THE SPECTACULARLY LAMENTABLE TRIAL OF MIZ MARTHA WASHINGTON (excerpt) by James Ijames

William begins to jump up and down on the bed.

Excuse me… Stop. Stop that! Stop that jumping! What are you doing here?

WILLIAM. You dreaming.

MARTHA. Dreaming?

WILLIAM. Yep! Dreeeeeeamin’. S’why I’m here. Guess we got a while to be free then, I reckon. Where Massa Washin’ton?

MARTHA. Passed away. Could you please stop jumping on my bed.

WILLIAM. Yes. MARTHA. Thank you.

WILLIAM. He in Heaven?

MARTHA. Who? WILLIAM. Massa Washin’ton.

MARTHA. Oh…wellyes. He is.

WILLIAM. Thankful he’s there.

MARTHA. That’s a good boy.

WILLIAM. I’m just waitin’ on you.

MARTHA. Me? WILLIAM. Dey say…when you die, we gonna get our freedom.

MARTHA. Who is they?

WILLIAM. Everybody.

MARTHA. They say that?

WILLIAM. Yes’em. Say Massa Washin’ton put in his will when you die we gonna get free. ’Sthat true?

MARTHA. Yes. But… How did you find out about— WILLIAM. —We know everything. So…we jus’ waitin’.

MARTHA. Well…that is the state of things.

WILLIAM. Suppose so.

Beat…

You my…Auntie Granny, ain’t you?

MARTHA. What?

WILLIAM. My auntie granny. My momma is yo’ sister. My daddy 13

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is yo’ son. That makes you my auntie granny. Complicated ain’t it.

Beat.

MARTHA. You gave me a start.

WILLIAM. ’Pologies.

MARTHA. What are you doing in here?

WILLIAM. Thought tuh keep yuh comp’ny.

MARTHA. Where is your mother?

WILLIAM. Tell yuh’ah story?

MARTHA. Pardon?

WILLIAM. Tell you…a story?

MARTHA. What kind?

WILLIAM. American.

MARTHA. I’m the Mother of America, you know.

WILLIAM. Oh Yeah?

MARTHA. Yes. WILLIAM. Then…it’s…Yo’ story.

MARTHA. …Yes… WILLIAM. Where tuh start?

MARTHA. At the beginning.

William tells this story. Never looks at Martha. Still playing.

Very much by rote. Then the words become more uncontrollable, like he can’t contain them. The performance quality should be like a Southern Pentecostal preacher.

Certain words/phrases in William’s speech should affect the people downstairs. Perhaps they vocalize. Call-and-response style. Amen Corner. Perhaps they move in time with the text.

It should feel both deeply truthful and terrifically abnormal.

WILLIAM. Big big big bang. God Banging on the darkness. Fire.

Then Water. Then Ice. Dry land pushing up from the sea. Breaking.

Quaking. Resting. Creepy crawlin’ thangs up from the deep. On land. Then man. Black. Wandering over the ice. Becoming pale, light. Brown, White, and Red. Apache, Cherokee, Sioux, Delaware, Algonquin, Choctaw, Mohegan, Iroquois, long distance, Three Ships, 14

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Columbus, Smallpox Blankets and scalping and war dances, The Dutch, The African, The English, Roanoke, Virginia, Jamestown, The Spanish, The French, The Puritans, Plymouth, Great Awakening, Winter rain, Maize at Thanksgiving, Taxes…no new taxes…tea parties. Philadelphia. Revolution, New Nation, Cotton, Tobacco, Slavery, Slavery and the Cotton Gin, more Slavery, Baseball, Swing Low Sweet Chariot, Civil War, Emancipation, Kill the President, Reconstruction. Jim Crow. Great Migrations, The Irish, The Russian, The Italian, The Pole, The Jew. Steam, Electricity, and Steel, Robber Barons, Old Negro, Prohibition, New Negro, Jazz, Organized Crime, World Wars One, Two, maybe three, The Suburb, The Ghetto, The Puerto Rican, The Asian, The Russians, Cold Wars, Civil Rights, Four Little Girls Dancing in the Street, The Beatles, Kill the President and his brother, Kill the King, Riots in the streets, Watergates and Vietnam, Soul Train, Disco, Punk Rock, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Hip-hop, Reagan, Silicon Valleys, and oh, the Bushes, Oh the Clintons, The Bushes again, 9/11, Katrina, Oh Oh Oh OBAMA. Who got next!

THE CHORUS. Amen!

MARTHA. Amen!

William runs away. Martha follows him downstairs. Martha enters the kitchen.

WILLIAM. You ready? Watch this!

William disappears. In the kitchen we see the two female black slaves, Priscilla and Doll. Priscilla is 30, pretty, medium height, with skin the color of milk chocolate, very pretty. Doll is 20, fair-skinned, medium build, busty and attractive…not as “pretty” as Priscilla. They are dressed in neat dresses. Things they have made for themselves. Priscilla is polishing silverware. Doll is mending. Ann enters and begins stirring a pot.

