Tulsa by Mohammad Alauddin

Tulsa Marriage Solutions of

Issuu 1 â&#x20AC;˘ Feb 2015

Questions to Ask When Looking for a Couples Therapist

How To Get Out of Negative Cycles When They Are Happening: Is Being Co-Dependent Really A BAD Thing?

Pursuers and Distancers

Negative Cycles, Pursuers, Distancers Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

Index 2

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Article heading here At Marriage Solutions, we do see individuals from time to time whose spouse has left them or who have been caught in an affair or have been betrayed, we do this to help manage the crisis, provide education on what may be helpful to resolve the crisis, but it is something that is typically short term. Contemporary couple therapy experts don’t recommend treating couples by working with individuals in isolation. Without both people in the room it’s difficult to change that relationship. You should be cautious of a therapist who says, “If your spouse won’t come to counseling, we should begin anyway until they decide to join us.” I consider

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Editors Note

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Something the general public doesn’t understand is that couples therapy is vastly different from individual therapy. It’s has completely different methods and theories. One can be a superior individual therapist but a weak couples therapist. It is important to find a therapist you can trust with your marriage. Does the couples therapist you’re looking at invest time and energy in developing themselves for is it something that they do with a bunch of other stuff? A therapist who has a license to practice isn’t enough. You should be wary of therapists who are still practicing what they learned in school even 5 years ago. When you ask a therapist about his/her training, they may mention they went to grad school and have a license, but they should also talk about other training they have received in the years since. All of our therapist at Marriage Solutions have advanced training in working with couples. Some therapists take a home study course to improve their skills, doing that isn’t good enough for your relationship, you deserve better from the person who works on your relationship. We’ve actually spent thousands of dollars and traveled to places like Chicago and Houston to learn from the best. You’ll have a far different experience with someone who has put their time and money where their mouth is. Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

Questions to Ask When Looking for a Couples Therapist 1 What Kind of Training Have You Had in Couple Therapy since School?

working with couples. Some therapists take a home study course to improve their skills, doing that isn’t good enough for your relationship, you deserve better from the person who works on your relationship. We’ve actually spent thousands of dollars and traveled to places like Chicago and Houston to learn from the best. You’ll have a far different experience with someone who has put their time and money where their mouth is. We’ve taken great strides to be excellent at what we do, because when you’re looking for help, you need the therapist to deliver, and we understand that. 70% of therapist say they do couples counseling, but only 17% have any form of advanced training. You can relax at Marriage Solutions knowing you are in good hands.

. What Approach Do You Use in Couple Therapy? At Marriage Solutions we believe if you’re going to put your relationship and money in the hands of a professional,

you should know that the therapist is working from a clinical approach that has been research tested and demonstrated positive results.

We use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy because it has strong research showing that 86%-90% of couples make significant improvement and 75% fully recover after a 5 month period. As it currently stands EFT is the best method of couples therapy. If you’re considering couples counseling make sure your therapist has extensive training in EFT. Another popular method is Behavioral Couples Therapy, which unfortunately only has about 35% of couples improving. It helps some couples, but in our opinion that isn’t good enough. And we hope that isn’t good enough for you either. Another method that is popular is the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, as it currently stands there is no research published on how effective the method is, sadly many therapists use that model because its easy to learn but their is no research to document its effectiveness.

. How many couples do you see a week?

This is a telling figure. It will tell you if your therapist specializes or only says they do. You want a therapist that sees 15 couples a week or more, because that speaks volumes about their experience. It’s worth finding a therapist who focuses just on couple’s issues.

. Do You Mainly Meet with Partners as a Couple or as Individuals?

At Marriage Solutions, we do see individuals from time to time whose spouse has left them or who have been caught in an affair or have been betrayed, we do this to help manage the crisis, provide education on what may be helpful to resolve the crisis, but it is something that is typically short term. Contemporary couple therapy experts don’t recommend treating couples by working with individuals in isolation. Without both people in the room it’s difficult to change that relationship. You should be cautious of a therapist who says, “If your spouse won’t come to counseling, we should begin anyway until they decide to join us.” I consider that short sighted and dangerous simply because your spouse may feel like they are walking into a trap if they do decide to go with you to a counselor you’ve already developed a relationship with.

. What Kind of Advice Will I Get?

You will get advice that is: • Advice current with contemporary experts in couples therapy. • Advice that is pro your relationship working out. • Advice that is respectful of your religious beliefs. Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

Any Love quote here

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How To Get Out of Negative Cycles When They Are Happening:

uy now you’ve probably noticed how the negative cycles has effected your relationship and keeps you stuck in a rut with your partner. By now you are familiar with your and partner’s roles and positions in the negative cycle. Negative cycles have a way of feeling very predictable. You’ll need to re-watch the Emotion Video and get familiar with the process of sharing your emotion with each other. You’ll probably need to view it multiple times to get familiar with the process. In this video I want to share with you ways of exiting the negative cycle and helping you both see what is really going on underneath your partner’s reactions. So here are ways to get out of the negative cycles as they happen. You’ll want to get familiar with one or two that you can us when you get into your next negative cycle.

You can say to each other as a way to recognize it and to get out of it: • Am I pushing you away right now by blaming you? • I feel like we are in the early moments of our negative cycle, let’s stop before we are stuck in our cycle. • I feel like being a pursuer right now help me not be demanding. • Am I already making you feel like avoiding just by discussing this with you? • I notice we are in our negative cycle right now, what can we each do differently to get out of this? • I feel like avoiding you right now, help me not do that. • I am starting to get overwhelmed with what we are discussing, can be stop before our cycle full kicks in. • We are in the middle of our

negative cycle right now, what are we each contributing to it? • We are doing our negative cycle right now, lets slow down. • I notice you are getting defensive right now, how can I help you right now? • I’m feeling pushed away right now, so lets slow down. Part of what makes negative cycles tricky is we don’t realize that our partner is actually working to protect us and the relationship. We only see them working to protect themselves. If anything I’ve learned from my work with couples is that the greatest misunderstandings with negative cycles is both partners are trying to save and maintain the relationship. Their not trying to hurt each other. Even though it feels contrary. After an affair both are terrified of being hurt or rejected by their partner. Many times the betrayer hates talking about the affair because they Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

don’t want to hurt their partner anymore. They are tired of doing that and they are afraid of how much information will be too much information before my partner decides they can’t handle it and just rejects me. They secretly are afraid of losing their partner. And not sharing secrets about the affair is their way of trying to save their relationship with their wounded partner. They feel like only an idiot would disclose these hurtful things that would certainly crush their partner. Where those who had the affair are coming from is very logical, they don’t want to create anymore hurt and they had a wake up call and don’t want to lose their partner. They are afraid of being rejected and of losing

their relationship with their wounded partner so they shut down, avoid and find it difficult to talk about the affair.

past it. Sure the affair is brought up, but they know if they aren’t able to discuss it they’ll struggle with it.

For the partner who was wounded by the affair they have been deeply traumatized and they feel the need to discuss the affair. Discussing the affair for them means healing and moving

So of course they want to discuss it as a way to move forward. In my work I’ve never had anyone but one person leave their partner who betrayed them for being honest. I’ve had plenty of people who’ve left because of dishonesty. As you can see negative cycles have a lot of things happening below the surface that aren’t visible to the naked eye. It’s precisely these things that are happening below the surface that are the most important to identify and share. Attached to this video is an exercise to help you both identify what is happening not just on the surface but below the surface. Please remember this, we feel primary but act secondary. What that simply means is we feel hurt, afraid, sad, or unworthy, but we don’t act like that. We act frustrated, mad, angry, irritable, moody, or we push our feelings to the side and try to ignore them, and we do that by shutting down.

