March 26th, 2015

March 26 – April 1, 2015 34st.com

KINOKI SENIOR SOCIETY + I LOVE YOU BUT... + MAGIC MAN INTERVIEW

march 26 LOL

PUPPYFROMTHEEDITOR

2015 3 HIGHBROW

When you no longer have a home, a pet gives you a place to belong. That’s what Patriot, my stupid, fluffy, wide-eyed, snoring best friend did.

Last May, the home I’d lived in for 20 years burned down. Ironically, due to pets—an electrical fire in my sister’s fish tank.

Thank god my dad and my dog, the only people (yes, Patriot is a person) at 533 Hammond, escaped the burning home. But I lost every thing that validated my home—the bin of mutilated Barbies in the basement, the family photos in the mudroom, the tennis trophies on my bookshelf, the Penn acceptance letter taped over my desk. I can't recognize the objects, the smell, the mess, the address I called, and still, call home. Home is charcoal residue.

My dad and Patriot moved into 53 Eliot Memorial Road, a rental house filled with rental furniture and new floors. My dad picked the rental house because it gave Patriot a fenced yard to chase bees (and get stung by bees) and bark at flowers.

And even with nothing I knew at 53 Eliot Memorial, with nothing that belonged to me, I felt at home there because Patriot still begged for cheese and still snored like an asshole.

It was Patriot who showed me that I still have a home. That we can make new memories and remember what was by telling stories. It was Patriot who showed me that puppy eyes are irresistable everywhere. It was Patriot who taught my family to love again.

He died of heart failure. Like so many Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, he struggled with heart problems throughout his twelve years of life. Call it whatever medical term you want to call it, but Patriot's heart failed him because he loved and loved and loved. And when he loved his family back to home, he had served his purpose on earth.

Now, he’s in doggie heaven, lounging on a cloud of Kraft Singles.

For all you Penn pet owners, I am so jealous of you. I would give anything for a pet at Penn. And I know that I can’t give a pet the love a pet deserves. So I admire you. And I hope that you will allow me to pet your hairless cat.

i love you but..., round up, overheards

4 WORD ON THE STREET working at pod

5 EGO

o o ( *.* ) (") (")LOL ( O ) (") (") LOL

LOL

eotw matt hanessian

7 MUSIC

pussy riot, magic man

10 FEATURE

pets on pets on pets

12 FILM

kinoki...not gnocchi

14 FOOD & DRINK getting potlucky

LOL

Woof, bark, meow,

16 ARTS wilcaf art

(Photo: Alexandra Sternlicht)

LOL

18 LOWBROW

lowbrow science

20 BACKPAGE kinky penn

o o ( *.* ) (") (") ( O ) (") (")

THIS IS SYLVESTER. HE IS OUR PARTY BEAR. HE LIKES ARTISANAL HONEY AND KINKY SEX THINGS. HE IS COMING TO OUR WRITERS MEETING. 4015 'NUT. 6:30PM. TN. WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR REAL PETS.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief Marley Coyne, Managing Editor Ariela Osuna, Digital Director Ling Zhou, Design Editor Byrne Fahey, Design Editor Corey Fader, Photo Editor Galit Krifcher, Assistant Design Holly Li, Assistant Design Amy Chen, Assistant Photo Conor Cook, Highbrow Elie Sokoloff, Highbrow Katie Hartman, Word on the Street Randi Kramer, Ego Casey Quackenbush, Ego Natasha Doherty, Food and Drink 2

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Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Orly Greenberg, Film and TV Clare Lombardo, Features Amanda Suarez, Features Caroline Marques, Music Amanda Silberling, Music Justin Sheen, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Rosa Escandon, Lowbrow Mikaela Gilbert–Lurie, Lowbrow Kimberly Lu, Backpage Mark Paraskevas, Copy Editor Sarah Fox, Copy Editor Pat Goodridge, Copy Editor

Mark Paraskevas, Marketing Director Giulia Imholte, Social Media Editor Rachel Rubin, Digital Designer Kyle Bryce-Borthwick, Video Editor Alex Cohn, Web Producer Mara Veitch, Web Producer COVER PHOTO: Amanda Suarez BACKPAGE DESIGN: Holly Li Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader and Amy Chen.

Contributors:

Katie Dumke, Syra Ortiz Barnes, Frances Patano, Talia Sternman, Spencer Winston

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "I'd never just go 'Oh, I'm bored—let me just hook up with Ryan.'" ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

HIGHBROW

I LOVE YOU,

BUT

over heard PENN at

...YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA PRESENCE SUCKS

Apes freshman to Apes freshman: I don’t know if you remember this, but I straight licked your face.

PhiDelt bro: You look Sephardic as fuck.

These are the reasons why you need to do significantly less: ...we get it: you have a boyfriend. Like a dog who has peed on a tree, your 200+ photos have marked your territory. No one will go near him. ...stop posting PicStitch collages and essays for your people’s birthdays. We get it—they’re literally your NSOul mates. ...you’re grammar is shit.* *your ...how did you take 500+ photos in two days and edit them all? What happened to studying for your Econ midterm?

....your captions are not witty. “Penn” does not rhyme with “Penis.” ....nobody is following your lame Tumblr with inspirational quotes and filtered pictures of the Quad in the fall. ...why do you keep checking in on Four Square? I’m right next to you.

We’re at Allegro, not Pizzeria Vetri. ...anyone under the age of 30 is qualified to be a social media intern. ...no one wants to watch your 120+ second Snapstory from Afrojack. Every song still sounds the same, especially when it’s not in person.

THEROUNDUP We hope a cute leprechaun sham– rocked your world this past weekend. Highbrow met a sexy ginger named Pat McCrotch who was after our lucky charms all day. We know you were green with envy, but that’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a little puff from your pot of gold. If you really have the luck of the Irish, you won’t end up in the Round Up. As Ke$ha once said: this place about to BLOW. A group of freshmen boys went to dinner at a certain gastropub near campus before they rolled out for a late night down-

town. Highbrow hears that one eager beaver whipped out a vial of coke at the table and showed his friends. As they say, share a Coke with a friend!

