April 23, 2015 34st.com
april 23 LOL
2015
3 HIGHBROW
meh list, round up
4 WORD ON THE STREET your words
5 EGO
former hbeic, worst of penn
9 MUSIC LOL
interviews
12 FILM LOL
LOL
Game of thrones, elizabeth banks
16 FEATURE snort
21 FOOD & DRINK summer eats
LOL
LOL
24 ARTS
100 years, curating, burnin' up
28 LOWBROW shoutouts
32 BACKPAGE
shoutouts illustrated
SHOUTOUTSFROMTHEEDITOR To the readers and to the trolls: In honor of shoutouts (p. 28), I am writing my final HBEIC letter of the semester in shoutout form to the people who made this possible. To the seniors, especially to our EOTW, Chloe Bower: You did it. You made it. I look up to you more than anyone on this campus and I don’t know what I will do without you on campus next semester. When I was a Features editor, You told me that the worst thing that could happen to a Street feature is that it goes unnoticed. I hope
that this week I am showing what happens when it our features are noticed. To my former co–ed, Julia Liebergall: Writing the Round Up with you and flying to Puerto Highbrowta was the best trip. I promise I'm not crying in Huntsman writing this. To the 34th Street Staff of Spring 2k15: You are the last thing on my mind before I go to bed at night. And the reason I get up in the moring (well, usually the afternoon).
To the 34th Street Exec Board: At 3am in the shower, basking in the joy of overpriced Moroccan Oil shampoo, I realized that I could not live without you. To Penn: This week’s feature (p. 16) is why I do my job. In no less than 4,000 carefully selected words, Street covered cocaine at Penn. We're blowing shit up. STREET STREET STREET FUCK,
WE GOT A BIG LESBIAN CRUSH ON ALL OF YOU. COME TO SMOKES TONIGHT @6:30 FOR PITCHERS AND TEQUILA SHOTS. YOU EARNED IT. Brandon "Crows Girl" Slotkin Sam Rubenstein Street Exec '14 ilysm Carolyn Grace Amy Gutmann *SNIFF*SNIFF* Rebecca Heilweil Rachel Bass Our dealer Charlotte Coran Ben Lerner Eric Jacobs ^WE'RE NOT Fran Anthony DeCurtis Katharine Ross DOING COKE. Frances Patano Taylor Culliver Donna Kuzma Emily True Julia Liebergall Matt Mantica + all of 13fun WE'RE JUST Adam Hersh Dina Moroz Nick Zaza SAD STREET'S Julia Liebergall Taylor Culliver Manola Gonzalez Sola Park Caroline Kee Jack Pilutti *swoon* OVER FOR THE Joanna Glum Olivia Matlin Raquel Banks Dan Maher Syra Ortiz–Blanes SEMESTER. Cole Speidel Chikezie Wood Sam Rubenstein Spencer Winson Carolyn Wong Teresa Xu
Ciara Stein Ana Geoana Victoria Meyer Katie Dumke @ the rest of you.
Talia Sterman Paige Parsons Austin Du Annie Nelson Sammy Krouse
THNKS FR TH MMRS BBS!
34TH STREET MAGAZINE Alexandra Sternlicht, Chainsmoking Marley Coyne, Drinking a beer Ariela Osuna, Doing analytics and foreign men Ling Zhou, Investigating bitches Byrne Fahey, Getting a sugar high Corey Fader, Sitting in corners Galit Krifcher, Bitching about late content Holly Li, Not putting her photos in week's images Amy Chen, Speaking Conor Cook, Gettin' mad Instafame Elie Sokoloff, Munching Copa nachos Katie Hartman, Attending YBK conventions Randi Kramer, Gettin' some pull quotes Casey Quackenbush, Coke. Natasha Doherty, Sippin' Pimm's w/ her pinky out 2
Ryan Zahalka, Hitting girls' cervices Cassandra Kyriazis, Blumpkining Orly Greenberg, Being a member of OAX/APES Clare Lombardo, Cuddling marshmallows Amanda Suarez, All of the DPizza Caroline Marques, Wearing sunglasses indoors Amanda Silberling, Listening to dat indie shit Justin Sheen, Dimpling Molly Collett, Molly Rosa Escandon, Eating hand beans Mikaela Gilbert–Lurie, Lowbrow threesomes Kimberly Lu, Bearing biracial children Mark Paraskevas, Marketing the DP Sarah Fox, Uber dashing Pat Goodridge, Watching Penn sports
3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
Mark Paraskevas, Being on the masthead twice Giulia Imholte, "Like my posts on Facebook.." Rachel Rubin, Hiding secrets in her hair Kyle Bryce–Borthwick, Napping Alex Cohn, Stalking (on FB, possibly in person) Mara Veitch, Not pregnant, just kidding...READ OUR FEATURE! COVER PHOTO: Corey Fader BACKPAGE DESIGN: Byrne Fahey Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader and Amy Chen.
Contributors:
Dan Maher, Ben Lerner, Jill Castellano, Raquel Banks
Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Alexandra Sternlicht, Editor–in–Chief, at sternlicht@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. www.34st.com "Is there some rule that Christians can't have sex or something?" ©2015 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.
HIGHBROW
THE MEH LIST: POST FLING/ PRE-FINALS EDITION 1. Delancey
over heard PENN at
2.
2. Your drug dealer
4. Extra credit Wharton Behavioral Labs
(Photo: wikimedi a.o r
3. Subletting
Jesus man with microphone and step stool on Locust: You are not holy.
)
g
5. Abroad modules
7.
6. SABS–ing on College Green
Theos freshman: Banksy used a photo of me in one of his paintings.
7. Quaker Days 12.
8. OAX 9. “Is there alcohol in this?” 10. Coughing in lecture 11. Teacher and course evaluations
14.
12. Formal dates
Sassy SWUG (Senior Washed Up Gay): The SABS–iest continent post–grad is Asia.
13. “Where are you working this summer?” 14. Your summer body
Confused goy: I thought Kweder was a Jewish holiday, then someone was like, “Yeah, Kweder every Tuesday.” And I was like that’s not how holidays work. Boy in Steiny D bathroom: There were basically two Flings this year—one for Latinos and another for everyone else.
15. Works Cited pages
THEROUNDUP After Fling and 4/20, there’s nothing worse than coming down in a VP carrel. Love might be Kesha’s drug of choice, but we prefer gossip. We hope your finals are easier to pass than your summer internship’s random drug tests. Kesha’s dancing penis wasn’t the only dick on display this weekend. At a carnival–themed Fling celebration, the infamous Oz monster came out to play. One freshman boy was butt–naked and painted green, as he ran around the party, brushed up against guests and even danced on the roof. Unfortunately, Friday’s chilly temperatures didn’t help the nude boy’s one–eyed monster, which retreated back into its cave. Despite his penis size, this guy definitely has some serious balls. But we can't exactly say we're green with envy.
But for future reference: the bigger, the better. Even though the Oz monster wasn’t packing it, the Pool Party was packed this weekend. To our surprise, sources tell us some students actually used their brains during Fling. After tickets quickly sold out for the Pool Party, students turned to the world’s most reliable source: Amazon Prime. These savvy students knew attendees received wristbands for entry, so they simply ordered wristbands from the website, which ultimately granted them access to the event. Congrats, geniuses—looks like you all Madoff with a nice sum of money. Although students avoided paying for Pool Party tickets, not all avoided injury. After finally pushing through the crowded venue, one boy decided to purchase a celebratory round of drinks for himself and a few lucky ladies. As he was handing his card over to the bartender, he accidentally dropped it and reached over the bar to
try and retrieve it. Unfortunately, the bartender thought he was up to no good so he whipped around and served him a tall glass of rum punch– in–the–face. We hope being in the Round Up isn’t another slap in the face. Remember: it’s fun until someone gets hurt—then it’s funny. One, two, three strikes, you’re out, at the old ball game. Highbrow hears that two students tried to run the bases at the Campbell’s Baseball Field party, despite the fact that attendees weren’t granted field access. Security guards on site spotted the duo rounding third and tackled the pair before sending them home. We wonder: were they snacking on Cracker Jack’s or just plain crack? Don’t hate the player, hate the game. The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact. T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
3
WORD ON THE STREET
word on the STREET
YOUR 2014-2015 HIGHS AND LOWS In honor of our final Spring issue, Street asked you to look back on the ups and downs of your year.