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Negative Cycles:

I feel

So I act When I act my partner feels

because of that

and now Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m feeling

Recognize the Cycle and Catching the Things that you both are contributing to it.

they act And because they feel

and when I act that way they feel

and so they show me that by acting When they act that way I feel so I act

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Understanding Each Other’s Roles in Negative Cycles:

Pursuers and Distancers

Understanding Pursuers

ursuers attempt to bridge the lack of emotional closeness in their relationship by trying to maintain contact with their partners. They are looking for reassurance and support when they feel emotional distance with their partners. Pursuers want to know their partners are there, and naturally so they will reach out to their partner for support looking for a response from their partner that they matter that they are needed and wanted. Pursuers are hoping that being seen and wanted will calm their strong emotions they feel when they are emotionally disconnected from their partner. Sometimes pursuers can unintentionally create a different response from their partner than they hoped. They want closeness and support, but sometimes their attempts to be connected create defensiveness within their partner, because they feel attacked. Distancers don’t see this as an attempt for connection but they see it as an attack. Overtime the pursuer’s attempts become littered with frustration, anger, resentment, hurt and fear. When the distancer is approached this way they obviously become more distant, which unfortunately makes the pursuer even more concerned about the lack of emotional connection between the couple. The underlying goal that pursuers have is to simple gain a response from their spouse. And that may be a positive response, but even negative responses still count. They reason, “As long as their responding to me, positive or negative, at least I know I matter to him.” Pursuers fear being alone,

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rejected and abandoned. Emotional connection with their partner means they will feel safer, they will feel better. When they feel distress with their mate they simply want to know they are not alone; knowing their mate is close by they feel more secure and they feel like they valuable.

Pursuer’s Self-Talk: • My concerns mean nothing. It’s like they don’t see me. • There is a wall that keeps me from getting through to him. • The only emotional intimacy we have is because I’ve pushed for it. • He doesn’t really care about my feelings. • It seems like no matter what I do to try to get through to him it always fails. • We can be in the same room and I still feel alone. • I know I get upset, but how else can I get her attention.

Behaviors of Pursuers • • • • • •

Showing Frustration or Anger Blaming Criticizing Demanding Raised Voice Physically following your spouse.

Why Distancers Withdraw In times of relationship distress, partners who withdraw look for ways to exit the distress. These selfprotective coping responses include a number of strategies to turn off the alarms (fears, anger, shame) of distress. So, if an argument heats up, the more withdrawing partner is likely to move away from the conflict or in some way try to shut down the emotions happening in the moment.

If you use withdrawing as a way of coping, your approach to distress tends to be more independent and self-reliant. You tend to turn away from your partner in times of distress and prefer to manage your emotions on your own. Withdrawal involves cognitive and emotional distance. Here, a withdrawing partner responds to emotional situations with logic and reason. It’s assumed that being more rational or “neutral” is necessary to solve problems, so these withdrawing

partners try to remain emotionally detached from a distressing situation.

Signs of withdrawal: • • • •

A strict reliance on logic A distrust of emotion A strict emphasis on objectivity A focus on facts exclusively

The process of withdrawing involves suppressing emotional thoughts and experiences. Partners who withdraw tend to dampen and muffle their emotional responses, particularly in times of distress. The process of shutting down other people’s naturally occurring emotional responses can be quite demanding. It takes a toll on you both physically and emotionally. Research studies have linked strategies for avoiding emotional distress with negative physical and psychological effects. These strategies don’t lead to resolution of the problems that are the source of the distress. As a result, the ongoing distress may increase negative

feelings toward the relationship, including more hostility and greater likelihood of emotional detachment. Partners who withdraw often rely on thought suppression as a primary means of creating emotional distance. This can be an effective strategy in the short term, but over time, the suppressing of emotion can have a rebound effect. A withdrawing partner may become overwhelmed and respond with an outburst of hostility, when he or she is no longer able to dampen intensifying emotion. The effects of emotional suppression may also show up in other ways, including impulsive actions or bingeing behavior. Managing emotions by withdrawing suppresses both negative and positive emotions. As a result, withdrawing partners have less emotion to work with in their relationships. Keeping their emotions at a distance reduces the resources they need not only to communicate but also to connect at a romantic level. A withdrawing partner

may be able to manage his emotions in the moment, but over time, he becomes less and less in touch with what matters most in a relationship of trust and closeness.

Understanding the Rationale for Distancing Partners who withdraw are often trying to keep the peace of a relationship by deactivating distress through emotional and physical distance. Common responses may involve “giving in” or “going along” with the other partner’s complaints, just to reduce the likelihood of a fight. Other forms of withdrawal involve moving away from negative emotions through silence, logic, or physical distance. Though the actions of a withdrawing partner may seem uncaring or indifferent, withdrawal is ironically a coping response intended to minimize conflict and restore peace and well-being to the relationship.

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they’ve been taught to suppress their emotions. Not only do withdrawing partners not know how to address their fears, but they’re afraid to address them in the first place.

The cost of withdrawing can be significant. Withdrawing partners often feel criticized and unworthy. They may be aware of their withdrawing tendencies, often because of their partner’s protests, and have a strong sense of shame. The loneliness that can result from keeping a distance in intimate relationships can leave a withdrawing partner feeling alone and ineffective. The emotional causes of distress are not addressed by withdrawing. They’re only managed. The pain is still present and active.

Actions of Withdrawal The signs of withdrawal are often physical. You can spot withdrawal in a person’s body posture. Like a turtle going into its shell, a withdrawing partner pulls in to hide from the intensity of the moment.

In a Negative Cycle Withdrawers Typically Do:

Although a withdrawer would seldom say it, inside she’s thinking: • • • •

If you could just calm down, I could come closer. I feel like I’m a failure as a partner. Even when I take a step toward you, it’s never enough. I’m always failing in your eyes.

Common experiences of a withdrawer include the following: • • • •

I never get it right. I’m not what you want. I have no feelings. I’d rather be left alone than feel this much pain.

Partners who withdraw have often gotten the message to dismiss or avoid their emotions. Parents may have coached them to “toughen up” or “be a man.” Both are indirect ways of saying, “Don’t show your feelings.” They may withdraw not only when their partners are critical and angry, but also when their partners seek to confide in them about intimacy. They may feel anxious and afraid when their partners try to address the relationship itself, or other more intimacyrelated concerns. This may be because they haven’t learned how to navigate through their emotional world, because Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

• • • • • • • •

Not listening Not responding Avoiding eye contact Crossing legs Folding arms Turning the body away Exiting the room Exiting the location

Any combination of these signals can send the following message: • • • •

Leave me alone. I’m not available. I need space. Now is not the time.

Partners can also withdraw when the conversation switches to discussions that involve vulnerable emotions, such as discussions about intimacy in the relationship. By “intimacy,” we’re talking not just about sex, but also about how the relationship is going when it comes to emotional closeness. The key is understanding that partners withdraw when they feel emotional distress, emotionally overwhelmed, or simply emotionally unprepared for what’s coming next. It’s not that they don’t care — it’s that they’re afraid of the unknown.

