This Is How We Do This (excerpt) by David Chevrolet Shane

FIFTEEN Please think of the dive-iest dive bar at 3 in the morning.

Or 3 in the afternoon. That’s what this is. But, you know, in the woods.

DANICA Do you know what we need? Right now? A game of charades. Come on. Release the old pressure valve. Pssssssssssst. Who’s in?

SAM I’ll play DANICA Love you, Sam SAM I love you. This is really good drink DANCIA Okay that’s one. Who we got two?

HENRY It’s been a while but I’m game DANICA Henry is game. You’re team Sam. HENRY That means I’m on Sam’s team, right?

DANICA Yes. Who all else is playing? Come on people. It’s game night in the woods April raises her hand DANICA April is playing. Eric?

ERIC Pass DANICA Leo? LEO Why not DANICA Batman?

BATMAN I’m bad at games

DANICA There’s no good or bad in the woods ERIC Can we stop saying something something something and then “in the woods.” They’re just trees.

DANICA So it’s Sam, April and Henry against Leo me and Batman. Team Sam — Prepare to have your asses annihilated BATMAN I like that. Can I have that?

DANICA It’s yours. Okay. Me first!

She throws up four fingers

LEO Four words

One finger

BATMAN Four words LEO First word BATMAN First word LEO Small word BATMAN Small word LEO You don’t have to repeat everything I say BATMAN I’m not Danica gestures theatrically miming something in her hands LEO Conductor. Music!

BATMAN Music conductor!

Danica “points” at the thing she’s gesturing to

LEO The orchestra Danica shakes her head. She gestures instead at her neck LEO Neck!

Danica indicates something around her neck LEO Necklace. Scarf BATMAN Noose. Frontier Justice. Bad man stole your horse Danica gets on her hands and crawls around, points at herself LEO Crawling

BATMAN Begging for mercy

Danica points at herself more vigorously LEO Cow. Dog! DANICA Dog Collar. I’m wearing a Dog Collar!

ERIC SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Danica looks at him. He smiles triumphantly.

Danica points at her neck again.

LEO Collar Danica makes a “sounds like” gesture and “paints” the air again LEO Color!

Danica excitedly points at nose BATMAN Color of your nose. Caucasian LEO No. She’s saying it’s color You get the drill on this side of the page, right?

LEO Second word. Small word Of!

Color of… chopping

BATMAN Disposing the body

cooking cutting something up!

Onions! cutting up onions!

Sounds like Book Page The color of page DANICA OH MY GOD BATMAN, YOU WERE IN IT! BATMAN The Color of Sage!

APRIL Aaaaaand you’re disqualified DANICA You couldn’t stop talking about it! It’s like the one thing we know about you!

SAM It’s true. You don’t talk much BATMAN I talk when I got something to say. And I told you I wasn’t good at games I get anxious DANICA Sorry BATMAN This is why I don’t participate DANICA Sorry. Sorry for yelling. I’m drunk as shit SAM Ditto LEO Ditto

April raises her hand APRIL Drunk.

As.

shit.

HENRY Drunk as a skunk who’s drunk

as… shit

SAM (to Henry) Damn, you’re so cute, bro LEO He’s fifty years too old for you SAM Oh my God. I’m just saying he’s cute. He’s like a big pencil HENRY I never thought of myself like that but I reckon I am APRIL Who needs a top off?

Everyone raises their hands except for Eric, who looks at the kids ERIC I think you’ve both had enough SAM Something something something in the woods, bitch BATMAN You know what’s funny, though? I was just thinking about it. The Color of Sage? On account of this is like my slave girl jug APRIL Hold on. Hold up. New idea.

Change of plans Forget charades! No more charades. We’re reenacting the orgy scene from the Color of Sage BATMAN Okay APRIL FUCK Charades.

DANICA What are you talking about? What is she talking about?

ERIC

I don’t fucking know, Danica. I don’t know why they say anything that comes out of their mouths. I don’t understand anything that’s happening here. (gestures in front of him) In this area. (off the wine, to Henry) What is this again?

LANCE Elderberry Wine ERIC You said Strawberry wine. Before LANCE Did I? SAM I feel like everybody has like the saddest life. Like in their heads APRIL Lance, we’re drinking hallucinogenics?