HIGHS
“High was discovering that joining a fraternity at Penn wasn’t just about finding a cool social sphere—it was about finding guys that you could be friends with and find support from when you need it.”—Leopold Spohngellert, College ’18
"A week after NSO, I ended up hooking up with a senior frat boy, went back to his place and woke up with my ass covered in bruises. I Snapchat–ed him a picture the next day of my bruised ass. Opened. No response.”—Female, College ’18
“Low has been discovering that my parents and I have very different ideas of what kind of life I should live.”—Saraf Ahmed, College ’16
“My low was getting a C– on my psychology exam. My Intro to Psychology exam. And my high was getting a C+ on the next one.”—Kimberly Corson, College ’17
“The first time I got into Smokes' using a fake that has a picture of another person, says I’m 26 and expires in 2055.” —Female, College ’18 “The time somone on my floor tried to recycle meatloaf.” —Sarah Zandi, College ’17 “That one time I fucked that girl. That was pretty cool.” —Male, College ’18
“Being on stage during Kygo.” —Spencer Jaffe, College ’16
“Getting peed on by my roommate.”—Anonymous, College ’18
“My expected high of the school year would be the CityStep show. I feel like when people see our kids, they’ll realize how special this is.” —Joshulyne Park, College ’17
“Having sex with a random senior, crying, then walking home.” —Female, College ’18
High “Channeling my FOMO into JOMO." (Ed. Note: Joy of missing out.)—Female, College ’17
“My low was failing my first Econ midterm in Econ 1.” —Zoe Stern, College ’18 “A low would probably be being surrounded by sophomore slump.” —Emma Hong, College ’17
“It sucked to realize how much money and status affected the social life. I came to Penn because I thought it would be a really diverse group of Ivy League, diverse, intellectuals, and I found it to be a big conglomerate of privilege. So I’ve been disappointed with that. And people quickly divide into their spheres, and it’s hard to separate from those spheres.”—Leopold Spohngellert, College ’18
“Low: drunkenly peeing on my roommate while he was in bed. High: drunkenly peeing on my roommate while he was in bed.” —Dylan Henderson, College ’18 “My high would be studying abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina—getting a break from Penn but also realizing the parts of Penn that I like by not being there.”—Linnea Cederberg, Wharton and College ’16 “Stealing a handle of Svedka from Tep and bringing it to Allegro.” —Female, College ’18
“I’d say my high was joining ADPi. I didn’t rush my freshman year because I never really thought about getting involved in Greek life, but I had a few friends in ADPi who convinced me to come to informal rush. I ended up meeting really fun, amazing girls who are now my best friends and I couldn’t be happier.”— Jackie Nikpour, Nursing ’17
Met a girl at Rumor and brought her back to my room in the Quad. Things were all going well until she pissed her pants in my room.” —Male, College ’18 “Losing my winter coat at Smokes' on a night where it was arguably negative degrees out.” —Lizzy Weingold, College ’16
“My low was probably over winter break, when my dog unexpectedly had a really bad seizure that gave him brain damage, and we had to put him down. We miss him, but I’m lucky to have lots of people who helped me through that.”—Jackie Nikpour, Nursing ’17
“High: getting into a fraternity that doesn’t pledge. Low: pledging.”—Male, College ’18 “My high was jumping on the bouncy castle at Fling.” —Zoe Stern, College ’18 “I’d say a high of the year is just getting closer to my friends.” —Emma Hong, College ’17 “Meeting Questlove at the Kelly Writers House.” —Lizzy Weingold, College ’16 4
“My high this semester was getting into Smokes' legally.” —Michael Roberts, Wharton ’16
“Forgetting I had a midterm until the night before.” —Ali Greenstein, College ’17
“High has been getting a paper published and getting into a honors thesis program.” —Saraf Ahmed, College ’16
“My low was returning from abroad to OCR.” —Michael Roberts, Wharton ’16
3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
“Going through three hell weeks in a month for Hype, CityStep and Funk.”—Joshulyne Park, College ’17
LOWS
EGO
EGO OF THE WEEK: CHLOE BOWER
If you haven't seen Street's former HBIC around these days, it's because she's found the SABSiest new place on campus: her bed. Don't let her resting bitch face fool you—there's One Direction to her heart, and that's a bottle of sauvignon blanc and cold brie. Street: Has this interview been keeping you up at night? Chloe Bower: Yes, I think since I found out that I was going to be Editor–in–Chief I’ve been thinking about it. Street: We’re going to hit you with the hardest question first: Kill, fuck, marry—One Direction edition. CB: I would kill Liam, he’s probably the most traditionally good–looking one, but I’ve heard he’s just kind of a dick. I would fuck Harry. At first, I didn’t understand the Harry hype, and something just switched. There’s just something about his hair that gets me. I would marry Niall because he’s just so cute and sweet and the only one that doesn’t have tattoos. Street: You don’t like tattoos? CB: I like tattoos in the Harry sense, but I’d like to be buried with my husband in a Jewish cemetery. Street: What do you miss least
about being editor–in–chief? CB: The temperature of the office. Street: Okay, fill in the blank: There are two kinds of people at Penn. CB: People who have found a place or community that feels like home and people who have never been to the Street office or the 40th street McDonalds.
Street: What TV character do you most identify with? CB: Cersei Lannister on Game of Thrones. She’s a cold-hearted bitch, but she always has a glass of wine in her hand.
Street: What’s your motto? CB: Always dress like you’re going to a funeral.
Street: What do you like best about Penn? Street: What’s your guilty plea- CB: Greek Lady. sure? Not One Direction. CB: Not wearing a bra because Street: What do you hate most about Penn? it’s my dirty little secret. CB: Being in the lobby of Huntsman Street: If you are what you eat, when classes are changing. what would you be? Street: Which romantic comedy CB: Cheese. Probably a nice describes your life the best? brie. Something imported. CB: Can I say Jiro Dreams of Sushi? Is that a romantic comedy? I fell in love Street: Warm? and I laughed and I cried. CB: No. Cold brie. Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and why? And what would you drink? CB: I’d like to have a glass of sauvignon blanc with Steve Jobs.
Street: When was the last time you cried? CB: When I watched the One Direction movie.
Street: What were you scared we were going to ask you? CB: How often I masturbate, because you From: Long asked my Island, NY roomActivities: mate Former Street EIC, that. Friars Senior Street: Society, Which Seniors for the One Penn Fund, Direction NEC lyric makes you swoon? CB: My favorite song right now is probably "Rock You," but it doesn't really make me swoon. It's kind of erotic.
BYOB Weekend Special (Thursdays through Sundays)
Enjoy Your Favorite Bottle of Wine When Dining in Our Restaurant Call for more information! 3549 Chestnut Street | (215) 387-8808 | sangkeenoodlehouse.com
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
5
WORST OF PENN Every year, The DP brings you the Best of Penn. But lets be honest: being mean is always more fun.
EGO
Worst Place to Take Your Mom: Itzaccihuatl (itzå-shît-höl) on a Thursday
You’re not quite sure how you got there. Your mom came to visit, you went for a walk downtown, and she was in the mood for some bargain Mexican food. She’s insisting on being the “cool mom.” You’re in college now! You can totally enjoy some Tortilla Gold margs together. Next thing you know, the president of the Wharton Hedgefund Club is handing your mom is business card and chundering all over your entrees. It was a noble attempt, but just like that kid’s enchilada, it didn’t go down as planned.
Worst Place to Inhale on Campus: Castle Parties
OF PENN
There are a lot of bad places to breathe on this urban campus. We certainly don’t recommend you inhale when you’re standing above the manhole near the Love Statue or pretty much when you’re anywhere on the first floor of Fisher–Bennet (it may not be ventilated at all). In terms of sheer lung cancer risk, though, the worst place to inhale is at a Castle party. The air at those events is 98% cigarette smoke, 2% oxygen.
The
Hair Salon 3426 Sansom St. Philadelphia, PA 19104 215.387.8981
Introducing
Olivia!
Becca
Introducing... SPECIALS $25 Haircuts $20 Blow-outs 6
Becca 10% off (regular price $25)
Sunday Brunch with Ananda and Becca Complimentary Coffee and Pastry
3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
CREATIVE • BALANCED • SIMPLE 1608 SOUTH STREET • PHILADELPHIA, PA 215-790-0330 • ENTREEBYOB.COM Everyday Free bang trims for ladies Free neck cleanups
EGO
Worst Place to Throw Up: On Your Econ001 Final Maybe you were nervous. Maybe you thought that Kweder was just too good to miss. Maybe you’re just pregnant (sorry). Whatever the reason, you just ruined any chance with that study buddy of yours for sure. There’s vomit down your shirt and all over your desk, but finishing your PPE major is dependent on this exam. You wipe your mouth, raise your hand and ask for a new blue book. Game on, Rebecca Stein.
Complete Rentals:
$59.99
Worst Place to Have Diarrhea: 3rd Floor of VP VP’s third floor tables, close to the elevators, are an ideal study spot—you can SABS while studying, there are a few outlets, there’s a water fountain, and bathrooms are nearby. However, this seemingly perfect study spot is suddenly a complete disaster when you have explosive diarrhea. The two single bathrooms adjacent to the tables have one form of ventilation: small vents in the doors. Unfortunately, they provide little air flow while simultaneously amplifying bathroom sounds. Anyone waiting outside can hear every fierce squirt, fart and flush. After you finish your business, the poopy stench pervades the bathroom hallway, and as you walk back to your table, everyone knows you’ve been pooping. When shit hits the fan, do everything you can do avoid the third floor of VP.
Worst Place to Run into an Ex: Saxbys
Post finals CALLS FOR A
pre game
once classes end...
the party starts.
We’ve got THE BEER FOR your holiday party!
Let's be real, anywhere is the worst place to run into an ex, but there is something especially fucked about Saxbys. First, no one has ever been not hungover in Saxbys. Second, all you want is an edible muffin, and they have muffins, but their degree of edibility is debatable. Let me set up a scene for you: You're hungover from too many shots at an Oz late night (you are The Scene). You got a coffee and orange juice that somehow tastes of gasoline. You run into Peter. He looks great. This light looks good on no one basically ever. He's doing work on a Sunday. Maybe that's why you broke up with him. Green Day is playing. Up next is Celine Dion. Usually you would just have to say hi, get coffee and leave. But this is Saxbys. They take forever. This will be a five minute convo, at least. Good thing you didn't order a latte.
beer springfield distributor
(215) 546-7301 Studying WE DELIVER too hard? WE DELIVER Take a break 2206 Washington Ave, Philadelphia | (215) 546-7301 with us. 2206 Washington ave, Philadelphia
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
7
34TH STREET
Individual leases Utility package w/internet & cable Fully furnished w/full size bed City-view clubroom w/walkout terrace Private study room Individual leases Fitness center Utility package w/internet & cable Fully furnished w/full size bed City-view clubroom w/walkout terrace Private study room Fitness center
NOW LEASING FOR 2015–2016 SCHOOL YEAR NOW
JOIN THE RADIAN LEASING FOR V 2 0I1P5 – 2L0I1 S 6 TS C! H O O L Y E A R
radian apartm ent 3 9 25 W alnut S
s.com
t re e t 215.22 2.4
radian apartm ent 3 9 25 W alnut S
8
3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
The Radian’s daring lines and cutting edge lifestyle is yourAMANDA boldest choice for SILBERLING off-campus freedom. Space is limited. Don’t miss out!
212 The Radian’s daring lines and cutting edge lifestyle is your boldest choice for off-campus freedom. Space is limited.
s.com
t re e t 215.22 2.4
Don’t miss out!
