Do Your Part: Be Prepared!

Marion County Residents

Visit alertmarion.com to sign up for Alert Marion. Check out marionso.com and click on the “Emergency Management” button at the bottom left of the home page. From there, you can go to the Emergency Supply List to learn what to stock, fill out an application for the Special Needs Registry and much more. If you don’t have computer access or need to speak to someone, call Marion County Emergency Management at (352) 369-8100.

Citrus County Residents

Go to sheri citrus.org/emergency-management.php and click on the Alert Citrus link. For more information about emergency management in Citrus County, visit sheri citrus.org and click on the Emergency Management tab. If you need to speak to someone, call (352) 249-2705 or (352) 746-6555. In the event of an emergency, citizen information lines are sta ed and open 24 hours a day. The numbers are (352) 527-2106 and (352) 746-5470.

DATING AFTER DIVORCE WITHOUT LOSING YOUR SANITY

BY CYNTHIA MCFARLAND

HOW SINGLE ARE YOU?

If your ex still figures prominently in most of your thoughts and conversations, you’re still feeling emotional about the divorce or you’re only accepting a date to please your mom/best friend/sister, cut yourself some slack. You’re obviously still in the healing stages; be kind to yourself and give it a little more time. Divorce occurs in many stages, so “feeling single” won’t happen at the same pace for everyone. For example, when a spouse dies, some surviving partners don’t feel single for years. The same thing can happen with divorce.

“Becoming single is a process. It doesn’t just happen the day your legal decree comes through,” notes clinical psychologist Judith Sills, Ph.D., a highly regarded expert on the business of relationships.

An in-demand speaker and consultant, Dr. Sills is the New York Times best-selling author of several popular psychology books; she maintains a private consultation practice in Philadelphia.

As Sills points out, some people may not feel single for years after the legalities are finalized, while others feel emotionally free even before their soon-to-be ex has moved out.

Despite what may or may not be apparent to observers, there are a number of inward markers that will tell you how single you really are—or are not— whether you were divorced last week or several years ago. Some important milestones in the process of becoming single include:

• Feeling separate from your ex-spouse (less emotionally attached and focused on them, what they’re doing, who they’re with, etc.)

• No longer focused on your anger with your ex (It may come up from time to time, but it’s not a central preoccupation.)

• Becoming more focused on your own interests

• Making positive changes (going out with friends, new wardrobe, di erent haircut, taking steps to make the house “yours” not “ours,” etc.)

• Trying things that take you out of your “comfort zone” (a trendy new restaurant/club, di erent activities, taking a class or starting a hobby that has interested you, etc.)

“Depending on where you are in this process will determine how ready you are to date,” says Sills. “It’s such an individual thing. One person may go to a singles bar when their mate is moving out the toothbrush, while another can’t even think about dating for three years. “

Online Savy

You’ve seen the commercials. You may even have friends who met their significant other online. But is it for you?

With such a vast array of dating websites out there, odds are there’s at least a few where you’ll feel comfortable. Many people set up profiles on multiple sites, and although there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, be aware that the whole online dating thing can be time-consuming, so keep this in mind before you decide to join several sites at once.

“Many people meet online, and assuming you use a reasonable amount of prudence, it’s no more dangerous than meeting any stranger on a blind date,” notes Sills.

“The dating rules have not changed in this technology-saturated age, but the experience of using technology comes with its own challenges,” she adds. “What is di erent is that people are less accountable because of the anonymity of being online. The way websites are set up is that the amount of ‘shopping’ is pretty vast. Everyone will tell you they’re looking for a relationship, but they may be lying to you—and to themselves.”

Sills says one smart way to protect your heart and your time when dating online is to meet sooner rather than later.

“People get tremendously invested in email relationships.

You email someone every day and after two or three weeks, it feels like you have a relationship. Then they disappear, which hurts and is very upsetting.

“Meeting in person is a huge reality check because inwardly you think ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ within seconds,” she explains. “Meeting soon will keep you from putting in too much time with someone who isn’t who they say they are.”

And when you do meet for the first time, avoid the “first date interview.” Skip questions like, “What are you looking for in a relationship?” “Do you want kids?” “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“Instead, have a conversation about the here and now,” Sills suggests. “Ask about their day, what happened at work, share about a funny movie you saw recently. Talk about the same fun things you’d have in a conversation with a friend.”

As for background checks, Sills is all for them.

“We live in a world with all this information available; it doesn’t make sense not to avail yourself of information on any important subject, so yes, do a background check when you meet someone.”

KIDS IN THE MIX?

Dating after divorce hasn’t been smooth sailing for Nicki Belfoure*, 43, a single mother of two from Ocala who works in the medical field. The fact that she has two daughters only adds to the challenge.

Nicki, who has been divorced for over seven years now, wasn’t even interested in dating for the first five years after her marriage ended.

“I had kids and I just wasn’t interested. I’ve always been independent and I didn’t have any need for dating,” she says. “You need to find yourself before you go out and find a relationship with someone else. If you’re not happy, they’re not going to make you happy. That’s not being pessimistic; that’s my realistic point of view.”

As a mother, she was extra careful who she introduced to her daughters.

“I’ve kept guys away from my kids,” she says. “When you have kids, especially girls, you don’t want to bring any weirdos around them, and there are a lot of those out there.”

Once she started to dip her toe into the dating pool, Nicki discovered what many other singles have found. Many people aren’t honest, and some are downright deceptive.

“One guy I went out with, I found out was still married,” she says. “Then a friend of mine ran a background check on another guy I started dating and found out he had a felony charge. If something tips you o , listen to your gut feeling; it’s always right. Early last year, Nicki met a single dad who has full custody of his daughter who is the same age as one of her girls. The two started o as acquaintances, became friends and have now been dating for about eight months.

Her hard-won advice? “Don’t get too wrapped up in one person too soon and definitely take your time getting to know someone.”

“Dating, especially if you’re a mom, will have a tremendous impact on your kids,” says Sills. “You will need to make a judgment on how to shield your kids from that impact.”

Although some women with young kids just swear o dating until their children are older, say high school age, Sills says that’s not necessary. But you must consider how your social life will a ect them.

“Some people are less protective of their kids than others and will be dating right away, but you should shield the kids from your romantic and sexual life when dating just like you do when you’re married,” advises Sills. It can get tricky if a parent decides to live with someone—or even just have them “sleep over.”

“This is not putting the kids first,” says Sills. “Shielding them is harder on you but better on your kids.”

If you decide to engage in sexual activities with the person you’re dating, do so when someone else is watching the kids. Sneaking someone in and out or lying to your children complicates things and sets a poor example. And ask yourself: How serious do I want to be with someone who doesn’t care about how our situation a ects my kids?