I Get Restless by Caroline V. McGraw This excerpt takes place about 1/3 of the way through the play. Scene 8 An Adirondack cabin, evening
Wood walls painted and repainted so many times they have acquired a thickness Mitch and Hazel enter, Mitch carrying a duffel bag The décor is extremely rustic—actually old, shabby, charming but not cute We see the spines of old detective and ladies magazines, all the books were published before 1979 The bedspread and rugs are old. But they are clean and well kept. The small living room opens into a larger bedroom. A large window hovers above the bed, overlooking a peaceful lake surrounded by fir trees There are little wedding things here and there—piled up extra paper plates and disposable cups, decorations, some wilting flowers, a few stray unopened gifts A garment bag hangs on a coathook in the bedroom The Wolf Head is mounted above the doorway between the living room and the bedroom
Hazel stares up at it, transfixed
MITCH I asked Cletus to clean up some of this stuff, but he’s uh, not always the most reliable guy Hazel breaks the wolf gaze Pretty flowers
HAZEL
Mitch watches her, cautious But she doesn’t say anything else about the wedding things She looks out at the lake Did you take my helmet? He shuffles around in a duffel bag and brings out a headpiece made of puffy fabric He hands it to her She puts it on
MITCH
You look great Hazel tips the helmet on and off, “and a good day to you sir” I’ll sleep in the alcove If you have to get up in the night, you don’t want to have to navigate stairs The hospital gave us a huge thick pillow, I put that in the bedroom Thank you Thanks for everything
HAZEL
You’re very nice MITCH Trying to be funny but it comes out way bitter: What every man longs to hear Don’t knock it I know a loooot of not so nice men
HAZEL
MITCH You do. Hopefully not anymore.
HAZEL
A beat, then: MITCH I also In that little box in the front room I put your rings My— Engagement, /wedding
HAZEL MITCH HAZEL
Right/yes MITCH You picked them both out, so they’re your um
taste. Hazel I I know you don’t know me yet But we could look at all this as an opportunity He stammers a bit under Hazel’s gaze It was a lot of Fun to fall in love with you HAZEL It was? And we could We have the chance to do that again Most people don’t have that chance
MITCH
Hazel is quiet HAZEL That is a really nice idea Oh you think so? Oh okay good— Except That can’t happen, can it?
MITCH HAZEL
MITCH Oh— HAZEL Because it isn’t…it won’t be us falling in love You’re already there And my head sort of hurts and I have all this medication I have to take and um the thought of I guess “dating”? Right/now is Yes okay/of course I
MITCH HAZEL
If you um love me already maybe you could just keep doing that
Sure, I get it
MITCH
HAZEL You said/this lovely thing and I just, I just fucked it up huh— MITCH No you’re right HAZEL I’m always right You know that about me already, don’t you? MITCH
I do I’m very tired.
HAZEL MITCH
I’m upstairs if you need anything He starts to leave HAZEL
Mitch Do you love this house?
MITCH
Yes Last summer I repainted all the window frames See? Hazel sees I’m glad I got married here I always wanted to Goodnight Hazel
HAZEL
MITCH
He makes a physical gesture—stepping toward her, perhaps, or squeezing her arm
He leaves Hazel looks out the window. It’s darker now. Hazel makes a beeline for the garment bag and unzips it to reveal her wedding dress. She contemplates it for a moment, not fully taking it out of the bag, then looks around at the other wedding debris. She walks toward the little bedside table and opens a little jewelry box She examines the wedding band, then the engagement ring. She slips on the engagement ring, replacing the wedding ring in the little box She takes off her clothes and puts a silk robe over her underwear She looks out the window as darkness overtakes the room, the cabin The landline phone on the bedside table rings She looks at it She walks and picks it up HAZEL Hello? Hell-ooo? Who is this? Hello Ugh She hangs up the phone ANNIE enters, wearing a robe that matches Hazel’s and pajama pants, her hair wrapped in a towel Who was it?
