Winter 2015

WINTER WONDERLAND EDITION

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WINTER 2015 absynthe magazine

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STAFF President Jack Smye

Editor-in-Chief Zafer Izer

Production Manager Sharniya Vigneswaralingam

Copy Editor Tyler Holt

Advertising Manager Joshua Skinner

Staff Writers Ali Whitwam Erin Mclaughlin Joy Doonan Mike Kosciesza

Secretary Christian Wigglesworth

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CONTENTS 5 Special Editorial: Stohn 6 Collection of Micro-Short Stories 8 Special Editorial: Stohn Continued 9 Provincial Committee Approves Founding of “University of Upper and Lower Canada” 10 Series Finalist, Episode 3: True Detective (HBO) 12 Don’t Forget, You’re Asian!

14 Conversation Ideas for the Socially Stunted 17 Trudeau’s Hair: Perfect Model for Lean, Efficient Government 18 The Cabinet Ain’t Havin’ It

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editor’s letter

Special Editorial:

!

On Mr. Stohn, University Finances, and . . . Shit, Why Are There No Figures For 2014-2015 in the 2014-2015 Report on Philanthropy?

By now, most of the Trent community has heard of the $1M donation to our future Student Centre by distinguished Trent alumnus Stephen Stohn. In addition to Mr. Stohn’s gift being covered by local media, the university has been trumpeting the story for all that it is worth—with good reason of course. $1M is a phenomenally generous contribution for one single individual to make towards the overall, official goal of $15M for our future Student Centre. It is a moment that both the university and Mr. Stohn can feel justifiably proud of.

Less prominently discussed, however, is the crucial detail that Trent students will be footing $10.5M of the $15M bill. This is occurring through annual tuition levies that will remain in place for current and future Trent students for an unspecified amount of years—although TCSA President Alaine Spiwak has stated that the university’s ambitious 50th Anniversary commemorative fund, which had $50M as its goal, is 85% complete.

To his credit, almost immediately after beginning his address to a small crowd huddled by the Otonabee under an iron-grey October sky, Mr. Stohn stated that he was “amazed and delighted [Trent students] voted with their own pocketbooks to substantially fund this Student Centre,” and added that it is thrilling to be able to contribute alongside us. He praised the “leadership” of the current Trent student body, who give not for themselves, but “for the benefit of following generations of students.”

The symbiotic relationship between past, current and future members of the Trent community was emphasized often by Mr. Stohn and the others who spoke at the announcement. Indeed, it is perhaps an underreported fact that philanthropy, naturally coming almost exclusively from Trent alumni, is responsible for a considerable chunk of the funding and development of our university. Alumni raised $2.3M for their university in 2012-2013 alone (the 2014-15 Report on Philanthropy curiously did not list any actual figures for that year). Moreover, given the fact that post-secondary funding in Ontario is essentially frozen for at least the next three years (and as University President Dr. Leo Groarke vaguely and ominously told Arthur reporters in October, is actually diminishing “in some cases”), our dependency on that income will only increase. President Spiwak displayed a shrewd understanding 4 absynthe magazine

circumstances when, speaking directly after Mr. Stohn, she called on the Trent alumni community to contribute an additional $4M to the fund. The less easily marketable—but no less true—fact is that, although I stress unironically that Mr. Stohn deserves every bit of gratitude and celebrity he receives, he is simply the current princeps of a broad and increasingly crucial base of alumni benefactors who continue to invest in their degree, through the Trent Annual Fund or otherwise, long after their graduation. It may not occur to you or I in our day-to-day campus activities, but the majority of us can, and should, expect to count ourselves among these philanthropists some day if we all hold Trent as dear as we claim to. Without philanthropy from our community elders, the very real and imminent challenges that our current economy and the Province’s apathy have combined to create for Trent would not simply be daunting; they would be unassailable.

Now, the conscientious Trent community member must wonder: will the future Student Centre address these challenges?

