SCENE THREE Justin is in his office, working on his computer. Coach Cindy pops her head in. JUSTIN Coach Cindy! COACH CINDY This death has really… it’s making things pretty complicated out there. That camper Talia, who found the dead body, is setting up shop on the basketball court and has started calling it “her territory now.” And it’s not just that. Angelica, the little girl whose father owns most of our bread? JUSTIN (Trying to remember) Whose father… COACH CINDY The bread king? Who gives us all of our bread. JUSTIN Oh, sure. What about her? COACH CINDY She won’t stop crying because she’s discovered what death is—two times in one week. JUSTIN Two times? COACH CINDY First she heard about Jay Gardener. And then her cabin found a dead bird outside the West Lavs. Their counselor told them not to touch it but Angelica went up really close to it and took a whiff. So now she’s learned about mortality, and she doesn’t like it one bit. (Pause) She’s said that she’s started to understand why people are so afraid of so many different things that she used to love, like bungee jumping and walking through fire and provoking large groups of people who are obviously in the wrong. She said that she’s worried about her own body now 24/7 and that she understands better what happened to her dog, her grandmother, and her older sister. And now she understands why her mother is so upset that her father—her very, very rich father the Bread King—“kills for all his bread.” (Pause) Anyways—no one can get her to stop crying. 1
JUSTIN Do you happen to know if anyone’s pointed out to her that everyone dies, so in a way that should be comforting? That you’re not exceptional by dying, which sounds harsh, but actually it’s a way to remember that you are part of a very long lineage of people who have died and that’s sort of a beautiful thing? COACH CINDY I’m not sure… I can… ask— JUSTIN Or have you tried the death as a motivator thing? COACH CINDY What’s the… JUSTIN Life is a game, we’re the players, death is the stakes, and the reward is like… not money, but like —getting as much stuff as you can get before you yeah—croak? COACH CINDY Oh… I haven’t— JUSTIN Try that and see what it does. If that doesn’t work, we’ll just send someone to her who can— someone who can get into that nitty gritty with her. Like—that counselor from the Halos bunk, Miranda? She might be the right person for the job. COACH CINDY Why’s that? JUSTIN I just think—I mean, she works in a factory, you know, when she’s not a counselor—she came from nothing, and she works in a factory, and I think that shows resilience. (Pause) And I have an eye for that kind of thing—I think it’s one of the reasons that this camp’s run so well for so many years. Even better than my brother’s, even though his camp is technically ranked higher than mine. I’ve got a great eye for a smart person amongst all of the… well, morons. COACH CINDY There are definitely a lot of morons out there. Myself pre-clu-doid.
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JUSTIN And not just morons, you know—there are a lot of thieves in the world, too, and I’ve never hired a single one to be a counselor here. (Pause) And only two deaths. Jay Gardener, just now, and that visiting artist who fell into the lake and everyone thought she was doing performance art when really she was asking us all for help and I wrote a poem about it later called Girl in Lake-y/Whoopsie Daisy. (Pause) And only eighteen major injuries! Eighteen times people’s bodies have been irreversibly changed by some person or machine at this camp. (Pause) And only six hundred and forty two pregnancies! COACH CINDY Six hundred and forty three. (Justin looks over at her) As of this morning. The, ah—one of the girls in the Larks cabin and one of the fishermen by Tommy’s. JUSTIN Well, fine. Still. Only six hundred and forty three pregnancies. (Pause) And only five accusations of sexual assault. COACH CINDY Yes sir. JUSTIN Per summer. COACH CINDY Right. JUSTIN Per camper and so—we’re in good shape! And so long as we can get the campers under control, get that daughter of the bread king— COACH CINDY Angelica— JUSTIN Get Angelica to stop crying…
