FABULOUS MONSTERS (excerpt) by Diana Burbano

Fabulous Monsters __________________________ A Punk Play

By Diana Burbano Music by Moises Vasquez Lyrics by Diana Burbano and Moises Vasquez Developed at San Diego Repertory 2017 Barefoot Theatre NYC Festival 51 RI OC-Centric

100 Atlantic Ave #401 Long Beach, CA 90802 310-437-9246 dianaburbano@icloud.com dianaburbano.com Draft 3/12/2020 @Quarantine

Cast of Characters Sally:

16-29. Punk rock girl. Androgynous. Latina.

Slade:

Sally, older. Still angry. Still punk. Joan Jett type

Lulu:

16-29. Very pretty. Ambitious. feminist. Any ethnic.

Luisa:

Lulu, older. A rock icon. Steely, icy. Lovely. Linda Ronstadt type.

Kady

16. Luisa’s pretty, complicated and ambitious teenage daughter. Can double Lulu.

Nigel:

Punk rock royalty at least in his own mind. from Bowie to Prince and everything in between.

Note: It would be ideal if all Slade and Nigel play guitar. Slade especially. Power chords are pretty easy to master!

Scene: Los Angeles punk clubs.

Time: 1977-2015 Songs: Wanna Be a Rock Star (pp. 8) Mi Media Naranja (pp 15 and 64) Nasty (pp 38) Punk Bitch (pp 59) The Dew of the Morning (pp 52 and 69) Tracks available at: https://soundcloud.com/diana-burbano/sets/fabulous-monsters

Fabulous Monsters Synopsis: L.A. 1977. The punk rock scene is in full swing. Two young Latina women meet at a band audition. Luisa is effortlessly sexy, and sings like an angel. Sally, though musically brilliant, is rough-edged, moody, and tortured by her fluctuating sexuality. There's an undeniable symbiosis between them and they form their own band. Seemingly overnight they have fame and a following. Enter Nigel an older glam rocker. Seeking something new, he asks Sally to join his band. She's torn: the offer is intoxicating, but what about Luisa?

Sally accepts Nigel's offer. Luisa segues to a spectacular pop career strictly on her own. Sally feels a queasy mix of regret and contempt.Thirty years pass. Drugs and hard-living have exacted a brutal toll on Sally and Nigel. Age and illness have dimmed Luisa’s star and diminished her powers. And Nigel is dying. To help him do so with dignity, Sally seeks Luisa's help.

The gesture opens old wounds, but makes healing possible, too.

They re-unite on stage and discover that two old broads can rock as hard as they ever did.

BLITZKRIEG BOP 1977 Sound: A roaring crowd at a rock concert: the first loud chord of a punk song is heard.

Scene: A performance space.

Graffiti on the walls, archeological layers.

LULU is sitting on the edge of the club stage. She has the number "2" pinned to her blouse.

SALLY enters skinny, shy, with the number "24" haphazardly pinned to her leather jacket. She rips it off. Maybe she sticks the safety pin in her ear. She is in torn up jeans and a t-shirt in contrast to Lulu's short shorts and Mexican blouse. Sally starts to pack up her guitar.

LULU (calmly) How'd your audition go?

SALLY: He told me to put on more make up.

I’m sorry--

--Slade?

LULU Checks out the back of Sally's jacket

SALLY It’s Sally. He wants me to come back later. For the callbacks.

LULU (She did not get a callback, but doesn't want to let on.)

He stared at my boobs the whole time. Fucker.

Well--

*

SALLY: (Lulu has a spectacular figure.)

LULU Whatever. I'll show him my boobs. Hypnotize him with them and them eat him.

*

2.

You play like a guy.

I play like a girl.

She nods at Sally's guitar SALLY: LULU:

Snarls, sexily in Sally's face GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLL. Take a compliment, bitch! According to Rolling Stone there are are only Men, homos, and chick singers in Rock and Roll.

What's a GRRRL? SALLY: Someone who doesn’t give a shit about Rolling Stone.

LULU: (Flirty) GRRRL. I want to knock you out and steal that jacket.

SALLY: I fixed it up with dental floss and spray paint. Nearly killed myself with the fumes.

LULU: I'm too Glam. Your look is better.

She gets a little too close to Sally.

It’s not a look.

SALLY

LULU Fuck this guy and his corporate bullshit.

His bands are good.