There is reason to hope. The prestige and morale boost from a new, state-of-the-art facility can certainly have very real and positive effects on a university. As some of the speakers at the announcement pointed out, if Trent suffers from one thing it might be the somewhat scattered nature of our facilities and community buildings. The new Centre would address this problem, and again, to enhance our sense of identity and self-confidence as an institution can only be beneficial for Trent’s academic performance, extracurricular activity, and the integrity of our evolving college system.

It would be the height of optimism, however, to claim that a new building can remedy the underlying problems in our institution that have us in the current situation we are in. And this stark fact, I fear, has been lost on too many people. As one observant caller this morning on CBC Radio 1 The Sunday Edition pointed out, “maintenance is not as sexy as new development.” The video montage played at the announcement did not paint too clear of a vision for the future of the university, but it sure had plenty of motivational quotes, stock photos of happy Trent students, and strangely, at one point, what appeared to be a laughing group of Guatemalan children. The future Student Centre’s architect, Stephen Teeple, did not get too specific about its appearance or functions, but his assertion that the building’s “direct views to the river and the bus loop” will connect students to the spirit of the Otonabee like never before, creating “new ideas of learning, new ideas of socialization” was abstract, lengthy and impassioned.

It would be a deep injustice to find any fault in Mr. Stohn or his very generous gift to future Trent students (whom I propose we refer to henceforth as “Stohners” as an honour to him). What I implore my fellow students to do, nonetheless, is to sift through the type of commercial marketing I have described above and to ask the tough questions about how we will continue to thrive as a university in these austere times. As Mr. Stohn himself stated, it really is a heartening thing to see the type of student solidarity and goodwill that led to the voluntary $10.5M levy for the Student Centre.

Imagine what may be achieved if we continue to nourish this goodwill and to focus it.

...CONTINUED ON PAGE 8

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Collection of Micro-Short Stories Ali Whitwam

Neighbours

This week, I moved into a new house. The house itself is lovely, with two stories, three bedrooms, two baths, a fencedin backyard, and a big kitchen. The tree in the front yard is tall and strong and does a fine job of blocking my living room windows from the street, the water pressure is fabulous, the closets are large, and the wood floors are new. The only problem I’ve had so far is that my neighbors are rather loud. Our houses connect on one side, so we share a living room, bedroom, and kitchen wall. All day long I can hear them banging around their kitchen, watching loud movies, and their baby crying. It’s a bit trying, but nothing I can’t live with, I suppose.

Now, to get directly to what really concerns me, it started when I was in the shower this morning. I usually like to have music playing while I shower, but today, I decided that I’d rather just enjoy the silence. The activity was fairly uneventful, that is until as I was in the middle of washing my hair, I heard my neighbors talking from the other side of the wall. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but it sounded strange to me.

It seemed that they were mumbling something, whispering, and occasionally laughing quietly, but I couldn’t figure out how I could hear them at all since they were speaking so quietly. I thought that they must have been standing absurdly close to their side of the wall in order to be heard even as I showered.

I didn’t think too much of this until I was leaving for work an hour later. As I started to open my car door, I turned back to the house, feeling as though I’d forgotten something. As I looked up at my bedroom window, I realized that my bathroom is on the opposite side of the house from where my neighbors and I share a wall. But on the other side of the bathroom…

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Touch He and his girlfriend weren’t the most romantic couple. Their idea of spicing up their relationship was making out in the dark. He came over to her house late one night, when her parents were out of town, and they lay down on her bed together. He turned off the bedside lamp, held her hands in his, and began kissing her gently. The thing about the darkness is that it heightens your other senses.

The sound of her gentle breathing, beginning to quicken.

The sweet smell of perfume at the base of her neck.

The taste of her lips, and the salt on her skin.

The feel of nails beginning to dig into his shoulders.

Despite the darkness, his eyes snapped open as he realized that both her hands were still clasped firmly in his own.

Saturday Night

Here I lie, all snuggled up in bed, warm and satisfied under the soft silk covers, watching some stupid documentary on TV I’d never heard of.

