Sparks Magazine - Summer 2017

M A G A Z I N E

2017

R A Y I M

SUMMER

T H E

SPARKS

SUMMER

2017

M AGA Z I N E

A project by Rayim, Inc. Editorial Rabbi Jacob Freund, Founder & CEO

Sarah Kraus Executive Director

Editorial Board

5

Sarah Kraus

6

Seasonal Sparks By: Israel Fried

Sounds of Accomplishment

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By: Chani Rosenberg

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Editorial Director

Parents Share

Israel Kraus

By: R. Schiff

Editor-in-Chief

Tapping Your Way to Wellness

M. Deutsch Project Manager

Dini Landau Contributing Editor

Ruchel Einhorn Graphic Design & Layout DPMG GROUP 845.782.3382 Sparks Magazine. Published by Rayim, Inc. A non-profit agency providing services for people with disabilities in the State of New York. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part, in any form without the prior written permission from publisher is strictly prohibited. Sparks and Rayim assume no responsibility for the contents of the articles and opinions expressed in the articles.

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By: Shoshana Bernstein

Remote Control

34

By: Chavi Nussbaum

Q&A

40

With Mordechai Weinberger, LCSW

Sparks in Perspective: The Power of One

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By: Israel Fried

If There Is A Will, There Is A 'Way' By: M. Deutsch

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The Wallet By: M. Deutsch

Pillars of Strength

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By: Dini Landau

The Choice is Yours!

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By: Draizy Lemberger

Rayim's Bulletin Board

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By: Adina Jacobs

The Pens

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By: Malky Stein

Sparkling For Siblings By: Malky Stein

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48

18

52 84

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‫בס"ד‬

Sarah Kraus B’ezras Hashem

Executive Director

Dear Reader, Being tasked with the opportunity of writing

out as a small office in Monroe, N.Y., is now

an opening editorial for the 5th edition of

an organization with four administrative

Sparks Magazine is indeed an honor.

offices between New York City and

The number five represents the Chamisha

Upstate NewYork. In addition, there are

Chumsei Torah, the complete Torah that we live and breathe and study endlessly. From

approximately another ten locations from where our devoted staff provide an array of

a deeper perspective, Chazal tell us that

services to individuals in need.

shishim reboi oisios la'Torah, that the oisios of

We at Rayim thank Hashem for enabling

the Torah represent all of Klal Yisroel. When

us along the way and pray for continued

a sefer Torah is written, it is not considered

success im yirtzeh Hashem. We also are very

kosher if it is missing one word or even one

grateful to the individuals we support, for

letter . In the same way, Klal Yisroel isn’t

they give us the opportunity to provide

complete unless each and every person

services to them with unconditional love and

fulfills their individual duty to their fullest

care. The amazing staff at Rayim deserve

potential. It is the responsibility of each

to be mentioned here with tremendous

and every member of klal yisroel to insure

appreciation. The program directors,

the completeness of this sefer Torah. As we

secretaries, and our devoted Direct Support

publish our fifth Sparks Magazine, we gain

Professionals make a difference in the lives

continued strength knowing that at Rayim

of the individuals and the families they

we are committed to fulfilling that call to

assist, on a daily basis.

duty. By providing care to those who are

We hope that this edition of Sparks will

vulnerable and in need of support and care, we enable these special children to be able to fulfill their unique tafkid as part of Klal Yisroel.

provide you with useful information and loads of inspiration. May we be zoche to be able to continue working towards fulfilling our own responsibilities, and helping others

It is with deep and sincere gratitude to

reach closer to fulfilling theirs. The end

Hashem that we look back to more than a

result very soon, be’ezras Hashem will be a

decade of providing the highest standard

complete sefer Torah, a unified Klal Yisroel

of care to the community. What started

waiting together for Mashiach’s arrival.

Sincerely, S a r a h

K r a u s

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Seasonal Sparks

By: Israel Fried

T

he Shabbos after Tisha B’Av is the Shabbos that that we dry our tears and look forward to days filled with joy instead of sadness. Shabbos Nachamu, the Shabbos of

Consolation, follows three weeks of mourning over Churban Beis Hamikdash.

The term

nachamu is taken from the haftorah that is

read that week. Yermiyahu HaNavi tells Klal Yisroel, “Nachamu

nachamu ami yomar elokeichem - Be comforted, be comforted my children, says Hashem.”

Shabbos

Nachamu is the first of seven Shabbosim in

succession where the haftorah revolves around the concept of nechamas tzion v’Yerushalayim. Hope, salvation, redemption, and the fulfillment of Hashem’s promise to bring the geulah, are all part of a renewed focus on the future. Why is the word nachamu repeated twice? That is a question that has been pondered for generations. In addition, another question begs an answer. What is the connection between Shabbos and nechama?

Sometimes a person finds himself in a hopeless situation, feeling alone with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel. Those are the times that the strength of our emunah, the knowledge

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that Hashem is always with us, carries us through our most difficult moments.

Every Shabbos, after we sing lecha dodi, we continue with the words Dovid Hamelech wrote. Tov l’hodos la’Hashem, it’s good to sing and thank Hashem! L’hagid baboker chasdechu, to express Hashem’s chesed and kindness in the morning, in the time of our lives when the sun shines. When life is good the expression of song and gratitude is spontaneous, but even in the darkness of the night, ve’eminuscha baleilos. Even in times of distress and pain, during nights of agony and sorrow and darkness, even when we are surrounded with the fear of the unknown, we believe. Emunah means belief, faith, when we can’t see, when we don’t understand. It is from emunah that we gain strength; that we fortify ourselves by knowing that Hashem is with us at all times. Since Shabbos is the foundation and the key to emunah, it is the perfect time to start reinforcing our faith in the promise of geulah.

The navi tells us nachamu once, for the future. It conveys a message of comfort that the end is near, that Hashem’s glory will soon fill the world. The second nachamu sends a deeper message. It is about the present. It is about Hashem’s presence with us, every minute of every day, in every struggle and every hardship. Imo anochi batzarah - He is with us in galus, and that is our comfort. We are not alone. With this knowledge we can say, L’hagid baboker chasdechu and ve’eminuscha baleilos.

Shabbos Nachamu is the time when our emunah gets strengthened and our faith gets reinforced. We remind our selves yet again, that Hashem’s constant hashgacha and boundless love for His children is a part of every challenge He sends our way. Shabbos Nachamu is the time when we remind ourselves yet again, that the geulah is close; Mashiach is on his way!

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Sounds of

The

ACCOMPLISHMENT

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By: Chani Rosenberg

W

hen I was born, my father thought My

I

was

mother

perfect.

knew

that

something was off, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

This was 1986, and newborn testing was sparse, often far

off

many

the

mark,

conditions

and went

undiagnosed. Shlepping me from doctor to doctor didn’t either help; no one could figure out what it was that so concerned my mother.

In fact, when she took me to an audiologist (who should’ve been the perfect

candidate

to

recognize

my

symptoms) he placed me in front of a video of a monkey clapping its hands.

When I responded to the visual cue by clapping my hands as well, he ruled out the possibility of deafness, attributing my response to the clapping sounds I’d heard!

So another year went by, during which my parents continued hunting for the elusive something that would tell them what was wrong. By this time, it was apparent that something was different about me. I crawled on my back, and my speech was non-existent. For some reason, my parents found themselves back in the audiologist’s office. This time, he placed me in a different room where sound was close enough to carry through, but where I wouldn’t be able to view the clapping monkey. I didn’t respond to the claps, and the diagnosis came in: I couldn’t hear.

Now, the puzzle pieces fell into place.

My mother recalled the time my brother had mistakenly turned a stereo up to

the highest volume, and everyone but me had jumped. My father remembered how I’d been the only kid in the shul who slept through the noisy Haman shout-outs and gragger twirling during megillah reading.

Once the great unknown had been

“I’LL MANAGE EVERYTHING ELSE ON MY OWN. I DON’T WANT YOU TO SPEAK FOR ME OR ADVOCATE FOR ME!”

cleared up, there was, ironically perhaps, little devastation and much relief. Now my parents could help me conquer the disability that finally had a name. From the age of two to three years old, I had to wear a hearing aid, which amplifies sound, as a ‘trial’ of sorts. If I’d pick up sounds it would be a sign that I was simply hard of hearing; if I wouldn’t pick up any sound at all, I’d be diagnosed as completely deaf.

After that year, it was indeed confirmed that I was completely deaf.

My parents didn’t know

anyone who was deaf, and they believed that in order for me to survive I needed to hear. It didn’t take long for them to find out about cochlear implants, which was at the time a pretty new, yet past the experimental stage, medical procedure. At the age of just three years old, I was NYU Hospital’s thirteenth patient to undergo a cochlear implant.

First, the implant was surgically implanted in my left, middle ear, and several weeks post-op (after giving the site a chance to heal) the cochlear implant was activated so that I’d be able to hear.

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Though I was too young to

never adapted well to it because

remember it, my mother often

the sounds it transmits are very

shares with me the wonders of that

robotic and annoying.

day; the day I was able to hear for

I even need a break from my first

the very first time in my life. During

cochlear implant sometimes. On

the trip home from the audiologist

Shabbos and Sunday mornings I

who’d activated the implant, I was

take a ‘vacation’ from the ‘hearing’

peacefully sitting in the car seat in

world, and savor blessed silence.

the rear of the car, and my mother

Remember, that’s the way I was

was in the driver’s seat. Suddenly,

born: what may be unnerving to

a truck directly in front of us

others is instinctive and welcome

honked. Shrieking hysterically, I

to my senses.

jumped out of my seat and onto my

After my first implant, I could

mother’s lap. Traffic safety aside, it

hear, but my verbal and auditory

was a delightful occasion! The fact

skills were virtually non-existent.

that I was startled meant that I

Intense speech therapy several

could hear!

times a week helped me advance

Contrary

to

popular

belief,

a cochlear implant in no way

tremendously, and I painstakingly built up my vocabulary.

equals a magical transition to the

My first therapist tried to get

hearing world. For me, a cochlear

me to use auditory and visual lip-

implant is simply a tool to help

reading skills to communicate.

me communicate in a world of

In fourth grade, I started going

predominantly

people.

to an additional therapist so that

In fact, I don’t even always like

I could get even more sessions.

wearing my implants. At the age

This therapist, Perry, wanted me

of eighteen, I underwent a second

to learn how to communicate

cochlear implant, this time on

through hearing only; not by lip

my right ear. However, since it

reading. She’d cover her mouth

was implanted at that late age, I

while talking so that I’d have no

hearing

choice but to rely on my auditory skills to communicate with her.

What

the

therapy

didn’t accomplish though, was a flawless English.

Because I’d been one of the pioneers in cochlear implants, I don’t think my therapists realized that while they were concentrating solely on getting my tone and enunciation right, I wasn’t picking up on grammar rules. I needed plenty of help

since

from my father to get me through

that

English classes and term papers in

initial phone call,

high school and college. To this day,

I still feel the same way. I still

my verbal English language skills

to

have that fear and anxiety that

are far from perfect. I often advise

do the

I’ll be causing people to become

parents and speech therapists of

same.

frustrated with me when I place a

deaf children to get an English

call. This is also true when I meet

tutor for their child, so that they

longer wanted my shadows to be

new people…

a part of my social life. “I’m fine,”

don’t lose out on the exposure to well-spoken English.

As I got older, I no

When it was time for me to go to

I would tell them. “You just take

school my parents insisted that I

I remember when Perry prepared

notes and I’ll manage everything

be mainstreamed, so that I’d grow

me for my very first telephone call.

else on my own. I don’t want you to

up ‘normal’ in a world of hearing

A terrifying occasion! I was always

speak for me or advocate for me!”

people. Thanks to the N.Y. Board of

afraid that the hearing population

While I recognized that I needed

Ed regulations, and to my parents’

wouldn’t have time or patience

help with notetaking while I was

strong advocacy skills, I always

for me and that if I’d ask anyone

busy reading the teacher’s lips, I

had a shadow at my side.

didn’t like the fact that they were

to repeat themselves they’d get

In the younger grades, the

impatient and frustrated with

shadow ensured that I understood

me. On the phone, when I couldn’t

“You can speak to her when I’m

what my teachers and friends were

lip-read along with hearing, this

not around,” I’d say to my shadows

saying. They essentially played the

was a real possibility. Sounds over

when I caught them talking to

role of my ears in interpersonal

the phone were also a bit more

my friends. Though I loved my

interactions. My first pre-school

annoying; too much technology

shadows, and developed strong,

morah

the

was passing through my middle

lasting relationships with them, I

process by treating me just as she

ear.

needed my space. Just like every

did every other kid in the class, and

teenager does.

Though two decades have passed

helped

‘normalize’

by encouraging the other students

‘intruding’ on my personal life.

When I started high school, Perry

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cochlear implant works, and about how I’m not much different than them.

Then, she encouraged the girls to ask questions. Before long, I was a hero! From there on in, I thrived in the camp environment.

Until the summer of ninth grade. to a new school year! No one could console me.

Until the next day, when I learned that the world wasn’t all that gloomy…

“Tzila Seewald,” I heard my name spoke

over the loudspeaker. “Please come

to the staff.

to the principal’s office.”

Unfortunately, one teacher wasn’t

“I heard about what happened

in attendance, and on the very first

yesterday,”

day of school, she yelled at me for

“Several parents called to tell me

conversing with my shadow.

that their daughters were deeply

What does she want from me?

the

principal

said.

disturbed.”

Does she have to yell at me like this

That means my new classmates

on my first day of school? My first

have my back! As does my principal!

HOW CAN THIS BE? I ALREADY HAVE ONE DISABILITY! WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME ANOTHER CHALLENGE? I QUESTIONED HASHEM. WHY?

Then, I attended a new camp, which made for an absolutely dreadful experience. I had a very difficult time making friends, as most campers saw me not as the fun-loving, sociable girl I was, but as ‘the deaf girl’.

This pained me terribly, but I wouldn’t let it get me down. I wanted to prove that I was just as cool as the next girl, and that there was no reason to pity me or to set me apart. After a while many girls, but not all, saw that I actually was pretty much like them, and I made a nice number of friends.

That doesn’t ‘cancel out’ the painful moments, where I was forced to deal with the deafness stigma. For example, babysitters were in high demand in my neighborhood, and I loved kids.

However, aside from my immediate family members, parents wouldn’t trust me! While I couldn’t really blame them, I found this extremely frustrating.

day in a new school?

12

This is absolutely awesome! The

This was the first time I’d

rest of my high school years passed

encountered anything less than

pretty uneventfully, with a lot of

one hundred percent sensitivity

understanding and support from

and understanding of my situation.

the faculty and my friends.

Confused and in tears, I escaped to

Perry came up to camp too, to

the bathroom. What a terrible start

speak to the girls about how a

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“They don’t know what they’re missing out,” my shadow said when I complained about it. “You’d be the very best babysitter because you’re deaf! You’d be extra careful to stand outside the bedroom door and listen for noise, not

like your friends who go do their

final test, my father held out his

this at me? Enough! I was angry

own thing in the living room!”

hand and said, “This is for you.”

and inconsolable! I had worked so

“What?”

hard to build a solid life for myself

I didn’t see anything.

despite

“Here! Here!” he almost shouted.

deafness. Why was I now being

one that made me forget all my

“Where?”

challenged with vision problems as

concerns about ‘discrimination’

“Don’t you want fifty bucks?” he

well?

At the age of seventeen, I was dealt

a

really

crushing

blow,

against my deafness. Like most

waved a bill in front of my nose.

of my friends, I wanted the

I was a teenager. Of course I

independence of driving my own

could use fifty dollars. I simply

vehicle. There was no reason I

hadn’t seen it.

being

challenged

with

As soon as we got home, I locked myself into the bathroom, to wallow in despair.

“Don’t do that!” my mother

couldn’t drive, I thought. In fact,

“It may be Usher’s Syndrome,” the

followed me. “Don’t let this stop

studies show that deaf people are

doctor suggested, after listening to

you! You can continue! You will!

safer drivers because they don’t talk

our stories and completing an eye

You

while driving, and aren’t distracted

exam. “This means that you can

by background noise such as the

see, but you don’t have peripheral

radio playing, or conversation with

vision. I’d advise you to check

other passengers. And, they are a

it out with a specialist.”

lot more visual than the hearing population.

Trouble started during a driving

have

disability!

a driveway.

me

another

challenge?

instructor shouted, slamming on

questioned

the brakes to avert a collision.

Hashem.

“I didn’t!” I said, and promptly Several days later, I was out with

one

Why

are You giving

forgot about it.

do

How can this be? I already

lesson, when I was backing out of “Didn’t you see that car?” my

can

I

Why? Why are

you

throwing

my father, and as we passed the

things

recycling bin at the curb, I knocked

like

into a few empty soda cans that were on the ground.

“What did you do that for?” my father asked.

“What?”

“Didn’t you see those cans?”

I hadn’t.

In the

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anything, Tzila!”

It

took

some

diagnosis with the specialist, I’d time,

murky future.

but

convinced myself that I’d have

Later, when I was in college, I

eventually my mother’s repetitive

the absolutely least degenerative

joined the Helen Keller Foundation,

encouragement penetrated. By the

form of Usher’s possible (which

where I learned how to use a

means only slight change every

walking stick and how to type on

ten years or so). And I decided

the computer without looking at

to focus on the here and

the keys. Though I was hopeful

time we confirmed the

now, not

on the

that I’d never have to use these skills, I wanted to be proactive.

I don’t like using the walking stick. Unlike the cochlear implant, it’s quite noticeable, and it’s the first thing people see when looking at me. I almost feel like it obscures the real me, by pronouncing that first and foremost, I’m blind.

However, when I do use it, it has its advantages. If I step on someone’s toes in Manhattan foot traffic, I’m bound to get yelled at or worse.

If my walking stick mistakenly strikes someone, I’m more likely to be awarded an apology! The stick also clears lines at ticket booths and supermarkets. After all, who wouldn’t allow a ‘pitiful’ blind person ahead of them?

