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SUN THISWEEK - Lakeville February 17, 2017 9A

Discovering The Mature Lifestyle Three generations under one Richfield roof - Next page

Across Generations

February 17, 2017

February Issue

Having an impact on young lives Eagan, Lakeville, Farmington women serve as foster grandparents

BY SUE WEBBER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Dakota County Juvenile Service Center, Hastings For the last 16 years, Mary Monahan, a resident of Eagan, has served at the Dakota County Juvenile Service Center in Hastings. Three days a week, for three to four hours a day, she works with 13- to 18-year-olds who are incarcerated there. “They all call me grandma,� she said. “I don’t try to teach.

Deb Knutsen has volunteered weekly for the last ďŹ ve years.

I’m not a disciplinarian. I’m just there. I sit with them during class and at lunch. Sometimes they want to talk. Mostly, they need someone to listen to them.�

If someone looks sad, Monahan might ask if they want to talk. Generally, the conversa-

tions are about pets, siblings or school, she said. Sometimes, especially on holidays, Monahan brings cookies or fudge with her to her volunteer post.

Monahan, who has five children, 12 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren of her own,

said she’s always enjoyed volun- enjoy them. They’re pretty sweet teering. “I like people, and I like kids. Things just didn’t go well volunteering. It’s good for me,� for them.� said Monahan, who previously served at the Dorothy Day Center in St. Paul.

As for the young people she FOSTER - TO NEXT PAGE meets each week, she said, “I

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Adventures for a Lifetime

Grandparents donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to be blood relatives to have an impact on the younger generation.

The Foster Grandparents program, sponsored by Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota, bears that out. The program began in 1965, as part of President Lyndon Johnsonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;War on Poverty.â&#x20AC;? Now, an estimated 900 Foster Grandparents serve throughout Minnesota.

According to Ron Urbanski, assistant director of Senior Corps and Neighbor to Neighbor programs for LSS, the local foster grandparents range in age from 64 to 86. They serve as role models mentors and friends to the young people they see on a regular basis. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a chance for the young people to build a relationship with another adult.

10A February 17, 2017 SUN THISWEEK - Lakeville

Across Generations February 2017 Issue

Discovering The Mature Lifestyle February 17, 2017

Three generations share a home amicably in Richfield

BY SUE WEBBER CONTRIBUTING WRITER Family is at the center of everything that happens in the Richfield home where Sheri and Doug Nelson have lived for the last 26 years.

Throughout their 41-year marriage, the Nelsons, parents of three children and grandparents to four, have maintained close ties with their families of origin, and now, their own progeny. At the moment, three female relatives who are in transition are temporarily boarding at the Nelsons, each moving in with a pet, as well. All three of them work– one also is in college– and each has her own car, so the driveway is full.

In addition to the Nelsons and their dog, Taylor, their five-bedroom home is temporarily occupied by daughter Sarah, granddaughter Kayla, and Sheri’s sister Roberta. Each has a pet: Sarah has Sammy the cat, Kayla has a dog named Melody, and Rebecca’s dog is Cocoa.

Sheri and Doug are both still working: Sheri is a Twin Cities property manager and Doug is a maintenance technician.

“Doug is the best guy in the entire world,” Sheri said. “He is a saint, in my opinion. He’s very helpful. He’s like the calm, and I’m like the storm. He’s always solving things.”

The Nelsons have had “people in and out of our house for a long time,” according to Sheri.

“My mom and dad lived with us for a year, then my oldest brother and his wife, then my sister and her two kids,” she said. “I’m so glad I got to spend a lot of time with my mom before she died; I was very close with my mom. After she died, my dad lived with us for 10 years.”

At one time, two of the Nelsons’ grandchildren lived with them for 18 months.

Doug was raised in a family with three other brothers.

Coming from a family with four brothers and two sisters, Sheri said, “I was raised with the idea that you just take care of family; that’s what you do.”