I’d change the channel, but my hands are busy shoveling cookie dough ice cream into my mouth. Nights like these are rare; it isn’t often that the house is empty so I make sure to savor it. In fact, I wasn’t expecting anyone back till the morning. That’s what made the sound of the door opening downstairs so alarming.

Panic hits me like a freight train, I silently leap out from under the covers, spilling the ice cream all over the pristine white carpet on the floor, and move towards the closet next to the bed. I hear footsteps, heavy and indiscreet, like they want me to know they’re here. The footsteps get louder; I force myself into the tiny space remaining in the closet, and close the door, just as the stranger opens the bedroom door, not sparing any seconds for silence.

I peer through the gap, his face looks familiar, but I can’t place my finger on where I know him from. He spots the spilled ice cream, and darts his head across the wide expanse of the bedroom.

“Hello?” he calls, not sounding vicious, but I’ve made that mistake before. Never, under any circumstances, assume friendliness from a voice.

He looks under the bed. Oh crap, he’s looking for someone. I hold back a whimper, and try to quietly move further into the small space but I step on a fallen hanger and it snaps. The man turns his head around, and makes his way to the closet. I’m shaking now. Please don’t open it, please don’t open it, please don’t open it!

The door swings open, and we scream simultaneously in fear and surprise. He’s seen me.

I push past him violently, and sprint downstairs and away from the house, I charge down the road until I feel like I’m far enough away. I sit down for a moment, and exhale heavily before regaining my composure.

Pulling out my phone, I open Twitter and search #party, hopefully this time, I’ll find a household that isn’t lying when they say they’ll be out all night.

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Campus News

“On Mr. Stohn, Uni Finances, etc.”

Part 2: Alone with Stohn Zafer Izer

I was lucky enough to meet Mr. Stohn in October, and I got a chance to ask him some questions. To begin with, I wanted to know if he, having the advantage of age and experience, took any issue with my above assessment with respect to Trent’s financial situation and its alumni relations:

I think you’ve nailed it. Trent is going to have to rely more and more on alumni, and as a young university it is at a disadvantage to older universities who have had not just decades but centuries to build an endowment base. We can look enviously at institutions like Yale who have enormous endowment funds developed not over the past 50 years, but rather the last 350 years, with an ever-expanding base of potential alumni donors. You are right to focus on alumni giving, and I think your main point is that today’s stu-

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dents have already evinced the necessary spirit by giving to future students even while they are still current students and we need to do all we can to encourage them to continue that spirit of giving as they become alumni—very difficult for newly-minted alumni who are just starting their careers, easier for older alumni like myself who have been in the workforce for decades, but essential regardless!

I had noticed in his interview with Arthur that Mr. Stohn expressed some surprise at certain developments at Trent you had missed the memo on—most glaringly, the closing of Peter Robinson College. I wondered, if even he could experience such types of disconnect, if it was fair to be concerned about the quality of communication and involvement from our alumni community within ongoing Trent affairs. What might he suggest as

a way to meet this challenge?

I’m sympathetic to the difficulty in apprising on an ongoing basis all alumni on all issues including potentially negative and controversial issues affecting the University. Having said that, ideally the alumni would so so apprised, and it would seem a good idea to focus on different ways that alumni can be part of events which are not just fundraisers or homecomings but actually delve down into the current issues. Perhaps Arthur and Absynthe could be part of this focus, helping to present different sides of the issues, working in tandem with the Alumni Office?

And to wrap up, is there anywhere we can listen to your original Trent band with now-famous Canadian singer Chris Ward, Cookies and Milk?

Finally! First, as a side note, it has never been revealed which one of Christopher Ward

and myself is Captain Cookies, and which one is Major Milk. This has been and will remain a closely guarded secret! While there were many songs that Cookies and Milk created over the years, and many cover songs performed (mostly light country two-part harmony songs, like the Everly Brothers, The Byrds, Poco etc.) the only known recordings are those that ended up being recorded and released by Christopher, most notably the songs ‘Once In A Longtime’ and ‘Maybe Your Heart’ which we co-wrote. Now, Christopher and I are working on a book together, and if and when it is published perhaps we should make part of any related publicity events a Cookies and Milk Reunion Tour!