They should feel a bit like the Fates…one spinning, one measuring, one cutting… Controllers of this house. Doll and Priscilla sing in harmony. A childlike clap-song. Think “Miss Mary Mack.” Martha watches this. She can see them but they can’t see her. Priscilla and Doll should sound like church ladies gossiping on the phone. Sweet-sounding, unrelenting, and judgmental.

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PRISCILLA and DOLL. (Singing.)

It won’t be long, ’til we be free.

Massa Washington dead, he done give us de key.

Missus Washington sick in bed.

Don’t have to wait on heaven, ’cause soon you will be.

Dead Uncle Fred. Bumped his water head.

Sister Wister got a bloody blister.

Missus Washington, you got the duckets.

Go on do us a favor and kick the bucket.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Pluckit.

MARTHA. My word!

DOLL. Putting her away tonight.

PRISCILLA. Yes indeed. How you think we gonna do it?

DOLL. Can’t know ’til it’s time.

PRISCILLA. True True.

DOLL. Did you see her yesterday.

PRISCILLA. Did I? How could’a’miss her?

DOLL. Po’ thang.

PRISCILLA. Shame. Cryin’ shame.

DOLL. Bless her heart.

PRISCILLA. Cain’t hardly stand up straight.

DOLL. How long ya reckon?

PRISCILLA. Couple days, I ’spect!

MARTHA. My lord!

PRISCILLA. No…no surely not that long. Any minute now… You. Watch…any second now, we gone hear the death rattle. You know how that sounds right?

DOLL. No. PRISCILLA. Like a chicken choking.

DOLL. When you been choking chickens?

PRISCILLA. What you know ’bout what I do?

DOLL. Been knowin’ you all my life…well?

PRISCILLA. Well what?

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DOLL. What’s it sound like?

PRISCILLA. Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzuhhhhhhg gggggrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeelllllllllllluuuuuuhhhhhhh…

Cough.

You know… Like dat.

Priscilla and Doll…fully aware of what they are doing…

Then they look at each other, wink, then carry on with their game. Perhaps it gets a little louder…like they are playing for Martha.

DOLL. Really?

PRISCILLA. Uh huh.

DOLL. Sho nuf?

PRISCILLA. Sho nuf.

DOLL. No. PRISCILLA. Hand ta God. MARTHA. They’re taking bets on my soul.

PRISCILLA. Shhhhhhhhhhhh…

DOLL. What?

PRISCILLA. Hear that?

Martha covers her mouth.

DOLL. What?

PRISCILLA. Child I thought she was up there rattlin’ already.

DOLL. Girl you scared me.

PRISCILLA. You just never know when yo’ ship gonna come rollin’ in.

DOLL. That’ll be a great gettin’-up morning.

PRISCILLA. Yessiree…any day now…we gonna hear that old fossil hit the floor.

DOLL. Hope not in the sitting room. Such pretty rugs…messing them rugs up with her excrement.

PRISCILLA. What’s that?

DOLL. What’s what?

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PRISCILLA. Excrement.

DOLL. When the body dies…shit’s gotta go somewhere. All the muscles release…piss and shit yourself when you die.

PRISCILLA. (Not a question…epiphany.) Huh… Dying ain’t pretty.

DOLL. Sho ain’t. It’s smelly and messy.

PRISCILLA. Hmmm.

DOLL. Ruin those rugs. I’m gonna take one…put it in my new house…

Massa promised us houses and book learning when we get free… I’m gonna take one of them rugs…just what I need.

PRISCILLA. You know…that makes a lot of sense.

DOLL. Huh, I know.

PRISCILLA. Yes…indeed…any day now.

Martha runs back up to her room. She continues to listen.

DOLL. Suppose’n she don’t?

Beat.

PRISCILLA. Don’t what?

DOLL. Ride the chariot?

PRISCILLA. Say what?

DOLL. Lay down her burdens?

PRISCILLA. Whatchutalkinbout?

DOLL. Down by the river side?

PRISCILLA. Say what?

DOLL. Walk the streets of Zion?

PRISCILLA. Huh? DOLL. Keep up! Throw off this mortal coil? Give up the ghost?

Cue the violins? Fat lady singing?

PRISCILLA. I don’t— DOLL. —Die, Child, Die. PRISCILLA. (Immediately.) Ohahgetit!

From her bedroom Martha calls to Ann. MARTHA. Annie! Ann could you come up here!

The following should be vicious and full with malice. Rapid18

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fire, this portion should live in the realm of light-hearted gossip and then be transported to Genet-esque darkness, resolving itself into gentle razzing by the end. These women are busybodies. They have all the gossip.

PRISCILLA. That time again.

DOLL. She calling for you Ann. Better go turn her…so she don’t get bedsores on her ass.

PRISCILLA. Wouldn’t want that.

DOLL. No siree.

MARTHA. Annie!

PRISCILLA and DOLL. (Mocking, echoing, lifting.) Annie! Annie!

Annie!

DOLL. Jus’ listen at her. No shame. ’Fiwasyou…I’d let her sit in her own piss.

PRISCILLA. I know that’s right.

DOLL. She gonna need to get used to it.

PRISCILLA. Mmmmm hmmm DOLL. Let her roll around in her piss for a while.

