The Mocking Mirror by Africa Publishing Company

Young people especially strive to be considered attractive, capable and successful, yet what they need is what every human being yearns for: to be loved and accepted.

T he M oc k i n g M i r r o r

In “The Mocking Mirror” Dr Núñez challenges the values of a society that so often rewards the beautiful and rejects the plain. He encourages us to appreciate our uniqueness and elaborates on methods to develop a confident self-acceptance that can supersede the lies of vanity and self-loathing.

The Mocking Mirror

This book is essential reading for young people, parents and educators.

Developing a healthy self-esteem in an image-conscious world

Miguel Ángel Núñez

PUBLISHING CO.

ISBN 978-1-920579-34-0

9 781920 579340

Miguel Ángel Núñez

Africa

Developing a healthy self-esteem in an image-conscious world Miguel ﾃ］gel Nﾃｺﾃｱez

THE MOCKING MIRROR Developing a healthy self-esteem in an image-conscious world Original edition title: Lo Lindo de Ser Feo Copyright © Miguel Ángel Núñez First English Edition September 2013 Africa Publishing Company

PO Box 111 Somerset Mall 7137, Western Cape, South Africa Tel: +27 (0)21 8527656 Fax: +27 (0)86 5022980 Email: info@africacopublishing.com

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise – without prior written permission from the publisher. Unless otherwise marked, all Scripture references taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright ©1973, 1978,1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. ISBN: 978-1-920579-03-6 Publisher: Marcos Cruz Assistant Publisher: Jeremi Sterley Editor: Cindy Hurlow Translators: Laura Giordano, Catherine Scott Designers: Shawn Lochner, Design Guru, Edwin De la Cruz, Daniel Taipe Published in South Africa

Developing a healthy self-esteem in an image-conscious world Miguel ﾃ］gel Nﾃｺﾃｱez

Contents INTRODUCTION

The tale of the ugly duckling The impact of society

IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU

7 8 10

Your self-image 16 Healthy self-esteem, not self-adoration 19 Conclusion 20 Questions for discussion 21

THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-ESTEEM

23 What is the importance of a good self-esteem? 24 The many dimensions of the self-concept 29 Differences in self-concept development in girls and boys 30 Conclusion 32 Questions for discussion 33 THE IMPACT OF CHILDHOOD The value that parents assign to gender Parents should love unconditionally Adolescence and self-esteem Conclusion Questions for discussion

35 35 37 38 39 39

UNRESOLVED ISSUES Healing the memory Burying the past Cultivate the gift of happy memories Conclusion Questions for discussion

41 42 45 46 47 47

AN OBSESSION WITH IMAGE

49 Confusing messages in advertising 53 Body image versus advertising 54 The logic of snowflakes 55 Conclusion 56 Questions for discussion 57 THE CULT OF INTELLIGENCE Multiple Intelligences Conclusion Questions for discussion

59 62 65 65

CREATED IN HIS IMAGE

Being a woman today 68 What do you need to learn as a woman? 71 Being a man today 73 What do you need to know about being a man? 75 What it means to be created in God’s image 77 Conclusion 78 Questions for discussion 79

OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS 81 81 82 84 86 87

Tell me with whom you walk... Sexual vulnerability Social roles Conclusion Questions for discussion

WHAT IF I DON’T ACCEPT MYSELF?

89 Redemption and self-acceptance 89 A life of service 92 A life of purpose 95 Do not live on borrowed dreams 95 Accepting yourself 99 Befriending oneself 101 Conclusion 102 Questions for discussion 103 CONCLUSION 105

Introduction E

ric is a tall, handsome young man, third in a family of four children. His two eldest brothers have already left home and only Eric and his younger sister remain with their mother, his father having abandoned them when Eric was only five years old. In many ways, without being able to help it, Eric has felt that he was the reason for his father’s leaving. And more than once his mother has hinted at this, or at least he felt like she did. Even though he is good looking and has attracted the attention of many young ladies, he feels that he is not good enough. He is constantly self-critical, so much so that his younger sister has pointed it out to him several times. “You’re well built – how can you think you’re ugly? Don’t you notice how my friends look at you?” But her comments don’t convince Eric. He feels that she is only complimenting him because she is his sister and therefore what she says doesn’t count. He tends to become depressed, especially when he has experienced conflict with one of his friends or with a teacher at school. In fact, because he is constantly in defence mode, whenever someone says something negative, he can’t help thinking that they are referring to him. Eric’s situation is not unique. The truth is that there are thousands of young people who look at themselves in the mirror and don’t like what they see. In one way or another they believe that if they were able to change their outward appearance, this would significantly improve their chances of success.