Provincial Committee Approves Founding of the

“University of Upper and Lower Canada” Zalala Syed

Chancellor Don Tapscott confirmed to Absynthe correspondents this week that he had approved a proposal by the controversial Strategic Provincial Committee on Strategic Mandate Agreements to amalgamate Trent University, alongside 33 other post-secondary institutions, into the newly confederated University of Upper and Lower Canada. “The Committee put together a pretty convincing argument,” stated Tapscott thickly through his steak and shrimp when reached at his office for comment. “I do believe that Trent will be able to retain the rich tradition and character that makes it so great, going forward into this new chapter.” Wiping his face with a wad of money from his desk drawer, Tapscott elaborated that, over the coming months, Trent would be absorbed along with every Canadian post-secondary institution east of the University

of Winnipeg. The primary reason for this restructuring is a decline in provincial post-secondary funding in recent years across Canada, which has made many individual schools struggle to stay afloat.

“It’s exciting, but a little intimidating too, I suppose,” offered 3rd Year Theoretical Archeology major, Raj Tinnitus. “My Tuesdays are going to be the craziest. I’ve got seminar first thing in the morning in Guelph and an epistemology lecture immediately after in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia.”

The TCSA intends to partner with Greyhound to implement a fully operational shuttle system that will accommodate the logistics of UULC by 2057.

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Series Finalist,Episode 3: True Detective (HBO) Tyler Holt

It’s hard to decide where to start on HBO’s sentially, each individual season of True DetecTrue Detective. This may be due to the fact that tive is a new “series” within the overarching title. the program has been one of the most talked If you consider this complete change of narrative about series this year. One of television’s greatest a spoiler I’ll apologize now, however, I feel it is merits is that it gets people together and talking, necessary to address the two seasons both indiwhich is what older and more traditional forms of vidually and in respect to each other in order to art have been failing to do in these recent genera- give an adequate review. tions.

The first season opens en medias res at the

Crime drama has become a very popular start of an interrogation that gives way to an introgenre with a plethora of hit shows like Homicide, duction to our two stars. Rust Cohle (Matthew CSI, Law and Order, Criminal Minds, What I believe that we are seeing and what we will and even HBO’s own The Wire. The genre has evolved and changed and see more of in the third season from HBO coming reimagined itself over time and with in 2016 is an experiment on traditional crime drama each iteration of the above titles. shows and their tropes.

The crime genre’s longevity—some might say stagnation—has certainly put the as- McConaughey) and Martin Hart (Woody Harrelyet released 2 seasons of True Detective on the son) are partners in a detective case that leads minds of every major critic and television viewer them to investigate an intricate set of serial murrecently. ders. This season is most acclaimed for its tight

One of the most striking characteristics of dialogue and incredible character development the series is how the program completely shifts that uses both plot and narrative as a tool to bring gears and resets with a new cast, new setting, the audience in closer to the story. It is set in the and new story at the beginning of season two. Es- winding country roads of the southern United 10 absynthe magazine

States, and harkens to the older buddy-cop format of crime drama where two characters are forced to work together despite having divisive differences, usually one of the two being wilder than the other. However, the watcher begins to question which is the more moral of the pair as their case becomes more and more mired in the cultish undertones of the southern swamps.

The second season begins with a flashback to set up a few of the relationship of the characters that we come to know in sprawling urban California. Season 2 has a far larger cast of characters than the first with the principle stars being Raymond Velcoro (Colin Farrell), Ani Bezzerides (Rachel McAdams), Paul Woodrugh (Taylor Kitsch), and Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn).

While the second season has been criticized for not having the same level of character development or plot clarity as season one, the season has received awards for delivering spectacular performances and magnificent action sequences.

I would also say that the ‘clarity’ of the plot in season two lends itself to the same level of unknowing that is common of the vice-cop drama that this show emulates, where the city itself is too big to be captured in a single story.

