Minnesota Kids

www.minnlocal.com – Thursday, March 17, 2011 – Bloomington Sun-Current

In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

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Fill your cup with happiness

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ABC’s of building self-esteeem

Growing an independent child ...

by Rhonda Moskowitz, M.A., Practical Solutions Parent Coaching, LLC I have yet to meet the parent who wants her child to be living with her when he is 30. Everyone wants her child to grow up to be a self sufficient, independent adult. The goal is to for them to get a job, move out, and come visit us. How do you get from having to help them put on their shoes every day to moving out?

Encourage your child to do as much for himself as he can.

Yes, we can do it quicker and better, but it doesn’t help him learn how to do it by himself.

Mistakes are great teachers. If he didn’t like the outcome, he’ll have to think of a new solution.

Describe what he did well. Ignore what didn’t work. “You put your shoes on all by yourself!” is a very different message than “Your shoes are on the wrong feet”. He will figure out in short order that the shoes feel funny. Correcting his own mistake makes him a problem solver!

Ask questions instead of providing answers.

It is a gift to allow your child to be bored, sad, and even unhappy. If we solve every problem for them, what happens when we’re not there?

Grow a problem solver. Fight the urge to fix the problem by saying something like “Um. I hate it when that happens.” Then

sit back and see what develops.

Allow your child to feel uncomfortable. If you fix the problem your child has learned that someone else will take care of things. Give him the chance to work things out in his own way.

Allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his choices. Wouldn’t get up in the morning and now he is late for school? Take him to school and have him explain why he is late.

I once spoke with the mother of a second grade child. She was a single parent who worked full time outside the home. She amazed me when she said that her daughter packed her own lunch for school every day. It never occurred to me that such a young child could do that! That right there was the lesson I learned. Just because I didn’t think a child could do something didn’t make it a fact. If we support, encourage, and slowly raise our expectations,” by the time our child is 30 she will be inviting us to visit her—in her home! ”Rhonda Moskowitz, 2010, All Rights Reserved Rhonda Moskowitz, M.A., PCI Certified Parent Coach® has been working with families for over 30 years. She is a Parent Coach and Consultant, and founder of Practical Solutions Parent Coaching, LLC, www.practicalsolutionsparentcoaching.com.

Contact Rhonda at Rhonda@practicalsolutionsparentcoaching.com.

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Bloomington Sun-Current – Thursday, March 17, 2011 – www.minnlocal.com

In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

Healthy self-esteem fills the cup with happiness

by Mindy Mateuszczyk Ask any parent what they dream for their child. Most will reply they hope their child achieves success, happiness or some version of that. Believing it will ensure their child’s success, many parents will enroll their child in everything from piano lessons to soccer camp. While these can be helpful in giving children a leg up, research shows one of the core ingredients for both a happy and successful life is healthy selfesteem.

Peter Somers, a licensed psychologist practicing in Maple Grove, shares the relationship between self-confidence and selfesteem.

“Self-esteem represents a person’s individual sense of yourself and how one measures their competence and worth,” said Somers.

“If a person had adequate selfesteem they typically demonstrate confidence.”

He says while self-esteem is somewhat abstract, confidence can be measured through behavior. Confidence and a positive attitude are the tool by which parents can determine the health of their child’s self-esteem.

WHAT’S IN THE GLASS? What behaviors should parents look for in determining if their child is struggling with their selfesteem?

Somers offers several situations a parent can observe to measure this: What is the child’s willingness to take on a new task?

How does the child react to a new situation or unfamiliar surroundings?

How does the child describe themselves? Does he use positive or negative words?

Does the child talk about the future in a positive or negative way, or even at all?

What is the child’s frustration level with a difficult task?

How resilient is the child in the face of difficulty or failure?

A child who responds fearfully, negatively, tearfully or with anger

in these situations probably struggles with their self-esteem.

“We all have setbacks and problems, but a child with higher selfesteem will tend to bounce back more quickly and won’t appear to be so wounded.”