The boys finished their meals and left the restaurant, but there was one teensy issue: about ten minutes after their departure, our cocky coke friend realized that he didn’t have his vial–o’–drugs. From what we hear, the coke is still at the restaurant—Highbrow’s forecast predicts snow this spring for the kitchen staff.

Watch out for IVs, you little Ivy League leprechauns. After downing a

...why do you geotag fraternities? You are surrounded by 50 short Jewish boys—I think I know where you are. ...everyone saw your Instagram before you deleted it. We just didn’t like it because you already posted three today. ...stop poking me on Facebook. I’m a pacifist—I don’t believe in poke wars. ...why do you still have a Formspring? ...your dog isn’t cute enough to have its own Instagram.

fifth of vodka on Saturday morning, one freshman boy got MERT–ed at a backlot day party. When the boy woke up in the hospital, he had no memory of how he had gotten there and wanted to leave ASAP. While the nurse was gone, he pulled out all the IVs and wires from his body, stuffed them in his socks and made a run for it. Later that night, the police found him back on campus, but let him off the hook. O’Shit!

We have an Uber embarrassing story for you. One international sceneior got a little wild at a bar on Friday night. Under the influence of some special substances, she went outside to wait for the transportation she had requested. In her confusion, she mistook a random West Philly

Strocialite: I think I look a lot like the moon emoji.

Engineers in Starbucks at am: Don’t sleep.

You’ll die. But you’ll also die if you stay awake.

Skinny Omega: I want to eat because I don’t want to black out, but I like, don’t want to eat either.

Blonde girl going through her friend’s Facebook: What the fuck are you doing with your life? You were so cute in high school.

civilian for her Uber driver. When the girl entered the back of the car and told the “driver” her destination, the woman flipped out and started to scream. The woman didn’t even have to lure her with candy! Looks like her chaffeur showed her.

Also, what the fuck is happening with AXO? Highbrow certainly hopes it's a HOAX...

The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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WOTS

word on the STREET

CONFESSIONS OF A POD EMPLOYEE

O

nce upon a time, I was a Pod– goer like you.

As a suburban–bred freshman, I was eager to prove to my parents I was a sophisticated city dweller. I made reservations at the nearby, hip sushi restaurant to show them how upscale University City could be. I scoffed at the prices, but ordered whatever my heart desired because my parents were paying, and I’d be damned if I didn’t get my fill of non–Commons food.

Then, I started working there.

I began hostessing at Pod following a futile work–study search, though the choice was also born of genuine interest: Making some money at the betchiest restaurant on campus? Does this make me socially relevant? Sure! Why not?

While I was grateful for the opportunity to help my parents out, working at Pod was an unmitigated disaster, and I eventually quit. While this was in part the fault of long hours and poor remuneration, the greatest offenders were my very own classmates.

Working at Pod made me despise Penn students in a way only Princeton rivals.

(Just kidding, none of them actually care.)

I was once working the closing shift on the Friday of parents’ weekend. Scores of tables had been reserved for a later event, meaning the dining area looked deceptively empty for 8pm. A horde of Penn students, reeking of cigarettes and alcohol, tumbled in. They asked for a walk–in table, otherwise known as The Impossible. In my cooing hostess voice, I replied that their table wouldn’t be ready for another 45 minutes.

I turned away to answer a phone and felt one of the group members grab my elbow. He pulled me aside and whispered, “Look, I see empty tables right now.

I don’t understand why I’m not being seated.” He slipped four single–dollar bills into my hand.

My fellow Pod employees were largely Drexel and Temple students who didn’t love us Quakers either. Their understanding of Penn was restricted to the 4

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College sophomore and former Pod hostess tells the story of what it’s really like to serve classmates (and occassionally, their parents).

FRANCES PATANO sample of students frequenting Pod, the students who could afford $30 takeout and still leave paltry tips. I grew ashamed when peers walked into the restaurant.

Once, a group of Whartonites and their mentor refused to acknowledge me as I led them to their table. On other occassions, my sorority sisters would teeter in, wearing high heels and cut–out dresses, gawking,“You work here? That’s so cute!”

I laughed it off to my fellow employees: 'Oh, those silly classmates of mine with their wealth and frivolity!' Inwardly, I cursed their poor reflection on an institution I’d worked so hard to attend.

It’s fine to go out and enjoy a nice meal with friends, but it’s not fine to forget the people serving you might be in your classes. And even if they're not—even if they’ve never gone to school—their job doesn’t imply inferiority.

Despite my complaints, I miss working at Pod. Not because my heart is set on taking group photos in light–up pods, but because I want to make a good name for Penn students. Because I want to prove to my fellow employees that we are grounded people and some of us need to work for our education.

Yes, we should all be able to enjoy gourmet sushi in mood lighting. But we also need to acknowledge our responsibility as students of higher education to be respectful, conscientious citizens. If working at Pod taught me anything, it’s that my status as an Ivy League student doesn’t earn me, or anyone else, a pass on being respectful. Character is never born from status.

I’m no longer a Pod–goer, as being waited on by former coworkers is spectacularly awkward. But for those of you who are Pod-goers, remember to act in a way you want to reflect your school, your classmates and yourself.

And for god’s sake, if you’re going bribe, make it more than $4.

Photo : Katie Dumke

What Do You Think of Penn Kids?

Street visited some of our favorite University City eateries and asked the servers to tell us what it’s really like to wait on Penn students.

“My worst experience is pretty bad. One time, this one kid took all the[beer] taps and pulled them over and was just sitting there and laughing, and all the beer was spilling. It was so busy, and I turned around and screamed at him, of course. That was pretty bad. It’s hard for us to keep a mirror in the men’s bathroom because every time we get one, they punch a hole in it. And the ceiling tiles—I don’t know how many times we’ve had to replace them.”—Renee, Smokes' “Those Penn students are the tits.”—Jesse, United By Blue “They were all really wasted last Saturday. One of them threw up in here. That was the worst, or maybe the funniest moment. The owner of the restaurant had to carry her out. She threw up on the carpet.”—Schuyler, Greek Lady “Penn kids are great. They really behave well. Unlike any other college students who we get. Sometimes we get Saint Joe’s students in here. Depends on what kind of events are at the Palestra. We get Drexel students in here.