SALLY

LULU They're Tiger-Beat top 40 crap. He wants to do girls this time ‘cause he thinks we’re a novelty. And ‘cause he wants to DO girls.

Here: Hands Sally a flyer.

Come to the Masque and check out my band.

Wow.

SALLY

*

3.

LULU (About the flyer) My dad has a stack of old girly mags under his bed. Sexist as shit, but good art.

What do you play?

*

SALLY

LULU I sing. Lead. Def-o. But I play some guitar, piano and a accordion.

Ouch.

SALLY:

LULU Don't make fun. Ever heard of Klezmer music? It's old Jew punk rock.

SALLY No. I hear it all the time at Quinceñearas. Drives me batshit.

LULU Huh. Hang with me until your callback. We can go to Tower and get the new Richard Hell album.

I don’t have a car.

SALLY

LULU Oh. Wow. That sucks. I'll make sure you get back. you live?

Boyle Heights Where's that?

Where do

SALLY LULU:

SALLY (Combative) Where the Mexicans live.

LULU (Pauses. Laughs.)

Thank you for not saying you're "Spanish." That’s some race hating bullshit.

SALLY My parents are very traditional. They don’t like me playing guitar.

* *

4.

LULU Mine are middle class Hippies. Full of shit and guilt, so they leave me alone.

Lucky.

SALLY

LULU I've been sitting out here all afternoon, listening. You're the only chick who played an original.

SALLY I have a ton of stuff. He told me to come back with a T-Rex song.

LULU Fuck this guy. Play with me.

She goes to the sign up sheet on the wall and draws a middle finger on it.

Don’t dick me around.

SALLY

LULU (pointedly) Do I look like I have a dick?

Definitely not.

SALLY Lulu lets out a rock and roll howl, Sally, admiring, joins her.

LiGHTS Change:

*

RISE ABOVE: PRESENT DAY LUISA, who is Lulu, older, walks in to the old, faded punk club, with her daughter KADY. Luisa is a woman with presence. Kady is a pretty 16 year old who has recently acquired a knock out body. Kady has a iPhone and is taking a video.

LUISA Too many goddamn memories. Did you break in here?

*

*

5.

KADY (Snapping pictures) I have connections. Mom, stand right there.

LUISA Hey! Warn me. I have to suck it in!

Omygod.

KADY

LUISA The place still smells like sweat and Vaseline. Can't believe it's still standing. I was sure it would cave in an earthquake.

Squashed up teenagers.

KADY

LUISA Carnage in leather and aqua net.

KADY I cannot picture YOU here. It’s so LC.

* *

LUISA The first time I played this place was my first time in a corset. I almost passed out.

*

KADY (Laughing.)

Wild. Wait, talk into the camera.

*

LUISA: (Enjoying the attention) I spent around 3 hours doing my makeup and it melted away in 5 minutes. I looked like a dead raccoon but I felt like a goddess.

KADY (Snapping more pix) Stand up there near the graffiti.

LUISA How we got through that first set, I dunno. We sucked, I sucked. Sally was amazing from the beginning.

SLADE (off) Don’t be nice. I’m not dead.

SLADE who is Sally, older, enters. Her hair is unnaturally black. She has tattoos and wears her old leather jacket.

* * *

6.

This club is haunted.

Hey. Long time.

Hey. Yeah.

LUISA SLADE LUISA The women stare at each other.

LIGHTS CHANGE 1977 Sally and Lulu stand at the mic.

Loud club sounds. Talking, beer glasses. No one is really paying attention

SALLY OK-- So thanks for coming or whatever-(She plays a loud and snarly chord on the guitar) LULU (Firmly.)

Wait!! Wait!! All you dudes, get to the back, I'm serious.

(She pushes an audience member back with her foot) Let the girls come up. No, do it. This is for the girls. Come on up.

Up to the front!

A voice in the crowd yells, "Bitch!" and throws a beer bottle. The crowd laughs. Sally gets mad, takes her guitar off, and as another bottle gets thrown she smacks it as hard as she can with the guitar. Crowd approves.

Sally flips the audience off, throws the guitar back on and starts to play: LULU (Yelling over the noise) Ladies! This is for us!

SONG: WANNA BE A ROCK STAR

She starts pogoing madly. They launch into:

Don't wanna be a housewife Don't wanna be a princess Don't wanna be the girl next door!

*

*

7.

I'm not your fucking whore.

