 16 Ryan Zahalka, BYO Sacrifical Animal Clare Lombardo, S'mores 'n snores!

2

Katie Hartman, A bat mitzvah Alexandra Sternlicht, Insomnia and Misery Julia Liebergall, Makin' a splah Marley Coyne, 16th birthday party Lucy Hovanisyan, Studio 54 Mark Paraskevas, Just chillin' Justin Sheen, SURPRISE! Molly Collett, Exclusive Rosa Escandon, War of 1812 Adam Hersh, like, sports, which I totally like Ariela Osuna, a Mexican quinceanara Patrick del Valle, Sexy Striptease Seance Sara Thalheimer, Half or twice the fun?

Orly Greenberg, Flashmob

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Giulia Imholte, Cheese curds and apple juice Diane Bayeux, Marie Antoinette Rachel Rubin, Not a bat mitzvah Cassandra Kyriazis, Grillz Casey Quackenbush, Blood. Period.

COVER DESIGN: Byrne Fahey BACKPAGE DESIGN: Ariela Osuna Contributors: Amanda Silberling, Katrina Murray, Corey Fader

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at bower@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581.

VISIT OUR WEB SITE: www.34st.com "It's probably either poop or sunshine." ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

AN

Don’t just dress to impress; dress to dazzle! It’s my party, so let me tell you what to wear. Obviously, I need to be the hottest, but you can be lukewarm!

Boys: Shoes: A classic dress shoe is appropriate, Girls: Shoes: Definitely something with a heel.

This is the night to take out your nicest pair of shoes. Maybe even ask your mom to borrow a pair of hers, as well. Like, if you’re into vintage and they aren’t fug.

Apparel: Denim. True Religion and Seven for all Mankind--always safe options. Keep your Abercrombie in the closet for this event. Also, make sure your denim is bedazzled and has strategic rips, because that looks espensive. BBM me if you get confused!

Accessories: Accessorize, ladies. The theme says it all: diamonds. Real diamonds are preferred, but Swarovski crystals will definitely pass. Preferably on your hoop earrings.

As you know, this Saturday is my Super Sweet 16. Everything needs to be perfect, but I’m getting worried because my parents are so stupid and already messing things up. Have we forgotten the time they announced my first period over Chrismukkah dinner?!

I started planning my Sweet 16 months ago; the day after my 15th birthday. The theme?

Denim and Diamonds. It's elegant yet casual, just like me (and all of Danity Kane). Between you and me, this theme is more elegant than the tan I plan on sporting for the big event. I'm doing it for some bling––a family heirloom, obviously made of diamonds.

I also told my parents months in advance that I wanted to have Fergie perform at my party.

Your party is only as G–L–A–M–O–R–O– U–S as the celebrity that performs, so I clearly needed to have the Queen of Glamor herself.

But apparently, bitch has a Euro tour now. Like doesn't she know who my Daddy is?

But ugh, Daddy gave me a "budget." Do I seriously have to remind him that I know that 3

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but sort of boring. I'm personally a big fan of the trendy Nike sneakers—everyone is wearing them right now. Chris Brown has an amaze collection if you need to look at someone for inspiration.

Apparel: Think Justin Timberlake circa VMAs 2001. Make sure your shades of denim don’t clash. Nothing is worse than a guy in light blue pants and a dark navy jacket. Vom. Accessories: Please don’t wear any hats inside of the venue. Be respectful. I understand that it’s harder for guys to wear diamonds, but if you can find some classy "bling" that would honestly be so appreciated.

he's making more than money on those "business trips"? He can get me a white chocolate hot tub.

Instead of getting Fergalicious, we got Will.i.am. More like Will.i.am.fucking.pissed.

He looks like the gym teacher who used to make me stay and jump rope after class. Stop asking me to go to McDonald's with you, Mr. Nelson! (Ed. Note: She doesn't want McNuggets.) Anywho, if Will.i.am's first song sucks, I’m going to duets with him. I have perfect pitch.

BTW, thank GOD my crush Zach is coming to my party. He just bought this denim vest and texted me a pic of it. He looks SO cute.

Just like our babies Zephyr and Hymen would be. Maybe we'll grind (front 2 front). My little sister is super jealous that he likes me, but I'm the hot one, duh. Hopefully, she never discovers the magic of a pushup bra and Kleenex.

Anyway, my Sidekick won’t stop going off because Zach is texting me non–stop right now.

Oh, wait it's just my mom. Fuck you, Mom.

OPEN

LETTER

parents of the kid from the who wasn't invited Dear Mr. and Mrs. Saperstein,

We are writing to you as friends, neighbors and upset parents. Jessica truly hurt our son’s feelings did not invite him to her "Diamonds & Denim" Super Sweet 16.

At such an extravagant party, we understand that it needs to be exclusive. However, Jessica rode up to school in a Hummer stretch limo and personally handed out all of your invites in front of the entire student body— and our son, Steven, did not receive one. We believe that it was unnecessarily harsh for him to be cut from this list, especially in such a public manner. He's already self–conscious enough about being the only boy in gym class without pubic hair. He's just not an early bloomer, but he is extremely wonderful, as you know.

Our children have known one another since preschool. We all remember Jessica's potty mouth, but we still invited her to Steven's Rockin' Roller Rink party.