Serious self-esteem issues could evolve into anxiety disorders or depression. However, the symptoms for these present differently in children. According to Somers, a child that is experiencing anxiety or depression may have periods when they seem to behave normally but there will be recurrent periods of depression, acting out, increased tearfulness, lower energy, apathy, or sleep and appetite disturbances.

GLASS HALF-EMPTY To that end, there are many ways parents can influence their child’s self-esteem, both positively and negatively.

Attitude can play into selfesteem. A pessimistic attitude can lead to a lower self-esteem. While there might be a hereditary component to pessimism, a child’s environment can have an impact.

“One of the best things parents can do for their children is model self-confidence and a healthy self-esteem,” said Somers. “Children look to their parents for a lot of things and if they see their parents behaving with a positive attitude about the way they view themselves, children will tend to integrate or imitate that.”

Somers said if a parent is struggling with low self-esteem or depression they may want to consider seeking professional help both for their own sake and the sake of their child.

Just as a child’s environment can have an impact on them, their genes can too.

“Sometimes children are wired to perceive the world in a negative or pessimistic way, even with optimistic parents and a positive home life,” said Somers. In these cases, parents may want to seek further help.

FILLING THE GLASS There are several ways parents can consciously help improve their child’s self-esteem.

Problem-Solving: Somers says children with high selfesteem have good problem-solving skills.

“This provides a child the confidence they need to handle things as they come up,” Somers said.

If there is a specific issue the child

seems to be dealing with, such as a problem with a firend, Somers suggests brainstorming ways to solve the issue. Role playing can also be helpful.

Assign Tasks: Somers says assigning children with tasks promotes responsibility. Anything from setting the table, helping with dinner or taking care of a pet based on the child’s ability level can instill a sense of responsibility and worthiness.

“Being needed is something we all like to feel,” Somers said.

Framing: Attitude is important, especially when facing problems. Somers says it’s important to frame problems in positive

terms. Try to view problems as an opportunity to learn. Ask what the life lesson is to be gained from encountering a difficult situation.

Labels: Labels and criticism can be very detrimental to a child.

Referring to children as “the athletic one,” the “smart one,” or the “rambunctious one” can box a child in, cause stress or fear to live up – or down – to their label.

Harsh criticism can come across as a label also.

“Avoid being judgmental or using global labels to describe a child’s characteristics,” he said. Somers suggests parents pay attention to their tone of voice and the words they use. Instead of criticizing a child for poor performance in math class, it may be better to say, “Let’s figure out how to learn this math together.”

Activities: Extra-curricular activities can build a great deal of confidence and sense of self-worth.

“Anytime you get involved and learn something new or have a chance to interact with others and be more independent it can be beneficial,” said Somers. But he warns about being careful to select age-appropriate activities that will foster a child’s self-confidence. In parents’ enthusiasm to steer their children towards greatness it’s important to not to push too hard. If children complain about going to their activities or express frustration, fear or other signs of low self-esteem, the extra curricular activities can become counterproductive.

A CUP THAT RUNNETH OVER Boosting a child’s self-esteem is typically the more prominent concern but there is a risk of too much self-esteem, or an over-exaggerated sense of self. This can lead to a child developing a sense of entitlement. Somers says the most common mistake parents make in con-

tributing to type of situation is offering non-specific general praise.

Here are some examples: Instead of, “You’re such a good boy.”

Try, “I really like the way you solved that problem with your brother by using your words.”

Instead of, “You’re so smart!”

Try, “Your hard work studying really paid off!”

Instead of, “You’re so nice.”

Try, “Drawing that picture for your friend who was sick was a really kind thing to do.”

Looking at a helpless child so dependent on his parents for survival, it’s easy to understand why a parent would vow to protect that child from any pain. But Somers says that can be detrimental to a child’s long-term development.