212
MUSIC
CREEPOID’S PAT TROXELL
Photo: JUMP Philly
REFLECTS ON THE PHILLY DIY SCENE
From destroying guitars at Penn’s Pilam house to getting kicked out of clubs on South Street, psychedelic grunge rock band Creepoid have made their mark in our city. Check them out at Underground Arts this Thursday as they kick off their US tour. Street: What was it like playing shows at Pilam? Pat Troxell: Pilam’s the best! I grew up going to shows there. It’s always been a really good place to go see shows. We’ve played two or three shows at Pilam over the years, I think? We did Human Barbecue, which had a really amazing lineup that year, with Asteroid #4. We used to have a lot of issues with our gear, and that Pilam show was one of those shows where we just smashed everything. Our guitar player Sean [Miller] went through three guitars at that show, and it was a rough one. But we had a blast—it was awesome. That place was always a good time. We lived near Penn when we recorded our EP. We were right near Malcolm X park. The whole band had a house up there. Street: What’s it like having the whole band living in a house? PT: It helps with the writing and recording and keeping on schedule being a full–time band. But there’s no privacy ever. Anna [Troxell, bass] and I have been married for fiveand–a–half years, and two of those years we’ve been in band houses. We definitely have to run away sometimes and hide out to not be around people 24/7. But they’re people I love, and I wouldn’t want to be around anyone else.
Street: What’s the dynamic like when you’re in a band with someone who you’re married to? PT: It’s great. Anna and I have been married longer than we’ve been in a band together. We got together and were together before Anna even took up an instrument, so it was cool to do that together. I’ve seen a lot of people struggle on the road with their significant others not around, and I feel for that, but at the same time, I appreciate that I can go on the road and do what I’m doing. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Street: Are there venues in Philadelphia that have stuck with you as a band and shaped your experience? PT: We got banned from the Tri Town once on South Street, but that’s not there anymore. We had a really crazy sold–out, wild show, and the band actually ended up biting each other on stage, and it was a total blowout moment. But it was one of those things that changed us a little. Like, maybe we won’t drink that much on stage. I was the booking agent at Kung Fu Necktie for a year–and–a–half or two years, and we had our record release show there when the band first started.
When we started out four years ago, there weren’t really noisey psych rock bands in Philly. There was Bardo Pond, but honestly, the way Philly is, and the way the great clubs are, is that they come and go. We all grew up going to different spots around Philly that were really good for DIY music. Going to the First Unitarian Church? That was our shit. Anna and I met by going to hardcore shows as kids. That stuff’s really deep in us, and we really appreciate it. When we go to other towns, especially college towns, we’ll play club shows and then play a house show later that night, and that’s because of growing up in Philadelphia and being put in that atmosphere. Street: What up–and–coming bands in Philadelphia are you excited about right now? PT: The local band Harsh Vibes—we took them on a tour down the coast last summer. And of course, the obvious, Amanda X is awesome. We’re really lucky to have played numerous shows with them, and they’re good friends of ours. I haven’t seen
them live yet, but I’m really into that band Spirit of the Beehive. Everyone in Philly, there’s bands that have been around forever that don’t really command the respect they deserve. There’s this one band, Fight Amp, from Philadelphia. They’re a heavier noise rock band, but they’re really good friends of ours. There’s a lot of new stuff popping up. That’s part of the reason why
we love Philly so much. The music scene is always changing and adapting. It’s cool.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
AMANDA SILBERLING
BUY BOOKS BOOKS BUY SELL BOOKS BOOKS SELL SAVE MONEY MONEY SAVE Independent 1962 Independentbooksellers booksellers since since 1962
130 S 34th Street (215)-222-7600 130 S 34thhttp://www.pennbookcenter.com Street (215)-222-7600
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E
9
34TH STREET
1 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
MUSIC
TRANSITIONING TO A NEW MELODY: A Q&A WITH
PIANOS BECOME THE TEETH Ph o
to:
Pi an
os
be
com
e Th
eT eet
h
Last October, Pianos Become the Teeth released the album Keep You, a critically lauded departure from their previous sound. Now, they’re on tour with Gates and Loma Prieta. We caught up with guitarist Mike York in the wake of the tour’s opening show at Philadelphia’s iconic First Unitarian Church.
Street: Are you excited to open your tour at the Church? Have you toured with either Gates or Loma Prieta before? Mike York: Yeah, very. Last October, we did a few dates with the band Gates. They were an awesome band to watch every night. We’ve not ever toured with Loma [Prieta]. We’ve done a couple shows with them before, but it’s pretty exciting to be able to do a full tour with them. Street: How has this tour and debuting your album gone so far? MY: So far, it’s been really good. We did a few dates when the record initially came out in October, and all of the larger shows like New York, Boston and Chicago—they were sold out—the first time we’d ever done that as a headliner, which was awesome. Then we had done a tour with Circa Survive across the US and that was really good. We went to Europe, then we did a tour to South by Southwest, all of which were great. Definitely the best shows we’ve ever done as a band. Street: How has it been coming off the success of this record? I mean, people were going nuts over it. MY: Well that’s the hope! It seems to have been received very well. The response was very overwhelming. It was awesome to be able to put out this record. We were confident when we recorded it, and it definitely kind of reinforces that confidence when people enjoy what you do. Street: What would you say the band’s biggest influences are?
MY: I feel like that probably changes, and I also feel like it depends on who you ask because we have such a wide range of influences as a band. Personally, though, I would say Radiohead, Bon Iver—bands like that are definitely more influential now than they were [when we began our career.] I feel like we have more in common with them than we did when we started.
independent record store.) MY: We’ve got a 7–inch coming out, it’s called Close and it’s got a few songs that didn’t really fit into Keep You. We felt like these songs were really good and they meshed with each other better than they fit into the cohesive record, so we decided to release them as B–sides.
This interview has been condensed and edited. Street: So, you guys have been a part of a distinct wave of music. You got big around the same time RAQUEL BANKS as La Dispute, Touche Amore and This interview has been edited and condensed. all those bands. Do you have relaNOW LEASING! tionships with those bands? MY: No matter what, when you go on tour with a band, you end up forming a relationship with them. Some more than others, just because personalities align more. A lot of times, with those bands, we knew them before they got huge and Available July 1! Renovated Eat-in-Kitchen w/ Garbage Disposal we would be playing with them at Washer/Dryer in Building | Hardwood Floors our local place in Baltimore. With a band like Touche Amore, we’ve always had a good relationship with them. They brought us out on their first headliner, which was really, really awesome of them. We put out a Available September 1! 2BTH | Bi-level | Hardwood Floors Central Air | Renovated Kitchen | Washer/Dryer in Building split with them, and they’ve always just been great guys.
THE BEST LOCATIONS
1BR Apartments
42nd & Pine | 44th & Pine
3BR Apartment 42nd & Pine
Street: Last question: what are you guys doing for Record Store Day? (Ed. note: RSD is an annual event celebrating the culture of the
4019 Locust St.
215-222-5500
uerealestate@aol.com
“Your mother will be happy.”
enterprises UE university Apartments & Townhouses
Locations you want. Prices you need. Experience you trust.
OUR 50th YEAR SERVING PENN STUDENTS
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 1
FILM & TV
YOUR WEEK IN FILM:
This week, on campus you can find Inside Llewyn Davis and a Scandal watch party, a new addition to the Marvel Universe, and sadness if you missed Ellie Kemper.
WHAT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED FOR:
•
Little known fact: George • Clooney still manages to sound sexy even when portraying a claymation fox #nowyouknow. The PFS Theater at the Roxy will be showing Fantastic Mr. Fox 11am on Saturday, April 25th. Tickets are $9 with a student ID, so treat yourself to this Wes Anderson confection. We’re willing to bet you’ve never seen Inside Llewyn Davis, the Coen brothers’ 2013 indie darling. We’re also willing to bet that you’re dying to see a bearded Justin Timberlake sing folk music. Catch an 8pm screening of Inside Llewyn Davis on Tuesday, April 28th in Gregory College House.
ONE OF THE AREA’S MOST COMPLETE LOCK SERVICES •
PHILADELPHIA’S COMPLETE LOCK SERVICE 24 HourMOST Emergency Service
Residential & STREET Commercial • PHILA 31 SOUTH 42ND Locks Repaired/Installed 215.386.2929
Autowww. Locks • Bike Locks.com • Safes WestPhillyLock
24 HOUR Serving West Philadelphia, 215-386-2929 EMERGENCY SERVICE Center City & Northern Liberties Residential • Commercial • Auto • Locks Installed & Repaired
31 S. 42nd Street, Philadelphia, PA 19104 (Between Market and Chestnut)
WHAT YOU NEED TO STREAM: • •
•
1 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
Rodin College House will be holding a Scandal Watch Party at 9pm on Thursday, April 23rd (so like, today). Get your tweeting thumbs ready to join the live tweet frenzy that Scandal is famous for.
Game of Thrones. Sunday, April 26th at 9pm. Like you didn’t already know. The first season of Daredevil streaming on Netflix. This newest addition to the Marvel Universe takes place in a new New York, rebuilt after the destruction of the city in The Avengers. It also features a new set of abs for you to ogle and a grownup Mighty Duck playing the blind superhero’s best friend. And yeah, like the kids playing hockey in Mighty Ducks.
Photo: huffingtonpost.com
EVERY DAY THIS WEEK:
Kick yourself for not seeing Ellie Kemper’s interview in Harrison Auditorium this past Tuesday. Never fear, Kimmy Schmidt is still streaming on Netflix.
Photo: hitfix.com
FILM & TV
THE GUIDE TO
La Fontana Della Citta 215.875.9990
It's every fanboy's dream. Even if you've watched Game of Thrones carefully (and we know you have), you've probably wouldn't have noticed some major overlap between Game of Thrones and James Bond actors. Prepare to squeal: this is the cross–over of a lifetime.
Photo: imgkid.com
Ned Stark in GoldenEye: Sean Bean’s Ned Stark in Game of Thrones and Sean Bean’s Alec Trevelyan in 1995’s GoldenEye is more like Ned Stark than one would think. Sure, the actor’s GoT patriarch is honorable to a fault while the actor’s Trevelyan is a rogue agent gone supervillain, but the basic character arc in both cases is still fish out of water. In GoldenEye, Bean’s character, Alec Trevelyan, and his Cossack parents have struggled since WWII. Trevelyan’s motivations are fairly simple: he wants to rob the Bank of England and wipe out their electronics with an EMP as revenge for the Allied Powers role in his parents’ deaths. Trevelyan may not make it out alive (Ed. note: We refuse to call this a spoiler; Sean Bean always dies.), but Brosnan and director Robert Campbell build an airproof case for Bond’s continued relevance as a spy even after the fall of the Berlin Wall.
