War of the Tots

Griffin Pototschnik

Age 10

War of the Tots

On a totally normal day, Ugly Potato Stinklefink was farming some potatoes. He always did this on the third week of every month. He would water them every week and give them plenty of sunlight. Then, he would sit in his house and wash his tentacles. This was what he was doing on the day his life changed forever. The doorbell rang. This was very unusual since he lived in the middle of nowhere, and he was very ugly. He went to open the door and found a package. He opened it and inside was some growth spray for . . . POTATOES! Ugly Potato Stinklefink instantly ran straight for his twenty mile garden and sprayed his 17,876,122 potatoes with the spray. He waited the whole day to see if anything would happen. Eventually, he fell asleep outside. He woke up to a huge roar. There was a giant monster made up of a lot of potatoes standing right over him. He quickly ran back into his house and got some weed killer. He sprayed it on the monster, and it started shrieking in pain. Stinklefink ran away toward a village forty miles west of there. Along the way, he found a lot of TNT (don’t ask me why), so he exploded holes in case the monster came back. Eventually, he could see the village and was so happy. As he came closer though, he could see that there was no activity going around outside. There was no one outside. He was confused about this because everytime he walked here to buy his potato seeds, everyone would be out in the streets. He walked into one of the houses, and it was completely empty except for a note. It read: “To anyone who has come to find us (or buy potato seeds), we have left for an island called Massacre Island. They have a lot of Jolly Ranchers there, and Sour Patch Kids who go to the schools. We just thought it was a much better place to live than this place.” Ugly P was so sad. He came to this village every day to buy 5,998 potato seeds, but now they were all gone. He could hear the potato monster coming closer and closer. He could hear its giant footsteps stomping on the trees coming closer and closer. Then, he heard an explosion. It must have been one of the TNT sticks . . . but why would it have gone off so late? Ugly P looked over his shoulder. All of a sudden, his face and neck felt heavy almost like he was balancing a five hundred pound weight on his nose. It was hard to breathe, and every

time he tried, his lungs would fill up with some chemicals. He heard a snap and everything went black.

SOME TIME LATER

The year was now %YRSI*TR. Ugly P woke up and opened his eyes as much as he could (which wasn’t very much) and could hear some doctors talking. “He has been in a coma for five years!” one of them said.

“I heard his face got crushed by a giant potato,” another said. Ugly P raised his head a bit. He could see a mirror in front of him. He looked at his face. HEWASGORGEOUS. He had a huge chin that looked super manly and had flowing brown hair. He looked almost as beautiful as Squidward (if you know, you know). A doctor came rushing in.

“You have been in a coma for five years . . . World War 9999999999999999999999999999 just started, and this is the only hospital left on earth,” she said.

“Wow,” said Ugly P. “I missed that much in five years?”

“Nonono, since you have been living in the middle of nowhere, you had no idea what was happening because nobody informed you about it. WW 9999999999999999999999999998 ended just before you went into a coma.”

Ugly P was obviously shocked. He got up and looked out the window. He could see trees burning and craters everywhere and a bunch of . . . tater tots? There were a bunch of tots holding weapons. “Oh and by the way,” said the doctor, “You were drafted into the war, and you have to go to military base 5061 tomorrow.”

“Wait what?” said Ugly P. He was terrified. He didn’t know how to fight!

“Why don’t you sleep?” said the doctor, “You’re going to have to fight tomorrow.”

TOMORROW

Ugly P woke up early to go to the military base. He drove to it in an army Jeep and slept a bit more on the drive. When he got there, a man with a mustache the size of a ninja turtle was standing over him. “Welcome to the war,” he said. Ugly P shivered. He was getting some creepy vibes from that dude. Ugly P got out of the Jeep. Mustache Man led him to the battlefield. “Go out there and get some tots!” said Mustache Man.

“I don’t have a weapon or anything though,” said Ugly P.

“You’ll figure it out.” Mustache Man said while pushing Ugly P onto the battlefield.

Ugly P ran to the other side’s base. It was so weird seeing a bunch of tater tots running around with weapons. Ugly P was watching some of the tater tots when someone hit him in the leg.

His leg started bleeding. He was scared. His leg didn’t hurt, but in any second, his brain would send the signal to his leg that he was in a lot of pain. Ugly P waited for that to happen, but it never did. His leg never hurt. He felt fine. He felt the part that was bleeding. He could feel a plastic thing in his pocket. He took it out and saw that it was a ketchup packet with a bullet-sized hole in it. His Lucky Ketchup Packet!!!!!!!!! Then, he got a great idea. He could put ketchup on his enemies (the tater tots), and he could eat them! Ugly P got up. He started running to all the tots and putting ketchup on them. Then, he started eating all of them. “NANIII?!!” said the head captain, leader tater tot thingamabob (the leader of the taters). Ugly P looked behind him and could see the biggest tater tot ever. It looked delicious. Ugly P’s mouth started to water. Ugly P walked up to the leader of the taters and started putting ketchup all over him. “WHOOO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PUTTINGKETCHUPALLOVERME?” Ugly P ignored this and continued putting ketchup on him. “ENOUGH,” said the leader of the taters. He pushed Ugly P off of him and whipped out a staff with a tater tot on it. He pointed it at Ugly P and said, “summon the ancient Tater Tot.”” Suddenly, a giant tater tot monster with sharp teeth came out of the ground. “IWILLDESTROYUGLYP,” it said. Ugly P was terrified but also wanted to eat it. Everyone started attacking the monster, but the bullets just bounced off it. Ugly P ran for his life, but the monster grabbed him. The monster put Ugly P right above his mouth and dropped him.

Ugly P fell for a while. When he finally hit the ground, his leg hurt so bad. He must’ve broken them! But it felt like a bunch of sharp pieces were poking out of his leg. He felt around where it hurt the most and could feel his phone. He reached in his pocket and found his phone, but the screen was completely broken. His phone must have broken, and that’s why his leg hurt.

But he didn’t care about that anymore. He was trying to look for a way out of there. But he was amazed at where he was. He was in a giant tunnel made entirely of tater tots! To Ugly P, this was a dream come true. He quickly checked his pockets to see if he had any more ketchup packets and sure enough, he had twelve ketchup packets. According to Ugly P’s calculations, that would be exactly enough to eat his way through, so he put some ketchup on the wall of the tunnel and started eating. Hours later, he came outside. He was high up in the sky and was peeking out of the potato monster! It didn’t seem to notice him, so he jumped onto the foot of it. The monster

didn’t seem to notice that either, so he started eating the foot. Eventually, he ate off the toes of the monster, and it fell. The monster exploded into a bunch of little tots. Ugly P had won the war.