We’ve been lucky enough to see your daughter blossom, and we’re so happy she's such a leader! Jessica and Steven’s long–lasting friendship is important to our family.

We hoped that you, the Sapersteins, would value and respect it as well.

Steven truly proved to be one of Jessica’s most loyal friends during the kayak trip two summers ago. When Jessica came down with severe food poisoning in the middle of the river, Steven was the only camper who was willing to stay back with her. Steven didn’t even tell the other campers that Jessica pooed her pants in the kayak. He understood the situation’s sensitivity, and it is clear that Steven is a devoted friend to Jessica.

It is particularly upsetting to us as a family that we have been invited as parents, but our son will not be able to attend the party with us. It was very exciting to see Jessica rolling up to our house in a luxurious pink limousine. She looked so beautiful in her denim dress and glistening diamonds. However, Steven was even more hurt when he realized that the invitation did not include him. He cried all night.

Anyway, we'll leave him at home. We hired a sitter. So see you Saturday–-so looking forward to that Will.i.am guy to perform. That humping song is fresh to death. (Is that what the kids are saying these days?)

Also, would Jessica prefer cash or a check?

Warm regards, Matt and Susan Harris

EGO

FROM MTV'S "MY SUPER OF THE WEEK: SAVANNAH SWEET 16" SEASON 5

The best (and very real) quotes from this genuine OC Jungle Queen.

Disclaimer: Savannah's sentiments framed in categories Street thinks she reigns "Jungle Queen" On being a California girl: “To be a California girl it takes blonde hair, blue eyes and a great tan—ooh, I have it all!”

On her friends: “A lot of girls are jealous of me because of my looks.”

On her party theme: “My dad is a game hunter and I love exotic animals, so my party is going to be jungle–themed— complete with live animals.”

On her favorite taxidermic accessory: “This is Fluffy, my dad shot

him a couple years ago in Russia. He’s a 10–foot tall Kodiak bear.”

“They’re perfect and they’ll make my party absolutely amazing.”

On her goals: “I need to be the hottest and best looking at my party. ”

On making tough choices: “I really want a Mustang for my birthday, but my mom is obsessed with me getting a BMW...My mom always gets her way, but this time I’m sticking to what I want.”

On mommy dearest: “My mom really likes to be the center of attention…I just hope she realizes the party is about me, it’s my time to shine.”

On her party rules: “Everyone has to wear at least one thing jungle and no loincloths.”

On why she needs decorative live jungle animals:

On compromise: “I hate to admit it, but my mom was right, the BMW is definitely the car for me—it would be tragic if I didn’t get it… I’m a BMW girl now!

with my entourage keeping me from the public.”

On her grand entrance: “I feel so hot, and I know I look hot so I feel ecstatic.”

On her party crashers: “I can’t blame everyone for wanting to get into the hottest party in Orange County, but if you’re not on the list, you’re not going to stay.”

On her boyfriend teasing her that she was going to get a Honda Civic: “Baby! That’s mean!”

On her new ride: “I finally got my BMW convertible. It’s the absolute perfect car for me.”

On everything working out: “My mom let me have all the attention and the spotlight because she knew it was my party and my night to shine.”

Peep the episode online at mtv.com.

On sneaking into the party before her grand entrance: “I totally feel like a celebrity

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PARTY PLANNING CHEAT SHEET In case you’re stuck for ideas, borrow one of ours.

(The) Tea Party Your favorite British beverage with a dash of politics.

The outfit: Wear your Sunday best—think bows, lace glovesand, most importantly, an elaborate hat. The invites: Arrange a protest and invite only those with the funniest picket signs.

The venue: An outdoor affair in front of a local government building. The grand entrance: To a mashup of the Sex Pistols’ “God Save the Queen” and the Pledge of Allegiance recited by Ralph Nadar. The cake: A giant fondant masterpiece in the shape of a tea bag.

Party favors: Teacup pigs.

Tamagotchi Share the spotlight with everyone’s favorite digital pet.

The outfit: Who needs bling when you can accessorize with pixels? Show off your Tamagotchi on a statement necklace—

bonus points if you keep it alive for the whole party. The invites: Bring a big ol’ box of Tamagotchis to school with you and hand them out to the lucky players. The venue: An arcade. The grand entrance: Barge through a giant Tamagotchi poster. The cake: Cupcakes are trendy, but mini Tamagotchi cakes are even cuter. Party favors: Furbies.

The O.C. Season 3 An ode to the second worst season.

The outfit: Marissa Cooper wore flats and a black dress to Johnny’s Bar Mitzvah—channel that for your Sweet 16. Channel that always. Mischa Barton forever, right? (Spoiler alert: maybe not. )The invites: Customized DVD box sets. The venue: This season is all about teen angst and things get gritty. Rent out an old warehouse and don’t bother decorating. Hopefully

you’ll impress a Volchuck of your own by being so down to earth and chill with the grunge vibe. The grand entrance: To the tune of Imogen Heap’s cover of “Halleljuah,” in memory of Marissa’s final scene (spoiler alert, again). The cakes: One each in the shape of Marissa, Ryan, Seth and Summer. Party favors: Joints à la Seth Cohen’s rebellious phase.

