Who we think we are We all have roles t o play in our lives and t hese change as we move t hrough it . In a previous art icle we considered t he dif f erent lif e st ages t hat we can go t hrough and as well as each having t heir own priorit ies t hey may also demand us t o play new roles. We all st art as a son or daught er, maybe t hen add t o t hat t he role of sist er or brot her, t hen f riend, pupil, t eam-mat e, st udent , girlf riend or boyf riend, candidat e, employee, colleague, part ner, husband or wif e, manager, f at her or mot her, aunt or uncle, godparent , grandparent …t he list goes on! Just reading t hat list may have conjured up some images in your mind of what each of t hose means t o you. You will have some kind of percept ion of each of t hem, how t o behave or not t o behave in t hat role. Relaxing wit h old school f riends over a f ew chat t ers will suggest a dif f erent way t o behave t han if you were wit h your boss or your young niece or nephew.
“All t he world’s a st age, and all t he men and women merely players; t hey have t heir exit s and t heir ent rances, and one man in his t ime plays many part s.” William Shakespeare, As You Like It. A role, according t o t he dict ionary, is what you are expect ed t o do, or your f unct ion. As t he Shakespeare quot e above suggest s, all t he players have t heir assigned role wit h prescribed direct ions which are set out in a script . T he act ions t hey t ake are t he ones t hat t he ot her players expect t hem t o t ake, t hey have t o st ay in role in order t o relat e t o t he ot her players who are also in role. And over t ime each person will have many roles or part s t o play. Consider a t ypical week of a f at her who works. He wakes up as t he husband next t o his wif e, he get s up and wakes up his children in t he role of f at her. He has breakf ast as f at her and husband and t hen walks t o t he st at ion or his car and perf orms t he role of commut er. An hour lat er, he is perf orming t he role of employee, or manager, or engineer, or account ant , or what ever. In t he evening he again pract ises his role as a commut er and during t he journey get s out of his role as employee, just in t ime t o ret urn home as f at her and husband.
t o ret urn home as f at her and husband. T he weekend will usually be much more f at her and husband and less employee. Meet ing up wit h t he wider f amily f or Sunday lunch f or example will put him int o a dif f erent set of roles, perhaps uncle or nephew – or son once again. Playing roles is necessary in order f or societ y t o operat e smoot hly – everyone has “t heir exit s and t heir ent rances”. T he role is about one’s f unct ion in t hat relat ionship and having it def ined wit hin a broad area of agreement provides some securit y f or each person ent ering int o t hat relat ionship. A feeling of certainty as to what to expect. An unspoken but yet agreed way of operat ing which enables t he int eract ion bet ween t he part ies t o be more ef f icient and skip many of t he st eps ot herwise needed t o build up a relat ionship.
Role conflict One of t he challenges wit h having mult iple roles is t hat t here is no reason why t hese should all be compat ible. Indeed it is unlikely t hat t hey will all be. For example t o succeed in t he role of mot her you need t o spend qualit y t ime wit h your children. Yet t o succeed in t he role of employee you need t o be at work, showing
commit ment t o t hat role t oo.
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If we are const ant ly playing roles, we are always doing what we are expect ed t o do – whet her t hat is what ot hers expect of us, or what we expect of ourselves, according t o t he label on t he role t hat we are playing at t hat t ime. By definition these roles cannot be the true us. So if you were t o spend your lif e playing roles, as most of us do, when do we get t he opport unit y t o be ourselves? When does t he act or get t o put aside t he script , t ake of f all t he grease paint and be t hemselves?
Our identity It is very easy when juggling mult iple roles, or int ensely living one role f or a t ime, f or t hese roles t o become our ident it y. We ident if y wit h a role so much t hat it f eels like it is us. If t he act or never get s t o t ake of t he grease paint t hen he will inevit ably lose t ouch wit h himself and ident if y more and more wit h t he role. Roles require us t o be only a part of ourselves and t hey may require us t o be somet hing t hat we are not . T he more we do t hings, t he more t hey become a habit and t he more t hat we t hink in t he same way, t he more t hese pat t erns of t hought and behaviour become our ident it y. The roles that we play can give us strength and self-confidence. For example if you play a t echnical or prof essional role at work, you may f ind t hat you derive a great deal of sat isf act ion f rom t hat role. People come t o you f or advice and guidance, t hey list en t o what you say, you’re t he expert , and you are needed. Your f eelings about yourself , your self -conf idence can come f rom t hat role and not f rom yourself .