Protecting a child from natural consequences that may result in a little pain can actually serve to erode a child’s self-esteem because they never have a chance to deal with disappointment and overcome it. Overprotective parents may inadvertently make decisions for a child that they could make for themselves. The child could internalize these actions as their parent not having faith in them and could develop a sense of inadequacy or insecurity for the child.

Other behaviors Somers tells parents to avoid include: - Comparing - Overly harsh punishment - Continuous disapproving criticism - Expecting too much, perfectionist tendencies - Placing a child in a situation they are not ready for It is ideal if parents are attentive from the beginning of a child’s life. Self-esteem erodes slowly but once it has, it can be difficult to rebuild. Trust and respect may need to be rebuilt first. It is important to remember, a healthy selfesteem is a critical indicator to success and happiness as a child enters the world.

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In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

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Bloomington Sun-Current – Thursday, March 17, 2011 – www.minnlocal.com

In the Community, With the Community, For the Community

Local teacher shares the ABC’s of building self-esteem

by Mindy Mateuszczyk One of the biggest transitions for a child is starting school. In addition to filling up the backpack with essentials, filling a child with self-esteem is crucial to their success in school.

“We spend so much time working on self-esteem and respect so children can be confident enough to learn,” said Roberts, who has been teaching for 17 years.

France Roberts, a first grade teacher at Kimberly Lane Elementary in Wayzata School District, spends a lot of time thinking about ways to build the self-esteem of his students. His classroom tips could translate into some ideas for home too.

ACCOUNTABILITY In Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – Roberts also involves the class in developing class rules. ”We make up the rules together, everyone signs the poster with the rules and they know this is our classroom,” he said. “I never say ‘not in MY classroom you don’t…’”

He also pays close attention to the comments parents provide on the Parents as Partners information sheet he asks them to fill out at the beginning of the year.

At home – parents can sit down with their child and create a similar contract called the house rules that are posted in a prominent location, such as the kitchen.

Consequences could also be included. Anytime a rule is broken, a parent can point to the rules, reminding the

child they helped choose those rules. This can reduce the parent versus child conflict by using an external set of rules created by the team, as the measure of behavior.

BOOKS In Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – One of Roberts’ favorite tools is books.

“I use lots of books, there are some really great ones that deal with respect, self-esteem and feelings,” he said.

One of his favorites authors for children is Kevin Hankes including “Chrysanthemum.”

At home – Reading books together offers multiple benefits. A child will notice a parent setting aside everything else to spend time reading with them. This also helps the child with their academics. The ability to read and comprehend is a large part of how people communicate with each other in this world of computers and texting.

COMFORT In Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – During the first weeks, Roberts encourages his students to bring in something special from kindergarten or summer vacation and to share pictures of their family.

“It’s important to get them comfortable and talking to each other,” said Roberts, a Teacher of the Month award winner.

At home – Provide mementos that are comforting to the child and helps reaffirm their identity. An easy way to do this is by scrapbooking photos of some favorite family

memories or by making a collage out of photos and cutting pictures out of a magazine that the child identifies with.

COMMITMENT In Mr. Roberts’ Classroom – Spending time talking with students and helping them develop strategies to success is important to Roberts. When a student expresses anger, he takes time out to talk with them about other ways to respond to a difficult situation. For all students, he assures them they can ask him questions anytime and encourages.

Roberts says it’s important to help his students feel good about themselves and what they are trying to achieve.

“If you feel good about something, you’ll work hard and do your best at it,” he said.

At home – Checking in with children regularly is important. With busy schedules, it can be easy to overlook day-to-day struggles or to become impatient with children. Sharing highs and lows about each other’s day is one way to do this, but for families with truly hectic schedules, a parent-child journal may be helpful. Shawna Anderson, of Lakeville, started a journal with her children. It began when she worked odd nursing shifts. They would simply share their highs and lows but eventually evolved in a sort of shared diary. Anderson attributes the journal as a tool that deepened the bond between herself and her daughters. She says they discussed things they might not have ever covered otherwise.