Be The Line: Thoughts on Parenting an Adolescent Girl

BE THE LINE thoughts on parenting an adolescent girl

Lynne D. Myavec, Middle School Director The Agnes Irwin School

BE THE LINE thoughts on parenting an adolescent girl

Lynne D. Myavec, Middle School Director The Agnes Irwin School

It’s probably safe to say that my path has crossed the paths of thousands of adolescent girls, and I thank each and every one for what she has taught me, for the tears and laughter she has elicited, and for the mean looks, hugs, whispers, notes of gratitude, pertinent and impertinent questions, and all the rest of what goes with the privilege of spending time with them.

Be the Line is dedicated to Luisa Suzanne Myavec and Anna Bess Myavec, as they were and always will remain my all-time favorite adolescents, and being their mom has surely been the best part of my existence.

Contents

Foreword i Introduction iii BE THE LINE…your new mantra

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BE THE LINE…with the new normal

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BE THE LINE…through a series of stages

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BE THE LINE…to survive the drama

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BE THE LINE…on mood swings

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BE THE LINE…on learning and grades

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BE THE LINE…on risky behavior

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BE THE LINE…on family time

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Foreword

John Steinbeck once wrote: “Perhaps it takes courage to raise children.”

I would add that raising children takes a willingness to examine your capacity for patience, and for understanding behavior that, at times, defies logic — all while loving your child with overwhelming abandon.

I have parented through the middle school years three times; twice I navigated these occasionally turbulent years with daughters. In my professional life, as a school counselor, I have helped middle schoolers negotiate the intense feelings that can accompany their interactions with parents, peers, and teachers. As an administrator, I have helped to settle the anxieties of numerous parents who have wondered, sometimes with befuddled looks on their faces, what happened to the little girl they once knew and fully understood.

Parenting the middle school girl is not a job for the faint of heart. For all my expertise as a professional, when it was my turn to be in the parenting driver’s seat, most of my knowledge and understanding went by the wayside. My children, as children do to their parents everywhere, had the uncanny ability to push my buttons, awaken my insecurities as a parent, incite flashes of anger and frustration, and reduce me to my most inarticulate self in a matter of moments.

It is in such instances, and those in between, when the waters are still and calm, that we need the steady and calming voice of an educator like Lynne Myavec. I have worked with Lynne for five years now, and in that time I have been fortunate to count her as a colleague, but more so as the Middle School director for my youngest child. I came to understand Lynne’s wisdom and insight not only in my professional life, but also as a parent who eagerly read her weekly letters urging us to stay the course, value the exponential growth that occurs in early adolescence, and embrace the vagaries of behavior and emotion that, by necessity, are the constant companions of that progress.

Lynne’s letters are sometimes the observations of a middle school educator, and at other times the reflections of a devoted mother. Lynne is a knowledge-seeker who connects research in brain development to her instinctive understanding of the teenage girl. No matter the perspective, or the topic, Lynne infuses her writing with characteristic humor and insightful intelligence.

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If you are the parent of an adolescent girl, you will recognize her in these pages.

There will be at least one vignette in this book that recounts, in uncanny detail, an interaction you had with your daughter. The writings will draw you in and make you eager to find out more. Lynne’s voice, her perspective, and her wisdom will help you see the beauty of your daughter’s journey. She will help you understand that the person your daughter is evolving into can only emerge through the trials and travails of adolescence; and that you, her parent, must remain a constant.

I know you will come back to these pages over and over again during your child’s middle school years, and perhaps beyond — so that Lynne’s words can guide you to stay the course.

Mariandl M.C. Hufford, Ed.M. in Teaching and Curriculum, M.S.Ed. in Psychological Services, M.S.Ed. in Educational Leadership Assistant Head of School and Director, Center for the Advancement of Girls The Agnes Irwin School

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Introduction

“What have you done with my daughter…and when is she coming back?”

No parent has actually said those words aloud to me, but I can see the question in their eyes sometimes. I can feel their bafflement and worry and surprise as they watch their daughters navigate the waters of early adolescence. Sometimes I sense sadness, and even some anger and finger pointing, because, after all, they delivered to my care happy, cheerful little girls, and now look at what they’re faced with!

I have worked in schools for nearly forty years, from North Carolina to Michigan, Massachusetts to Missouri, and now, Pennsylvania. My roles have included many years as a classroom teacher, followed by many more as assistant head of school and as middle school director. Always, there were adolescent girls involved. For extra practice, I raised two daughters of my own.

This collection is in answer to that question, “What have you done with my daughter?” The answer, simply, is that your daughter is still in there, and she will come out on the other side. These years, roughly between ages eleven and fourteen, allow her to move from the little girl she was to the young woman she’ll be…but she’s still that daughter you’ve loved and nurtured.

Early adolescence is not, as some might have you believe, a time for parents to fear or to “get through” — it’s a tough and wonderful age, and a time to relish. Through the organization of this collection of mini-essays, factual information, suggestions, and thoughts to ponder, my hope is threefold: • To provide you with a glimpse of middle school girls; that is, what they are experiencing developmentally on many fronts.

• To support you in seeing much of what challenges them (and you) as normal, healthy growth.

• To allow you to experience parenting your daughter in ways that feel manageable and sane.

Therefore, the pages that follow are peppered with some developmental and anecdotal information as background, some opinions and interjections, and, mostly, a number of letters to parents I’ve written in recent years. While I have written to parents, plural, and often use the terms “fathers” and “mothers” in this collection, I recognize those many families with one parent, parents of the same sex, households where a grandparent or other is doing the raising and nurturing, and all

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the diverse varieties and collections of hearts we refer to as families — I intend no slight by way of language.

If some of what follows is not useful to you, skip it! If some doesn’t apply to you or your daughter, disregard it! However, the wish behind my words and this endeavor is that you will, in fact, discover bits here and there that provide value.

Lynne D. Myavec Middle School Director The Agnes Irwin School

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BE THE LINE ...your new mantra

Our daughters have new brains, and lots of new jobs to accomplish. What about us, the people who feed, clothe, and shelter them? We, too, are called upon to change during their early adolescence, to discover and practice new ways of parenting. And so, I offer to you your three jobs, and a new mantra for the new normal.

First, your jobs. All are critical and all are difficult.

Job number one is to provide, monitor, and maintain the balance in your daughter’s life. Imagine balancing a meter stick on your index finger…it’s necessary for you to pay attention, to shift or maneuver to keep the thing aloft, and to out and out grab it and re-position it if (when) it goes askew.

Your daughter needs help in balancing her time, especially the ratio of busy time and time for rest and reflection. She needs a balance of earned praise and thoughtful criticism, and a balance of new challenges and old comforts.

Please note that to offer that balance to your daughter, it will be essential that you offer it to yourself, as well.

Your second job is to supply perspective. Your daughter will need perspective on everything from being teased to losing a tough game to working hard in a class and not performing as she imagined. She’ll also need perspective on what matters and what really doesn’t, why other people act and think differently than she does, and what her various roles are in school and the family. For example, girls often struggle with speaking up when they’ve seen something of concern — they don’t want to tattle. Help her see that if she’s speaking up to get someone in trouble, that’s tattling, but if she’s speaking up to help someone out of trouble, or to help someone avoid trouble, that’s being responsible and kind. Finally, you will want to let her

BE THE LINE...your new mantra

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know that from your perspective, she’s still growing and learning — you expect her to make mistakes, have tough days, mess up with friends, and so on.

Your third job is a gradual undertaking. As your daughter moves through adolescence, you will need to shift your position from manager to consultant. Gone are the days of getting on the phone and arranging play dates — she’s picking her own friends now, and some may not be your first choice. Gone are the days of you communicating concerns to her teacher on her behalf…it’s time for her to begin advocating for herself. And gone are the days when you step in to solve her problems, leaving everything nicely tied up with a bow…problem solving takes practice, and it’s one of her jobs!

And what about that new mantra for you, the new parent? There’s a story that goes with this, so bear with me. Years and years ago, an art teacher challenged me and other colleagues at the lunch table to “draw” a year.

How would you picture, graphically, the concept of a year? I am no artist, but I drew mine immediately, on a handy napkin, and it looked like this:

SEPTEMBER

JUNE

Naturally, as an educator, my year goes from September to June. The forward-leaning spiral that proceeds up, then down, then backward and then around, all the way to June, is your daughter’s life. When she is at the top of a curve and the trajectory is forward, you think, “Yes! This girl has it made! Look out Ivy League, look out world!” However, when she is at the bottom of those curves, and her trajectory is, in fact, downward and backward, one cannot help but think, “Uh-oh. I sure hope they have generous visiting hours in her correctional institution.”

You, my friends, are the line. You must be the line. You can’t exhaust yourselves going up, down, and all around with her, and that’s not what she needs from you, anyway. You maintain the balance and the perspective, you advise and consult, you are the line.

Be the line.

BE BeTHE The Line...Your LINE...yourNew new Mantra mantra

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Dear Parents, Because you are the parent of a middle school girl, this “quiz” is for you. From the choices below, please select any and all you have experienced in the past month or two. pride

discouragement

hurt

delight

encouragement

misgivings

frustration

confusion

insomnia

worry

surprise

desire to run away

Pretty much everyone has taken at least a couple of the magazine or online quizzes that offer a dozen or so simplistic questions to which the reader must respond, followed by a grading key based upon little or no scientific or statistical research.