Just wanna be a rock star Just wanna play my guitar Just wanna be a rock star Just wanna rock the world Just wanna rock the world Just wanna rock the world!!!

They are wild, falling, laughing, having the time of their life.

*

LIGHT CHANGE. PRESENT. SILENCE.

*

Slade and Luisa are still staring at each other.

KADY (Delighted, rushing in) Hi, Slade. I'm Kady. Wow, you look-- I love you! -- I mean, I have all your records on VINYL 'cause I think you can't really HEAR them on mp3s. My mom gave me an old turntable and earphones from the seventies, totally redone. Everything sounds so good! I live for record store day. I play guitar too. (pause) and drums. (pause) I love old school punk-She breathes to keep going

* * *

*

SLADE What the fuck. Do you have an off switch? Kid. I MADE the original records, record store day...? I fuckin' hate hipsters. What's yer name? Katie.

* * *

KADY Kady. Cadence. I'm not a hipster.

* *

SLADE Wow. Nice. Lucky she didn't name you, like, Arpeggio or some shit. You're big.

* * *

LUISA She's 16, Sal. This is what happens to people. They grown up.

* *

SLADE

* *

LUISA Whatever you want to call it

* *

Get old you mean.

8.

SLADE You look-- (Maliciously) Magnificent. As usual. Good work.

*

LUISA You look exactly the same.

SLADE Like Keith Richard's armpit. (to Kady) She used to say terrible shit about me behind my back.

To your face.

I think you're gorgeous.

I'm a fucking Unicorn.

I’m so happy you came!

*

LUISA KADY SLADE KADY

* * *

SLADE I can’t believe SHE (points at Luisa) want to get the Monsters back together.

*

LUISA Ahahah! Are you fucking crazy?

* *

SLADE Your text said some music mag wanted to do an article about the Monsters. After 16 years--

* * *

I didn't text--

LUISA

KADY It was me. I texted you. I wanted to meet you. Um. I DO have a music blog, though.

Damn it, Kady!

LUISA

* * * * * * *

KADY She's fair game Mama! You said you wanted to get back to your roots!

* * *

LUISA I don't want to do the nostalgia circuit. Old Gen X-ers breaking their hips in the mosh pit. Sad.

*

KADY Old people still party! Oldchella!

9.

Exactly!

LUISA

Both Slade and Luisa groan SLADE Gross!

LUISA You-- why did you call her. Here of all places! Look, She’s--

* *

SLADE No fear, baby, no fear I'm clean and sober. Working on my 10 year pin. Look:

* * *

Shows her clean arms.

*

SLADE But you know druggies. Can't trust 'em. They're never REALLY clean. Are they Lulu?

* *

LUISA I dunno, Sal. The ones I knew are all dead.

*

KADY (clacking away furiously on her phone.)

Your Bass player who died of an overdose, and his girlfriend, the drummer, hung herself. The keyboard player died of-AIDS.

SLADE

AIDS.

LUISA

That was just one band.

* * *

SLADE Those were my friends. Not some stats on your phone.

KADY Teenage carnage. Punk is so much better than the shit going on now.

* *

SLADE The drummer from the Clash is a chiropractor. Punk is dead.

*

KADY

* *

SLADE God. Awkward. (To Luisa) I thought you asked me here to apologize for the shit way you’ve behaved.

* * *

LUISA Excuse me? You’re the one who was supposed to be making amends.

* * *

KADY 16 years is a long time not to see each other.

* *

You're my idol.

10.

Not long enough.

LUISA

* *

SLADE (To Kady) We’ve knows each other since we were embryos.

* * * *

KADY * I’ve told mom for years that you guys should get back * together. I mean, her stuff is pretty irrelevant now, but you- * * SLADE We COULD do something, totally new. Together. I've always written with your voice in my head, Lulu.

* * *

LUISA

* *

I don't know if my label-

SLADE It's just a side project Lulu. Shit. I'm not asking you to marry me.

* * *

Kady laughs.

KADY She’s always like this. Why don’t you come to the house. The address is--

* * *

SLADE I can get it from the map of the stars guy.

* *

KADY Hilarious! Bring your gear. We'll all just chill.

*

No.

LUISA

* *

KADY God. Boring. Fine. Slade, do you want to get a coffee with me?

* * *

SLADE

* *

LUISA No. Come to the house. I’ll tell the guard to let you in.

* *

Uh-

LIGHT CHANGE. Past.