It’s a completely different animal when you get the Penn students in here. They’re no trouble at all.”—Bryan and Nicole, Copa “One time during Spring Fling, this girl wanted to use the bathroom in the back. This bathroom was packed, so I told her she could use the bathroom in the back. She just went to the office and she took a piss in the office. So I had to kick her out. She came back the next year—we were cool.”—Lou, Allegro “There’s a lot of nice kids too that come, regulars. We know their name and everything—invite us to parties and stuff.”—Dan, Allegro

EGO

EGO OF THE WEEK: MATT HANESSIAN

This tall, Jewish, singing basketball star is a host of contradictions. He can ball out on the court or court you with his balls. And even Obama thinks he can score.

Street: So what position [on the basketball team] do you play?

MH: On JV, I played center. I’m not 6’9” or above, so I couldn’t really do that on Varsity. But I play small forward/power forward [on varsity].

Street: How tall are you?

MH: I’m 6’5”. 6’6” on the program. And when I grow my hair out, I get a little taller, too.

Street: If you could only keep one, which would it be: basketball or singing?

MH: Basketball. I wouldn’t be able to get myself to exercise everyday if I didn’t have basketball. Singing is more of an internal thing for me, and as much as I would like to have it, it’d be okay if I didn’t.

Street: Do you have any tips for making a March Madness bracket?

MH: I think people pick too many upsets. It doesn’t happen that often—there’s a reason they’re upsets.

Street: We found a photo of you with the superman logo shaved on your chest, what was that about?

MH: For Halloween, I didn’t know what I was going to be and this kid said, ‘Oh you should definitely shave an “S” into your chest.’ It was a big enough hit for Halloween that I decided to do it again for spring break, and that was a blast. Surprisingly, only guys liked it, girls paid no attention.

Street: So you have a lot of

chest hair?

MH: Yeah, I do. I shaved recently. It’s Armenian heritage.

Street: How long did it take to grow back?

MH: About a month.

Street: Tell us your thoughts on manscaping.

MH: Necessary for me. I embrace it.

Street: If you had a superpower which would it be?

MH: Teleportation, definitely. I’m really lazy and walking to places upsets me. (Ed. note: Us too.)

Street: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

MH: Barack Obama complimented me one time.

One of my best friends from high school’s dad is Obama’s best friend. My senior year of high school [my friend] was like, ‘Hey, I’m going to Hawaii, do you want to come with us?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, of course.’ I knew they normally vacation with the Obamas. One time [Obama] sat down and talked to me, and he asked me where I was going to school, that kind of stuff.

He told me I was a "puttogether young man," which was nice to hear.

Street: If Penn Six had a mascot what would it be?

MH: A sloth. For laziness.

Street: Who would your dream duet be with?

MH: Mariah Carey. But like, '90s Mariah Carey.

Street: Do you sing in the

shower?

MH: I do. I definitely do.

My housemates get very upset with me. Also, my friend in Off the Beat lives in the house. Between the two of us, there’s just too much singing going on for their taste.

MH: The spelling is actually the funniest part: Showstoppah823.

Street: Give us a haiku.

MH: Asking me questions. / I feel so uncomfortable. / Sweating through my shirt.

Street: What’s one thing you were scared we were going to ask you?

MH: All of the things you asked me.

Street: What’s your spirit animal.

MH: Giraffe.

Street: That was fast, I think we can guess why….

MH: Because of the spots.

Street: That’s still your email!

MH: Yeah, that’s the school one. I applied to schools with that email.

From: Chicago, IL Age: 21 Activities: Varsity basketball team, former president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity, former president of Penn Six a cappella group, Omega Society member Major: Economics Minor: Music

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Street: Describe yourself in three words?

MH: Tall, hairy, Jewish.

Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and why?

MH: Michael Jordan. I feel like he’d be hilarious to drink around.

Street: What do you love most about Penn?

MH: The people, I think.

I’ve met some of my best friends here and I couldn’t picture myself anywhere else.

Street: What do you hate most about Penn?

MH: The people. No, I have had not that good of teachers, and that’s upsetting because it’s a pretty good school, so I feel like that should be better.

Street: What was your first AIM screen name?

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PUSSY RIOT ON

MUSIC

CAROLINE MARQUES

POLITICS AND PUNK Street caught up with the incendiary founders of Pussy Riot after their talk at the Penn Museum to discuss their most recent music video, their NGO Zona Prava and the value of music.

The anticipation was palpable as an auditorium filled with Penn students of all ages and majors waited for the arrival of Maria Alyokhina and Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, founding members of the Russian punk group, Pussy Riot. After all, these were the same two women who had been arrested, wrongfully imprisoned and eventually released after twenty–one months of brutal incarceration conditions. And yet, here they were, at the Penn Museum, smiling, chatting with one another in Russian and answering questions.

Since their life–changing performance at a Muscovite cathedral in 2012, Pussy Riot has innot only intrigued Russian politicians, but also global human rights activists and foreign governments. Their efforts to change the political and artistic landscape in their home country has spread across the globe. After all, they were projecting their newest music video, "I Can't Breathe", here on campus—half a world away from home.

Shot in Russia, the video depicts Russian symbols. (In it, you'll notice the pair’s uniforms and the pack of cigarettes that's reminiscent of the Russian Spring). But the ballad’s lyrics, written over the course of one night in New York, refer to the time both artists spent protesting the death of Eric Garner in the city. The difference between the recently released song and older Pussy Riot tracks and videos is not only aesthetic, but also thematic. “I Can’t Breathe” takes a step away from punk—it's slow, bleak, less chaotic. Most importantly, it pushes the viewer to take a global stance on issues that are not only Putin–related.

Both members often compare the current situation in Russia to that of other countries, specifically the US. “Political violence exists, at least to some extent, in both nations," Alyokhina says.

This video, in many ways, emerges as a response to a “blank space”—the concept that certain law institutions separate themselves from the media, believing “they cannot be touched," Alyokhina continues.