Unfortunately, this idea is just an illusion. The sad reality is that when we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t accept ourselves we will put ourselves through a lifetime of suffering. At some point we need to take time to reflect on our self-concept and make positive attitude changes, even asking for professional help if necessary.

Loving oneself is as necessary as breathing. It means that we truly value our worth as a person and appreciate our uniqueness.

THE TALE OF THE UGLY DUCKLING The Danish writer Hans Christian Anderson in 1842 wrote one of the best-loved stories of all time, The Ugly Duckling. He tells the story of a duckling who was born to a hen but rejected by all including his own mother for being ugly and looking so different from his siblings. The unfortunate duckling escaped from the farm where he had been verbally and physically abused and fled into the forest. However, his troubles were only just beginning. He narrowly escaped being shot by a hunter and was nearly killed by the hunterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dog. He found protection for a while on a farm owned by an old lady with a pet cat and chicken but this too was short-lived as they soon chased him away when they realised that he was of little use to them.

The duckling barely survived winter and would have frozen to death if a villager had not found him and given him shelter. But soon enough he had to escape this home too as the man’s children were constantly taunting him. Finally one day, when he was feeling terribly sad and discouraged, he sat at the edge of a lake and observed as two beautiful white swans flew by and landed on the water and began paddling towards him. He considered running away as he was accustomed to doing but instead decided he’d had enough and just sat there awaiting his fate. When the birds reached him, to his surprise they greeted him warmly and seemed happy to meet him. The ugly duckling felt quite embarrassed as he was not used to all the attention. But then, glancing at himself in the water’s reflection, to his shock and surprise he realised that he too was a beautiful white swan! Some children that were playing nearby happened to notice the ugly duckling and called out, “Hey look! There’s a new swan on the lake, and he’s the most beautiful of them all!” And from then on, of course, the “ugly duckling” lived happily ever after. This beautiful tale has been translated into more than 80 languages and told with many variations and from various perspectives, but the lesson remains: you should not worry about what you look like because sooner or later you will stop being an ugly duckling and become a beautiful swan.

entire life? The story doesn’t tell us about those who are born a certain way and cannot change what they received at birth. While it is nice to imagine that we will all eventually grow out of our ugly duckling selves and transform into beautiful white swans, it is better to understand that the path of self-acceptance will provide the best opportunities for optimal selfdevelopment. Accepting who you are and seeing yourself in a positive light will lay down the foundation for living life to the fullest and will bring out the best in yourself. You might have specific talents that will be a stepping-stone toward success but if you don’t accept yourself your success will remain limited. Likewise, you might have few natural talents but with a generous dose of self-esteem you are likely to achieve far more than those with natural ability but who lack confidence. In this book we look at how to analyse the importance of self-esteem; how to have a healthy self-esteem and how to develop an appropriate self-concept. I am confident that reading these pages will help those who have difficulties in accepting themselves as well as those who do have a healthy self-esteem to maintain it.

However, I am sorry to say that the story has a flaw. It is not reality. What if you weren’t born a swan, and will remain a duck your

THE MOCKING MIRROR

THE IMPACT OF SOCIETY This is a factor sometimes overlooked in analysing the development of one’s self-image. The social context in which we live in one way or another conditions the way we think of ourselves and our abilities; we cannot avoid it. I once met a young man who had a low self-image because his family used to mock him since he was not able to do what his brothers and father could easily do. They abused him psychologically, saying that he was not worthy to be part of them. The problem with this young man was that his conscience would not allow him to practice the family trade; his relatives were professional thieves. This is not an isolated situation. Throughout history, social context has imposed specific standards that influence the development of peoples’ self-image. In the Greek world the youth were expected to develop great physical abilities (after all, it was the Greeks who invented the Olympics!). In addition, they were urged to develop the ability to think rationally; the great Greek philosophers taught in schools that had been especially set up to train the youth how to think. Finally, they were expected to conduct themselves with virtue as the guiding force in their lives. Later, the Romans aspired to courage as the highest virtue. For this reason the soldiers of the Roman army were considered the most important role models in society. Among Arab Muslims, the highest honour is to be like Muhammad, a great and holy warrior. Youths are encouraged to develop the bravery to face their enemies without fear. In ancient China, influenced by the thinking of the great philosopher Confucius, those who were able to develop poetic and musical talents, as well as skill in calligraphy and drawing, were held in high esteem. In many ways this represented the magnifying of intellectual gifts. In today’s world, values vary from culture to culture but there are certain commonalities among them. Much emphasis is placed on success. The tendency is to measure success in terms