Also affecting the social scene for me, is the fact that I don’t hear well in large crowds. My cochlear implant does not operate like the hearing ear; it cannot pick up and transmit sound clearly in a crowd, and I cannot possibly read multiple lips all at once (besides for the fact that not all lips may be within my line of vision). Though close friends and family know how to keep me in the loop, most people aren’t sensitive to that.

Perhaps

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that’s

one

Additionally, I made

Sitting

through

classes

and

reason seminary was so tough! I

disabilities.

felt extremely ostracized due to

sure to advocate for myself if I

studying was rigorous work, but it

my inability to follow along in a

needed help. I made sure that every

was doable. As he had done through

crowd, and few, if any, girls made

single one of my classes had a note

high school, my father helped me

an effort to include me. However,

taker/CART so that I’d be able to

out plenty on the ‘editing’ scene;

my dorm counselor taught me an

keep up with the classes.

but he couldn’t help me out where

important rule; you be the one to

CART, short for Communication

speak up. Indeed, her constant

Access Realtime Translation, are

encouragement

me

individuals who can perform real

My first internship was at a

socialize more optimally, and also

time reporting. The CART provider

school in the Bronx. The kids, I

laid the groundwork for the self-

types into a stenographic machine

discovered, couldn’t care less about

advocacy and assertiveness I’d

which is connected to a computer.

my hearing abilities; all they cared

need in college. Though I don’t

Using

the

about was that I care about them.

recall the seminary experience

computer translates the stenotype

And I did. Showering them with

with much fondness, I’m still

shorthand into English, which can

love and attention, I made headway

did

help

special

software,

the real hardship was, at my internship.

with quite a few students.

However, the supervisor seemed to overlook the fact that I was a

“YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING,” SHE OFTEN YELLED AT ME. “CAN’T YOU GET ANYTHING STRAIGHT?”

social worker in training, viewing me as a ‘deaf girl’ who could really be taken advantage of.

“You never understand what I’m saying,” she often yelled at me.

“Can’t you get anything straight?”

She also gave me very denigrating jobs that really didn’t belong to a social work intern, such as straightening up her office.

Though

her

every

attack

glad I went. I learned how to deal

then be displayed on a computer

humiliated me deeply, I remained

with people who aren’t sensitive

monitor or projected onto a wall.

quiet. Why? I knew that when a

As CART would record every

potential employee would look

single word that had been spoken

at me, he’d see a deaf woman.

Unfortunately, not all of my

in class (think about the many

If I would get my Masters, he’d

college experiences mirrored that

unnecessary ifs and ums and buts

see a hardworking, deaf woman

understanding. After graduating

that find their way into verbal

with

Stern College, I went onto to

language,

absolutely

conscientiousness. And I knew

Hunter’s College to pursue a degree

useless) the notes were often quite

that I needed that to get a job. So,

in social work. I introduced myself

cumbersome.

with my parents’ encouragement

to my needs, as well as how to be independent on many levels.

but

are

to my professors, and made sure

“It’s okay if you leave out the

to educate them, and the students,

unnecessary words,” I eventually

about how to treat people with

told the note takers.

courage,

capability,

and

I soldiered on, taking the abuse, keeping my eyes on the final goal.

My next internship was at an

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elementary school for the deaf population. I thought I’d be well-

responded,

liked, understood, and accepted.

acknowledge that I’d mentioned

Wrong on all accounts!

the same thing earlier that week!

refusing

to

“You need to know ASL (American

Two days later I decided that I’d

Sign Language),” the supervisor

had enough. I quit! Well, I didn’t

(who also had a cochlear implant)

really quit. I was getting married

insisted. “How can you work here if

at the time, and decided that a

you don’t?”

semester off would be the perfect

What do you mean ‘how can I work here’? You knew that I don’t know much ASL!

like every other mother, wife and housekeeper.

During the day, I usually wear my implants so I can hear my kids.

Occassionally when I don’t, they

thing for me.

A shadchan who deals with singles with physical disabilities

I’d been very explicit beforehand

had thought that Tzvi, the son of

that I could only sign a bit. There

her friend and a ‘regular’ hearing

was no way I could learn the

guy, would be perfect for me.

language that quickly! “I think

“She is smart, beautiful, and

your writing skills are detestable,”

kind,” the shadchan told Tzvi. “But

she told me on another occasion. “I

she is also deaf.”

don’t know if there’s any way I can

Of course Tzvi was concerned that I’d be like the stereotypical

pass you.”

To say that I was depressed is

deaf person; stupid, mute and

putting it mildly. Yet, like during

ugly. When he met me, though,

my first internship, I continued

Tzvi realized how mistaken he

know exactly how to pull my hand

to brave it, determined to stick it

was.

or tug my skirt to get what they

out and get my degree. But this

my deaf accent took some time,

supervisor was out to get me and

Tzvi eventually learned to be

Back to my college experience…

reject me.

comfortable with it, and today he

With the next semester coming up,

no longer even hears it.

and my lack of enthusiasm to go

After some time I realized that

Though

getting

used

to

want.

an

back, my father put his foot down.

supervisor didn’t have. One of

adjustment, I believe it is that

“I don’t care if you end up getting a

my clients at the internship was

way for everyone. When I became

job or not,” he said. “But you have to

exhibiting psychopathic behavior,

a mother, I was nervous about

finish your education. You invested

and I told my supervisor about it.

how I’d hear my baby during the

too much to back out now!”

I had certain insights that the

Though

marriage

was

Go back I did, and I’m ever so

she

night (since I remove the cochlear

dismissed my words out of hand.

implant before I go to sleep). At

“You need proof!”

first, I tried a vibrating machine,

After my sorry sagas, I was

Two days later, the principal

which shook my mattress when the

quite wary of another internship.

brought my supervisor and me in

baby cried. However, my husband

However, since it was part and

for a meeting about that child, after

didn’t like the way it vibrated so

parcel of what becoming a social

his behavior had turned violent.

violently, and he offered to wake

worker required, I took a deep

“The child is a psychopath and

me when the baby cried. Other

breath and took the plunge.

has no feelings!” the principal said.

than that, I pretty much function

“How

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“I had no idea,” the supervisor

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know?”

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grateful for that push.

This time, I was super-duper

Oy! I feel so bad for you!”

lucky! I found an opportunity at

“I wear cochlear implants, and it

Bikur Cholim of Boro Park, and in

actually helps them connect to me,”

You feel bad for me? I wanted to

doing so, found the kindest, most

I said. “People coming for therapy

tell her. Why? You are dealing with

helpful supervisor as well! She

often feel very belittled by the

a severe mental illness that impacts

accepted me for who I was and how

stigma of their difficulties. When I

your daily functioning! Why do you

WHY DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME? YES, I AM DEAF; BUT I’M DEALING WITH IT SO WELL! tell them that I’m deaf, they know

feel bad for me? Yes, I am deaf; but

that I understand the feelings of

I’m dealing with it so well! Yes, I have

I treated my clients. This internship

being stigmatized, and that I can

Usher’s Syndrome, and there is no

enabled

relate to them.”

treatment for it, but my condition

me

to

successfully

graduate from Hunter’s as an MSW.

Absolutely floored at how I

has degenerated only slightly over the

After a short stint helping victims

managed to turn my disability into

past decade! I lead such a successful

of Hurricane Sandy through Ohel’s

a strength, the interviewer made

life! I’m happily married with two

Project Hope division, a co-worker/

sure I got the position.

children. I have a job that I love. I

friend told me about a vacancy at

Indeed, my clients often tell

Ohel’s out-patient clinic, Kadimah

me that although I don’t speak

PROS.

as clearly as most social workers

When I was called in for an

they’ve

worked

with,

they

have wonderful parents and friends!

Why would you feel bad for me!?!

Then, I realized that my client wouldn’t be able to deal with my

interview, I knew that I wanted

understand me better than anyone

nisayon;

my

about

else. Why? Because I have a way

gave her the tools to deal with her

my hearing disability, yet I was

of understanding them, due to my

own personal circumstances. The

extremely nervous about how

own life experience. And if I can

tools He gave me are the ones I

they’d take to it, and whether it

understand them, we can connect.

need to deal with my personal life

would affect my eligibility for the

On one occasion, when I asked

challenges; the resources I need to

a new client to face me when

strive and thrive. Baruch Hashem,

“Tell me your experiences of

speaking to me so that I could lip

as my story attests, I am striving

working with clients with mental

read, she burst out: “Oh! I’m so

and thriving!

illness” the interviewer asked me.

sorry! I had no idea you were deaf.

employer

to

know

position.

Hakadosh

Baruch

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Paren Share By: R. Schiff

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ents 10 1.

Before you comment, question, act or give advice, think; how would I want to be addressed?

Summer was whispering goodbye, but we still hadn’t

had the opportunity to vacation. When my motherin-law invited our family, sweltering in the Brooklyn heat, to her home in Monroe, we jumped at the offer.

Calm and serene, we strolled the aisles in Walmart. I walked proudly, holding the hand of my four year-old son that was developmentally delayed. I felt relaxed, and enjoyed the feeling of being one hundred percent ‘Chezky’s mommy’.

We headed towards the laundry detergents, and I scanned the shelf for some Tide. As I was lifting the bottle, I noticed that my son was doing the same. By the time I tried removing the bottle from his hands, it was too late. The bottle hit the floor with a loud thump, and blue Tide suddenly began shooting forcefully into the air in every direction possible. It was wreaking havoc, as if a volcano had hit. I stood there red-faced,

THINGS EVERY PARENT OF A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS WISHES YOU KNEW:

while innocent shoppers were attacked by liquid Tide on their hats, sheitels and clothing. Mortified, I tried apologizing, to which most of them nodded in sympathy and understanding.

I arrived home physically and emotionally drained, and i met my sister-in-law at the front door. My emotions bubbled over, as I shared the embarrassing moment. I secretly looked forward to the validation she would give me, as she herself was also a parent of a special needs child. She listened intently, and then nonchalantly responded, “Gitty, don’t worry. Everyone knows that he is crazy!”

I couldn’t believe my ears! As much as I knew that she did not intend to hurt me, why in the world would she say something so insensitive? Did the fact that she’s a parent entitle her to say whatever’s on her mind? All I needed was a listening ear!

Sometimes people take the liberty to be rude, assuming that it’s okay because they are in the same boat. Or, they use the excuse that they are straightforward people, and therefore they just say what they feel. Neither is ever justified.

Whether you are a parent of a special-needs child or not, before you speak, ask yourself, “Would I want someone to say this to me?”

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2.

Caring instead of staring, versus staring instead of caring!

continued. “I know that you have a son that’s autistic, maybe slow, or is it Down syndrome? I’m not really sure, but I have to tell you that this child is having an effect on your other children. You need to know about this.” I was speechless. Paralyzed rather. How was I supposed to react? Maybe I shouldn’t. Politely, I finished the conversation saying how this class was a difficult one from day one, and wished her good-bye.

I was one of the passersby, watching a bachur with

It was as if I was stabbed with a knife. Was my child

cerebral palsy limping down the street. He was clearly

with special needs really affecting the other children

uncomfortable as he noticed people staring at him

in my family? What was I supposed to do? I kept on

while he passed by. My heart ached for him. I could

repeating to myself that I don’t need to take everything

understand why people would stare, because when

to heart; then, I waited impatiently for my husband to

something is ‘different’, you look twice. I, however,

come home.

understood his pain. You see, I am a mother, and going

I was confused. My eight-year-old daughter is such a

out in the street when my daughter acts ‘different’,

sweetheart. I recalled the time when a new girl came

causes people to stare. But why does it have to be this

into her class and she asked me for a treat to share

way?

with this girl. I remembered when I got a call from the

“Hashem,” I davened in my heart, “please help this

principal that my eleven-year-old daughter excels in

boy overcome his struggles and give him the strength

middos, and derech eretz. She then mentioned that she

to continue in his courageous way.” And that is what

was a star student in every way and she wished that

I continue to do whenever I see someone different.

all the girls would learn from my daughter! I reminded

Instead of staring at them, I say a prayer that Hashem

myself that my six-year-old son had a special needs

should help them.

boy in his class, and recently the child’s father had given my husband the warmest compliment. He said

3.

his son attends cheder on Sundays, and he loved going

Don’t tell me that my children are affected by their 'special' sibling; unless, of course, it’s in a positive way.

“Hi Devoiry,” Perry greeted me as I picked up the

phone. “I’m calling you about something important.

I actually spoke to a few people before making this call.” My mind was racing. Why would someone from our shul be calling me? “Devoiry, you know that we both have girls in the same class, and the stories that I hear about your daughter are really, uh, silly, or rather childish. An eight-year-old girl should not be acting this way. That is where my research comes into play,” Perry 2 0 | S PA R K S

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to cheder, because my son was his friend. He knew that my son would be there for him for his every need. The father praised my husband for raising such a wonderful, caring child. All these thoughts were coming full force, crowding my mind. So why did I get this phone call? It really inflicted unnecessary hurt and pain.

Everyone has their own challenges in life. Some are obvious, while some aren’t. It’s not the situation that affects us most: it’s the attitude. No matter what the challenge might be, big or small, it is up to each individual and how they embrace their lot. That is how it reflects on those around them.

So before offering advice, ask yourself, “Will something practical come out of it? Am I being helpful?” If the answer is ‘no’, simply look in to your own life and think about which advice you could give yourself, instead.

4.

Stereotyping is so past-tense!

How much does he understand?” Even if it is prefaced with “May I ask you a personal question?” it is still very unpleasant and awkward. I start feeling like there is a stone in my throat that makes it difficult to answer, and my heart suddenly feels heavy, very heavy. I think to myself, is it really necessary for you to ask?

I do my best to answer, but I hope that next time you

“Excuse me, I’m just curious, do ‘these children’ eat,

uh, normally?” I was sitting on the city bus giving my

remember that not everything that’s on your mind, needs to be verbalized,

baby girl a bottle. “Why not?” I asked. “Well, she is Down Syndrome, isn’t she? I know that ‘kronke kinder’ have difficulty with feeding.”

Taken aback by her bluntness, I just blurted out the first response that came to mind. “Excuse me, but did you actually think before you asked me this question?

So what if my baby has Down Syndrome? That makes her no less capable of drinking her bottle. Her disability doesn’t automatically mean she has trouble feeding, or anything like that… Each child is an individual, a person in his or her own right, regardless which nose, hair, or hair-color, or type of features they possess.

Each child comes straight from Hashem with their own unique fingerprint and their own capabilities.

There’s no need to stereotype, lumping everyone in the same basket.”

And I certainly hoped this woman got the message!

6.

Offering help in the form of an unannounced visit is unfair and unappreciated.

Picture my house on Chol HaMoed Sukkos with

eleven children home all day. Please note, that my baby was three weeks old, with a major respiratory problem that needed monitoring every minute. Use your imagination to visualize what the house looked like, including laundry drying on chairs and railings, with piles of dirty laundry waiting to be washed. There were toys all over the place with various projects

5.

with which the kids started to occupy themselves,

Questions that are too personal make us both feel uncomfortable.

How would you respond if someone asks you what’s

wrong with your face? Or better yet, if they would

dishes overflowing in the sinks, and so on. In the late afternoon, the prime hour of the day, there was a knock on my door. My mother-in-law stood there! She brought along three of her siblings, since she thought that Chol HaMoed was the best time to pay her son, daughter-inlaw and grandchildren a visit. She also assumed she’d be able to lend a hand.

She was shocked at the sight that greeted her and so

question what was wrong with your husband?

I don’t think you would appreciate that at all.

How would you expect me to respond when someone asks me what is wrong with my child or what his disabilities are? “Does he talk?

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was I… First, she asked to use the bathroom, and soon

those radiant faces, as they step off the bus. I thank

realized that she would have to climb over some piles

Hashem for this gift and daven for the future. That

of laundry to get there. When she went to wash her

day, I was holding my one-and-a-half-year-old baby

hands, she quickly asked for a plunger so that the sink

with CP. He was still an infant, but it was obvious

shouldn’t overflow. And when she wanted to sit down,

that he was very delayed. My neighbor joined in,

well, there weren’t any chairs for her, or for those

waiting for her children’s buses and just blurted

accompanying her. She decided to go into the sukkah

out what she was thinking, saying: “I know I’m not

to try her luck there, but was surprised that there were

giving you any chizuk, but it doesn’t look like he

no sukkah decorations. She simply didn’t understand

is going to walk any time soon.” I was so hurt. I

the situation. Having a baby that needs constant

wasn’t sure why she said what she did. What was

monitoring, meant that you had to pick your priorities,

she trying to tell me, not to be hopeful? I didn’t

and sukkah decorations wasn’t one of them (although I

even notice my four-year-old son getting off the

would’ve loved to have them).

bus. My son took advantage that his mommy was

Baruch Hashem, the supper saved the day. When my

preoccupied, and he ran to the open water hose.

mother-in-law saw the delicious food coming out of

Then he got himself all wet. Because I was very

the oven, she realized that the kids were taken care of.

upset by my neighbor, when I noticed what my

She also realized how happy and calm the kids were.

son did, I yelled at him, took his hand firmly, and

When she left, we parted nicely and wished each other

walked him into the house. My son was so sad, he

gut yom tov. But don’t worry; the story wasn’t over. She

was not used to such a greeting when he got home.

returned a while later with four folding chairs from

I then realized that it wasn’t the real me that yelled;

Amazing Savings so that they should have where to

it was my emotions bubbling over. Because I was so

sit. That was more than I could handle, but I controlled

hurt, I lost it, and my son paid the price. That was

myself! After she left for the second time, I took the

unfair and I was accountable.

chairs and threw them out. She meant to be nice, but it didn’t come out that way.

about. Even though this was a very hectic time

I beg you, dear readers, if the person you are about

when the kids were coming home, I called up that

to visit is a capable person, call to find out if you are

neighbor and told her that I was hurt with what

welcome. Even if you want to help out, check in

she said. At first she didn’t get what I was referring

advance if your assistance is needed. You will know

to, but when I spelled it out for her, she apologized.

from the response if you should come or not. And

Later that night she put an apology note next to my

please don’t bring any chairs!!!

door asking my complete forgiveness. Of course, I

7.

forgave her.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything!