Her mother ran three restaurants and

Currently sharing the Nelson three-generational home in Richfield are, clockwise from left: granddaughter Kayla, Sheri, Doug, daughter Sarah, and Roberta, Sheri’s sister. (Submitted photo) her dad owned a construction company. refrigerator of the groceries we need.

“We all helped with the businesses,” she They all help with the housework. Evsaid. “My aunts and uncles’ boys worked erybody keeps up their own room. If there, too.” someone gets in to a bind for some reaIt was just natural for her, Sheri said, son, someone else will pitch in and help to take care of family, and that includes out, but being in a bind can’t be a habit. hosting most of the holiday gatherings. The same goes for cleaning of their asYears ago, the Nelsons added two bed- signed room. rooms in the basement of their home.

“Everyone does their own laundry on “It’s like a two-bedroom apartment,” she their assigned day. I take care of doing said. “The girls each have their own TV the general towel supply for the bathsets in their rooms.” room upstairs, but bathing and showerDoug said he originally had designs ing towels are up to the individual; they on building a workshop in the basement. each have their own bath sheet/towels.”

“By the time I had the sheetrock on, we Sheri grocery shops once a week and needed a bedroom for our son and his keeps the family’s two freezers full. “I future wife,” Doug said. “So I put up an- might go to Sam’s Club and buy a whole other wall, and the basement became a boatload of chicken or beef,” she said. two-bedroom apartment.”

“If they want something other than Organization is the key to keeping what I get, they have to buy it themthings running smoothly within an ex- selves,” Sheri said. “They’re on their own tended family that includes three gen- for snacks.” erations. “It’s not hard if you get orgaIf work schedules conflict with mealnized,” Sheri said. “There’s a place for time, the women cook on their own. everything. Keeping lists is important. Dish cleanup is shared by whoever ate at You make charts. We keep a list on the mealtime.

“During the week, when Doug and I are working, whoever comes home from work first starts dinner,” Sheri said. “We have a binder that contains the menu for that night in front, along with any recipes that are needed.” Sometimes the housemates cook together, she said.

Friday nights belong to Doug. “Sheri and I have an agreement that I go out and ride my motorcycle on Friday nights,” he said.

The Nelsons are both graduates of Bloomington Kennedy High School.

Doug grew up in Bloomington, and Sheri has lived in Minneapolis, Burnsville and Bloomington.

Having been active with her father in the construction business, Sheri went from high school to taking business law classes at Normandale Community College, and thought about being an attorney.

But she married young and had two children, so she got into the property management business instead. In her 40-year career, she has managed marketrate cooperatives, condominiums, NS cooperative, commercial and warehouse properties.

Doug, in the meantime, was a cabinetmaker, and then briefly pursued classes to be an x-ray technician.

He says he inherited his dad’s “ability to understand things very easily. When I was a senior in high school, my dad bought a boat kit in a box, a 22-foot cabin cruiser, and put it together. He learned how to do all of it by buying a book. From him, I got the ability to fix things and understand things. I’m always interested in learning new things.”

Eventually, Doug worked in Sheri’s family’s construction business, starting as a laborer, then got into brick laying, tuck pointing and heating and air conditioning.

Doug sums up his view of the family’s present living arrangement succinctly: “We have to be considerate of other people. Because we’re all family, it’s easy to be respectful and still tease the heck out of each other.”

Foster Grandparent program seeing results FOSTER - FROM PREVIOUS PAGE A native of north Minneapolis, Monahan has lived in Eagan since 1957.

the fifth year Foster Grandparents have been working with students at the school.

“Foster Grandparents contacted us in the spring of 2012,” Bertucci said. “Their program coordinator met with our principal and me to see if we would be interested in partnering with them and piloting their program, and the rest is history. Deb and Mary have been with us ever since.

“Deb and Mary truly make a difference in the lives of their students. They help their students, not only with their reading, but with their overall confidence. They get to know each student well. They establish great relationships. Their students can tell how much they care.”

Farmington Elementary School Principal Kim Bollesen said, “We truly love having our Foster Grandparents in our building. They are such an asset and so good with the kids. LaVonne does a wonderful job with scheduling and helping them with anything they need.”

