LOVE QUIRKS excerpt by Seth Bisen-Hersh

Love Quirks Version 26 By Book: Mark Childers Music/Lyrics: Seth Bisen-Hersh

Copyright 2020, Mark Childers & Seth Bisen-Hersh

Cast of Characters Chris:

early 30s,Former baseball player turned chef. Sweet.

Any ethnicity. Bari-tenor.

Stephanie:

early 30s, Nurse.

No-nonsense. Any ethnicity.

Soprano belter.

Ryan:

early 30s, Serial dater, works off and on as a teacher. Gay. Witty.

Whimsical. Any ethnicity.

Tenor.

Lili:

early 30s, Graduate student working as a waitress.

Brassy. Wacky. Hilarious.

Any ethnicity. Mezzo soprano belter.

ACT I Scene 1 - Intro At the end of the overture, the lights come upstage left as the music builds to a crescendo, CHRIS stands over a suitcase center stage. He is tossing a ring up and down in his hand. He does this a few times. Then he stands with the ring in hand.

CHRIS

A circle. No beginning. No ending. The more expensive, the more it meant. The more love. The hole in the center. A gateway or door to things unknown. It used to mean something, then I read her texts. If you don’t wanna know, don’t read her texts.

CHORD. The lights come up stage right. STEPHANIE lays on a couch speaking to an off-stage therapist.

STEPHANIE To have and to hold...forever?

CHORD. RYAN enters. He almost speaks into his phone, playing with an app.

RYAN I think I can tell everything about a guy in the first fifteen minutes...then what?

CHORD. LILI is seated. Writing a paper.

LILI Work. School. Write. Cry. Work. School. Write. Cry. This is not a life.

It Never Works CHRIS (SUNG) Here I am packing up, moving out, after being deceived.

Cheating all this time. At least the ring has been retrieved.

Couldn’t please her... how I tried!

What a roller coaster ride!

After three years, back to square one.

Not a thing has been achieved.

(CHRIS reaches for his phone and dials RYAN) My stuff fits in this bag, but there’s no room for the baggage I’ve amassed.

It’s so much easier to fall in love than to make love (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

CHRIS (SUNG) (cont’d) last.

It never works.

It never works!

A phone rings. Lights up on stage right as RYAN is grabbing clothes from the floor of his messy room.

He begins shoving them into the suitcase sitting center stage. He grabs his phone and sees it’s CHRIS. He answers.

RYAN CHRIS

Chris. Hey. Not the best time.

I need your help.

RYAN stops.

RYAN CHRIS RYAN CHRIS RYAN

What’s up?

Its over. I need a place to stay.

Seriously? That’s perfect.

What!?

No, that’s terrible. So sorry about that, BUT I am moving out so you can rent my room!

CHRIS Jerry? Really. That was quick! Well, I don’t expect to be there long. Do you think they will mind if I take your room? I mean, there is history there.

RYAN CHRIS

Nah, they won’t mind. It will be fine.

I’m on my way.

CHRIS hangs up the phone.

RYAN

They are going to kill me.

Lights down stage left. RYAN hangs up the phone and takes a beat. Then he begins packing fast.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

RYAN (SUNG) Here I am moving in with this guy who I’ve known a short while.

Even though we met on Grindr, he thinks we’ll walk down the aisle.

There’s no reason for alarm, Eighth time’s gotta be the charm!

They have all been diff’rent. You could say my taste is versatile.

LILI Enters Ryan’s room. She stands watching him pack. He is so frantic, he does not even notice.

RYAN (SUNG) I guess that’s cause I don’t know what I want. I think I’ve fin’lly found my type.

When I find my Soul Mate, it’s my last swipe!

I hope this works, Cause it never works!

LILI (SPOKEN) No, it doesn’t.

RYAN turns and jumps at LILI’s presence.

RYAN (SPOKEN) Shit. Hi. You scared the...

LILI Jerry? Really? You have known him for like a second.

RYAN LILI

Over two months and I think maybe this time...

Tell me, Liza, how it will be so different and you will run through fields together and ride unicorns across floating clouds and...

RYAN I know. I know. Gotta go.

RYAN kisses LILI on her forehead. He grabs the suitcase which is ridiculously heavy.

RYAN Oh and the sublet should be here soon.