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for me, since keeping hurt inside is detrimental to both parties. Calling my neighbor and discussing it, helped her understand that she needs to be more careful, and it helped me clear the air. This taught me a lesson for the future: when someone uncomfortable you feel, or why it hurt. It would

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I recall this experience, as being a positive one

makes a tactless comment, gently explain how

I was outside waiting for my kids’ buses as I do

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I then did something that I am really happy

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definitely bring more harmony to the world.

8.

Parents don’t want to be judged by the choices they make.

I was in a very desperate state, trying to see what I

parents immediately need to pursue it. On the other hand, just because parents decide to try something that others don’t agree with, it doesn’t give anyone the right to pass judgment. Just like no one would question a mother who puts her child on a gluten-free diet to heal his digestion issues, so too no one should second guess a mother who commits to a special diet for her developmentally delayed child.

could do to help my little son that was not developing

We must remember to trust that it’s the parent’s

properly. They called it torticollis, but I knew that there

intuition that guides their decisions; that ultimately,

was more to it than met the eye. I spoke to this person

the parents know their child best, and if they err

and to that person. I researched and researched, until

in their choice of therapy or treatment, that is also

I finally decided to follow a certain program. I let

okay!

everyone on our team know of our decision, but the therapists working with my child all had differing opinions. That made it very confusing for me. Some told me that it was a waste of money, some told me to wait until he was older. I felt that behind my back, they considered my expectations unrealistic. Despite all that, I continued being persistent and did see some nice results B”H. As my son progressed, I continued to search for other methodologies that might helpful. Money wasn’t a problem, and whenever I needed to do therapy homework with my son, I simply hired someone to

9.

Letting me know how special I am, makes me feel different.

I was in the emergency

come to my home to do it. It really worked out well. The

room, again, with my active

responses I got though, were contradictory. I was not

little

traveling the globe, or turning my whole family upside

her ADHD and her sensory

down in order to help my child. I was simply going out of

issues, I was kept really busy.

the box to follow my maternal instincts. The principal,

After a half hour of my reading

too, had her doubts about the alternative methods I

stories, singing songs and playing

employed, and this is what I told her. “When my child

cherry-cherry, bang-bang… she

turns eighteen, no matter what he grows up to be, I will

lost it! She got onto the floor

be able to squarely look him in the face and say: ‘My

and started to tantrum. Then

dear son, I did everything in my power to help you!’ I

she started pulling me, pulling

will not look back and say: ‘if only I would’ve tried this,

everything. I was holding onto my

then maybe my son would’ve grown up differently’”.

sheitel for dear life! I tried to keep

daughter.

Between

There are so many different paths, and segulos one

it cool and ignore the fact that

could follow. The options are endless. When all is said

there were many people watching

and done, it is up to the parents to make the final

us. A pleasant middle-aged woman

decision. When someone hears and shares the ‘latest’

came over to me and said, “You are

research, study, or success, it doesn’t mean that the

such a wonderful mother. Is it okay

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if I offer your daughter this fidget spinner? It’s a very good one; it’s heavy and she might really enjoy it! You know, the most difficult part of being in the emergency room, is the waiting. It’s really tough for any child to wait so long,” she continued in a polite tone.

The fidget spinner occupied my daughter for a few minutes before she went back to her full-fledged tantrum, but for me it was enough. I felt good. Someone respected me and treated me as just another mother struggling with just another child. She wasn’t spewing the run-on comments I was used to getting; “You’re amazing!” “You’re so special that you kept her!” “I don’t know how you do it!” And on and on and on…

Every person under stress with a nisayon gets strength from Above to overcome their challenge. I’m no more special than you are. Letting me know that I am special makes me feel different. I want to be plain good, old me. True, my child did bring out hidden kochos I never knew I had, but I’m sure that everyone would give it their best if the nisayon would be theirs. What would I personally appreciate? Please compliment me on the things everyone appreciates; parenting, cleanliness or a pleasant personality. Everyone could use that. Me too! You too!

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10.

Don’t compare my child to anyone else; just like you don’t want to be compared to anyone else.

I was in the park when it happened. It’s not that

something drastic or dramatic happened, but it was painful nonetheless. I was sitting with other mothers, watching our kids playing. My son with autism was only busy putting sand in his mouth and spinning items that came his way. The lady sitting closest to me turned to me in awe and said: “I realize now how amazing it is that my two-year-old daughter is doing everything properly! I never knew how much to appreciate the fact that she is developing normally, but when you see the clear difference (meaning my son) it really is incredible!” I know she meant well, and I understood the sentiment she expressed. I also know she wouldn’t say it if she would be aware that it’s hurtful. And yet, it really hurt. Just because I muster all my self-control and answer politely, you cannot assume that I can

shrug it off. Comparisons are unkind.

“Suppose I would like to compare you to someone else. Let’s talk about you – discuss your strengths, weaknesses and how much your parents invested in you, (or could’ve and should’ve). Let’s analyze how much you benefitted from what you were taught. Wouldn’t that be interesting? Maybe I could even tell you what the other person did to become more successful than you, or how the other person made better and more practical choices…”

I don’t think too many people would appreciate this conversation! Guess what? I also don’t appreciate when you compare my child to other children. And what if we both have children with special needs? We all have special needs and don’t want to be compared!

If you ever do feel a need to say something, think of something positive you could say about my child, and then we will both feel good about it!

Generally, people mean well, but they don’t always realize what their words do to the other person.

YOUR WAY TO WELLNESS EF T TAPPI NG - U NL OCKI NG THE P OTE NTI AL F O R A PAI N- F R E E E XI STE NCE

What is EFT Tapping?

EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques is a powerful self-help method based on research showing that emotional trauma contributes greatly to disease. Clinical trials have shown that EFT tapping is able to rapidly reduce the emotional impact of memories and incidents that trigger emotional distress. Once the distress is reduced or removed, the body can often rebalance itself, and accelerate healing.

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By: Shoshana Bernstein

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The basic technique requires you to focus on the

However, when I decided to try EFT the child went

negative emotion at hand; a fear or anxiety, a bad

along with it. We worked together for several months

memory, an unresolved problem, or anything else that’s

and the results were incredible. For the first time, the

bothering you. While maintaining your mental focus on

anger and impulsivity went away, the child started

this emotion, you use your fingertips to tap five to seven

getting along with others, and was eventually, along

times on each of the body’s twelve meridian points.

with the assistance of long-term therapy, able to get off

Tapping on these points – while concentrating

medication. Though it took many months, in the end

on accepting and resolving the negative emotion –

there was literally a complete personality overhaul in

accesses your body’s energy, restoring it to a balanced

the child.”

state. Tapping is simple and painless. It can be learned by anyone, and you can apply it to yourself whenever you want, wherever you are.

How Does it Work?

The body, like everything in the universe, is composed of energy. Energy circulates through your body along a specific network of channels. You can tap into this energy at any point along the system. Tapping restores the body’s energy balance, and negative emotions are conquered and released.

Imagine the body’s energy system as a river.

Normally the flow of energy in the body is smooth and even, and all areas of the body receive ample amounts of energy. The trouble starts when negativity creeps in.

If you throw enough rocks in the river (I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, etc.) you will create turbulence in some areas, stagnation in others, and wild rapids elsewhere. These imbalances can cause a problem in the corresponding organ, or an inability to take action on what you know takes you closer to your goals.

Gently tapping on certain meridian points with the fingertips is used to release stuck energy and balance the energy flow. The physical act of tapping on these meridian points is like gently tapping on rocks in the river until they come loose. This allows the strength of the current to sweep them downstream, thereby releasing even more current to flow downstream.

Mrs. Gelly Asovski, LCSW-R has been in practice for fifteen years. EFT is one of the tools she uses: she finds it highly effective for the right situation. She recalls a specific patient for whom tapping provided a major breakthrough. “This child had severe anger issues and was opposed to any other form of therapy.

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A Personal Experience In the course of researching this article, I became intrigued with what I learned. I simply had to experience EFT for myself. I contacted Mrs. Miriam Weiss who, though quick to state that she is not a certified EFT specialist, sings the praises of the technique. She has practiced it both on herself, as well as on friends and family members, and was happy to provide a personal point of reference.

I met with Miriam in her home on a Tuesday afternoon. The moment I walked in, I felt comfortable: she is remarkably intuitive. After a quick discussion, we decided to work on my fear of thunderstorms, which I developed after a series of traumatic, weatherrelated events.

We rated my fear a ten (the highest on the scale) and came up with a statement for me to repeat (see Want to try EFT?). She guided me through the various meridian tapping points and we did the tapping together. It was quiet and peaceful, and then something strange occurred. I felt an overwhelming sadness overcome me and I found myself close to tears. Miriam explained that anxiety often masks an underlying emotion.

Though the event precipitating my fear took place years ago, I had no idea I still felt sad about it!

By the time we were done, my fear had diminished to a seven. I found myself actually looking forward to the next thunderstorm, eager to see if I could get back to the place of wonder and inspiration I had once felt when lightning lit up the sky and thunder clapped.

“I’ve had experiences where it’s taken just two or three sessions for someone to resolve a phobia,” Mrs. Weiss shared. “The beauty of EFT is that people can learn and memorize the skill and then have it as a tool for life, free of charge.”

Mrs. Hendy Brecher, a friend of Miriam’s, has also adapted EFT as a go-to tool. “I was desperate for something to help me with my weight struggle, especially at night, when I seemed to gravitate to the pantry to nosh on something sweet. The day I did a session with Miriam, I had no cravings at all! I was so amazed, I wanted to find out more.”

Mrs. Brecher went to the library where she was able to access an online session with Gary Craig. She found a videoed session, which dealt specifically with weight loss. “They talked about the exact things I was feeling.

I was watching total strangers doing a tapping session, and it felt like they were talking to me!”

She learned the method and began to practice it, albeit not in a professional capacity. Mrs. Brecher

“The beauty of EFT is that people can learn and memorize the skill and then have it as a tool for life, free of charge.”

used EFT with a woman who came to meet with her, and in the course of their conversation she mentioned a specific fear. “I told her about EFT and we did an informal session for a few minutes. When she left my house the fear was completely gone. In fact, a while later, the same situation arose and remembering what a difference EFT made, she contacted me again. Once again EFT worked.” Mrs. Brecher, like Mrs. Weiss, extols the benefits of EFT, stating that, “It is a beautiful tool, because anyone (so long as they have the ability to comprehend) can do it.”

Carol Look is an EFT Master, trained as a Clinical Psychotherapist with a Doctoral Degree in Clinical Hypnotherapy. On her website, carollook.com, she states, “EFT is without a doubt the most elegant, exciting, impressive healing tool I have ever come across in over seventeen years in the mental health field. I have used EFT to help people eliminate many challenges including fears, physical pain, grief, weight loss, physical manifestations of stress, insomnia and more. At times the results are astounding.”

Carol cautions that EFT is not a cure all, rather a tool to be used in conjunction with other proven medical methods. It is not meant to replace adequate mental health counseling or physiological testing and

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treatment by authorized and licensed medical doctors.

It is also not a technique to be used by inexperienced clinicians or with severely disturbed people.

From Where Does EFT Originate?

The concept behind EFT comes from traditional Chinese medicine, which refers to the body’s energy as “chi.” In ancient times the Chinese discovered one hundred meridian points. They also discovered that by stimulating these meridian points, they could promote healing.

The development of “emotional acupuncture”, as the tapping methods are sometimes referred to, began with Dr. George Goodheart, a well-known chiropractor in the United States. He valued the benefits of acupuncture, but was looking for something less threatening

and

more

appealing

for his patients. He substituted simple

manual

pressure

for

the acupuncture needles, and found that he could obtain the same beneficial results!

In the 1970’s, an Australian

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psychiatrist, John Diamond, M.D., took Dr. Goodheart’s discovery a step further by creating a variation which he called “Behavioral Kinesiology”.

Then came a major and astonishing breakthrough.

Dr. Roger Callahan, who specialized in anxiety disorders, had been working for over two years with “Mary”. She was a patient of his who had such an overwhelming fear of water that she could not even get into a bathtub without triggering an anxiety attack. Although he had tried many anxiety reduction techniques with her, the progress had been slow and discouraging. She was unable to take her children to the beach or even drive near the ocean. She grew fearful when it rained, and had vivid nightmares involving water.

One day, they were sitting outside, the doctor’s backyard swimming pool in sight. Mary’s awareness of the water began to upset her. Dr. Callahan had

Want to try EFT? There are numerous online sources and books available to guide you through learning and integrating EFT tapping skills into your life. Three well-known sites are emofree.org (Gary Craig’s free website) eftuniverse.com and thetappingsolution.com (by the renowned author, Nick Ortner, who wrote a bestselling book on EFT by the same title). But don’t wait. Here is a quick step-by-step guide to experience EFT tapping right now along with a diagram that shows the meridian tapping points:

1. Start by identifying the problem you would like to work on.

2. Rate the intensity of the feeling on a scale of 0 – 10, 10 being most intense

been studying energy meridians associated with acupuncture, so when Mary remarked that she felt sick to her stomach whenever she saw or thought about water, Roger decided to try something new.

He knew the stomach meridian began under the eye, so he asked her to tap under her eye while she focused on her fear. After two minutes of tapping, she looked startled and said, “It’s gone.” She actually ran down to the pool and began splashing herself with water, thrilled that her disturbing phobia had disappeared. (Author’s note: Though not every EFT session will result in such an absolute and immediate response, major change can and does happen, as did in this case).

Based on this remarkable discovery, Dr. Callahan began working to develop and refine the technique, which he termed Thought Field Therapy. Gary Craig, who trained under Dr. Callahan in the 1990’s, used the concepts and simplified them into a user friendly, easy method he called EFT. EFT uses elements of cognitive therapy and exposure therapy, and combines them with acupressure, in the form of fingertip tapping on 12 acupuncture points. Thousands of people have since successfully used EFT to cure illnesses and resolve emotional problems.

TIPS Technique •

Tap with your fingertips, not your

fingernails.

•

Use firm but gentle pressure, as if you

were drumming on the side of your desk or testing a melon for ripeness.

•

Use two fingers on smaller, sensitive

areas and four fingers on the wider areas including the head, the collarbone and under the arm.

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3.

By either massaging your “sore spot” or by tapping your “karate chop point”, say three times...

Even though I have this (insert problem here) ______________, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

4. Then, tapping on each point approximately seven times and starting from the eyebrow point, tap on each point in the order they appear down the body.

After the under-arm point, finish off the cycle at the top of the head.

5. Do this tapping sequence twice along either side of the body 6. Once you have done two rounds of tapping, score the intensity again. The problem could have: a. Disappeared completely - well done! b. Reduced in intensity - do more rounds of tapping, adjusting the wording appropriately (Even though I still feel a bit sad or I have this remaining sadness, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.) c. Changed to something else, or in the case of a physical pain, moved to elsewhere in the body (do further rounds of tapping, adjusting the wording appropriately).

MY EFT

BREAKTHROUGH As told by Mrs. Shira Klein*, Special Education Services Coordinator

My involvement in the field of special education predates the birth of my special needs child. He is now six years old, and when he was first born I was prepared to do anything to help him. But the truth is that over the years, the financial and emotional challenge has taken a toll on both me and my husband. It was starting to affect everything in our lives.

We began to realize that in order to continue helping our son, we needed to help ourselves

d. Increased in intensity - this is relevant

first. When my husband found out about EFT,

feedback and again alter your wording to fit

it sounded like the perfect plan; a one-time

what you are feeling as you do further rounds

investment, for a lifetime skill. He signed up for

of tapping.

a ten-day training course.

Stop when you feel relief and ready to move on.

As you can imagine, as someone who works in the field, I am extremely involved in my son’s education and with his staff of therapists and

Feeling skeptical?

In addition to the thousands of success stories online, statistics and data emphasize the potential power and often-incredible results of EFT.

to date in peer-reviewed medical and psychology journals, demonstrating the effectiveness of EFT. • EFT research includes investigators affiliated with many different institutions in more than ten

• Over five million people a month search online

countries. In the US, these include: Harvard Medical

for “EFT tapping” and related terms, and the five

School, University of California at Berkeley, City

highest-traffic EFT web sites have over two million

University of New York, Walter Reed Military Medical

page views a month.

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• Over one hundred papers have been published

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teachers. We meet once a month to review his

final round, tapping and repeating only positive

progress (or lack thereof). During one meeting,

thoughts.

I felt like I had just had it. I felt like we had reached a plateau and I was ready to give up.

Seeing my misery and dejection one night during my son’s bedtime, my husband pulled me into the room with my son. Sitting with my son in front of us, my husband told me, “Just tap along with me.” He started articulating feelings that were buried deeply within me. “This is so hard. We have put in so much time, effort and money; yet, he is six years old and barely talking.

Let me tell you, it was an extremely intense half hour, but when we finished I felt new, I felt such relief. I hugged and kissed my son and said, “Tatty and Mommy love you so much. We are looking forward to your progress but we love you just the way you are.” I felt a really strong an emotional connection.

As I mentioned, this happened at bedtime and in just a little while I was scheduled to have his

It is physically and emotionally draining to have

monthly staff meeting in my house. I was so

to put him to sleep in a crib. Changing his diaper

emotionally drained, I wasn’t sure that I could

at this age is so hard for me.” On and on he went,

pull it off. I was very tempted to cancel but

with me repeating and tapping along.

decided to push myself. In the end it turned out

When we stopped, I burst out crying and cried

to be the most effective team meeting to date. I

and cried and cried. When I calmed down, I dried

found myself out of my self-imposed emotional

my tears and then my husband said, “We are

box, able to step outside of my usual place of

finished with all the negative statements. Now let’s counter them with positive statements.”

