a dash of
SPICE |September 2015|
Living to the
MAX
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Photography Cheats
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content: Feature: Living to the max
The Coach
Fashion & Beauty
Food & Drink
Money Mine
Health & Fitness
Seeds of Inspiration Living
Travel
Q&A
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editor’s note: For two years now, I’ve been working on creating more awareness of the struggles women go through when they move to one phase of their lives to another – the transition phase. For some it would be moving from singlehood to marriage, for some it could the end of a long‐ term relationship or perhaps a change of job. Then there are others who become mothers while others watch the empty nest as the now adult children leave home. Whatever the change, there is a whole spectrum of emotions: excitement, anxiety, sadness, joy and sometimes women drift through many different emotions. Early this year I started a blog, A Dash of Spice, where I shared stories of how I managed the different transitions in my life; my struggles, my low days, my awkward moments and also my joyful and carefree days. My hope was for women to understand that their struggles are real and they are not struggling alone. Sometimes it all seems so hopeless and to me “A Dash of Spice” was a metaphor for women to pepper up our lives and to start living fully and to start NOW. Even if you are going through a difficult phase or a challenge, find something to perk you up – just like how a dash of spice can perk up a dish. As I shared my stories, I had more and more women writing to me on my Facebook Blog and my Inbox that they felt that I was telling their story. And sometimes they will share their stories with me and these stories were so inspirational that I wanted to tell them to the world so that – women inspire women. And then the idea struck!! I should start a magazine!! What better way for women to share their journey from one phase to another and to share their talents, interests and hobbies. So a dash of SPICE is a magazine where women inspire women. The woman featured in this first issue is my sister Hervindar, who has had several escapes with death, the most devastating was about 20 years ago. Life has never been the same for her and she still has her struggles but she lives her life with probably a ladleful of spice. So if you have a story you’d like to share and inspire women, we’d like to hear from you. Drop us an email at magazine@oneasiacoach.com and be part of the spicy family. Begin again; Live again; Love again.
Editor, A Dash of Spice
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Hervindar Kaur, 56, lives in Melbourne, Australia with her husband and three children. She has a BA and Graduate Diploma in Psychology and works as a call centre agent for Public Transport Victoria. She loves planning events like weddings and birthdays for family and friends. Her life is filled with spice as she experiments her culinary skills on her uncomplaining husband and kids. Her son, though has moved and lives on his own, comes home every week for his “curry fix”, a testimony to her spicy culinary skills.
living to the max: All of us are survivors. This is a fact. Our very existence is based on survival. If you have made that journey from your mother’s warm cosy womb and exited safely through the narrow birth canal you have survived one of the greatest miracles of Mother Nature, though none of us will ever remember it. Now you may ask if everyone is a survivor, then why am I discussing this. Am I special? I don’t think I’m special but in my existence thus far I have survived quite a few near death experiences. These did not make me special, but they made me grateful for another chance at life and another chance to have a go at life and change the way I lived, or do the things that matter. The story of my first survival feat was told by Mother. Of course I have no recollection of it as it happened while I was an infant. I was a few months old and my mother had left me swaddled on the bed. When she returned later to change me she noticed blood on the white cotton wrap. Worried she looked all over my body and to her horror discovered a bite mark on my foot. She realised that a mouse had bitten my foot and proceeded to clean the wound.
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I survived and lived without incidents until I was a toddler. One day, whilst playing with the neighbour’s cat, I received a nasty scratch from the cat on one of my leg. The tender skin was infected and Mother must have taken me to the doctor for how else could a child have survived a feline attack! The third was I fell into a pail of water while my older brother watched me in amusement. Years later he redeemed himself when he saved me from drowning at sea, my fourth near‐death experience. Big Brother found my limp body on the shore and resuscitated me. Life drifted along at a steady pace. School, work then marriage – pretty much the typical life of a girl born in Singapore in the 60s. I wanted to be a journalist but my Father, the strict Punjabi man, would not hear of it so a secretary I became, working in the shipping and aerospace industries, where I met my future husband and got married in a simple, traditional Punjabi wedding ceremony. Life after the honeymoon was a wedded bliss in spite of the huge adjustments, living with an extended family of four generations!
moving down under: In the meantime I became pregnant and the first grandson of the family was born in April. Soon after, we moved to Australia. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I had only dreamt of living overseas. The magnitude of the decision finally hit me and thousands of anxious thoughts came pounding. But there was only one way to go and that was forward. But the questions continued: What had we done? Was this the right decision? Would we get jobs? When would we buy a house? New questions popped up every day as we struggled to fit in. We moved in winter and the days were getting shorter. I was not used to it being dark at 5.00pm. Time was moving very slowly and sadness began to creep in. I missed the family but I had to cope with this new life. I would ring home but all we did was cry over the phone. They were missing us as well. After the initial struggles, we both got jobs. I worked at a University in the city. The perfect jobs, the perfect house, the not‐so‐perfect car and soon, three kids and a social network of friends. I even took a part‐time degree course and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts and Graduate Diploma in in Psychology. We could even afford to send the kids to private school.
