THE APOLOGY TOUR (excerpt) by Ellen Doyle

"The Apology Tour"

By Ellen Doyle

Ellensdoyle1@gmail.com

ii.

CAST: Catherine

Late forties. Witty, beautiful, sometimes phony, gracious to a fault. Amazing posture, always dressed up.

Bridgette

Late forties. Funny. Very blonde. A big woman. Never married.

No kids, loves kids.

Danny

Late forties. No nonsense. College professor, divorced. Three adult aged kids. Has a beleaguered quality.

Alma

Late forties. Artsy. Centered. Gay. Easy to laugh. No kids never wanted any. Latinx.

Matthew

13. Catherine's only son. Sweet, no sass. Odd in a good way.

Wears nerd t-shirt like "I Cheated on the Turing Test."

Going through an awkward phase physically.

Bob Truly:

Late forties. Gentle. Solid citizen.

Setting: Scottsdale Arizona, 30th high school reunion.

A group of women, friends since childhood, are staying at Catherine's home in Scottsdale, AZ. Catherine's modern house sits on Camelback mountain, has glass windows and overlooks the twinkly lights of the city.

Lighting will dictate when we see people in the kitchen and when we don't.

A fountain on the patio provides ambient bubbling.

SCENE ONE The Living Room. The front door opens, CATHERINE, ALMA, BRIDGETTE and DANNY enter.

Bridgette is buzzed.

CATHERINE --Also it was hot in there. Was it hot?

BRIDGETTE (tipsy loud) Yes, I was sweating like a pig. Sorry. Glowing like a pig.

CATHERINE At one point, I asked that assistant manager, Gary, to turn up the A/C. He said he did, but I know he didn’t. I finally snuck over to change the thermostat but he caught me.

Assistant manager Gary gave me a righteous scolding. Also I had asked them last week to add another bartender but, of course, they didn’t. It took way too long to get a drink.

BRIDGETTE Speaking of which, I’m going to grab another beer. Anyone else want a beer?

CATHERINE No, Bridgette, we’re now into the non-drinking portion of the evening.

BRIDGETTE Someone has to keep the party going. Let’s put some music on.

CATHERINE No, no music. I’m afraid you’ll force me to dance. No dancing.

BRIDGETTE No dancing? You’re like the mayor in Footloose.

She goes into the kitchen. The lights are down, we can’t see her in there.

CATHERINE Tonight was a complete dud.

2.

DANNY It was fine. Stop beating yourself up. You always do this and it’s tedious.

CATHERINE Tedious? Thanks for that.

DANNY Like our spa weekend last year. What was it? Tahoe?

ALMA No, Tahoe was two years ago. Santa Fe-DANNY You’re still bitching about Santa Fe. Let it go.

CATHERINE Ugh. That fucking resort! Gave me PTSD. They should have told me they were under construction when I booked it.

ALMA You’re such a drama queen. Santa Fe was great. The food scene. My god.

CATHERINE The damn pools were way too crowded. Oh, and remember? There was that pack of wild dogs running around in the hills at night howling? I felt the employee attempts to chase them off were very half-hearted.

DANNY They were coyotes.

CATHERINE Pfft. Coyotes. Wild dogs. Same difference.

ALMA Catherine, everyone had a lovely time tonight. We were all just happy to see each other and catch up. Relax.

CATHERINE Also, you guys didn’t mingle. I asked you to do one damn thing.

DANNY Catherine. We mingled.

3.

CATHERINE No, you didn’t. You sat together all evening in a little clique. I did all the heavy conversation lifting. I’m practically hoarse from exchanging fake pleasantries.

Bridgette comes back in with a beer.

CATHERINE Use a coaster, Bridg.

BRIDGETTE (loud) Coasters are for people who put their beer down.

CATHERINE Shhh, Matthew’s asleep.

MATTHEW (OFF STAGE) No, I’m not!

CATHERINE Fucking glass house, you can hear everything. NIGHT HONEY! Go to sleep.

MATTHEW (OFF STAGE) OKAY. Catherine gets up and shuts the hallway door.