As I sat across from Alyokhina and Tolokonnikova, they discussed why and how young people, especially young women, can get involved in politics. Alyokhina mentioned the gap between opportunities within student groups and protests at Russian and American schools.

“In Russia, you have to go to a very privileged, expensive school to access what is so natural to America. And this should be used to fight for any issues that are important to you,” she noted.

And while this may come as a surprise, the American tradition of feminist rights often inspired the twenty–six year old. She explained: “You might feel this to be very natural if you’re inside the US, but if you’re eighteen and in Russia, you look at all these things that supposedly exist in the US, and it all looks very romantic, powerful, influential.”

When she asked me my thoughts on her answer, I paused. With so much farther to go in the pursuit of equal rights, can a twenty–first century US really be an appropriate role model?

And yet, here were two cultural icons pointing at campuses like Penn and urging students to take advantage of our groups, debate forums and vibrant student voices.

Ultimately Alyokhina and Tolokonnikova left us with a lot more than a simple commentary about human rights and the entanglement of art and politics. Just as they are multifaceted artists and activists, they reminded us about our own potential to create and debate.

Addressing our audience specifically, they compared our time today to the '60s and '70s— generations of “something." We leave with an urgency, to never be part of a generation of “nothing” and to always strive to send a message of value.

(Photo: Pussy Riot Facebook Page)

Excited about SPEC's Fling Lineup Announcement? Check out our Fling-themed mixtape online at 34st.com.

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MUSIC

BACKSTAGE WITH MAGIC MAN:

ON GHOSTS, NERF GUNS AND NEAR-DEATH year, Magic Man opened for David Guetta at Penn’s EXPERIENCES Last Spring Fling concert. After last week’s triumphant return Hours before Magic Man’s headling show at Union Transfer last Monday, fans wait in line down Spring Garden Street, desperate for the venue doors to open. Backstage, bassist Gabe Goodman aims a Nerf gun at his bandmates, shooting them when they least expect it. Justine Bowe, the spunky, gentle–faced keyboardist, sips a steaming cup of green tea.

Vocalist Alex Caplow starts on his first Yuengling of the night.

Complete with several bags of tortilla chips, six–packs of beer and sarcasm, the green room at Union Transfer feels like a typical night in the living room of friend’s apartment. But when Magic Man walks on stage, they’re no longer just a group of friends in their mid–twenties. Night after night, crowds of screaming teens treat the five–piece like they’re the next Vampire Weekend.

Magic Man may be from

to Philadelphia, the synth–rockers reflect and look forward.

Boston, but the synth-rockers have shared landmark moments here in Philadelphia, and headlining a show at Union Transfer only furthers the existing brotherly love between Magic Man and Philly.

When Magic Man isn’t headlining an astonishingly energetic national tour, they find themselves in a series of hilariously bizarre mishaps.

Caplow puts it best: “Every day is weird.”

Last year, Magic Man and Ra Ra Riot opened for David Guetta at Penn’s Spring Fling concert. “It was actually one of the biggest shows we’ve ever played,” says Bowe. Though the band remembers Fling as one of their favorite perfor-

mances, just hours before the show, Bowe, Goodman and Sam Vanderhoop Lee (guitar) almost got locked in the Pottruck gym showers.

Lee remembers a student from SPEC helping find the band a place to shower after they decided to run laps on the Franklin Field track. “Just in towels, we went to the showers, and of course, we got locked out without all of our belongings,” he says. “I had to wander around the gym trying to find someone. It was humiliating, but kind of funny.”

Once Magic Man was freed from Pottruck, they illuminated Franklin Field with their uplifting pop beats, and later, celebrated by dancing with Penn students during David Guetta’s headlining set.

Fling remains a landmark memory for Magic Man—but their earlier shows in Philadelphia weren’t as victorious.

Childhood best friends Lee and Caplow remember playing at the now–defunct DIY venue, Bookspace, in Fishtown on a dangerously unstable stage with broken amps. “[Lee] started playing the first song, and for some reason,

I look up and there’s a woman hanging from cloth, tied to the ceiling, doing some sort of acrobatic activity,” says Caplow.

“And then there was a fire– twirler,” adds Lee. “I thought I was going to die. I thought the stage was going to collapse, and I was going to be crushed by a dancer falling from the ceiling.”

Caplow and Lee have been making music since they were kids—in middle school, they had a band called Yello Sno— and once Caplow went to Tufts, he met Bowe. Sulkowski and Goodman are also friends from college. “A lot of our first shows were at Tufts,” says Caplow. “We were playing a lot of shows at the Arts House, which is the house that Justine lived in.”

After graduating from college, Magic Man moved into the only living space more cramped than a college dorm: a tour bus. For the past month, Magic Man has been traveling across America, playing in a variety of cities from Houston to New York.

“We wake up each morning on a bus in a different city

than where we fell asleep,” says Bowe. “How is that not the weirdest thing?” Though daily life on tour is certainly odd, Bowe has experienced far more peculiar incidents with the band. In Washington, D.C., Bowe claims to have encountered a ghost in the Rock & Roll Hotel. “I asked the guy who was working, ‘Hey, is this place haunted?’ and he was like, ‘Yeah, this used to be a funeral parlor.’ They say that there is the ghost of some mourning mother in the bathroom of the third floor, which is where I was.”

Magic Man’s music balances the infectiousness of mainstream pop with the layered intricacy of indie rock. Their performance accomplishes the perfect mix of liveliness and musical mastery. As they wrap up their first headlining tour, Magic Man is gaining more recognition by the day. Waking up in a new city every day may be bizarre, but if their backstage antics and enthusiastic stage presence are any indication, Magic Man is about to spend many more months living in tour buses.

AMANDA SILBERLING (Photos by: Amanda Silberling) 8

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34TH STREET

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Get your favorite pizza, oven-baked sandwiches, and cheesy bread at our two locations!