Mary Hansen is a Foster Grandparent at the same school her own children attended.

Mary Monahan has served at the Dakota County Juvenile Services Center in Hastings for the last 16 years.

Farmington Elementary School Deb Knutson and Mary Hansen each work with a dozen second- and fourth-graders from 9 a.m. to noon five days a week at Farmington Elementary School. Knutsen, now in her fifth year at the school, said she got acquainted with Farmington Elementary when her grandchildren were students there.

“I really believe volunteering is important,” said Knutson. “It’s fun. Some kids don’t like reading at all. I really feel good when I see kids improving in reading.”

Before she began her work as a school volunteer, Knutsen worked as a Ramsey County probation officer for 35 years. A native of St. Paul, Knutsen has lived in Farmington for 45 years. She has a daughter and three grandchildren.

Mary Hansen, also of Farmington, has been a Foster Grandparent at Farmington Elementary for more than four years.

“It’s the school our five children went to,” said Hansen, who has lived in Farmington all her life and also has one grandchild. “The teachers give us lots of support. They’re glad we’re there.”

When she first heard about the need for Foster Grandparents, Hansen said, “It sounded like something I could do. I’m not new to volunteering. It keeps you young, and I’m really happy to do it.”

She’s found that Farmington Elementary “really is a nice place to work. Sometimes I get hugs from the kids when I come into the room, or when they see me in the hall, and sometimes even when they run into me at the grocery store.”

LaVonne Bertucci, a Title 1 reading specialist at Farmington Elementary, coordinates the program and also is an internal coach for the school’s Minnesota Reading Corps tutors. Bertucci said this is

reading gains for some of the students that have been reading with ‘Grandma Pat.’ Our teachers all vie for time with Grandma Pat.”

About Foster Grandparents

Pat Bromley of Lakeville monitors a fourth-grader’s reading progress.

Akin Road Elementary School, Farmington Pat Bromley of Lakeville has been volunteering four hours a day, four days a week at Akin Road Elementary in Farmington for four years.

“I help them with reading,” Bromley said. “The teacher chooses who I read with. Some children are pretty shy; some are friendlier than others.”

“I’m really glad I got into Foster Grandparents,” she said. “It’s really been good for me. I intend to keep up with it.”

A native of Farmington, Bromley has lived in Lakeville for five years.

“This is the second year we have participated in the Foster Grandparent program,” Principal Lisa Reichelt said. “We have been very happy with both the ‘grandparents’ we have had. Just yesterday, a first-grade teacher shared the success shown in

Foster Grandparents must be 55 years of age, and must commit to volunteering for 10 or more hours a week, Urbanski said.

A pre-service orientation and training is required, and volunteers also are required to participate in ongoing formal and independent training, he said.

Volunteers and their service sites are matched by location in a variety of ways. “Sometimes a school district hears about Foster Grandparents working in another district, or a principal moves to a different school from a district where they had the program and calls us,” Urbanski said. “Sometimes volunteers hear about us and we approach the school.”

The school sets the schedule for each volunteer.

Staff members from the Senior Corps office meet with each volunteer every month at the site they are serving. Volunteers also are evaluated once a year.

A staff of 15 manages the 900 volunteers serving throughout Minnesota, Urbanski said. About 20 percent of the Foster Grandparents are men.

Minnesota is one of two states that receives additional support for its Foster Grandparents program. The Minnesota Legislature has for 30 years supported the program through the Minnesota Board on Aging, Urbanski said.

Many of the senior volunteers have been with the program for two decades or more, according to Urbanski.

“Grandma Gail just retired in Red Wing at the age of 93, after 33 years with the program,” he said.

“Talk about a second career!”

SUN THISWEEK - Lakeville February 17, 2017 11A

Across Generations February 2017 Issue

Discovering The Mature Lifestyle February 17, 2017

Grandparents rely on faith in helping with grandkids

BY SUE WEBBER CONTRIBUTING WRITER Jean and Pete Allard are both retired from their careers, but they arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t retired from the job of being parents. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We never really quit,â&#x20AC;? Jean said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We have a ministry under our roof.â&#x20AC;?