“ And so life continued blissfully for our family. What could go wrong? ”
Hervindar, second from left, with her sisters and her biggest inspiration, her mother Joginder (seated).
tragedy strikes: Then unexpectedly an event occurred that was to transform our blissful life forever. The life‐changing event happened to me but I was unaware of it until weeks later. All I remembered of the event was waking up on a hospital bed. Husband was nearby and came to my bed and quietly asked me not to be alarmed. He gently informed me that I looked different and had undergone a brain surgery. He said that my long hair, which had reached my ankles, had been cut when the surgeon operated and I had staples in my skull. He said I was to stay in bed and not to get out of it without a nurse. I was puzzled but did not feel any pain. I was not distressed and looked forward to meeting any medical personnel that dropped in and happily chatted away. Medicines were given to me and injections in the stomach ‐ that was the worst pain I had to endure each day and did not look forward it. I had a catheter attached to my bladder to collect urine in a bag. I had wires stuck to my arm and neck. I was getting tired of lying on bed and my back was aching. I wanted to stretch and I wanted to go to the toilet. I noticed my bed was wet. Urine must have leaked, my bladder was full and I wanted to go to the toilet badly. Finally, a nurse arrived and I requested her to remove the catheter so I could go to the toilet. Over the next few days, I was allowed to have supervised walks around the ward, which reduced some of my medications and the dreaded injection. There was one bitter medication (potassium) that I disliked. The neurosurgeon said I could come off it if I promised to eat a banana a day. Days of rehabilitation followed and I was a perfect patient.
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tragedy strikes again: Halfway through the rehab I underwent an MRI scan, which miraculously detected three aneurysms on the other side of my brain ‐ another brain surgery! I was worried about the second surgery. The first surgery was successful and I wasn’t aware of it.
“Now, I had to make a decision, which could have an unknown outcome.
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I did not want to lose my faculties or become physically disabled but I also knew that I was a walking time bomb. I finally agreed to go ahead with the surgery and left my fate in the skillful hands of my neurosurgeon. I also prayed to God to take care of me before going into the surgery. Thankfully, the surgery was a success. The second set of rehabilitation commenced and after a couple of weeks I was discharged and was to continue outpatient rehab.
“I was not looking forward to going home. ” I had been happy at the hospital. It felt like a holiday. I had no chores to do except eat, bathe, exercise, rest and receive flowers from my visitors.
“For the first time someone was looking after me and I was enjoying the attention.
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Now all this would be over and I had to go back to my mundane life. I never thought I would dread the day I would have to go home.
Hervindar met another of her inspiration, Fauja Singh, who at age 104‐years still runs marathons.
Husband drove me home. It was a beautiful spring day and the flowers were colourful and bright in the sunshine. We sat silently each in their own thoughts. I had mixed feelings ‐ sadness, happiness and anxiety all at the same time. Home looked different. Mother, Father and Second Sister had flown in when they heard about the surgery. They all had happy‐glum faces I could not understand. The children were excited. Son, who was 10 years old, understood and was apprehensive about the situation. The girls were still young and did not understand. I was tired and went to my bed to rest. The brain had too much information to cope with. Tomorrow I would assess and deal with the situation.
home was no longer home: Home was no longer home. Something had changed. I no longer had the desire and urgency to do things. I would sit around looking at the clock thinking there was plenty of time left to do things. I tried reading but it took longer to absorb and understand information. I would set out to do a task and would forget what I had to do. I noticed I could not complete a story if someone interrupted me mid‐sentence. I could remember what happened in the distant past but not what I did a short while ago. I talked a lot more but everyone always listened. I was a quiet person before but now could not stop talking and I did not realise this was abnormal. I thought people were rather sad looking and wondered why they could not be happier. I was always happy. In fact it was difficult for me to be sad. I had no inhibitions and would flirt with anyone I fancied. No one told me I was behaving inappropriately; no one corrected me. I had visitors regularly. They would all have the same expressions and advice. I was getting tired of them.