Judge Judy Justice with an attitude.

The outfit: A long black shapeless robe. The invites: Dress up in a suit and serve your friends with court summons. The venue: A courtroom. The grand entrance: Pick your favorite: Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues” or Elvis’s “Jailhouse Rock.” The cake: No food allowed in the courtroom. Party favors: Clemency.

​SPEAKING SWEET SIXTEEN | SPĒKING SWĒT SIKSTĒN |Teenager translated.

Bling (Season 6, episode 10, Yashika) | bliNG | adj. Really expensive and in–your–face jewelry or clothing. The theme of my party is ‘Diamonds are Forever,’ because I want this party to be a blinged out, classy-ass affair.

Fiend (Season 4, Episode 8, Teyana) | fēnd | v. (slang) To really, really want something. Involves politely demanding the desired object from Mommy or Daddy. Buy me the effing Range Rover I'm fiending for or I tell Teddy the truth about Santa Claus and how babies are made.

Quinces (Season 4, Episode 3, Stephanie) | kwins-ās | n. An epic fifteenth birthday bash. Abbreviation for quinceañera, which has too many syllables and just doesn’t roll off the tongue when you have braces. . I’m going to have the biggest quinces in all of Miami—hellz yeah.

Stacy’s Mom Because let’s face it, Stacy’s mom has got it goin’ on.

The outfit: Just a towel on. The invites: Ask Stacy if you can come over after school. The venue: We can hang around by the pool. The grand entrance: Ride in on a lawnmower. The cake: Life–size replica of Stacy’s Mom. Party favors: Welcome Interstate Managers CDs. Corn Sweet corn, popcorn, candy corn—who doesn’t love corn?

The outfit: Adorn yourself with a yellow gown with corn–on–the–cob embroidery. The invites: Printed on bags of microwavable popcorn. The venue: A corn

field—the crop circles can serve as the dance floor. The grand entrance: Strut in to Eminem’s hit song “Jimmy Crack Corn”: Jimmy can crack corn but I don’t care/ My enemies crack corn but I don’t care/ You can be black white or albino, yeah/ You can have cornrows inside your hair The cake: A tower of cornbread. Party favors: Unhusked corn on t h e

cob.

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Rich Bitch (Season 3, episode 1, Marissa) | riCH biCH | n. A girl who is super wealthy and super hot and super cool. She often refers to others as being "jealous." My school is known for having most of the rich bitches.

Valium (Season 5, Episode 1, Audrey’s Mom) | valēm | Flyest (Season 8, Episode 1, Demetrius) n. The necessary tranquilizing muscle–relax| flī-est | adj. The most fly. Used to describe something ant some parents take to relieve anxiety when that is the coolest. Archaic: "off the chain." their almost–sixteen–year–olds act out. Also I’m auditioning some of Atlantic City's flyest la- see: Xanax. Teenagers are the reason God invented Valium and sleepaway camp. dies to dance at my party.

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5

MUSIC

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MUSIC

DISPATCH: SWEET SIXTEEN MUSICAL ADVENTURE

10:06 AM: “Hollaback Girl”—Gwen Stefani I wake up and it’s the day of my Super Sweeeeeet 16! This party’s gonna be—oh shit! It’s bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! 11:11 AM: “I’m A Believer” — Smash Mouth Who says I have to wait for the birthday cake to make a wish?

Who says I need to make a wish at all? I can just charge it to my Black Amex.

3:10 PM: “True Friend”— Hannah Montana It’s already 3 p.m. My BFFL Emily (just like on the show!) is on her way over to help set up, but if this bitch looks better than me she'll be cropped the hell out of my MySpace prof pic.

WE WOULD PICK KWEDER FOR OUR SUPER STREET 16.

SMOKES. TONIGHT. 6:30.

4:31 PM: “Buttons”—The Pussycat Dolls Gotta head over to the venue at 5pm I can’t wait any longer to try on my seafoam dress! It better fit right or this “Georgio Armani” guy is going straight in my burn book.

5:58 PM: “Over My Head”— The Fray Anyone who’s anyone in the tenth grade is supposed to arrive, like, right now...

6:09 PM: “Pump It” — Black Eyed Peas Where is everyone?????????

6:15 PM: “Party Like a Rockstar”—Shop Boyz Oh my god, is that Jake? Okay, Amy, be cool. You can do this.

Just smile. Smile like a normal person. No, not like that.

Breathe. Oh crap, he's looking at you.

6:50 PM: “Cupid’s Chokehold”—Gym Class Heroes Jake and I are grinding.

Focus time, Amy. Just like you practiced. Oh my god, is that a boner?!

7:00 PM: “Lips of an Angel”—Hinder My first kiss! Didn't realize that's what it felt to have another humans tongue in my mouth. Tasted like Doritos.

7:05 PM: “Ain’t No Other Man”— Christina Aguilera Our first child is going to be named Ashley, like Ashley Tisdale. Or like Ashley Olsen!

We should have twins! Wait... you can't get pregnant from grinding right?!

7:30 PM: “SOS”—Rihanna And when our grandchildren come over for Christmas... wait, is Jake kissing Emily

now? At my party?!!?

