The difference between EMPATHY and SYMPATHY
For some people empat hy and sympat hy are t he same. But it does not mat t er what we call it , because t his is not about t he meaning of words. T here is a dist inct ion t o be underst ood bet ween t wo quit e dif f erent ways of seeing people. T he empat hy is part of t he 2 spect acular keys f or a healt hy relat ionship t hat we have present ed in a previous art icle: „list ening wit h empat hy” and „speaking wit h assert iveness”. In one of t he art icles devot ed t o improving communicat ion I present ed t hree pract ical examples t hat can be used t o pract ice t he “list ening wit h empat hy.” In t his art icle I present anot her pract ical example which will show t he dif f erence bet ween empat hy and sympat hy in communicat ion. Imagine someone comes t o you and says: “I don’t know what to do. I can’t cope with this. It’s getting me down.” If you were t heir parent or t heir manager, which of t he f ollowing t wo responses would you pref er t o make? A: Oh, you poor thing. It’s obviously too much for you. Let me help. I’ll see if I can find a way to relieve you of the problem. B: You seem very worried. Let’s look together at exactly what the difficulty is. Perhaps I can help you discover how you can get on top of it. Bot h responses show compassion and a wish t o be helpf ul, but t here is a big dif f erence. Response A is sorry f or people and t ries t o rescue t hem. T his is what we call sympat hy. Response B is what we call empat hy. It sees t he best in people – t heir pot ent ial – and want s t o help t hem see it in t hemselves. It helps t hem f ace t heir dif f icult ies. It aims t o develop t heir self -conf idence, det erminat ion and sense of responsibilit y.
People learn import ant lessons about t hemselves f rom our responses t o t hem, because how we see t hem – t hough we may not realize it – is how we are t eaching t hem t o see t hemselves. T he t rouble wit h sympat hy is it encourages people t o be sorry f or t hemselves: “Ah, poor me. If only this hadn’t happened to me.” It t eaches t hem t o see t hemselves as vict ims. It encourages t hem in a belief f ull of f ear: “I’m not the sort of person who can cope when this sort of thing happens to me”. And t his of course is a self- fulfilling prophecy. Empat hy on t he ot her hand t eaches somet hing quit e dif f erent : “I’ll f ind a way t o manage t his dif f icult y because t hat ’s t he sort of person I am. Let me see what valuable lesson f or lif e I can learn f rom t his experience?” T his t oo is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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