starting over: I had medical bills to attend to which was a monumental task. Some friends came over to help Mother with domestic chores. I had friends and family who offered to take me to my numerous medical appointments. I could not drive and that was frustrating as I was dependent on others. I could not help Son with his homework. I was always tired and could not do domestic chores efficiently. The standard of cleaning dropped and soon the house was starting to look messy. Husband and I visited a neuropsychologist who advised that what I was currently experiencing was a Frontal Lobe Syndrome. This part of the brain controlled the emotions, motivation and memory. The surgery had impacted these functions of the brain and it would be many months or years before I would regain some of the skills I had lost. Now that there was a label I could understand what I was going through. I still wanted to know more and there was support I could go to and talk to others who had undergone similar procedures. But I was not allowed to drive and I did not want to trouble Husband or anyone to drive me around. So I accepted my fate and limitations. I also discovered a new me who was happier and outgoing. I developed a unique fashion sense. I wore hats to cover the scars. My short hair did not bother me as I was in vogue. I was in good company ‐ Elizabeth Taylor had also undergone brain surgery and GI Jane was showing in the cinemas. Soon my hair began to grow. I had gorgeous black curls and everyone asked who my hairdresser was. They were shocked when I told them it was the work of my neurosurgeon.
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I met new people and made new friends who found my lack of inhibitions quite rebellious and refreshing. By the same token, I lost a few friends who could not cope with the new me. I could see that it was going to be a long road to recovery and getting my brain to re‐wire and heal. I was determined to go back to normality and went back to my job after about six months.
It was only for a few hours three times a week but the travel on public transport wore me out before I got to work. I could no longer perform the duties of my old job. Although I was paid full wages and the work was modified, the demands were too much for me to handle and I quit. I stayed home, depending on my disability insurance. I started cooking for the family again and slowly developed my skills in this area. I also learnt to get back behind the wheel and was soon able to drive to my own appointments. I did the school run and shopping. Soon I was able to take them to sporting and social activities. Slowly, I was able to help the children with their homework. I was also starting to understand facial cues. I was able to read and understand people's expressions. I could now see when they were bored or just politely listening. I became active again in community work and started developing my skills at organising events. I felt I was being useful again and an asset to society.
struggles and perseverance: On the home front, the situation was not improving. Tried as I did I could not get on top of my cleaning and the mess piled up. Both physically and mentally I was tired. This made me less active and I soon started putting on weight. I did not have the skill for losing weight, as I never gained weight except during pregnancies, which came off naturally after sometime. These are still my struggles.
living to the max: My journey to recovery had only begun and I was determined to get over this hurdle and conquer any obstacles that came my way. The brain injury has given me a new lease on life and I would do whatever it is within my power to live it fully. I finally recognise that brain injury is a hidden disability and that it is going to take me longer to digest information but so be it. As long as I am doing something useful and honest it does not matter what work I did.
“I discovered a new me who was happier
“I’ve so far tried to be a good wife, a
and outgoing and I lost a few friends who could not cope with the new me.
better mother and the best citizen a country could ask for.
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the coach: Me first, then family, then the world
To some this may sound selfish. Me first?? Surely, Coach Rachpal can’t be serious asking me to put myself first? What about my kids, my husband, my parents, my work or my friends? Let me tell you how this mantra came about. Since 2006, when I first started coaching, women came to me with different stories but the same plot: there was a problem, usually involving someone, and as they tried to help the other person, their own needs were pushed back. Sometime it was a child’s, the husband’s, the parents’ or the boss’ needs – it was always others first, then self.
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Most of the women I saw in my practice had a similar flow to their story. The ending was the same.
“The ending was the same – feeling unfulfilled, own needs not met, sad, confused and often worn out from taking care of others’ needs.” I was no different from these women; I could relate to them. Like them, when I felt I had given more than I was receiving, I would feel frustrated and then my relationships suffered and my work suffered. One day I decided that this must change. I decided to experiment putting ME FIRST and test if the world would collapse! And no, it didn’t. It was a belief that had been so deeply enmeshed that women forget that looking after the self is crucial
before one can look after others. When you are sad and frustrated, there is absolutely no way that you can give your love, care and concern to others without feeling a tinge of resentment. So no, it is not selfish to put yourself first. You are doing everyone else a favour when you don’t hold them accountable for your misery.