What I believe that we are seeing and what we will see more of in the third season from HBO

coming in 2016 is an experiment on traditional crime drama shows and their tropes. True Detective takes the regular motif of the two crime drama formats, and uses them like a canvas on which it paints it’s incredible story and incredible characters. The formats of the buddy-cop and vice style cop shows are those that the audience is familiar, but the twists and turns that the seasons bring to the formats makes the worlds come alive with character.

It is exactly this format that leads me to believe that the upcoming third season will continue to build on this approach with yet another but distinctively different crime-based narrative. Possibly the audience will be receiving a new spin on the Sherlock and Watson duo that acts as a consultant to the police, or the Law and Order struggles in the courts of law with convicting the criminals that are caught. Only time will tell if I’m right, but time is still going to give us another great season of HBO’s True Detective.

Well, that review was sort of short, but so is True Detective! Have you seen it? Think I’m right about what we are in for in Season 3?

Are you all caught up on the second season of The Flash? What are you watching and what do you think? Send in an email to Seriesfinalist@gmail.com for all your comments, feedback, and watching recommendations!

Tyler Holt is a third year English Major and the Copy Editor for Absynthe Magazine. He likes to write about his interests which are cooking, television, movies, and art in general.

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Walking In A Winter Wonderland

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Astrology Aries (3/21- 4/20)

For you, snow is synonymous with winter sports.

Let us not forget that you are the athlete of the Zodiac. You are fond of thrills, and if you must choose a mountain resort, you will pick a place with the steepest slopes. At the end of the day, you still have enough energy for the evening programme—it is obvious that a true Aries never hibernates.

Taurus (4/21-5/20)

As you look at the smoke coming out of the chimney, you do not conceal your joy. You enjoy the pleasures of winter holidays only if you spend them in a comfortable place. You like typical traditional resorts, with little restaurants where you can taste local specialities.

Wrapped up in cashmere sweaters, in down jackets both warm and light, or even in furs, you pay no attention to your waistline, and you indulge in delicious foods.

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

It is out of the question to stay in some sluggish resort isolated on its rock, for you would be bored to death.

You adore resorts with gorgeous snow parks that offer night skiing or altitude festivals. Indeed, you need at least a new mountain destination to discover every year.

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

Snow mountain? The idea to venture in a world which, at first glance, seems so hostile to a summer sign like yours does not spontaneously occur to you. Indeed, you loathe the cold! On the other hand, the principle of a cosy cottage with a corner by the fireplace where you can read a good book and listen to music.

Leo (7/23-8/22)

It is out of the question to let yourself be dragged in a remote village no one has heard of. Because the purpose is to parade up and down the resort, showing off your brand new ski suit and your state of the art equipment.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

Sport activities are not what motivate you most. On the other hand, you are interested in the wellness trend in vogue, related to a quest for peacefulness, and if possible, in a sophisticated environment. Your secret desire may be to wear elegant branded clothes matching your skiing style.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

Deep down within yourself, you are fond of snow and its hypnotic power. You are a bit mystical, and you enjoy watching the snowflake dance, which seems to belong to a realm of the Snow Queen. When it comes to sports you enjoy extreme thrills such as sliding down the slopes at night, or diving in a frozen lake.

Of all the zodiacal signs, you are the one who appreciates a large variety of styles. For instance, you are tempted by the village perched at the top of a cliff, far from the crowd, but overlooking the valley, just so that you can take advantage of the panorama and meditate.

As far as snow is concerned, it would be difficult for your sign to dream of a better project. To begin with, you are not afraid of winter’s harsh conditions. The mountain and the cold are your natural elements.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Since you are a winter sign, you appreciate the magic of snowy landscapes. You take advantage of the snow instead of attending touristic places. You are able to persuage your friends to sled down the slopes or to try driving sled dogs.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

In line with the moment of the winter when nature hesitates between the first signs of spring and the unyielding harshness of the cold season, you swing from love and rejection of the snow.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Snow is synonymous with authenticity. You are a rather slow-ski type. You select medium-altitude mountains where you ramble in the woods to explore. You are fond of cross-country skiing.