Negative Cycles, Pursuers, Distancers

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Experience has taught us that the negative cycle you get stuck in when trying to repair your relationship is really the main issue even when their is an affair or another big event that occurs that leaves you feeling abandoned or crushed. Breaking out of the negative cycle, is the key to complete closeness, security and safety with your partner. Some professionals say, “it’s all about communication.” yes, that’s true, some also say, “it’s how you talk, not what you talk about” that makes a difference, and that’s also true…but what we find is that couples really don’t know how to have TRANSFORMING CONVERSATONS. They still don’t know HOW to get to that sweet spot and really actually connect, in a way that brings you together, and leaves you both feeling the strong bond again. Here’s the good news…it’s normal for every couple, even the healthiest couples to get caught up in negative cycles. It’s all about how you recognize and exit the cycle. There are certainly other issues, such as betrayal or needing your partner and them abandoning you in that moment of great need. Having an emotional connection with each other, but this is one of the biggest things that can keep you from moving forward, and truly being happy with each other. Having an emotional connection where you feel secure and safe with your partner is curative of emotional wounds, even those created by your partner. So let’s talk about the negative cycle shall we? Most couples were stuck in a negative cycle before the affair happened. Then when the affair is out in the open, couples try to move forward with the same negative cycle they had before the affair happened. So what is a negative cycle? A negative cycle is the rigid pattern of interaction a couple gets caught in, and then finds it difficult to get out of. Like quicksand. You notice there is something missing between you and your partner and everything you do to try and fix the disconnection doesn’t work. It actually drags you deeper into the mess. Let’s give some examples of common negative cycles. the first type of negative cycle is called Pursuer/ Avoider: this is where one person pursues and the other pulls away or shuts down emotionally. The pursuer goes after the avoider in an effort to connect, and when the avoiding partner sees the pursuer coming, they run and hide emotionally or shut down physically. They basically build a wall to keep the pursuer out…which makes the Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

15 The second type of negative cycle is called Attack/Attack: this is where the person who originally avoided conflict in the relationship, feels pressured, cornered, and believes the only way out is to fight. Because they’re provoked they erupt in anger but as soon as the argument’s over they return to avoiding.

pursuer pursue even more. The pursuer naturally gets frustrated from feeling ignored, and dismissed, and then they feel helpless so they criticize, demand, and blame to get a response from the avoiding partner. The Avoider avoids because they feel like, if they do or say anything, it will make the situation worse. Which causes the pursuer to try harder for a response, which means more criticism, more blaming, and more demanding….which only leads to the Avoider withdrawing more…so do you see the cycle here? The issue is they’re both stuck reacting to each other and they don’t know how to get out of it. This makes it very hard to heal and rebuild the relationship after the affair. The second type of negative cycle is called Attack/Attack: this is where the person who originally avoided conflict in the relationship, feels pressured, cornered, and believes the only way out is to fight. Because they’re provoked they erupt in anger but as soon as the argument’s over they return to avoiding. This can feed the pursuit because it seems like their pursuit has paid off because the Pursuer is getting some response, rather then no response at all, and that feels good to some extent. Even though it’s not helping their cause. The third type of negative cycle is Avoid/Avoid: There are two types of Avoid/Avoid couples. The first is where both people just avoid an argument at almost all cost and so they naturally avoid discussing difficult subjects. The second type of Avoid/Avoid scenario happens when the pursuer gets burnt out and they feel like they don’t matter anymore to the avoider. They might have even given up on the relationship. Where we’re headed is Secure/Secure: this is where both people feel safe to be emotionally present, emotionally available, and emotionally responsive with their partner. Because they feel safe to share their deepest self with their partner.

Working through your negative cycle is the secret to recovering from the affair. Everyone falls into a negative cycle, even the healthiest couples. It’s what we do when we don’t feel close and cared for by our partner and it wears us and our relationship out over time. Let’s look at how pursuers and avoiders see the relationship and how this plays out in the real world. When Brad and I get caught in a negative cycle, I’m naturally a pursuer. Mainly because of how our personalities fit together in our relationship.

For us Pursuers, when our spouse retreats, we secretly believe: • My concerns mean nothing to my partner. It’s like I’m invisible. • He doesn’t really care about my feelings. • The only time we’re close is because I’ve pushed for it. • No matter how hard I try to break through the emotional distance it always seems to fail. • He doesn’t really care that I’m upset. • We can be physically close but I still feel alone. • I know I get upset, but how else can I get his attention. • There’s a barrier that keeps us from becoming close.

And what we do with those feelings to try and reach our partner is: • we get frustrated or angry • we blame, criticize, or push for what we want or need • we yell, become inpatient, raise our voice, or if your like me your tone becomes very stern

• and sometimes we actually follow our partner around the house as they try to retreat

The primary feeling that pursuers feel is fear. There are fears they have about their partner and fears they have about themselves. The fears about their partner are: • “I’m afraid that I love my partner more than he loves me.” • “I’m afraid that my partner wants someone with a different personality.” • “I’m afraid that my partner will get fed up with me and leave me.” • “I’m afraid my partner doesn’t like spending time with me anymore.” • “I’m afraid my partner will not find me attractive anymore.”

The fears a pursuer has about themselves are: • “I’m so bad in these areas that my partner won’t really want to be with me.” • “Will my negative traits eventually push you away?” • “I’m going to be alone forever, either in this relationship or without it” • “Am I lovable?” • “Am I too much?” • “I’m unlovable.” • “It’s usually my fault.” • “I’m lacking.” • “I’m not that lovable.” • “I’m unacceptable.” • “I’m disgusting.” • “I’m stupid • “I’m unattractive.” • “I’m stupid.” Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

One Pursuer summed it up perfectly by saying, “Deep down I’m just afraid there is something inherently wrong with me. I honestly try not to think about it, but I’ve always had this persistent, longterm fear that the real cause of our problems has always been me. He only avoids because of me.”

The Primary feeling that avoiders feel is fear. They have fears about their partner and fears they have about themselves. The fears about their partners are:

What what is the Pursuer’s fear really about? At the foundation of the Pursuer’s fears is how

• I’m afraid I’m not meeting my partner’s expectations.

negatively their partner may see them. The fear of Pursuers is that they lack so much in these areas that they will never be what their partner truly wants. They fear that their faults will one day be stacked against them so high that their partner will one day realize how deficient they truly are and make up their mind to live their life without them. The avoiders don’t see these deep fears and thoughts of the pursuer. They only see someone getting upset with them and pointing out there faults. They don’t see the person who is afraid of being rejected or abandoned.

For Avoiders, when our partner pursues us, we secretly believe: • “If we could just not fight, I could come closer.” • “I feel like I’m a failure in this relationship.” • “Even when I try to get closer, it’s never enough.” • “I’m always failing in your eyes.” • “I always seem to get it wrong.” • “I’m not what my partner wants.” • “I don’t have any emotions.” • “I’d rather go off by myself than feel this much pain.”

And here is what Avoiders do with these secret thoughts: • We stop listening • Avoid eye contact • Leave the room • Shift our body position away from our partner • Quit responding to our partner • Cross our arms or our legs

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• I’m afraid I’m failing as a partner • I’m afraid I lack communication skills. • I’m secretly afraid my partner will reject me. • I’m afraid I won’t measure up in my partner’s eyes. • I’m afraid I’m not being emotional enough for my partner. • I’m afraid I’m not being a good financial provider • I’m afraid I’m not being a good sexual partner • I’m afraid I’m a lousy parent One avoider summed up perfectly what all avoiders truly fear by saying, “I fear I’m lacking not just with my spouse, but also with everyone else. I don’t want to be seen as lacking or incompetent. I’ve believed all these years that I am the problem. The problem hasn’t been my partner, or our relationship but me. I guess this started from hearing as a child from people important to me that I was no good or flawed in some way.”

What is the Avoider’s fear really about?