of riches, fame and celebrity status. Movie stars and athletes are particularly idolised. Those in the scientific or academic world are generally overlooked unless they achieve fame and wealth by winning a prestigious prize or inventing something for which they become wealthy. Without doubt, these concepts in one way or another begin to create an image of what people should be and these concepts in turn influence what young people think of themselves. It is my opinion that todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ideals are too often based on misguided values. In our daily lives we find young people wanting to look and act like rich and famous movie stars or athletes who are not always appropriate role models. Aspiring to fame and wealth is simply not enough. There must be more.

Throughout history, social context has imposed specific standards that influence the development of peoplesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; self-image.

1 CHAPTER

It all depends on you Y

our understanding of the world and of reality is something that happens inside your mind. Your mind is where you experience joys and sorrows, dreams and fears. Almost everything depends on your attitudes and beliefs. This simple truth seems to be forgotten by many who believe that circumstances, other people and external events make us who we are. Of course, these things all have an impact, but ultimately what occurs inside your mind is what gives them meaning and influence. Events might seem to be neutral, but it is you who assigns meaning to them. Alexander and Joshua were neighbours who played together and went to the same school. Their houses, like the others in their poor neighbourhood, were connected to each other and made of wood and other flammable materials. One tragic day there was a fire. It has never been discovered with certainty in which house the fire started but the most probable cause was an electrical fault, a common problem in these lowcost structures. The fire brigade was called but only arrived almost forty minutes later by which time the two homes were almost completely destroyed. The families were able to salvage hardly anything and they were left literally on the street. When Alexanderâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s father questioned the fire-fighters about their lateness, one of them replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Why hurry? These houses burn like kindling and it would only be a waste of water.â&#x20AC;?

THE MOCKING MIRROR

Alexander overheard the fire-fighter’s comment and from that moment on he developed a deep resentment toward not only fire-fighters but also toward anything that in some way represented some sort of authority. In contrast, Joshua, who also overheard the fire-fighter’s comment, had a different reaction. He became determined that one day he would become a fire-fighter so that he could ensure that nothing similar would ever occur. Alexander began to complain about his family’s poverty saying that because they were poor no one cared about them and that this was why their houses had burned down. Joshua would respond by saying that while it was probable that they weren’t helped because they were poor, if they were willing to apply themselves they could make a difference. “After all,” he said, “poverty is not contagious! We can work hard and study in order to change our destiny.” Alexander would laugh and say, “You’re just a big dreamer. You don’t understand that this is our reality and we’ll never get out of the pit we’re in.” The years passed. Alexander began to drink, joined a gang of delinquents and allowed his life to become a total disaster. Joshua distanced himself from his neighbour even though they continued living next to each other. His parents rebuilt their house and moved on with their lives. One day when Joshua was fourteen he noticed a man searching through the garbage can taking out paper and cardboard. Joshua approached the man and asked him why he was doing this. The man explained that a recycling factory had opened nearby and that they paid for paper and cardboard. Joshua went to the factory to find out more. He discovered that they bought not only paper and cardboard but also metal, biodegradable plastics, glass bottles and tin cans. So Joshua began collecting recyclable materials from his neighbours and paying them a portion of what he would be paid by the factory. In his neighbourhood the people were very poor and every extra cent was welcomed.

With the help of two friends whom he subcontracted, he began visiting homes weekly to collect what people kept aside for him. Later, in his own backyard, they would separate the items into their respective categories and then sell it to the factory. Eventually Joshua won more and more people’s trust. The manager of the factory saw in this intelligent youngster a determination and entrepreneurial spirit that he encouraged. Once, when he was out walking, Joshua saw a man in a nearby plot of land burying organic waste such as fruit peels and other organic matter. He approached the man to find out what he was doing and the man explained that in this way he was creating compost to fertilise the soil. The man gave Joshua all of the details of how to go about making compost which gave Joshua another idea for his business. He went back to all of his neighbours who were incredulous to be told that now he would give them money for their peels and leaves and any other organic waste as well. He convinced one of his neighbours who owned a plot of land to rent it out to him. He told his neighbour that although he

If they were willing to apply themselves they could make a difference. “After all,” he said, “poverty is not contagious! We can work hard and study in order to change our destiny.”