The above represents my version. The grading is easy, because I know, with absolute certainty, that most of you checked most of the choices…and would’ve checked more if they’d been given. What does it tell you? Only what you already know: you are deeply embroiled in one of the most exhausting and rewarding jobs available — parenting an adolescent girl.

I am continually surprised by parents who only wish their daughter to hear positive feelings from their most important role models, you. Wanting to protect her from discomfort is natural, but children deserve adults who are honest with them about the full range of emotions people experience. The adults in the home have the distinct advantage of being able to say, “I love you and I’m disappointed,” as well as “I love you and I’m proud of you.”

Similarly, parents who sugar coat their parenting experiences when speaking to one another are depriving themselves of a priceless resource — each other. No, it’s not okay to tell tales that would embarrass your daughter or betray her confidence, but sharing your challenges and doubts with another in the same boat can at least make a parent feel less alone and uncertain, and may even provide some unexpected insights into your own approaches and concerns.

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Dear Parents, Sometimes it’s good to cut to the chase. When parenting an adolescent girl, the “chase” is often different for moms and dads. Your daughter will have a relationship with each of you, as well as a relationship with you as a unit. What follows are some suggestions, based upon the role you fill in her life.

For Dads/Stepdads/Significant Male Figures to consider: • Do you have any father/daughter traditions or rituals, e.g., going to the supermarket together, yard work on the weekends, evening walks, Sunday morning crosswords, or Sudoku? If not, now is a great time to add one to your routine. It will have untold value for both of you.

• Find opportunities to deliver simple, straightforward praise or encouragement; praise when she tries something new, when she takes a good risk, when she perseveres or bounces back. Avoid too much praise about her appearance.

• Think about the “no matter whats” that you have for your daughter. They may be the same as when she was younger, or they may be new, but she needs to hear the way(s) you would complete the sentence, “No matter what, _____.” Each dad has his own, but examples include, “No matter what, you can tell me the truth,” and “No matter what, I expect you to be kind.”

For Moms/Stepmoms/Significant Female Figures…what your daughter might say to you if she could: • Listen to me. I don’t always say it just right, and it may not seem important to you, but it’s important to me.

• Talk to me. I want to know what you think, even sometimes when I say I don’t.

• Laugh with me. And cry with me, too.

• You don’t have to accept all my invitations to fight. Sometimes it would be better for both of us if you didn’t.

• Let me make mistakes. It’s how I learn.

For the United Front: • Be consistent with rules and consequences. Even if she complains.

• Be good role models.

• Tell her that you love her…at least once a day.

• Help her build a strong sense of self…it’s what she’ll need the most.

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Dear Parents, Points earned on a math test.

Accumulated disciplinary marks.

Score in a soccer match.

Invitations to parties.

Minutes spent waiting for your carpool.

Revisions needed on an essay.

The tragic events at the Boston Marathon, like far too many events in recent years, remind us of Albert Einstein’s words, “Many of the things you can count, don’t count.

Many of the things you can’t count really count.” Many times I have written about resilience — about how important it is for our girls to accept that life and learning include disappointments, and to recognize that it’s the bouncing back that matters.

The horror that took only moments to unfold for the runners and spectators in Boston provides an object lesson as to what ought to be considered a disappointment in the first place.

Adults will often say, in the aftermath of a tragedy, “This really puts things in perspective.” As the primary influences in our girls’ lives, let’s help them understand that all upsets are not equal…that some should not even count.

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BE THE LINE with the new normal

The new normal. Your daughter has a new brain. Neuroscience confirms that the years of early adolescence represent the most tumultuous time of brain growth since coming out of the womb. As a result, ages 11-14 can resemble ages 1-4 in terms of growth and change in every way. Remember your toddler, your preschooler? She was developing new competencies in language, motor skills, reasoning, and social-emotional interactions daily, it seemed. Such is the case with the brain of the middle school girl.

Around the age of eleven, your daughter’s brain reaches the peak of a growth spurt termed “exuberance,” an enormous increase in the number of neurons at-the-ready for equally enormous potential. But the growth is uneven and awkward, it’s ungainly…picture a puppy with an unwieldy body, paws and head too big for the rest of her, and sorely in need of some training. In the same way, your daughter’s thinking, planning, organizing, humor, feelings, and social interactions can be awkward. They need time and practice. Her brain needs sculpting.

Whether you call it sculpting or, as the neuroscientists call it, pruning, middle school is the time when that exuberance of neurons, that awkward lump of potential, is refined by a girl’s experiences. For those clumps of neurons, it’s a time of use it or lose it, as understandings about herself, life, and the world around her are solidified in the brain, shaped by each exposure to new ideas, each action and consequence, each episode of trying and succeeding or trying and failing.

BE THE LINE...with the new normal

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Learn to think to yourself, “Thank goodness she made that mistake now; thank goodness she made that bad decision now; thank goodness she had to bounce back from that setback or disappointment now.� All of it is learning.

It is learning at a fertile time for her cognitive and social-emotional growth, and for beginning to learn about herself. It is learning at a time when the consequences are important and real, but before the ante is upped, and it is learning at a time when she has you and a ready safety net.

The pruning and sculpting and solidifying will go on into her 20s, and the last part of her brain to achieve stable, adult status will be her frontal lobes, the area responsible for planning, logic, weighing options, strategizing, and seeing beyond the immediate. Until then, let the learning by experience occur! Protecting, rescuing, and orchestrating is good evidence of pruning that has occurred in the parent’s brain, but it does little to advance the neuron shaping your daughter requires and deserves.

BE THE LINE...with the new normal

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Dear Parents, When the emotions and behaviors associated with pubescent girls surface in our homes, it can be tough to know where they fall on the make-believe “normal” continuum. That’s what this list is about: • It’s normal for a girl to feel that everyone is watching her, all the time…and to worry that she may or may not be measuring up. The way she walks, talks, laughs, fixes her hair, raises her hand, and carries her backpack all seem really, really important.

• It’s normal for a girl to feel like the steady ground that was her friendship circle is shifting beneath her feet…or worse, opening into an abyss. Girls who feel they’ve lost something they once had, or who are unsure about which friends to trust, must look around through a different lens than previously. Girls who desire, but lack, one very close friend may say they have no friends at all; they do have people with whom they eat, happily, and classmates with whom they work, happily, but measured against what they want, they feel they have nothing.

• It’s normal for a girl who has never lied before to lie in middle school. She may lie by omission, to make her story more plausible, and she may lie unintentionally, because her perception is only that — perception — and she is not able to see the whole picture. She knows it’s wrong to lie, and she knows you don’t approve of lying.

• It’s normal for her to be tired at the end of the day. And maybe cranky or tearful.

Even an occasional meltdown is normal. She expends a tremendous amount of physical, intellectual, and emotional energy just navigating her day.

• It’s normal for her to be challenged academically and not understand something the first (or second or third) time through, and it’s normal for that lack of understanding to show up on assignments, quizzes, tests, and projects.

Normal and okay.

• It’s normal for her to take that disappointing result on an assignment, quiz, test, or project and magnify its importance to gargantuan levels.

• It’s normal for her to get her feelings hurt.

What’s also normal? Girls bounce back, they move on, they change their priorities, and they mature. And in the process, they learn a lot about themselves and others, they enjoy more days than not, they are supported and guided and nurtured by you and by us. It’s a tough and wonderful age.

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Dear Parents, When you were young, aspects of “who you were” and what it meant to be that person were a mystery to your parents. They weren’t by your side as you ate lunch at school, they didn’t see or hear your interactions with students in classes and hallways, and they couldn’t be privy to the dynamic among you and your teachers.

There is appropriateness to this — each of us develops as an individual apart from our parents — and it can be freeing to consider this idea intentionally!

We don’t need to know all that our children are thinking and doing…much of it is meaningful and important only to them. We don’t need to know every triumph and setback, or every disagreement and giggle between friends. We do not even need to know our daughters’ every hope…articulating and sharing those secrets can cast too harsh a light on tender dreams. We may enjoy knowing, we may wish we knew more, but we don’t need to.

We do, however, need to know when our children need us. (Or, as I prefer to think of it, when to sit back and when to pounce!) We need to know, because we’ve listened and watched and “learned” our children carefully, either how to help or who can help. We need to know that each of our daughters has heard and understood what matters, what her family values, what’s really important at the end of the day.

Perhaps most of all, we need to know we won’t know it all…and trust that our girls will develop wonderfully, as themselves, with our love and support.

We don’t need to know all that our children are thinking and doing… much of it is meaningful and important only to them.

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Dear Parents, When my daughters were infants, I couldn’t imagine what they’d be like as kindergarteners. When they were in kindergarten, middle school seemed like a lifetime away. And, like you, when they were middle school students, I watched for hints of who they were becoming and what they might be like in upper school and beyond.