BRIDGETTE Well I, for one, thought tonight was grand and I can’t wait to see who shows up tomorrow night. Which reminds me, is Marky Fresco coming?

CATHERINE No, he never responded. We couldn’t find him.

BRIDGETTE Sophomore year I made out with him, let him put his hand down my shirt. He lied and told all the boys he fingered me.

DANNY Asshole.

BRIDGETTE Right? Hopefully he’s dead. Or even better, working at a Liquor Barn in Tempe. Anyway, everyone was quite complimentary about my hair and my dress tonight.

4.

DANNY It’s because of your amazing BOOBS in your fetching new dress.

ALMA Yes you were very BOOBALICIOUS tonight. BOOBS A PLENTY.

BRIDGETTE Hey. Took a lot of effort to get my ta tas into this dress. Had to use a winch.

ALMA And kudos on the name tags, Catherine. Cause the men looked like something you’d find in the alley.

DANNY Yes, the women looked much better than the men.

ALMA Too many fillers and botox if you ask me. And Catherine please send me those pictures you took. I didn’t take any.

DANNY Me too. I’m a terrible photographer. Someone always has a pole coming out of their head.

Danny bends down to take off her shoes.

ALMA Danny, I saw you with Bob Truly over in the corner. Deep in conversation. What were you discussing?

BRIDGETTE Okay now, Bob. He looked good. Even better than high school. Slimmed down. Still got all his hair -- which is my only metric for attractiveness in older men.

CATHERINE Yes, Danny, was there some kind of latent spark? He’s unencumbered, as they say.

BRIDGETTE Unencumbered? No one says that.

Danny glances up. Everyone is looking at her.

DANNY (matter of fact) Oh. I apologized to him.

ALMA Apologized? For what?

5.

DANNY For bullying him.

CATHERINE Are you kidding? You apologized to Bob Truly?

BRIDGETTE For bullying him?

DANNY Yes. CATHERINE Why? DANNY Jesus. Take it down a notch. Because I felt like it.

CATHERINE What’d you say?

DANNY (sincere) I don’t know... at some point, I approached him and we talked about his wife for a bit. Apparently he lost her to breast cancer a couple of years ago. Sounded brutal-ALMA Ah, that’s too bad.

DANNY He has a niece at Columbia -- but she’s a chem major. Don’t know her.

BRIDGETTE I thought you were chemistry?

DANNY No. Biology. For, over twenty five years, Bridgette. Wow. BRIDGETTE Biology. Chemistry. All under the “science” umbrella -- finish your story.

6.

DANNY So then I said, “Bob, if memory serves me correctly, I’m pretty sure we tortured you in elementary school.”

ALMA Seriously?

DANNY And then he said, “Yeah, you did. AND middle school.”

ALMA Ho ho NO! BRIDGETTE BUSTED. DANNY And then I said, “Well, I want you to know that I’ve thought about you many times over the years... about how awful we were to you.” And he goes, “Yeah, you used to tease me for being overweight, made fun of me for my big ears. Called me Dumbo.”

ALMA No, that was Catherine. You never did.

CATHERINE Shut up, I didn’t call him Dumbo.

DANNY Yes, you did.

BRIDGETTE Can I smoke?

CATHERINE No! BRIDGETTE What if I open the doors?

CATHERINE Fine. Go outside, bitch. And don’t fall off that patio, I don’t need a lawsuit.

BRIDGETTE YOUR HUSBAND IS A LAWYER.

7.

Bridgette opens the doors to the patio, steps outside and lights a cigarette. The fountain bubbles.

ALMA What else?

BRIDGETTE Yes, what else? This is fucking awesome.

DANNY And then I said, “Well, whatever I did or didn’t do, I’m truly sorry. And I hope you can forgive me.”

Pause.

ALMA How’d he react?

DANNY Actually he seemed pretty overwhelmed. Got a little emotional. I did too. Then he thanked me. Said it meant a lot to him. Then we hugged.

CATHERINE You hugged? I didn’t see you hugging. Where, by the bar?