THE MOCKING MIRROR didn’t have all the money upfront, in three months he would pay back his debt and then be able to pay him in advance. The man trusted Joshua and agreed to rent out his plot. Joshua hired two more people with the money he made from his first project. He found a few old wooden planks in a dumpster and built himself a little fence around the plot. Using shovels borrowed from his father and uncle, his hired help turned over the soil, removing any rocks and burying the organic material in the ground. After about three months he began to get results. Since then, Joshua has been able to buy himself an old truck which he fixed up with the help of his dad. He has sold many things, including the rocks he removed from the soil! He has expanded his network to include a nearby market and two supermarkets who supply him with organic waste. Today, he is a successful businessman. He is the owner of his own recycling factory. And he is also a volunteer fire-fighter. You can blame your circumstances, the neighbourhood in which you were raised, your parents, or anything else, but the fact remains that ultimately everything depends on you. You are the one who determines if things will be different or not. The best and the worst outcomes are in your hands. Your success or your failure does not depend on your circumstances but on the way you face what happens to you. Joshua saw himself as someone who would succeed and, with hard work and perseverance, he did just that. He once spoke to someone who clearly envied him because of everything he had achieved. Joshua cautioned, “Before envying me because of everything I have, you need to ask yourself, what price did I pay to get to where I am today? Nothing is for free, not even success.”

YOUR SELF-IMAGE An image is an optical illusion. When we look at ourselves in the mirror, what we see doesn’t exist in physical form since it is only the reflection of our person. It exists only as an optical illusion, a combination of light and shade.

However, even though the image reflected in the mirror does not have its own existence, it serves to allow us to see ourselves. We would not know if we look neat or untidy if it weren’t for the image reflected in the mirror. It is the same with the mental image that we develop of ourselves. It is a cognitive illusion that depends on us for its existence. Each person decides what mental image they will develop of themselves. Of course, our external surroundings have an effect, but it is our own choice what real impression will stay in our minds. If we decide to see ourselves as losers, there will be nothing else on the cognitive horizon. We will look at the world based on the self-image that we have conceived. When I first arrived at the secondary school where I studied as a boarder, I had to go to the nurse’s office; it was required that all the students be examined by the nurse before graduation. There I met Gilda, an extraordinary woman that captivated me from the very beginning with her smile and her kindness. “Hi!” she said to me with her musical voice, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She extended her hand to me and said with a smile, “The Chicky is here to serve.” I stared at her blankly, not daring to ask if I had heard correctly.

You can blame your circumstances, the neighbourhood in which you were raised, your parents, or anything else, but the fact remains that ultimately everything depends on you. You are the one who determines if things will be different or not. The best and the worst outcomes are in your hands. 17

After she had asked the routine questions and I left the office, I discovered that she had introduced herself to all of the new students in the same way, using her nickname, The Chicky. Later on we found out that everyone called her this; in fact it took me several months to find out her real name.

The image that you develop of yourself is crucial. It is not a matter of little importance. It is fundamental to what you will be for the rest of your life.

She had once been given the nickname as a term of endearment by someone special and she had adopted it as her way of presenting herself. She had been born with a physical deformity that caused her head to be smaller than normal. She also had quite short legs, so that if one looked at her from a distance, she really did look like a little baby chick. But far from bothering her, it amused her. I came to know her as the extraordinary person she was: cheerful, happy with life and full of plans. As students we made a habit of going to visit her not just for our physical ailments but also to be cheered up by her zest for life and her good advice. As the years went by I discovered that many students were in love with her. Her way of being and treating people was captivating. Certainly she would never have won any beauty contests within the stereotypical standards of what is beautiful in todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s society; nevertheless she had an image of herself that made her a beautiful woman.

The image that you develop of yourself is crucial. It is not a matter of little importance. It is fundamental to what you will be for the rest of your life. You can look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who is ugly, a failure or not very intelligent, or you can see yourself as a beautiful person, a winner who is able to deal with challenges. More important than what others think of you is what you think of yourself. It all depends on you.

HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM, NOT SELF-ADORATION The ancient Greek myth of Narcissus tells the story of a youth who was so beautiful that he frequently went to a nearby pool to admire his reflection. Eventually, one day while he was looking at himself, he fell in and drowned. Through this story, the Greeks sought to warn against the dangers of self-adoration. Today, in psychological literature, a person who adores himself is known as a narcissist. He tends to relate to people in a superior way, exhibiting little need for intimacy with others.1 He also tends to have less empathy in his interpersonal relationships, not always ready to understand the feelings of another.2 In contrast, a person with a healthy self-esteem is considerate to others.3 Narcissists search for interpersonal relationships that allow them to reaffirm the admiration they feel for themselves4 and this leads them to Machiavellianism,5 which is the tendency to deceive and manipulate others for personal gain. They perceive themselves as more intelligent6 and creative7 than others, which in many cases is no more than an illusion of grandeur.8 For this reason narcissism is considered a disorder of the personality9 which sooner or later destroys relationships. Self-esteem implies balance. It means appreciating our strengths and good points without falling into the dangerous game of self-exaltation. In other words, love yourself, but

THE MOCKING MIRROR never to the extent that you think you’re a perfect person who has nothing to improve or that you are superior to others. Perhaps sensing this reality, the apostle Paul cautions in one of his letters: “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you” (Romans 12:3). This is to say, every human being should think of himself in a balanced way, neither superior nor inferior. If this is not the case, the resulting unbalance will lead to psychological self-destruction.

CONCLUSION I would like to emphasise the fact that in many ways you are the architect of your own destiny. Your mind is where the important circumstances are created; blaming your external circumstances makes no sense. We choose what we desire to be. In addition, the image we develop of ourselves has a profound impact on the rest of our lives. For this reason it is necessary to cultivate a healthy self-esteem but to avoid harmful self-adoration. To understand that we are created in the image of God, that our lives have been destined with a purpose and that we have great value, will give us the tools to succeed in developing an appropriate concept of ourselves.

REFERENCES L. Carroll, “A Study of Narcissism, Affiliation, Intimacy, and Power Motives Among Students in Business Administration”, Psychological Reports, 61 (1987): 355-358.

P. J. Watson, S. O. Grisham, M. V. Trotter and M. D. Biderman, “Narcissism and Empathy: Validity Evidence for the Narcissistic Personality Inventory”, Journal of Personality Assessment, 45 (1984): 159162.

W. Keith Campbell, Eric A. Rudich and Constantine Sedikides, “Narcissism, Self-Esteem, and the Positivity of Self-Views: Two Portraits of Self-Love”, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28 (2002): 358-368.

Campbell, Rudich and Sedikides, “Narcissism, Self-Esteem, and the Positivity of Self-Views”, 359.

J. McHoskey, “Narcissism and Machiavellianism”, Psychological Reports, 77 (1995): 755-759.

M. T. Gabriel, J. W. Critelli and J. S. Ee, “Narcissistic Illusions in Self-Evaluations of Intelligence and Attractiveness”, Journal of Personality, 62 (1994): 143-155.

R. N. Raskin and R. Shaw, “Narcissism and the Use of Personal Pronouns”, Journal of Personality, 56 (1988): 393-404.

Rebecca P. Ang, ”The Relationship between Aggression, Narcissism, and Self-Esteem in Asian Children and Adolescents”, Current Psychology 24/2 (2005): 113-122.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 1. What does it mean to say ‘It all depends on you’? 2. Why is one’s self-concept so important? 3. In what sense are circumstances neutral? 4. Why is what you think of yourself more important than what others think about you? 5. What can we learn from the lives of Alexander and Joshua? 6. What lessons can we learn from Chicky’s life? 7. Why is it important to differentiate between self-esteem and narcissism? 8. What are the characteristics of a healthy self-esteem? 9. How can you ensure that you don’t have narcissistic traits? 10. Is there any evidence in your life that your self-concept might be unbalanced?

In today’s image-conscious culture, many people struggle to develop and maintain a healthy self-esteem. The world’s obsession with beauty, fame, intelligence and power leave most of us feeling ugly and inadequate. Tragically, some find it almost impossible to value and accept themselves for who they are. Young people especially strive to be considered attractive, capable and successful, yet what they need is what every human being yearns for: to be loved and accepted. In “The Mocking Mirror”Dr Núñez challenges the values of a society that so often rewards the beautiful and rejects the plain. He encourages us to appreciate our uniqueness and elaborates on methods to develop a confident self-acceptance that can supersede the lies of vanity and self-loathing. This book is essential reading for young people, parents and educators.

Developing a healthy self-esteem in an image-conscious world Miguel Ángel Núñez

PUBLISHING CO.

Miguel Ángel Núñez

Africa

ISBN 978-1-920579-03-6

9 781920 579036

Mocking_Mirror_COVER_ENG.indd 1

2014/01/27 1:06 PM