In retrospect, I realize that I was able to discern much of who they were at their core — their essential characters were taking hold — by middle school. However, the ways in which those essential character and temperament attributes were manifested to me, to others, and even to my daughters themselves were still in flux.

Let me explain…

Last week I spoke individually to a number of junior and senior girls whom I knew from their younger days in grades seven and eight. I asked them how they’d describe themselves “back then,” and how they’d describe themselves now. Here are some of their responses: Student 1 – “I was enthusiastic, but awkward about it. Now I’d say I’m intellectually curious and ambitious. I try new challenges and I’m defining myself.”

Student 2 – “I was shy. Now I’m more confident, and very outgoing.”

Student 3 – “I was curious, but shy. I’ve grown up a lot. I’m more open to people and ideas.”

Student 4 – “I was mean, bratty, and quick to anger. I was also very sensitive to what others said and thought. Now, I worry less about what people think and have more fun. I am nice, and silly and crazy.”

Student 5 – “I was shy and cautious, unsure of myself. Now I’m just not as concerned about what others think of me as I am about what I think.”

Student 6 – “I was awkward and totally weird. Now I’m more confident, and I’m actually the leader of a couple things.”

Awkward enthusiasm grew into ambition. The shy observers figured out how to be more outgoing. The edgy girl who was actually hypersensitive grew to be more comfortable with herself, allowing her to be nicer to others. The uncertain girl grew to trust herself, and the girl with the “weird” interests found others who shared those interests and learned to lead.

I’d be willing to bet their parents knew they had it in them all along!

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BE THE LINE through a series of stages

So, what exactly do the various developmental stages look like from a behavioral standpoint? Every girl is different — some will exhibit most of these, some only a few, and the correlation with chronological age is only a semi-predictable generalization. Nonetheless, falling again under the category of what’s “normal,” it can be reassuring to see some of this in black and white.

Age 10 is a time of relative equilibrium. The friend situation begins to be rather amoeba-like and baffling to observers, and takes on increasing importance. With firm, clear, concrete expectations, your daughter at ten will tend toward good behavior. She is increasingly desirous of developing a sense of accomplishment, i.e., “I am good at _____.”

Age 11 is a time of disequilibrium, of “watching, worrying, striving, needing, bouncing,” as one veteran teacher put it. She can be contrary, oppositional, and egocentric to an extreme. She may engage in cheeky, “smart” talk with parents, and may intentionally set up resistance, just so she can provoke responses that she can then act against. She expects perfection of others, but not herself, and there is much quarreling among intense friendships.

You may hear that she hates school, or at the very least has a lot of opinions about how it ought to be operated. She may display physical anger, more tears, and have great difficulty keeping her emotions under control. She may be under the sway of a friend or group. Her horizon is immediate. The truth is not sacred to 11-year-olds. She is wobbly.

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Age 14 is limbo land — child v. adult, middle school v. upper school, dependent v. independent. She is prone to drama, emotion, exaggeration, and lots of feeling. Her friends are her primary network, her emotional support, her most trusted advisors, and her source of fun, companionship, affection, and understanding. It may be a time for experimentation with ideas/beliefs, approaches to school, clothing, hair/makeup, sex, and alcohol/ other drugs. Watch for sadness that becomes depression. Her combination of her brain + her body + hormones + teen angst can make you feel like you are living with a downed electrical wire.

Remember: at each age and stage, your daughter is able to do more, understand more, and be more “adult-like,” but she’s still new at all of this!

She will have self-confidence crashes, and she is highly vulnerable to criticism.

BE THE LINE...through BE THE LINE...your a series new ofmantra stages

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Dear Parents, Ever wonder about the ways girls of different ages might react to the same, common situations? Even the simplest circumstance can be perceived differently by an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old, and their responses, in turn, provide insight regarding developmental stages. A couple of scenarios follow, accompanied by “typical” reactions that might be witnessed by a fly on the wall.

Scenario 1: Allie and Kate are best friends. At school, though, Kate has started looking for room at Julie’s table; if there isn’t room, she sits with Allie, like always. Allie feels like she’s second best. Why is Kate doing this? How should Allie handle it with Kate?

Responses by age: Age 10: Kate is a bad person. Poor Allie. She should tell the teacher.

Age 11: It doesn’t matter how many people are supposed to be at a table. That’s a stupid rule. Kate should just pull up a chair and sit where she wants. If a teacher asks they’ll just say “Sorry” and say they didn’t know there were too many.

Age 12: Kate could maybe make a plan with Allie?? Like, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays they will sit together, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays Kate could try to sit at Julie’s table?? Or Kate could be extra nice to Allie to make up for it??

Age 13: Kate has a right to make other friends. But…she could end up with nobody!

It would be truly horrible if someone noticed she was trying to sit at Julie’s table and then had to sit with Allie. She needs to plan it ahead of time, texting maybe. She should let Julie know she wants to sit with her. If that doesn’t work, she still has good, ol’ Allie. It’s not fair, though!

Age 14: (With much emotion and drama) Are you kidding? That’s so ridiculous to worry about who sits where. I have my group and I know where we sit, end of story.

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Scenario 2: Connie checks her email at home and sees a group message from someone at school.

The email promises to reveal a secret about someone in her class. Connie thinks, “Cool! Juicy gossip!” and begins reading the message. After two sentences, she realizes the message is about her, and she is horrified.

Responses by age: Age 10: I should not have email, because this would completely confuse me.

Age 11: I should not have email, because I’m already in trouble all the time and I would have no clue what to do if I were Connie and I don’t think my parents would either, and I think I will just get in a fight with them about it or fight with my so-called friends about it. I hate the girls at my school and I am just going to stop talking to everyone and that will show them.

Age 12: (Sadly) I can’t believe this. I would never do something so mean. Now I don’t know whom to trust, and I’m embarrassed. I’m going to write to my friend and ask her to find out why someone started this. I’m so ashamed.

Age 13: (Indignant and worried) I can’t have people believing this and talking about me. My reputation will be ruined. I will have to change schools. But people at other schools probably saw this, too. I need to send something to everyone telling them it’s not true. I will stay up all night writing to people if I have to. If that doesn’t work, I have plenty of juicy gossip of my own to spread. This is SO not fair!

Age 14: (Snarky) Hahahaha!!! So juvenile. I’ll write back and just say, “Yeah, right.”

But I’m not going to hang out with the girl who sent it anymore, ever. And I’m going to get my friends to shun her.

Certainly, the progressions portrayed are simplified and generalized, but two truths remain: every social event and interaction your daughter is aware of warrants thinking, analyzing, and reacting, somehow, if only inside her head. And, keeping her developmental age in mind can help you to remain cool, calm, and collected — assuming you even know about the social events and interactions to begin with!

BE THE LINE...through a series of stages

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Dear Parents, Oh boy, what your daughters know could knock your socks off. I’m not talking about finding the slope of a line or diagramming a sentence. I’m talking about real, nitty gritty wisdom, the kind that comes from having lived on this earth for twelve or thirteen years.

A former student shared the following quotation with me earlier this week: I haven’t a clue as to how my story will end. But that’s all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don’t conclude that the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?

I, in turn, shared the quotation with a dozen or so randomly selected sixth and seventh graders — the middle girls in our middle school. I asked them to respond, immediately and out loud, as they liked: personal reactions, explanations of the words’ meanings, possible connections to their own experiences — all were acceptable. Please enjoy this sampling of their thoughts: • Sometimes when obstacles get in your way you can still see some good in it.

• When life gets harder, stick to your goals and keep persevering.

• You don’t know what’s going to happen, so make every day count.

• You have to take some risks.

• Never give up, never lose hope.

• You’re not supposed to have everything planned; you’re supposed to discover things along the way.

• Live your life — good things come out of hard times.

• When a door closes, a window opens and that’s when you can see the stars.

Good stuff, right? They’re your daughters — I just have the privilege of sharing their days with them!

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The Agnes Irwin School

BE THE LINE to survive the drama

With children at almost any age, it’s not uncommon to hear behavior attributed to “just a phase” she’s going through. Those phases that our daughters experience and that we must navigate with them are actually not arbitrary or entirely unpredictable — all of us made our way through a number of developmental stages as we matured, and at each stage our appearance, conduct, attitudes, and abilities were closely linked to the “jobs” we needed to master before progressing to the next stage.

Each adolescent girl is individuating in the direction of the young woman she soon will be, but the path is nowhere close to linear. At some developmental stages, her challenges will lie more in the realm of cognitive growth, while at other times her energy will be devoted to social-emotional learning.

The physical growth along the way is easiest to see, of course, but all of it — physical, cognitive, and social-emotional — consumes your daughter. She is working hard to discover and become herself, and along the way she’s trying on a variety of ways to do that — she’s searching for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, and that can involve a number of missteps along the way!

The physical jobs at each early adolescent stage are hormone-dictated — they involve all that is associated with becoming a woman.

Cognitive jobs comprise, among others: making choices and decisions, seeing multiple viewpoints, seeing the grey in situations, understanding “fairness,” thinking abstractly, acquiring sophisticated math and language skills, increasing her depth of understanding, and developing the ability to tackle complex challenges.

