Frequently asked questions about EMPATHY
Following t he series of art icles on LIST ENING WIT H EMPAT HY, I have received some quest ions whose answers I t hink are usef ul t o readers of DOR ACADEMY. I present t he most int erest ing quest ions and t he answers provided.
What attitude do I need to have to listen to someone with empathy? An empat het ic at t it ude: - Is generous and pat ient ; - It suspends crit ical judgment and looks f or t he best in people; - It values t hem even knowing t heir f ailings; - It looks f or a f avorable int erpret at ion of what t hey say and do, one t hey would f eel proud t o admit t o, rat her t han a negat ive one; - It assumes t hey mean well; - It t ries t o discover how t hey see t hings and what mat t ers t o t hem, not in order t o agree or disagree but in order t o learn, appreciat e and respect ; - It reassures t hem t hat what ever t heir concern is, and however t hey express it , it deserves respect . When you offer this kind of attention people feel they can trust you and find relief in taking you into their confidence.
Which comes first, the skill or the attitude?
But do you need t o have a perf ect at t it ude bef ore you begin t o pract ice t he skill t o list en wit h empat hy? Pract icing t he skill will t rain you t o see people in a dif f erent way, because t he more you underst and, t he more you appreciat e and t he less you judge.
What effect does my listening with empathy have on the person I am listening to? T he acid t est of your list ening is it s immediat e ef f ect on t he person you are list ening t o – how underst ood do t hey f eel? If you f ail t his t est you are unlikely t o win t heir t rust and cooperat ion even if you privat ely underst and everyt hing t hey say. T here are t wo ways of knowing how underst ood do t hey f eel: • The experience of being well understood is so satisfying, relieving, unusual and surprising that people often respond spontaneously by saying, “Exactly!” (or words to that effect). If you get this kind of response you know you are doing a good job. • You can ask, “How understood have I made you feel on a scale from 0–10?” The answer, though subjective, is both easy to give and reliable. You can then judge your listening for yourself by the score you get on this scale. A score of 8 or above says you are doing okay. 7 or below says they would like it better if you paid more attention.
How accurate do I have to be when reflecting back people’s feelings?
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