215-662-1400 4438 Chestnut St. Philadelphia, PA

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Open Late, Deliver Late: Sun-Thur 10:30am-1am • Fri & Sat 10:30am-3am Any delivery charge is not a tip paid to your driver. Our drivers carry less than $20. You must ask for this limited time offer. Delivery Charges and Tax may apply. Prices, participation, delivery area and charges may vary. Returned checks, along with the state’s maximum allowable returned check fee may be electronically presented to your bank. © Domino’s IP Holder LLC. Domino’s Pizza ® and the modular logo are registered trademarks of Domino’s IP Holder LLC.

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F E AT U R E

F E AT U R E

BENNY AND THE PETs:

NUGGET

TREVOR College senior Rachel Goodman got Trevor, her golden retriever, during the spring of her sophomore year. Since then, he’s learned to open doors, which is why two campus police officers have Rachel’s phone number and regularly return him to her. When he’s not spending his days in the Sigma Chi chapter house, Trevor likes to chase tour groups, pee on the Love Statue and run around High Rise Field. This two–year–old pup will definitely brighten your next rainy day in his yellow raincoat.

LuLu

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There’s more than one Nugget on this campus. College junior Srey Beaulac got her chinchilla, Nugget, last school year.

Since then, she's adopted Nugget’s counterpart, French Fry, from a friend and the two now live together in her room, where they like to push the door of their cage open and hide under her bed. The hyperactive rodents jump around her bathroom—from the bathtub to the sink, but they can’t get wet. Instead, they take dust baths to keep their fur dry.

Street combed Penn's campus to unleash our biggest journalistic Endeavor of the year. Here, we give you nine faces to ease the sorrow of realizing Emma Watson Won't be joining us in Fisher–Bennett next year.

College senior Haley Cooper loves McDonalds.

When her season ended last fall, the soccer player headed to Brooklyn to pick up her now six–month– old hairless cat, Nugget, who she named with her love for the Golden Arches in mind. Nugget takes a bath every other week and climbs around Haley’s house on Pine, where he’s showered with attention from everyone that comes through. Follow Nugget and his wrinkles on Instagram @nugget_the_hairless_cat.

NUGGET

FRENCH FRY College senior Emily Kager got her mini Goldendoodle, Lulu, the day she finished finals her sophomore year. Lulu was just a puppy then, but she quickly shot to Insta–stardom on her very own Instagram account, @luludoodle. When Emily lived in London last summer and fall, Lulu followed, taking the tube with her owner to work every day. Now Lulu’s back on campus, enjoying long walks down Locust and lounging while neuroscience major Emily does her homework.

Bear Claw

After finding this four–week old kitten on Craigslist over the summer, College senior John Trueman adopted Luis Suárez, naming him after the Uruguayan soccer player who bit Italian player Giorgio Chiellini during the World Cup last summer. Luis, a striped orange cutie, climbs the walls in his apartment on 39th and Chestnut, kills mice and enjoys watching cat videos on YouTube. John’s roommates Zac Endter (C’16), Connor Ryan (C ‘15) and Ryan Matter (C ‘15) help make sure that Luis stays fed with his Kit & Kaboodle cat food.

IZZY Luis SuArez

Every Friday, Mackenzie Moore brings a guest to her Italian class: her four–year–old dog, Izzy. The Wharton sophomore rescued the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel last spring and brought her to school in the fall. Izzy can’t hear, so she doesn't mind the noisy frat scene. You can find her having a good time at APES and SAE, but she stays away from Zete, her least favorite fraternity. Izzy's slowly but surely taking over campus, one Huntsman study session at a time.

Bear Claw may be the only male in a house of 13 girls, but this Netherland dwarf rabbit holds his own.

When College sophomore Haley Wickham started missing her dog last September, she toyed with the idea of adopting a rabbit. Less than a week later, she ended up in the parking lot of an Amish grocery store, where a breeder handed her this grey ball of fluff. Bear Claw, who will celebrate his first birthday on May 18th, enjoys walks in his harness and hanging out with his swim team roommates.

CHARMANDER College senior and swimmer Dillon McHugh got Charmander for his birthday last year. Charmander eats crickets and vitamins, bobs his head to music and flares his beard when he’s agitated. Although Charmander is the honorary men's swim team mascot, bearded dragons can’t drink water, so Dillon bathes him in a human bathtub. Charmander's favorite pasttime is sitting in his glass case and looking serene.

Guillermo Four–month–old Guillermo eis Inquar Jürgen B. Lennon Fingerhood–Tarver may just be the most comfortable resident of Penn’s campus. College juniors Olivia Fingerhood and Khadija Tarver adopted the Flemish giant in February. They're raising him in their Baltimore avenue apartment, where he has his own room and likes to sit at his window and ponder the state of society. Young Guillermo weighs around four pounds now, but he’ll eventually be between ten and fifteen—about the size of a small dog.

M A R C H 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1

FILM & TV

KINOKI: FILM RECOMMENDATIONS

Kinoki is a group with highly refined cinematic tastes, so we asked some of their members for movie recommendations. We promise you don't have to know anything about diegesis, mise–en–scene or other fancy shit to enjoy these picks.

WHIPLASH: The Oscar–nominated phenomenon follows a young musician and his impassioned teacher.

A TIME TO KILL: Sandra Bullock. Matthew McConaughey. Samuel L. Jackson. Need we say more?

MEMENTO: This wild Christopher Nolan film plays backwards.

A must for any cinephile.

SUGGESTED BY: MAX KURTZMAN

SUGGESTED BY: MAX KURTZMAN

SUGGESTED BY: MAX KURTZMAN

Photo credits: www.iampawards.com, www.screeninsults.com, wwww.wikipedia.com, wwww.ia.media-imdb.com

College Houses presents the

2015

PENN STUDENT

THE GREAT BEAUTY: A rich, Oscar–winning Italian film. All forms of film prestige attained in a single movie.

SUGGESTED BY: AUGIE BERNSTEIN

HER: Scarlett Johansson sounds sexier than we look and she seduces Joaquin Phoenix purely with her voice. Did we mention she basically plays a phone?

SUGGESTED BY: ELLIOT WOLF

STREET STREET STREET FILM @ 34ST.COM SPACIOUS

HOUSE

AVAILABLE!