Rachpal has designed an online coaching programme for women in transition. For a FREE CONSULTATION, write to her at more@oneasiacoach.com or visit her website at www.oneasiacoach.com
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spice up your life
interests/hobbies: I had always thought that photography was a man’s domain. Have you ever seen a serious photographer with all the gadgets? It seems like such a complex process: the different lenses, the tripod, changing and focusing the lenses and then there is the intent gazing through the camera leans for that one shot. Everything changed when I started writing my blogs. Armed with just my mobile phone, I was determined to be self‐reliant and I happily clicked away at everything that caught me fancy. I’d seen so many female bloggers in action; everyone one of them had absolutely stunning pictures just using their mobile phones and I copied them. My photos may not be the state‐of‐ the‐art quality, but enough to bring me satisfaction to connect with my readers. So here are my 3‐cheats to creating good pictures using just a mobile phone and common items fund in your home.
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I picked up the rubber pod and the flame‐of‐the forest seeds while on my outdoor walk. I came home and placed it on a shiny, bronze coloured craft paper and played around with my study light to get this picture.
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Photography Cheats
2 Walls provide good backdrop especially if you have different coloured walls. Dark coloured surfaces are also good when you want to show the contrast of colours. For me, my go to black surface is the top of my wine fridge.
Look around your house for coloured craft paper, placemats, table cloths or even bedsheets. These make excellent bases for showcasing your products or small items.
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glitter and glam
fashion/beauty:
Use a small hair slide to pin hair up on one side, to give your face a sassy look.
10-Minute Quick Fix
Put your hair up in a twist and away from your face to get a fresher look.
The most dreaded and common problem many women face is bloating. You wake up one morning and you panic, because you cannot see your toes! The fitted skirt or dress that looked perfect last week is now clinging to every curve in that mid‐section. The only choice is that loose dress or top BUT you don’t want to look frumpy. So here’s my quick‐fix which takes only 10 minutes or even less. All you need is some basic make‐up and some signature accessories.
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These are my life savers and they go are the MUST when I’m travelling. My favourite is the BB‐cream from Bobbi Brown. I was absolutely blown away when I first applied it a year‐and half ago and my spots just vanished. Best of all, I didn’t feel or look like I had slathered tons of make‐up on my face. Then just some face‐powder, some bronzer on my cheekbone, some blusher and black eyeliner to brighten up the eyes. A little trick I use is I keep a bronze eye pencil handy, as it doubles up as an eye‐shadow when I am in a rush. A dark lipstick and a nude shade, if you want to tone it down.
I always look out for off‐season sales as that’s when you get the best bargains. Buy one or two classic pieces that will make your outfits stand‐out and will not go out of style for years. My favourites are chunky pendants with antique gold look. These go perfectly with simple earrings as you don’t want to look all decked up like a Christmas tree.
My hair staples ‐ a crab‐claw clip, a rubber band (hair ties) and some hair‐ slides (bobby pins). These are life savers when your hair is as frizzy as mine and you need to tame it on a humid day. I usually put a few slides and black rubber band in my handbag just in case I started the day with my hair down and midway I have a frizz‐attack!
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spice, dice and splash
food and drink: spicy prawn aglio olio & a splash of sangria
Spicy Prawn Aglio Olio Ingredients: 200g of prawns (shelled) 5 small chilli padi 10 cloves of garlic 200g of angel hair pasta Salt to taste 50 g butter 5 tablespoons cooking oil 2 tablespoons olive oil Method: Cook the angel hair pasta for about 8 minutes and then drain. Run it under cold water to avoid pasta overcooking and sticking together. Pour 1 tablespoon olive oil and give a quick stir and set aside for later.
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Sangria
Chop the garlic & chillies. Heat the oil and butter in a frying pan and add in the chopped garlic. When garlic turns light golden brown, add in the prawns and chopped chillies and salt to taste. Toss and cook for about 4 to 5 minutes till the prawns are cooked. Add the pasta to the ingredients in the frying pan and toss till the pasta is well mixed. Turn off the heat and pour remaining olive oil over the pasta and toss to mix well. Voila ‐ dinner is served!
Ingredients: 250 ml red wine ½ medium size orange ½ red apple 2 inches cinnamon stick 2 tablespoons sweet dessert wine Method: Dice the apple and orange into 1 cm cubes. Pour the red wine into a pot and simmer on low heat. Add the cinnamon stick and the diced apple and orange. Bring to gentle boil for 3 minutes and then take off the heat and allow to cool. Add the dessert wine and serve it chilled.
common cents
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money mine:
All Time Suze Orman Favourite TIP I’m obsessed with saving money that it drives my husband insane. Every Saturday afternoon I’ll switch on the television and watch the Suze Orman show. I would pause the show as I took notes, I would rewind it if I thought I missed something. She was and still is my money guru even though she no longer hosts the Suze Orman Show. Okay, so you get it that I’m a real big fan, right? So here is one money tip I learned from the show some seven years back. It is MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE TIP! At the end of the day, clear your purse of all the $5 notes and 50 cents and one‐dollar coins and put them into a savings jar. Do this for a whole year and count your savings at the end of the year. One year I had saved $1200, which was enough to buy me a return ticket to visit my sisters in America! I cannot tell you the excitement I feel the days leading up to the countdown. Like a little girl, I’ll put the coins in neat piles and when I’m done, I run to the bank and deposit it. Oh, I forgot to mention, of course I take 10% of it to buy myself a treat!