That description, she said, is their own, adapted from a phrase from a book by Max Lucato, as follows: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Your mission field is under your own roof.â&#x20AC;?

The Chanhassen couple, who have two sons, a daughter and four grandchildren, are especially close to their daughter, a single mother who has two daughters of her own. At one time, their daughter and granddaughters lived with Allards for 18 months.

That required â&#x20AC;&#x153;reconfiguring the bedrooms, and storing our daughterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s possessions,â&#x20AC;?

Pete said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;When our daughter was out of work, we paid expenses here and there and kept them going with the necessities of life.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Our daughter has always been a single parent,â&#x20AC;? Jean said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really a tough row to be a single mom these days; itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not been easy. We were her babysitters. We are helping her to be able to keep going.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been an interesting ride.

We donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take any big, long vacations. You do what you have to do.â&#x20AC;?

The Allardâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s oldest granddaughter, 22, graduated with honors from Iowa State College in December and is living with her grandparents until she finds a job. She stayed

Jean and Pete Allard of Chanhassen maintain close ties with their daughter and granddaughters. (Submitted photo) with them during college breaks, as well. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We do a lot for our 17-yearold granddaughter, who is a junior in high school,â&#x20AC;? Jean said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We go to all her school conferences and open houses, and we pick her up at school.â&#x20AC;?

When their granddaughters were both in high school and living with the Allards Pete said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;We were their school bus. Jean and I shared the duties. You kind of go with the flow. You do a lot of praying and getting ready to put the keys in the car when someone needs a ride.â&#x20AC;?

Once or twice a week, the Allards have their daughter and granddaughters over for dinner. Every Saturday, Jean and her daughter sit down together to review her finances: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s debt-free,â&#x20AC;? Jean said.

Water aerobics at the Chaska Community Center is something Jean enjoys twice a week. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It keeps my head on straight,â&#x20AC;? she said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so important for people with arthritis. It keeps me limber.

And I enjoy the fellowship of the other women.â&#x20AC;?

Her religious faith and involvement at church also help to â&#x20AC;&#x153;keep her head on straight,â&#x20AC;? Jean said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We are good friends with our daughter. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve learned all the things not to say.â&#x20AC;?

Pete agrees. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Our faith means a lot to us, and we lean on that,â&#x20AC;? he said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The good Lord takes care of us. He has a plan for our lives, and we do what we can do. I have good peace of mind about this.â&#x20AC;?

Having grown up as an only child, Pete said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;When you

have children, you kind of fly by the seat of your shorts.

You get through by the grace of God. And then they grow up and you think, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I should have done this, or I should have done that.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; When grandkids come along, you have another opportunity. You see life through different eyes.

You give advice when asked.â&#x20AC;?

The Allards are rewarded with expressions of gratitude from their daughter and granddaughters, according to Jean. â&#x20AC;&#x153;They are so grateful and so expressive about it,â&#x20AC;? she said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;That goes a long way.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;We do have other friends who are helping out with grandkids â&#x20AC;&#x201D; maybe not as extensively â&#x20AC;&#x201D; but definitely making a difference in their grandkidsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; lives,â&#x20AC;? Jean said.

She cites an article called â&#x20AC;&#x153;Grandparents in the Gapâ&#x20AC;?

by Jay Kesler, former president of Taylor University, who spoke at a conference the Allards attended. â&#x20AC;&#x153;While it is spiritual, it certainly addresses whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s happening in our society now and in the past,â&#x20AC;? Jean said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It was an inspiration to me way back in l999.â&#x20AC;? The Allards at one time were in a Koinonia group of six couples, where they supported each other and shared what was going on in their lives.

In her counseling work, Jean led support groups for women, following the 12-step program, â&#x20AC;&#x153;that at the same time helped me in my life.â&#x20AC;?