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Conversation Ideas for the Socially Stunted.

Erin McLaughlin Oh oh oh, we are in the midst of the holidays. With some just having past, and some soon to come we cannot help but feel a little warmer, a little happier, a little… spicier. Even on the chilliest of days.

Smells of good food are in the air. Grocery stores are laying out pumpkins, and wrinkly hands are busy knitting jingle bell sweaters and mittens. But Grandpa’s pumpkin pie doesn’t seem so sweet when you’re sitting across the table from great uncle Henry, staring at your hands as you ask, for the third time, how the petunias are.

Obviously not all of our family members are as difficult to talk to as that dust bunny under your couch, but regardless you should think of this little article as a “how to” of sorts. Confidently whip it out in the middle of a conversation so dull that you want to gauge your eyeballs out. Give it a quick skim while your hiding in the bathroom; slyly replace your napkin with it.

Print out copies for your siblings, your parents, cousin Asha, who you always feel kind of sorry for. The advice you are about to receive will turn a boring dinner into a fun, colourful and memorable feast.

This first one is a real classic; a real crowd pleaser. Throw some parenting advice in your aunts’ and uncles’ direction. Trust me—no one doesn’t want a poor twenty year old to tell them how to raise their kids. With all your life experience, you’re bound to have come across some techniques. Fourteen-year-old bad-boy cousin Billy refusing to eat his peas? Show them the ol’ airplane maneuver. This wouldn’t have the same effect on Billy that it would on toddlers—trust me, he won’t start giggling and squirming. It is a simple, and yet very complex and effective humiliation procedure. Or take baby Amy, who hasn’t stopped screaming since your aunts arrived. Explain how they can give her the ol’ flipperoo: 1. With a smirk, tape the bad behaviour you’re 14 absynthe magazine

seeing and loudly talk about how you’re going to post it on the Internet.

2. Approach the uneasy parent and show them the video. Tell them that you never did that when you were that age, and that their child is a primitive little thing.

3. When they enthusiastically (or sarcastically) ask what they should do—tell them! I’m sure you, and everyone else at the table, has a little tip. You could even get a little game going where you go around the table and everyone has to tell the parents why they did a horrible job. While hard feelings are a possibility, the topic is much more exciting than watching shaky and vertical videos of Amy’s latest ballet recital.

If there are no devil children about, another

option could include a discussion of conspiracy theories. Honestly, I’m sure you have at least one relative who is into this stuff. There are a few classics, such as Harper’s secret lizard wife. Cows actually being small men who got stuck in funny suits, or you know, the one involving a magical alcoholic, belly buttons and very tiny gold fish. Not only is this a great opportunity to warn those

your cousin has. It might be the latest iPhone, tablet, a very small dog they can keep in their pocket, or any of grippidy gadgets they might have. When someone asks you why about the sudden change in mood, woefully explain to them that your parents never get you anything cool. Begin at birth, when your mother forced you to stop eating the bird poop you so desperately wanted.

Slowly move throughout your sad, lonely life and tell them about all the Begin at birth, when your mother forced you to stop missed opportunities. The tamagoteating the bird poop you so desperately wanted chi you couldn’t take to school, the princess dress that you were denied you kind of like, but it will also trick everyone into after throwing a fit in the store. Go on for an exthinking that you know stuff. Like, smart people cruciatingly long time, describing the dress you stuff. Like, your family will think you’re some sort wanted in perfect detail. As if the cotton sunset of of smart person (!!). If mid-conversation you re- happiness was right in front of you. Sure, your aunt alize that they’re all starting to think that you’re may roll her eyes, and your parents will hear every just a paranoid loser, just keep on going. Don’t word you say, looking around the table with horstop talking until you have convinced everyone in rified expressions. But maybe, just maybe, somethe room that a magical alcoholic created a gi- one (your mum or dad) will feel so bad for you that ant belly button pond filled with tiny goldfish, and they’ll drive you straight to the mall. It’s unlikely, transported it to the moon. I don’t care if this is but it’s worth a shot! And regardless, you’re still an eight hour-long commitment. Stay the course going to be the topic of discussion, even if 80% even if it turns into years of daily unwanted phone of your family writes you off as a spoiled brat. The calls and emails of warnings and reports. At least details of all the stuff you never got can be made they will be ready when the little gold fish finally up, but nobody will know. What they will know, grow wings and come to earth. however, is that the all this stuff you never had is