Photo: gameofthrones.wikia.com
High Sparrow in Tomorrow Never Dies: When Game of Thrones taps a noteworthy actor like Jonathan Pryce for a potentially game changing role, book readers and viewers alike know the showrunners have big plans in store for his character, High Sparrow. But before all that dragon business, Pryce drew attention as a splashy villain in 1997’s little–referenced Tomorrow Never Dies. One of the more straight action thrillers in the Bond arsenal, 007 is trying to stop a media mogul, played by Pryce, from inducing war between China and the UK for his own profit. As the
Olenna Tyrell in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service:
Fans of Diana Rigg’s Olenna Tyrell, Game of Thrones’ Queen of Thorns, should not be surprised to know that this razor– sharp matriarch was once the only Bond girl to make the spy settle down in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. OHMSS features some bizarre digressions, but is never better then when Rigg’s Tracy di Vincenzo shares the screen with one–and–done Bond George Lazenby in 1969. Ultimately, the massive action climax on a Swiss mountaintop lair puts this movie in Bond’s top tier. Lazenby and Rigg have tremendous chemistry second of Brosnan’s four Bond throughout, but the film’s last sequence is a game changer. films, it’s the most action–y, Olenna Tyrell sometimes waxes and Jonathan Pryce’s turn as on about her brilliant time at Rupert Murdoch’s alternate court when she was young. ego Elliot Carver is wonderTurns out the Queen of Thorns fully compelling. Pryce has a talent for megalomaniac roles, is probably referring to her which only ensures that Queen time as a Bond girl. Regent Cersei will have her work cut out for her dealing with Westeros’ current reigning religious zealot. DAN MAHER
Experience a Touch of Italy At the Best BYOB In Philly! Seats 180 People 5 Lunches, 7 Dinners, 7 days a week Excellent for Family and Group Meetings Contact Management, they are happy to meet your needs!
Authentic Italian Cuisine at Reasonable Prices
15% off with Fixed Price Sunday-Thursday
1701 Spruce St. - Philadelphia, PA 19103 - www.lafontanadellacitta.com
3736 Spruce Street Hours: Mon - fri: 7am - 7pm Sat - Sun: 8am - 7pm hubbubcoffee.com
THANKS FOR VOTING US BEST COFFEEHOUSE!
YOU LOVE COFFEE? WE LOVE COFFEE!
PERFECT. T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 3
34TH STREET
Domino’s
™
ORDER ONLINE
Get your favorite pizza, oven-baked sandwiches, and cheesy bread at our two locations! 215-662-1400 4438 Chestnut St. Philadelphia, PA
215-557-0940 401 N. 21st St. Philadelphia, PA
Open Late, Deliver Late: Sun-Thur 10:30am-1am • Fri & Sat 10:30am-3am Any delivery charge is not a tip paid to your driver. Our drivers carry less than $20. You must ask for this limited time offer. Delivery Charges and Tax may apply. Prices, participation, delivery area and charges may vary. Returned checks, along with the state’s maximum allowable returned check fee may be electronically presented to your bank. © Domino’s IP Holder LLC. Domino’s Pizza ® and the modular logo are registered trademarks of Domino’s IP Holder LLC.
1 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
DM1414
FILM & TV
ELIZABETH BANKS DIRECTS PITCH PERFECT 2: FINDING HER PENNSPIRATION
Serving Philadelphia
for over
25
years!
Street caught the advanced screening of the aca–sequel, this time helmed by EBanks. which means the pitch is even more perfect.
City’s Most Popular Indian Buffet
15% off your Welcome Welcome total order!
CLASS OF OF CLASS For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp.
For Fast Delivery Photo: eonline.com
Elizabeth Banks, C’96. At Penn, she was Elizabeth Mitchell, the theatre–obsessed, Comm major in Tridelt. The one who met her future husband the first day of freshman year NSO at an AEPi party. The one who’s now our most famous alumna in Hollywood. Banks and her hubby Max Handelman co–produced the first installment of Pitch Perfect aca– phenomenon, in which she was also a star. She added to her brag sheet the role of director for the sequel, and without providing a full review, we can confidently say it’s just as much fun as its predecessor. Most notably, we loved some subtle (and not–so–subtle) references to Penn in Banks’ directorial debut: BEN LERNER
PENN MASALA
approach to the Barton Bellas’ journey this time around, which adds yet another layer of freshness to the film. Think less cliché romance where the guy is in charge and more lady bonding—complete with a Beyonce tribute.
The most overt and exciting bone Banks threw Penn was providing Penn Masala with a legit Quaker cameo at the world championship. There are some extreme close–ups of the Indian a capella superstars, and from what we could hear under the Penn student screams, they slayed. The group has a different name A lot of this female bonding in the film, as they represent takes place during a wilderness India in the competition, but retreat in the woods, where the they’re credited by name in the Bellas bond over various outclosing credits. doorsy activities and uncomfortable sleeping conditions. We’re pretty sure Elizabeth Banks didn’t go on PennQuest, but woodsy getaways like these And we don’t just say that sound familiar—and we know because Ellie Kemper of Unfrom our 2012 interview that breakable Kimmy Schmidt vis- Banks based the Bellas initiaited campus on Tuesday. Banks tion scene off of her experience and screenwriter Kay Cannon in Friars. take a decidedly more feminist
WILDERNESS RETREATS
FEMALES ARE STRONG AS HELL
BELLA'S HOUSING We're not saying the gorgeous mansion the Bellas live in (complete with plush furniture, grand wooden staircases and close proximity to a pond) is a reference to Castle's luxurious accommodations. But who's to say that it's not? We're looking at you, Banks.
ININCONCLUSION CONCLUSIO-
We’re proud of Banks’ Penn–centric take on Pitch Perfect. The film is jam packed with the old cast, plus a slew of new faces. Look out for high profile cameos during both the opening and closing a capella performances. Stay during the credits for a bonus sequence featuring the music from one other legendary alumnus. (Hint: his Pitch Perfect–inspired reality show is about to commence.)
Expires 4/30/2015 *Closed Mondays* Call 215-386-1941
2016
For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941
4004 Chestnut Street or Order Online @ newdelhiweb.com Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp. Exp.2/23/12 4/11/12 Exp.
For Fast Fast Delivery Delivery Call Call 215-386-1941 215-386-1941 For
BRAND NEW Student Apartments! Enjoy granite kitchens with all appliances, custom private bathrooms, hardwood floors, Flat Screen TVs in family rooms, alarm systems, front door monitors, fire sprinkler systems.
FREE SHUTTLE SERVICE for all tenants to and from campus every 45 minutes! 38th & Spring Garden: 3BR, 3BTH – starting at $1,895.00 38th & Hamilton: 3BR, 3BTH – starting at $2,000.00 38th & Hamilton: 3BR, 2BTH – starting at $1,950.00
All are FURNISHED, and have a FITNESS CENTER & STUDY ROOM!
Limited Availability. Call today! 855-205-0500 | universityrealtyapartments.com T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5
F E AT U R E
by Casey Quackenbush & Jill Castellano
the dividing line
A
s cops shut down the Homecoming party in the Chancellor backlot a block from Penn’s campus, hundreds of students swarm onto the surrounding streets. One group files into a white limousine. A student directs the driver to 37th and Spruce streets while another starts cutting lines on his iPhone. “Fuck, are we here already?” he asks as he rolls up a crisp bill. The driver takes another lap around the block. One backseat passenger lowers his nose to the phone and does a line. He passes the bill to his friend for his turn. Minutes later, they head out onto Locust, just as they will for class on Monday. For certain Penn students, cocaine is ubiquitous. But for the rest, the normality of Penn’s cocaine culture is abnormal. Students' perceptions of cocaine perpetuate this dichoto-
my: while some turn their backs on the drug because of its consequences, others embrace its associations with wealth and exclusivity.
The Dark Side After a late night of partying at the end of his sophomore spring, Charlie*, now a senior, headed back to an older fraternity brother’s house on Beige Block. When he walked in, a group was doing lines, and when his fraternity brother offered him some, Charlie tried it. Holy shit, this is fucking fantastic. They killed the rest and each wanted more. Charlie hightailed it to Fresh Grocer’s ATM, where he withdrew his last $80 to pitch in for the next batch. He railed four or five lines that night. Everything made sense—his jittery friends, the locked rooms—when Charlie "made that big
1 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
jump," as he describes it, and tried cocaine. “You sit on the sidelines enough and you watch people do it enough,” he reflects. “Then finally sophomore year, I was like, ‘You know what? Put me in coach, I’ll try it.’ No one in this house had died. Everyone does well in school. It hasn’t changed people’s lives. It hasn’t ruined them. It hasn’t done anything. They just clearly have fun for a few hours in a night, so I might as well do it as well.” “Now we’re on the other side,” he jokes with his friends. “We’re on the dark side now.” Although he won’t buy it from a dealer, Charlie doesn’t object if his friends remove framed photos from the walls to use as a surface for blow. The Penn administration doesn’t deny that students here do cocaine. “It’s one of those things that exists in pockets, so certain social circles might never ever see
it or come across it or be a part of it,” says Noelle Melartin, director of the Office of Alcohol and Other Drug Program Initiatives. “In other social circles, it’s very much present and very much part of a normal social life. So you know, it’s either very popular in your friend group or it’s not.” But cocaine use isn’t simply confined to certain social circles—it’s circles within these circles. Lying on her back on the green carpet of her off–campus house, Audrey*, a junior and regular coke user, explains that the drug’s negative image creates an us–or–them mindset, even among her closest friends. These common internal divisions within groups transform the coke culture into “this weird club where all the members don’t even know their own members.” Coming to Penn, Audrey never thought she'd do cocaine. Then, she tried
it in the bathroom of Fire & Ice one night her freshman year and realized over time that “it’s really not that big of a deal.” “I didn’t notice people were missing [at parties] until I was part of the crew that was missing,” she says. It just sobers her up and lets her stay out until 5am. Cocaine has polarizing effects at Penn. For people on the outside, the drug is as mysterious as it is invisible. Only after they’re exposed to the drug does its prevalence become clear.