LILI

Sublet? Wait. Who?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

RYAN shuts the door behind him. LILI dials STEPHANIE. A phone rings and lights up stage left reveal STEPHANIE dressed in her nurses uniform.

She answers.

STEPHANIE What did he do now?

LILI

Ryan is gone. Again.

STEPHANIE He will be back. You and I can handle the rent till then. We don’t need another sublet.

LILI

He already found one.

STEPHANIE Really? Who? LILI

He didn’t say.

STEPHANIE (SUNG) It never works with anyone! No stability anymore!

Who the hell knows what’s in store?

I know that change may be tough, And we’ve all been through enough.

But Ryan cannot commit, So don’t fret about it, He too will split.

While getting divorced, It sucks to be forced to start all over anew.

It’s something we all go through.

CHRIS and RYAN meet, hug, and RYAN gives CHRIS the key to the apartment then they exit.

LILI (SUNG) I know he’s still my friend, but he goes without thinking of me!

Moving in at just two weeks, can you say co-dependency?!

Wish I knew the reason why, Friendships change as time goes by.

I’m here to support him unconditionally.

When he’s back I’ll be right here. That door’s always open because I care.

But maybe one time he won’t act like I’m not there.

It never works...

IT NEVER WORKS!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

CHRIS

ALL

5.

Here I am packing up, moving out, after being deceived.

Cheating all this time. At least the ring has been retrieved.

Couldn’t please her... how I tried!

What a roller coaster ride!

After three years, back to square one. Not a thing has been achieved.

LILI, STEPHANIE & RYAN (IN COUNTERPOINT) Here I am once again...

What should I do now?

How’d I end up here?

I have to fix this somehow!

Here I am once again, once again, once again...

Fuck all life’s quirks!!! It never works!!!

IT NEVER WORKS!!!

LIGHTS DOWN Scene 2 - THE NEXT MORNING LIGHTS UP STEPHANIE enters in her robe. CHRIS is seated on the sofa with a box of croissants, coffee and the morning paper.

STEPHANIE No. Oh, dear god. Please.

She turns to head back to her room.

CHRIS

Good morning, roomie. Coffee? Croissant? There may also be a few donuts in here.

STEPHANIE stops.

STEPHANIE This is not happening.

CHRIS

Look...

STEPHANIE I don’t have the energy to add you to the current pile of issues I call a life.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CHRIS

6.

I will not bother you. I am a changed man.

STEPHANIE Two words that should never go together. Change. Man. CHRIS

I am not your issue.

STEPHANIE Can’t you just go live with one of your jock buddies from college or something?

CHRIS

No. They all got married or are living in their parents’ basement. I need a place to stay. Things have not exactly been great for me lately, and I know things have not been good for you either.

STEPHANIE I am going to murder Ryan. Dead.

LILI ENTERS. They all stand for a moment in silence.

LILI

Good morning. For the record, I am going to kill Ryan first. I’ve earned that right.

LILI walks across the room. Picks up the coffee that Chris brought. Drinks a sip and keeps it.

CHRIS LILI

I will only be here temporarily.

Don’t speak. (to Stephanie) If he tries anything, cut his balls off.

(She gets close to CHRIS) And STAY. OUT. OF. MY. STUFF. She takes another sip of coffee.

LILI

I have my gender studies class to attend. Have a great day saving lives and you...

She delivers a look that kills. Then exits.

CHRIS

Frightening. Look, I am not going to try anything or bother you in any way.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

STEPHANIE Oh, please. I don’t believe you. You were a nightmare in college and the way you treated...

CHRIS I will not try anything. Give me a week. I’ll prove it.

I know years ago, we started off on the wrong foot. We should just, you know... Give it a shot.

STEPHANIE Give what a shot?

CHRIS

Calm down.

STEPHANIE Never tell a woman to calm down.

CHRIS

We are all going through it right now. None of us are in a good place. I won’t be here long. I just need a room to sleep in and maybe just a friend?

STEPHANIE You? HAHAHAHA. Are you joking?

Let’s Just Be Friends CHRIS I brought you coffee and a croissant, I think it’s pretty clear what I want...

Let’s just be friends!

Is that such a crazy thing to be?

You’ll see I’ve changed, Yet still you see me as that vapid jock!