This last one is my favourite, because it burned into your brain. That you are drowning in might just guilt your parents into buying you stuff. sorrow, regret, and resentment. There is a hole in During the meal, sigh loudly at something cool your heart, and it’s the shape of an apple.

WANT TO BE PUBLISHED? WE WANT YOUR SUBMISSIONS!

Absynthe is a submissions-based magazine and we are always accepting submissions from you! Any Trent student who would like to publish their work can send it to us at trentabsynthe@gmail.com.

Submissions can be any length and written the way you want. However, can be subject to editing for spelling and grammar as well as verified for appropriate content. Please include your name for publication, as well as a word count, and title. Please submit file names as Lastname_MonthYear. Photos and Images are encouraged!

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Justin Trudeau Exclusive

The World Can’t Stop Talking About Our Hot New Prime Minister!

Justin Trudeau

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Skinning the Surface Commentary from Josh Skinner, Host of 97.7 FM’s Trent Variety

Trudeau’s Hair: Perfect Model for Lean, Efficient Government

We live in a post-Washington-consensus world, and the collective populace inhabiting Justin Trudeau’s electable skull. The hairs, through collective action, have created a community that perfectly represents the world that they live in.

When one looks at Trudeau’s hair it is evident that he has taken Reaganomics and applied them to creating a coif that gives off vibes of strong leadership by bending over to free market principles.

When applying product to his hair, Justin starts by applying gel to the top and allows the benefits from his product to trickle down.

Trudeau’s hair doesn’t pander to the masses, it’s not meant to be touched by poor people; it’s pristine, lean, and clean. His hair operates in the exact same way that Maggy Thatcher dreamed her government could.

A man’s hair says entirely too much about him. Way too much. You see a man-bun, you know he loves the Lumineers and eating raw popcorn. If he has a mullet it’s a bit more complicated, either he lost a bet to his friend or he lost a bet to his daughter’s mother who, as a cousin, made a bet with him that she was only calling in as a result of a lovers’ quarrel.

So let’s just remember that small things can tell you a lot about a person. If the way that Justin Trudeau handles his hair can tell you anything, it’s that if elected, he’s going to apply a top-down approach to government that projects perfection.

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The Cabinet Ain’t Havin’ It Joy Doonan

I would like to think that Canada’s reac- that if parliament’s makeup has been disproportion to Justin Trudeau’s gender-parity cabinet, tionately male up until now, that disproportionaterevealed early this November, has been predomi- ness must logically follow through. From a strictly nantly celebratory. The immediate appearance of technical position this almost makes sense: if only some less-than-progressive reactions within the 25% of the pool that Trudeau had to draw from media, though, is by no means shocking. The were female, then it would be most likely that approach adopted by Andrew Coyne and John 25% of his cabinet choice would be female-if he Ivison of the National Post, most notably, has were choosing randomly, or if he supported the been to paint female ministers, lumped into one idea that merit and numerical equality are someundifferentiated category, as “rookies” and “un- how mutually exclusive. knowns.”

Laying out straight numerical facts with Aside from the obvious insult in the choice out an analysis of context is a great way to shock of inflammatory readers into conviction, but any journalist who writes about that buzzwords, there ratio and also has Presenting Trudeau’s cabinet as having are more a sense of persacrificed merit for the sake of meeting a deep-seated sonal accountproblems with this representational quota is simplistic to the ability would have attitude. Presenting point of complete inaccuracy. to provide some Trudeau’s cabinet as having sacrificed merit for the sake of meeting answer to the glaring question of why women a representational quota is simplistic to the point make up only a quarter of the Liberal caucus in of complete inaccuracy. Yet, despite the blatant the first place. It is not so common to see journallack of depth, I think there is a real danger of the ists of mainstream news outlets questioning why ‘meritocracy’ rhetoric feeding the ignorance that there has never before now been even close to supports ongoing skepticism for equal represen- an evenly divided cabinet, or why, for example, tation.