Jean grew up in St. Louis Park, spent one year at Coe College in Iowa and finished with her liberal arts major at Michigan State. She eventually worked at Kerker & Associates advertising agency in the Twin Cities. When she retired in 2004, she was working as a chemical dependency counselor.

Pete, a native of Connecticut, attended the University of Maine and the University of Bridgeport. A designer, he worked for Franklin Manufacturing in Minneapolis, Westinghouse in Ohio, Cornelius in Anoka and then went into his own design business, Industrial Design Center, for 35 years.

One of their sons is married and lives in Korea. The other, a resident of Chanhassen, has two sons.

More and more, we are becoming a society separated by age. Some call it â&#x20AC;&#x153;Aging Apartheid.â&#x20AC;?

Current housing trends segregate the generations with mixed results Not so long ago or far away, families were a lot more extended.

Multiple generations lived together. Grandma and grandpa were part of the household. Often a few great grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins were also an integral part of the family. All ages accepted each other and mixed and mingled as part of everyday life.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s different now â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and getting â&#x20AC;&#x153;differenterâ&#x20AC;? all the time. Dramatic changes in longevity, life styles, family make-up and economics have led to an explosion of housing optionsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; especially for senior citizens.

Today, many seniors choose to â&#x20AC;&#x153;age in placeâ&#x20AC;? in the old family home with increasing help and support from technology and outside care-giving service providers.

But they can also retire to gated communities. Or live in a variety of independent or assisted living apartments, condos or coops. I even know one senior who live on an actual â&#x20AC;&#x153;Funny Farm.â&#x20AC;?

Increased choices and greater independence for older adults is good. But segregating generations and building walls between age groups is not.

More and more, we are becoming a society separated by age. Some call it â&#x20AC;&#x153;Aging Apartheid.â&#x20AC;?

This housing trend supports vital aging and a more active lifestyle for older adults, but it also separates seniors from

Guest column

... by Bob Ramsey children and youth. Unless older folks have grandchildren, they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know what todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;kidsâ&#x20AC;? are really like. And younger people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know or understand old people. Segregation feeds stereotypes and myths about all ages.

Without regular, realworld contact, seniors begin to accept the widespread negative stereotype of teens and younger people as rude, crude, loud, entitled, shallow, even dangerous.

Building walls between the generations robs older adults of access to the joy, wonder, energy, optimism, passion and idealism of youth, Likewise, without firsthand knowledge, young people are uncomfortable around seniors and internalize the common perception that age is all about loss, decline, and dependence.

They begin to equate age with disease and death; and accept the false notion that older adults cannot be productive, creative, engaged or happy and fun loving.

Like the small boy who spotted my wife and me at a local Dairy Queen and yelled at his dad, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s some really old people

over there. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know old people ate treats!â&#x20AC;?

(Yikes! We were busted.)

British author George Orwell observed, â&#x20AC;&#x153;The child thinks growing old is an almost obscene calamity. . . all who have passed the age of thirty are joyless grotesques, endlessly fussing with things of no importance without having anything to live for.â&#x20AC;? This doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sound like the seniors I know.

Without frequent and natural connections with older adults, youth never benefit from the gifts of experience, wisdom, discernment and perspective that come only with age.

Likewise, they are denied access to many potential heroes, mentors and role models.

Current trends in senior housing appear settled in for a while. Yet the results are mixed.

According to Pam Hoyle, chair of the Vital Aging Network, the challenge for age-segregated communities is to figure out: â&#x20AC;&#x153;How do we educate society to not only the joy of growing older, but also the tremendous value of older adults in our community and in our nation?â&#x20AC;?

Community leaders need to create natural opportunities for regular contact and interaction

among age groups. Life is better when all ages can talk to each other, work together, play together, help each other and team up to help others.

Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what makes a true community; not just a bunch of people of differ-

ent ages living segregated lives in the same town.

I want a community where itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s natural and normal to see strollers and walkers parked together.

What do you want?

Bob R amsey is a lif elong educator, writer and adv ocate for vital aging. He can be contacted at 952-9229558 or by email at joyrammini@comcast.net.

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