BE THE LINE...to survive the drama

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Finally,schools Some and justdoasnot critical give as their herstudents physicalletter and cognitive grades atgrowth, the ends is your of terms, but many do. daughter’s social-emotional For most girls, middle work. She school is learning is the first howtime to make whenfriends, they will how have to keep a paper, friends, project, and what or test kind returned of friendtoshe them wishes withto a letter be. She assigned must also to it.

As muchmore become as weand tell more our daughters skilled at and taking students responsibility, that we forgiving, are not looking moving for perfection, on, bouncing weback, are looking speaking forup, effort resolving and progress, conflicts,the demonstrating letter grade empathy, looms large for some. handling teasing, This cooperating, can be particularly compromising, true if aregulating girl is working her emotions, as hard asand she’s able and still communicating hernot feelings. getting the grades for which she hoped. It can also be the case if her friends are doing better than she; despite our admonitions Is it any wonder that the journey is not smooth, not quick, and not always regarding comparing grades to classmates, it happens, and it’s hard to a bed of roses? It’s helpful to keep in mind that in all of the above, your feel you’re coming up short. Finally, some parents are so focused on letter daughter is a rookie. These are new and daunting tasks laid out before her, grades they create anxiety in their daughter, often impacting the grade itself and opting out is not a possibility! That’s where we adults come in. in a negative fashion.

I like to use the analogy of being on board a ship when suddenly, before As with most things, the adult perspective is important for your daughter to your eyes, your daughter falls overboard. When she is ten or eleven years hear. Receiving a “C” is not failing. Receiving a poor grade in a subject doesn’t old, you dive in, grab hold of her, and guide her safely back aboard. When mean, “She’ll never be good at that.” The men and women who teach at the she’s twelve or thirteen, you dive in and swim alongside her, encouraging middle school level expect steps forward and steps backward from your and coaching her all the way. And when she’s fourteen or fifteen, it’s time for daughter, and they rely upon you to help them keep grades from assuming you to stay on board, throw her the life preserver ring, and tell her you have unwarranted importance in her life. confidence in her.

BE THE BE THE LINE...to LINE...your survive new themantra drama

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Dear Parents, I’m about to offer some unsolicited advice. If you’re not in the mood, stop reading!

But first, a couple of test questions…I hope you like multiple choice.

Question #1 Your daughter comes home from school noticeably preoccupied and unhappy. She tells you that her two best friends are fighting and she’s caught in the middle. You: a. Ask for all the details and then say, “Here’s what you should do.” b. Keep doing what you’re doing while you interject an occasional “hmmm” and “that must be tough.” c. Listen to as much as your daughter offers, and provide a framework for her thinking, such as, “You know we always expect you to do the kindest thing,” or “I wonder if you will just have to be patient.” d. Call the moms/dads of the two girls and figure out how to orchestrate some fun time for the three friends.

Answer Key #1 a. You have just told your daughter that you do not believe she is capable of resolving this dilemma on her own. b. Hard for you, but best for her. Even if she makes the “wrong” decision she’ll know more next time around. c. Highly effective if used sparingly. d. Danger! Danger! Not only have you sent the same message as in choice (a), you have just established your reputation among her friends as the mom/dad who minds everybody’s business.

Question #2 Your daughter gets into the car after basketball practice and says she’s going to quit the team because the coach is unfair and hates her. You: a. Go into the school, find the coach, inform her of the problem, and ask what she is going to do about it. b. Say, “I’m surprised,” and wait for your daughter to explain. If she doesn’t, ask her if she can help you understand what’s going on. Listen, with an occasional “hmmm” or “that must be tough” thrown in. c. AFTER she’s eaten/relaxed, provide a framework for her thinking, such as “You know I would expect you to try to work this out before giving up on a commitment,” or “I wonder if there’s some reason I haven’t thought of that the coach is coaching that way.” d. Say, “OK.”

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The Agnes Irwin School

Answer Key #2 a. You have just embarrassed your daughter, put the coach on the defensive, and sent the message that other people must solve your daughter’s problems for her. b. Hard for you, but lets her vent and keeps you off her emotional roller coaster. c. AFTER eating/relaxing is always a better choice than in the heat of the moment, and inviting your daughter to explain the coach’s perspective can be a great exercise if used sparingly. d. Danger! She may take you up on it, quit, and then find herself having to save face by leaving a team she really wants to be on.

So, what’s my advice? Believe me, the irony is not lost on me, but my advice is this: with your middle school daughter, be stingy with advice. She will make some decisions you wouldn’t and some mistakes you could have foreseen; chances are your wisdom came, in part, from making some bad choices yourself.

Finally, consider your reaction to my first sentence in this letter, the one where I warned you of upcoming, unsolicited advice — I bet it didn’t make you all warm and fuzzy. Most of us, when we tell someone about a problem, don’t want that person to solve it for us or even tell us how to solve it ourselves…we just want to tell someone the problem! And now, I’ll follow the corollary to my advice on advice: when offering some, know when to stop.

Be stingy with advice. She will make some decisions you wouldn’t and some mistakes you could have foreseen; chances are your wisdom came, in part, from making some bad choices yourself.

BE THE LINE...to survive the drama

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Dear Parents, “It’s not fair!” Have you heard these words uttered by your middle schooler in recent months? We hear it at school from time to time, and frankly, we expect to! Fairness is an important issue to early adolescents.

Although middle schoolers can be somewhat reactive at times just on general principle, it’s been my experience that the “it’s not fair” complaint typically stems from one of the following four perspectives: 1. Fairness is interpreted by many adolescent girls as “sameness” or “equality.” In fact, though, it is not fair to treat all siblings in the family the same, as if they were cookie cutters of one another, or to have equal expectations for 11-year-olds and 14-year-olds…that would be very unfair.

2. Some middle school girls have only recently discovered the fallibility of the adults in their lives. Some are disappointed by that discovery, some are empowered by it, but many go through at least a period of feeling they can be adults better than the adults themselves. This feeling can lead to a subsequent belief that they, the adolescents, are truly the ones qualified to make judgments, determine fairness, and “keep score.” Sometimes this is true, sometimes it is not.

3. Along with a middle school girl’s growing ability to think abstractly and make conjectures comes an ability to see the “grey areas” in many situations.

Interestingly, those instances where she perceives the grey are often those where the adult is convinced it’s a clear-cut black and white issue, or vice versa! This difference in perceptions can easily lead to questions of fairness.

4. Finally, for many adolescents, “That’s not fair!” translates as “You didn’t hear my side.” Girls who are wrestling with issues of right and wrong or fair and unfair wish to be heard. They may not end up any happier about the decision in question, but they are capable of a conversation that elicits understanding by all parties.

It can be frustrating to hear complaints of unfairness, and sometimes, of course, the only response available is, “You’re right. Sometimes things aren’t fair.” However, seeing “fairness” through the eyes of an adolescent may help you understand the source of the complaint and may, on occasion, help diminish the parental frustration just a bit. After all, that’s only fair!

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, I have been struck recently by the number of conversations I have had with parents about their daughters’ successes and sorrows in the world of friendship, and how many times it is evident to me that either (a) we are raising a girl who is just like we were growing up, and so we wish to save her some trouble and help her navigate, or (b) we are raising a girl who is not at all similar to the way we were growing up and is therefore an ongoing enigma.

When we see ourselves in our children, whether the trait in question is biological or acquired, it is our natural inclination to think we should do everything we can to orchestrate and construct their world in a way that will help them avoid the heartaches we endured. After all, what use were those hard lessons we learned if our children cannot now benefit from them? Alas. It just doesn’t work that way, does it? She has to learn for herself what kind of friend she wants to be and what she is looking for in her friendships; some of that learning will come easily and some will come with pain and disappointment. Abraham Lincoln wrote, “You have to do your own growing up, no matter how tall your grandfather was.”

Having a child who is different in “friend temperament” from the way we were at her age can be unnerving and bewildering. What would have satisfied us leaves her wanting more. What might have made us distraught seems to roll off her shoulders.

These are the times when we are learning to parent as we go, when the child herself is really the teacher and we must follow her lead.

So, which is it for you — are your daughter’s experiences hearkening back to your own middle school friendship adventures, or is she following a path that is foreign to you? Either way, I know your heart rejoices when she is happy and breaks when she is hurting. I leave you with the words of a Scandinavian proverb: “No one knows how children will turn out; a great tree often springs from a tender plant.” Here’s to nurturing those tender plants so that they may grow in a direction that is true and right for each of them.

BE THE LINE...to survive the drama

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Dear Parents, Think back to your own days in middle school. Did anyone say something that hurt your feelings? Did anyone beat you in a game or contest because they cheated?

Were you ditched by a friend, or pushed out of a group? Were you pushed into a locker, or “love bug” punched a little too hard on the arm?

If you can remember these hurts from long ago, it should be no surprise to know that adolescent girls carry these remembered hurts around with them, sometimes for years. At the beginnings of school years, particularly, girls will look around to assess who is in each class with them, and will be reminded again of those who have done her wrong. Truthfully, parents will do the same on Back to School Night, thinking to themselves, “Oh, she has to be in class with that one again.” Those are the moments, especially at the beginning of the year, to forgive.