7:37 PM PM: “Cha Cha Slide Part 2”—Mr. C The Slide Man (Sobbing not–so–quietly in the corner.)

7:37 PM: “Lip Gloss” — Lil Mama Jake is such a stupid jerk! I have more important things to do...like light candles.

8:00 PM: “Big Girls Don’t Cry” — Fergie My friends said the NICEST things about me! Now Mom’s bringing out the birthday cake!

GET THESE TEARS OFF MY FACE. 8:10 PM: “SHUT UP & DRIVE” —Rihanna OH MY GOD!!! THE BIRTHDAY CAKE HAD CAR KEYS INSIDE!! I don't

A play–by–play of my party playlist

even care if I chipped my front tooth!

9:30 PM: “SexyBack” —Justin Timberlake Taking rides around the block in my hot pink Corvette. See ya later, party people...

9:40 PM: “Irreplaceable”— Beyoncé This night has made me realize that I can never replace my family and friends. But I can replace my hot pink Corvette if I crash it because daddy got me insurance. Maybe I could run Jake over...

10:00 PM: “Bye Bye Bye” — NSYNC I love everyone so much!!!!!

Besides Emily. That bitch can go drop herself in a box to the left. And Jake, too. Suck it, Jake.

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FILM

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO BINGE WATCH THESE "MY SUPER SWEET 16" CLASSICS They say that “sometimes 16 ain’t so sweet"—luckily these episodes are.

“You are Cordially Invited to Bjorn’s Sweet 16” (Aired 09.19.2005)

“My name is Bjorn, I’m from Avon, Connecticut, and I’m a divo." (Ed. Note: a divo is a male version of a hustla.) In Bjorn’s world, fashion is everything, money is no object and the "j" is not silent. He wants to hold a fashion show for his Sweet 16, so he rents out the local mall and chooses “twenty of his hottest friends” to model.

Of course, “America’s Next Top Model” taught us that fashion shows ain’t easy. And neither is this haute couture b–day bash. When Bjorn chooses three friends to model corsets, someone feels left out and starts a tussle in the food court right next

to the indoor mall plants.

This seems like enough drama for one episode, but Bjorn’s arrival is delayed when his crystal– monogrammed blazer doesn’t arrive until after his party begins. Once he appears, he’s more than a little nervous to make his fashion show debut down the runway, puking three times in the mall bathroom. But the House of Bjorn stays intact and the birthday boy returns to his fashion show in time to jump into his new BMW 5–Series sedan—without driving away, because he has no idea how to drive at all.

“You are Cordially Invited to Aaron’s Sweet 16” (Aired 04.12.2006)

Kardashians, step aside. Kim wasn’t the first to coax Kanye West onto reality television. Back in '06, when Kanye was with someone else and Yeezus meant nothing, the rapper made an appearance at Jay– Z’s 40/40 club in New York for a Sweet 16 party themed“Young and Hot.” Its host, Aaron Reid, the son of music mogul and former X–factor judge L.A. Reid. Aaron is one of the few “Sweet Sixteen” stars who may have actually been as important as he thinks he is. In his words, “I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I could be the heir to a music dynasty.” Arrogance is a virtue, Aaron.

Aaron threw his “Young and Hot” party because he was just that, and he needs to prove himself after moving to New York from Atlanta. P. Diddy happens to be Aaron’s godfather, so he makes a party appearance, along with Jermaine DuPri, who DJs. Aaron walks in escorted by models who he hand–picked with his friends. The party goes off without a hitch—because if it didn’t, his father would know.

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“You are Cordially Invited to Lauren and Jacqueline’s Coming Out” (Aired 01.18.2005)

The first–ever episode of this MTV classic didn’t feature a Sweet 16 at all. Instead, its stars, Lauren and Jacqueline of La Jolla, celebrate their “coming out" in society. And if we're talking semantics, that means they're available for marriage and potential impregnation. Take note, suitors. The two girls only wear designer clothes with logos, obvi (all Coach everything). These girls are such BFFs that they end up picking the same dress for their big day at the Hard Rock Café. There’s no theme, but the entry fee goes to breast cancer. (Awareness? Research? Care? Survivors? Early detection?

Who knows? Who cares?) Beyoncé wants half a million dollars (ridiculous!) and the Rolling Stones are unavailable, so the girls get Unwritten Law as special guests. No, you aren’t too young for this band. No one had heard of them in 2005 either.

What we really learn in this episode is that you should never, ever have a party with someone nicer than you. Lauren learns this the hard way. She tries to be strict, while Jacqui allows everyone who calls her flip phone to come with multiple plus–ones. In the end, Jacqui’s friendliness gets her lost in the mosh pit and a punch in the face. But at least she won’t eternally be referred to as “the mean one.”

“You are Cordially Invited to Mary’s Sweet 16” (Aired 06.25.2007)

Welcome to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, a place “basically as country as you can get.” It's also home to birthday girl Mary. It’s so country, in fact, that she has to go to New Orleans to shop for her dress. She also needs to shop for her “surprise” (gasp) birthday present in Tennessee.

Since Mississippi residents can drive at the age of fifteen, Mary already has a Cadillac, which she wrecked within the first two weeks—but don’t worry, mom and dad are getting it fixed.

