BAIL MONEY Written by Benard McKinley 2/25/20
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BAIL MONEY
CHARACTERS: SHAWN ANDRE THEATER EMPLOYEE THEATER BOSS POLICE OFFICER ONE POLICE OFFICER TWO
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SCENE ONE. (At rise: It is the afternoon on Chicago’s Westside. Shawn and Andre are friends standing in front of the movie theater.) SHAWN Did you bring the tickets? ANDRE I couldn’t find what I did with them. SHAWN Why would you be so careless? ANDRE I wasn’t careless. SHAWN You’re right, you was super careless. ANDRE Whatever! SHAWN So what are we gonna do now? ANDRE We’ll figure it out. SHAWN Every time I trust you with something we always get put in situations like this. ANDRE How come you complain about everything? SHAWN How is this complaining?
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ANDRE I’ve known you most of your life and all you do is complain. SHAWN Whatever! ANDRE I know because I’m right. SHAWN How are we gonna get in now? ANDRE I don’t know. SHAWN How the hell you don’t know? (Andre gives him a look.) ANDRE You need a lunch break, you hungry? SHAWN You got jokes, huh? ANDRE I’m just saying. SHAWN That’s the problem – all you do is talk. ANDRE And? SHAWN You’re not a responsible person. ANDRE Let you tell it! SHAWN Your actions speak louder than words. ANDRE Why do you insist on arguing, when we could be trying to find a solution?
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SHAWN The more I mess with you the dumber I get. ANDRE Yeah-yeah. SHAWN We have to get into this movie. ANDRE We can just buy another pair of tickets. SHAWN They’re sold out. ANDRE Well, I think we can go about it another way and still get in. SHAWN What bright ideas you have now? ANDRE Well, let me think. SHAWN Oh, here we go again with this “let me think” crap! ANDRE Hold fast I’m channeling good ideas! SHAWN Whatever fool! ANDRE I think we can get in through the back. SHAWN Why would you think of something like that? ANDRE Because nobody back there, and it should be a easy way in. SHAWN What if we get caught? ANDRE Then I hope you have bail money.
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SHAWN Bail money?! ANDRE Well, I’m not gonna bail you out with my money, with that type of attitude you have. SHAWN I have to learn to choose better friends. ANDRE I’m your only friend. SHAWN That’s the point! (Pause.) ANDRE Well, what’s your plan Mr. Spectacular? SHAWN To dump you as a friend as soon as I can find a better one. ANDRE You know you love me. SHAWN What love got to do with being smart! ANDRE Come on, we gonna be late; what’s your plan? (Shawn doesn’t answer. He doesn’t have a plan.) Again, I hope you have your bail money. SHAWN Something wrong with you. ANDRE It might be, but I won’t be spending my money on your bond. SHAWN I do not plan on doing your dumb ass plan anyway. ANDRE You say that now.
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I’m gonna say it later too! ANDRE We will see. (Shawn looks at the people streaming into the theatre. He gives in.) SHAWN Let’s go before it get late. ANDRE Don’t rush me. SHAWN You play too much! ANDRE You stress too much! SHAWN You are my stress! (They start offstage, heading around to the back door. Shawn mutters to himself.) Why do I continue to hang with you? ANDRE I need to ask myself that question, Mr. Debby Downer. END OF SCENE ONE SCENE TWO. (Shawn and Andre stand at the back door to the theater.) SHAWN C’mon and see if the door opens. ANDRE I think you need to clean your shoes, you are starting to smell like you stepped in dog shit, maybe a baby Shih Tzu. SHAWN Maybe it’s your upper lip.
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Whatever! SHAWN See if the door open up. ANDRE I’m checking... SHAWN How do I get myself in these situations with you?! ANDRE I almost have it – be quiet! SHAWN You got your nerve telling me to be quiet. ANDRE I got it! (The theater door opens up.) Let’s go, it’s clear, hope you have your bail money just in case. SCENE THREE. (Shawn and Andre are sitting in the movie theater waiting for the movie to come on as the theater lights dim.) ANDRE If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten in. SHAWN If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve been able to get in the right way. ANDRE It’s extra dark in here. SHAWN How about some extra shut up.
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Whatever! SHAWN Alright, shut up before you get us kicked out! ANDRE When have I ever been quiet the whole time, never! SHAWN Alright, it’s on. ANDRE I think it’s gonna be a good one. SHAWN Shh! ANDRE I don’t like your attitude. You smell that? (Shawn looks at Andre in anger.) (Theater employee walks up to Shawn and Andre and flashes his flashlight on them.) THEATER EMPLOYEE Can you two please come with me? SHAWN What? ANDRE Huh? THEATER EMPLOYEE I was ordered to come and get you two and bring you to my boss’s office. SHAWN For what? THEATER EMPLOYEE We have you two sneaking into the theater on camera.
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ANDRE That’s not us. We would not dare do something like that. We are... SHAWN Shut up Andre! ANDRE ...Upstanding citizens. THEATER EMPLOYEE We’ve already called the police, sir, so can you please not make a scene and come with me. SHAWN It has to be some kind of mistake. ANDRE Yeah-yeah it has to be some kind of mistake. THEATER EMPLOYEE Sir, we have you two on camera, and it smells like dog shit by that door, and I’m smelling it still right now. SHAWN What? ANDRE See Shawn I told your ass you smell like a damn baby Shih Tzu. SHAWN Sir, see we had tickets, but this fool lost them on our way here. ANDRE I can’t believe you just rat me out. They didn’t even offer you a super-size Coca-Cola before you spilled the beans. THEATER EMPLOYEE I understand, but you two gonna have to still come with me. SHAWN Sir please, I can’t go to jail!
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ANDRE Yeah, look at him he wouldn’t stand a chance in there. SHAWN Shut up, Andre! ANDRE See! His attitude! (Shawn looks at Andre with frustration.) THEATER EMPLOYEE I am gonna need for you two to come now. SHAWN I knew I shouldn’t have followed your dumb ass. ANDRE It wasn’t dumb when you thought you was about to watch the movie. (Two police officers and the theater boss enter the theater and walk to the theater employee.) THEATER BOSS Officers, there the two guys are there. OFFICER ONE Sir, I need you two to get up now. SHAWN See it was... (Officer Two interrupts Shawn.) OFFICER TWO You heard my partner. ANDRE Officer whatever you do, please do not mix my bail money with his. OFFICER TWO What?
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ANDRE My money – keep it separate because I’m not bailing him out. OFFICER ONE You two guys are a couple weird individuals. SHAWN Tell me about it! (Shawn looks at Andre.) OFFICER ONE Are you trying to press charges against these guys? THEATER BOSS Uhh, no I just want them out of my theater! OFFICER TWO You two let’s go before we take you in. (Shawn and Andre are walked out the theater by the officers and theater boss.) OFFICER TWO (CONT’D) What’s that smell? (Andre looks up at Shawn with a smile.) (A beat.
Shawn smiles in return.)
END OF PLAY