Well that’s such a crock!

It might be a shock, But given the choice: I’d read Faulkner, Fitzgerald and Joyce!

I love films with subtitles, Wagner recitals, Tangoing, days at the Met...

You won’t be upset If we just be friends!

Let’s just be friends!

The last thing I need right now is this.

If signals mix, please just dismiss.

If I have no shirt, I don’t mean to flirt!

Friendship couldn’t hurt!

Relationships blow!

(MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

CHRIS (cont’d) Convoluted, annoying, hello!

Those romantic notions, Saccharine emotions, Talking about how you feel!

There’s much more appeal if we just be friends!

If I was into you, I’d take you out to dine...

A fine dinner with expensive wine...

I’d tell you how beautiful you look...

Lend you my fav’rite book...

But I’m not into you, so you’re off the hook!!! So...

Let’s just be friends!

I’m having a rough patch you see.

My fiancee cheated on me!

It was not a fling.

Not a one time thing.

She gave back the ring!

I had to move out, And now my whole future’s in doubt.

If you wouldn’t mind here, Please let’s be kind here.

I must confess now, I’m just a mess now, And as I’ve spoken, I am too heartbroken to start anything now.

So trust me, we must be, Let’s just be friends, somehow.

STEPHANIE reluctantly nods her head. They shake. Blackout.

FADE OUT LIGHTS UP Scene 3 - Lili’s Presenation LILI enters. A graph showing the divorce rate growth over the last thirty years appears on the screen.

LILI

Hello. As you know, I have been working on a study of gender inequality in today’s culture. I am aware that is a topic for most, or all, of us in this class. Today I want to look at it from the marital perspective.

Nationally, one in two marriages end in divorce. I mean, so why try? Anyway. If this is the national average, then it would state that we are living a culture of divorce. This means that we socially define (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

LILI (cont’d) marriage as optional. However, my mother does not.

Anyway. If marriage is optional and social norms state that your betting average is fifty/fifty, why do all these people keep doing it? I mean, I can’t even find a decent straight guy who can carry a conversation.

Anyone?

SCENE 4 - 1 Month Later - Bar CHRIS stands at a bar watching the TV. RYAN enters carrying two beers. He hands one to CHRIS. RYAN

So. How’s it been?

CHRIS Like a month of Wednesdays.

RYAN

At least everyday is hump day!

CHRIS Maybe for you.

RYAN

CHRIS

RYAN CHRIS RYAN CHRIS

No. The passion is gone. The moment you move in with someone, it just dies. I should never have moved in with Jerry. At first, I thought his singing in the shower was cute. It’s not. He’s tone-deaf. I have also discovered it’s not isolated to the shower. He sings all the time. He walks around, singing normal conversations to me. Then, he gets furious and annoyed at the people who live upstairs for making noise. He looks to the ceiling. "STOP WALKING SO HEAVY!". I cannot deal with all the "little" things.

I don’t agree. You know, I loved all of Allison’s little quirks.

Really, is cheating a quirk?

Wow. Thanks for that.

I warned you about her.

This is not the time for an "I told you so".

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

RYAN CHRIS RYAN

10.

Sorry. At least you can take the ring back.

It was my grandmother’s ring.

I always thought that was bad luck. Like it lost its power.

CHRIS Interesting point. My parents had talked about me giving this ring to the right girl my whole life.

Pressure. Maybe it was the ring. But really I just was done with the whole thing. The games. The pickup lines.

Condoms. I thought she was the one.

RYAN CHRIS RYAN

Right. And then she found another one.

Why are we still friends?

I have no idea.

He looks back at CHRIS.

CHRIS What are you going to do?

RYAN

I have no idea.

CHRIS I know! Get a job!

RYAN CHRIS

Die. Here’s to honesty!

They drink.

RYAN I am in debt beyond reason. I am stuck paying a fortune in student loans. My degree has been rendered useless.

I cannot go back to teaching. I had to put up with those evil bastards. When I saw them huddled in corners between class, I just knew they were scheming to plot and plan my demise.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

CHRIS RYAN CHRIS

11.

It was kindergarten.

I always thought they were talking about me.

They were five. Maybe you should go back to being a tutor. You helped me through calc.