Together, we continued tapping and repeating, “Even though we have spent so much money, it is okay since he has made great strides. Yes, he isn’t talking much, but he is definitely progressing with his speech and communicating his needs.

Although he still sleeps in a crib, he is certainly

inner turmoil. I was finally able to clearly focus on my son’s needs. The results we subsequently saw from that meeting were amazing.

That was seven months ago. The experience was truly life altering. I have found something invaluable, but free; something I can do for myself, anytime, anywhere and feel better

coming closer to the understanding of sleeping

afterwards! I have started incorporating EFT

safely in a bed. We finally reached the stage

into other aspects of my life as well, and I am

where were considering toilet-training.” Together

amazed by how simple and effective it is.

we listed the things he could do. We then did a

*name changed to protect privacy

Center, Texas A&M University, JFK University.

• EFT has been researched by more than sixty

Institutions in other countries whose faculty have

investigators, whose results have been published in

contributed to EFT research include Staffordshire

more than twenty different peer-reviewed journals

University (United Kingdom), Lund University

including: Journal of Clinical Psychology, the APA

(Sweden), Ankara University (Turkey), Santo Tomas

journals Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice,

University (Philippines), Lister Hospital (England),

Training and Review of General Psychology, and

Cesar Vallejo University (Peru), Bond University

the oldest psychiatric journal in North America,

(Australia), and Griffith University (Australia).

the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease.

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B y: Chav i Nu ssb au m

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I

t’s a miracle I can hear the phone ringing over the

authoritatively.

smoothie recipe.”

“Oooh, yum! Tell me!” A pause.

“It

works,

I’m

telling you.”

“I can eat it in, like, eight weeks.

I refuse to laugh. “Maybe I’ll try

Katzenberg, Shaindel.

Unless I’m overdue. Not that I’m

some beets,” I say. “That should

I pick up. “Hi,” I yell over

counting or anything.”

turn it red.”

sound of the blender.

I laugh reluctantly. “You don’t

“Sure, I always say, beets improve

are

want this kind of smoothie. I’m

everything.” She pauses and then

you doing gut renovations, or

making it for Shimmy. A new

says, “Is this from the same guy

something?”

nutrition program I’m trying.”

who recommended that liquid diet

the roar.

“Very

“Woah,

funny.”

Esther,

I

switch

off

thing last year?”

“What’s in it?”

the blender. “Though with the

“All sorts of things,” I try to say

wreckage Shimmy created this

vaguely, but she waits expectantly,

morning, it does look like it.”

and I burst out, “Chard, collard

Shaindy clucks. “That kind of morning again?”

oil. And strawberries!” I finish

“Every morning is that kind of morning.”

She

sighs

and

greens, nutritional yeast, hemp

tries

again.

“Seriously, what was that noise? It

Forget it, I am not telling her about my plan to go to Argentina.

“No! Shaindy… you just don’t understand.”

“Hey, I’m the one on this whole fancy diet here.” She sighs. “You

defensively. “To make it sweet!”

“Ah.” It’s not often that Shaindy

know, before I got married, I was so

is stunned into silence. “And is it?

normal.” Normal? Ha. Shaindy was

Sweet, I mean?”

perfect – the perfect family, the

sounded like a helicopter landing

“I didn’t taste it,” I mutter.

perfect resume, the perfect catch.

on your house.”

“Shimmy will eat it?”

“Now I’m this hormonal, exhausted

I glower at the blender like it

“I don’t know.” I stare at the

basket case who can’t even eat

has personally wronged me. “Just

blender, then at the latest foot-

normally. Everyone else in shana

the blender. I’m making a new

sized gouge in the sheetrock. I have

rishona is cooking nine-course

to find a way to get Shimmy to eat

dinners…” She trails off.

this. “I figured if it was red he would be willing to eat it. That’s why I put in the strawberries. Organic strawberries, of course. But it’s still

“Yeah, well, gestational diabetes is temporary.”

Quiet. “I’m sorry,” Shaindy says, finally.

I grit my teeth and reach for the

green.”

40,”

beets. “Well, if this works… maybe

says Shaindy

Shimmy’s stuff will be temporary

“Red

too!”

••• I’m standing still and staring at the playroom carpet when I hear Moish’s car pull up. It’s getting dark

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phone.

“They

messed

up the first installation. It’s not my out, and if you squint, the stain kind of blends in.

Blends in, ha.

I hear Moish come in and I just wait for him, right there in the playroom near the big, beet-red stain, so he can ask and we can get it over with as soon as possible.

He looks, and thinks, and finally says, “So… the nutrition thing didn’t work.”

You can’t always fix everything,” he says. Then he disappears, so I can’t even argue with him.

fault dye lots change! I’m calling them right now.”

Moish doesn’t move. “You can try,” he says calmly. “I already did, many times. This is how they work.”

I can practically feel my blood jumping through my veins as I pick up the phone; that adrenalin surge I get when I commit myself to solve a problem. “Well,” I say determinedly, “this is how I work.”

•••

“It’s not the nutrition thing that

In

didn’t work,” I flare, even though I know it’s not his fault. “It’s Shimmy who won’t do the work!”

Moish is silent for a beat, then says, “Well, I actually got a call from the carpet place today, about the problem with the living room carpet. They’re coming tomorrow morning. Does that work for you?”

I struggle for composure. “Should be okay. Thanks for taking care of it.”

“And don’t worry about the playroom. I told them to replace the playroom carpet too, anyway.”

“What?” The living room carpet wasn’t installed properly and it’s coming up in places; the playroom was installed okay. “Why would

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they do that? Isn’t it going to be exactly the same carpet?”

“Exactly the same, just a different dye lot. Plus what we have now has been exposed for six months already. The rooms are contiguous, so if we don’t replace the playroom also, it will look funny.”

I shrug. “Okay, I guess that’s what happens if you don’t install it properly the first time.”

Moish looks up. “The living room and hallways they’re doing free of charge, but we’re paying for the playroom.”

“What!”

He shrugs.

“No way.” I stride toward the

our

family,

emergencies

always happen on Shabbos, so I settle down in the ER with a kind of

resigned

acceptance.

Then

Shaindy comes in.

“Wow, Shaindy, how did you know I was here?”

Shaindy blinks, and then I notice her husband hovering behind her.

“Esther?” Her voice is strange.

“How did you know I was here?”

Shaindy’s

husband

sweeps

her forward to triage and they disappear

behind

a

curtain.

“Katzenberg,” I can hear him say.

“K-AT-Z…” Oh my, I hope she’s okay. She looks okay. Right? But you don’t come to the ER on a Friday night if you’re okay! I should do something. Does

she need help? Will I be intruding?

Laundry

discount? We don’t owe them a

Is the baby okay? I always thought

Potato kugel

penny!”

gestational diabetes was no big

Challah

deal!

Pastries for Shaindy’s kiddush

me, I argued with them. There’s

Call Duvy’s Morah

nothing to do about it.”

Not that I bothered to think about it too much. Shaindy was the greatest girl, married the best boy,

Moish shakes his head. “Trust

Schedule Shimmy ENT

That’s where he’s wrong. “There’s always something to do.”

appointment

had a dream wedding, always had

Call carpet installers

everything under control.

Does anyone ever finish a To-Do

anything. But he pokes his head

list? I’m doing things all day, but

back through the doorway to add,

my list gets mysteriously longer

“You can’t always fix everything.”

instead of shorter.

Then he disappears, so I can’t even

That was the goal: to have everything

under

control.

Gestational diabetes, big deal.

How had I fallen into the trap of thinking her life was perfect?

The curtain parts and a stretcher appears. Shaindy’s husband strides rapidly

alongside

it,

forehead

Moish shrugs and doesn’t say

Moish walks in. “I’ve figured out why it’s called a ‘list,’” I tell him.

argue with him.

I hate it when he does that.

“Because just looking at it makes

•••

you feel listless.”

Moish laughs. “Anything I can help with?” He glances over my

“How’s the new mother?”

I sink down beside Shimmy’s bed.

shoulder. “Laundry, potato kugel,

Shaindy laughs and groans at the

He’s stable now, but we’ll probably

challah, not my forte. Want me to

same time. “You know how it goes.

be stuck here for Shabbos.

call the ENT? Wait, what’s with the

Baruch Hashem.”

knotted. Worried? Afraid?

And Shaindy? Is she stable?

Of course she is. She’ll be fine. It’s her first baby. She’s probably just overreacting. She’ll be down here

“I’m

carpet people?”

“I need to call them. About the playroom.”

spontaneously,

lunch,” as

if

I

my

subconscious had planned this all along and it’s just my conscious self

later, sheepish and apologetic, and

replacing the playroom carpet. I

that had to catch up. “Tell me what

we’ll schmooze the rest of Shabbos

thought we talked about this.”

you want. Bagels? Ziti? I know

potato

kugel

from

the

Bikur

Cholim closet.

But in the end Shimmy gets discharged early Shabbos morning,

looks

you

“They’re

over canned gefilte fish and cold

He

say

bringing

confused.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to pay for it. Why should we have to pay for

about the chocolate milkshake already.”

it? If they had done the living room

Shaindy laughs again. Why does

right the first time, we wouldn’t

she sound so strained? “No, no, it’s

need to redo the playroom now.”

fine. I’m fine. Really. Just tired, new mother stuff. Baruch Hashem, not

and I wheel him back home in time

Moish sighs. “Yeah, I know. But

for the seudah, so it’s not until

I talked to them a million times

Motzei Shabbos that I get the call.

already. They gave us a discount on

“I know you’re not complaining!”

Mazel tov! It’s a girl!

the playroom, twenty percent. But

I feel inexplicably angry. “I want to

I don’t think we’re going to –”

bring you a nice lunch. A kimpeturin

•••

“Discount? Who cares about a

complaining.”

has to eat!”

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grace that she lost expecting Her pause

makes

me anxious. Is there something going on?

“You’re going to shlep Shimmy out and everything?”

“Shimmy’s at school.” Why is she making excuses? “Shaindy?” I’m at a loss for how to ask this. “Is something… wrong?”

“Wrong?” That laugh again. “No, why do you think something’s wrong?”

“Well,” I say, picking my words carefully,

“your

good

friend

announced that she’s bringing you an amazing, nourishing, delicious, hot, fresh lunch – and you’re not letting her come over.”

“Oh.” Shaindy’s quiet. “Sorry.”

More quiet. Then a sigh. “Well, if you’re going to imagine the worst I’ll just tell you… I wasn’t in the mood of talking about it yet… but…”

I knew it. I knew it! Something went

wrong

in

the

delivery,

something is wrong with the baby, and now Shaindy is going to have a Shimmy – a SHIMMY! Shaindy! “… but the diabetes didn’t go away.”

That was so not what I was

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to hear, I couldn’t process it. “What?”

“The diabetes. Usually it goes away after delivery… but in some cases it doesn’t… and I’m one of

when the diabetes hit. “What are you going to do?” I ask finally.

“Do?” Her voice sounds strange.

“What can I do? But it doesn’t matter… I’m pretty sure I can still have a fairly good life!”

those cases.”

•••

I’m silent.

“Esther, you’re the first person I’m telling. I didn’t tell anyone yet, because I don’t want to have to deal with their reactions.”

“What?” It’s like the only thing I can say.

“And then I’ll have to comfort them, and say, ‘Oh, it’s not so bad, there are worse things.’ Which is true, but…”

the old carpet and the new.

Moish is right: they’re not exactly

carpet in our house is already six months old, but stain or no stain, the playroom needs to be replaced.

It would just look weird otherwise.

I guess twenty percent is better

I know!

“So I can’t really accept your offer of ziti and milkshakes, much as I would love to… I have to stick with my special diet, like before.

Esther, are you there?”

I clear my throat. “I’m here.”

“You’re not saying anything.”

That’s because I, of all people, there

isn’t

really

anything to say.

I think of the elaborate shana rishona

can’t resist comparing the colors of

dye lot thing or just because the

I know!

that

try to stay out of their way, but I

the same. I don’t know if it’s the

“Like, the pity, you know?”

know

When the carpet guys show up I

dinners

that

Shaindy

misses preparing and the flawless

than nothing.

I stay in the kitchen, cooking, while the men work. By the time they’re done I have Shaindy’s lunch ready to go – baked potatoes, broccoli

and

cheese,

avocado-

blueberry pudding. (I resist the faint urge to add some chard.)

As the guys finish working I

watch

from

the

playroom

doorway, breathing in the smell of new carpet. They hand Moish an invoice, and he casts me an

anxious glance as he pays them.

“It’s for Shimmy,” I say stiffly.

But I don’t say anything.

“Oh…”

Even after they leave I stand

Mira

looks

“Yeah…

there’s

an

institute

confused.

there that I think can help

“That’s… nice! I could never get

Shimmy. They do craniosacral

in the playroom for a long time,

therapy combined with a kind

staring down at the brand-new

of advanced yoga routine. It’s

carpet, where there is no longer

supposed to normalize the blood

even the memory of a stain.

flow throughout the body and

But all I can think of is, that perfection, like control, is just an illusion.

••• Sometimes I just need to get out of my head and out of my house, which is why I find myself in Kosher Market on Wednesday.

That’s what we’ve come to – a “break”

means

going

to

the

grocery store instead of having

improve brain function.”

I didn’t tell anyone yet, because I don’t want to have to deal with their reactions

Mira is silent.

“They

offer

program

with

a

four-week

long-distance

follow-up afterward.” Why do I feel like I have to defend myself?

“My husband could take some time off of work, maybe my mother could help out. I would love to go with someone though.”

I tilt my head toward Yirmi.

Surely Mira could understand?

“Yirmi’s made tons of progress

the groceries delivered. Still, I’m

lately,” Mira says, as though she

alone – that counts for something.

hasn’t heard a word. “We switched

I meet Mira by the tomatoes.

OTs, and it’s really helping. Right,

She’s not alone; Yirmi is sitting

Yirmi?” Yirmi looks up and gives

in the cart, slumped over the

Yirmi to eat something like that!”

her a slow, slanted smile. Mira

handlebar.

She smiles fondly at Yirmi. “He

lights up. “You see! I told you!” She

survives on pretzels. Or should I

laughs in delight and pulls Yirmi

say, I survive because he survives

close. As close as his crash helmet

on pretzels!”

allows, anyway.

“Esther, wow, long time no see!

How are you?”

“Good, Baruch Hashem. You?” Mira glances at my cart. “Baby kale?”

I shrug.

“A

fancy-salad

lady

you

became,” she teases. “Since when do you have time to read the magazines?”

My thoughts are all jumbled

I watch her walk away.

up; maybe this is a mistake, but

Progress,

maybe Mira could understand

perfection.

better than Shaindy. “I’m thinking of going to Argentina,” I blurt.

Mira “Argentina?”

looks

shocked.

she

said.

Not

Then I count to ten. Look around to make sure no one is watching. And put the baby kale back on the shelf.

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Q&A

With Mordechai Weinberger, LCSW

T

he following is a loosely transcribed excerpt from a question and answer session with R' Mordechai Weinberger, LCSW that took place during Rayim’s Shabbos Retreat.

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There are no definite, one-size-fits-all answers to the questions presented here. However, we can try to address each question to the best of our a b i l i t y a n d t h e l i s t e n e r s c a n a p p ly w h a t e v e r i s r e l e va n t t o t h e m … ”

Q:

Our special-needs child disrupts

need too much one-on-one time, as long as it

our Shabbos table each and every

is quality, “me, time”.

week. When he leaves for a Shabbos, the

Another opportunity that such a Shabbos

children feel the difference and express their

presents, is for parents to discuss with their

resentments towards him.

children their feelings about their special-

A:

I once had a parent share with me

needs sibling. The most important part of the

that his son – a sibling of a child

discussion is listening.

Listening intently

with terminal cancer – expressed himself

and uninterruptedly to the child is the most

once, “I wish I would’ve been sick”. He went

valuable tool in therapy. When hearing the

on complaining about how much attention

frustration in the child’s words, validate

‘Moishy’ gets, how often his parents sleep

it, and just continue questioning about the

over in the hospital with ‘Moishy’. His inner

difficulty of having a sibling with special

voice, his soul, was crying, “What about me??”

needs. Continue asking and listening, on and

Therefore, to address that yearning for

on, without offering any advice or ideas. You

attention, a Shabbos without the special-

might be surprised at how much your child

needs child home gives the parents an

will share, including incidents he experienced

important opportunity. It is a time to give

years earlier. After your child has expressed

personal attention and quality time to every

himself and released all the negative

single child in the family. A child doesn’t

emotions, you’ll notice the absolute relief it

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41

will result in, without you having provided the

functioning and thinking takes place. Deeper

advice or solutions. Hug and kiss your child to

inside, is the subconscious area of the person’s

reinforce your love and your total acceptance of

brain, where all the feelings and emotions

everything the child expressed.

happen. That area doesn’t process logic or time.

Q:

Fair is not equal and equal is not fair.

the future, he might have feelings of dread or

How do we explain this to our children,

anxiety taking him over in the present, even

when they feel jealousy towards their special-

if that situation hasn’t occurred yet. That is

needs sibling?

because his subconscious thinking does not

A:

This question is actually relevant to

If we compare the person’s energy levels to

when there’s a child with special needs in the

that of a gas tank, we know that a tank can

family, this issue becomes a lot more pressing.

only supply gas to the engine as long as it has

A common question in the world of psychology

unable to function.

We, as parents, generally put the needs of

When parents spend time with their child, the

our family before our own, requiring lots of

child interprets that as love.

physical and emotional energy on our part.