Why is forgiveness so important? Partly because it’s the way your daughter would hope to be treated, and partly because when we don’t forgive it eats up energy and leaves us bitter. Have you forgiven the person who wronged you way-back-when?

Maybe you can tell your daughter about that when she’s finding it tough to let go of a wrong done to her.

Now think, again, back to your days in middle school, or high school, or sometime more recently when you had to forgive yourself. Maybe you inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings; perhaps you made a poor decision or a foolish purchase; possibly you turned in an effort less than your best and failed at something, or performed poorly, or let someone down. I know you’re terrific people, but surely you’ve had a misstep along the line!

We all know we’re supposed to learn from our mistakes and shortcomings, and we are willing to accept that. But we must forgive ourselves, as your daughter must.

You will have opportunities during her years in middle school to talk to her about forgiving others and forgiving herself — seize them. Help her to see that each day she must go to sleep with herself, wake up with herself, and live her life with others who are just as human as she.

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, There are gazillions of books and articles and blog posts to be had regarding the inevitable conflicts your daughter will confront as she moves through adolescence.

In those gazillions of publications, one can read theories and advice galore, as well as a spectrum of opinions as to what is true bullying, and what is simply mean or awkward behavior. However a parent may label the source of her daughter’s hurt, the fact remains that parental responses matter.

If you believe your daughter to be the victim of intentional, repeated, hurtful behavior at the hands of another who is (or is perceived to be) more powerful than your daughter, stop reading this and confer with her school and/or a health care professional. If, instead, you believe her upset is the result of the mean and awkward stuff that accompanies co-existing with other humans, here is a short list of things to keep in mind: • Your daughter can learn and grow from incidents of conflict and adversity.

• You are a valuable sounding board. She may not want or need more than that.

• Encourage her to consider who else is “there for her,” i.e., her allies. Whom can she trust? Help her see she is not in this alone.

• Gently, but overtly, teach her to consider perspectives other than her own, and to employ empathy for others.

• Use the goal of healthy relationships as a framework. This is what you want for her, this is what she wants for herself; lead her to consider the healthiness of relationships that are painful.

• Guide her in examining choices she has — both in actions and in words. One choice is always to tell an adult, and telling is not tattling. Telling gets people out of trouble or helps them avoid it; tattling is designed to get someone into trouble.

It is never too early to begin developing your daughter’s sense of power in her own life, and to point out that the locus of control lies within her. And, as with so many aspects of parenting, the modeling you present as you interact with others and speak about others is among your most potent tools.

BE THE LINE...to survive the drama

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BE THE LINE on mood swings

Back to that adolescent, female brain. I read once that adolescents are driven by “the tingle of the moment.” Remember: the planning, logical, even rational part of the brain develops last. A lot of what you see with girls in middle school is in reaction to the most recent conversation, social event, quiz announcement, play audition, song release, volleyball tournament, perceived exclusion, etc.

To top matters off, powerful chemicals are flooding your daughter’s brain. “Oh, it’s just her hormones” is not a valid excuse, but it is a hugely valuable explanation to bear in mind. Estrogen, testosterone, FSH, cortisol, progesterone, and prolactin are all ebbing and flowing, and with them her ability to think, feel, react, decide, process, and otherwise resemble the little girl who used to live with you.

Your daughter’s brain is telling her body to grow in new and not entirely happy ways. It is telling her body to prepare for bearing children, when in fact she is still a child herself. It is sending unfamiliar signals to unfamiliar regions, and in learning to recognize and control her new brain and her new body, your daughter may well experience anxiety, shame, sadness, or confusion. She may be smiling up a storm on the outside, but inside her head she may not feel in control, and that can make for some interesting roller-coaster rides for all of you during these years of pubescence.

BE THE LINE...on mood swings

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Dear Parents, I love the work I do. I love the people who teach in middle schools, the curricular opportunities in a middle school program, and most of all, middle school girls. I love to see their growth as students and as people, and I find them truly interesting and fun. I say all of this by way of preface.

I tell you that I love the work I do because I also want to tell you that middle school girls can be frustrating, baffling, misguided, impulsive, insecure, aggravating, exhausting, and a whole bunch of other things. The years between age ten and age fourteen are not easy ones — for the girls, their parents, or those of us who work to support their growth. And all of this I tell you because, mostly, I want to say this: yes, we are talking about your daughter.

It is widely understood that middle school girls have ups and downs, and that they take steps forward and backward. It’s widely understood that they can be angry, then laughing, and then crying, all in the space of a few minutes. It’s widely understood that middle school girls have friend drama, waxing and waning academic motivation, social distraction, inexplicable dives in self-confidence, and selfconsciousness that can reach epic proportions.

And, it’s all widely forgotten when it’s your own daughter.

Knowing all of the above about “middle school girls” in general can be magically erased when your own, very specific middle school daughter goes through rough patches. You find yourself thinking, “Why are all the other girls in her class so mean? And immature? And insensitive?” You find yourself wondering, “Why hasn’t my daughter discovered her passion, thus causing her to jump out of bed every morning?” You ponder, “She’s not the same this week or month as she’s been before — maybe we should look at other schools.” And you worry, “Is she being challenged enough? Is she being challenged too much? Will she be successful?”

So, I do love my job, and you love your daughter. And part of my job is to remind you not to throw in the towel, not to panic, and not to predict high school or college or life success based on middle school…really…we’ve seen this before, and she’ll be great!

BE BETHE THELINE...your LINE...on mood new mantra swings

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Dear Parents, Some girls cry often and easily, some rarely. Some experience days or weeks when the slightest affront elicits dinner table sobbing, while others will only cry in the privacy of their rooms. During the middle school years, some girls will do more crying than at any time since infancy, and perhaps more than they will do in the entirety of their adult lives. Based on your daughter’s history with crying, and the frequency with which it now occurs, you may find those tears alarming, irritating, devastating, or bewildering.

I urge you to keep in mind that her crying may not, in fact, be hugely significant.

It could be simple fatigue, frustration, or “downloading” at the end of a long day.

However, don’t assume that crying is insignificant — your daughter may be hurt beyond words, or feel safe enough to let some serious feelings come to the surface.

Do listen, allow her to cry without judgment, and try to figure out if the tears are of the first type or the second; determining that may require a little distance or time.

In either case, the situation almost always benefits from some sleep for all parties.

“The best advice,” it’s said, “is found on the pillow.”

During the middle school years, some girls will do more crying than at any time since infancy, and perhaps more than they will do in the entirety of their adult lives.

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, When I was younger, the following verse by Robinson Jeffers was a favorite of mine: It would be better for men to be few and live far apart, where none could infect another; then slowly the sanity of field and mountain, and the cold ocean and glittering stars might enter their minds.

When my life is particularly harried, I think of this short poem. I don’t consider myself a hermit at heart, but the appeal of quiet time, time to sort and reflect, is great. Time and distance have become luxuries for many of us as adults, and I worry that the same can be said for our children.

Adolescents are receiving new information about themselves and the world around them on a daily basis; there is much that simply has to be digested — one incident, one fact, one emotion at a time. When your middle school daughter seems beside herself, or feels like things are crashing in on her, I hope that you can support her in orchestrating some down time. Some “time off,” even an hour or two, may be just the ticket; the temporary retreat from peers and activities can provide renewed energy and a clearer perspective.

BE THE LINE...on mood swings

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BE THE LINE on learning and grades

Some schools do not give their students letter grades at the ends of terms, but many do. For most girls, middle school is the first time when they will have a paper, project, or test returned to them with a letter assigned to it.

As much as we tell our daughters and students that we are not looking for perfection, we are looking for effort and progress, the letter grade looms large for some. This can be particularly true if a girl is working as hard as she’s able and still not getting the grades for which she hoped. It can also be the case if her friends are doing better than she; despite our admonitions regarding comparing grades to classmates, it happens, and it’s hard to feel you’re coming up short. Finally, some parents are so focused on letter grades they create anxiety in their daughter, often impacting the grade itself in a negative fashion.

As with most things, the adult perspective is important for your daughter to hear. Receiving a “C” is not failing. Receiving a poor grade in a subject doesn’t mean, “She’ll never be good at that.” The men and women who teach at the middle school level expect steps forward and steps backward from your daughter, and they rely upon you to help them keep grades from assuming unwarranted importance in her life.

BE THE LINE...on learning and grades

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Dear Parents, Question: When is a grade just a grade?

Answer: Always.

A grade is a measure, in various ratios, of daily preparation, participation, effort, skill mastery, and performance on assessments, all within the narrow context of a particular course’s scope and sequence. Period. It is not a reflection of character, or potential promise, or even, necessarily, of ability. It does not, in and of itself, unerringly predict success the following term, the following year, in college, in a career, or in life. It is not a measure of your daughter’s worth, though sadly, too often this is forgotten.

High grades are pleasing and gratifying — for parents and students alike — no question about it. Less-than-perfect grades can be an accurate reflection of current mastery of material, can be a signal that more or different preparation is needed, can truly be the best that student is able to do at that time in the course, can be all sorts of things. But they are still grades, and that’s all they will ever be.