For the big one–six, Mary's parents thought it wold be smart to get her a live animal.

She totally needs Tiny Dancer,

a $125,000 horse, who comes into her party with a whole pink outfit.

The theme of the party is Las Vegas, so obviously Mary needs to be Barbie and constantly refer to everything with Barbie terminology. The jury is still out on whether Mary has ever been to Sin City (or west of the Mississippi River) and how Barbie is related. She and her three VIPs have auditions to find their very own Kens, even though the guys who show up at the party look nothing like the ones they chose with special cheek kisses. The gang enters on a pink convertible with pyro going off on all sides.

In this episode, we learn that Ryan Cabrera is still as awesome as he was when we were all in middle school. He sings “On the Way Down” for Mary’s party.

(It’s his only song anyone knows the words too.) The birthday girl gets to be his backup singer, but he turns off her mic. His hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in weeks, but man, we’re swooning anyway.

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vary. Returned checks, along with the state’s maximum allowable returned check fee, may be electronically presented to your bank. ©2013 Dominos IP Holder LLC. Domino’s®, Domino’s Pizza® and the modular logo are trademarks of Domino’s IP Holder LLC. ©2013 The Coca-Cola Company, all rights reserved. “Coca-Cola” is a registered trademark of The Coca-Cola Company. “Coca-Cola” “Coke”, the contour bottle design and the dynamic ribbon design are trademarks of the Coca-Cola company. All rights reserved. ©2013 The Coca Cola company, all rights reserved. “Coca-Cola” is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola company.

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9

F E AT U R E

SO YOU WANT TO THROW A

S U P E R

S W E E

Planning the perfect coming–of–age celebration can be harder than it s

THE THEME

THE INVITATIONS

You’re sixteen, and that means you’re sophisticated. You need a theme that speaks to your budding maturity (and breasts). Something that says "I'm 16 and I'm DTHJ...if your parents are in the same income bracket as mine." Show them what's for available with these sexy theme ideas:

It may be 2014, but Paperless Posts are not going to cut it for your Sweet 16. An acceptable party invitation should be handed out in person, not sent through the mail service like a Christmas card from Aunt Janice containing one single $5 bill. Who are you, Average–Fucking–Joe? Here are some ways to deliver your invitations:

Macy’s Moulin Rouge (BYO corset) Ally’s Arabian Harem Sarah’s Strip Club Vanessa’s Vegas Spectacular feat. Cirque de Soleil

Via t-shirt toss at the Brooklyn Nets home game On horseback, followed by a fleet of Kentucky Derby winners (past and present) Stamped on the back of free iPads or inscribed on Google Glass frames The State Of The Union Address

THE GUEST LIST

THE VENUE

When picking the #blessed individuals that will be surrounding you on your special day, it’s important to avoid the Three G’s: Goths, Geeks and Giants. Anyone that falls into any of those three categories gets an immediate ax from the guest list: make it swift and humane, like a kosher butcher. After that, grab a Sharpie and consult your yearbook. Students who fit the following criteria are eligible for an invite:

No place is too big, too grand or too tasteful for your party. So what if a bunch of sixteen–year–olds are going to trash it with sweat, misaimed bodily fluids from inexperienced pregaming and uncontrolled sexual impulses? You are just as precious as your parents tell you that you are. And you deserved to be celebrated accordingly. The following establishments are viable options for your Super Sweet 16:

Athlete Mild to moderate popularity Doesn't take the school bus Owns to Fendi purses and a silver Lexus

The Palace of Versailles That mansion from the “Blank Space” music video The 2015 Academy Awards Lena Dunham’s warehouse in Bushwick

1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E D E C E M B E R 4 , 2 01 4

F E AT U R E

E T

S

I X T E E N

seems. Lucky for you, we've broken it down to the basics.

THE MUSICAL GUEST

Of course, everyone knows “Super Sweet 16” is synonymous with “Concert Headlined By Teen Sensation With One Recognized/Tolerable Song.” Picking the perfect entertainer is tricky: they have to maintain a certain balance of obscurity and mall– tour fame. If you can’t get one of your daddy’s clients, pick one of these up–and–didn't–comers:

Lucas Prata Anna Nalick Teddy Geiger Malia Obama (we're anxiously awaiting her first single)

THE GIVEAWAYS All great hostesses—Jackie O, Queen Elizabeth, Anna Nicole Smith—know the value of a good giveaway. Guests need to be sent home with a lasting reminder that nothing, not even their weddings, will be as extravagant as the celebration of your sixteenth year of life. Giveaway ideas include, but are not limited to:

A lap dance from Big Sean/Sean Paul/Sean Kingston/Shawn White An autographed headshot of yours truly Golden Retriever puppies Texting gloves

THE DRESSES

Yes, dresses. Plural. If you think you can get through a Sweet 16 with just one dress, then you can go hang with the girls who will be throwing their sweet sixteens in the basement of their local churches, catered by Costco. A true Super Sweet 16 requires at least three dress changes: cocktail hour, party and after–party/gift reveal. All three dresses must be by at least one of the following designers:

Jessica McClintock Vera Wang Alexander McQueen (Kate Middleton line) LC Lauren Conrad for Kohl’s

THE CAR

It's basically an American tradition at this point. The autombile reveal signals the end of the party and the beginning of true independence (but not financially speaking, of course). Let your guests salivate with jealousy as you sail by in your new ride, accompanied by a license driver over the age of 21 in the passenger seat. Get ready to check your blind spots (and reflection) in one of the following:

Bugatti Veyron Mercedes Maybach S66 Rolls Royce Phantom A presidential motorcade

D E C E M B E R 4 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

FILM

Do you have what it takes to be on “My Super Sweet 16?” We need stars… and "friends" for those stars.