When a sibling of a special-needs child

However, Hashem has created us in a way

expresses jealousy of the support, gifts and

that our executive thinking does not function

privileges the sibling receives, it might be helpful

when we operate on an empty ‘tank’. When this

to sit down and discuss it with him. You may

happens, a person will naturally begin relying

want to make that child aware that he could’ve

on the inner, subconscious area of the brain.

been the child born with the disability instead

This will subsequently cause him to exhibit

of his sibling. You can take it a step further, and

feelings of anxiety and guilt, and expressions

discuss graphically what might have transpired

of negative energy.

in shamayim before they were born. Perhaps his

person’s energy levels are depleted, the act of

sibling offered to take the disability instead of

“displacement” may occur. For example, when a

him; how fortunate and grateful he should feel.

person is angry at his boss, but cannot express

Of course, all of this has to be age-appropriate

it to him personally, he might take his anger out

and in tune with the nature and sensitivities of

on his child.

Q:

Furthermore, when a

When one experiences these scenarios, it’s critical to refill the ‘gas tank’. Ask yourself: Am

As parents, how should we deal with

I getting adequate sleep? Did I eat nutritious

our feelings of guilt when we ‘lose it’

food today? When we stay attuned to our basic

with our special-needs child, or our frustration

human needs, we enable our cortex, our logical

with our other children for what we perceive as

thinking, to counteract any feelings of guilt

their lack of understanding?

or inadequacy. So, remember to take care of

A:

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gas inside. Once the tank is empty, the engine is

Ph.D. explains that love to a child means TIME.

the child being spoken to.

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process logic or a sense of time.

any home with a family of children, but

is, “What does love mean to a child?” Dr. Twerski,

42

When a person worries about something in

As parents, it’s very easy for us to

yourself first, so that you can take care of your

slip down that slippery slope called

family.

guilt. But, let’s discuss how guilt works on a

On a simpler note, it’s good to bear in mind

physiological level. The front part of the brain,

the general concept that when a person takes

the cortex, also known as the conscious asocial

an exam for a degree or license, nobody expects

thinking, is where all the person's executive

him to score a straight 100%. When one scores an

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gave us this challenge and we will im yirtzeh Hashem take care of this child to the best of our ability.” Or you may try, “Thank you so much for

The complex dynamics o f c l o s e f a m i ly r e l at i o n s h i p s w i t h i n our frum world, sometimes affects our marriage and our ability to make decisions as a couple.

your advice; I appreciate how much you care.”

A grandparent may want to insist on the help or advice she wants to give, but continuing this type of grounding, will help them feel that you’re doing okay. Eventually, it will create the separation you need to function as a healthy couple.

The complex dynamics of close family relationships within our frum world, sometimes affects our marriage and our ability to make decisions as a couple. Therefore, when a couple is faced with a challenge like this, they are forced to create the necessary separation that is

average grade, it reflects their basic knowledge of the material.

Similarly, we shouldn’t rate ourselves based on our infrequent failures, because when it comes to the big picture we can Baruch Hashem include many positive experiences we are proud of.

Q:

When grandparents or close family members don’t accept or understand

the gravity of the situation, how do we deal with advice, criticism or judgment?

A:

Firstly, we have to realize that, as frum yidden, we are very family oriented and

we all regard ourselves as part of “one family”.

Therefore, when a parent realizes a child has a disability, a grandmother or aunt will take it personally and naturally feel like, “Hey, this is my einikel”, or “This is my niece”. They feel like a part of the process. They worry for the child, feel protective, etc. All of these messages demonstrate how much they care about us. But, inadvertently the boundaries often become blurred.

essential for a healthy marital relationship.

In the event grandparents aren’t emotionally capable of accepting their children’s decisions and requests for help, we should realize that it’s just an expression of their inner pain.

Their sarcasm and negativity often mask their awkwardness and inability to face reality.

Let’s remember that along with the challenge, Hashem granted parents of special-needs children, special kochos and understanding that the extended family does not possess.

Furthermore, while the parents deal with the hardship of raising their special needs child, the grandparents feel like they are dealing with the additional challenge of watching the parents, their children, suffer.

On a practical note, it is worthwhile to maintain a balance with close family members by sharing certain bits of positive news

and

milestones.

happy It

makes them feel like

It may be very helpful to tell parents in such cases, “I understand that you’re worried, and I thank you so much for caring about us, but right now Hashem S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7

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they’re not in the dark and have no cause to

We can practice that with all our children

worry needlessly. On the other hand, sharing

using the words, tone and body language that

too much might blur the boundaries and cause

the rude kids would employ. For example, you

them to be overly interested and involved.

would say to your child, “Your friend might tease you saying ‘you’re as crazy as your brother’

Q:

How can we change our children’s sense

or ‘look, two crazy kids are walking together’”.

of embarrassment when identifying

Then, we can use another tactic called role play

themselves as siblings of a special-needs child?

and practice with the child. The approach can

A:

When

we

acceptance

model of

our

unconditional

include answering back, word for word, the

special-needs

same sentences that other children would use

child, when we demonstrate our lack of self-

to tease your child. For example:

consciousness and pride, we pave the way for our children to follow our example.

Recently, there was a study conducted to determine how much of what we say is absorbed by our children, and which parts of our speaking impacts them the most. The communication was divided in to three basic categories: Body language and facial expression Tone of voice Actual words The study showed that 55% of what we communicate is based on our body language, 38% is based on tone of voice, and only 7% is related to the actual words spoken.

In other words, when walking on the street

The study showed t h at 5 5 % o f w h at w e c o m m u n i c at e is based on our body l anguage, 38% is based on tone of voice, a n d o n ly 7 % i s r e l at e d t o t h e actual words spoken.

with your kids, your body language is going to convey 55% of your message. If you’re tense and nervous, stressed out about having to be seen in public with your special-needs child, your children will sense that, and internalize it. A parent doesn’t need to ‘change’ a child’s attitude towards their sibling; the parent’s body language and tone of voice when dealing with the special needs child, will teach him everything.

Another line of reasoning that I’d like to point out: kids are kids and they will make

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Parent in role play says, “You’re as crazy as you’re brother.”

The child in role play responds, “You’re as crazy as your brother.”

You answer him, “You’re trying to imitate me.”

The child responds, “You’re trying to imitate me.”

mistakes and make hurtful comments to

And so on; your child uses the same words a

your children. We can’t avoid that, but we can

kid might use bouncing it back and forth. The

empower our children to handle the situation

effectiveness of preparing and role playing

properly. In therapy, when we deal with a child

with your child using this approach can be very

who is struggling socially and is being ridiculed

empowering to him. It gives him the shield he

or bullied by his peers, we use a tool which

needs to feel protected and equipped against

“prepares” him for what might happen at school.

any form of bullying.

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in

perspective Featuring: The Power of One If There Is A Will There Is A 'Way' The Wallet S u m m e r / 2 0 1 7

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A

By: Israel Fried

n accomplished writer, while writing a biography of the famous symphony conductor, Arturo Toscanini, called and asked Toscanini if he could pay him a visit. The great maestro told him that he was busy that night. He planned to listen to a radio program play a concert whose songs he had composed the previous year. The writer asked if he could join him and then discuss

the concert. Toscanini agreed on condition that he would not be disturbed or distracted by the writer’s presence during the program. That evening they sat together and listened to the performance intently.

When it was over, the writer exclaimed in awe, “Wasn’t that magnificent?”

“No,” Toscanini answered disappointedly. “There were supposed to be one hundred twenty musicians, among them fifteen violinists, but I could tell that only fourteen were present.”

The writer could not believe his ears, but did not dare question the great maestro.

However, he wanted to verify if Toscanini was right. The next morning, he called the director of the orchestra and asked him how many musicians were supposed to be in the orchestra, and how many had actually shown up. The director told him that there were supposed to be one hundred twenty musicians, but one of the fifteen violinists called in sick. The writer was in awe. He could not possibly understand how Toscanini could have noticed the missing sound of one violin.

That night he returned to Toscanini and asked him how he was able to discern the missing notes in an orchestra of one hundred twenty instruments. Toscanini answered with authority, and said, “There is a great difference between you and me. As part of the audience, everything sounds beautiful to you. But I, as composer and conductor, have written this piece of music down to the tiniest detail, and when a note is missing, I hear it".

In a symphony of a thousand musical notes, every note makes a difference – but it’s only the conductor who can recognize and appreciate it.

This true anecdote offers us profound insight into how Hashem runs the world, with hashgacha pratis. We may not notice the degree to which another person studies Torah or observes the mitzvos, for we are part of the audience. But to the Conductor of the World Symphony, Who knows every note of music that one has potential to play, every machshavah, every word, every action makes a huge difference. Each detail is recognized, recorded and valued. Although we live in an era where we can be led to believe that we understand all that we see and hear, it’s important to remember that we are only part of the audience. We are spectators. The person notes and sounds each individual creates is listened to and heard by the One On High.

In times of hardship, let us not lose our strength. Let this message serve as a chizuk to us whenever we have to make the better choice and push ourselves a little harder. Maybe, just maybe, that’s the one small prayer or pe'ulah that Hashem is waiting for. Maybe this one extra bit of struggle or pain is the one note missing in your personal song. In the magnificent symphony of your life, your tafkid, only you can compose the chorus of your unique avodah, acceptance and ahavas Hashem. Shiri lo shir chadash…

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only eight. Clear violation of regulations, y’know. How Dear Reader,

do you respond to that charge, sir?”

The young man rose and addressed the judge

Please read the following selection and

respectfully. “Your Honor, may I be so bold to suggest

answer the question below. Your answer

something practical? My car is parked downstairs in

will not be graded, but knowing the right

front of the courthouse. Would Your Honor be kind

one will make a difference in your life. You

enough to come down and see for himself if this charge

do not have to hand in the answer sheet,

makes any sense? How would sixteen people be able to

since it belongs only to you. Good - Luck!

fit into my minivan?”

The judge obliged, and followed by Officer Roberts, the young man in question, the clerk and the rest of his

T

he courtroom was quiet. True, it was only a motor vehicle violation. But a judge’s presence, and that moment when one human being decides the fate of another,

always results in silence. Even if its only a fine or points on a license, it’s still judgement.

So, this is how the story goes.

The judge tells the young man, “Officer Roberts here has issued you a ticket for having sixteen people squeezed into your Toyota Sienna that seats

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entourage, he made his way downstairs.

When they reached the street and the spot where the car was parked, the young man clicked his car keys, opened the door, and allowed the judge to look inside.

The judge squinted and shook his head. The guy was right. He could not see how so many people could’ve been seated in this van. He then proceeded, with the authority vested in him, to ask passersby to stop and sit in to the van. By the time the ninth passerby sat in, it was tight. The tenth person the judge stopped was

IF THERE IS A WILL THERE IS A 'WAY'

By: M. Deutsch

downright uncomfortable and raised his eyebrows in

the other hand were heading to our rebbe for slichos.

surprise. “You want me to squeeze into that crowded

We all were determined to get there. We got up

van?” he asked skeptically. “No way I fit in there.”

really early and when we sat in, we inhaled, exhaled,

The judge motioned that it was time to head back

turned, twisted and maneuvered ourselves in a way

up into the courtroom, the real place for thinking

that enabled everyone to join the ride. Each one of

and reason. Once in his chambers, he pounded his

us not only wanted to get there, we also desperately

gavel and in a confident voice announced, “Case

wanted our friends to get there. Suddenly, there was

dismissed.”

a lot more space.”

The assembled dispersed and the young man left with a triumphant smile.

Once outside the young man felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see Officer Robert standing next to him. “Your shpiel with the judge was very clever. You got away with it this time. But you and I know that when I stopped you, I really did count sixteen passengers in your van. How did you manage to fit them all in?”

The young man smiled and explained. “When the judge asked passersby to sit into my van, they were random people with no special interest in the matter, or in each other, except to oblige the judge. We, on

Please answer the following reading. Base your answer on the selection above and the wisdom you’ve gleaned from your life experiences.

Moral of the story: A - If you want something really badly, with a little extra effort you can make it happen.

B - It’s important to make place for others “on the ride”.

C - There’s always much more to what we see, than meets the eye.

D - All of the above!

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Wallet The

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By: M. Deutsch

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world

of call. He would take his wallet! Cash or credit

was something he had planned

card, he would buy whatever he needed in each

for a very long time. He knew

place, once he got there. He wouldn’t shlep, he

retirement was going to be his

would travel light in every sense of the word….

time to reward himself for a

Exhale.

he

cruise

around

the

lifetime of hard work and careful spending.

Now, all that was left to do was pack.

We travel the journeys and voyages of life, with many stops along the way. We visit shores

He thought of the cities in the cold climates

we never knew existed, and we are awed by

he was going to visit. There were stops in

the beauty of the panoramas we behold. We

Alaska, Iceland, and glaciers in the Arctic

experience

Circle. He would need a warm parka, gloves,

extreme heat and extreme cold, fear, joy,

hats, boots, thermal leggings; the list was long.

exhilaration, and wonder. Hashem has given

He would be going to islands in the Carribbean,

each one of us our own unique itinerary, and

the Bahamas, Costa Rica, and the tropical

we all traverse different lands, at different

jungles in Southeast Asia. Insect repellent,

times. What to take along?

seasickness,

motion

sickness,

sunscreen, light clothing, sandals, and a straw

For every moment, for every matzav, every

hat, were definitely a must. And those were

dilemma and every decision, we need only

only for some of the things he needed for some

have our wallet, our siddur and Tehillim! Which

of the destinations, in addition to the basics.

therapy? Which treatment? Which approach?

He had already included sweaters, sneakers,

How much, for how long, at what cost? How to

nightwear, toothpaste, slippers, a raincoat,

ease the pain? How to travel with less baggage?

radio, swimwear, camera; it was endless. How

There’s always an answer. Tefillah! Looking for

was he ever going to manage with so much

clarity? For direction? For peace of mind? Talk

baggage? Beads of sweat rolled down his

to your loving Father. He’s waiting for you to

forehead and his temples were throbbing. This

reach out. Need to unburden? To explain? To

was becoming very overwhelming. Wasn’t this

share? The words are there, articulating your

supposed to be fun?

emotions. Full of gratitude and simcha? Take

He sat and contemplated. There must be a better way to travel. There must be a way to

those feelings and express them with song and a prayer that speaks of hope for the future.

do this in style. Then inspiration struck! Bingo!

We are blessed. Our “wallets”, our connection

The solution was so simple and obvious. He

to Hashem, enables us to have exactly what we

would take along only one item, the only thing

need every stop of the way. Here’s to a beautiful

that was necessary no matter where his port

journey.

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By: Dini Landau

PILLARS of STRENGTH Strength and courage shared by three determined mothers

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he following three interviewees are parents of special needs children. Their trials and triumphs are similar to what most parents go through while raising a special needs child. What distinguishes these children is the common thread they share; their healthy ‘regular’ appearance belies the disabilities they contend with. That is a gift that makes life easier in many ways, yet the flip side of the coin is surprising. It is often more difficult to get services, school placement, and most importantly, understanding and sympathy. May these courageous and determined women serve as role models to yiddishe mamehs, everywhere, every day.

Tell us a little about the time that led up to your child’s diagnosis?

Esther Schapiro*: Our beautiful

suggested that I evaluate her through

Baby girl was born on a balmy morning.

Early Intervention.

Our excitement and happiness knew

I was lacking even the most basic

no bounds as she gave us that glorious

understanding of development. All I

title ‘parents’. From the very beginning,

knew was that she was our first baby,

there was no quiet or rest; she was an

and she cried all the time. Who knew

extremely colicky baby. The first six

or noticed her development? An Early

months of her life, Rivkah didn’t sleep

Intervention assessment determined

for more than forty to sixty minutes at a

that

time. She also had digestive difficulties,

delayed and lacked basic eye contact.

which caused her a lot of stomach pain

She had low muscle tone and was given

and discomfort.

OT and PT.

Rivkah

was

At this point,

developmentally

When Rivkah was three months old, a

When she was eleven months old,

family member mentioned that perhaps

given her lack of awareness and

she cried so much because she is not

play skills, my service coordinator

able to process sensory input properly,

recommended a special-ed evaluation

and is therefore uncomfortable. She

for her.

At this point, I began

*Names have been changed to protect identity. However, should anyone like to contact any of our interviewees for further information or guidance, they can do so by reaching out to the Rayim office.

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wondering if there was some underlying issue I wasn’t

approved for twenty hours of ABA and additional

picking up. Rivkah was still not acknowledging us; it

related services.

was as if we were strangers to her. If she hurt herself,

I also went to the library, and took out every book

She started crawling after many

under the topic of autism, sensory processing disorder,

months of OT, but she had no direction; the crawling

ADD/ADHD, alternative techniques for the challenging

was aimless and she would sometimes go in circles, or

child, biomedical treatment, and the like. I geared up

bump in to objects, people, or walls. Since my sister-

with knowledge, and knowledge is power, especially

in-law has a child with autism, I began realizing that

when we are lucky enough to have the added benefit of

Rivkah exhibited certain similar behaviors. I shared

emunah, bitachon and tefillah.

she hardly cried.

my concerns with a friend who was in with the specialed field, and she explained to me the difficulty of diagnosing ASD at such a young age. She mentioned

Yocheved Reich*: My son Yehuda was a challenge since the day he was born. At two days old, when we

a study being conducted on younger children that

came home from the hospital, he lifted his head up,

involved a new eye-tracking technology. It would

off my mother’s shoulder and looked up and down the

enable a child to get a diagnosis at an earlier age.

block. My mother looked at him in shock, and then

The study was directed by Dr. Ami Klin, a professor

immediately told me, “Don’t ask me to babysit him.” And

at Marcus Autism Center, in Atlanta, GA. A timely

I never did!

diagnosis would mean that Rivkah would be entitled

From there on he developed like any other child. He

to more therapy and support, a critical factor for a child

reached his milestones on time, and he even said his

with developmental delay. With great siyatta d’shmaya,

first four words at eleven months of age. But that was

Rivkah was accepted into the study, free of charge.

it for the next few years. Once he reached toddlerhood,

At the conclusion of the study, we sat down to

he became very behaviorally challenging. Since he

discuss feedback and recommendations. Since they

couldn’t express himself, if he would need something, he

were not ready to give any specific diagnosis, they

would bite my knee. His play-group teachers described

strongly encouraged us to get more therapy, and push

him as a worker-bee who never stops moving; but it

for as much as possible. Our little girl was in a world

seemed like his only job was to destroy everything he

of her own. They emphasized, that as our child’s best

came in contact with.

advocates, we should never take no for an answer.