A science or English grade of “C” does not make a child a grade “C” human being, any more than a math or history grade of “A” makes her an “A” human being. If you believe this and agree with me, does your daughter know how you feel? Don’t fret about loss of motivation — your daughter will still want those good grades, and a healthy perspective may even help!

A science or English grade of “C” does not make a child a grade “C” human being, any more than a math or history grade of “A” makes her an “A” human being.

BE THE LINE...on learning and grades

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Dear Parents, Say I went on a pretty darn good vacation. Say we had some very good meals, the scenery was quite nice, the pace was relaxed, and the costs were generally reasonable. However, the hotel employees were a little rude, we had difficulty getting hot water in our shower, and there was a large fire on the pool deck one night because of some safety short-cuts taken by a few of those hotel employees. I’d give the vacation a B-.

Say I saw a movie that was fabulous. The acting was superb, the images were breathtaking and remain with me weeks later, and the plot has kept me thinking and reflecting. I’d give the movie an A. Finally, say I went to a restaurant and was really disappointed. They had a vegetable soup that a lot of patrons were raving about, but it tasted nothing like my mom’s.

Other people appeared comfortable, but I thought it was quite chilly in the dining room. The tablecloths and napkins were all teal-colored, and I hate teal. I’d give it an F. When asked about the vacation, the restaurant, or the movie, giving you the grade alone would not tell the entire story, would it? You’d want to know what I took away from the movie, or what I learned from my vacation experience, or why the popular restaurant just didn’t work for me. And so it goes, I hope, when we look at course grades with our daughters. What was a favorite activity this term in this class? What is something big you learned (even if it was a hard lesson)? What would be helpful for me to know that I can’t tell just from the grade?

Every grade tells a story — a story of successes and shortfalls, a story of ups and downs and skills acquired and room for growth. I encourage you to encourage your daughter to tell you the stories behind the grades, as there will be learning for her in that telling.

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, I subscribe to a monthly newsletter titled, “The Brilliant Report,” by Annie Murphy Paul. Each month, Paul explores and reports upon current research related to learning. This month, the bulk of the first paragraph read as follows: Allowing learners to struggle will actually help them learn better, according to research…investigations find that while the model adopted by many teachers and employers when introducing others to new knowledge — providing lots of structure and guidance early in, until the students or works show that they can do it on their own — makes intuitive sense, it’s not the best way to promote learning. Rather, it’s better to let neophytes wrestle with the material on their own for a while, refraining from giving them assistance at the start.

Oh, boy, I thought as I read. I believe this. What I’ve seen for years in classrooms supports this research, without question. For new material and increasingly complex material, initial learning may involve discomfort that should not necessarily be soothed. But my “Oh, boy” response lies in what I have also experienced for years: it is really, really difficult for parents to see their daughters in discomfort. After all, isn’t it a good parent’s job to advocate for and support a daughter so that she experiences only smooth sailing?

I even wrote to Ms. Paul. “Enjoyed your latest article,” I said, “but teachers and I have difficulty convincing parents of this.” I hoped she’d write back with the magic words I could employ, and my newsletter for this week would be finished. Alas, Ms. Paul’s response stated that she often heard from teachers and administrators that parents are not comfortable when their kids are struggling, and that some are more successful at resisting the urge to swoop in and make everything better than others.

So, no magic words, but I will paraphrase a bit more of the research findings, and invite you to consider them prior to swooping: Struggles while learning “lead people to understand the deep structure of problems, not simply their correct solutions.” When these students encounter problems of the same type in a future situation, they are better able to transfer and apply their learning than students who were the passive recipients of someone else’s expertise.

And, research concludes, the students who struggled significantly outperformed those who didn’t.

We don’t like to fail, and we don’t like to see people we care about fail, but challenges that are developmentally appropriate, that provide opportunities to consider, to wrestle with good and bad solutions, to reflect upon “what works,” allow girls to master life in ways that don’t occur without the speed bumps. By definition, discomfort is uncomfortable! When it comes to learning, however, we would all benefit by becoming just a little more comfortable with it, as the outcome of struggle can be triumph.

BE THE LINE...on learning and grades

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Dear Parents, “Will this be on the test?” This is a familiar question to most middle school teachers, and one that many of us probably asked our own teachers at some point in time.

Often we knew in advance how we would be tested — multiple choice (which I truly despised), short answer, essay — and how much it would “count.” We almost certainly knew when the test would begin and how long it would last, and, in the end, we knew exactly how well we’d done.

Our middle schoolers will be tested many, many times each year, but the tests will not always be of the paper and pencil variety, and they won’t always be announced or scored. In fact, given their age, the tests for which adolescents prepare may be the least important in their progress as young women. A very partial list of some critical — and extremely private — tests that will challenge our students would read something like this: • How can I keep my temper with the classmate who’s been annoying me for two years now?

• How can I deal with friends when I can’t stand the way they’re acting?

• How can I work with a teacher who would definitely not have been my first choice?

• How can I feel okay about the way I look/walk/act/laugh/think when it’s not anything like the way I wish I could be?

• How can I keep trying to understand stuff in science (or Latin, or English) when I’m sure I’ll never get it?

• How can I walk away from texts and posts and photos that seem to be everywhere, and sometimes hurt my feelings?

• How can I bounce back from an incredibly awful grade/game/day?

Funny thing — these tests sound a lot like real life. As parents we are diligent about monitoring our children’s efforts and results that show up on the report card, because that’s what school is supposed to be about. But school is life for your child, and tests of patience, perseverance, and resilience go on the really permanent record!

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, During a recent vacation I had the pleasure of viewing an exhibition of book illustrations by Salvador Dali. Dali was a Surrealist, an artist whose works featured oddly grouped, often distorted, and even more often surprising combinations of objects. Though the subjects of the illustrations (e.g., Alice in Wonderland, Don Quixote) were familiar to me, Dali’s images provoked close scrutiny, occasional squinting, frequent confusion, distaste and delight. This was an exhibit that could not be passively observed — it was necessary to jump in and play along with each picture.

Games, playfulness, and openness to unexpected outcomes were integral to the work of Surrealists, and the exhibit I attended included hands-on games and activities that invited patrons to play with props and art materials. One that I tried involved a large, wooden box, about two feet tall, with a layer of paper hidden on the bottom and a couple of slits cut in the top. I used a cue-style stick with a crayon on its end to draw inside the box, unable to see what I was drawing or fully control the yard-long crayon. It was silly and frustrating, and it forced me to be random and freer in my composition. I pulled the paper out of the bottom when I was finished, and what I saw made me smile. It was not something I would have created intentionally, but it was original and dynamic and it made me smile.

Recently, in a conversation about our desire to encourage girls to take risks in their learning, to be unafraid of making mistakes, and to grow from the process as much as the outcome, one of our teachers stated, “Students should be comfortable with the idea that at times it is okay if they don’t completely understand something. We have to encourage them to ‘play’ with an idea and work at finding solutions.” Our girls want to do well, and that is what we want for them, of course. But original thinking, creative problem solving, depth of understanding, synthesis and analysis…all of these will be required of them in their grown-up lives, and often they are achieved by muddling, untangling, tinkering, stumbling, erasing, reframing, questioning, turning upside down, and yes, playing. Extraordinary results await.

Students should be comfortable with the idea that at times it is okay if they don’t completely understand something.

BE THE LINE...on learning and grades

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BE THE LINE on risky behavior

There is no question that your adolescent daughter’s expanding horizons and ability to see possibilities, coupled with her tendency toward impulse and emotion, make her vulnerable to risks and mistaken judgments that are not healthy. Certainly, this is a time in her development when her parents’ expectations, and the consequences of not meeting them, need to be clear to your daughter. Additionally, the modeling you provide as she works on being more and more adult-like becomes as critical as ever.

BE BE THE THE LINE...on LINE...your risky new behavior mantra

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Dear Parents, Yesterday my cell phone rang during the workday — almost always a signal that a family member is trying to reach me. The caller i.d. told me it was my daughter Luisa, and when I said, “Hello,” she replied, “Would you or Dad ever have let me or Anna play with a dead squirrel?” The funny thing is, I simply responded without missing a beat, because I get calls like that from my daughters! It’s not unusual for them to have conversations with each other or with me about how we raised them, choices we made, and why. They are often able to answer their own questions with, “I know you would (or wouldn’t) have done X, Y, or Z because you thought/felt/believed such and such.”

Why share this with you? To reinforce the fact that as they are growing up, whether it is evident or not, your daughters are watching, listening, and evaluating the choices you are making…and they are filing that information away! Specifically, I share this perspective with you because, before you know it, your daughters will be drivers.

Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens, accounting for more than one in three deaths in this age group. The risk of motor vehicle crashes is higher among 16-year-olds to 19-year-olds than among any other age group. And compared with other all other age groups, teens have the lowest rate of seat belt use (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).

Your daughter, right now, is learning your expectations about vehicle safety. She is learning it by whether or not you insist on buckled seat belts for everyone in the car, how you respond to other drivers who cut you off or drive too slowly, whether you speak on your phone or text while driving, and so on. What adults model behind the wheel will contribute to what our girls expect of themselves and their passengers.