Casting call: future superstars

Did you give thanks for your parents’ checkbook this Thanksgiving? Do you ever look in the mirror and think, “I look like a million bucks, literally!” If that sounds familiar and you look 15 years old (age negotiable), then head to Cherry Hill Mall this Sunday for the next new hit reality show: “My Super Sweet 16.” We’re looking for you, Tiffany, who cried when she got just one pony for her 13th birthday.

Or Arielle, who stormed out of her aquatic–themed Bat Mitzvah when she realized Beyoncé would not be making an appearance. Come with your best brace–face smile and no shame.

Step #1 “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Step #2 www.robustbeauty.com We celebrate the Beauty of the Robust Majority.

Our feel-good gifts celebrate your full-figured Beauty.

“Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.”

• Check Out: Our Website http://www.robustbeauty.com • Check Out: Our Robust Beauty Theme T-Shirts

Casting call: nameless female friends of the birthday girl/boy

Have you ever dreamed of having a blowout Sweet 16 but couldn't because your mom drives a Honda? Now’s your chance. Almost. If you’re in the tri–state area and between 14 and 18 years old, pack your Juicy velour tracksuits and Hollister short shorts for VH2’s “My Super Sweet 16” casting call. Each of our stars from season four will be present to hand–pick their friends, who will help with critical tasks like choosing their guest lists, outfits and musical performers. Are you up to the challenge? Participants must be willing to make themselves look uglier than above mentioned birthday girl/boy and own that mediocre look on national television and be willing to shut up when you realize why this person doesn't have friends of their own.

Casting call: nameless male friends of the birthday girl/boy

Do you look super cool without a shirt on? Do you aspire to work at your local mall’s Abercrombie & Fitch store? Do you wear jeans that are just big enough to show the Calvin Klein elastic on your boxer briefs? Does your Axe body spray bring in all the junior high honeys? If so, we want you to be the male friend or potential love interest of our next birthday girl. Past acting experience not necessary, but modeling experience and chiseled abs preferred. Get ready for a lot of hair and teeth–whitening gel.

This will be the experience of a lifetime! Those afraid of glitter or spoiled young women need not apply. No chest hair, please.

Robust Majority is Looking Better and Better Rubens Rembrandt Renoir Robust Heart of Robust Beauty Big & Beautiful: No Apologies Offered

Thick Is “In” Robust Athlete Robust Goddess Robust Princess

• Check Out: Our Robust Beauty Theme Posters If Robust Beauties were on women’s magazine covers every month, what would those covers look like?

“Heart of Robust Beauty” Series “Robust Chic” Series “Robust Ballerina” “Robust Goddess”

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Casting call: party planners

Do you put up with a lot of shit on a daily basis? Do you want to get paid for that shit? If you’re used to working with teenagers and you know what's Gucci from Versace to Valentino, put on a happy face and grab your resume. Applicants must be able to: sprint the 50–yard dash in under 10 seconds, close down the roadways of New York City for a once–in–a–lifetime entrance and attend a month of kickboxing classes in preparation for dancefloor brawls.

Casting call: party pups and dog trainers/owners.

Is your pup perfect for the small screen? Is that pup a Yorkie, Toy Poodle, Shih Tzu, Maltese, Havanese, Bichon or look like something that Paris Hilton might put in a purse? Said dog must not bark, poop, pee or actually do anything but breathe. Dogs may be returned to their owners with pink fur and bedazzled with rhinestones. (for free!) Literal hoop–jumping not a required skill for dogs, but the metaphorical kind will be asked of the relevant owner. No cats.

FOOD & DRINK

Street's favorite couples: 6. Marisa & Ryan 5. LC & Stephen (#ByeKristen) 4. Summer & Seth 3. Rory & Jess (not up for discussion) 2. Blair & Chuck 1. Me & u. Smokes.

Tonight. 6:30p.m. Tequila on us. We can play spin the bottle.

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Do not add sugar or cordial; drink is best served bitter.

LIE

DOWN

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NOT TO CRY

C RY

A LOT

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FOOD & DRINK

PLANNING YOUR SUPER SWEET 16 DINNER—ON A BUDGET So your daddy, in his infinite wisdom, decided to slash your Sweet Sixteen food budget in half, for stupid reasons like “a hundred grand is enough to feed anyone, plus the entire nation Papua of New Guinea” and “I already own all the Pizza Huts in the tri-state area. Do you kids not like pizza anymore?

Jesus Christ.” Don’t worry, with these tips your party–goers will eat like kings, at the budget of a slightly less wealthy king.

