5 minute read
Real Talk: Transitions
By D. Christine Winicki, MHA Outreach Coordinator, The Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinic at VVSD, San Diego
www.vvsd.net/cohenclinics
Transitions
When John Lennon sang, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,” he could have been referring to military servicemembers and their families.
Military service is a life that changes quickly, often from one transition to another: entering service, deployment, permanent change of station orders, and the BIG one…leaving service, whether it is after four years, 14 years or 30 years.
As a bride of four days, my husband and I arrived in Twentynine Palms, California and moved into our lovely cinder block house at the bottom of a rocky, dusty mountain. The next day, he arrived home from work and announced that “a Middle East country invaded another one.” He was not sure which countries were involved. Two weeks later, our state of newlywed bliss was shattered as I wept and watched him board a bus at 0300, bound for a flight that would take him halfway around the world from me, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. It was so painful and so frightening. Once I finally stopped crying for a moment, I asked over and over again, “How would I cope?”
At first, I did not cope. I was depressed and dysfunctional, barely making it to work. My skin erupted in acne, and I lost weight. After a few weeks, I realized that I needed to pivot and build a life. But how could I start? Friends, family, and the community offered some answers:
• Volunteering my service. I spent time at the Navy and Marine Corps Relief Society. I learned much needed budgeting skills and planned to reduce the debt incurred before I married. • Meeting other spouses. I made some banana bread and knocked on my neighbor’s door. This bold move allowed me to meet a lifetime friend. Slowly, we added others and went on walks together and gathered for meals. • Joining a support group. A local church started a group, and these lovely people shared my struggle.
Then came the next transition…homecoming. When my husband came home, tired, and thin, we had to start all over. It took time and 11:00 p.m. arguments about things I don’t remember, but we stuck with it…only to move again.
In a few months after coming back, we received orders to South Carolina, all the way on the other side of the country. Here, I found it took nothing short of hard work, perseverance, faith and love…and a wonderful therapist. My husband and I learned the delicate dance of developing our own confidence and independence while at the same time leaning on each other, even as we were far from family and familiar surroundings. The words of the therapist still ring in my ears today, “remember why you love him and why you married him.” With these wise words, we planned our next adventure, and prioritized having fun at the same time with whirlwind visits to the majesty of the Grand Canyon, the surreal sights of Carlsbad Caverns, the cool vibes of Austin, Texas, and iconic food and jazz of New Orleans.
Here is my best advice for Permanent Change of Station (PCS) moves:
• Use tried and true checklists to keep track of the
details. Military One Source provides an excellent set of tools: www.militaryonesource.mil/moving-housing/ moving/pcs-and-military-moves • Make moving fun. Build adventure into your move and plan to experience the beauty of our world, nation, and nature. Try to take at least a few days to spend time enjoying the trip to a new duty station. • Be patient and creative. We learned to love picnics on top of moving boxes and the thrill of finding the best taco shop in our new hometown.
The final transition is truly the most difficult – end of active service (EAS) or retirement. By this time, four children’s voices echoed in our halls and financial stressors of home ownership loomed large.
My spouse was the poster child of a “hot mess express” as he juggled the huge job as executive officer for a 1,400-person battalion and tried to find a job outside of the military. Waves of self-doubt, discouragement, anxiety, and fear washed over our home daily. Yes, he found a terrific job that fit his skills perfectly, but the process was extremely rough.
A U.S. Navy spouse wisely shared with me that she recommends attending couples counseling to help the service member manage the fear and for the spouse to learn patience and coping tools. This support helps both to understand the irrational words and uncharacteristic behavior. If the service member is not able to accept counseling, then she encourages spouses to attend counseling to learn self-care techniques and how to coach the service member through this loss of identity and help them to refocus on new opportunities.
I saw another post on Instagram that advises post military members to be bold and to choose the path that brings passion and fulfillment – try something completely new. It is critical for spouses and other supporters to constantly encourage and remind the transitioning member that they are worthy and equal to civilian peers. For example, another peer, who served for 26 years as a Naval Aviator and followed a post-military career path in sports, education, and coaching. A short stint as an “Ice Technician” driving the Zamboni for a professional hockey team connected him to the San Diego sports industry. Today, he is the military Community Outreach Manager for the San Diego Loyal Soccer Club.
Transitions are a part of life. Believe it or not, once you develop coping mechanisms like those discussed, you may even start to enjoy them and find something really important: that couples can function as an effective team. Don’t be afraid to try. Start early and develop the habits of finding the “helping people” in your area, sharing your talents in volunteer service and plugging into wellness and emotional support providers. While it takes flexibility and patience, the Beatles remind us, “no matter how you toss the dice, it had to be…so happy together!”
Cohen Clinics provide therapy to post-9/11 veterans, service members, and their families, including National Guard / Reserves. CVN Telehealth, face-to-face video therapy available statewide.
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