At the foundation of the Avoider’s fears is how negatively their partner may see them. The fear of avoiders is that they lack so much in these areas that they will never be what their partner truly wants. They fear that their faults will one day be stacked against them so high that their partner will one day realize how deficient they truly are and make up their mind to live their life without them. As we walk you through this program it will become clear that the negative cycle is the main issue we have to deal with. So here is an exercise that you can do now to assess your relationship and decide what cycle you and your partner fall into. Are you an avoider or a pursuer and why? Download the page below to find out and don’t miss the next video on the 7 stages of affair recovery. What drives these behaviors? What makes us do these things?

Even if your spouse doesn’t join you in this program, don’t worry, you will still get a ton out of this program. It’s hard to make sense of the flood of emotions we experience after betrayal and to understand why this happened. For so many it can be difficult to know how to heal from here, where to go, what to do, what the future holds, and sometimes it can be hard to even find hope. But there is a way to regain what was lost. There is a way to heal from the pain of betrayal and… I want to congratulate you because it takes a lot of courage to decide to step forward and begin the process of healing after betrayal. Just the fact that you are watching this video means you have decided to put one foot in front of the other and begin moving forward with your life. That’s what this program is all about.

o you find yourself getting stuck in these negative cycles that go nowhere when talking about the negative cycle? Think about the thoughts that come up for you.

hat would your relationship look like if it were really great?

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Is Being CoDependent Really A BAD Thing?

e know that when we get married that we are marrying an individual with many habits, personality traits, likes, dislikes, and of course a person with a history. As we embark on a new future we have to recognize that we each have experienced different painful events and moments that sometimes get in the way of living a happy and healthy life. Some people feel like they shouldn’t get married or strike up friendships because there is something wrong with themselves and they need to be fixed before they can move forward with another person. Now sometimes this is warranted - but more often than not - what you are experiencing is something that thousands of people face and to have someone walk through the fire and work it out with you is just what you need. We often think of couples therapy as just working on the relationship but more and more we see that couples therapy is also very useful for helping with individual issues as well.

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Research conducted by a group called Barlow & Colleagues found that when spouses were included in treatment for anxiety, success rate jumped from 46 to 82%. The study also says that “recently, couple therapy has also been used to address “individual” problems such as depression and anxiety disorders, agoraphobia, addictions, and eating disorders (Baucom, Shoham, Mueser, Daiuto, & Stickle, 1998).” In our office we have found that relationships are profoundly effected by depression and post traumatic stress caused by things like infidelity, past sexual abuse, and abuse by previous relationships. It is amazing what a caring and attentive spouse can do for a person’s healing. To know that someone will do what it takes to help you overcome the demons means so much. It does not go overlooked and unappreciated.

Susan Johnson, a highly respected couple’s therapist, said, “Isolation and a lack of secure connection to others undermine a person’s ability to deal with traumatic experience. Conversely, secure emotional connections with significant others offer a powerful antidote to traumatic experience (Johnson, in press).” How does a secure relationship help us heal and deal with trauma? Well, to simplify it, a traumatic experience turns our world upside down and a good relationship with our significant other can turn our world around by soothing us, offering safety, promoting confidence and trust, and helping us to feel comfortable in taking risks and learning new coping mechanisms to name a few.

autonomous and separate we can confidently be.

3 Attachment offers a safe haven. Even

to feel and become closer to each other by helping individuals feel comfortable being honest and forthright talking about issues. He also helps each spouse rise to the occasion and teaches them how to become that caring support system their spouse so desperately needs.

So here are the 10 central tenants of attachment theory as described by Susan Johnson in her book Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors (some of this is copied directly from her book and some is my own interpretation in order to best explain attachment): On the other hand if your relationship is not good then that in-and-of-itself is a traumatic experience. If you have experienced war, past sexual abuse, a life altering accident, or any other sort of trauma, a poor connection with your spouse can actually worsen the trauma from the past. “A significant portion of clients identified as having borderline personality disorders, most of whom are survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), improve substantially in later life if they find a positive attachment relationship with an understanding other (Stone, 1990).” Brad uses the Attachment Theory as a foundation when working with couples. He works with couples

1 Attachment is an innate motivating force. We all

desire to be close. It is imbedded in our genetic make up. It isn’t simply an infantile need but is what we all need in order to survive.

2 Secure dependence complements autonomy. “There is no such thing as complete independence from others or overdependence (Bretherton & Munholland, 1999). There is only effective or ineffective dependance.” Surprisingly, the more securely dependent we are the more

back in the stone age people lived together, worked together, fought together and without one another there surely would be no procreation and death of a population was insured. As a survival mechanism, people need to be securely bonded to one another for safety. If this is not possible stress and uncertainty is the outcome.

4 Attachment offers a secure base. It is a spring

board for people and a foundation they can refer to. When you know you have a secure place to return to you feel more confident and encouraged to explore the world and take necessary risk, to learn, and continually reinvent yourself.

5 Accessibility and responsiveness build bonds. The building blocks

of secure bonds are emotional accessibility and responsiveness. It is emotional engagement that is crucial. In attachment terms, any response (even anger) is better than none. If there is no engagement, no emotional responsiveness, the message from the attachment figure is “Your signals don’t matter, and there is no connection between us.”

6 Fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs. When an individual is

threatened (by traumatic events, the negative aspects of everyday life such as illness, or an assault on the security of the attachment bond itself) emotions arise and the need for comfort and connection become very obvious. People begin to ask “Where am I in proximity to my spouse?” or “Where do we stand?” or “What does my partner think of me?” or “Do they love me?” or “Can I depend on you when I need you?”. Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

7 The promise of separation distress is predictable. When someone reaches out to the spouse for connection but the spouse fails to comfort them and respond to their efforts then the normal response is angry protest, clingy behavior, depression, and despair. Ultimately, this leads to detachment. Depression is a very natural response to a lack of connection in your relationships.

8 A finite number of insecure forms of engagement can be identified. There are

only so many ways a person can respond to negative answers to the plea for connection. Our responses fit into two different categories: anxiety and avoidance. When the attachment or connection between an irreplaceable other like your spouse, a parent, or a child anxious behavior may increase. You may become more clingy, pursue harder, and even become quite aggressive. Or you may become more detached or avoid the situation or conversations out of fear. These are strategies people use to protect themselves from further pain.

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9 Attachment involves working models of the self and the other.

This is how you view yourself and how you view others. If you view yourself as lovable and worthy of care and as confident and competent this is a secure attachment and can determine your responses to situations. Securely attached relationships can help us grow and become a person who views ourself that way because we look to others to validate our opinions naturally. Securely attached people, who believe others will be responsive when needed, tend to have working models of others as dependable and worthy of trust. These outlooks are formed by thousands of interactions and become expectations and biases carried forward into new relationships. The way we relate to ourselves and our significant other is infused with emotion.

10 Isolation and loss are inherently traumatizing. When someone has experienced trauma in their past and the isolation that follows, their personality formation and their ability to deal with other stresses in life is greatly altered.