*** David*, a junior and former drug dealer, used to store his cocaine in a safe box in his closet. One of his fraternity brothers sold drugs from the room he lives in now, so David inherited the business. He only planned to undertake it for the short– run. Plus, he doesn’t like cocaine—selling was just an easy way
for him to make money and meet new people without having to leave his desk. Last semester, David sold Molly, shrooms, weed, Adderall, Xanax and coke. “Coke use is as a whole is a lot more widespread than people would expect,” David says. While he had regular customers, he still receives random texts from people he knew freshman year looking to buy. “Hey, I heard you sell cocaine,” they’ll ask. “Can I maybe get a bit?” He estimates that twenty percent of students aren’t "freaked out at all” by coke use, while "a good 80 percent of the school isn’t normalized to it yet.” It’s like six degrees of separation. [Coke users] could literally be anybody on this campus The Office of Alcohol and Other Drug Program Initiatives chose not to share its survey data on the prevalence of cocaine use at Penn for this article. “I know a lot of people who—they’re just terrified of it. They think it’s terrible and the people who do it are bad people,” says Mara*, a freshman who started dealing cocaine at Penn when she “couldn’t find it.” “But in all honestly, it’s like six degrees of separation. [Coke users] could literally be anybody on this campus and you wouldn’t know.” Mara sells to the most unlikely customers—engineers, straight–A Wharton students and even TAs. “You think your TA’s knowledgeable, you think they’re really smart. They are,” Mara says. “But what they do to party or what they do to be such a great TA could be cocaine—and you don’t know that.” What makes cocaine unsuspecting isn’t just who does it, but where, when and why. “I haven’t found any drug that is as ef-
fective as coke to keep me up, keep me focused, keep me going for as long as I need it,” Mara says. After staying up late to work and powering through the next day jam–packed with classes, she might do a line to get through a 7pm meeting. “I know people who do lines of coke in Huntsman, just in the bathrooms,” she says. “And I know people who do coke in the carrels in Van Pelt.” While David used to deal from his room, Mara isn’t afraid to deal publicly. “I’ve given people cocaine on Locust,” she says. Once, Mara picked up a vitamin bottle packed with a baggie of cocaine from her dealer near Lyn’s food truck on Spruce Street.
by Casey Quackenbush & Jill Castellano
the dividing line F E AT U R E
ton junior from Wisconsin. “I think it’s because I come from lower income, and my friends tend to be [too] because the activities that [we] can do then line up better. I’m not big into fraternity or Greek life at all. It’s just never been my scene really.” The illegality of the drug, coupled with its high potential for addiction and biological consequences, makes it unattractive to many Penn students. “At Penn, we’re supposed to be some of the brightest people in this nation, and cocaine is such a bad idea on so many levels that I think it’s crazy that so many Penn students are using it,” says Tilyn. “I don’t think they’re bad people. I think that they’re probably good people making really bad decisions.” “How irresponsible are you in the effort to have fun?” asks Natalie*, a sophomore in a sorority who’s seen many friends abuse cocaine. The first time she watched one of her sorority sisters do coke, she started crying. “I think it’s almost pathetic to a certain extent—that you spend that much money, that you risk that much of your body, you risk your life, to have fun,” she says. Natalie isn’t paranoid. Cocaine is a stimulant that produces a high characterized by numbness and euphoria. The
“I didn’t notice people were missing [at parties] until I was part of the crew that was missing.”
Pure and Clean “Yeah,” she says, “‘casual’ is the way I’d put it.” Tilyn Bell, a junior and criminology major, guessed that half of one percent of Penn students use cocaine—a strikingly small estimate in the eyes of campus coke users. Negative stigmas and perceptions keep the drug hidden from students like Tilyn, a member of the Christian student group Cru, who says she’s never seen it at Penn. “I just don’t think I run in the right circles to see it,” says Tyler Roesler, a Whar-
biological toll of cocaine use on the body amounts to a laundry list of phrases so long it’s almost meaningless. Right after doing a line, users can experience a high heart rate, muscle spasms, convulsions, anxiety, hallucinations or respiratory failure. And if they continue to use over time: rare autoimmune diseases, reproductive damage, suicidal thoughts, sudden death, and so on. In the long run, cocaine use leads to neurological and genetic changes. A protein known as deltaFosB accumulates in the reward pathway known as the nucleus accumbens. These changes can modify gene expression and increase a user’s susceptibility to developing addictive behaviors. “The more and more you use the drug, the more and more the more of these gene alterations you can have,” says Dr. Hayley Nelson, Penn neuroscientist and Biological Basis of Behavior lecturer teaching Drugs, Brain and Mind. Humans exist because of reward pathway in the brain that reinforces behaviors necessary for survival, Nelson says. “These behaviors feel good so that you’re more likely to do them again,” she explains. “Drugs of abuse and addiction... hijack that system. They go and they basically trick you...into thinking now you need that substance for survival.”
*** “Homecoming, it fucking snows in this house,” Charlie says. Sprawled on his bedroom couch, he recounts the scene last fall when his fraternity’s alumni returned and dumped their share of cocaine on the table. Charlie had never seen so much coke in his life. He figures it was
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 17
F E AT U R E
worth close to $1,000. “I witnessed an alum do a line that was probably that long,” he says, spacing his fingers about seven inches apart. “He challenged himself. He was like, ‘lets make it eight.’” As the newest pledge class, the sophomores were astounded by the wild stories alumni shared of doing cocaine as students. “You want to be that guy who sells a $225 million company and flies in private jets. And how did he get there? Well, he did cocaine in college,” Charlie continues. “It’s like all the lifestyles that you want to have in the future start by doing cocaine in college.” The image of cocaine as a luxurious party drug is neither fabricated nor new. At the height of the cocaine epidemic in the 1980’s, cocaine was a drug for the upper class, says Penn criminology professor Dr. Emily Owens, who teaches a course called Drugs and Gangs. Today, the drug sells for about $80 a gram at Penn. A university survey of the class of 2014 found that only 13 percent of students’ parents earned under $50,000 a year. Thirty–eight percent of Penn students estimated their parents earned over $200,000 a year, a statistic similar to other Ivies. The cocaine culture here “might have a lot to do with the demographics of the Penn student body,” Owens suggests. “The upper class wealthier students see this as an elite party drug. It’s a white powder, you’re snorting it, it looks pure and clean.” Coke users at Penn don’t necessarily embrace these associations out in the open. At a late night party at Charlie’s fraternity house, a guest started doing coke on the pool table, setting off a number of the brothers in an angry rant. “I got so fucking pissed…why the fuck would you ever let some asshole do cocaine on our pool table?” he says.
“For anybody else in that room who doesn’t know who we are, that very well in their minds could’ve been us. And do we want that image as a house?” They don’t. They keep cocaine behind closed doors. When Jason*, a sophomore in a fraternity, wants to do a line at a party, he’ll exchange a knowing glance with some of his friends around the room. Within a matter of minutes, they’ll head upstairs and grab what they have—ideally a block, since that’s probably more pure than powder. Crush it to break it apart. Line it up. Rail it. Then they’ll head back downstairs and act like it didn’t happen. “You totally know who’s ‘in’ and who’s not,” Jason says. “It’s a very uncomfortable feeling to be approached by someone who’s loud and usually drunk and who’s like, ‘Hey, do you have [blow]?’…You know that they’re not in it because they enjoy the experience and they enjoy the company that comes with the ‘club.’ They’re in it because they think it’s cool.” In Jason’s experience, cocaine’s association with money increases its allure. A hundred dollars can buy enough cocaine for three to four people, and for Penn students, that’s not a whole lot of money for recreational use, he says. “If there’s one cardinal sin in America, it’s being poor,” he contends. “People hate to admit that they are not at a certain social station. I think that for a lot of people, doing cocaine confirms that they are above something.” Selling cocaine afforded David the life that most people buying cocaine have. He makes enough money working on campus to feed himself, “but selling the drugs just gave me enough money to blend in with the people who actually had the money,” he says. “We’d go out and blow money, and [I’d] pretend I could blow money with people who could actually blow money.” For David, the desire to keep up is just a product of Penn’s social atmo-
“Homecoming, it fucking snows in this house.”