PM Harper’s first cabinet in 2006 was comprised

Coyne, for one, is under the impression of six women to twenty men. It is assumed that that the fixed gender quota of 50% women goes there is a justification for women’s consistent mibeyond the basic ethics of ensuring diversity, and nority presence in government, but at the very creates a hierarchy of gender over qualification. first instance of a simple neutral divide, a closing “Women make up just over a quarter of the Lib- of the historical gender gap which, to Trudeau, is eral caucus,” he wrote on November 2 before the so common-sense that it merits only the explacabinet was announced, “yet they will make up nation, “because it’s 2015,” journalists like Coyne precisely half of cabinet. Your chances of getting are persistent in scrutinizing the rationale. into cabinet as a woman are as such roughly three Ivison’s approach to the cabinet is still times that of a man.” Coyne’s direct implication is more brazen than Coyne’s, and involves less 18 absynthe magazine

analytical depth. There isn’t, in fact, much to be authority and diplomacy. So perhaps at the very countered in Ivison’s opinion piece “Expect a Lib- least we need to trouble the way “merit” is being eral Cabinet Full of Unknowns if Trudeau Keeps used in reference to Trudeau’s new cabinet.

Vow to Pick More Women,” because his argu- The point here, however, is not to exhausment, or lack thereof, is all present in the title- a tively rebut Ivison or Coyne by affirming that each single, unfounded but alarmist statement. Ivison of the appointed female cabinet ministers do in writes, “Trudeau’s commitment to ensure half of fact have extensive qualifications. Rather, I am the slimmed-down cabinet is female is going to actively questioning why this constant affirmation bruise more than a few male egos-and It’s difficult to reconcile Ivison’s trivializing aselevate up to a dozen rookie women.”

When reading this article, it’s necessary sessment of the female candidates with the imto pause here and consider what it may pressive resumés be about these women’s qualifications or political histories that make them “rookies” in and justification is needed whenever the political Ivison’s mind, then notice as one reads on that figure in question is a woman; why it is always he doesn’t specifically answer this. Instead, he deemed necessary to legitimize, substantiate and mostly provides a list of his estimates as to which measure the “merit” of a female in government. candidates were slated to be appointed.

There is no more literal embodiment of the word

It’s difficult to reconcile Ivison’s trivializing “equality” than a statistic that says “50-50.” If assessment of the female candidates with the im- Coyne and Ivison won’t acknowledge the basic pressive resumés of the women that he mentions. truth that disproportionate representation requires A quick look at Jody Wilson-Raybould’s creden- adjustment, rest assured their main concerns are tials shows that she was a Crown prosecutor in not to do with merit within the cabinet positions, British Columbia, and part of the rationale for but with a simple investment in the comfort of staappointing her Minister of Justice is her intimate tus quo. knowledge of Aboriginal affairs within Canada’s legal system. She is a long-standing Indigenous leader and activist who has been a key figure in pushing for an inquiry on missing and murdered Joy Doonan is a third-year Aboriginal women. For her own illustrious set of gender studies student with credentials, I also fail to find how Democratic Ina love of philosophy. She stitutions Minister Maryam Monsef can realistienjoys writing in all forms cally be labelled a “rookie;” she sat on the YWCA of fiction and non-fiction, Peterborough-Haliburton board of directors as and takes a special interest Vice-President, and acted as director of the New in gendered social justice Canadians Centre- both of which are services she issues, as well as arts and used herself as a new immigrant. Both of these culture. women have proven experience in positions of

absynthe magazine 19

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We at Absynthe Magazine value our position as Trent University’s alternative press and profoundly regret not being able to meet the standards we set for ourselves in the Fall. Happily, we have put some major technical glitches behind us and hope to return to business as usual for the remainder

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