DANNY Yes. Are you doubting that we hugged?

CATHERINE No. I’m just saying I didn’t see it.

BRIDGETTE We need proof! I’ll call assistant manager Gary tomorrow and ask if he witnessed the hug.

DANNY Honestly? I feel like it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Silence. The women all absorb this.

ALMA You know what? I think it’s beautiful. I really do. That took a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that.

8.

BRIDGETTE I agree. Super impressed. Way to go.

CATHERINE So. Danny. Tell me. What exactly possessed you to do it tonight?

Danny thinks about it.

DANNY I don’t know. I saw him standing there with a group of people... he looked like he was having such a good time. Laughing -- smiling. You know how some people look like they did when they were kids? Bob’s like that. Still has those crinkly smiley eyes. I had this wave of tenderness towards him and I felt like I wanted to do it -- so I did.

Catherine stands.

CATHERINE Well. I’m sure it was all very lovely and you’re all well on the road to healing. But, sorry doesn’t mean anything anymore. Way too easy. We say it for everything and it’s been rendered hollow. Also, teasing was normal back then. We weren’t that bad.

ALMA Please. We were awful.

CATHERINE No, we weren’t. And we didn’t have non-stop day and night bullying seminars like Matthew and his generation. We didn’t know any better.

DANNY Well, we do now. And that’s why I apologized.

ALMA Is that true? We didn’t know any better? Pretty sure we didCATHERINE And now, of course, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. We’re breeding a generation of kids that are way too sensitive. Thin skinned. Offended by everything.

DANNY That’s ridiculous. Matthew is sensitive. It’s one of his best things. You always say that.

ALMA Does Matthew get bullied?

9.

CATHERINE No. From what I can tell he’s developed the awesome and formidable skill of flying below the radar. He does have a little trouble making friends, but we’re working on it.

DANNY (laughing) You’re working on it? Together? He must love that.

CATHERINE As a matter of fact he does.

She goes toward the kitchen.

CATHERINE Goddamnit Bridgette, stop tapping your ashes on the balcony. You expect me to clean that up? What am I, a charwoman?

BRIDGETTE Please. Like you’ve ever come within six inches of a dust pan.

Catherine exits into the kitchen. We can’t see her in there.

DANNY Bob was fun. He’s a little weird though. Not on social media, doesn’t have a cell phone.

BRIDGETTE Bob Truly doesn’t have a cell phone? Is he some kind of luddite?

DANNY No, he’s just actively against them. Calls them electronic leashes.

BRIDGETTE Lame.

ALMA Oh come on, we didn’t have cell phones. Life wasn’t that bad without them.

DANNY Speak for yourself. I love texting. Not having to actually talk to people on the phone is amazing. Best invention ever.

ALMA Okay, that’s true. Yes. MATTHEW comes from the hallway.

10.

ALMA Hi, Matthew. Cute p.j.’s.

MATTHEW Thanks!

He goes into the kitchen.

DANNY Remember we used to have to look everything up at the library? (to Alma) Do people even use public libraries anymore? How do you even still have a job?

ALMA Actually they’re more popular than ever. Millennials have kids now and parents love libraries. Also, we offer classes, language tutoring... it’s pretty cool.

BRIDGETTE “Cool” seems kinda strong, but sure.

Lights down. Lights up in kitchen. Matthew pours a bowl of cereal, Catherine makes coffee.

MATTHEW How was the reunion?

CATHERINE Tonight was actually a cocktail party. At a bar. Like a pre-event. The actual big event, the reunion reunion is tomorrow night. And a picnic on Sunday.

MATTHEW Is Jonathan going?

CATHERINE No, he’s not back from his conference until Sunday night. Come to the picnic. Be my date?

MATTHEW Okay. (puts milk on his cereal) Are you nervous?

CATHERINE No. Why would I be nervous?

MATTHEW When you plan stuff you get nervous. Like that St. Jude gala thing last month. When you were leaving I heard you tell Jonathan you were nervous. You asked for a Xanax.