The Cause Of Most Fights In Marriage - And It’s Not Money! I

t is a commonly thought that the number one thing couples fight about is money. That is simply not the case. Although money is a point of stress it is not the biggest issue facing couples. The number one issue that causes the most trouble in marriage is actually a lack of feeling close. Here are 10 other more common problems a marriage faces:

1 Quality time - you may hear

your spouse say “you work too much” or “I don’t feel close to you”. These are dead give aways that you aren’t experiencing enough quality time with your spouse. It is important to recognize what “quality time” really looks like. If there is something getting in the way of your undivided attention towards your spouse on a regular basis you

are likely not spending quality time with your spouse. You may just be co-existing. For example, if most of the time you spend together consists of you silently glaring at your cell phone the whole time this is NOT quality time. You both know what feels most like quality time. So talk about what that means to you. A few examples of quality time may be that you sleep in once a week, or you

go for walks in the morning without the kids if that’s possible, you go on a date once a week, you eat meals together, or you spend time everyday talking about the events of the day and the plans you have for the future. If you need some additional help check out our blog post on 5.5 hours a week. You may want to take one step at a time and come to counseling if you have trouble spending time together. Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

22 2 Communication - This is

also commonly known as “fighting all the time”. Sometimes there are little miscommunications and then there are big miscommunications. But the root is really an inability to navigate feelings and then communicate in a loving and respectful way. Quality time effects quality communication in that when you spend regular quality time together you are filled emotionally and it becomes easier to communicate and repair after a fight. When you feel distant from each other it is much more difficult to communicate clearly and forgive each other.

3 Intimacy -

You may hear this said, “he or she is always distant even when we are together” or “they never want to have sex”. This could be a problem stemming from not talking about feelings, wants, or desires. This could be that one or both of you haven’t forgiven the other for something or are still hurting from something that happened in the past. Its not just about “getting over it”. It is often a matter of knowing how to deal with feelings and pains. Sometimes we just don’t know how to heal and need help. Intimacy is a natural byproduct of quality time. If you find that your quality time is interrupted too often with fighting, lack of communication, or other issues, counseling is a good idea.

4 Prioritizing - You may hear your spouse say, “you love the kids more than me” or “you care more about your golf swing than you care about me”. This is important because your spouse must feel cared for by you. This does come with self-sacrifice but is completely worth it because you will have a happy marriage and a much more peaceful household. Maybe this means that you schedule your time wisely and tell some people no and others yes. Your kids will thank you because they will have mommy and daddy together and happy and your true friends will get over it. If your boss is the culprit then boundaries are absolutely necessary. Food for thought: why do we work if not to provide for our families? If our families are dismantled and someone else is raising our children then our work is in vein.

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5 Boundaries - This applies to our lives on so many levels. Your spouse might say “why did you look at that man/woman like that?” or “you sure are talking to so-and-so a lot” or “you are working really late” or they may say things listed under prioritizing. We must have boundaries in place to protect our families and our marriages. Without them quality time is effected, intimacy suffers, and affairs happen. Listening to each other and not doing the things that your spouse asks you not to do is a good start.

6 Life Planning - This is often

something a couple talks about while in pre-marital counseling but it is important to be revisited on a regular ongoing basis. While doing life together there are often expectations for marriage. Take inventory of what you want as an individual and then compromise with one another to build your life together. Planning life together and agreeing to make major financial or life altering decisions with both of you fully on board is important. This could even include smaller things like cutting your hair or getting a tattoo. Another important piece to planning life together is aligning ideology. Many couples struggle with variations in religious beliefs, parenting styles, how to spend leisure time, and other similar expectations. There are things that maybe your spouse hasn’t fully expressed as important so communicating regularly about what you love about your spouse and your life together and just simply asking for what you want or expressing what you don’t want is a great step in the right direction. When expectations are not met an argument is soon to follow.

7 Responsibility - It is amazing how often we hear couples refusing to take responsibility for things like their finances and responsibility for the actions that they took that led them to counseling. Instead individuals want to blame everyone and everything else other than themselves. Humility goes a

long way when talking with your spouse and in dealing with most anyone else. You may hear things like “you are the reason I cheated” or “you didn’t hold up your end of the deal or the outcome wasn’t what I wanted so I won’t hold up my end of the deal”. This is ridiculous. You are responsible for yourself and you make your own choices.

8 Life Events - The death of a child or someone very close, job loss, and illness are just a few examples of major life event that cause quite a bit of stress even for a solid marriage. Issues like these can cause trauma that is relived over many years and without help it could be very difficult to heal and keep the marriage together. 9 Other Mental Issues - Believe it or not many times individual mental issues can inadvertently cause rifts in a marriage. Let’s say if one spouse is suffering from depression and neither realize that they are struggling with a disorder their actions can send the wrong message to the other.

10 Trust - There are many different ways trust can be broken but one of the worst points of contention is when you find out your spouse has cheated on you.

How To Reduce Stress & Anger To Lengthen Your Life & The Life Of Your Marriage “Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.” - Thomas Jefferson.

hile anger is a habitual choice that we make it is one of the hardest habits to kick. How we react to stress is something that we learn from our environment at a very early age. Sometimes we get upset and we don’t even understand why. Things that don’t even phase other people cause us to obsess and/or explode.

“The structure and function of the nerves change so that smaller irritations are now more likely to trigger full -blown stress/anger responses!”

fatigue, and a weak immune system. Not to mention the toll it takes on your selfesteem and your relationships. Anger triggers a stress response in the body that alerts the nervous system and, just as the stress of anger is keeping the nervous system on alert, the aroused nervous system keeps the body on alert. The body goes around and around in this cycle until something changes in the system that calms it down.

Last time we talk about how anger is a secondary emotion. We said that underneath the anger there is usually another pain or hurt of some kind. Anger is often a cover up and can be an easier emotion to express than anything deeper. We must deal with the underlying hurts and when we do sometimes the anger still lingers because we have learned to react to issues that way. In this blog I will talk about how anger and stress go hand in hand and how you can take control of it. Anger is a form of stress that triggers many natural responses in the body such as a heart rate increase, blood pressure increase, and nervous system stress that over time can cause heart disease, cancer, chronic high blood pressure, Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

Do you ever wonder why you blow up at little things just like it were a big thing? I have totally been there and it can be embarrassing because you don’t really know why you responded the way you did. The reason is that over time, as the nervous system gets used to being overly sensitized, it automatically puts out the same hormones that would normally show up on a big issue but on all issues which then becomes toxic to the system.

and your blood pressure rises and it takes a lot more than 10 seconds for it to cool down. Actually it can take anywhere from 20-30 minutes for your body to stabilize and for you to be able to think more clearly. We see this in the everyday spousal spat, when an argument gets heated it is important for you to give each other the cool down time you need. But you must promise to reconvene and talk about the issues once you’ve calmed down.

“The structure and function of the nerves change so that smaller irritations are now more likely to trigger full -blown stress/anger responses!” The Anger Management Sourcebook.

How to Breath

This is evidence enough to learn to manage our anger. Managing it truly can save your life. In the last blog I talked about using distractions as a coping mechanism when you feel the rise of anger. I believe this is why so many of our teenagers benefit from good distractions like art, music, and sports. But we must address the fact that sometimes we loose control and positive distractions are not enough. This is when we need to dig down deep and realize that our mind and body influence each other. If we can reduce the stress in the body we can cool down and think clearer.