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COACH CINDY Justin? I thought maybe… I could go talk to her. JUSTIN Oh? COACH CINDY I think I could do it. I think I can help. (With confidence) I know I can. JUSTIN Well… fine. Just be sure you don’t—you know. When you sort of… when you joke your way through things. Try not to do that. COACH CINDY (Joking voice) Dorn-Nor watcha trawkin aboot! (She laughs, then gets serious) No, no—I just meant that I dorm-nor watcha trawkin aboot. JUSTIN We just need her to stop crying. We need everyone to stop crying, all right? So let’s just— OLD COUNSELOR Excuse me, can I— They both jump. Old Counselor’s eyes go big, then small, then big, then small. Then big then small. OLD COUNSELOR I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to say—Mr. Judd, I can't take the 9am shift for arts and crafts anymore. It’s too early for me, and the crafts station is on top of a hill, and it’s hard on my knees to get up there by foot. And I was born in eighteen sixty f— COACH CINDY I’m actually the one who arranges the schedules. JUSTIN Yes, this young lady’s right— COACH CINDY I’m thirty-three— 4
JUSTIN She does all the scheduling. OLD COUNSELOR (Turning to Coach Cindy) Well then, I was hoping I could get a different shift, or maybe you could move the crafts station to the bottom of the hill… (Pause. She speaks evenly) And I know that I’m asking for people to accommodate me because of my age, and no one likes doing that. I’d much rather be young forever. But this is my reality now. (Pause) Also when I was a young woman, consent wasn’t even a word yet, you know—I was told that it was my duty to have sex not just with my husband, but also his friend Gondo— JUSTIN Look, Mrs…? OLD COUNSELOR Farts. But it meant something different a long time ago. Something… (Foreboding pause) Worse than what it means now. JUSTIN Well, I’m sorry to say it, Mrs. Farts, but I’m in no position to make big changes to this place right now. Someone is coming here soon to inspect the whole camp, and— OLD COUNSELOR Someone’s coming here soon? To inspect the carmp? JUSTIN Yes, and we already have enough problems on our plate so—I just don’t think we can handle anything else right now, so— OLD COUNSELOR Well, I'm sorry to bear more bad news, Mr. Judd, but after Jay Gardener— COACH CINDY (Whispering) Auto accident— OLD COUNSELOR Right, after his death, I remembered something. I was in my home, you know, 5
(Using quotes) “Taking a bath” and I— JUSTIN Why did you put it in quotes like that? OLD COUNSELOR What? JUSTIN Just now, when you said taking a bath… why did you put it in quotes? OLD COUNSELOR Oh. Ah… (Using quotes) “No reason.” JUSTIN Just there, again. Why the quotes? Is there actually a reason? OLD COUNSELOR No, Mr. Judd—there’s not. Not everything has a reason. (Pause) Anyways. As I was “taking a bath,” you know, and “using soap” to wash my “whole entire body,” I remembered something about this camp. Something from the past. I’m talking about the other death. JUSTIN Ah, yes. The performance artist. I have a poem about it: (He takes a deep breath) “Whoopsie Daisy, my dear, for it seems that when you werest yelling ‘Help me,’ you mean litrally, and though ya may nottin ber-leeve it, I durstn’t seen ya drownin—” OLD COUNSELOR No, no. I’m not talking about her. I’m talking about… Colette. (Locking eyes with Justin) I know you remember. COACH CINDY You… who’s Colette? JUSTIN She… she was no one… 6
OLD COUNSELOR She wasn’t no one, Mr. Judd… JUSTIN She was a camper here. OLD COUNSELOR Yes, she was. She was a camper here, who died. But it was years ago. So why was her name suddenly appearing to me like that, in the tub? I racked my brain. Why now? Why now? I couldn’t figure it out, for the life of me. Until I climbed out of the “bathtub” and started using a “towel” you know, to “get real dry” and then—ah ha! Like a mixed metaphor, the realization struck me like a crack of lightening, fresh off the stove. (Pause) It’s back. JUSTIN I don’t… I don’t know… OLD COUNSELOR In just one week, it will be twenty-five years to the day that she died in that forest. (Pause) The Haunting is back. The Haunting is hungry. (Pause) And it’s coming for you. A FLASH OF LIGHTENING. Rained-on Camper enters, drenched to the bone and looking ecstatic. RAINED-ON CAMPER It’s raining outside, in the middle of the day! (Twirling around with a smile on her face) I’m in love, I’m in love, and I’m dahncing in the rahn! She exits. OLD COUNSELOR Okay, well. Please try to figure something out about that hill, if you can. Thanks, Mr. Judd. Old Counselor leaves the room. COACH CINDY What’s the Haunting, Justin? 7
Pause. He looks around, worried, then takes a breath. JUSTIN I just—I don’t have time for this. The Haunting isn’t real. COACH CINDY Justin? JUSTIN I’m late, Coach Cindy. I have to go teach the campers about sex. (Pause) And that when the penis goes in, the organs start to tighten up around the lungs and then you choke on yourself and you die. COACH CINDY Well, fine. But we’re not done here. (He exits) Meanwhile, I’m going to go help a girl who’s been crying, for hours. About death. (Pause) Because everyone here thinks I’m the best person to help her.