2015-2016 school year 6 Bedrooms 2 Bathrooms Finished Basement Private Backyard Central Heating

SCREENING SCHEDULE Tuesday, March 31

Wednesday, April 1

Thursday, April 2

Du Bois College House

Harrison College House

Gregory College House

8 PM • Multipurpose Room (first floor)

8 PM • Heyer Sky Lounge

Great Location!

4141 Chestnut Street

8 PM • Cinema Lounge (in Van Pelt)

Student filmmakers: Submit your work by March 27

Films can be no longer than 8 minutes. All genres of films will be accepted to the competition. All entries must be submitted in DVD readable format. Each individual or team can submit no more than one entry. All entries must have been made in the 2014-15 year. See all submission guidelines and learn how to submit your film at:

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FILM & TV

KEEPING AN EYE ON KINOKI The newest senior film society is an extracurricular star in the making.

Augie Bernstein’s voice rises with excitement. “What happens when you get cinema students in a room together?

What happens when you have these meetings when we’re all just hanging out, talking about film, in a pre–professional setting?”

The College senior’s eyes shine behind dark frames. He looks to Elliot Wolf, a fellow College senior and co–president of Kinoki, Penn’s film senior society.

Augie answers his own question, exclaiming, “Agency is sparked! What I mean by that is: We are doing things in Kinoki that are made possible because we know we have a team of people behind us.”

If you haven’t yet heard of Kinoki, you’ve got an excuse.

Just not for long. The senior society was formed only last year, but it’s quickly proven itself to be one of the most dynamic and exciting new ventures on campus.

Kinoki emerged as the brainchild of its six original members, including Augie, Elliot and Max Kurtzman C’15.

Elliot explains that he and fellow Cinema Studies students brainstormed “a bunch of different ways that seniors who were majoring in film or interested in the industry could come together and take on projects.” The group originally wanted to make a film, but ultimately decided to instead form a comprehensive cinematic society.

The name itself is derived from a theory that all Penn film students know well; Kinoki is the idea that the camera acts as some kind of eye, observing human nature.

“We wanted to create something that could last beyond our time here and contribute to the community in some way. We saw the void for film students,” Elliot elaborated.

While the group usually meets at Smokes’ for pizza and lively cinematic discussion, the real ambitions of Kinoki reach far beyond 40th Street.

“One of our goals is for ten years down the road [is] for there to be a Kinoki dinner in Los Angeles...where the pledge classes from the last ten

years can all come together, sit down, have a meal together,” Elliot explains. “Hopefully at that dinner they’ll be catching up, but they’ll also be pitching projects to one another. And it will be an opportunity for all these people to work together... we’re basically looking to keep people in touch and keep people working together after leaving Penn.”

With Kinoki’s chemistry, it’s hard to imagine the group will struggle to keep in touch.

Augie and Elliot share a palAugie Bernstein, co-President of Kinoki pable spark, a frenetic energy that propels them through their ideas and conversations rapidly—fast–forwarding from the emergence of Netflix to projects they’re excited to work on to movies they love in seconds.

With such enthusiasm for the project, it’s easy to see how Kinoki came together so naturally. But the co–presidents are quick to cite Kinoki’s thriving success to all 17 original members of the society, as well as their incoming class of juniors.

Elliot Wolf, co-president of Kinoki Max explains, “The reason Kinoki works so well is because we push each other to reach our goals in the film industry.”

Augie echoes Max's sentiments, elaborating, “Kinoki’s made up of people across a lot of different demographics and social scenes. That’s what’s so cool: it brings people together.”

And while Augie, Max, and Elliot share a pledge class in Theos, the group is quite diverse, with nearly one–third of Kinoki unaffiliated with any Greek organization.

The “unbelievable group”— as Max describes it—is currently studying the TriBeca Film Festival and is planning a program in which they teach

local elementary schools about media.

During our meeting, I exclaimed that the pair’s obvious passion for what they do is empowering to all humanities students at Penn.

To this, Elliot responded simply, “That’s how we feel at every Kinoki meeting. Empowered to do something.”

ORLY GREENBERG

M A R C H 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3

FOOD AND DRINK

CONTRAPASTA: I FUCKING LOVE POTLUCKS AND Chant: “I am a grown–ass (wo)man! I don’t need a YOU SHOULD TOO dining plan!”

Potlucks are the way to fucking go. For starters, there aren’t many other dining options where I can stay in my sweatpants, in the company of people who don’t give a shit about what I look like. Potlucks also mean we can get down and dirty cooking in my kitchen, and feel proud to prepare at least one substantial meal of the week.

Chicken, beef, pasta or heating up leftover Wishbone: potlucks prove to Mom that I’m independent enough to cook for myself and my friends. After being up to your eyeballs in meetings all week, what could be better than having a genuine conversation?

Not, “How are you?” or “How was your midterm?” I’m talking about some quality time chattin’ with my bitches and homies.

Making this time for friends also means fulfilling my secret ambition to become Julia Child, or at least to emulate her baller cooking in every way that I can. I’m excited to practice cooking, all for the rewarding struggle of impressing my guests—the supportive grimaces when my friends are sitting around my table, tucking into my “well–cooked” lasagna. (Note to self: invite freshmen friends because their standards are lower.).

When I don’t have an assignment due at 11:59:59, I can drool over the lovely fresh bread my friend made or decorate cookies to make up for all the fun I didn’t have in Huntsman all week.

Once I’m well fed, I know I won’t miss

freezing in long lines outside Rumor, the Uber X’s, blowing bucks at the bar trying to seduce some guy.

Instead of drinking arsenic­–tainted Franzia (look it up) in whatever second–rate Italian restaurant my Wharton club invited me to, I want to drink arsenic–tainted Franzia in the privacy of my living room, where I know I won’t get carded. Maybe I’ll get fancy and throw in some experimental fruit juice, *cough* vodka *cough*, concoctions. If I decide I want to head to Smokes or a late night after our potluck, it’ll only be a short, romantic walk away.

In my slippers instead of high heels, I can hear my feet already thanking me.

