ISLANDER by Liza Birkenmeier (curated and compiled from NHL Commentary 2017-2018)
1. OCTOBER MAN You can feel my breathing you can feel my excitement rough transitions through the decades half-empty promises a 23-year-long drought getting endlessly pushed around by my crosstown rivals worst of all, I had to say goodbye to my home of forty-three years forced out some friends abandoned ship and those that remained were tried, time and time again— My friends have been through a lot Life as my friend hasn’t been easy. but everything I’ve been through has only sharpened my resolve and I’ve had some good times the three main objectives for me number one: start out strong from the gate two: secure the future three: convince John to stay this year is the time to switch gears let go of past transgressions let’s come out fifteen-thousand strong and show everybody that my friends are in it until the very end this year, I need you more than ever let’s rock because we’re not just ordinary friends we’re friends with resolve we’re friends with purpose and loyalty I’ve weathered through the storm now let’s bask in the light that follows it all starts this year, and it all starts on October seventh THE NATIONAL ANTHEM (sung by a guest) oh say, can you see? etc. The word that’s been kicked around is desperation.
My entire social media presence has totally changed. It’s like am I even the same person? That I was? Like a couple of years ago. Now I’m making goofy videos. Good for me. Really I have been as advertised. I’ve been a hardworking, gritty guy. I thrive on the challenge I just say: “I’ll never give up.” It’s just that hard work mixed with that talent. My friends are glad I’m here. And— ya’know if, if people wanna get all like ya’know “the sky’s falling,” already it’s fine, I’m not— I’m definitely not gonna stop anybody. Um but like there are some things that are goin’ on under the hood that that are actually pretty positive. Last night was not one of them. It was not like a situation where anybody would be like: yeaaaaah, you’re okay—no. I had a reputation of being a dominant guy. In the early 2000s. But if we just talk about me, then we’re in a glass box of emotions. No one should be worried until Thanksgiving. When do people start worrying in Canada? Yeah I mean, other than the fickle stuff, I’m not too worried. My boss is adamant that it’s not a performance thing. I could have actually still been good but just. The. My. My power point was just the most inept thing you’ve ever seen. It was the sky was falling. And then I go to work yesterday and I do. One of my better days of the year. Ah. John. Is pretty cool to see. And ah. It was really a fun day. At least from my perspective. Ah I did a really good thing really really well and I broke through against circumstances. I’ve come to some—like a conclusion about Nick. I don’t know what, what, I’m sure he’s fine, but I’ve come to the conclusion that Nick is too nice. He—he’s too nice to do the job that I need him to do. He’s, he’s so good. He should be a weapon. And somehow he always—somehow nothing comes of him. He’s not helping anything. Every guy adds an element. Like John. Who now has insane abilities. Tomorrow ah, is a juggernaut at this point.
I don’t know. They could either destroy me or I could destroy them. It’s been a really wild week; I don’t know. Good is the enemy of great. No more good; it’s time to be great. Watch me. (Whispered Mirror Affirmations) Looks like he’s gonna try to be a little more aggressive. Boy, but this is gonna get him into trouble. He got really discombubilated there. My boss doesn’t think I’m ready. He keeps me out to teach me a message. (awesome air guitar) 2. NOVEMBER I heard the message loud and clear. One night after saying I needed “maybe some heart, maybe some work ethic, et cetera,” I responded accordingly and didn’t waste any time in doing so. I did pretty well. Kinda stood on my head. You could kinda say I went back and forth but I still came out on top. Then I waltzed into the office and did pretty well which is— it’s like— everyone else is like are you good? Or are you really lucky? Are you hanging by, you know, like the skin of your teeth? Uh, uh, I don’t know. I’m good I’m good. I’m exciting. I’m sure I’m a little bit lucky but. I tend to look at luck as a surface level. I’m the benefactor of the, of last…there’s a little bit of luck. But if you’re a good guy, you’re gonna create your own luck. Looking back on when I was bad, you could be like: oh he’s a little unlucky. Because I was bad, you know? But like…so bad guys tend to do stuff…like that…but. I think I’m good. The system the…system is definitely working. Which is nice. The most peculiar thing is how strongly I started only to falter. My schedule is just the worst ever. I did pretty well but. I’m screwed. I just got my butt handed to me.
It was embarrassing. Hopefully I can use this for motivation. It’s it’s it’s kind of what happens when you put me out there and have me chase after something in in front of all of these people. I should definitely apologize. Because—(laughs) I tweeted out in a message, I believe it was, somebody told me it was ah. Well I did the. I was told it was forty-three uses of the word “hate” about how I hate my office. Since that tweet, we’re good. That was the secret. I think I have to adjust my thinking as to just this I am a very high event guy. I do big things. I get lotsa stuff. Um. I have issues; we can talk about that. This is. This is the way I am. I try to push the pace. Sometimes it’s to my benefit; sometimes it’s not. So far so good. I am able to do things essentially at will. When I’m down, I know I’m gonna go out there and do things. Yeah, I speak French; what do you want me to say. Wait can I say uh. My…name’s… Uh. Or I hope you like uh… hope you like wha—uh— watching my beginnings? J’èspere que tu aimes mon episode de beginnings. (pronounced: jespair katoo em mon epee sode dah beginnings.) I mean— So— If you wanna get sorta granular about this. I’ve got a lot of great tools. I’ve got great hands and a great face: they’ve been, you know, lights out. Then the bottom line, is… I guess it was— Bad. It’s like I’m a tale of two men. I’m exciting to watch. For my friends, it can be grating on the nerves, and makes them hate me when I give up. And I respond. And it would be nice to sort of not respond— to be good for an entire day but. But I guess I’m. Resilient. Is another way to put it. If I had put up another stinker that would really be reprehensible so I expect a bounce back even in you know dire circumstances so it was nice to see that happen.