Taking it One Breath at a Time It seems like anytime we get angry someone instructs us to breath and calm down. I remember watching an episode of Family Matters when I was a kid, you may remember the show with Steve Urkel who went around terrorizing Carl Winslow (the dad) and then he would delivered his famous nasally line “did I do that?” The episode that comes to mind was when Carl went to Anger Management classes and was instructed to breath into a paper bag every time he began to feel stressed and before he would become angry. It sounds really funny but we don’t realize the importance of breathing and how it truly works in the anger system. Breathing in the bag never worked for Carl because it was the way he was breathing that kept him from really calming down. Counting to 10 never worked either and I can explain that too in a minute but first let’s look at the breathing issue. When someone is under ‘angry stress’ the muscles around the abdomen, chest, throat, and jaw contract which leads to shallow “cheat breathing” also known as hyperventilation. But because the body is in fight or flight mode it is counting on the speedier breath to change the chemistry of the blood, make the heart work harder, and keep the nervous system sensitized so it can hit the road or hit the person standing in the way. So why did counting to 10 not work for Carl? The reason is when the body begins to ‘over heat’, your heart rate increases,

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So how should we breath? The best way to breath is the way we did when we were babies - slow, low, and deeply. Our shoulders should not be worn as earrings so when you breath your shoulders should stay neutral. If you put your hands on your stomach you should feel your stomach expanding forward. Low and slow breathing allows your skeletal muscles to relax and your heart and lungs can begin to relax as well. Try practicing your breathing laying down. You could put a phone book or some other heavy book on your naval to strengthen the diaphragm muscle and so you can see the stomach expand and deflate just like a balloon. It shouldn’t be forced, rather let it just move naturally. Try focusing on your breathing several times a day and at night while laying in bed. We’ve talked about how muscle tension increases or prolongs the stress in your body. There is quite a bit out there on relaxation techniques. Take a look at work by Dr. Edmund Jacobson who originated the Progressive Muscle Relaxation technique. Also, the Anger Management Sourcebook is very helpful if you would like to read further about anger management.

Positive Self-Talk Personally I have noticed, when I get angry it can be hard at times to come out of my emotions to focus on breathing. I have had a lot of success talking to myself and repeating to myself “I can do this, I am in control of my anger”. Other things you can say to yourself is just relax, peace, calm down, it’ll be alright, life is good, anger won’t help, and my favorite I can handle this. Speaking this out loud is better in my opinion then just saying it in your mind. It carries more authority and weight. Also, thinking about the perspective of the person you are allowing to make you angry, like we talked about in the last blog about respect and compassion, helps too. If you can realize that what they are doing is because they are sad or hurting, you can begin to forgive them for their flaws and save yourself from a heart attack. It takes some practice, but if you can look into the face of the person you are angered by and try to experience their pain it can help.

4 Practical Ways to Breath More Calmly

people away. In short, we put ourselves in the powerless victim role. We give the power away when we get angry.

You might ask yourself: “Will anger further my cause?” “Will I make me miserable in the long run?” “Am I spending ten dollars on every nickel-and-dime problem?” “Is it possible to let go a bit and not try to control so much?” “Maybe the world won’t end if I don’t get my way, if I am not 100 percent efficient, or if someone dislikes me.”

The Exciting Truth!!! You may be thinking, if anger is so destructive then why do we still get so angry? Believe it or not anger is a habit that feels justified and has many apparent, immediate rewards. If there was no reward then we would naturally stop being angry. If anger worked in the past, it might be hard to give it up or reduce it.

Check

your posture and make sure you are not tense. Try slouching over into a relaxed slump. Imagine you are a marionette puppet and there is a string attached to the crown of your head and you are being pulled straight up toward the ceiling. While you are being pulled upward your shoulders, stomach, and chest remain relaxed. Keeping your skeletal muscles relaxed helps you to breath better. More oxygen to brain makes it easier to think and be alert.

air and breathing becomes much harder and your blood pressure raises.

Relax your facial muscles. Muscle

Overcoming Angry Habits That Wreak Our Health And Our Marriages

tension tends to spread so think about relaxing your forehead and your mouth and jaw. I like to pretend that someone is watching me and if I smile then I could really brighten up their day.

Don’t wear tight fitting clothing.

Keep your clothing loose especially around the waste because your diaphragm needs room to expand and deflate. It will encourage you to loosen the muscles in your stomach and help you not feel like you have to “suck it in”.

Think about talking slower. When you talk fast you are forced to gasp for

Remember, your mind and body are connected. You can more easily relax your mind when your body is able to relax. Practice breathing slow, low, and deeply, talking slower, and being mindful of how you are being perceived as you go throughout your day at the grocery store, in line at an event, or chatting with friends. Try to enjoy your day and your life by being present, reflective, and relaxed. You can do it!

Anger Gives Power Away

Sometimes it helps to realize that problem anger does not gain us the power, control, respect, or the love we want. It only makes us more powerless by placing our peace in the hands of someone or something else. It drives

If anger is habitual than we can choose to be angry or not to be angry! The cool thing is all we need to do is pick up new habits that combat anger. I will talk a lot about compassion and empathy in these posts because compassion and empathy are the antidotes for anger. It is compassion for yourself and for others and really trying to understand the feelings and points of view of those who hurt you. You will be amazed at how you will begin to take power back from the situation by being able to remain cool, calm, and collected even in the midst of what normally causes you a great amount of anger. In posts to come I will dive deeper into ways to stay calm in

Try This: Here is a helpful exercise to help weigh the costs and benefits of anger. On a sheet of paper list the advantages and disadvantages of anger while visualizing the short and long-term effects of anger on yourself and the consequences to others. Imagine their feelings when exposed to your anger. Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

7 Keys To Fighting Fair Have you caught yourself saying this or something like this to your spouse:

“You never clean up after yourself! I am always picking your dishes up off the table! What makes it worse is you always leave a mess and never consider my feelings and that makes me so $%!@* angry! You always act like such a baby and you always expect me to act like your mother!”

t’s only natural that we become very comfortable with our spouse. But as we unload our thoughts and feelings we need to think about how we are effecting our relationship long term. We assume our spouse will always be there and love us unconditionally. Maybe they will always be there but imagine if you were a waitress and you said the above statement to a regular customer that came into your restaurant. Would you keep that customer? Would you keep your job? Probably not! Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

Instead when we interact with other people we try very hard to be non-judgmental, non-critical, and positive, right? It is interesting that we reserve all of our nicety for perfect strangers! The truth is, our words erode our relationship over time. Little by little we find ourselves growing further and further apart. Just like a river erodes its banks, so our words erode our relationship. In fact, when speaking of a “bank”, our relationship consists of what marriage experts call the “emotional bank account”. We are always investing into this bank account. When we are kind and present our issues appropriately, we deposit positive energy into our emotional bank accounts and when we deposit negative words and emotions there is a withdraw from the account. We need to invest in our emotional bank accounts everyday. We do this by practicing basic kindness towards our spouse. Just like a river erodes its banks, so our words erode our relationship. In fact, when speaking of a “bank”, our relationship consists of what marriage experts call the “emotional bank account”. We are always investing into this bank account. When we are kind and present our issues appropriately, we deposit positive energy into our emotional bank accounts and when we deposit negative words and emotions there is a withdraw from the account. We need to invest in our emotional bank accounts everyday. We do this by practicing basic kindness towards our spouse.

“we deposit positive energy into our emotional bank accounts and we deposit negative energy into our bank accounts, one is an investment and one is a withdraw.”

Here are 7 things to remember when presenting your concerns to your spouse:

1 Complain effectively.

It is okay to complain but don’t blame. Two of the most common blaming words we hear are never and always. Fight the urge to use those words. It only rips you apart little by little.

Cut out the insults. Insult statements typically start

with you. Examples include, “You are not listening,” “You don’t care about me,” or “You never get it right”. Instead start it with I. “I don’t always feel heard”, “I don’t feel cared for”, “I wish you would change this habit or adopt a new habit.”

3 Talk about what you see instead of blaming

. If you focus the conversation on the event or the issue

instead of the person your complaint will be received much better. Instead of “You don’t help clean up.” say, “For the last 4 evenings I have cleaned up the kitchen by myself.”

4 Clearly describe what you need

. After you have effectively made your complaint known then make your request. “Will you please make it a point to help me clean up the kitchen? That will make a big difference in my day.” I try to assume that my spouse really ultimately wants to show me love but from time to time they forget.