Our pediatrician advised us to have him evaluated.

When you hit a wall, they said, there is always a ladder

However, they couldn’t conduct a proper evaluation

that can be climbed (until the Supreme Court, literally).

since he was so impulsive and uncooperative. They

They reminded us that as citizens of this country, we

advised us to see a behavior specialist, who then sent

have rights we are entitled to, and we shouldn’t neglect

us to a psychiatrist. The doctors couldn’t figure him

to pursue them. They sent us off, asking us to return

out; he was a medical mystery. In the end, he was

before her second birthday.

diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. What his doctors

We left determined to get our daughter all the help

didn’t notice was his lack of social skills. His behavioral

possible! No matter how much we would be challenged,

issues masked his real diagnosis, and he was diagnosed

no matter how many bumps in the road we would

with ASD only much later, when he was in the second

encounter, we were going to help our daughter thrive.

grade. He finally started talking when he was three

When Rivkah was seventeen months old, we took

and half.

her to a neurologist who diagnosed her with ASD. He recommended ABA therapy and other related services.

Armed with paperwork from the neurologist, we began the uphill battle of requesting more services. It wasn’t simple and easy but after a series of additional evaluations and phone calls, Rivkah was finally

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Feigy Reichman*:

Shira was our second child

born after an uneventful pregnancy.

She seemed

perfect in every way, and we all envisioned a ‘perfect’ future for her. Since her early infancy however, I sensed that something off. I couldn’t put my finger on it and

everybody brushed off my concerns by telling

supportive and keeps close tabs on Shira’s

me not to compare to my older one. Being that

progress.)

she was only my second child, my pediatrician

From there we started our journey of

and close family members didn’t take me

therapies, programs and special education. It

seriously either, especially after Shira started

was great siyatta d’shmaya that Hashem sent

walking at the early age of eleven months. But

us an amazing therapist who tactfully shared

that’s when my uneasiness turned into worry.

with us her suspicion that Shira was autistic. I

I watched how she would run and fall, bump

had never seen a child with autism before and

into walls and random things, pick up toys and

had only the slightest understanding of the

throw them aimlessly. She also became very

world of special needs. It was with that lack of

impulsive and hyperactive, and it was obvious

information that we went to see a developmental

that Shira made no eye contact with me, or other

pediatrician who diagnosed Shira with PDD,

close family members.

Pervasive Develpmental Disorder, (ASD).

When I discussed my concerns with my

By now, Shira has advanced tremendously

pediatrician, he didn’t seem to grasp the

in all areas of her development. We integrated

seriousness of the situation, and instead advised

many different alternative programs, in addition

me to go for parenting courses. The fact that

to the OT/Speech/Special-Ed that she received

he didn’t believe me was very painful, but in

from EI/Board of Ed. I can say with certainty

retrospect I understand that all he saw was a

that we have seen lots of progress, and all the

gorgeous, active little girl. When she was around

different approaches we’ve tried have definitely

two years old and didn’t babble at all, he finally

contributed to Shira’s accomplishments. Now

noticed all the red flags I had seen all along.

seven years old, she attends a mainstream school

(Since that day he has been tremendously

and receives all her therapies after school.

How does your child’s condition impact the dynamics of your family life?

Esther: Rivkah is our oldest child. As a new

Today, she attends school, and receives all her

mother, I couldn’t understand or relate to my

therapies there, so our schedule is a lot more

friends with kids the same age. They were able

manageable.

to go out and socialize while their babies hung

Another area with which we struggled, is

close nearby, playing nicely. They were able

Rivkah’s difficulty to adapt to transition and

to happily share and compare milestones and

change. After we sleep trained Rivkah with a

enjoy motherhood. Our lives revolved around

professional, we consistently followed a strict

Rivkah’s therapy and slow progress. I had four

routine and had to stick to it like clockwork.

or five therapists coming through my door

Therefore, regardless of where we were, or what

daily. In our small Brooklyn apartment, there

we were doing, whether it was a family party

was no privacy for us as a young couple. I was

or simcha, we left at 5:15 to start the nighttime

happy that my daughter was receiving help, but

process punctually. If she didn’t have her

I had no life of my own. I was her caregiver and

routine, our days and nights were that much

her service coordinator every hour of the day.

more chaotic.

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Yocheved: is a struggle.

Everything that surrounds Yehuda He is always combative and forever

answering back. When he was younger, he always managed to have things going his way.

In a more practical sense, we always have to take Yehuda along with us wherever we go, since we never yet had anyone willing to babysit him. This affects us very much. We’re not invited places, because no one enjoys watching us battle with him. Over the years I’ve learnt how to control his condition. He used to run the house, but now I run the show.

Feigy:

Shira is very aware of her weaknesses and

strengths; she knows that she is challenged in a way that really affects her family. Since Shira has difficulties identifying her feelings, we recently started a program with her to help her become more self-aware.

B”H, Shira has come a very long way. As a toddler, our everyday life was extremely stressful and overwhelming. Had this interview been conducted four years ago, my answers would have been very different. Looking back, it’s amazing to see how far we’ve come. These days, daily life is smoother and more predictable.

One area of difficulty is her lack of grasp when it comes to indirect messages. We recently had an incident during the Shabbos table, where my husband gave Shira a fatherly tap on her shoulder. Shira did not understand the meaning of this loving gesture, and instead misinterpreted it negatively.

She suddenly

started to tantrum, pulling off the tablecloth, along with everything else on it. It took us a while to realize where things went wrong, and then to clarify the misunderstanding.

How do your immediate and extended family accept your child? How do they accept the choices you make concerning her/his wellbeing?

Esther: In the beginning of this journey, we found

fall into place. I must say, that although we were

ourselves under a barrage of questions and judgment.

lacking knowledge initially, there is so much we picked

Parents who B”H have children that are not delayed, or

up along the way. We learned so much from therapists,

don’t have concerns about their children’s development,

doctors and books we’ve read, that we probably know

can’t understand us. Also, since this was our oldest

more about childhood development and mental health,

child, some family members second-guessed us even

than most parents of healthy children. We live it every

more. They questioned whether we were overreacting,

day, and only a mother’s intuition notices and feels

and insisted we were uninformed. They kept telling us

when a child does not connect with her. Others only

to just take it easy, and that eventually things would

realize more obvious behaviors, which surface when

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the child is older.

Over time, many family members have come to understand and even respect our position. Some express their amazement at how well Rivkah is doing, and how much we’ve done for her. Then there are others, that will just say, “Look how well she is doing.

Who ever said there was a real concern?” That can be hurtful, and at times I find myself trying to defend and explain myself. However, by now, I just smile and say, “B”H she really is doing well.” I've learnt that I do not owe anyone any answers, explanations or justifications. I need to answer only to Hashem. It is only He that needs to know how much I nurtured, loved, cared for, and did for the special neshama he entrusted to me.

I realize that most people mean well, and sometimes people’s comments come from their own feelings of inadequacy. For example, a relative used to question me a lot; “Why label her, she is so young? Why can’t she have gluten? Why so much therapy? How do you know it makes a difference? I don’t see a problem with her; she is so cute.” After a while, I stopped excusing myself, but I didn’t appreciate her inundating me with questions.

Recently, she sent me a message that she respects me a lot for all I give Rivkah as a mother. She admires that I have the koach to stick to Rivkah’s special diet, and follow through with what I commit to. She shared with me that two of her children would benefit from such a diet, but she didn’t possess the will power to go through with it. It was then that I realized, that most of what she used to communicate to me, was actually admiration, she just didn’t know how to express or convey it.

On the flipside, going to any family gathering is challenging. While the adults sit together and chat, I need to stick near Rivkah at all times. She loves to socialize and play with the other children, but she has no safety awareness, or body awareness, and therefore needs full-time supervision.

Yocheved: Some of my family members accept him, and some don’t. There are many members of my family who will not have us over for a Shabbos, for fear of what he might do and how he will ruin their Shabbos table.

Then there are others, who pretend that everything is fine. They ignore all Yehuda’s negative behavior and don’t get involved in my parenting. They offer endless amounts of encouragement and support.

Feigy:

Since we got the diagnosis, we were very

open with everyone.

We sat down and explained

to our older son why Shira behaves differently and that she didn’t choose to be born with this disability.

We always tried to involve him in everything we did with Shira. He is, as a result, very sensitive and understanding about her struggles, instead of feeling resentful about her impulsive or destructive behavior.

Our immediate families were always extremely supportive.

We took the approach of listening to

insensitive remarks and comments, and viewing them as though they were emanating from caring and concern. When a family member suggested that we consider putting Shira on medication at a very young age, I told her that I appreciate her caring, but we were still trying other options. I was not against the idea of medicating my child, and informed her that if at a later age her behavior will warrant it, we will certainly reconsider.

These comments may sometimes hurt if we choose to accept them negatively. Working on tolerance and positivity, eliminates the pain and resentment that gradually builds up.

We try to involve our immediate family members by sharing Shira’s progress.

Every milestone is a

cause to celebrate, and my parents and siblings delightedly joined the parties.

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When we moved to a new neighborhood,

made all the difference; they welcomed Shira

I told the kids in advance that Shira has

very warmly. She shared goodies and ice pops

differences that sometimes cause her to be

with all the kids, and she became an accepted

aggressive or impulsive. Preparing them,

child among the neighborhood gang.

When your child acts differently in public, how do you deal with comments from strangers?

Esther:

Actually, I get more stares than

Yocheved: When it comes to dealing with

comments. I always say, some kids behave in

comments or questions, I answer very directly

ways that make their parents look good; some

and with no shame. I think that every dumb

kids behave in ways that make their parents

question deserves an even dumber answer!

look bad. Our kids are Hashem’s kids as well, by

In the past, I used to hide in shame when

design, a part of his creation. Therefore, when

Yehudah acted up in public. But I’ve gradually

uncomfortable situations arise, I work on my

come to the realization that this is not my fault,

thought process and remind myself that this

this is what Hashem gave me. When you live

child is different. These people are just not

among other people, you can’t expect them to

aware of that fact. I don’t mind explaining, but

understand everything. But at the same time,

I use my energy instead to take care of Rivkah

we can’t excuse ourselves to the whole world.

and to remain positive.

I do remember one particular incident when I

Feigy: When it’s a total stranger, I ignore the

took Rivkah to the Brooklyn Children’s Museum.

comment and instead talk to myself. “This is my

Being that Rivkah lacks certain social skills,

nisayon, my challenge: may Hashem help that,

she pushed her way to the front at one of the

that person never experience my situation.”

exhibits. She probably didn’t even notice that

We were once doing a program with Shira that

she shoved some kids on the way. (Situations

involved identifying colors. We were sitting on

like these are particularly challenging, given

a bus, and as the sky was turning dark, Shira,

that Rivkah appears so normal and high

in all her innocence, suddenly exclaimed, “The

functioning, with no external differences). As

night turned on”. The bus driver kept on turning

I was making my way over to guide her to the

around, staring at this strange seven-year-old

back of the line, a guy started yelling, using foul

girl who was clearly very odd. At that point, I

language. It was a very embarrassing moment,

wanted to cry. But, I decided quickly that I was

but I didn’t feel that he deserved a response after

not going to carry the burden of constantly

the language he used. Instead of responding,

excusing my child’s behavior.

I reported him to security. They subsequently

In

another

incident,

an

acquaintance

I

exaggerating

came over to confront him about the incident,

claimed

and hopefully, that was a more effective way of

daughter’s limitations. That was very hurtful,

giving him a message.

and I remember thinking, ‘Who is she to

that

was

my

judge how tough my situation is?’ Here I was, 58

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struggling with my child, and instead of sympathy,

painful. It required lots of self-control to accept these

unfair judgment was being heaped on me. I also had

remarks and take them in stride. In a way I just feel

a particularly painful experience when a mother

bad for these people who don’t understand. Today, I

of a disabled child once commented that I was just

think the fact that people feel free to comment, means

taking advantage of “the system”. According to her,

that Shira’s handicaps are less obvious to the average

my child simply had bad middos that we needed to

person. That’s the positive message, the silver lining,

address.

that’s communicated to me by these unnecessary

There was a time that these moments were very

observations.

Can you tell us about the obstacles you encountered while trying to enroll your child in an appropriate school?

Esther: Transportation was a huge hurdle. The local

the letter to Albany!

district is supposed to provide transportation, but since

After this experience I B”H felt empowered and

Rivkah was the only child in the county attending this

confident to pursue this route when necessary.

school, they refused to open a bus line ($54K a year)

Sometimes in the special-ed system, we feel like the

for just one child. I called every person in the county.

districts dictate and decide our children’s educational

After getting the run-around for three weeks with

services. But, we should remember that we have rights

no progress, I asked them how to proceed with filing

and there are alternate routes that can usually take us

an official complaint. Since they are legally bound to

further. Ultimately, it is all up to Hashem, but we must

provide me with that information, they reluctantly did

do our maximum hishtadlus.

so. However, they discouraged me from pursuing that route, asserting that I would ruin my relationship with

Yocheved: Frankly speaking, I don’t envy the people

them. I told them that nothing would get in the way

who were involved in what we went through. When

of my child receiving what she needs and deserves. If

it came to enrolling Yehuda in yeshiva after his Bar

she had no transportation, she wouldn’t be able to get

Mitzvah, we literally went through the most horrible

school. Period. It was that simple.

period in our entire lives. We applied to several places,

I wrote a letter to Albany, explaining how the district

and during the interviews, unfortunately, they made us

claimed they were giving my child a fair education, yet

feel like a piece of gum stuck on a shoe. I understand a

they were not really educating her if she had no way

yeshiva’s position if they can’t accept a boy with social

of getting to school. I mentioned that this also seemed

issues, but there are gentle and kind ways to tell a

to be religious discrimination, since in the past they

parent ‘no’.

had definitely opened bus routes for just one child.

We also had a terrible experience with a yeshiva where

This process gave Albany thirty days to investigate the

Yehuda was ridiculed and bullied by his classmates. As

complaint, and send a copy of my letter to the district

soon as his classmates realized that he was socially

as well. After a few emails and phone calls the issue

awkward, they started taking advantage of him. There

was completely resolved! My district agreed to open a

was an incident where they told him to throw a rock on

bus line immediately for the new school year. All this

the window. Yehuda, who lacked the perception that

happened in less than 30 days from when I submitted

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obliged. He was immediately suspended as a result

was a huge hurdle with many setbacks; and although

of this incident. I tried reasoning with the principal.

the faculty tried to assist our daughter, they couldn’t

I told him that the kids encouraged my son to engage

accommodate all her needs. After explaining her issues

in negative behavior. They egged him on to throw the

to them numerous times, I was left with the feeling

rock, and they bullied him constantly. His response?

that there was only so much that they’d be able to do

“Let him develop a thick skin.”

for her. I finally reached the conclusion that her teacher

Thankfully, the current yeshiva that accepted my

was not a one-on-one teacher; she was teaching a class

son, is working out amazingly well. As soon as he

of many. It consequently made no sense to expect her

was accepted, their motto was, “We’ll make it work”.

to be able to give Shira the extra attention she needed.

I’ve never had such a situation where a school was so

Things have not always worked out the way we

supportive and understanding. Instead of focusing

envisioned, but we continue showing our appreciation

on his weaknesses, they recognized his strengths and

to her teachers, tipping them regularly and respecting

made a big deal out of them. Yehuda happens to be

them for what they can do for Shira.

good at sports. As soon as his teachers and principals

After that realization, we began incorporating all

noticed that, they took his abilities and made him shine

her special programs and therapies at home, after

to the degree that he is really popular among his peers.

school. Then Shira was able to flourish, receiving her individual and undivided attention.

When Shira outgrew the public school

(Please note: this kind of setting, doing all the therapy

setting, we contacted a local mainstream school. We

at home after school, is something that doesn’t work

tried getting everyone on board and conducted many

for everyone. Shira was our youngest child for six

meetings with the principal, school psychologist and

years, an important factor that enabled us to extend

teachers. We were aiming for an integrated program

ourselves in ways that would otherwise be detrimental

where Shira would be mainstreamed, and receive all

to a growing family with many children. Every family

her therapies through the resource room. I therefore

must evaluate what works for them, and acknowledge

needed their cooperation in many different ways. It

when it is time to ask for help.)

Feigy:

Can you share a special moment or insight that has helped you accept your situation?

Esther: Rivkah is an extremely happy, little girl. If

60

anyone’s day around.

only we were all gifted with such simchas hachayim!

In addition, I believe that Hashem only gives us what

Her happy energy is contagious and anyone she meets

we can handle. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, it doesn’t mean

or interacts with, is uplifted by her mood. She can turn

you’ll be happy about it, but it’s true.