When our ident it y is derived f rom t hese ext ernal roles, our t rue ident it y get s f orgot t en and we believe t he lie t hat we are our roles. If we get used t o wearing a mask of one t ype or anot her, int eract ing in a saf e, predict able way wit h ot hers, we can f eel secure and more cert ain about our lif e. T he more t hat we depend on t he masks and t he saf er t hat we f eel as a result of wearing t hem, t he great er t he risk and uncert aint y we f eel of t aking of f our mask and interacting openly, honestly and authentically.
Feeling lost When we ident if y wit h an ext ernal role, our ident it y is t aken out of our hands. Our ident it y exist s only as long as t he role exist s. So if it is a job role f or example, an unexpect ed redundancy comes as a huge shock. It is not just t he pract ical dif f icult y of f inding a new job, it is a loss of a sense of self , a loss of a range of comf ort ing f eelings such as self -conf idence, purpose and st at us. T his sense of f eeling lost can occur wit h t he end of a variet y of roles – when children leave home, a relat ionship break-up or divorce, a redundancy or ret irement . All of t hese can f eel like a loss of ident it y when t he roles made up such a large part of lif e and of our ident it y.
Personality and ego What we describe as our personalit y is probably t aken as a given by most of us, it is what – or who – we t hink we are.
Psychologist s have described it as t he Ego (meaning “I”) – it is our sense of self . However t he more one t ries t o examine what personalit y really is, t he more it seems t o elude us. For example you can hear t he conf usion in people’s language – “she has a nice personalit y” – which must mean t hat she and t he personalit y are dif f erent . However if t he personalit y is our sense of ident it y, but is not us, t hen who are we? Our personalit y is part ly nat ure and part ly nurt ure, it is part ly a given f rom our DNA and part ly developed f rom our experience of t he world, which st art s as early as t he f ourt h mont h of our exist ence whilst st ill in t he womb. T he part of our personalit y t hat evolves during our lif e does so because it is of use t o us. T he brain comes wit h lit t le or no hard-wired t emplat es about how t hings should be and so it has t o learn t hrough experience, t hrough relat ionships wit h t hose around us and f rom t he f eedback we receive. Our personality can then become a given or continue to evolve. It seems reasonable t o assume t hat once we have been in cont act wit h most of t he sit uat ions t hat we will experience in lif e t han we have got a reliable rulebook t o f ollow. It worked last t ime and so it should work t his t ime.
For example I relat ed well t o my parent s – my early aut horit y f igures – in t his way and so I will relat e t o all aut horit y f igures in t his way. However t he aut horit y f igures, such as an employer or policeman may not respond like t he parent s did – t here is no reason why t hey should – and so t he rulebook eit her needs t o be updat ed or lif e become st ressf ul, puzzling and pot ent ially self -dest ruct ive. Our personalit y is like a piece of armour which is at t he same t ime our great est shield and also pot ent ially our great est prison. It enables us t o deal wit h t he out side world, but it can also insulat e us f rom it – and f rom ot her people.
T he process of increasing our personal awareness helps us t o see our personalit y f or what it is and t o enable us t o choose t o updat e t he rule book.
Internal identity Pract ically speaking we have t o play roles t o operat e ef f ect ively in societ y, but t hese can dominat e our sense of ident it y and we can end up f eeling lost when t hey end. The solution is to find a way of playing the roles without them becoming our identity. We need t o f ind an int ernal source f or our ident it y, not an ext ernal one. When we have f ound an int ernal source f or our ident it y we can pick up roles and play t hem wit h conf idence, knowing t hat t hey are not us, just a role we play and t hat when we st ep out of role we come home back t o ourselves, we do not f eel lost . Get t ing back in t ouch wit h who and what you really are – f inding yourself – opens up t he possibilit y t o play roles and move in and out of t hem wit h f reedom when you like.
Conclusion We all perf orm roles in lif e, yet we are not our roles and if we ident if y t oo closely wit h t hem we may f eel saf e – but only t emporarily. We are also not our personalit y, which has in large part been f orged as a result of t he experiences of surviving and prot ect ing ourselves in t he real world. Get t ing back in t ouch wit h who you really are is about becoming aware of t he rules in t he rule book t hat you have acquired during your lif e – and ident if ying t he ones t hat do not f it t he real you. T his journey has t o st art wit h self -awareness, which we will look at in a f ut ure art icle.
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