PRISCILLA. Huh, not Ann child please…she loves her some Mrs. Martha.

PRISCILLA and DOLL. (Thunderous unison.) CHILD YES! DOLL. I don’t see-howyadoit.

PRISCILLA. Been doing it since she was a baby.

DOLL. From what I hear…that little one of hers is Massa Jack’s?

PRISCILLA. Lil Willie?

DOLL. Yeah girl!

PRISCILLA. He do look like him.

DOLL. Sho do.

They both look at Ann. Ann continues to stir her pot.

ANN. Ain’t nobody ever got nowhere minding somebody else business.

PRISCILLA. Whoooooo Weeee…I guess she fixed me. She think she a regular part of the Washington family dontcha Ann? 19

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DOLL. That could not be me, honey. NoMa’amNoMa’am.

PRISCILLA. It’ll all be over after while. Shoot, she don’t do herself in…I might take the mind to blow on the heifer a little too hard at the top of the stairs.

DOLL. Child, you crazy!

PRISCILLA. I Know Right!

DOLL. You say you gonna blow on her?

PRISCILLA. Good stiff wind’ll do her some good.

PRISCILLA and DOLL. (Thunderous unison.) GIRL! HUH! PRISCILLA. Good stiff wind.

DOLL. You needa stop.

PRISCILLA. Don’tcha think? She liable to pass wind and knock her own self down.

Beat. They consider this.

They laugh! Ann is silent. The laughter is hectic and furious!

It builds…dies…ERUPTS again…builds, builds, builds, and slowly extinguishes itself.

PRISCILLA and DOLL. (Variously.) Whew…child… Honey, honey… child. Whew. Lawd.

PRISCILLA. That was funny.

DOLL. Yes it was.

PRISCILLA. Think I pulled a muscle in my belly.

PRISCILLA and DOLL. (Thunderous unison.) CHILD YES! A beat…they look at Ann, who is still stirring her pot. Unmoved.

PRISCILLA. Well.

DOLL. Guess Ann didn’t find it funny.

PRISCILLA. Guess not…

DOLL. You know how they do.

PRISCILLA. Suppose so.

DOLL. You better go on, Ann. PRISCILLA. Uh huh… Go on.

Without looking at the women, Ann wipes her hands on her 20

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apron. In this dream I imagine Ann is a little like Florence from The Jeffersons. Funny but sharp tongued. Ann heads upstairs to Martha’s room. Martha hears her coming. Ann’s footsteps thunder through the house. Martha rushes back to her bed. Jumps in…less like an elderly woman…more like a six-year-old that is playing sick from school and is on the verge of being caught out of bed. She covers herself up to her neck in the blankets. The top blanket should look a bit like an American flag…not red white and blue…not too on the nose…but close enough that we get the point.

ANN. Yes? MARTHA. Can I have some water?

ANN. There…on the table.

Ann begins to leave.

MARTHA. It’s warm. Get some cool spring water.

Ann does not move.

Ann? ANN. (Amused, not angry.) You know…I don’t feel like going down to the spring ma’am. I don’t think I’mma go.

MARTHA. But…it’s what I want.

ANN. You old enough for your wants to hurt, ain’t you?

MARTHA. (Shocked.) Ann! ANN. Ma’am!

MARTHA. Do as I say.

ANN. No. Ann sits on Martha’s bed.

MARTHA. What?

ANN. Get it ya damn self! I’m tired.

MARTHA. Why Ann Dandridge you are being insolent!

ANN. That’s a biiiiiiiig expensive word Martha.

MARTHA. You address me as Mrs. Washington! Not— ANN. Say Maaaartha… Answer me something yeah? Did you know my daddy?

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MARTHA. No. ANN. I think you did.

MARTHA. I didn’t know your father Ann. ANN. When I was little. Your daddy bought me a little doll. Little cloth doll with yarn-sewn x’s for eyes. Like she was dead. Pretty little doll. Had a blue and white and red calico dress. Little stars sewn on the tail of the skirt. I still have it. Why you think he bought me that doll? Hmmm? I called it Martha. Used to slide little sewing needles in the eyes and in the neck and in between the toes. Did you know that? Ever wake up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in your belly!

MARTHA. I am…your mistress.

ANN. That used to be soooo satisfying. Tell me about Daddy Martha…it’s fine…we family right?

MARTHA. My father has nothing to do with you Annie.

ANN. Perhaps not…but he had to do with my momma. Was he nice? Did he give you kisses? Buy you candies? Buy you dolls?

MARTHA. Are you insinuating something immoral about my father?

ANN. Yes ma’am! I sho’liz.

MARTHA. Don’t you ask me about him again.

ANN. If that’s the way you want it…Miiiiizzzz Washin’ton.

Ann rises and begins to exit.

MARTHA. (Flexing her ownership.) Is it cold in here to you? I’m freezing.

ANN. You cold?

MARTHA. Yes. ANN. Want more blankets?

MARTHA. Yes, more blankets.

ANN. Want more firewood?

MARTHA. Marvelous idea, Annie.

ANN. Not too much…don’t want to set the house a’fire.

Beat.

MARTHA. What?

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