PRIMARY TRUST (excerpt) by Eboni Booth

PRIMARY TRUST A play by Eboni Booth CHARACTERS Kenneth, male, black, 30s Bert, male, black, 30s – 40s Wally’s Waiter (also plays Bank Customers), female, black, 30s – 40s Clay (also plays Sam and Le Pousselet Bartender), male, any race, 30s – 40s PLACE Cranberry, New York, a medium-sized suburb of Rochester.

TIME Before smart phones.

NOTE A “ / ” indicates overlapping text.

If the “ / ” appears at the start of the line, the following line should start at the same time. {*} indicates the passage of time.

Sam Barickman & Di Glazer // ICM Partners

“‘Have no fear of this mess,’ Said the Cat in the Hat. ‘I always pick up all my playthings And so…

I will show you another Good trick that I know!’

Then we saw him pick up All the things that were down.”

—Dr. Seuss, “The Cat in the Hat”

1 As the lights dim, Kenneth walks out onto the stage. He thinks for a moment and then addresses the audience.

KENNETH This is what happened: A moment. He thinks. {*} This is what I will say happened: A moment. He thinks. {*} This is the story of how if you had asked me six months ago if I was lonely, I would have said: A moment. He thinks. {*} This is the story of friendship. Of how I got a job. A story of love and balance and time and the smallest of chances.

My name is Kenneth. I’m thirty-six years old and I live in Cranberry, New York, a suburb about forty miles east of Rochester.

The lights rise on Cranberry, New York.

We have our own post office, a church, three banks, and a wine and cheese shop just opened across from the train station. Down past Main Street, just along the river’s edge, is a supermarket, a bowling alley, and my favorite place on earth—Wally’s.

Wally’s is an old tiki restaurant with carpeting and a salad bar and most nights of the week, you can find me at a table sipping on a mai tai. Fifteen years from now, most of that land will be cleared and covered in pavement and new condominiums, but for right now, it feels like some version of home.

The lights rise on Wally’s. An older man in a Hawaiian shirt plays “The Girl From Ipanema” on a Casio keyboard near the salad bar.

Wally’s Waiter enters.

WALLY’S WAITER Welcome to Wally’s, New York’s oldest tiki hut and home to the Ooga Booga Prime Rib Platter, coming with either soup or salad and your choice of mac and cheese, coleslaw or hush puppies.

My name is Miriam and I’ll be your waitress this evening. Can I start you off with something to drink? Don’t forget that every hour is Happy Hour at Wally’s, but on Hooray Thursdays, we have two-for-one mai tais. {*} KENNETH Here in Cranberry (Population: 20,000), our town motto is: “Welcome Friend, You’re Right on Time!” It’s printed on the library cards and the town sign just off the interstate. Cranberry is mostly white, but there are some black people. There’s also a sizable Cambodian population on the other side of the river. Most of the time, everyone treats me fine, although there was one night out at the dairy farm— A moment.

But that’s another story.

I don’t know how my mother ended up here in Cranberry. She was originally from the Bronx and moved here all alone right before I was born. She worked at Mutual Loan bank and died when I was ten years old. One day, I’ll ask what made her move so far from home. I hope that I get to see her again—if not in this lifetime, then the next.

Not that I’m not much of a religious person. I don’t really believe in God or Heaven or Hell, but I do believe in friends, and Bert is the best friend around.

Bert enters.

Say hi, Bert.

BERT Hello.

KENNETH (to the audience) Remember those delicious mai tais I was talking about? Well, I drink those with Bert.

BERT We love mai tais.

KENNETH Most nights of the week—after we get done with work—Bert and I meet in front of the post office and walk over to Wally’s and spend the whole night talking and laughing and being best friends.

Kenneth and Bert sit at a table at Wally’s. {*} WALLY’S WAITER And on Reggae Thursdays, we have two-for-one mai tais and one dollar pints of Platte Blue River.

KENNETH Hello, Miriam!

WALLY’S WAITER My name is Paul.

KENNETH Hello, Paul!

I’ll have a mai tai! {*} One more! {*} Another round! {*} One more, por favor, and a side of pork beans! {*} BERT They call it—it’s called “open concept.”