1 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
F E AT U R E
sphere built upon extravagant displays of wealth. Bill Alexander, director of Penn’s Counseling and Psychological Services, can attest to this. He identifies students’ desires to keep up with their peers—even when it comes to illegal drugs—as common. “It’s hard to fit into a fast–moving cocaine crowd—they feel like they can’t keep up without spending money they don’t have,” he explains. “If you’re gonna be accepted into those crowds, you have to move fast.” But not all users are just faces in this fast–moving crowd. Like stepping out of a club to bum a cigarette, cocaine offers a level of intimacy beneath its party drug image. “It’s weird, because some of the most personal experiences of trust occur when you’re doing something you can’t tell anyone else about,” Jason says. “It’s like these bonds between people on campus who do it—this trust that ‘I’m
Russian Roulette not gonna rat on you and you’re not gonna rat on me.’” On Saint Patrick’s Day weekend, Mara started partying at 9:30am. By 11:30am, she and her friend decided they needed some coke as a pick–me– up. That lasted them another three hours until they were looking for another bump. By the end of the night, she had done at least four lines—a lot to an “unseasoned” user, but reasonable for someone like Mara, who says she “knows her physical limits.” Students who use cocaine view the consequences as minimal, and many of their justifications fall back on a simple concept: control. Mara knows when she needs a break. Long after her last bump, she’ll still have too much energy, feel anxious and can’t do anything to stop it. Then, it’s just a matter of removing herself. “Everyone's been at that point even if they haven’t said it out loud: ‘Oh, I’ve done too much,’” Jason says. “And you just need to remove yourself from the party. Go take a walk. The worst thing you can do is be around people who want to do it more. You just need to cool off. You’ll be fine.” Students who use exercise control in
different ways. Most who look forward to doing three or four lines over any given weekend won’t use drugs harder than cocaine. Period. “I definitely have a line drawn in the sand that I’m never going to cross, and if I ever do, I’m going to need to take some kind of action,” Mara says. “I’d never do heroin. I would never do meth. I would never do crack.” She starts counting on her hands as Saxbys music blasts in the background. She’ll do painkillers—“sure, why not”— there’s the first finger. Adderall, yeah, that’s finger two. Cocaine, yes. Pot, yep, and Molly, yep. Only five drugs, she insists. “They’re pretty controlled substances, and if you are knowledgeable about how they work and how to use them… you can pretty much have a controlled high every time you take them,” she says. “But I would just never really trust street drugs.” The sentiment is widespread. Cocaine is “the last stop on the train of drugs and experiences that are acceptable within Penn,” Jason says. “I think it’s also the last thing that’s accepted by pop culture.” Their mechanisms of control—understanding how the drug affects the body and knowing when to stop—veil the consequences of cocaine use for students. The refrain among cocaine users at Penn—“I know when to stop”— raises eyebrows of those who don’t partake. “I think a lot of people don’t want to believe cocaine’s effects might be out of their hands, especially because Penn students are really intelligent and have the capability of understanding the biology,” says Tiffany Young, a college junior and Penn cheerleader raised in New Mexico. “It’s not something you can control just by understanding.”
*** Nicole*, now a junior, went to rehab for the second time the summer after her sophomore year—on her own accord and dime. Her first time came in high school, when she went solely for cocaine use. During her second visit, her treatment focused on alcohol, but drinking and doing coke go hand–in–hand for Ni-
cole. She knows she drinks “exponentially more because of drugs.” Twice her freshman year, she was rushed to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania by MERT. As much as Nicole hoped to separate herself from cocaine when she came to Penn, not using made her feel left out. “If you don’t get involved in that scene, you’ll literally be alone. I’ve been to formals where literally everyone’s upstairs, and if you’re not in it, you’re sitting by yourself, drinking,” she says. “I was just like, ‘Well, I’ve already done this, it’s not a big deal.’ And I thought I could keep a good hold on it because I knew [my] tipping point.” But she relapsed. Returning to rehab helped Nicole gain clarity after the “dark time” of coke use during her sophomore spring, she says. After a hard withdrawal, she went through a “recovery and forgiveness period.” She’d sacrificed her friends for drugs and alcohol, so she wrote them letters, apologizing and asking for forgiveness for her harmful behavior. She got the life pause and introspection she needed. But she hasn’t entirely cut herself off from using, either. When one of Nicole’s good friends visited Penn, the pair did a “celebratory” line together. “I’ve done it once or twice this semester, and maybe twice last semester,” she swears. “One line will not impact my body. I have too much of a drug tolerance, so it’s not even going to send me down to want to do more.” “I think a lot of people don’t want to believe cocaine’s effects might be out of their hands, The chance of a Penn student facing prison time, getting expelled or ending up in rehab might be small, but the consequences are all possible for students using cocaine—regardless of whether or not they recognize them as risks. Students found by Penn possessing or selling cocaine can face consequences ranging from a warning to expulsion. Penn may turn them over to law enforcement agencies or notify their parents. Under Pennsylvania law, possessing
“You’re playing Russian roulette with your Ivy League education.”
cocaine is a misdemeanor punishable by a year in prison and/or a $5,000 fine. Selling cocaine is a felony that can be met with 15 years in prison and/ or a $250,000 fine. Selling to a minor doubles the penalty. “The University does not take on a parental role in relation to its students but rather assumes that students are young adults who can make their own decisions and take basic responsibility for their own lives,” the University Alcohol and Drug Policy states. “I don’t think the school would ever try to shut down the ‘safe’ drug operations here,” says David. “If that would happen, then kids would still be buying them, just from much less safe places. Penn’s cops’ roles aren’t to eliminate the drug dealing from our school—they’re to make sure that kids are buying from the right places.” Students confine and control cocaine use within certain social circles in an attempt to mitigate its potential consequences. In their eyes, Penn does play a paternal role in keeping them safe. Penn’s medical amnesty policy, which protects students from disciplinary action if they call Penn to ask for help with substance use emergencies, extends to cocaine and all other hard drugs. “We want people to feel that they can and should do the right thing and not make that call because they’re afraid of getting into trouble,” Noelle Melartin at Penn’s alcohol and drug office says. “Because it is that call that could actually save a person’s life.” Penn students might perceive the University’s cocaine policy as lax, but Penn administrators maintain a strong view: cocaine on campus is a problem. “We certainly don’t want drug dealers on campus. If their activities are becoming bigger and bigger, and they build a kingdom, they will face the scrutiny of outside law enforcement as well,” Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush says. A former Philadelphia narcotics officer, Rush has seen the effects of cocaine use and dealing first–hand: emotional breakdowns, overdosing, prison. She explains that Penn Police almost never see cocaine, but was quick to condemn the drug especially among young col-
lege students. “You’re playing Russian roulette with your Ivy League education,” Rush says.
***
Not all college kids think they’re invincible. Just because the dividing line between users and non–users has two sides doesn’t mean crossing it is a permanent choice. “I think there’s going to be a certain point where I just feel like, look, this can’t happen anymore. I can’t do any more coke,” Mara says. “I don’t want to be a vegetable or have to be on a respirator or die.” Many students will stop, but cocaine’s established presence at Penn will guarantee others replace them. Whether addicted to the image or the drug, it’s easy for someone to get caught in cocaine’s self–perpetuating cycle. Jason caught himself. He decided to take a break this semester. No more drugs, no more alcohol. “I just don’t need to have the type of social experiences that I used to. I have a girlfriend now. I enjoy spending time with her. I have all these awesome books that I like to read,” he says. “I feel like I’ve enjoyed a lot more stuff without it.” It’s strange for him to think about how different things are without spending $600 a month on cocaine, without quietly sneaking off at a downtown and without walking off the jitters at four in the morning. Stepping back afforded him the luxury of a normal life again. “There’s something uniquely satisfying about being tired at the end of the day and going to bed,” Jason says. “That’s enough for me.”
*Names have been changed to protect students' identities. Jill Castellano is a junior from Westchester, New York majoring in criminology and psychology. She is the Managing Editor and Editor–in–Chief of the Daily Pennsylvanian. Casey Quackenbush is a sophomore from Greenwich, Connecticut majoring in English with a concentration in creative writing. She is the Ego editor of 34th Street Magazine.
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9
34TH STREET
ORDER ONLINE
EAT IN, TAKE OUT, & FAST DELIVERY
Use coupon code PENN10 to receive 10% off your first online order!
HAND-TOSSED,STONE FIRED PIZZAS ARE JUST THE BEGINNING.
125 S 40th Street
Thanks for voting us “Best Campus Addition”! 2 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
(at Walnut, across from Fresh Grocer)
(267) 292-2255 SUN-THURS 11AM - 10PM FRI & SAT 11AM - 3AM
FOOD & DRINK
R U O Y B A GR PASSPORT AND MY HAN D FOOD & DRINK TAKES YOU ON A JOURNEY
s sm smo smok smoke smokes smoke smok smo sm s sm smo smok smoke smokes 6:30pm.
NEXT PAGE
A UNIVERSITY CITY FAVORITE Best Happy Hour $6 house wines, sangria, well drinks and discounted draft beer with our specially priced Happy Hour Menu. Mon Fri from 4 - 7 PM
FarM FresH BruncH Every Saturday and Sunday from 10 AM – 2:30 PM with $4 Bloody Marys, Mimosas, Greyhounds and Sangria
3420 sansom st, philadelphia | 215-386-9224 | whitedog.com T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 1
FOOD & DRINK
a
Taste your summer city by storm Food to make this your MOST AWESO
ME summer yet. E TH
We've decided to ignore the fact Reading Days are coming up and skip the whole "finals" thing. Instead, we're getting excited for summer. #Streeeats brings you an around–the–world guide for all your gastronomical adventures. Whether you’re interning close to campus, indulging in exotic travel shenanigans or chillaxing on the sands of Cali, we've got you covered.
CO M M O D O R
E
NYC CUZ it's the time of year when penn relocated to the City. #BBar
Head to the Commodore (366 Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11211), where you can get all the ale and pub food you could need.
le
de ven lais i se e r 125 South 40th Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 (215) 921-9580 store
U
N PO O L O I N Get your boss to take you to Le Relais de Venise L’Entrecote (590 Lexington Ave, New York, NY 10022). The ~smancy~ restaurant has the tastiest French steak frites around.
Union Pool, (484 Union Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11211) has live music and a taco truck in the backyard.
www.jakessandwichboard.com 2 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
D RA M
Head to Dram (177 S 4th St, Brooklyn, NY 11211), which is known for its extra funky cocktails.
t
FOOD & DRINK
BE L
PORTO
LA
Sip. Study. Repeat. Study for finals and enjoy exotic coffee blends at Pétrus Ky Café.
R R I STO A N T E
P
TO K
I UNDERGROU
ERIA
For dining with extravagant Englishmen: Head to La Petite Maison (54 Brook’s Mews, London W1K 4EG), a neat little French place in the heart of Mayfair Jerusalem (because English food sucks, right?).
LO
These places are perfect for binging after a long day on Capitol Hill. Better yet, seduce a po litician and get them to take you.
IZZ
You might be one of the few lucky Quakers to traipse through London's streets in the city's few days of sunshine each year.
E MAIS ON
D.C
Hit up the Atlas Room (1015 H St NE, Washington, DC 20002), known for it’s awesomely “eclectic” menu that includes Indian chickpea fritters and, more importantly, unreal cocktails.
LONDON
TIT PE
s atla room e h
If you’re in the mood for Italian, visit Portobello Ristorante Pizzeria (7 Ladbroke Road, London W11 3PA), which serves the best meter–long (adjust to using the metric system) authentic Neapolitan pizza around. And the joint's a five minute walk from Penn’s London house.