Change your goodie bag idea ($8,000) Instead of giving out Cartier bracelets to all 500 of your closest friends, opt for gold sheathed Godiva chocolate truffles instead. Every guest will get their own box of 50 truffles, with an assortment of flavors and combinations. Wearing gold is basic; shitting gold is the chic.

Make your “50 Shades of Fondue” rainbow out of only 25 varieties of chocolate ($11,500) Instead of buying 50 varieties of chocolate fondue (i.e. 50% cacao, 49% cacao, etc) for each of your 50 fondue machines, buy 2 5 (ie. 50% cacao, 48% cacao, etc), and dilute down each with heavy cream to make the missing percentage.

The color will be right, and no one will taste the difference.

Pretend that you made a species of sturgeon go extinct ($26,400) Everyone knows that the highlight of Ashley’s party last year was when her caviar platters put the Caspian sturgeon on the critically endangered list.

Even though you can only afford platters of the cheaper Atlantic sturgeon caviar, tell everyone it’s actually the very last of the Caspian caviar. Ever.

For authenticity, budget out a couple hundred bucks and hire a few biology TAs from your local college to picket your party.

Nix the live cow butchering ($46,000) Even though you were looking forward to grossing out that stupid vegan bitch Emma, a cow might be overkill. The costs for the animal, materials, butcher and bribes to local zoning officials isn’t worth it. Instead, infuse your entire menu with foie gras. Salad? Foie gras dressing. Mushroom risotto?

Foie gras reduction. Gummy bear cupcakes? You bet your ass it’s frosted with foie gras butter cream. Also, the gummy bears are 100% foie gras.

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chocolate or vanilla butter cream or original corner slice or center piece Street still thinks your sweet.

ARTS

Street: How did you get interested in art?

Mother of the Birthday Girl: I've mastered the art of mothering over he course of 16 years. I started December 4th, 1991, to be exact. That’s when the little angel emerged from my loins. That’s when I knew my career path had to completely shift. I was no longer just the mother of a two–year–old son—I was called upon to do something much, much bigger.

The Craft of the Party-Planning Mother

Stock up for eight nights of

BEER

Street: By that you mean planning for this Sweet 16 party?

MOTBG: Nothing has been more important in my life—besides, of course, raising my daughter. Let me tell you, the way kids are raised these days you’d think they’d be watching porn all day, everything’s so sexualized.

Have you seen what they call programming on VH1 these days? “FOR THE LOVE OF RAY–J?" No, not for my pubescent little star.

We went the classier route to publically record our daughter’s teenage years: MTV. Street: Has the art of party planning affected your home life?

MOTBG: Only in good ways. To create an awesome Sweet 16 installation, you need to know your daughter. I know her favorite color. I know she wants a Mercedes Benz S–Class this year. I’ve gotten so good at guessing what she wants. I can tell where she’s going to shop on a given day simply by looking at the brand of cereal she eats from her silver spoon. Kix means Prada. Lucky Charms equals Versace.

And could Cinnamon Toast Crunch mean anything other than a four–digit receipt from Givenchy?

Oh sure there are downsides to party planning for 16 years! You won’t believe the number of times my son has accused me of “not feeding” him or spouting off some nonsense like, “Where’s my breakfast?” and “She’s not even 16 yet, why does she get a car every year?” or "Do you enjoy this you sadist?" Just annoying little bumps on the road to my daughter’s perfect party.

Street: Could you talk about what else you’ve

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had to plan for?

MOTBG: I want this Sweet 16 installation to welcome our daughter to adulthood. So we’re going all out. Balloons, cars, photobooths, The Maine, boob jobs, 1,000 stand–in friends for the dancefloor, virgin Shirley Temples, flasks for the kids to spike their drinks—we got everything that our daughter could expect in her blossom to womanhood. It’s all here.

As my son always says, “It’s a cold, fucked up world out there,” and I want to make sure my daughter knows what the best parts of adult life are first!

Street: Anything else you’d like to add?

MOTBG: I just want to say that I want my daughter to remember this day forever. You’re only 16 once and the next day you’re three times that age, like my dad. I just want to make sure my daughter can look back on this memory and remember what it felt like to be sweet, to be 16, and to smile. I want her to be happy.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get going. I have about an hour before my son's bail runs out.

STREET NEVER HAS AN AWAY MESSAGE. WE'RE ALWAYS HERE, AT 34ST.COM.

ARTS

DIY: TIARA

You’ll need something to distinguish your Juicy velour jumpsuit from the other 364 days of the year. This crown will make everyone Jelly Clarkson.

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Have an entourage of squealing besties cut out the crown.

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Glue, glitter, gold leaf and diamonds.

Swarovski that shit UP.

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What. The. H–E–double–hockey–sticks.

That skanky piece of shiitake mushrooms is wearing MY CROWN. DAAAADDY!

Optional: Actually buy a crown.

So much more efficient.

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LOWBROW

MEMORANDUM: MySuperSweetIdeas To: Jennifer Lynn Farley, President of MTV From: Satan, Prince of Darkness and Vice President of Cross–Promotional Development Re: My Super Sweet Idea

Hey Jen! Last night, me and the guys at the executive synergization dynamics meeting were talking a lot about the extremely popular and definitely timeless show “My Super Sweet 16.”