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I once saw a letter from the Lubavitcher Rebbe,

face, and sometimes when I look at him I realize that

which keeps me inspired. Someone wrote to the Rebbe

this isn’t his fault. He didn’t choose to be born with

about the lack of nachas from his children. The Rebbe

these challenges. Rather, he is my challenge; a challenge

responded that we were not given children to derive

I will im yirtzeh Hashem overcome.

nachas from them, but rather to improve our avodas Hashem. I find this thought very powerful. Not only

Feigy:

I once heard a very inspirational thought

was I chosen to care for this special child, but in order

from a friend, a mother of multiple children with

to fulfill my tafkid, my neshama needs her to be part of

special needs, who was going through a very difficult

my life. Parenting Rivkah helps me fulfill my purpose

period in her life. She shared: “Having a few children

in creation. As much as I am here to help Rivkah reach

with disabilities made me do lots of soul-searching.

her potential, she is here for me to work on myself as

I used to ponder why I deserved so many hardships.

well. When I keep that in focus, it is a game changer

Then a very heart-warming possibility presented

for me. This isn’t about having it easy or aiming for a

itself. Throughout my school years, I didn’t have

picture perfect life; this is about something so much

many close friends since I was the type who would

higher and greater.

always be mekarev the unpopular girls. It dawned on me that when those special neshamas in heaven

Yocheved: There was a moment when I realized that

witnessed that I was the type who would love and

this is the hand that I was dealt, and that no one is

help them unconditionally, they all chose me to be

coming to my rescue. Other than throwing my son off

their mother.”

of a bridge or out the window, he was, and is, mine to

I internalized this message. I didn’t do anything

keep along with all the “joy” he has to offer. He is a total

wrong; B”H I have the capabilities to raise Shira, and

package.

I’m happy to give her all the opportunities to help her

I am forever grateful that he has the most beautiful

reach her potential.

When discussing daily incidents with parents of ‘regular’ children the same age, how do you deal with innocent comments that hit a raw nerve?

Esther: I really try to keep the topic of conversation

eaters, etc.

on neutral ground, i.e. our kids’ new yom tov clothing,

There are times that something as innocent as

the occasional nightmares, cute things they say, picky

hearing that a child went to a neighbor to play, can

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hit me hard. It is not easy to always have to supervise, or accompany and shadow my daughter. It’s not always easy to say no when she asks to go to her friends. I wonder if, and when, there will come a day that she will be safely independent, and I will be able to relax a bit. How nice that would be...

During times like these I try to remind myself that Rivkah is just different and not necessarily worse. This is my situation and I shouldn’t compare her to anyone else. I know I can choose to be bitter and resentful, or accept the situation and deal with it. I repeat this to myself often. B”H, with a supportive husband, and a good amount of intervention and therapy, I am able to keep myself in a good place, knowing that I am dealing with the situation appropriately.

Yocheved:

Truthfully, if it comes from

someone in my shoes, I end up in tears, because they understand my situation and the crisis that I am in. Even when it comes from a friend who has a normal child my son’s age, it’s very painful to have his differences thrown into my face.

Feigy: When those situations occur, instead of wallowing in self-pity or blaming that person for her insensitivity, I try to rationalize that she simply doesn’t understand, and doesn’t realize the impact of her words.

One more note: The more you believe in your child and the happier you are with the progress you observe, the less you will care about what other people say.

What techniques help you remain focused on the present when your mind wanders into the future?

Esther: I don’t know if I have a good answer

Yocheved: The technique I use and highly

here. But I do tell myself that, just like Three

recommend is to pick up the phone, call your

years ago, I could have never imagined how

biggest support, or your best listening ear, and

well Rivkah would be doing today, I could also

yell your brains out! Then, go to the closest

never know what the future holds. I constantly

ice cream store and buy the most fattening ice

hope for further improvement and growth.

cream available. Crying about calories is way

Ultimately, I just want her to lead a happy

better than crying about your situation. That’s

and fulfilling life, serving Hashem, with all

the best thing that I do for myself, and I say,

the kochos that He gave her. It is all part of

give it a try!

Hashem’s will. I daven and shed many tears

On a more serious note, Yehuda is now at a

when I think about her future. It is not in a sad

stage where his peers are exploring the options

way, but rather with hope and yearning that I

of yeshivas with a dorm.

have the koach to keep guiding her and making

parents speak about their son going to dorm,

good decisions, that will keep her in the path

it’s very painful for me to listen to it.

So when other

of Hashem. I anticipate Moshiach’s imminent

Nevertheless, we continuously see progress

arrival, when none of us will have these, or any

and that’s what keeps us going. Although he isn’t

other serious concerns.

ready to dorm yet, we know that maybe at age

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eighteen, he will be. When I look at the present,

her unconditionally.

I see a challenging child. But when I keep on

effort, physically and financially, towards her

looking back and see his amazing progress, I

improvement and progress. We figured that

see how far we’ve all come. Three years ago, we

down the line when she becomes an adult, we

would have never imagined that he would one

will be able to say that we tried our best to help

day be attending a mainstream camp. And yet,

her reach her potential.

this summer B”H he’s mainstreamed.

Recently,

during

We invested loads of

a

CSC

meeting,

the

school psychologist couldn’t believe we were Feigy: In the past I used to think, “Whatever

discussing the same child she knew three years

Hashem has in store for Shira, that’s what will

ago.

happen.” At that point I didn’t dream that she’d

into the future and I start thinking about

And whenever my mind does wander

one day be mainstreamed. I tried focusing

shidduchim – I just think about how far along

only on the present. I accepted her and loved

Shira came and how much she progressed. At this point I say, “Nothing is impossible”.

What message can you convey to other parents and family members in your position?

Esther: Never accept ‘no’ as an answer. Never

a hard time understanding what you are

allow anything to get in the way of what you

going through, I would recommend investing

know is best for your child. Trust in your belief

effort into educating them. You need them

that you are your child’s best advocate. You are

on board. This may be your mother, your

stronger than you think, or may be ready to

spouse, or another close relative. A good way

acknowledge. No one should manipulate you

to do this is, having them accompany you

into believing that you, or your child, will not

to your child’s appointments, joining you in

succeed and convince you to settle for less. It is

a therapy session, or observing the child in

hard, and having a special child can sometimes

school. Perhaps you can ask them to do this

sap the joy out of parenting. Instead of parents,

for you as a personal favor. Let them ask the

we become caregivers. We need to tend to their

professionals questions, understand the plan

needs; we are responsible for their progress,

of care and intervention, and where they can

health and safety, all of which are a lot more

be of help. Sometimes close family members

taxing with a special needs child.

need to hear the facts from professionals

Take a deep breath, and tap into your inner

in the field, in order to digest the difficult

strength. Acknowledge that you are special,

realities. Acquiring books about your child’s

you are chosen, because you can take care of

disabilities and leaving them around, available

this special neshama better than anyone else in

to be read, is also a good idea. It’s so important

the whole world.

that the ones closest to us, support us and

If there is a significant person in your life whose support you need, yet they are having

understand us. Sometimes they need our help, to help them help us!

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Yocheved: Life isn’t a walk in the park.

Just try and smile and find

humor. Laugh and the world laughs with you: cry, and you cry alone. And most importantly, always keep milk chocolate well within your reach!

CocoArt ships right to your door!

Try to take one day at a time, yet look towards the future. Every tomorrow brings with it a chance for growth.

Don’t forget that every little step is progress!

And finally, we can’t let our kids’ situations dictate our lives. We need to take care of ourselves. When we were planning our summer, we didn’t expect Yehuda to attend a mainstream camp, and I was going to stay home and watch him. But then I realized that I can’t put my life on hold, and we took the plunge to enroll Yehuda. Luckily, he was accepted.

I’ll end with an observation. I’ve come to realize, that over the years I’ve become a better person because of my son. I’m more sensitive to my students, and I generally have a much deeper sensitivity to others, especially those with similar challenges. That is a positive sign of growth; another fringe benefit in my special package deal!

disabilities. Saying that we love our children unconditionally should not be a justification for lack of trying; ‘because they’re anyway loved and accepted the way they are’.

Many times a child loses out on opportunities to grow either because the mother resents the child because of her issues, or because the mother accepts the disabilities as status quo. Remember that these kids have tremendous potential and it is up to us, their parents, to help them achieve it.

Another thing to consider if you plan on starting a new program with your child, is to bear in mind that these programs are a long-term commitment.

Being

consistent

is

an absolute must for any program or therapy to be successful. People sometimes want to see instant results and become discouraged when they don’t see progress quickly enough.

Therefore, before you actually initiate a new program, do all the necessary research to ensure that you will be able to follow it through entirely. Make sure to have all your technicalities, such as transportation, staff, funding, etc., arranged before you begin. Hopefully, then, you will not get discouraged, and your perseverance will pay off.

Also, don’t rely on the school to

Feigy:

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Firstly, always remember, I

provide you with everything. Do

love my child and accept her despite

your own homework. There’s a world

her issues. You love your child and

of different programs and therapies

accept her despite her issues. For you

out there, and every mother should

and for me, accepting and loving our

look at her own child and see that

children with their disabilities does

child’s unique needs, possibilities and

not mean that we can ignore their

opportunities.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS! The choice is mine, How to react To the set of challenges Hashem sends my way.

Some of these thoughts, Rehashed for the umpteenth time, Force me to take a stand, In the heavy battle fought in my heart.

Sometimes it’s frustrating.

And all I feel like, Is throwing my shoes to the wall, And tantruming like a toddler.

I know the consequences, Of conceding to negativity.

Its only result, An intense bitterness.

It’s so unfair, How life is unfolding.

Undoing my glorious dreams, In a puff of smoke.

And I know the rewards, Of a smile on my face.

Allowing the people in my life, To appreciate my presence.

I’d so much rather, Express my disappointment, In angry outbursts Or brooding silence.

There is no doubt, That acceptance Enables me to accept others, And give them genuine love.

This is not what I envisioned, What I thought I deserve.

And it irks me, Going down that resentful path.

It is hard work, This fighting with yourself.

It leaves you utterly exhausted, At the end of it all.

It seems so much easier, To play the blame game.

And wallow in the self-pity, That embraces me willingly.

Yet, the meaningful reward, Of a positive attitude, Is why I continue, This battle, this struggle.

Yet, in a place deep inside, A little conflict erupts.

Misery and positivity, Both competing for the lead.

It’s what keeps me sane, When things make no sense.

And allows me to smile, To choose the joys of life.

The Choice.

Choose wisely…

By: Draizy Lemberger

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From Rayim’s Bulletin Board n spite Divisio New Boys Re ed a new division to their highly

Rayim has recently add Program. Several boys acclaimed After School Respite programs in Monroe and attending Rayim’s regular respite ram. In an effort to Monsey began aging out of the prog ed day, Rayim took the address their need to have a structur sion, for boys ages 10 initiative to establish an all-boys divi im has since received and older. The countless requests Ray s accepted, makes it clear how from other parents to have their son truly necessary the program is. to 5:30 s on a weekday schedule from 3:00 The new After School Program run winter The program also operates during and Sundays from 9:30 to 4 o’clock.

A strong as on legal holidays, fast days, etc. and summer school breaks, as well eational nned schedule that includes recr emphasis is placed on a well-pla e these s and more. The staff, who welcom activities, arts n crafts, social activitie provide all areas of special needs and aim to boys off the bus, are well trained in r-school care. Snacks are offered during afte these lively teenagers with love and then given on full days. Participants are days, and breakfast and lunch are transported home by Rayim staff.

gram eeds children enrolled o r P r e d e h C w e N special-n at affects many th ity al re e at un education. It is

r An unfort ddishkeit in thei sence of basic yi ab e th is te in their s, ol ho eds are passiona in public sc ne l ia ec sp ith w children ith that in well known that d His mitzvos. W an m he as H to eir love fill the void expressions of th eder that would Ch m yi Ra e th ched e program has mind, Rayim laun e its inception th nc Si . ch la er nd ki e for these precious e on the way. Th with a third on s m oo sr as cl o expanded to tw portance. ram reflects its im og pr of pe ty is highdemand for th chool basis, with -s er aft an on erates gives these The program op nced rebbi. This rie pe ex an g in join , yehadus, functioning boys kriah, davening n ar le to ity un port say “Modeh children the op e opportunity to th ve ha t no do ys er that gives etc. Since the bo the Rayim Ched is it , ol ho sc in ” vas Tzitzis environment.

Ani” and “Al Mitz a warm, heimishe in s ho ac br e es to make th yamim tovim is them the chance fore upcoming be in ga ey th e s e knowledg tion and happines Additionally, th aware of. Satisfac be t no e is rw he would ot ddishe kinder. something they h their day as yi is fin ey th as s ys’ face radiate off the bo

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By: Adina Jacobs

New Day Hab

It was welcome news to the Brooklyn community when Rayim recently

announced the opening of a new Day Hab for boys, in the heart of Boro Park.

The need for a quality Day Hab with the standards Rayim’s programs are known for, was something Rayim was aiming to fill.

Located at 4620 18th Ave., the site is newly-renovated and beautifully furnished. The Day Hab is directed by a mechanech, with many years of experience in the field of special-ed. The schedule was designed to give the young men the opportunity to gain independence in all areas of life.

Therefore,

vocational training, travel training, computer skills, and many other daily life skills, are what make this program so unique.

New Evening Boys Program

Rayim’s latest initiative towards advancing the development of individualized

programs for individuals with special needs, is the new SCORE program. SCORE, which stands for Succeed in Countless Opportunities at Rayim’s Evening program – was launched to provide high-functioning teenaged boys with a structured evening. The program, which operates between 6:30 and 9:00 p.m., is similar to that of a typical yeshiva boy’s masmidim schedule. Furthermore, it gives the parents a much-needed break in the evening, when they need to tend to their children’s homework, dinner and bedtime.

SCORE is not focused on academics or anything too ‘educational’. Rather, it offers the boys an outlet and a chance to express themselves in many different ways. They enjoy group activities such as baking, cooking, shopping, gym, swimming and recreational outings. The skills and knowledge they gain while having fun, is something that attracts many boys to the program.

It is to the staff’s credit that the program has achieved tremendous success in a very short time.

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By: Malky Stein

e h T s n Pe So many of them in the Drawer‌ Do I really need so many different kinds? I think, peering closer into the Drawer Standing out of the crowd is the shiny, silver Parker Gleaming, glinting in the sunshine streaming through the window So delicate and beautiful One of her kind Quality ink deep within, Patiently waiting to make her mark Yet, she’s rarely used Reserved for occasions

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Reminds me, I muse, Of that student who sits in my class Sterling middos, Beautiful inside out Though seldom in the limelight, Her value is acknowledged by all

Yet… their Glittering status is like a bubble, Full of air until it pops! And evaporates...

And there lie those trusty, hardy BIC’s mingling in the Drawer Those common pens you find in every house Consistently producing shopping lists, late notes and the sort Mundane, perhaps But essential to my household.

At first glance they all appear the same; (Would I notice if one gets lost?)

But looking closer, I see their uniqueness— Black Blue Red The leaky one The one with its top chewed off

A few meek pencils are scattered in the Drawer Paling in the light of their counterparts They perform their assigned tasks well— When sharpened, that is.

Still, I may have to press hard To get the right results Yet gently, So the tip shouldn’t break But who could do math without those?

Humble and unassuming, obedient and diligent Erase me if you want, For I may not be perfect

Like all those average students who are part of the pack Coasting along the vast ocean of life Through crests and troughs, Ups and downs, Aiming to reach their potential To achieve Individuality My faithful Expo markers fill up much space in the drawer Bold and bright, colors screaming The latest in modern teaching Bringing clarity with a touch of fun to my classroom With its smooth, effortless strokes Yet, Its Magic vanishes just as easily with a swish of the eraser As though it never were

Like the kid with the eraser attached — That chip on her shoulder Unsure of herself and her capabilities I must convince her of her own worthiness I must press her; Yet not push her too far Handle with care— A delicate balance, So she can see beyond her dull appearance And successfully write her story too

…Which reminds me of the girls in the lead Who fill the most space in the classroom Surrounded by friends and endless chatter Fashionably dressed, ponytails swinging self-assuredly Bringing life and fun and laughter to the world

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And there in the back of the drawer, Lying abandoned, forlorn I notice two broken pieces of chalk From my pre-whiteboard days Do they still serve a purpose?

Stripped of their prominent position in the classroom, Deprived of the blackboard they need To perform their once indispensable role, And outshined by the smoother, sleeker, more efficient Expos, These ubiquitous instruments From an era gone by Are now obsolete.

Or are they?

Wait, wouldn’t my children love to play with those?

Like the neighborhood children they watched Drawing castles and hopscotch on the street?

So they can be useful After all, Even if not the way I intended, In the environment I imagined.

They can yet enjoy their moment of glory.

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Which makes me realize something important.

It’s about the kid who is lacking the tools she needs With which to thrive, Survive, In the way I think is right, In the environment I think is normal.

Yes, I whisper, She, too, can contribute to this world Exactly what she is supposed to Even if that is different From what I had imagined.

She, too, can shine In her full glory.

I close the Drawer Indeed, so many of them But, yes, I do need them all.

ky Stein By: Mal

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The Little Bird

T

here was once a fly. “Fly,” said

who could not . The

flapped

his

and hopped around in

his

. He tried to fly with all his

tried again, but he still could not fly.

“Fly” said the

. “Fly” said the

just looked at them with sad in the

All the and mock the

. “Look! This

. But the

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poked him with their feet. And some pulled at his pretty Soon the

.

began to cry.

away from the her

began to tease cannot fly!” ,

. But the

, searching for

was to feed

.

“Father!” cried the

.

they taunted. They flew around the

loudly at him. A few

“Mother!” cried the

might, but he could not fly. “Fly,” said the . The

flapping their

flying around the to help make their And all the

. But the

was

, searching for strong. from the

continued

The

The

.

to tease the poor

was becoming very noisy. So

shouted.

woke up and

All the

noisy, that the wise, old rubbed her

. “Who is making such loud ! Please help our

“Oh, dear

and the

in the

looked on in rose up to the

wonder as the three

!” cried

in the the

. The wise, old . When she saw

hurried over to the

did. “Now, FLY!” she

sky. Together, they soared high above the

noise here?” She said with a yawn. the

and the

, above the

, above

.

“See,” said the wise, old

to all the

what was going on, she said, “Let me show

, “that

you something.”

He wasn’t made to fly himself. But he is not a

bent down and lifted two

from

his

and

, for with the help of , he can fly.”

into each of

the ground. She put one

. “Hold on tight,” she said to the

the

. Then she turned to the “You,” she said to the

and the

.