ND
Toki Underground (1234 H St NE, Washington, DC 20002) is the cozy little place you need to go to satisfy your noodle cravings—its got some of the best dumplings around.
Happy Hour Monday through Friday, 5pm-7pm Enjoy it on our outdoor patio!
Kitchen open everyday, 11am-1am Bring your appetite! Happy Hour: $5 Appetizers $1 off all Beer, Wine, and Cocktails
3900 Chestnut Street | 267.969.6196
215.386.4600 • NewDeckTavern.com • 3408 Sansom St T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 3
ARTS
WHAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT THIS SECOND AS YOU ARE READING THIS TITLE: Great Service!
28 beers on tap
Philly’s Best Wings!
150 Bottled Beers. A favorite of Penn students for decades! 1116 Walnut Street | 215.627.7676 | www.moriartyspub.com
ent?
g ev n i m o c p u n r for a
e
raph g o t o h p a ng for
Looki
100 Years of Solitude Marathon Reading at the Kelly Writers House
As you read this sentence, there are a group of dedicated students and faculty somewhere in the middle of attempting to read the mesmerizing, 417–page novel 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez from 9am to 11pm today at the Kelly Writers House. Each person reads the book aloud for 10 minutes at a time, but can stay for much longer than that. At any time today, you can come in to the Kelly Writers House and be a part of making this reading feel less like one hundred years of solitude. Just like in a marathon, it’s going to be a long race. But just like a marathon, you won’t be alone racing to the finish line—everyone around you has the exact same goal in mind. By the time you read this, they may be just flipping to page 1 and reading about Colonel Aureliano Buendía facing the firing squad, or they could be halfway through the book (which should happen around 4pm). Whatever time it is—assuming you’re reading this on Thursday—the reading marathon is ongoing, and you can start the marathon right now. JUSTIN SHEEN
Now Leasing! Leasing! Now Now Leasing!
FlexibleLeasing Leasing••Single Singleand andDouble DoubleRooms Rooms•• Flexible Flexible Leasing •• Single and Double Rooms • Individual Individual Leases All Amenities and Utilities Included Individual Leases • All Amenities and Utilities Included Leases • All Amenities and Utilities Included
Call Call
Call
215.662.0802 215.662.0802 215.662.0802 Email Email
Need a
?
photo n i d e k n i l new
thedp.com/shots
red. e v o c u o y we’ve got
Shots is a directory of freelance photographers that aims to introduce members of the Penn community to current or past photographers of the Daily Pennsylvanian. We want to make it simple for you to match your photography needs with experienced Photograpers.
2 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
Email AxisLeasing@AltmanCo.com AxisLeasing@AltmanCo.com AxisLeasing@AltmanCo.com
Stopinin Stop
20South South 36th Street Stop in Street 20 36th 20 South 36th Street
Today learnfor how tomake make Don’ttotosettle less than Today learn how to TheAxis Axis your home away The your home away THE BEST! fromhome! home! from
ARTS
Photos by: Samantha Sharon
CURING CURATION
Exploring the act of curation for a digital age We're all curators, aren’t we? Through filters, hashtags and a few clicks of buttons, websites and apps, such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter allow us to ‘curate’ our news, social feed and brand–image. When we move house we ‘curate’ our room furnishings and bookshelves. At parties, the playlists are ‘curated’ to create a ‘curated’ mood. So, is curating today just a synonym for picking and choosing? Has the term been appropriate for the sake of pretension? As a student curator at the ICA through the Spiegel–Wilks Seminar for Contemporary Art, I learned that being a curator is far, far more than simply organizing and overseeing, despite what the dictionary definition of the job says. For the past two semesters my class has been working to curate a group show, entitled Do/ Tell, on display in the Project Space and Ramp Space at the Institute of Contemporary Art from April 22nd to August 16th. The exhibition explores how acts of storytelling construct ideas of home, family and identity through the works of Erin Bernard, Heather Hart, Rachelle Mozman and Akosua Adoma Owusu. Using our research on ICA’s 1994 exhibition Carrie Mae Weems as a jumping off point, we conversed with art professionals, travelled to New Orleans, proposed an exhibition and brought it to fruition—which involved meeting with the artists, producing a publication, organizing a programming series, procuring funding, marketing and more. Beyond the logistics of ensuring our choice of artists and artworks were represented, we worked to contextualize the exhibition—to ensure it's meaningful and necessary for our audience and community. Needless to say, being a student curator required significantly more effort and brainpower than aggregating your Pinterest or Tumblr feeds. Regardless, if you want to visit the exhibition and use #DoTell on your ‘curated’ posts, we won’t object.
S
EC ON
EN T
THE
ER
CIARA STEIN
C E L I DM E
THR IFT STOR
Clothing, appliances, books, furniture, household items, and more! Monday–Saturday 10AM–8PM
214 South 45th Street (Between Locust & Walnut) 215.662.1663
To donate, call 215.662.1663
www.TheSecondMileCenter.com T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 5
ARTS
For the Lady Lobsters: 1) Halter Tops
Your fun-hating friends have told you that halter tops are "so 1999," but we're here to tell you that your friends are wrong. Whip out your Kat Stratford 10 Things I Hate About You–esque Halloween costume and rock that burn. The contrast of the lines of the halter tie with your burn lines will have all the boys knocking. P
hoto:
You flang and forgot your sunblock over Fling. We get it. Even the SPF–impaired can rock these ~trendy~ looks.
tshirt
mall.
com
2) Pink Eye Shadow
Is your fling tank sunburn fading? Don't worry! Pink eye shadow is the perfect thing to make it pop even after your burn loses its bright red luster. We know your mom told you to put that makeup away because it wasn't "classy enough for a young lady like you" when you tried to wear it in seventh grade, but pink eye shadow is the key to making your fling tank sunburn look hot.
Photo: Giorgio Armani
For the Burnt Bros:
1) Unbuttoned Button Downs
Throw on that short–sleeved button down you've been dying to wear since the weather turned nice, and go ahead and unbutton the top three or first buttons. By doing this, you'll show off just enough of the burn to get the people goin'.
Photo :
gap.c
om
2) Puka Shell Necklace
t Pho
com
21.
ue o: r
What's a bro tank sunburn without a puka shell necklace to show that you're a true bro? We know you kept it ever since you and your camp bestie made them together the summer after 6th grade. Whip it out, throw it on and bro out.
FOR EVERYONE: FREE THE NIPPLE
Shirts are so passé, time for everyone to free the nipple. Leave your shirts at home. It's Pho to: gonna be 70 degrees all week, and free the nip you could even out that tank burn with le.c om a full torso burn. The only thing hotter than a fling tank burn. (Ed. note: Street is not responsible for any violations of Philadelphia's decency laws.)
CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS 2 6 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
34TH STREET
the perfect
SUBLETTER one who doesn’t wash frisbees in the dishwasher one who doesn’t play drums in a screamo band one who doesn’t have a weird smelly cat one who doesn’t have loud sex at 2am one who doesn’t skip out on rent
only on pennlets.com one that Doesn’t look like a closet one that doesn’t smell like a dumpster one that doesn’t cost as much as PENN tuition One that doesn’t have loud fratstar neighbors one that doesn’t have gross roaches everywhere
the perfect
SUBLET
powered by
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 7
SHOUTOUTS
right now who won't stop submitting shoutouts: Pay attention. I saw that C+ you got on the last midterm. To the Phi Delt Bro with the "Reagan Bush 84" sticker on your computer: Oh god, how many of you are going to think this is about you?
To the Phi Psi senior who fucked me on a beanbag chair in his otherwise empty basemwent on Valentine's Day: You're not the nice Jewish boy I thought you were. To APES: I made you an account on ChristianMingle.
To the Theos senior with the fugly manbun: Being "high and tight" does not make you "chic or cool." To every frat on campus that doesn't let black people in: We know it's not our ratio. It's our melanin. (Ed. note: Social commentary game strong.)
To every boy I've had sex with: When you all watch my Snap story, it's exciting. To the self–proclaimed SWUGs: Like half of you have boyfriends and great jobs lined up. To the Dreamboat in One in Four: Let’s talk about healthy relationships and then make one. To SAE: I want to say that I'm sorry for peeing in a beer bottle and throwing it at your house, but I'm not.
To the hot guy in the Onda sweatshirt in my Comm class: I kept getting confused about your hair growing and shrinking so fast, and then I realized you are a triplet. To the Theta senior that gave the entire senior/sophomore class of Theos mono: I don't think a neck brace can cure that.
2 8 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
Shoutout to the rocks that looked like birds when I was on acid! To the boy who joined AEPi to be more "socially relevant": Uhh... To the friendly Huntsman late night security guard: You're exactly like my dad except not fat, not Asian and able to stay awake past 8pm. Basically, I love you. To my stomach: Is there a baby growing inside of you??? I'm too scared to take a pregnancy test so hoping you can just tell me via this Shoutout. To the 26–year–old I've been texting: You're on the young side for my daddy complex, but you'll do. To the guy who sits front and center in a 200 person
To the boys who live in Domus that my roommates and I lecture hall: Do you fucked: It's still embarknow that everyone can rassing that you cabbed see when you spend to 42nd because you ALL CLASS stalking pic- were scared. tures of Asian girls who you are not even FaceTo the junior book friends with? in Beta with To United by Blue: Can we please just have a few more fucking chairs. Penn Greek Life: Way to all get the exact same Kygo Fling tank. Replacing Kygo with your Greek letters was soooo creative. To whoever reads these Shoutouts: Hey, what's up? Hope your day is swell! To CityStep: we get it, you love you.
the tattoos: Bro, wolves are so frat.
To people who sound like douchebags: It's pronounced fiii–nance not fuhnonce. To the guy buying coke at Bank of America: Do you know that's probably the most surveillance–heavy area on campus?
To the Lena Dunham ringer in my creative To the person that writing class: I both threw a lit cigarette hate you and want to foldown the radian low you on Twitter. trash chute: Fuck you for cock blocking. To OAX: Retroactively criticizing Panhel for To the Aphi girl in reinforcing the patriarfront of me in Econ
SHOUTOUTS
chy hasn't convinced anyone that you don't just want to drink with less rules.
wealth and social status when it's too warm to wear your Canada Goose jacket outside?