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live life to the fullest
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health and fitness: Light weights – 1 kg dumbbells and ankle‐weights
Long and short elastic bands to stretch your arms, shoulder and back muscles.
Quickie Workout from Home A common complaint of almost every woman – NO TIME TO WORKOUT! I hear you and I know exactly how you feel. These are some small and handy workout tools that I keep at home to do a quick workout on those busy days.
3 QUICKIE TIPS:
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Wear the ankle weights as you do the housework . Do your leg, shoulder and neck stretched while in bed. It will take only 5 minutes. Have easy access to the tools so you don’t have to move mountains to get them. Mine are in a box, under my couch.
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where women inspire women
seeds of inspiration:
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living simply to simply live
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living:
Once again, if you are a busy woman and hate clutter but at the same time, you want your home to have that nice homey feeling, you can try some of my living tricks. I like to have nice things around the house but hate dusting any displays that serve only one function. So I like to mix the aesthetics with functionality. What I have done here is to place the glass jewel box I was given as a gift and another glass bowl (meant for storing candies) on the display cabinet where I have all my family pictures. I put some of the common accessories I use daily so it is convenient for me to put on and remove them while adding a personal touch of me to the home. Don’t hide your beautiful jewellery boxes and accessories in the drawers. Show them off!
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the spicy route
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travel: Perhaps it’s that I live on a tiny, densely populated island with almost 5 million people and that we live and work in high‐rise buildings that the soonest I have a few days break, I’m off on a plane or a boat. Armed with my passport, my make‐up basics, a few items of clothing and comfy shoes I’ll seek respite in lands that are a contrast to the busy life that lead. I go to places where time is so slow that sometimes I don’t know what to do (and that’s where a good book comes to my rescue). And the best holidays are those where I plan little and just take it one day at a time. My most recent trip was a 2‐hour ferry ride to Tanjong Pinang, Indonesia. A laid back island, simple life and little to do but just enjoy the long drives to the mountain and the sea. A 10 minute boat ride from the main island takes you to Pulau Penyengat, which is the origin of the Malay language and culture. Funnily, a little known fact. Friendly people who seemed so content even though they have no running water to their homes; a trip that was to be an hour turned to a 3‐hour trip. Penyengat your beauty and charm has no words. You are the epitome of what I desire, living simply to simply live.
The simple life. Boys returning home after drawing water from the well. A man playing with his child outside his home. Helping everyone get off the wooden boat.
Houses on stilts and the wooden boat to get to the island.
The motorised trishaws are the only vehicles on the island.
Fresh fish on the old‐style charcoal grill.
Pulau Penyengat 17
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in the hot seed
Q & A: Q
This is a common question I get asked all the time and so I thought I would address this question in this first issue. Many times women come up to me saying that they are bored with their jobs or that they are dissatisfied at work and want to resign. Most have already made up their mind to quit even though they don’t have an alternative plan put in place. So they ask me if they should quit and then start working on the plan, whether it is to look for a new job or start their business?
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NO!NO!NO! You DO NOT quit your job when you have nothing else worked out yet! If you are certain that the job is no longer what you want to do or that the workplace is really making you miserable, you need to work out a PLAN. Spend 30 minutes everyday working out a plan of what you want:
What kind of work do you want to do? Or if it is a business, what kind of business do you want to start? What additional or new skills do you need to acquire? How much finances would you need? How will you reach out to the stakeholders be it potential employers or business partners? Remember that the job you have still gives you income to pay your bills and for your other needs. That’s one less thing you have to worry about so you can really focus on your plans.
If you have a question on a life or work transition, write to us at magazine@oneasiacoach.com and we will feature your questions and reply on this page.
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‌I specialise in Transitional Transformation Coaching for women in transition; to smoothen the transition period, to give clarity and equip you with skills to move effortlessly to the next phase. My coaching philosophy is to take you from being a blunt tool to the sharpest tool in the shed‌ Rachpal Kaur Tulsi
+ Reigniting Personal Belief; Reclaiming Personal Power Rachpal Kaur Tulsi Consultant/Coach www.oneasiacoach.com
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