RYAN I only tutored through college to be around all the straight boys.

CHRIS

RYAN

CHRIS RYAN CHRIS RYAN

CHRIS

RYAN

Fine. Then come and work with me. We could really use the help. You should see the people they have been bringing in. Awful.

Seventy thousand dollars of debt to be a... cater waiter. Then, where am I going to live?

I am sure Lili’s couch is always an option.

Can you imagine all four of us living together?

It would be nice to have a buffer between those two.

Stephanie is crazy. Lili is great, but she is tough.

She’s been really angry since I moved out. She won’t speak to me.

She is as scary now as she was back in college. At least she dropped the goth girl thing. That was really scary.

Goth chick Lili. Yeah. Then there was hippie Lili. Sexy Lili. Harajuku Lili. That was the worst. Ain’t NO hollaback girl. When I met her she was Britney Lili. I miss her. She was fun. When I took her to the prom, she was Gossip Girl Lili. My parents were so proud. She was a totally different girl back then. You wouldn’t believe it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

CHRIS RYAN

12.

So you ruined her.

I did not. Well, I did not mean to. For a while I thought: "I can fake this."

SCENE 5 - Haven’t You Noticed?

Prom Night. LILI enters as Gossip Girl Lili dressed in a Blair Waldorf like outfit. Ryan puts on a tux coat. He opens the car door for her then goes around and gets in the drivers seat. Lili tries to make advances. Ryan deflects. Lili tries again with more effort. Ryan deflects again. On the third try Ryan sings.

RYAN

I have something to tell you.

Please sit down and try to stay calm...

Haven’t you noticed... show tunes are the music I choose?

LILI

When we are married... our first wedding dance will be "I could’ve danced all night!"

RYAN Haven’t you noticed... how I always notice new shoes?

LILI

RYAN LILI

RYAN

When we are married... you can double check that all my new shoes fit just right!

Haven’t you noticed... Tom Cruise is my fantasy?

When we are married... we can put his picture on our wedding invitations!

Haven’t you noticed... my favorite TV show is Glee?

LILI When we are married... we’ll hire an acappella group to sing congratulations!

RYAN

Haven’t you noticed... I can be a big drama queen?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

LILI

13.

When we are married... everyone feels deeply and has moments that are heightened!

RYAN Haven’t you noticed... I have my own yoga routine?

LILI

RYAN LILI

RYAN

When we are married... you can give me pointers on how to be enlightened!

Haven’t you noticed... I love to imitate dance?

When we are married... we can mamba, samba, ramba - two peas in a pod!

Haven’t you noticed... I don’t want to get in your pants?

LILI When we are married... finally you can cease this old romantic, chaste facade!

Lili begins making advances again RYAN I always swoon at my reflection, I have a Beyonce collection!

I sing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" at Karaoke...

And when guys are around, I get kind of pokey...

During the counterpoint Lili tries to make out with Ryan eventually causing Ryan and Lili to switch places as song continues.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

RYAN

14.

Haven’t you noticed... showtunes are the music I choose?

Haven’t you noticed... how I always notice new shoes?

Haven’t you noticed...

Tom Cruise is my fantasy?

Haven’t you noticed... my favorite TV show is Glee?

Haven’t you noticed...

I can be a big drama queen?

Haven’t you noticed...

I have my own yoga routine?

Haven’t you noticed...

I love to imitate dance?

Haven’t you noticed...

I don’t want to get in your pants?

LILI

When we are married... our first wedding dance will be "I could’ve danced all night!"

When we are married... you can double check that all my new shoes fit just right!

When we are married... we can put his picture on our wedding invitations!

When we are married...

We’ll hire an acappella group to sing congratulations!

When we are married... everyone feels deeply and has moments that are heightened!

When we are married... you’ll do laundry, vacuum and can keep the toilet whitened!

When we are married... we can mamba, samba, ramba - two peas in a pod!

When we are married... finally you can cease this old romantic, chaste facade!

RYAN What I’m trying to say... is... I’m... GAY!!!!!

LILI

So, we both like boys! HURRAY!!!!

Lili finally pounces as lights out.

LIGHTS DIM Scene 6 - 1 Week Later LILI is at work. STEPHANIE is seated at her bar.

LILI LAST CALL!

(CONTINUED)