It was good to do a heck of a job I don’t mind my flip flopping. Sometimes I’ll suck. So it’s weird. This might just be another me echo chamber. It’s like you’re watching a different man every day. It’s like yeah. Who am I gonna turn into? One of the best performances you’ve ever seen? Like in my house? To be able to do that? I’m a perfect guy. A space creator. A good nose. And. So. I. Just. Other parts of me are big problems. I don’t wanna talk about some of them. If I can straighten that stuff out—can push things— I just kinda need to straighten that out but until then? That’s just how it’s gonna how I have to how I’m gonna be. (Whispered Mirror Affirmation) He’s got to play the body. He normally plays the body. He makes them as uncomfortable as a beached whale. He’s got to get onto even terms. Oh My Goodness You gotta be kidding me. John is everything. He’s omnipotent. He’s everything. I know I have to turn the page and move forward. It’s funny I, I brought up my own echo chamber— Something was bothering me. Everyone’s so pessimistic it bothers me. It’s like: are these my friends? Are you sure you’re my friend? See I don’t know I just— See I hate that. Like part of me blames twitter because it’s an echo chamber. It’s the worst most vile place ever. It’s really really annoying. People send me nasty DMs and then they feel bad about it. I mean anything was better than everyone being mad at me for no reason. Gotta step up a bit, gotta put on the pressure, no real problem. I’m in the perfect position—great eye-hand coordination! I can go home feeling good about myself after my poor performance. This is what I was wearing in 1999. (run to catch a cab: it’s a one-man show pantomime!)
3. DECEMBER When I’m involved, it’s always weird. I wanna say I’ve got it in the bag, but— It would be a very very me thing for this to go south. If this thing goes through, and obviously I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself but If this thing goes through, I’d really like to see more of kind of my history. Ya’know—there really isn’t a statuary here. No memorials to my past. No museums. Meanwhile if you’ve ever been to other places, there are a lot of giant statues. You can’t walk five feet without hitting a statue. But again I’m getting too far ahead of myself. But if we’re going through all of this trouble to build this. And I think we will. Then. I should have my own fishing, fishing area or something like that. A week ago tonight, I read a thing. I got. You know. A google. Alerts. For my stuff. And it said I might get an award. Like ten other people were tweeting this out and it was this huge thing. Meanwhile this is going to be like like a knife fight til the very end. That’s just the world we live in. It’s such a dog fight. Right now. All things considered. I have. I have. I’m only a little behind. You can’t let that linger. You can’t let that go on. I need to come out on top. There’s no way around it. I need come out on top. You could call it ducks. An easy one-two. I should be favored but then. It’s hell. It sucks. I’m sleepin’ just a little bit, and that’s all it takes. My hands have the worst effectiveness in the country I mean I looked drunk I couldn’t stop any of it. We’ve been so kind of up and down about so many subjects this year that I’ve kind of glossed over the fact that I’m not that good. It’s exciting to see. I’m starting to click. Three in a row, but— Dangerous area. I’m looking the wrong way. I can’t see that. I’m taking a little guess, and I looks the wrong way. I’ve been pretty good, but I guess that’s stopped. Then I have to go to Columbus which is just—a— horrible place for me. I shouldn’t even go to that.
Part of me wants to think I’m a different person and I’ve gotten to this point by doing a really good job and doing crazy things. (Whispered Mirror Affirmations) He just lost his shoe. He’s just floundering around. He’s trying to walk and it’s like: this isn’t going to work for him. You should suppress your natural anxiety and be ready for this new era where I need help but. It’s a bit of a nightmare. So I’m gonna need help but. My second shift was pretty good? I think I was positive? It’s nice to be in charge but I have to do something. Something has to happen. John gets it. John makes absolutely no mistake, and is beautiful. No one’s home with me. There’s a broken piece. I have come back from my deficits, and that gets me feeling a whole lot better about myself, but then I still ultimately lose. I might want to get my stuff in gear and and you know start doing better When I look back— what I’m personally most proud of so far? Is my brilliance. It’s just a great experience for my whole family. For me: High high skill level. One of the best. There’s time for me to make up ground. Starts now I guess. A few months ago, I was just desperate for a car. I was like: I need to get a car because…um… I just needed to get around. I was, was just sick of asking for rides and ubering everywhere and that kinda stuff. I got this one right after that. I started doing better, I started winning, and I’m a really superstitious guy, so. Everyone’s like: go get a nice car. Go treat yourself. And—(laughs) And I was like: you know what? Like, I can’t right now. Like, I’m hot. I was like: I just gotta roll with it right now. But this one? I like it. I only drive five minutes a day. If I took one wrong turn, I would not know where I am. I only know my route to work and that’s it. I love it here.
(Whispered Mirror Affirmations) From his home, he got a marvelous start, right here in this building. He’s hot right now. Watch him: you would have called this “showboating” years ago, but now it’s just a function of life. More importantly, the way he was—is the best thing he— he can take to his little Christmas break. (dance) 4. JANUARY MAN Hope you had a happy uh and ah a merry Christmas. Happy Hanukah ah happy Kwanza happy whatever it is you celebrate Where were you when you heard I won? I thought about maybe running down the halls of my apartment building. I think everybody has ideas for what they want to see. One thing I want to see is a “me” hall of fame, I think would be really cool? But I want I thought about the best thing for it in front would be right in front would be a statue of John on a horse with a flag that says “yes yes yes” on it sort of charging into battle. So yeah I think I’m the only one who understands the enormity of this historical moment. They were like stop crying. I am am am kind of I’m on this great path. There are just these easy fixable things. It’s like I have a flat tire I’ve just got to fix the flat tire in order to go forward in my awesome you know Ferrari That’s a good analogy actually