NATASHA DOHERTY

POTLUCK TIPS

Potluck however the hell you want. Here are the basics to get you on your way.

• Pluck some of your favorite friends from your different walks of Penn life and invite them to your place for dinner.

• Ask them each to bring a dish, preferably something that’s edible, tasty and won’t give anyone food poisoning •

Spend your evening in the company of the people you love, taking it easy, chatting and chillaxin'.

• Optional (but highly recommended): Crack open the cold beers, and bring out your favorite warm–weather cocktails. make it a barbecue–come–bitchfest– come–prepregrame for fling. Crank up the music. Bring out the Scrabble. Or Settlers of Catan, if you feel like ruining friendships and making enemies.

• Even more *optional*: Get a job with Penn Rec, convince your co–workers to have a potluck, and then have a POTTRUCK POTLUCK. 1 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E M A R C H 2 6 , 2 01 5

34TH STREET

Dining Guide

NACHO AVERAGE REVIEWS. The Dining Guide is unique and delicious.

Pick up your copy April 1st in the DP.

M A R C H 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5

ARTS

COFFEE, CLASS AND AFGHANI CULTURE: A PHOTO EXHIBIT IN WILCAF

125 South 40th Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 (215) 921-9580 store

Williams Hall might be the last place you’d look for art (except for maybe, Van Prison). However, as the saying goes, art is found where you least expect it. Last week, while eating my French toast bagel and sipping my morning latte from Wilcaf, I noticed the newest addition to the language building’s walls; a series of black and white photographs.

The collection, titled “Afghanistan: People, Place, and Material Culture”, is the collaborative work of Jawan Shir Rasikh, a doctoral student, http://www.logotypes101.com/ and David Lewis, a Master of Arts student.

Both are in the Department of South Asia Studies, which provided them with the funds to carry out the fascinating project.

The pair wished to capture the richness of Afghanistan, which is home to 30–35 million people of multiple ethnic groups. The two traveled all throughout the country, visiting and photographing Pashtuns, Tajiks, Hazaras and Uzbeks in a variety of provinces. They certainly succeeded. The snapshots are deeply insightful and each image is paired with an informative slide.

The photo series shows that the Afghan nation is one of

ARTS

Like the black and white photos of this exhibit, "Afghanistan: People, Place and Material Culture" shows us deep contrasts in the daily lives of Afghani citizens.

sharp contrasts. Viewing the images is a visit to all sorts of microcosms, from the smallest villages to the most congested cities. Shir and Lewis attempt to display a side of Afghanistan which is not often shown. They describe it as, “the quotidian view of life through the prisms of people, place, and the material culture."

We are often exposed to the violence and the instability of the nation—two very real aspects of its existence—but these pictures show us daily life of many of its people, who exist and perservere, despite a sometimes tragic reality.

The exhibition left me haunted and fascinated. I loved the use of solely black and white photography, which I interpreted as a reflection of the very contrasts in the lives of Afghanis that the two photographers are attempting to portray.

A highlight is the photography of an Uzbek man in Mazar–i–Sharif, a city with a history of bloodshed.

Ultimately, the exhibit shows us the lives and livelihoods we overlook when our primary understanding of a culture comes from the news.

SYRA ORTIZ-BLANES

It’s not too late to find housing for the next school year!

Call us today.

We’d love to help you find a great place.

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At Penn, At Home.

M A R C H 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17

LOWBROW

D R L 3

Rittenhouse

LOL

OWBROW

(THIS WEEK, LOWBROW DOES SOME SCIENCE.)

NEW SCIENCE CLASSES Advanced Registration is happening. Lowbrow got the inside scoop on the newest science courses offered in the fall.

• BIOL 230—Aviary Mating Habits: Learn intricacies of animal mating. For example, penguins are the only bird that mates for life and then ends up resenting their mates and sleeping with their secretaries—not out of desire, but out of spite.

(Photo: Wikipedia)

• CHEM 420—Cannabis and the Brain: This class totally isn’t a cop. We would have to tell you if this class was a cop.

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All are FURNISHED, and have a FITNESS CENTER & STUDY ROOM!

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• PHYS 001—Gravity: A look into John Mayer’s Career. Emphasizing his 2006 album “Continuum”.

• MEAM 120—From MEAM to MEME: The engineering of “I Can Haz Cheezburger Cat” • GEOL 340—Taking Geologists for Granite: A survey of history’s most under–acknowledged “Rock Stars.”

• BIOL 104—How Real is BioShock 4: The answer may surprise you. (Hint: not very.)

• CRIM 345—Watching Too Many Serial Killer Documentaries (Alternatively called: How to Freak Yourself Out): Wait. Did you hear that? Who’s there? I thought my roommate was home this weekend. Oh god, oh god, oh god. This is cross–listed with PSYC 345.

• ENVS 385—Water, Water Everywhere So Let’s All Have a Drink: The polar ice caps are melting.

• ENGR 003—STEM for Women: Inspiring female engineers to earn less than their male colleagues in their scientific careers.

How the fuck did we get here? Lowbrow Investigates.

David

EVOLUTION V. CREATIONISM: A COMPARISON

88

105

(Photo: Wikipedia)

EVOLUTION Etymology: The root of the word “evolution” is “evol”, which is a homonym of “evil” because turning monkeys into more advanced monkeys seems like the work of some kind of evil genius.

Who backs it up: That guy in your philosophy class who always asks questions when there's less than a minute left of class and ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS NOT AGAIN EVERYONE HATES YOU!!!!

Evidence: The striking resemblance between Chloe Sevigny and a frog; therefore, Chloe Sevigny evolved from a frog.

How it was discovered: Darwin took a rad spraaang break to the Galapagos and was all like, “Dude, turtles tho.”

Main Characters: Finches, humans, primordial ooze.

CREATIONISM Etymology: Has the same root as “Kreayshawn”, a rap icon made famous for her hit single “Gucci Gucci.”

Who backs it up: People who write really long Facebook statuses about their political and religious beliefs. See also: your great uncle Milton.

Evidence: A banana perfectly designed for use as fake phone.

