Real Talk: Month of the Military Child

Real Talk: Mental Health

By Giselle Vallejo, MA, LPCC, The Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinic at VVSD

www.vvsd.net/cohenclinics

Celebrating the Month of the Military Child

As we go into the month of April, let us take some time to recognize and celebrate the many strengths of a military child. A military child will sometimes, if not often, experience a permanent change of station (PCS) and move out of state or even across the world! With that comes starting a new school, making new friends, adjusting to a new culture, and having to leave friends and family behind. In addition, they may also experience being away from one or both caregivers (if both are serving in the military) due to assignments or deployments. All these changes can be extremely difficult for adults, let alone children.

Although changes like these can be exciting, for some it can cause distress. Having increased awareness of how children typically express challenges can help us be more supportive. We often see children either shut down, keep to themselves more often, or become more concerned with trivial things. In other cases, they may experience an increase in anger outbursts, or we may see a shift in their grades and schoolwork. While this is a general list of some common changes, it is important to keep in mind that not all children’s behaviors will be expressed in these ways.

So, what are some ways that caregivers and others in their community can help support military children as they adjust to their new environments and changes?

Communicate:

- Praise the things they are doing well.

It can be difficult sometimes to recognize successes amid managing multiple responsibilities. Being able to praise children for those smaller successes can go a long way. It not only reinforces those positive behaviors but also lets them know that you are paying attention. For example, “Thank you for picking up your plate after dinner” or “You did such an amazing job at completing your homework all on you own!” You are letting them know that even though you have also been very busy, you are grateful for their ability to adapt and be flexible. - Validate how difficult change can be.

When your structure becomes unstructured, even for a second, those changes are difficult, and people can often feel alone. Therefore, when someone recognizes your challenges and validates your emotions, it feels pretty good. It is as if they are saying, “What you are feeling is okay to feel”. Military children learn to become flexible, adapt to changes well, and are extremely strong. Let them know it is okay to feel upset, angry, or sad.

- Name your emotions and model healthy coping strategies.

Being able to name your emotions in front of a child can really help them put a name to theirs. Even if you have not experienced a PCS or deployment, as the child’s teacher for example, you can express your frustration when something does not go your way during a lecture

and model appropriate ways to verbalize and cope with it. The same goes for the caregivers. Maybe dinner got slightly burnt and that was the cherry on top of having to deal with all the other tasks throughout the day. Practice breathing techniques, go for a walk with the family, or take five minutes to yourself to cool down. Modeling positive coping techniques can not only help you but also your family.

- Write letters to service members who are away.

When those phone calls or video calls are difficult to schedule, scheduling a time at home when the family writes letters to the service members can be a nice alternative. This helps children express and communicate their current feelings while also maintaining a sense of connection. When the child is not old enough to write, they can draw a picture to express what they would like to say instead. These letters can be shared amongst each other during this time, or they can be kept private. Providing them with the option to choose can give them the opportunity to share their feelings with the rest of the family.

Provide structure, stability, and a sense of security:

- Schedule family activities.

Sometimes service members’ work schedules can be challenging and inconsistent in comparison to civilian workers. Their work hours are constantly changing, and they may often work very long hours. Scheduling family events can provide stability and structure for military children. For example, maintaining a consistent dinner time (when possible) or scheduling family game nights in efforts to include all family members. While difficult schedules and deployments interfere with these attempts, continuing these events with the family at home can help children have stability and structure.

- Provide them with options.

Providing children with options can help create a sense of control and security. For some children, not having control can feel unstable. Children, just like adults, want to have some control in their daily activities. For example, how to wear their hair or choosing what they would like to wear. Providing options and control can be especially helpful in situations where they often have no control, like moving to a different city. One way to provide options in a situation such as a big move, can be allowing them to choose how they want to decorate their room. When that is not a feasible option, another approach can be to allow them to choose what they would like to have for dinner once a week. When their choices are endless it can be overwhelming. Instead, you can provide two options which can be less stressful. For example, letting them choose between pizza or spaghetti. We all adjust to changes to the beat of our own drum. And we also express ourselves differently too! Being patient and providing some compassion during the phases of adjustment can be extremely helpful. Some children adjust very quickly while others may have more difficulty. Remember to praise their successes, model how to name emotions when possible, and validate! If the pandemic taught us anything it is that normalizing and sharing our similarities can unite us. It reminds us that we are not alone!

How can we help celebrate these resilient children?

- Wear purple during Purple Up Day (April 19th) to visibly show support and thank them for their strengths and sacrifices.

- If you are feeling concerned, confused, overwhelmed, or are unsure how to navigate these changes, The Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinic at VVSD is here to help! Our therapists are experienced and knowledgeable with the many hurdles’ military families experience. They are there to help you and your child gain a better understanding of how to identify and implement the coping strategies you need. Remember that you are not alone! Let us help you strengthen your abilities.

Giselle Vallejo is a bilingual clinician at the Cohen Clinic at VVSD. As a clinician she implements a traumainformed and person-centered approach when working with clients. Giselle believes every person has their own unique experience and has a strong passion for working with people who have intergenerational and complex trauma. For more information about the Cohen Clinic at VVSD, visit www.vvsd.net/cohenclinics