ultimate fighting

Professional physical fi ghting is a powerful, studied discipline where the end goal is to become a better fi ghter. In real life, there’s also an art to evolving into an e ective “fi ghter.” Although confl ict is inevitable, arguments don’t have to brew into ugly storm clouds of confrontation. They can actually be genuine attempts at clarity and relationship growth.

Sheryle Lyman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, whose West Citrus Counseling practice is based in Homosassa, discusses rules of engagement for productive fighting.

Avoid absolute or ultimatum language.

According to Lyman, much to an arguer’s surprise, this creates the exact opposite of your desired outcome.

“Those little words ‘always’ and ‘never’ feed the urge to keep more arguments going, as in ‘you always blame me’ or ‘you never help,’” says Lyman.

Refraining from dramatic, exaggerated talk prevents overwhelming and wearing down the other party. After all, you want her or him to stick around and hear your needs. Instead, try emphasizing your desire for mutual cooperation and teamwork to lessen overall defensiveness.

Listen up.

In essence, tune in more, chatter less.

“We just don’t listen to each other anymore,” says Lyman. “Everyone is so anxious to make a cutting or witty comment that they are forming a response while their partner is talking rather than really listening to what is being said.”

To ensure you’ve heard the other person correctly, she recommends “reflective listening” or repeating back what has been shared.

“This assures the speaker is being heard and creates empathy in the listener,” says Lyman.

Time to talk.

At the height of boiled-over frustration, Lyman advises that arguers “walk away or call for a time-out.” Better yet, schedule an appointment to discuss concerns. Although this might seem like a blasé, buttoned-down reaction, it allows both sides to approach discussion in the proper mind frame for a positive outcome. Lyman notes an example of bad timing as trying to launch into concerns just as the other person is leaving.

It’s not about winning.

A true win emerges when everyone’s happy.

“Prioritizing the relationship comes from asking yourself, ‘How does pointing that out help the situation?’” says Lyman. This sober reminder can change your entire perspective on a disagreement.

Practice relaxing.

Before engaging in a stressful event, Lyman endorses relaxation response, an established form of meditation or “physiological quieting” to peacefully steer you throughout your day. This involves “visualization, mental focus, breath control and a passive disregard for everyday thoughts.”