How it was discovered: NEVER QUESTION THE BIBLE. Main Characters: A snake, naked people, God?

SCIENCE: A TIMELINE

Science has been happening since 1876 and there are so many important moments. We bring you the best things that totally actually happened.

1899: Madam Curie opens pop–up store, Madam’s Curries, bringing tika flavors to all of France.

(Photo: supernaturalwiki.com)

(Photo:WSJ.com)

1910: Mormons prove there is no science. Science stops for 5 years, before God unblacklists science again.

(Photo: climatecrocks.com)

1953: In embarrassing typo, Watson and Crick introduce DiNA to the scientific community. Most scientists of the time are to afraid to talk to, or about DiNA, assuming she's a woman.

(Photo: chinadaily.com.cn)

1945: Liebnitz dies after not forwarding chain email to nine people. (He was too busy exploring exponetional infinite growth patterns in an ironic twist.)

(Photo: graciouscolumn.com)

1976: Neil Degrasse Tyson fights mighty Mike Tyson.

And with the sheer force of physics, Neil wins in landslide victory.

1985: Stephen Hawking secretly founds band Daft Punk.

(Photo: markrobertfreeman.wordpress.com)

(Photo: Wikipedia)

2013: Isaac Newton wins Best Picture Oscar for Gravity.

Both 1756 and 2013: Rift in time space continuum appears and reappears.

(Photo: theaerogram.com)

2501: The human race is gone.

All that's left are the Robocops and the evolved duck people.

The Robocops must keep the mutant duck people in line, given their nefarious plans to rise up against their robot overlords. The lake of fire grows daily.

(Photo: glitterrock.org)

E​ XPERIMENT WITH THIS, NOT THAT Experimenting can be exciting, but it can also burn off your hair, your left thigh or alienate your entire family.

1920: Electricity, a safe alternative to lighting things on fire, is discovered.

(Photo: biografiasyvidas.com)

LOWBROW

If you like: Baking soda volcanoes Experiment with: Creating safe spaces for your friends to talk about fluid sexualities.

Why: Some conversations can become heated, even explosive, much like a volc—well, you get it. When talking to friends, make sure you've taken proper safety precautions, like not having asshole friends.

(Photo: irishtimes.com)

Experiment with: Reading If you like: Putting grapes feminist blogs that discuss in the microwave to isolate intersexionality when definplasma ing your own sexuality on a Experiment with: Kissing spectrum. another man.

Why: You're going to be thinkWhy: Grapes might send ing about your past behavior a literal sparks, but will kissing lot. (Were you ever part of the another man send sparks flypatriarchy? Maybe!) Get ready, ing (if you're, indeed a man)? because this endeavor will Time to find out! When grapes involve a lot of terms you'll burn they smell funky, but you need to look up. Think of it as could be getting funky instead. a research position. Need help getting started? Professors love If you like: Wharton Behavexperimenting with students! ioral Labs However, this will probably

DID YOU KNOW THAT BERKELIUM IS A REAL ELEMENT? LOWBROW IS NOT.

get creepy. Good thing you can always experiment on your own.

Who knows? Penn might even fund it.

If you like: Working with your lab partner Experiment with: Spicing up your relationship.

Why: Be safe, use latex.

When all is said and done. You can make a nice poster board with graphs and attend one of the research fairs in Bodek Lounge to tell the world about what you’ve discovered.

SPACIOUS

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AVAILABLE!

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Great Location!

4141 Chestnut Street

At Penn, At Home | apartmentsatpenn.com | 215.222.0222 M A R C H 2 6 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9

B AC K PAG E

"In high school, I was with this girl who would handcuff my hands over my head. We used a little whip, like the kind you would get from Spencer’s, along with a few other toys. My super Jewish grandparents found them when they were cleaning out my room."

—Wharton '16

"I was staying at my brother’s apartment in New York and he lives on the 22nd floor. My boyfriend and I thought it’d be fun to try a little exhibitionism when no one was home. We had sex over an open window with a full frontal view, but we had to stop because people from other apartment buildings were starting to stare."

—College '18

"When I was in Amsterdam, I found this entirely fishnet body suit and I bought it for my girlfriend. We added a little whip cream to the mix, and it got messy fast."

—College '16

"My boyfriend and I were both camp counselors. He was a rock climbing instructor, so he had a ton of rope and expertise tying things up. One night, he hog– tied me with an intricate knot— with the same rope he used for teaching the kids. It felt pretty dirty, but I was not a fan of the rope burn."

—Engineering '15

say this isn't kinky enough.

Some have saidcampus this campus isn't kinky Clearly, these people haven'tbeen beenlooking looking enough.Clearly they haven't in the right places. We asked Penn for their kinkiest confessions. students their kinkiest confessions.

"St. Patty’s day, mid-dartying, I went over to his frat house to meet him. He took me up to the 3rd floor bathroom of his frat, because he said no one ever went there. We got into the stall, started making out, clothes came off. I went down on him, then he suggested we try something new. Eager to experiment, I said yes. He bent me over, facing the toilet and proceeded to have anal with me. Sans lube."

—Wharton '16

"The first time I lost my virginity, my boyfriend came over to my house at 2am. It was during the summer. I lived right behind this huge soccer field so my boyfriend and I had a picnic...with candy. I would lay naked and he would place pieces of chocolate or Swedish Fish on my body and then eat them off of me. After that, I told him I was 'ready.'"

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—College '16

"I went on a double date with a friend and I met this cool girl with a sick apartment in Rittenhouse. A few nights later, she texted me to come over. I get to her place and her brother answers the door with two chicks.

The girl I was seeing came downstairs in a kimono. She was sleeping with my friend upstairs while her brother had sex with two girls in the living room. She wanted me to go upstairs and have a threesome, but I refused, so we fucked in the kitchen instead."

—College '17

"I had sex on a school field trip... while on an airplane going from Switzerland to Greece for a swim competition. My boyfriend happened to be with me, so we ducked off into the bathroom. We put in headphones and played a hot, slow song while having crazy sex.

The stewardess gave us a look on our way out."

—College '15