ANNIE HAZEL
Nothing on the other end. Breathing ANNIE It was the ghost HAZEL Yeah
The murderer The creature from beyond the earth
ANNIE
HAZEL I’m sure it’s just a wrong number I do think it was a woman though You know how men have that sort of pervert raspy breath And a woman breathing, it’s like “oh gee sorry for living, sorry for taking up all this oxygen with my wrong number!” Through the next few lines, Hazel starts to put Frownies on herself Don’t know what Frownies are? The internet has plenty of pics, but they are essentially little flesh colored strips that women wet and put on the most mobile parts of their faces to keep them from moving when they sleep It happens a lot?
ANNIE
HAZEL I’m not here enough for like a pattern but it seems to happen once or twice a summer It must be a misdial, it’s not like anyone else used to live here Annie takes her hair out of the towel and begins to spread a white mixture through it, from a container she has produced from a makeup bag Ah when we were little girls planning our bachelorette parties, this is always what I imagined Me, vainly trying to prevent the inevitable You, putting some sort of semen through your hair ANNIE It’s coconut oil And we never planned our bachelorettes No girl does that You got a great bachelorette
HAZEL ANNIE
You said this is what you wanted HAZEL It is ANNIE Okay If it isn’t I can’t read your mind
HAZEL It is what I wanted ANNIE I got us robes I love my robe
HAZEL
ANNIE You said “nothing that says bride or Mrs. or any other cursive print trash” I love my robe
HAZEL
ANNIE I never get to put coconut oil in overnight at home Why can’t you put it in at home?
HAZEL ANNIE
Malik doesn’t like the smell HAZEL Is that an answer? ANNIE I’m a considerate partner Hazel makes a face Taking other people’s feelings into consideration doesn’t make me a doormat Can I have some?
HAZEL
She sits on the cot Annie runs some through her hair, then braids it into two pigtails They sit comfortably together I’d love Mitch to tell me I can’t put anything in my hair ANNIE My husband isn’t terrified of me
Mitch is not terrified of me! Everyone is terrified of you
HAZEL ANNIE HAZEL
Okay She sits, sullen and hurt Annie has finished one braid and begins another ANNIE Is that something you didn’t know? HAZEL Yeah but you’re not supposed to say it You’re supposed to be so terrified of me you can’t articulate it for fear of retaliation Annie snickers, finishes her braid She makes a quick plucking gesture ANNIE Three greys HAZEL Oh jesus Something happened this year I keep gettin em You age in spurts Shut up Not just you, everyone
ANNIE HAZEL ANNIE HAZEL
Really? ANNIE You’ll look like this, how you look now, for another few years and then bam HAZEL “Bam”?
ANNIE
Bam Where did you hear this?
HAZEL
ANNIE Everywhere It’s a true thing so it’s just, you know, everywhere Thanks I’m gonna sleep great now “Bam”
HAZEL
ANNIE I don’t make the rules Hazel pats her Frownies worriedly She gets up and picks up a few bags of junk food, Girl Scout cookies and cheese puffs She gets in the big bed with them and arranges them next to her, like a teddy bear HAZEL I never just walk into a grocery store on like just any old weekday and buy this stuff, do you? Why not it’s so good and we could We could buy it whenever we want Annie burrows into her cot I thought you were gonna sleep with me ANNIE I like when I get a bed to myself Besides wouldn’t want to disturb your little ménage a tois Hazel munches as Annie drifts HAZEL Want me to turn the light off? Mmmm yeah
ANNIE
We can still talk though… Hazel turns off the little lamp next to the bed Annie and Hazel, and us, are in darkness except for the glow of the moon on the lake
outside the window Our eyes will adjust Hazel munches. Annie closes her eyes. Their words gradually take on sleepover rhythm; slow and syrupy, with the uncertainty if the last thing that was said was truly the last thing of the night HAZEL I wish you had come up here when we were kids Coulda gotten into all sorts of Anne of Green Gables bosom friend hijinks ANNIE Yeah my parents always wanted me to go to fancy camp I was so jealous of your fancy camp It wasn’t that fancy Had all the things you have here
HAZEL ANNIE
Trees Lake Pinecones Spiritual-ass Wolves/ Rain pooling up in random places HAZEL
What?/
ANNIE Possum…living/guys HAZEL There are no/wolves up here ANNIE What about this dude who’s looking at us HAZEL
What?
She looks up at the Wolf Head