[A side note: I told Luisa I might have allowed them to touch a dead squirrel if they were wearing gloves. When my husband heard about it last night, he said there was no way he would have allowed them near it! I guess it’s a good thing we never had to model squirrel-handling behavior.]

What adults model behind the wheel will contribute to what our girls expect of themselves and their passengers.

BE BE THE THE LINE...on LINE...your risky new behavior mantra

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Dear Parents, Some middle school girls are drinking.

Many of our students are not consuming alcohol, and in fact are vehement about their convictions that they will not; they say, “It’s stupid,” “It’s gross,” “I never will.”

And yet, like their peers nationwide, large numbers of them will change their minds in the next year or two.

From The Adolescent Substance Abuse Knowledge Base: Some studies suggest that there could be as many as four million alcoholics under the age of 18, three years younger than the legal drinking age. The age when children begin drinking alcohol has decreased over the last few decades.

Many children are already experimenting with alcohol in the fifth grade, many more than were just ten years ago when teens were more likely to start drinking in eighth or ninth grade. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 40% of ninth-graders report that they tried alcohol before the age of 13 and had used alcohol within the past month.

The pressure, the temptation, the curiosity — all are powerful forces, and all must be met head-on with factual information and strong, clear communication from parents and schools.

So, here are some of the facts: • The alcohol content of a shot of hard liquor is about the same as a 12-ounce beer or a glass of wine. In some girls’ minds, beer and wine are “not as bad” as liquor.

• Teens will tend to get drunker than adults on the same amount of alcohol, due to metabolic differences associated with their age. What the 25-year-old liver can handle is far different from what the 14-year-old liver can accommodate.

• The younger a person is when they start to drink the greater the chance is that they will develop a drinking problem; teenagers become addicted to alcohol more easily and more quickly than adults.

• Teens under the influence of alcohol will sometimes make decisions about sex, driving and/or riding with others under the influence, or illegal activities (e.g., shoplifting) that are contrary to the decisions they would make otherwise.

• The overall death toll from alcohol-related injuries and health problems is much greater than for heroin, crack, and cocaine combined, largely because alcohol abuse is enormously more common…it simply doesn’t get the same media coverage as more sensational drugs.

Alcohol is the drug of choice among adolescents. Perhaps you’ve already had conversations with your daughter about underage drinking; perhaps you’ve been putting it off. There is no time like the present for helping her to understand your family’s expectations.

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, Ever since my daughters could walk, my husband has been hiking with them.

I’ve gone along at times, but I like the fact that this is a father-daughter tradition… and, I have ankles of jelly. Some of their hikes were easy strolls, others were pretty rigorous and “into the wilds.”

My husband’s mantra with our daughters, which they could recite to you in their sleep, was “Always have a way out.” When hiking, you need to be aware of where you are, the landmarks you are passing, and what lies ahead on the path in terms of obstructions or bears! Additionally, one’s muscles are more tired on the return leg of the hike, so it’s important to keep in mind, as you push farther and farther on, that you must account for hiking back out to the trailhead.

Hiking, climbing, exploring new territory, being alert and present — this topic is rife with metaphors for adolescence, school, and life. However, for me, the words “Always have a way out” hold a different connotation. As your girls move through middle school and into upper school, I believe it is important for them to be armed, in advance, with responses to uncomfortable or risky situations; in other words, they may need a way out.

Perhaps you want to have a conversation with your daughter about how to extricate herself from a group that is gossiping or discussing a topic in which she doesn’t care to engage. Talk with her about some possible scenarios and ask her to come up with a phrase or two that feel right. (This is good to do when she’s in the car or at the dinner table — captive!) Maybe it’s time for you to work with her to come up with a good response to use if she’s offered alcohol, a cigarette, or other drugs. Most importantly, in my estimation, is establishing a way for her to alert you to the fact that she needs to be “rescued” from a social situation.

When a girl is at a sleepover, a dance, or a party, and things are going in a direction that doesn’t feel right, the last thing she wants to do in front of her friends is call and say, “Dad, I want to come home,” or “Mom, please pick me up now.” To ease this circumstance, I recommend devising an agreed-upon message — one that will allow your daughter to save face and allow you to come to her aid. For what it’s worth, my girls decided that they would call to say, “We forgot to feed the dogs!” My husband or I would then angrily rebuke them for shirking their family responsibilities and insist that they pack up because we were coming to get them immediately. They could then let their friends know that their parents were mad and that they had to leave…they could even complain about how unfair it all was. That was the plan — we never had to use it, but we all felt better having it in place!

BE THE LINE...on risky behavior

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BE THE LINE on family time

There are so many random, unexpected events and circumstances that surface during your daughter’s early adolescent years, and it seems that as soon as you’ve figured out how to navigate a particular challenge she’s moved on to a new one! It would be great if you could freeze-dry children at each age and stage, savor that “now” in their growing up, and then rehydrate when you’re ready to move on. Alas.

Instead, as I see them progressing from little girls to young women, I force myself to pause as often as I can to witness your daughters’ moments, unencumbered by what was or what will be. Really, I think Ferris Bueller said it best: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” I encourage you to relish exactly who your daughter is, letting go of backward regrets and resisting the tug of anticipating tomorrow. Savor, and consider: Your daughter will never be this age again. If she worries or frustrates or annoys you, she’s not always going to be this way. If she can’t make a decision or keep her room clean or entertain herself for longer than seven minutes, she’s not always going to be this way. And if she’s moody, or her tastes in friends, fashion, and pastimes change too often for you to track, she’s not always going to be this way. Have faith.

BE THE LINE...on family time

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Similarly, your daughter will never be this age again. Carve out some time together. Though you may have nodded in recognition to all of the challenges noted above, it’s also true that she’s not always going to smile and giggle and think and hug and listen and speak the way she does now. She’s not always going to have the same inexplicable passions and tastes, and the same zero-to-sixty enthusiasms, or the same way of seeing the world and allowing you to see it that way with her.

Grab onto this time, and hold it for all it’s worth. I wish you many splendid moments!

BE THE LINE..on family time

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Dear Parents, It is believed that the first stamp collector was a young girl, somewhere in England, who collected the three stamps available to her in 1841. Coin collecting is called the hobby of kings. Baseball cards, decorative spoons from various states, seashells and interesting rocks have been collected by boys and girls for years, but almost anything that your daughter finds intriguing can be the start of a collection. A brief internet search clued me in to the fact that there are folks out there who collect, among other things, back scratchers, sugar packets, fish posters, air sickness bags, moist towelettes, and — my favorite — navel fluff.

What’s so great about a collection? Collections can evoke memories of places, people, and periods of time that brought pleasure to your daughter. They can spur her interest in history, geography, science, or the natural world. A collection can be shared with friends and family, allowing her to reveal and articulate a personal interest or passion. Or, when she tires of sharing and articulating, she can spend hours quietly engaged on her own. Keeping her eyes out for new additions, making decisions about what is “worthy,” saving money for building the collection and determining how to display her finds can capture the energy and enthusiasm of many girls of middle school age. A collection is all her own.

Any time is a good time for your daughter to begin a fun or serious collection she can call her own. Ask her about it, and if it piques her imagination, consider helping her get started!

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, Looking for a great way to spend some inexpensive time with your daughter? Time that will often provide a great vehicle for shared laughter, shared tears, or shared conversation? Watch a movie together! I am a big fan of watching movies with daughters. How you react, how they react, and how it comes up later in surprising ways can be highly instructive to all involved. And, it’s easy.

The wealth of movies from which to choose is enormous, of course. Pick one out together, or go with her suggestion. Or, share one that was a favorite of yours when you were her age! In no particular order, here are a few to get you thinking: Akeelah and the Bee; Remember the Titans; Holes; It’s a Wonderful Life; Rudy; Contact; Fly Away Home; Cool Runnings; Music of the Heart; E.T.; Goonies; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants; The Parent Trap.

Don’t forget the popcorn, hot chocolate with marshmallows, or junior mints.

Watch a movie together! I am a big fan of watching movies with daughters. How you react, how they react, and how it comes up later in surprising ways can be highly instructive to all involved.

BE THE LINE...on family time

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Dear Parents, Several summers ago, my father’s and my paths converged unexpectedly in St. Louis, the city he and I still consider home. Usually, when Dad was there visiting, he booked every waking moment with friends and family. This time, however, he found himself with an open afternoon, and he decided to take himself on what he called a “nostalgia trip,” a drive-by tour of every apartment and house he had ever occupied, beginning with the one in which he was born in 1914. The next day he told me about it.

Amazingly, every building my dad set out to find was still standing and occupied, and as he told me about where each one was, what the neighborhoods had been like, who else had been a part of his household at each address, he was smiling a million-dollar smile. Dad’s family did not have money — his father was a tailor, both of his parents were Russian immigrants — and the Depression hitting when he was a teenager meant his dropping out of high school to help support the family. But the anecdotes and descriptions that had been stirred by his “nostalgia trip” were rich in every other way; I loved hearing even the littlest bits and pieces he recalled.