SCENE FOUR Angelica stands in the middle of the basketball court, in a little puddle of tears. She’s sobbing hysterically. ANGELICA Death is real! Death is what defines us all! We live in opposition to death, and we spend our lives running from it—running from the inevitable, running from the single thing that has been predetermined for us before we’re even born. From offstage we hear two voices. RICH GIRL 3 Come on, Angelica. OFFSTAGE COUNSELOR I have to finish teaching them Soccer But Ball Is Rock! Angelica briefly looks over at them, but it doesn’t stop her wailing. 8
ANGELICA Death is the nothingness that we fear! The dark is not scary for the beasts that lie inside it—the dark is scary for the nothingness beneath! For we know that when we look upon the darkness, we are encountering what our brain ignores but what our hearts know to be true—that we are nothing, we are powerless—we bang our fists against our own lives as we try to make sense and meaning out of the chaos around us—but this banging is all for naught, as we are inconsequential and death does not separate the prince from the pauper! We spend our leaves competing against our neighbors, covering our festering wounds in pearls and embroidery, clawing our way to the very top—only to find that there’s nothing there! We are equalized by our mortality. We are all one tree, and our branches are death… Coach Cindy enters cautiously. COACH CINDY Angelica? Honey? ANGELICA WHO GOES THERE? COACH CINDY I know your dad, dear, okay—the bread king? I know all about how your dad is the bread king, and how you just learned what happens—how we all just sort of—yeah, croak, and— (Bending down to look at Angelica) Here’s the thing, hon. I get it, that you hear about how people are—not alive anymore, after a certain point, but you know what? Life is… I mean, it’s awesome! And death is… (She thinks) Well—ya know. You know. Death is—it’s crah-zah, right? It’s this like, bonkas thing! Like, oh yeah ah-big… toim! It’s crah-zah! But that doesn’t… (Pause. She sighs) Death is a motivator, hon, all right? And we’re the game, and money’s the stakes, and death is the reward, and—hold on—how did it go? Or, no, death is the game, and we’re the reward, and — ANGELICA (Earth-shattering cry) SILENCE, YOU MORON! (Eyes wide, hushed) You’re a moron. You think your ineffectual language can help me? You think you can help me? (She starts to morph more and more into a teenage girl again) You can’t help me! You spend your days what—looking at numbers, and books, and filling in this column and this row with this kind of data, and what to advertise on the website, and how to get higher enrollment, and what kind of food we should serve, and how did the rumor start that 9
condoms will shrink the dick off so no one here uses condoms, and how do we get old people up that godforsaken hill? (Even more of a teenager) But you don’t even know me! You don’t know what I’m going through, or what I think about, or how I spend my days! You don’t know what I’m scared of! You don’t know what consumes me! You don’t know what things I replay in my head over and over again, on repeat, like an awful, endless loop! (Fully a teenager now) Do you understand what kind of shame I carry around with me, all the time, while everyone around me is pretending that I’m like, some kind of dummy? I think you’re all the dummies! You’re pretending like you have it all figured out when actually, at the end of the day, I think you’re like, so small and like, secretly scared inside and really insecure and you’re inside of the same exact loops that I’m inside of, and actually you have no idea what’s going on!!!!! (Coach Cindy approaches her) Getawayfrommegetawayfrommegetawayfromme!!!!!! Coach Cindy shrinks away, looking horrified. COACH CINDY I’m a monster! She starts to cry. ANGELICA And do you have any idea what my labia looks like? Everyone told me that my body was beautiful—but if it’s so beautiful, then why does my labia look like an old man who just got served the wrong food at a restaurant??? Why does it look like that???? (Pause—final dagger) Also Eddie from Camp Eagle snuck across the lake to see me and we broke into the gymnasium — (Loudest, highest shriek) And now I’m pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!! Coach Cindy runs offstage as Angelica continues to sob.
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