We think that we can leverage the brand power of that show through other Viacom–affiliated platforms—on TV, and ON THE NET—to dynamicize the network earnings and ad revenue and businessword–businessword–copyandpastelater.

MSS16 (that’s the "abbrev" the kids are using these days) caters to a very specific audience of terrible young white people—which is great! That’s MTV target market. But these days, diversity and shit like that is important for tricking people into thinking we care about the issues, whatever those may be. For a while, we were stumped about how to do this. My Super Asian Sweet 16 didn’t sound good. America isn’t yet ready for My Super Sweet Lesbian Wedding. And test audiences found My Super Sweet Black Mitzvah to be both confusing and extremely offensive.

Finally, we hit on it. We assembled a crack team of writers (literally! Thanks for all the crack!) from some of television’s most popular shows, including “Date My Mom,” “Survivor: Papua New Guinea,” “Say Yes to the Dress,” “Total Request Live” and “The Wire.”

We told them to pitch us their best thought–explosions and brain–lines for how to make MSS16 into a multimedia empire.

Please examine the attached addendum, which lists some of the many excellent, morebusinesswordshere ideas that we put together.

Sincerely, Stan (hopefully this doesn’t autocorrect to Satan, haha, for some reason that keeps happening)

MY SUPER SWEET 16 PITCHES My Super Sweet 60 Channel: Oxygen Pitch: Sixty is the new sixteen! These ladies might be over the hill, but they’re not over the drama. With their hubbies' Social Security check, the sky’s the limit, and these grannies want it all.

The party ain’t stopping 'til 5 p.m.—hip replacement, don’t fail me now!

My Super Sweet Sexteen Channel: Cinemax Pitch: Young, bold and wild, these “teens” show what a birthday bash is all about: giving handjobs in hotel bathrooms. This isn’t PG–13 anymore—but it’s also not NC–17. (Note: Legal tells us all participants will have to be over 18, with state–issued ID.)

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newslynneorange

highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow

Ken Burns Presents: Sixteen

Channel: PBS Pitch: Over the course of five hours, Ken Burns provides a haunting narrative of the trials and tribulations of American girls coming of age in the aftermath of the War of 1812. The year is 1816, and for girls from Alabama to Minnesota, life would never be the same.

CharmaineZoe

My Super Sweet 16 and Counting

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

Channel: TLC Pitch: Remember the [insert lovable, dysfunctional family here], with like 100 kids? What if those kids were all turning 16? That would be pretty crazy! Everyone would want it to be their special moment. But it couldn’t be everyone’s special moment, could it?

Just think of the drama.

Señor Codo

Mis Quinces es Esupersweet

Channel: Univison Pitch: An even younger demographic than MSS16, Mis Quinces es Esupersweet combines all the drama and intrigue of MSS16 with a dash of Latin spice. Think tacos, pinatas, sombreros and whatever else Mexican people like. We have yet to hone in on what a quince is exactly, but we heard it’s a party so there has to be something there.

8

34

ST

LOWBROW FILM

My Super Straight 16

DO YOU PAY PER VIEW?

Channel: Bravoare getting your Sunday afternoon Film polled you to find out how you Pitch: It’s not weird at all for a boy to have a Sweet 16. I know

BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN movie fixes. Here’s whatlots weoflearned. guys who have had one. This is just the tale of a young

T

hough we all know the man watch Hugo in theaters.

And awemilestone you guess that seven Penn best stuwho wants to celebrate in histhen life with Internet is for porn friends, fit this mold prefer to getcan their who of all overworked just happenIvy to bedents girls, would Dad. The theme be (thanks Avenue Q), the like, League students well, with only RomCom fix online free sports, which I totally like. People can dress up like with pitchers, bedroom is no longer the only or about 17% or of Penn streaming websites SideReel catchers otherundergrads stuff. And Lisa is totally lying,like I definitely area being ceded to digital terri- didn’t watching movies at the Raveto ev-be Broadway and Ch131 rather than pay for say I want the theme Divas of the '80s.

Loren Javier tory. For every girl with daddy’s ery semester. services provided by Netflix and AmEx, window browsing on But how about the other ste- Redbox?

Fifth Avenue has been replaced My reotype, the one that says all 16 colWhile 75% of us watch movBittersweet with online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a Channel: Lifetime ally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hysPitch: She was a girl on the cusp of 16. He was a rugged woodsman dying of cancer. Their love intended) with the existence of terical, but is would shock the world after she finds out her mother is pregnant with his child. Join us for this Whose recommendations do you take? the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the gripping television event (based on the life of Hillary Clinton) as this brave young women grapples 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% Other with one choice: who should she take to the after–party? at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% 40 A Friend nearly half the traffic for the it would Cinema Studies midnight screenings of blockhave cost if 30 Major My Super Sweet 26.2% 25% 25% buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA 20 Sixteen and Street Pregnant does the day after the newest in theaters? episode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t Channel: MTV2 than one option.

0 are too busy procrastinating bad, toI Pitch: Imagine you and your unborn child that are going on Penn InTouch and designguess. have the exact same birthday. You can’t let that little bitch ing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible The average Penn student steal your spotlight.and the clubs we’re involved in to inexpensive to anyone with an (who is anything but average, if leave the comfort of our beds to dtoli051 AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watch-

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