The assertive way to be and speak
We def ine assertiveness as behaving in such a way t hat people know unambiguously where you st and. Your assert iveness makes it easy f or t hem t o t ake you seriously, because wit hout t hreat ening them you are being t ransparent ly honest and clear about your own f eelings and needs. T he word is of t en conf used wit h aggression. But aggression is quit e dif f erent in t wo respect s. First , it is not t ransparent ly honest – of course it is driven by f eelings but it does not openly admit t hem. Second, it is t hreat ening, and t heref ore it put s people on t he def ensive. Assert iveness is part of t he 2 spect acular keys f or a healt hy relat ionship t hat we have present ed in t he series: „list ening wit h empat hy” and „speaking wit h assert iveness”. T he key t o being assert ive is giving yourself permission t o admit your f eelings. If you t ry t o keep t he lid on f eelings such as anger, worry, suspicion or f rust rat ion, t hey are likely t o build up a head of st eam and explode or leak out in t he f orm of aggression. Admit t ing t hem, bringing t hem int o t he conversat ion, is a saf et y valve, a saf e way of let t ing of f st eam, prevent ing such explosions and leaks, keeping you calm and rat ional. T his is a mirror-image of list ening wit h empat hy – enabling t he other person t o admit t heir f eelings, t alk about t hem, let of f st eam, calm down and be rat ional. Assertiveness as we def ine it is t heref ore essent ially honest . It means being t rue t o yourself , valuing yourself , t rust ing your own f eelings and giving t hem a f irm, clear voice. When you t ell ot hers honest ly how you f eel you will have lit t le dif f icult y in get t ing t hem t o believe you and t ake you seriously. If you are not used t o doing t his you may be uncomf ort able at f irst . If so, below is a f ramework t hat can help.
Provided you resolve t o speak t he t rut h what you say when you do is likely t o be convincing.
How
to
speak
The assertive way to be and speak
assertively
Say, as brief ly as you can, t hree specif ic and t rue t hings about yourself (you can say t hem wit hout f ear of cont radict ion): 1. How you f eel Name t he f eeling, e.g., “I’m very pleased”, “I’m not happy”, “Now I’m even more alarmed”, “I’m concerned”, “I’m extremely concerned”. 2. What about What specif ic event or experience you are ref erring t o. 3. T he reason why What underlying need, belief or dif f icult y of yours has caused you t o react in t his way? In ot her words, what really matters t o you?
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http://dor.academy/en/the-assertive-way-to-be-and-speak/