My own two daughters regularly ask questions about when I was their age, or about my siblings and parents when we were all a lot younger. They, too, hang on every morsel of information I dispense — not just because it gives them a sense of who I was, but also because it gives them a sense of who they are. Often, their responses will involve some sort of exercise in compare and contrast, i.e., “We’re just like that,” or “We’re not like that at all.” Either way, they eat it up.

If an occasional bit of reminiscing out loud is not already a part of your parenting repertoire, I recommend it! Have your kids seen the various places you’ve lived, or heard about what got you into trouble at school? Do they know about your first job, what you wanted to be when you grew up, or the names of your best friends?

Don’t rehearse it or schedule it, but when opportunities to share some of your past present themselves, grab them! Those memories you’ve tucked away will be hidden treasures for your children.

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, I have an assignment for you to tackle with your daughter. Don’t laugh — I’m serious! But don’t worry too much, either — completing this assignment should prove enjoyable.

Take a look at the three options below and pick the one that appeals most to you.

Then, sometime soon, when you are in the car or at the dinner table or going through the bedtime routine, have at it: 1. Ask your daughter who her heroes are and tell her who yours were when you were young. (You may need to explain the difference between celebrity status and hero status.) Tell her, too, if you have any heroes now, and what makes them heroic in your eyes.

2. Tell your daughter about a time when you were middle-school age and you messed up or got in trouble or failed at something. This one will be remembered, I promise you.

3. Does your daughter know what you wanted to be when you grew up? If that wish came true, did you ever waver? If it didn’t come true, how/why did you end up in a different place?

I really hope you’ll try one of these. You can blame it on me!

BE THE LINE...on family time

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Dear Parents, What is a hero? Is it someone with superhero powers? Is it the celebrity who shows us only her carefully crafted public persona but inspires envy and admiration? Are heroes even real, or are they simply fictional creations?

It’s natural to think of a hero as someone quite distant from our own, ordinary lives. We may imagine someone who finds herself in a do-or-die situation and somehow musters the courage or strength to come to the rescue, white steed and all. Alternatively, we might consider a hero the individual who quietly and selflessly lives a lifetime in service to others. To be heroic is such a big idea, the sheer scale of it doesn’t seem to fit within our daily experiences. But how big does the act or the person have to be? Can there not be smaller, less dramatic acts of heroism?

It’s true that a hero acts without expecting to get something out of it. It’s also true that there is typically some courage required, as there is risk in being heroic.

The hero who runs into a burning building risks life and limb, while the altruistic servant-leader may risk a compromised income or standard of living. Typically, our students are not faced with these threats to their physical safety or quality of life.

For an adolescent, however, one of the greatest risks can be loss of peer approval or social relationships: If I stand up for this other girl, will I lose my friends? If I speak in favor of something not considered cool, will I be laughed at? If I take a stand that’s different from some of my more powerful classmates, will I be slammed online and in text messages?

Taking on these truly scary risks requires courage — they represent small acts of heroism, in fact. Inviting a lone girl to share your lunch table, shutting down gossip, allowing a peer to grow and change from who she was in third or fourth grade, and standing by a friend when others are not are all heroic actions.

Ask yourself: Can I recall a time when a classmate or a colleague was a hero for me?

Can I recall a time when I was the hero, making even a small difference in another’s life? These are powerful moments — moments that satisfy very basic desires to be known and to contribute. I urge you to find an opportunity to ask your daughter these questions, leading her to consider those moments when she might be the hero for someone else.

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The Agnes Irwin School

Dear Parents, Research tells us, overwhelmingly, that whether or not it is apparent to us as parents, adolescents do listen to our words and store them for later use and reflection. Yes, there may be “push back” at the time (and I use push back broadly!), but parental opinions, expectations, and values form a significant portion of the sound track your daughter will carry with her through the challenging times that lie ahead.

That said, those opinions, expectations, and values do not always need to be said — they can be written. A note to your daughter, left in her backpack or on her pillow, will be read, digested, re-read, and most likely saved. Many of us have interior conversations with our daughters, mulling over those things we’d like to say or like her to hear and know. The occasional handwritten note allows you to share your thoughts and feelings in a considered fashion and allows her to read them in the same manner.

Research tells us, overwhelmingly, that whether or not it is apparent to us as parents, adolescents do listen to our words and store them for later use and reflection.

BE THE LINE...on family time

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Dear Parents, It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day juggling and running and putting out fires that constitute parenting. You may occasionally hear ideas from others with similarly aged daughters and think, “Maybe I ought to be doing that,” or “Starting this summer, or next school year, or once my daughter is X years old, I’ll put that in place.” Below are some simple, easy-to-execute practices that can be put into place sooner, rather than later.

Ten things you can do right now: • Enforce a bedtime.

• Get rid of TV during the week. At the least, ensure no TV or other media viewing in the 30 minutes prior to bedtime, as this will allow her brain to settle.

• Know how and when your daughter is using the computer. If you don’t know how to check her history, learn how.

• If your daughter has a cell phone/smart phone for emergency reasons — the only reason a middle school girl needs a phone — have it live in the kitchen or your room at night. As with her computer, know how she is using her phone, and discuss clearly and directly what is acceptable.

• Teach her how to use the washing machine and dryer.

• Give her a weekly chore and hold her accountable.

• To the extent possible, have a predictable schedule and routine for weekdays.

• If she doesn’t have some unscheduled, free time in her seven-day week, help her to make some choices about how to re-establish a balance of work, play, and quiet.

• When she comes to you with a problem, don’t solve it. Coach her, or simply listen.

• Hug her, every day, without fail.

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The Agnes Irwin School

Keep Reading!

Many of us read lots and lots of books about raising children when our daughters were on their way to our families, and when they were infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. We read about how to care for their physical needs, what they should eat and when, how to get them to sleep, and how to approach potty training. As our children age, however, we tend to read fewer and fewer parenting books, perhaps because our daughters are out of the “how to” stage and moving through the “how come” stage!

I have some favorite titles that I would like to bring to your attention, but I urge you to visit a bookstore – either real or virtual — and see if there are others that might support you. Here are mine: • Your Ten- to Fourteen-Year-Old, by Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg, and Sidney M. Baker, The Gesell Institute of Human Development, 1988.

(Developmental ages and stages, the classic) • The Teen Years Explained, by Clea McNeely and Jayne Blanchard, Johns Hopkins University, 2009.

(Owner’s manual) • The Drama Years, by Haley Kilpatrick, Founder of Girl Talk, Free Press, 2012.

(Social and family relationships, stress, body image) • The Parent’s Tao Te Ching, by William Martin, Da Capo Press, 1999.

(Words of calm, perspective, and wisdom) • Good Influence: Teaching the Wisdom of Adulthood, by Daniel R. Heischman, Morehouse Publishing, 2009.

(Thoughtful reflection on being a parent, role model, mentor)

The Agnes Irwin School

The Agnes Irwin School has been a leader in fostering the intellectual and personal growth of girls and young women since 1869. Founded by Miss Agnes Irwin, the first Dean of Radcliffe College and the great-great granddaughter of Benjamin Franklin, our legacy of excellence in all-girls’ education has been evident for over a century and continues to enable girls and young women to achieve their best.

Agnes Irwin was one of the first schools in the United States devoted to the education of girls and young women, and today our leadership is demonstrated through signature initiatives such as our Center for the Advancement of Girls.

This collaborative initiative focuses — through research, programs, and community engagement — on four domains of girls’ lives: leadership, wellness, global citizenship, and teaching and learning in the 21st century.

Agnes Irwin, conveniently located in the western suburbs of Philadelphia, is a nonsectarian college preparatory day school for girls in Pre-Kindergarten through 12th grade. With an enthusiastic student body of more than 700 girls, Agnes Irwin provides a lively and stimulating educational environment in which to work and to learn. More than 160 dedicated administrators, faculty, and staff work in wideranging and creative ways to fulfill the school’s mission “to empower girls to learn, to lead, and to live a legacy.”

MIDDLE SCHOOL VALUES STATEMENT The AIS Middle School community embraces respect, honesty, dedication, and understanding. Through these core values, we build positive relationships, develop intellectual curiosity, and encourage creative expression so that we may thrive in and contribute to a diverse world.

About the Author

Lynne D. Myavec was born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri, and she remains proud of her “midwestern sensibility” to this day. She is the youngest of four siblings and the product of parents who pretty much believed she could go, be, and do whatever she liked, wherever she chose. Having that blue sky, carte blanche future ahead of her, Lynne did a whole lot of observing as she grew up, watching the ways other kids acted, and the ways parents, teachers, and other adults did their jobs. Inevitably, those observations led her to wonder how she would contribute, and inevitably, her wondering led her to a keen, life-long interest in children and families.

Despite significant and enjoyable forays into the fields of literature and science (a degree in English from Fontbonne University, post-graduate work in the sciences at St. Louis University and the University of Missouri), Lynne’s professional life has centered on children — their ages and stages, their learning, their relationships — and specifically, on adolescents. She feels privileged to have spent nearly forty years in their company.

The Agnes Irwin School empowers girls to learn, to lead, and to live a legacy.

Ithan Avenue and Conestoga Road Rosemont, PA 19010-1042 610.525.8400 agnesirwin.org

Š2015 THE AGNES IRWIN SCHOOL