To my big: I don't actually love you as much as I claim to on Facebook. Sorry.
To the ambulance driver who used his siren to honk at me in my fling tank and skirt: Just no.
To the orthodox Jews in Rodin: You the real MVPs for not using the washing machines on Friday nights or Saturdays.
To the workers of Pizza Hut and Dunkin' Donuts: Thank you for getting me.
To the junior in Theta that looks like Squidward: How many pictures will you upload before you smile in one of them? To the Oz senior that shat himself at a Theos party two years ago and wiped his ass with a brother's cashmere sweater: This is your much overdue call out. To Street: The Shoutouts aren't witty. They perpetuate the most toxic aspects of our campus culture. Please stop.
To the girl shopping in lecture: That dress is FUGLY. C'mon you can do better. Shoutout to Kygo for hitting the play button. To the people who bought fling pool party tickets for over $100: No one remembers you being there anyway. To the Uber driver with an in–house (in–car?) karaoke and disco lights: You, sir, are doing life right.
To my parents: All of the "extra fraternity dues" you pay for is cocaine, not "extra fraternity dues" To my roommate: You know I have a guest over. Don't walk into the living room, in only your boxers, inexplicably holding your pants in hand and make small talk. Thrice. To every rich kid at Penn: How are you gonna display your
To the M and W seniors: I like wig butts, and I cannot lie. To the people in fling tanks that started with "if you're reading this": If you're reading this you its too late to return those tanks. To Netflix: It's sad that you were all I could think of when I tried to come up with who deserved a shoutout. #doihavefriends #orjustgilmoregirls To the Whartonite who fingered me on a balcony but didn't accept my friend request: You need to reconsider your conceptions of privacy.
To literally every boy I've hooked up with: You're not allowed to hit me up months after I've gotten over you.
To the manicurist who told me I "Could be a hand model": That's more encouragement than I've ever received from my own mother.
To the girl who keeps stealing bricks from locust: Chill the fuck out, I keep tripping.
To the international kid who pointed at a pickle during brunch and asked "what's that": How
have you managed to get this far?
we were listening to a computer.
To my roommate: We've identified the smell, and it's you.
To the guy who just wanted to see my butt: Are you happy you got to see my butt?
To Castle: We get it, you're European. Stop turning your parties into a premature lung cancer competition. To the OFSL people who punished SK: Thanks for maintaining that nice girls finish last. To the cleaning lady: Please stop rearranging my sorority letters to spell STD. To the Smokes' bouncer who said, "Sorry we don't accept fake IDs here": You accepted my fake orgasm the other night so... To the girl who drunk dyed her hair: Don't drink and dye. P.S. You're still hot. To the guy who tried to stick his toe in my vagina while I was blowing him: How many girls have you tried that with? To Cosi: You can't just call a medium a grande like that. To Kesha: At least David Guetta was up front about the fact that
To the absurd number of guys on Tinder with pictures of puppies: Stop. We know what you're doing. Just stop.
To my grandmother's jeweler's sister's daughter's best friend: My grandma told me to meet you when I came to Penn, so wanna get lunch some time? To my boobs: Where r u? Still waiting... To the freshmen in my Spanish class: It's not your fault, but if I hear another thing about which dining hall is best, I will murder all of you. To premeds: Please stop acting like you're smarter than us. We CHOSE not to be doctors. Sincerely, Nursing students. To Saladworks: Sorry not sorry, Love Sweetgreen.
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 2 9
SHOUTOUTS
To the sophomore who I saw doing webcam porn: Damn dude. Leave some dick for the rest of us. To the handicapped button: Thank you for being the first and only boy to ever hold the door for me at Penn. To the brown-eyed WilCafe barista: You're much shorter than me but honestly that's why I think it would work. To Playboy: I've seen more people snort stuff in Huntsman than at parties—please consider that in your party school rankings next year.
To St. A's: It's not cool, it's not "rock-and-roll", it's not "eighties"—it's a drug problem for which your white, rich, privileged A'sses have never faced legal or educational consequences. door: If you ever do an impromptu karaoke version of Ring of Fire again, I will set a ring of fire on your doorstep. To the kid who sends me blank space text messages as a booty call:
To the MBA's who crowd Huntsman's halls: I understand To my mom: The you're on a break from cashier at Honest Tom's life but I need to get to knows my name, so... class so please move YES I KNOW HOW TO your fucking ass. FLIRT. To those who think To the guy who it's socially acceptkept asking me to able to skip everysay "Ich spreche one waiting at Magkein Deutsch" duric Carpet because ing sex: I really don't you're "just getting speak German. And a cookie": BITCH, I clearly neither do you. WON'T CUT THE LINE, BUT I WILL CUT YOU. To the guy who started randomly To Kappa Sig: At licking and biting least you stopped playmy shoulder at that ing cornhole. party: It wasn't the brownie that was the To the girl who problem, it was you. fucked my boyfriend and then interviewed To the grad stume for a job: Is that dents who live next why I got it? 3 0 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5
To the football A's guy with the hair of Justin Beiber and the face of Dumbledore: Does a 3some with another guy make you gay or just part of Theos? To the guys next door: We can see you fucking all the time and it's boring. To the boy who thought it was okay to privately Venmo me a booty call: I'm worth more than 2 cents. To my ex: I hope you have an easier time finding your next girlfriend than you did finding my clitoris. To the guy who ignores me whenever he sees me on Locust: You weren't so quiet when I was sucking your dick last weekend. To Phi Delt: In your defense, I think the situation blew up a little bit more than it needed to... To my ex: Asking to be friends after breaking up is like...kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go. To Mask & Wig: Feathers don't make any of you funnier or look less average.
To the (graduating) needledick: I'm still going to shout you out every semester after you leave. To my long distance girlfriend: Why did you decide to live in Hill? To my Marketing 101 TA: I'm an undeveloped market. Penetrate me? To Bon Appetit: You somehow give every undesirable vegetable an unwanted twist that no one really asked for. To The Dude Who Emailed Me To Get His Boxers Back: Does this mean you looked me up on Penn Directory? To Carriage: Was your chalking not straight on purpose?
the TA of any mistakes within 7 days?" To the "junior" I hooked up with at a TEP party: If your immediate friend request didn't reveal that you were actually a freshman, your MGMT 100 pictures certainly did. To every hot senior I've been meaning to hu with: Don't be alarmed by a cheeky 2am text in the next 2 weeks. To the orthodox ape: your interest in my converted grandmother is a little creepy. To the CIS professors: every time you chuckle when announcing the exam averages I smile knowing you were bullied in high school. To the guy who said
To AXO: We know how you feel. –Skulls To the guy who accidentally came inside of me and then was freaked out that the Plan B wouldn't work: Maybe you should rethink your pre-med career track. To the TA that wrote my 79% blue book grade down as a 97% on Canvas last week: Does this count as "notifying
I look like the kind of girl who likes to be choked: you're not wrong, but it was an aggressive way to introduce yourself. Shoutout to Joey who works the weekend night shift at Wawa for being the only guy I count on every Friday. To Damien who shits in pools: Why? Way to ruin the pool party.
SHOUTOUTS
All shoutouts are created equal, but some are more equal than others. Here are the worst of the worst.
Just nonsense: To oz: you rep goons in the land of the yarmulke. Ty To Swamp Thing: sorry about your teenie weenie To poop: poop. To freaky deaky: leaky peaky. klmknmkmkmkmkmkmkm
Probably never read shoutouts: Hey! I had really lackluster sex with you! Sorry I snored really loudly afterwards. Fuck the skinny bitches in the quad
Egregious use of names: Nicole, Thanks for being the best roomie ever <3 Breeze Dear Evan Chambers, Who cares about your lonely soul? I strive towards a larger a goal. Your little life doesn't count at all. Go fall in a well. Cheers, Rebecca Logan (Ed. note: This is also about TV show and is there-
Not relevant: To SPEC, how are your flash sales and sleeping with your members alike? They both only last 20 seconds. Shout out to the $ in Kesha's name: miss you. Everyone hates you: (Ed. note: The suspense is killing us!!!) To my smoking hot girlfriend who sometimes questions whether her boobs have really gotten bigger. We all know they haven't but they still look great. What has gotten bigger is my love for you. You're truly the love of my lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;let's have sex and watch AHS later.
Me problems: To me: Do you homework To me: Keep doin you. You're doin great. To myself: Thank you for making the kinds of smart choices during your freshman year that allowed you to learn more than you ever thought you could about life, love, and fate without having any regrets. As unrecognizable as you are from the bright-eyed girl who set foot on campus in August, you have given yourself the gift of remaining wholly unchanged where it truly counts.
fore not real life.) To Ina Garten: you da real MVP To the Senior Ginger in Mask & Wig: I would love a cup of Joe anytime. To Connor, Stop touching my elbow. To Hunter Mcnabb, we have your lube
Stop telling us how to do our jobs: To 34st staff: Can I put that I write for you on my resume now? Shout out to mark for making me do shoutouts Dear 34th Street, You don't know me. Sincerely, Credible journalism To 34st, thank you for making me seem socially relevant by publishing my shoutout. Author's note: I'm not otherwise To Matt Mantica: I am interested in being your girlfriend. (Ed. note: P sure he's off the market and busy running shit at the DP.) To Shoutouts: You're basically just the mean version of Yik Yak. To Will.i.am: did Street pay you to record that scream and shout song for shoutouts publicity?
T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 3 1
SHOUTOUTS: B AC K PAG E
To the kid who sends me blank space text messages as a booty call:
To the girl who keeps stealing bricks from Locust: Chill the fuck out, I keep tripping.
To my Marketing 101 TA: I'm an undeveloped market. Penetrate me?
To the hot guy in the Onda sweatshirt in my comm class: I kept getting confused about your hair growing and shrinking so fast, and then I realized you are a triplet. 3 2 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E T H U R S D AY, A P R I L 2 3 , 2 01 5