5 Please and Thank you.

Your mama taught you right! Remember to be polite and kind, even with your spouse. You know that feeling you get when you are out and about and you come across a polite employee? They just deliver excellent customer service and you feel so good about your purchase. You think to yourself, “Man I am glad to be doing business with this company.” Everyone knows that sales these days are really long term relationships. Why not incorporate this long term attitude with your life partner, your spouse! Even your kids will pick up on it and learn from the best.

6 Stay Calm.

This is the hardest part for so many people. It’s when you see those dishes laying over there on the table for the 50th time. Or their underwear is laying 3 inches from the laundry basket when you have asked them 20 times to make the extra effort to get them in the basket. You know what I am talking about. You can feel the heat pouring into your face and the your heart begins to race. The first thing you want to do is go find him or her so you can give them a piece your mind. Trust me, we have all been there. Here is what you can do.

1 Breath 2 Recognize that you are getting angry 3 When they ask “what’s wrong?” Tell them “I am upset and cannot discuss this with you in a productive loving way right now, give me 20-30 minutes.” 4 Go away to your happy place for 20-30 minutes until your heart rate has fallen and you feel more calm. Make sure during this time you aren’t plotting your spouse’s death. Think about positive things. Try to fill your mind with all of the good in your life. 5 Go and talk to him or her with the 7 steps we have shared in this post.

7 Be appreciative.

Thank them for what they do right. As you thank them for what they do right you will be thinking about good things and you will begin to feel happier and more fulfilled. As you bring your requests to your partner, remind them of the times they’ve done it right. If they’ve never done it right, they must have done something right in their lifetime. Remember that. They married you, right? They really have done something right=).

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Changes Newlywed Couples Face

The first year of marriage is huge for any couple for many reasons; even if that couple has lived together for some time. Marriage is different than dating or living together. Research has shown that marriage is a developmental process that involves change, adjustment, and growth. Below are some of the findings from research on just how difficult it is to be newly married: 51% reported that the number of arguments they both had with their mate changed after the wedding. 52% reported that their tendency to be critical of their mate changed. 54% reported feelings of self-confidence changed after marriage. 42% reported that they found marriage to be harder than they expected. 47% reported that their own family changed after marriage. 58% reported that their attitude towards work changed. The first year is a year of learning, sharing and adapting. Theses changes make the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Honeymoonâ&#x20AC;? period, Hell on Earth for most couples. Remember, marriage counseling can help with a competent marriage counselor. Many couples get help 6 years after they need it. Most divorces occur after 7 years of marriage.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wait to get the help for your marriage that you need. Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

The Risk Involved With Having A New Baby If you don’t get help with your marriage at a time like this when it is really needed, divorce is a very real possibility for your marriage. Remember marriage counseling can help your marriage, and help your husband understand what he needs to be doing to improve your marriage. Don’t put off getting the help you need. The average couple waits 6 years to get help they need and divorce a year later.

What Researchers Say About New Parents Parenting that is compromised by fighting, irritability, and hostility lead to poor parent-child interaction. This creates a dangerous emotional climate for babies. This atmosphere will interfere with an infant’s ability to self-regulate and to stay calm. Both parents are working harder, but they both feel unappreciated. During the first year after babies arrive, the frequency and intensity of relationship conflicts increase 9 times what it was before the baby. It is normal for a mom’s sexual desire to drop precipitously after birth and even stay low for the first year, especially if she is nursing. Consequently, sex declines dramatically. New mom’s usually become very involved with their babies. But due to their fatigue, they have less to offer their partners emotionally. Both moms and dads undergo major changes in their own identities i.e. how they think of themselves not only as parents and partners, but also as friends, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters. Their values may change, and their goals in life, too.

70% of couples experience a decrease in marital satisfaction when they have a new baby. Obviously, this is a challenging time for almost all couples, because of the stress involved. Many women have postpartum depression, because of changing hormones and developing a new routine with a new baby in the marriage. One of the keys to increasing your marital satisfaction during this time is to help your husband become more involved with the duties of raising the new baby. Men often refuse to help or don’t realize how important it is to help during this time of great transition.

Mom’s and dads often want to be better at parenting than their own parents were with them. Many couples change their relationship with time. They start to date events as “Before Baby” and “After Baby.” Most important is when baby did something for the first time. Right after the baby is born, many women close to new moms arrive to help out, but this support group of women can crowd out the new dads. Dads mistakenly respond to this by withdrawing from their babies and working more, especially if there’s more conflict at home.

Babies withdraw emotionally from fathers who are unhappy with their relationship with their partners. Interestingly, babies don’t

withdraw from unhappy moms. This withdrawal from dads can be tragic for babies. The best gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between the two of you. Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

How to Initiate and Refuse Sex

Communication about sex is often unclear because people want to save face, and avoid outright rejection. However, research indicates that among couples, clear bids for affection and sex are very likely to be accepted if they are personal (I desire you) rather than impersonal (I’m horny).

This exercise can help you and your spouse decide how you prefer to communicate your physical desires to one another. And help them create a method for refusing sex that will be gentle and respectful. Directions for Initiating: Each of you pick out 2-3 ideas that you like on the list and discuss your favorites with your spouse. Then try together to arrive at one method or initiating sex that you both like. If both of your preferences are clearly different, just create a method of your own that is comfortable for both of you. The key is talking about it together and understanding each other’s needs.

Ideas for Initiating Sex 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

Simply tell me you want to make love. Rub my back in a circle when we’re in bed. Kiss my neck and say, “I really want.” Put your arms around me and ask if I’d like to make love. Leave me a note telling me you want me tonight. Leave me an email or text me that you want me tonight. Your idea: _______________________________________

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Directions for Refusing: Each of you pick 2-3 ideas that you like from the list below and discuss your favorites with your spouse. Then together try to arrive at one method for refusing sex you both like. If your ideas differ create your own method that is comfortable for both of you. The key is talking about it together and understanding each other’s needs.

Ideas for Gently Refusing Sex 1. Use the scale from 1 to 9 on how in the mood you feel. With 1 meaning “Not Feeling It,” 5 meaning “I’m convince-able,” and 10 meaning “I’m defiantly feeling It.” If you don’t want to make love say, “Right now I’m a 1.” 2. Say, “I usually would love having sex with you, but I need to take a rain check. Right now I’m really not in the mood. But I still find you very attractive.” 3. Say, “I’m sorry honey, but it’s not the right time for love making for me. But I still love you a lot, and you are very beautiful.” 4. Say, “Sorry babe, I’m going to have to pass right now, but how about me giving you an orgasm through oral sex instead?” 5. Your idea:________________________________________

Creating a Ritual for Talking about Sex Talking about sex is a scary prospect for many couples. This exercise is designed to help you agree on a way to talk about sex with one another so it becomes a comfortable experience. There is considerable evidence that talking about sex is related to the overall happiness in relationships. How often it is talked about is just as important as the quality of the talk about sex. Remember to try to understand your spouseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s needs and wants.

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Directions: Look over the blueprint below for talking about sex and your needs. Take turns asking questions. When it is your pick out one question that you’d like to ask your spouse from the two lists below, and listen to his or her answer. Then it’s your spouse’s turn to ask you a question and listen to your answer. Keep going, alternating turns, for as long as you like. Be sure to respect your spouse’s wishes if your spouse does not want to answer the question you’ve asked. Just go on to a different question that your spouse is more comfortable answering.