LANCE No. I mean. There are properties. IF this is Elderberry. I’m 99 and 9 tenths sure it’s not BATMAN I want some connection with y’all. I want to orgy with y’all APRIL If you put pasta and anti-pasta on the same plate, would you blow up the kitchen? That’s a joke. Is it a joke? I’m gonna cry. Somebody fuck me like an animal. Lance?

LANCE Not feeling it, April Showers. Maybe Henry would like to fuck you like an animal?

APRIL Henry?

HENRY What?

APRIL Would you like to fuck me like an animal?

HENRY I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought about it ERIC What is happening?

LEO They’re swingers Dad, right Mom? DANICA They’re not comfortable with that label. But I mean…

APRIL Enough talking! Danica, you’re the queen. Eric, you’re the slave girl she impregnated ERIC We’re not having an orgy!

LANCE The kids can sit this one out if that’s what you’re worried about ERIC I’m going to bed. We’re shoving off early you two SAM I fuck Gabe Eric does a spit take. I’d like to think this play was too elevated for that kind of bullshit but I don’t think it is.

SAM I fuck him a lot. I fuck the shit out of him. Pretty much every time you take a nap Dad So you can imagine how much fucking that is. Talk about some low hanging fruit DANICA Nice Eric. Great parenting APRIL What about this? While Henry’s deciding whether he wants a piece of this (indicates herself) and I will add, as a side bar, Henry, that I could melt you into a puddle of sweat, emulsified sugar and semen. But putting that aside, parking that, how about this — Lance — you’re the Senate eunuch LANCE Pretty sure that’s not a thing APRIL Just go with it LANCE. And Eric is the whatchamacallit - the Emperor — fuck I have early onset - what do they call the Roman Emperor?

LEO The Emperor SAM Caesar, bro

LEO Sam the expert on everything SAM Don’t get mad at me because I know more than you do LEO Doesn’t mean you’re smarter DANICA Guys

APRIL I’m just setting up the power dynamics. That’s the fun stuff. Eric is the most powerful person in the kingdom…

SAM Republic APRIL I don’t care Sam! Leo’s right. You’re annoying. And Lance, you’re nothing. peon. And Eric can do whatever he wants with you BATMAN Can I fuck y’all with my cowl on?

APRIL Yes, sweetie BATMAN Don’t call me Sweetie.

ERIC What are you doing?

BATMAN Making myself naked ERIC Not in front of my kids you’re not BATMAN My bad. I thought we said they was cool DANICA Why is Eric the Emperor?

You’re a fucking

APRIL You want to be the Emperor?

DANICA I am the fucking Emperor.

ERIC Sam. Why don’t call you call it a night?

APRIL Oh let her stay Eric, you big goof. You big goofy stick in the mud. Let them both stay. Your kids are so much bigger than your tiny idea of them. They are vast. They are expansive. If you’d just let them expand.

ERIC I should let my kids expand?

LEO YES

SAM YES

DANICA YES

ERIC Is that what you do with “your” Bobby Lee? APRIL Among other things ERIC So where is he?

APRIL I told you you. He’s/// ERIC //walking. No I know. It’s just that everybody’s always talking about him and I never got to meet him.

I’m beginning to think he’s Paul Bunyon or Sasquatch or whatever.

APRIL He’s exploring. He loves these woods. Wants to know every inch of them.

LANCE What did he say to me once?

(Chuckling) “Dad, I’m gonna suck the marrow out of the bones of these trees.”

APRIL He’s as big one! Big, strapping, beautiful boy. So I’m sorry you are missing him.

I’d show you a picture but we’re not in the habit of taking them. We do mind snaps. (gestures to her forehead) Up here

LANCE If you don’t let your kids take charge of their lives, they’ll only grow into adults who lack the confidence to make their way in this world DANICA Thank you!

SAM Yeah. Thank you. That’s why I stopped sharing my location DANICA You turn that back on or you’re grounded SAM Fucking hypocrite LANCE Couldn’t track him if we wanted to. He can soft walk with the best of em. Heel first.

Henry taught him. (mock sarcasm) Thanks Henry!

LEO I can teach you how to do that. The soft walk. I’m pretty good at it.

SAM I’d be into that ERIC How long are these walks?

APRIL Oh Gosh. Days. Sometimes. Sometimes weeks. He always comes back with a smile and some presents for his proud parents. We came out for him and I guess he just likes to repay us in small ways.

LANCE He made this bracelet for me APRIL He built us a Yurt!

APRIL With your help !

LANCE And yours! We’re a unit, we three. Tho’ we do like to give him him his space ERIC So he can expand