, “stand by the tip of

the right

.” The

said to the

, “stand by the tip of the left

. The your

. He is a

. The wise, old

All became silent in the

can fly. Perhaps not like all of you.

did. “And you,” she

did. “Now both of you, open

and bite down hard on the

.”

LITTLE BIRD

NEST

MOTHER BIRD

WINGS

FATHER BIRD

WORMS

SISTER BIRD

FAMILY

BROTHER BIRD

OWL

EYES

TWIGS/BRANCH

BIRDS

TREES

FOREST

CLOUDS

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Dea r Fuzzy II

February 17

her feel good, y’know. Tsk, tsk, I could just see all

Dear Fuzzy,

the teachers clucking their approval. Yeah, she does

You’re still around. After all the times Mommy

write pretty well, no? What a special teacher you

promised to hide you, after all the times my sister Chavy threatened to destroy you, after all the times Pinny attacked your almost threadbare body, and after all the times I hugged you into mashed potatoes, you’re still here. Who would believe? You are a miracle, Fuzzy. Is there another teddy bear in the world like you?

Perhaps I should learn from you. You are as resilient as Bubby Goldstein’s old refrigerator.

You’ve withstood use and abuse, wear and tear, and many roughs and toughs. And yet, your face is still

are, Mrs. Silber, for noticing which student could use a boost. And I could just hear my classmates whispering eagerly to each other as they clapped (too hard) for me. Good for Mimi, she deserves the honor.

As I said, she could’ve just announced Pinny….

When will they stop pitying me like that? And when, when, will they finally recognize me for what I’m worth, independent of my nebach, difficult situation??

Love, Mimi

so bright with your endearing smile. I wish to be like you, Fuzzy. Tell me, what is your secret?

February 22 Dear Fuzzy,

February 20 Dear Fuzzy, Mimi Braun. Recognize the name? Yeah, right,

crisp new page following all the creasy, bumpy

that’s me. And that’s the name Mrs. Silber called all too enthusiastically when she announced the yearbook editors today. Although she might as well have said Pinny Braun. Oh, well. I should have known they would pick me to be editor. Poor Mimi, with her special brother y’know… let’s make

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Oh, how I love, love writing to you! I feel I"m like in a warm bubble bath when my pen touches the

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used ones. My thoughts then come flowing and my mind spills onto you. It’s like when I turn on the faucet in the bath, and suddenly, the thousands of shiny, soapy bubbles grow into a white, fuzzy (pun intended!) blanket enveloping me. And when I’m done, everything inside me feels loosened. All my

sad feelings melt away like dirt dissolving in the

what she thinks of me. I wonder if Mrs. Silber gave

lather. (Don’t mind me, I’m just in a poetic mood.)

her a pep talk about being nice to me. I mean, I’m a

I wonder what my teacher would say if she read

fairly decent writer to be honest, but I’m sure Esty

this. As much as I love writing, I am far from a

would have loved to work with one of the knaks

great writer, especially compared to some of my

like Dina or Toby.

classmates. Although I try hard when it comes to

In any case, Esty did a great job being nice.

writing class, I’m sure if Mrs. Silber would read this

She took my opinions seriously, and we actually

jumbled mess of thoughts she would immediately

incorporated many of my suggestions. I even found

disqualify me from my editorial position.

some grammatical mistakes in Tzippy’s essay that

Anyway, tomorrow, I start working on the yearbook. Mommy is so proud of me. She says I am

Esty missed. At one point, Esty exclaimed, “Mimi, you are really talented at this!”

perfect for the job. And even if I’m not quite sure

I can’t help thinking this is simply not fair to her.

about that, somewhere deep inside, I’m looking

What do you think Fuzzy, should I approach Mrs.

forward to giving it a try.

Silber and give this up?

But please tell me, is this just a shimmering

Love, Mimi

bubble? Will it pop?

Love, Mimi

February 23 Dear Fuzzy, This yearbook thing might actually be fun, even if I hate, hate the fact that I was chosen purely out of pity. Today, Mrs. Silber gave Esty (my co-editor) and me time off class to work on it. Twenty-five (envious??) pairs of eyes were on us as we stood up from our seats. Reizy threw me an airborne kiss with her signature grin. Dassy was actually beaming, but I didn’t miss the sympathetic twitch of her nose. I shot out of the classroom with Esty following behind and waving to all.

As much as I was dreading the attention, the

work

was

really

pleasant.

Esty is a fabulous writer. I wonder

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gift of health, hey, even talents. We can use the idea of bows as accessories to write about all the accessories in our lives—the extras, the bonuses.

And the reflective essays we worked on could be in a section called ‘bow and arrow’, you know, like sharpshooting, like ‘to the point’. Also, I thought,

February 24 Dear Fuzzy, Bad move. She looked like she bumped into a hippopotamus. (Like the simile?) I played it really cool and just said I thought I wasn’t fit for the job.

First Mrs. Silber stared at me incredulously for a while, her trademark grey and blue scarf all but frozen into position, and then all she said was, “What has gotten into you Mimi? Nobody gives up such an honor.”

When I tried to say something she shook her head and said, “There is nothing to discuss, Mimi.

Now get to work.”

bows tie things together, so we can do something about our class ties, friendships, connections…” I paused to catch my breath and promptly realized I was babbling. Now Esty will for sure think I’m silly.

I needn’t have worried. “Oooh, It’s perfect,” she breathed. I exhaled in relief. Or shall I say euphoria?

(I just love that word!) “Bows. Wow! Mimi, you are amazing! How did you think of it?”

“Nah, it’s nothing.” Suddenly, an awful thought hit me, like a snake wrapping itself around my neck. “You don’t have to say you like it just because I thought of it,” I said in a half-whisper.

“Mimi!”

So off I went. What now?

I jumped.

Love, Mimi

“What in heaven’s name got into you?”

February 27 Dear Fuzzy, It was my idea! It popped in my mind earlier when I was in the shower (that’s when my creative juices start flowing), and by the time I was out, I had it fully developed. The first thing after I got dressed, I called Esty. She picked up after one ring.

“I got it!” I shouted without introduction. “Bows!”

“What?”

“Bows! Our theme! Do you like it?”

There was no gushing excitement at the other end of the line. My heart sank. Why was I so convinced she would like it? We had been wracking our brains for a good, workable theme for a long while. Esty’s silence, I thought, must mean disapproval. But

Mrs. Silber’s words from two days ago rang in my ears.

“This is a faaabulous idea! I can just see the graphics with pretty bows all over the pages! It couldn’t be better! I am so excited!” she enthused.

And in case I wasn’t convinced, she added, “Let’s call Mrs. Silber tomorrow first thing. I’m positive she’ll approve—no, love—it! I can’t wait!”

And that is how we ended our conversation.

So you see, Fuzz, why I am so euphoric? I, Mimi Braun, Editor-in-, no, Commander-in-Chief of the Penned Forces, who fought valiantly with blood, toil, sweat and tears (not quite!) in the Battle of the Theme, emerged a victorious hero! Whooohoooo!!

Love, Mimi

before I was able to say “Nah, I was just kidding”, Esty replied, “Oh, the yearbook theme. It’s a nicesounding word. But how would you work it out?”

That was my chance. “Well, bows are tied around gifts, so we could do a section on all the gifts in our lives. Like our families, or sunshine, rain, the

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February 28 Dear Fuzzy, Mrs. Silber likes our idea. Esty helped me work out the details and now we need to write an editorial. I warned Esty not to tell anyone it was

my idea. She looked at me quizzically and asked

A marvelous creation

if I’m sure, to which I said, yes, absolutely. I’m not

Exquisite

really sure myself why I’m uncomfortable with

In its simplicity,

everyone knowing. But I’m glad she agreed.

An art

Everybody cheered when we announced the new theme. Of course, they wanted to know whose

In perfection A bow.

brilliant idea it was. I just shrugged and said we chose it from among other ideas on our list. That’s

Look what became of

not a lie, is it?

Two strings.

Love, Mimi

Tie up the loose ends Sign your name

March 2 Dear Fuzzy, Here’s the editorial piece I wrote. I jotted it down on the back of my homework sheet that was lying on my dresser last night after I had gone to bed.

Words, Words. verbs.

Subjects, Dress it up

Wrap it up

Tug Tug

Esty helped me tweak it to perfection. Here goes: With a flourish

Loop.

Twist.

Tie.

Loop.

And let the message dangle softly.

A marvelous creation

Puff Pull it it up.

out .

Exquisitely Explaining Entertaining Persuading An art

With a flourish.

In perfection

Tug, Tug

The art

And

let

the

ends

Of writing.

dangle softly.

Look what became of Just words.

Like?

Love, Mimi

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March 12

the urge to roll my eyes. Did Mommy really think

Dear Fuzzy,

we could fix this mess? In any case, what would I tell

It’s over. My job. Over. As in OVER.

my classmates? But she had that determined look in her eye; I knew I better quell the protest rising in me.

And it’s not even my fault!

And so, we spread all the thousand “puzzle” pieces

Pinny.

Sometimes I feel like I am a balloon and Pinny is a needle. All it takes is one second of contact and I go POP. and then I land on the floor, burst. Deflated.

Over.

on the table and got to work with a roll of tape.

“Corners first,” she said. I laughed. Puzzles were always my favorite. Mommy, Chavy and I have spent many long, lazy days doing puzzles on the dining room table, being careful never to leave it

HE TORE MY PAPERS! Every single one of the poems I had taken home to edit. Now, when I have finally come to terms with my so-called honor, and am even enjoying it, I am about to lose it. The class will never forgive me.

Mrs. Silber will say I am irresponsible, and hadn’t I recently told her myself that I’m not fit for the job?

Yeah, right.

Oh, Fuzzy, what should I dooooooooo?????

Love, Mimi

unsupervised when Pinny was around.

What can I tell you, Fuzzy, it’s a miracle. We sat over it for two hours, and it was really—ahem—fun!

Like when we did that jigsaw puzzle with the picture of a million colored paper clips. Mind boggling, but so rewarding! And now I don’t have to worry about losing my job.

But. I am still so embarrassed. I will have to tell my classmates, Mommy says. The poems will have to be rewritten, since it is really difficult to make

March 13 Dear Fuzzy, Did I ever tell you what an amazing mother I have?

True, she is usually harried. And true, she often has what I call Pinny-days. (We all do.) But that is all the

out all the words this way. I am not sure I have the courage. Now they will pity me even more.

But Mommy says I am a lot stronger than I think.

What do you think?

Love, Mimi

more proof for how amazing she is.

She noticed me sulking by the window yesterday after I had discovered Pinny’s latest shtick. (I hadn’t told her because I didn’t want to upset her.) I burst out crying, like I never do anymore, and told her the story. She was horrified, of course, but she kept calm and ordered me to bring all the pieces of paper from my bedroom floor to the kitchen table.

“Let’s pretend this is a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle,” she said brightly. I fought

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March 13 Dear Mimi, Oh, yes. You are a lot stronger than you think!

Love, Fuzzy

June 10 Dear Fuzzy, Graduation! I thought it was such a scary word. I was always afraid of growing up. I guess I thought that the less I expect from myself the easier life would be. But today, I was able to see the joy in growing up. Today, I graduated. And not only from elementary school.

It was a really beautiful graduation. From the speeches to the singing and Simi’s harmony, it was a major success. From my place on stage, I was able to see Mommy dabbing her eyes and Chavy waving to me. I received a beautiful heart pendant from Bubby Goldstein, a gorgeous bracelet from Bubby Braun, and a stunning new leather watch from Mommy. (Remember I told you that Pinny broke the one I got for my birthday?)

But of all the special moments, the most beautiful one for me personally was as I stepped off the stage to get my diploma from our principal Mrs. Blau, along with a thick, hardcover book: my yearbook.

This journey was not easy for me. It was tough, telling my class about the torn papers. It was even tougher learning to talk naturally and openly about myself, and to stop second-guessing myself.

But my toughest battle was the one that forced me to look deep inside myself and to see my full value.

Even if that meant having higher expectations of myself. Even if that meant that Pinny could no longer be an excuse to deprive the world of the true me. And even if that meant swallowing the pity and understanding that it’s all because people care about me.

Today, I feel like a big knot inside me was untied.

Today, I feel light and airy, like… you guessed it… a bow.  Love, Mimi

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I

always wished I had a summer birthday.

Something about the long, sunny days and the relaxed yet spirited atmosphere make birthday parties so much more exciting.

Especially when they are celebrated in a bungalow colony or camp where there are

just so many more attendees. Alas, my birthday is in early June, usually smack in the middle of the end-of-school-year rush—just a bit too early for the leisurely summer fun days.

And though my mother always made sure to celebrate

my birthdays in the most delightful way, I was certainly thrilled when three of my kids were born in the summer.

Naturally, I use this as a great excuse to go all out when I celebrate theirs!

Here are some exciting birthday ideas from the party we threw for my daughter who just turned four. Enjoy “noshing” them! Send in pictures of your birthday party using these ideas to sparks@rayim.org and enter a free drawing to receive an exciting gift. And, of course, happy birthday!!

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Ta b l e c l o t h I used the top and bottom of a foam cup to draw circles—one big and two small—on a folded yellow plastic tablecloth from Amazing Savings (you can also buy at any 99 cents store), and cut them out. I first covered the table with a pink tablecloth, and then I spread the yellow one on top to create an adorable pattern!

Pl ace Set t i ngs Placemats: I tore out magazine paper and covered it in rows of pretty patterned duct tape. When you turn the placemats over, you see the magazine page, which makes for a great game in which you ask questions, (What’s your name? Shoe size?

Favorite treat? Worst punishment, etc.) and the participants have to “find” the answer on their page. Get ready for some good laughs!

I bought matching plates, cups and napkins at Amazing Savings On each plate, I put a birthday hat treat bag (see below) Over each birthday hat, I put glow-in-the-dark party necklaces with a heart shaped white chalkboard (both also from Amazing Savings) as a place card.

Centerpieces I cut out the shape of a #4 from Styrofoam and decorated it with rows of colorful lollypops.

I prepared a blank white page in a pink picture frame for birthday wishes from the participants.

I put balloons into two vases for a neat look.

I used a muffin stand to display the cupcakes

B i r t h d ay H a t T r e at B ag s I stuffed birthday hats with goodies, wrapped it with an orange tulle ribbon, and tied a bow on top.

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Cookie Jars I used edible marker to write the birthday girl’s name on the white part of a pink-and-white. I filled half the jars with sugar and layered the pink-andwhites on top. Then I tied a bow around the jars with a pink ribbon.

Marshmallow B i r t h d ay Muffins

B i r t h d ay Punch

I used my favorite cupcake recipe,

I filled the chalkboard pitchers (also from

spread marshmallow cream

Amazing Savings) with

over the ready cupcakes (melted

lemonade. Then, I added a

white chocolate also makes an

cubed strawberry freeze

easy icing), and clustered mini

pop to each. It looked

marshmallows on top. For the

adorable while the pop

candles, I cut colored Twizzlers

was still frozen, and once

into thirds. Then, I pushed a

the pop melted, it gave the

toothpick through each, allowing

lemonade a pretty pink

a bit to stick out, and stuck a

color—and a delicious taste!

candy corn on top. Make a wish!

Emoji Ice Cream Dessert I let a tub of ice cream thaw a bit and added two small bags of pink oodles. I mixed it up and put it back in the freezer. When it was fully frozen again, I made scoops and for decoration, I used more oodles to create an emoji. Then I stuck an upside down sugar cone on top for a birthday hat. Smile!

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87

2

ow do you make seven even without adding, subtracting, H multiplying or dividing?

3

here is an eight-letter-word that when you take one letter at a time, T it still always stays a word, without changing the order of the letters.

Can you guess?

4

What has a head, a tail, is brown and has no legs?

5

The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am i?

6

Which keys cannot open any doors?

7

hat is black when you buy it, red when you use it and grey when W you throw it away?

8

I n the Klein Family, each of the boys has the same amount of brothers as sisters. Each of the girls has twice as many brothers as sisters. How many boys and girls are in the family?

9

Which two years looked the same when written upside down?

10

all I am young, short I am old, with life I glow, wind is my foe. What T am I?

11

Re-arrange these letters to spell just one word: O O U S W T D N E J R

12

What belongs to you, but others use it more than you?

13

I am not alive, but I grow; I don’t have lungs, but I can’t survive without air; I don’t have a mouth but water kills me. What am I?

14

When is a doctor most annoyed?

15

I ’m as small as an ant, as big as a whale; I’m fast as a leopard and slow as a snail; I don’t need the moon but depend on the sun, I’m gentle enough but from me you can’t run. What am I?

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1. When you add two hours to eleven o’clock! 2. By dropping the ‘S’! 3. Starting: staring, string, sting, sing, sin, in, I! 4. A penny! 5. Footsteps! 6. Piano keys! 7. Check the charcoal next time you grill! 8. Four 9. 1961, 1881! 10. A candle!

11. Just one word! 12. Your name! 13. Fire! 14. When he is out of patients! 15. A shadow!

When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer?

Answers:

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BRICK BY BRICK H

ow can we rebuild the Beis Hamikdosh? By doing the opposite of what caused it to be destroyed.

In short, it is called Ahavas Chinam. To find out exactly what that means, try putting these bricks together, and make sure to follow what the message tells you. May it truly be rebuilt speedily, in our days!

Bricks fit like a puzzle into grid on the “Wall”.

You may cut out the pieces to put it together by shape, or fill in using a pencil.

The message reads across, with correct capitalization, periods and spaces. __________________________________________________________________________ Send in your completed “Wall” to sparks@rayim.org and enter a free drawing to receive an exciting gift

Answers: Be kind. Speak nicely. Judge favorably. Do good. Smile.

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SPARKS M AGA Z I N E

It is cold and dark. The fire is out.

Its power to light and warm has been extinguished.

There seems to be no hope. But wait! There is one tiny spark among the dying embers that still flickers with life. It has the potential to reignite into huge and glorious flames that will radiate warmth and light. Sparks, the power of rebirth, of bringing to life new hope and joy.