What Felt Good Last Time? 1. Can you recall some good moments of sex between us? 2. What did you feel about our non-sexual touching, affection, caressing, kissing, or massage? 3. What have I done that turned you on? 4. What did we do that made you feel closer to me? 5. What made you feel ready for touch and sensuality? 6. What were some things we did that really turned you on erotically? 7. What would be a good nighttime sex ritual? 8. What would a good weekend sex ritual? 9. What would be good to do for gourmet, fantasy date sex? 10. What makes you feel connected to me? 11. What makes you more in touch with your body? 12. What makes you more able to surrender and let go?

What Did You Need? 1. What’s a good way to start, for you? 2. What do you need to put you in the mood? 3. What do you think about feeling like “we have all the time in the world?” 4. How should I or you suggest a quickie? 5. What should I do if you feel too tired or too busy for sex, or not in the mood? 6. If I am a 9 (“I’m definitely feeling it!”) on the wanting sex scale and you are a 1(“I’m not feeling it,”) what do you need to be able to say, “No?” 7. If you are a 5 (I’m convincible for sex) and I’m a 9 (I’m definitely feeling it!) what do you need from me? 8. What makes sex more like love making to you? 9. What are good transitions for you into sex (Taking a bath or shower, working out, or massage)? 10. What helps you focus on your body? What are good fantasies or thoughts for you?

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Testimonials 1

This Woman’s Divorce was FINAL IN 3 WEEKS! “Brad,

you’d given me like my life depended on it (because it did). Well, it worked. It took a few weeks, but things slowly started to turn around, and we are now back together, living together, and have withdrawn the divorce.

I want to sincerely thank you for your advice on how to stop my divorce. I honestly thought (and was told countless times by my husband, as you saw in counseling), that there was no hope.

Our marriage has never been stronger, honestly. We both have changed drastically since the separation, and we have a new and revitalized relationship. I cannot thank you enough. What you did for me, for us, has forever impacted our lives and our children’s lives.”

My husband had started dating a girl somewhat seriously and had moved on because I had hurt him too many times. I was devastated, to say the least, because I had finally realized that the grass was not greener by divorcing, and that I wanted my husband and family back.

I had done all the wrong things to get him back: begged, pleaded, said I’d change, etc. and that had only pushed him further and further away. The moment we walked out your door, back in July, I quickly followed the advice

My wife and I can not thank Brad enough for what he was able to accomplish with us during our sessions with him. We are in a MUCH better place in our marriage than we were a few months ago, and it’s all thanks to his hard work and expertise. The approach

he uses was something I was completely unfamiliar with, and was incredibly effective. We never really got into who was right or wrong in a given situation, but focused more on the emotions and cycles that caused us to get into those situations in the first place. I was able to open up during our sessions in a way that I didn’t really think was possible. I’m still pretty blown away by the whole experience. For anyone even considering, if you’re reading these reviews... you need to do your marriage a favor and at least check it out. Us tackling these issues early on in our marriage will definitely prove to be one of the best decisions we’ve made when we look back, I can guarantee it. We understand each other better, and even understand things about ourselves that we never would have without his assistance. Thanks again for everything you’ve done for us Brad, you are definitely a beacon of hope in any struggling marriage, hopefully these reviews will help point people in the right direction so that they may find the path back towards happiness with you as their guide, like we have.

Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

My husband left in early January with every intention of calling it quits. Needless to say, I was devastated. We had our problems, but I didn’t think our relationship was beyond repair. I was desperate for a solution, and my husband said we could try counseling and recommended Brad Robinson of Marriage Solutions. My husband was very doubtful that counseling would change his mind, but he at least agreed to go. Brad was very understanding of both sides of the issues at hand and recommend we read a book together along with going to counseling with him every week. Within 7 weeks my husband had a complete change of heart and moved back in. We are still seeing Brad because not everything has been resolved, but without his help we would be signing divorce papers instead of buying a house and planning our future together. Regardless of the monetary cost I tell Brad all the time that what he did for us was priceless and that I am forever indebted to him. If you’re in need of an anchor and want to save your marriage, go to Brad! I promise you, you will not regret it!!!!

If you are considering marriage counseling I would not hesitate any longer. Marriage solutions has been a God send. Brad has given us a chance to save our marriage and come to a place of true healing and restoration. I cannot say enough positive things about Brad. Something that places him above many other therapists is his true passion, dedication and knowledge of what he is doing. He provided us with the tools, information and hope that we needed to pass through the storm. Brad is very experienced at what he does and has the ability to handle very intense, traumatic situations between couples. I encourage every couple who is lost, discontent, hopeless, frustrated or on the verge of giving up to seek the help and wisdom of Brad. It has changed my life and marriage in ways I never dreamed possible. We are forever grateful to you Brad. Thank you everything.

I can honestly say that my husband and I wouldn’t still be married today without Marriage Solutions of Tulsa

Brad and Morgan. From the first call to schedule our appointment to present day they have helped both myself and husband transform our marriage into what I always dreamed it would be. Not only did he help restore our marriage but he gave me my best friend back! He created a safe place for us to talk about things that were wrong in our relationship and never took sides, but instead lead us in such a way that we could work out our differences and learn how to take care of ourselves in the future. I honestly can’t say enough about how much he has helped us! So if you’re looking for a counselor to help with any kind of problem that has arisen in your marriage I would highly recommend Brad and Morgan!

Brad got my marriage back on track. My Husband and I were going through a very rough patch and with Brad’s approach he taught us how to reconnect again. He really knows what he is doing and has such a sincere quality about him. Once he helped us identify our issues he came up with a clear and decisive plan of action and in no time we had our marriage back. He doesn’t waste any time and makes the most out of all your sessions. Money was one reason we were hesitant in trying therapy but then we asked ourselves would we rather rack up some credit card debt or not be together anymore? It’s an easy choice when you put it in perspective. His wife is the most lovely person and is so helpful and willing to help you with a payment plan. Brad Robinson is simply the BEST and when it comes to your marriage you deserve only the BEST! He gets an absolute 100% recommendation from me.

Thanks, Brad, for our 31st wedding anniversary. We’re on track for many more.

When we first went to Marriage Solutions, our marriage was in jeopardy. Our councilor, Daniel, listened to each

of us with no blame or judgement. He helped us focus on our real issues. Most importantly, he helped us learn to talk and listen to each other again. At the beginning, we both felt completely disconnected and helpless to repair our marriage. Now, we both feel closer than we have ever been! Thanks to Daniel, we realized how much we missed each other. We realized just how important our marriage really is to us. Thank you Daniel for helping us find our way back to each other! Thank you Morgan and Victoria for all you kindness! We appreciate all of you so much!

We went to Daniel after having some trouble in our marriage, one of us had committed the ultimate betrayal and it was getting harder by the day for us to move on from this mistake. Neither of us wanted to give up on our marriage but neither of us was sure how to move forward and repair the damage done. We had tried what we thought to be everything on our own but none of it worked we turned to Marriage Solutions and from the first person we spoke with whom was Morgan she walked us through the process and set us up with Daniel as a last hope. Daniel was great from the very first time we sat down with him he never took sides nor did he ever cast any blame on anyone. He listened and walked us both through trusting each other again, he got us communicating in ways that we had never before, he rekindled our love and affection for each other that we had at day one. Daniel helped us both to find our true selves and show us both how to be comfortable in our marriage and openly communicate with each other something that we had never even done before everything happened. Daniel gave us our best friend back and has helped to guide us to an even better relationship than we had. I would recommend Daniel to anyone that thinks that they have tried everything and have lost all hope in their marriage. Daniel truly was our Marriage Solution.