You can see right from the kitchen through the dining room into the living room to the front door. And we ordered bar stools for the counter. Excuse me—island. I picked out marble for the— It’s pretty. Five bedrooms.

What? Fuck you.

KENNETH Okay.

BERT I’m happy.

KENNETH Okay.

BERT Louise makes me happy. {*} No, I don’t wash my hands.

KENNETH What do you mean?

BERT All these years? I haven’t been washing my hands when I go to the bathroom.

KENNETH Why not?

BERT I have dry skin.

If I wash my hands, my skin gets all papery.

KENNETH So carry lotion.

BERT Technically, we don’t need to wash as much as we do. Our culture is too germ-obsessed. I’m developing antibodies by doing it this way.

KENNETH I don’t think that’s how it works. {*} BERT Is that 20%?

KENNETH Yes. BERT Because it doesn’t look like 20%.

KENNETH Before tax.

BERT You don’t how to tip?

KENNETH Before tax.

BERT After tax.

KENNETH Why would I do that? What sense does that make? {*} WALLY’S WAITER Welcome to Wally’s. New York’s oldest tiki hut and home to the Ultimate Man Steak Dinner, coming with salad bar, breadsticks, and your choice of baked beans or creamed spinach. My name is Carlton and I’ll be your waiter this evening.

KENNETH Where’d my fork go?

BERT I didn’t take it.

KENNETH It was just right here.

BERT I didn’t take it. {*} KENNETH (to the audience) There’s something you should know about Bert. {*} BERT (to the audience) I’m imaginary.

{*} KENNETH (to the audience) He’s imaginary.

{*} (to the audience) Not imaginary in the way you’re thinking.

BERT What other kinds of imaginary are there?

KENNETH More like— Exists only in my head.

BERT Okay.

KENNETH But that doesn’t make him any less real.

He has—show them, Bert.

Bert demonstrates.

He has arms and legs. A face, a heart—a good heart. He has a moustache and a beard that he trims every four days.

BERT I even have dandruff.

KENENTH Bert has a wife, Louise. And three daughters. / Ashley, Caroline and Ameena.

BERT Ashley, Caroline and Ameena.

KENNETH He’s allergic to olives and capers.

BERT My favorite writers are Ralph Ellison and Stephen King.

KENNETH He can’t drive stick shift.

BERT I love plaid and Steely Dan. KENNETH He has a green Honda Accord.

BERT I struggle with insomnia.

KENNETH He’s scared of roller coasters.

BERT I don’t wear underwear.

KENNETH And he likes the beach.

So, you see, Bert is real, but just— BERT Not everyone can see me.

KENNETH Not everyone can see him.

No one can see him except me.

He doesn’t really exist outside of my head.

BERT When we go out places— WALLY’S WAITER Welcome to Wally’s.

KENNETH I take great pains to make it seem— BERT Like you’re not talking to yourself.

KENNETH Right.

Because I’m not, I’m talking to you, but— Well, I understand that it might look tricky from the outside.

WALLY’S WAITER Can I get you something to drink?

KENNETH We’ll take two mai tais.

WALLY’S WAITER We?

{*} KENNETH Just the one will be fine. {*} (to the audience) The trick to having an imaginary friend is to talk to him or her without being too conspicuous.

I often do the ventriloquist’s trick of saying many things without moving my mouth— He demonstrates.

—and Bert seems to understand me just fine.

BERT Yes, it is pretty windy today.

KENNETH And sometimes if he can’t understand me that way, I’ll just cover my mouth with my hand and try to hide the fact that I’m talking to someone no one else can see.

He demonstrates.

WALLY’S WAITER Who are you talking to?

KENNETH I’ll just take the check. {*} (to the audience) The truth is that Bert might not be real to anyone else, but he’s the realest thing I know, and I don’t worry too much if people don’t understand.

For the most part I’m lucky. I went to an orphanage after my mom died and everyone there was pretty okay with it. But after the orphanage, there were a few foster homes where— A moment.

And it was hard to explain about Bert and so— A moment.

But that’s another story.